How to Create a Frequency so Magnetic Your Desires Chase You | David Bayer

1. 0:00 – 1:16

   Intro

   1. DBDavid Bayer0:00

      Desire plus non-resistance equals desired result. So whatever your desire is, if, if you wanna make more money, if you wanna heal your chronic health condition, if you wanna find your soulmate, it doesn't matter what it is. If you can become psychologically and emotionally non-resistant to the desire 100% of the time consistently and predictably, you will crystallize that desire into your reality.

   2. LHLewis Howes0:22

      He's an entrepreneur, best-selling author, and an expert teaching people how to unlock their potential by helping them raise their frequency. Please welcome David Bayer.

   3. DBDavid Bayer0:32

      The moment you have a desire, two things, uh, enter your awareness. Number one is, of course, the thing that you want, but number two is the absence of it. And the brain will give a meaning to the absence of it. Well, it's not there because there's not enough time. Well, it's not there because I'm not good enough. Well, it's not there because money is hard to make. If you can identify what the resistance is and do the inner work to transform it, you now become completely aligned and congruent with the outcome itself.

   4. LHLewis Howes0:56

      What is the program or the belief that most human beings live by today?

   5. DBDavid Bayer1:01

      Well, I think there are two. So...

   6. LHLewis Howes1:07

      Welcome back, everyone, to The School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. We have the inspiring David Bayer in the house. Good to see you, man.

   7. DBDavid Bayer1:13

      Good to see you. Thanks for having me.

   8. LHLewis Howes1:14

      Welcome to the show. Um,

2. 1:16 – 3:56

   3 Steps to Abundance

   1. LHLewis Howes1:16

      if someone watching or listening right now is feeling stuck in their life, they're feeling like they have a, a big scarcity wounds, they feel like they're just low energy, they're maybe anxiety consistently in their life, what would you say are three actionable steps they could take right now to get out of that scarcity state and feeling more abundant?

   2. DBDavid Bayer1:37

      I mean, I think the first thing at a root cause level is to get into personal growth, right? Like really start to understand the dynamics of mindset, how you think-

   3. LHLewis Howes1:45

      Mm-hmm

   4. DBDavid Bayer1:45

      ... your belief systems. Because that malaise and that anxiety and that depression is... it's being driven by one thing, one thing only, which is your thoughts.

   5. LHLewis Howes1:55

      Mm.

   6. DBDavid Bayer1:55

      Right? Your thoughts create your emotions, your emotions produce your results. Uh, and so, um, you know, if, if somebody is feeling stuck in their life, they've, they've gotta get into personal growth, right? And, and that, you know, that's a, that's a process. You know, normally you start with the books and you become a card-carrying member of personal growth-

   7. LHLewis Howes2:15

      Mm-hmm

   8. DBDavid Bayer2:15

      ... and then you start going to events and, um, you find the tools that work for you. You start living in a community of people who are focused on their personal growth, but that's really important. I think that's the second thing too, is it's counterintuitive, but you know, if, if you wanna become abundant and you wanna start feeling better, you have to hang out with abundant people or people at least focused on abundance and people who are committed to feeling better, right? So number one is understand, you know, get into personal growth. Two is surround yourself with other, other people who are, who are headed in the same direction. It's, it's really common sense, I think, when we look at any other area of our life. It's like if I wanna get good at yoga, I go to the yoga studio and I hang out with yogis. If I wanna get good at, you know, recovery, which was part of my story, I wanna get sober, you start going to 12-step meetings and you hang out with other people who are trying to get sober. But for the most part, we don't really think about that in terms of our emotional states, and frankly, it's not as easy. It's like, you know, there's no personal development store that you walk into.

   9. LHLewis Howes3:12

      Right. [laughs]

   10. DBDavid Bayer3:12

       Right? But, but we are seeing more and more emergent communities.

   11. LHLewis Howes3:16

       Mm-hmm.

   12. DBDavid Bayer3:16

       Your c- communities that you've built, communities that, that I've built, right? Um, so I would say that's the second thing. Um, and then the third thing, which is really related to getting into personal growth, is just begin to audit your belief systems.

   13. LHLewis Howes3:29

       Mm-hmm.

   14. DBDavid Bayer3:30

       Um, because y- you are creating your reality. We are creating our reality. We create through the mechanism of our habit of thought, our habit of emotion, and those are driven by our beliefs, right? The people call those, you know, programs, traumas. Um, and so if you wanna change your life, if you wanna start moving out of scarcity into abundance, you gotta take a look at the programs that are driving those emotional states and cr- and, and creating that reality temporarily in

3. 3:56 – 7:35

   The Core Childhood Trauma

   1. DBDavid Bayer3:56

      your life.

   2. LHLewis Howes3:56

      What is the program or the belief that most human beings live by today?

   3. DBDavid Bayer4:02

      Well, I think there are two. So let's, let's, let's talk about the... You know, you asked about abundance. Um, I think, I think it's important for someone to answer this question, not overthink it, but it's a really simple way of doing an audit or an inventory, and that is to, is to answer the question, "When I was growing up, money was blank." Right? When I was growing up, money was blank. Do you anything come to mind for you? I know you've obviously changed your money consciousness, but when you were growing up, money was what?

   4. LHLewis Howes4:33

      Scary to me. Yeah.

   5. DBDavid Bayer4:34

      Was what?

   6. LHLewis Howes4:35

      Scary.

   7. DBDavid Bayer4:36

      Scary.

   8. LHLewis Howes4:36

      Yeah.

   9. DBDavid Bayer4:36

      Right? Money was-

   10. LHLewis Howes4:37

       I didn't understand it. It was scary. Um, it seemed like it was better than me. Yeah.

   11. DBDavid Bayer4:43

       Yeah. A lot of the-

   12. LHLewis Howes4:43

       Cau- it caused tension in the family.

   13. DBDavid Bayer4:45

       Yeah.

   14. LHLewis Howes4:46

       Like, it caused stress.

   15. DBDavid Bayer4:47

       Right? All those things. So if that's what money is-

   16. LHLewis Howes4:49

       Uh-huh

   17. DBDavid Bayer4:49

       ... at powerful subconscious levels, your entire system is gonna keep you away from money.

   18. LHLewis Howes4:54

       Yeah.

   19. DBDavid Bayer4:55

       Right? About 70% of people who just heard that question answered scarce.

   20. LHLewis Howes5:00

       Mm-hmm.

   21. DBDavid Bayer5:00

       So that's the number one answer. And so for, for most people, when they were growing up, money was scarce, um, which is an interesting way to complete the sentence because we don't use scarce a lot in our day-to-day language.

   22. LHLewis Howes5:12

       Mm-hmm.

   23. DBDavid Bayer5:12

       But-

   24. LHLewis Howes5:13

       Unless it's like, uh, there's no food.

   25. DBDavid Bayer5:15

       Correct.

   26. LHLewis Howes5:15

       Yeah, yeah.

   27. DBDavid Bayer5:15

       Correct.

   28. LHLewis Howes5:16

       Food scarcity.

   29. DBDavid Bayer5:17

       But that's... I mean, I've asked that question to tens of thousands of people, whether it's online, offline, speaking events, um, and scarce is far and away the most common response that people have, which-

   30. LHLewis Howes5:29

       Around money
4. 7:35 – 13:36

   Wound Into Superpower

   1. DBDavid Bayer7:35

      You know, um, uh, what we have seen is that w- whatever happened in terms of the original wound, uh, once transformed, becomes your superpower and your gift.

   2. LHLewis Howes7:45

      Mm-hmm.

   3. DBDavid Bayer7:46

      Right? So-

   4. LHLewis Howes7:46

      Give me, give me an example.

   5. DBDavid Bayer7:48

      Yeah, so, um, part of my core program is that there's something wrong with me.

   6. LHLewis Howes7:54

      Mm-hmm.

   7. DBDavid Bayer7:55

      Um, that's how I felt when I was growing up. Um, I remember when I was in... Before fifth grade, when my parents moved me into this sort of gifted and talented education program with the other nerds, like I always felt like I didn't belong in the w- in the regular classroom. Um, I always felt like there was something wrong with me.

   8. LHLewis Howes8:13

      Mm.

   9. DBDavid Bayer8:13

      I also grew up with a dad who was, you know, w- was the best dad he could be, and according to a lot of measuring sticks, a really good dad. My dad was an attorney. He was super smart, critical thinker. We would describe him today as not having a tremendous amount of emotional intelligence.

   10. LHLewis Howes8:28

       Mm-hmm.

   11. DBDavid Bayer8:29

       And so, um, y- he was a great problem finder, but when you're on the receiving end of that, y- you sort of experience like, "I'm never doing it right."

   12. LHLewis Howes8:37

       Mm-hmm.

   13. DBDavid Bayer8:38

       "There's always a better way to do it."

   14. LHLewis Howes8:39

       Yeah.

   15. DBDavid Bayer8:39

       "There's something wrong with me." So I g- I grew up with-

   16. LHLewis Howes8:41

       There's, there's not much affection or there's-

   17. DBDavid Bayer8:43

       Right

   18. LHLewis Howes8:43

       ... it's more results driven.

   19. DBDavid Bayer8:44

       Results driven, yeah, is a great way to describe it. So, so I... Part of my core makeup was there's something wrong with me. And, um-

   20. LHLewis Howes8:52

       Did he say it out loud, or was it more just an internal feeling?

   21. DBDavid Bayer8:56

       It was, it was an internal feeling. Um, I, I didn't have a self-awareness until probably my early 30s when, you know, I was running a venture-backed technology company. I was chasing success. I was like, um... You know, everybody expected me to be really successful 'cause I was a bright kid, and I, and I, and I f- I felt like I needed to do that in order to be loved. So like I was always, you know, kinda good, uh, at, at, at my career. But as, as that overdeveloped itself within me, um, and as I continued to not realize that below the surface there were these wounds that needed to be healed, I was dealing with it through drug abuse, alcoholism, uh, sex addiction. And so in my early 30s, when I hit my bottom and I got into recovery, I started becoming aware that, wow, in, in, in all these different areas of my life, the observation that I'm making subconsciously is there's something wrong with me.

   22. LHLewis Howes9:54

       Mm.

   23. DBDavid Bayer9:54

       So I started becoming aware of it in my early 30s. And then what was also interesting was, um, in my late 30s, uh, I ended up getting, um, a v- a variety of like odd health challenges. Um, I think it was in 2016, uh, I ended up discovering I had really high levels of mercury from an all-fish diet. Uh, and then I started getting mold and mold exposure and like all these things, and my reaction to these health challenges was, "There's something wrong with me."

   24. LHLewis Howes10:22

       Mm.

   25. DBDavid Bayer10:22

       So there's something wrong with me was manifesting into my body.

   26. LHLewis Howes10:25

       Mm-hmm.

   27. DBDavid Bayer10:26

       Um-

   28. LHLewis Howes10:26

       And you were, you were reinforcing it and, and experiencing it by finding evidence-

   29. DBDavid Bayer10:32

       Correct

   30. LHLewis Howes10:32

       ... as well.
5. 13:36 – 15:31

   Success Won't Cure Insecurities

   1. DBDavid Bayer13:36

      but I think that's what's so amazing about, you know, what, what you're doing and the technology that's available and social media and YouTube and all of these things is that consciousness and, and, and the laws by which consciousness functions and how this game works are more available to us than ever before.

   2. LHLewis Howes13:50

      Yeah.

   3. DBDavid Bayer13:51

      And that is a part of this awakening that we're seeing, which is occurring simultaneously to this massive breakdown of the old system, right? These two things are happening simultaneously.

   4. LHLewis Howes13:59

      Mm.

   5. DBDavid Bayer14:00

      Which makes this a really exciting time to be alive.

   6. LHLewis Howes14:02

      100%.

   7. DBDavid Bayer14:03

      Yeah.

   8. LHLewis Howes14:03

      100%. You know, I think a lot of people can resonate with what you shared around being really good at accomplishing success, but not feeling good at loving yourself. Do you believe that success is enough for someone to overcome their wounds, their traumas, their insecurities to actually love themselves?

   9. DBDavid Bayer14:22

      Well, you know-

   10. LHLewis Howes14:22

       Like, making the money, accomplishing the big dream-

   11. DBDavid Bayer14:24

       Yeah. No

   12. LHLewis Howes14:25

       ... making-

   13. DBDavid Bayer14:25

       No. Clearly, clear-

   14. LHLewis Howes14:26

       Is that enough?

   15. DBDavid Bayer14:27

       No. Clearly, the answer is no, and we, y- you know, um, from a coaching perspective, you know, those are the huddled masses that end up in our seminars, right?

   16. LHLewis Howes14:34

       Yeah.

   17. DBDavid Bayer14:34

       Our, our, you know, a, a segment of them are very successful people.

   18. LHLewis Howes14:38

       High achievers.

   19. DBDavid Bayer14:38

       Right.

   20. LHLewis Howes14:39

       Yeah, yeah.

   21. DBDavid Bayer14:39

       Right. And that'll really mess with your head because when you, when you think that that's actually the solution, and then you get there and it's not, um-

   22. LHLewis Howes14:46

       You're like, "I just spent 20 years chasing this thing-

   23. DBDavid Bayer14:49

       Yes

   24. LHLewis Howes14:50

       ... and I still have an empty hole inside me."

   25. DBDavid Bayer14:51

       Cor- correct. It's, I mean, o- one must imagine it's a terrifying moment, right?

   26. LHLewis Howes14:55

       Horrific.

   27. DBDavid Bayer14:56

       Yeah. [laughs]

   28. LHLewis Howes14:57

       It's like the worst feeling, right?

   29. DBDavid Bayer14:58

       Yeah. Right. And so, um, and there's an opportunity, which is a lot of what you do, to, like, even slow down for a second and go like, "Well, wait, well, what are, what are we even talking about with success? What is success?" Right? "What is greatness?" Um, because there's a good portion of the world that is, you know, measuring it by how much money's in your bank account still. Um, but, but I think we would talk about it in a, in a language of, like, you know, being authentic-

   30. LHLewis Howes15:21

       Mm-hmm
6. 15:31 – 22:25

   The Manifesting Formula

   1. DBDavid Bayer15:31

      perhaps the best definition of greatness is, like, you actually become who you came here to become.

   2. LHLewis Howes15:36

      Mm-hmm.

   3. DBDavid Bayer15:36

      And the beautiful thing is it's not about going out there and trying to figure out how to kludge together who you were meant to become. It's all here.

   4. LHLewis Howes15:42

      Yes.

   5. DBDavid Bayer15:42

      It's all there, right? Which, you know, there's, there's a, a distinction that we teach, um, that I'm so grateful for because, you know, having been in personal growth and healing for the last, I don't know, 15 years, um, and, and doing all the stuff, reading the books, going to the seminars. You know, I, I remember walking into Landmark Forum the first day that I did that and going to Tony's events and, um, you know, then, uh, getting into meditation and breathwork and, you know, dragging my poor wife, who was my girlfriend at that time, to India because I f- thought, "Well, maybe, you know, some monks can solve my problem for me," or doing the ayahuasca or the psilocybin or the, the therapeutically facilitated MDMA. Like, the whole thing, all the stuff.

   6. LHLewis Howes16:27

      Yeah.

   7. DBDavid Bayer16:27

      Right? The stuff. It... What I became aware of was a really simple equation for me, and this is what we teach, that w- distills down all of personal growth and, and success principles, uh, i- in, i- into one formula, which is desire plus non-resistance equals desired result. So whatever your desire is, if, if you wanna make more money, if you wanna heal your chronic health condition, if you wanna find your soulmate, if you wanna have more intimacy in the relationship that you're actually in, if you wanna become prime minister of Canada, whatever the, whatever the desire is, it doesn't matter what it is. If you can become psychologically and emotionally non-resistant to the desire 100% of the time consistently and predictably, you will crystallize that desire into your reality.

   8. LHLewis Howes17:12

      What does that mean? How do you do that? You have a desire, a dream, or a goal-

   9. DBDavid Bayer17:16

      Yeah

   10. LHLewis Howes17:17

       ... and you become non-resistant to what?

   11. DBDavid Bayer17:19

       To the desire itself because what happens is the moment you have a desire, two things, uh, enter your awareness. Number one is, of course, the thing that you want, but number two is the absence of it.

   12. LHLewis Howes17:30

       The lack.

   13. DBDavid Bayer17:30

       Yeah. It's not there yet.

   14. LHLewis Howes17:32

       Mm-hmm.

   15. DBDavid Bayer17:32

       And the brain will give a meaning to the absence of it. "Well, it's not there because there's not enough time. Well, it's not there because I'm not good enough. Well, it's not there because money is hard to make. Well, it's not there because there's something wrong with me. Well, it's not there because other people have it, and there's a limited amount of it in the world."

   16. LHLewis Howes17:47

       Mm.

   17. DBDavid Bayer17:47

       There's an explanation. It's, we're great explainers.

   18. LHLewis Howes17:50

       Yeah, yeah.

   19. DBDavid Bayer17:50

       Right? A- and that explanation is actually a limiting belief, and, and as long as that limiting belief exists, it's not that you can't produce the result because reality's very gracious with us. Like, nobody has a perfect mindset. Um, but as, if you can identify what the resistance is and do the inner work to transform it, you now become completely aligned and congruent with the outcome itself.

   20. LHLewis Howes18:15

       So give me an example of this around either love or money or-

   21. DBDavid Bayer18:19

       I'll give you a personal example for me.

   22. LHLewis Howes18:20

       Yeah.

   23. DBDavid Bayer18:21

       I started my podcast back in, um, July 4th. It was, it was the 4th of July in 2023.

   24. LHLewis Howes18:27

       Okay.

   25. DBDavid Bayer18:28

       And I was recording an episode, uh, every single day. Uh, sorry, every single week. Every day. [laughs] Can you imagine?

   26. LHLewis Howes18:33

       [laughs]

   27. DBDavid Bayer18:34

       I was recording-

   28. LHLewis Howes18:34

       Uh, that's kind of me. [laughs]

   29. DBDavid Bayer18:36

       [laughs]

   30. LHLewis Howes18:37

       It's almost.
7. 22:25 – 34:44

   Primal vs. Powerful States

   1. DBDavid Bayer22:25

      resistance? And for, for that, we go to a distinction called the two states of being.

   2. LHLewis Howes22:29

      Mm-hmm. Primal vs.

   3. DBDavid Bayer22:31

      Powerful states.

   4. LHLewis Howes22:32

      Yeah.

   5. DBDavid Bayer22:32

      Right? There's, there are only two states of being, primal states and powerful states. Primal states are states of being that don't feel good, states like stress, anxiety, overwhelm, anger, jealousy, depression, anxiety, boredom. That's when the sympathetic expression of the nervous system is active. We're in fight or flight.

   6. LHLewis Howes22:48

      Mm-hmm.

   7. DBDavid Bayer22:49

      And then there are powerful states of being, states like joy, curiosity, excitement, enthusiasm, peace, calm. Those are states of being that feel good, and that's when the parasympathetic state of the nervous system is active. You are always in one state of being or the other. You're never in two states of being at the same time. And what's interesting is that what determines what state of being you're in is not the experience, it's the meaning you're giving the experience.

   8. LHLewis Howes23:12

      Mm-hmm.

   9. DBDavid Bayer23:12

      It's the thoughts that you're having about money, the thoughts you're having about yourself-

   10. LHLewis Howes23:15

       Mm-hmm

   11. DBDavid Bayer23:15

       ... the thoughts that you're having about life. Why is this important? Because everything that you wanna create, all change that you desire, your vision board, your dreams, your goals, those will be produced from a powerful state of being. That's when you're connected to intuition, inspiration, uh, health, vibrancy, prosperity, abundance, presence, intimacy, connection. It's all in a powerful state. You don't get any of that when you're in a primal state.

   12. LHLewis Howes23:41

       Uh-huh.

   13. DBDavid Bayer23:42

       And so when we are in a primal state, we're in resistance. So if we're playing the game called desire plus non-resistance equals desired result, what we start paying much more attention to is, what state of being am I in?

   14. LHLewis Howes23:57

       Mm.

   15. DBDavid Bayer23:59

       And a root cause foundational way of starting to navigate life, which is a practice I'm in, not all the time, but a lot, is noticing when I've moved into a primal state, knowing that the only thing that is moving me into a primal state is my own thoughts and my own beliefs, and then observing those thoughts and beliefs and using whatever tools I have to move back into a powerful state of being. That's the practice. It's wax on, wax off.

   16. LHLewis Howes24:26

       Mm-hmm.

   17. DBDavid Bayer24:27

       If you do that consistently, eventually you'll produce the desired result.

   18. LHLewis Howes24:31

       What is the thing that gets you in a primal state of being the most?

   19. DBDavid Bayer24:34

       Me?

   20. LHLewis Howes24:34

       Yes.

   21. DBDavid Bayer24:35

       Um, physical sensations in my body that I don't like. My, my health has been one of my mountains to climb.

   22. LHLewis Howes24:42

       Like pains or like-

   23. DBDavid Bayer24:44

       Heart palpitations-

   24. LHLewis Howes24:45

       Yeah

   25. DBDavid Bayer24:45

       ... aches, pains, um-

   26. LHLewis Howes24:47

       So it puts you in more of a fear mind rather than a, a powerful frame of mind.

   27. DBDavid Bayer24:50

       Correct. It moves me into a primal state.

   28. LHLewis Howes24:52

       Yeah.

   29. DBDavid Bayer24:53

       Um, but there's plenty of things that move me into a primal state. You know, I, I, I have expectations on how my Tuesday's going to go.

   30. LHLewis Howes25:00

       Mm-hmm.
8. 34:44 – 38:21

   The Hustle Culture Myth

   1. DBDavid Bayer34:44

      little bit harder than just working with the raw material as it's showing up on a day-to-day basis.

   2. LHLewis Howes34:49

      Mm.

   3. DBDavid Bayer34:49

      It's right there for you.

   4. LHLewis Howes34:50

      Yeah.

   5. DBDavid Bayer34:50

      You know? You don't have to get into a deep hypnosis or get into EMDR. All great tools, right? But like, hey, it's showing up right now with the thing on Tuesday.

   6. LHLewis Howes34:58

      Yeah, yeah. What would you say, then, is the, the number one habit that most people are living and, and living by on a daily basis that they think is positive but is actually harming them in some way with their energy or their frequency to creating more?

   7. DBDavid Bayer35:15

      Again, it'll vary from person to person, but if, if we, like, focus that question on high performance-

   8. LHLewis Howes35:22

      Mm

   9. DBDavid Bayer35:22

      ... 'cause I know there's a lot of high performers that listen to the show. You're a high performer. It's, it's this... L- let's look at a bad equation. It's desire plus hustle and grind equals desired result.

   10. LHLewis Howes35:33

       Mm-hmm.

   11. DBDavid Bayer35:33

       Right? It's desire plus sacrifice your health and relationships for success equals desired result. And so... And that's reinforced by a lot of, um, hustle culture. I mean, you can throw a stone and find it on YouTube or Instagram. It's like, you know, if, if, if you're not working, somewhere someone is, and when you meet them, they will win. And like, I'm like, "Okay, well, maybe, but probably not," 'cause Christ said, "My yoke is easy," right? So, like, there's gotta be an easier way.

   12. LHLewis Howes36:03

       Mm.

   13. DBDavid Bayer36:03

       There's gotta be prosperity and abundance and possibility available for all of us. And so that was a big part of what I'm still down-regulating my nervous system towards, right? Is this idea of like, no, I just need to be... do more, or there's not enough time. People are living in time scarcity all the time, like you can't even breathe. And so again, going back to what I have come to learn is like, no, my... I don't need to hustle, grind. I don't need to find more time. I don't need to do anything that would insert itself into that desire plus other than non-resistance. And everything that shows up in that space that is not non-resistance is the resistance that needs to be worked on.

   14. LHLewis Howes36:44

       Mm. What would you say is the number one limiting belief of most people, then?

   15. DBDavid Bayer36:50

       Uh, I'm not enough. Yeah, being not good enough. And it makes sense when you look at what happened when we were children. So, you know, you've got beautiful eight-month-old daughters. I've got a three-and-a-half year old. And, um, what, what I see in my son is his expectation, rightfully so, of unconditional love from me. So we all expected unconditional love from our parents. But I don't care who your parent was, how good they were, and there are plenty that, you know, weren't great on paper. Um, but your parents are never gonna have unconditional love for you. They're conditional, right? They're... You have the condition of your career, you have the condition of your relationship with your spouse, you have the condition of being a single mom or a single dad, you have the condition of your own trauma. You have the, you have the condition of so many things. So there are always gonna be times when a child expects the parent to be present for them and the parent is absent because of conditionality. In that absence, the child subconsciously believes it has something to do with them. And so that is why we find, "I am not enough," or, "I'm not good enough," everywhere.

   16. LHLewis Howes38:01

       Mm.

   17. DBDavid Bayer38:01

       'Cause it happened to all of us. But... And this has become one of my passions, like really understanding the structure of reality and the structure sort of like a, uh, a metaphysical, uh, version of Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey. Like, what's really happening here?

   18. LHLewis Howes38:17

       Mm.

   19. DBDavid Bayer38:17

       Because if reality is loving, how do we explain all of these things that seem

9. 38:21 – 43:08

   The Midlife Core Program

   1. DBDavid Bayer38:21

      to be absent of love?

   2. LHLewis Howes38:22

      So how do you explain it?

   3. DBDavid Bayer38:23

      Well, um, my own experience and w- what I've seen consistently with, with other people is that, that, that not being enough, um, creates a compensation, which we talked about before, that becomes your personality. And so you embark upon this journey with a nervous system that-

   4. LHLewis Howes38:46

      To prove or to-

   5. DBDavid Bayer38:47

      To prove-

   6. LHLewis Howes38:48

      ... accomplish or-

   7. DBDavid Bayer38:48

      ... or to please or to whatever.

   8. LHLewis Howes38:49

      Yeah.

   9. DBDavid Bayer38:50

      Um, and what's, what seems to happen is that compensation that comes out of feeling like you weren't enough, which is your personality, works for a while.

   10. LHLewis Howes38:59

       Mm-hmm.

   11. DBDavid Bayer39:00

       Uh-

   12. LHLewis Howes39:00

       It's a good strategy.

   13. DBDavid Bayer39:01

       Yeah. It's a s- it's a strategy and it, and it has strengths, it has gifts. Um, but also remember-

   14. LHLewis Howes39:08

       Yeah

   15. DBDavid Bayer39:08

       ... it is a neurology. It's a nervous system. And so as it works, it starts to be applied into more and more areas of your life.

   16. LHLewis Howes39:16

       Yeah.

   17. DBDavid Bayer39:17

       And what happens is at about 40 years old, there's this emergence of what we would call the Core Program. It's between 40 and 60, where people would describe it as, "I don't understand. The thing that I've always been good at that got me to where I am is starting to be the thing that's suffocating me."

   18. LHLewis Howes39:33

       It's making me a prisoner.

   19. DBDavid Bayer39:34

       That's the Core Program.

   20. LHLewis Howes39:35

       Yeah.

   21. DBDavid Bayer39:36

       It, it's a overdevelopment of that neurology. And that will, uh, bring you to your knees. So p- peop- people have their long, dark night of the soul or they hit their bottom. It doesn't have to be with drugs or alcohol. It's like, "I just can't keep pleasing people."

   22. LHLewis Howes39:51

       Uh-huh.

   23. DBDavid Bayer39:52

       "I, I've given no time for myself and so now, um, the aspects of myself or my health are starting to degrade." Or someone has built up this personality that is, "I'm the one who's able to bring order to chaos," but now there's so much chaos that chaos just beats them down.

   24. LHLewis Howes40:07

       Mm-hmm.

   25. DBDavid Bayer40:08

       And in that beat down, which again is a byproduct of this overdeveloped aspect of your nervous system, um, you are incapable of solving it on your own.

   26. LHLewis Howes40:22

       Mm.

   27. DBDavid Bayer40:22

       So it doesn't matter what great personal development tool that you have. It doesn't matter what pills or potions you take. It doesn't matter what shaman you find with a great playlist. None of it works because that is meant to actually bring you back into relationship with the higher power of your own understanding so that you can finally experience the unconditional love that is there for you but was never meant to be given to you by your parents.

   28. LHLewis Howes40:46

       Mm.

   29. DBDavid Bayer40:46

       And what's beautiful about that-

   30. LHLewis Howes40:48

       Mm
10. 43:08 – 51:58

    Finding a Higher Power

    1. LHLewis Howes43:08

       Yeah.

    2. DBDavid Bayer43:08

       And the higher power thing is interesting, too, 'cause we have a lot of... There are a lot of people who... It's where I started. I, I, I think I probably would have considered myself atheistic and then agnostic, and then I started building a relationship with a higher power and, for me, the higher power was the universe. But what I've learned over time, for me, I'm not... don't have to put this on anyone else, is, uh, I was really inspired by the story of David in the Bible. I was like, "I want that. I want that personal relationship with God. I wanna be able to stand up to the Goliaths of my life and say, 'You know what? I know who my father is.'"

    3. LHLewis Howes43:43

       Mm.

    4. DBDavid Bayer43:44

       "I know what he does for me, and, and today I'm gonna show the whole world that there's a God in my life," right?

    5. LHLewis Howes43:49

       Mm-hmm.

    6. DBDavid Bayer43:50

       I wanted that. Because prior to that it was the universe, like I was in new age and law of attraction, and all that stuff is great. Like, I'm a huge Abraham Hicks fan. Like, all those things are amazing. They're a part of the journey, but I f- I felt like there was a difference between having a relationship with the creator and the created.

    7. LHLewis Howes44:06

       Mm-hmm.

    8. DBDavid Bayer44:07

       The, the universe is created.

    9. LHLewis Howes44:08

       By the creator.

    10. DBDavid Bayer44:09

        By the creator, right? And so I didn't really know where to find that, and I just started-

    11. LHLewis Howes44:13

        Mm-hmm

    12. DBDavid Bayer44:14

        ... you know, but I had seen in my life that when I ask, I receive. There is, there is this response. Not always as quickly as I would like it to be, but-

    13. LHLewis Howes44:22

        Mm-hmm

    14. DBDavid Bayer44:22

        ... and so I started just, um, really saying, "Hey, I, I, I wanna know what it looks like. What can I do? What is available to me i- to have a personal relationship with God?" And, um-

    15. LHLewis Howes44:32

        And what showed up for you?

    16. DBDavid Bayer44:33

        Well, we talked about, like, you know, my, my mountain is my body and my health, right? And so I, uh-

    17. LHLewis Howes44:37

        So you're 50 now, right?

    18. DBDavid Bayer44:39

        I'm 50. Well, that's not why, but yes.

    19. LHLewis Howes44:41

        No, but you're-

    20. DBDavid Bayer44:42

        Yeah

    21. LHLewis Howes44:42

        ... you're starting to feel-

    22. DBDavid Bayer44:43

        Yes. Well, yeah, no, there's, there's a-

    23. LHLewis Howes44:44

        ... the effects of 50

    24. DBDavid Bayer44:45

        ... there's a, there's a real thing, which is why, you know, um, focusing on lon- longevity, like we talked about-

    25. LHLewis Howes44:49

        Yeah

    26. DBDavid Bayer44:49

        ... is so important. But, um, in 2019 I had this ayahuasca ceremony that I did, and it was probably, like, my 12th ceremony that I had done, right?

    27. LHLewis Howes44:59

        That's a lot.

    28. DBDavid Bayer44:59

        Well, people count it as days, so it was like three or four ceremonies, 'cause some of them were-

    29. LHLewis Howes45:03

        True, true

    30. DBDavid Bayer45:03

        ... many, many days, right? And, um, it was super intense, and about three weeks later I, like, lost my sleep. I just couldn't sleep.
11. 51:58 – 56:24

    Root Cause of Addiction

    1. LHLewis Howes51:58

       do you feel like is the, the core root cause of all addiction?

    2. DBDavid Bayer52:02

       Unresolved emotional distress, you know?

    3. LHLewis Howes52:06

       For anyone who's an alcoholic or a sex addict or-

    4. DBDavid Bayer52:09

       Yeah. It al-

    5. LHLewis Howes52:09

       ... porn addict or whatever it is.

    6. DBDavid Bayer52:10

       It always is, which is... You know, there's a lot of ways to recover outside of 12-step. There, there's great programs out there, but that's what's so interesting, is, like, y- you, you don't... The, the 12 steps aren't about trying to get you to stop drinking or drugging or sexing or eating or whatever it is. The 12 steps are about identifying the underlying root causes which are the unresolved emotional trauma, uh, and transforming them, right? And so when you do that, then you're no longer using-

    7. LHLewis Howes52:41

       Mm

    8. DBDavid Bayer52:41

       ... in order to cope.

    9. LHLewis Howes52:42

       In this 12, the 12-step program, it's with AA, right? 12-step program is what it's called?

    10. DBDavid Bayer52:47

        Uh, it started with Alcoholics Anonymous, yeah.

    11. LHLewis Howes52:49

        The 12-step-

    12. DBDavid Bayer52:49

        Then you have all these other anonymous groups.

    13. LHLewis Howes52:51

        Yeah.

    14. DBDavid Bayer52:51

        Yeah.

    15. LHLewis Howes52:51

        In the 12-step program-

    16. DBDavid Bayer52:52

        Yeah

    17. LHLewis Howes52:52

        ... in your mind, what is the one step that if you didn't have, the 12-step program wouldn't work? Obviously you need it all, but if there... what is the one step, like, okay, if you had these 11 but this one was not there, you'd still be, you'd still be an addict?

    18. DBDavid Bayer53:10

        Uh, it's not exactly the, the, a step, right? Because, 'cause there is a step which is a, it, it admitting we were powerless over our addiction, um, and powerlessness is a funny thing for people. Um, but it's just, it's just the acknowledgement. It was the acknowledgement that I have a problem.

    19. LHLewis Howes53:26

        Really?

    20. DBDavid Bayer53:26

        Yeah, the acknowledgement that I have a problem and I've been unable to solve the problem on my own.

    21. LHLewis Howes53:31

        Do most people feel like they don't have a problem when they're addicted to something?

    22. DBDavid Bayer53:36

        I mean, I, yeah, I think for the most part that's, you know-

    23. LHLewis Howes53:39

        They don't think they have a problem.

    24. DBDavid Bayer53:40

        Yeah, and the, the, the challenge with that is twofold. One, we've normalized drinking.

    25. LHLewis Howes53:46

        Yeah, man.

    26. DBDavid Bayer53:47

        We've normalized sexual behavior.

    27. LHLewis Howes53:49

        Mm-hmm.

    28. DBDavid Bayer53:49

        And to some extent we've n- for me, we normalized cannabis, right? And so there's this normalization of these be-

    29. LHLewis Howes53:55

        You legalize it.

    30. DBDavid Bayer53:56

        Yeah.
12. 56:24 – 1:08:02

    Finding Your True Purpose

    1. LHLewis Howes56:25

       And how does someone, if they don't know what their purpose is, tap into what their purpose from God really is for them?

    2. DBDavid Bayer56:34

       Okay, two-part question. So I, I don't know that I started the... My wife and I started the, the current business we have, the coaching business, that has really been what we've been portraying to the world, we probably started trying to do it in like 2015. We had our first event in 2017, um, and then we had a business. And I knew it was what I was meant to do. I wouldn't describe it as a calling from God yet. The calling from God came in 2021. In late 2021, I had a, well, I don't even know if I was in my midlife at that point, but I, I, I had a crisis. Uh, I, I-

    3. LHLewis Howes57:12

       Five years ago.

    4. DBDavid Bayer57:13

       Yeah. I, I had a chapter. Um-

    5. LHLewis Howes57:16

       What was the crisis?

    6. DBDavid Bayer57:17

       Where... Yeah, so we, we just moved-

    7. LHLewis Howes57:18

       You were at 45 then, is that right?

    8. DBDavid Bayer57:20

       Yeah.

    9. LHLewis Howes57:20

       At the time? Yeah.

    10. DBDavid Bayer57:21

        Yeah. COVID had hit. Our business had to pivot to virtual. We were doing a lot of live events. Um, financially the business was starting to contract. My wife was pregnant with my son. Um, we were having a lot of friction. Um, some of it was chemical, some of it was just where we were in our relationship. We bought the home I told you about in Puerto Rico, but we were remodeling it, so we were living-

    11. LHLewis Howes57:43

        So it's-

    12. DBDavid Bayer57:43

        ... in an apartment in Old San Juan with my mother-in-law.

    13. LHLewis Howes57:45

        So you ha- you don't have stability. Your-

    14. DBDavid Bayer57:47

        Correct

    15. LHLewis Howes57:47

        ... your business isn't stable.

    16. DBDavid Bayer57:48

        Correct.

    17. LHLewis Howes57:49

        You're, you're spending more money than it's coming in.

    18. DBDavid Bayer57:51

        All, all the stuff.

    19. LHLewis Howes57:51

        The relationship.

    20. DBDavid Bayer57:52

        And I had a bunch of health challenges going on.

    21. LHLewis Howes57:54

        Yeah, so it's all happening.

    22. DBDavid Bayer57:54

        It was, it was coming from every direction. And, um, I, I had this episode where like I felt all that stress in my body. I tried to walk it off, I tried to breath work it off, and I couldn't shake it off. And so I got in the shower, a cold shower, and I, I just started yelling 'cause I n- I needed to get the energy out.

    23. LHLewis Howes58:11

        Screaming.

    24. DBDavid Bayer58:11

        So yeah, my wife and, and, and my mother-in-law come running in. They're all freaked out. Yeah, you can imagine, right? And, um, so l- long story short, I had a bunch of really amazing people around me with a lot of different resources. Um, but one of the people was my brother and he said, "Look, right now your life feels unmanageable. Why don't you go back to where you were able to, um, reestablish yourself when things got unmanageable before?" And I was like, "That's a good idea." So I started going to AA meetings. I hadn't been in years. And I called up a buddy of mine and I said, "Hey, you want to work the 12 steps with me?" And he said, "Sure. What are you, are you drinking again? Are you sexing?" I said, "No. I realize I'm a chronic worrier."

    25. LHLewis Howes58:50

        Mm.

    26. DBDavid Bayer58:50

        "So I want to work the steps around worry."

    27. LHLewis Howes58:53

        Mm.

    28. DBDavid Bayer58:53

        So we work those 12 steps, and man, I worked them seriously, and I saw things I had never seen before.

    29. LHLewis Howes59:00

        Like what?

    30. DBDavid Bayer59:00

        Um, resentments that I had, um, uh, limiting beliefs that I, uh, had, doubt that I had in my relationship with my higher power, and I also saw, saw how the 12 steps connected beautifully to the frameworks that I had been building.
13. 1:08:02 – 1:11:15

    Overcoming Time Scarcity

    1. LHLewis Howes1:08:02

       ahead of us, right? So we have to start looking at life with a different perspective, I guess, through a different lens. Where how do we not get scarce around time if you feel like it's running out or you don't have your whole life ahead of you, and focus rather on timing? How do you do that when you're not 12 years old?

    2. DBDavid Bayer1:08:23

       Well, I think there's a couple of things. I was having a conversation with ChatGPT that has all my labs and-

    3. LHLewis Howes1:08:28

       Everythin-

    4. DBDavid Bayer1:08:29

       ... uh, everything that I was doing, and I said, "Hey, based on my labs and based on current-"

    5. LHLewis Howes1:08:32

       How, [laughs] how long do I have to live?

    6. DBDavid Bayer1:08:33

       Based on current technologies, ba- based on how healthy I am, 'cause I'm actually an incredibly healthy human being-

    7. LHLewis Howes1:08:37

       Yeah

    8. DBDavid Bayer1:08:38

       ... uh, and based on the current technologies that are out there, stem cells, CRISPR technologies, all this stuff-

    9. LHLewis Howes1:08:42

       And what's coming

    10. DBDavid Bayer1:08:43

        ... that's, and what's coming. Uh, and granted, AI can hallucinate.

    11. LHLewis Howes1:08:47

        Yeah.

    12. DBDavid Bayer1:08:47

        I was like, "Give me an estimate of how long I'll live." So in terms of, like, health span, like living well, 125 years.

    13. LHLewis Howes1:08:53

        Wow.

    14. DBDavid Bayer1:08:54

        Okay, so that's my intention. If it's 125 years, I got 75 years to go. But, like, I have such insane compounding interest at 50. Like, if, if you ever look at how compounding interest works, right? If you were to set aside-

    15. LHLewis Howes1:09:08

        Yeah

    16. DBDavid Bayer1:09:08

        ... $100,000 a year, which is a lot of money for some people and it's not a lot of money for others, $100,000 a year and you just put it in some combination of the S&P 500, Bitcoin, gold, 8% average return. You could have a defensive position 'cause the world seems like it's [laughs] a little bit crazy right now. But if you just get an 8% annualized return at $100,000 a year that you put into that, over 40 years you're worth $22-24 million. But what's interesting is that if you live 10 more years, it's another $32 million.

    17. LHLewis Howes1:09:39

        Oh, yeah, that's crazy.

    18. DBDavid Bayer1:09:41

        So, uh, I, I'm just starting a hockey stick, so that excites me. Like, I c- I don't think I can even fathom what c- I can accomplish. So I could look at it as like, "I'm almost halfway through," or, "We got 75 years, bro, let's go," you know? So that's the way I look at it.

    19. LHLewis Howes1:10:01

        Mm-hmm.

    20. DBDavid Bayer1:10:02

        And again, part of it is turning it over to my higher power. Like, it's, it's a very edging God out type of conversation to have, but it's certainly... I mean, when I turned 50, believe me, I had it with myself, of like, like, "Where am I at?" And, you know, checking, "Am I as far along as I wanted to be now, and how much time do I have left?" And your mind will do this mental calculation, right? But the mind doesn't understand the compounding interest. So, you know, we just... That's why longevity is so important.

    21. LHLewis Howes1:10:28

        Yeah.

    22. DBDavid Bayer1:10:28

        But I, I, I do think, um, it is important to understand that no matter where you are in your life, the accumulation of your lived experience has set you up for such extraordinary growth moving forward.

    23. LHLewis Howes1:10:40

        Mm-hmm.

    24. DBDavid Bayer1:10:41

        And we don't give credit to that, uh, reality.

    25. LHLewis Howes1:10:44

        Yeah. You've got an amazing book out called A Changed Mind, which is go beyond self-awareness, rewire your brain, and reengineer your reality. This came out about a few years ago. Um, what is the one thing in this book you feel like if people took away one idea it would help them more than anything else?

    26. DBDavid Bayer1:11:03

        I struggled with limiting beliefs for a long time.

    27. LHLewis Howes1:11:06

        Mm-hmm.

    28. DBDavid Bayer1:11:07

        Uh, there were some that I had shifted, but others that I didn't. And, uh, I was in this burning desire inquiry of like, man, there's got to be an easier way

14. 1:11:15 – 1:13:35

    The Decision Matrix

    1. DBDavid Bayer1:11:15

       to shift my beliefs. Like, what is it that I need to know? My wife and I were going for a walk one day, and it's a two-millimeter distinction so it's, it's easy to miss, but it has just absolutely, um, dramatically changed the way I do my personal growth. And I see feedback from folks who've been in our work that it's this distinction. It's the distinction that beliefs are decisions. So w- when we were growing up, we came to the conclusion when our little buddy didn't show up at the drinking fountain that we can't trust people, but it was a decision. And as a result of that unconscious decision, it... we've been living in a hallucination ever since. We've only been paying attention to anything that supports that decision, and we've been ignoring everything else.

    2. LHLewis Howes1:11:52

       Mm-hmm.

    3. DBDavid Bayer1:11:53

       And if that's true, then at any point in time I should be able to identify a limiting belief and make a new decision.

    4. LHLewis Howes1:11:59

       Mm.

    5. DBDavid Bayer1:11:59

       And so we, we have this wonderful process in the book called the decision matrix, uh, that helps people identify the limiting belief, make a new decision, which is always the opposite of the limiting belief, and then ask a really simple question, which is, "What evidence do I have for the fact that this new decision is true?" And what you'll do is you'll actually source those memories that you've been filtering out. And as you do that, you build evidence for the new belief. And most often, by the time you're done with that little process and you look back at the limiting belief, it doesn't even make sense anymore.

    6. LHLewis Howes1:12:30

       Mm.

    7. DBDavid Bayer1:12:30

       But, but the idea that beliefs are decisions I think demystifies, uh, the concept of beliefs, because we can get into trauma and this and that and all these things, but ultimately they were unconscious decisions. And as an adult, you have an ability to respond, a responsibility when you find a limiting belief, and that is to make a new empowered decision.

    8. LHLewis Howes1:12:49

       Mm. The decision matrix.

    9. DBDavid Bayer1:12:51

       The decision matrix.

    10. LHLewis Howes1:12:53

        Mm. That's great, man. Um, I've got a couple final questions for you. This has been really powerful. I want people to check out your work, uh, before I ask the final questions. They can go to your podcast. It's called A Changed Mind. You're also on YouTube. You've got a great YouTube channel sharing a lot of this information. Uh, davidbayer33 on Instagram and YouTube, and wholehuman.com/greatness for anyone here watching or listening. Your team's created a free assessment that identifies people's two biggest limiting beliefs and gives you a powerful to- tool to transform them. So guys can, anyone can check out wholehuman.com/greatness to check out the free assessment as well. Um, this question is called the three truths.

15. 1:13:35 – 1:16:16

    David's Three Truths

    1. LHLewis Howes1:13:35

       Imagine you live to 125, healthy, whole human life. But it's the last day. Your creator says, "Time to go here to the next place." And you get to create and manifest anything you want from now until that moment. But for whatever reason, you have to take everything with you. Nothing can be left behind, your book, your work, your content. No one has access to this information anymore. But on your final day, you get to leave behind three truths, three things you know to be true or three lessons that you would leave behind. What would those three truths be for you?

    2. DBDavid Bayer1:14:09

       Oh, man. I've heard you ask this question on so many episodes. [laughs] Now I have to answer it.

    3. LHLewis Howes1:14:16

       Now you gotta answer it.

    4. DBDavid Bayer1:14:17

       Um, I th- I think one truth or encouragement is to believe in the certainty of the goodness of the future. That would be one. Um, the second truth would be that life is always working for your greatest growth, your greatest prosperity, and your greatest evolution. Um, and I think the third, uh, truth, uh, well, I think Jesus said it best, "All, all things are possible to he that believeth."

    5. LHLewis Howes1:14:44

       Mm.

    6. DBDavid Bayer1:14:45

       Yeah.

    7. LHLewis Howes1:14:46

       I wanna acknowledge you, David, for the journey you've been on. You know, for me it's like you're, you're 50, you have a child who's three and a half, and you've gone through a big transformation in the last five years. You've got a lot of wisdom to share. So I acknowledge you for putting it in the book, for doing the, the weekly podcast, for sharing this information, and for creating frameworks around the suffering and the pain you've experienced to try to give peace and resolution for people in their lives so they can understand how to go through the process better. And I think when people have gone through enough pain and shame and guilt and beating themselves up and have done the work like yourself and all the different programs, you can take kind of the best of those programs and share what's worked for you. So I wanna acknowledge you for doing that work, for suffering for as long as you did, and getting through it on the other side to finding more peace and purpose in your life and helping so many people. It's been really cool to connect and, and hear more about the book, so.

    8. DBDavid Bayer1:15:43

       Yeah, appreciate that acknowledgement. Thank you.

    9. LHLewis Howes1:15:45

       Of course, man. Final question, what's your definition of greatness?

    10. DBDavid Bayer1:15:49

        Uh, greatness is, uh, becoming who you came here to be, living your authentic self.

    11. LHLewis Howes1:15:55

        My man.

    12. DBDavid Bayer1:15:56

        Yeah.

    13. LHLewis Howes1:15:56

        Thanks for being here, brother.

    14. DBDavid Bayer1:15:57

        Thank you, brother, appreciate you.

    15. LHLewis Howes1:15:58

        Appreciate it.

    16. DBDavid Bayer1:15:58

        Yeah.

    17. LHLewis Howes1:15:58

        Powerful.

    18. DBDavid Bayer1:15:59

        If you look at the lowest level of consciousness, what I call the, the victim mentality, it's a level that I call to me. I would have the, the house, the car, the body, the money, the whatever, but everything happens to me. All stress comes from life not fitting your pictures, and the friction that that causes is really where most people get stuck

Episode duration: 1:16:17