The Science of Spirituality: How Your Mind Is Creating Your Reality | Dr. Lisa Miller

Dr. Lisa Miller 0:00 We have done 10 years of MRI studies through which we've found very specific circuits in the brain true to every single human being on Earth, and they show us that we are built to receive and perceive a relationship to our higher power. Specifically, there are three circuits in the brain. We all have these three circuits. The first is-

Lewis Howes 0:22 She is a psychologist, a New York Times bestselling author, and one of the world's leading researchers at the intersection of neuroscience and spirituality. Please welcome Dr. Lisa Miller.

Dr. Lisa Miller 0:33 You can choose this very moment to activate your awakened brain. It is right there, a quarter inch under the surface, built and ready to go. Everyone has this equipment, so then it's a choice, and you and you alone can cultivate your own awakened awareness.

Lewis Howes 0:48 If someone doesn't have a relationship to God, what happens to their brain, or what do you see in MRI studies or research in that person's brain?

Dr. Lisa Miller 0:57 Lewis, it's such an important point.

Lewis Howes 1:03 If someone wants to create or manifest a new reality for themselves, what is it that your research has revealed about the connection between our brains and spirituality that would surprise a lot of people?

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:17 There's two things that we all need to know. The first is that every one of us is born a naturally spiritual person-

Lewis Howes 1:25 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:25 ... with a brain hardwired for spiritual awareness. Built into our brain from day one are circuits through which we can perceive the transcendent presence. My word is God.

Lewis Howes 1:40 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:40 Everyone has their own sacred word.

Lewis Howes 1:42 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:42 Jesus, Hashem, the universe, Krishna, whatever one's sacred word may be. We are built, literally, Lewis, wired in our brain to be able to have a transcendent relationship with our higher power.

Lewis Howes 1:56 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:57 That relationship is real. It is built into the fabric of who we are so that we can perceive the reality of the world as it's truly built.

Lewis Howes 2:07 Is that built into our brains? Is it into our heart, our nervous system? Is it into our soul? Like, what is the research sharing or revealing about this?

Dr. Lisa Miller 2:18 We have done 10 years of MRI studies through which we've found very specific circuits in the brain true to every single human being on Earth, and they show us that we are built to receive and perceive a relationship to our higher power.

Lewis Howes 2:33 Really? Does that higher power mean whatever that word is for you, God or universe or whatever that is?

Dr. Lisa Miller 2:39 It's whatever your word may be as it applies to the deep, loving, guiding presence in life.

Lewis Howes 2:45 Is it our higher selves or our creator?

Dr. Lisa Miller 2:48 It is our creator.

Lewis Howes 2:49 Okay.

Dr. Lisa Miller 2:50 It is our creator.

Lewis Howes 2:51 Interesting. So-

Dr. Lisa Miller 2:52 And it's not just something bigger than ourself, 'cause something bigger than ourself could be something unfortunate like a cult or an extremist group-

Lewis Howes 2:59 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 2:59 ... that's bigger than ourself. This is something loving, guiding, and ever present.

Lewis Howes 3:04 And MRIs sh- reveal this? Like, how does it show this?

Dr. Lisa Miller 3:08 MRIs show that we are built to perceive a loving, holding, guiding creator.

Lewis Howes 3:14 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 3:14 Specifically, there are three circuits in the brain. We all have these three circuits. The first is the bonding network, which lets us know that we are loved and held, just as we were loved and held as children-

Lewis Howes 3:29 Mm-hmm, mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 3:29 ... in our parents' arms. The second is a shift in our attention network from the narrow, task-driven, gotta have it, gotta get it dorsal attention to the big view of the ventral attention network. The lights come back on and a new direction pops. We receive guidance. We are loved, held. We are guided. And the third core component of the spiritual brain is the parietal that puts in and out hard boundaries so that we know-

Lewis Howes 4:00 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 4:00 ... that Lewis is in this chair and Lisa is in the other, and we have friends at all different GPS coordinates. We are a point, and we are a wave. We are unique, and we're part of one family of life, the greater oneness. Loved, held, guided, and never alone. The three circuits in our brains that allow us to see that we are loved, held, guided, and never alone map onto the reality of a creator who is all-loving-

Lewis Howes 4:29 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 4:29 ... all-knowing, and all-present.

Lewis Howes 4:32 If someone doesn't have a relationship to God or their creator that is all-loving, all-knowing, all-present-

Dr. Lisa Miller 4:41 Yes

Lewis Howes 4:41 ... and they don't believe in that-

Dr. Lisa Miller 4:43 Yeah

Lewis Howes 4:43 ... what happens to their brain, or what do you see in MRI studies or research in that

Lewis Howes 4:48 person's brain?

Dr. Lisa Miller 4:48 So, Lewis, it's such an important point. We are all built not just to believe, but to perceive a loving, guiding, present creator. So if we don't-

Lewis Howes 4:59 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 4:59 ... right, which is fine, right, that opportunity still exists within us. Nobody's left out. No one is born without these circuits. In the same way that we all are born with ears and eyes and feet, this is how we're built.

Lewis Howes 5:13 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 5:14 So if I don't feel the presence, it's simply a matter of building the muscle.

Lewis Howes 5:20 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 5:21 In the same way that we might have physical fitness for the physical core, we can have spiritual fitness for the spiritual core, practicing awakening. This can be prayer, meditation. It can be reflective reading or teachings, introspection, a deep connection to the divinity through nature.

Lewis Howes 5:42 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 5:43 Whatever our pathway-

Lewis Howes 5:44 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 5:44 ... it leads us to the same place.

Lewis Howes 5:46 I feel like there's a lot of disconnected people in the world right now that are distracted by things that are not connecting them to a source, to God, to their creator, and their ability to perceive that experience with God is diminished, and maybe it doesn't even feel like it's there at all. What actually changes inside of the brain for someone- When they activate their awakened brain versus living disconnected

Dr. Lisa Miller 6:13 You can choose this very moment to activate your awakened brain. It is right there, a quarter inch under the surface, built and ready to go. Everyone has this equipment. So then it's a choice. It's a choice. Because while the awakened brain is inborn, it is one-third innate, two-thirds cultivated.

Lewis Howes 6:33 Hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 6:34 And you and you alone can cultivate your own awakened awareness in the same way that you and you alone can build your muscles and build your stamina-

Lewis Howes 6:41 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 6:42 ... and cultivate your temperament. You and you alone can build

Dr. Lisa Miller 6:46 your, your birthright.

Lewis Howes 6:47 If someone has been very disconnected from that ability to perceive or feel God's presence-

Dr. Lisa Miller 6:54 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 6:54 ... or the creator's presence, um, what are a few things they can do-

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:00 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 7:00 ... right now to start-

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:01 Right now

Lewis Howes 7:01 ... activating that connection?

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:03 Good. If there is, from your past, an old rusty prayer that spoke to you at one point-

Lewis Howes 7:10 Uh-huh

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:10 ... I invite you to dust that off.

Lewis Howes 7:12 Yeah. [laughs]

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:12 And it might be awkward the first time, even the second. But very quickly-

Lewis Howes 7:17 Hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:17 ... if as a child you prayed-

Lewis Howes 7:19 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:20 ... you paved the road, effectively myelinated the pathway in your brain to get back-

Lewis Howes 7:27 Hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:27 ... to your childhood gift, which we all have, of a relationship to the creator. Now, if no one ever sat by your side, and that has happened, some people have never been taught to meditate or pray, some people have never heard a word from a parent or grandparent, you still have the wiring in your brain to awaken.

Lewis Howes 7:46 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:47 So shall we do a practice?

Lewis Howes 7:48 Sure.

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:49 Okay. This is a practice which is in the language of life, and it maps on quite specifically to the awakened brain. It is my favorite practice-

Lewis Howes 7:58 Okay

Dr. Lisa Miller 7:59 ... because it engages loved, held, guided, and never alone.

Lewis Howes 8:04 Hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 8:04 Is that okay?

Lewis Howes 8:05 Okay.

Dr. Lisa Miller 8:06 Okay. Good. This is a practice I like to thank my teacher from the late Dr. Gary Weaver.

Lewis Howes 8:13 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 8:14 Okay.

Lewis Howes 8:14 Okay.

Dr. Lisa Miller 8:14 I invite you to take five breaths, clear out your inner space. I invite you to set before you a table. This is your table. And to your table you may invite anyone living-

Lewis Howes 8:29 Hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 8:29 ... or deceased who truly has your best interest in mind. Anyone living or deceased who truly has your best interest in mind. And now you may invite your higher self, the part of you that is so much more than anything you may have or not have, anything you may have done or not done, your true eternal higher self, and ask you if you love you. And now finally, you may invite your higher power, whatever your word, however you know your higher power, and ask if they love you. And now with all of these people sitting here right now, what do they need to share? What do you need to know? What do they need to tell you now? When you're ready, I invite you back.

Lewis Howes 9:37 I love how... I remember this exercise. Yeah. It's powerful. It's like entering another world. [laughs] It's very powerful.

Dr. Lisa Miller 9:47 Were you moved by who came?

Lewis Howes 9:49 Yeah. It was my parents and one of my... My father passed away, so my... He was there, my grandparents, and my grandparents that I never met, who are, you know, only wanted to see their kids and their grandkids do well in life. God and my higher power, my highest version of me, I guess. And there was two things that I was just feeling that they were saying and that I was saying to myself, which is... There's two words. One was forgiveness of everything from the past, which I feel like I've already done that, so I think it's just a c- a consistent way of being to-

Dr. Lisa Miller 10:28 Hmm

Lewis Howes 10:28 ... like live in forgiveness-

Dr. Lisa Miller 10:29 Hmm

Lewis Howes 10:29 ... of everything I've done or other people have done-

Dr. Lisa Miller 10:32 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 10:32 ... and be at peace of the past.

Dr. Lisa Miller 10:36 Hmm.

Lewis Howes 10:36 Right? Not be naive, but forgive-

Dr. Lisa Miller 10:40 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 10:40 ... and, and continue to forgive. I think life is a journey of probably forgiving.

Dr. Lisa Miller 10:44 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 10:45 And the second word was love. It's-

Dr. Lisa Miller 10:47 Hmm

Lewis Howes 10:47 ... continue to do everything from, from a loving space.

Dr. Lisa Miller 10:51 Hmm.

Lewis Howes 10:52 And so those were the two words. But it just felt very powerful 'cause I felt like this pulsating... And it was almost like it's your council of higher, you know, awareness kind of pulsating together and connecting to your brain, I guess-

Dr. Lisa Miller 11:05 Hmm

Lewis Howes 11:05 ... and to your heart when you breathe and you think in that way and you see these people in your table, you know. So it's having this higher council guide you is a very powerful exercise. And I can only imagine if people did that on a consistent basis w- how it would bring them back into presence to be able to perceive and feel what they need to feel and act and be in a certain way of being.

Dr. Lisa Miller 11:35 And to have an onl-

Lewis Howes 11:36 Yeah

Dr. Lisa Miller 11:36 ... going dialogue-

Lewis Howes 11:37 Yeah, of course

Dr. Lisa Miller 11:38 ... with your council.

Lewis Howes 11:39 Right. Yeah. It's very powerful.

Dr. Lisa Miller 11:39 With your ancestors-

Lewis Howes 11:41 Uh-huh

Dr. Lisa Miller 11:41 ... with your higher power. Everybody's always there.

Lewis Howes 11:43 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 11:44 They're right

Dr. Lisa Miller 11:45 there.

Lewis Howes 11:45 Mm-hmm. It's a very peaceful feeling, you know.

Dr. Lisa Miller 11:49 Did you feel great love?

Lewis Howes 11:50 Of course. Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 11:51 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 11:51 I still feel it. Yeah. It's very peaceful. Just relaxing and it's like a journey. You know, you're going on this journey, even if it's for a few moments. So that's a beautiful exercise. Have you studied under MRI when people do that exercise or other types of exercises like that where they're-

Dr. Lisa Miller 12:09 Yes

Lewis Howes 12:09 ... connecting to a spiritual presence of conversation back and forth from- ... beings that are not physically present?

Dr. Lisa Miller 12:19 Yes.

Lewis Howes 12:20 And what is it [laughs] what does the MRI or the studies show?

Dr. Lisa Miller 12:23 The MRI shows that no matter what tradition we may be from, Hindu, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, or spiritual and not religious, the same neural correlates run as we are in conversation with our ancestors-

Lewis Howes 12:39 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 12:39 ... or our higher power. We're in a true, authentic, transcendent relationship. We are literally both speaking to God and hearing a response.

Lewis Howes 12:51 Interesting. And what happens in the brain when we're in a transcendent experience?

Dr. Lisa Miller 12:57 That is the engagement of our awakened brain.

Lewis Howes 13:00 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 13:01 That is when we see that deep love-

Lewis Howes 13:04 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 13:04 ... is the love we detect through the bonding network. The direction, which could also be an affirmation in this case, "Your ancestors are proud of you, Lewis."

Lewis Howes 13:15 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 13:16 That is through the attention network that that's perceived.

Lewis Howes 13:19 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 13:20 And then the notion that you walked away knowing they're always there-

Lewis Howes 13:23 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 13:24 ... is the parietal letting us feel their constant presence.

Lewis Howes 13:27 Yeah, and if you do the exercise, you can always go back to seeing them or being with them.

Dr. Lisa Miller 13:32 Yes.

Lewis Howes 13:34 You know?

Dr. Lisa Miller 13:34 Yes.

Lewis Howes 13:35 Which is pow- which is kinda comforting. If you ever feel alone in your life, that exercise, I didn't feel alone. You know, even though we're here, but I felt like I was in a different world within my mind, and it brought a level of peace. You know? And it brought a level of comfort. It, it brought a bonding, I guess. These networks, it's like I was c- cultivating these networks that you talked about. And experiencing-

Dr. Lisa Miller 13:59 We are never alone. We are never alone.

Lewis Howes 14:00 Exactly. Exactly. Why do so many people

Lewis Howes 14:03 feel like they're alone?

Dr. Lisa Miller 14:04 We have the greatest mental health crisis that we've ever had in the past 100 years. We have higher rates of depression, higher rates of addiction, higher rates of suicide, higher rates of anxiety. But in fact, there's really only one ailment, which is an ailment of perception.

Lewis Howes 14:24 Really?

Dr. Lisa Miller 14:25 We perceive that we are alone. We perceive-

Lewis Howes 14:28 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 14:28 ... great separateness, great isolation. That is an atrophy of the awakened brain. The number one illness of our time is an illness of perception.

Lewis Howes 14:40 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 14:40 And it is our ability right here, right now to flip the switch and engage our awakened brain.

Lewis Howes 14:47 Mm. It's so true, 'cause when I think about the times when I was in my younger years, teen years, maybe even in my 20s, when I had more of a... I kind of lived two different lives, 'cause in some moments I was very joyful and loving and positive. In other moments I was like, "Everyone hates me and I'm alone and I'm a loser." I kind of had, like, these two different worlds I'd go back and forth on, and it was based on, um, how I would perceive experiences, moments, people saying things, people not saying things, uh, results I would get or wouldn't get. It was based on my perception of what was actually happening around me. And when that perception started to shift over time and I learned to cultivate it by not taking things personally, by not looking at everything as I'm bad and wrong, uh, or by looking at, you know, okay, I didn't... I, I failed at this thing, it doesn't make me a failure, and, and reimagining what that actually is for me, it's actually a good thing. It's l- I'm learning, I'm developing. It's... When I learned to perceive differently-

Dr. Lisa Miller 15:51 Mm

Lewis Howes 15:51 ... I learned to just feel better in general, right? As opposed to go back into this dic- disconnected mindset.

Dr. Lisa Miller 16:01 Disconnected, splintered-

Lewis Howes 16:03 Uh-huh

Dr. Lisa Miller 16:03 ... lonely.

Lewis Howes 16:04 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 16:05 And actually, you know, as you say with such wisdom, that is an illusion of perception.

Lewis Howes 16:10 Mm. Interesting.

Dr. Lisa Miller 16:12 I can sit in a room with 400 people, and 390 of them feel totally alone. But Lewis, there's 400 people in the room [laughs] . It's a choice to perceive the presence of others as being-

Lewis Howes 16:24 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 16:24 ... in sisterhood and brotherhood with us.

Lewis Howes 16:26 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 16:26 It's a choice to perceive communion.

Lewis Howes 16:29 Man's Search for Meaning I think is such a great example of that, where it's, it's how you create the meaning from a situation that determines whether you're gonna have a, a good experience or a bad experience, or continue to live after that experience in pain and suffering

Lewis Howes 16:43 or more peace around it.

Dr. Lisa Miller 16:44 Well, you know, it's very interesting, Lewis. Science shows us that pain and suffering actually is a knock at the door to awakening.

Lewis Howes 16:52 Really?

Dr. Lisa Miller 16:53 That the brain is literally primed in times of pain and suffering to potentiate it. The brain is potentiated to widen the lens, let in more light-

Lewis Howes 17:04 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 17:05 ... and start to feel closer to God, closer to the Creator. So suffering is... In our brain, suffering can be an accelerant, a precondition for an awakening.

Lewis Howes 17:18 But most people don't wanna suffer, so they think, "Oh, is that the only way to stay connected to God or my Creator-

Dr. Lisa Miller 17:23 Well, suff-

Lewis Howes 17:23 ... is to, like, pain and suffering all day?" It's like, no one wants that.

Dr. Lisa Miller 17:26 Well, it's not the only way.

Lewis Howes 17:28 Okay [laughs] .

Dr. Lisa Miller 17:28 Yeah. Certainly it's not the only way, but it's very helpful to know that if we're stuck, if we feel kind of blah, you know, just that low-grade blah-

Lewis Howes 17:37 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 17:37 ... like I don't quite have the life I want, I don't quite feel right within myself, the off-ness.

Lewis Howes 17:42 Uh-huh.

Dr. Lisa Miller 17:43 That is actually an invitation to try to pray.

Lewis Howes 17:48 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 17:49 Try to meditate. Try to open up your heart to the Creator.

Lewis Howes 17:54 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 17:54 And we're actually better at it if we get a little push.

Lewis Howes 17:58 The more pain you go through, it's reminding you you're out of alignment usually.

Dr. Lisa Miller 18:02 Yes.

Lewis Howes 18:02 It's like, "I'm suffering, I'm pain. Why do all these things keep happening to me? Why do all... Why is everything a challenge and so hard? Why am I not making money? Why does everyone break up with me? Why does some- everyone say no?" It probably means you're disconnected to yourself. You're out of alignment. You're out of boundary. Something is off. So this pain is gonna keep- It's showing you something is out of alignment within yourself most likely. And when you can hopefully now get closer to what that is and connect to yourself, hopefully you'll, you'll find ways to release the pain.

Dr. Lisa Miller 18:38 And there's no better way to draw into alignment than to be an open system

Dr. Lisa Miller 18:43 and allow the force of life-

Lewis Howes 18:44 That's true

Dr. Lisa Miller 18:44 ... to align you.

Lewis Howes 18:45 That's true.

Dr. Lisa Miller 18:45 Very often in the 20th century, the brain was thought of as a factory that makes thoughts, and if we're out of alignment, how can I think my way out of this?

Lewis Howes 18:54 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 18:55 In the 21st century, the brain, Lewis, is thought of as an antenna that receives consciousness, a conduit. If I feel out of alignment, I can raise the antenna and what, God, do you ask of me now?

Lewis Howes 19:12 Hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 19:12 Hand it over. We are built to hand it over every day of our lives. We are built, Lewis, as an open system to be in a sustained relationship with the Creator.

Lewis Howes 19:22 Hmm. Yeah, and so if your, if your brain is like an antenna-

Dr. Lisa Miller 19:26 Yes

Lewis Howes 19:26 ... and you're constantly covering your antenna with things that don't let you to have a clear signal to God or to access to information or being resourceful or perceiving the world in a specific way, you're always gonna feel disconnected because you're covering your antenna. That's what I'm hearing you say.

Dr. Lisa Miller 19:48 And yet every one of us in the next 20 seconds can raise the antenna-

Lewis Howes 19:54 Uh-huh

Dr. Lisa Miller 19:54 ... and open our heart, open our soul, and say, "I'm here. I love you, God. I love you, Creator," whatever your word is. Be present to receive, because the awakened brain through the lens of science is a receptive form of perception.

Lewis Howes 20:11 Hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 20:12 The circuits in our brain are built to receive the presence of God.

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Lewis Howes 21:39 scarcity or spirituality?

Dr. Lisa Miller 21:41 Spirituality.

Lewis Howes 21:42 Then why are so many people living in scarcity?

Dr. Lisa Miller 21:45 Right. It is an ailment of perception.

Lewis Howes 21:47 [laughs]

Dr. Lisa Miller 21:47 Exactly. We have tremendous abundance.

Lewis Howes 21:50 Uh-huh.

Dr. Lisa Miller 21:50 We have abundance. In any given moment, we have a decision to make. We have two choices. We can make an achieving decision.

Lewis Howes 21:59 Uh-huh.

Dr. Lisa Miller 21:59 Okay, I'm sitting next to this new person at a dinner party. What can they do for me? Let me size them up. Are they bigger or smaller than me? That is called an achieving relationship. I'm measuring them up as if we're about to be-

Lewis Howes 22:14 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 22:14 ... competitors in a race-

Lewis Howes 22:15 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 22:15 ... right? But at that same dinner party by the same person in that same moment, I can make an awakened decision. I can realize that, wait a minute, this person sitting next to me, here's another soul on Earth. Of all people in all space and time right now, God has put me next to this person, and so I can ask a very simple question: Tell me about you. I'd love to get to know you.

Lewis Howes 22:41 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 22:42 Can you tell me about the funniest day of your life?

Lewis Howes 22:44 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 22:45 Can you tell me about the most beautiful moment? So Lewis, I was at a dinner party the other night, and I couldn't listen one more peep about who'd accomplished what and-

Lewis Howes 22:53 [laughs]

Dr. Lisa Miller 22:54 ... who paid what rent.

Lewis Howes 22:55 Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 22:55 I didn't want to hear it. So I said, "Can you tell me about the most beautiful day of your life?" And what came forward-

Lewis Howes 23:03 Hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 23:03 ... from that dinner party I'll remember forever. One man talked about being in... after years and years of feeling disenfranchised, returning to his childhood house of worship. One woman talked about seeing light on the water as she was sailing. The- these-

Lewis Howes 23:18 Wow

Dr. Lisa Miller 23:18 ... were beautiful moments, and I walked away feeling like I'd actually made awakened relationships. Not-

Lewis Howes 23:25 Versus achieving relationships.

Dr. Lisa Miller 23:27 Versus achieving relationships.

Lewis Howes 23:28 Yeah. Yeah, I think the most... I mean, the best way to do it, I think... [laughs] maybe not the best way, but is when you go in to an event knowing that everyone's always thinking of, like, these strategies-

Dr. Lisa Miller 23:41 Yeah

Lewis Howes 23:41 ... for building relationships to get something. And if your just constant way of being is, "I'm just here to ask questions about others and learn about them," you're going to gain more than you've ever gained by trying to go in there and accomplish or strategize. If you just go in and ask people questions and listen, you're gonna be the most interesting person in that room. Just by asking questions and being present, they'll be like, "Wow, I really like that person. What can I do to help you?" They're just gonna want to naturally help you because most people don't do that.

Dr. Lisa Miller 24:09 Because you care about them.

Lewis Howes 24:10 Exactly. Exactly. That's powerful. I love the idea of awakening relationships versus achieving relationships.

Dr. Lisa Miller 24:18 We have a radically transactional culture.

Lewis Howes 24:21 Uh-huh.

Dr. Lisa Miller 24:21 When we silenced spiritual and religious life in the public square about 40 years ago-

Lewis Howes 24:26 Hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 24:26 ... we don't talk about this here. People became all about business all the time. Now we're at a turning point, and the hunger of the heart is so great right now-

Lewis Howes 24:35 Yeah

Dr. Lisa Miller 24:36 ... for true love, real relationships, to move out of narrow, monotonous-

Lewis Howes 24:41 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 24:42 ... achieving relationships-

Lewis Howes 24:43 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 24:43 ... and start to bring in awakened relationships.

Lewis Howes 24:45 Yeah, more depth, you know, beyond just results. And, you know, there's a quote from your book, The Spiritual Child, that says, on page 28, it says, "Spirituality is a vast untapped resource in our understanding of human development, illness, health, and healing. Specifically, research in medicine and psychology has found that people with a developed spirituality get less sick, are happier, and feel

Lewis Howes 25:11 more connected and less isolated." And your data shows that a robust spiritual life is the single most protective factor against adolescent depression and substance abuse. I'm curious, why is spirituality more effective than other forms of therapy or support?

Dr. Lisa Miller 25:31 The adolescent is in a search for meaning.

Lewis Howes 25:35 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 25:35 Not because they choose to be, not because it's a cultural norm. It is hardwired. Because spirituality is innate, it has a developmental path. In adolescence, with literal biological puberty, the adolescent goes through a surge. A biological clock goes off for every teen. "What is my purpose? What is my meaning?" And I don't mean, is it gonna be, you know, law-

Lewis Howes 26:01 Yeah

Dr. Lisa Miller 26:01 ... or business.

Lewis Howes 26:02 Doctor or this, yeah, yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 26:03 "What is my purpose as a soul on Earth?"

Lewis Howes 26:06 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 26:07 And I don't mean, what meaning do I wanna make of this world, lie on, lie upon the world. What is the meaning written into life, the golden thread through life? The teen is exquisitely good at seeking.

Lewis Howes 26:20 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 26:20 We're built for it, but it doesn't come easy because with this expansion, hardwired expansion in our spiritual capacity, the teen can feel a half-empty glass of spirituality.

Lewis Howes 26:35 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 26:36 Existential struggle, meaninglessness, exquisite rage at phoniness-

Lewis Howes 26:43 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 26:43 ... when things aren't true.

Lewis Howes 26:45 Kinda what's the point of all this? Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 26:46 What's the point?

Lewis Howes 26:47 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 26:48 And yet this is a gift. Even though it hurts and it's hard, and it's very easy to get distracted as a teen, start using drugs, drink a lot, harm yourself. But actually, this struggle, this existential yearning, angst of the teen propels the teen to search, to search for God, to search for their higher power, and even their brain is sensitized to discover, to raise the antenna.

Lewis Howes 27:18 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 27:19 The teen is sensitized to raise the antenna and start to receive the signals from God.

Lewis Howes 27:25 How hard is it for an adolescent or a young adult to raise their antenna to connect to God and be more spiritual when they're on drugs, when they're smoking or vaping or drinking or mindlessly on their phone for 15 hours a day, when they're not sleeping well? How hard is it for them to connect to spirituality and God?

Dr. Lisa Miller 27:48 Right. This is not a solo act. Every teen needs the sangha, the mingyan, the journey group, the fellowship. You need your people who engage in authentic spiritual practice.

Lewis Howes 28:01 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 28:02 If you have a teen who's drinking, who's self-harming, yes, of course, they need therapy. But therapy alone is not enough. There needs to be a group, a youth group, a sangha, a group around the teen of people who feel God's presence-

Lewis Howes 28:18 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 28:18 ... and talk about it. Every teen needs their spiritual people.

Lewis Howes 28:23 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 28:24 Their spiritual buddies.

Lewis Howes 28:25 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 28:26 And they may be in school, they may be out of school.

Lewis Howes 28:28 Wow. I mean, you've been a professor and a researcher at Columbia for over 25 years. Uh, and you also have, you know, kids who went through teen years. What was that like for you when your kids were teens? You know, with you as the expert, the researcher, the spiritual leader of the family in certain ways of hopefully guiding them, did they struggle just like every other teen? Did they go down the, a dark side for a while? Did they have these practices?

Lewis Howes 29:00 How did they navigate this?

Dr. Lisa Miller 29:02 So spiritual individuation, the me and not me of what's real.

Lewis Howes 29:07 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 29:08 Is God real? Does prayer speak to me? What's good and evil? What's the purpose, spiritual purpose of my life? That can only be done by the teen themselves.

Lewis Howes 29:20 Really? Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 29:21 No matter-

Lewis Howes 29:21 Yeah

Dr. Lisa Miller 29:21 ... h- we can support them.

Lewis Howes 29:23 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 29:24 But it is built into our hardwired brain.

Lewis Howes 29:28 Gosh.

Dr. Lisa Miller 29:28 That spiritual individuation is a road we all must walk ourselves.

Lewis Howes 29:32 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 29:33 Now, to have a youth group, to have a family around you, to have a group with whom you share the spiritual reality, put it in words, pray together, know that our relationship goes to that depth, this gives the two-thirds nourishment onto the one-third-

Lewis Howes 29:51 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 29:52 ... innate awakened brain.

Lewis Howes 29:53 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 29:54 It is not enough to be born spiritual. We need to cultivate our spiritual awareness. And when, as a parent, we walk the walk and talk the walk, when we say, you know, "You know, today mommy was really out of sorts. I'm so sorry I was grumpy. I'm so sorry I was short with you. I apologize. But also now that I've apologized to you, will you join me in a prayer? Because today was a gift-

Lewis Howes 30:19 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 30:19 ... and I feel I kind of squandered it." And the prayer might be whatever your words are. In our home, you know, "Loving God, please forgive me and renew my heart-

Lewis Howes 30:28 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 30:28 ... that I might be present to your great love."

Lewis Howes 30:30 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 30:31 And we might be present as a family to your love.

Lewis Howes 30:33 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 30:34 So then you're back off to the races. Anything can be fixed.

Lewis Howes 30:37 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 30:38 And when, as parents, we show our kids there's a spiritual response to a misstep, a spiritual response to suffering, what they really learn is that they can fix their lives spiritually.

Lewis Howes 30:47 Mm. That's beautiful, because it's hard to fix your life physically. You know, it's hard to fix it through physical means in terms of I'm going to smoke, drink, you know, do physical harm to myself to feel like that's going to make me feel better. You know, the physical numbing, I guess, of life is what I mean.

Dr. Lisa Miller 31:07 You know, through the lens of science, um, adolescents are exquisitely sensitive to both spiritual hunger, but also to pain.

Lewis Howes 31:19 Why is that?

Dr. Lisa Miller 31:19 We're an open system.

Lewis Howes 31:21 Oh.

Dr. Lisa Miller 31:21 We're porous. We're wide open, and right at the time where we're strengthening and tooling up spiritually, we're at greatest risk to turn the wrong direction and make the pain go away.

Lewis Howes 31:32 Really?

Dr. Lisa Miller 31:33 And in fact, the protective benefits of spirituality against addiction are greatest in adolescents. All our lives, spirituality can help prevent drinking and drugs, but in adolescents, it is twice as protective-

Lewis Howes 31:47 Wow

Dr. Lisa Miller 31:47 ... to have a strong spiritual life.

Lewis Howes 31:50 And is there any data around kids who don't have a strong spiritual life, if they get into more drugs or have children younger or, I don't know, go through abuse or anything like that? Do you have any data on that?

Dr. Lisa Miller 32:04 For a teen, a strong spiritual life is 80% protective against onset of addiction.

Lewis Howes 32:11 Really?

Dr. Lisa Miller 32:12 Adolescence being the trailhead of a lifetime course of struggle with addiction, a strong spiritual life is 70% protective against risk-taking, driving too fast, jumping out the window at a party. A strong spiritual life to the epidemic of our times, when spiritual life is shared by teens, it is 82% protective against completed suicide.

Lewis Howes 32:40 Really?

Dr. Lisa Miller 32:41 The number one killer of teens is now suicide. It has surpassed auto accident. So Lewis, if I said, "Here's a little pill, and you can give this to your teen, and it will protect them four-fifths against the greatest cause of death in teens," who wouldn't give that to their child?

Lewis Howes 32:57 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 32:58 And yet, to realize our natural spirituality is how we're built.

Lewis Howes 33:02 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 33:02 Every parent has two jobs. One is to love your child, and the second is to build their spiritual core.

Lewis Howes 33:08 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 33:09 And everything else will fall into place.

Lewis Howes 33:11 So when did suicide become the number one killer of teens?

Dr. Lisa Miller 33:14 Yes.

Lewis Howes 33:14 When did this happen?

Dr. Lisa Miller 33:15 So over the past 20 years, there's been a sharp decline in family faith observance, family spiritual life, and with that sharp decline in family spiritual life has been an equally sharp increase in the diseases of despair.

Lewis Howes 33:34 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 33:34 Addiction, depression, and even suicide. The two statistically, Lewis, go hand in hand.

Lewis Howes 33:43 As spirituality has gone down as a shared family unit-

Dr. Lisa Miller 33:47 Yes

Lewis Howes 33:47 ... harm, pain, suffering, addiction, suicide has gone up.

Dr. Lisa Miller 33:51 Yes.

Lewis Howes 33:51 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 33:52 And as important as it is that each and every one of us cultivate our spiritual core, it is even more important as a parent to pass the torch to your child.

Lewis Howes 34:02 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 34:02 The protective benefits are even greater if it is from your parent that your... or grandparent-

Lewis Howes 34:08 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 34:08 ... that your spiritual life is built. So for instance, if a child inherits from their parent a deep spiritual practice through which they form an authentic, dynamic relationship with God, that child is 80% protected-

Lewis Howes 34:24 Wow

Dr. Lisa Miller 34:24 ... against major depression going through the sensitive window of risk-

Lewis Howes 34:29 Hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 34:29 ... which is mid to late adolescence. Now, Lewis, if that torch is passed two generations, from grandparent to parent to child, that child is protected 90%-

Lewis Howes 34:40 Wow

Dr. Lisa Miller 34:40 ... against major depression going through the window of risk, which means that the carrier matters. You as a parent are an ambassador of spiritual life for your child. We're designed that way.

Lewis Howes 34:52 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 34:53 You and the child.

Lewis Howes 34:54 Yes. Why does it seem like so many parents shy away from bringing spirituality, faith, prayer to their children?

Dr. Lisa Miller 35:03 Lewis, I've spoken with many parents, and the story I hear most often is, "I'm just not sure what I believe. I don't wanna tell them the wrong thing." A caring parent says, "I don't wanna do this wrong. We'll let them choose when they're older." Now, as well-intentioned as that may be, science says waiting is to foreclose.

Lewis Howes 35:23 Hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 35:23 Do not wait. Do not wait. The child is primed to grow spiritually through the relationship with the parent. We don't need to be great experts-

Lewis Howes 35:32 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 35:33 ... to show up to the spiritual life of the child. I don't need to know a thing-

Lewis Howes 35:37 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 35:37 ... about any religion or any great theology to listen to the spiritual voice of my child and let them know it's real.

Lewis Howes 35:47 Hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 35:48 That's all we need to do.

Lewis Howes 35:50 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 35:50 So many children will have a mystical experience. They'll say, "You know, I saw Grandma, even though Grandma's in heaven. Grandma came to see me."

Lewis Howes 35:59 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 36:00 We don't need to be an expert. We can honor that great gift. "Wow, Grandma must really love you."

Lewis Howes 36:09 That's cool.

Dr. Lisa Miller 36:09 What does that say to the child? Mystical experiences are real.

Lewis Howes 36:13 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 36:13 You can trust yourself as a knower. You are authorized as a spiritual knower. Our relationship is sanctified. It goes to that depth.

Lewis Howes 36:22 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 36:23 And in fact, you in your whole life are on a spiritual path.

Lewis Howes 36:28 If someone grows up in a family that has prayer, spirituality- ... potentially church, but then they see their parents do something that goes against it.

Dr. Lisa Miller 36:38 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 36:39 The one teaching or leading them kind of breaks against what they've been teaching, or there's a divorce or there's an affair or there's physical abuse or there was screaming or they didn't feel safe as a child growing up, but they were trying to incorporate spirituality, prayer, lessons, church. Or maybe they experienced something poor with the religious leader of the church that they witnessed, that there wasn't a, a good thing or something. Does that hurt more the child-

Dr. Lisa Miller 37:10 Mm

Lewis Howes 37:10 ... when they see an adult-

Dr. Lisa Miller 37:12 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 37:13 ... leading through spirituality, but making not minor mistakes, but big mistakes? How does that affect the brain

Lewis Howes 37:20 of a child-

Dr. Lisa Miller 37:21 Right

Lewis Howes 37:21 ... throughout their life?

Dr. Lisa Miller 37:23 The child is watching us exquisitely, so very closely. Do we walk the walk-

Lewis Howes 37:29 Uh-huh

Dr. Lisa Miller 37:30 ... that we talk?

Lewis Howes 37:32 Right.

Dr. Lisa Miller 37:33 So as a parent, as a clergy person, as a teacher or coach, we are torchbearers. We don't make the fire. The fire is divine.

Lewis Howes 37:40 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 37:40 We carry it. Every significant adult is a spiritual torchbearer to a child. The child's looking very closely. Are you walking in step with your teachings? Now, when we are a little bit foibled, we can apologize and pray and fix it. That's being human, and it teaches the child a spiritual response to the human struggle.

Lewis Howes 38:04 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 38:05 If we are more egregiously foibled or harmful, the child has a tendency to look at the torchbearer and say, "You're a hypocrite."

Lewis Howes 38:15 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 38:16 "You're a phony. The flame is false."

Lewis Howes 38:20 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 38:20 That is called spiritual injury-

Lewis Howes 38:23 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 38:23 ... when the ambassador, the torchbearer, does not walk the walk.

Lewis Howes 38:27 Okay.

Dr. Lisa Miller 38:28 Spiritual injury is excruciating.

Lewis Howes 38:31 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 38:32 It is profoundly painful. What does it sound like? "I don't know if God is real. Everything you ever told me, Mom, Dad, Pastor, Priest, Imam, coach, teacher-

Lewis Howes 38:43 "Is a lie"

Dr. Lisa Miller 38:44 ... if you're phony-

Lewis Howes 38:45 Yeah

Dr. Lisa Miller 38:45 ... then the f- flame is phony."

Lewis Howes 38:47 Then God is phony or this is phony or I don't believe any of it. Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 38:51 That's spiritual injury. Spiritual injury is very painful because the child is left in a very chilly, cold, damp place of-

Lewis Howes 39:00 You feel alone

Dr. Lisa Miller 39:01 ... existential emptiness.

Lewis Howes 39:02 Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 39:04 And yet, Lewis, the good news is spiritual injury can be healed.

Lewis Howes 39:08 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 39:08 There's a way back from spiritual injury. The child can meet a good torchbearer who does walk the walk.

Lewis Howes 39:15 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 39:15 And again, that could be a coach, a parent or grandparent. It could be a pastor, priest, imam, rabbi, a youth leader. And by watching closely a good torchbearer, they see another way of relating to the flame.

Lewis Howes 39:30 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 39:31 The second way that spiritual injury can be healed is to bring God's presence into that very memory together.

Lewis Howes 39:39 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 39:40 Right? And ask God for guidance through that memory, through that moment. That's called post-traumatic spiritual growth.

Lewis Howes 39:49 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 39:49 "Suddenly I felt God would forgive us. Then I knew I was not to blame." The wiser truth that speaks to the inner heart, post-traumatic spiritual growth. And then the third way is to invite the child into a direct connection, their own direct connection to God. The visualization we shared-

Lewis Howes 40:11 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 40:11 ... at the council table I have done with homeless children who were abused and thrown out of the house.

Lewis Howes 40:17 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 40:17 Every homeless child sleeping under the Brooklyn Bridge was able, through the council practice, to go back to God.

Lewis Howes 40:24 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 40:25 No one had an empty table. There was always someone there, a grandmother-

Lewis Howes 40:28 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 40:28 ... an uncle, a coach. They could see God. For some, it was Jesus or Mary. For some, it was a great white light. No matter what we've been through, we are built to receive God's presence in our brain.

Lewis Howes 40:42 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 40:43 [lips smack] There was one time where a fellow said, "You know, no one showed up in the first chair, those who truly have my best interest in mind." So he waited with his eyes closed. And he said, "Ah, there she is. I know her." We said, "Who is she?" He said, "It's my future wife."

Lewis Howes 41:03 Wow. That's crazy.

Dr. Lisa Miller 41:07 Because our awakened awareness has information that has

Dr. Lisa Miller 41:12 yet to unfold before us.

Lewis Howes 41:14 It's so interesting you say that because probably... I have to find this because it was probably the f- first or second year of the podcast 10, 11 years ago, where I did a meditation with a, a friend of mine who's a coach, his name is Chris Lee, where he had me visualize my future wife, and it was at a time when I was single and, and I dated two other people actually after that that were not my wife. But the person that I envisioned 10, 11, 12 years ago, whenever this was, is Martha, my current wife. Now, I just had to go through some other lessons to get there, but it was like I called her from the future, and it was really more like I needed to continue to become a certain way of being in order to be in alignment with her and her in alignment with me. So I was still going through my process and... But doing this practice, I was hopeful that I was coming in, like, six months, but it took a decade. But if I look back on that, having that ex- that moment, that exercise, that meditation, that prayer of visualizing it and having a spiritual day. He made me walk through, what does this day look like with this person, and who is this person? Like, really visualizing it. I felt like it like inf- uh, implanted in my spiritual personality. It was like, "Okay, this is who I need to become eventually." I just wasn't ready to be that person yet.

Dr. Lisa Miller 42:46 But such loving, sacred guidance-

Lewis Howes 42:48 Yes

Dr. Lisa Miller 42:49 ... is available to us.

Lewis Howes 42:50 It is.

Dr. Lisa Miller 42:50 You chose to raise the antenna-

Lewis Howes 42:52 Oh, yes

Dr. Lisa Miller 42:52 ... and receive-

Lewis Howes 42:53 Yes

Dr. Lisa Miller 42:54 ... loving, sacred guidance.

Lewis Howes 42:55 100%.

Dr. Lisa Miller 42:57 And then you knew her when you saw her.

Lewis Howes 42:58 Yes. I was, I was kind of frustrated 'cause I didn't wanna... I was like, "Oh, shoot." Right away I was like, "Dang it, this is, this is different." [laughs] I knew it, but I was like, "Oh, my ego wants to not have this be ready yet." But I was like, my... I feel like God was protecting me. God put her in my life to protect me, literally, from my ego.

Dr. Lisa Miller 43:20 Wow.

Lewis Howes 43:21 And, and so part of me was like-

Dr. Lisa Miller 43:24 Wow

Lewis Howes 43:24 ... resistant for a moment, but I was like, "I just need to surrender." I was like, "This is what God wants for me."

Dr. Lisa Miller 43:30 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 43:30 And it's been a beautiful journey, so.

Dr. Lisa Miller 43:33 The surrender.

Lewis Howes 43:34 The surrender.

Dr. Lisa Miller 43:36 What, God, are you showing me now?

Lewis Howes 43:37 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 43:37 What, God, do you ask of me now?

Lewis Howes 43:39 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 43:39 See, that's the dialogue.

Lewis Howes 43:40 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 43:41 That is how the awakened brain is built-

Lewis Howes 43:43 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 43:43 ... to be an open system in dialogue with God.

Lewis Howes 43:47 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 43:47 So this is not send out and you get what you ordered. This is listening.

Lewis Howes 43:51 And the cha- the... I mean, it was so undeniable because... And I think a lot of people say that when they get into a relationship, "Oh, we have so many things in common." But there was so m- I would ask God this, maybe not daily, but consistently throughout the first three months of getting to know Martha, and I was just like, "Show me a sign, a synchronicity that is so undeniable that I wouldn't believe it, that we're meant to continue this journey. I don't know if we're gonna be together forever or if we're gonna get married, but just that I need to continue down this dating journey with her." And it was just, like, stuff that I couldn't even believe was happening, the synchronicities, and they were there from the very first moment.

Dr. Lisa Miller 44:34 That God laid on your path.

Lewis Howes 44:35 It was like God was, like, screaming at me with such clarity, and it was like, if this is not a sign from me, uh, that you can't see... And I'm, you know, stubborn, so I needed a lot of them. But it was, like, months, and God just kept showing me these beautiful, m- like, mystical synchronicities.

Dr. Lisa Miller 44:58 Oh, wow.

Lewis Howes 44:58 I was just like, "This is unbelievable."

Dr. Lisa Miller 44:59 Do you remember one?

Lewis Howes 45:00 The first one was very clear. Within the first five minutes of meeting her, probably two minutes of meeting her. I picked her up to go to dinner. I was in Mexico and she was in Mexico, and we met up, and I, I got my buddy's Jeep. I didn't have a car, so I just took his Jeep, and I put my phone... When I picked her up, we said hi, opened the door, she got in the car, and my phone was sitting in the middle console, like, the middle area of the Jeep. And then I came around and got in there, and right away, like, the screensaver was on and the light was on. It was at night. And so you could see kind of my phone screensaver, and it was a photo of a young boy, and she looked down at it and kinda looked at me. I go, "Oh, don't worry. I don't have a kid." It looked like a, you know, like my son.

Dr. Lisa Miller 45:50 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 45:50 I go, "Ah, don't worry. I don't have a kid." She goes, "I know what that is. You're healing the inner child." And I was just like, "Oh, geez." And she goes, "Look at my phone." And she had a photo of herself. I get chills thinking about it. She had a photo of herself. She was like, "I've been on this journey for a while. It's a beautiful journey, isn't it?" And I was just like, "Holy cow." I get chills thinking about it. 'Cause then just right away the relationship is about depth-

Dr. Lisa Miller 46:11 Yeah

Lewis Howes 46:11 ... curiosity. It's not about trying to prove or achieve.

Dr. Lisa Miller 46:16 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 46:16 It's not about, like, oh, I'm trying to take this girl out to win her over or, you know, look good. It was more like, let's just connect and connect on a spiritual level, and that was a beautiful sign I felt from God. I was like, "Okay, I don't have to explain myself," you know? She understands it. And there was just so many things like that almost every week that were just mind-blowing. So, but I, I needed to... My antenna needed to be cleaned and clear and elevated in order for me to receive these signs and not be scared of them, 'cause I think I would've been scared of them years before.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:01 They're for you.

Lewis Howes 47:02 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:03 Synchronicities are for you.

Lewis Howes 47:04 They are.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:05 Even if some of them are unpleasant.

Lewis Howes 47:08 Oh, yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:08 I mean, those are beautiful synchronicities.

Lewis Howes 47:10 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:10 But-

Lewis Howes 47:10 Some might be big red flag synchronicities.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:12 Yes.

Lewis Howes 47:12 Like, oh, you shouldn't go down this path.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:15 Like a dead bird on my doorstep, right?

Lewis Howes 47:16 Oh, man. Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:17 I mean-

Lewis Howes 47:17 Something like that

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:18 ... and so thank you, God, for the guidance. Even if it's not what I wanna hear, I'm being loved and held.

Lewis Howes 47:25 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:26 I'm being guided. I am not alone.

Lewis Howes 47:28 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:28 We don't need to get our way. See, that's-

Lewis Howes 47:30 Yeah

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:30 ... narrow, relentless achieving awareness.

Lewis Howes 47:32 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:33 If I'd gotten everything I wanted, it would not be my first choice life. I am so much more excited by the dialogue with God-

Lewis Howes 47:41 Yes

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:41 ... by the awakened path that's led me to the life I lead. It's an inspired life.

Lewis Howes 47:45 It is an inspired life.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:46 And you don't know where it's going.

Lewis Howes 47:47 You don't know where it's going.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:48 Oh, so-

Lewis Howes 47:49 You have to trust that-

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:49 ... now you have the girls.

Lewis Howes 47:51 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 47:51 Now you have the girls.

Lewis Howes 47:52 Twin girls. Which I told her when she f- when we first met, um, maybe within, like, six months. She was like, "Do you see yourself having kids?" And I go, "Yes, twin girls."

Dr. Lisa Miller 48:03 Wow.

Lewis Howes 48:03 I swear to you. [laughs]

Dr. Lisa Miller 48:04 Wow.

Lewis Howes 48:04 I swear to you. And she goes, "Wow, really?" And she had, like, twins in her family, like, extended family, and triplets in her family, and I was like, "Yeah, I see us having twin girls." I don't know why I said that, but I was just like... And I was also uncertain. I wasn't not... I wasn't, like, 100%, like, I wanna just be a dad and have kids like earlier in my life. I was afraid of being with the wrong person, having kids, and feeling trapped. That was with a fear. So I wasn't excited about married family life if it meant feeling like a prisoner-

Dr. Lisa Miller 48:36 Mm

Lewis Howes 48:36 ... or caged-

Dr. Lisa Miller 48:37 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 48:38 ... or I couldn't be myself-

Dr. Lisa Miller 48:40 Oh

Lewis Howes 48:40 ... or s- you know, whatever ... going through a divorce like I experienced growing up with my parents. And so it was more of like, I just didn't feel emotionally safe to think that way. But then when I was with her, I was like, "Oh, I feel safe."

Dr. Lisa Miller 48:57 Mm.

Lewis Howes 48:57 "I feel emotionally, spiritually safe." There really is... The, the question was, once I got to a point where I said, "Okay, if I ever died, if something ever happened to me, do I feel emotionally and spiritually safe that this person could raise my kids?"

Dr. Lisa Miller 49:13 Mm.

Lewis Howes 49:13 That they'd be able to figure it out, you know, and be resourceful enough. And that's what I felt with Martha, where I'd never felt that before. So for me it was like, okay, I felt that safety.

Dr. Lisa Miller 49:26 In my path, I think if all of the achieving goals were gone, would there be a four-legged table holding up an awakened life? You know, if, if tomorrow the achieving goals were gone-

Lewis Howes 49:41 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 49:42 ... would there be a depth of soul connection?

Lewis Howes 49:45 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 49:45 An awakened relationship? And Lewis, you're a huge success.

Lewis Howes 49:49 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 49:49 But if you weren't, she'd love you just as much.

Lewis Howes 49:51 I think she would, yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 49:53 Wow.

Lewis Howes 49:53 Well, something she would tell me all the time is she's-

Dr. Lisa Miller 49:54 That's real

Lewis Howes 49:55 ... yeah, she was like, "I'll follow you anywhere." You know?

Dr. Lisa Miller 49:57 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 49:57 She would say that all the time. She still says that.

Dr. Lisa Miller 49:59 Wow.

Lewis Howes 49:59 And you know, when she met me, I was in a... I mean, I was in a nice apartment, but it was a two-bedroom apartment. I didn't, I don't have a lot of stuff, you know? It's not like I didn't need a big house or anything. I've been in a two-bedroom apartment my whole life, essentially, adult life. And, um, yeah, she was just like, "I'll follow you anywhere. If we need to be in a one-bedroom apartment, if we need to be in a big home, if we wanna, if we have to move, wherever it is, I'll follow you anywhere."

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:22 From that first date.

Lewis Howes 50:23 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:23 You shared a depth.

Lewis Howes 50:25 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:25 You shared an awakened relationship.

Lewis Howes 50:27 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:28 Right out of the blocks.

Lewis Howes 50:29 Exactly. Right away.

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:30 Well, then you're never trapped.

Lewis Howes 50:31 I don't feel trapped. No.

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:32 Because there's no transaction.

Lewis Howes 50:34 No. I feel free.

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:36 You're free.

Lewis Howes 50:36 I feel accepted. And it makes me wanna work hard to be able to provide a life that feels safe-

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:42 Yes

Lewis Howes 50:42 ... that feels abundant, that feels joyful, playful, all these different things, adventurous. But, um, yeah, it feels good.

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:50 Bedrock unconditional

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:51 love. It's an awakened partnership.

Lewis Howes 50:53 Yeah. It feels great. It feels great.

Dr. Lisa Miller 50:54 I think of marriage less as a contract, more as a calling.

Lewis Howes 50:57 Mm-hmm. I think I do as well, because my whole vision for the relationship is, how do we serve people at the highest level together? And that might be our children, that might be our community, our families, whatever it may be, but how do we come together to serve one another and our family to then serve others?

Dr. Lisa Miller 51:19 How has being a father changed you?

Lewis Howes 51:23 You know, I feel like once they start talking, maybe I'll start to feel something even different. But it's changed me in the fact that, I mean, to, to wake up and look at, like, two little beautiful souls is such a cool thing. I mean, first off, for me it's a cool thing. Um, it's really gotten me even more in check with my integrity with myself, my thoughts, actions, just even stronger integrity with self because I'm like, gosh, I just, I can't be a hypocrite with these girls. You know, even the littlest things they're gonna find out. You know, it's like we observed our parents, right? We observed them. And I'm just like, I know I'm not gonna be perfect. I know I'm gonna make mistakes, but how can I be present and connected and responsible to lead them to what they're meant to be here for? So for me, I just feel like it's, it's calling me to be an even better version of myself to serve them.

Dr. Lisa Miller 52:28 Has it deepened your spirituality?

Lewis Howes 52:30 100%, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause I'm also... I have to have trust in God that they're gonna wake up. Otherwise you're anxious all night. You know, it's like you're just thinking, "Are they breathing? Are they gonna be okay? Are they gonna wake up?" Like, you have to trust God that they will wake up, that they're gonna be protected. You know, it's like it could be extremely emotionally debilitating, I think, if I didn't have trust that they're gonna be okay.

Dr. Lisa Miller 52:59 So I hope someday you and Marta share your first date story-

Lewis Howes 53:04 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 53:04 ... with the girls.

Lewis Howes 53:05 Oh, we will. They-

Dr. Lisa Miller 53:06 Because it's both a love story-

Lewis Howes 53:08 Yes

Dr. Lisa Miller 53:08 ... and an inspired spiritual-

Lewis Howes 53:11 You know, hopefully they'll get to watch all these videos, you know? It's like I've got almost 2,000 interviews I've done.

Dr. Lisa Miller 53:16 Oh, they'll love it.

Lewis Howes 53:17 And so they can, uh, through a record of just content

Lewis Howes 53:20 of like, oh, what was dad thinking at this time? You know, what was mom thinking at this time? So.

Dr. Lisa Miller 53:24 So would we as parents... Science says it's beautiful. So there's the findings. Science shows us that when we as parents speak out loud about our spiritual truth-

Lewis Howes 53:34 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 53:34 ... that is the most powerful form of shaping the child's own spiritual awareness.

Lewis Howes 53:39 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 53:40 The child's born with the capacity to perceive the spiritual reality.

Lewis Howes 53:44 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 53:44 Every child has implicit spiritual cognition.

Lewis Howes 53:48 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 53:48 Which means, unless socialized out of it, the young child will perceive continuity of spirit or consciousness after death.

Lewis Howes 53:56 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 53:57 Unless socialized out of it, the young child will perceive that we can have direct knowing, inspiration-

Lewis Howes 54:04 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 54:04 ... intuition without being told. It is only because they hear from adults, "Oh no, that's not real," that they come to lower and cover the antenna.

Lewis Howes 54:15 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 54:15 So we don't really teach spirituality. We nurture what's already in the child.

Lewis Howes 54:20 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 54:21 How do we nurture what's in our children? By living and breathing our own spiritual life out loud, full blast, in the car, on the playing field, and in the house of worship.

Lewis Howes 54:32 Mm-hmm. Do you know anyone who is against God, who's an atheist, who doesn't believe in spirituality, um, who lives a peaceful, abundant, joyful life?

Dr. Lisa Miller 54:44 I've seen people who call themselves humanists

Lewis Howes 54:48 What does that mean?

Dr. Lisa Miller 54:49 That they think the ultimate reality is being good to other people.

Lewis Howes 54:53 Uh-huh.

Dr. Lisa Miller 54:55 And some of those folks say that they're not spiritual, but in truth, as you do unto others, you do unto me.

Lewis Howes 55:02 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 55:03 And the same parts of the brain through which we talk to God are the same parts of the brain through which I feel and see God in you.

Lewis Howes 55:10 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 55:11 So really, the humanist and the Orthodox or Evangelical are using the same parts of their brain.

Lewis Howes 55:18 So they're more... They still have a code of morals, and ethics, and values, and service to other humans.

Dr. Lisa Miller 55:23 And just as we're loved, held, and never alone, they show up for others-

Lewis Howes 55:27 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 55:28 ... to be loving, guiding, and never leave anyone alone.

Lewis Howes 55:31 Yeah. So they still live with a similar, I guess, act of kindness, love,

Lewis Howes 55:38 joy, service to others, which brings them that peace and joy.

Dr. Lisa Miller 55:41 It's fascinating, Lewis.

Lewis Howes 55:42 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 55:42 We looked over 10 years of MRI studies at the spiritually engaged brain. The very last study we did was to say what practices of spiritual and religious life most strengthen our awakened brain. And we looked at everything: transcendent practice, moral living, all sorts of things.

Lewis Howes 56:02 Meditation, prayer.

Dr. Lisa Miller 56:03 And it all shapes and matters.

Lewis Howes 56:05 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 56:06 It all matters in shaping the awakened brain. But the number one predictor of a strong awakened brain is altruism.

Lewis Howes 56:13 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 56:14 Love of neighbor. So when we, with our feet, I call it prayer in action, are loving, guiding, and never leave anyone alone, we are literally engaging the same neuro docking station that allows us to feel God's presence.

Lewis Howes 56:28 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 56:29 So Mother Teresa had many years dark night of the soul, uh, towards the end of her life, where it was service and service alone that sustained her soul. Mother Teresa had profound mystical experiences in the first part of her life, and the second part of her life struggled with the darkness, and yet felt sustained but through service, profound altruism.

Lewis Howes 56:50 Really? I didn't know she had that darkness. What was that about? Did she have, like, a disconnect to God, or what was it like?

Dr. Lisa Miller 56:56 So what we know from the records is that she still continued to feel God's presence through service.

Lewis Howes 57:03 Hmm. Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 57:05 So if someone really feels stuck, walk out the door and serve.

Lewis Howes 57:09 Give.

Dr. Lisa Miller 57:09 Because that is prayer in action.

Lewis Howes 57:11 Interesting. Now, how do you distinguish between re- religion-

Dr. Lisa Miller 57:15 Yeah

Lewis Howes 57:15 ... and spirituality in a lab setting or in a research setting?

Dr. Lisa Miller 57:18 Yes. So, Lewis, we can use a twin study to determine whether any human capacity is inborn or environmentally formed. So height and weight is largely inborn, right? Uh, temperament is about half inborn, if we're extroverted, introverted. The capacity through which we experience spirituality, a connection to God, whatever our word, is innate. It is one-third innate, two-thirds cultivated. Religion, no matter what our tradition may be, the beautiful world faith traditions, Hindu, Catholic, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, whatever our tradition may be, religion is environmentally transmitted. The beautiful texts, the practices, the community, all are forms. They're really gifts of our parents and grandparents.

Lewis Howes 58:09 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 58:09 We might choose a tradition and immerse ourselves. Religion is environmentally transmitted. Spirituality is innate.

Lewis Howes 58:17 Hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 58:19 For two-thirds of Americans, spirituality and religion go hand-in-hand. It's through my faith tradition, they will say, that I cultivate my natural spiritual awareness. So we're all born to feel God's presence. But what we call God, and whether we pray or meditate, and the stories we learn to help us cultivate that depth of relationship, those

Dr. Lisa Miller 58:41 are gifts of our environment.

Lewis Howes 58:43 Hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 58:43 Those may come from our religion.

Lewis Howes 58:44 Yes. Beyond just loving our kids, what's the number one thing a parent can do for a child?

Dr. Lisa Miller 58:50 Beyond loving our kids, there is one and one alone job of every parent, which is to build the spiritual core. If you want your child to be healthier, to have good character, to be able to love and make commitments, build the spiritual core. In fact, Lewis, we looked at 270,000 young kids, eight through 17, and what we saw was that those kids with a strong spirituality had more grit, more optimism, more forgiveness. Character, which is virtue, but it's also traction towards your mission and goals. Character is how you perform in the world at the end of the day.

Lewis Howes 59:28 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 59:28 So if you want even an outwardly performing kid, it all is rooted in the spiritual core.

Lewis Howes 59:34 Interesting. And when you look at 270,000 kids, is it through brain scans, through MRIs, through studying other things? Like, how do you see that? And is it a, a certain percentage of those that were doing... that had spiritual core that were performing better than others?

Dr. Lisa Miller 59:52 Lewis, we looked all around the world. We did a mass survey of 270,000 kids, and what we saw was that some kids were very high in grit, and optimism, and forgiveness, and temperance, and judgment. All of the character strengths and virtues load into the same kids. What can be said about those kids? They have a strong spiritual core. And then we looked at those kids who we love just as much, who are low in grit and low in optimism, in temperance and judgment, and they tended not to have a strong spiritual core.

Lewis Howes 1:00:23 Really?

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:00:23 Spirituality and character go hand-in-hand. And when we looked at what predicts what, it is spirituality that is the root. Character are the beautiful magnolias.

Lewis Howes 1:00:34 So if a parent is thinking, "You know what? I'm gonna love my kids by taking them to every class, by tutoring them, by putting them in every workshop or after-school activity, and-" ... showing up on the sideline at every game and just drilling in that they've got to work hard, be gritty, have character, and succeed, but I don't bring an element of spiritual connection to their life. What happens to those kids of parents that are meaning well, potentially in their own mind, to create kids that deliver

Lewis Howes 1:01:07 results or perform but lack the spiritual connection?

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:01:11 Narrow achieving parenting leads kids to be depressed, to feel that they have to sing for their supper.

Lewis Howes 1:01:18 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:01:18 That I am only as worthy in your eyes, Dad, as my latest win. Contingent love. And in fact, contingent love is actually found more commonly in high-achieving families. Contingent love is experienced by a child as I'm only as good as my outward success. So if I don't get into this college or if I come home with a D or even a B minus, my dad's literally going to love me less.

Lewis Howes 1:01:45 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:01:46 That is the felt experience. It's associated with depression. It's associated with addiction.

Lewis Howes 1:01:52 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:01:53 It's even associated with sociopathy, that every relationship's a deal.

Lewis Howes 1:01:59 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:02:00 But, but as a parent, this moment, you... This is actually a very... This story has a happy ending.

Lewis Howes 1:02:07 Oh, good.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:02:07 As a parent, at every moment we can say, "Wait a minute." Whether it's riding to school in the SUV or talking about the loss on the baseball field, this moment is also a spiritual moment.

Lewis Howes 1:02:20 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:02:20 There is a golden thread that goes through every parent-child moment in life, an opportunity to witness God's presence. "Okay, you know what? It's true you lost, but you were so gracious to that kid from the other team. You treated him as your brother. Isn't that what God would want us to do?"

Lewis Howes 1:02:37 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:02:37 Right. "Okay, I see that you've gotten a D, and you're disappointed. But let's sit down here, you know, and, and shall we pray and see what comes to you. You know, I don't care if you come home with an A, B, C, or D when it comes to how much I love you."

Lewis Howes 1:02:51 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:02:51 "I love you 'cause you're my child. I love you 'cause you're God's child. I love you as a soul on Earth. And now let's sit here shoulder to shoulder on the same team and figure out a plan where we can attack this class another way."

Lewis Howes 1:03:06 That's cool. I like that.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:03:08 So there's two ways to pick up your child every day. From third grade, you could have a achieving greeting or you can have an awakened greeting.

Lewis Howes 1:03:17 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:03:17 The achieving greeting is, "Did you win today?" The achieving greeting is, "How'd the math test go?" The awakened greeting is, "I am so excited to see you. Hi, sparkly eyes."

Lewis Howes 1:03:28 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:03:28 You know. "Dad loves you. Mom loves you." And then of course a good parent wants to know how you're doing in school, but it's not the bedrock of our relationship. "I love you, not just 'cause I say it, but because I show it."

Lewis Howes 1:03:43 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:03:43 "Whether it's A, B, C, or D today, you light up my world."

Lewis Howes 1:03:47 Yeah. That's cool. And how can a parent then help their child grow spiritually if they don't believe in anything themselves?

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:03:54 Oh, it's such an important question. The child comes a naturally spiritual child.

Lewis Howes 1:03:59 Uh-huh.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:04:00 The child will spontaneously share-

Lewis Howes 1:04:02 Yeah

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:04:02 ... beautiful, I mean, heart-rending, just beautiful moments. So much love and forgiveness. I remember when my center child, who goes by Center Child-

Lewis Howes 1:04:12 [laughs]

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:04:14 ... was in nursery school. There was this little boy, I... It was like clockwork. Right before the teacher opened the door to start the day, this little boy would come up and give her a swift kick. And it, you know, as a parent was very upsetting. My husband was so angry he was [laughs] gonna sue the nursery school. He was just everywhere, distressed. But what did the little child say? What did my daughter say? "Oh, sweet little John. I'm teaching him not to kick."

Lewis Howes 1:04:41 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:04:43 The child has a compassion already written into who they are. In fact, natural spirituality in the young child awakens spirituality in us as parents. A child will see fellow living beings, little ducks in the park, geese, as sisters and brothers, as friends. Unless we say to them, "Hey, that little goose just wants your breadcrumbs. That's a transaction," the child will think they are friends because they are. A child loves family, their classroom, the wholeness of we.

Lewis Howes 1:05:18 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:05:19 If someone's not at school, they'll say, "You know what? Agatha was not in school today. Apparently she's not feeling well."

Lewis Howes 1:05:25 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:05:25 We each matter. Our absence matters. A child loves spiritual ceremony, wants to sing in the choir.

Lewis Howes 1:05:33 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:05:33 Wants to pray. I've heard Sufi parents say that it's as if they know the movement before they're even taught.

Lewis Howes 1:05:39 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:05:39 Children come hardwired to live and breathe spiritual life, unless we shut it down. If I don't know as a parent what to say or what to do, it is 100% good enough to show up and say, "Wow, what do you feel? What do you think?" In fact, often the child doesn't want an answer to their question. If a child says, "Why does God allow bad people to be on Earth?" they don't always necessarily want the answer. The child's looking for us to show up and be with them-

Lewis Howes 1:06:12 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:06:12 ... while they explore.

Lewis Howes 1:06:14 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:06:15 The lesson that we as parents actually convey is that life is a big sacred quest. We don't need to know the summative answer, the period at the end of the sentence. We need to have a stance of quest-

Lewis Howes 1:06:29 Yes

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:06:30 ... to be game for a spiritual discovery.

Lewis Howes 1:06:32 Mm. Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:06:33 So we model spiritual exploration when we say, "Wow, what's your heart say?"

Lewis Howes 1:06:38 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:06:38 "What's your inner compass show you?" Authorize our children as spiritual knowers, and their whole life they'll be able to use their inner compass-

Lewis Howes 1:06:47 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:06:47 ... for life's biggest challenges.

Lewis Howes 1:06:50 As a parent to new twins, what is something that you would recommend I never do?

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:06:56 When your child has a spiritual question or spiritual experience, comes to you, maybe even saying the thing you don't wanna hear-

Lewis Howes 1:07:09 Mm

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:07:09 ... don't tell them it's not real. Never tell your child they're not a knower.

Lewis Howes 1:07:17 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:07:17 The most important thing we do as parents is authorize our children as direct knowers. "That's not real," is the worst thing you can say to your child.

Lewis Howes 1:07:27 About everything? About, like, Santa Claus or, you know, about what?

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:07:31 "That's not real," says that whatever level of reality you're experiencing that on, I have just invalidated.

Lewis Howes 1:07:41 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:07:42 Lewis, I've had so many people come to me as young adults saying, "I was such a spiritual child, and my dad told me it wasn't real, and it took me years to come back."

Lewis Howes 1:07:52 Interesting.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:07:52 Right? So for instance, a parent might have a tiff with their religious tradition, but the child, your own child, may have a profound, authentic spiritual experience in that very tradition.

Lewis Howes 1:08:06 Mm-hmm. Don't diminish it.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:08:08 Let them have their own spiritual path.

Lewis Howes 1:08:09 Yeah, that- that's cool. The book is really inspiring.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:08:12 Thank you.

Lewis Howes 1:08:12 I want people to learn more about this book, The Spiritual Child, which is the new science of parenting for health and lifelong thriving. And I feel like in a time right now where, uh, I feel like parenting for most seems to be, from what I hear, is harder than ever because of social media, because of devices, because of AI, because of whatever challenges at school that might be different than what they were in the past because of comparison and judgment i- is higher than ever, it seems like. 'Cause you're not comparing yourself with your own peers, you're comparing yourself with every kid in the world on social media. So I hear parenting is really hard for a lot of people, and you really go into the science about how to parent children for a healthy, happier, longer life. And I think, uh, at a time where people are confused more than ever, this is a book that people need more than ever. The Spiritual Child by Dr. Lisa Miller. What is, uh, one thing that you think people will get out of this book that will support them in overcoming the challenges of parenting in this modern era?

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:09:24 There's a lot of frustration. There's a lot of despair. There's a lot of feeling that somehow the world's coming to an end. But those are just perceptions, and when we awaken to the presence of the spiritual presence-

Lewis Howes 1:09:40 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:09:40 ... in our lives, that fills our homes, and that opens our eyes, and lets our children see clearly. Every day is an incredible, glorious gift.

Lewis Howes 1:09:50 Yes.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:09:50 Good morning, honey. Thank God we're all alive.

Lewis Howes 1:09:53 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:09:54 Let's see what today has in store.

Lewis Howes 1:09:56 Yeah, this goes back to the beginning where you said, like, the biggest illness is our perception.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:10:03 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:10:03 Our inability to perceive things better, uh, than how we perceive them as worse, is what I'm hearing you say.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:10:11 If you have a direct connection to God, nothing can break you.

Lewis Howes 1:10:14 Amen.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:10:15 So if there's one thing we give our child, it is to fortify their birthright, their own direct connection to God.

Lewis Howes 1:10:21 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:10:22 Then nothing can break your child.

Lewis Howes 1:10:24 100%. That's beautiful. It- it might be a challenge that they're gonna have to face.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:10:29 Sure.

Lewis Howes 1:10:29 They might have to overcome some pain and suffering and sadness.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:10:32 Funny. Funny.

Lewis Howes 1:10:33 But as long as they stay connected spiritually, it will keep them on a path to overcome that challenge, and I think that's what we all want. So I want people to get the book, The Spiritual Child: The New Science of Parenting for Health and Lifelong Thriving. Lots of great research in here.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:10:48 And your child will find her calling.

Lewis Howes 1:10:51 I think that's what every parent wants probably, right?

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:10:53 Their soul's path, their calling.

Lewis Howes 1:10:55 That's it. I'm in a season right now where it's like my daughters are, you know, six months. They're not talking yet, and they're not walking yet. But I can only imagine what that'll be like when they're asking questions and walking and adventuring. Uh, and that's all I'm gonna want them to do, is learn how to- to develop their unique, innate gifts inside of them and then share that with the world.

Lewis Howes 1:11:18 I'm assuming that's what I'm gonna want for them, so.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:11:21 Because they'll be watching you.

Lewis Howes 1:11:22 Exactly. They will be.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:11:23 You know, people say to me, "If there's one thing that I wanna tell my child in high school so that they can then go off to college or get a job and know there's- there's a framework to live by."

Lewis Howes 1:11:33 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:11:35 In my work with the Pentagon, we took The Spiritual Child, 10 to 20,000 people in the Pentagon read The Spiritual Child-

Lewis Howes 1:11:42 Wow

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:11:43 ... and distilled this to four P's. You need a Practice-

Lewis Howes 1:11:47 Mm-hmm

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:11:47 ... through which you connect to your higher power. You need your People with whom together you connect to the higher power and share that practice. You need an ultimate Purpose, and you need your Path. The four P's. All of those are rooted in a connection to God or your higher power.

Lewis Howes 1:12:08 I love that, that when we develop our own practice, we find the right people, we pursue our purpose on our own path through the connection to God. Uh, that probably feels like you're living on mission.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:12:19 Then you're walking your spiritual path.

Lewis Howes 1:12:22 Exactly.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:12:22 Living on mission.

Lewis Howes 1:12:23 Yeah. That's beautiful. I want people to get your book, The Spiritual Child, um, and also check out your website and social media, Dr. Lisa Miller over on Instagram. You've got workshops for adults and workshops for spiritual parenting as well. So if they go to your social media,

Lewis Howes 1:12:41 if they go to your website, they can get updated on when you're doing more of those workshops as well, and they can get your book, which is really inspiring. I asked you this question before in the last interview. I'm gonna have to go back and see what you said, if it's different from now. But I asked you about the three truths. I don't know if you remember what you shared then. But if you could imagine living as long as you wanna live in this earth, but on the final day you have to take all of your work with you. Your books, courses, this interview, it has to go. It- it's not on this earth anymore. Uh, but on your last day of life, you get to share three lessons with the world. What would those three lessons or three truths be for you?

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:13:17 Listen to what God has in store for you.

Lewis Howes 1:13:19 Mm.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:13:21 Show up and be a trail angel for someone. Walk with them on their spiritual path. Third above all else, most importantly, teach your children to love God.

Lewis Howes 1:13:32 Oh, that's good. That's good.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:13:34 Every bit of science says the most important thing we can ever do is teach our children to love God.

Lewis Howes 1:13:40 Wow.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:13:41 So that is not just a gift as a mother. That's a gift as a scientist.

Lewis Howes 1:13:44 Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:13:44 Hundreds of peer review articles. One thing we can do for our children, teach them to love God.

Lewis Howes 1:13:50 Wow. That's beautiful. And Lisa, your definition of greatness.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:13:55 Listening and trying to live out God's plan.

Lewis Howes 1:13:59 That's it. Dr. Lisa Miller, thank you so much for being here. Appreciate it.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:14:03 Beautiful to connect with you, Lewis.

Lewis Howes 1:14:04 Beautiful.

Dr. Lisa Miller 1:14:05 I don't think that the human brain, for all its beauty and abilities, is capable of managing everything that life here on Earth presents to us. And so for me, this notion of higher power and faith-based practice has been enormously, um, powerful for me in terms of helping me navigate decision space