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Lewis HowesLewis Howes

LISTEN TO THIS Everyday To MANIFEST & ATTRACT The Life You Want | Mel Robbins

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Mel RobbinsguestGreat Minds Lewis Howeshost
Oct 6, 20211h 36mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

  1. 0:00 – 0:32

    Training your mind to notice what you want (importance, celebration, affirmations)

    1. MR

      This is how you train your mind

    2. LH

      Mm-hmm

    3. MR

      You basically tell it what you want by saying, "This is important to me."

    4. LH

      And start looking for it.

    5. MR

      Yes

    6. LH

      You start seeing it.

    7. MR

      Yes, and by the way, this is also why it's important to do that thing where you're like, "Boom, I found it, see?"

    8. LH

      Yes

    9. MR

      And then it makes your mind do more. This is why it comes back to the positive affirmation.

    10. LH

      I've... Yes.

    11. MR

      If you start to high five yourself and tell yourself that you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be fulfilled, you will start to see-

    12. LH

      I think you gotta have a dream

    13. MR

      ... The School of Greatness.

    14. LH

      Really? [laughs] Yeah.

    15. MR

      Please welcome Lewis Howes.

  2. 0:32 – 3:03

    Why most manifesting fails: vision boards that only show the end result

    1. LH

      I'm curious about manifesting.

    2. MR

      Mm.

    3. LH

      You've been really good at manifesting results in your life-

    4. MR

      Yeah

    5. LH

      ... especially since the, the last book. Uh, what is your thoughts on how to manifest-

    6. MR

      Yeah

    7. LH

      ... or the-

    8. MR

      Everyone's doing it wrong, that's my thoughts

    9. LH

      Okay.

    10. MR

      Yeah.

    11. LH

      Then how, how should we manifest the, the dreams that we have inside of us?

    12. MR

      Okay.

    13. LH

      And what's your thoughts about the law of attraction, on how to apply it the right way or...

    14. MR

      Yeah, I think... Well, I think the law of attraction and manifesting are the same thing.

    15. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    16. MR

      So law of attraction, for everybody who has not read The Secret, is simply your thoughts become things.

    17. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    18. MR

      And it's true. We've talked all about how when you have negative self talk, it tends to draw more of that to you. I think about it like lint in a dryer. Once negative stuff starts to collecting-

    19. LH

      Uh-huh

    20. MR

      ... it collects a lot more. We can also talk about your brain filter or something called the reticular activity system and how it is a live network that filters the brain. We'll dig into that deeper, but let's do surface level right now, manifesting law of attraction. So here's what everybody gets wrong about manifesting. Everybody, at least kind of in the mass market, what you're trained to think about when you think about manifesting is vision boards.

    21. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    22. MR

      And when you hear the word vision boards, you think about the big stuff. Should you have big dreams? Of course you should. Should you dream of building a mansion on the ocean if that's your thing? Yes. Should you dream of the log cabin? Yes. If you want a Lamborghini or the new Ford Bronco, should you... But yeah, yes, yes, yes. If you want the family, if you want the body, should you think about... Yeah, absolutely. Here's where everybody goes wrong. You dream about the end. You make this gorgeous collage of all this stuff that has nothing to do with your current life.

    23. LH

      [laughs] Yeah.

    24. MR

      That literally as you're sitting in your studio apartment with the cat box that hasn't been-

    25. LH

      [laughs]

    26. MR

      ... changed in two weeks.

    27. LH

      No food in the fridge. Yeah.

    28. MR

      No food in the fridge, and you're looking for a job, and you're staring at a mansion going, "Someday," it's gonna make you feel like a loser.

    29. LH

      Yeah.

    30. MR

      Because the gap between where you are and where you wanna go, it seems insurmountable. And so what happens, based on the research, is when you only visualize the end game, Lewis, it's demotivating.

  3. 3:03 – 5:31

    Visualize the bridge: rehearsing the hard parts to build resilience

    1. MR

      I'm not... I'm still in this apartment with the cat box that needs to be changed. The way to visualize properly is to visualize the bridge between where you are and where you need to go.

    2. LH

      The bridge.

    3. MR

      Yes, and particularly the horrible stuff.

    4. LH

      Hmm.

    5. MR

      So let's use your example of the marathon. The vision board would be Lewis crossing. Woo.

    6. LH

      With the arms up, with the medal. Yes.

    7. MR

      Yeah, the arms up, the medal. Exactly.

    8. LH

      High fives. Yeah.

    9. MR

      High fives.

    10. LH

      I did it.

    11. MR

      Yes, I did it. Exactly. That will not help you because when you hit mile 13 on the actual race and it is sleeting rain-

    12. LH

      You say, "Why am I doing this?"

    13. MR

      Yes, and it feels nothing like that thing on your vision board. You're going to start a negative dialogue. I can't do this. My knees hurt. This is not what I thought it was gonna be. I'm not ready for this. I didn't train for this. I'm running New York. I trained in LA. Are you running in New York?

    14. LH

      LA.

    15. MR

      Okay, good. Well, then at least you trained in the right weather.

    16. LH

      Yeah. [laughs]

    17. MR

      So on and on and on, and you are going to tank yourself. What you do by visualizing the bridge is you train your nervous system and your mind to do the hard work.

    18. LH

      Hmm.

    19. MR

      So you should visualize not crossing the finish line, but what is it like to be at mile 12 when your batteries run out on your earbuds?

    20. LH

      Yeah.

    21. MR

      No, I'm serious.

    22. LH

      Yeah.

    23. MR

      And you keep going. What's it like when your shoelace breaks-

    24. LH

      Mm

    25. MR

      ... and now your heel is lifting, and you're starting to get a blood blister at mile 17?

    26. LH

      Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

    27. MR

      What's it feel like when you wake up and it is pouring rain? And you visualize yourself running anyway. That way when you visualize the work, you are preparing your body for it, so you're not resistant to it when it comes.

    28. LH

      Yeah.

    29. MR

      Isn't that cool?

    30. LH

      I think it's great. It's, um, a story that I had, um, George St-Pierre, who's one of the greatest UFC fighters of all time, he said that he always puts himself in the most uncomfortable situations in practice leading up to the fight. The most, you know, the hardest situations to get himself out of, when his arms are behind his back and his face is against the, the mat a- in between the fence, and he's just getting punched in the face. He's like, "How do I get out of this?"

  4. 5:31 – 7:10

    Building a better vision board: include the sacrifices and unglamorous work

    1. MR

      Totally, and so you are literally building up almost like this resilience and this muscle inside of you to do the work to get the thing.

    2. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    3. MR

      So yeah, create the vision board, but make sure in addition to crossing the finish line, you have somebody running in the rain.

    4. LH

      Right.

    5. MR

      You have somebody who... You have an alarm clock that says 5:13. You have s- you know, these images that show-

    6. LH

      Mm

    7. MR

      ... the stuff that you don't wanna do. So, like, for people who wanna launch a business, for example, like a lot of people that I'm sure follow both of us are dying to launch a business, or interested in being an influencer, social media, or making money online, and what you visualize are the checks. Or you visualize the money you're gonna make, or you visualize how cool it's gonna be when you're a lifestyle entrepreneur, or whatever the hell it is

    8. LH

      Mm-hmm

    9. MR

      Don't do that. Visualize working a day job and telling your friends that you're not gonna go out tonight because-

    10. LH

      Right

    11. MR

      ... you're working on something.

    12. LH

      Yeah.

    13. MR

      Visualize making cold calls and being told no. Visualize not going to that party because you're staying in on a Saturday, and not going to the barbecue because you're putting in the work.

    14. LH

      Yeah.

    15. MR

      Visualize sitting at a seminar and learning from other people. Visualize watching YouTube videos. Visualize your first ever course failing miserably.

    16. LH

      Right.

    17. MR

      Like, literally that's the sort of thing that you want to visualize yourself doing and pushing through, because that's gonna help you do the work.

    18. LH

      Yeah.

    19. MR

      Isn't that cool?

    20. LH

      I think that's great.

    21. MR

      Yeah.

    22. LH

      Yeah, visualizing... So in order to manifest what you want, don't just visualize the good things happening, visualize the bridge, all the things it's gonna take to get there.

    23. MR

      Yes, and, and, and the hard parts of the bridge, because then you're ready for it.

    24. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    25. MR

      Then you're like, "I didn't expect it to be this hard." I mean, it's still gonna be hard-

    26. LH

      Right, right

    27. MR

      ... but you're less likely to quit.

  5. 7:10 – 8:24

    High five attitude: choosing what you do next, even when you can’t control feelings

    1. LH

      Yes. So what have you done in the last five years to help you manifest after the first book? Were you doing this as well? Or kind of once you get on a rhythm and, and build momentum, does it become easier to manifest in your opinion?

    2. MR

      Well, so I am constantly training my mind to work for me, and there's this little trick that I talk about in the book that is all sort of the beginning of having a high five attitude.

    3. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    4. MR

      And a high five attitude is the ability to catch yourself when you're going mentally low, and to flip yourself back up into a high five attitude.

    5. LH

      Okay.

    6. MR

      The thing that I know to be true is that you cannot control the things around you. You can't control what's gonna happen. You can't even control how your nervous system might respond or what thoughts might pop into your head, but you can always choose what you do next and what you make it mean, right? And so that's where-

    7. LH

      Mm-hmm

    8. MR

      ... all the power is.

    9. LH

      Yes.

    10. MR

      And so I, uh, do this thing where I... This is again, it's gonna sound so dumb, but it's a way for me to introduce you to the power that your mind has to change in real time.

    11. LH

      Okay.

  6. 8:24 – 15:40

    The brain’s filter (RAS): why you see more of what you label as important

    1. MR

      We've talked a lot about negative self-talk, and part of the reason why negative self-talk is so crippling is not only because you've repeated it for so long, and now it's a pattern, but it's also because you have a filter on your brain called the reticular activity system.

    2. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    3. MR

      Okay? This puppy is the keys to everything, and, and it's remarkable that, uh, most of us have never heard of it. We've experienced it, but we don't know how to use it to our advantage.

    4. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    5. MR

      So first let me tell you what the RAS does, then I'm gonna give you an example of, uh, when you've experienced it in your life, and then I'm going to explain to you how to use it to get what you want in life.

    6. LH

      Okay. All right.

    7. MR

      This is like the super attractor manifesting, and it also works for, um, interrupting negative self-talk. Like, it's gonna supercharge all the work you're doing with the mirror and interrupting thoughts. So first let's talk about the RAS. So the RAS, imagine a hairnet on your brain, only it's, like, electric, meaning it's alive, okay? Now, the RAS has one job, and the job is block out 99% of what's going on and let in 1% of what's going on. Our brains, at this moment in history, are having to process about 34 days-

    8. LH

      Mm

    9. MR

      ... worth of cellphone data in one day.

    10. LH

      Crazy.

    11. MR

      It's crazy. And so your RAS has a monster job. It's like a bouncer at a bar.

    12. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    13. MR

      You're not coming in. You can come in. And you've experienced this. So have you ever shopped for a car?

    14. LH

      Yes.

    15. MR

      Okay, so what's the last car you bought?

    16. LH

      Tesla.

    17. MR

      Oh, Tesla. Oh, fancy.

    18. LH

      Yeah.

    19. MR

      Lewis Howes, I like that.

    20. LH

      Well, I'd never had a, I never had a nice car until three years ago. I had a $4,000 car for five years before that.

    21. MR

      Yeah, yeah.

    22. LH

      And then I was like, "You know what? I have no Bluetooth. I have no..." It's like I just needed an upgrade.

    23. MR

      Yeah. No, I love it. You deserve it.

    24. LH

      It's a 1991.

    25. MR

      Dude, you deserve it.

    26. LH

      Out of 1991 Cadillac.

    27. MR

      You deserve it.

    28. LH

      And I was like, "Okay-

    29. MR

      You deserve it

    30. LH

      ... I'm gonna buy a car," so I bought a Tesla, yeah.

  7. 15:40 – 18:32

    The heart-shape practice: a daily game to retrain attention and optimism

    1. MR

      after you wake up and make your bed and kinda settle your nervous system and high five yourself after setting your intentions, so now you're, like, sending yourself into your morning routine in a totally different way, with a calmed down nervous system and intention and this boost of feeling supported and loved and celebrated, um, I want you to find one naturally occurring heart shape as you go through your day. Mm. Okay? I saw this in your book, yeah. Yeah. It could be a stone, it could be a leaf on the ground, it could be a cloud shape, it could be a coffee stain. Uh, it could be an oil stain on the floor of a garage. It could be a spot on a dog walking by. I want you to tell your mind, "Let's find a heart. Let's see if we can find a heart." And something weird's gonna happen. You're gonna see something. And then I want you to literally supersize what's going on in your brain. And what you do is when you see the heart, I want you to then take a moment and literally congratulate yourself. Like, feel like, "Oh, my God, I found it." Like, whatever you believe in, God, the universe, like, greater connection, you put that there for me and I found it. Mm. And I want you to feel this kinda wave of, "That's kinda cool." Yeah. "I just saw a heart." And then that positive thing, remember how I told you the bouncer in your brain pays attention to what's important to you? Mm-hmm. When you get your nervous system celebratory involved, that makes your brain really pay attention, just like trauma makes your brain pay attention. It does. So you supercharge the experience by celebrating it, and then look for another one. I see hearts all day long. Yeah. And what happens when you start to play this game is you will start to realize you are walking by an entirely different world every single day, because you're not looking for it. Mm-hmm. There are opportunities, there are signs, there are mile markers on your path that you are literally tuning out. Yes. And we can all sit in this moment, Lewis, and look back and see how the dots of our life connect us here. The coolest thing about practicing the high five habit, this training of finding hearts and the high five attitude, is that you start to ground yourself in the idea that this too is a dot on the map of your life, and it is leading you somewhere incredible. Mm-hmm. And when you start to have that kind of high five attitude- That there are signs, whether it's the little hearts that you're now seeing, or it's your ability to catch guilt or people pleasing or insecurity or the negative self talk and be like, "Nope, not going down. Not thinking about that, five, four, three, two, one. Let's get that high five attitude back. I can, I can do this. I, I can have my own back."

    2. LH

      Yeah.

    3. MR

      "It's not gonna be perfect, but I can keep going."

  8. 18:32 – 27:41

    Why Mel created the mirror high five habit (and what it changed in her)

    1. LH

      And you were just talking about how you never truly learned how to love yourself in your own skin. And you started this daily ritual, this habit, of high-fiving yourself in the mirror.

    2. MR

      Yeah.

    3. LH

      How, I mean, you're-

    4. MR

      [laughs]

    5. LH

      ... you've lived a, you've lived a pretty full life right now, but you feel like really you've never truly learned how to love yourself, but now you feel like you know how to?

    6. MR

      Yes. I do.

    7. LH

      Why did you not know how to love yourself in the first place?

    8. MR

      Ooh, that's a big question. Um, I think that most of us are not taught how to love ourselves just for being alive.

    9. LH

      For existing.

    10. MR

      For existing, thank you.

    11. LH

      It's always like we have to accomplish something-

    12. MR

      Correct

    13. LH

      ... then we can get love.

    14. MR

      Yes. It's, it's the same thing with happiness. Like you're chasing it, and you think that if you achieve something, you're gonna get it. And you also, or at least I, felt the most loved when I was little when I was achieving something.

    15. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    16. MR

      And, you know, I think that most parents kinda fall into this camp, and it's really interesting to write a book about this and sort of trace back how we go from being little teeny babies that would crawl up to a mirror and put our hands up and uh, kiss ourselves and love the sight of ourselves to being a self-loathing adult that stands in front of a mirror and either ignores or criticizes-

    17. LH

      Yeah

    18. MR

      ... your very existence. And I believe that a lot of this has to do with the fact that so much of what you learn as a kid is, "If you do what I tell you to do, then I'll like you, then I'll love you." And so much of your existence becomes complying, fitting in, not making people angry. You learn how to sort of go in and out of spaces, belong to groups-

    19. LH

      Mm

    20. MR

      ... make sure people like you, and you stop focusing on how you were born, which is looking in a mirror and liking yourself. So my formula-

    21. LH

      Mm

    22. MR

      ... for being somebody that was worthy of love is, "Well, if I'm accomplishing all this stuff, then I'm lovable. If this person over here that I love loves me back, then I'm lovable."

    23. LH

      Mm.

    24. MR

      "If somebody likes me, then I'm lovable." Notice where all the sources of love were coming from? Outside.

    25. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    26. MR

      But I never really understood, how do you learn how to put yourself first? How do you learn how to love yourself, Lewis? How do you do that?

    27. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    28. MR

      We know we need to, but the question is, how?

    29. LH

      So how'd you learn how to [laughs] ... How, how'd you learn how to unlearn it, and then I guess relearn how to love yourself?

    30. MR

      Okay, so, you know, this is kinda my brand of advice. It's gotta be incredibly stupid on the surface.

  9. 27:41 – 45:16

    The science of the high five: subconscious meaning, neurobics, and intention-setting

    1. MR

      so that was when I said, "I gotta figure out what's going on." Right. And I started to unpack the research, and the research around this simple ritual... I love that you called it a ritual because I want people to habit stack this with brushing their teeth. Right. This is so life-changing. It's so simple. The science here is like, pew. You can't believe it. And once I unpack it, you're gonna be like, "I can't believe how cool this thing is." Right. So what's the science say? Okay. So the science. [laughs] Let's start with the, the first thing. So the first thing is that when you first try it, okay, you will, um, not be able to raise your hand and high-five yourself and be like, "You suck, Mel," or, "Today's gonna be terrible." And there's a reason for that. Uh, and the reason is that for your entire life, you have given other people high fives. So when you give a high five or you receive one, what is a high five? Just the, the gesture alone. What does, what does this communicate if we do this to each other, when we high-five? Nice job, good work, you're doing amazing. Yeah, keep it up. Yeah. I believe in you. Yeah. I love you. Let's go. If you blow a shot and you gotta get back in the game, a high five's like shake it off. Right, right. You can win. Yes. And so all of that lifetime of high-fiving other people and the messaging associated with it is programmed right here- Mm-hmm ... in your subconscious brain. Right. There's a field of study called neurobics, which is about- Neurobics ... neuro- I, I, I didn't make that up. That's true. It's interesting. Physical movement plus new neurological activity. Mm-hmm. When you marry an unexpected physical movement with new neurological activity, it's the fastest way to forge new neural pathways- Mm ... in your brain. Okay. Okay? We know the example, you've covered this on your show, of brushing with the wrong hand and thinking positive thoughts. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And the reason why that works is because when you're brushing with the wrong hand, it's unexpected. Your brain doesn't expect it, so instead of drifting off about the fact that you need to walk the dog, you have to focus. So your prefrontal cortex is engaged. You're not used to high-fiving your own reflection, so it's an unexpected physical movement that then activates all of the positive programming in your subconscious. Mm-hmm. So when you raise your hand and you high-five your tire- your tired self, Lewis, what happens is all of the messaging with this, the high five, I believe in you, I love you, I celebrate you, you got this, keep going, come on, it actually fuses with your fricking reflection. Wow. It's impossible to criticize yourself. Yeah. Your brain won't allow it because it's not wired that way when you're making that motion. Right. Isn't that crazy? It's hard to say, "You suck." You, [laughs] you don't matter to anything. It's hard to- No ... yeah. You can't. Yeah. You can't. And so this lifetime of positive subconscious programming associated with high-fiving other people gets fused with your own reflection- Mm ... in this ritual. That's just the beginning, okay? Mm. That's just the beginning. The second thing that, um, starts to happen that's really interesting. So, you know, we've had a ton of people do this, obviously, around the world. Super easy idea, it's spreading around the world. We start interviewing people about what's going on, and this is what we notice. We notice that one of two things happen when you first try this. So here's how I want everybody to try it. You're gonna go into the bathroom and, you know, do it before or after you brush your teeth. And that's important because I want you to make this a ritual- Yeah ... that's part of your morning routine. And so we need to stack it with something you already do. And you're gonna stand there for a minute, and I want you to look at yourself. Now, that right alone, most of us don't do. Look at yourself. Right. And I want you to just think about the day ahead. This is based on more research. So recent studies show, from the University of Florida, that if you take just a minute and you set an intention about how the day is gonna go, about who you're gonna be, how you're gonna show up, what's the one thing that kinda matters to you to really make a d- Yeah ... to make, make progress on. If you just kinda set that intention, who am I gonna be today? How am I gonna show up today? Even if it's a hard day, how are you gonna show up? And then you raise your hand and you seal it. Research shows just setting the intention alone changes your mood, it boosts your productivity. Mm. It increases your ability to make an impact on other people. And so when you seal it with this high five, it becomes this ritual of setting an intention for the day. Mm-hmm. And also silencing the critic and reprogramming the default setting about how you see yourself. Yeah. Whether or not you believe in yourself, and you leave that bathroom feeling like the wind is at your back. Now, when people do this for the first time, so you're gonna stand there tomorrow, and you're gonna go, "Okay, Mel Robbins and Lewis Howes." [laughs] "I'm sitting here. Brush my teeth. Okay, this is stupid. This is..." You're gonna just start rejecting it, I guarantee you. This is b- the, the coolest stuff you're gonna have the biggest resistance to. Mm-hmm. And so for those of you that just raise your hand and do it, you're gonna immediately be like, "Why have I not been doing this?" It feels good to be encouraged and supported. To high five yourself. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Why have I not had my own back? Why do I stand here and criticize myself? Why do I allow this moment every single morning to be a moment where life takes over and I drift into autopilot? Why am I not taking this moment for me- Mm-hmm ... to build a partnership with myself? Yeah. The second group of people, and this is the larger group. Right ... resist it. They resist it. And this is really interesting. And the reason why you resist it, and the reason why it feels weird, is because you believe you're not worthy of support or celebration. From yourself or from others? Period. Wow. So if- Why, why do we think we're not worthy of s- celebration? Well, um, for people that grew up in a chaotic, violent, or whatever household, it was your lived experience. Yeah. Um, I think that for many of us, we look back on our lives and, you know, the cognitive negative bias has us focused on the things that went wrong. Mm-hmm. And so you begin to tell your sto- yourself a story about your life that is basically a pyramid of all the things that you regret, of all the things that you wish you had done over, of all the things that you don't like about yourself. And so you drag that with you into the bathroom every morning. Yeah. And you stare at the mirror, and you see somebody that has screwed up. You see somebody who's not where you're meant to be. You see somebody who doesn't have the number on the scale, or the car that you wanted, or the job that you had hoped for, or the relationship that you- Mm-hmm ... had always dreamed about. And so standing there, you believe you're not worthy of support or celebration, and it's this- Mm ... deep belief. You know, we talk a lot in the personal development space of, "Oh, I'm not good enough." I actually think that's the polite thing that people say. I believe that people have a much more horrible way of talking to themselves. Like what? I'm a p- I, I can't say it on TV. [laughs] But I can say it on the internet. I'm a piece of [censored] . Yeah. I'm worthless. No one will ever love me. Mm. Uh, I screwed up my life. I'm a failure. I'll never amount to anything. Mm-hmm. It's too late. I'm a bad person. Like, I think people actually say this to themselves. Yeah. And they say it over and over again. Yes. Daily. Yes. Yes. And just like ruts on a dirt road, it starts to wear in your brain, and it becomes the familiar path. And so you stand in front of the mirror and, you know, I'm telling you, raise your hand and let all that positive programming you've given to everybody else... We're, we are amazing at celebrating everybody else. Mm. We cheer for our favorite sports teams. We buy tickets to, you know, our favorite musicians. We throw birthday parties for people. We take on extra work for our colleagues. We help our family members out and our friends out. But when it comes to supporting ourselves, we don't know how to do it. Right. In fact, there's a lot of people that think it's selfish to put yourself first. Mm. Or that you're arrogant if you do. Right. I'm here to tell you it is essential to your wellbeing- Mm-hmm ... to your fulfillment, to your happiness, all of it. So if you're feeling resistance, you're either going to feel it because you already have a deep story that you don't deserve it because of your track record, your past, because of what's happening in your life. Or you're gonna feel resistance because you have been trained to believe that you only deserve that kind of stuff when you're winning Like, if I don't have that car, I don't get the high five. If I didn't get that promotion, I didn't deserve it. If I am not in a loving relationship, I don't deserve to be celebrated.

    2. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    3. MR

      Because I'm not actually achieving or doing the things that warrant that. I'm here to tell you, I'm on a mission to make every human being realize that if you wake up in the morning and you're breathing, and you're standing in front of that mirror, and you have survived the stuff you have survived, and you are still waking up-

    4. LH

      Mm-hmm

    5. MR

      ... and trying to do better, you not only deserve a high five, you need it.

    6. LH

      Mm.

    7. MR

      Because what we also know based on the research is that empowerment, support, kindness, love, celebration, it is the single most motivating force on the planet. Tough love is a bunch of baloney.

    8. LH

      Mm.

    9. MR

      What really fuels people, particularly when you're going through a challenge, is feeling celebrated, seen, and supported, and the research bears it out.

    10. LH

      Yeah, I can think of the times when I was with, uh, on sports teams where I had great, loving, encouraging coaches. It made me wanna work harder from a more energized place, an abundant energy. But when I had the coaches that would just degrade you and put you down and call you names in front of your teammates-

    11. MR

      Mm-hmm

    12. LH

      ... and make you feel bad, it would drive me to try to be better, but it was always, like, harder, and I never felt satisfied.

    13. MR

      Yeah.

    14. LH

      I never felt fulfilled. I always felt like even when I accomplished something, it still wasn't good enough.

    15. MR

      Yeah.

    16. LH

      And then I repeat that pattern. Like, okay, I'm gonna accomplish, but it's not enough to feel loved, and so let me keep accomplishing in order to feel love.

    17. MR

      Yeah.

    18. LH

      But I still don't love myself 'cause it's not good enough.

    19. MR

      Yeah.

    20. LH

      So let me go for the next thing.

    21. MR

      Yeah, exactly.

    22. LH

      It's, it's funny 'cause I have a photo on my phone that my, um, my, my therapist told me to do this exercise in, like, eight months ago.

    23. MR

      I see.

    24. LH

      Which was a, a, a strategy for me to reclaim the love for myself, so I have a photo of my, my-

    25. MR

      Aw

    26. LH

      ... childhood self. I don't know if people can see this on YouTube.

    27. MR

      Look how cute you are.

    28. LH

      But, uh, a photo of me. This is probably when I was, like, five or six, maybe I was seven. But something that I've tried to, to do, and really been integrating in my life, is to reconnect with the child where I felt like I stopped loving myself.

    29. MR

      Okay, so let's talk about this right now.

    30. LH

      Yeah.

  10. 45:16 – 58:38

    Interrupting negative self-talk: five-second reset, objectivity, and believable mantras

    1. LH

      That's powerful. That's powerful. I mean, well, so what does someone do, though, if they just constantly have the negative self-talk on their mind that they're no good? Do they go in front of the mirror, you know, every 10 minutes and do this?

    2. MR

      No.

    3. LH

      Or is there another strategy behind the negative self-talk?

    4. MR

      Well, okay, so first things first, definitely make this high five in the mirror a habit, okay?

    5. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    6. MR

      So start practicing it. Give it five to 10 days and start to see what happens. The second thing that you can do with negative self-talk, okay, is you need to start to interrupt it.

    7. LH

      Mm.

    8. MR

      So the thing about negative self-talk is that it is typically something you've engaged in since you were yay high. And in addition to it being wired into your brain, it is also something that can get triggered by your nervous system in stressful situations. And so the first step, and we can talk more about the filter in your brain and how the filter in your brain is causing you to stay stuck in a lot of this negative self-talk-

    9. LH

      Yeah

    10. MR

      ... and how to use your mind to help you. But the first step is you gotta do the awful part of getting self-aware-

    11. LH

      Yes

    12. MR

      ... of what the voice is saying. And the way that you do that, there's a couple techniques that you can use to create what, uh, researchers or psychologists call objectivity. You wanna separate yourself from the voice.

    13. LH

      Yep.

    14. MR

      So you can do what Lewis is doing, is writing down right now in a journal. You can keep just a little notebook with you, and you can kinda catalog when your attitude tanks.

    15. LH

      Oh.

    16. MR

      And what are you actually saying to yourself?

    17. LH

      Yeah.

    18. MR

      Okay?

    19. LH

      So should we write down all the things we're saying-

    20. MR

      You could

    21. LH

      ... negative about ourselves too?

    22. MR

      You can. You can. I personally do it this way. I start to notice when I feel down, or I start to notice when my energy drops, and then I tune into what I'm thinking about, and if it's negative, I go-

    23. LH

      Okay

    24. MR

      ... "Five, four, three, two, one."

    25. LH

      Yeah.

    26. MR

      I literally notice, "Oh, you're sitting there thinking you're a bad person again. Oh, you're sitting there thinking that, uh, somebody's mad at you again. Oh, you're sitting there thinking that you screw everything up again."

    27. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    28. MR

      "Oh, you're sitting there thinking that you, uh, that nothing ever works out for you. Oh, inter- oh, you're sitting there thinking that, uh, you, you've blown it. Interesting." And then I go, "Five, four, three, two, one," and I go, "I'm not thinking about that." That's the most basic technique to use. Because what I want you to do, since this is like operating on autopilot, it's encoded right here, when you're not really thinking, this is what's running, kind of like the soundtrack of your life, when you just start to notice that you have a thought that's not helping you, you can't control that it popped up, but guess what you can do? You can smack it down.

    29. LH

      Yeah.

    30. MR

      And so I use the five-second rule, which we've talked about a lot on your show. Count backwards, five, four, three, two, one. The counting backwards awakens your prefrontal cortex. It gives you a moment of control. And then the way to build distance, Lewis, is say, "I'm not thinking about that," and here's why. You're so used to thinking this way, I can't just say, "Stop thinking you're fat and start thinking that you love your body."

  11. 58:38 – 1:23:42

    Self-sabotage, trauma patterns, and calming the nervous system with “high-fiving your heart”

    1. LH

      What about when things start to shift and we start to see, oh, here's a great potential relationship I could get into, or I got a great job opportunity, or something's coming my way? How do we learn to not self-sabotage the good things that come to us?

    2. MR

      So give me an example. Like, how have you self-sabotaged-

    3. LH

      And j-

    4. MR

      ... things in your life?

    5. LH

      Um, I can't think of a good ans- I don't think I really do that that much.

    6. MR

      [laughs]

    7. LH

      But I know, I know that other people do, and it's a big issue. Um, maybe... I'm trying to think.

    8. MR

      Okay, so I'll tell you.

    9. LH

      But if people get into like a good relationship and they're like-

    10. MR

      This is, this, this is a really big answer, though.

    11. LH

      Yeah.

    12. MR

      You ready?

    13. LH

      Yeah.

    14. MR

      Okay, so now let's detour into the lane. We talked about this some the last time I was on, but let's detour into the lane of anxiety, of patterns and trauma-

    15. LH

      Uh-huh

    16. MR

      ... and talk about why people self-sabotage.

    17. LH

      Yes.

    18. MR

      People s- don't self-sabotage intentionally. Nobody wakes up in the morning and says, "Today, I'm gonna screw up my life."

    19. LH

      Right.

    20. MR

      "That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna drink myself on the ground. I'm gonna cheat on my wife. I'm gonna embezzle from my company."

    21. LH

      Mm.

    22. MR

      "I'm gonna lie to everybody about how I'm actually feeling. I'm gonna stop taking my meds. I'm gonna kick the dog." Like, nobody does that. What happens is people get triggered.

    23. LH

      And they react. Yeah.

    24. MR

      And then they fall into old patterns.

    25. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    26. MR

      And so what happens, I believe, in relationships in particular, or jobs, where you're like, "This time it's gonna be different," is it's different for the first three to six months when it's novel-

    27. LH

      Mm-hmm

    28. MR

      ... and when you're intentional and when everything counts.

    29. LH

      But then when you gotta face yourself [laughs]

    30. MR

      Then when it becomes, like, part of your life, you get lazy-

  12. 1:23:42 – 1:36:33

    Jealousy as blocked desire, staying with hard goals, and closing reflections (three truths & greatness)

    1. LH

      No, go, go [laughs]

    2. MR

      I'll talk about jealousy-

    3. LH

      No, go

    4. MR

      ... and how I write about you in the book-

    5. LH

      That's what I was gonna-

    6. MR

      ... and how jealous I am of you.

    7. LH

      [laughs] No.

    8. MR

      It's true.

    9. LH

      W- I-

    10. MR

      I am jealous of you

    11. LH

      [laughs]

    12. MR

      I am. So here's the thing I want everybody to understand. We all have jealousy wrong.

    13. LH

      Uh-huh.

    14. MR

      You have been taught to believe that jealousy is a bad thing.

    15. LH

      Right

    16. MR

      Jealousy is only a bad thing if you wallow in it and let it kill you.

    17. LH

      Yes

    18. MR

      Jealousy is a great thing if you understand it

    19. LH

      And if you use it as a tool to move forward

    20. MR

      Yes

    21. LH

      Right

    22. MR

      You can only be jealous of the things that are meant for you

    23. LH

      Ooh, that's interesting

    24. MR

      Yeah. Like, I'm not jealous of somebody who lives on a ranch in Montana. I don't wanna do that right now.

    25. LH

      Right

    26. MR

      I'm not jealous at all.

    27. LH

      Mm

    28. MR

      I'm not jealous of somebody who lives in a penthouse apartment in New York City. I don-, I don't want that right now

    29. LH

      Mm-hmm

    30. MR

      You can only be jealous of things that are meant for you

Episode duration: 1:36:33

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