How To Become So Magnetic You Are Unrecognizable | Aaron Doughty

Aaron Doughty 0:00 One of the strongest things that I think actually holds us back is this one simple question right here. Who did you have to be as a kid to receive mom or dad's love? One of the things I think that makes people more in an energy of attachment and not magnetic is that there's an attachment to an old identity of who they had to be.

Lewis Howes 0:20 He's a spiritual teacher who has helped millions shift their identity, rewire subconscious beliefs, and regulate their nervous system. So please welcome Aaron Doughty.

Aaron Doughty 0:30 Don't ever say, "I'm a people pleaser," or, "I'm this." That's a pattern, and then what's happened is you've misidentified a pattern for an identity. Instead is you look at, what are the parts of myself that I'm attached to that are keeping this pattern alive inside of my body?

Lewis Howes 0:45 What do you believe is the number one thing that blocks people from truly being so magnetic that they are unrecognizable?

Aaron Doughty 0:55 The thing that blocks people I believe the most is...

Lewis Howes 1:04 I wanted to start with the question that, what do you believe is the number one thing that blocks people from truly being so magnetic that they are unrecognizable?

Aaron Doughty 1:15 The thing that blocks people I believe the most is attachment. It's attachment to either beliefs, an old identity, um, attachment to outcome. And what happens is attachment, if you think about it in the terms of magnetic energy and vibration, think about it in this analogy that your vibration is naturally high. Love, joy, and peace is who you naturally are.

Lewis Howes 1:43 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:44 The only thing that keeps you from being that magnetic version of you is that of attachment that puts the resistance underneath the surface. It's like a cork on the top of the ocean just bobbing along. You give it resistance, it goes down, and to make it become magnetic, to make it go back up to the surface of the ocean, what do you do? Just let go. When you let go, it naturally just comes back up. So part of the challenge in our lives is that what we hold onto is we hold onto subconscious beliefs, we hold onto repressed energy from our past.

Lewis Howes 2:25 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 2:25 And one of the strongest things that I think actually holds us back is this one single, this one simple question right here. It's, who did you have to be as a kid to receive mom or dad's love?

Lewis Howes 2:38 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 2:39 Because whoever you had to be as a kid becomes the role and the identity that you live within as a survival mechanism in order to get by. So one of the things I think that makes people more in an energy of attachment and not magnetic is that there's an attachment to an old identity of who they had to be.

Lewis Howes 3:02 That strategy-

Aaron Doughty 3:03 Yes

Lewis Howes 3:03 ... was actually really effective 'cause it helped you survive within your fi- family dynamics.

Aaron Doughty 3:07 Yes.

Lewis Howes 3:07 When you're eight, nine, 12, 16-

Aaron Doughty 3:09 Yeah

Lewis Howes 3:09 ... you have to belong in order to survive.

Aaron Doughty 3:14 Yes.

Lewis Howes 3:14 And you had to simply perform if your parents needed you to in order for them-

Aaron Doughty 3:19 Yeah

Lewis Howes 3:19 ... to be happy with you or give you food and shelter.

Aaron Doughty 3:22 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 3:22 Like it was a, it was a coping mechanism in some ways, right?

Aaron Doughty 3:25 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 3:25 And then it just became a identity-

Aaron Doughty 3:28 Yes

Lewis Howes 3:28 ... into adulthood. It's not like we just let it go right away.

Aaron Doughty 3:31 Yeah, that- that's the challenge is that a lot of times people will have, like, an identity. They'll say, like, "Oh, I am a people pleaser. This is who I am. Oh, I am a perfectionist." You really aren't a people pleaser or a perfectionist. You have a pattern that was a survival mechanism as a kid-

Lewis Howes 3:50 Mm. Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 3:50 ... that allowed you to be who you thought you had to be to gain the approval or validation of mom and

Aaron Doughty 3:57 dad.

Lewis Howes 3:57 Right.

Aaron Doughty 3:58 So don't ever say, "I'm a people pleaser," or, "I'm this." That's a pattern, and then what's happened is you've misidentified a pattern for an identity. So instead what you look at is you look at, what are the parts of myself that I'm attached to that are keeping this pattern alive inside of my body?

Lewis Howes 4:18 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 4:18 And for me, one of the patterns that I had to shed a few years ago even was a pattern of people pleasing.

Lewis Howes 4:25 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 4:25 It was a pattern where I would catch myself feeling like other people's tension was something that I had to mitigate in order to feel safe, and part of it, I think, was just growing up having an, uh... like a certain dynamic as a kid with a, uh, ex-stepmom in my life that was controlling. There was an energy where I had to please in order to feel safe. I had to, um... that was my mechanism as a kid. So what happens is now as an adult, there's times where I'd find myself in that pattern and catch myself and then recognize that to be in that pattern is not magnetic because it's literally a survival strategy that also demands things from other people. So what we subconsciously do as adults if we have unresolved stuff from childhood is it's like this unresolved energy underneath the surface. We then try to go play that out with other people in our life because there's this unresolved energy that wants to be released. So who do people pleasers tend to attract into their life?

Lewis Howes 5:31 Takers.

Aaron Doughty 5:32 Yes.

Lewis Howes 5:33 [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 5:33 Takers and people you feel like you need to fix and people-

Lewis Howes 5:36 Yes

Aaron Doughty 5:36 ... that are very hard to please.

Lewis Howes 5:37 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 5:37 And you don't wanna disappoint them.

Lewis Howes 5:39 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 5:39 So that's become a pattern that's familiar.

Lewis Howes 5:42 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 5:42 So looking at that energy and recognizing it many times is about realizing that there's something here that I'm trying to gain from someone else by pleasing them, but there's something I'm not giving myself.

Lewis Howes 5:56 What is the thing most people try to gain from other people by trying to please them?

Aaron Doughty 6:01 Approval Approval. So when you think about it, like, people, people that become people pleasers as kids were parent pleasers.

Lewis Howes 6:11 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 6:12 So the belief was that I must please mom and dad because if I please mom and dad, they will be okay with me. And as a kid, to get the approval of your parents feels like s- it's survival. It's like death to not have that. And what happens as a kid, too, is we internalize everything, right? So if mom and dad divorce or are in an argument, like, as kids, we... "There's something wrong with me." It's shame. And that's really a lot of times what people pleasing is. It's like an avoidance of shame.

Lewis Howes 6:44 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 6:45 It's an avoidance of vulnerability, and it's being afraid to disappoint people.

Lewis Howes 6:49 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 6:50 Big part of breaking these patterns, though, is getting on the other side of actually feeling what's coming up inside of your body, but not being afraid to embrace what I call the dark

Aaron Doughty 7:02 side.

Lewis Howes 7:02 What is the dark side?

Aaron Doughty 7:04 The dark side of a people pleaser, every, every person you meet-

Lewis Howes 7:07 [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 7:08 ... that's a people pleaser or that has that kinda, or an overgiver, there's an certain untapped energy inside of them that if they were to tap into, would completely transform their lives.

Lewis Howes 7:19 What is that?

Aaron Doughty 7:20 That energy is being in contact with the stored anger and resentment underneath the surface. Normally, what happens is that anger that you're afraid to share towards other people by expressing yourself becomes internalized.

Lewis Howes 7:34 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 7:35 So then you beat yourself up because you said yes when you really meant no. So there's this, this part of us that gets repressed underneath the surface with anger, and the key is actually the thing that you avoid. If you can embrace it, you will start to become more free. So if you think about it in the form of a people pleaser, if instead you let it be okay that you express yourself and someone feels tension, the tension they feel in their body is not your thing to manage.

Lewis Howes 8:05 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 8:06 You will feel tension inside of your body when you first start allowing other people to feel tension, and the key is to sit with it. The-

Lewis Howes 8:14 So hard for a people pleaser.

Aaron Doughty 8:16 It is. It is because d- w- here's why, though. Because their tension feels like your tension.

Lewis Howes 8:23 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 8:23 So as a kid-

Lewis Howes 8:24 You just want them to be okay. Ah.

Aaron Doughty 8:25 You want them to be okay.

Lewis Howes 8:26 It's okay. You don't have to do that. Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 8:27 And think about it like this. As a kid, you were in your own energy field. As a survival mechanism, you may have expanded your energy field to include mom and dad because now in order for you to feel safe, you need to ease the tension in them because their tension felt like your tension. So now as a survival mechanism, people that are considered empaths or people pleasers, they expand their energy field subconsciously to include their environment. So now if there is a form of expression that happens, which may mean, "I don't wanna go to that thing," which may mean, "Hey, when you said this, this is how I felt," those things used to feel like I'm not allowed to express that.

Lewis Howes 9:10 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 9:11 But now when you express it, if somebody else has tension about it, your next level of growth is to let them be in the tension knowing that that also might be their growth, which is a thing some people don't, aren't even aware of.

Lewis Howes 9:26 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 9:27 Because we think, we think that easing someone else's tension by overgiving or overextending ourself is benefiting them, when in fact it's enabling them.

Lewis Howes 9:37 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 9:38 So as we start bringing our energy back into our bodies, as we start letting them be with tension, what we are doing is that tension that we sit with by letting them be in tension becomes the initiation out of the people-pleasing pattern. And like when it comes to breaking any pattern, the first time you do something that's outside of your old identity as the people pleaser, which wasn't your identity, it was a pattern and a survival strategy, as you start to take action outside of that, it will feel unfamiliar.

Lewis Howes 10:12 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 10:13 And what might also come is the dark side of this is you don't wanna be seen as bad.

Lewis Howes 10:20 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 10:20 You don't wanna be seen as, um, you c- it, it was bad as a kid to be, uh, authentic.

Lewis Howes 10:27 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 10:27 It was bad to have needs. It was bad to express anger. And guess what? If it was bad as a kid to express anger, then what happens is you repress a certain part of yourself, and that anger then gets internalized, so then you have it under the surface and are angry at yourself. So when you think of people pleasers, they say, "I don't like anger." Here's the thing: people pleasers subconsciously lo- they, they are extremely comfortable with tension. They just keep it inside of their bodies.

Lewis Howes 10:59 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 11:00 So for a person to break the pattern of people pleasing, the key is recognizing that you're actually already comfortable with tension. It's just-

Lewis Howes 11:08 It's just within you

Aaron Doughty 11:09 ... it's just within you.

Lewis Howes 11:10 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 11:10 But the way out, the way into freedom is actually being able to express yourself in an authentic way and then letting other people be with their tension, knowing it's not your thing to manage. And if they see you as bad, that also becomes something that you can begin to accept, that you're not bad because you express yourself. You're not bad because you let someone deal with their own energy of what they're feeling based on you being vulnerable or expressing how you feel. You then start to recognize that it's actually authentic.

Lewis Howes 11:46 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 11:46 And the thing for people pleasers that will completely shift the pattern is when you go from subconsciously you value approval and validation because you didn't receive it as a kid. So now as an adult, you have to give your inner child that same approval and validation.

Lewis Howes 12:04 [sighs]

Aaron Doughty 12:05 And then-

Lewis Howes 12:06 And you may not get it from anyone else

Aaron Doughty 12:07 ... you may not.

Lewis Howes 12:08 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 12:08 And, and here's the funny thing, though. When you allow yourself to express yourself and you actually let it be okay if people don't resonate with you, that's when you're actually free.

Lewis Howes 12:21 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 12:21 Like, freedom is the ability to be disliked. What's so bad about being disliked? We think that if someone dislikes us, it means there's something wrong with us.

Lewis Howes 12:33 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 12:34 We think there's something that, there's something that we need to change about ourselves, when in fact someone else not liking you may have nothing to do with you.

Lewis Howes 12:43 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 12:43 And actually, if you can let other people not like you, you are actually free because then you've given up the role of trying to change what other people think about you.

Lewis Howes 12:56 Right.

Aaron Doughty 12:56 And as you know, being on, you know, like being in the, the limelight and stuff like that, like there's gonna be people-

Lewis Howes 13:02 Right

Aaron Doughty 13:02 ... that love what you do, there's gonna be people that don't like what you do, and everything in between. It's a burdenful job to believe it's your job to please everybody.

Lewis Howes 13:11 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 13:12 But here's the thing also that people can recognize about this pattern is that the more authentic you are, the more you begin to respect yourself. It's like you then will notice that other people, even though they may not approve of you in the same way-

Lewis Howes 13:30 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 13:30 ... they'll respect you.

Lewis Howes 13:32 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 13:32 So would you rather give up approval and validation from other people because you approve of and validate yourself, and in exchange then there is many times respect. And you've probably had that experience before where you meet someone that even if you don't resonate with them or agree with them, you respect that they express themselves authentically.

Lewis Howes 13:52 Sure. Yeah, you may not wanna be friends with them, but you respect, okay-

Aaron Doughty 13:55 Yeah

Lewis Howes 13:55 ... this person's living their life the way they want to.

Aaron Doughty 13:58 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 13:58 I guess the challenge is how does someone [sighs] how does someone navigate, okay, I don't wanna be a people pleaser anymore, or I don't wanna have the pattern of being a people pleaser anymore.

Aaron Doughty 14:10 Good job. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 14:12 But I also want people to not think that I'm, I don't know, unethical or bad or doing something in the wrong way. Like, is there a way to still do that, or is it just they're gonna have their opinion on you no matter what you do, even if you say it with the most integrity and the most kindness, but people are gonna s- have an opinion about whatever they want.

Aaron Doughty 14:34 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:34 That's, I guess that's a challenge, 'cause people are afraid-

Aaron Doughty 14:36 Yeah

Lewis Howes 14:36 ... of maybe not being disliked, but also what if they just completely misinterpret what I said or who I am.

Aaron Doughty 14:44 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:45 And now I feel like I have to explain myself-

Aaron Doughty 14:47 Yeah

Lewis Howes 14:47 ... or overexplain so that they understand it.

Aaron Doughty 14:50 Yeah. Yeah, in, in the same way, that's like another vein of a similar energy of being able to be misunderstood by people. Because ultimately, if you know who you are and you're living by the values of integrity, of vulnerability, of authenticity-

Lewis Howes 15:08 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 15:08 ... and when you express yourself when you normally thought it was bad, if that, if it comes up from other people and they misunderstand you, it's recognizing that it's still, it's still not your thing to manage.

Lewis Howes 15:19 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 15:20 Because there'll be times that some people may misunderstand you, but part of that is when you stop being a people pleaser or you stop overgiving, there will be people in your life that are used to that version of you. So when you stop doing it, their patterns come up because something's changed in you-

Lewis Howes 15:40 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 15:40 ... and you were very convenient for them for a long time.

Lewis Howes 15:43 They're gonna think you're a jerk.

Aaron Doughty 15:45 They're gonna think you're a jerk, yeah.

Lewis Howes 15:46 If you're not, if you're not overgiving like you used to-

Aaron Doughty 15:48 Yep

Lewis Howes 15:48 ... people are like-

Aaron Doughty 15:48 What's changed? Uh, did I do something wrong?

Lewis Howes 15:50 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 15:50 And you gotta be aware sometimes that that could be their own, uh, version of trying to get you to go back, which is guilt. Guilt is i- they may be doing it consciously or subconsciously, but you have to be aware of your own energy around guilt, letting yourself feel the guilt that comes up.

Lewis Howes 16:09 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 16:09 But recognizing that what guilt is as an emotion is guilt means I feel responsible. So I feel responsible for how you feel.

Lewis Howes 16:19 For their feelings.

Aaron Doughty 16:20 Exactly. So even then, they're misunderstanding, right?

Lewis Howes 16:25 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 16:25 Is if you're still, it still means living with an integrity of yourself and of your own expression, but knowing that even that is not your thing to manage for somebody else. And-

Lewis Howes 16:37 Man, it's so hard for a lot of people

Aaron Doughty 16:38 ... I'm sure it is, but that's-

Lewis Howes 16:39 [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 16:39 ... that's the cost. That's the cost of breaking the pattern and o- of authenticity.

Lewis Howes 16:44 If someone is living in a state or a pattern of people pleasing and feeling guilty about how others feel-

Aaron Doughty 16:52 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 16:52 ... about their actions or lack of actions [sighs] how high of a frequency can they actually get to inside of themselves energetically-

Aaron Doughty 17:02 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 17:02 ... if they're constantly living in a state of people pleasing and feeling guilty for someone else's feelings and emotions?

Aaron Doughty 17:09 Yeah, I mean, that will block them from getting to a state of true authenticity.

Lewis Howes 17:14 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 17:15 And really what it is is when you are comfortable being you, and realize people feel when you f- how you feel in your body when you express yourself, other people pick up on that energy, and that becomes something that people, uh, gravitate to, right? So it's like energy that's magnetic and contagious is the most fun you can have.

Lewis Howes 17:40 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 17:40 The most present to the moment you are-

Lewis Howes 17:42 Yes

Aaron Doughty 17:43 ... and the most accepting you are of what you're feeling becomes a frequency and an energy that other people can tune to and match, and this is why you'll probably notice that the podcasts that do the best are probably the ones that you have the most fun recording.

Lewis Howes 18:03 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 18:03 Or there's the, there's the most fluid conversation or even there's more of a divine energy flowing through, where it's not as much the egos. It's like this dance that's happening.

Lewis Howes 18:12 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 18:12 Right? And so energy that's magnetic is energy that's present, and the challenge with people pleasing in some of these patterns is when there's unresolved stuff under the surface and there's an attachment to outcome of what other people feel, that creates resistance.

Lewis Howes 18:31 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 18:31 And people then play off of that resistance and are responding to it, and if you feel lack around acceptance-

Lewis Howes 18:41 Mm

Aaron Doughty 18:41 ... or you feel rack- lack around validation and approval, what you're saying is that that lack in approval is not inside of myself, or that approval and validation is not inside of myself, you have it.

Lewis Howes 18:51 Hmm.

Aaron Doughty 18:52 I need it from you. Now, here's the thing. When you're around other people and you're thinking about them, and you want something from them, think about it like you are energetically sending them energy. You're sending them energy, and as you send them energy, it feels like a bombardment of energy. It feels intrusive.

Lewis Howes 19:11 From you it feels that way, or f-

Aaron Doughty 19:12 It feels, it feels... Like, if I really wanted something from you right now-

Lewis Howes 19:16 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 19:16 ... and I was really craving it, and I wasn't telling you about it.

Lewis Howes 19:19 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 19:19 You would feel it, and you, there'd be a part of you that would feel-

Lewis Howes 19:22 Resistant?

Aaron Doughty 19:23 You would resist it.

Lewis Howes 19:23 Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 19:23 Subconsciously. And when you bring the energy back into your body, and I'm not attached whether you, whatever you do, you'll feel more freedom.

Lewis Howes 19:32 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 19:32 And that's when people can actually be chosen by other people.

Lewis Howes 19:35 Hmm.

Aaron Doughty 19:35 That's when people can actually have that energy come to them. It's when, when they bring their energy back.

Lewis Howes 19:40 Hmm.

Aaron Doughty 19:41 And the way in which, there's, it's this simple technique that I found that has completely transformed my life, and thou- like, I have a YouTube video on it, and thousands of people, even when I meet people that, you know, recognize me from my videos, they s- that, that technique is so powerful. It's very simple.

Lewis Howes 19:56 What is this technique and, and what does it do?

Aaron Doughty 19:59 So it's called the

Aaron Doughty 20:00 frame technique. The frame technique has to do with feeling safe inside of your body.

Lewis Howes 20:05 Hmm.

Aaron Doughty 20:05 And it has to do with this idea of either sending energy out or feeling safe inside of yourself. The way I found out about this was actually years ago. I went to this transformation place in Costa Rica, and I get there, and there's this consciousness teacher there, and she's teaching about energy. And she did this simple exercise that I'll never forget. She had, she stood at the front of the room and she said, "Now everyone in the crowd, I want you guys to send me energy. Send me energy. Send me energy."

Lewis Howes 20:34 Like loving, positive energy?

Aaron Doughty 20:35 Just any energy.

Lewis Howes 20:36 Any energy.

Aaron Doughty 20:36 Any energy you want. Just project energy at me. So even if you say it's good energy, "I'm gonna, I'm gonna send them good energy so they think about me," right? Everyone would send her energy in the crowd, and she said, "It, it's, it feels like a bombardment of energy. It makes me back up." So then she said, "Now I want everyone to bring the energy back into your body. Bring the energy back into your body. Bring the energy back into your body." And as people did that, she said, "Now it's a magnetic effect. I feel drawn towards the crowd."

Lewis Howes 21:04 Ah, you're pulling me towards you closer.

Aaron Doughty 21:06 By you being more present to your bo- in your body.

Lewis Howes 21:08 Interesting.

Aaron Doughty 21:08 So-

Lewis Howes 21:09 What, what does that look like to draw energy into your body versus sending energy towards someone else?

Aaron Doughty 21:15 It's actually the opposite. It has the opposite effect of what people think that it does, because what you actually do is you kind of solve the challenge as a kid of what you did when you in- expanded your field to include everyone else's, and now you're sending energy. You actually feel the separation between you and someone else.

Lewis Howes 21:36 When you draw it back.

Aaron Doughty 21:37 Yes. Like, you, you do. It's, the frame technique is a very simple exercise where what you do is you stare at a candle flame about eye, about a couple feet in front of you, but eye distance, um, eye level, and what you do is on the in breath, you focus on the separation between you and the flame. And that represents self, okay? So in reality, there's self and other, and what happens is you think about it like the movie The Matrix. Self and other, like zeros and ones, right? What happens is people who didn't feel safe as a kid, they only see more of other around, but they think it's their job to manage the emotion. So it's like that's an extension of them.

Lewis Howes 22:19 So it's kind of like making sure everything, everyone's okay.

Aaron Doughty 22:22 Yep.

Lewis Howes 22:22 And people pleasing and checking in. What do you need from me? How can I be of support? Whatever.

Aaron Doughty 22:26 Yep.

Lewis Howes 22:26 But not from a lens of service and self, but more of a lens of I need everyone to feel good, so I feel good.

Aaron Doughty 22:33 Yes.

Lewis Howes 22:33 Okay.

Aaron Doughty 22:34 Yeah, it's a subconscious thing. Um, and, and what happens though is as you f- so you focus on this, the dif- the space between-

Lewis Howes 22:41 You breathe in

Aaron Doughty 22:41 ... you-

Lewis Howes 22:42 Yeah

Aaron Doughty 22:42 ... and the flame. On the in breath, you focus on the space between you and the flame. On the out breath, what you do is you still keep your eyes focused on the flame. Eyes that wanders, a mind that wanders. And with your eyes focused on the flame, you then focus on the peripheral, and that represents other.

Lewis Howes 23:01 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 23:01 So it's self, space on, on the first in breath, and then on the out breath, you focus on other, but your eyes are still focused on the flame. And what this does is it allows you to start to feel more safe inside of your body, and you'll find that then when you go out and you meet other people, you find yourself less tuning to them.

Lewis Howes 23:23 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 23:23 Wondering how they're feeling, so and who do I need to be. This doesn't mean, by the way, that you're not connected to other people in your life. Like, it doesn't mean you're not still... You can, you can do this in regards to loved ones.

Lewis Howes 23:36 Uh-huh.

Aaron Doughty 23:36 That you might take on more of their energy, and you just wanna, like, energetically feel safe inside of your body. You can still love them, but this allows you to separate your energy from other people's when you've been taking on their energy.

Lewis Howes 23:48 Wow. So if someone listening or watching feels, identifies themselves as an empath-

Aaron Doughty 23:53 Yeah

Lewis Howes 23:53 ... and I feel the energy of every person around me, and I feel people and animals and, you know, anyone who's feeling something, I feel it.

Aaron Doughty 24:01 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 24:02 And it, and it kinda becomes me.

Aaron Doughty 24:03 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 24:03 Their joy, their sadness, I take it on.

Aaron Doughty 24:06 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 24:07 What technique or strategy can they use, if it's this or something else, to create kind of like a, you know, a safe space around them while interacting with someone ha- that has a range of emotions?

Aaron Doughty 24:19 Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's, the, the frame technique is such a powerful thing where when you begin to feel the separation and the space between you and other people, you allow yourself to then create safety inside of yourself.

Lewis Howes 24:35 So give me an example. If you walked in here and I just said, like, "I'm having the worst day ever, and everything's wrong, and I'm breaking down, and I'm, like, crying all over the place."

Aaron Doughty 24:44 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 24:44 And I'm, like, throwing this on top of you, right?

Aaron Doughty 24:47 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 24:48 How would you, in that moment, cr- use this frame technique? Like, what would you do inside of you while also being present to what-

Aaron Doughty 24:55 Yeah

Lewis Howes 24:55 ... my experience is?

Aaron Doughty 24:57 Yeah

Lewis Howes 24:57 And not detach yourself from the person in front of you.

Aaron Doughty 25:00 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 25:01 And show that you're a caring, present human, but also not letting it be like, "Oh, man, I'm exhausted from this interaction."

Aaron Doughty 25:08 Yeah. Yeah, the, the difference is in the way in which I relate to you.

Lewis Howes 25:12 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 25:13 And whether I think or feel that your pain of what you're going through is my job to manage by fixing you.

Lewis Howes 25:21 Hmm.

Aaron Doughty 25:22 Because that's where codependency stems from. Codependency stems from, like, the rescuer dynamic. I'm gonna rescue Lewis, 'cause if I rescue your, you, you're going to like me more, wanna be around me more, or something like that. So the frame technique is being able to still feel the space between us, but also allow myself to feel present inside of my body, to feel present, be, like, present with you. Healing happens in the presence of an empathetic witness.

Lewis Howes 25:55 Hmm.

Aaron Doughty 25:56 So to be an empathetic witness is different than me trying to fix you.

Lewis Howes 26:01 Right.

Aaron Doughty 26:02 Part of the thing that really would help people to understand how to really be there more for people is that when you see people as broken and needing to be fixed, you are doing them a disservice in the sense that it is an identity that you're, in a way, projecting onto them. So-

Lewis Howes 26:21 It's an expectation that you're projecting onto them.

Aaron Doughty 26:24 Yeah

Lewis Howes 26:24 That you think they should be living.

Aaron Doughty 26:25 And, and a judgment, in a way. Like, a label, in a way. So if instead of seeing them as broken and needing to be fixed, you can acknowledge that they may be feeling a certain emotion, but you also understand that they're extraordinarily resourceful and powerful beings, even if they're not in the moment aware of it. So the presence you bring, the energetic alignment and balance that you bring to yourself-

Lewis Howes 26:50 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 26:51 ... becomes the healing mechanism for the other person. So if I was in-

Lewis Howes 26:55 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 26:55 ... if I came into this room and you were like, "Oh my God, I'm feeling all these emotions," and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Lewis Howes 27:01 Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 27:01 And you looked up at me, and I'm like, "Lewis, are you okay? Anything I can do different for you?"

Lewis Howes 27:05 [laughs] Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 27:05 Like, "What do you..." You would... Would you feel safe?

Lewis Howes 27:08 No.

Aaron Doughty 27:08 No.

Lewis Howes 27:08 No.

Aaron Doughty 27:09 But if you were feeling that way and I was like, "Oh, wow," and I was, like-

Lewis Howes 27:12 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 27:12 ... present with you, and I slowed it down for you, and I asked you some questions that kinda got you more at to the root or, or got you into reflecting things in a different way, it might be a different energy.

Lewis Howes 27:25 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 27:26 Right? So the thing is, we heal through nervous systems.

Lewis Howes 27:32 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 27:32 So when you, when I am in a calm, regulated nervous system and I'm coaching someone else, whether it's at a live event or whatever, my ability to be present with that person and my ability to be balanced inside of myself, even in the midst of them expressing their life challenges or what they're dealing with, the thing that really helps m- that really helps them heal is that just being an energetic mirror-

Lewis Howes 28:03 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 28:03 ... to balance, and understanding that they have the answers inside of themselves.

Lewis Howes 28:08 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 28:09 And that's a huge part of the process. It's we assume, a lot of times, because of how we've been conditioned, that answers are outside of ourselves.

Lewis Howes 28:18 Hmm.

Aaron Doughty 28:18 And therefore, we look for it in other people, or we look for it in content, or we look for it in another YouTube video or another book, and a lot of times what happens is there's a feeling there that I am not already whole and complete the way that I am.

Lewis Howes 28:35 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 28:35 So that shame, that emotion, then becomes the driving force towards trying to heal more, which creates a shadow side, because you're robbing yourself of the present moment right now, being whole and complete.

Lewis Howes 28:48 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 28:49 So when we talk about this energy of anything, really, the things I've learned in the last couple years have been very powerful transformations in my life have been around just understanding the energy. When I am in an energy where I'm having fun and there's passion or the divine flowing through, there's a magnetic frequency there. When other people are expressing their challenges to me and I'm balanced inside of myself, witnessing them, even in their challenges, and being present with them, and asking questions that bring their own answers, it's extremely powerful and transformative. If I try to give people the answers-

Lewis Howes 29:30 Mm

Aaron Doughty 29:30 ... that they're asking, that, the answers are then in me and not them.

Lewis Howes 29:35 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 29:35 And the truth is, the, we're in an era on the planet now where people are becoming more empowered to understand that the answers are within them. Not some guru, not some spiritual teacher. The answers are inside all of us, and the questions that, that get asked are the ones that reveal the answers to the people.

Lewis Howes 29:59 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 29:59 And it's from, it's just that we've been conditioned to believe and look outside of ourselves for the answer, and because we believe that, we look for it, and we never think it's here now.

Lewis Howes 30:10 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 30:10 So we're always looking. We're always trying to get somewhere else.

Lewis Howes 30:13 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 30:14 And the, the joke of the whole thing is that in the present moment right now, if we can accept this moment 100%, have more fun- And recognize that, like, that it's, it's more of an energetic thing than it is a figuring out from the mind egoic thing. It's like from that energy state comes the answers, and it comes the alignment, and it comes the recip- the r- the reciprocal relationships, et cetera.

Lewis Howes 30:42 You've been doing this work for over a decade now.

Aaron Doughty 30:45 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 30:46 But you said three years ago you just started to have this awakening around the tendency or pattern of people pleasing.

Aaron Doughty 30:54 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 30:55 And starting to transition away from that.

Aaron Doughty 30:59 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 31:00 What was the wake-up call for you that allowed you to say, "Oh, I'm still in this state-

Aaron Doughty 31:05 Yeah

Lewis Howes 31:05 ... of people pleasing in some way, or I'm still not free-

Aaron Doughty 31:08 Yeah

Lewis Howes 31:08 ... because I'm trying to ge- be liked or whatever it is"? Like, what was that aha moment for you where you said, "Enough is enough. I'm not gonna live like this anymore," and, and then what has it been like on the other side? Has it been easy in breaking that pattern?

Aaron Doughty 31:23 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 31:23 Or has it been like, "Oh, this doesn't feel good," when you create a barrier or boundary with people and they don't like it?

Aaron Doughty 31:30 Yeah. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 31:31 What has that, what has that journey been like for you?

Aaron Doughty 31:32 So it's interesting. Like many people, I think w- a lotta people I think are aware of some of their patterns, and I was aware of this pattern for years. It was just something that I was aware of, but I'm like, "How do I shift it?"

Lewis Howes 31:46 Right.

Aaron Doughty 31:46 "What do I do? Tell me what to do so I can shift the pattern." And I kinda knew what to do, but also it's like it felt like subconsciously it was still under the surface. So for me, what I'm thinking of is three or four years ago was where I really started to shed it in the sense that I recognized that my biggest block was that one question I mentioned earlier: Who did I have to be as a kid to receive Mom and Dad's love?

Lewis Howes 32:13 Who was that?

Aaron Doughty 32:14 And who, for me, it was somebody that was very accommodating, somebody that was very tolerant, somebody that wasn't allowed to have their own needs. Um, the other side of the people pleasing thing was a very self-reliant thing, where I would just do everything myself, not need anybody else.

Lewis Howes 32:32 Hmm.

Aaron Doughty 32:32 Hyper independent. On one hand, cr- wanting intimacy or connection, but on the other hand-

Lewis Howes 32:38 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 32:38 ... pushing it away at times because it felt, something about it felt not safe. So there was this, like, awareness of these patterns, and for me, part of it was as I started to become more and more successful with my YouTube channel and what I'm doing in the world, I started to create a lot more alignment in m- inside of myself. But also, there was this belief subconsciously that if I were to become, like, this level of success, then I would feel different, right? Like, when I got the YouTube plaque for a million subscribers.

Lewis Howes 33:10 Like, "Now I've made it."

Aaron Doughty 33:11 Now I've made it.

Lewis Howes 33:12 Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 33:13 You know, and I, and I remember when I first got a, the first 100,000, I was like, "It's gonna feel amazing." And then it happened and I'm like, "Okay, what about 200?" [laughs] You know, then it just... And what I recognize in myself was a deep reflection that a majority of my audience is woman, and part of that could be just 'cause of the spiritual, spiritual stuff that I talk about, right, and energy and relationship stuff.

Lewis Howes 33:37 It's that concept. Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 33:39 Yeah. The other side of it, though, is I feel like the more I went into the mother, father, child dynamic, which is the most powerful level of work that I've found for really healing at a deep pattern level.

Lewis Howes 33:50 This was the work that you were doing for yourself or teaching online?

Aaron Doughty 33:53 I was doing for myself and just sharing what I was learning online about it.

Lewis Howes 33:57 Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 33:57 Um, but I, what I recognized in myself was that around that mother, father, child dynamic, I was in a way projecting onto my audience that wanting to fix pattern was something that I had initially from Mom as a kid. So for anybody that's watching this right now, if you were to take from zero to five years old, and you were, even if you don't remember your childhood, you were to begin to kind of map out what may have been happening in the household between zero to five years old, you'd find a lotta golden nuggets.

Lewis Howes 34:31 Hmm.

Aaron Doughty 34:32 Zero to five is where we create the imprint of our subconscious. We're primarily in a theta state, and we are interpreting who we are. We are, like, forming the basis for who we are and how we relate to self and other. So for me, this stemmed because I got a session with a na- a man named Dr. Mark Wolynn, who wrote the book It Didn't Start With You, which is all about inherited family trauma.

Lewis Howes 34:57 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 34:57 And I had this session with him two days before I ran a live event, and I got all this really interesting information, and what was interesting is on the call, the only thing he cared about was from zero to five years old. I'm like, "Well, I had an ex-stepmom that came in my life and I had no freedom from 9 to 17." He's like, "Yeah, we don't need to focus on that." So from zero to five years old, what I recognized inside of myself is around two or three years old, around one or two years old, my mom, her dad died. My mom had, like, trauma with her dad, and she ran away when she was younger, but when her dad died, she lost a lot of weight and she wasn't sleeping at night. I found this out afterwards by asking family members-

Lewis Howes 35:36 Right

Aaron Doughty 35:36 ... and, and friends.

Lewis Howes 35:36 She probably wasn't present with you or-

Aaron Doughty 35:38 She wasn't present.

Lewis Howes 35:39 She wasn't being-

Aaron Doughty 35:39 But she could, she was doing the best she could, but because of that, I'm like, oh, well, if I imagine as one or two years old looking up at a mom that was, like-

Lewis Howes 35:47 Depressed, stressed, shrinking-

Aaron Doughty 35:49 Yeah

Lewis Howes 35:49 ... physically, emotionally.

Aaron Doughty 35:51 Exactly. Yeah, like, like, what, would, would I have felt that that presence was there? Like, what would I have been interpreting about myself? And what I then looked at from zero to five was around three years old my brother was born, and my younger brother, he had asthma, so he was in the doctors a lot. He got a lot of attention naturally because he needed it because he was sick, and the attention really switched to him. So I imagine that as a three-year-old, as an adult I understand, like, oh, I didn't-

Lewis Howes 36:21 Yeah

Aaron Doughty 36:21 ... the little version of me, like, it's, "Your brother needs it." But I've always felt, like, afraid of stealing the limelight from my brother 'cause he kinda needed it, 'cause he got it so much when he was a kid. Um, when I was three years old, that's when he was born, and, like, where did the awareness and the, the, the energy go? And then around four or five, my parents divorced when I was five. So- I, you th- you would think that, okay, around four or five, that's when things probably started going south, and then at five, the divorce happened. So just that information right there, who I had to be-

Lewis Howes 36:54 Mm

Aaron Doughty 36:54 ... was somebody that didn't have needs, somebody that was also trying to, like, please Mom, like, to, you know... But I think there was a certain level of, like, sadness almost that I had trouble connecting to as an adult, part of which is, like, I was so u- I would attract women that kind of would reflect that energy back. Um, but there was a, definitely an energy of feeling like I had to fix, and having high tolerance. And what I became aware of-

Lewis Howes 37:21 Enduring

Aaron Doughty 37:22 And enduring.

Lewis Howes 37:23 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 37:23 Exactly. And what I became aware of three years, four years ago was that in a interesting way I was playing that pattern out with even part of my audience. It's like there was a par- a subconscious part of me that felt like I was trying to fix people, and it was kind of creating a certain relationship with the kind of work that I was doing where I had to relate to myself and realize that trying to get the approval or validation or to fix them was my unresolved family stuff as a kid that w- I was reflecting onto my work in the world. So that was where I looked even deeper at the mother-father-child dynamic, and that's where I became aware of a lot of these patterns and in a way had to heal that inner child part of myself that felt that way.

Lewis Howes 38:16 Mm. What did the process of healing your inner child look like, and what was that experience like?

Aaron Doughty 38:24 Yeah, it was really, it was a very powerful experience. Um, one thing that I did for it, I did a few things. Um, one of them was a conversation I actually had with my best friend when we were doing some deep inner reflection on this, and there was a realization that the, the woman that I would attract into my life that I'd date, there was a lot of times a certain level of pressure that I would put for it to, like, work out in a certain way. And I could tell that it was almost like wanting it to work out was my way of avoiding the shame that there was something wrong with me. So-

Lewis Howes 39:02 Mm

Aaron Doughty 39:02 ... it was a moment where I realized that it wasn't my fault if it didn't work out in certain relationships.

Lewis Howes 39:09 Yeah, they just didn't work out. You didn't align, didn't have the same values or whatever, right? Or-

Aaron Doughty 39:12 Yeah. And it wasn't my fault as a kid that Mom's dad died.

Lewis Howes 39:17 Oof.

Aaron Doughty 39:18 So that was the deeper root. The most powerful

Aaron Doughty 39:21 thing I did, though, is something called family constellation therapy.

Lewis Howes 39:24 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 39:24 Have you ever heard of this?

Lewis Howes 39:26 Tell me.

Aaron Doughty 39:27 Okay. This is gonna sound out there for some of the people that hear this for the first time-

Lewis Howes 39:30 Yes

Aaron Doughty 39:30 ... but it is very powerful.

Lewis Howes 39:32 So it's, like, family tree stuff and, like-

Aaron Doughty 39:34 Kind of.

Lewis Howes 39:34 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 39:35 It's, it's... I, I, I had some recommendations from people that you have to try this family constellation thing, and I was, like, resistant to it for, like, a year, and then I fi- finally I was like, "Okay, let me do this." And it's a German process, and the idea is that within your energy field is the patterns and the energy dynamics stored from your family line. So what ha-

Lewis Howes 39:58 Generational traumas.

Aaron Doughty 39:59 Exactly. So what I did is I went to this family constellation therapy session that include, that includes a group of people.

Lewis Howes 40:07 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 40:07 Where they know nothing about you, and I specifically chose someone that, like, nobody there knew who I was. They knew nothing about me. And they were, like, they were people that basically were going to act out the family dynamics-

Lewis Howes 40:23 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 40:24 ... in my family line without knowing anything about me or... and only knowing just the name of who that person was to me. So what happened is I do this family constellation therapy. I go over to this woman's house, and there's five people there that volunteered to be a part of it, to, like, help me, you know, basically become aware of this.

Lewis Howes 40:40 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 40:41 And there's one person there, um, that played my mom. There's one person there that played my mom's mom. There's one person there that played my mom's dad, and there's one person there that was a 70-year-old man that played me. And they knew nothing about my family line. I know about my family, but, like, you know, like, I know some stuff, 'cause I never really met my mom's mom and my mom's dad. I just know my mom ran away.

Lewis Howes 41:02 But they know nothing about it.

Aaron Doughty 41:03 They know nothing.

Lewis Howes 41:03 So are they coming up with scenarios and you're watching, or you're-

Aaron Doughty 41:07 I'm watching

Lewis Howes 41:07 ... you're a part of it?

Aaron Doughty 41:08 I'm, I think generally people are a part of it, but-

Lewis Howes 41:10 But you're watching

Aaron Doughty 41:11 ... I'm watching.

Lewis Howes 41:12 You're observing your family and, and putting yourself in the state-

Aaron Doughty 41:15 Yep

Lewis Howes 41:15 ... that this is my parents and grandparents-

Aaron Doughty 41:18 Yep

Lewis Howes 41:18 ... living their life.

Aaron Doughty 41:20 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 41:20 And I'm an observer of their life.

Aaron Doughty 41:22 They're just... They... Basically what happens is this woman, she was the last one to get there, and what was interesting is she looked very similar to my mom.

Lewis Howes 41:29 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 41:30 Because my mom, my mom passed away a few years ago.

Lewis Howes 41:32 Oh, rights to the heart.

Aaron Doughty 41:33 Yeah, and this woman that showed up looked, looked and reminded me of my mom, so it was, it was already kind of like a thing, was like, oh. And she was one of the most experienced people that was a part of this. Apparently these people, they love to be of service of this kind of work.

Lewis Howes 41:44 It's kind of like... Are they... They're kind of like actors in a sense?

Aaron Doughty 41:47 Kind of.

Lewis Howes 41:48 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 41:48 It's, it's kind of like they pick up on the energy through the intention.

Lewis Howes 41:52 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 41:52 And it sounds very esoteric, but it's, it's crazy what comes through.

Lewis Howes 41:56 It's powerful, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 41:57 So what happened was this woman, this one woman plays my mom, this other two people my mom and my dad, and then someone played me. And the person that plays my mom, she goes and gets into state, and she's just, like, seeing what comes up for her, and she gets in and she starts, like, kind of going inwards, and it was, like, almost like I, I've seen that look on her face before.

Lewis Howes 42:19 Your mom?

Aaron Doughty 42:19 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 42:20 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 42:20 This person playing my mom. And she then got into a state where she was going inwards really thinking, and she was kind of in her own, in her own world. And then what happened is the man that was a 70-year-old guy that was playing me, he comes over and he pulls on my mom's dress. And she, like, looks, but then she's just, like, in her process, continuing to go inwards. So then that person playing me kind of walks around for a minute, and then she goes and does it again. And mom's still in her process. So then what he does-

Lewis Howes 42:50 She's not engaging with you.

Aaron Doughty 42:52 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 42:52 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 42:52 Yeah, and then, and then what he did is he went, the, the seven-year-old guy that was playing me, he went and just started playing with some stuff that was on the coffee table.

Lewis Howes 43:01 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 43:01 And-

Lewis Howes 43:01 Entertaining himself somehow

Aaron Doughty 43:02 ... entertaining himself, exactly. And what then happened is the mom's mom and mom's dad, what was interesting there is there was a certain type of trauma that was in my, in my mom's life that was like a block between her and her dad, and it was something that my mom's mom kind of allowed to happen, and it was like this, this scenario where that kind of played out in a way.

Lewis Howes 43:26 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 43:26 And my mom, or the person playing my mom, put like a blanket between them, the, the practitioner did, the facilitator did, and like that allowed my mom to feel more safe, but I'm witnessing it. But the powerful part of all of this was I was able to learn more about my patterns, and one of those patterns was that I had this pattern of overworking.

Lewis Howes 43:47 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 43:47 And part of the connection was, because after this scenario, long story short, I learn more about certain patterns. Um, the gentleman that played me said that one of the things he felt was he felt like, "Screw it. If I'm not gonna get Mom's attention, I'm just gonna be very busy." And I've had for, for years I had this pattern of just overworking, just always being busy. And why focus on love or all of this other stuff when you could just be busy and that's more fun, right? Like, you don't need anybody else. That's the hyper-independent, self-reliant part of me. And the other part of it, though, so that was a part of the pattern that I became aware of, um-

Lewis Howes 44:27 Mm

Aaron Doughty 44:28 ... I think there was another healing that happened as well where I recognized that between my mom and my dad, you know, having the step-mom in my life from 9 to 17, where my brother and I weren't allowed to really have friends, weren't allowed to go to s- we had to earn going-to-school activities. We, uh, I think-

Lewis Howes 44:45 From the step-mom?

Aaron Doughty 44:46 From the step-mom. Yeah, she had the power from then-

Lewis Howes 44:48 Was your, was your mom not in the picture at all?

Aaron Doughty 44:49 She wasn't allowed to be, really, 'cause we'd get in trouble any time we came back.

Lewis Howes 44:52 So you couldn't see her that much? Or like-

Aaron Doughty 44:54 We didn't see her at all.

Lewis Howes 44:55 Or-

Aaron Doughty 44:55 Until I was 15 and my, 16 when my dad divorced her.

Lewis Howes 44:58 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 44:58 So-

Lewis Howes 44:58 Oh, uh, divorced the step-mom?

Aaron Doughty 45:00 Yes.

Lewis Howes 45:00 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 45:00 So my dad divorced-

Lewis Howes 45:01 You didn't see your mom for like-

Aaron Doughty 45:02 Nope

Lewis Howes 45:03 ... five, six years?

Aaron Doughty 45:03 Nope. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 45:05 Man.

Aaron Doughty 45:05 Apparently it was, it was weird. Apparently-

Lewis Howes 45:06 Is she in the same city? Or did she move? Or...

Aaron Doughty 45:08 No, my mom was here. She tried, but we, any time we'd go over to our mom's house, we'd come back, and we'd get in so much trouble that eventually it wasn't worth it. So we didn't have a relationship with my real mom until I was 16, 17 years old. The divorce happened.

Lewis Howes 45:23 Ugh.

Aaron Doughty 45:23 Which was of course hard, you know? But there, there was a, definitely a, an energy there where I was like, why did my dad allow my ex-stepmom to have so much power, right?

Lewis Howes 45:32 He, he was a people pleaser. He didn't have-

Aaron Doughty 45:34 Yep

Lewis Howes 45:34 ... he didn't have a boundary. He didn't know how to-

Aaron Doughty 45:36 Yeah

Lewis Howes 45:36 ... he didn't know how to be authentic and say what he really wanted.

Aaron Doughty 45:38 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 45:39 And she had some type of spell on him, whether it be sexually or chemically or-

Aaron Doughty 45:42 Yeah

Lewis Howes 45:42 ... whatever, right? Like...

Aaron Doughty 45:44 Yeah. And, and the, and-

Lewis Howes 45:45 He was trying to survive. He was trying to feel love and get through his emotions probably.

Aaron Doughty 45:49 Yep. Yeah, that was all a part of it.

Lewis Howes 45:51 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 45:51 And the healing for me was seeing that in this family constellation dynamic, the thing that was said between my mom's mom and my mom's dad, the reason my mom's mom allowed it to happen because, was because it kept the family together.

Lewis Howes 46:04 Gosh. Man, that's-

Aaron Doughty 46:05 And that was very hard to see.

Lewis Howes 46:08 Ugh.

Aaron Doughty 46:08 But then I recognized that, like, oh, my dad was just trying to keep the family together, even though there was pain and like, you know, and all of that. So-

Lewis Howes 46:16 Man, that's... So many people, it's tough because I'm not a proponent for like, just get divorced if something is hard, right?

Aaron Doughty 46:24 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 46:24 That's like, all right, you, there's a challenge in your life, like get divorced, and that's gonna-

Aaron Doughty 46:28 Right

Lewis Howes 46:28 ... solve it. I don't think that's it, but also my parents were, it, you know, the memories that I have-

Aaron Doughty 46:34 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 46:35 ... are more that they were not happy than they were happy, right?

Aaron Doughty 46:37 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 46:37 And, and there was more dark times than there were positive. It doesn't mean there weren't also positive times, but-

Aaron Doughty 46:43 Yeah

Lewis Howes 46:43 ... all I remember thinking about is, I wish they were divorced.

Aaron Doughty 46:45 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 46:45 Constantly. Like, they should have got divorced years ago. It was just like this feeling like, ugh, it doesn't feel emotionally safe.

Aaron Doughty 46:52 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 46:53 They didn't have the tools also, but... And when they finally got divorced, I was 16, and it was like-

Aaron Doughty 46:58 Mm

Lewis Howes 46:58 ... there was a sense of relief, but also like resentment that they didn't do it sooner.

Aaron Doughty 47:02 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:02 So I kind of like hated them both for a while.

Aaron Doughty 47:04 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:04 I'm mad at both of them. I was like, why'd you guys put us through all this crap-

Aaron Doughty 47:07 Yeah

Lewis Howes 47:08 ... trying to keep it together when we're all messed up now? You know what I mean? [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 47:11 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:11 It's like, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 47:12 It's funny how y- either side, because I, I used to-

Lewis Howes 47:14 Can't win either way, right?

Aaron Doughty 47:15 Yeah, I think, I think for myself I felt growing up I had some friends that like had their same mom, same dad, like together, and I'd always feel a little bit like jealous of that.

Lewis Howes 47:25 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 47:25 And then I remember talking to certain friends, and they're like, "Trust me-

Lewis Howes 47:28 It's not that great. Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 47:29 ... sometimes it's not, you know? Sometimes it is." But it, it was like it's interesting 'cause either side you can see people can have like a trauma from that because either they, the divorce caused trauma or parents staying together caused trauma, you know?

Lewis Howes 47:42 Yeah, man.

Aaron Doughty 47:42 Like either way we're learning and learning to heal the unresolved stuff inside of ourself.

Lewis Howes 47:48 Yes. Wow, so that, those experiences of you healing-

Aaron Doughty 47:51 Yeah

Lewis Howes 47:52 ... as a child were an awakening for you.

Aaron Doughty 47:54 Yeah, so the, the, the final part I'll share with that family constellation thing that'll kind of put a cherry on top of it was what I did at the very end of that is she had me do something that like I, it was kind of cheesy to do, but the woman that was playing my mom I like-

Lewis Howes 48:10 Embraced?

Aaron Doughty 48:11 Kind of. Like, I laid on her l- almost like lap, like on this floor.

Lewis Howes 48:14 Oh.

Aaron Doughty 48:14 It was this kind of like... On the outside looking in it was very cheesy to see.

Lewis Howes 48:18 Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 48:18 But in that moment it was like there was, there was like cry, it was almost like-

Lewis Howes 48:23 Oh, I'm sorry

Aaron Doughty 48:24 ... connecting to an energy again of really being nurtured.

Lewis Howes 48:26 I'm sorry.

Aaron Doughty 48:26 She was like rubbing my hair and stuff. Um, and it looked so cheesy from the outside looking in, but in the experience of it, there was like this sharp pain in my heart.

Lewis Howes 48:37 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 48:37 Even though it was like an unconditionally loving experience, I recognized that that sharp pain in my heart was like the fear to be unconditionally loved.

Lewis Howes 48:46 Oh.

Aaron Doughty 48:47 Because pain came with that in some way as a kid.

Lewis Howes 48:52 So had you never felt unconditionally loved?

Aaron Doughty 48:54 I, I'd felt, I think that at times when that feeling would start to come up, it's like it would kind of get put to the side or something like that. Like, I, I feel like even in my life at that moment, like I, I loved my life. I was doing what I loved for a living. I had positive relationships in my life, but there was a certain level of surrender that I never allowed myself to really get to.

Lewis Howes 49:17 That you did in that moment.

Aaron Doughty 49:18 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 49:18 You surrendered then.

Aaron Doughty 49:20 And, and I'll say one other thing that this led to later that is the power of breathwork, was that years later I got certified in a breathwork process, and in a breathwork ceremony where I was c- I was getting certified, there was a, uh, woman that was in front of me that was, that was basically releasing, and in that moment it was like my, my trauma up until that moment was that I had trouble accessing sadness and crying. So like I have a, my best friend, he like can cry on a dime. He's got kids, and I'm like, "I wish I could cry that easily," you know? And I'm like I, I feel like I only cry on certain movies. Like it was this thing where I'd recognize that like it was harder emotion for me to tap into. And in this breathwork ceremony that I had to go through a few times to get certified in before I, I learned how to do the process, I start releasing on one of the breath- like the, the rounds of breathwork, and someone comes over to me and they say, one of the practitioners says, "It's okay to feel." Says, "It's okay to feel, dog."

Lewis Howes 50:19 And then you were like, "Ah." [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 50:21 And then, and then I started to.

Lewis Howes 50:23 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 50:23 And then I start hyperventilating, and it's like, it's almost like I'm crying, but there are no tears.

Lewis Howes 50:28 Oh, no.

Aaron Doughty 50:28 And then I was like, uh, more shame.

Lewis Howes 50:30 Right.

Aaron Doughty 50:30 'Cause I'm like, "See?"

Lewis Howes 50:31 Why can't I release this? What's wrong with me?

Aaron Doughty 50:32 Yeah. So then I'm like beating myself up.

Lewis Howes 50:35 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 50:35 But then what happens is that woman that was diagonally in front of me, she starts to release a scream that I knew was connected to the same type of trauma that my, my mom had. And in that moment I could feel the connection to my mom. My mom was alive at the time that I did this. Um, I could feel the connection to my mom, and then it just w- I just started bawling. There were tears in my ears 'cause lying on the floor there.

Lewis Howes 51:03 [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 51:03 It was like I was drenched.

Lewis Howes 51:05 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 51:06 And in that moment there was a whole new level of emotional availability that came at my... that came up, and it was like my whole life transformed.

Lewis Howes 51:15 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 51:16 I was in a relationship at the time. That relationship actually ended because of some things that happened, but it happened like literally within a day of this happening. It was an out of alignment relationship.

Lewis Howes 51:26 It became clear. You're like-

Aaron Doughty 51:27 Yep

Lewis Howes 51:27 ... I'm not meant to force this anymore.

Aaron Doughty 51:29 Yep. And, and now, and now I was more emotionally present. I was more in tune with my emotions, but the, the lesson of it is that energy, that trauma wasn't even something I understood, and it may have not even been my own.

Lewis Howes 51:44 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 51:44 It was connected, it may have been connected to a certain type of trauma that my mom had, and through... And that's why bottom up approaches are so powerful with healing, something like breathwork. Because you don't have to understand the pattern and the intellect and all of this stuff. You can just feel it, release it-

Lewis Howes 52:03 Mm

Aaron Doughty 52:03 ... and then you feel lighter. And then you'll, you c- you carry yourself a different way. Because now there's not that unresolved trauma and energy inside of your body, there's not as much a need to attract people into your life to replay that dynamic to heal it. Because the truth is, we attract people into our life that are helping us play out the unresolved childhood energy.

Lewis Howes 52:26 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 52:26 So if as a kid you never were encouraged to be an individual in your own power, you will probably give your power away and attract people into your life that have strong frames of reality. They are trying to subconsciously get you to take your power back, and that is trying to resolve itself inside of you. So when people attract a narcissistic person or a controlling person, it's like, well, what is that person teaching you? Are they teaching you to say no and stand up for yourself?

Lewis Howes 52:55 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 52:55 Are they teaching you that it's not your job to fix them? Are they teaching you that it's okay to be in your own frame, and even though they're really hard to please, maybe it's just helping you to say no?

Lewis Howes 53:05 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 53:06 So it's like there's always some energy to learn from the, the people that we surround ourselves with in our life, and the key is also taking the story back from it's them. Because a lot of times empaths or people that attract narcissists, it's, it, they get stuck in the

Aaron Doughty 53:23 story.

Lewis Howes 53:23 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 53:23 Like, "I am an empath, and I feel people's emotions, and they are controlling narcissistic vampires." But that, that, not that that might not be true, but the key is like, okay, but that story, why might, it might give you payoffs that justify childhood, it'll keep you stuck unless you actually-

Lewis Howes 53:42 Mm

Aaron Doughty 53:42 ... do something about it. That might mean seeing, hearing, soothing, nurture the inner child part of you that is trying to get validation and approval from that person.

Lewis Howes 53:52 And give it to yourself first.

Aaron Doughty 53:53 And give it to yourself. And that might mean standing up for yourself and developing a new relationship to tension.

Lewis Howes 53:58 Oof.

Aaron Doughty 53:59 So your... The, the, the narcissistic, controlling person is in your life to help you learn how to stand inside of yourself and to not need to engage with that energy, and that's a perfect mirror for someone that's learning, for someone that's helping you to learn how to stand up for yourself. Now, it doesn't mean you need to stay in it-

Lewis Howes 54:16 Right

Aaron Doughty 54:16 ... and to stay in some abusive relationship by any means, but to take ownership of the pattern and recognize that when there's red flags there, there's something that normally the healthy part of you would see that would say no, but you see it and you tolerate it. And the reason you might tolerate it is because it feels familiar to childhood, and subconsciously you're hoping to get something from it that can close the loop from childhood.

Lewis Howes 54:41 You're hoping to fix it or something else.

Aaron Doughty 54:42 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 54:42 Right?

Aaron Doughty 54:43 Fix it. You're the only... It's also codependency sometimes.

Lewis Howes 54:46 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 54:46 'Cause who else is gonna be so present for the narcissistic, controlling person, you know? So, like, they'll need you. And it just-

Lewis Howes 54:53 Man

Aaron Doughty 54:53 ... that, that pattern just might feel familiar.

Lewis Howes 54:55 Dr. Tara Swart has said on this show that we attract people based on the psychological wound that we have-

Aaron Doughty 55:01 Yeah

Lewis Howes 55:01 ... in our childhood.

Aaron Doughty 55:02 Yeah

Lewis Howes 55:03 You kinda said something similar there.

Aaron Doughty 55:04 100%, I agree with that.

Lewis Howes 55:06 Who do we start to attract in our life once we remember that we are whole and complete and heal the wounds of our childhood?

Aaron Doughty 55:15 You normally, normally the first thing that will happen is certain relationships in your life will start to reform. Because the people pleaser part of you or the self, the self-independent, self-reliant part of you, all of a sudden you relate to yourself differently now, and now it's like a whole new world. So you'll find yourself redefining your relationships in your life first.

Lewis Howes 55:39 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 55:39 And that can come with a little bit of fear, because then you'll be afraid that you're gonna lose the people that are already in your life. So normally for a while it's kind of like, it's kind of like a murky area where you kind of go back and forth because, um, you still for a while might attract an echo of the past. And maybe when you attract the echo-

Lewis Howes 56:01 It's like, it's like a test

Aaron Doughty 56:02 ... it, it can be like a test, and you then have the choice, whereas before you let the controlling person in, and then you were in a two-year relationship. Maybe now-

Lewis Howes 56:11 [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 56:11 ... instead of seeing the person come in-

Lewis Howes 56:13 Oh, yeah

Aaron Doughty 56:13 ... and then instead of saying yes, you say, "Oh, actually, I'm aware of that pattern," and you say, "I'm not going to, I'm not gonna keep... This is a red flag-"

Lewis Howes 56:21 Yes

Aaron Doughty 56:21 ... "not a red rose."

Lewis Howes 56:22 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 56:22 So then you say no to it. So it's like you catch yourself. Instead of beating up the story and being like, "See, I'm still attracting the old." Um, part of the thing I'll say, too, that will really help is I remember when I went through my spiritual awakening back in the day in 2012, it completely changed my life, and it changed a lot of the way I related to myself. For a while, I felt like people didn't really understand me, and because of that, I developed a belief that I'm alone in this journey.

Lewis Howes 56:51 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 56:51 And my friends, you know, you think that your friends are gonna be on board or they're gonna be super into what you're into.

Lewis Howes 56:57 They're not. They're not 'cause you're, like, killing off the person they once knew.

Aaron Doughty 57:00 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 57:01 In a sense.

Aaron Doughty 57:01 100%, yep. And, and so what happens is-

Lewis Howes 57:04 It's scary. It can be scary, too. Yeah

Aaron Doughty 57:05 ... 'cause you feel like you're losing people in your life, but then you might develop a belief that, like, "There's not a lot of people out there like me." And what I had to become aware of were my beliefs about people, my beliefs about whether there are people out there like me. And what I had to instead focus on is focus on being the most authentic me, and if there's fear or doubt or imposter syndrome, having the fear to break through that, to become the version of me that I've become, where I'm, you know, running live events or making videos, et cetera, from that 9:00 to 5:00 job that I had. There was a shift in identity that I had to, I had to have, and becoming that person then became the beacon for the new people to come into my life. So what I recommend to a lot of people that are breaking their patterns is focus on being that version of you, enjoying the process, but also allowing something greater than you to flow through.

Lewis Howes 58:02 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 58:03 Allowing God to flow through you.

Lewis Howes 58:04 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 58:05 I believe that every one of us-

Lewis Howes 58:07 Let's go.

Aaron Doughty 58:07 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 58:09 Let's go. [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 58:10 I believe, I believe that we're all vessels of the divine.

Lewis Howes 58:13 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 58:13 And it's why it feels good to add value to people.

Lewis Howes 58:17 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 58:17 It's why it feels good to, to, to help people, not maybe from a codependent place-

Lewis Howes 58:21 Yeah

Aaron Doughty 58:22 ... but from a place of, like, adding value. And I believe that when we're trying to manage, like, who comes into our life and when, it's kind of like we're stealing some of the show from God in a way. It's like God wants to flow through, wants to bring things to us, but it depends on how much we can become a vessel for an energy that's greater than ourselves. And any- the more we can remember that our goal is to get into a flow state, our goal is to follow our passion, our goal is to have fun-

Lewis Howes 58:54 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 58:54 ... our follow, our, our goal is to, like, follow that energy, you then realize that all this other stuff is egoic mind stuff that's trying to manage from survival mode. And one of the things to realize is even thinking itself may be a form of survival. Like, thinking, when you are present to the moment, like, I know you, you, you know, think of Kobe Bryant.

Lewis Howes 59:16 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 59:16 Right? The great, one of the greatest to ever do it.

Lewis Howes 59:19 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 59:19 When he's in a game-winning moment and he's making a shot, do you think there's any thought going through his mind whatsoever?

Lewis Howes 59:28 No.

Aaron Doughty 59:28 No.

Lewis Howes 59:28 He's just trying to, trying to score.

Aaron Doughty 59:29 He's present to the moment.

Lewis Howes 59:30 Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 59:30 He's present to the moment, and it's like it's an energy you kind of surrender to.

Lewis Howes 59:34 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 59:35 So when you think of anything that you've done, you know, you know when you're speaking on stage in front of, like, thousands of people. When you make it about them, and you're okay if you mess up or you say um or uh because you know you're being authentic and it's not about you, it's about them, something greater flows through. So it's about remembering also the analogy similar, can you make a plant grow? And when you really think about that, when you think of people, it's like, "Well, I can manifest, or I can manifest a plant to grow faster." It's like, well, you can set up the conditions for the plant to grow. You can put it in the sun. You can water it. But what makes the plant actually grow? God does that. It, its natural intelligence does that. And the challenge in manifestation, I think for many of us that learn, it's almost like there's a certain stage of awareness you get to when you learn that there's a correlation between what you think and what you experience, and that's when it's the empowerment phase, right? It's like, "I'm gonna create my own reality. I'm gonna think it, I'm gonna feel it, and I'm gonna take action, and then I'm gonna experience it," which it's like it's gonna be the known because I know it inside of myself, and then I know it 'cause I see it outside of myself, so it's like the known, the known, the known. I have safety because I'm the one that did it. But a deeper element than even that- ... is realizing that in the unknown is where God is

Lewis Howes 1:00:57 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:00:58 In the unknown is where things that are even beyond what your ego can imagine. And the ego wants to do that a lot of times, I believe, when we think about the people that get into manifestation, a lot of it might be also that in childhood it didn't feel safe to be playing in the sandbox. It didn't feel safe to just be. So instead, trauma, something happened in the external. Who do I need to be? All the stuff we've been talking about, right? But then it becomes a very sexy idea that I can think about what I want, I can feel what I want, and then I can experience what I want. It's a certain level, I believe, that's very powerful, but I believe there's a level above that.

Lewis Howes 1:01:38 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:01:38 And that that level above that is divine surrender.

Lewis Howes 1:01:41 What does that look like? What is the old way of manifestation versus the divine surrender way of manifestation?

Aaron Doughty 1:01:48 It's focusing on not giving the ego the credit for what's created, for recognizing that what the mind can do is the mind is a tool that can get you to visualize. The purpose of visualization is that when you visualize you can feel it before it happens. It's a tool, but what you visualize many times will be a limit. The ceiling of your ego's best visualization is the floor to your higher mind.

Lewis Howes 1:02:20 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:02:21 So when you think about it-

Lewis Howes 1:02:22 Interesting. Want to say that one more time?

Aaron Doughty 1:02:24 The ceiling to your ego's best case scenario and visualization-

Lewis Howes 1:02:28 Like, your dream li- your dream life

Aaron Doughty 1:02:30 ... yeah, it's the floor to your higher mind.

Lewis Howes 1:02:33 [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 1:02:34 So it's the floor-

Lewis Howes 1:02:34 So what's available at the floor and above of your higher mind?

Aaron Doughty 1:02:39 God.

Lewis Howes 1:02:40 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:02:40 The unknown. Surrendering to something greater than you.

Lewis Howes 1:02:43 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:02:43 And when you focus instead on that energy, that's when you're really more free-

Lewis Howes 1:02:49 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:02:49 ... because you're not in the survival trying to manage things. Like, this level, I call it like, I call it the awakening after the awakening. So, uh, I call it the second awakening is what I call it.

Lewis Howes 1:03:00 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:03:00 The first awakening, so think about it like this, there's people that have a spiritual awakening. You become aware that you're an eternal spiritual being living a temporary human experience.

Lewis Howes 1:03:09 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:03:10 You become aware that you, there's a correlation between what you think, what you experience, the actions you take. It's all exciting, right? So you start creating your own reality.

Lewis Howes 1:03:18 You become aware of your own awareness.

Aaron Doughty 1:03:20 Yes. And you, and you're aware that, like, you wanna direct it-

Lewis Howes 1:03:23 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:03:23 ... 'cause you don't wanna be at the victim of everything.

Lewis Howes 1:03:25 Yeah, you don't wanna be responding to things, you wanna be-

Aaron Doughty 1:03:28 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:03:28 ... directing it. And I guess you don't wanna be reacting, you wanna be responding.

Aaron Doughty 1:03:31 Here's the thing. The pattern many times is what people manifest from. So think about this. A people pleaser wants to, has a people pleasing pattern, right? They're not a people pleaser-

Lewis Howes 1:03:43 Yes

Aaron Doughty 1:03:43 ... but they have a pattern of people pleasing.

Lewis Howes 1:03:45 I've experienced a pattern of this, yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:03:47 Yes. And they may want to manifest a big following on social media, they may wanna help a lot of people, XYZ. The thing is, is all well and good. Their mind can think about it, their mind can feel it, their mind can try to experience it. It's still the pattern trying to mitigate the nervous system from the pattern.

Lewis Howes 1:04:07 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:04:07 And the thing is, is you can't actually change the pattern from the level of the pattern. So for example, let's imagine you have a judgmental part of yourself, and you become aware of it, and you're like, "Oh, this judgmental part of me, I'm probably this way because my parents were highly criticizing as a kid."

Lewis Howes 1:04:25 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:04:25 "So now I judge myself." What is the first thing you do when you talk to that part of yourself?

Lewis Howes 1:04:29 Judge it.

Aaron Doughty 1:04:30 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:04:30 Yeah [laughs] .

Aaron Doughty 1:04:31 So you judge it, and then, and then so the key many times for this layer of healing is you actually learn to accept the judge. You actually learn to accept the people pleaser. You accept and you recognize that these, this, this part of you got you to where you are now-

Lewis Howes 1:04:48 Yes

Aaron Doughty 1:04:48 ... and that creates a lot more peace inside of yourself because no longer are you at war with yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:04:54 You don't have to beat yourself up for the years of living this way.

Aaron Doughty 1:04:56 Exactly. Exactly. So then in this second layer of, "I create my own reality and I'm going to manifest, and I'm gonna-

Lewis Howes 1:05:04 So that's the first level of awakening.

Aaron Doughty 1:05:05 It's the first level.

Lewis Howes 1:05:07 And then the second level.

Aaron Doughty 1:05:08 The second level is where it's on the other side of the pattern, where there's a more heavy focus on becoming the love, becoming the truth. This is more like, if you think about it, think of codependency, independency, interdependency. So codependency is like I'm an empath that can feel other people's energies and I'm trying to play this out with a controlling person. Like, that's like we're, they're the problem. It's a lot of codependent energy. Then you get into a level of independence. This is more self reliance. I don't need no man or woman, I do it myself. I'm gonna create success. I don't need anybody else. Very empowering place to be. It's where a lot of self-development lives as well. It's like I'm going to create and I'm going to, like, direct my life-

Lewis Howes 1:05:55 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:05:55 ... so that I'm not a, a leaf in the, I'm not a leaf in the wind, I'm, uh, like, I have an influence.

Lewis Howes 1:06:01 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:06:02 The challenge is at this level, it's, that you can get stuck here, because it's still coming from the level of the ego-

Lewis Howes 1:06:10 Yes

Aaron Doughty 1:06:10 ... and you're still trying to attain something to get somewhere you aren't currently right now.

Lewis Howes 1:06:14 There's a, yeah, there's, you're detached from a result-

Aaron Doughty 1:06:17 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:06:17 ... that you want.

Aaron Doughty 1:06:18 And it's not here. So, like-

Lewis Howes 1:06:19 It's not here now. Yes

Aaron Doughty 1:06:20 ... exactly, and that's the major thing with, with, with manifestation in general, is it's like this moment's not okay right here, but if I can visualize it and feel it, then I'll experience it over there, and I gotta feel it now. So it's this whole almost, like, agenda to get somewhere where you're not already.

Lewis Howes 1:06:35 To accomplish something or have something you don't have.

Aaron Doughty 1:06:38 Exactly. And the level above this that I'm r- alluding to is when you learn to fall in love with the process, when you learn to have fun in the process, when you learn that you can become-

Lewis Howes 1:06:51 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:06:51 ... the version of you that is in love with life, the version of you that's committed to truth, when you recognize that everybody around you is a reflection of your relationship to self, it's when you focus on becoming and embodying that- ... God energy that we're all connected to. And when we begin to tap into that level of presence, we don't need to have the vision board and to do all of these things from the level of the ego. I'd say, like, think of thinking is like a survival mechanism thing. When you're present to the moment, you're not thinking. So when you're present to the moment and you're in the flow, it's more fun, you're more magnetic.

Lewis Howes 1:07:34 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:07:34 You don't have an agenda, and the energy of not having an agenda is extraordinarily magnetic.

Lewis Howes 1:07:41 What if you have a goal still in your life? What if you do have an agenda because-

Aaron Doughty 1:07:44 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:07:44 ... you're like, "Well, I wanna make money-

Aaron Doughty 1:07:46 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:07:46 ... and I wanna get a home, and I wanna, you know, accomplish this goal that I have." How do you detach from the-

Aaron Doughty 1:07:52 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:07:52 ... the, the direction you wanna go towards your life-

Aaron Doughty 1:07:56 Yep

Lewis Howes 1:07:56 ... rather than just being a leaf in the wind that, "Take me wherever you want to," and you, "Okay, I have a clear vision of what I still wanna have for myself, but how do I be detached from forcing it-

Aaron Doughty 1:08:07 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:08:07 ... and allowing it, or potentially something greater?"

Aaron Doughty 1:08:10 Yeah. Yeah, it's a great question, and the, the way that I relate to this is in a quick little story I'll share, um, where I learned a lot back when I first was learning about the law of attraction and surrender and all this stuff, was when I had my 9:00 to 5:00 job selling women's shoes at Barneys New York in Vegas. And every day I went in, and it was a commission-based job, and you started at zero. And when I'd go in every day, I could see the difference between having a very concrete goal and having, uh, like an intention for the day, and then going into work, and then helping customers. I could see what results that got me versus a different energy. So I'll, I'll explain the two energies.

Aaron Doughty 1:08:49 One energy is I go into work to sell shoes, and when I get there, I wanna sell $4,000 worth of shoes today because that means I made $400 and that was a decent day, right? Every customer I help is a means to my end. I am helping them because they are gonna help me make my goal. So if I have a customer I don't think is gonna buy, I get kind of antsy and I'm like-

Lewis Howes 1:09:12 Oh, wow

Aaron Doughty 1:09:12 ... and then I'm only greeting certain customers I think might wanna buy. So it's like this whole thing that's like I'm trying to control. And what I'd recognize, those da- days weren't so fun. There was an attachment to outcome, and I would not have the best days, and it felt like, it felt like force. Then what I would do is I tested it, and instead I would go into work with the intention of having fun.

Lewis Howes 1:09:36 Just that's it.

Aaron Doughty 1:09:37 I was-

Lewis Howes 1:09:37 How do I have the most fun?

Aaron Doughty 1:09:38 How do I have more fun than anyone else? How do I show my personality? I'm helping these people. Like back in the day it was, these people were like super rich, and here I am selling shoes. There's... Put them on a pedestal, right? I'm like, "No, I'm gonna show my personality. I'm gonna have fun and I'm gonna add value." In the background I'm like, "It'd be cool to sell that much amount, but I'm gonna, I'm not gonna have that. I'm just gonna have fun with it." So I would go into work and I would add value, I would have fun, I'd have the courage to like show them other things that maybe they didn't ask for that I thought they would genuinely like, and those were the best days. And what I learned from that is it's not just the goal that you have, it's the way in which you go about achieving that goal that makes the difference. It's the energy under the surface. So I'll also give you one more quick example. I run live events now. When I'm running a live event, um, the way that I create content nowadays is like a mix of stuff like this, stuff like, uh, running live events, et cetera. If I go in to run a live event and my purpose of that live event is, "I wanna get some epic content for social media," doesn't work.

Lewis Howes 1:10:46 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:10:46 It's not, it's not great content, and it takes my attention away from what it should really be there to do. When I go into a live event and my sole focus is on having fun and helping people transform, all of that comes anyways, but I can feel in my body the difference between doing it to have fun and doing it to get a specific result. And you could say even the transformation's a result, but the transformation of the customer is a win-win because they also want that.

Lewis Howes 1:11:14 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:11:15 Whereas if I'm trying to sell you shoes and I want you to buy the shoes that might not be best for you but I then make my paycheck, that's a win-lose. A win-win is when you become a vessel for something greater than you. So I was telling you before we started this podcast, the live events I run, I'll go eight hours a day speaking sometimes three days in a row with hot seat coaching, and it's something that just in the present moment it happens. It's energy flows through. It's very hard to explain, and but it's, it's because you can become a vessel to something greater than yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:11:46 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:11:47 And I, I've done it before where I have an agenda of the things I wanna talk about, and that makes it to where it's very muddied up, you know? Um, it's, it's more so about the present moment, having fun, falling in love with the process, realizing that this is where the gold is. And the more you can enjoy the present moment, have fun, yes you can still have the goals in the background, but you focus on your connection to the divine and letting something greater than you flow through, that's where you'll be surprised. And it won't come from giving the credit to the ego to say, "I manifested this." I view my YouTube channel as a gift. It is a gift that like the... What I've been able to grow in my life is a gift that has come from being a vessel to something greater than myself, and I try my best. I still have a shadow. I still have things I become aware of inside of myself, but I do my best not to let myself be the one that thinks I did all of this because then that comes with the notion of if things do go well or don't go well, it comes with the other side of that.

Lewis Howes 1:12:48 Sure.

Aaron Doughty 1:12:48 But also it comes from, I believe, like a misconstrued perspective of like what's really going on with what makes the plant grow.

Lewis Howes 1:12:56 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:12:56 And as long as I'm willing to become a vessel, and everyone here, you don't have to be on YouTube or be doing the kind of work that we're doing to do that. You can get into a flow state doing anything.

Lewis Howes 1:13:06 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:13:07 And by being present to the moment and caring about other people. You can do it in a, that 9:00 to 5:00 job I had. I was able to do that at times where I really popped into that flow state. And the people that were the top salespeople that I worked with that did it for 20 years, they loved it.

Lewis Howes 1:13:20 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:13:20 They were in a flow state. It was their life. And then the other people that didn't like being there, they didn't do as well. Like, that's, that's something I always tune myself more to, uh, more to now. But that divine surrender is where I've had to become aware that the level under it can be somewhat of a level of grandiosity-

Lewis Howes 1:13:39 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:13:39 ... under the surface if n- if unchecked. Because it's like I imagined it, I visualized it-

Lewis Howes 1:13:44 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:13:44 ... I experienced it because I created the safety, but it's really safety of creating the familiar from the level of the pattern. And when you go beyond the pattern and you get into the present moment, that's when the divine can run through. So now in my own life, it's like running, I'm... It, it doesn't make sense some of the things I'm really leaning into my life because I've created so much success off just YouTube, but it's like that energy of running live events, of doing the things I'm passionate about, is the energy of when I'm in, other things happen. Like podcasts like this. Other things come into my awareness when I'm in that energy, and it's very interesting because it's like it's a different way to look at it.

Lewis Howes 1:14:24 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:14:24 Instead of how do I get these things, how do I get in that energy?

Lewis Howes 1:14:27 Right.

Aaron Doughty 1:14:27 How do I find flow? How do I fall in love with the process? How do I follow my purpose and my passion? How do I become more vulnerable and expressive? And these are things that I think stem into more love-

Lewis Howes 1:14:39 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:14:39 ... and connection and all of that.

Lewis Howes 1:14:41 So if you're getting ready for an event or a project or a meeting or something-

Aaron Doughty 1:14:46 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:14:46 ... um, or you're hosting an event, what is the process for you to get out of your head and into divine flow? Is it the day before? Is it an hour before? Is it a moment for you on stage or at the meeting, or whatever it might be? Like-

Aaron Doughty 1:15:00 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:15:00 ... is there something you think? Is it something you let go of? Is it something that... Is it a breath technique? What is the process?

Aaron Doughty 1:15:06 For me, the process is being present with whatever comes up. So if nerves come up, to welcome those nerves. And what I found is through the repetition of running live events, the very beginning when I first started running live events, there were a lot of nerves. Then I did it more and more, and then I did, I, I did so many that it was like there were less nerves. Then I started doing hot seat coaching at live events where I coach-

Lewis Howes 1:15:28 Yeah. Ooh

Aaron Doughty 1:15:28 ... people in front of a group and, like, you don't know where it's gonna go. Same thing. Nerves would come up. I'd focus on rec- recognizing that one of the reason the nerves are coming up is simply because that energy is unfamiliar, and recognizing that the more repetitions I put in, the more comfortable I get with the energy. So I actually embrace the emotion knowing that one day those nerves won't be there. Like, I'm at a stage now where I ran an event a couple weeks ago, and it was weird because I'm like, there are zero, like zero nerves going on stage at all.

Lewis Howes 1:16:04 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:16:04 And, and I'm sure there will be. Maybe it's like if there were more people in the crowd maybe the nerves would come back. Like, who knows? But I, I recognize that, like, oh, the nerves are a good thing. The nerves are a sign that say you're making this new version of you more familiar.

Lewis Howes 1:16:20 Uh-huh.

Aaron Doughty 1:16:21 So you're... It's, it's a good sign. It's not a bad thing. So instead of a survival mechanism of I need to get the nerves to go away, how can you be more present with the nerves? And what I've learned is, especially when in a live event, if I can slow things down and be present and have more silences when I'm speaking, it's so much more powerful. And s- through that energy is where the aliveness, the presence flows, and that, that's been a game changer.

Lewis Howes 1:16:50 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:16:51 So I have these tools where I know that if I wanna shift the energy of a room at all, I just have to slow down, be more present with what I'm feeling.

Lewis Howes 1:16:58 Pause, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:16:59 Pause, accept the emotions. Um-

Lewis Howes 1:17:02 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:17:02 ... but recognizing the nerves, it's like it's the, it's the, the ego's, mind's way of trying to m- manage the situation.

Lewis Howes 1:17:08 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:17:08 I d- acknowledge that part of myself, and then recognize that, like, one day I'll probably miss that.

Lewis Howes 1:17:14 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:17:14 Because eventually, you, y- I'm sure the first time you were doing this podcast there were nerves before certain-

Lewis Howes 1:17:19 Absolutely

Aaron Doughty 1:17:19 ... guests that come on.

Lewis Howes 1:17:20 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:17:21 Now you've, you've put in so many reps that it's probably kinda like what it... it's like, it's more normal.

Lewis Howes 1:17:25 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:17:25 You know?

Lewis Howes 1:17:25 Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:17:26 Um, so yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:17:27 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:17:27 So it's like kind of a similar type ener- way I relate to it.

Lewis Howes 1:17:30 There's something you said earlier about this rescue energy

Lewis Howes 1:17:34 that sometimes people might have.

Aaron Doughty 1:17:35 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:17:35 Like they're trying to rescue people. Where does this desire to fix or rescue another human being, typically in romantic relationships, come from? Is it all stemmed from-

Aaron Doughty 1:17:47 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:17:47 ... a behavior that they witnessed that they're now modeling, or is it from the need to fix a parent wound-

Aaron Doughty 1:17:55 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:17:56 ... in an adult relationship?

Aaron Doughty 1:17:58 Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's very spot on. Um, when you think of the rescuer dynamic, think of it like the-

Lewis Howes 1:18:04 The, the victim and the rescuer, right?

Aaron Doughty 1:18:06 Yes. The victim, the rescuer, and the perpetrator. The triangle.

Lewis Howes 1:18:09 Uh-huh.

Aaron Doughty 1:18:09 So what happens-

Lewis Howes 1:18:10 Ah

Aaron Doughty 1:18:11 ... is the rescuer, it feels safer, it feels safer to be in the rescuer dynamic to be, than to be in the victim dynamic. So as a rescuer dynamic as a kid, you may have been trying to rescue mom and dad or your siblings, and you may have been trying to fix them, and part of that was that was what you believed your role was. So it may be coming from a past childhood energy where subconsciously if I can fix mom and dad, I will then be whole and complete. So as an adult-

Lewis Howes 1:18:43 Or I'll be safe

Aaron Doughty 1:18:44 ... or I'll be safe.

Lewis Howes 1:18:45 Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:18:46 And as an adult now, that may be a pattern that's familiar.

Lewis Howes 1:18:49 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:18:50 And then you're trying to fix your partner because if you could fix them, help them, whatever, then you can feel good about yourself, and rescuers will either att- will either attract a perpetrator or a victim normally. And th- and here's the thing. When rescuers stop being a rescuer and they get more centered inside of themselves, they then will start to look like a perpetrator to the v- uh, the victim because they're no longer saving them.

Lewis Howes 1:19:15 Right. That's so interesting.

Aaron Doughty 1:19:17 And that, the rescuer normally had a perpetrator in their life, that dynamic, when they were growing up. For me, it was an ex-stepmom energy, and it was like, "I don't wanna be anything like her." And I, as a kid, had to please in order to feel safe. "I don't wanna be like her, and she had a lot of anger, so I don't want any of that, so I'm instead gonna be the rescuer."

Lewis Howes 1:19:38 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:19:39 So I had to, years ago, go... Moving into this energy, I had to be okay with being seen as the bad guy.

Lewis Howes 1:19:46 Phew.

Aaron Doughty 1:19:46 Because certain people that normally I would fix-

Lewis Howes 1:19:49 Ugh

Aaron Doughty 1:19:49 ... their situations, I would give them money, I would do whatever, all of a sudden I am now more of a, of a perpetrator in that eye.

Lewis Howes 1:19:57 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:19:57 And you don't wanna be a perpetrator when you experience that growing up.

Lewis Howes 1:20:00 No.

Aaron Doughty 1:20:01 The thing is-

Lewis Howes 1:20:01 So you feel bad and-

Aaron Doughty 1:20:02 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:20:03 ... in the beginning.

Aaron Doughty 1:20:04 Yep.

Lewis Howes 1:20:04 And you almost revert back to, like, okay, but then it just, you get beaten down over-

Aaron Doughty 1:20:10 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:20:10 ... and over again. [laughs] Man, it's exhausting.

Aaron Doughty 1:20:12 Yeah, it is, and, and that's why moving into the center of the triangle.

Lewis Howes 1:20:16 Oh.

Aaron Doughty 1:20:16 You don't move... You're, you will be perceived as a perpetrator, but you're not. You will, you instead are being authentic.

Lewis Howes 1:20:23 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:20:23 You are standing your frame, your ground.

Lewis Howes 1:20:25 Creating boundaries, yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:20:26 Creating boundaries, not fixing other people. That's not a perpetrator. That's, that's you being centered and a, an individualized human being.

Lewis Howes 1:20:34 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:20:35 And that's, a lot of times, I think what's missing is, like, being able to move into these dynamics is you have to be okay with being misunderstood, you have to be okay with rerouting certain dynamics, and you have to be okay with understanding that it's gonna feel unfamiliar for a while.

Lewis Howes 1:20:50 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:20:51 You're gonna have to sit with tension as they feel tension. You're gonna have to be seen as a certain way.

Lewis Howes 1:20:55 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:20:56 But that tension is your initiation into the you that is an integrated human being and without the pattern.

Lewis Howes 1:21:04 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:21:05 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:21:06 If someone is stuck in the vibration of waiting-

Aaron Doughty 1:21:09 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:21:10 ... what's the first thing they should be doing to get started to achieving their goals?

Aaron Doughty 1:21:16 Yeah, the vibration of waiting is what a lot of people do when we're also manifesting, right? 'Cause I'm gonna manifest and think about it, and then I'm gonna experience it, but it's waiting. It's waiting.

Lewis Howes 1:21:26 It's being patient. Yeah, you gotta be patient sometimes.

Aaron Doughty 1:21:28 Yeah. And, and what I say-

Lewis Howes 1:21:30 And we're like, "When's this gonna happen, though? I'm experiencing it."

Aaron Doughty 1:21:32 Yep.

Lewis Howes 1:21:32 "Why isn't it happening faster," right?

Aaron Doughty 1:21:34 Right, which is taking score, which is trying to... O- once again, the manifestation itself is a mechanism to get somewhere else. So the vibration of waiting-

Lewis Howes 1:21:43 Something that you're separate from.

Aaron Doughty 1:21:45 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:21:45 You don't have yet.

Aaron Doughty 1:21:46 Exactly. So the vibration of waiting and the vibration of being are two different vibrations.

Lewis Howes 1:21:53 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:21:53 They're two different energies. The vibration of wanting is also similar to the a- the, the energy of waiting 'cause if you're waiting, you're wanting. And when you want, you say, "I energetically lack."

Lewis Howes 1:22:04 I don't have.

Aaron Doughty 1:22:05 I don't have. And if you want it, you might want it because you believe if you have it, it will complete a part of you. Very often, people will be maybe going through a breakup, and they'll say, "When am I gonna attract this person?" or, "Why isn't this person coming back?" And what it's... The, the belief is, "If I have them back, then I'll feel different inside of my body."

Lewis Howes 1:22:27 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:22:28 So often, when people say they want to attract a specific person to their life, what they're subconsciously doing is they're trying to attract a specific pattern into their life, and that's where things get mixed up because that person is representative of a pattern, and if there's an unresolved pattern from the past, you're trying to pull it back.

Lewis Howes 1:22:48 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:22:48 So the waiting energy and the wanting energy is an energy and a way of trying to manipulate reality to be different so that you feel different on the inside. So instead, focus on being the version of you that is that passionate version of you. Focus on being it because it's who you choose to be, not 'cause of what it'll get you.

Lewis Howes 1:23:12 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:23:12 That's the difference. So being in that energy shifts everything. Back in 2017, before I got on YouTube, I changed my self-image.

Aaron Doughty 1:23:22 I realized I was being a nine-to-five job-goer. I would think thoughts equal to that reality. I would feel emotions equal to that reality. We would talk about how slow it was. Everything was an i-... When people say they're out of alignment, that's never true. You're always in alignment with something. You just might be in alignment with a part of you you don't prefer to actually be in.

Lewis Howes 1:23:45 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:23:46 So it kind of redefines it. So back in 2017, I was in alignment with the nine-to-five job I hated. I was waiting, and I wanted so bad to be a YouTuber, to, uh, not be working a nine-to-five job I hated, dealing with corporate politics. And one of the things I recognized as part of my self-image was that I am a nine-to-five job-goer. That was part of my self-image. And even then, it was slowly... Shortly after I read the book Psycho-Cybernetics, which I know you've probably heard of, and our s- our internal self-image is very powerful.

Lewis Howes 1:24:18 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:24:19 I recognized that my self-image was that I work a nine-to-five sales job selling women's shoes, and what I recognized is that I realized I saw myself as a mediocre sales employee. I was always right in the middle of the list 'cause you'd get, every day, the people, sales from the last day. I was always right in the middle. I was never at the bottom. I was never always at the top. And what I reali- realized is that my self-image is that I'm an average sales employee.

Lewis Howes 1:24:44 [inhales]

Aaron Doughty 1:24:45 So eventually what I did is I started to see myself as a top sales employee.

Lewis Howes 1:24:49 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:24:50 I started to be a top sales employee. This meant actually greeting every customer, not trying to select which customers were best. Profiling, they call it, trying to... Just people-

Lewis Howes 1:25:00 Yes

Aaron Doughty 1:25:00 ... you think would buy. A lot of people I worked with would do that. I was like, "I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna greet every customer. I'm gonna go above and beyond." I recognized that, like, I... That version of me would bring... had the courage to show them other things they didn't ask for. That version of me had fun with them. That version of me, even after they bought, I would tissue over the box in a certain way and walk it around to them. Just that little bit extra was a part of this new identity. Within days, consistently I was at the top of that list

Lewis Howes 1:25:28 Wow

Aaron Doughty 1:25:29 Then years later, I learned about that, and I was like, "Well, I wanna be on YouTube. I don't wanna be in this 9 to 5 job at all." So I started to be that full-time version of me on YouTube, and I realized for a long time I was waiting. You wanna know what I was waiting for? You'll think it's funny.

Lewis Howes 1:25:42 What?

Aaron Doughty 1:25:43 I was waiting for someone to tell me to go for it.

Lewis Howes 1:25:45 Oh, my gosh.

Aaron Doughty 1:25:46 I had this vi- I had this belief that what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna meet Tony Robbins.

Lewis Howes 1:25:52 And he's gonna say-

Aaron Doughty 1:25:53 Right?

Lewis Howes 1:25:53 ... "You should do this."

Aaron Doughty 1:25:54 Exactly. So I was gonna help... 'Cause I helped people at Barneys New York in women's shoes. So I'm like, I- they're gonna help me. I'm gonna help them one day, and he's gonna see all this potential in me, and he's gonna say, "Aaron, you've got all this potential in you. Go for it." And I'm gonna say, "Okay, Tony, I'm gonna go for it," 'cause I always looked up to him, you know? So that was what I was waiting for. Funny enough, I ended up helping Sage and, um, their assistant one day, like, years, like, a, like, months before I went full time, but it was, when that was happening, I was like, "Is it gonna happen? Is something gonna happen?"

Lewis Howes 1:26:22 Are they gonna say, see something in me and say this? Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:26:24 Exactly. And I helped them. It was a very, it was a beautiful interaction. She was, they were really cool, but I didn't get invited to Tony's house.

Lewis Howes 1:26:32 Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 1:26:32 You know what I mean? And that was the kind of, like-

Lewis Howes 1:26:35 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:26:35 ... entitled manifestation energy that I had, where I was just trying to think it and visualize it and experience it without taking the action. So for me, eventually there was a moment where I decided I'm gonna go daily on YouTube until I have a, like, a, until, until I'm full time. In January of 2017, I was living at my dad's house, and I had this idea, literally felt like an idea from the divine or something. It said, I was in the hallway at my dad's house, and it said, "If you make a video a day for a year, your life will transform." So I started making daily videos, and at first it was hard. I'm working a 9 to 5 job at the same time.

Lewis Howes 1:27:13 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:27:14 I was busy. Within two or three weeks, things started to grow. Within six months, I had 100,000 followers.

Lewis Howes 1:27:20 Six months? Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:27:21 Six months, and then, uh, my last day ever was the Conor McGregor-Mayweather fight.

Lewis Howes 1:27:26 In Vegas?

Aaron Doughty 1:27:27 In Vegas. I lived in Vegas. I knew it would be busy that day, so what I did is I scheduled two weeks before that, I requested to open on that day so I could still watch the fight, 'cause I wanted to watch it, and that was my last day of ever having a 9 to 5 job.

Lewis Howes 1:27:38 Is that 2017?

Aaron Doughty 1:27:39 2017.

Lewis Howes 1:27:40 What day was that, or like what month?

Aaron Doughty 1:27:41 Au- August. It was, like, August 18th or something.

Lewis Howes 1:27:44 Okay.

Aaron Doughty 1:27:44 It was in August.

Lewis Howes 1:27:44 Uh-huh.

Aaron Doughty 1:27:45 And that was my la... I put in my two weeks two weeks before that.

Lewis Howes 1:27:47 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:27:48 Went to my friend's hou- sold, made a whole bunch of money in commission that day.

Lewis Howes 1:27:51 Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:27:51 Went home. My last-

Lewis Howes 1:27:52 Had your best day ever, right? Yeah. [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 1:27:52 It was the best day ever. It was one of the biggest, like, you know, I've, I've been blessed to, like, be very abundant over the last, like, 10 years I've been doing this. The biggest shift in frequency I've ever experienced is when I went from working a 9 to 5 job I didn't really care for to doing what I love full time. Even though doing what I love full time for that first year-

Lewis Howes 1:28:10 Wasn't making a lot

Aaron Doughty 1:28:10 ... no, I made, maybe 60K a year or something my first year, but I was doing, I bought my time back.

Lewis Howes 1:28:15 Right.

Aaron Doughty 1:28:15 You know?

Lewis Howes 1:28:15 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:28:16 But the shift for me was I started to be a YouTuber, and even when I was starting to grow, it wasn't like I, I have to get out of this 9 to 5 job, and I have to, like, escape, and it wasn't the energy of that. It was like I was just excited to be making videos. I was passionate about it. I would learn from every video I made how to get better, and then it got to a place to where it just kept growing. Put in my two weeks, and then I learned, you know, I learned everything, you know, a lot of the stuff that I know now as far as, like, business side of things, live events, all that grew over, you know, the years. But yeah, it was, um, it was an identity shift, and there was a making a choice to be it, not 'cause the being will escape where I'm at, but being it because this is who I choose to be.

Lewis Howes 1:29:01 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:29:01 And that was the energy that changed everything.

Lewis Howes 1:29:04 It sounds like a lot of the things that are holding people back are the attachments they have around their self-identity-

Aaron Doughty 1:29:13 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:29:14 ... and the nervous system that they have that's connected to that identity.

Aaron Doughty 1:29:18 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:29:19 So what needs to change first in order for someone to have a breakthrough? Is it their self-image and identity, or is it the healing of the nervous system-

Aaron Doughty 1:29:28 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:29:28 ... in order for you to have the energy that feels safe enough to go for it?

Aaron Doughty 1:29:33 Yeah. You know what's interesting about this is either way can work. There's the top-down approach, and there's the bottom-up approach. The top-down approach is where you become aware of your patterns. You become aware of your pattern. You become aware of your identity. Asking yourself this one question that we've talked about a few times, "Who did you have to be as a kid to receive Mom and Dad's love?" is so enlightening, because that will show you what pattern has been underneath the surface. That gets to the root of the mother, father, child stuff, and what I have seen transform thousands of people's lives at live events and coaching and everything is by, more than anything else, it's looking at that mother, father, child dynamic.

Lewis Howes 1:30:21 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:30:21 Who... And think about it like this. Mother, father, child. The end, the way in which you relate to Mom is the way in which you relate to feminine energy. It's the way in which you relate to relationships, because feminine energy is relational by nature, and your mom's your first relationship. So that's your relationship to relationships-

Lewis Howes 1:30:39 Wow

Aaron Doughty 1:30:40 ... and your relationship to feminine energy and creativity. Your relationship to your dad is representative of your relationship to self, your relationship to purpose-

Lewis Howes 1:30:49 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:30:49 ... your relationship to boundaries, your relationship to, um, like, your, your, your abundance in your life, and what happens is these, the mom issue, mommy issues, or, like, mother wounds and father wounds will relate to these different areas of your life as well. So what happens is then you are at the center, your inner child. So child, so your relationship to Mom is relationships. Your relationship to your dad is abundance. Their relationship to each other became a template for how you relate to relationships as well.

Lewis Howes 1:31:21 Mm, interesting.

Aaron Doughty 1:31:22 So whether a relationship worked out, whether they had to repress energy, who they had to be. Normally, you might have had an avoidant and an anxious, like, parent, uh, in, in-

Lewis Howes 1:31:30 Yes

Aaron Doughty 1:31:30 ... different ways that balanced one way or the other. But looking at these dynamics can be so, so enlightening because who you had to be is the pattern that's subconscious that's keeping you trapped. It's keeping you trapped in unfulfilled, non-reciprocal relationships. It's keeping you trapped in dynamics you don't prefer. It's keeping scarcity in your life. Mm-hmm. And the more you can work on the mother, father, child dynamic, the more your life will begin to ravel in a powerful way. Mm. Now, the breathwork side of it is something that as you do, you can begin to release the energy that's stored inside of the body, and for that, breathwork is so powerful because you don't have to necessarily understand every little trauma that came up. You can just feel it, let it be there, and express it out, and that's why expression is so powerful. When you're even thinking of everything that we just talked about, if people wanna get, like, a, a practical way of breaking their patterns, right? You think of, um, awareness is a powerful part of it. The other aspect of this is you become aware of the pattern. Many people stay stuck in their patterns for a very long time even though they're aware. Yeah. The expression is the next stage. It's forgiveness and expression. Expression may be through breathwork, where you don't understand where it's coming from. But even think of the pe- the people-pleasing pattern we've been talking about. When you start express the real you, and you let people would sit with tension, that is an expression that you are no longer harboring. It's no longer stored inside of your body. If you are a self-reliant person- Mm ... that normally feels hyper independent, for you to begin reci- to be able to receive, to be able to, uh, be vulnerable will feel like a big stretch for you. It'll feel very uncomfortable. That expression of vulnerability helps you to break the pattern. Mm-hmm. Helps you to get, uh, to break that pattern and to integrate it. So your patterns get broken through what I call... It's a, it's a simple framework called SHIFT, S-H-I-F-T.

Aaron Doughty 1:33:34 First off, you see the pattern. What is the pattern that's running your life? Is it over-giving? Is it people-pleasing, self-reliance, controlling, invisibleness, perfectionism? Whatever it is, that's normally who you had to be as a kid to receive mom or dad's love. You become aware of that. You're probably playing that out with your friends and your business, and you don't even know it. Mm. Right? And your relationships. You become aware of it. Great. The next step is H. H stands for heal the root. Behind that pattern is an inner child that was not allowed to feel a certain emotion, and if you can soothe, hear, see, and nurture that inner child, you begin to complete the past from childhood. Mm. And that is where then you start doing this really deep inner child work. Now, on I, I, S-H-I, stands for integrate the shadow. You integrate the other side of yourself that you've been afraid to become. So as the people pleaser pattern, you might then realize you've been afraid to be firm in your own pa- in your own energy, setting boundaries, expressing yourself, and you might be afraid that you'll be seen as bad. Mm-hmm. You have to embrace that pa- You have to embrace that and integrate it and accept it. So as you integrate the shadow, you then can focus on, F stands for feeling the frequency of what you want to experience but in the present moment, not feeling it to manifest and get somewhere else. You focus on the frequency of passion, the frequency of falling in love with the process. You focus on that energy, and in that feeling of the frequency, you then get to T, which stands for transformation. And in transformation, what you realize is you realize that this moment right here is perfect as it is. You realize that you are the love and joy you've been looking for, and you realize that you are whole and complete. If you think about it, it's such a funny game and concept we play. We think, "I wanna be worthy." What does that even means- [laughs] ... to be worthy? Think about it. Like, I wanna feel safe. Safe is a concept. Mm-hmm. Worthiness is a concept. Is a baby worthy? Think about that. Is a baby worthy? Yes, I think a baby is worthy of being here and just being here. But what does the baby have to do to be worthy? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. So what's interesting about this is I have two layers to this. I've done this at a live event before, where what I did is I brought out these dolls. Uh-huh. And I said, "Everyone has to pick out of these three babies which one is the most worthy, and you have to boo for the one that's the least worthy." [laughs] "And you have to pick." Wow. And I said, "It's gonna sound cheesy-" Yeah ... "but you'll remember it forever." So we went through, and I said, "If this is your baby, yell." Cheer. "Yeah." It was so ridiculous. But afterwards, we realized how silly the concept is. Babies don't have to do anything to be worthy. They just exist. In the same way as a kid, as a baby, we decided, "Who do I have to be to be worthy?" And we took on that role. Yes. Here's the thing where we flip it on its head when it comes to transformation. This idea of worthiness is a concept. I believe that babies, and even us, we are both worthy and not worthy at the same time. If we can let it be okay that we are both worthy and not worthy, doesn't it feel a little bit lighter to think of it like that? Mm. Because so much of our lives is, "I don't wanna feel not worthy. I don't wanna be seen as not worthy. I have to be over here in order to be enough." Yes. Wouldn't it feel more freeing if you could let it be okay that you weren't worthy? What if you... Then you're playing a different game, right? And ironically enough, people that wanna feel safe, it's like, "I wanna feel safe." Well, what does that mean? What does safety feel like in your body? You'll find that safety in your body is just, what? Calm. Mm. Like, if you can allow yourself to accept feeling not safe, ironically enough, you'll be more safe. Mm. So part of T for transformation is what I teach, is it's the consciousness shift into what I call the second awakening. The second awakening is beyond this whole game of self-development. It's believing that you need one more video-

Lewis Howes 1:37:44 Mm-hmm. Yeah

Aaron Doughty 1:37:44 ... you need one more book to read, and then you can go for it. Stop waiting. Just start. Every moment's a new moment. Every moment you're a new version of you, and if you just start now, you've immediately put yourself on a new timeline.

Lewis Howes 1:37:57 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:37:58 And the thing is, is we wait for the external to shift so that then we can feel a certain way, and it's like just start now. Start now. What are... You're waiting for a sign. I'm waiting, everyone's waiting for a s- I was waiting for Tony Robbins to tell me to go for it. It wasn't gonna happen because the person I had to become was somebody that was taking ownership of my life. And what's funny now is I'm at a place now to where it's like I've, I... There- there's always layers of course, but it's like it's, it's so interesting how it works because by the time you become the person that you've always visualized yourself to be, it'll feel normal and natural.

Lewis Howes 1:38:33 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:38:34 So it's like it's not this thing that's on a pedestal that's really cool, and you won't care either way because I know that even if I met like really cool people I've always looked up to, and I've met a lot of them, it's cool. But it's like it's not this... It doesn't make me more worthy or more complete, but because I have that energy, it's almost like I'm more of an energetic match to it because I'm good either way.

Lewis Howes 1:38:53 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:38:53 So if anybody watches this, use the phrase, "I'm good either way." That's a magical mantra that you can begin to bring in your life.

Lewis Howes 1:39:03 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:39:03 You're good if people like you or don't like you. You're more free. You're okay if people choose you or not. You're more free. What's so bad about being disliked? It's what we make it mean about us.

Lewis Howes 1:39:16 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:39:16 And the thing is, is if we can let it be okay, and we can be present with those emotions as they come up, we are then free. And what I say around transformation is true freedom is when you're in that energy, and you're not trying to prove you're worthy. You're not trying to get somewhere else and manifest it because then you're gonna feel different.

Lewis Howes 1:39:35 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:39:36 It's about the person you become. It's about falling in love with the process, and when you're allowing the divine or God to flow through you, there's very little keeping score that happens because you're enjoying the moment.

Lewis Howes 1:39:48 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:39:49 Even if you're in a situation that you could judge, 'cause at any layer we could judge and say, "Well, you- it's easy for you because you have a certain level of abundance in your life." But you could always relate it and, and imagine that like there's always a way to relate it, to contrast it, to realize like you can still be grateful for where you are. Even when I had that 9:00 to 5:00 job, the last couple months I was there, I was g- I wasn't trying to like... When it was slow, I wasn't like, "Oh, why am I here? I could be making videos." I was like, "This is my last time I'm ever gonna have a 9:00 to 5:00 job." I just knew it. "I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm gonna be present with the customers." I'm actually gonna... Like I was present, and that I think went into it as well. A, 'cause I wasn't trying to escape where I'm at. And so many people, they might be trying to manifest something, but they're not present with where they are. And if you more than fill your present space by going the extra mile or giving more value than you're taking, you will create opportunity for yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:40:42 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:40:43 Either you'll, you'll meet... I've had people that I've met before that are like, "I wanna hire you."

Lewis Howes 1:40:47 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 1:40:47 ... you know, or something like that now that I, you know, have my own business or whatever. Like when I was selling shoes, though-

Lewis Howes 1:40:52 Yeah

Aaron Doughty 1:40:52 ... when I would have that energy, people would like want me to work for their business and stuff. Opportunities came because I was going above and beyond, because of my energy really as well. It was my, my mentality, my energy. So those that are listening to this I think can begin to apply that into their life to realize you're good either way because you don't need to control all of this and make it happen.

Lewis Howes 1:41:14 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:41:14 There's a level that that will feel very empowering, but it has a limit, and that limit is that it's always up to your ego to create it, and there's a level above that where you allow the divine to flow through you. And when the divine is flowing through you, you can still have these goals, but you've fallen in love with the process, and you're curious about what can come into your life. You're curious, and then that's where the divine and God really begins to come in, and that's why feeling, that's why adding value feels so good. That's why making it about other people feels so good because then it's a win-win-win because other people also wanna be transformed-

Lewis Howes 1:41:48 Yes

Aaron Doughty 1:41:48 ... or wanna feel good. They're attracted to playful energy even. You know? The more fun you have, the more you win. The more serious and heavy things are, because I need to manifest it and experience it and change my childhood patterns, you create this really heavy energy that creates a lot of resistance.

Lewis Howes 1:42:05 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:42:06 And when we go back to what we were talking about at the very beginning of the podcast, letting go is the key to releasing the attachment-

Lewis Howes 1:42:12 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:42:13 ... to then become more free.

Lewis Howes 1:42:14 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:42:15 And that's the, the level of the second awakening is you've let go of the identity of being spiritual. You've let go of the identity of like needing to manifest it and create it, and you're more into the level of presence, of curiosity, of presence, and of divine service to other people.

Lewis Howes 1:42:31 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:42:31 And I believe we all came here to be this kind of energy, and I believe that even with AI and everything happening in the world, I believe there's gonna be a matches, a massive consciousness shift is gonna happen in the next few years because of AI. I believe more people are gonna wake up than we've ever seen, and they're gonna crave authenticity, and they're gonna crave presence. They're gonna crave, um-

Lewis Howes 1:42:54 Mm

Aaron Doughty 1:42:54 ... I think there's gonna be a big shift that happens, and I think it's gonna be scary in some ways 'cause a lot's gonna shift. But on the other side of that, I believe there's gonna be more power than ever before for people to really get in alignment with their spiritual self.

Lewis Howes 1:43:08 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:43:09 They're gonna get more in alignment with who they came here to be, and it's gonna completely shift the perspective on the other side of this whole technology thing that we're experiencing.

Lewis Howes 1:43:18 Wow. My father passed away four years ago, and your mom passed away

Lewis Howes 1:43:22 three years ago. Is that right?

Aaron Doughty 1:43:23 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:43:23 ... re- recently? And there was a lot that came up for me during that process.

Aaron Doughty 1:43:27 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:43:28 Um, but also a lot of like peace and connection at the same time.

Aaron Doughty 1:43:32 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:43:32 What was the biggest thing that came up for you when your mom passed away, specifically around you doing a lot of the healing work before that?

Aaron Doughty 1:43:40 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:43:40 And then was there more that you needed to let go of in order to be even freer once she passed away?

Aaron Doughty 1:43:47 Yeah, there were so many l- um, kind of layers to that because I was v- I'm very close to my mom. Even now, the way that I re- I mean, I believe that we're spiritual beings living temporary human experiences, so I still, in a way, feel connected to my mom even though she's not here. I'm not sure if you feel that way at all-

Lewis Howes 1:44:03 Yeah

Aaron Doughty 1:44:03 ... with your dad. You know, I still very-

Lewis Howes 1:44:04 Feel more connected.

Aaron Doughty 1:44:04 I, I feel more connected as well.

Lewis Howes 1:44:06 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:44:06 Um, so for my mom, when she passed away, there was a lot that I had to deal with because I was also, like, taking care of the family in a lot of ways. I was kinda taking care of her and, uh, g- got her a place and stuff like that. So when she passed away, there was a lot of family dynamics I had to deal with, and that-

Lewis Howes 1:44:23 Not, not, not enjoyable

Aaron Doughty 1:44:24 ... not enjoyable, and it was, it was hard, you know, 'cause these are people I love, but, like, I can't, I can't just take care of everybody in my family-

Lewis Howes 1:44:31 And you had to be-

Aaron Doughty 1:44:31 ... you know, that are adults, you know?

Lewis Howes 1:44:32 And you had to be, like, create a boundary and also be seen-

Aaron Doughty 1:44:34 Yep

Lewis Howes 1:44:35 ... as the bad guy, right? It's like-

Aaron Doughty 1:44:36 Yeah, and that, that's exactly what happened.

Lewis Howes 1:44:37 It's almost like-

Aaron Doughty 1:44:38 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:44:38 ... okay, here's the greatest test.

Aaron Doughty 1:44:41 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:44:41 Like, you say you learned these things in the last couple years, but now can you really integrate them?

Aaron Doughty 1:44:46 That was a pattern that my mom wasn't really able to break.

Lewis Howes 1:44:49 No.

Aaron Doughty 1:44:49 Because she was, like, a s- so we have my brother and my sister, same mom, different dad. Their dad wasn't around. My dad was around. Their dad wasn't around. So, uh, my mom was kind of a single parent with them. So she was somebody that would, like, abandon everything off her... Like, she would do anything she could for certain people in her life, and she didn't have boundaries, and it was very hard for her to set boundaries with my brother and my sister, and that was kind of the dynamic that she had, uh, with them. So when she passed away, now it became this thing that I'm moder- I'm, like, having to deal with, which is uncomfortable, but I realize it was also an opportunity and a gift to them to be able to grow up and to go through the uncomfortableness of like... They're 27, 28 years old. They're not-

Lewis Howes 1:45:32 Yeah, they're adults

Aaron Doughty 1:45:32 ... little kids.

Lewis Howes 1:45:33 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:45:34 Yeah. Um, so it was, in a way, it was kind of a gift for them to be able to grow up, and I knew in a deep way that it, like, she, she is 58 years old, had a heart attack out of nowhere.

Lewis Howes 1:45:44 Ugh. I'm sorry.

Aaron Doughty 1:45:45 And the last message she ever sent me, my mom would send me WhatsApp messages. She didn't text me. She sent me WhatsApp messages.

Lewis Howes 1:45:50 Like, voice memos or-

Aaron Doughty 1:45:52 Just, just, like-

Lewis Howes 1:45:52 Text

Aaron Doughty 1:45:52 ... articles and memes and-

Lewis Howes 1:45:54 But it would be text, not voice memos.

Aaron Doughty 1:45:56 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:45:56 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:45:56 Not voice memos, but she sent me one two hours before she had a heart attack.

Lewis Howes 1:46:00 Really?

Aaron Doughty 1:46:01 And it said, it was a quote from this person that said, this quantum physicist person that said something like, "If humans knew the amount of power there is in group meditation, it would transform the world, like, five times over." It was something like that.

Lewis Howes 1:46:15 She sent you this two hours before she passed?

Aaron Doughty 1:46:17 Yeah, so she, she sent that m- m- message. Said, "Hey, hon, I'm thinking of you," and, like, I have it, and I'll- I have screenshots of it, and I'll never let that go on my, in my phone. But it was such a testament to me because I believe a part of my purpose is around doing live guided meditations that create group coherent energies.

Lewis Howes 1:46:33 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:46:33 So, like, and she, I've always felt that, and she knew that, so she sent me this message. We hadn't talked for, like, a couple days, and she sent me this one message about the power of group meditation transforming the planet, and then two hours later was in her closet and had a heart attack and died.

Lewis Howes 1:46:47 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:46:48 And my brother and sister were there. It was extremely traumatic for them.

Lewis Howes 1:46:50 They were there?

Aaron Doughty 1:46:51 They were there, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:46:52 Oh my gosh.

Aaron Doughty 1:46:52 I got a call, and then I flew in. You know, I flew in the next day to Vegas and, and, um-

Lewis Howes 1:46:57 She was already passed, though.

Aaron Doughty 1:46:58 Yeah, she, she was gone. Yeah, she was gone.

Lewis Howes 1:47:00 Did she make it to the hospital or did like-

Aaron Doughty 1:47:01 No, I think she pa- I don't, I don't think so. It was a very... Yeah, I remember-

Lewis Howes 1:47:06 Man

Aaron Doughty 1:47:06 ... I remember, you know, it was a very, it's a very visceral memory, but yeah, a lot came up for me, and it, it's just a shock, you know? I'm like, "Ugh."

Lewis Howes 1:47:12 Of course.

Aaron Doughty 1:47:12 And then you think of all the things you would've done differently and how much more you would've reached out and you would've connected, you know? Um, part of it, too, if I'm being completely honest, uh, to share a vulnerable thing, uh, the, the thing for me is a m- a week or two, a couple weeks before she passed away, one of the things that I did is I, I kind of reeled back and was like, okay, you know, you know, as I was, like, kind of supporting her, you know, um, in a house in Vegas.

Lewis Howes 1:47:39 Financially.

Aaron Doughty 1:47:40 Financially, and I was like, okay, it's been... I told her I'd give her two years to, like, you know, figure out finances and stuff, and she loved to make woodworking stuff, and she spent her money there, and I'm like, okay, the, the way she's really gonna learn all this is-

Lewis Howes 1:47:51 [sighs]

Aaron Doughty 1:47:51 ... I, I have to, like, pull back.

Lewis Howes 1:47:52 To, to keep enabl- not enabling, but providing-

Aaron Doughty 1:47:55 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:47:55 ... or-

Aaron Doughty 1:47:55 Like, pulling back a little bit, like, we can pay half the rent or something.

Lewis Howes 1:47:58 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:47:58 And within a few weeks of me kind of pulling back the reins, I'm like, okay, you're gonna have to, like, figure it out soon. That's when it happened.

Lewis Howes 1:48:04 Oh, no.

Aaron Doughty 1:48:05 So a part of myself-

Lewis Howes 1:48:07 Oh, my God.

Aaron Doughty 1:48:07 But here's, here's the, here's the blessing, though. I was at a Tony Robbins event.

Lewis Howes 1:48:11 [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 1:48:11 And Tony Robbins was in, was, uh, sharing a story where in the last couple years of his mom's life, he bought her a house, like, on the beach or something like that.

Lewis Howes 1:48:20 Oh.

Aaron Doughty 1:48:20 And I remember hearing that story, and it really resonated with me. That was in 2019, and after I started becoming successful on YouTube, I was like, "I have the money," and my mom's always been bad with, my mom has always been bad with money. "I have the money to take care of her." So what I did is I took care of my mom for the last two years she was alive, and even though at the end I was really questioning, like, is this enabling so she'd learn abundance? Like, my mom had a hard life, especially earlier on, so, like, I wanted to do that for her, and, um, the beauty of it, though, was being at that Tony Robbins event, I heard that story and I did that for my mom.

Lewis Howes 1:48:52 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:48:52 But then it happened, like, a month after I kind of was, like, starting to move the energy back.

Lewis Howes 1:48:56 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:48:56 But I think deep down, like, I didn't... For a while I kind of, not blamed myself, but I was like, did I cause this to happen? That's one of the stages of grief. You renegotiate with yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:49:05 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:49:05 Did I cause this? Because my mom, uh, now, like, had to, like, start figuring out money, and I was pulling the reins back, you know?

Lewis Howes 1:49:11 It's, it's called bargaining.

Aaron Doughty 1:49:12 Bargaining. That's what it is, yep. So I f-

Lewis Howes 1:49:14 I just had the grief expert on yesterday who talked about-

Aaron Doughty 1:49:17 Oh, wow

Lewis Howes 1:49:17 ... the six stages of grief, but anyway.

Aaron Doughty 1:49:19 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:49:19 Yeah, yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:49:19 Yeah, 100%. That wa- that was the stage.

Lewis Howes 1:49:21 And it's like, oh, what if I would've kept paying? Would she have lasted longer?

Aaron Doughty 1:49:24 Yep.

Lewis Howes 1:49:24 What if I would've done this? What if I would've reached out more? It's like-

Aaron Doughty 1:49:25 It's good to know because I, I had to become aware of that inside myself.

Lewis Howes 1:49:28 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:49:28 And of course I, I went through all the OG books, you know, as I was healing inside of myself and processing it, and I just gave myself a lot of permission to cry for a long time, and i- that was w- my life for a while, was feeling it. And then eventually it was like I just, I feel connected to my mom in a different way now, so I've kinda moved through it in a different way, and it's, it's kind of brought me deeper into my own spiritual practice.

Lewis Howes 1:49:51 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:49:52 And you know, I, i- some people could say that the spiritual perspective is maybe just- A way of bypassing the inevitable death that we all have. But I really believe that, like, we are eternal spiritual beings that are dreaming right now, that this is who we are, and I believe that when we die, it's like waking up from a dream.

Lewis Howes 1:50:08 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:50:08 I believe that right now we are awake in a higher state of consciousness, projecting our, our life here.

Lewis Howes 1:50:13 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:50:13 Projecting our awareness here. And we came here to learn energy, life, purpose, relationships. It's almost like we're at a bus stop, and we're like, "I wanna learn this lesson, this lesson, this lesson, and I need people to help me learn this in my life." And then what happens is all these people at the bus stop is like, "I wanna learn forgiveness." And someone raises their hand, "I'll help you learn."

Lewis Howes 1:50:34 [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 1:50:35 And what happens is we have all these people that we come to Earth, and one of the hard parts of this reality, I believe, is that we forget who we are to then remember who we are. And if you look at, like, the work of Dolores Cannon, for example. I don't even know if you've ever heard who she is.

Lewis Howes 1:50:49 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:50:49 She's a hypnotherapist. Uh, h- all of her books are just thousands of transcripts from people in a very deep level of hypnotherapy, and the same thing comes through thousands of people from all over the world, say very similar things. And they say that now on the ti- is a time to be on the planet that's unlike any other time in history. That we, when we come here, forget who we are, to then remember who we are.

Lewis Howes 1:51:11 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:51:12 That there's a powerful shift in consciousness that's happened on the planet in this lifetime, and that we have the ability to really raise our level of consciousness in the life t- c- collectively together.

Lewis Howes 1:51:22 Isn't that a line in the, in The Lion King? It's like, "Remember who you are."

Aaron Doughty 1:51:26 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:51:26 Right? To Simba-

Aaron Doughty 1:51:27 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:51:27 ... or whatever, and it's like-

Aaron Doughty 1:51:28 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:51:28 ... they remember who you are, right?

Aaron Doughty 1:51:30 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:51:31 It's so funny, man.

Aaron Doughty 1:51:32 I feel like that's what we're doing. I feel like we're remembering who we are-

Lewis Howes 1:51:35 Yeah

Aaron Doughty 1:51:35 ... right now, and that's, that's the, the first spiritual awakening. And then from there it's like, "I'm gonna create my reality and I have all these powers and abilities to, like, um, like, you know, I can take action and do all of these things." Uh, but then the other side of it is the layer above it, is the letting go.

Lewis Howes 1:51:50 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 1:51:50 The surrender, the enjoying the process, the giving it up, the, the really just connecting to God, to the divine. And that that connection is where everything else stems from.

Lewis Howes 1:51:59 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 1:51:59 And when you give credit to something greater than yourself, I think that that's when things beyond what we can imagine come into our life.

Lewis Howes 1:52:06 I study a lot of sports psychology and a lot of, like, champions of sports, right?

Aaron Doughty 1:52:10 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:52:11 And there's kind of two approaches that great athletes take-

Aaron Doughty 1:52:15 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:52:15 ... after they win a game and they give an interview.

Aaron Doughty 1:52:18 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:52:20 Some say, "I'm the greatest," and, "I knew I was gonna make this happen, and no one can stop me."

Aaron Doughty 1:52:25 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:52:25 And it's like, "It's about me and what I believe-

Aaron Doughty 1:52:28 Yep

Lewis Howes 1:52:28 ... I'm capable of." You know, Muhammad Ali, Conor McGregor.

Aaron Doughty 1:52:32 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:52:33 They have this kind of like, "I know I'm the greatest in the world. I'm gifted. I'm the greatest" type of thing. And they speak this belief, and they own it, and in a lot of ways they can create that, you know?

Aaron Doughty 1:52:44 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:52:45 If they really back it with the training and the right things, and they have the talent and the skills, like, that belief drives them.

Aaron Doughty 1:52:51 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:52:51 But a majority of people take a more of a humble approach-

Aaron Doughty 1:52:55 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:52:55 ... who are like, you know, "It's all God."

Aaron Doughty 1:52:58 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:52:58 "It's all Jesus. It's all God. Uh, I am nothing without God, and I'm so grateful to have this opportunity."

Aaron Doughty 1:53:05 Yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:53:05 And you hear that approach a lot more. Specifically, I feel like I'm hearing it all the time now.

Aaron Doughty 1:53:10 Yep.

Lewis Howes 1:53:10 And less of the, you know, "I'm the best in the world" approach.

Aaron Doughty 1:53:14 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:53:15 Um, either way, they, they tend to work around a belief.

Aaron Doughty 1:53:19 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:53:19 But I feel like the sustainable belief is, "I am working through God."

Aaron Doughty 1:53:25 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:53:25 You know? Or, or, "God is working through me."

Aaron Doughty 1:53:27 Yes, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:53:28 "And I am so blessed and grateful to have the opportunity to express these gifts that are not-"

Aaron Doughty 1:53:34 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:53:35 ... "necessarily mine, that are from God."

Aaron Doughty 1:53:37 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:53:38 And I believe that's more of a, a sustainable approach to not just sports and longevity, but to life.

Aaron Doughty 1:53:44 Yeah, think about how much less pressure that is.

Lewis Howes 1:53:46 Oh my gosh, right?

Aaron Doughty 1:53:47 Think of the pressure of, "I am Conor McGregor."

Lewis Howes 1:53:49 "I'm the greatest of all time."

Aaron Doughty 1:53:50 "I am the greatest of all time." That's a lot of pressure.

Lewis Howes 1:53:52 A lot.

Aaron Doughty 1:53:53 And I think that that also, I mean, that's a whole different conversation around esoterics, but it creates, like, a group energy around that concept, um, that can, like, have a power of its own, but it comes with its limits because-

Lewis Howes 1:54:06 You get injured and then, "Oh, I'm not the greatest."

Aaron Doughty 1:54:08 Yep, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:54:09 I'm, I'm, uh, I'm mortal.

Aaron Doughty 1:54:10 Who is the I, who is the I that is the greatest? That's the question to ask.

Lewis Howes 1:54:13 Mm, that's-

Aaron Doughty 1:54:14 Right? Is it, that's where you get into, like, the phil- the philosophical part of it.

Lewis Howes 1:54:17 Yes.

Aaron Doughty 1:54:17 But God flowing through you, I think, you know, I've always... It's funny watching people like Khabib or something, you know, 'cause he's talking about, like, you know, every, giving it up to God, but they're beating the crap out of each other in UFC.

Lewis Howes 1:54:27 I know, right. [laughs]

Aaron Doughty 1:54:28 But it is, like, it i- the, the, a lot of the great ones, they do, they give it up to something greater than themselves, and I think that humbleness-

Lewis Howes 1:54:36 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 1:54:36 ... creates an energy that, like, it's a flow state they, they pop into.

Lewis Howes 1:54:39 It's a surrender, too.

Aaron Doughty 1:54:41 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:54:41 They're not, like, holding onto something of it's gotta be them.

Aaron Doughty 1:54:44 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:54:44 They have to do it all themselves.

Aaron Doughty 1:54:46 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:54:46 It's, it's a letting go and a surrender, and I'm gonna do the best I can to deliver-

Aaron Doughty 1:54:52 Yep

Lewis Howes 1:54:52 ... you know, my, my energy in whatever event I'm creating. But-

Aaron Doughty 1:54:56 Yep

Lewis Howes 1:54:57 ... at the end of the day, I am in service, and I'm a vessel to the divine.

Aaron Doughty 1:55:01 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:55:02 And I'm expressing it through this art or mixed martial arts or basketball or speaking-

Aaron Doughty 1:55:07 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:55:08 ... or whatever talent I'm expressing it through.

Aaron Doughty 1:55:10 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:55:11 And I think greater things happen when we come from the divine than when we come from-

Aaron Doughty 1:55:15 Absolutely

Lewis Howes 1:55:15 ... ego.

Aaron Doughty 1:55:16 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:55:17 And I've experienced that many times by, you know, humiliating myself, embarrassing myself-

Aaron Doughty 1:55:23 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:55:23 ... or whatever. Hurting myself-

Aaron Doughty 1:55:25 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:55:25 ... by thinking it's me-

Aaron Doughty 1:55:27 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:55:27 ... rather than, "Okay, this is something greater than me."

Aaron Doughty 1:55:31 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:55:31 You know? Or by make, making the emphasis more about, "Look what I did" versus, "Okay, look what God did. I'm grateful to be able to-"

Aaron Doughty 1:55:38 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:55:38 ... "express this-"

Aaron Doughty 1:55:40 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:55:40 ... "with God." In partnership, in some sense.

Aaron Doughty 1:55:43 Yeah, absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:55:44 I've got a couple final questions for you, but this has been awesome, Aaron. I appreciate you-

Aaron Doughty 1:55:48 Of course, yeah

Lewis Howes 1:55:48 ... being in the flow state-

Aaron Doughty 1:55:50 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:55:50 ... uh, here throughout this. Um, and I want people to follow you. Aaron Doughty 44 over on social media, YouTube, Instagram, all the places. And you also have, you know, you talked about your framework, the SHIFT.

Aaron Doughty 1:56:04 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:56:04 And you have the Shift Academy where you bring people through this SHIFT method-

Aaron Doughty 1:56:08 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:56:08 ... which I think is really powerful, and I know you have, uh, different workshops on this as well. So people can check that out as well online. Where's the best website for you where, where they can check out the academy and your events and everything else you're doing?

Aaron Doughty 1:56:19 Um, probably just aarondoughty.com.

Lewis Howes 1:56:21 Okay, cool.

Aaron Doughty 1:56:21 Like my website, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:56:23 D-O-U-G-H-T-Y-

Aaron Doughty 1:56:25 There you go

Lewis Howes 1:56:25 ... A-A-R-O-N Doughty.com. Make sure you guys check that out. This is a question I ask everyone towards the end. It's called the three truths.

Aaron Doughty 1:56:33 All right. Let's do it.

Lewis Howes 1:56:34 Hy- hypothetical scenario, you get to live as long as you want on this material world, but it's the last day for you many years in the future, and you have created everything you wanna create, um, and you've made a lot of great content and books, and things are out there. But hypothetically, you gotta take all your work with you or-

Aaron Doughty 1:56:55 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:56:55 ... no one, no one has access to this message anymore.

Aaron Doughty 1:56:57 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:56:58 This conversation, your YouTube channel gone. Everything's gone.

Aaron Doughty 1:57:01 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:57:01 Hypothetically.

Aaron Doughty 1:57:02 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:57:02 But you get to leave behind three lessons-

Aaron Doughty 1:57:05 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:57:05 ... to the world, and we would have access to those three lessons. I call it the three truths.

Aaron Doughty 1:57:10 Got it.

Lewis Howes 1:57:10 What are those three truths for you?

Aaron Doughty 1:57:12 Hmm. The first one would be that you're an eternal spiritual being living a temporary human experience, that love, joy, and peace is your natural state of being. It's who you are. There's nothing you need to do to become worthy or enough. There's nothing you even need to be. That that's who you are at your core, and that life is about remembering that. So I'd say that's the first one. Life is about remembering that. The second one is that in life, the biggest thing we have the ability to control is just the meaning we give things.

Lewis Howes 1:57:54 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 1:57:54 Everything in life has no built-in meaning other than the meaning we give it. A rainy day is not good or bad. It just is. And when we can begin to see that we are the ones that generate meaning, we can then see that, like, that's where our power is. If you give something that's negative a positive meaning, you will literally perceive a positive coming from that in some form because of your definition of it. So that'd be the second, is that everything has no built-in meaning other than the meaning we give it. And then the third one is that there's no more m- there's no place more beautiful than this present moment right now, that anything you accomplish in your life that is a big goal that you have, that you're striving for, those are all good and great. But don't let yourself not love the present moment. Realize you're whole and complete the way that you are, and that the more you can allow the divine and God to flow through you, through your art, through your work, through your connection to other people, the more you'll be living in this consciousness of who you actually are.

Lewis Howes 1:59:05 Wow.

Aaron Doughty 1:59:05 That's the more you remember.

Lewis Howes 1:59:06 Yeah. I wanna acknowledge you, Aaron, for the flow state you've been in today and by-

Aaron Doughty 1:59:13 Thank you. [chuckles]

Lewis Howes 1:59:14 ... sharing, I think, a divine wisdom that you've been experiencing through all the challenges you've faced, through all the work you've done, the healing you've done and will continue to do.

Aaron Doughty 1:59:25 Thank you.

Lewis Howes 1:59:25 And the last time I saw you was literally five years ago, and I-

Aaron Doughty 1:59:29 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:59:29 ... you know, I, I've s- I, I see the work that you've been doing energetically.

Aaron Doughty 1:59:34 Thank you.

Lewis Howes 1:59:35 And I acknowledge it, and I'm excited for you, man, because I know how powerful you are with this presence that you're tapping into and the healing work that you're doing, even if it sounds a little weird for some people, the some of the stuff that you've done and stuff that I've done.

Aaron Doughty 1:59:51 Some of this sounds weird? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:59:52 [laughs] Uh, but I've done a lot of weird, like, healing activities that are reenactments and having conversations-

Aaron Doughty 2:00:01 Yeah

Lewis Howes 2:00:01 ... with my inner child and all sorts of stuff too, but it's like you're... When you feel a sense of pain or stuckness for 20, 30, 40 years-

Aaron Doughty 2:00:09 Yeah

Lewis Howes 2:00:09 ... you're, like, sick and tired of feeling pain in your chest. You'll essentially do whatever it takes-

Aaron Doughty 2:00:15 Yeah

Lewis Howes 2:00:15 ... to create, to remember the freedom that you are and the peace that you are.

Aaron Doughty 2:00:20 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:00:20 And so I know that I was willing to do whatever, essentially-

Aaron Doughty 2:00:24 Yeah

Lewis Howes 2:00:24 ... um, no matter how weird it was. So I wanna acknowledge you for being on the journey and being of service to people while also creating healthy boundaries.

Aaron Doughty 2:00:32 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:00:32 And being willing to be disliked.

Aaron Doughty 2:00:34 Yeah. Thank you.

Lewis Howes 2:00:35 And, uh, excited to see what you continue to create, man.

Aaron Doughty 2:00:38 Thank you.

Lewis Howes 2:00:38 Of course. Final question, what's your definition of greatness?

Aaron Doughty 2:00:42 Greatness is... I think God is greatness and being able to allow God to flow through. I think a lot of times we've been conditioned to believe that we're these unworthy things. Like, the, like, the ego is the unworthy thing, and God is this separate thing from us, but I believe that we are connected to God, and I believe that God flows through us when we're in a flow state. God flows through us in moments of grace and in moments of presence, and I believe that our life is about getting more to that present energy of who we naturally are, and that is great. And greatness comes through when we give the credit up to something greater than ourselves.

Lewis Howes 2:01:28 I love that.

Aaron Doughty 2:01:29 So I think that-

Lewis Howes 2:01:30 That's beautiful

Aaron Doughty 2:01:30 ... that's my, that's my definition.

Lewis Howes 2:01:32 And the biggest takeaway that you had personally from this conversation, what opened up for you personally from this?

Aaron Doughty 2:01:40 I think it's that the pr- you know, prepping... I- it's interesting coming to, like, a, you know, a podcast like yours. You know, you're doing great. You have an epic podcast. I think it was just a confirmation of the kind of work that I'm doing, where back in the day, like years ago, if I would've come on, I probably would've prepped quite a bit and had all these planned things that I might... like stories I might've shared and stuff.

Lewis Howes 2:02:03 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 2:02:04 And, um, I intentionally, like, just showed up today knowing that, like, that... I... trusting that there's something greater that flows through.

Lewis Howes 2:02:12 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 2:02:13 And, um, yeah, I just feel like it just, it just flowed very nicely.

Lewis Howes 2:02:17 Mm.

Aaron Doughty 2:02:17 So it's a sign to me and a reflection to me that, like, you just bring presence to the equation, and that's where the magic is. And, um, I think that the, the conversation just took on a life of its own.

Lewis Howes 2:02:29 Yeah.

Aaron Doughty 2:02:29 And it was a, a kind of a representation of the energy that we're talking about here, which is of, um, like, not having an agenda almost, and also play. I think that the, the more we raise our vibration, the more play we bring into our lives, and when things are very serious, it's, like, very heavy, you know? And, um, I think that a, an intention of mine recently is to bring, to begin to bring more play in my life, and I think anybody that is experiencing any type of heaviness in their life, if they bring more playfulness to it-

Lewis Howes 2:03:01 Mm-hmm

Aaron Doughty 2:03:01 ... and they have more fun in whatever area of life it is, they'll find they're more present to the moment-

Lewis Howes 2:03:06 Yes

Aaron Doughty 2:03:07 ... and then more beauty comes from it.

Lewis Howes 2:03:08 Mm. Aaron, appreciate you, brother.

Aaron Doughty 2:03:10 Awesome.

Lewis Howes 2:03:10 Thanks for being here, man.

Aaron Doughty 2:03:11 Appreciate you.

2:03:11 [gentle music] She made coffee for me this morning. She loves me. You're mentally reaffirming, 'cause most people, we do the negative thing. Oh, he's not talking to me today. Does he really love me? Oh, he couldn't make this date because he had to work overtime. Does he really love me? No, you wanna practice the opposite.

Lewis Howes 2:03:30 Mm-hmm.

Aaron Doughty 2:03:30 He loves me. She loves me