Parent Psychologist REVEALS Top 3 Parenting MISTAKES (DO THIS to RAISE Healthy KIDS!) Dr Becky

1. 0:00 – 4:09

   Intro

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:00

      I think when we have kids, we have this unconscious wish that they're gonna heal us.

   2. LHLewis Howes0:04

      Ooh.

   3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:05

      And in reality, our kids trigger us. She's a clinical psychologist, she's a mom of three. She's been called- [laughs] ... the millennial parenting whisperer. Please welcome Dr. Becky Kennedy. I'm gonna take this very, like, first principles approach to parenting. Like, right, where you strip back every assumption. Anything that could be assumption, you're like, "No, no." And what are you left with? And I was left with one thing. One: kids are good inside, and there is a difference between good inside identity and bad behavior. A parent's words become a child's self-talk. If there's one line that would be probably the most healing in people's childhoods, it's that.

   4. LHLewis Howes0:39

      You've been called the millennial parenting whisperer. Is that right?

   5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:42

      I think Time Magazine wrote that one.

   6. LHLewis Howes0:44

      How do we learn to make sure we raise good human beings without messing them up, when we haven't been taught how to be good parents?

   7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:53

      Um, uh, so...

   8. LHLewis Howes0:57

      Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. We have the inspiring Dr. Becky in the house. Good to see you. Welcome.

   9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:04

      Thanks for having me.

   10. LHLewis Howes1:05

       Very excited. I don't have kids, but I feel like I had a struggling childhood. And I love my parents, but I also know that they could have done some things differently.

   11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:17

       Mm-hmm.

   12. LHLewis Howes1:17

       And I think there's probably a lot of us in the world who are thinking, "I love and appreciate a lot about my parents, but they might have also done some messed up things." And if we can start to do our own healing journey and start to reflect that, okay, maybe they just didn't have the tools, they didn't know any better. Hopefully they had the best intentions, and we can try to have some compassion for our parents as adults. Then there's some more integration and healing that I think allows us for us as we grow up, right? However, how do we learn to make sure we raise good human beings without messing them up, when we haven't been taught how to be good parents? And to add to that question, is it possible to raise a child that is not traumatized in some way, no matter how good we try to raise them?

   13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:14

       Hmm. I'm gonna try to answer all that. You'll let me know which parts-

   14. LHLewis Howes2:17

       Yeah, yeah

   15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:17

       ... of the question I, I lose as we go. Um, uh, so what you started with just resonates with me so strongly, and I think it really is the reason I, like, get out of bed every morning, right? Parenting is the most important job in the world, and it is the hardest job, and it's probably the job we'll have for the longest number of years, 'cause everyone knows it's more than 18 years, right? [laughs] So, and, and someone said to me, I'll never forget, um, "It's the only job you care about on your deathbed." Which I was like, "Okay, that's heavy." But I think that's... I mean, I wouldn't know yet, hopefully, but I think that's true. And it's also, like, the only job that falls under, like, very difficult, very impactful, very ongoing, that we literally get no training for, right? And, like, if my friend was a surgeon and called me and said, "I'm not doing surgery right, and I'm messing everything up, and I kinda messed up this person forever, and I'm so bad." And then I started poking around, and it turned out she never went to med school or never went to residency. I'm pretty sure I would say to her, "Hey, like, this is not that you're a bad surgeon. Like, that's not what this is. You weren't adequately prepared, and it's probably time to invest in resources." And I just wanna say, too, 'cause I think it's important, that if she said, "Don't worry, I got my, I got, I got all my tips on s- on, on Instagram," I'd say, "Okay, I mean, like, I... You might [laughs] wanna do a little more in depth than that."

   16. LHLewis Howes3:41

       [laughs] Right.

   17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:42

       You know? Like, I think you deserve a little better, you know, than that. And yet this is what parents are set up for. When I've asked parents the number one reason why they don't get the support they even think they need, the number one reason I get, the number one reason I hear is, "I should be able to do this on my own."

   18. LHLewis Howes4:03

       Hmm. It's like a shame underneath.

   19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:05

       Yeah. And there's, and there's a shame, and I think there's a really strong societal

2. 4:09 – 7:47

   Changing the Narrative around Parenting

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:09

      message. As a woman, I can say the maternal instinct is, like, a real thing that people [laughs] think we should have. Which really is a way of saying parenting has kinda traditionally been a woman's job. I think they're shifting around that. It's great. Um, and it should just be something women have an instinct to do, which is a really great setup for any parent when they're struggling to say, "I guess it's me." And I think when we're strugg- I mean, I think when we're struggling with anything, we have two paths. And this is where I think we'll be talking about parenting, but you don't have kids, I'm sure some of your listeners don't have kids. This is in some ways about kids, in some ways 0% about kids and parenting. Like, when we're struggling, we can either say, "What is wrong with me and it's my fault?" Or when we're struggling, we can say, "What resources and support do I need?" And they're two completely different paths. [laughs] One is activating and has hope and has the likelihood of change, and one is actually spiraling into an abyss in a freeze state, right, of shame, which makes it impossible to change.

   2. LHLewis Howes5:06

      Yeah.

   3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy5:06

      And I think parents have typically said to themselves, "What's wrong with me?"

   4. LHLewis Howes5:10

      Wow.

   5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy5:11

      "This should be easier." You kind of also see on Instagram, it looks like everyone else got their kid to smile for a holiday card, and you're like, "That's not what happened to my kids," you know? Um, and you feel like it's your fault, and then you don't talk about it. And then you fake good, and then the next person's like, "Well, that person seems to be having a hard time." And then, then honestly, we feel small, you know? We don't get those resources. We don't feel empowered, and it kind of happens generation after generation until, until... This is not supposed to be depressing. This is so hopeful. You know, what we see at Good Inside, and we s- we hear all the time from our members, is, "I came here for my kid." Like-

   6. LHLewis Howes5:45

      Uh-huh

   7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy5:45

      ... that is not why I'm here now. Like, "I now asked for a raise. I now can stand up to my partner when they're mad at me. I now know that it's okay for me to go away for a weekend with my college friends, even when my partner and my kids are upset." Like- Have their feelings. Like, I can have empathy and I can still do the things I need to do for myself. And, and that way I feel like what we're talking about is a lot of stuff you talk about, is actually just, I call it sturdy leadership.

   8. LHLewis Howes6:12

      Mm-hmm.

   9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy6:13

      And what's interesting to me is I feel like we have a lot of models for sturdy leadership in the workplace. Like, there's a lot of thoughts now. Like, you can't really just yell at people and expect them to get better at work. And I even think that's like been modernized on the sports field. Like the best coaches like kind of know you gotta connect-

   10. LHLewis Howes6:28

       Yes

   11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy6:28

       ... before you correct. And what's kind of amazing and sad and yet we're there I think hopefully now is like parenting young kids is kinda the last place [scoffs] to modernize.

   12. LHLewis Howes6:38

       Mm.

   13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy6:38

       Where sturdy leadership kind of gets applied and what it really looks like and how it benefits everyone. But that's really what Good Inside is.

   14. LHLewis Howes6:45

       You know, it's interesting because I don't think I've ever heard that connect be- before you correct, and I, I, I just had a flashback to all the coaches that used to scream at me when I would drop a football or miss a basketball shot or what- or just mess something up or I wasn't paying attention or whatever happened, and just screaming at me, belittling me, you know, making me feel less than in front of my peers, my teammates, and shaming me to try to get better. And I remember just feeling like resentful and angry all the time, right? And afraid. Now, I would still work hard, but I didn't come from an emotionally good place. So I di- didn't want that to happen again out of fear of shame. As opposed to someone actually sitting down and connecting with me, where I did have great coaches also who took the time to connect with me and ask me questions and, "Why are you so angry? Why are you reacting like this? What's going on? Why are you so frustrated? Why did you foul that person that way?" Like-

   15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:41

       Yes

   16. LHLewis Howes7:41

       ... you know, "What is going on?"

   17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:42

       I use sports analogies all the time.

   18. LHLewis Howes7:44

       Yeah.

   19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:44

       And connect before you correct, I- there's a lot

3. 7:47 – 11:33

   The Identity-Behavior Separation

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:47

      of phrases I'll take credit for. That one's not mine. I actually can fi- I don't know who said it first, but it is beautiful.

   2. LHLewis Howes7:51

      Love it.

   3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:51

      And it gives you an order of operations, right? Where I think about this all the time, like my kid is hitting their brother, or my kid lied to my face about something that, you know, is important, like I don't know whether they studied for a test, whatever the behavior is, right? And I find out and I see them hitting and I just kind of send them to their room or I like take away their iPad or something, which I always say is like the worst thing. 'Cause when you're a parent, you realize like, "Now I have to deal with taking away their iPad. I don't even wanna do that. I like when they have iPad time."

   4. LHLewis Howes8:18

      Right, right, right.

   5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:18

      Like, nobody wins. Like, why did I do that, you know? [laughs] Um, but I think about a basketball coach, and yet I think about a kid who is missing layups all the time. And I think about watching my kid's basketball coach if that's my kid.

   6. LHLewis Howes8:29

      Yeah.

   7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:29

      And the coach is like, "You go to your room, and you come back here when you can make a layup." And I feel like all the parents would be like, "Why, like why would that even-- What's the theory of why that would be effective?" Forget like w- what is my-- You think my kid is now going to their room and googling how to make a better shot? [laughs] Like, yes, you might have to pull the kid out of the game. But you probably wanna say, "Hey, like this is not your game right now. I believe in you. And like we're gonna get in the gym tomorrow and get to the bottom of this and figure this out." And if that was my kid's coach, I just don't know if the parents would say, "That coach is really condoning bad behavior. They're really encouraging. That coach is making it seem like it's okay to miss layups." Like, it doesn't make-

   8. LHLewis Howes9:11

      Yeah

   9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:11

      ... any sense, but we actually have a system of doing that to our kids over and over, and then we wonder why so many teens and adults feel so awful about themselves. Well, when you reflect back to a kid that they're a bad kid during the stage they're forming their identity, that will stick with them-

   10. LHLewis Howes9:33

       Ooh

   11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:34

       ... for a while.

   12. LHLewis Howes9:35

       And it's hard for them to kind of unwire that, I guess, right?

   13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:39

       Yes.

   14. LHLewis Howes9:39

       And believe that they're actually good.

   15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:40

       And totally possible. Like, to me if like there's one thing I ever want someone to take from anything I say is it's never too late. It is never too late. Repair is amazing. It is never too late. The parent who's listening now is like, "Oh, no. I guess I messed up my kid forever." You did not. By the way, I sometimes say bad things to my kids too. We're human. But to me it, it's the starting point of right, like my kid is good inside. That's why like everything we do is called that. And to me that idea isn't just like a phrase that sounds nice. To me, it's actually a core principle that is very different from a punishment or fear-based approach, which is if I believe my kid is good inside, and I always find visuals helpful, so I look at one hand, I'm like, this is my kid. This is who they are. That's their identity, and they are good inside. And then I look at my other hand very far away and say like, this is their behavior. This is what they did. And I would agree with a lot of parents telling me like, "Oh, they lied to your face?" I would agree. Like, not great behavior. They hit their sister? Definitely not great behavior. But those things are different, and it's really important with your hands to keep them separate, 'cause you could then look at one hand and say, "I have a good kid who, who hit their sister." And the only reason we wanna punish and come down so harshly on our kids is 'cause those hands collapse. Is because I see the bad behavior, and I don't even realize it's so fast in my brain, but immediately I assume I have a bad kid. And then like-

   16. LHLewis Howes10:58

       That that is my kid

   17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy10:59

       ... that is my kid.

   18. LHLewis Howes11:00

       Wow.

   19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:00

       It's collapsed. And to me, I mean, Good Inside is more things, but everything else flows from the foundation of like actually separating behavior from identity, which I think you get this, but not everyone does, so it's important to name. That doesn't mean condoning the behavior. Like, trying to understand behavior we think means approving of behavior, but trying to understand why my kid is missing a layup I don't think anyone thinks means that I think it's cool that my kid can't make a layup.

   20. LHLewis Howes11:31

       Mm-mm.

   21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:31

       They're, they're different. But that

4. 11:33 – 15:24

   Understanding Bad Behavior: The Foundation for Effective Change

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:33

      separation is the foundation for everything.

   2. LHLewis Howes11:35

      Mm. What would you say are the three biggest mistakes of modern parenting-

   3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:39

      Mm

   4. LHLewis Howes11:39

      ... today?

   5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:41

      Is it okay-- I, I for some reason, the reason mistakes when I think about feels very like shame-inducing, so and it feels like final. So like what are the three-

   6. LHLewis Howes11:47

      Maybe not mistakes, but-

   7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:47

      ... things that I wanna-- like myths or things I'd shift?

   8. LHLewis Howes11:50

      Yeah. What are the three things that you think parents could do differently today to have a better connection with their children?

   9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:58

      I think that would be number one. Number one is that trying to understand your kid's bad behavior-

   10. LHLewis Howes12:03

       Mm

   11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:03

       ... is the foundation For effectively changing their behavior

   12. LHLewis Howes12:08

       So understanding it first.

   13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:10

       You can only change what you understand.

   14. LHLewis Howes12:13

       What if you don't understand it?

   15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:14

       That's a great thing to acknowledge.

   16. LHLewis Howes12:15

       I don't understand why you're doing this.

   17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:17

       That's exactly right.

   18. LHLewis Howes12:17

       Stop doing it, right?

   19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:18

       And if a parent said that to me, I'd been like, really, I'd be like, "Lewis, that is so beautiful. We know exactly where to start."

   20. LHLewis Howes12:23

       Mm.

   21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:23

       And this goes back to not having the skills. Like, why would you understand a kid's behavior? It's very complicated. And so it would be like a surgeon saying, "I don't understand how to do this surgery." Like, and I'd be like, "Yeah, of course. Well, you didn't go to medical school. [laughs] Like, let's get you into medical school." Like, there are places where you can do that, like really. So we have to understand before we intervene.

   22. LHLewis Howes12:43

       Okay.

   23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:44

       Right? I think that's like a principle of everything.

   24. LHLewis Howes12:45

       So we might have to learn, research, ask questions, get, you know, feedback from other people, whatever it might be, right?

   25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:51

       100%. There might be experts, it might be the right community. There's-

   26. LHLewis Howes12:53

       Mm-hmm

   27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:53

       ... courses we can take. There's so many resources right now.

   28. LHLewis Howes12:56

       Good Inside, you know?

   29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:56

       There's the book. We do a million workshops, right? Like-

   30. LHLewis Howes12:59

       Yeah
5. 15:24 – 19:18

   The Goal of Childhood: Resilience over Happiness

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy15:24

      I feel jealous, I feel sad, I feel disappointed. And what gets layered next to that in that circuit is my parents' fear, my parents' avoidance. Those things get put together. The irony is when you make happiness a goal of childhood, you actually set a kid up for an adulthood of anxiety-

   2. LHLewis Howes15:42

      Ooh

   3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy15:42

      ... because they have a range of emotions that they've encoded as wrong and fearful. And to me, anxiety actually isn't a feeling, it's the experience of wanting to run away from a feeling.

   4. LHLewis Howes15:53

      Uh-huh.

   5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy15:53

      And if you-

   6. LHLewis Howes15:54

      Avoiding it. Yeah.

   7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy15:55

      It is, and you can't really run away from a feeling inside your body. That's what anxiety is. You're like, "Wait, [laughs] this is not gonna win." And so to me, the idea of we wanna help kids become resilient. Resilience over happiness.

   8. LHLewis Howes16:06

      Mm-hmm.

   9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy16:06

      And resilience comes from being able to tolerate and sit with the widest range of emotions, not constrict ourselves t-

   10. LHLewis Howes16:15

       I interviewed a brain surgeon on here who's also a, uh, a neuroscientist, a PhD in neuroscience, but also had done 1,000 brain surgeries. And I said, "What's the number one skill you wish every human being can learn to be better humans?" And he said, "Emotional regulation." Like from doing 1,000 brain surgeries and studying neuroscience, the mind, he was like, "Emotional regulation will support us in being healthier, happier human beings." And it goes back to what you're saying, which is learning how to navigate all of the emotions and be with them and feel uncomfortable and sad and know how to manage them, not avoid, run away, be distracted by them, right?

   11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy16:52

       That's right. Because like when I, you know, I always joke, when I was in private practice, I saw a lot of, you know, 20-year-olds, 30-year-olds, 40-year-olds, and not one of them came to my practice saying, "Dr. Becky, like I had the best parents. And, you know, those emotions other people feel, like jealous and sad and like those hard things, I, I got rid of them. My parents got rid of them. I've never felt them again." Like that's never, that, it obviously has never happened. But what happened over and over, even though no one said it, but their stories and behavior really exemplified it, was, "I am now 23. I'm now 45, and I'm literally no better able to regulate frustration and disappointment and sadness than, than I was when I was a toddler."

   12. LHLewis Howes17:34

       Wow.

   13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:35

       And but the stakes are higher.

   14. LHLewis Howes17:36

       Way higher as an adult.

   15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:37

       Way higher. So emotion regulation, that is the goal of childhood. I mean, that's the goal of adulthood too, by the way. [laughs]

   16. LHLewis Howes17:44

       [laughs] Right.

   17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:44

       Right? It's still the goal. We're all working on it.

   18. LHLewis Howes17:47

       You've been called like the, the millennial parenting whisperer. Is that right?

   19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:50

       I, I think Time Magazine wrote that once, yeah.

   20. LHLewis Howes17:52

       Time Magazine called you the millennial parenting w- whisperer. I've had Cesar Millan, who's the dog whisperer, on, and, um, you know, people come in to say, "Hey, how do you fix my dog?" And he fixes humans essentially. He teaches humans how to lead themselves better. And it sounds like parents come to you and say, "How do I fix my kid?" And you're coming to them and saying, "Well, you need to learn how to be a better leader, and heal, and reprogram yourself, and learn how to regulate your emotions so you can manage these situations." Would that be accurate?

   21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:20

       That is completely accurate, and I think, you know, I'd double down on that and say I think when we have kids, we have this unconscious wish that they're gonna heal us.

   22. LHLewis Howes18:30

       Ooh.

   23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:31

       And, and they trigger us.

   24. LHLewis Howes18:32

       Ooh.

   25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:32

       They- That's what happens when you have kids.

   26. LHLewis Howes18:34

       So wait, say that again.

   27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:34

       We have an unconscious wish that our kids will heal us, and in reality, our kids trigger us.

   28. LHLewis Howes18:39

       Why do we think our kids will heal us?

   29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:41

       Because I think in general we all have the wish that something in the external world, something we can gaze out at, will finally give us the comfort and the sense of safety and security that we've always been yearning for. And part of adulthood I think involves learning to gaze in, not from a place of, "It's my fault," but from a place of actually like, "I have the power, and it's hard, but I have the power to do that myself."

   30. LHLewis Howes19:07

       Wow. Oh my gosh. Okay, so we-
6. 19:18 – 23:04

   Building Resilience in Children

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:18

      my order.

   2. LHLewis Howes19:18

      It's all good.

   3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:18

      Okay, so I saved the best for last.

   4. LHLewis Howes19:19

      It's all good. [laughs]

   5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:21

      Start over. Um-

   6. LHLewis Howes19:22

      But the la- the second thing was resilience over happiness.

   7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:25

      Resilience over happiness. Yes.

   8. LHLewis Howes19:26

      And I w- well, I wanna ask you, before you get to the third thing, how do we raise resilient children?

   9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:32

      Okay, then this is the... I can't. I'm, I'm excited. I'm excited. We can put the third thing out there. We'll leave everyone with a cliffhanger. [laughs]

   10. LHLewis Howes19:39

       [laughs]

   11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:39

       What's the third thing? If this one's important, that one's even more important. Okay, so I think first of all, again, and, and we have to understand before we intervene. So how do we build resilience? Well, what is resilience, right? And we have to really understand that, and I think that resilience really is our ability to tolerate hard things. And the word tolerate is important because we all think it's the ability-

   12. LHLewis Howes20:01

       Mm-hmm

   13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy20:01

       ... to, like, get through it. The getting through happens when it happens, and the truth is the longer you can tolerate something, not something toxic. That is so not what I'm talking about-

   14. LHLewis Howes20:09

       Sure

   15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy20:09

       ... or abusive. But the longer you can tolerate something hard, the success i- is gonna find itself and it's gonna be more likely 'cause you were able to stay in the hard place.

   16. LHLewis Howes20:17

       Can you give an example of what this would be like for a parent and a child situation?

   17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy20:20

       Sure. I can give you two different examples-

   18. LHLewis Howes20:21

       Yes

   19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy20:21

       ... very concretely. Right? So this is something I teach to a lot of, um, parents in one of my favorite, my Frustration Tolerance workshop, which is relevant for school, for everything. So let's say, and I'll say my thr- a three-year-old is, is doing a puzzle. Saying, "I can't do it. You do it for me. You do it for me." This is a good example, right? And as a parent, I get it. You got home, you're like, "This is like the last thing I wanna do."

   20. LHLewis Howes20:43

       Tired. I wanna relax.

   21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy20:44

       Tired. I thought I was gonna have a nice night with, like, you know, my kid. I get it. But I, I, I'm really driven by impact, and so, like, I actually get this, like, sick joy when my kid is on the verge of a meltdown.

   22. LHLewis Howes20:57

       Really?

   23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy20:57

       Yes. Especially when I've been working a lot.

   24. LHLewis Howes20:59

       [laughs]

   25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy20:59

       'Cause I'm like, "If I'm gonna spend 20 minutes for my, with my kid, like, I'm gonna make it count." And, like, it's nice if I'm there for a pleasant 20 minutes, of course, but if I wanna have impact, oh, I, like, literally can picture my impact on him.

   26. LHLewis Howes21:13

       So you're, like, hoping when you come home-

   27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy21:15

       I mean, not all the time

   28. LHLewis Howes21:15

       ... they're having a breakdown and a temper tantrum.

   29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy21:16

       I'm not like, that's, you know-

   30. LHLewis Howes21:17

       You're like, " 'Cause that's when we're gonna, it's gonna be a big breakthrough," right?
7. 23:04 – 26:35

   Teaching Resilience to Children

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:04

      there you can, you know, get maybe to a six or a five. That's the goal for our kid. So I'll model this. My kid is freaking out about the puzzle. Now, to be clear, are there some times that I'd be like, "I'm giving myself permission to do the puzzle 'cause I can't deal with this"? Of course. I'm a normal human.

   2. LHLewis Howes23:18

      Sure. Sure.

   3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:18

      Everybody has to give that permission to themselves, and-

   4. LHLewis Howes23:21

      Wait, so Dr. Becky, you're not a perfect parent?

   5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:23

      Like, zero.

   6. LHLewis Howes23:23

      [laughs]

   7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:24

      No, no, no, no. Everyone listening to what I'm saying, don't think, like, I actually do this all the time.

   8. LHLewis Howes23:27

      You're not every day you come home at night after a long day and you're just like, "Okay, what do you need right now?" And you're stressed out.

   9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:32

      No.

   10. LHLewis Howes23:32

       "Okay, I'm gonna do this puzzle with you."

   11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:33

       No.

   12. LHLewis Howes23:34

       And yeah.

   13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:34

       And that will eventually get to point three. And I wouldn't wish Dr. Becky as a real parent on any kid. It's just like you learn the most, I'm sure you too, in life, you learn the most from people who struggle and repair and-

   14. LHLewis Howes23:43

       Of course

   15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:43

       ... right? So but here's this, like, moment, and there's, and I can go through an older kid example too because it's not as obvious. But, like, my kid is frustrated. My kid's gonna be frustrated for the rest of their life in higher stake situations.

   16. LHLewis Howes23:53

       [laughs] Right.

   17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:54

       They're gonna be given something from a boss and be like, "I don't know how to do this."

   18. LHLewis Howes23:56

       Right.

   19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:57

       And, like, I actually don't, first of all, I definitely don't want my kid when they're 25 to call me and be like, "Can you do my project [laughs] for me?"

   20. LHLewis Howes24:03

       Right.

   21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:03

       And definitely don't want that. I don't want them to be indignant, "How could this person have..." I want them to have some type of, "Wait." I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I have a feeling I can just think this through or get a little further. So that's what I want there.

   22. LHLewis Howes24:17

       Mm.

   23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:17

       That is not unrelated to the pattern of how I interact now.

   24. LHLewis Howes24:21

       Wow.

   25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:22

       So I could say, "Here's the piece." Once in a while I do that. Not great for long-term resilience. So here's what I might do, okay? And I'm gonna... My kid is starting to have a tantrum, and even he's saying, "Do the piece. I can't do it." I'm gonna say, "Sweetie, sweetie, this is, this is so hard. This is so hard." And I know, I have real kids. They, they... It's not like they are gonna say to me, "Oh, that's so helpful to hear." No, it's not gonna happen. They're gonna still freaking out, but their reaction is different than the power of my intervention. Also two separate things. I might say this. I might say, "Ugh, so many pieces. I don't know where it goes. Does it go here? Does it go here? Does it go here?" And if my kid is like, "Do it for me," I really, and I've said this to my kid, I said, "Listen, sweetie, I'm not gonna do it for you. Here's why. I know you're capable of figuring this out."

   26. LHLewis Howes25:11

       Mm.

   27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy25:11

       "And the best feeling in the world is the feeling you get when you think you can't do something-"

   28. LHLewis Howes25:17

       Mm.

   29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy25:18

       "... and then you wait a little bit and you see that you can do a little bit more, and I'm not gonna take that feeling away from you."

   30. LHLewis Howes25:25

       Wow.
8. 26:35 – 30:08

   Building Resilience in Kids

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy26:35

      every time something didn't go his way, and, and I think money makes this more complicated 'cause you can buy kind of your way out of kids' frustration. You can. So it's almost hard to resist that if that's an option. But every time it was like frustration, success, frustration, a new option. Frustration, I figured it out because someone else did something for me. Well, when you finally get to the point at 16, if that's your circuit, and then you're frustrated because something's surprising, it's not really about first class. Your body actually is like, "WTF?"

   2. LHLewis Howes27:03

      Wow.

   3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:03

      Like, "I literally was not built to tolerate this."

   4. LHLewis Howes27:07

      Right.

   5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:07

      And then it ends up looking awful, but really, it's really vulnerable, right?

   6. LHLewis Howes27:11

      Super vulnerable. Yeah.

   7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:11

      Super vulnerable. So I wanna give you one more example of resilience.

   8. LHLewis Howes27:14

      Yeah.

   9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:14

      There's three lines I think every parent needs to know.

   10. LHLewis Howes27:16

       Okay.

   11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:16

       And I honestly have, can almost reframe that saying I think every person in a relationship needs to know. Whether you're in a romantic relationship, a work relationship, it's the same stuff. Because another resilience building moment I can imagine is kind of like what I said to you earlier. Let's say your kid's a little older, "I'm the only, I'm the only kid who doesn't know how to read chapter books," or, "I'm the only one of my friends who didn't get into honors math."

   12. LHLewis Howes27:36

       Mm-hmm.

   13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:36

       Right?

   14. LHLewis Howes27:36

       So teenagers.

   15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:37

       Yeah, let's say that. "I'm the only kid who didn't get into honors math." Or, "I tried out for the lacrosse team. All my kids- my friends made it, and I was the only one."

   16. LHLewis Howes27:42

       And I didn't make it, yeah.

   17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:42

       Right. Everyone, me included, okay, my first instinct is to, quote, "Make my kid feel better."

   18. LHLewis Howes27:49

       Mm.

   19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:50

       "Oh, you're gonna make it next year." Or, "You made, you made varsity soccer and none of them made soccer," right? Whatever, whatever the thing is.

   20. LHLewis Howes27:57

       Right, right, right.

   21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:58

       Or we say, "You're gonna see it's not a big deal." Okay, so here's the image. I'm big on images, where-

   22. LHLewis Howes28:02

       None of this is gonna matter in 20 years, or whatever you... Yeah.

   23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy28:04

       We say.

   24. LHLewis Howes28:04

       Yeah. [laughs]

   25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy28:05

       Right? The truth is we kinda say it 'cause we're uncomfortable.

   26. LHLewis Howes28:07

       Right.

   27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy28:07

       And we're just kinda making a kid a pawn in our game.

   28. LHLewis Howes28:11

       Sure.

   29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy28:11

       But, like, if you picture your kid on a bench, and if you picture, like, them kind of in a garden. That's what I like to say. That's, like, the parable for lun- life, the garden. And there's a bench. And essentially when your kid says, "I'm the only one who didn't make the lacrosse team," let's say they're sitting on the bench of, what is it? Disappointment or maybe it's embarrassment.

   30. LHLewis Howes28:27

       Mm-hmm.
9. 30:08 – 33:58

   Believing and validating emotions in children

   1. LHLewis Howes30:08

      you're telling me this right now."

   2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:09

      That's right. "I'm so glad we're talking about this."

   3. LHLewis Howes30:11

      Okay.

   4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:11

      That because, and again, if we think about it in an adult context, if I was like, "I'm so mad at my husband. He never..." Whatever the, whatever it is. "He never is home for bedtime, and he, he forgot the one thing I said." And if I was like, "Hey, like, you're never, you're never doing anything around the house, and I, I am really frustrated," if he said to me- You know what, Becky, well, you're upset, but, like, I'm so glad you're telling me about this. Like, you know, relationships, I'd be like, "I think we're good now." Like, I don't-

   5. LHLewis Howes30:35

      Mm

   6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:35

      ... I, I don't even know, what was I upset about?

   7. LHLewis Howes30:36

      Right, right, right.

   8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:37

      Like, because what someone's really saying to you when they say that is, "This feeling in you that you're feeling is real, and I still wanna be in a relationship with you when you're feeling that way."

   9. LHLewis Howes30:50

      Yeah. I still love and accept you.

   10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:52

       That's right. And so our kids need to absorb from us from a resilience perspective, my parent can tolerate this part of me before I learn-

   11. LHLewis Howes31:02

       Wow

   12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:02

       ... to tolerate this part of me.

   13. LHLewis Howes31:03

       Wow.

   14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:04

       So that's line one. Line two, I believe you. I, I always say, like, if there's one line that would be probably the most healing in people's childhoods-

   15. LHLewis Howes31:16

       Wow

   16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:16

       ... and the most confidence-building from childhood, it's that, and it's so simple. Like, 'cause when you say to someone-

   17. LHLewis Howes31:23

       What if you really don't believe them, though?

   18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:25

       Well, there's always something you should believe, so, so... Right? Because, like, they're like, "I didn't make the lacrosse team, and, um, oh, and like I'm, I'm never gonna be able to go to school again," or something.

   19. LHLewis Howes31:35

       Right.

   20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:35

       Like, it's so embarrassing, right? I'm not saying I guess you can never go to school again. That's not what I'm believing.

   21. LHLewis Howes31:40

       Right. I believe that's how you feel.

   22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:42

       That's right, and you don't even have to say that because underneath-

   23. LHLewis Howes31:44

       Uh-huh

   24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:44

       ... our kids' extreme verbalizations, we get very caught up in their words.

   25. LHLewis Howes31:48

       Yes.

   26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:49

       They represent a world. We believe the world.

   27. LHLewis Howes31:52

       Mm-hmm.

   28. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:53

       And so even if they're like, "I'm never going to school again," I, I would say like, "I believe it feels that bad," and because I do.

   29. LHLewis Howes31:59

       Yeah.

   30. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:59

       It does.
10. 33:58 – 37:32

    The Power of Belief and Connection

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy33:58

       knew my son had a crush on someone. Oh, that person, oh, that person was there, too, and you were, like, so excited you were gonna, like, be on the lacrosse team, and that person saw it. Oh.

    2. LHLewis Howes34:05

       Saw that you failed and-

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:07

       Exactly. So I'm just, like, fleshing out the story, and now at all these moments that my kid was in pain, which by the way, part of the pain was probably that they were alone. I'm kind of infusing myself-

    4. LHLewis Howes34:16

       Mm

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:16

       ... in every moment. I'm adding connection. I'm adding believing.

    6. LHLewis Howes34:18

       Interesting.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:18

       And here's the thing about the bench. In my experience, when you kinda go through this, your kid gets off the bench before you do every time.

    8. LHLewis Howes34:25

       Really?

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:26

       And then you're like, "Oh, I guess where, where are they going next?" And when they need you-

    10. LHLewis Howes34:29

        They come back

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:30

        ... or you find them on that next bench.

    12. LHLewis Howes34:32

        Interesting. So they'll get off this fa- bench faster of emotions if you go through one or all three of these questions or these, these phrases, right?

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:42

        They really do, and look, we can't just, like, say them. Like, if I'm sitting with my kid-

    14. LHLewis Howes34:44

        Feel it

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:44

        ... I'm like, "I believe you. Tell me more," like, they're gonna be like, "What are you doing? Like, did you hear that on some podcast," you know?

    16. LHLewis Howes34:49

        [laughs]

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:50

        So, um, that won't help, right? We've, we've, we process intention and tone before language, so that has to be there. And, like, I don't wanna say it's a magic, and to me, when do kids get off it? Like, I don't know, we all feel feelings-

    18. LHLewis Howes35:01

        Mm-hmm

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy35:01

        ... for whatever amount of time.

    20. LHLewis Howes35:03

        Yeah.

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy35:03

        You know? But if... Like, I get it. Like, parents are sometimes worried. Like, am I gonna stick them there? Like-

    22. LHLewis Howes35:07

        Mm

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy35:07

        ... feelings don't give us problems as much as feeling alone in our feelings give us problems.

    24. LHLewis Howes35:14

        Feeling alone in our feelings give us problems.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy35:16

        That's what makes us stuck.

    26. LHLewis Howes35:17

        Interesting.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy35:18

        We're literally stuck because we're alone. Like, humans are, we're beings of connection and attachment. Attachment's what's driving us.

    28. LHLewis Howes35:24

        Wow.

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy35:24

        So we're always attachment seeking, and when we're not getting the attachment we need, we will get stuck and frozen, like you were kind of referring to. You're frozen.

    30. LHLewis Howes35:32

        Frozen. Yeah.
11. 37:32 – 40:57

    Time Boxing Worry Time

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy37:32

       "You don't need to feel like that anymore. That was four months." It's actually sticking them more. It's just like, wait.

    2. LHLewis Howes37:36

       Staying in the emotion more.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy37:37

       Yes.

    4. LHLewis Howes37:37

       Saying, "Let's talk about it more. Tell me more about this."

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy37:39

       Yeah, just tell me more. I must not have understood something. And then of course it's helpful to have language. Look, this was super, super helpful. Like kind of, I wouldn't say this to my kid, but we're gonna time box this. You know? [laughs] Like things are, you know, and you know.

    6. LHLewis Howes37:51

       Talk about it for what? 30 minutes and then-

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy37:53

       Sure

    8. LHLewis Howes37:53

       ... and then move on.

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy37:53

       I always like talk about when I used to work with adults, like who are really kind of looping in their anxiety, like we're gonna have a worry window. For like the top of an hour, for 10 minutes, you're gonna literally just focus on everything you're worried about. And like if you ever have a productive, hopeful thought, you're actually not... You're gonna say, "Sorry, no worry time. No, no, I'm only negative."

    10. LHLewis Howes38:09

        It's just stress, only right now.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy38:10

        Oh, I'm gonna write it all down.

    12. LHLewis Howes38:11

        Yeah.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy38:11

        And then during the other 50 minutes you're gonna say, "Hi, worries. And don't worry," like it's kind of like when you have multiple kids, like, "You will... You don't even want my attention now. You don't have my full attention." [laughs] It's like, "You're gonna get my full attention at, at 2:00. We're 15 minutes away." And, and, and our, our feelings actually, they kind of do respect that, and I think kids would, too.

    14. LHLewis Howes38:27

        Interesting.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy38:27

        So I wanna talk to you about lacrosse and I wanna be honest. I wanna talk about it. I haven't been the best listener. I really haven't. I'm gonna do that differently, you're gonna see. I'm not gonna be perfect, but you'll see a difference. At 1:10, that's when I'm gonna call it. Not because you're not allowed to have feelings after that, but feelings are tricky. Like it's super helpful to know them and it's helpful for feelings to know they even have a boundary. And so at that point-

    16. LHLewis Howes38:48

        [laughs] Wow, that's interesting

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy38:49

        ... you know, like we're, we're gonna do something else.

    18. LHLewis Howes38:51

        Yeah.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy38:51

        Or at least I'm gonna do something else.

    20. LHLewis Howes38:52

        Yeah. [laughs]

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy38:52

        Yeah, but you can do that.

    22. LHLewis Howes38:54

        Now, everything you say here makes a lot of sense to me, and I fully believe and understand that this is a great approach, um, to building relationship with anyone, right? A, a partner, a child, anyone. But I think about, you know, our grandparents' generation or our great-grandparents' generation that didn't have the conveniences, the ease, the speed of things that we do, the flexibility, the just pay for something and you have a solution done in seconds, uh, the distractions. And I could see them saying, you know, "What are you guys talking about? This just... What do you mean, have all these loving conversations and really sit down for 30 minutes and let them talk about nonsense or whatever?" You know, I could just think about our, our grandparents' generation, some of them, thinking, "What does this even mean?" Because we don't have that luxury to do that.

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy39:51

        Yeah.

    24. LHLewis Howes39:51

        We've gotta work hard. You know, there's wars happening. We've got child... We're, other stuff we're dealing with than trying to deal with a simple little emotion.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy40:00

        Mm-hmm.

    26. LHLewis Howes40:01

        I'm all for not being, being that way.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy40:03

        Yeah.

    28. LHLewis Howes40:03

        I'm all for having loving, vulnerable conversations. But again, it, what's, what I'm hearing you say is learning how to prepare individuals to be resilient is gonna be one of the greatest skills that they can learn. But it seems like it's really tough these days to build resilient children into young adults and adults with all the ease, flexibility, and distractions we have.

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy40:27

        I mean, I think you're absolutely right. It is really hard, and I think it doubles down on the reason why parents are like, "Okay, where's my school? Where's my resources?" 'Cause like this is a hard world. So there's a couple things I say. Like if someone ever said to me, like, "Becky, this does not make sense. Like this is like, it's like, oh, so you're talking about lacrosse feelings forever," like I really mean this, like if they were in the room saying that to me, 0% of me would even wanna be like, "Here's my argument back." I, I really, like I am a deeply curious person. Like I really am. I'd be like, "Oh, like, well, well, and what would that lead to? Like what would you be worried would happen? Like what would we be

12. 40:57 – 44:48

    The Importance of Engaging with Different Opinions

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy40:57

       missing there? Oh, that's a good point. Let's..." Or, "Oh, I see it this way." Like I would actually, I... There's nothing I love more than engaging in people who have very different opinions from me. Not because I see it as a match, like I actually learn a ton. So I have deep respect for people who don't think that way and would say that's the way the conversation would go. One thing I'll say, though, is we have this idea, and it's been passed on to us generation after generation, that like feelings are soft, which is like bananas to me. Like no part of me, like when I think about my style-

    2. LHLewis Howes41:24

       Mm

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:24

       ... my approach, like the word soft, or people actually say to me often, 'cause there's this whole field of gentle parenting, like, "Tell me about gentle parenting." I don't even know exactly how you'd define gentle parenting. Uh, gentle is like the, one of the, is lowest on the list of adjectives I'd use [laughs] to describe myself. That doesn't mean mean. It, there's a lot between. But-

    4. LHLewis Howes41:41

       Right, right

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:41

       ... gentle, soft, like that is so not me, right? That's just not my style. It's not my approach.

    6. LHLewis Howes41:46

       What is your style of parenting?

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:47

       I, I call... I mean, if I had to put a name to it, and I hate boxing myself in, but it would be like the word sturdy is it. And to me, sturdiness is your ability to both be connected to someone else and stay connected to yourself at the same time.

    8. LHLewis Howes41:59

       Mm.

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy42:00

       And the irony, and this is what I think is so interesting, we feel before we think. Our feelings are what give us basic information about survival, about danger, and about what we need. That's what our feeling is. Like anger is a feeling. Most of us haven't learned to manage it. That's a different topic. But anger is a feeling that tells you what you need. That's useful information to live a life in line with your values. Like feelings being soft, like I feel like someone said that thousands of years ago, and for some reason, like it k- like it doesn't, like it just doesn't make any sense to me. It's the first thing. What first thing in a circuit is soft? It's- ... primary.

    10. LHLewis Howes42:44

        Mm.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy42:44

        It's literally primary. Now, most of us were not raised to manage our emotions. But the way I see it from the start is kids are born with all of the emotions and none of the skills to manage emotions.

    12. LHLewis Howes42:57

        Wow.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy42:58

        And for generations we've said, "The emotions are the problem."

    14. LHLewis Howes43:01

        Mm.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy43:03

        The lack of skills are the problem.

    16. LHLewis Howes43:05

        Right.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy43:06

        Because the emotions, they're gonna beat us every day. They're inside of us. You can't get rid of them.

    18. LHLewis Howes43:10

        You can't, yeah.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy43:10

        If you can't beat them, join them. Like, that's-

    20. LHLewis Howes43:12

        Right

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy43:12

        ... soft. It's like, it's like something we justify to ourselves so we don't feel weak. Like-

    22. LHLewis Howes43:16

        Well, the funny thing is parents, they don't like the emotions of the child, but they can't manage their own emotions a lot of times.

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy43:21

        Well, that's actually what it is. Like, when we-

    24. LHLewis Howes43:23

        Yes

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy43:23

        ... say, let's say my kid is melting down because classic, let's say, toddler, I cut their grilled cheese in half.

    26. LHLewis Howes43:30

        Yeah.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy43:30

        You know, where I cut it in a triangle instead of the rectangles. Right?

    28. LHLewis Howes43:33

        Or you didn't cut the, uh, the edges off.

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy43:35

        The crust.

    30. LHLewis Howes43:35

        Or you-
13. 44:48 – 48:26

    The Flaws of Traditional Parenting Strategies

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:48

       like, "Go to your room," or, "No iPad for the week," or, "No dessert." I'm like, that is, that is freaking soft to me.

    2. LHLewis Howes44:57

       Really?

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:57

       Like, that is desperate. No parent is doing that from a place of groundedness. Like, I'm the CEO of my company. Like, if one of my employees was like acting out in some way and I was like, "Go to your room and no lunch for a week," do you think everyone around me would be like, "Becky is kicking ass. Like, what an amazing-"

    4. LHLewis Howes45:13

       [laughs]

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy45:13

       They'd be like, "Wow."

    6. LHLewis Howes45:14

       Right. She's, she's breaking down in front of us. Yeah.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy45:16

       She's breaking down.

    8. LHLewis Howes45:18

       She just, she's not a good leader.

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy45:19

       Literally.

    10. LHLewis Howes45:19

        Yeah.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy45:20

        Literally. She's desperate.

    12. LHLewis Howes45:21

        Wow.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy45:22

        That is soft.

    14. LHLewis Howes45:22

        Is that what they said to you last week or? [laughs]

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy45:24

        [laughs] No, but like, when people ask me about that, it's like guess what I lead with? The same principles.

    16. LHLewis Howes45:30

        Yeah.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy45:30

        Like, my job as a leader in that situation is I might have to set a boundary, which is something we can talk about 'cause I love talking about boundaries, and I think most people get them wrong. Um, and I might have to connect with that employee after. Maybe the employee's always interrupting me or something. But, like, sending someone away or like taking away something random, [laughs] like it's just, I don't know why that's a sign of like awesome leadership. It's a sign of desperation, and in that way I think that way of parenting is super soft.

    18. LHLewis Howes45:58

        So what's the best way to, to, I don't know if you wanna call it punish your children-

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy46:02

        Yeah

    20. LHLewis Howes46:02

        ... but what is the best way to create a lesson within them through either punishment or something else?

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy46:09

        Right. And, and I wanna ask your first question, 'cause it's what I get. So my kid did this thing, what's a good punishment, or how do I give a good punishment, or I don't do punishments, but I do do consequences. Whatever they say, right?

    22. LHLewis Howes46:19

        Right, right, right. Boundaries, whatever, yeah.

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy46:20

        That's right. And to me, this actually gets to the core of why I started writing, right? Because I was trained in a very different way of working with parents. It was all punishments, timeouts, rewards, sticker charts, ignoring, praise. It's kind of like praise the good to get more of the good, punish or ignore the bad to get less of the bad.

    24. LHLewis Howes46:39

        Wow.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy46:40

        And when I went through this very esteemed program, I, like, to me it was my first reaction, I was like, "This is amazing," because-

    26. LHLewis Howes46:46

        The program taught you these strategies.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy46:48

        Yeah. Yes. And this is like probably still the gold standard out there-

    28. LHLewis Howes46:51

        Mm-hmm

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy46:51

        ... to teach psychologists for how to work-

    30. LHLewis Howes46:53

        Wow
14. 48:26 – 52:05

    Questioning the Effectiveness of Timeouts

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy48:26

       like, I was saying this and my brain was like, "Yes, timeouts. Yes, it makes so much sense. I'm helping these people."

    2. LHLewis Howes48:31

       [laughs]

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy48:31

       Um, and it's so clear. It's just so clear. And when kids do something bad, I'm just gonna say it, it feels [laughs] it does feel good to give a punishment or a timeout 'cause you're like, "I just did something," and you kind of get to like-

    4. LHLewis Howes48:44

       I'm empowered. I'm like-

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy48:45

       ... vomit your frustration onto them.

    6. LHLewis Howes48:47

       Right.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy48:47

       Like, that's all it really is. You're like, "Now I don't have to feel bad. I'm just gonna-" Put it on you. So I get it, and I was teaching it, and this feeling, I just couldn't describe it. It's like my body was just, like, rising. Like, it was first like, "I don't know about this." And I was like, "Okay." And like, "Becky, I really don't know about this." And, but I was like, "Well, what else is there?" And I, I remember having... I was like, "I don't know. I don't know what else is there." So I kept having these sessions, and then one day these parents came and I was teaching them how to do a time out, and, like, it truly was one of those I would say out of body, but it was a massively in body experience that, like, that feeling got so loud in me. That's the only way I can describe what actually happened, that I couldn't finish the teaching. And I, I just said-

    8. LHLewis Howes49:25

       Wow

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy49:25

       ... to them, "This is gonna sound really weird, but I don't believe what I'm telling you." Literally. And I'll never forget their look, and they were just like, "Seriously? Like, you came very highly recommended."

    10. LHLewis Howes49:40

        Yeah. We paid you a lot of money for this session.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy49:42

        Paid you a lot of money. And I was like, "I will give you back your money." And they're like, "Yes, you will." And I was like, "Of course." And I was like, "And come back in, like, a couple weeks. I just have to figure something out." And they were like, "We will not be coming back." [laughs]

    12. LHLewis Howes49:52

        [laughs]

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy49:53

        I was like, "And I do not blame you."

    14. LHLewis Howes49:54

        Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy49:54

        Like, "This was a very weird experience. I'm sorry." It's actually funny. Like, with everything I've done now, I keep being like, "I think they're gonna reach out to me one day."

    16. LHLewis Howes50:00

        They never asked.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy50:01

        Not yet. I don't know. I'll let you know. Um-

    18. LHLewis Howes50:03

        That's funny

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy50:03

        ... but it just was like, I didn't feel right. And, and there's all of this evidence for it. And I'm a believer in evidence, and I love science. But-

    20. LHLewis Howes50:13

        Yes

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy50:13

        ... it's always interesting when a kid works. Like, works, what does work mean? And I think this gets to the core of your question, like, does work mean my kid has an intense reaction? Does work mean that if I happen to have a people-pleasing kid-

    22. LHLewis Howes50:25

        Mm

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy50:25

        ... who's very attentive to my gaze-

    24. LHLewis Howes50:27

        Mm

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy50:27

        ... and hates to disappoint me, that they'll change their behavior for that reason? By the way, they will have a whole host of other problems by the time they're adults.

    26. LHLewis Howes50:35

        Really?

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy50:36

        I mean-

    28. LHLewis Howes50:37

        What would those problems be for kids like that who just wanna please their parents constantly?

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy50:41

        That, that's the form of an attachment they formed, and so they end up going to adulthood not only being with, but actually seeking out and being attracted to people who are like, "Tell me I'm good. Tell me I'm good for you."

    30. LHLewis Howes50:54

        Ooh.
15. 52:05 – 55:37

    A Different Approach to Parenting

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy52:05

       on an approach I use with them that is a 180-degree difference from what I've been telling parents to do with their kids? Like, what about that? And, like, and then what ended up happening is I was like, I'm gonna take this very, like, first principles approach to parenting. Like, right? When you strip back every assumption. Anything that could be assumption, you're like, "No, no," and what are you left with? And I was left with one thing. One. 'Cause there's all these assumptions if you don't punish a behavior. It's like you're saying it's okay.

    2. LHLewis Howes52:30

       It's gonna continue. Yeah, yeah.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy52:31

       Exactly.

    4. LHLewis Howes52:31

       You're enabling.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy52:31

       When kids do bad things, you have to punish. Like, and I was like, I think that's an assumption. Like, that's an assumption. Again, because, like, if I wasn't my nicest to my husband and he's like, "I have to punish you-"

    6. LHLewis Howes52:41

       Mm-hmm

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy52:41

       ... I'd be like, I, I don't think anyone would be like, "That is-"

    8. LHLewis Howes52:43

       Yeah. I'm not gonna speak to you for a week.

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy52:45

       Yeah, I don't think anyone would be like... You have a wonderful husband.

    10. LHLewis Howes52:47

        Yeah.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy52:47

        Like, right? No one would say that.

    12. LHLewis Howes52:48

        Yeah, yeah.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy52:48

        They'd be concerned for me. And so I was left with one thing, and it was just like, kids are good inside, and there is a difference between good inside identity and bad behavior. And I've always been very attracted to gaps that don't make sense, because it's where you can, like, think and wonder. And I just started asking questions. Why would good kids do bad things? I, why would good people, why do good people do bad things? And then I came up with this phrase like, well, what would be my most generous interpretation? And to me, this is, like, a massive skill in adulthood too. Like, what is my most generous interpretation of why my employee is coming in late?

    14. LHLewis Howes53:20

        Mm.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy53:20

        What is my most generous interpretation of why my kid is jumping on the couch even though I looked at them and I said, "Please stop jumping on the couch," and they looked at me and they smiled, and then they kept jumping on the couch?

    16. LHLewis Howes53:30

        Kept jumping on the couch.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy53:31

        Like, I know my least generous interpretation 'cause we come up with that fast. 'Cause we're all like, "Well, my kid's a sociopath." And we, and we s- it's like so fast, and every parent's like, "I think that all the time." Because we go there, and then we of course interact with our kid based on that interpretation, which of course you then send your kid to their room. So what is my most generous interpretation? Everyone came back to the same thing. I have a good kid who doesn't have the skills. They don't have the skills. They're struggling. I have a kid who's having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.

    18. LHLewis Howes53:59

        Mm.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy53:59

        And the pathway you take from having a hard time versus giving me a hard time could not be more different, and you ask different questions. So when parents say to me, "What's the punishment?" It's like, to me, a question is like a road you're asking someone to walk down with you in life, that, that's how I think about questions. And, like, for me, when a parent asks me that question, I'm like, I just, that's not a road I'm gonna walk down.

    20. LHLewis Howes54:21

        Mm.

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy54:21

        It's not gonna lead us to a productive place. [laughs] Right? Like, and there's a different road I can walk down with you, whether it's like I wonder why we think punishment, you know, is the right thing, but even more practically, let's say it's the jumping on the couch. Like, well, what's the most generous interpretation here? And I'm not a softy. Again, I'm very practical. I want change for kids' behavior. Like, I've, like, very, like [laughs] I have, like, a little window that I can be tolerant. I get it. Like, and I'm all for these wins that last. But then I would just ask a different question, not what punishment, but what skill literally would my kid need- So that the next time this happens, they actually have a new skill to use, as opposed to being punished for not having had that skill.

    22. LHLewis Howes55:07

        Mm.

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy55:07

        Same thing with a football player. Like-

    24. LHLewis Howes55:09

        Right

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy55:09

        ... your quarterback is like, I don't know, constantly throwing interceptions, like I guess you could punish the quarterback.

    26. LHLewis Howes55:15

        Or teach him new skills.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy55:16

        I... But like why then would the quarterback do anything differently the next time they were under that [laughs] condition? Like, why? It doesn't even make... That's where the logic breaks down.

    28. LHLewis Howes55:23

        Right.

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy55:23

        Or I can, in practice, be like, "Every time," I don't know, whatever it is, "this happens, th- we've noticed your pattern."

    30. LHLewis Howes55:30

        Mm-hmm.
16. 55:37 – 59:11

    Responding to Coaching Criticisms

    1. LHLewis Howes55:37

       You just triggered something in me. It's like when I would get screamed at by the coaches that I felt like were less effective, um, when I would drop the ball, if they were like, "Why did you do that? Catch the ball." It's like, you think I'm trying to drop the b- I'm not trying to drop the ball.

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy55:52

       That's right.

    3. LHLewis Howes55:52

       But now I'm gonna go out there the next time and, "Don't drop the ball this time," it's like, now I'm anxious. Now I'm nervous. Now everyone's watching. Now there's higher stakes. There's pressure, and I'm gonna try to do my best. And if I drop it again, it's just like, now I'm a failure. It's not empowering me to be better. It's not teaching me a skill. It's not saying, "Okay, the goal is for you to catch the ball. Let's talk about what might have happened-

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy56:17

       Right

    5. LHLewis Howes56:17

       ... for you. What were you thinking? What were you feeling? Do you need more..." Whatever you, skills you need. So I like this approach to-

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy56:23

       That's right

    7. LHLewis Howes56:23

       ... addressing the skill or the lesson or something to be taught, as opposed to blaming, shaming, or punishing.

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy56:31

       Yeah, and again, like to me, like it's just 0% soft.

    9. LHLewis Howes56:34

       Mm-hmm.

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy56:34

        It's just like how people change. Like, and to me the phrase same team-

    11. LHLewis Howes56:38

        It's also called leadership

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy56:39

        ... it's leadership.

    13. LHLewis Howes56:40

        Yeah.

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy56:40

        And I think same team is a helpful phrase to get in that mindset. Like, like I feel like if a coach said to you like, "Lewis, we're on the same team," and Lewis like-

    15. LHLewis Howes56:47

        Uh-huh

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy56:47

        ... "I know you know you're supposed to catch the ball. You do not need me to tell you that."

    17. LHLewis Howes56:51

        Yeah.

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy56:51

        Like, we don't say... Like, our kids know that they shouldn't be hitting. Like, they kn- So, but if you think about that, that can anger parents. They know better. And frankly, I know better than to scroll on my phone before bed.

    19. LHLewis Howes57:02

        Sure, sure.

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy57:03

        Still do it, right? So if you approach them like, "Hey, Lewis, we're on the same team, and I know you know this." And to me this is [laughs] like a helpful phrase even to think. There's something that's getting in your way this game. I don't really know what it is, but I do know we're gonna break it down together and figure it out. How are you gonna feel? I mean, like-

    21. LHLewis Howes57:18

        You feel a lot better.

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy57:19

        Right.

    23. LHLewis Howes57:19

        Oh, he's on my side, or she's on my side. They see what I'm up to. You know, they're with me in the pain, whatever it might be.

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy57:25

        That's right, and I don't think you think, "I think my coach thinks it's fine if I drop the next ball." Like, and no one thinks that.

    25. LHLewis Howes57:30

        No.

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy57:30

        You're just like, now you have an opportunity to change. So if we get this jumping on the couch example, 'cause I think it's like a-

    27. LHLewis Howes57:35

        Yeah, it's a good one

    28. BKDr. Becky Kennedy57:36

        ... it's a good one. And it actually brings us to boundaries-

    29. LHLewis Howes57:38

        Yes

    30. BKDr. Becky Kennedy57:38

        ... which is like one of my favorite life topics.
17. 59:11 – 1:03:11

    The Terrifying Pilots

    1. LHLewis Howes59:11

       Right, right.

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy59:11

       Second, like all it takes is passengers being upset to kind of make my pilot like go off the deep end. Like-

    3. LHLewis Howes59:18

       Mm, that's scary

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy59:18

       ... you're more scared. Okay. But pilot two is the opposite extreme. "Everyone back there is scared, and, and you know what? It is scary, and I'm just gonna open the cockpit door. If anyone wants to come in here and take over, be my guest." Terrifying.

    5. LHLewis Howes59:37

       Terrifying.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy59:38

       Where we're like your feelings are just contagious, and that's what happens, right?

    7. LHLewis Howes59:44

       Mm.

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy59:44

       Where someone's like, "I don't wa- I don't wanna... I, I don't... I wanna watch one more show. I wanna watch one more show." Now, if as a parent you think, you know what? I don't care about having them watch another show.

    9. LHLewis Howes59:55

       Yeah.

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy59:56

        I thought about it. I am changing my decision because I made that shift. Kids can smell, and they know, whether it's that, or if it's something like, "Oh, okay. Yes, I guess you can go to bed late because tomorrow we're go- Oh, okay, fine." And a kid-

    11. LHLewis Howes1:00:11

        Mm

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:00:12

        ... feels like you open the cockpit door.

    13. LHLewis Howes1:00:14

        You influenced... Yeah, yeah.

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:00:15

        And now they can make big decisions. That is actually terrifying for a kid 'cause they feel like they don't have a leader. They don't have a pilot.

    15. LHLewis Howes1:00:23

        Kids love boundaries, don't they?

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:00:24

        They love boundaries. It would be like if your pilot was like, "We have to make an emergency landing," and everyone's like, "No, I don't wanna land in Denver." And the pilot's like, "Okay, forget it."

    17. LHLewis Howes1:00:33

        Oh, we'll just crash.

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:00:34

        Exactly.

    19. LHLewis Howes1:00:34

        Yeah.

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:00:34

        You're like, just... Right? So the third pilot to me is the essence of sturdy leadership.

    21. LHLewis Howes1:00:39

        Mm.

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:00:39

        Which to me are those pillars, validating other people's feelings and staying connected to your own role through your boundaries. And to me, the pilot you wanna hear there is, "I hear that everyone's freaking out. You're right. I hear you. It's very turbulent."

    23. LHLewis Howes1:00:51

        Stay calm.

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:00:52

        And even if as a pilot you don't think it's that turbulent, you can still say, "I recognize it's turbulent." Everyone's upset. You know, you guys do your thing. If you need to scream, it's fine. I'm about to get off and go do my job. I've done this a million times, and I'm gonna land us in Los Angeles. I'll see you on the ground.

    25. LHLewis Howes1:01:09

        Let's go.

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:01:09

        Let's freaking go.

    27. LHLewis Howes1:01:10

        Let's go. [laughs]

    28. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:01:11

        Right? And you're like, "Why am I calm? Nothing around me changed."

    29. LHLewis Howes1:01:15

        Right.

    30. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:01:15

        But I am calm. And to me, like you want a leader who sees that your feelings are real and is not infected by them.
18. 1:03:11 – 1:06:54

    Violating Boundaries

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:03:11

       "Hey, stop jumping." Let's say it is stop... In my house, people jump on the couch. I don't really care.

    2. LHLewis Howes1:03:15

       Yeah, yeah.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:03:15

       But let's say it was that, or it was dangerous. There was a glass table. "Sweetie, I need you to jump, stop jumping on the couch. You can jump on the floor." And then he looks at me and he starts jumping. And I say, "You violated my boundaries. He doesn't res- he doesn't respect my bound- he doesn't respect me." We always like center ourselves, right? Now, if I have a kid who I know is kind of like a pushing the limit kid, not because they're bad, because that's how they're learning about their world, their temperament.

    4. LHLewis Howes1:03:40

       Yeah, it's their temperament. Yeah, their personality.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:03:41

       This is not a boundary. It's not a boundary. That's a request, because the success of what I said is dependent on someone else. When we make a request of someone, which we have to do, we can't always set a boundary, right? We have to be in a relationship with them. We have to understand they have the right coping abilities. We have to like know that they might meet my request.

    6. LHLewis Howes1:04:00

       Decline. They, they might decline.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:04:01

       They might decline. Probably not because they don't respect me, you know? Like, uh, it's just for other reasons. This is a boundary, and again, this is where good inside is anything but soft. After he doesn't listen, "Hey, sweetie, it looks like you're having a hard time getting down off the couch. I'm gonna walk over to you, and if by the time I get there you're not off, I'm gonna put my hands around you, I'm gonna pick you up, and I'm gonna put you on the floor, and you can, you can jump over there." That is a boundary because... And I can even test it. Did I tell my kid what I will do? I did. Does it require my kid to do nothing? It does. And just to get real, like when I do that with my son, he does not say to me like, "Thank you for your sturdy leadership."

    8. LHLewis Howes1:04:38

       [laughs]

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:04:38

       Like he does not, and-

    10. LHLewis Howes1:04:39

        You get no praise, no-

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:04:40

        Zero

    12. LHLewis Howes1:04:41

        ... gratitude.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:04:41

        I get a tantrum.

    14. LHLewis Howes1:04:42

        Yeah, yeah.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:04:42

        And on some level, I think, again, we wish as parents that when we like have these amazing interventions, our kids are gonna like clap it up for us.

    16. LHLewis Howes1:04:48

        I love you, Mommy. Thank you so much.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:04:49

        You're the best. Right. They're not. We have to validate ourselves.

    18. LHLewis Howes1:04:52

        Oh, thank you. My God.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:04:52

        Hard for people, definitely hard for women. I know I'm doing my role.

    20. LHLewis Howes1:04:56

        Why is it hard for women to, to validate themselves-

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:04:58

        Because we've been-

    22. LHLewis Howes1:04:58

        ... and not want validation from their children?

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:05:01

        Well, we do want validation. Why is it hard-

    24. LHLewis Howes1:05:03

        Why is it hard for them to, to n- I mean, validate themselves-

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:05:06

        Mm-hmm

    26. LHLewis Howes1:05:06

        ... when they don't ever get validation from their kids?

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:05:08

        That's right. So I think women and ch- many people, so it's not just women, but let's just say especially little girls, we are taught in families, we are taught by society to gaze out before we gaze in. To me, the essence of confidence is like your ability to gaze in before you gaze out. Like what is going on for me, at least what do I need, right? But we are taught to gaze out, and we are taught-

    28. LHLewis Howes1:05:30

        Seek validation from the outside

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:05:31

        ... to say like, "I can fill myself up outside. Who am I? How do you look at me? Are you happy with me?"

    30. LHLewis Howes1:05:39

        Mm.
19. 1:06:54 – 1:10:20

    Understanding the mindset behind punishment

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:06:54

       think we should make an emergency landing?"

    2. LHLewis Howes1:06:56

       Wow.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:06:56

       Like, right?

    4. LHLewis Howes1:06:56

       Wow.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:06:56

       And you're like, "Oh my God," right? That's, and then that's, of course, that actually leads to kind of, quote, "worse behavior" in kids. Not because kids are trying to manipulate us at all. Imagine being on the plane and hearing that from your pilot. There'd be worse behavior from passengers because they feel so much more unsafe.

    6. LHLewis Howes1:07:13

       They feel out of control. They wanna try to control some situation.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:16

       Yes

    8. LHLewis Howes1:07:18

       Wow. I'm like, I have so many extra questions I wanna ask you, but I, I'm curious-

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:22

       We didn't even get to number three. [laughs]

    10. LHLewis Howes1:07:24

        Okay, let's get to three. Let's get to three because-

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:27

        We don't have to ever get there. It's okay

    12. LHLewis Howes1:07:28

        ... so we shouldn't, so we shouldn't, we shouldn't punish.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:31

        So, uh, yes. To me, it's so-

    14. LHLewis Howes1:07:32

        And is there ever a time to punish?

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:34

        I mean, I, I really am not so rigid. I try not to be so rigid, so is there... But to me, it's like the question of should we punish, to me, brings you back for another key framework, the same team framework.

    16. LHLewis Howes1:07:44

        Yes.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:44

        And to me, again, same thing at work-

    18. LHLewis Howes1:07:46

        Yeah

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:46

        ... same thing in romantic relationships. When you're mad at someone, or when you're in a conflict, or when you feel like someone did something to you, assuming it's a person that you wanna be in a relationship with, if it's not, this doesn't apply, if they're toxic.

    20. LHLewis Howes1:07:58

        Mm-hmm.

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:58

        But if it's someone you're like, "In general, we have a good relationship," there's two ways approaching it. One is, and it's kind of like how we're sitting, it's me against you, and Lewis is the problem. So let's say like I arrived-

    22. LHLewis Howes1:08:10

        Uh-uh

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08:10

        ... to your podcast studio, and you were like 30 minutes late. I'm like so pissed, and I wanna tell you like, "How could you be late? I flew in for this podcast." By the way, that didn't happen for one. All right, well, let's say it did.

    24. LHLewis Howes1:08:19

        You did fly in.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08:20

        Okay.

    26. LHLewis Howes1:08:20

        But you didn't-

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08:20

        That's right. No, no, no.

    28. LHLewis Howes1:08:21

        [laughs]

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08:21

        I'm not, but I'm simulating this.

    30. LHLewis Howes1:08:22

        Yeah, yeah.
20. 1:10:20 – 1:14:05

    Understanding Behaviors and Building a Good Identity

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:20

       that could happen."

    2. LHLewis Howes1:10:21

       Yeah.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:21

       Then if I punish my kid, and I'm like, "I can't believe you did that. It's not within the values of our family, and, like, here's your punishment," first of all, our kids respond to the version of themselves we reflect back.

    4. LHLewis Howes1:10:31

       Hmm.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:32

       So I'm mirroring back to my kid like, "You're a bad kid."

    6. LHLewis Howes1:10:34

       Wow.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:35

       And then I'm asking them to have behavior that would come from feeling like a good kid. Like, you have to feel good inside before you act good on the outside.

    8. LHLewis Howes1:10:42

       Come on.

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:42

       Come on. Let's go.

    10. LHLewis Howes1:10:43

        Come on now.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:43

        Right? You do. So again, just counterproductive.

    12. LHLewis Howes1:10:46

        You have to feel good inside-

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:48

        Before you can act good on the outside. I know act good isn't like good English, but it just, like-

    14. LHLewis Howes1:10:52

        No, it is

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:52

        ... flows better that way.

    16. LHLewis Howes1:10:52

        That's great.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:53

        Um-

    18. LHLewis Howes1:10:54

        So if we feel bad inside, it's really hard to act good on the outside.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:58

        That's right. Like, think about your boss always being like, "You're late, and you're the worst, and you don't do good presentations." You come to work the next day being like, "I'm gonna crush it." Like, you're, you're paralyzed by the, because, by the way they're reflecting back who you are if they're an important person in your life.

    20. LHLewis Howes1:11:10

        Mm-hmm.

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:11:10

        Right? So what would I say to my kid? Let, let me just be clear. I'm not saying, I would never say, "Oh, that probably was a hard day, and there were reasons why you did that."

    22. LHLewis Howes1:11:19

        Hmm. Yeah, you wouldn't validate the behavior.

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:11:22

        I, I, I, I, I wouldn't end there and say, "Now let's go out to dinner," okay?

    24. LHLewis Howes1:11:27

        [laughs]

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:11:27

        I wouldn't. Like, I wouldn't be like, you know, "Cool." Here's what I'd probably say. "I heard about what happened at school." Let me just start there because something happened at school today. Never ask a question to any human being that you know the answer to.

    26. LHLewis Howes1:11:39

        Hmm.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:11:40

        Because they know it's not a question. It's a criticism veiled with a question mark, and that is infuriating. So a question is only a question when you don't know the answer. So I would never start that. I mean, I would try not to. I'd say, "I heard what happened at school, and I heard this thing. I saw this video. And, like, look, before you go further," and I would say this, you might push back, "you're a good kid." I, like, if I can't hold that I have-

    28. LHLewis Howes1:12:02

        Uh-huh

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:12:02

        ... a good kid who did a bad thing, why in heck would my kid be able to do that?

    30. LHLewis Howes1:12:09

        Wow.
21. 1:14:05 – 1:18:11

    Teaching Resilience through Uncomfortable Scenarios

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:05

       I might say, "Look, we're gonna do something." And then I would get a little, like, not harsh, but firm. And if my son's like, I don't know, "Can I just play Fortnite? I don't wanna do this." I'd, right, I'd be like, "I'm just gonna say this one time. You literally have to go through this with me before you play Fortnite."

    2. LHLewis Howes1:14:19

       Uh-huh.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:19

       Like, "That's not a threat. My most important job is helping you-"

    4. LHLewis Howes1:14:23

       Wow

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:23

       ... "in life, and I know this is gonna help. And so even if you roll your eyes, we will do this. That's your decision." It's firm, but it's not mean.

    6. LHLewis Howes1:14:30

       Right, right, right.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:30

       It's from a place of help.

    8. LHLewis Howes1:14:31

       Right.

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:32

       And then I'd say, "We're gonna do something, and this is gonna sound really weird, sweetie. Um, we're gonna go to the basketball court, and I'm gonna heckle you. I am. I'm gonna say some mean [censored] "

    10. LHLewis Howes1:14:42

        Wow.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:43

        I'm gonna-

    12. LHLewis Howes1:14:43

        Put them through the experience

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:44

        ... sure. Isn't that what we do-

    14. LHLewis Howes1:14:46

        Yeah, you need to

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:46

        ... in sports? Like, right, right.

    16. LHLewis Howes1:14:47

        You need to.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:48

        And so I'm gonna go-

    18. LHLewis Howes1:14:48

        You need to prepare for these challenges.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:50

        That's right. And what I say to him is-

    20. LHLewis Howes1:14:51

        Practice them

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:51

        ... "I don't expect you in that situation to go like this." We get these most unrealistic hope, it's this-

    22. LHLewis Howes1:14:57

        Oh, I'm happy

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:14:57

        ... I'm... [laughs] Yeah, exactly. Like, "And I want you to say to this kid..." No. But we might... I would prompt him. "And, and what I want you to do," and I would get up, "is instead of moving toward me, when I say that, you're gonna turn your body, and you're gonna walk away."

    24. LHLewis Howes1:15:13

        Mm.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:15:14

        Because if you teach kids when they're mad to give space, they're gonna make... They're gonna literally have more time to make better decisions.

    26. LHLewis Howes1:15:19

        Yes.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:15:20

        Okay?

    28. LHLewis Howes1:15:20

        They're not gonna react as quickly.

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:15:21

        That's right. And then if we wanna get to the heart of why kids say mean things to bullies or something, they're having a hard time regulating something in themselves, so I might give my kid a mantra too when they're walking away.

    30. LHLewis Howes1:15:29

        Mm. Yeah.
22. 1:18:11 – 1:22:02

    Rising Above Heckling and Building Identity

    1. LHLewis Howes1:18:11

       road game, and these fans are not gonna be cheering you on."

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:18:14

       Right.

    3. LHLewis Howes1:18:14

       "They're gonna be screaming at you, booing at you, throwing stuff on the field, calling you names, trying to get under your skin. They're gonna punch you in bad places. They're gonna do bad things to you. And you can play victim and say, 'Ref' and 'All these people, why are they doing this to me?' Or you can rise above it and be prepared for it." And it's doing it in a loving context, I think, is what we need to do.

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:18:36

       Yeah.

    5. LHLewis Howes1:18:36

       Not, like, just putting them down and diminishing kids, but, like, saying, "This is what we're gonna create. I love you, but I wanna create this scenario for you."

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:18:43

       Yeah, and I want it... Like, to me, the heckling, like, it's gonna be humorous 'cause-

    7. LHLewis Howes1:18:46

       Of course

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:18:46

       ... my son's gonna be like, "My mom's, like, saying random stuff. She doesn't even know how to..." You know. But, you know, someone... And we- someone said this to me. It's not... You know, and I think it's so powerful, and we're... I talk about a lot of pilot metaphors, and you were talking about the Navy SEALs, that in moments of challenge, we don't rise to the occasion, we fall to the level of our training.

    9. LHLewis Howes1:19:05

       Yes.

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:19:06

        And this goes back to parents needing resources so that in those moments of challenge, their level of training has, you know, risen.

    11. LHLewis Howes1:19:14

        Mm-hmm. Man, I'm so excited about this. You know, one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on is because I wanna be a parent one day, right? I wanna have kids. I wanna be a parent. I actually feel like I'm at a season of life where I feel like I've done enough healing work for myself where I don't think I will repeat certain patterns that my parents unconsciously did, right And my parents did a lot of good, but there's also things that I'm like, "Hmm, I don't know if that was the right way to build identity in myself and my siblings," right?

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:19:46

        Mm. Mm-hmm.

    13. LHLewis Howes1:19:46

        They built great identity in other ways, but in other ways maybe it was more challenging, and I had to learn how to unwind some of those things, integrate and heal maybe that inner child that was still sad, suffering, or insecure. And so I'm trying to have as many conversations to prepare myself, not to be the perfect parent, 'cause I don't think there is a perfect parent, but to be the best potential parent that I can be, knowing I'm gonna be flawed, knowing I'm gonna make mistakes, and knowing I'm gonna do something probably that is gonna hurt my child at some point.

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:20:19

        Mm-hmm.

    15. LHLewis Howes1:20:20

        But I think what you talked about in the beginning, having the resources and the tools is the first step for parents, developing certain skills. And that might mean you have to, you know, get your book and read it 10 times until you start to pick up one or two skills that you've never learned before. So I'm just really grateful that you're here, and I'm grateful that four years ago you decided to put your content online and bring this message to the masses, because I think parents... I'm not a parent, but I think parents are scared to raise bad kids, and I think parents feel insecure. They don't feel well-equipped, especially with social media and, uh, you know, drugs in schools and shootings in schools and just insecurity. All the different stuff that's happening in schools that we don't have time to get into today, but I want people to get your book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. And I think a lot of people in general never felt like they're a good person growing up. I speak for myself, but I feel like there's so many people that are craving to feel good. And so again, I know that you're a teacher for parents to help their kids, but really you're a teacher for humans to heal and become better leaders in their life. So I wanna acknowledge you for the gift you bring, the consistency you bring to add value to people with your content, with your book. I know you have an app that also helps parents learn these skills and tools with a lot of different AI and all these different things you guys are bringing into it. So I want people to follow you on social media. Your Instagram is amazing. I love it. Again, I'm not a parent, but I love watching your content because I feel like it's relevant for becoming a better

23. 1:22:02 – 1:26:05

    Leaving Behind Three Truths

    1. LHLewis Howes1:22:02

       human being and a better leader in your life. I want people to get your book, Good Inside. I think it's required reading for every parent or wanna-be parent, so get Good Inside. And, um, how else can we be of support to you besides going to goodinside.com, getting a book, and, uh, checking out your app?

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:22:20

       I, I mean, to me, conversations like this are just fantastic. I apprec- I appreciate this. Thank you for helping. You know, ideas get spread because other people also help spread them, so it... I love, like, the excitement you bring to these ideas, and this has been amazing. So I've, I have no, I have no asks. [laughs]

    3. LHLewis Howes1:22:35

       [laughs] I appreciate it.

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:22:36

       [laughs]

    5. LHLewis Howes1:22:37

       I feel like we, uh, we're gonna have to have you back on at some point, because I have so many other questions I wanted to ask you. Um, but this has been really powerful. Even just those three things you talked about, I'm so glad we're talking about this. I believe you. Tell me more. It's really powerful, and that's also something you could do in an intimate relationship. You know, when you don't wanna have challenging conversations, if you actually did that with your partner, man, you're gonna feel a sense of peace and relief on the other side because you went through the challenging conversation together as opposed to avoiding it or being distracted or whatever it might be. Uh, and that's hard when your attachment style is insecure or avoidant, so you've gotta learn to heal so you can have a more secure attachment style in all your relationships, with intimacy and with your kids. Um, so much to always learn. Um, but again, love to have you back on to talk about more. Couple final questions for you to finish the, uh, conversation. This is our rapid fire... No, I'm just kidding. [laughs] I'm just kidding.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:23:33

       Should I do push-ups? Get ready?

    7. LHLewis Howes1:23:34

       [laughs] There's a question I ask everyone at the end. Um, it's called the Three Truths. So imagine you get to live as long as you wanna live, Dr. Becky, but it's your last day on Earth many years away, and for whatever reason in this hypothetical scenario, you have to take all of your content with you, all of your Instagram content, whatever content you create in the future, your books. This interview is gone. So no one has access to anything you've ever put out in the world. But on the last day, you get to leave three things behind, three things you know to be true that you would leave behind for us to have access to. What would be those three truths or three lessons that you would share?

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:24:13

       Okay. Um, I have two, so let's see how we get to the third. One is that we are good inside.

    9. LHLewis Howes1:24:20

       Mm.

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:24:21

        And our good identity is separate from any bad behavior.

    11. LHLewis Howes1:24:25

        Mm-hmm.

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:24:28

        Number two is it is never too late, and the single most important relationship strategy in the world is repair. And three is that the only real strategy you have with your kid is connection.

    13. LHLewis Howes1:24:45

        Mm. Yeah, we didn't even get into how to repair, which you talk about in your book, so that's another reason for people to get your book and to have you back on to really dive into-

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:24:53

        And to listen to my TED Talk, 'cause that's what it's about.

    15. LHLewis Howes1:24:55

        Exactly. It's about really how to repair-

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:24:57

        Yes

    17. LHLewis Howes1:24:58

        ... uh, when there's a breakdown or when there's a-

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:25:00

        Yeah, when you yell at-

    19. LHLewis Howes1:25:00

        ... an upset

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:25:01

        ... yeah.

    21. LHLewis Howes1:25:01

        When there's, when you scream at your kid, when you yell at them. Final question: What's your definition of greatness?

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:25:08

        I th- I think it's a combination of internal, um, accomplishment and external impact.

    23. LHLewis Howes1:25:17

        Mm.

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:25:17

        So if I think about greatness, I think a lot about this concept or feeling of being lit up inside. Um, it's how I feel talking to you and talking about these ideas, putting them out there, but I think greatness is when you feel so lit up inside by something that it drives you, and so much that you can't contain it.

    25. LHLewis Howes1:25:35

        Mm.

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:25:35

        And so it kind of explodes out of you with joy and authenticity and-

    27. LHLewis Howes1:25:40

        Mm-hmm

    28. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:25:40

        ... belief, so much that it ends up igniting something that is in someone else and lights them up and has this kind of generative movement.

    29. LHLewis Howes1:25:49

        Ah. That's beautiful. Dr. Becky, thank you so much.

    30. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:25:53

        Thank you.
24. 1:26:05 – 1:26:14

    Intergenerational Trauma

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:26:05

       right? But not necessarily for when we're talking about layered trauma, when we're talking about these traumas-

    2. LHLewis Howes1:26:11

       Mm

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:26:11

       ... that have been there for generations and that have these imprints-

Episode duration: 1:26:15