"Do THIS For 9 Days To MANIFEST Your Dream Life In 2023" | Lewis Howes

Speaker 0:00 So our imagination, and Seneca said it best, we suffer twice, one in reality and one in imagination.

Lewis Howes 0:06 Mm.

Speaker 0:06 Right? We suffer twice. What you're now doing is you're creating a story of what's going to happen.

Lewis Howes 0:12 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 0:13 And that story-

Lewis Howes 0:14 You talked about the fear of fear, and how you had to learn to let go of your fear of fear. What does it actually mean, letting go of the fear of fear?

Speaker 0:23 Yeah. So I talk about how we fear the wrong things. Right?

Lewis Howes 0:27 What do we fear?

Speaker 0:28 So most of us are fearful of how our friends are reacting, what's happening on social media, and what's the random bit of news that we heard. None of it is fact-based. That's one of the biggest issues that we have.

Lewis Howes 0:39 It's worry-based.

Speaker 0:40 It's worry-based, and it's also imagination-based. So we become fiction writers.

Lewis Howes 0:44 [laughs]

Speaker 0:44 We've all watched too many movies. Now we start writing these beautiful movies in our head. Well, not beautiful. Scary movies in our head-

Lewis Howes 0:50 Yes

Speaker 0:50 ... of what may happen. So our imagination, and Seneca said it best, we suffer twice, one in reality and one in imagination.

Lewis Howes 0:58 Mm.

Speaker 0:58 Right? We suffer twice. And this is the biggest-

Lewis Howes 1:00 What actually happens to us-

Speaker 1:02 Totally

Lewis Howes 1:02 ... and then the story we continue to tell ourselves.

Speaker 1:04 Totally. Now, there's this incredible study in the book that I have to talk about.

Lewis Howes 1:06 Tell me.

Speaker 1:06 So they took monks, and they took non-monks, and they se-

Lewis Howes 1:10 They competed against each other [laughs]

Speaker 1:12 They competed against each other, literally. So they put this plate where you experience heat, and so what happens is the non-monks touch this plate. Now, this h- plate heats up gradually, softly.

Lewis Howes 1:24 Uh-huh.

Speaker 1:24 And then at one point it gets really hot for 10 seconds, and then it cools down. And so what happened is that when the non-monks touched it, the anxiety and pressure and stress in their brain just triggered straight away, even though it wasn't that hot.

Lewis Howes 1:35 It wasn't hot.

Speaker 1:36 It, it was heating-

Lewis Howes 1:37 Got it

Speaker 1:37 ... but it wasn't hot to do anything major to you. But the anxiety and stress in imagination or in anticipation went through the roof in the non-monks. Now, this is what's fascinating. When the monks touched it, they showed that it didn't feel anything as it rose, but as it got to its highest, they felt physical pain, but they showed no trigger of emotional pain, because they did not assign any emotional element to that pain. So my point with that is you can look at the news right now, and you can get scared straight away and get in complete freeze mode, feeling stuck, paralyzed, whatever it is. Because what you're now doing is you're creating a story of what's going to happen.

Lewis Howes 2:19 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:20 And that story-

Lewis Howes 2:21 And you can cause sickness in yourself-

Speaker 2:23 You can cause sickness inside yourself

Lewis Howes 2:23 ... just by the story, not actually-

Speaker 2:25 The reality

Lewis Howes 2:26 ... the, the, the effects of the disease hitting you or something happening physically to you.

Speaker 2:30 Totally. And that story, again, can be used positively. So your story may actually be true, but if it's gonna be true, now you can prepare.

Lewis Howes 2:39 Mm.

Speaker 2:40 And that shifts you away from being scared, because now you're preparing.

Lewis Howes 2:43 Yes.

Speaker 2:43 And so the real ans-

Lewis Howes 2:44 You can be confident because you prepared.

Speaker 2:46 Exactly. And so we should be shifting our fear energy into preparation energy, because what fear does is it keeps you locked there.

Lewis Howes 2:55 Mm.

Speaker 2:55 Right? We just feel stuck. I'll give you an example. Like, when you were preparing for big games when you used to play in the NFL-

Lewis Howes 3:00 Yes, yes

Speaker 3:00 ... right? And you're playing American football against some of the biggest athletes in the world, it's like you can either sit there and be scared that you're gonna play this game on the weekend-

Lewis Howes 3:09 Uh-huh

Speaker 3:09 ... or you can prepare.

Lewis Howes 3:10 Yeah.

Speaker 3:10 And your confidence is in the preparation. So when people go, "How do I feel confident right now?" Are you preparing?

Lewis Howes 3:15 Are you putting the reps?

Speaker 3:16 Are you putting the reps?

Lewis Howes 3:17 Yeah.

Speaker 3:17 Are you building your immunity?

Lewis Howes 3:18 Mm.

Speaker 3:19 Are you taking your vitamins? Are you-

Lewis Howes 3:20 Drinking lots of water

Speaker 3:21 ... are you drinking lots of water? Are you taking the steps that are needed to prepare for whatever's coming? You will feel more confident that way.

Lewis Howes 3:28 Yeah. So how do we learn to let go of the fear of fear, though? Like, how do we say, "Okay, we're only gonna allow it to hurt us when it actually hurts us and not the fear of it"? Is there a process? Is there just an awareness of this, that when you're in anxiety, worry, stress, fear, you, you just breathe and meditate then? What's the process of letting go of the fear of fear?

Speaker 3:48 Yeah, so meditation and mindfulness, powerful tools, but I'd say the process, and I, and I want it to be as tactical and strategic as we can.

Lewis Howes 3:54 Uh-huh.

Speaker 3:54 The thing is to get really close to that fear. So what we usually do-

Lewis Howes 3:59 Embrace it

Speaker 3:59 ... embrace it, get close to it, get intimate with it. We-

Lewis Howes 4:02 Become the bat.

Speaker 4:03 [laughs] We literally-

Lewis Howes 4:04 Sit in the bat cave

Speaker 4:05 ... literally, yeah.

Lewis Howes 4:06 And embrace the fear.

Speaker 4:07 Totally.

Lewis Howes 4:07 Yeah.

Speaker 4:07 We run away from fear. We like to run away and go, "Oh, it's not coming with me," and... Or what we do is we hear one thing, and we define the whole understanding of our fear based on that one thing.

Lewis Howes 4:18 Yes.

Speaker 4:18 So it's like some- And I'll give you a normal example in a normal life scenario.

Lewis Howes 4:21 Yes.

Speaker 4:22 Someone says to you in the office, "You know that, you know that they're gonna cut a few people."

Lewis Howes 4:26 Uh-huh.

Speaker 4:28 And you don't even check. You don't even know.

Lewis Howes 4:30 Is it real? Is it-

Speaker 4:30 And now you just made it real, and now you're running with it, and you're trying to run away from it. So you're trying to avoid conversations with your boss.

Lewis Howes 4:36 [laughs]

Speaker 4:36 You're trying to avoid any conflict. You're trying to... You know, you're just, you're just-

Lewis Howes 4:40 That's a great example

Speaker 4:41 ... you're just trying to avoid it. And so actually what you need to do is go, "Okay, let me actually discover that fear. Let me go intimate with that fear. Let me ask myself, where's that fear coming from? What am I really scared of? What am I really scared of? Am I really scared of losing my job? Am I scared of not having any money? What am I really scared of?" And when you get to the root, and I call it the why ladder in the book.

Lewis Howes 5:01 Mm-hmm, yeah.

Speaker 5:02 So it's asking yourself, "What am I scared of?" And then go, "Why am I scared of this? Why am I scared of this? Why am I scared of this?" And when you can't ask why any longer, you've got to the answer, and that's what you have to deal with. Most of us are not dealing with what we're actually scared of.

Lewis Howes 5:16 The root.

Speaker 5:16 So that's how you let go.

Lewis Howes 5:17 Yeah.

Speaker 5:18 You let go by keep asking yourself. So I'll give you an example of mine. Like, if, if I heard that, or if you hear that in your office, that people are getting l- cut, it's like you just get scared and panicked. But the question is, why am I scared of that? Am I scared of that because I haven't been working hard for six months?

Lewis Howes 5:31 Uh-huh.

Speaker 5:32 Am I scared of that because I've been skipping meetings? Am I scared of that because I know my boss will probably fire me first? Or am I scared because I've been performing really well, and I'm expecting a promotion?

Lewis Howes 5:42 Mm.

Speaker 5:42 Knowing which one it is, it sets you up to build the path forward.

Lewis Howes 5:46 Yeah.

Speaker 5:46 Not knowing that just puts you in this panic frenzy.

Lewis Howes 5:49 I think also, like, doing all the things you talked about, which is discovering within yourself, being aware of it, but then also just have the conversation.

Speaker 5:55 100%.

Lewis Howes 5:56 Like, front it with your manager or your boss and say, "Hey, listen, I heard some rumors that there might be some cuts, and I wanna let you know that I'm 100% committed to doing whatever it takes-

Speaker 6:04 Yes

Lewis Howes 6:04 ... to help this company grow."

Speaker 6:05 Yes, 100%.

Lewis Howes 6:06 "I believe, I believe in this mission more than anything. Here's what I've been doing the last three months, and here's what I wanna continue to do. Is there anything else I can do?"

Speaker 6:13 Totally. Like-

Lewis Howes 6:14 Like, show them to, like- Why you shouldn't get caught.

Speaker 6:17 Exactly, and that's... You know how to approach that discussion when you know which side you're on.

Lewis Howes 6:22 Yeah

Speaker 6:22 ... what your fear is.

Lewis Howes 6:23 I remember as a freshman playing football, I was playing Division II football in Minnesota, they usually red-shirt all the freshmen. And I went into this with a big ego thinking like, "I'm gonna start, or at least I wanna play," right? So I went into it with an ego in the first place. But I also... Which wasn't good, but I also went into it with some things that were good from this conversation. I told the coach straight up, like, "I know you don't play freshmen, but my intention is to play. What is it gonna take for me in order to get on the field?" You know, "Do I need to get here early? Do I need to stay late? Can I sit here in the office with you after the, uh, uh, before practice and go over game film?" Whatever it was, and he was... He told me, "Yeah, I need you to come in the office every single day and watch game film with me. I need to be with the receiver coach every single day beforehand and doing reps." And I just did it. And I eventually started to play my freshman year. I didn't start in the beginning, but I started to start at the end. And that, for me, was powerful. It's like I dressed it because I wanted to play, and I was afraid I wasn't gonna play at all-

Speaker 7:20 Mm

Lewis Howes 7:20 ... and just waste a year of practicing, like every other freshman would do there. That was my ego going-

Speaker 7:24 That's amazing

Lewis Howes 7:25 ... like, "I need to play." But I was also like, "I'll do whatever it takes, and I'll practice, and I'll confront it with conversation, and say, 'This is my intention. This is my vision, and I'm gonna do whatever it takes for you.'" And so I think that, that in the workplace-

Speaker 7:37 That's a perfect example

Lewis Howes 7:38 ... yeah, in a workplace, you've gotta be confronting it and be proactive in your confrontation.

Speaker 7:42 Correct, and that's a perfect example of getting close to fear rather than running away from it.

Lewis Howes 7:46 Exactly.

Speaker 7:46 Spot on, man.

Lewis Howes 7:47 For me, my whole mission in the last year and moving forward, the next projects I'm working on are all about belief in yourself. I believe self-doubt is the killer of dreams, and I believe that... And you have this amazing graph in here. It's about ego versus self-esteem. How do we build self-belief, self-esteem, self-confidence, while also not allowing our ego to be so big and think we can just do anything? How do we balance ego and self-confidence so they don't hurt each other?

Speaker 8:19 Yeah, absolutely. And, and what we experience most of the time is extremes.

Lewis Howes 8:24 Yeah.

Speaker 8:24 So the two extremes that most of us experience are either I have to think I'm the best-

Lewis Howes 8:29 Yes

Speaker 8:29 ... I'm the best in the world.

Lewis Howes 8:30 I can do anything.

Speaker 8:30 I can crush anyone.

Lewis Howes 8:31 [laughs]

Speaker 8:32 Like, I'm like gonna show everyone what I'm like. Or most of us experience the other extreme, which is I'm the worst.

Lewis Howes 8:39 Mm.

Speaker 8:39 I'm the stupidest. I'm the dumbest. I'm the most worthless. I'm the biggest loser. Notice how that's both ego.

Lewis Howes 8:47 Mm. Really?

Speaker 8:48 The eg- Yes.

Lewis Howes 8:49 Why is it negative ego?

Speaker 8:49 So the ego wants to be the best of the best, or the ego wants to be the worst of the worst. The ego won't accept being in the middle.

Lewis Howes 8:57 Really?

Speaker 8:57 The ego wants to feel the deepest sense of being the lowest.

Lewis Howes 9:01 [laughs]

Speaker 9:02 And that's why victim mentality-

Lewis Howes 9:04 Yes

Speaker 9:04 ... is actually a subsequence of ego.

Lewis Howes 9:06 Really?

Speaker 9:07 Yeah. That's how it's explained in the Bhagavad Gita because the point is that you can't deal with just being bad, you have to be the worst. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 9:13 The worst. My pain is the worst.

Speaker 9:14 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 9:14 I think, um, Jada talked about this-

Speaker 9:17 Yes

Lewis Howes 9:17 ... on your podcast where she was like, "You know, I had to tell people why my hurt was more painful than their hurt, and they can never understand how bad it was." Right?

Speaker 9:26 Exactly. Exactly. That's e-

Lewis Howes 9:28 That's ego as well

Speaker 9:28 ... yeah, that's ego as well. So you see these two sides of ego keeping us locked away. And so the only way to get with that, and the only way to balance it and bring it all into one, is genuine self-honesty. Honesty is the best place to be, and the best thing about honesty is I'm really good at this, I'm really average at that, and I'm really bad at that.

Lewis Howes 9:48 Mm.

Speaker 9:49 And the challenge we have with that is most of us have no idea. We just have zero self-awareness about what we are good at, what we are bad at, and what we're average at. So we think, "I'm pretty average at everything."

Lewis Howes 9:58 Right.

Speaker 9:58 "I'm pretty good at everything." And when I hear those answers, I'm like, simple things, just go and talk to people that know you.

Lewis Howes 10:04 Yeah, what am I great at?

Speaker 10:05 Ask them, "What's my superpower?"

Lewis Howes 10:06 Yeah.

Speaker 10:06 "What do I do differently? What do you think I do that is different-"

Lewis Howes 10:09 That no one else does. Yeah

Speaker 10:11 ... that no one else does? And guess what? I guarantee you if you ask a colleague, if you ask a friend, if you ask a family member, if you ask, uh, people from-

Lewis Howes 10:16 They'll say different things too. Yeah

Speaker 10:16 ... they'll say different things, but you get to learn about yourself. So real confidence comes from knowing your strengths and going all in on them.

Lewis Howes 10:25 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 10:25 Your confidence does not come from just standing up the right way or just saying the right stuff to yourself. Like-

Lewis Howes 10:31 Body language all day. Yeah

Speaker 10:32 ... yeah, that's, and that's important. I, I'm, I'm a big believer in all of that, but what I'm saying is that that doesn't build real confidence.

Lewis Howes 10:37 Yeah.

Speaker 10:37 Real confidence comes from thinking, "I'm really good at this. I know I can do this, and I love doing it." And it, and really this is the most important bit, confidence comes from serving other people.

Lewis Howes 10:47 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 10:47 When you see the impact you have on others, and this is the biggest issue, the reason why we have such low self-esteem today in the world is because people are not serving others, so they don't see the profound impact they have on others. When you put out a video or a podcast and people tag you on Instagram and they say, "Lewis, you stopped me from depression."

Lewis Howes 11:08 Yeah.

Speaker 11:08 "Or you helped me out of a divorce."

Lewis Howes 11:10 Yeah.

Speaker 11:10 Or people when they watch my content, they'll be like, "That stopped me from committing suicide," or whatever it's... When you see that, you get such a deep sense of self-worth that you matter. And guess what?

Lewis Howes 11:19 Mm.

Speaker 11:19 Everyone matters. Whether you matter to one people or one million people, everyone matters.

Lewis Howes 11:24 Yeah.

Speaker 11:24 But if you see your impact on someone's life, you will feel such a deep sense of self-worth.

Lewis Howes 11:29 Yeah.

Speaker 11:29 And so whether you're serving at a, uh, giving out free food, or whether you're serving at a local charity place, or whether you're serving through your work, serve, serve, serve. Because when you take that step, you, you get a boost of self-esteem.

Lewis Howes 11:43 But why do so many of us live in fear and desire mode as opposed to duty and love mode? Why, why is that? Like, why are we still focused on self as opposed to service?

Speaker 11:52 It's conditioned. It's conditioned, right? I've, I've said this before that we're wired for generosity, but we're educated for greed. I think I just said it to you-

Lewis Howes 12:00 Oh, so good. Yes

Speaker 12:00 ... two years ago when I was on the podcast. And it's like, and, and when I said that in a statement-

Lewis Howes 12:03 That's so good

Speaker 12:04 ... it was, it... Yeah, and, and it's so true. We're wired for generosity-

Lewis Howes 12:06 Oh my gosh

Speaker 12:06 ... but we're educated for greed. Because what happens is when we're kids, you'll see kids share.

Lewis Howes 12:12 You wanna share.

Speaker 12:13 God, they're wired.

Lewis Howes 12:14 You want to give.

Speaker 12:14 They wanna share. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 12:15 Here's part of my candy bar, whatever, right?

Speaker 12:16 Totally.

Lewis Howes 12:16 Yeah.

Speaker 12:17 Yeah. And then as we get older, we're told- That there's less, and this is what the key is. As we get older, we're told there are finite numbers of how many kids get made onto the basketball or baseball team.

Lewis Howes 12:28 Yes.

Speaker 12:29 We're told there's a finite-

Lewis Howes 12:30 I remember

Speaker 12:30 ... number of college spaces. We're told there's a finite number of how many tickets there are. We're told there's a finite number of people that are successful. Guess what? In the theater of happiness, there are infinite and unlimited seats, and there is a seat-

Lewis Howes 12:45 [laughs]

Speaker 12:45 ... with your name on it.

Lewis Howes 12:46 That's so good.

Speaker 12:47 There is a seat with your name on it in the theater of dreams-

Lewis Howes 12:50 Wow

Speaker 12:50 ... in the theater of happiness. But you think that because you think that there are only 100 people allowed in, that if someone else makes it before you, that you don't get in. And guess what? Is there a cap on how many billionaires there are in the world?

Lewis Howes 13:00 No.

Speaker 13:01 No. Is there a cap on how many millionaires there are in the world?

Lewis Howes 13:03 No.

Speaker 13:03 No. Is there a cap on how many happy people there are in the world?

Lewis Howes 13:06 No.

Speaker 13:06 No. And that's why I really am encouraging Forbes... I want Forbes, forget printing a rich list-

Lewis Howes 13:10 Happiness list. Wow

Speaker 13:10 ... print a happy list. Print a service list.

Lewis Howes 13:12 Wow.

Speaker 13:12 Print a list of who is serving.

Lewis Howes 13:13 We should do that. We should do that.

Speaker 13:14 Who is serving the most in the world?

Lewis Howes 13:16 Wow.

Speaker 13:17 Right?

Lewis Howes 13:17 That'll be, that'll be competition based. [laughs]

Speaker 13:19 Yeah, yeah, sure.

Lewis Howes 13:20 I gave more than you gave. [laughs]

Speaker 13:21 Yeah, and that's why it should be service based on time, energy, and money.

Lewis Howes 13:24 All right.

Speaker 13:24 Because we should start showing how much time people give-

Lewis Howes 13:27 Mm

Speaker 13:27 ... how much energy people give.

Lewis Howes 13:29 Mm.

Speaker 13:29 Mother Teresa, I don't think she gave any money to her charities.

Lewis Howes 13:32 Right.

Speaker 13:32 But she gave a lot of time and energy.

Lewis Howes 13:34 Yeah.

Speaker 13:34 You know, you look at all the people who made a change in the world, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, like, they may not have given a lot of money to stuff.

Lewis Howes 13:40 Yeah.

Speaker 13:40 They gave time and energy.

Lewis Howes 13:41 You don't have to give resources, but your resourcefulness, your love, your time-

Speaker 13:45 Love that

Lewis Howes 13:45 ... your focus, your attention, your compassion.

Speaker 13:48 Love that.

Lewis Howes 13:49 Uh, you know-

Speaker 13:49 Yeah

Lewis Howes 13:49 ... resourcefulness of the, of the heart, not of the wallet, I think is key.

Speaker 13:53 Love that.

Lewis Howes 13:54 And you don't need to have a lot of money to make a big impact.

Speaker 13:56 You don't.

Lewis Howes 13:57 Yeah.

Speaker 13:57 There's... and, and this is the training. See, we've been educated for greed because we've been told everything's limited. There's a limited number of this, limited number of this, number... And every time you play in numbers, and I think it was Bob Marley who said it, but every time you play in numbers, you'll always be dissatisfied.

Lewis Howes 14:10 Ah.

Speaker 14:10 Because guess what?

Lewis Howes 14:11 Someone's gonna always have more.

Speaker 14:12 Someone's always gonna have more. I was speaking to a friend recently, and, and it's, and, and this friend was telling me that he, uh, you know, bought a home which is very expensive.

Lewis Howes 14:22 Yes.

Speaker 14:23 Uh, very, very expensive, and he went to a party at someone else's house, and he told me that when he was getting a tour of this party, he found out that this person had a painting on his wall which cost the amount his house cost.

Lewis Howes 14:34 Shut up. [laughs]

Speaker 14:35 And so he was joking-

Lewis Howes 14:36 Wow

Speaker 14:36 ... when he was like, "That, that guy's painting-"

Lewis Howes 14:38 Painting in the house

Speaker 14:39 ... he's, he's got my house on his wall."

Lewis Howes 14:41 Wow. [laughs]

Speaker 14:42 And, and that just puts things into perspective, and you think about that, like... And then you look at someone like Jeff Bezos, and you think, oh well, he's the richest man in the world, but does he have the most fame? No, he doesn't.

Lewis Howes 14:51 No.

Speaker 14:51 Does he have the most beauty? Uh, subjective deci- decision.

Lewis Howes 14:55 Right.

Speaker 14:55 Does he have the most strength or power? Maybe not.

Lewis Howes 14:59 Mm.

Speaker 14:59 And so no one has the most of everything, so when you measure yourself by numbers, you'll always be second, third, fourth, fifth in something.

Lewis Howes 15:07 And I think by measuring yourself by needing to have the most of anything is probably a recipe for unhappiness.

Speaker 15:15 100%.

Lewis Howes 15:16 Of like, well, okay, I'm not gonna have the most of anything, but I'm gonna have the most money. You're still gonna be unhappy.

Speaker 15:20 Totally.

Lewis Howes 15:21 Even if you have the most of something, doesn't mean you're gonna be happy.

Speaker 15:23 Totally. I think it was Albert Einstein who said it best that, "Not everything that can be counted counts-

Lewis Howes 15:31 Mm. Mm

Speaker 15:32 ... and not everything that counts can be counted."

Lewis Howes 15:34 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 15:35 And, and I love that because it removes this belief that things are finite and limited-

Lewis Howes 15:40 Yes

Speaker 15:40 ... and they're not. If you wanna be happy and successful, if, no matter that there are 700,000 podcasts, if that is your dharma, if that's your calling, if that's your purpose, like, you can do that. There's, there's no cap on, on how many successful soccer players that can exist at the same time.

Lewis Howes 15:58 Right. Or how many books are out in the world.

Speaker 16:00 There's no cap. There's no one stopping you, and that's the mindset that we're educated.

Lewis Howes 16:04 So can you share what that means to hear in between the lines through prayer, meditation, mindfulness, and kind of what this all means? How can we understand this? There's a lot of noise about it, but what does it really mean?

Speaker 16:16 Yeah. Beautiful. First of all, I'm glad to be back, man. The School of Greatness is-

Lewis Howes 16:19 Excited, man

Speaker 16:20 ... a special place, and the fact that this i- So everyone who's listening or watching, this is how you test whether your friend really knows you. Lewis just told my life story [laughs] in 30 seconds.

Lewis Howes 16:29 [laughs] 30 seconds.

Speaker 16:30 Which means that we're real friends. Uh, Lewis was able to summarize everything that I've been through-

Lewis Howes 16:34 Yes

Speaker 16:34 ... in the last 10 years in, in, uh, 30 seconds, so I appreciate you, man.

Lewis Howes 16:38 Of course, man.

Speaker 16:38 And I'm really happy to be back. And yeah, I think, yeah, let's talk about the term, and let's talk about that specific answer. So when I hear the word mindfulness, to me, what it really means is intentionality.

Lewis Howes 16:52 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 16:53 What I mean by that is, are you crafting, designing, and intentionally creating your life, or are you just coasting in the passenger seat of your life, which is just dragging you and driving you wherever it's taking you? And so it's the difference between being the driver or being in the passenger seat.

Lewis Howes 17:14 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 17:15 And so to me, living intentionally is what allows you to live a life of by design. And so I'll give you an example of what mindfulness can look like. There's something in the book that I talk about called the three S's, which are sights, scents, and sounds. Now, if you think about that, we're exposed to sights, scents, and sounds every single day.

Lewis Howes 17:37 Yeah.

Speaker 17:37 Every single day. But how many of us have crafted those to be sights, scents, and sounds that we want in our life? So this is what I realized. When we were monks, one of the most important things was, what was the first thing you saw, the sight, when you woke up?

Lewis Howes 17:52 And right now, most people are probably seeing their screen.

Speaker 17:55 Yeah. I think 80% of people look at their screens first thing in the morning and the last thing at the night.

Lewis Howes 17:59 Mm.

Speaker 17:59 So you're seeing your screen first thing in the morning, but what are you really seeing? You're seeing everyone else's priorities. You're seeing everyone else's issues and challenges. You're seeing everyone else's messages to you, which means you're already starting your day off reactively. But what if you started your morning looking at a painting that inspired you?

Lewis Howes 18:16 Mm.

Speaker 18:17 Or a picture of a loved one that brought joy in your heart, or your favorite quote by Lewis or by anyone else-

Lewis Howes 18:22 Right

Speaker 18:23 ... that when you read that in the morning, you were like, "Oh, yeah, I feel in charge today to-

Lewis Howes 18:26 Mm

Speaker 18:26 ... to make a difference in the world." So imagine the first thing you saw in the morning was something inspiring. How much would your day change? That's mindfulness.

Lewis Howes 18:33 Mm.

Speaker 18:34 Mindfulness is being intentional and mindful- About what you are exposing yourself to. Let's talk about sounds next. So sounds was something that I started to study actually much later from a modern life perspective. But when we were monks, we would wake up to birds, we would wake up to water, we'd wake up to gongs or cymbals-

Lewis Howes 18:54 Chants or, yeah

Speaker 18:55 ... that, chants, exactly, which are all beautiful sounds. Now, the crazy thing is all of us wake up to something called an alarm. Now, I don't-

Lewis Howes 19:03 Ah, ah, ah, right, that's like-

Speaker 19:05 [laughs] Literally, I don't know why anyone would want to wake up-

Lewis Howes 19:07 Alarms

Speaker 19:08 ... to an alarm. Why would you want to wake up alarmed? It means now your system is alarming. Like, why would you want to do that? Why would you wanna wake up in shock, in a state of, like, a jolt? I don't think that's a positive way to wake up.

Lewis Howes 19:22 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 19:22 So changing the sound that you wake up to. Now, I'm not saying that everyone can wake up to nature sounds. Maybe you're one of those people who would just hit the snooze button again. But what if you woke up to a sound or a song-

Lewis Howes 19:32 Hmm

Speaker 19:32 ... that brought you joy? Now, when I lived in New York for two years between 2016 and 2018, I started to feel quite exhausted by the end of the day, and I was really looking into, like, why is it that I feel tired? And I started to realize, I came across this term called cognitive load, and what it means is that a lot of the sounds that you hear in New York City are sounds that are insignificant for your mind to process. Drilling, construction work, taxis honking, driving, cars screeching, scratch, all of-

Lewis Howes 20:04 People yelling at each other in the streets

Speaker 20:05 ... people yelling at each other on the streets. Like, all of that sound is called cognitive load, where your brain is now trying to make sense of meaningless sound.

Lewis Howes 20:13 Or it's also just, like, should I be afraid? This is a loud sound. Is my brain going to fight or flight, like I need to protect myself?

Speaker 20:20 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 20:20 So you're always being alarmed.

Speaker 20:21 Yeah, exactly, and you hear sirens.

Lewis Howes 20:23 [upbeat music] I'm gonna say something a little bit controversial. Show me your morning routine, and I'll show you your future. That's right. I believe the way you start your day has a direct impact on the success of your business, your finances, your relationships, and of course, your wellness and mental health. So today, I'm inviting you to join me in my latest upcoming free webinar, The Five Secrets to the Ultimate Morning Routine. If you wanna stop getting tripped up with procrastination, holding onto old fears and self-doubt, and start multiplying your income and impact, then this one is for you. It is possible to break out of the routines that aren't serving you, and live more peaceful and purposeful days in the future. But first, you need to commit to taking action and showing up to the webinar. So join me. Join Team Greatness and our amazing community, and click the link to sign up right now.

Speaker 21:15 [upbeat music]

Speaker 21:19 Now, when you hear sirens, sirens have an emotional trigger, and they have an emotional response to them. So think about your day. Think about when you come home from work, well, now you're working from home.

Lewis Howes 21:30 Right. [laughs]

Speaker 21:31 What sound do you wanna hear when you're working?

Lewis Howes 21:32 Hmm.

Speaker 21:33 What sound do you wanna hear at the end of the day? When you sound design your life, that's called mindfulness.

Lewis Howes 21:38 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 21:39 That's being intentional.

Lewis Howes 21:40 Yes.

Speaker 21:40 And then finally, scent. Uh, scent is such a powerful sense that we're not even aware. How many of you, when you smell your favorite food, can't already wait to eat it?

Lewis Howes 21:51 Mm.

Speaker 21:51 Like, you can almost taste it even-

Lewis Howes 21:52 Salivating, you're like, ah

Speaker 21:52 ... yeah, you're salivi- you can taste it already without, just through scent. Why is it that every time you walk into-

Lewis Howes 21:57 Mm, pizza. Mm.

Speaker 21:58 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 21:58 [laughs]

Speaker 22:00 Th- my, yeah, my favorite, yeah, I think pizza has one of the best scents.

Lewis Howes 22:03 Well, your, your wife Roddy's got some amazing food.

Speaker 22:05 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 22:05 That was amazing scent. When I walked in the kitchen last week, I was like, "Mm, smells amazing."

Speaker 22:09 That was for you.

Lewis Howes 22:10 I need food. I was, oh, unbelievable.

Speaker 22:10 That was special. That's for you. That's for you. That was a good meal.

Lewis Howes 22:13 So good.

Speaker 22:13 That was a really good meal. Uh, she really appreciated that you love to eat, too.

Lewis Howes 22:17 [laughs]

Speaker 22:17 Like, she was happy. Her, her heart was full.

Lewis Howes 22:19 Exactly.

Speaker 22:20 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 22:20 Bring a former jock into your house, and you'll-

Speaker 22:22 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 22:22 ... you'll clear all the food out.

Speaker 22:23 Yeah, she's like, "I've, I've never seen someone eat that much." [laughs]

Lewis Howes 22:26 [laughs]

Speaker 22:26 And I was like, you know, just like, big American dude. I was like-

Lewis Howes 22:29 Yeah, yeah

Speaker 22:29 ... this is like, you know, he can eat. And so, no, it was great. She was so happy that-

Lewis Howes 22:33 Yeah

Speaker 22:33 ... you appreciated it so much.

Lewis Howes 22:34 For sure.

Speaker 22:35 She, she really appreciated that. But scent-

Lewis Howes 22:36 But the scent is important in your life

Speaker 22:37 ... now, when, when you walk into a massage spa, it's the scent, the eucalyptus, the lavender, the sandalwood-

Lewis Howes 22:45 Mm.

Speaker 22:45 It cal-

Lewis Howes 22:45 Puts you in a peaceful state

Speaker 22:47 ... dude, scent puts you in zen without trying. And so mindfulness is intentionally creating a life that makes you feel what you want to feel, without having to just create the feeling from inside. You may say, "Jay, you know, I really struggle trying to be positive. I struggle trying to deal with anxiety. I struggle trying to be focused." Your sights, scents, and sounds can help you do that.

Lewis Howes 23:11 Yeah.

Speaker 23:11 And you start creating an environment where you naturally feel that. Like, today, when I walked into your studio, I saw your books, I saw all these motivational quotes.

Lewis Howes 23:20 Uh-huh.

Speaker 23:20 I saw a boxing glove, and it's like all of a sudden, you're like, "Oh, I'm in a uplifting environment."

Lewis Howes 23:25 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 23:25 Right? So you already get triggered.

Lewis Howes 23:27 Exactly.

Speaker 23:28 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 23:28 Yeah, I think, uh, a friend of mine mentioned one time on the podcast, Chris Lee said you wanna create an, an environment like a rainforest-

Speaker 23:35 Mm

Lewis Howes 23:35 ... where things can thrive and grow-

Speaker 23:37 Mm

Lewis Howes 23:37 ... as opposed to having an environment like a desert, where things go to die.

Speaker 23:40 That's beautiful.

Lewis Howes 23:41 And if you have sights, scents, and sounds that are like a desert for your life or your heart, then it's gonna be hard to grow those things from your heart, but if you create an environment of a rainforest where things can grow, water, nature, you know, cool air, things like that, then you can really start to cultivate that growth.

Speaker 24:00 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 24:00 You mentioned about creating and designing your life. How much of the world do you think we receive by being here, and how much of the world do we create ourselves?

Speaker 24:11 Yeah, that's a beautiful question. It's, it's a complete dynamic dance between what the Vedic tradition would call fate and free will. So fate is what is already created for you, and a good example would be the place you were born.

Lewis Howes 24:28 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 24:29 Uh, the type of family you grew up in, the socioeconomic background you had. It was already there when you walked into the world. But within that, you had choices where your free will came about.

Lewis Howes 24:40 Mm.

Speaker 24:41 You had the choice to either do what everyone in your neighborhood did, or to do something different You had the choice to have a relationship with a particular person or not. So what happens is that we're constantly creating new spaces from which we have another choice.

Lewis Howes 24:57 Right.

Speaker 24:58 And so you kind of see it as this dynamic dance between, okay, now I'm in this situation, and now what is my choice in this situation? So I would say, I wouldn't, I'm not saying it's equal, I'm saying it's a dynamic balance and a switching process-

Lewis Howes 25:12 Yeah

Speaker 25:12 ... where you're constantly creating a new level, and then now in that level you have a next choice.

Lewis Howes 25:17 Mm-hmm. 'Cause we w- we didn't have the choice to be created here. We didn't, we were here, and that wasn't our choice. Now, everything after that is our choice, right?

Speaker 25:26 Yeah. And there are some, there obviously there are some traditions, and I'm a, I'm a big diver into, like, reincarnation and past lives. So according to the beliefs of reincarnation and past lives, you have at some point made a choice-

Lewis Howes 25:37 Mm-hmm

Speaker 25:37 ... to be here. But taking it more simplistically, the truth is that when you're brought into a situation, it's... uh, the best analogy that I've heard, and, and it's been told for years, is of a father is an alcoholic. One of the sons that he has decides to become an alcoholic, because his father's an alcoholic.

Lewis Howes 25:55 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 25:56 The other son decides to never drink alcohol, because his father's an alcoholic.

Lewis Howes 26:00 Right. Right.

Speaker 26:00 So they were exposed to the same situation and same scenario.

Lewis Howes 26:03 Same environment.

Speaker 26:04 Same environment, but they both made different choices based on their experience, and that's the choice element. That's the element that we should be trying to empower in our lives. Because we can constantly say, "I'm limited by my environment," or, "I've been restricted by my environment." And hey, it's true. There are so many of us that have been limited and restricted. But by now you repeating that, you are gonna repeat that restriction in your life.

Lewis Howes 26:30 How much of a positive environment supports us in our growth or holds us back? There are some people who have the perfect family situation, resources, beautiful backyards and nature, who are lazy. [laughs] And there are others who have, you know, divorced parents, abusive parents, uh, abusive friends, an environment of a desert-

Speaker 26:56 Yeah

Lewis Howes 26:56 ... and they figure out a way to thrive.

Speaker 26:58 Totally.

Lewis Howes 26:58 How much importance does our environment play in our overall success?

Speaker 27:03 If you look at the examples that you just shared, and you really analyze life, you'd see very little, because you see people craft their own life. So a, a good example for me is that when I came back from living in the ashram, and there were other people who may have been monks who'd also left the path, and I came back to a not financially successful or supportive family. So my family doesn't have abundant wealth, and couldn't necessarily have taken care of me or paid for me forever.

Lewis Howes 27:33 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 27:33 And I had to figure out my own life. And that to me was a great sense of impetus and incentive to go and figure it out, and learn new skills, and network, and meet people. And I saw other friends whose parents had, like, a property portfolio with, like, 10 properties ready to hand them over. They had a BMW the second-

Lewis Howes 27:51 Right

Speaker 27:51 ... that they came out, whatever, you know, from their own life.

Lewis Howes 27:54 Yeah.

Speaker 27:54 Or I ha- even have friends that had all of that, and didn't become monks, and didn't even find careers. So I've also got friends that I went to school with that today don't even have careers, even though their parents were really well-established.

Lewis Howes 28:06 Right.

Speaker 28:06 Which has, all of these examples have continued me to believe that we truly have influence in our, more than our environment. Our environment affects us for sure. It plants seeds and weeds into our life, but there is still a choice. And, and I think even if you feel there isn't a choice, simply by accepting that there is, it means you have a chance to get out of there.

Lewis Howes 28:30 Right.

Speaker 28:30 And I think that's what-

Lewis Howes 28:31 'Cause if you don't accept that there is, then you're just gonna stay stuck.

Speaker 28:33 Correct. Like, there've been so many times in my life, and, and there's a beautiful, uh, quote from Edison. I don't think I said this last time, but if I did, it's, it's worth repeating. He said that, "When you believe you've exhausted all options, remember this: You haven't."

Lewis Howes 28:48 Mm.

Speaker 28:48 And the reason why I love that is your mind continuously feels stuck when it's tried the obvious, and that's why a lot of creativity and focus studies say that the first 10 ideas that come to your mind are never the most interesting. It's when you get into the 11th idea that you start breaking the pattern.

Lewis Howes 29:04 Mm.

Speaker 29:05 And so if someone asked you, "Oh, what's your best business idea?" Your first 10 ideas are probably not that innovative. And so the mind constantly gets stuck on that train.

Lewis Howes 29:13 Mm.

Speaker 29:13 And you've got to keep reminding yourself that there is another door. There could be another pathway. I was thinking about a piece of advice that, so one of my closest spiritual mentors, who is in London, I knew him since I was probably, like, 12, and properly since I was 18. He passed away this year from stage four brain cancer.

Lewis Howes 29:30 Mm.

Speaker 29:31 And he'd had brain cancer for about, I think, like, three, three-

Lewis Howes 29:34 Yeah

Speaker 29:34 ... four years now, and so I hadn't really had a real interaction with him for the past few years, because every time I saw him, he wasn't fully functioning in his short-term memory. His long-term memory was there, but his short-term memory wasn't. And I remember speaking to him probably about seven, eight years ago, and asking him the question. I said to him, "You know, I've got so many ideas. There's so many things I could do. Where do I start?" And, and he said this beautiful thing to me. He said, "You know what? Your role should be to open up every door possible." And he said, "Let the world close the doors you're not meant to walk through."

Lewis Howes 30:07 Ooh.

Speaker 30:08 "And walk through the ones that remain open."

Lewis Howes 30:10 Ooh.

Speaker 30:11 And what I realized is most of us are just not opening up enough doors, 'cause we think we only have the option of two doors. We look at life as binary. Zero and one, zero and one, right?

Lewis Howes 30:19 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 30:19 It's just-

Lewis Howes 30:20 This or that, yeah

Speaker 30:20 ... A or B, this or that. And I mean, I, I think you'd say this, too, about you and every guest you ever had on, I don't think life is ever this or that.

Lewis Howes 30:28 Yeah.

Speaker 30:28 It's like this, that, and that, and maybe that and that.

Lewis Howes 30:31 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 30:31 And there's always a gap.

Lewis Howes 30:32 Of course. The challenge that people have i- that I've sensed a lot is the fear of criticism when you go after something that you weren't supposed to do.

Speaker 30:41 Mm.

Lewis Howes 30:42 Or that people don't think you're supposed to do. Why do so many people fear criticism from peers, family, friends, the media? Why is that such a big fear, and how do we overcome- ... criticism from others?

Speaker 30:56 Psychologically, we feel a sense of safety and security when we think people agree with us, right? That, that is just psychologically true that I- we would rather avoid conflict and sit in a space where we agree, and therefore we have something called confirmation bias-

Lewis Howes 31:15 Mm. Mm-hmm

Speaker 31:15 ... and the echo chamber, where we keep surrounding ourselves with thoughts and ideas that are similar and reaffirm our beliefs. Now, I think that you can have that, and at the same time entertain ideas that you're not sure about yet. And so one of my favorite examples was MIT did this study where they asked people which person was more creative and innovative, and they showed two charts. One chart was employee A, and the other chart was employee B. The chart for employee A, all of the people they knew, knew each other and knew them back.

Lewis Howes 31:48 Mm.

Speaker 31:48 So it was almost like a closed loop. And employee B, they knew lots of people who didn't know each other, and they found that people who have more people in their network who don't know each other are more likely to be creative and productive.

Lewis Howes 32:02 Really? Why is that?

Speaker 32:03 Yeah. Because they expose you to opposing ideas, and they may counteract how you think.

Lewis Howes 32:09 Mm.

Speaker 32:09 So one of my favorite examples of this is a conversation between, uh, Mark Zuckerberg and one of his mentors. So Mark Zuckerberg told this story at the Facebook headquarters a few years back. I wasn't there. I've seen it on video, and I'm sure it's available, and he talks about how when he was struggling with the direction of Facebook in 2009, he approached his mentor, and his mentor happened to be Steve Jobs.

Lewis Howes 32:34 Wow.

Speaker 32:34 Pretty cool.

Lewis Howes 32:35 Wow.

Speaker 32:35 Pretty cool. I wish-

Lewis Howes 32:36 That's really cool.

Speaker 32:36 Yeah, it's so cool, man. And so anyway, so Mark Zuckerberg goes to Steve Jobs, and he says, "I'm struggling with the direction of Facebook." Remember, at that time Facebook was five years old.

Lewis Howes 32:44 There was no fan pages, I don't think.

Speaker 32:46 I don't, I don't think it was... There was no creators. There was... I don't think there were fan pages. It was very much used by university students-

Lewis Howes 32:52 Still

Speaker 32:52 ... at that stage.

Lewis Howes 32:53 Yeah.

Speaker 32:53 Like, I think it was mainly, like, Ivy Leagues and-

Lewis Howes 32:56 College kids still, yeah

Speaker 32:56 ... college kids, and I don't even think it was international in a massive way. Very early days, and now we can't even think of that. But 2009, I mean, you know, you just about had the iPhone and just about had Instagram-

Lewis Howes 33:08 It's crazy, man

Speaker 33:08 ... and YouTube. So he went up to Steve Jobs, and he said, you know, "I'm struggling with the direction of Facebook. What do I do?" Now, Steve Jobs at that time obviously was already the founder of one of the biggest brands on the planet-

Lewis Howes 33:21 Mm

Speaker 33:21 ... and obviously the brand still is. He had access to investors. He had access to business coaches. I'm sure he had access to life coaches. He had access to-

Lewis Howes 33:30 Health experts and everything

Speaker 33:30 ... health experts. He had access to anything. Like, I don't think there was anyone-

Lewis Howes 33:33 Scientists, whatever

Speaker 33:33 ... scientists, PhDs. I don't think there's anyone in the world who Steve Jobs couldn't have called up at the time. And Steve Jobs said something amazing. He said, "You know what, Mark? I think you should go and live in an ashram in India."

Lewis Howes 33:46 He did not.

Speaker 33:47 He did.

Lewis Howes 33:47 No way. [laughs]

Speaker 33:48 It's a true story. He goes, "And when you go to live in the ashram in India, that's where, if you spend some time there, that's where you'll find your answer."

Lewis Howes 33:55 Shut up.

Speaker 33:55 And Mark did it.

Lewis Howes 33:56 No way.

Speaker 33:56 Mark went to the ashram. This a true story.

Lewis Howes 33:58 For how long?

Speaker 33:59 I, I believe he was there for... I beli- I've seen two online. I've seen two versions of the-

Lewis Howes 34:03 Mm

Speaker 34:03 ... exact time he was there. I've seen some people said it's a, it was a couple of days or a week, or some people said it's a month. So I think it's, it's hazy how much time he actually spent there. But, but he went, and he says that based on that experience, that's where he found the direction of Facebook, to be connecting people. Now, the reason why I love that story is because it's the unobvious alternative random connection.

Lewis Howes 34:26 Mm.

Speaker 34:26 And when Harvard did a study of 3,000 executives, they looked at and asked them, "What's the number one skill for being a good leader?" And a lot of people would say communication. A lot of people would say humility-

Lewis Howes 34:38 Vision. Yeah, yeah, yeah

Speaker 34:39 ... vision, strategy, humility, and the number one answer that they got from 3,000 executives was the one word, which is called associating, and what that means is the ability to spot patterns where everyone else doesn't see them.

Lewis Howes 34:54 Mm.

Speaker 34:54 And that's the connect, that real leaders can spot patterns and connections in anomalies. So most people would be like, "What has an ashram got to do with a tech platform?"

Lewis Howes 35:04 Right.

Speaker 35:04 But that is where you expand your mind to find answers that you never expected.

Lewis Howes 35:10 How important is creating alone time, um, with noises, people, busy work, to allow your mind to expand?

Speaker 35:20 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 35:21 Is that the only time, in that silence, I think you mentioned it-

Speaker 35:24 Mm

Lewis Howes 35:24 ... silence to hear in between the lines.

Speaker 35:26 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 35:27 Is that where we start to hear what we're supposed to be creating, where we're supposed to be heading, our mission?

Speaker 35:32 That's... Yeah, I'm really glad you brought that back. I wanted to get back to that. So when we talk about... There's, there's a beautiful statement by David Lynch, who's movie producer and g- a deep meditator, and he says that, "Prayer is how you talk to God, and meditation is how God talks to you."

Lewis Howes 35:50 Ooh.

Speaker 35:51 And whether you believe in God or the universe or spirit or divine, whatever it means, the point is that there is a dialogue and a conversation.

Lewis Howes 35:58 So prayer is like you're speaking.

Speaker 35:59 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 35:59 You're saying, "Here's what I want."

Speaker 36:00 "Here's how I feel."

Lewis Howes 36:01 "Help me" or-

Speaker 36:02 "Help me," yeah

Lewis Howes 36:02 ... and meditation is more receiving.

Speaker 36:04 Receiving, yeah. And so I, I love that statement because I think it makes it very clear that we have to have a dialogue with the universe. We have to have a dialogue with people in our lives. We have to have a dialogue, and there's both h- giving and receiving. So when I talk about hearing in between the lines, the best example I can give you, Lewis, is let's take a look at you and your relationship, and mine and my wife's relationship. One of us is always traveling.

Lewis Howes 36:30 Yeah.

Speaker 36:30 So you travel. Your partner travels. I travel. My wife travels. Sometimes we're missing each other. Imagine you've got really busy and hectic. Do you think, and anyone listening or watching, you can ask the same question. If you were really busy and hectic and stressed out, do you think your partner feels comfortable to tell you how they feel and get your attention?

Lewis Howes 36:52 Uh, if, if I'm busy, stressed out-

Speaker 36:55 Yeah

Lewis Howes 36:55 ... overwhelmed-

Speaker 36:55 Yeah

Lewis Howes 36:55 ... would my partner tell me how I feel about themselves or about-

Speaker 36:58 Yeah, do you think they would feel confident to be like, "Lewis, I need to tell you something really important"?

Lewis Howes 37:02 Mm. Um, I don't think they would.

Speaker 37:04 They wouldn't.

Lewis Howes 37:05 Yeah.

Speaker 37:05 They really wouldn't because-

Lewis Howes 37:06 They don't wanna stress you out more

Speaker 37:07 ... they don't wanna stress you out more.

Lewis Howes 37:08 You're not present, all these things.

Speaker 37:09 Exactly, so exactly that. And so what happens is when you're still, your mind and body actually get to speak to you and give you signals of how they feel.

Lewis Howes 37:20 Mm.

Speaker 37:20 And so when you're still, that's when you notice that ache in your foot that you haven't noticed for a month. Sometimes when you slow down, that's when you get sick because your body wasn't allowing itself to be sick because you were pushing it to get through stuff.

Lewis Howes 37:32 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 37:32 And so just like your partners can't communicate with you until you slow down, your body and mind can't communicate with you until you're still.

Lewis Howes 37:40 Mm.

Speaker 37:40 And so there's a beautiful Buddhist teaching that says, "What movement does for the body, stillness does for the mind."

Lewis Howes 37:47 [laughs]

Speaker 37:48 And so when we find that space, stillness, and solitude, you really are able to hear your deepest desires-

Lewis Howes 37:57 Mm

Speaker 37:57 ... and challenges, your physical pains and, and areas of growth. It's one of the reasons why when people meditate, they feel sleepy afterwards and they think they're doing it wrong, but actually they're doing it right. Meditation just told you you needed more sleep.

Lewis Howes 38:11 You needed to rest.

Speaker 38:12 Yeah. Meditation was just a signal. So sometimes when I meditate with people that I'm coaching-

Lewis Howes 38:16 They like pass out [laughs]

Speaker 38:17 ... [laughs] yeah, some of them, some of them will be like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm, I'm so sorry, Jay. I'm, I'm just feeling so tired." And I'm like, "No."

Lewis Howes 38:22 No, then sleep. Then rest.

Speaker 38:23 That's, yeah.

Lewis Howes 38:23 Yeah.

Speaker 38:24 That's what your body's telling you because you finally listened. And some people are like, "Oh, Jay, I feel so energized." And I'm like, "Yeah, because you allowed yourself to be in line with your body, and now your body's saying that you feel energized."

Lewis Howes 38:34 Yeah.

Speaker 38:34 "And that's great. You've got the energy. Go work out. Go build something." So-

Lewis Howes 38:38 Or you've cleared out those negative thoughts, or you've let go of those distractions-

Speaker 38:42 Whatever it is

Lewis Howes 38:42 ... or that resentment, and so you're not feeling this weight, so you feel lighter.

Speaker 38:45 Correct. And so that stillness and silence is one of my favorite ways for you to actually build that relationship with hearing your inner voice.

Lewis Howes 38:55 Is there too much silence? Like if you say, okay, five hours a day, it's ... Is there a tipping point when you're like, okay. I think you do two hours every morning, but a lot of people say, "Well, I've only got 20 minutes maybe."

Speaker 39:06 Yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 39:07 Is, is five hours too much? Is an hour ... You know, what is the maximum or minimum-

Speaker 39:13 Yeah

Lewis Howes 39:13 ... or sweet spot you think for people to be silent every day-

Speaker 39:15 Yeah

Lewis Howes 39:15 ... to live a great life?

Speaker 39:17 I think, I think 20 minutes is a great starting point.

Lewis Howes 39:20 Yeah.

Speaker 39:20 Because 20 minutes is significant enough time for your mind to switch off.

Lewis Howes 39:23 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 39:23 So we hear that studies show that we have 60 to 80,000 thoughts a day-

Lewis Howes 39:28 And a lot of them are repeated

Speaker 39:29 ... 80% are negative. 80% are negative-

Lewis Howes 39:30 Yeah

Speaker 39:30 ... and I'm guessing a lot of them are repeated.

Lewis Howes 39:31 Yeah.

Speaker 39:32 And so if you're only gonna say, "I'm gonna do five minutes," it just takes five minutes to switch off. Like it takes five minutes to just overcome that noise. And so I'd say that 20 minutes is a good amount of time. And here you're not trying ... And I think this is the challenge with meditation and mindfulness. You're not trying to empty your mind. You're just trying to be present with it, and actually-

Lewis Howes 39:51 And listen better

Speaker 39:52 ... experience ... and listen to it and experience it.

Lewis Howes 39:55 Why did you decide that you wanted to be a monk in the first place, and how old were you when you did that?

Speaker 39:59 Absolutely. So the, the story starts with something I've been saying a lot called you can't be what you can't see. So I didn't grow up wanting to be a monk.

Lewis Howes 40:08 [laughs]

Speaker 40:09 [laughs] like the w-

Lewis Howes 40:09 What did you grow up wanting to be?

Speaker 40:10 Yeah, I grew up wanting to be a mix of an art director, like for a big magazine or online company, because I loved design, I loved graphics. I loved video-

Lewis Howes 40:19 Oh

Speaker 40:20 ... and art when I was growing up. I loved philosophy, and I loved economics. Those were like my three favorite subjects: art, design, philosophy, and economics. And I always thought I'd be something boring like an investment banker-

Lewis Howes 40:30 Oh

Speaker 40:30 ... because I often say when you, when you grow up in a Asian or Indian family, and if you have any Asian or Indian followers, they'll agree, I had three options. I could either be a doctor, a lawyer, or a failure, right?

Lewis Howes 40:41 Yeah.

Speaker 40:41 Those were like my three options. And so that's what I was going to be. I couldn't be any of those, so I was gonna be an investment banker or a strategy consultant-

Lewis Howes 40:49 [laughs] right

Speaker 40:49 ... like, 'cause I was like I'm rubbish at medicine, [laughs] you know-

Lewis Howes 40:52 Yeah, yeah

Speaker 40:52 ... I'm not very good at law. So I was kind of going down that route because you can't be what you can't see. And growing up as a young Asian person in London, you don't see many people in the media. You don't see many Asians in sport.

Lewis Howes 41:03 Mm.

Speaker 41:03 You don't see many Asians in anything apart from accountancy, business, medicine, and law.

Lewis Howes 41:09 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 41:09 That's, that's literally what you see. And then I was 18. I'm at university. I'm studying my undergraduate, which is in behavioral science.

Lewis Howes 41:17 Mm. In London?

Speaker 41:18 In London. So I've always been fascinated by why people do what they do, always fascinated by why we make decisions, why we lie, why people cheat, why people pretend to be someone they're not. Like all those questions always fascinated me, but just from an intellectual point of view rather than helping people unpackage it. So I was studying that, and then at my university we'd have some of the best entrepreneurs coming to speak every week.

Lewis Howes 41:44 This is in London, right?

Speaker 41:45 In London, in London.

Lewis Howes 41:46 Yeah.

Speaker 41:46 At, at Cass Business School. So there's people coming in every single week, and then I found out that the week later after, I'd been watching entrepreneur after entrepreneur. Loved hearing from CEOs, their success stories. I was a huge fan of rags to riches stories.

Lewis Howes 41:58 Mm.

Speaker 41:59 Like not the riches because of wealth, but just that whole thing of like people going from nothing to something. Like that fascinated me, so I used to read autobiographies. I thought I hated reading until I was 14, until someone handed me an autobiography. I, I think I remember reading The Rock's autobiography [laughs] back then too-

Lewis Howes 42:15 Wow, wow

Speaker 42:15 ... 'cause I used to watch wrestling. But anyway, so I'm fascinated by people who, who go from nothing to something. And then a monk's invited to speak at my university, and I actually get forced along. I'm actually not that interested. I'm like, "What's a monk gonna teach me? Who cares?" Like I've never seen a monk in my life. Don't really know what they do. Get forced by one of my mates to come along. I basically have nothing better to do that night. I turn up. I'm hearing this monk speak, and he captivated me like the most beautiful woman in the world, right? I was just completely enthralled and addicted to everything he said. I was hanging off every word, and there was a voice in my head that was just like, "Who is this guy?" And then I find out that he'd given up jobs at Google and Microsoft to become a monk, and I'm thinking, "Wait a minute. Who does that?" You know, everyone that I've ever met That's all they've been chasing. And all the stories that I'd followed in life were people who went from nothing to something. And here was a guy who had something but had traded it to have nothing, but looked like the happiest person I'd ever met. So it was like the most paradoxical moment of my life, like the most ironic thing that could have happened. Anyway, so I go and speak to him afterwards. I, I love networking with speakers. I'd always approach people after their speech if I was moved. I went up to him and I just said, "You know what? Everything you said just resonated with me." And there was one thing that he said that, that stood above everything, and he spoke about this principle about plant trees under whose shade you do not plan to sit. All right? Plant trees under whose shade you do not plan to sit. What he meant was selfless service.

Lewis Howes 43:57 Mm.

Speaker 43:57 Giving without expecting. Using everything you have, doing something for nothing. Just being able to give. And for some reason, that 18-year-old me, hearing about selflessness, that word kind of just ... I don't know what it was. It was just one of those moments that just, it penetrated through, through every desire I had, and service and selflessness-

Lewis Howes 44:18 Mm

Speaker 44:18 ... became, like, my biggest aspiration in, like, a moment. And I started talking to him. So I started interning with him in India as a monk-

Lewis Howes 44:28 Wow

Speaker 44:29 ... every summer holidays.

Lewis Howes 44:30 Really?

Speaker 44:30 So I'd finish my-

Lewis Howes 44:31 So you're a freshman this year when you go abroad?

Speaker 44:32 I was ... Yeah, yeah. Basically 18. I, I guess so.

Lewis Howes 44:34 Freshman, 19, yeah.

Speaker 44:34 Yeah, I guess that's what you call it, when you've just started out.

Lewis Howes 44:36 Yeah, got it.

Speaker 44:37 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 44:37 So after the first year you had a summer break-

Speaker 44:39 Correct

Lewis Howes 44:39 ... to go to India to be with him for a month, two months?

Speaker 44:42 Yeah, a month or two months, however. So I'd get a summer holiday. I'd spend half of it working in a big corporate firm because I thought that's what I was gonna do, and I'd spend the rest of it and Christmas holidays that we get in London, I'd spend in India-

Lewis Howes 44:53 Mm

Speaker 44:53 ... just kind of shadowing him. And I describe it like that. I was literally interning to be a monk-

Lewis Howes 44:57 Wow

Speaker 44:58 ... where you live like a monk, you practice monk principles, you follow what they do on a daily basis, and you get to experience what it's like.

Lewis Howes 45:06 Mm.

Speaker 45:07 And I'd work at, like, the big ... I'd work at some of these biggest companies in the world, and then I'd go to living with a monk, like polar opposites. We'd be out at night drinking, networking after this-

Lewis Howes 45:15 Yeah, yeah

Speaker 45:15 ... work day.

Lewis Howes 45:16 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 45:16 Right? The, the stuff you do, bars, clubs, et cetera.

Lewis Howes 45:19 Mm.

Speaker 45:19 And then, like, for the rest of the month I'm, like, meditating and spending time with these-

Lewis Howes 45:22 Wow

Speaker 45:22 ... enlightened beings. And, and I can honestly say, having tested and experimented both, I fell in love with that lifestyle more. So having everything on that side versus having nothing on that side, I, I fell in love with having nothing.

Lewis Howes 45:36 Mm.

Speaker 45:37 And so it was like a perfect A and B test, you know? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 45:39 Right.

Speaker 45:39 It was like the perfect process. So that's-

Lewis Howes 45:41 Everything and nothing, which, yeah.

Speaker 45:42 Yeah. So I always say you can't be what you can't see. I wouldn't have become a monk if I didn't see a monk. That, that's, that's my journey to why it started. Why did I decide to become a monk? Because I got to meet a monk, which exploded the horizons and possibilities of what I could be, first of all. I became a monk because I got fascinated by giving everything you have in the service of others. At a very early age, I just got fascinated by that principle.

Lewis Howes 46:07 Mm. Mm.

Speaker 46:07 And the third thing was I fell in love with the lifestyle of a monk more than I did of a modern person.

Lewis Howes 46:14 Why did you fall in love with that?

Speaker 46:15 I fell in love with it because I got so fixated on the fact that what if you could spend your whole life just helping people? Like, what if that's all you did? What if you had to learn, grow, create, just to make a difference in people's lives?

Lewis Howes 46:32 Yeah.

Speaker 46:32 And you didn't need anything back, and you didn't want anything back. And the only example I'd seen of that at that age was the monk. So that was the only kind of-

Lewis Howes 46:42 Right

Speaker 46:42 ... test I had, right?

Lewis Howes 46:43 Yeah.

Speaker 46:43 That's the only person I'd experienced.

Lewis Howes 46:45 So you hadn't met someone who started a nonprofit or something like that who you could, like- [laughs]

Speaker 46:49 I had, I had. But I, I had met people who'd done NGOs and not-for-profits, but I always found that they were still looking for funding.

Lewis Howes 46:55 Oh, yeah. Sure.

Speaker 46:55 And, and I didn't necessarily fall in love with their character.

Lewis Howes 46:58 Uh-huh.

Speaker 46:59 And I think that's a big part of it.

Lewis Howes 47:00 Yeah.

Speaker 47:00 That when I was with the monks, I felt completely in love with their character-

Lewis Howes 47:05 Mm-hmm

Speaker 47:05 ... the way they behaved-

Lewis Howes 47:06 Their purity, their-

Speaker 47:07 ... the way they spoke, their purity

Lewis Howes 47:08 ... their, yeah

Speaker 47:09 ... their, their whole demeanor was just so attractive, and I was like, "That's what I wanna be when I grow up." You know?

Lewis Howes 47:14 Wow.

Speaker 47:14 So while everyone else wanted to be other stuff, when I was 18, I wanted to be a monk.

Lewis Howes 47:18 Wow.

Speaker 47:18 So yeah. But I still ... Yeah, anyway. I mean-

Lewis Howes 47:20 How many summers did you spend with him before you said, "Okay"?

Speaker 47:24 Three. So throughout the whole of university, I spent three. So every break I spent with him.

Lewis Howes 47:29 And then after college?

Speaker 47:30 Christmas. Then after college, that was it. I didn't even go ... So I graduated, but I didn't turn up to my graduation ceremony, so my mom's still upset that she doesn't have a picture of me-

Lewis Howes 47:38 Oh, my gosh

Speaker 47:38 ... holding the scroll, wearing the hat, and I, I left for India straight away, as soon as I graduated.

Lewis Howes 47:43 Why didn't you complete it then?

Speaker 47:45 I, I finished. As in I graduated in the sense of I had my degree.

Lewis Howes 47:47 But why didn't you go all the way, see it all the way through?

Speaker 47:49 Because I had to ... I remember it being delayed f- till December, and we finished in May.

Lewis Howes 47:53 Oh, and you're like-

Speaker 47:53 And I was just like, "I'm going. I'm not waiting till December, and I'm not coming back for that. It's meaningless."

Lewis Howes 47:58 Mm. Yeah.

Speaker 47:58 "What does it even mean?"

Lewis Howes 47:59 Yeah.

Speaker 47:59 And, and I left. So I [laughs] literally just-

Lewis Howes 48:01 I don't care. I want nothing in my life.

Speaker 48:03 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 48:03 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 48:03 Yeah. And then I went.

Lewis Howes 48:04 Wow.

Speaker 48:05 Yeah. So I left, and I was 22 years old and, and I just left. I just wanted to be there and be with him and be with the other monks. And I saw them doing all this incredible work. It's not like they were just being monks in the way people think. I always talk about how half the day was silence and half the day is service. So the service side is building sustainable villages, building food distribution programs, teaching, you know, helping communities. It wasn't just being.

Lewis Howes 48:33 Mm.

Speaker 48:33 It was doing as well.

Lewis Howes 48:34 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 48:34 So I loved that aspect of half the day to grow myself and then half the day to give.

Lewis Howes 48:39 Yeah.

Speaker 48:39 And I was just like, "When am I gonna have time to do this if I work a job?"

Lewis Howes 48:42 Right, right.

Speaker 48:43 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 48:43 What's a typical day like, then? What time did you wake up?

Speaker 48:46 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 48:46 And you would wake up on, like, a concrete floor with, like, a little yoga mat type of thing? Is it-

Speaker 48:49 Literally, yeah

Lewis Howes 48:50 ... like a bamboo mat or some-

Speaker 48:51 So we'd sleep on the floor. The floor was wood. It was, it was like this.

Lewis Howes 48:53 Yeah.

Speaker 48:53 This, this nice wood that you have here. It was decent wood. So [laughs] it was wood. You have your thin yoga mat, 'cause anyone who does yoga knows those thin yoga mats, not the posh ones, and then your sleeping bag, literally.

Lewis Howes 49:03 So you had a sleeping bag, yeah.

Speaker 49:04 Yeah, you get a sleeping bag, right? And this-

Lewis Howes 49:05 A pillow or no pillow?

Speaker 49:06 Uh, most people didn't use their pillows, but my sleeping ... I had a nice sleeping bag, you know?

Lewis Howes 49:11 [laughs] Sure.

Speaker 49:11 I was still, I was still that monk from London.

Lewis Howes 49:13 [laughs]

Speaker 49:13 Like, everyone could tell, right? It was like-

Lewis Howes 49:14 It's like, "Hey, he's got a real blanket"

Speaker 49:15 ... "Oh, his sleeping bag looks a bit too premium," but I was like, you know, "This is the, this is the least I can do."

Lewis Howes 49:19 Yeah. Of course.

Speaker 49:20 So I still had the premium sleeping bag. We'd wake up at about 4:00 AM every day Every single day 4:00 AM

Lewis Howes 49:26 So the first week must've been a little rough to like get into the-

Speaker 49:28 Well, you know what? The way I remember it is that I was so pumped that I'd talked myself into it, plus I'd been doing it every summer.

Lewis Howes 49:34 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 49:34 So it wasn't new. It wasn't like I just threw myself in. I'd lived like that for three summers.

Lewis Howes 49:39 Yeah.

Speaker 49:40 So I was kind of aware of what it was like, but I'd pumped myself so much. I was gonna, "I'm gonna be there at 3:30, you know?"

Lewis Howes 49:45 [laughs]

Speaker 49:45 "I'm gonna, I'm gonna wake up earlier than everyone," you know? I was in that.

Lewis Howes 49:48 [laughs]

Speaker 49:48 And I've always been like that.

Lewis Howes 49:49 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 49:49 I've always been someone who wants to push and-

Lewis Howes 49:50 Wanna do a workout before everyone's up

Speaker 49:51 ... literally, like I was like, "I'm gonna meditate two hours before everyone's awake"

Lewis Howes 49:55 [laughs]

Speaker 49:55 And so I'm pushing myself to limits that, that I didn't know, and I wanted to test it. I was like, "I'm gonna be here for the rest of my life," so-

Lewis Howes 50:02 Wow

Speaker 50:02 ... so I was like, "I'm gonna be here for the rest of my life, so I'm just gonna do this properly" You know? So I ended up, yeah, waking up at 4:00 AM. From 4:00 till 5:15 you have collective meditation, collective-

Lewis Howes 50:13 Group

Speaker 50:13 ... prayers, collective chant. Yeah, group.

Lewis Howes 50:15 Chanting.

Speaker 50:15 Chanting.

Lewis Howes 50:16 Group chanting.

Speaker 50:16 Yeah, group chanting.

Lewis Howes 50:17 That must've been very, like, healing almost at the same time of just, like, chanting together and-

Speaker 50:21 Yes

Lewis Howes 50:22 ... this, the, the symphony that you create with the melodies and...

Speaker 50:26 We, we underestimate what it feels like to be in a place where people have meditated for hundreds of thousands of years. Like, places take on energies.

Lewis Howes 50:35 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 50:36 And that place was a place where people have meditated, those two monasteries, people have meditated for, like, 40 years in that space-

Lewis Howes 50:44 Right

Speaker 50:44 ... for over four hours a day. So you're, like, walking into, like, the most spiritual, sacred atmosphere in the world. You only tap into that more. You know, when we go to a place, we know what it feels like when you've been on a stage that Michael Jackson performed at or when you'd been in an arena where-

Lewis Howes 50:59 Mm-hmm

Speaker 50:59 ... you know, your favorite artist, whatever it is, the analogy that works for you. It was like walking into the arena of the monks-

Lewis Howes 51:07 Wow

Speaker 51:07 ... you know? Like that, that legend-

Lewis Howes 51:08 The legendary monks and-

Speaker 51:09 Yeah, the legend of meditate- like, everything you expect a spiritual atmosphere to contain-

Lewis Howes 51:13 Mm

Speaker 51:14 ... you're getting that because it's, it's amazing. So yeah, it was 4:00 to 5:15 is group meditation. Then 5:15 to 7:00 is private meditation, so that's your personal-

Lewis Howes 51:24 Wow

Speaker 51:25 ... practice. So that's already three hours since you've been awake, right? 7:00 till 7:30 is group meditation, uh, group chanting again, and then 7:30 to 8:30 is a wisdom class on the Vedas. So the Vedas are 5,000 years old, linguistically and philosophically the oldest books on the planet, and so you're trained in the Vedas for an hour, 7:30 to 8:30. And then 8:30-

Lewis Howes 51:49 5,000-year-old book?

Speaker 51:50 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 51:50 Wow.

Speaker 51:51 It's the oldest book. Like, yeah, oldest dated book I've heard of, so yeah.

Lewis Howes 51:54 Wow.

Speaker 51:55 Over 5,000 years old.

Lewis Howes 51:56 Holy cow.

Speaker 51:57 Yeah, it's crazy. It's absolutely crazy.

Lewis Howes 51:59 Okay.

Speaker 51:59 It was funny, actually. I, I, I was sharing this, and I share this all the time, but then I, I'm gonna throw this in there, but I was, when I was at Tai's house he said this to me. He said that... I was telling him about the Bhagavad Gita, which is 5,000 years old, and he said to me, "5,000 years?" just like you did, and I was just like, "Yeah, 5,000 years." He goes, "If it lasted 5,000 years, that must be a really good book" And it's true if you think about it.

Lewis Howes 52:20 Yeah.

Speaker 52:20 How many-

Lewis Howes 52:21 People keep using it, yeah

Speaker 52:22 ... yeah, how many things still matter and change lives today that did 5,000 years ago? Will the Beatles be around in 5,000 years? Will Elvis, will me, will you, you know, will any of this? But the fact that a book has withstood 5,000 years-

Lewis Howes 52:35 Very impressive

Speaker 52:36 ... that's pretty impressive. Anyway, so we do that from 7:30 to 8:30, and then at 8:30 you get breakfast. Right? You finally get breakfast.

Lewis Howes 52:43 [laughs]

Speaker 52:44 And from 8:30 to 9:00, whenever you eat breakfast, and then for the rest of the day you'd spend the morning studying the books again on a personal level. You'd do basic things like cleaning. You'd wash your clothes. You'd, you know, all the domestic stuff that you have to do, clean the space you live in. And then usually by lunchtime everything changed. You, I'd either be out teaching local communities or we'd be helping build these sustainable villages, food distribution programs, et cetera.

Lewis Howes 53:10 Mm.

Speaker 53:10 So the rest of the day was not as planned as the morning. So it, when we now talk about morning routines, when I hear about that, I'm just like, "Yeah, that's like a monk thing" Like, as a monk-

Lewis Howes 53:20 [laughs]

Speaker 53:20 ... you're trained to have an incredible morning routine-

Lewis Howes 53:23 Mm-hmm

Speaker 53:23 ... and then whatever you do in your day will be incredible because you've started off correctly.

Lewis Howes 53:28 Yeah.

Speaker 53:28 So it's, it's interesting to see the rise of the morning routine-

Lewis Howes 53:32 Right

Speaker 53:32 ... as habits and success because as a monk that's what you're trained in.

Lewis Howes 53:35 Wow.

Speaker 53:36 So yeah, that's, that's roughly the schedule, and then it changes after 9:30 AM.

Lewis Howes 53:40 And where in India was this?

Speaker 53:41 So this is in Mumbai and four hours south of Mumbai.

Lewis Howes 53:44 Okay. Wow.

Speaker 53:44 So, but when you go outside of Mumbai, I'm looking at these beautiful plant things you have here.

Lewis Howes 53:49 Yeah.

Speaker 53:49 It's kind of like that, you know? It's just like woodlands, like green.

Lewis Howes 53:52 Really?

Speaker 53:52 Yeah, like no, no cars, no traffic, no noise-

Lewis Howes 53:56 Fresh

Speaker 53:56 ... fresh air.

Lewis Howes 53:57 How would you guys commute then or travel to speak or teach or build homes?

Speaker 54:02 So we would ha- we would have cars that, that we would either drive ourselves... I never drove in India. I never would drive in India.

Lewis Howes 54:08 Right. It's crazy.

Speaker 54:09 It's the scariest experience-

Lewis Howes 54:10 Crazy

Speaker 54:10 ... in the world. People get scared about New York. India's just a different level.

Lewis Howes 54:14 Yeah.

Speaker 54:14 So I never drove, but they would have drivers, et cetera, who would drive us around, monks that drive, et cetera.

Lewis Howes 54:19 So the, what's it called, the place you were at?

Speaker 54:23 Ashram or a monastery.

Lewis Howes 54:24 Yeah, ashram.

Speaker 54:24 So a monastery is an ashram. Ashram is just a Sanskrit word-

Lewis Howes 54:27 Got it

Speaker 54:27 ... for a monastery.

Lewis Howes 54:27 So it had, like, some funding so you guys could rent cars or whatever and-

Speaker 54:31 Yeah, so, so the funding comes from donors that really believe in the work you're doing, and then that money is used effectively. Again, people say, "Oh, how do monk drive? How do monks use money?" Well, we'd never use it for ourselves. We had two sets of clothes.

Lewis Howes 54:44 Mm.

Speaker 54:44 We didn't have any possessions, but we were using the cars and what we had to create these communities, to create sustainable villages, to-

Lewis Howes 54:51 Right

Speaker 54:51 ... to create change in the world. So again, everything's being utilized for a higher purpose-

Lewis Howes 54:56 Mm

Speaker 54:56 ... rather than the mentality of, oh, you can't use that. So if we didn't use that, we might be happy, but how are you gonna help the rest of the world? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 55:03 Right.

Speaker 55:03 You know? So that's how we were trained.

Lewis Howes 55:05 And were you in contact with your family as well during this time or-

Speaker 55:07 Yeah, I used to connect-

Lewis Howes 55:08 Okay

Speaker 55:08 ... with my family because the tradition was to o- of, like, that, again, that balance between detachment and attachment. So it's said that detachment and attachment are two sides of the same coin, attachment and aversion. So some people just wanna be monks or wanna have isolation because they wanna get away from reality, which is no better than being fully attached So the Bhagavad Gita says that attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin. So actually the ideal is the central balance, where you're able to talk to your parents, you're able to give them love, you're able to be grateful, but then again, you're, you're still realizing that there's more impact you can have in the world than just making your parents happy.

Lewis Howes 55:49 Mm.

Speaker 55:50 So it's that perfect dynamic balance between the two. So I'd ke- I'd speak to my mum and dad every month probably, catch up with them on the phone. If I was in Europe and traveling for what we were trying to do as monks, then I'd come and see them, et cetera.

Lewis Howes 56:02 Mm.

Speaker 56:03 Say hello to them. So I wasn't completely detached, but it was always making sure that balance. You know? Not, not like, oh, I'm ... Not that ... Monk life shouldn't ... The way we were trained is monk life should never be an escape from reality. It shouldn't be that you can't do anything else in life and you don't want responsibilities, that's why you become a monk. Right?

Lewis Howes 56:22 Mm.

Speaker 56:22 So it was very, it was very much ingrained in us that you're not here because you can't do anything else. You do, you're here because you know this is higher, and you can have more of an impact-

Lewis Howes 56:32 Mm

Speaker 56:32 ... in your life in the world.

Lewis Howes 56:34 So, but you're not supposed to be in a relationship or-

Speaker 56:37 No

Lewis Howes 56:37 ... have sex as a monk. So-

Speaker 56:38 No, you're a celibate monk, so no-

Lewis Howes 56:39 So why do you detach from that then?

Speaker 56:41 Yeah. Good question.

Lewis Howes 56:42 Why do you escape from that?

Speaker 56:43 So that's to be able to give yourself all the time, focus, and energy on personal growth and development. So we all know this, right? Anyone who's been, and I've been in multiple relationships before I became a monk. We all know this. When you're in a relationship, things slow down because now you're managing two minds. You're now having to give energy to another person. You have to give time to another person. You lose time, energy, and moments to invest in your own growth.

Lewis Howes 57:09 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 57:10 So monks traditionally have lived celibate lives so that they can focus on their own growth, so that they're not distracted, they're not falling prey to any, any lust-

Lewis Howes 57:19 Mm

Speaker 57:19 ... or engaging in any flirtatious conversations that again brings down-

Lewis Howes 57:24 Distract the mind

Speaker 57:24 ... the consciousness

Lewis Howes 57:24 Yeah

Speaker 57:24 ... and distracts the mind. You're learning to train your mind like an athlete. Like so many athletes can't ... I mean, maybe, maybe you had this experience too, but I remember reading David Beckham's autobiography many years ago, and he was talking about that, how they were trained not to have sex before big games.

Lewis Howes 57:40 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 57:41 Right? No alcohol in the weeks leading up to big games.

Lewis Howes 57:44 Yeah.

Speaker 57:44 I remember him talking about how when all his friends were out partying, he'd have to get to bed on time.

Lewis Howes 57:49 Yeah.

Speaker 57:49 So it's like you see athletes go to very similar training as monks.

Lewis Howes 57:52 Sure.

Speaker 57:52 So it's not abnormal. We see it in modern life-

Lewis Howes 57:55 Mm

Speaker 57:55 ... where people who have to be peak performance, they also use the same measures.

Lewis Howes 58:00 Yeah.

Speaker 58:00 Very similar measures to monk life.

Lewis Howes 58:03 But doesn't personal growth also come from experiencing life and not detaching from it-

Speaker 58:09 Yeah

Lewis Howes 58:09 ... only isolating yourself, but also experiencing all the things that could happen in life, and growing in that?

Speaker 58:14 Yeah, absolutely. And I think the whole thing there is that most of us just throw ourselves into the deep end, and then try swim and figure it out.

Lewis Howes 58:23 Right.

Speaker 58:24 Monk life actually begins at like five years old. Like the training of s- monk life is ultimately training in self-actualization and self-awareness.

Lewis Howes 58:32 Mm.

Speaker 58:32 It's meant to start when you're five. The problem is we all went to normal schools that try to put stuff in us rather than take stuff out of us.

Lewis Howes 58:38 Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 58:39 You talk about this.

Lewis Howes 58:40 Right, right.

Speaker 58:40 Right? Like you, you know, you were told at school that you weren't very good-

Lewis Howes 58:44 Right

Speaker 58:44 ... and you weren't good at English, and now you have a New York Times best seller, right?

Lewis Howes 58:47 Right, right. Yeah.

Speaker 58:47 And it, and it's like but no one noticed that potential inside you. No one noticed that, oh, Lewis was really creative.

Lewis Howes 58:54 Right.

Speaker 58:54 And you're not the only person. There's so many people who feel like that. So the modern schooling system didn't extrapolate your self-actualization, your element, and just try to put maths, English, science inside.

Lewis Howes 59:05 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 59:06 So the point is that you're trying to get to such a strong foundation, that when you interact in the world, you're going with a sense of strength, fuel, energy to make a difference. Rather than going into the world and then going, "Oh my god, where am I?" Trying to figure it out. And I find what happens today is that when you don't, we all know this, we ... I mean, self-love's become such a big thing now.

Lewis Howes 59:26 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 59:26 That when people don't figure o-

Lewis Howes 59:28 [laughs]

Speaker 59:28 Yeah, it's like a huge trend now.

Lewis Howes 59:29 [laughs]

Speaker 59:30 But, but my point is that if you don't start at a place where you have self-awareness, self-actualization, you have figured out what works for you, what your strengths are, how you wanna be in an environment, when you walk out there, most of us just pretend to be someone else. Most of us get lost. Most of us get carried away.

Lewis Howes 59:49 Yeah.

Speaker 59:49 So my point is strengthen yourself, grow yourself, and then of course interact with the world. So we had that. We were going out to pitch to Forbes rich list members to fund our philanthropy work.

Lewis Howes 1:00:01 Wow.

Speaker 1:00:01 Right? We'd be in these pitch meetings dressed as monks, and then be laying bricks the next moment.

Lewis Howes 1:00:05 Oh my god.

Speaker 1:00:05 So you get the perfect balance. At one point you're in this fancy office, and the next moment you're laying bricks. You're like digging, you know. So, so it's not that you're not getting both. You are getting both. Just the relationship aspect of a, of a female partner, or a male partner if you're a female monk, is, is limited because the whole aim is to allow you to just focus on first finding yourself-

Lewis Howes 1:00:28 Mm

Speaker 1:00:28 ... before you try and find the checklist you've been following your whole life.

Lewis Howes 1:00:31 What would you say are the three questions we should ask ourself every single day that would help us improve our life?

Speaker 1:00:37 In that moment?

Lewis Howes 1:00:37 Internal questions, every day, during meditation, what should I a- be asking myself? And what should the world be asking ourselves in order to make sure we're living a purposeful life?

Speaker 1:00:48 Yeah. What a beautiful question. Yeah, I'd say one of the first questions that always comes to my mind is, is how can I be of service today? How can I be in, and this is extended from that first question, how can I be a instrument of love, compassion, and kindness? And that's what I count as service in my own definition.

Lewis Howes 1:01:08 Yeah.

Speaker 1:01:08 And so what I would say to anyone listening is define the words yourself because what service means to you, me, may be different to you.

Lewis Howes 1:01:16 Right.

Speaker 1:01:16 And so it's important. But for me it's like how can I be of service today? And the reason why I love that is, we've talked about this before, when you're wired for service, you're set up. Right? We talked about in the last podcast, like-

Lewis Howes 1:01:26 Mm

Speaker 1:01:26 ... service sets you up to feel satisfaction, to build bonds, and create connections, and does so much. So being of service is the one of the first questions I would ask. The second question I always ask myself is what do I love about myself? Right? What do I actually love about myself?

Lewis Howes 1:01:40 That is probably the most powerful question anyone could ask, because most people never learn to love themselves.

Speaker 1:01:45 Totally.

Lewis Howes 1:01:46 And we always find the things that we don't love about ourselves, and we fixate on those things, and that's one of the repeating thoughts in our head that keeps us playing small every day.

Speaker 1:01:54 All the time. All the time. And, and we talk a lot about, today, self-love and self-care, but I think, you know, a lot of that starts with self-awareness-

Lewis Howes 1:02:04 Mm

Speaker 1:02:04 ... which we know about, self-knowledge, but self-knowledge creates self-trust. And a lot of it's, like, learning to trust ourselves, and it's like, if I don't know what I love about myself, how am I ever gonna trust myself?

Lewis Howes 1:02:15 Mm.

Speaker 1:02:15 How am I gonna trust that I have my best interest at heart?

Lewis Howes 1:02:19 Yeah.

Speaker 1:02:19 And so asking yourself, what do you love? And, and then the third and final question I think I would ask myself is, is who do I want to be, right? Who do I w- who is the person that I need to be, uh, that I can love, that I want to love, that I wanna give more love to?

Lewis Howes 1:02:36 Mm.

Speaker 1:02:36 Like, what parts of growth are there still available? And, and there's one thing I wanna add, which isn't a question, but it has been a really reaffirming or, or deepening affirmation for me that I keep reminding myself, and I think it's helped a lot of people that I've shared it with, is literally some days I'll just put my hand on my heart, and I'll just repeat to myself, "I'm exactly where I need to be."

Lewis Howes 1:02:57 Mm.

Speaker 1:02:58 And-

Lewis Howes 1:02:59 So true

Speaker 1:02:59 ... it's just such a great reminder. Like, if you literally put your hand on your heart and you just go, "I am exactly where I need to be," you stop getting lost in the future, you stop worrying about the past, and you realize that everything you need to learn, everything you read right now to make a change, it's all right now. It's all right here. And so that's one of my favorite things to repeat. It's not a question, but-

Lewis Howes 1:03:21 It's more of a mantra, saying-

Speaker 1:03:22 Correct, yeah

Lewis Howes 1:03:23 ... [sighs] because I fin- I find it so hard for people today who compare themselves to everyone online-

Speaker 1:03:29 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:03:29 ... about not being where they wanna be, or not having the, the career, or the relationship, or the body, or whatever, the following or the attention. P- a lot of people compare themselves to other people in their space.

Speaker 1:03:41 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:03:42 Friends, family, and they don't feel enough.

Speaker 1:03:45 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:03:45 And so when we say to ourselves, "I'm exactly where I need to be," does that help us eliminate the feeling of not being enough?

Speaker 1:03:52 Yeah, absolutely. You're spot on. Because we're always feeling like we're... We either feel like we're ahead, we feel like, "Oh, I'm doing better than everyone. I'm, I'm kind of, like, winning the game," or more often we feel behind, where we feel like, "Oh, they just got promoted. Oh, they just, you know, they got proposed to," whatever it is. Like, we're always feeling ahead.

Lewis Howes 1:04:09 They have their first child or whatever, yeah.

Speaker 1:04:10 They have their first child, they, uh, bought their first house, whatever it is, and we're always feeling ahead or behind. And so when you say to yourself-

Lewis Howes 1:04:19 Mm

Speaker 1:04:19 ... "I'm exactly where I need to be," you realize you're not ahead or behind. And the problem is, if you always think you're ahead or behind, then you're always comparing yourself to others, whereas if you're where you need to be, you now just need to get to the next place of where you wanna be.

Lewis Howes 1:04:33 Yeah.

Speaker 1:04:33 And, and also, you only get ahead of yourself by first being present with yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:04:39 And I think it's really hard to say that when you're in a challenging place in your life. "I'm exactly where I need to be. I f- I'm broke. My-

Speaker 1:04:45 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:04:45 ... my dog died, my girlfriend broke up with me." [laughs] Like-

Speaker 1:04:48 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:04:48 ... it's hard to accept that.

Speaker 1:04:50 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:04:50 And I've been there. I know you've been there.

Speaker 1:04:51 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:04:51 It's really challenging to say, "My life is perfect right now," when you don't feel that way.

Speaker 1:04:57 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:04:58 But I think when you can learn to accept timing of life, and know that... You know, a mentor of mine early on, um, when I was broke and I was an intern working for free for six months for someone, I was living on my sister's couch. I remember just saying... I would do walks with him every day, and I was like, "Man, I could really use some money, like, in my life. I'm just sick of being broke." And he said something I'll never forget. He said, "Money comes to you when you're ready for it." And I was like, "I feel pretty ready right now."

Speaker 1:05:26 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:05:26 Like, "I feel like I could have some money."

Speaker 1:05:28 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:05:28 And I wasn't ready for it. Mentally, emotionally, my life wasn't set up. I didn't have systems set up in place-

Speaker 1:05:35 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:05:35 ... to really receive the money and be able to do good with it.

Speaker 1:05:38 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:05:38 And be able to use it for good in my life, and put it to good use.

Speaker 1:05:41 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:05:42 And later, when I started to make money, I realized, like, oh, I probably would've blown that money.

Speaker 1:05:47 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:05:47 I would've spent it poorly. I would've made the wrong investments, whatever it may be.

Speaker 1:05:51 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:05:52 It's hard to hear when things aren't going well, but I think trusting the timing of your life. Like, if you would've built your empire seven years ago, you probably wouldn't have been ready for... Maybe, maybe you would've been, but you wouldn't have been ready, or social media wasn't the right timing for your message to be out there. Is that right?

Speaker 1:06:10 Yeah. I, I, I think that if I wouldn't have gone to monk school, then-

Lewis Howes 1:06:15 Mm

Speaker 1:06:15 ... I think you can become successful but still feel extremely dissatisfied-

Lewis Howes 1:06:21 Right

Speaker 1:06:21 ... or misuse the success.

Lewis Howes 1:06:23 Yes.

Speaker 1:06:24 And I don't think that that can be blamed on anyone, because no one's ever been taught how to deal with failure or success.

Lewis Howes 1:06:30 Right.

Speaker 1:06:30 There's no class on, "Here's how you deal with failure."

Lewis Howes 1:06:32 Yeah. [laughs]

Speaker 1:06:32 "Or here's how you deal with success." But the funny thing is, those are the two most extreme things that we all experience.

Lewis Howes 1:06:38 And the things we're most afraid of are failure and success.

Speaker 1:06:40 And success.

Lewis Howes 1:06:42 So how do we deal with failure? If you could give a mini masterclass right now-

Speaker 1:06:46 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:06:46 ... what would you suggest to people who are afraid to fail?

Speaker 1:06:49 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:49 How to deal with it.

Speaker 1:06:50 Yeah. I think one of my first things in failure is don't take it more personally than it actually is, and I'll give an example of that. When I was applying to 40 companies that all rejected me-

Lewis Howes 1:07:04 [laughs]

Speaker 1:07:04 ... before an interview-

Lewis Howes 1:07:06 Yeah

Speaker 1:07:06 ... all I was getting was an automated response saying, "Your application will not go any further." I can't take that personally, because they didn't meet me in person. They didn't have a interaction with me. They just saw my name. They saw I'd been a monk for three years. That resume is useless. I mean-

Lewis Howes 1:07:24 Sure

Speaker 1:07:24 ... what's your transferable skills?

Lewis Howes 1:07:26 Right.

Speaker 1:07:26 Like, sitting in silence and stillness. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:07:28 [laughs] Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:07:28 Surprise, surprise, no one wants to hire a monk. And so they rejected you, but that's not personal, because they didn't meet me in person.

Lewis Howes 1:07:33 But what if they had met you in person?

Speaker 1:07:34 Right. So that's the first thing.

Lewis Howes 1:07:36 Yeah.

Speaker 1:07:36 The first thing is don't take all f- fear, failure... I'll give an example. Me and you- We reach out to countless guests to be on our podcast

Lewis Howes 1:07:43 Mm-hmm. Who say no all the time.

Speaker 1:07:44 Who say no all the time. But if I don't hear a no from the guest directly, that's not a no. Like, someone's team can say no, someone's assistant can say no, someone's PR team can say no, but until they say no personally, it's not a no.

Lewis Howes 1:07:57 Okay, but when they do say no?

Speaker 1:07:59 Then that's a no, yeah. So then let's move to that.

Lewis Howes 1:08:00 So how do you deal with that type of failure?

Speaker 1:08:01 Yes. So if I deal with a failure where someone meets me in person and gets to know me-

Lewis Howes 1:08:05 No, Jay, you're horrible.

Speaker 1:08:07 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:08:07 You suck. Like, I don't want to deal with a monk ever in my life.

Speaker 1:08:09 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:08:10 I would never go on your show. I'm never listening to you. Never.

Speaker 1:08:13 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:08:14 Then how do you deal with that type of failure?

Speaker 1:08:15 So I've heard you say this, uh, I've said a couple of times, and I'm sure it's been repeated-

Lewis Howes 1:08:19 Uh-huh

Speaker 1:08:19 ... a bunch of times around how I genuinely believe failure has feedback.

Lewis Howes 1:08:22 It's feedback, yeah.

Speaker 1:08:22 And, and so for me, it's like failure has the ability to actually tell you what you need to improve. Now, not to improve to get their attention, improving to get the actions that you want to take.

Lewis Howes 1:08:36 Yeah, or the result you want. I mean, yeah.

Speaker 1:08:37 The results you want.

Lewis Howes 1:08:38 Yeah.

Speaker 1:08:38 And don't make that result about the person who said no. Don't try use failure as a way to prove someone else wrong.

Lewis Howes 1:08:44 'Cause what happens when we prove others wrong?

Speaker 1:08:47 When you prove others wrong, you end up trying to get validation and approval for them, and now if they're not impressed when you're right, you lose again, so you end up losing twice.

Lewis Howes 1:08:55 You lo- And you spend all this time and energy, years maybe, to prove someone wrong. I've been there many times.

Speaker 1:09:00 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:09:00 And then you're like, "I felt good for a moment-

Speaker 1:09:02 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:09:02 ... and then I feel empty again."

Speaker 1:09:03 Totally. And, and so that's the thing about failure in the second half is you have to see failure as an improvement. If, if I'm completely honest, everyone who rejected me in my life up until now has made me more hungry, taught me so much more about myself, and made me up my game.

Lewis Howes 1:09:21 Yeah.

Speaker 1:09:22 And I think if failure doesn't make you up your game... It's the same as losing in a sport, right? When you fail, and you've lost games, and you've won games-

Lewis Howes 1:09:30 Yeah

Speaker 1:09:30 ... you know, on the big stages.

Lewis Howes 1:09:32 You didn't have the skills, you didn't have the teamwork, you guys weren't hungry enough, whatever it is.

Speaker 1:09:35 You weren't communicating enough.

Lewis Howes 1:09:36 There's something you were missing.

Speaker 1:09:37 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:09:38 So you go review the game film, you check the stats, you see, "What could I have done better?" And you try to improve that for the next game.

Speaker 1:09:44 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:09:45 And I think a lot of people can do that in life, but we're so afraid to, like, go on the next game-

Speaker 1:09:49 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:09:49 ... of life. Like, I got rejected once, and it hurt so bad.

Speaker 1:09:52 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:09:53 How do people learn to overcome that pain of rejection-

Speaker 1:09:57 Yeah, yeah

Lewis Howes 1:09:58 ... to keep going?

Speaker 1:09:59 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:09:59 You know, in sports luckily there's a season, which like you might have 30 basketball games. After you lose the first two, you don't say, "Eh, I'm just gonna give up the rest of the season."

Speaker 1:10:06 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:10:06 You keep playing.

Speaker 1:10:07 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:10:08 But in life, a lot of people stop playing.

Speaker 1:10:10 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:10:11 Why?

Speaker 1:10:11 Yeah. I think that's great mental training, too.

Lewis Howes 1:10:13 Yeah.

Speaker 1:10:13 I think sports is great mental training because you have to show up to the next game even if you lost, and you don't feel bad.

Lewis Howes 1:10:19 Exactly.

Speaker 1:10:19 Uh, you f- don't feel good, sorry. And, and one of the things, before I dive into that question, one of the things that you reminded me of was the, The Last Dance documentary.

Lewis Howes 1:10:27 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:10:27 So there's that season that Michael Jordan, everyone is agreement... in, in agreement that he is one of the best players to be playing, and they keep losing.

Lewis Howes 1:10:38 And they didn't make the finals, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1:10:38 Right? They didn't make the finals. They lost. And then they realized they need to get the team, and they need to find the... I think they bring in Dennis Rodman-

Lewis Howes 1:10:46 Yeah

Speaker 1:10:46 ... and then they start bringing in all these other players that strengthen. Whereas if they would've just said, "Oh, we got the best player in the world, we just keep doing this," I'm not sure they would've got there, right? But the coach, Phil Jackson, and the team, they had to adapt. And so you're saying why do we feel that pain in rejection-

Lewis Howes 1:11:01 Mm-hmm

Speaker 1:11:01 ... and, and how do we deal with that?

Lewis Howes 1:11:03 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:11:04 I think we feel that pain because we look at a failure, right, we look at it as a complete definition of us.

Lewis Howes 1:11:12 Mm.

Speaker 1:11:12 Right? We're looking at it as, as, uh... There's that famous statement of like, you know, "Failure is an event, not a person."

Lewis Howes 1:11:19 Right.

Speaker 1:11:19 And I don't know who said it, but it's one of those statements that, that really clicks. Like, failure is, uh, an event, not a person.

Lewis Howes 1:11:25 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:11:25 Whereas we start thinking we are the failure.

Lewis Howes 1:11:27 Mm.

Speaker 1:11:28 Like we say, "I am-"

Lewis Howes 1:11:29 "I am a failure." [laughs]

Speaker 1:11:32 [laughs] Exactly. Exactly, right? Like, I... Those are the words, "I am a failure. I got rejected." And it's like no, your application got rejected.

Lewis Howes 1:11:41 Yeah, your efforts.

Speaker 1:11:42 Your effort. Your specific effort at this moment in time got rejected. Your specific exam at this point got failed. You didn't... You are not a failure. And so you have to disconnect and distance yourself from the event.

Lewis Howes 1:11:55 You know what's interesting is, like, no one who was successful at everything they did ever told a good story.

Speaker 1:12:01 [sighs]

Lewis Howes 1:12:02 Like, the greatest stories are the ones who overcame failure and adversity.

Speaker 1:12:06 Yes, yes.

Lewis Howes 1:12:06 It's not the ones who are like, "Everything was easy for me. Everyone loved me. Everyone accepted my actions. I didn't have to work hard, and it just came to me effortlessly."

Speaker 1:12:14 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:12:14 Like, people don't care about that.

Speaker 1:12:15 No.

Lewis Howes 1:12:15 That's not a good story. That's not an inspirational human being.

Speaker 1:12:19 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:12:19 It's the human that had to deal with adversity that we really admire-

Speaker 1:12:23 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:12:23 ... and we look up to.

Speaker 1:12:24 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:12:24 Even if they had some low moments, it's a much better story of hearing about someone's failure than hearing how they succeeded.

Speaker 1:12:32 Totally. And you've... That's a beautiful lesson, that one of the biggest mistakes we make is we don't study the stories of the greats. So how many people's lives have you studied from start to finish?

Lewis Howes 1:12:44 Yeah.

Speaker 1:12:44 If you've studied someone's life from start to finish, I genuinely believe this is, like, the core skill that's needed. I would say that the people I admire, I have studied their lives from start to finish. I know why they made bad decisions, what they consider to be good decisions. Like, there's autobiographies and biographies out there. There's podcasts like ours where people come and listen to people's stories. If you've not studied someone's story, then you can't follow that path because every time-

Lewis Howes 1:13:11 Yeah

Speaker 1:13:11 ... you hit a rejection... So every time I get rejected, I think of Steve Jobs getting kicked out of his own company.

Lewis Howes 1:13:16 Crazy, isn't it?

Speaker 1:13:16 Every time I fail, I think about Michael Jordan losing a game. Every time I get tired of training, I think about Cristiano Ronaldo putting in that extra rep. Those are the visual cues-

Lewis Howes 1:13:27 [laughs]

Speaker 1:13:27 ... that we need, but you only get those visual cues if you've done the research-

Lewis Howes 1:13:31 Mm-hmm

Speaker 1:13:31 ... and the study. And then you go, "Oh, if Steve Jobs was kicked out of his own company but then still had the audacity at one point to go and build Pixar, then I think I'm all right if I just jo- didn't get this job."

Lewis Howes 1:13:41 Yeah, and he w-

Speaker 1:13:42 Right?

Lewis Howes 1:13:42 And Apple wouldn't be where it is today without him getting kicked out, learning the lessons, having humility, like, gaining some compassion, all the things that people said he didn't have fully at that time. He learned by having to be kicked out-

Speaker 1:13:55 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:13:55 ... start something else, bring a new perspective.

Speaker 1:13:58 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:13:58 What did you call it? The, um- Association?

Speaker 1:14:01 Yeah, associating. Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:14:02 ... like, he was able to then go somewhere else and spot different trends, and then he came back to Apple and built it to where it is today-

Speaker 1:14:08 Right

Lewis Howes 1:14:08 ... well, helped build it to where it is today. And he probably... Apple wouldn't be where it is-

Speaker 1:14:13 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:14:13 ... today without him being a rejection.

Speaker 1:14:15 Which is crazy to just-

Lewis Howes 1:14:16 Right

Speaker 1:14:17 ... think of it. Yeah. Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:14:18 So if he would've kept saying, "I'm gonna keep doing it my way, and this is the way it is," it probably would have had some challenges.

Speaker 1:14:24 Yeah, absolutely. And, and I think that's the... The more you study the lives of inspirational people, and that's what I'd say, is everyone should pick their top three inspirational people-

Lewis Howes 1:14:33 Mm-hmm

Speaker 1:14:33 ... and go and study their life.

Lewis Howes 1:14:35 The full life. Yeah.

Speaker 1:14:35 Their full life.

Lewis Howes 1:14:36 Yeah.

Speaker 1:14:37 And read the biography, the autobiography, listen to every podcast. I mean, like, seriously get immersed in that person, all of the journey in the industry you're trying to make it in.

Lewis Howes 1:14:47 Sure.

Speaker 1:14:47 And when you do that, you'll realize that your journey actually doesn't look that different from theirs.

Lewis Howes 1:14:50 Yeah.

Speaker 1:14:51 It actually probably looks similar.

Lewis Howes 1:14:52 So how do we go inside our minds and say, "Okay, I'm getting rejected over and over again. I'm trying really hard. It's not working." How do we still deal with that emotional pain?

Speaker 1:15:02 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:15:03 Is it just the self-awareness that every great person had to go through this, and this is just a timing thing? Like, how do we eventually just ease that, or should we not try to ease that pain?

Speaker 1:15:14 I don't think it's about easing it. I think it's about tr- engaging it, you know? It's, it... And I, I believe that the engaging does the easing, in my opinion-

Lewis Howes 1:15:22 Yes

Speaker 1:15:22 ... at least. So what I mean by that is behind that pain is a understanding that I don't have this skill.

Lewis Howes 1:15:30 Yes.

Speaker 1:15:30 Or is an understanding of I didn't try hard enough, or is an understanding of, oh, maybe there's just another option. Because guess what? Sometimes you may have done the best pitch in the world, and you just had an executive that didn't like your vibe.

Lewis Howes 1:15:45 Yeah. Keep going. Keep bouncing to different people.

Speaker 1:15:46 And keep, yeah, keep going. Like, you, you know, you've just gotta realize that there's one... There's a, there's a... You have to engage that pain in discovery, and that eases it. Because when you discover, like, oh, that... Like, for exa- Let's take my podcast. My podcast producer, the team that was meant to produce my podcast, pulled out two weeks before we launched my podcast.

Lewis Howes 1:16:04 Mm.

Speaker 1:16:04 And I thought I had this big deal lined up. I was really excited. I'd never launched a podcast before, and I thought, "Oh, yeah, this is gonna be amazing." And I was in India meditating for my annual trip that I take. I come back, and the first news I remember receiving is, "By the way, this isn't happening anymore."

Lewis Howes 1:16:21 Mm.

Speaker 1:16:21 And I'd said that I was gonna launch my podcast on Valentine's Day 2019, and I had my episodes recorded with my wife-

Lewis Howes 1:16:28 Yeah

Speaker 1:16:28 ... and I'd already gone out and made the content. So just to tee up how bad that two-week notice was, I'd already gone to Monaco, interviewed Novak.

Lewis Howes 1:16:36 Yeah.

Speaker 1:16:36 I'd already interviewed Lily. I'd interviewed Russell Brand in London. I'd interviewed, uh, my wife, and obviously those people are all close friends and people I know, so they were very happy to be on the podcast even when, uh, it was new. So I'd already done all that effort. I'd already created all the content myself. All this podcast company was gonna do was put it out there-

Lewis Howes 1:16:55 Yeah

Speaker 1:16:55 ... and help me market it a bit, and then they pull out two weeks before it comes out. And I'm going to myself, "Wow, okay. Like, I can either sit here and be really sad, or I can scrap together and figure it out." And so the only thing I realized was it actually turned out perfectly because now I own my [laughs] podcast fully.

Lewis Howes 1:17:12 There you go.

Speaker 1:17:13 And I'm completely aware of every part of the journey, and it gave me more confidence in myself that I could scrap together when I had to.

Lewis Howes 1:17:20 Yeah.

Speaker 1:17:21 And I think that's what it is, that we lack confidence. We're waiting for someone else to tell us how we should feel about ourself.

Lewis Howes 1:17:28 And I think if we go back to those three questions you said, like when you're feeling a failure over and over and over again, or you feel a sense of I'm not enough, or whatever it may be-

Speaker 1:17:36 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:17:36 ... go back to asking those three questions to yourself. How can I be of service today-

Speaker 1:17:40 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:17:40 ... or, or serve today? What can I love about myself? So even when everyone's saying no, what is there to love about me?

Speaker 1:17:46 Right.

Lewis Howes 1:17:46 To remind yourself and not be validated by other people's opinions.

Speaker 1:17:49 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:17:50 And who do I wanna be-

Speaker 1:17:51 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:17:52 ... that I can love?

Speaker 1:17:53 Yes, exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:17:53 Like who-

Speaker 1:17:53 Who do I need to become?

Lewis Howes 1:17:54 Who do I need to become that I can love?

Speaker 1:17:56 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:17:56 And just keep focusing on the process because the process is the prize.

Speaker 1:17:59 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:18:00 And focus on that journey.

Speaker 1:18:01 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:18:02 I'm curious about success then. You know, w- we, we talked about how to deal with failure, but how do we deal with success? Because this is actually... When I ask most people, 50/50 of people are failure, and success is their biggest fear. And some people say, "Why would you be afraid of success?" But a lot of people are afraid to succeed-

Speaker 1:18:19 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:18:19 ... because of the weight, the pressure, uh, can I maintain it? My family and friends aren't gonna support me, and they're gonna try to pull me back down, all this stuff.

Speaker 1:18:27 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:18:28 How do we deal with success? Because we're not taught this growing up.

Speaker 1:18:31 Yeah. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:18:31 So how do you think we should deal with it?

Speaker 1:18:33 One of my favorite ways to deal with success is continue trying to be the least successful person-

Lewis Howes 1:18:39 Mm

Speaker 1:18:39 ... in the room that you... And I think there's those statements of, like, you know, never be the-

Lewis Howes 1:18:42 Always be the dumbest person in the room. Yeah

Speaker 1:18:43 ... yeah, never be the smartest person in the room, et cetera. And I think it's the same with if you become successful, don't just stand at the top of the mountain. Don't just stand at the top of the building. Go back down the stairs and, and keep building and keep living as that person that got you there. Because you only got there because you started from the bottom, right? No one starts at the top.

Lewis Howes 1:19:04 Mm.

Speaker 1:19:04 And so you started at the bottom, and you built it up, and it was that mindset that you started with that got you there. And so you wanna keep rediscovering that mindset, and new parts of it. There are new parts to that mindset, too, where you're always trying to challenge yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:19:18 Mm.

Speaker 1:19:18 And so for me, one of the best ways of dealing with success is keep expanding the goalposts, right? Keep widening the goalposts. Keep making them harder to reach and challenging yourself. Because when you challenge yourself and you push yourself out of your comfort zone, you're naturally humbled.

Lewis Howes 1:19:33 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:19:34 Because you're naturally humbled. When you're walking into spaces, I'm sure you feel this sometimes, like sometimes I walk into a room, and I'm like, "How did I even get here?"

Lewis Howes 1:19:41 Yeah. [laughs]

Speaker 1:19:42 Right? Like sometimes-

Lewis Howes 1:19:42 Sitting at a table like, "I'm the... Why should I be here?"

Speaker 1:19:44 Yeah, like, and, and there's part of it that's imposter syndrome, and that can have its own negativity, but part of that just lets me feel like a beginner again.

Lewis Howes 1:19:51 Yeah.

Speaker 1:19:52 And I appreciate that feeling, and I go, "This is amazing," because learning to be grateful- And stop just thinking that, "Oh, I earned all of this, and I did it all myself, and I'm self-made." You start recognizing gratitude for all the people that got-

Lewis Howes 1:20:07 Yeah

Speaker 1:20:07 ... you there. So for me and success, first thing is be grateful for all your teachers, mentors, guides, people that got you there. The second thing is always keep challenging yourself, because the more you're out of your comfort zone, the more naturally you stay humble. You don't stay humble by trying to be humble. You become humbled constantly-

Lewis Howes 1:20:23 Right

Speaker 1:20:24 ... by trying to do stuff that's out of your league, which constantly makes you prepare, work, deepen what you have.

Lewis Howes 1:20:30 Study, all that stuff.

Speaker 1:20:30 All of that stuff that makes you go there again. And, and the third thing you do with success is I think you try and share it with others.

Lewis Howes 1:20:36 Mm.

Speaker 1:20:37 You try and use your platform as an opportunity to give other people a platform-

Lewis Howes 1:20:41 Yeah

Speaker 1:20:41 ... so that they can come up as well, because you're reminded of what a beautiful gift you have.

Lewis Howes 1:20:47 Yeah, and how the people supported you or gave you an opportunity or gave you an interview or something-

Speaker 1:20:51 Yeah, there was so-

Lewis Howes 1:20:51 ... early on

Speaker 1:20:51 ... there was someone successful who had to give you something.

Lewis Howes 1:20:54 Yeah.

Speaker 1:20:54 In the case of-

Lewis Howes 1:20:54 A piece of in- a wisdom, a-

Speaker 1:20:56 Coming on your podcast

Lewis Howes 1:20:57 ... yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1:20:58 Uh, uh, yeah, giving you an insight.

Lewis Howes 1:20:59 A quote or whatever, yeah.

Speaker 1:21:00 Yeah, or even rejecting you. Like, what-

Lewis Howes 1:21:02 Yeah

Speaker 1:21:02 ... even indirectly, someone had to do something.

Lewis Howes 1:21:04 That's true. You know, it's funny because I love this approach to having humility when you succeed, and I also think... Let me know if you think I'm, you know, off here. I also feel like sometimes we get into a place where we're always putting it on other people. Like, you know, "It's not about me, it's about the team, it's about this." Like, and we- I see that a lot as well, where some people are more extreme, like, "I'm the man." And then other people are like, "You know what? It wasn't me at all. It was God. It was the team. Like, I just showed up," you know?

Speaker 1:21:32 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:21:33 So I think there's a balance of... I love the speech that Snoop Dogg gave.

Speaker 1:21:37 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:21:38 Where he's... I think it was, like, on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He's giving his-

Speaker 1:21:41 When he got his star

Lewis Howes 1:21:41 ... yeah, and he says, like, "I wanna thank me for me."

Speaker 1:21:44 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:21:45 "I wanna thank me for all those late nights I put in, for all the hard work, for, like, overcoming the reject..." Like, he went on this thing-

Speaker 1:21:51 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:21:51 ... "And I wanna thank me for, like, showing up."

Speaker 1:21:53 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:21:54 And I think we also should acknowledge ourselves for, yes, people helped us.

Speaker 1:21:58 For sure.

Lewis Howes 1:21:59 We got guidance. We had all this, this, this access. But Snoop Dogg still had to show up.

Speaker 1:22:05 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:22:05 He still had to put in the hours and the time-

Speaker 1:22:07 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:22:07 ... to make the results.

Speaker 1:22:08 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:22:08 And I think it's... Correct me if I'm wrong, is it, is it good to also acknowledge ourselves for the, the work we put in, the wins, the things we do?

Speaker 1:22:16 Yeah. For su-

Lewis Howes 1:22:17 Or is it, or is it all about being humble and acknowledging everything else?

Speaker 1:22:19 I think it's about being honest.

Lewis Howes 1:22:21 Yeah.

Speaker 1:22:21 It's honesty, right? Like, humility means to be honest. It's like the ability to say, "This is what this person deserves credit for, and this is what I deserve credit for-

Lewis Howes 1:22:30 Yeah, yeah, yeah

Speaker 1:22:30 ... and this is what this person..." It's like, it's kind of like when you write the, uh, acknowledgements of your book.

Lewis Howes 1:22:35 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:22:35 Right? You, you write-

Lewis Howes 1:22:36 Yeah, yeah

Speaker 1:22:36 ... I mean, you... And I, and I remember doing that process and really thinking about, like, who's helped this book in different ways? And everyone gets their line in the acknowledgement who's made a difference. Now, your name goes on the front cover because you wrote the book.

Lewis Howes 1:22:48 [laughs] Yeah.

Speaker 1:22:48 Like, you want everyone to receive the credit to the degree they merit it.

Lewis Howes 1:22:52 Yes.

Speaker 1:22:52 And so you never want someone to feel like they didn't receive as much credit as they deserve, and at the same time, you don't wanna give someone more credit than they deserve.

Lewis Howes 1:23:00 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:23:00 The point of credit is to give it where credit's due.

Lewis Howes 1:23:02 Right.

Speaker 1:23:03 And so for me, that's honesty. That's humility. Uh, arrogance and pride is when you start to feel like only you did it on your own, and we all know that's just not true. Like, I can't say I did it all on my own. I, I just... I can't, anyway. I definitely can't say that, and I can't say it was all other people. And so that is the... That's where honesty and humility-

Lewis Howes 1:23:25 Right

Speaker 1:23:25 ... I think, live together.

Lewis Howes 1:23:26 Yeah. Acknowledging everything about it.

Speaker 1:23:27 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:23:29 Yeah. I'm curious about, you know, a lot of people haven't learned about how to deal with failure or success, and I don't think people have been trained how to believe in themselves.

Speaker 1:23:38 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:23:38 And for me, self-doubt is a big thing. I think it keeps people back from their dreams. And I'm curious. I'm gonna share five, uh-

Speaker 1:23:45 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:23:45 ... words with you: beliefs, thoughts, words, actions, and intentions.

Speaker 1:23:50 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:23:51 How should we be thinking about beliefs, thoughts, words, actions, and intentions within our life? Because I think those five things dictate the results, the outcome, our feelings, all of this-

Speaker 1:24:03 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:24:03 ... in our life, based on beliefs, thoughts, words, actions, intentions. How should we be thinking about these things? How should we be speaking to help us build our self-confidence?

Speaker 1:24:14 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:24:15 What's your thoughts? I'm throwing a lot at you here-

Speaker 1:24:16 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:24:16 ... but-

Speaker 1:24:16 No, let's go down each of them.

Lewis Howes 1:24:18 Beliefs.

Speaker 1:24:18 So let's, so let's start with beliefs. So I think the first thing we have to do with beliefs is you have to realize everyone has them. It's not like you don't have beliefs just because you don't know what they are. Everyone has beliefs that they're currently living with, and I think life is about unlearning the beliefs you have and questioning the beliefs you have-

Lewis Howes 1:24:38 Mm

Speaker 1:24:38 ... and then creating new ones. So the first thing I do with beliefs-

Lewis Howes 1:24:41 Unlearning.

Speaker 1:24:42 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:24:42 From the beginning.

Speaker 1:24:43 From the beginning.

Lewis Howes 1:24:43 What if your parents had their answers and the way and the religion and this? Should we be questioning it all?

Speaker 1:24:48 I think we should question it, because questioning the w- Okay, questions are the most powerful invention-

Lewis Howes 1:24:56 Oh, yeah

Speaker 1:24:56 ... in the world. Because questions either strengthen or weaken a belief-

Lewis Howes 1:25:02 Oh

Speaker 1:25:02 ... based on the information. So questions aren't always from a place of doubt and cynicism and trying to find a weakness. Questions are a sincere request to figure out something. Like, when we're sitting in these interviews, you're not sitting there trying to, like, be cynical or be... You wanna help yourself and people who are listening-

Lewis Howes 1:25:21 Yes

Speaker 1:25:21 ... and watching. And so that's a question, first of all. A question is not to catch someone off guard. A question is not to put someone down. A question is not to mislead people. A question is to uplift yourself and others. And when you ask a question in that way, the answer can either strengthen a belief you already have or weaken it-

Lewis Howes 1:25:40 Mm-hmm

Speaker 1:25:40 ... or introduce you to a new one.

Lewis Howes 1:25:42 Why do we get so frustrated when our beliefs get questioned?

Speaker 1:25:50 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:25:50 When we have a belief that we put out in the world, or we question someone's belief, why do people, when they get shaken in their beliefs, they attack, they, they break down, they-

Speaker 1:26:00 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:26:00 ... whatever. Why, why is that? Why don't people just say, "Okay, that's interesting. Let me look at that more"?

Speaker 1:26:05 Yeah, because we've defined our identity by our beliefs. So imagine you're on one of these assault courses, and you're on this rope, and you're being told to swing to the next rope. But in order to catch the next rope, you need to let go of this rope. But you're scared because this rope is currently your safety. So your current belief is your safety, and when you have to consider holding on to another belief and to entertain both together, you're scared that if that one doesn't hold, I'm basically gonna fall. So people are scared that their belief is currently their safety net. And so even if it's wrong, it still makes them feel safe, and they feel comfortable, and we don't wanna feel uncomfortable, so we'd rather hold on to that safety net, right?

Lewis Howes 1:26:45 [sighs]

Speaker 1:26:46 So the only way to do it-

Lewis Howes 1:26:47 So how do we get comfortable with questioning our beliefs but not being, like, holding on to nothing?

Speaker 1:26:53 Well, realizing that you don't have to change your mind, or you don't have to leave what you think in order to entertain-

Lewis Howes 1:27:02 Yeah

Speaker 1:27:02 ... or be curious-

Lewis Howes 1:27:03 Explore

Speaker 1:27:03 ... about anything.

Lewis Howes 1:27:04 Yeah.

Speaker 1:27:04 And explore. Like, exploring, experimenting, and experiencing can either strengthen the belief you have or help you find a new one. But you have to do that middle three Es of expler-

Lewis Howes 1:27:15 Mm-hmm

Speaker 1:27:15 ... exploring, experimenting, and experiencing.

Lewis Howes 1:27:18 Yeah.

Speaker 1:27:18 And the problem is that we are just theoretically thinking. We're not experiencing the benefit.

Lewis Howes 1:27:23 And this is what I love about what you've done in your past. We've talked about this, how, you know, you grew up in a certain religion, and then you started studying different religions to see, okay, let me just try this on.

Speaker 1:27:32 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:27:32 And let me see what I like about this religion, and does that apply to, you know, can I let something go in what I grew up in?

Speaker 1:27:39 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:27:39 Not making anything right or wrong, but just saying what works for you.

Speaker 1:27:42 Correct.

Lewis Howes 1:27:43 Right?

Speaker 1:27:43 Yeah. And, and, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:27:44 And I think taking that experiential journey of asking questions from different beliefs allows you to just say, "Okay, yeah, this is working for me already. I don't need to change."

Speaker 1:27:54 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:27:54 And I like this, and I'm gonna keep growing.

Speaker 1:27:56 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:27:56 And go from there, right?

Speaker 1:27:57 Yeah, definitely. I, I desire for safety and security, so what you're speaking about was when I was around 16, maybe 15, I, we used to celebrate Christmas-

Lewis Howes 1:28:06 Yeah

Speaker 1:28:06 ... every year, and Christmas is probably my favorite time of year.

Lewis Howes 1:28:08 Yeah. [laughs]

Speaker 1:28:08 We were talking about it. Like, I love, uh, listening to Christmas songs, and I love Christmas decoration, and for me, Christmas is-

Lewis Howes 1:28:15 Presents

Speaker 1:28:15 ... is presents. And, and so I grew up in a culture where we celebrated Christmas, but Christmas was presents and a family dinner. And because I went to my school in England, we'd celebrate all the religious holidays. So we knew about all the, uh, main stories behind every major world religion. And so I remember celebrating Christmas at home but thinking, "I don't know that much about Jesus, and should I not be connecting with Jesus because that's why we even have this day?" And so I started going to church in my local area just out of curiosity. I wasn't trying to be a Christian or trying to be a Hindu or trying to be anything. I was just interested-

Lewis Howes 1:28:51 Yeah

Speaker 1:28:51 ... and curious to be like, "What is it about Christ that created a day that has lasted thousands of years-

Lewis Howes 1:28:58 Mm-hmm

Speaker 1:28:58 ... that people all over the world celebrate? There must be something here." And so I feel like we get so scared because we want clear designations. We want, like, a clear title of I am this or I am that, and that gives us a sense of safety and security. But really, answers come into curiosity, not in the security.

Lewis Howes 1:29:16 Yeah.

Speaker 1:29:17 Right?

Lewis Howes 1:29:17 What does that identity do to us in a good way or in a negative way?

Speaker 1:29:21 In a good way, it creates a... And this isn't just about religious identity, it's any identity.

Lewis Howes 1:29:25 Just any identity.

Speaker 1:29:25 I'm a podcaster-

Lewis Howes 1:29:26 A- any identity

Speaker 1:29:26 ... or whatever. Yeah, it's not about religious-

Lewis Howes 1:29:27 Holding on to this identity of yourself.

Speaker 1:29:29 Yeah. So in the good sense, it surrounds you with more people like that. So if I'm a podcaster, I hang out with more podcasters. We learn more about podcasting, and that's a great thing because we all become better podcasters. The mistake is I go, "Oh, I can only be a podcaster, but I can't write a book. I can't make a video. I can't do that now," and that's the mistake that it makes.

Lewis Howes 1:29:47 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:29:47 So it should be evolving. These titles that we give ourselves, these communities should help us evolve, not devolve-

Lewis Howes 1:29:54 Yeah

Speaker 1:29:54 ... and, and not stop us from expanding and growing.

Lewis Howes 1:29:57 Okay.

Speaker 1:29:58 And, and so you wanna be around people that are always curious and insightful.

Lewis Howes 1:30:01 What did you notice about the outside world maybe a year or two years into the flow of your learning-

Speaker 1:30:08 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:30:08 ... you know, about yourself and about the wisdom and the philosophy, uh, of being a monk? What did you start to notice the most, most common things of when you were just talking to people or just walking down the street and just being aware of what was happening?

Speaker 1:30:21 Absolutely. It's, it's f- it's actually, I've been quoting the Gita a lot, the Bhagavad Gita, but I'll quote a modern-day, I guess somewhat modern-day philosopher, because I think this encapsulated perfectly. He said that to, th- this is Cooley, a philosopher, writer. He said, "Today I'm not what I think I am. I'm not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am." Right? And I always feel that blows my mind every time I say it. "I'm not what I think I am. I'm not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am."

Lewis Howes 1:30:52 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:30:53 So we live in this perception of a perception of ourselves. So we've all seen the movie Inception.

Lewis Howes 1:30:58 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:30:59 Imagine you get lost so far into someone's perception, and that's your perception. So if I think Lewis thinks Jay's good, then I feel good. But if I think Lewis thinks Jay's not good, then I don't feel good. And we live like that today. If I think someone thinks I'm confident, I feel confident. But if someone thinks, if I think someone thinks I'm not confident, then I don't feel confident, and that's what I noticed when I lived as a monk, that people were so far removed from their own understanding of themselves that they were either lost living a life they didn't want to, lost living up to someone else's expectations, or lost becoming someone to impress someone else. And so people were so... Their, their real identity is almost buried under six feet of multiple identities they've created, and that's what I started to notice. We have a social media identity. We have a LinkedIn identity. We have a Twitter identity. We have a Facebook identity. Then we have an identity we are to our boss. Then we have an identity we are with our Friday night friends. Then we have an identity we are to our Sunday people, and we've just created all of these identities. And if you ask people, "Who are you?" we struggle to answer that question. And so as a monk, you're just taught to dig deeper beyond all those identities and kind of again bring out yourself rather than-

Lewis Howes 1:32:18 Mm

Speaker 1:32:18 ... define yourself. So that was what I noticed. I just started to notice that people had a big lack of self-actualization. They were very disconnected from what they wanted, needed, and understood about themselves, and most people's identities were crafted by the reflection in this mirror-

Lewis Howes 1:32:36 Mm-hmm

Speaker 1:32:37 ... of their mom-

Lewis Howes 1:32:37 Okay

Speaker 1:32:37 ... dad, friends, boss, partner, whatever it may be.

Lewis Howes 1:32:40 Right. How do we start to tap into self-realization better?

Speaker 1:32:45 Yeah, so-

Lewis Howes 1:32:46 How do we, how do we learn that about ourselves?

Speaker 1:32:47 So I think it starts even at a physical level. I'll give a basic example at a physical level. Anyone who's a physical fitness or a health coach will know that different bodies need different food, different sleep, different fluids.

Lewis Howes 1:33:01 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:33:01 We don't all need the same thing. Me and you with different body types can't do the same workout.

Lewis Howes 1:33:06 Right.

Speaker 1:33:06 Right? We can't. I would die-

Lewis Howes 1:33:07 [laughs]

Speaker 1:33:08 ... if I tried to lift what you lift. It just wouldn't work.

Lewis Howes 1:33:10 And I would die trying to sleep on the floor.

Speaker 1:33:12 Right. Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:33:13 [laughs]

Speaker 1:33:13 No, but exactly, right? And that, and that's the point-

Lewis Howes 1:33:15 Okay

Speaker 1:33:15 ... though our bodies have different tolerances-

Lewis Howes 1:33:17 Yeah

Speaker 1:33:17 ... in different things. That's self-awareness at the physical level already.

Lewis Howes 1:33:22 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:33:22 So now what I realize by living as a monk is I can't survive off of four hours sleep a night. Like, I re- I realized that about my body.

Lewis Howes 1:33:30 When you were a monk?

Speaker 1:33:31 Uh, kind of when I was leaving and, and when I kind of came back to my real bed, and I was just like, "Oh, I like this."

Lewis Howes 1:33:36 [laughs]

Speaker 1:33:36 "This is, you know, this is good."

Lewis Howes 1:33:37 Yeah.

Speaker 1:33:38 Right? And, and I kind of came to that realization that I'm not able to function as effectively as I want to. I could when I was a monk because we meditated so much.

Lewis Howes 1:33:47 That just got you to a higher vibration of like-

Speaker 1:33:49 Exactly, so now I meditate two hours a day. Then I used to meditate four, six hours a day, plus the collective, plus the environment. All of that helps. So now that I don't have that, I can't. But if I have that, I can.

Lewis Howes 1:34:00 Could have just slept those four hours and been better. [laughs]

Speaker 1:34:02 [laughs] Yeah, exactly. So, so the point I'm making is that's physical self-awareness.

Lewis Howes 1:34:08 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:34:08 We know our limits. We know what we can do. Know- we know what we can't do, and we know what are challenges. On a mental level, what's self-awareness? Knowing what type of people I like to be with, knowing who helps me grow and who drains me.

Lewis Howes 1:34:20 Yeah.

Speaker 1:34:20 That's mental self-awareness. So self-awareness at every level, and then we go into the spiritual consciousness level. That's disconnecting from all these identities and understanding the identity that we are wired for generosity, and we're wired to serve, and only in service can we be happy, and that's us on a consciousness level. That's the identity of consciousness. Like water is wet, the sun is heating and light, consciousness is service.

Lewis Howes 1:34:49 Mm.

Speaker 1:34:49 Like, that's how it fits.

Lewis Howes 1:34:50 Why are we wired for that?

Speaker 1:34:52 We're wired for that because all of us as consciousness have been designed, and we see it since, like, even kids. Like, I was, I was giving this example of this beautiful... And you may have seen it.

Lewis Howes 1:35:05 Mm.

Speaker 1:35:05 It, it, it went viral on Instagram. It was this little girl, probably about two years old, watching a cartoon, and she takes a handkerchief, and the cartoon character's crying. And she goes up to the television-

Lewis Howes 1:35:17 No

Speaker 1:35:17 ... and she tries to wipe it off, right? And it's, it's, it's incredible because this girl's two years old, and she thinks this cartoon character animal is crying, and she gets a real tissue and tries to wipe it on the TV. Obviously, it doesn't work. And there's another, another one that I saw with this statue of this rabbit, and there's like four rabbits, and one rabbit's, like, falling off the end.

Lewis Howes 1:35:38 Uh-huh.

Speaker 1:35:38 And this little boy is trying to push the rabbit up, but it's a stone rabbit. It's just a statue, but he's trying to help it back up. So we see, and there was a great article in Wired about this, about how we're wired for generosity. Our, our brain is happier in service. Why are we that way? I'm not fully sure, but what I do know from my experience as a monk, or what I can verify, is that we've been created to connect and serve. Right? We've been created to connect and serve.

Lewis Howes 1:36:07 But you don't know why.

Speaker 1:36:09 My, I, I can give you my opinion and the Vedic opinion. I, I can't tell you why for everyone.

Lewis Howes 1:36:14 Right, right.

Speaker 1:36:15 The, the reason is the, the, the main deep or the, the main Vedic reason is, is that we've been created that way because that's our nature, and that's what makes us most happy because this whole world is almost a school and education system to make us realize that one truth, to make us realize that one truth, and we see that when we're serving, when we're doing that, we feel genuine happiness. But when we're trying to gain and greed and power and strength, we, we even feel empty as it slips through our fingers. So the why is because that allows us to connect to our deepest self, the happiest self that we have, and modern studies have shown that. So Michael Norton at Cambridge University, he did a study where they gave people 5, 10, $20 to spend on themselves.

Lewis Howes 1:37:06 Mm.

Speaker 1:37:06 Have you seen this?

Lewis Howes 1:37:07 Go ahead, though. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:37:08 Yeah, and then they spent 5, 10, $20 on others. So people spent 5, 10, $20 on makeup, Starbucks, and normal stuff.

Lewis Howes 1:37:16 Mm-hmm. Right, right, right.

Speaker 1:37:16 That was the, that was the three common, three, makeup, Starbucks, and then something else. I can't remember. And then people who spent on other people, they also bought other, the same stuff. Starbucks was still in there.

Lewis Howes 1:37:25 Yeah. [laughs]

Speaker 1:37:26 And they're buying all this stuff. What they found is that when people self-assess their happiness before and after without knowing about this A/B test, people who spend the money on themselves didn't feel any happier or any less happier. But the people that spent on others felt 10 to 20% happier.

Lewis Howes 1:37:43 Mm.

Speaker 1:37:44 And then he went and tried this out. This was a college in, in the United States. They then went and did it in Africa. They did it all over the world, and the stats and the pattern showed the same.

Lewis Howes 1:37:52 Wow.

Speaker 1:37:53 That we're wired for generosity. We're wired to serve, to make us realize that that's our real nature. That's our greatest self-awareness.

Lewis Howes 1:38:00 Wow.

Speaker 1:38:01 Right? So that's, that's the Vedic opinion, and that's why I was, that's why you had to probe me to go to why it is. I know why it is, but-

Lewis Howes 1:38:06 Yeah, yeah

Speaker 1:38:07 ... but, but I, yeah, I wanna give people an answer that I feel they can connect with.

Lewis Howes 1:38:12 Mm.

Speaker 1:38:12 So, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:38:12 So what was one of the greatest lessons you learned in those three years, then?

Speaker 1:38:17 Do you want me to share the one I shared before or share another one? I've got an-

Lewis Howes 1:38:20 Share another one.

Speaker 1:38:20 Yeah, okay. I'll share another one.

Lewis Howes 1:38:21 Yeah.

Speaker 1:38:21 This is, this is probably my f- one of my favorite things, and it's because this was what I learned on my first day of monk school. So if you think about what you learned on the first day of school-

Lewis Howes 1:38:33 [laughs]

Speaker 1:38:33 ... when you were three or four, if you remember what it was, alphabet-

Lewis Howes 1:38:36 A, B, C, D, E.

Speaker 1:38:37 Yeah, exactly. Alphabet-

Lewis Howes 1:38:38 Yeah

Speaker 1:38:38 ... the numbers, right? One to, one to 10, A, B, C.

Lewis Howes 1:38:41 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:38:41 Right? The 26 letters of the alphabet. So I remember my first day of monk school, I've just shaved my head, I'm now wearing robes. I still look like I'm from London, like I can't get away with it. I'm walking around and I notice this monk who's teaching. This monk's 10 years old, and he's teaching a group of five-year-old monks, right? And I see him teaching. He looks like an adult, like-

Lewis Howes 1:39:01 Wow

Speaker 1:39:01 ... you know, his ability to, like, teach these five-year-olds and conduct himself, and he's got this great aura about him. And so I'm kind of eavesdropping on his class. I can't obviously go and sit with a bunch of five-year-olds even though I really want to because I'm like, I feel like a five-year-old next to that 10-year-old. And I, I went up to him and I said, "What are you doing?" And he said, "Oh, well, we just taught their first class ever." And I said, "Oh, cool." And he said, "Well, what did you learn in your first class at school?" And I said, "Oh, well, I learned the alphabet and numbers." And I said, "Well, what did they learn?" He said, "Do you wanna know what they learn on their first day of school?" I said, "Yeah, of course." He said, "The first thing that we teach them, the first thing you learn at monk school is learning how to breathe." I said, "Why?" He said, "Because we're taught that the only thing that stays with you from the moment you're born to the moment you die is your breath. All your friends, family, the country you live in, all of that's gonna change."

Lewis Howes 1:39:57 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:39:58 "The only thing that doesn't change, that stays with you from the moment you're born to the moment you die is your breath." And he said, "Notice when you get stressed, what changes? Your breath."

Lewis Howes 1:40:09 Right.

Speaker 1:40:09 "When you get angry, what changes? Your breath. When you're sad, what changes? Your breath. When you're happy, what changes? Your breath. Every emotion is experienced with a change of the breath." So he said, "When you learn how to navigate-

Lewis Howes 1:40:23 Mm

Speaker 1:40:23 ... and manage your breath, you can actually navigate any situation in life."

Lewis Howes 1:40:28 Mm.

Speaker 1:40:29 And I was just blown away. I was just like, "Wow." And then I remember researching it and noticing how athletes were taught how to breathe, musicians, singers, especially those who play wind instruments who have to reach really high notes, they're all trained how to breathe because they have to use their breath in challenging, stressful, pressure-filled-

Lewis Howes 1:40:48 Right

Speaker 1:40:48 ... situations.

Lewis Howes 1:40:49 Right.

Speaker 1:40:49 But I was like, "So are all of us."

Lewis Howes 1:40:51 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:40:51 You've gotta go on stage in front of 10,000 people. You've gotta go to a concert. You just lost a deal or a contract. Our breath changes in all those scenarios, yet we don't know how to use our breath to change our life.

Lewis Howes 1:41:04 Right.

Speaker 1:41:04 And so for me, that was a huge learning point where I just thought, "Wow, that's what you're taught." The priority is on the root of things, not the leaf or the symptoms.

Lewis Howes 1:41:15 Right.

Speaker 1:41:16 And that's the biggest thing about living as a monk. You're not dealing with your challenges at symptomatic level, you're dealing y- with it at root level, right? People say, "Oh, if you're stressed out, just take a stress pill. If you're stressed out, just go to get a massage. If you're stressed out, just, just relax, watch Netflix and chill." But all that's doing is pacifying you escape for that hour, two hours-

Lewis Howes 1:41:36 Right

Speaker 1:41:36 ... maybe a week. But going to the root of it and learning how to change your breath means you can manage any situation in life. And, and that principle, that's an example of the principle which is so much deeper, that always go to the root. It will take longer, but it will last longer.

Lewis Howes 1:41:54 Right. Right.

Speaker 1:41:55 Right?

Lewis Howes 1:41:55 Right.

Speaker 1:41:55 If you go to the root, it takes longer, but it lasts longer.

Lewis Howes 1:41:58 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:41:59 But if you go for the symptom, you get it quick, and it, and it-

Lewis Howes 1:42:02 It never lasts

Speaker 1:42:02 ... and it never lasts.

Lewis Howes 1:42:03 Yeah.

Speaker 1:42:03 And we all know that.

Lewis Howes 1:42:04 Yeah.

Speaker 1:42:04 So that, that was the deepest principle I learned as a monk.

Lewis Howes 1:42:06 Mm.

Speaker 1:42:06 You always go to the root. Cut down the root of that weed in your heart.

Lewis Howes 1:42:10 Mm.

Speaker 1:42:10 Cut down the root of that weed in your mind. Don't just let it grow and kind of water a little bit and snip, snip, cut a little bit. Like l- just really go to the root and just knock it out [laughs] you know?

Lewis Howes 1:42:19 Mm.

Speaker 1:42:19 Just get rid of it.

Lewis Howes 1:42:20 Yeah.

Speaker 1:42:20 Get a big ax and cut it down. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:42:21 Wow. Are there any weeds in your life right now?

Speaker 1:42:24 Loads, uh-

Lewis Howes 1:42:25 In your heart or in your mind?

Speaker 1:42:27 Always. My, my daily practice is to refine my intention. The, the biggest weeds that we all get is in our intention. So when I say intention, I mean my current intention is to use everything I've been given, everything that I have in the service of others. So I wanna use the following that I have to help people. I wanna use the money that I have to help people. I wanna use the network that I have to help people.

Lewis Howes 1:42:53 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:42:53 But every day, that intention, which is a beautiful little plant that's growing, gets weeds around it. "No, do it for the money."

Lewis Howes 1:43:01 [laughs]

Speaker 1:43:01 I hear that voice, right?

Lewis Howes 1:43:03 Uh-huh. Do it for the fame.

Speaker 1:43:04 Just do it for the fame.

Lewis Howes 1:43:04 [laughs]

Speaker 1:43:04 Do it for the followers. Do it for this. All these weeds are, like, going around my real-

Lewis Howes 1:43:09 Wow

Speaker 1:43:09 ... intention every day. Every day. That's a weed. A weed is the intention that you don't want. And the problem is sometimes you've let it grow so much the weed looks like the plant, right?

Lewis Howes 1:43:21 Right.

Speaker 1:43:21 The weed looks like your intention, and you start believing it's the same thing.

Lewis Howes 1:43:26 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:43:26 So for me, my daily practice is going back in, reflecting on what is my voice right now in my head, what am I saying to myself? And I'm hearing, "Make that deal, it makes a lot of money. Do this, do that, do this, more followers, fame," all that stuff, and I'm cutting it down. I'm cutting that weed every day. And you gotta do it every day because the more you're surrounded by that energy-

Lewis Howes 1:43:47 Right

Speaker 1:43:47 ... the more it's gonna keep creeping in like a creeper weed, right? Like, I'm just using the plant analogy because it-

Lewis Howes 1:43:52 [laughs]

Speaker 1:43:53 I don't garden at all, by the way.

Lewis Howes 1:43:54 Right, right, right.

Speaker 1:43:54 Like, I have no idea, but-

Lewis Howes 1:43:55 What's the intention you set every morning for yourself, then? If it's going back to the, the core of what you really wanna create, what is that thing you wanna create the most? Service?

Speaker 1:44:04 Yeah, service. To, to help people find their purpose, whatever that may be, and help them help other people find their purpose. I think Mark Zuckerberg said it brilliantly at Harvard. He was saying that finding your purpose isn't enough, you have to help other people find theirs. And I know you're passionate about this.

Lewis Howes 1:44:21 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:44:21 Whatever that definition is, but it has to lead everyone. So if I'm, whether I meet a celebrity, an entrepreneur, or whether I meet somebody starting out, I'm always asking them the question, how can you use what you have to make a difference in the life of other people?

Lewis Howes 1:44:33 Yeah.

Speaker 1:44:34 Because if you start there, everything else will work out. But if you're starting from the point of, "What am I gonna get?" Then you're always gonna feel disconnected.

Lewis Howes 1:44:42 Mm.

Speaker 1:44:42 And I see that. I see people who live like that and feel pain in their lives every day. I see that. It's not like some conceptual philosophy. We see it. I see people who are only in it for themselves, and they feel disconnected, dissatisfied every single day. And then you see the other extreme, where people are just trying to give too much, more than they even have themselves, and they also feel disconnected.

Lewis Howes 1:45:04 Wow.

Speaker 1:45:04 And again, so-

Lewis Howes 1:45:05 And they have nothing at all.

Speaker 1:45:05 And they have nothing at all, right? So we know, again, attachment and aversion, two sides of the same coin.

Lewis Howes 1:45:11 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:45:11 So we wanna be in that dynamic balance of growth, but always to give.

Lewis Howes 1:45:15 Yeah.

Speaker 1:45:15 So I always think, "How can I go three steps deeper so that I can move three steps forward, so I can give three times as much?" Right? It's al-

Lewis Howes 1:45:24 Mm

Speaker 1:45:24 ... that's always my mentality. How do I go deeper, to go more forward, to give more?

Lewis Howes 1:45:29 Yeah.

Speaker 1:45:29 And if I can get those three in action for that reason... See, it's all about the reasoning. You can do anything you like, but it's why are you doing it?

Lewis Howes 1:45:37 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1:45:37 We know that, right?

Lewis Howes 1:45:38 Yeah.

Speaker 1:45:38 So the reason why I start with identity is because I think that's the root of all our challenges, and the first step to thinking like a monk is starting at the root, not starting at the symptoms or the superficial or the surface level. But let's go to the root. If you're playing a role, if you're wearing a mask-

Lewis Howes 1:45:57 Mm-hmm

Speaker 1:45:57 ... if you're dressed in clothes that are not yours, then you end up living a life that's not yours.

Lewis Howes 1:46:04 Yeah.

Speaker 1:46:04 And in the book, I give this example of method acting.

Lewis Howes 1:46:07 Yes.

Speaker 1:46:08 So-

Lewis Howes 1:46:08 With Daniel Day-Lewis

Speaker 1:46:08 ... yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:46:09 Amazing.

Speaker 1:46:09 I'm, I'm a massive movie-

Lewis Howes 1:46:10 He's amazing

Speaker 1:46:11 ... junkie, and I love method actors. So people like Heath Ledger, of course, from The Dark Knight series.

Lewis Howes 1:46:16 Yes.

Speaker 1:46:16 You've got Jared Leto. So Jared Leto, when he played the Joker in, this is not in the book, in Suicide Squad.

Lewis Howes 1:46:23 Uh-huh.

Speaker 1:46:23 He used to send dead rats in the mail to his co-stars.

Lewis Howes 1:46:26 He did not.

Speaker 1:46:27 He did, because he was trying to get into the mindset of how someone that perverted would behave. And then Daniel Day-Lewis, when he was filming for Gangs of New York, he's actually wearing these coats that are centuries old so that he can get into character when he's off-camera.

Lewis Howes 1:46:42 Embody it, feel it.

Speaker 1:46:42 Yeah, when he can feel it, right?

Lewis Howes 1:46:43 Yeah.

Speaker 1:46:43 He's not wearing watches. He's not carrying around his mobile phone. They're speaking in the accents, and he talks about how he actually went crazy, because guess what? When you fake being someone for so long, you think it's your reality.

Lewis Howes 1:46:57 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:46:57 And that's what happens to all of us. We play a role at work, we play a role at home, we play a role with our family, play a role with our friends, and then we think that role is us.

Lewis Howes 1:47:04 Right.

Speaker 1:47:05 And we lose ourselves. And to me, that is the core reason why we're chasing things that are not important to us. We're n- unhappy despite reaching accolades, and we feel dissatisfied.

Lewis Howes 1:47:15 So what should our identity be, then?

Speaker 1:47:17 Our identity should start with unlearning everything that we think we know about ourselves.

Lewis Howes 1:47:23 Okay.

Speaker 1:47:24 And s-

Lewis Howes 1:47:24 How do we unlearn?

Speaker 1:47:25 So the best method of unlearning is this. First, and, and I'm gonna get really strategic and tactical-

Lewis Howes 1:47:29 Wow

Speaker 1:47:29 ... because I think that people need to know what to do rather than a concept. The first thing you do is write down everything you currently are chasing in your life. Make a long list.

Lewis Howes 1:47:37 Your goals, your dreams, your-

Speaker 1:47:38 Your goals, your dreams-

Lewis Howes 1:47:39 ... accomplishments

Speaker 1:47:39 ... anything that you're currently chasing and pursuing.

Lewis Howes 1:47:41 Okay.

Speaker 1:47:42 Write them down.

Lewis Howes 1:47:43 Yeah.

Speaker 1:47:43 You can write down three, you can write down five, you can write down 10, depending on how ambitious you are. Second line, ask yourself, what is the source of that? Where did you get that idea? Did you get that idea from a TV show you saw? Did you get that idea from your parents?

Lewis Howes 1:47:56 Yeah.

Speaker 1:47:56 Did you get that idea from your mom and your dad, your sister, your cousin? Did you get that idea because your friend just got proposed to on Instagram?

Lewis Howes 1:48:03 Mm.

Speaker 1:48:04 Did you get that idea because your friend just got promoted? Did you get that idea because you just broke up?

Lewis Howes 1:48:10 Right.

Speaker 1:48:10 Or did you get that idea because you just feel it when you do it-

Lewis Howes 1:48:13 Yeah

Speaker 1:48:13 ... that you feel alive?

Lewis Howes 1:48:14 So give me a-

Speaker 1:48:15 Ask yourself that

Lewis Howes 1:48:15 ... give me a specific example that you had when you were 15, 18, was like a goal or accomplishment that you were chasing, and where it came from.

Speaker 1:48:22 Absolutely. So my, my goal when I was young was to be an investment banker.

Lewis Howes 1:48:25 Uh-huh.

Speaker 1:48:26 And when I really asked myself, where did that come from? It came because in my community, small community in London, the most successful person financially was an investment banker.

Lewis Howes 1:48:35 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:48:35 So I believed you had to be an investment banker to be successful.

Lewis Howes 1:48:39 Right.

Speaker 1:48:39 So when I asked myself that question, where does that come from? It comes from society's version of success, not mine.

Lewis Howes 1:48:45 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:48:45 And then the third thing you ask yourself is-

Lewis Howes 1:48:48 Yeah

Speaker 1:48:48 ... well, then, what is mine? What is coming from inside of me? And if you just do that three-step process, now what you're doing is you're filtering out the noise, and you're starting to listen to your voice. The thing is, you've got a voice inside of you, but-

Lewis Howes 1:48:59 Yeah

Speaker 1:48:59 ... it's quiet. It's like, it's like, "Jay," like, "Take note of me." Like, "Lewis," like-

Lewis Howes 1:49:02 Right, right, right

Speaker 1:49:02 ... you know? And it's just, like, trying to get through, and the noise of everyone else's opinions is so loud.

Lewis Howes 1:49:08 How do we-

Speaker 1:49:08 So this way you filter it

Lewis Howes 1:49:09 ... how do we start to find out what we truly want, then? Not based on what other people think is success. How do we, how do we listen to ourselves? And if you've been chasing something your whole life, how do you say, "Well, actually, that's not what I want. This is"?

Speaker 1:49:23 Yeah, one of the biggest mistakes we make is that we confuse inexperience with being unqualified. So because we've not tried a lot of things, we just naturally believe that we can't be that good at them.

Lewis Howes 1:49:36 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:49:37 So if I've never spoken on a stage, I just think, "Oh, I'm probably not good at that." Or if I've never played golf, I probably think, "Oh, I'm probably not good at that." And so we start writing off things without even trying them. So the best method I can shade- share with someone is take the next month, take the next four weekends in the month, that gives you eight days, and get really tactical. Every single day-

Lewis Howes 1:49:59 That's why you're playing tennis a lot right now.

Speaker 1:50:01 Yeah, playing tennis. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:50:02 [laughs]

Speaker 1:50:02 Take the eight days. Go join a course, an online course, a workshop. Go and shadow a friend. Go to a seminar, a conference. Go to reading a book.

Lewis Howes 1:50:10 Yeah.

Speaker 1:50:10 Listen to a podcast. Go and expose yourself to eight different things in a month.

Lewis Howes 1:50:14 Eight different things.

Speaker 1:50:15 Eight different things in a month.

Lewis Howes 1:50:17 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:50:17 And guess what? In a month, you will have learned what you probably would have learned in eight years.

Lewis Howes 1:50:21 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:50:21 Because most of us test one new thing a year.

Lewis Howes 1:50:23 Maybe.

Speaker 1:50:23 Maybe. If that. Exactly, right?

Lewis Howes 1:50:25 Yeah.

Speaker 1:50:25 Like, some people don't even do that. But if you do eight different things in a month... And this is how you have to see it. If you went to eight different restaurants in a month, you ask yourself after you eat a meal, like, "I had that burrito," or, "I had that taco. Did I like it?" Right? The first question you ask yourself is, "Did I like it?"

Lewis Howes 1:50:39 You gotta, you gotta try it first.

Speaker 1:50:41 You gotta try it first.

Lewis Howes 1:50:41 Yeah.

Speaker 1:50:41 You gotta go to the restaurant.

Lewis Howes 1:50:42 Yeah.

Speaker 1:50:42 There's no point. So you gotta say, "Did I like it?" The second question you ask yourself is why did I or why did I not like it?

Lewis Howes 1:50:49 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:50:50 Like, why is so important, and I think too many people just go-

Lewis Howes 1:50:52 Yeah

Speaker 1:50:52 ... I like it or I don't like it. Why didn't I like it? And the third question you have to ask yourself, really, really simple, is do I wanna do it again?

Lewis Howes 1:50:58 Mm.

Speaker 1:50:59 And if you do, that's where you start uncovering. And so my point is inexperience, do not misinterpret inexperience for a lack of qualification.

Lewis Howes 1:51:08 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:51:08 I'm guessing you're doing things in your life right now that you would've written off if you didn't try. I know you've talked about-

Lewis Howes 1:51:14 Absolutely

Speaker 1:51:14 ... with writing a best-selling book.

Lewis Howes 1:51:15 Absolutely.

Speaker 1:51:15 You've talked about it with-

Lewis Howes 1:51:17 Speaking on stage

Speaker 1:51:17 ... this amazing documentary

Lewis Howes 1:51:18 ... launching your podcast, the documentary, all these things, yeah

Speaker 1:51:20 ... this... Yeah. I mean, I never believed I could do half the things I'm doing today, and you know that-

Lewis Howes 1:51:23 Yeah

Speaker 1:51:23 ... because we met when I was just creating content on social media.

Lewis Howes 1:51:26 Yeah.

Speaker 1:51:27 And it's like now when you see things expand, you're like, you don't know until you give it a go and ask yourself, "Do I enjoy it?"

Lewis Howes 1:51:32 Yes. So I grew up very competitive.

Speaker 1:51:36 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:51:36 And you talk about competition as one of these... I can't remember if it's, like, four or five different things, and competition is one of the things. It's actually, like, um, I wish I had the page written down here.

Speaker 1:51:46 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:51:46 But you, you talk about competition as, like, not the highest level of ourself.

Speaker 1:51:50 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:51:51 And my entire life, I was competitive, was driven to beat other people, and in the last seven years, I've shifted so much. I'm still competitive, still wanna win, but I'm not, like, hurt if I lose.

Speaker 1:52:06 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:52:06 I'm not upset. I'm not... It's not... It doesn't defeat me emotionally, whereas before, it used to be like this was my identity, winning. I had to win. Now it's like, okay, what did I learn? What did I gain from the experience? Did I have fun? Did I enjoy it?

Speaker 1:52:18 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:52:18 Did I inspire people even if I didn't win in this situation? In, in chapter two, you talk about negativity, and the quote you use is, is that, "It is impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others." Does competition and unhappiness link together in your mind? Like, if we need to be competitive to be happy in order if someone else loses, how do we, how do we manage ourself in this competitive world of winning in sports, of building a bigger business, of these different things, being number one on New York Time's best seller list? How do we manage that with this world we're in, but also wanting to be happy at the same time?

Speaker 1:53:00 Yeah, what a great question. So the way I see it is that competition in and of itself is not good or bad, and, and this is like the monk mindset on-

Lewis Howes 1:53:11 [laughs]

Speaker 1:53:11 ... on 99% of things, that this mug is not good or bad. It could be filled with water, or it could f- be filled with poison.

Lewis Howes 1:53:19 Yes.

Speaker 1:53:19 And so competition, I'll give you an example.

Lewis Howes 1:53:21 Yeah.

Speaker 1:53:21 As monks, our competition is in how much love and respect we showed to each other.

Lewis Howes 1:53:26 That's your competition?

Speaker 1:53:26 Like, that's what you compete on.

Lewis Howes 1:53:28 Or how, how long can we meditate for? [laughs]

Speaker 1:53:30 No, no, no. So, so that-

Lewis Howes 1:53:31 I can meditate longer than you.

Speaker 1:53:32 Yeah. So if any monk is s- and I did this plenty of times.

Lewis Howes 1:53:35 Really?

Speaker 1:53:35 If I sat there and I thought, "Oh, yeah, look at him. He's scratching his back. He got out..."

Lewis Howes 1:53:39 But he moves.

Speaker 1:53:40 Like, that, your meditation just got destroyed.

Lewis Howes 1:53:42 [laughs]

Speaker 1:53:42 All the value. And so monks will never ask how long you meditate. They focus on how deep you meditate, and someone who meditates deep-

Lewis Howes 1:53:49 Mm

Speaker 1:53:49 ... doesn't go on about how deep it was.

Lewis Howes 1:53:51 Right.

Speaker 1:53:51 But, but you compete for showing respect. You compete for serving each other. You compete for how well you can collaborate.

Lewis Howes 1:53:59 Mm.

Speaker 1:53:59 And I feel like you live this.

Lewis Howes 1:54:00 Yes.

Speaker 1:54:00 Like, I, I-

Lewis Howes 1:54:01 Yes, yes

Speaker 1:54:01 ... I feel like you have this in you.

Lewis Howes 1:54:02 No, I didn't used to do that-

Speaker 1:54:03 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:54:03 ... but the last seven years, of course

Speaker 1:54:04 ... but you do that now. Like, you think like a monk. Like, I feel like we're always trying to find a way where we can be better friends to each other-

Lewis Howes 1:54:09 Support each other

Speaker 1:54:09 ... and support each other.

Lewis Howes 1:54:10 Yeah.

Speaker 1:54:10 And so you're competing on that, and, and that's a positive competition that I think you can have. So you can still use... And this is the beautiful thing about the monk mindset. You can use any-

Lewis Howes 1:54:20 Yeah

Speaker 1:54:21 ... thing in a positive way. Now, in your second question about-

Lewis Howes 1:54:25 Uh-huh

Speaker 1:54:25 ... what does it mean about business and New York Times best seller list-

Lewis Howes 1:54:27 Uh-huh

Speaker 1:54:27 ... and being number one, this is how I see it. If while you're writing your book, if while you're recording your podcast, if you're sitting there going, "I hope this is gonna be number one. This better be number one."

Lewis Howes 1:54:39 I hope I sell more copies than this person.

Speaker 1:54:40 I hope I sell more copies than this person who's launching at the same time, because that's the only way. Well, guess what? Now the quality of your output right now has just dropped.

Lewis Howes 1:54:49 Mm.

Speaker 1:54:49 Because guess what? You're now living 75% in the future, and you're 25% right now, and guess what? This 25% is gonna define that future goal and result.

Lewis Howes 1:54:57 Mm-hmm, and your happiness-

Speaker 1:54:58 And your happiness

Lewis Howes 1:54:59 ... whether you get the result or not.

Speaker 1:55:00 Totally, whereas for me, when I was writing my book, and of course I want my book to be a best-selling book. Of course I want my podcast to do well. Of course. We don't do anything for it to be last.

Lewis Howes 1:55:09 Yeah.

Speaker 1:55:09 Like, no one does that. But what I do know is that when I'm creating, when I'm producing, when I'm writing, that's all I'm doing. See, the truth is that only 2% of the world's population can multitask. Now, the crazy thing is when-

Lewis Howes 1:55:22 Who are those 2%?

Speaker 1:55:23 When 2%... When, when people hear that, they think I'm in that... Oh, I'm in that 2%.

Lewis Howes 1:55:26 [laughs]

Speaker 1:55:26 Like, everyone thinks that, that they're in that. But most of us are the 98%.

Lewis Howes 1:55:30 Yeah.

Speaker 1:55:30 And the truth is there is no such thing as multitasking. What it is is fast switching between two tasks.

Lewis Howes 1:55:35 Yes.

Speaker 1:55:35 So the quality's just dropping.

Lewis Howes 1:55:37 'Cause you can actually... You cannot do two things at one time.

Speaker 1:55:39 You cannot. No one genuinely can do two things at once.

Lewis Howes 1:55:42 I guess you could maybe, like, pat your head and do this at the same time. [laughs]

Speaker 1:55:45 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:55:45 But-

Speaker 1:55:45 But, but-

Lewis Howes 1:55:46 You can't do something productive at the same time, right?

Speaker 1:55:48 Or creative.

Lewis Howes 1:55:49 Yeah.

Speaker 1:55:49 And so what I'm saying is that when you're sitting here going, "This needs to be number one," you are reducing that thing's ability to be number one, because it now-

Lewis Howes 1:55:58 Yeah

Speaker 1:55:58 ... doesn't have your full focus.

Lewis Howes 1:56:00 Right.

Speaker 1:56:01 So, so that's the difference-maker, that you can want to be number one. There's nothing wrong with that. But you can't keep comparing what number one is to someone else's goal, too, because everyone's got a different trajectory. Like, there are some people that are gonna come in and do really well at one thing, and you're gonna do really well at another, and that's why competition has to first be in your space.

Lewis Howes 1:56:19 Mm.

Speaker 1:56:20 Like, don't compete in a space that's not yours-

Lewis Howes 1:56:23 Right

Speaker 1:56:23 ... because now you're just trying to be someone else again, and you get lost to-

Lewis Howes 1:56:26 And do identity

Speaker 1:56:27 ... identity.

Lewis Howes 1:56:27 And do identity.

Speaker 1:56:28 Exactly. Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:56:28 You talk about the four motivations.

Speaker 1:56:30 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:56:30 One is fear, desire, duty, and love.

Speaker 1:56:34 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:56:34 And as I was reading this, you know, fear is kinda like the making sure you have your basic needs met, right?

Speaker 1:56:40 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:56:40 It's like, do I have shelter? Do I have food? Am I protected? Am I safe? You know, living in fear, it's being driven to get out of that fear, I guess-

Speaker 1:56:48 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:56:48 ... right, or driven, or driven by that. Then you have desire, which is probably what was most of my life, was my, one of my main motivation, which was desire. Seeking personal gratifications through success, wealth, and pleasure. That's probably most of, like- I don't know, any teenage boy-

Speaker 1:57:04 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:57:04 ... you know, who's just, like, watching the media and seeing what their friends do, they're driven by desire.

Speaker 1:57:09 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:57:10 Girls, money, cool toys, results-

Speaker 1:57:14 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:57:14 ... success. I don't wanna generalize it, but that's what I saw a lot growing up, right?

Speaker 1:57:18 Sure, me too.

Lewis Howes 1:57:20 Now, the, the, the last two, the third and fourth, are duty and love. Duty is motivated by gratitude, responsibility, and the desire to do the right thing, and love is compelled by care for others and the urge to help them. And I feel like in the last seven years it's been more duty and love. It's more, like, mission-focused, and there's an amount of happiness that I've never felt before until I reached practicing duty and love. And I remember I never was able to fall asleep at night until about seven, eight years ago, without an hour, hour and a half of just anxious, anxiety, stress, concern, worry. And when it shifted from seeking personal gratifications to being motivated by a mission and love and gratitude, it's like I started to fall asleep within minutes, and it's crazy. But why do we live in this fear motivation and desire motivation when it only causes us a lot of pain?

Speaker 1:58:19 Great question, man, and thanks for sharing your journey too-

Lewis Howes 1:58:21 Of course

Speaker 1:58:22 ... 'cause, I mean, everyone, as you can see, Lewis is already thinking like a monk, so [laughs] it's great.

Lewis Howes 1:58:25 Exactly.

Speaker 1:58:25 I love it. But it's... So yeah, great question. The challenge is that we think things come with emotions.

Lewis Howes 1:58:36 Feelings.

Speaker 1:58:37 We think things come with feelings and emotions, and guess what? They don't. So if you chase money-

Lewis Howes 1:58:42 Well, they might for a moment, right? Or they won't

Speaker 1:58:44 ... I don't think they even do-

Lewis Howes 1:58:46 It's a false sense of feeling

Speaker 1:58:47 ... it's such a false sense of feeling. I don't-

Lewis Howes 1:58:49 Uh-huh.

Speaker 1:58:49 Maybe for a moment, but it's so short-lived that it's, it's not even worth counting almost.

Lewis Howes 1:58:54 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:58:54 So it's like when you, when you think that, "I'm chasing money," guess what? You will get money.

Lewis Howes 1:58:59 Yep.

Speaker 1:58:59 And that's great. Money's really important, and money's a really important resource, but guess what? Money's not now gonna fill that gap, that void, that feeling, that emotion that you're missing in your life. And so-

Lewis Howes 1:59:10 What are most people missing?

Speaker 1:59:11 We're missing a deep sense of love. I think, I think the biggest need in the world, as we've heard many times before from all the ancient texts, they, they s- they summarize it like this: To love and be loved. Like, that is the need of humanity, to love and be loved, and when we don't experience that, we then start looking for status. We then start looking for money. Then we then start looking for recognition.

Lewis Howes 1:59:34 To s- to help us give the feeling of false sense of love.

Speaker 1:59:36 Correct, and the challenge is because most of us didn't experience that from our parents... And this is the key thing. What we crave in life is what we did or didn't get from our parents.

Lewis Howes 1:59:48 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:59:49 What our parents did give us is what we continue to crave, or what they didn't give us is what we continue to crave.

Lewis Howes 1:59:55 Mm.

Speaker 1:59:55 So you'll find that most people's love languages that they chase are things that their parents didn't give them. So if their parents didn't give them time, they now crave everyone's time. If their parents didn't give them-

Lewis Howes 2:00:06 Gifts

Speaker 2:00:06 ... gifts, they crave gifts. If their parents didn't give them acts of service, they, they're craving those acts of service. So it's because of our childhood, and if we don't learn to process all of that experience-

Lewis Howes 2:00:18 Mm

Speaker 2:00:18 ... which most people never get the time to do, and I, and I empathize with that because I've had to go through that. I've seen me repeating my parents' patterns.

Lewis Howes 2:00:25 Mm.

Speaker 2:00:26 I've seen the-

Lewis Howes 2:00:26 What was the thing you were craving?

Speaker 2:00:28 So I would crave... A big thing for me was I would crave surprises and gifts because-

Lewis Howes 2:00:33 That's your thing, yeah

Speaker 2:00:33 ... yeah, that's my thing.

Lewis Howes 2:00:34 Still is your thing.

Speaker 2:00:35 It's still my thing.

Lewis Howes 2:00:36 Yeah.

Speaker 2:00:36 And, and I-

Lewis Howes 2:00:37 Did your parents not do that for you?

Speaker 2:00:38 No, they did a l- my mom did a lot of it. S-

Lewis Howes 2:00:40 That's why you still crave it

Speaker 2:00:41 ... correct.

Lewis Howes 2:00:41 Oh.

Speaker 2:00:41 So my mom would always, every year on my birthday, she'd always surprise me with the one thing I wanted, and I wasn't spoiled growing up.

Lewis Howes 2:00:49 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:00:49 I didn't have a lot growing up, but she would get that one thing, whether it was, like, a Power Rangers toy-

Lewis Howes 2:00:53 Right

Speaker 2:00:53 ... or whether it was... Whatever it was, you know? Something, you know-

Lewis Howes 2:00:55 Video game or something

Speaker 2:00:56 ... yeah, thing is you want as a kid, right? And she would always surprise me with that, and that became so deep-rooted. Now, I'll give you an example. When I then married my wife, you just expect people to know that.

Lewis Howes 2:01:06 That they're gonna do the same thing.

Speaker 2:01:08 Totally. And so now you-

Lewis Howes 2:01:09 She didn't do that?

Speaker 2:01:10 No, because I'm expecting my wife to be like my mom in the sense of I expected a surprise or show me love in the same way.

Lewis Howes 2:01:17 Uh-huh.

Speaker 2:01:18 And she doesn't know that. She's not a mind reader. I can't explain, expect her to know that, so it took communication.

Lewis Howes 2:01:23 Yeah.

Speaker 2:01:23 It took time for me to explain that. So anyway, that, I think that's where it stems from. That desire, it doesn't come from any... You can say it comes from society and education. Of course it does, but I think the deepest place it comes is what your parents did or didn't give you.

Lewis Howes 2:01:35 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:01:36 That's, that's where it comes from.

Lewis Howes 2:01:37 Yeah, yeah. Thoughts are something, what do we have? 60 to 80,000 thoughts a day. Mo- 80% are negative.

Speaker 2:01:41 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:01:41 And most of them are, are repeating thoughts.

Speaker 2:01:43 Yes.

Lewis Howes 2:01:44 So let's talk about thoughts.

Speaker 2:01:46 Yeah. My favorite technique that I talk about in the book is called spot, stop, swap.

Lewis Howes 2:01:50 Yep.

Speaker 2:01:50 And so that theme is all around how thoughts are meant to be spotted, stop and reflect, and then swap, and what I mean by that is if you've got a thought that's repeating, like you said, and is negative, I'm guessing you don't want that thought around for too long.

Lewis Howes 2:02:07 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:02:07 So you want to spot, when does that thought arrive? Does it arise when I'm with certain people? Does it arise when I'm on a s- particular social media platform? Does it arise when I go to a particular place? Where is that n- what is the seed of that thought?

Lewis Howes 2:02:23 Yeah.

Speaker 2:02:23 Right? So once I i- identified that, I now need to stop, spend some time in stillness, and go, "Is this thought benefiting me? Is this thought useful to me? Is this thought actually leading me to who I wanna become?" And if it's not, I need to swap it with a thought. So one of my favorite ways of... Let's take an example of, like, I feel less than.

Lewis Howes 2:02:42 Mm.

Speaker 2:02:42 I feel, uh, like I'm not achieving anything.

Lewis Howes 2:02:45 I'm no good.

Speaker 2:02:45 I'm no good.

Lewis Howes 2:02:46 Yeah.

Speaker 2:02:46 I'm not good enough. So you spot that, and you go, "Oh, I always feel that when I'm going through this particular Instagram profile because I'm looking at someone who I think is better than me." Okay, what do I swap that with? You don't swap that with you're beautiful, you're amazing, you're incredible because you may not believe that yet.

Lewis Howes 2:03:00 Yeah.

Speaker 2:03:00 But you stop it w- you s- you swap it with, "I feel confident when..." I feel attractive when... I feel happy and joyful when... And you figure out what is that thing that I need to be and do to feel that emotion.

Lewis Howes 2:03:14 Yeah.

Speaker 2:03:15 Because you-

Lewis Howes 2:03:15 So don't, don't lie to yourself.

Speaker 2:03:16 Don't lie to yourself-

Lewis Howes 2:03:17 Yeah

Speaker 2:03:17 ... because lying to yourself is not gonna get you far.

Lewis Howes 2:03:19 And you're losing your integrity as well to yourself-

Speaker 2:03:22 Totally

Lewis Howes 2:03:22 ... which makes you less confident.

Speaker 2:03:24 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:03:24 Overall.

Speaker 2:03:24 Like, I feel healthy when I exercise.

Lewis Howes 2:03:27 Yeah.

Speaker 2:03:27 I feel happy when I spend time with my wife.

Lewis Howes 2:03:29 Yeah, and there's a, there's a line that everyone uses, "Fake it till you make it."

Speaker 2:03:32 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:03:32 But it's really, you should be facing it till you make it. Like, face that fear, face that doubt, and say, "Okay, what can I do to improve this until I make myself feel better about it?"

Speaker 2:03:42 If you wanna get a real result for the long term, yes.

Lewis Howes 2:03:44 Yes.

Speaker 2:03:45 Like, if you just wanna make yourself feel better instantly, then do what you need to do.

Lewis Howes 2:03:49 Yeah.

Speaker 2:03:49 But if you really want to create a life that's-

Lewis Howes 2:03:51 I love that

Speaker 2:03:52 ... fulfilling-

Lewis Howes 2:03:52 Yeah

Speaker 2:03:52 ... that's thoughts.

Lewis Howes 2:03:53 Thoughts are, can transform your life in, in a positive way or a negative way. And-

Speaker 2:03:58 Completely

Lewis Howes 2:03:59 ... I feel like that's the foundation of our life, is what we think.

Speaker 2:04:01 The best place to talk about that, though, with thoughts, is the movie Inception.

Lewis Howes 2:04:05 Mm.

Speaker 2:04:05 So you look at how a thought is planted into someone's mind, and how in that movie, Leonardo DiCaprio, in his wife's mind, plants a thought that this is not real. And that thought grows into a belief-

Lewis Howes 2:04:21 A belief that is so strong. It's crazy

Speaker 2:04:23 ... right?

Lewis Howes 2:04:24 Yeah.

Speaker 2:04:24 And it's like that is literally what a thought can do, and you see that in the Joker movie. So I, I did a whole episode last year which was all about, like, mental health and the Joker, and you look at the Joker's story is he's trying to bring joy to others, but everyone treats him badly. And so the thought sets in of I'm not worthy, I'm not valuable. My father doesn't want me. No one thinks I'm funny. Everyone, uh, makes fun of me.

Lewis Howes 2:04:49 Yeah.

Speaker 2:04:49 Even when I go on TV, everyone's laughing at me. That idea becomes his reality. Now, I get that that's a fiction movie, but the point is still that we see even in today's world that thoughts have the ability to become, I, I forget the word that Leonardo DiCaprio uses in the movie, but that thought-

Lewis Howes 2:05:05 Yeah, cancer or something like that

Speaker 2:05:06 ... yeah, it's like a cancer in the mind, right? It like really just expands, and so I think we have to be so good at spotting-

Lewis Howes 2:05:12 Mm-hmm

Speaker 2:05:12 ... stopping, and swapping thoughts-

Lewis Howes 2:05:14 I love that

Speaker 2:05:14 ... in the middle.

Lewis Howes 2:05:14 Okay. So beliefs, we wanna ask about everything and, and question everything.

Speaker 2:05:18 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:05:19 Uh, spot, stop, swap thoughts. What about words?

Speaker 2:05:29 Is all about.

Lewis Howes 2:05:29 Mm.

Speaker 2:05:30 So-

Lewis Howes 2:05:30 What is this?

Speaker 2:05:31 So it's called the... It's called Harvard List of Emotions, but I, I kind of changed the name to Emotional Vocabulary because I think it sounds better.

Lewis Howes 2:05:38 Okay.

Speaker 2:05:41 Uh, I think it sounds better.

Lewis Howes 2:05:41 Okay.

Speaker 2:05:48 Uh. Good.

Lewis Howes 2:05:48 [laughs]

Speaker 2:05:49 Bad.

Lewis Howes 2:05:50 Yeah.

Speaker 2:05:50 Okay. Fine. Hmm. So it's like, "How's your week going?" "Good." "How's your day been?" "Bad." "How are you feeling?"

Lewis Howes 2:05:57 Okay.

Speaker 2:05:57 Okay. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:05:58 [laughs]

Speaker 2:05:58 Like, literally, like, we, we use such limited w- we, we use such limited w- emotional vocabulary.

Lewis Howes 2:06:10 Mm.

Speaker 2:06:11 So this table that Harvard has made, which anyone can find just by typing in Harvard List of Emotions on Google, what that does is that it shows you that when you say you're sad, what do you actually mean? So it gives you all this list of emotions that sit under the word sad. Are you irritated?

Lewis Howes 2:06:27 Mm.

Speaker 2:06:27 Are you offended? Are you disappointed? Have you been let down? The more you expand your emotional vocabulary, the more you can diagnose how you feel-

Lewis Howes 2:06:36 Interesting

Speaker 2:06:37 ... and the more you can tell your partner or your friend-

Lewis Howes 2:06:39 "This is how I'm feeling." [laughs]

Speaker 2:06:40 ... "This is how I'm actually feeling."

Lewis Howes 2:06:42 Huh.

Speaker 2:06:42 And, and this is one of the biggest mistakes with words, is that we think our words mean the same thing. Now, when you say love, you might think forever, and when I say love, I might think for tonight.

Lewis Howes 2:06:54 [laughs]

Speaker 2:06:55 Right?

Lewis Howes 2:06:55 Yeah.

Speaker 2:06:55 And, and that is literally how the word love or care or marriage or forever gets misused, abused, and thrown about, because we both mean different things, and our meanings are based on our backgrounds and-

Lewis Howes 2:07:12 Our beliefs

Speaker 2:07:13 ... our beliefs.

Lewis Howes 2:07:14 Yeah.

Speaker 2:07:14 But how we were born-

Lewis Howes 2:07:15 Yeah

Speaker 2:07:15 ... and how our parents treated us.

Lewis Howes 2:07:16 Our str- our culture, our experience.

Speaker 2:07:17 Everything. Yeah. It, it forms our meaning. So I really believe that in a relationship, in our communication with words, define words.

Lewis Howes 2:07:25 Mm.

Speaker 2:07:25 When you say, yeah, we're best friends or friends, what does that mean to you? When we're business partners, what does that mean to you? A contract, in a financial, legal sense, is to define the terms.

Lewis Howes 2:07:36 Right.

Speaker 2:07:37 But in our emotional sense, we also need to define the terms, and we don't do that emotionally enough, and that's why we feel emotionally like someone broke the contract.

Lewis Howes 2:07:46 Mm.

Speaker 2:07:46 And you have nothing to hold them to because you never made a contract.

Lewis Howes 2:07:49 You never commu- you never communicated-

Speaker 2:07:51 You never communicated it

Lewis Howes 2:07:51 ... the meaning of these words.

Speaker 2:07:53 Exactly, and that's why words are so powerful, but they're only powerful when we agree on the definition.

Lewis Howes 2:07:59 Yeah. What are the words we should eliminate from our vocabulary, and what are the words we should be adding or using more of?

Speaker 2:08:05 Words that we should use more of in our life are words that give us the right feeling we want to feel. So I'll give you an example. Instead of saying... Now, I work super hard. I do get tired, and I do get exhausted sometimes. Uh, I'm very aware of it, and I'm cautious of it, and I realize that for a long time I just kept repeating, "I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted." And I'd say it to my wife, I'd say it to my team.

Lewis Howes 2:08:36 I'm overwhelmed.

Speaker 2:08:37 I'm overwhelmed.

Lewis Howes 2:08:37 I'm stressed.

Speaker 2:08:38 Yeah. And I, and I still do it sometimes, so it's not that I'm perfect, but you're making me aware of it. And I say that, and I started to realize that, okay, it didn't make me feel better by saying it. And actually, what I was trying to do was get validation from someone else to be like, "I know how hard you work, and you're amazing, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

Lewis Howes 2:08:53 [laughs]

Speaker 2:08:53 And so, you know, you, you're really doing it for a reaction.

Lewis Howes 2:08:56 Yes.

Speaker 2:08:56 And then I started to realize, well, I am tired, but why don't I just say, "I'm gonna make some time to nap today."

Lewis Howes 2:09:02 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:09:03 Uh, I need to, I need to find some time today to rest. I need to make sure that I, uh, you know, get some time to myself today. Like, when you flip it, not by just saying, "Oh, I feel amazing," because I don't feel amazing.

Lewis Howes 2:09:15 Right.

Speaker 2:09:15 Again, you don't want to lie to yourself, but you're trying to create words that help you actually get what you need. So me saying I'm tired, really what I need to be saying is, "I need to get some more rest today."

Lewis Howes 2:09:27 Yeah.

Speaker 2:09:27 "I better sleep early."

Lewis Howes 2:09:28 Yeah.

Speaker 2:09:28 And when you go, oh, you know, uh, to Rali, "Rali, you know what? I think I'm gonna sleep early tonight," that's, that's perfect, 'cause now I'll sleep early and I'll get the rest, and I won't be tired.

Lewis Howes 2:09:37 Yes.

Speaker 2:09:37 If I go, "Hey, Rali, I'm so tired," it just creates this negative pattern of complaining and whining and, and creating that in ourselves.

Lewis Howes 2:09:43 What, what's the difference between a positive mantra and fake positive thinking?

Speaker 2:09:49 Yes.

Lewis Howes 2:09:49 'Cause there's, you know, the power of positive thinking, but if it's not accurate to where you're currently at, it could be out of integrity with yourself, and you could feel off.

Speaker 2:09:57 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:09:58 So how do we have a positive mantra, or a saying, or thoughts or words that support our growth, as opposed to, "I'm fine," when you're not fine?

Speaker 2:10:06 Yeah, and that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid.

Lewis Howes 2:10:08 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:10:09 Because when I'm tired, if I was told to just say to yourself, "I'm, I'm healthy, I'm excited, I'm energetic," I may survive for 30 minutes more, but that's not gonna survive for 30 days-

Lewis Howes 2:10:19 No

Speaker 2:10:19 ... or three years. And so for me, I find connecting positive mantras to a act or an action. For example, if I'm tired, and me saying, "I think I need to eat on time," that action is what's gonna solve the fatigue long term. Or me saying, "I need to sleep early tonight," that action's gonna solve the fatigue long term.

Lewis Howes 2:10:38 Yes.

Speaker 2:10:38 So to me, the positive mantra needs to be linked to an action and a habit that's actually going to relieve you in the long term of that pain point.

Lewis Howes 2:10:46 Mm.

Speaker 2:10:46 Right?

Lewis Howes 2:10:47 Yeah.

Speaker 2:10:47 Or like, I need to get my schedule to be more organized on Monday mornings. And, and my favorite example with that, again, I don't know if... Yeah, this, with the words is the definition that I think we see this most prominently in, in is the definition of time.

Lewis Howes 2:11:02 Mm.

Speaker 2:11:03 So, so many friends will come to me and say, "My partner doesn't spend enough time."

Lewis Howes 2:11:07 Time. Or, "I don't have enough time."

Speaker 2:11:10 Time. And what they're really saying is, from a partner point of view is, "I really want energy, intimacy, and presence, and attention."

Lewis Howes 2:11:20 It's attention.

Speaker 2:11:20 You're not asking for time, you're asking for attention.

Lewis Howes 2:11:23 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:11:23 And I've had friends who have gone on weekends away with their partners, and they'll come back, and their partner on Monday morning will say, "I wish we had more time together." And the partner's thinking, "Well, but we just spent the whole weekend together." But they're like, "No, because you were doing your work and by the beach, and you were reading your book, and I was trying to take care of the kids." And you realize it was never time. It was attention, it was intimacy, it was presence. And so if we don't define those words, all right, words are all about definitions.

Lewis Howes 2:11:50 Mm.

Speaker 2:11:51 If you don't define them, people will break that contract and that emotional contract, and you have nothing to hold them to.

Lewis Howes 2:11:56 Well, you didn't have the r- you guys weren't aligned to your contract.

Speaker 2:11:59 No, not at all.

Lewis Howes 2:11:59 It wasn't, you just had-

Speaker 2:12:00 There was no

Lewis Howes 2:12:00 ... your belief that like, oh, she understands me, he understands me. Like, this is the way it is in my life, and it must be the same way in their life.

Speaker 2:12:07 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 2:12:08 What are the actions we should be adding more of in our life-

Speaker 2:12:11 Mm

Lewis Howes 2:12:11 ... and the ones we should be eliminating?

Speaker 2:12:13 I think actions that we should be adding more of in our life are actions that create positive habits. I think it has to be-

Lewis Howes 2:12:20 Mm-hmm

Speaker 2:12:20 ... habits orientated. It has to be stuff that we can repeat. And, and in Think Like a Monk, I talk about the four key habits in your day, which are thankfulness, inspiration, meditation, and exercise, which is the acronym of TIME. So make more time in your day for thankfulness, inspiration, meditation, and exercise. Those are four actions that I think if everyone was to take in their day, this is what happens. When you're thankful, you boost your immunity, you boost your self-confidence, you boost your mood.

Lewis Howes 2:12:52 Yeah.

Speaker 2:12:52 Because you go, "Oh, people love me. That means I matter. People care about me. That means I have something to care about." So it boosts your mood. And then when you tell people that you're thankful, you now boost connection and relationship. And when you thank someone, you now boost the feeling of, I have people in my life that care about me, and I care about them. So much comes out of that one action. Inspiration or insight, listening to a podcast, reading a book, reading a quote. When you do that, again, you feel excited.

Lewis Howes 2:13:19 Mm-hmm, yeah.

Speaker 2:13:19 You feel enthused. You feel like you're learning. You feel like your mind actually works, and that it can go somewhere. So that's a great action. Meditation, of course, we've talked about at length in the beginning. And exercise, people just don't understand that we could solve so many of our challenges simply by sleep and exercise and diet. Like, those three things-

Lewis Howes 2:13:40 Change your life

Speaker 2:13:40 ... could change your life. And, and we have to just get focused on one at a time.

Lewis Howes 2:13:44 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:13:45 And so we're inactions, I, I talk about this thing in principle is, we want things to be small steps, but big priorities.

Lewis Howes 2:13:52 Mm.

Speaker 2:13:52 So if you wanna change an action in your life, it needs to be a big priority, and then you need to break it down into small steps. What we try and do is we try and change everything at the same time.

Lewis Howes 2:14:01 Yeah, we're like, "Okay, I'm gonna only eat lettuce. I'm gonna work out three hours a day. I'm gonna sleep 10 hours. I'm gonna be..." It's like you need to shift your identity around, like, the thing, b- and take the small steps towards it, but don't try to do everything right away.

Speaker 2:14:17 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:14:17 Like, if you wanna be healthy and in shape, then you just need to change your identity to say, "I am Mr. Fitness."

Speaker 2:14:23 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:14:23 Right? I am fitness.

Speaker 2:14:24 Yes.

Lewis Howes 2:14:25 And I'm gonna start living my habits and my actions towards being in fitness, in, in good health.

Speaker 2:14:31 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:14:31 But you can't cut, you can't change every habit right away.

Speaker 2:14:35 No.

Lewis Howes 2:14:35 'Cause then you'll get burnt out after two weeks. You'll be like, "This is exhausting."

Speaker 2:14:38 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:14:38 "I'm not Mr. Fitness." [laughs]

Speaker 2:14:39 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:14:39 It's like you change your mindset, and then take those small actions.

Speaker 2:14:42 Exactly. And there's a beautiful quote from... This is more like an underpinning. Actually, this kind of leads to the next one. We'll save it for the next one.

Lewis Howes 2:14:49 Yep. Intentions?

Speaker 2:14:50 Yeah, so there's a beautiful quote from the Dalai Lama where he said that, "We're born to help people, and if we can't help them, let's at least not hurt them."

Lewis Howes 2:15:00 Mm.

Speaker 2:15:00 And I think that's the intention, that you want to leave every person happier than you found them, leave every place cleaner than you found it, leave every project more productive than you found it. Like, you want to feel that- If you couldn't uplift something or someone, at least don't pull it down. And I think that when you live like that, and your intention-

Lewis Howes 2:15:22 Mm-hmm

Speaker 2:15:22 ... people feel that. This isn't necessarily something that you even have to say or do. People feel that when you just leave a place, and all you wanted to do was give your energy in a positive way. So to me, intention is just coming from a place of, how do I leave every person just-

Lewis Howes 2:15:37 Mm-hmm

Speaker 2:15:37 ... a little bit happier than I found them? I don't have to change their life.

Lewis Howes 2:15:39 Right.

Speaker 2:15:40 But how do I-

Lewis Howes 2:15:40 Try not to hurt them

Speaker 2:15:41 ... try not to hurt them.

Lewis Howes 2:15:42 With everything that's been happening in the world right now, I'm hearing a lot of people say that intention isn't enough.

Speaker 2:15:49 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 2:15:49 Like, having a pos- you had a g- I had a good intention to, like, say the right thing, but it offended someone, and it impacted them in a negative way.

Speaker 2:15:56 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:15:57 So how do people understand that, that it's, it's about intention, but it's also, you might hurt people, you might offend people, even if you weren't intending to. How do we shift that in our minds and our actions-

Speaker 2:16:09 Mm

Lewis Howes 2:16:10 ... to sync up our intentions to actually impacting people in a positive way?

Speaker 2:16:13 Yeah. Def-

Lewis Howes 2:16:13 You know what I mean? It's like there's so much just-

Speaker 2:16:14 Yeah, no, it really makes so much sense. The, a real deep intention means that you will care and do the research and study.

Lewis Howes 2:16:26 Mm.

Speaker 2:16:26 And often we have a good intention, but it's not the deepest, greatest intention, so we try and wing it.

Lewis Howes 2:16:33 But it's based on our beliefs-

Speaker 2:16:34 Correct

Lewis Howes 2:16:35 ... as opposed to doing the research of other things.

Speaker 2:16:37 Correct.

Lewis Howes 2:16:37 Mm.

Speaker 2:16:37 And so really good intentions are, make you ask questions, and make you care, and make you compassionate. And sometimes that doesn't mean saying a lot. Sometimes that means listening, learning, receiving, understanding. And I think when we are trying to show our good intentions, we say a lot, and it may be taken the wrong way.

Lewis Howes 2:16:58 Yeah.

Speaker 2:16:58 But when we really want to be our good intentions, we're just listening and, and learning and asking good questions. And, and you do that really well.

Lewis Howes 2:17:06 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:17:06 Like, you know, whenever, even if we're, you're this person, even if we're on a [laughs] dinner, like-

Lewis Howes 2:17:10 [laughs] Yeah

Speaker 2:17:11 ... Lewis will ask this many questions, even if we're having dinner.

Lewis Howes 2:17:14 Yeah.

Speaker 2:17:14 And we'll go back and forth, and I'll ask questions. And but you, you're a really curious and inquisitive person-

Lewis Howes 2:17:19 Mm-hmm