How To Find Love & BUILD SEXUAL DESIRE In A Relationship| Matthew Hussey

Matthew Hussey 0:00 You know what makes relationships better? True realness, vulnerability. People living their truth, people being more real, being more, like, upfront, more direct. You know what makes you more attractive on a date? Being more real.

Lewis Howes 0:13 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 0:14 Not going there... You have people worry about their hair and they're like, "Is this all right?" Be, tell a real fucking story on the date.

Lewis Howes 0:21 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 0:22 That's what's gonna... You wanna talk about deep attraction, not surface level bullshit. Deep, surface level bullshit is in 2D on Instagram. Deep attraction, the kind of attraction that gets relationships, comes from real stories.

Lewis Howes 0:35 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 0:35 Real shared experiences. [upbeat music]

Lewis Howes 0:54 Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness Podcast. We've got one of my dear friends, Matthew Hussey, in the house. My man, super pumped.

Matthew Hussey 1:00 Back again.

Lewis Howes 1:01 Last time you were on was four years ago.

Matthew Hussey 1:04 We thought it was three, and then I went back and looked at it.

Lewis Howes 1:06 I know, man. It's crazy.

Matthew Hussey 1:06 And you, uh, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:08 Crazy.

Matthew Hussey 1:08 Four years.

Lewis Howes 1:09 And that episode blew up, and it continues to get a lot of traction on YouTube and audio, and you continue to blow up. You have a massive audience, uh, on social media, on YouTube, email. You have thousands of women that come to your live retreats every year, you know, thousands of people who are part of your courses and your programs, and you serve so many women who are struggling all the time in finding, uh, the right match for them, uh, a loving partnership, and, uh, a man or a partner they wanna be with. And you've been helping women for, I think, almost a decade now. Is that right? Eight to 10 years.

Matthew Hussey 1:48 Over, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:49 10 years.

Matthew Hussey 1:49 I, it's been over a decade now.

Lewis Howes 1:51 You-

Matthew Hussey 1:51 This is the 10, this year is the 10-year anniversary of our retreats.

Lewis Howes 1:55 Wow.

Matthew Hussey 1:56 And the retreats started, I don't know, three or four years into me doing what I do.

Lewis Howes 2:00 Wow, man.

Matthew Hussey 2:00 So-

Lewis Howes 2:01 You, so you started when you were, like, 15-

Matthew Hussey 2:02 I was-

Lewis Howes 2:02 ... teaching women how to-

Matthew Hussey 2:03 So I was 18 when I started, but I was working with men then, not women.

Lewis Howes 2:07 Right.

Matthew Hussey 2:07 When I was 21, I really made that transition to working with women, uh, and I've been doing that ever since.

Lewis Howes 2:13 That's amazing, man. And it's interesting, there's a lot that's happened in the last four years.

Matthew Hussey 2:17 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:17 Because Tinder really started exploding, you know, four years ago, I think. It was kinda four, three, two years ago. There was...

Matthew Hussey 2:26 And-

Lewis Howes 2:26 Coming around

Matthew Hussey 2:26 ... and perhaps lost its taboo maybe-

Lewis Howes 2:29 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 2:29 ... in that time.

Lewis Howes 2:30 Yeah, exactly. And then all the other apps came out to make it more accessible to swipe left and swipe right.

Matthew Hussey 2:36 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:37 And Instagram became a, a dating app essentially in itself.

Matthew Hussey 2:41 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:41 And SnapChat, and all these social media apps are just now-

Matthew Hussey 2:44 Yeah

Lewis Howes 2:44 ... dating and looking at, there's thousands of options. It seems like there's so many good options, yet not one great option for anyone.

Matthew Hussey 2:53 Well, when you say, you know, they've all become t- dating apps, it, then I, it makes me feel we've come full circle, 'cause wasn't that the original point of Facebook?

Lewis Howes 3:00 It was.

Matthew Hussey 3:00 Was to go on and see who-

Lewis Howes 3:01 On college, yeah

Matthew Hussey 3:01 ... who on college campus is single, you know, who's... That to me is-

Lewis Howes 3:07 Who's the cute freshman coming in

Matthew Hussey 3:08 ... kinda, yeah.

Lewis Howes 3:08 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 3:08 We kinda started there, and we've, we've, you know, it's now just many different ways to do it. Obviously social media is used for many different things. But I think-

Lewis Howes 3:16 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 3:16 ... anything that, that makes easier the, uh, ability to meet people... You know, Cal Newport, uh, in his book, uh, The Happiness Advantage-

Lewis Howes 3:25 Ah

Matthew Hussey 3:25 ... talks about the activation energy required for a task, and the higher the activation energy, the, uh, less likely it is you'll do something you wanna get yourself to do.

Lewis Howes 3:35 Right.

Matthew Hussey 3:35 So he uses the example of, like, if you wanna play guitar, keep it by the couch so that when you sit down to watch the TV, oh, the guitar's there. And if it's up in the closet upstairs-

Lewis Howes 3:44 Yeah, it's harder

Matthew Hussey 3:45 ... and you have to go and... Now, the activation energy is higher, you're less likely to practice playing the guitar. And I feel like the activation energy of meeting people when people had to go out-

Lewis Howes 3:56 Mm

Matthew Hussey 3:56 ... to a bar, you know, dress up, look the part, see someone across the bar, think about what they're gonna say, take the risk to get rejected-

Lewis Howes 4:06 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 4:06 ... in front of someone's friends or in front of their own friends, the activation energy was really high. And people, I think, whether they admit it or not, love the idea of the activation energy being really low. That I can slide into someone's DMs on Instagram and hit someone up with very minimal effort. I could be in my pajamas watching, you know, some TV show doing that.

Lewis Howes 4:32 Right.

Matthew Hussey 4:32 And I've also minimized the potential rejection from that. The rejection isn't happening in-

Lewis Howes 4:37 It doesn't hurt

Matthew Hussey 4:37 ... it's not happening in real time, at the very least. You might have the rejection of, I never got a response. But it's not-

Lewis Howes 4:42 But it doesn't hurt

Matthew Hussey 4:42 ... not quite, it's not the same, no.

Lewis Howes 4:43 You're not looking someone in the eyes.

Matthew Hussey 4:44 No.

Lewis Howes 4:44 Your heart's not beating out of your chest.

Matthew Hussey 4:46 It's not real time rejection of-

Lewis Howes 4:48 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 4:48 ... I approached you, and you're now being cold to me, or you don't wanna speak to me, or you tell me you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. That's, like, real time-

Lewis Howes 4:56 And I know you're lying

Matthew Hussey 4:57 ... in the moment. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 4:58 Do you really have a boyfriend?

Matthew Hussey 4:59 Right.

Lewis Howes 5:00 You know? How many times do you go up to a girl and they say, "I've got a boyfriend, thank you." You're like, "You're lying to me."

Matthew Hussey 5:04 [laughs] I just didn't do well enough.

Lewis Howes 5:06 I know.

Matthew Hussey 5:06 Um, so that, that is, you know, we've lowered the activation energy-

Lewis Howes 5:11 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 5:11 ... for meeting each other.

Lewis Howes 5:12 Wow.

Matthew Hussey 5:12 And that, I think, has saved a lot of people. But what it, but it's also done something else.

Lewis Howes 5:18 It's hurt a lot of us.

Matthew Hussey 5:20 It's interrupted a little bit, maybe a lot, the story of attraction. You know, I thought about this recently, how if, let's say before any of this-

Lewis Howes 5:35 Mm

Matthew Hussey 5:35 ... there was a man who meets a woman when they're out in some social environment, they exchange numbers. He goes home and he has to call her, right? Now, that takes guts. I have to pick up the phone, I have to have a conversation, and, you know, already I'm kind of investing. If you know what I mean. Before I've even made the phone call, I'm investing 'cause I'm thinking, "What am I gonna say? And how do I come across right? And how do I steel my nerves?"

Lewis Howes 6:02 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 6:02 That's a form of investment, and we tend to value what we invest in. So I'm now already beginning to value this person more because I'm having to try at something.

Lewis Howes 6:10 Mm-hmm. Because I, I, I met her, I got her number, exchanged information-

Matthew Hussey 6:13 Oh

Lewis Howes 6:13 ... and I'm thinking about the next step.

Matthew Hussey 6:15 Yes. And even just, by the way, the meeting someone out and exchanging numbers, there's a story already happening there.

Lewis Howes 6:20 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 6:20 It worked. I went over to someone, and it worked.

Lewis Howes 6:24 And there's a potential for something.

Matthew Hussey 6:25 Oh, my God. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 6:26 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 6:26 She could have said no, and she didn't. And sh- and I knew, and I thought I was attracted to her, and I went over there, and I did the thing.

Lewis Howes 6:34 And she confirmed it.

Matthew Hussey 6:35 And it worked, and now I have her number, and this is a story that's happening. And you go home, you think about it, make the call.

Lewis Howes 6:43 You tell your friends about it.

Matthew Hussey 6:44 You tell your friends. That's a form of investment.

Lewis Howes 6:46 I met this girl.

Matthew Hussey 6:46 I met this girl. You gotta hear about this girl. You gotta see this girl. Just adding to the story.

Lewis Howes 6:53 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 6:54 Now you go on a date. On that date you have a great time. Where am I gonna take this person? What am I gonna do? After the date, you go home, and you might have to wait three days or four days till the next date with this person, and in those three or four days, you may not consider it work, but you are working for that person.

Lewis Howes 7:14 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 7:15 There's a chasing that's going on in your mind. There's an investment that's going on in your mind, an, an imagination, uh, the narrative that's happening, and that is all part of that kind of natural courtship-

Lewis Howes 7:28 Mm

Matthew Hussey 7:28 ... that l- that pulls us into the next stage of the interaction, whether it's date two, date three, date four, exclusivity-

Lewis Howes 7:36 Commitment

Matthew Hussey 7:36 ... moving in together.

Lewis Howes 7:37 Yeah, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 7:37 Whatever it is. Now compare that with someone, you know, hits someone up, swipes. We got a match, okay? There's, like, no activation energy to that, really.

Lewis Howes 7:50 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 7:50 We got a match. Who are they? Okay. Read their tagline. Loves, you know-

Lewis Howes 7:54 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 7:55 ... dancing in the rain.

Lewis Howes 7:56 Loves.

Matthew Hussey 7:56 Whatever they, you know. Okay, yeah, well, you know, so what's up? You all right? You know, you wanna hang out? You know, let's go for a quick drink. They get out together. He comes back, or she comes back from a date to five more matches.

Lewis Howes 8:11 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 8:13 Before he's even got time to process whether he had a good time, and what was it about this person, what... There's already more options coming at someone. There's more... Or at the very least, you can go home and ex- explore more options from your bed that night-

Lewis Howes 8:29 Mm

Matthew Hussey 8:29 ... after a date. So it's interrupting the circuitry.

Lewis Howes 8:34 Which will give you more dopamine, which will give you more excitement.

Matthew Hussey 8:36 Yeah, you're getting a- a ch- attracted to the novelty again right now-

Lewis Howes 8:41 Mm

Matthew Hussey 8:41 ... not the depth of where this thing might now lead. Now, I'm not saying that that's insurmountable and that we're just all... This is not me painting a picture of doom and gloom about current dating. I do think there is a toxicity, there is a toxic element to modern-day dating. But it's not, I'm not defeatist about that.

Lewis Howes 9:01 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 9:01 I just think that the impact we make on people in the time we have with them becomes that much more important.

Lewis Howes 9:09 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 9:10 'Cause you can no longer rely on being the only person they're talking to that week or that month.

Lewis Howes 9:17 There might be, uh, five dates that week, and 100 messages from guys or whatever.

Matthew Hussey 9:21 Yeah. Well, and probably today, for a lot of people, it's less likely they're on five date this, dates this week, but they're talking to 10 people this week.

Lewis Howes 9:29 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 9:30 You know? They're not m- a lot of people are going on fewer dates than everyone thinks.

Lewis Howes 9:35 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 9:35 People are having a lot less sex than everyone thinks. But what's happening is there's a lot of nonsense conversations.

Lewis Howes 9:43 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 9:44 Superficial, you know, going nowhere, incessant texting conversations-

Lewis Howes 9:50 Crazy, right?

Matthew Hussey 9:50 ... happening.

Lewis Howes 9:51 And no one's actually even just getting on the phone and talking, are they?

Matthew Hussey 9:54 Not unless they wanna be different.

Lewis Howes 9:56 Right.

Matthew Hussey 9:56 And that, that's where it really begins to shift, is you have to be the person who's different.

Lewis Howes 10:04 That takes a risk, stands out.

Matthew Hussey 10:07 That, yeah. Well, and that, that's the current question, is in a world with more noise than ever, and for all of your people out there watching right now, everything I think we talk about here in this hour, we can apply to business, too.

Lewis Howes 10:23 Of course.

Matthew Hussey 10:23 You can apply it everywhere.

Lewis Howes 10:24 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 10:24 I get hired to go do speeches for corporates, where I apply what I've learned ta- in 10 years of attraction-

Lewis Howes 10:32 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 10:33 ... and relationships to business, 'cause it's the same thing going on everywhere right now. There is so much noise. Everyone's talking, in business, too, right? It used to be that you were, you know, in a, if you were a personal trainer, you were competing with the five personal trainers on your gym floor, and maybe down the street at the other local gym. And that was the, those were the people that were your competition.

Lewis Howes 11:01 Yeah. Now that everyone's a fitness trainer, [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 11:03 Now anyone with an Instagram account and a six-pack-

Lewis Howes 11:06 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 11:07 ... is your competition.

Lewis Howes 11:08 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 11:08 Who's trying to sell their digital program-

Lewis Howes 11:10 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 11:10 ... or trying to, you know, convince people that they don't need to go to their local trainer, that I might be the other side of the world, but I've got something special for you, that you should do it with me.

Lewis Howes 11:19 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 11:19 So the, the whole thing has opened up, and what that means is that you can no longer rely on just the scarcity of people to be special. I'm the only one in town.

Lewis Howes 11:34 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 11:35 You know, even if you live in a small town, the, someone's options are only limited to the radius they set their dating app to.

Lewis Howes 11:41 That's it, right.

Matthew Hussey 11:42 Right? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 11:42 300 miles.

Matthew Hussey 11:42 If I wanna expand it out by another state, [laughs] I got a lot more options.

Lewis Howes 11:46 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 11:46 So it, we now can no longer rely on that. We have to be- We have to have a voice that defines us. We have to have a voice that makes us different. You know from your business.

Lewis Howes 11:57 Of course.

Matthew Hussey 11:57 You know how many podcasters keep joining every day, every day, every day.

Lewis Howes 12:01 Thousands a day.

Matthew Hussey 12:01 You no longer can rely on having the, the market share simply because you're doing podcasting.

Lewis Howes 12:07 No.

Matthew Hussey 12:07 Right? You have to now be a voice that's different. Why are people... People only have so many hours in a week, right? This is a, a long form podcast. It's, you know, the interview's an hour or so on. Why are people gonna sit with their limited-

Lewis Howes 12:21 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 12:21 ... hours and listen to my hour instead of th- these other six or 10 top podcasters? Because we can't listen to them all.

Lewis Howes 12:27 Right.

Matthew Hussey 12:27 So now your voice matters. And in dating, our voice matters because-

Lewis Howes 12:35 Mm

Matthew Hussey 12:35 ... it's not enough anymore to just be a viable dating option for someone.

Lewis Howes 12:40 But do people even really want to stand out to have a committed longterm relationship?

Matthew Hussey 12:45 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 12:45 Or are they more just, they say they want the commitment-

Matthew Hussey 12:49 Mm

Lewis Howes 12:49 ... but their actions don't back it with just constantly, um, being surface level, or constantly being a part of the noise as opposed to trying to stand out.

Matthew Hussey 12:58 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 12:59 It's like they might try to, especially with guys, it's like, okay-

Matthew Hussey 13:02 Mm

Lewis Howes 13:02 ... maybe it seems like more women wanna be committed than more guys wanna be committed.

Matthew Hussey 13:07 I, well, that's a tricky one. I, most people I believe who think they are evolved enough for a relationship are not.

Lewis Howes 13:20 Right.

Matthew Hussey 13:21 And-

Lewis Howes 13:21 When do you know a relation-

Matthew Hussey 13:22 For a long time, by the way, I count myself in that category-

Lewis Howes 13:24 [laughs] Me too

Matthew Hussey 13:25 ... where I thought I was-

Lewis Howes 13:26 Me too, Matt

Matthew Hussey 13:27 ... I really thought, there were times in my life where I really thought I was a great, I was a great guy.

Lewis Howes 13:34 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 13:35 I wasn't a, I was a... It wasn't that I was ever a nasty person. I was never a mean person. I was never a... But I wasn't the great partner I thought I was.

Lewis Howes 13:44 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 13:45 It's not like I, you know, there are times in my life where I thought, God, I'm just, I'd just be a great partner to someone, and I was not ready to be a great partner to someone. Because I think the first time you really give yourself to something, really commit yourself to not just your own happiness and your own needs, 'cause that's what most people talk about-

Lewis Howes 14:07 Mm

Matthew Hussey 14:07 ... when they talk about a relationship, is their needs, their happiness, right? How good it feels to be in a relationship. It's about them, but it's not about seeing someone else, truly seeing someone else-

Lewis Howes 14:24 Mm

Matthew Hussey 14:24 ... and understanding who they are, and understanding what their needs are, and supporting them and their happiness and their goals and-

Lewis Howes 14:32 Is a great relationship when you stop thinking about your needs and you just say, "I'm gonna give to this person," and, and look at them from a place of understanding and wanna bring them so much joy and fulfillment. And not expect in return, but hopefully the other person is saying the same thing to, to, about you?

Matthew Hussey 14:49 Well, y- yes and no. The, there's a lot of, there are a lot of people who on that idea, that ethos, have lived a very masochistic life for a long time.

Lewis Howes 15:01 Really?

Matthew Hussey 15:04 That, by the way, you, what you just described could describe one of two things. One beautiful, one terrible.

Lewis Howes 15:11 Uh-huh.

Matthew Hussey 15:12 What you just described could either be an extraordinary relationship of two givers, or it could describe unrequited love.

Lewis Howes 15:22 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 15:23 It could describe the person who is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to someone and playing the martyr in their own relationship. They keep ignoring me. They keep, you know, not meeting ni- my needs. They keep being selfish. They keep... But I am just gonna show up-

Lewis Howes 15:40 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 15:41 ... and be my best-

Lewis Howes 15:41 The best partner

Matthew Hussey 15:42 ... and love them and give my all, and one day they will turn around to meet me-

Lewis Howes 15:48 Mm

Matthew Hussey 15:48 ... in that.

Lewis Howes 15:49 Right.

Matthew Hussey 15:49 Many, many people have, have r- caused tremendous suffering to themselves and, and wasted a lot of good years-

Lewis Howes 15:58 So is it both-

Matthew Hussey 15:59 ... doing that

Lewis Howes 15:59 ... give to yourself, make sure you're asking for what you need, but also giving?

Matthew Hussey 16:04 It's, I, it's a combination of respecting what your core needs are. What, what do I need, like when it really comes down to it? What's my standard for what I need? Now, how exactly someone meets that standard is, that's where the messiness of relationships comes in. 'Cause you say, "I wanna be respected," and then someone does something and you go, "I don't feel respected." But they go, "But that doesn't mean a lack of respect to me."

Lewis Howes 16:36 Right.

Matthew Hussey 16:37 So now we have a whole conversation on the execution of a standard-

Lewis Howes 16:40 Oh my gosh

Matthew Hussey 16:41 ... and different definitions of what meets that standard. That's, that's where the confusion comes in, and that's where we have to have some really loving cooperative conversations to figure out, am I, you know, am I being... This is one of the hardest parts of a relationship. Am I being reasonable-

Lewis Howes 16:59 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 16:59 ... in asking for what I'm asking for, or is this my insecurity speaking?

Lewis Howes 17:03 Oh, wow.

Matthew Hussey 17:04 You know? Am I... Which one is talking? And sometimes we're so close we don't even know. That's the danger. That's, by the way, I see one of the most valuable jobs I can do for people in my work is not to be a smarter voice than they are. 'Cause people are sm- people can be great. They can, when it comes to their friends or people around them or whatever, they can be very smart. But to be an objective voice outside of their drunken haze.

Lewis Howes 17:34 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 17:34 'Cause we're so close to something we get, we, we're, we're not sober, and now we don't have logical answers to questions 'cause someone's... We get to the point we're arguing about something, I don't even know if I'm right. I don't know if the thing I'm saying is, is, if I'm being the insecure one or, or if I'm being the reasonable one. And sometimes we leave a situation and we go God, I was insecure

Lewis Howes 17:57 Oh.

Matthew Hussey 17:57 And sometimes we leave and we go, "I can't believe I let someone convince me I was crazy."

Lewis Howes 18:01 Right.

Matthew Hussey 18:02 They, like, they were the one that was doing the wrong thing, and they convinced me that I was nuts.

Lewis Howes 18:08 So how do we step out of that emotional feeling where we're feeling overwhelmed or disrespected or hurt or sad or like the relationship didn't meet an expectation-

Matthew Hussey 18:17 Mm

Lewis Howes 18:17 ... or communication was off, and we're in it, and we're communicating, and we're both frustrated, how do you step out and look at it from a different point of view so that you just don't keep repeating that conversation over and over-

Matthew Hussey 18:29 I mean, it's-

Lewis Howes 18:29 ... and don't hurt it further?

Matthew Hussey 18:31 Yeah. I, I think there's a, we have to have a really healthy combination of always questioning ourselves and, and saying, "Where is this coming from for me, and would it really hurt me to compromise on this standard?"

Lewis Howes 18:46 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 18:47 Is, is, would it be the more loving thing to do to understand this about my partner? But in order to... That, that needs to be combined with a, a simultaneous respect for ourselves and what we need, and to, I think, go to a situation and say, "Okay, I wanna be the most understanding, compassionate, loving partner I can be who doesn't inhibit or limit my partner, who supports them, wants them to do great," but I also need to recognize that, um, it's not... What was I saying? I lost my train of thought. I need to be the person that can, um, be understanding... What was I saying? Be understanding of my partner.

Lewis Howes 19:33 You wanna be the most understanding of someone else, but you also have to know your own needs.

Matthew Hussey 19:38 Be understanding of someone else, but... Oh, that's right. I need to be the person that is understanding of the needs of my partner and what they want, but at the same time, um... La, what was it? Loves my... I need to be understanding of my partner's needs. Ah, that was it. I need to be understanding of my partner's needs, but the context of me being super compassionate and understanding needs to be that I am, um, that this is happening in a loving environment where my partner wants to be my teammate.

Lewis Howes 20:12 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 20:13 If we're in a situation where our partner isn't showing empathy for us and isn't tr- like, if you feel they're not trying to, that we're always coming to that side, that's a problem.

Lewis Howes 20:24 That's tough.

Matthew Hussey 20:25 That's a problem.

Lewis Howes 20:25 There should be seeing, I see where you're coming from as well type of energy and communication.

Matthew Hussey 20:30 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 20:30 Not just, "I'm not getting what I want. You did this wrong."

Matthew Hussey 20:33 You need to feel you have a teammate.

Lewis Howes 20:35 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 20:36 And a lot of people feel like they're constantly being understanding, but they don't have a teammate on the other side. I'm constantly trying to grow and understand your position, but I don't feel the same from your side. That then becomes a problem.

Lewis Howes 20:52 How do you have a conversation so that it switches or becomes more of a equal partnership and teammate? If you feel like you're the only one being on the team-

Matthew Hussey 21:01 Mm

Lewis Howes 21:02 ... how do you get the other person-

Matthew Hussey 21:04 I think we need to communicate a lot about what, about the spirit of the relationship. You know what I mean? Like, what's-

Lewis Howes 21:12 Not keeping score.

Matthew Hussey 21:14 Yeah. Like, pride is a very hard thing to give up in a relationship because we become competitive often very quickly when we feel threatened, when we feel vulnerable-

Lewis Howes 21:24 Mm

Matthew Hussey 21:24 ... when we feel our partner's done something to hurt us. Now I'm s- now how do I score a point? Or how do I-

Lewis Howes 21:31 Mm. Right.

Matthew Hussey 21:32 And that's, that's a just, once you get into that cycle, it's like you're just, it, it spirals. It has to, one person has to be prepared to break that cycle.

Lewis Howes 21:45 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 21:46 I'm not gonna do that game. And I do believe that we have to love the way we wanna be loved, and we have to constantly educate our partner on what it is to love. N- not from a arrogant place, but we're all, in a, in a sense, both partners are always educating each other by you do something I don't like, and if I have a loving, compassionate response to that, I'm also showing you what I want this to be in reverse.

Lewis Howes 22:17 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 22:18 When I do something you don't like-

Lewis Howes 22:20 Right

Matthew Hussey 22:20 ... here's the response I want. Not-

Lewis Howes 22:21 I'm not attacking you

Matthew Hussey 22:22 ... not a game-playing response, not a, you know? Like, i- if you see a partner, you're in the early stages of relationship, and you feel your partner was really flirting with someone over there, having a conversation about something that made you feel uncomfortable but from a loving place and from a kind place and from a place of, "That made me feel, you know, it, it hurt me to-

Lewis Howes 22:43 Uncomfortable. Yeah

Matthew Hussey 22:44 ... to see that," and not, "I'm gonna blame you, and I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna get angry," but that, you know, that made me feel uncomfortable. Bringing an energy like that, most people aren't used to that-

Lewis Howes 22:54 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 22:54 ... in a relationship. We're not used to that standard of communication. We're used to doing something, and then someone attacks us. We-

Lewis Howes 23:01 Reacting.

Matthew Hussey 23:01 Yeah, exactly. So I think it's educa- we're constantly educating.

Lewis Howes 23:05 What's it gonna take for us to not react to a situation where we feel hurt or like we, our expectation wasn't met from our partner and come from that place?

Matthew Hussey 23:14 God, it's so difficult.

Lewis Howes 23:16 Because why, why-

Matthew Hussey 23:17 Space

Lewis Howes 23:17 ... do we react so much?

Matthew Hussey 23:19 Some- sometimes it's just space. Like how I need to take a, a moment to, to process something so that I can say, I can have a more evolved response.

Lewis Howes 23:30 And not react. It's funny. I've been... You know, the relationship I've been in, uh, which is newer in the last five months, I wanna talk about something right away and address it. She doesn't wanna talk. She wants to have space so she doesn't react.

Matthew Hussey 23:45 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 23:45 So she, she's, and she'll say, like, "I don't wanna get angry at you. I don't wanna yell at you."

Matthew Hussey 23:49 Mm.

Lewis Howes 23:49 "That's not the type of person I wanna be, so I'd rather just not talk." And then I'm in limbo, and I'm like-

Matthew Hussey 23:54 Oh, it's hard

Lewis Howes 23:54 ... I just wanna, I just wanna, like, get, resolve this thing.

Matthew Hussey 23:57 You wanna fix it.

Lewis Howes 23:57 Let's at least communicate, and then we can move on as opposed to holding onto something-

Matthew Hussey 24:01 Yeah

Lewis Howes 24:02 ... for a half a day or, or a few hours.

Matthew Hussey 24:03 Yeah. Spa- I, I, that, here's the thing, space is easy when you get a text you don't like, you know? Or when you-

Lewis Howes 24:13 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 24:14 ... see something you don't like from afar and, and-

Lewis Howes 24:16 Mm

Matthew Hussey 24:16 ... you're not gonna see that person for a few hours or till tomorrow. Now you have space to go through, you know, I'm angry. You know, I'm really, really angry. I'm upset. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I feel rejected. I don't feel enough. I... You know, you can kinda cycle through those, and then have a couple of sensible conversations with people whose opinions you respect. You and I have done this. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 24:42 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 24:42 You know, where we sit down-

Lewis Howes 24:43 And be like, "It's not that big a deal."

Matthew Hussey 24:44 Yeah, you sit down-

Lewis Howes 24:44 Take a break

Matthew Hussey 24:45 ... and you go, okay, this thing, I'm feeling this, and I'm s- hurt, and I'm this, and I'm that, and I'm that. And you have a couple of smart voices-

Lewis Howes 24:53 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 24:53 ... either that come from in here-

Lewis Howes 24:54 And which is hard to do

Matthew Hussey 24:55 ... which is very hard to get that objectivity, and, or that come, you know, from just one or two people whose opinions you really respect, who aren't gonna tell you what you wanna hear.

Lewis Howes 25:07 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 25:07 Who aren't gonna tell you, "You're so right to be, to feel that way."

Lewis Howes 25:10 Get angry. Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 25:11 You need someone who is brave enough, and close enough to you, and smart enough sometimes to recognize you, um, concerned that, that you're overreacting to this.

Lewis Howes 25:20 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 25:21 And that this, this reaction is not gonna serve you.

Lewis Howes 25:25 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 25:25 And that I think you need to bring this energy to the conversation. That is extremely valuable. What's hard is when you get information in real time, and you're with the person, and you're in the same room, and now you're dealing with trying to process and create that, you know, okay, I need to... I'm trying to get to a more positive place here-

Lewis Howes 25:48 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 25:48 ... while being asked to communicate in real time.

Lewis Howes 25:51 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 25:51 Well, real time elicits reflex responses, and reflex responses are often very harmful to a relationship. It's the, um, reflex responses are often based on instinct.

Lewis Howes 26:03 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 26:03 And instinct is very-

Lewis Howes 26:04 It's raw

Matthew Hussey 26:04 ... very dangerous.

Lewis Howes 26:05 [laughs] False instinct. Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 26:07 We're so, we're so often told, you know, trust your instincts, and it's just not often great advice.

Lewis Howes 26:14 If you're not emotionally intelligent, and if you haven't, if you're jealous all the time, then having a jealous instinct isn't necessarily the best thing.

Matthew Hussey 26:21 But some of these instincts are kinda hardwired, right? What, what we're doing with a lot of our better nature is overcoming certain programming that we have. You know, in a riptide, you get pulled out to sea. Your instinct tells you in that moment to swim back to shore against the current.

Lewis Howes 26:45 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 26:46 Ignore the riptide. I just need to get back to shore. Which is stronger, you or the current?

Lewis Howes 26:52 The current.

Matthew Hussey 26:53 And it will drown you.

Lewis Howes 26:54 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 26:54 You will exhaust and drown before you get back.

Lewis Howes 26:57 True.

Matthew Hussey 26:58 So you, you-

Lewis Howes 26:59 Until it washes you to shore, and just like, [laughs] dead

Matthew Hussey 27:02 Right. So in that moment, fighting harder-

Lewis Howes 27:04 Oh

Matthew Hussey 27:05 ... won't save you. Thinking clearer will. And thinking more clearly means I need to swim sideways. I need to swim parallel. Let it take me out, swim further or swim parallel-

Lewis Howes 27:18 It's gonna be uncomfortable

Matthew Hussey 27:19 ... because I've actually, I'm giving myself a fur- a longer journey, but then when I'm out of the current, then I can swim back to shore.

Lewis Howes 27:25 Yeah, that's true.

Matthew Hussey 27:26 Now, that's not, instinct won't get you to do that, 'cause that requires thinking clearly. Instinct will drown you in that moment. And in a relationship, in dating, your instincts will get you killed.

Lewis Howes 27:38 That's true.

Matthew Hussey 27:38 You know, your instinct says, the, a woman goes on a date with a guy and has a great time, and says, your instinct says, "Clear the calendar for the next three months. We found him."

Lewis Howes 27:50 Right.

Matthew Hussey 27:50 [laughs] We did it, guys. Cle-

Lewis Howes 27:53 We had an amazing night

Matthew Hussey 27:54 ... clear the schedule.

Lewis Howes 27:55 We were connected on every level.

Matthew Hussey 27:56 He's awesome. We have a great connection. Cl- clear the calendar. This is what we're doing now.

Lewis Howes 28:03 Wow.

Matthew Hussey 28:03 Even if, I'm not even saying someone who hates the rest of their life. You can like your job and still be so caught up in the chemical rush of, "This was amazing," that this is all you wanna do now.

Lewis Howes 28:16 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 28:17 Right? Well, this isn't good for what you want to happen here. What do you want to happen? Well, you wanna get to know this person better, spend more time with them, invest at an organic pace based on the level of investment that's going on, right? A thing I've said for years, don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest on, ba- based on how much they invest in you.

Lewis Howes 28:41 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 28:42 But people don't do that. People invest on instinct. I really like them, and my investment is proportionate to how much I like them, not how much I'm seeing there's a mutual investment.

Matthew Hussey 28:55 Did I tell you about the castle?

Lewis Howes 28:57 What castle?

Matthew Hussey 28:57 All right. This is, you're gonna like this. So I was thinking about this whole idea of investment.

Lewis Howes 29:04 Like buying a castle?

Matthew Hussey 29:06 Well, that's the thing. You can't buy a castle for a relationship. I, see-

Lewis Howes 29:10 Mm

Matthew Hussey 29:10 ... to me, the relationship is the castle, right? When you meet someone and you have a connection, 'cause I'm always, I'm, you know me, I do seminars all over the world. We have thousands of women come and join us, and the thing that, there's always someone who puts their hand up and says, it starts the story with, "Matt, I have this incredible connection with this guy."

Lewis Howes 29:30 So they're already in a relationship?

Matthew Hussey 29:31 Now I know... No, no.

Lewis Howes 29:32 They're just dating.

Matthew Hussey 29:33 Often not.

Lewis Howes 29:34 Yeah. [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 29:34 Now I k- now I know we have a problem, when someone's justifying whatever they're about to say next with what an incredible connection they have with someone.

Lewis Howes 29:43 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 29:44 An incredible connection is like you meet someone, you connect, and you have a great plot of land. This plot of land could be great because it's in the middle of a forest, could be great because it's on the cliffs overlooking the ocean.

Lewis Howes 29:59 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 30:01 It's a beautiful place to build That's the connection ... it's still just a connection, but it's still just a plot of land. Mm. All right? Let's see it for what it is. It's potential. Yeah. Still just a plot of land. Now what you need is two builders, two people who are gonna build something here, and that requires two people who show up each day and lay brick after brick after brick after brick, and slowly but surely create a castle. Most people have the experience of someone who joins them on that plot of land, and they both look at it and they're like, "Isn't this great? Look at the ocean. This is great. Look at the view we have here. Look at the trees. Look at the... This is amazing." And they get real excited. Now, one of them might be willing to build. Mm. One of them might be a builder. The other one might just really like the potential of this plot of land. And then you have someone who's there building every day. They're doing the investment. Mm-hmm. I have the woman come to me who's building, and a guy who's left the construction site. [laughs] I don't know where he is. He's at home, he's binge-watching his favorite show. He's out on another... He's looking at another plot of land. Wow. You know? And then three weeks later he calls in and says, or he, you know, he sends a text to her after three weeks of ghosting her or just disappearing or just patchy communication, and says, "Thinking of you." That's a builder who started building then left the building site for three weeks, and called in from home and went, "How's the castle going?" Wow. Meanwhile she's over there building the castle on her own. You can't build on your own. And the problem we have right now is there are too many people who value the connection instead of the castle. Castle is where it's at. Mm-hmm. And if you don't have a true builder who over time is gonna build... That's, that's what... A, a relationship is a castle. This is why love at first sight is bullshit to me. Doesn't work. I can't... It's just whatever. It takes time It's all, it's infatuation. It's, you, she's hot, he's hot [laughs] . He's, you know, there, there's some connection there that's based on the fact you like this and I like this. Oh my God, we're supposed to be together. This is only part of the equation. You've... A castle becomes a castle because two people work on it, and it becomes unique and ornate, and there are secret passageways- Mm ... only the two of you know about. Mm-hmm. And there's an argument that knocks down a wall, and then you build it up and fortify that wall. Interesting. And it makes it even stronger. And, you know, the, the weather over time weathers the stone on the castle in a unique way that makes it your castle. There's other castles in the world, but this one is uniquely yours. It's been built by the two of you. It's been hard won, you know? That's a relationship. It's why, you know, a 20-year relationship or marriage, or a 30-year relationship or marriage is, is special, is because two people have had to go through- Mm ... shit together. Yeah. They've done things together. They... This isn't fantasy. This isn't building a castle in the sky. Mm. The idea of love, the idea of what we could be, the one-day wager. I call it the one-day wager, the one day. I'm making a wager that one day you'll be what I want you to be. Mm. One day you'll, you'll invest in me the way I want you to. One day you'll change. The one-day wager is the most dangerous wager you can possibly make in your love life. Wow. The real shit is what's going on now. Yeah. Is someone trying? Do they wanna be here? Are they focused on the little shit, not just the big shit? 'Cause anyone can go and have a... Like, people say, "But when we're, when it's great, it's great." It's amazing, yeah. When we go out, like, "We go, we've been on some amazing dates," or, "We did that vacation." We're on vacation. [laughs] "We had the best time. It was amazing." Of course, you were on fucking vacation. Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 34:04 Anyone can go to Disney World and have a great time. It's Disney World, right? [laughs] That's the, that's the job- Yeah ... of the place, is to make sure you have a great time no matter who you're with. Right. Right? But you know what? When I was 13, I had a, like... I, when I was, I think I was 12 or 13, my parents took me to America for the first time. Mm. And we came to Florida, and where do you think we went? We went to Disney World. Disney. [laughs] And I was m- massively excited, you know. I was, I was so- Hogged ... excited. I was excited to be in America. I was excited to see the things I'd seen on TV. Uh-huh. Excited to see the references to movies I'd seen. Excited for the rides. We go into Disney World, and I learnt something very interesting about myself there. This is gonna sound profound for a trip to Disney World. Mm. At 13, yeah. But I, but I realized something about myself. 'Cause of course I go in there, it's magical. It's, oh my God, this is crazy. It's huge. You take your photo with Mickey. You- You go on Space Mountain. Yeah. You, yeah, there's Mickey there. There's all these dazzling attractions. But it was something that stood out to me even more than Space Mountain, even more than the big ride, and it was the trash cans. Oh, yeah. On some level that maybe I couldn't fully articulate at that age, I saw the trash cans and I was moved by it. Mm. I said, "Someone cared enough about this place to theme the trash cans." Yeah. The trash can in Tomorrowland is a futuristic trash can. The trash can in, you know- Mm-hmm ... Indiana Jones Land or whatever it's called is a- Right ... tiki bamboo trash can. It- The trash cans were different depending on where you were

Lewis Howes 36:13 It's amazing.

Matthew Hussey 36:13 Someone cared so much-

Lewis Howes 36:15 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 36:15 ... about the detail of that world, that they styled and themed the trash cans. It moved me.

Lewis Howes 36:22 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 36:23 I've never forgotten that.

Lewis Howes 36:24 Wow.

Matthew Hussey 36:24 The trash cans in life.

Lewis Howes 36:26 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 36:27 And I've thought about that endlessly in my business.

Lewis Howes 36:31 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 36:32 When I do retreat, I just got back from my retreat, and, you know, someone ca- I told this story on the retreat, someone came to me at the end of the retreat because of all the little details we put on the retreat, you know?

Lewis Howes 36:43 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 36:43 The little... It's not just a, it's not just a seminar or an event.

Lewis Howes 36:46 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 36:46 It's, we hold parties and inside those-

Lewis Howes 36:48 Experience. Yeah

Matthew Hussey 36:49 ... And it's an immersive world. It's like i- it- it's- it's we like to think we've created the immersive theater of the self-development world.

Lewis Howes 36:58 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 36:59 And, uh, someone came up to me at the end of this retreat and said, "You achieved trash can status."

Lewis Howes 37:06 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 37:08 And it-

Lewis Howes 37:08 That's big

Matthew Hussey 37:09 ... th- the 13-year-old in me wanted to cry.

Lewis Howes 37:12 Wow, that's amazing.

Matthew Hussey 37:13 Right? And it, it moved me again, and I, and I thought, "That's what I want." And I'm, I thought about this even today as I was coming here, and I was like, you know what? This absolutely applies to relationships too. Often in a, you know, in a breakup, often when people are going through difficult times with their partner or whatever-

Lewis Howes 37:36 Mm

Matthew Hussey 37:37 ... the thing they go back to is, "But we had that amazing trip. But we had those amazing times." They, they go to these highlights. They go to the Space Mountain of their relationship. They go, "But remember when we met Mickey?" It's that, right?

Lewis Howes 37:51 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 37:52 The, the meeting Mickey moment of their relationship. But relationships are about the trash cans, man. It's the trash cans.

Lewis Howes 38:01 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 38:02 'Cause guess what? In a day at Disney, you ride Space Mountain once.

Lewis Howes 38:05 It's-

Matthew Hussey 38:05 Maybe twice.

Lewis Howes 38:06 It's a moment

Matthew Hussey 38:06 How many times do you use the trash cans?

Lewis Howes 38:08 Every day. All the time.

Matthew Hussey 38:10 Every 20 minutes, every 30 minutes.

Lewis Howes 38:14 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 38:14 It's the trash cans. And what will define your relationship is the trash cans, not Space Mountain.

Lewis Howes 38:23 Mm. The lower moments.

Matthew Hussey 38:25 The, the moments-

Lewis Howes 38:26 The messy moments

Matthew Hussey 38:26 ... that, that are barely noticeable.

Lewis Howes 38:28 Uh-huh.

Matthew Hussey 38:29 The moments, the m- the micro attractions.

Lewis Howes 38:35 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 38:36 The moment where we do something sweet, where we think of our partner when we didn't need to, when we worry about the, the day they had or support them or even just support them silently or in private, you know? Or support them by what we don't bring to them.

Lewis Howes 38:53 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 38:53 Or... It's that. It's the detail. It's the detail, and that's what's gonna determine how great your life is. And my concern is, and we've all been there, my concern is the number of people out there who are staying in the wrong thing because of the Space Mountain of the relationship.

Lewis Howes 39:14 The few moments that were magical.

Matthew Hussey 39:16 Or they're spending too much time grieving the loss of the wrong thing because all they remember is Space Mountain.

Lewis Howes 39:24 Interesting.

Matthew Hussey 39:24 They don't, they don't think of how shitty the trash cans were. And the trash cans, that's the stuff. That's the day-to-day.

Lewis Howes 39:33 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 39:33 How good was it day to day? This is the difference between being in love and being happy.

Lewis Howes 39:38 Mm. What is the difference between love and happiness?

Matthew Hussey 39:41 You can be in love and be really unhappy.

Lewis Howes 39:44 Be suffering inside and be in love.

Matthew Hussey 39:46 You can have constant, be in love and be having a relationship that's causing you constant anxiety, constant heartache, constant pain, feeling overlooked, not feeling important. You can be in love and all of those things still be true. [laughs] How crazy is that? We think that love is this thing where it's like it's rational, like I'm gonna love, I'm gonna be in love with this person who brings me joy. Not true. And we need to start worrying more about happiness because if someone isn't building with you, if someone isn't committing to actually building the castle with you-

Lewis Howes 40:22 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 40:23 ... that's the quality of your life-

Lewis Howes 40:25 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 40:26 ... not how in love you are.

Lewis Howes 40:29 You might love certain things about them. You might have loved the date you went on. You might have loved the, the Space Mountain or the-

Matthew Hussey 40:34 The certain characteristics they had

Lewis Howes 40:35 ... the sex was incredible.

Matthew Hussey 40:36 How charming they were.

Lewis Howes 40:37 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 40:37 How charismatic, the how whatever. It didn't, but maybe it doesn't mean that you're happy day to day.

Lewis Howes 40:46 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 40:46 There's a big difference, right?

Lewis Howes 40:49 When do you know, I love this analogy, and it made me wanna ask you about when do you know you're ready for a committed, intimate relationship? When do you know you're ready for it as opposed to you just feel alone and you wanna have someone in your life?

Matthew Hussey 41:07 I guess when-

Lewis Howes 41:08 And-

Matthew Hussey 41:08 ... when you're ready to build.

Lewis Howes 41:11 So when-

Matthew Hussey 41:11 When you're ready to build, when it's not you're going there because the fantasy of it all is exciting to you, but when you're actually ready to build. And, and that doesn't mean that you're not looking... See, the castle analogy is, is cool because when we were talking earlier about this idea of giving without expectation, well, you, you do expect something in a relationship, right?

Lewis Howes 41:35 Yeah. Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 41:36 It's overly simplistic. We do expect things. We expect respect.

Lewis Howes 41:40 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 41:40 As loyalty, defined on whatever t- terms loyalty means to us.

Lewis Howes 41:44 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 41:45 Love, appreciation, all of that. To be seen. We have a lot of expectations in a relationship, so it's not a relationship where we just, we give without expectation. But that to me is where the building thing is really interesting to me, 'cause you wanna work damn hard as a builder-

Lewis Howes 42:01 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 42:01 ... in your relationship, but you want someone else who's building too, right? That's where the expectation comes in. I'm gonna, I'm gonna work hard to build this thing. And I'm gonna build it at a really high standard.

Lewis Howes 42:14 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 42:15 I'm not gonna look at your work and go, "Well, if you missed out-"

Lewis Howes 42:17 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 42:18 "... some of the grouting there," then I'm gonna-

Lewis Howes 42:20 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 42:20 ... you know, like skip it on my end. No, this is my standard.

Lewis Howes 42:23 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 42:24 I'm gonna build to a really high standard.

Lewis Howes 42:26 What if the person you've been with for a year isn't building to your standard?

Matthew Hussey 42:29 That's, that's a conversation. That's a real conversation. Like, here's what I need. Here's the kind of relationship I wanna have.

Lewis Howes 42:37 When do you start to s- just say, "Well, it's okay if they do half the job that I do, and-"

Matthew Hussey 42:42 Is the job, is the job they're doing half-assed one you really need them to do well, or is it one that can be done half-assed? You know?

Lewis Howes 42:49 Right.

Matthew Hussey 42:50 Sometimes I think th- th- there are certain things we let go in a relationship. That's where the compromise comes in. That's where the sacrifice comes in. There are certain things I'm okay with you not doing as well as I once thought I needed-

Lewis Howes 43:01 Yeah, yeah, yeah

Matthew Hussey 43:01 ... someone to do them. Eh, I thought this thing was really important.

Lewis Howes 43:04 It's not.

Matthew Hussey 43:05 It's not that important.

Lewis Howes 43:06 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 43:06 I love you.

Lewis Howes 43:07 [laughs] Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 43:08 Sweetie, what are we doing?

Lewis Howes 43:09 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 43:09 Don't worry, it's not that big of a deal. I, and we've all done that. We've all seen those things that once were important to us and we let them, we say, "You know what? This... I was at an age where I thought that was really important, and it's no longer as important or significant as I made it." And then there are things that never stop being important, or they become more important, you know? The ability to communicate well. I think as you get older, those things become more important.

Lewis Howes 43:35 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 43:35 The ability for someone to have genuine empathy, to, the, the ability for someone in, let's say, an argument to, to not jump to saying a spiteful thing-

Lewis Howes 43:47 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 43:47 ... that's hard to then forget. Someone who doesn't try and do damage in an argument, but tries to build, tries to figure out, "Let's figure this out together."

Lewis Howes 43:56 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 43:56 "We may both be hurt, but let's come to this in a loving way." When you're younger, you say shit that's just mean-

Lewis Howes 44:02 Hurtful

Matthew Hussey 44:03 ... 'cause you're hurt.

Lewis Howes 44:04 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 44:04 Right? And then you realize, oh, God, three months later, they still remember that comment. Even though they said they forgot it-

Lewis Howes 44:11 But they hold onto it

Matthew Hussey 44:11 ... they still, they, they still f- have that in their head. I'm not doing that again. There's certain things that I think as you get older, hopefully, if we mature, we start to see these are the, this is the important stuff.

Lewis Howes 44:23 What do you think are the, I didn't prep you on this before, but what do you think are the three or five components to a foundation of a relationship that has the potential to really thrive longterm, committed for decades? What are, like, it needs to have these three or these five things, otherwise it's gonna be really challenging to be, to sustain this type of love and joy and happiness.

Matthew Hussey 44:49 I mean, a couple of simple ones, I guess, are I need to, I need to show up for my partner in ways that they need me to, not just ways that are comfortable to me.

Lewis Howes 45:04 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 45:06 We, in other words, pay attention to what your partner actually needs. Because it's really easy to say, you know, "I'm gonna bring them lunch every day."

Lewis Howes 45:17 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 45:17 That's, that's, like, I, I'm a really good cook and I'm really, you know, I wanna slave away every morning to bring them lunch every day 'cause, you know, that's me giving. Maybe they don't need you to-

Lewis Howes 45:26 They don't care

Matthew Hussey 45:26 ... bring lunch every day. Like, maybe they don't care. Maybe what would mean the most to them is you, them getting home and you really being interested in their day.

Lewis Howes 45:35 Mm-hmm. Do you think l- uh, love languages is an important part of this, where it's, like, understanding someone's love language and giving them their top priorities?

Matthew Hussey 45:43 Yeah, I think, I think it's, I think that it's an interesting framework-

Lewis Howes 45:47 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 45:47 ... and it's been for a lot of people a very successful framework. Um, I think any framework that just allows you to kind of, you know, create a little, a structure for things-

Lewis Howes 45:55 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 45:55 ... that gives you some simplicity around it is, can be valuable.

Lewis Howes 45:58 Sure.

Matthew Hussey 45:59 You know? And it doesn't mean it's the only framework you can apply-

Lewis Howes 46:01 Right

Matthew Hussey 46:01 ... but it, it's a valuable model to work from.

Lewis Howes 46:04 So it's showing up in ways that they need.

Matthew Hussey 46:05 So, so showing up in ways, yeah, not what do I wanna give-

Lewis Howes 46:08 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 46:08 ... but what do they actually need from me?

Lewis Howes 46:10 And I think that's a lot of, that's a lot of conflict in relationships because-

Matthew Hussey 46:13 Huge

Lewis Howes 46:14 ... I, and I think you need to understand, do I wanna do something that's uncomfortable every day, that's not foreign to me, or that's foreign to me?

Matthew Hussey 46:20 Mm.

Lewis Howes 46:21 Or do I wanna find a partner that enjoys the things that I like to give?

Matthew Hussey 46:26 Well, that's, that's, that's an interesting question. I, you know, and probably-

Lewis Howes 46:30 I might be attracted to this person

Matthew Hussey 46:31 ... any relationship is gonna be a bit of both, but sometimes-

Lewis Howes 46:33 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 46:33 ... it works even without, like, that's a kind of compatibility issue.

Lewis Howes 46:37 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 46:37 But I think it even works outside of that in day-to-day stuff 'cause you might say, "The thing I wanna give to my partner is an awesome, you know, night together," but maybe what they need is an awesome night with their friends.

Lewis Howes 46:49 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 46:50 And the, maybe the most loving thing you can do is say, "Hey, I know you haven't seen this person in a while. You should go and see them. I know that relationship is important to you."

Lewis Howes 47:00 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 47:00 "You should go and hang out with your mom tonight." Or, you know, recognizing not what's easy for me to give, but what might be less comfortable for me to give, but is actually what would mean the world to them.

Lewis Howes 47:12 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 47:13 And, and I think if you really wanna make yourself irreplaceable to someone, it's recognizing that.

Lewis Howes 47:19 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 47:19 Because no one else is gonna do that for them. I mean, you know what I mean? Like it's, they-

Lewis Howes 47:23 At that level, yeah

Matthew Hussey 47:23 ... some maybe, but it's really rare to find someone who, who is willing to do that for you.

Lewis Howes 47:28 Mm-hmm. Okay, so that's number one.

Matthew Hussey 47:29 The second thing is to work on yourself-

Lewis Howes 47:31 Yep

Matthew Hussey 47:32 ... and to say, "I'm responsible for me. My partner isn't responsible for me. I need to do the work to be the most loving, confident person I can be in this world."

Lewis Howes 47:46 What, one of the-

Matthew Hussey 47:47 Is fulfilled-

Lewis Howes 47:47 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 47:48 ... has their own purpose, has things that drive them.

Lewis Howes 47:50 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 47:51 That, to me, is very, very important. If...

Lewis Howes 47:57 What's the first thing people should do to do work on themselves? 'Cause you thw- you threw a few things out there, but what's like-

Matthew Hussey 48:03 I mean, firstly, do you have, maybe, here's an interesting question you can ask yourself: If I had 10 hours free right now, what would I do with them?

Lewis Howes 48:12 Interesting.

Matthew Hussey 48:13 If you can't give a good answer to that question- You might already be describing one of the weaknesses of your relationship

Lewis Howes 48:20 Yeah. And bin wa- binge-watching a series is not the best-

Matthew Hussey 48:23 No

Lewis Howes 48:23 ... use of your time.

Matthew Hussey 48:24 It's, you know ... That, if, if the answer is, "Oh, my God, well, I have my purpose, the thing I love getting stuck into," or it doesn't even have to be some grand purpose. Not everyone has found, like, their life's calling, but it could be, "I really wanna learn this language-"

Lewis Howes 48:38 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 48:38 ... "or I really wanna see this friend, or I really wanna go and..." You know, whatever it is. Read this book or learn this thing.

Lewis Howes 48:44 Take care of my health.

Matthew Hussey 48:45 Yeah. I wanna, I can't wait to get to the gym. I- If... You should be able to answer the question of, my partner canceled on me today-

Lewis Howes 48:52 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 48:53 ... what would I do with that day now? And if you can't, that, then you're, you begin to describe the person who's sitting there waiting for their partner to text them.

Lewis Howes 49:03 [exhales] Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 49:03 Waiting for their partner to make them feel good enough.

Lewis Howes 49:05 And that's not attractive.

Matthew Hussey 49:07 It's not, and it's not fair to our partners.

Lewis Howes 49:09 It's a lot of pressure.

Matthew Hussey 49:10 It's a lot of pressure. And, and by the way, people put a lot of pressure on their partners by expecting their partner to put a Band-Aid on all sorts of things for them.

Lewis Howes 49:19 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 49:19 You know, if they're feeling... Like, w- there's a lot of rhetoric about vulnerability right now. Now, I think vulnerability is huge. I think the work that people like Brené Brown are doing and so on is huge.

Lewis Howes 49:29 Right.

Matthew Hussey 49:29 It's massively important. Vulnerability is absolutely an act of courage, and we should encourage it more, both sexes all the time. But here's... Vulnerability is something's making me insecure, and I'm, I'm gonna share it with you because you're my partner and I love you, and I tell you things, right?

Lewis Howes 49:52 But you don't wanna do that every day, right?

Matthew Hussey 49:52 It goes beyond vulnerability if an hour from now I tell you, "Oh, God, I'm feeling insecure again."

Lewis Howes 49:58 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 49:59 And then an hour from now you go, "That thing's affecting me again."

Lewis Howes 50:02 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 50:02 And this m- tonight... Because now in a way what we're doing is instead of sharing, we're dumping.

Lewis Howes 50:10 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 50:12 I'm asking you now to fix it for me, to put a Band-Aid on it for me. Now-

Lewis Howes 50:15 Make me feel better, yeah

Matthew Hussey 50:16 ... of course it's part of our part. A loving partner will support you and will do everything in their power to make you feel loved, and to make you feel safe, and to make you feel secure. And it's absolutely true that sometimes what we're feeling as insecurity is because our partner isn't doing their job-

Lewis Howes 50:35 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 50:35 ... in those things.

Lewis Howes 50:36 That's true.

Matthew Hussey 50:36 Right.

Lewis Howes 50:36 They're not building.

Matthew Hussey 50:37 They're not building. They're, they're doing things that are proactively making-

Lewis Howes 50:40 Mm

Matthew Hussey 50:40 ... us feel insecure. There's minor betrayals.

Lewis Howes 50:43 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 50:43 Minor neglects, uh, all of that. But sometimes we have to say, "Okay, what part of my, what part of this am I responsible for?" And it's my, it's my partner's responsibility, it's our part, responsibility in life together to share.

Lewis Howes 50:59 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 51:00 To share the load, to work towards things together, but it's not your job to carry the load for me.

Lewis Howes 51:05 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 51:06 To carry my problems, to put the Band-Aid on every day. I need to-

Lewis Howes 51:10 Maybe once in a blue moon, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 51:11 Of course, of course. And we-

Lewis Howes 51:12 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 51:12 ... and we're all gonna do that.

Lewis Howes 51:13 Yeah, of course.

Matthew Hussey 51:13 We're all gonna have, like, we're, we're gonna have days, weeks, times where we're going through something really serious.

Lewis Howes 51:20 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 51:20 And our partner's job is to show up.

Lewis Howes 51:22 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 51:22 You know? But my friend of mine who's kind of blunt said to me, "Some days or weeks you get to be needy, and difficult, and high maintenance, and boring, and, you know, insecure, and then you don't." [laughs] And I thought, yeah. Like, we get to be those things for a time-

Lewis Howes 51:45 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 51:45 ... until we don't, until it gets too much for somebody else because we need to be, at l- at the very least, we need to show our partner we're committed to our own growth.

Lewis Howes 51:55 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 51:56 So the, you know, the first one, what did we have? Uh-

Lewis Howes 51:58 Show up

Matthew Hussey 51:58 ... show up in ways they need, not just ways you wanna show up. The second one's, uh, work on yourself.

Lewis Howes 52:04 Yep.

Matthew Hussey 52:05 Um, I think, I guess the third one, it... To me, teamwork is everything.

Lewis Howes 52:19 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 52:19 Like, being a genuine team is huge. Really looking at each other as teammates as opposed to you're there to meet my needs, or I'm competing with you-

Lewis Howes 52:30 Gosh

Matthew Hussey 52:30 ... in some way.

Lewis Howes 52:31 Man, I've done that before.

Matthew Hussey 52:32 Like, we're an actual team. I, and I saw, you know, one of the things I loved most about Chris Rock's recent standup, Tambourine.

Lewis Howes 52:38 I haven't seen it yet.

Matthew Hussey 52:39 Such a genius name. The whole concept is, you know, about the idea that he couldn't in his last marriage play the tambourine.

Lewis Howes 52:47 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 52:47 He couldn't play the, the backup instrument, right?

Lewis Howes 52:50 Right.

Matthew Hussey 52:51 And, and I thought that was such a great, great, uh, metaphor because in a, in a good relationship, in a, in a really genuinely mutually supportive relationship, the, some days you play tambourine, some days you're their teammate. Y- you can't... He, you know, the way he says it, her success is your success, and vice versa. You're in this together. You... And, and some days that person's the, the, the lead, and you're, you're on tambourine, and a lot of people have never learned how to play tambourine.

Lewis Howes 53:27 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 53:29 You know, there's the other thing, I don't r- remember where it comes from, but every relationship has a, a flower and a gardener, right? Well, I don't, most people don't wanna be in a relationship where they're always the gardener.

Lewis Howes 53:40 And they wanna be the flower.

Matthew Hussey 53:41 Never the flower, right?

Lewis Howes 53:42 Blooming all the time.

Matthew Hussey 53:43 Yes. And sometimes you have to be the gardener, no matter how long you've played the flower, right?

Lewis Howes 53:49 Right.

Matthew Hussey 53:50 You and I have played flowers a lot in our lives, right?

Lewis Howes 53:54 Sure.

Matthew Hussey 53:54 We've been used to being a certain, you know, having a leader role, and having these kind of big lives and big worlds and whatever, and then you go to a relationship, and the relationship doesn't give a fuck.

Lewis Howes 54:04 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 54:05 [laughs] You know what I mean?

Lewis Howes 54:06 About you.

Matthew Hussey 54:07 No.

Lewis Howes 54:08 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 54:08 I don't care if you're the-

Lewis Howes 54:10 You wanna be the flower

Matthew Hussey 54:10 ... le- you know, that you're the flower out there in the world, sometimes in our relationship you have to be the gardener. Sometimes you gotta play tambourine even if to everyone else you are the, the constant flower.

Lewis Howes 54:22 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 54:23 Right? Movie reference, Constant Gardener. Well, you can't [laughs] you can't be-

Lewis Howes 54:27 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 54:27 ... the constant flower, right? You ca- you might be in your business-

Lewis Howes 54:31 Right

Matthew Hussey 54:31 ... in some way, but, but-

Lewis Howes 54:32 In a relationship it's different

Matthew Hussey 54:33 ... you can't, now you're coming as two equals.

Lewis Howes 54:35 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 54:37 And so it's, so much of it's checking your own damn ego, and being like, "I'm in this to, to be with you as a teammate." Not this or this, this.

Lewis Howes 54:51 When do you know you've found your match for life? Or your potential match for life, or you think this could be the match?

Matthew Hussey 54:57 By the way, these are much harder questions than the first interview we did together.

Lewis Howes 55:00 [laughs] I know.

Matthew Hussey 55:01 Um-

Lewis Howes 55:01 Is it when you see these three things after a period of time and you feel convinced that the, the, the bricks are being laid equally in a certain way?

Matthew Hussey 55:09 Well, I, yeah, when I think when you have to-

Lewis Howes 55:12 Like, when do you say, "I'm ready to be committed, all-in?"

Matthew Hussey 55:15 I, I think there are four, four stages-

Lewis Howes 55:18 Oh, okay

Matthew Hussey 55:18 ... to a relationship.

Lewis Howes 55:19 Stage one.

Matthew Hussey 55:21 Stage one is admiration.

Lewis Howes 55:22 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 55:23 That's when you don't have a relationship with this person.

Lewis Howes 55:26 You admire, like, attraction.

Matthew Hussey 55:27 I look you, and I look at you and I'm like, "This person's hot. They have something about them."

Lewis Howes 55:32 Uh-huh.

Matthew Hussey 55:32 "I like their qualities. I like their energy."

Lewis Howes 55:35 They have a good potential.

Matthew Hussey 55:36 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 55:37 Okay.

Matthew Hussey 55:37 And by the way, that doesn't even mean they have good potential for you right now. It just means this is a p- person of high potential in some way.

Lewis Howes 55:44 You, you admire them, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 55:46 The second stage is connection.

Lewis Howes 55:48 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 55:48 And y- you could, I think, in that, in a sense, connection and chemistry are both relevant to this stage 'cause you have this person where there's a mutual like. I like things about you, you like things about me. I think you're attractive, you think I'm attractive. We share some common ideas, common grounds in life, our outlook, whatever.

Lewis Howes 56:09 Beliefs, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 56:09 Yeah. Uh, that could be found on a great date, right? Doesn't really mean much still.

Lewis Howes 56:16 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 56:17 This is the plot of land.

Lewis Howes 56:18 Yeah. You can have great sex, there can be chemistry, you can-

Matthew Hussey 56:21 Of course

Lewis Howes 56:21 ... make out all night.

Matthew Hussey 56:22 None of this means you're gonna have a great relationship.

Lewis Howes 56:24 Okay.

Matthew Hussey 56:27 The third stage is commitment. That says, "I want to do this with you. I am committed to building with you, and you are committed to building with me."

Lewis Howes 56:41 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 56:42 Right? That's a really great stage to be at. It's very important, right? It's, you can't have a relationship without that. Any relationship without that or where that's one-sided is unrequited love-

Lewis Howes 56:56 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 56:56 ... by definition.

Lewis Howes 56:57 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 56:57 And there are a ton of people out there right now who say, "I'm just..." You know, I, I created a program recently called Attraction to Commitment, which literally dealt with why people keep getting stuck in limbo.

Lewis Howes 57:08 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 57:08 Why they keep getting stuck in the casual phases and it never gets to a relationship. And one of the things that fascinates me is how long we stay with something that's just casual, that isn't a real relationship, on the hope that it will change.

Lewis Howes 57:22 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 57:22 Um, unrequited love, you know? Certainly unrequited commitment.

Lewis Howes 57:28 [laughs] Yeah. It's a nice time when you're like 23, right? [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 57:33 Right. That's stage three.

Lewis Howes 57:35 Uh-huh.

Matthew Hussey 57:35 Stage four is compatibility.

Lewis Howes 57:37 Mm, man.

Matthew Hussey 57:39 And the hard thing, I think, for a lot of people is, I used to question this one myself, like, if, you know the idea love conquers all, right?

Lewis Howes 57:50 It doesn't. It does not.

Matthew Hussey 57:52 I wish. I like it. I like that phrase.

Lewis Howes 57:54 It's an amazing... [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 57:55 I love the phrase. I love the sentiment of it.

Lewis Howes 57:57 It's a ma- amazing bumper sticker, you know?

Matthew Hussey 57:59 And there's nothing, you know, what is more powerful in the world than, than love.

Lewis Howes 58:03 And all you need is love.

Matthew Hussey 58:05 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 58:05 It's not true.

Matthew Hussey 58:05 Apparently [laughs] apparently not.

Lewis Howes 58:07 It's not true.

Matthew Hussey 58:08 We need a little more. It, you can have love without commitment, right? And you can have, you can have commitment without compatibility.

Lewis Howes 58:19 Interesting.

Matthew Hussey 58:20 And this is where things get... I, I used to think, "Well, maybe commitment is enough, and maybe issues with compatibility can be overcome as long as two people are truly committed to each other."

Lewis Howes 58:29 Uh-huh.

Matthew Hussey 58:30 I don't, I don't believe that anymore. I, I think that it goes beyond commitment.

Lewis Howes 58:36 The, the-

Matthew Hussey 58:36 To truly last, you have to have two people who are really compatible. Like, okay, let's say we got commitment. Two people wanna be together.

Lewis Howes 58:44 They admire each other, they have chemistry.

Matthew Hussey 58:46 Right.

Lewis Howes 58:47 They're c- they say, "I'm committed to you."

Matthew Hussey 58:49 But one person's sex drive is here, and the other one's is here.

Lewis Howes 58:54 Not compatible.

Matthew Hussey 58:54 This is gonna be difficult, right?

Lewis Howes 58:56 One person likes to spend a lot of money, another person wants to save all the money.

Matthew Hussey 58:59 Right.

Lewis Howes 58:59 One person believes in a certain religion, another person doesn't believe in that.

Matthew Hussey 59:04 One person, you know, wants to spend five days a week together. The other person is happy with one night a week together.

Lewis Howes 59:10 One person wants their family to move in, the other person wants their space. [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 59:13 Right. These are serious, serious issues that often end relationships. And so to me, you wanna say what, how do you know when you found your match?

Lewis Howes 59:26 All four.

Matthew Hussey 59:27 Four stages.

Lewis Howes 59:28 All four.

Matthew Hussey 59:28 I go, I admire this person. We have connection and chemistry. We have genuine mutual commitment, and we're compatible.

Lewis Howes 59:38 How do you know if you're fully compatible or somewhat compatible, and is there a spectrum of what's possible?

Matthew Hussey 59:47 Yeah, that, I mean, I, I wrestled with that for, for years myself-

Lewis Howes 59:51 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 59:51 ... is, you know-

Lewis Howes 59:52 We're compatible here, but not here

Matthew Hussey 59:54 ... and can we overcome this-

Lewis Howes 59:56 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 59:56 ... incompatibility here? Is it, it goes back to is it one of my deal breakers? Is it really important to me?

Lewis Howes 1:00:05 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:00:05 Or can I let up here? And does the other person understand the sacrifice I'm making in letting up there? And do they show-

Lewis Howes 1:00:14 An appreciation for that

Matthew Hussey 1:00:15 ... appreciation for it, and do they, you know, do they see me? For that compromise that I'm making

Lewis Howes 1:00:23 Or that they just expect you should do it easily.

Matthew Hussey 1:00:25 Yeah. You just, "Well, you should have." [laughs] That's the way I am, so that's the way you should be.

Lewis Howes 1:00:30 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:00:31 You know,

Matthew Hussey 1:00:31 and, and to me again, part of growing up is realizing I wasn't always right. I was, you know... There were things that I used to... You know, I, I've looked at ways that I've been in relationships in my past where I did something and I just so thought I was in the right, and so took for granted what someone else was doing for me, the way that they were being forgiving, understanding.

Lewis Howes 1:00:55 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:00:57 And just completely took that for granted, you know? And I think, man, I mean, you know, you talk about we were, four years ago we were together on this.

Lewis Howes 1:01:07 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:01:08 What's the biggest difference in my life? Being fucking humbled.

Lewis Howes 1:01:12 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:01:14 You know?

Lewis Howes 1:01:14 How so?

Matthew Hussey 1:01:15 Oh, God, in so many ways. In so many ways.

Lewis Howes 1:01:18 Thinking you had it figured out in one way, but realizing that there was a lot of growth still.

Matthew Hussey 1:01:23 Thinking you wouldn't experience this kind of pain or worry or anxiety or fear, and then oh, it turns out that I can feel that, too. And those people who used to use the, that I used to hear using the word anxiety, um, who I used to think, "Why, why is everyone fucking talking-"

Lewis Howes 1:01:40 What's wrong with them

Matthew Hussey 1:01:40 ... about anxiety?

Lewis Howes 1:01:41 And now you feel it.

Matthew Hussey 1:01:41 Like, what is wrong with everyone? Oh, shit.

Lewis Howes 1:01:44 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:01:47 The, the ways that you realize you're not, that you're, you're more vulnerable than you thought, that mistakes you thought you'd never make, you make.

Lewis Howes 1:01:56 You make, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:01:57 You said, "We're everyone else's mistakes."

Lewis Howes 1:01:59 Oh, man. Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:01:59 And then you make them. Things that were going well for you for a long time, and then all of a sudden didn't go as well and you thought they were just always gonna go well. All sorts of things. You go, "Man." And that to me is what, as you get older, you hopefully, hopefully you... You know, Socrates said the mark of an educated man is, is someone who has some awareness of how little they know.

Lewis Howes 1:02:23 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:02:24 And hopefully, and every year I realize how little I know.

Lewis Howes 1:02:27 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:02:27 Less, more and more, I realize how much I don't know.

Lewis Howes 1:02:30 [laughs] Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:02:31 And that has just, it's made me better.

Lewis Howes 1:02:35 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:02:36 It's made me better. It's made me more forgiving. It's made me more empathetic. It's made me less judgmental. It's made me a better coach.

Lewis Howes 1:02:43 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:02:43 A better speaker. Not to be so sure of myself-

Lewis Howes 1:02:48 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 1:02:48 ... about everything all the time, you know?

Lewis Howes 1:02:49 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:02:51 Um, which doesn't always make for great Instagram quotes. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:02:55 [laughs] I don't know if they, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:02:57 'Cause you gotta be, I know, I know. If I don't know one thing-

Lewis Howes 1:02:59 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 1:02:59 ... I know this.

Lewis Howes 1:03:01 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:03:01 You know? Well, yeah, maybe I feel I know less now than I did five years ago, and maybe that's a good thing.

Lewis Howes 1:03:06 It is a good thing, I think. Humility is a good thing.

Matthew Hussey 1:03:09 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:03:09 We all need it at times. I'm curious, for all the women who come to your retreats who are suffering, they deeply want this love, this connection, this compatibility, commitment. They want all these things that we're talking about.

Matthew Hussey 1:03:22 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:03:22 And they feel like they've been struggling for years. They've done the dating apps. They've gone on hundreds of dates. For all the people at your retreats or the women who are watching or listening at home that just wanna find their match, their partner, what's the first step they can take to start getting out of the weeds of, like, failure after failure-

Matthew Hussey 1:03:43 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:03:43 ... and start seeing some progress to greater potential matches or...?

Matthew Hussey 1:03:47 A couple of things. I mean, firstly, uh, is a guy called John Kay who wrote a book called Obliquity. And the whole idea of the book was obliquity is when you reach goals through indirect means. So if you take building a business, you're far more like... If, if your, if your goal is to make money, instead of focusing on making money-

Lewis Howes 1:04:10 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 1:04:11 ... focus on all the things that provide value to people.

Lewis Howes 1:04:14 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:04:14 'Cause the making money part will be the by-product.

Lewis Howes 1:04:16 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:04:16 If you focus on, "I need to get rich, I need to get rich, I need to get rich," you're probably not gonna do the things that are gonna get you rich.

Lewis Howes 1:04:22 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:04:22 'Cause what makes you f- financially wealthy? The relationships you take time to build, that often for a long time, uh-

Lewis Howes 1:04:31 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 1:04:31 ... you don't ask for anything. You don't even care to. You're just building. You, you know, the products that you create for no reason, then you just think that they're great, or that you think they have value or whatever the service that you provide people. It's just, it's not, "What's the quickest way for me to make money?" Uh, most people like that don't get rich.

Lewis Howes 1:04:50 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:04:52 In a relationship, there's all these things that build a relationship, that really have nothing to, that don't feel like they have anything to do with a relationship. Like, who would say knowing what you would do with the next 10 hours of your life if it was free is actually gonna be a huge determinant of the health of your relationship?

Lewis Howes 1:05:09 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:05:10 It's like one's over here and one's over here.

Lewis Howes 1:05:12 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:05:12 Okay? Shouldn't we be talking about how to have better sex?

Lewis Howes 1:05:15 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:05:16 Shouldn't we be talking about how to communicate well with my partner? No, we're talking about you being an independently attractive, purpose-driven, indepen- independent person who is attractive just to watch-

Lewis Howes 1:05:29 Mm

Matthew Hussey 1:05:30 ... from afar because of the life you lead. That's gonna lead to a much better relationship. By the way, even that will lead to better sex.

Lewis Howes 1:05:36 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:05:37 'Cause your partner looks at you and is like, "This person is-"

Lewis Howes 1:05:39 They're more attracted.

Matthew Hussey 1:05:39 "This is a person."

Lewis Howes 1:05:40 Yeah. [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:05:41 [laughs] This isn't just an extension of me.

Lewis Howes 1:05:44 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:05:45 This is a person. So it's the indirect things that, that contribute. And so let's now take that to the single place. I'm, I'm single. What's, what do I do next?

Lewis Howes 1:05:57 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:05:58 Understand and study, and this is a big part of what I do in my work, so I'd encourage people to come check that out. Study the things that contribute to f- getting you a relationship, that often have nothing to do with getting a relationship. The things you do with your spare time. Do I, you know, do I do... If I wanna learn s- yoga, do I do it on my own at home with a YouTube video? Learning yoga, by the way, on its own could be a good thing, just 'cause it makes you more interesting. You have more to talk about. You- ... feel confident in yourself, all of that. But okay, now let me do a more sociable version of that. Let me go and do a class where I might actually have the chance of meeting other people. Maybe they're not men, maybe they're other single women, but other single women are useful, too.

Lewis Howes 1:06:41 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:06:41 Another indirect variable.

Lewis Howes 1:06:43 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:06:43 'Cause you have more single friends or more fun friends, more charismatic friends, friends who come knocking at your door going, "Hey, we're going out. Get out of your goddamn pajamas. We're going out."

Lewis Howes 1:06:54 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:06:54 That person is gonna be great for your love life.

Lewis Howes 1:06:57 Makes you more desirable, have more value.

Matthew Hussey 1:06:59 Makes you, and makes you leave the house.

Lewis Howes 1:07:01 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:07:01 Instead of staying in every weekend. Makes you leave and go to places where people are, you know? The books you read. Who would say the books you read have anything to do with your relationship, but they do on a date when you have shit to talk about.

Lewis Howes 1:07:11 Absolutely.

Matthew Hussey 1:07:12 Right? So there's all these factors. Now, the reason I'm saying that, because of course there are direct factors, but, like, my programs in my, in my company, which by the way, people can go to howtogettheguy.com to go and find all of these. But the programs I have there are about very direct things like how to flirt-

Lewis Howes 1:07:30 Strategies, yeah

Matthew Hussey 1:07:31 ... how to meet someone, how to do this, how to do that. But that's one piece of it, right? It's, I encourage people to do all those indirect things, and then someone can't say, "I'm just sick of going out. I, I'm, I'm give, I give up." On what?

Lewis Howes 1:07:48 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:07:49 On what?

Lewis Howes 1:07:50 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:07:50 Like, someone said that to me in a seminar. They say, "I just feel like giving up." Tell me what-

Lewis Howes 1:07:55 What, on yourself? On life?

Matthew Hussey 1:07:56 What are you giving up on?

Lewis Howes 1:07:56 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:07:57 I, I wanna hear this. Tell me, what are you giving up on? Well, I, uh... [sighs]

Lewis Howes 1:08:04 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:08:04 Meeting people? Meeting people. Would you not meet people? If you, if someone said you could never find the love of your life, that's off the table, would you really stop meeting people?

Lewis Howes 1:08:13 No.

Matthew Hussey 1:08:13 Your need for a human interaction would disappear? I don't think so. You'd stop flirting with people? That's part of your character. Flirt- being flirtatious is a part of who we are at times.

Lewis Howes 1:08:24 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:08:24 So why would we lose that? Being sexual, would you really lose that? You're gonna stop being sexual just 'cause the end result isn't coming? I, I don't buy it. You'd stop doing hobbies. You'd stop getting out there. You, all the things that you have to get rid of to say, "I'm done with relationships," are things that would absolutely erode your life, even if you take the relationship out of the equation.

Lewis Howes 1:08:51 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:08:51 So I think people have to... I understand, I know there is a terrific level of, like, dating burnout right now, and if you're out there feeling that right now, I, I urge you to think about this differently, and to say, "I don't have to constantly have it in my mind, I'm trying to meet someone, I'm trying to meet someone, I'm trying to meet someone." That game gets boring. And now when you go on a date and it doesn't go anywhere, you're a failure.

Lewis Howes 1:09:15 And you're exhausted, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:09:16 You're like, "Oh, God, I'm done." See it as life. This isn't dating, it's life. It's meeting people.

Lewis Howes 1:09:25 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:09:25 It's experiencing a great conversation, having a fun moment of interaction, of flirtation, doing things you wanna do anyway, doing hobbies you wanna do anyway, 'cause they'll, they'll enrich your experience of life. All of those things are really important. You don't have to call it dating. Just go live.

Lewis Howes 1:09:45 It's kind of like the analogy you said about running a business. If you're focused on, I need the relationship, whereas, like, I need to make a certain amount of money-

Matthew Hussey 1:09:52 Yep

Lewis Howes 1:09:52 ... is the re- is getting the relationship, as opposed to why don't I add value to the world and I'll attract the customers that will pay me, and I'll make some money.

Matthew Hussey 1:10:00 Yeah. Because I need to make money focuses on things that make the short-term economics work.

Lewis Howes 1:10:06 Mm-hmm, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:10:06 And those things are generally not good for a business.

Lewis Howes 1:10:10 That's it, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:10:12 Right? Same in, same in love.

Lewis Howes 1:10:14 I wanna, I wanna ask you a couple final questions. This just came to me. I don't think I've ever asked anyone this, but since you're the love guy-

Matthew Hussey 1:10:20 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:10:21 ... I'm gonna, I'm gonna go there. Um, typically I would ask the three truths question.

Matthew Hussey 1:10:26 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:10:26 Which is, what are your three truths if it was the last day of your life? But I'm gonna ask you a different spin on this. Imagine it's the last day of your life, and you've been in a, a committed, compatible, loving relationship with the woman of your dreams for the last 30, 40, 50, whatever years, and you've been a part of this journey and experience where you've built this incredible castle with all of its dents and wears and tears and love and magic and unicorns and everything. [clears throat] And it's your last day.

Matthew Hussey 1:11:01 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:11:01 And you've got a... The lights are gonna go off, and you're not gonna be on this world anymore. And your partner has one more day to live. Hypothetical.

Matthew Hussey 1:11:15 You, so your partner-

Lewis Howes 1:11:16 You're 150 years old-

Matthew Hussey 1:11:16 Your partner has one more day to live

Lewis Howes 1:11:18 ... your w- your partner has one more day to live. Let's screw that. Your partner has a few more years to live. She's gonna live a little longer than you. And you get to write three things, a love letter to your partner-

Matthew Hussey 1:11:34 Right

Lewis Howes 1:11:35 ... about the three things you loved about her the most, that brought you the most joy, the most incredible life-

Matthew Hussey 1:11:43 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:11:43 ... from this relationship that you built together.

Matthew Hussey 1:11:46 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:11:48 What would you say or write to her are the three things you loved the most about this woman, that she would remember and go on for a few more years afterwards and-

Matthew Hussey 1:11:59 But that would be specific to a relationship, right? To a specific person.

Lewis Howes 1:12:02 To that relationship, yeah. To that person and the relationship. Imagine the relationship is everything you could ever dream of.

Matthew Hussey 1:12:09 Got it.

Lewis Howes 1:12:10 You, you created the relationship of your dreams. It's the golden standard for the world-

Matthew Hussey 1:12:15 Wow

Lewis Howes 1:12:15 ... to look at a relationship and say, "Wow, they lived it."

Matthew Hussey 1:12:19 [exhales]

Lewis Howes 1:12:19 "They did it. They loved, they went through it. They were vulnerable. It wasn't perfect, but man, this couple is the golden standard."

Matthew Hussey 1:12:30 Man, okay.

Lewis Howes 1:12:31 What would you say are the three things... So I want you to go there 'cause I believe you're gonna create that in the relationship that you wanna create So what are the three things you, you would write a love letter to your, your wife on your last day about the three things you appreciated the most about the love you created together?

Matthew Hussey 1:12:53 That... Maybe one would be, your... You made me feel safe enough to be the best I could possibly be. You know?

Lewis Howes 1:13:15 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:13:15 You, your love made me feel so secure, gave me such a platform to go and make an impact in the world on. That, that, you know... And, uh, don't get me wrong, I think we should have our internal security, but I felt so secure in the relationship that this gave me, this relationship gave me the energy-

Lewis Howes 1:13:41 Mm

Matthew Hussey 1:13:42 ... to go out there and do amazing things with that energy. So I made a bigger impact in the world because of the energy that your love gave me.

Lewis Howes 1:13:51 I'm getting chills already.

Matthew Hussey 1:13:52 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:13:53 This makes me emotional just thinking about it.

Matthew Hussey 1:13:54 See if I have anywhere to go from there.

Lewis Howes 1:13:56 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:13:57 Um-

Lewis Howes 1:13:58 So safety, security.

Matthew Hussey 1:14:03 That you, you made me feel like I wasn't alone in the world. And I don't just mean because we had each other.

Lewis Howes 1:14:16 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:14:16 You can feel very lonely in a relationship, especially if you don't feel seen.

Lewis Howes 1:14:21 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:14:23 But you find someone who sees you, you know? Who kn- who really gets you. And all of a sudden you don't feel so alone in the world, 'cause life is lonely. You can have tons of people around you, but there are certain, there's a certain existential loneliness that many people feel in life that for moments or times evaporates when you feel a true connection with someone and you see each other. You go, "Wow, this is..." That's, that to me is transcendent. So you, your ability to see me made me feel less alone in the world.

Lewis Howes 1:15:11 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:15:14 Um, and I guess you, you were a role model for me.

Lewis Howes 1:15:32 Wow.

Matthew Hussey 1:15:34 That through observing you and seeing the way you live and seeing the way you approach things, that there were so many times where I noticed you were better than me.

Lewis Howes 1:15:51 Phew.

Matthew Hussey 1:15:51 And that taught me how to be better. It taught me how to... You, I grew because I saw the way you were.

Lewis Howes 1:16:01 Wow.

Matthew Hussey 1:16:02 And that showed me, no matter where I thought I was, being around you showed me, uh, how wonderful people can be. And that made me wanna be more wonderful.

Lewis Howes 1:16:14 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:16:15 I, I guess those would be the three.

Lewis Howes 1:16:16 That's a beautiful love letter. What's the letter you would write to yourself? You're 200 years old, it's the last day still, and you write a letter to your 32-year-old self. 32 now? How old-

Matthew Hussey 1:16:32 31. 32 in a couple of weeks.

Lewis Howes 1:16:34 You write a letter to your 32-year-old self and say one piece of advice, looking back at what you'd say to yourself on how to become the best partner to create that magical relationship.

Matthew Hussey 1:16:50 One thing I would say, looking back at, looking at myself-

Lewis Howes 1:16:53 Sure

Matthew Hussey 1:16:53 ... saying, "Here's a, here's a guide-"

Lewis Howes 1:16:55 Here's a piece of advice

Matthew Hussey 1:16:55 ... "to being a-"

Lewis Howes 1:16:56 Here's what you need to do to, to become that partner with that, uh, with that other person. Here's what you need to let go of.

Matthew Hussey 1:17:05 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:17:05 Here's what you need to step into. Here's where your ego needs to take a check.

Matthew Hussey 1:17:10 I think, how many things do I get?

Lewis Howes 1:17:12 Give yourself a few.

Matthew Hussey 1:17:13 Let's do, let's do a couple.

Lewis Howes 1:17:14 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:17:14 I, I think, um, I always loved just the, the idea of you question everything, you know?

Lewis Howes 1:17:20 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:17:20 Do- don't... That thing that you take for granted that you're right about, you know, question everything. 'Cause it's, I mean, it's just amazing to me the things I, I look back on now and I no longer dis- I no longer agree with what the 23-year-old version of me thought or the 25-year-old version of me thought. And I think understanding that, at least... We're, we're not very good at thinking about all the ways we might be wrong today, but we're really good at knowing-

Lewis Howes 1:17:49 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:17:50 ... the ways we were wrong before.

Lewis Howes 1:17:51 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:17:51 Right? And it's more, that's, you know, if you think of a lot, a lot of self-improvement people, right? Gurus, leaders, whatever, you know, people wanna call themselves, uh, they struggle. They're very good at telling stories of how they fucked up, ah, five years ago-

Lewis Howes 1:18:09 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 1:18:09 ... or 10 years ago.

Lewis Howes 1:18:10 But now you're-

Matthew Hussey 1:18:11 You should have seen me then

Lewis Howes 1:18:12 ... doing [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:18:12 But not many people are good at talking about today.

Lewis Howes 1:18:15 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:18:16 And I think that that's a kind of blind spot we, we all, most of us have in life, people in general. And I think if we can apply that thing of, "Oh yeah, God, I was so wrong about that five years ago."

Lewis Howes 1:18:27 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:18:28 "I was so... I couldn't be more wrong about that, and I know that now." We, we should apply that to the next five years too.

Lewis Howes 1:18:34 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:18:35 You know, and the next 10 years, and say, "There's a lot of shit I'm gonna look back on five years from now and say, 'God, I did not know what I was talking about.'" That doesn't mean we should not trust ourselves on anything. You know, there's, I've heard it said that, you know, strong opinions loosely held. You know, they- Sure ... it doesn't mean we shouldn't be passionate about what we think now, but it does mean we should leave room for- Yeah ... questioning. Um, and to that end, I think I would tell myself to, to be kinder to myself over the course of my life for things that I'd, mistakes I'd made within relationships. I have definitely, I have definitely been the person, and even today have to wrestle with, making, doing something that I know, God, that wasn't the best reaction to that. Mm-hmm. I wish I'd have handled that differently. I wish I'd have said a different thing. I wish I'd have phrased that differently. I wish I didn't say that. And then really, really beating myself up for it. Yeah. You know? Not letting it go. Even after you've finished the argument, even after you get to the other side of it. Holding on to it, yeah. Continuing to, to berate yourself for it, and, and the, the shame about that is that it lacks humanity. It, it f- makes us forget that we're human and that we don't get everything right, and the only way we're gonna get more right is by making certain mistakes and learning from them. That's true. And it also stops us from being effective, because that energy that we're putting into, to berating ourselves is actually stopping us from doing the very things that would move everything forward from that mistake. Mm-hmm. It, it's not... It doesn't make relationships better. Mistakes actually make relationships better very often. 'Cause you learn, or you, hopefully you'll learn. You learn. Those things, they, they really can transform, mistakes can transform relationships, but not if you sit there consistently dwelling on them. They make relationships better if you can improve from them and move on and be the thing you wanna be now. So I think I would tell myself to be, be kinder to myself for, for mistakes. Yeah. To not obsess over things I should've said or done differently. Yeah. Um, yeah. You know what?

Matthew Hussey 1:21:06 To that end, we, we should, halfway through this interview, I was, kept losing my train of thought. And probably you were gonna edit that out to be kind to me. I'm gonna keep it in. Let's keep it in. All right. Because- [laughs] ... like- Don't beat yourself up over it ... give people the real shit. Yeah. Matthew Hussey's really eloquent. Oh, look at the way he can string a thought together. Well, I lost, I, I lost my train of thought three or four times. I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened. Mm. I d- I couldn't think of the thing I was gonna say next. I kept, kept blanking. Mm-hmm. Okay. Show people that. Yeah. That's, that's inspiring. Yeah. Oh, fuck. If Matthew Hussey can be- [laughs] ... in the middle of an interview and just go completely blank- [laughs] ... and not know what the hell he was saying- Yeah ... then what am I worried about? Yeah. That's more interesting, and that's, you know, that's a real relationship. Yeah. A real relationship. That's, that's the real stuff. That's the stuff we're not seeing. When we see other people's relationships and everything, things seems great- The highlight reels ... and everything. No, this is like, if we wanna, if we wanna change our world, forget the world for a moment, 'cause it's always seems a bit grandiose when we talk about changing the world, but changing our world, let's bring in the real, because that, that genuinely changes things. Yeah. You know what makes relationships better? True realness, vulnerability, people living their truth, people being more real, being more upfront, more direct. You know what makes you more attractive on a date? Being more real. Mm-hmm. Not going there, you have people worry about their hair and they're like, "Is this all right?" Be, tell a real fucking story on the date. Yeah. That's what's gonna... You wanna talk about deep attraction, not surface level bullshit? Deep, surface level bullshit is in 2D on Instagram. Deep attraction, the kind of attraction that gets relationships, comes from real stories. Yeah. Real shared experiences. And if you want, and if you do wanna change other people's worlds, as you know 'cause you're so good at it, it's bring people the real. Yeah. 'Cause that's more inspiring than the guy who sits there and does great for an hour. Mm-hmm. And always knows exactly what he's gonna say. The perfect person, yeah. Yeah. It's not as interesting. I love this, man. Those are good ins- insights for you. Hopefully that's helpful for your life, reflecting on that. Yeah, you've, I mean, that was, yeah. You ask a hell of a question. [laughs] You're great, though, man. You're great at what you do, and I have to- Oh, I appreciate it, man ... I know that you, you say a lot about, you know, you, I hear you talk a lot about gratitude, and you ask people questions constantly about that, and I have to share my gratitude for you- Hmm ... while we're here, to, to honor you to your audience, because you have, you know... I've been through difficult things, and I've given you the phone call- Hmm ... at difficult times in my life- Yeah ... where, you know, I'm like, "Lewis, I need someone to talk to, man." And you've given me the time, sat down with me- Mm-hmm ... and been a voice for me that- Yeah ... is sober and out of my own head. And, and been truly kind in, kind and wise, which is a good combination. Mm. Mm-hmm. When someone's not just being kind to you, but they also are saying things that are very, very astute and helpful. Mm. And you've been that for me in some, in some really difficult moments. Yeah. And I, I remember in those moments thinking, God, I'm so, going home and thinking how grateful I am for that friendship. Yeah. And, and hoping, um, that more people get that for themselves. Yeah. 'Cause it's a tremendous thing when you have it. Thanks, brother. So thank you for that. I appreciate it. It's been a beautiful four years. It really has. I'm excited for 40 more, man. I say let's keep putting- Excited for 40 more ... paint on the wall, you know? I mean, we gotta keep building. See what happens. We gotta keep building And I'll say to anyone out there right now who's watching, um, because I wanna, I'd love to give you a way to kind of continue the journey with me, uh, if I'm resonating with you. There is a, a wonderful video. I, I do my retreats twice a year, as you know.

Lewis Howes 1:25:05 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:25:05 They're a six-day program, and I urge anyone to apply for that if you, you know, can create six days to transform your life.

Lewis Howes 1:25:13 A game-changer.

Matthew Hussey 1:25:14 Please, please, please apply. That's at matthewhusseeretreat.com. But I also created an at-home version of this for people who aren't able to come to the live event.

Lewis Howes 1:25:23 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:25:25 And you can obviously go and do that program, and I would encourage you to do it. But what I've done is taken a, a training piece from that and I'm giving it away as a gift. And that's, I literally bring a woman on stage, this beautiful, gorgeous soul, Alexandria. I bring her on stage and we really transform her perspective and her confidence in a sh-

Lewis Howes 1:25:46 Mm

Matthew Hussey 1:25:46 ... kind of very relatively short space of time, and people can see what's possible for themselves in their confidence-

Lewis Howes 1:25:53 Mm

Matthew Hussey 1:25:53 ... by watching this video and by watching the process that I take her through.

Lewis Howes 1:25:57 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:25:57 So-

Lewis Howes 1:25:57 Where can we get that?

Matthew Hussey 1:25:58 That's at getmattssecret.com, Matt with two T's. Getmattssecret.com. Um, you know, just go there, put in your email address. You can download, you can be watching it immediately-

Lewis Howes 1:26:09 Sweet

Matthew Hussey 1:26:09 ... um, five minutes from now. But it's very, very powerful. And for anyone who's like, "Oh, no, I," you know, "I wanted more of this," they can, you can go and get more there.

Lewis Howes 1:26:17 Yeah, and subscribe to you on YouTube because I watch your videos and I'm not a girl. You know, they're for women-

Matthew Hussey 1:26:23 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:26:23 ... but I'm like, I learn so much as a man, being in a relationship. When I was single I would watch them, and I was just learning so much. So it doesn't matter who you are. I look forward to every Sunday to getting your email-

Matthew Hussey 1:26:33 Thanks, man

Lewis Howes 1:26:34 ... for the videos.

Matthew Hussey 1:26:34 Thank you.

Lewis Howes 1:26:35 Uh, so make sure you guys subscribe there, Matthew Hussey on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and getmattssecret.com. Uh, final question for you. Before I ask it, I gotta acknowledge you, man, for, for constantly being a, a powerful voice in the world for so many women who are suffering. You know, you mostly s- work with women, and there's a lot of women, I think, who are just suffering 'cause they don't know how to get out of their own way. And you help them gain the confidence by focusing on their life and pr- taking responsibility for life, and giving them strategies and tools to really attract love, committed, compatible love. And I think at the end of the day, we all want that connection-

Matthew Hussey 1:27:18 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:27:18 ... and that intimacy and that love, and you're providing a safe environment for women to cultivate that within themselves and truly love themselves first so they can attract a partner that they want-

Matthew Hussey 1:27:31 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:27:31 ... and equal what they want. So I acknowledge you, man. It's amazing. You've been committed for a decade plus now, and you haven't slowed down, so.

Matthew Hussey 1:27:39 Thank you, and I, I wanna say, I really appreciate you saying that. And I wanna say to anyone out there, I'm, I mean, I'm on the journey with you.

Lewis Howes 1:27:45 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:27:46 Like, I'm not, I'm not coming from here. I'm, I'm, I'm right there with you doing the work for myself.

Lewis Howes 1:27:52 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:27:52 I'm my own experiment all the time trying to figure this-

Lewis Howes 1:27:55 You're not, you're not perfect? [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:27:57 Man, life's hard.

Lewis Howes 1:27:58 It is, man. It's-

Matthew Hussey 1:27:59 Life's hard and I'm, I'm working on it, but I-

Lewis Howes 1:28:01 It's good, man

Matthew Hussey 1:28:01 ... you know, I encourage other people to come and, you know, work on it with me.

Lewis Howes 1:28:04 There you go. Uh, your fi- my final question is what's your definition of a great relationship?

Matthew Hussey 1:28:14 I think it's, it's gotta be one where one plus one equals three.

Lewis Howes 1:28:22 There you go.

Matthew Hussey 1:28:24 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:28:25 Matthew Hussey, my man. Appreciate you, brother.

Matthew Hussey 1:28:26 Thanks, man.

Lewis Howes 1:28:27 Powerful.

Matthew Hussey 1:28:27 Appreciate you.