This LIFE ADVICE Will Leave You Speechless! (CHANGE EVERYTHING) | Muniba Mazari

1. 0:00 – 0:35

   No overnight success: dreams require work, realism, and optimism

   1. MMMuniba Mazari0:00

      There is no such thing as overnight achievement. No. If it comes easy, it goes easy.

   2. LHLewis Howes0:06

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MMMuniba Mazari0:06

      I can sit in the corner of the room and daydream all day long, but nobody's going to come and serve success on plate.

   4. LHLewis Howes0:13

      Right.

   5. MMMuniba Mazari0:13

      Right? So I have to be optimistic, but I have to be-

   6. LHLewis Howes0:16

      I think you gotta have a dream. The School of Greatness. Really? [laughs] Yeah. Please welcome Lewis Howes. Can you explain a little bit about your story from when you had a car accident and how everything in your life changed to where it is now?

2. 0:35 – 2:22

   A life-changing car crash and the reality of paralysis

   1. MMMuniba Mazari0:35

      Oh, well, um, Lewis, I've always believed that some accidents and incidents are so strong that they change your DNA. They deform your body, but they truly transform your soul, and the same incident happened 14 years ago. I was in a major car crash. It was a really bad one. Um, I sustained numerous injuries, and I always put a disclaimer before I share the long list of my injuries. It's, it's a bit long. Don't get scared. Uh, radius and ulna of my right arm got fractured. My shoulder bone and collar bone got fractured. My lungs and liver were badly injured because my ribcage got fractured, and I had immense internal bleeding. But this injury that really changed my life and that changed me as a human in blink of an eye completely was my spinal cord injury. Three vertebra of my backbone got completely crushed, and I got paralyzed right then and then. The place where this incident happened was a far-flung area where there was no ambulance, there was no first aid, no hospitals. So when people in the local area saw this woman in the car, she was stuck there, they just wanted to help me out. They wanted to save my life, so they dragged me out of the car, which destroyed my spinal cord forever. So I've been using wheelchair for the past 14 years. I am halfway down paralyzed. There's no mobility, no sensation, no bladder and bowel control, and that's the gist of this whole incident. I was taken later to a good hospital where, where I, um, um, underwent multiple surgeries. There's a lot of titanium in my arm, a lot of titanium in my backbone, you know, and that's what it is. A lot of people in Pakistan because of that call me the Iron Lady because I have so much iron in my body. It's so funny. [laughs]

   2. LHLewis Howes2:19

      [laughs]

   3. MMMuniba Mazari2:19

      But that's what it is. That's what I've been through. [laughs]

3. 2:22 – 4:00

   Early dreams, artistic identity, and calling the accident a "rebirth"

   1. LHLewis Howes2:22

      Um, I'm curious. When you grew up, when you were growing up, here's me going off and adding an additional question for you. When you were growing up, what was the dream for you? Did you have a dream that you wanted to do something, uh, with your life, or was the dream just to kind of go through and do what your, your parents wanted you to do and, and get a, you know, education and, and see what happens? What was the dream?

   2. MMMuniba Mazari2:47

      My dream... You know what? I celebrated my 21st birthday in ICU.

   3. LHLewis Howes2:54

      Wow.

   4. MMMuniba Mazari2:54

      So my life did not give me that much chance to think about what I really wanted to do, but all I always aspired to be was to become an artist. I, I loved art. That kept me going. That kept me sane, and that is all that I wanted to be. I just wanted to become an artist, and then life happens, and that happened to me, you know, how in split second everything changed. So yes, for a 21-year-old, there was too much to absorb. So I call this accident my rebirth because it really, really changed me as a person. It literally changed my DNA, and I'll tell you later that how I realized this, that I am a new person altogether.

   5. LHLewis Howes3:38

      Mm. What, what was the thing that you feel like you learned the most from this rebirth? That when you were growing up, maybe you had one belief or one way of thinking that after or during or after this experience in the hospital and in this rebirth that you started to think in a different way. What was that way of thinking?

4. 4:00 – 6:45

   Pain vs. suffering: brutal honesty in the hospital and devastating news

   1. MMMuniba Mazari4:00

      You know, pain is a beautiful thing. It's, it's a great teacher. It teaches you so much, and there is a huge difference between pain and suffering. I was in constant pain after the accident. You know, I spent a lot of time in hospital. About two and a half months I was in the hospital. Then I got discharged, and I was bedridden in my home confined for two consecutive years because I developed massive pressure sores on my body.

   2. LHLewis Howes4:23

      [gasps] Two years?

   3. MMMuniba Mazari4:24

      So that whole... Yes.

   4. LHLewis Howes4:27

      So two months-

   5. MMMuniba Mazari4:27

      Two years

   6. LHLewis Howes4:27

      ... in the hospital and then two years at home where you... Oh, my gosh.

   7. MMMuniba Mazari4:31

      Yes, because the sores were just not healing. So I was bedridden for two years and two and a half months of my life.

   8. LHLewis Howes4:39

      Mm.

   9. MMMuniba Mazari4:39

      And as I said, that pain teaches you so much, Lewis. I mean, when I was in the hospital, the first thing that I learned was hospital is a place where people become so brutally honest, especially your doctors. Because they have to be honest. They cannot give you false hopes. I always aspired to become an artist. But when my hand was completely fractured, my arm was fractured, and my hand was deformed, pre-surgery and post-surgery, I was crying for this because I could not write a single thing.

   10. LHLewis Howes5:08

       Mm.

   11. MMMuniba Mazari5:09

       I could not hold a pen because my fingers were deformed. It was bad. Even right now, I cannot move my wrist. I cannot. It is still deformed.

   12. LHLewis Howes5:17

       Oh, man.

   13. MMMuniba Mazari5:18

       And I was just crying about it, that, you know what, oh, my God, my hand, my arm. I did not realize what I had lost. So one day a doctor came. He was my spine surgeon. Brilliant, brilliant doctor, a wonderful human being. He came in the room and he said, "You know what, Muniba? Your spine injury is dreadful, and nobody wants to operate your back because it's going to be very risky. Your three vertebra are gone completely, but I really want to operate your back because I want you to sit. I do not want you to stay in bed for the rest of your life because you will die." And I looked at him and I said, "But what about me walking?" And he had his way of, you know, he used to come and punch me in the head. And he looked at me and he punched me in the head and he said, "I have to tell you something. You are going to use the wheelchair for the rest of your life. I am not here to make you walk. I'm only here to operate you so that you can sit."

   14. LHLewis Howes6:19

       Mm.

   15. MMMuniba Mazari6:20

       And I was like, "Okay." Again, I'm just 21. I had no idea what was happening. It was just happening like this. And then he said, "There is something else I want you to know." And I said, "What, what next?"

   16. LHLewis Howes6:35

       [laughs]

   17. MMMuniba Mazari6:36

       He said, uh... [laughs] It was like one after another, right? Things were changing, and he said, uh, "You won't be able to be a mother."

   18. LHLewis Howes6:44

       Oh, wow.

5. 6:45 – 9:39

   Her mother’s "voice of sanity" at the edge of despair

   1. MMMuniba Mazari6:45

      And, you know, that was the point where, um, it really shook me to the core, Lewis, because I loved kids. And that was the moment when I actually thought that, "Oh my God, something big has happened to me." And now, slowly, I'm realizing every day people are coming in and they're saying what you are not able to do. That night was the most painful night of my life. When the doctors left, everyone went. My mother was with me all the time, like my shadow standing next to me. I looked at her, and I, by the time... I was very composed and quiet, did not cry, did not scream. But that night when I was told that no walking, no babies, I was devastated. You know? And I looked at my mother, and she was reciting something. And I looked at her and I said, "You lied to me."

   2. LHLewis Howes7:37

      Mm.

   3. MMMuniba Mazari7:37

      You know? You, you said God loved me. Then how God can do this to me? Here I am, half fractured, half paralyzed, laying in bed. I'm in so much pain, like physical pain, psychological pain, emotional pain. I just don't want to live. There's nothing to look forward to. Just pray. I wanna die. You know? And I just started crying, and I cried and I cried, and I did not stop. And my mother was standing next to me. She was so patient. She held my hands and I was... When I got done crying, because I was so tired of crying. You know what? I had a chest tube in my lungs. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't cough. I couldn't sneeze. I couldn't even cry louder because, you know, my ribcage was not there. My lungs were damaged. And so my mother said something beautiful, Lewis. She said, uh, "You are my only daughter, and you're not the only one who's feeling paralyzed."

   4. LHLewis Howes8:35

      Mm.

   5. MMMuniba Mazari8:35

      "When I see you in pain, I feel paralyzed, too. But let me tell you something, this pain will not last longer. This time will pass because nothing lasts forever. And one day, God will show you why did he choose you out of so many people for this test. So please be patient." And nothing made sense. What she was saying, it did not make sense at all because I was at the verge of despair. And Lewis, that was the moment when I realized that when you are at the verge of despair, just one voice of sanity can really save your life.

   6. LHLewis Howes9:15

      Yeah.

   7. MMMuniba Mazari9:16

      It can save you from drowning in self-doubt. And in my case, when I was in ICU, my mother's voice saved me. So, yes. [laughs]

   8. LHLewis Howes9:27

      Wow. What, what was the biggest lesson you learned about yourself during the time, those two plus months in the hospital and then also two years at home? Biggest lessons you learned about yourself.

6. 9:39 – 11:29

   Art as survival: creating in confinement and learning strength with vulnerability

   1. MMMuniba Mazari9:39

      I learned that, uh, even though my hand was deformed, art kept me sane.

   2. LHLewis Howes9:45

      Mm.

   3. MMMuniba Mazari9:45

      It kept me going. That was my only escape. You know, um, when I was bedridden, I couldn't leave the house. I could not leave the bed. I couldn't take a shower. I couldn't see outside. I was just confined in my room like a caged bird, and art kept me sane. So with the deformed hand, I was just painting those hideous faces, and I kept stacking up underneath the bed. And one day, my brother came in the room and he said, "You know what? One day, all this stacked up art will be exhibited in a gallery."

   4. LHLewis Howes10:18

      Mm.

   5. MMMuniba Mazari10:18

      And I literally laughed and I said, "Ugh, come on."

   6. LHLewis Howes10:22

      [laughs]

   7. MMMuniba Mazari10:22

      You know? It's okay to be [laughs] optimistic, but be realistic. These are hideous. Nobody would like it. But now I realize that my brother was manifesting the best future for me. And the day came when I actually exhibited my work.

   8. LHLewis Howes10:37

      Wow.

   9. MMMuniba Mazari10:38

      What I learned about myself being bedridden, and because of this whole injury, was we human beings are so strong, so strong, yet we are so vulnerable. And this beautiful balance of strength and vulnerability make us who we are.

   10. LHLewis Howes10:56

       And when did you bel- begin to believe in yourself again? When did... You know, the self-doubt must have been so high, so strong for you during this time of asking yourself, "What's the point of this?" You know, "Go- uh, does, did God forget me? Does God not love me?" You know, "Are people in my life really there for me? Do I have any skills that I can use if I can't walk, if I can't use my hand?" When did you start to overcome self-doubt and start to actually be way more confident than you've ever been before?

7. 11:29 – 15:13

   The mirror moment: wheelchair reality and the start of self-acceptance

   1. MMMuniba Mazari11:29

      You know what? That's what self-acceptance does. It works wonders. And, you know, the journey of self-acceptance is never easy because we are so scared, all of us. We have fears, fears of known, fear of unknown. And how I accepted myself, like, is a story. So what happened was when my sores got healed and I managed to sit for the first time after two years and two and a half months, I literally forgot how I used to look on a bigger mirror because I couldn't see myself in a big mirror.

   2. LHLewis Howes12:00

      Wow. So you were laying down most of the two years, the whole-

   3. MMMuniba Mazari12:03

      Oh, yes.

   4. LHLewis Howes12:04

      Wow.

   5. MMMuniba Mazari12:04

      I just could not sit because I had massive sores on my back, and I just could not sit Um, so I still remember the day, you know, when my brothers brought the wheelchair in my room, and I was in the bed, looked at the wheelchair, and it just hit me at that moment that this wheelchair is my reality now. Not for a week, not for a month, not for a year, but for the rest of my life, this is my reality. So they lifted me, and they put me in the wheelchair, and they somehow knew that I needed some space because I was about to meet the new me after so long, and they left the room. And there I was, sitting in the wheelchair, facing the mirror, looking at myself. Oh, God, that was-

   6. LHLewis Howes12:58

      What did you see?

   7. MMMuniba Mazari13:01

      Not a really blissful sight, you know? Because, uh, I looked at myself with all the chopped-off hair because my mother had to cut my hair because we couldn't wash the hair when I was bedridden. I had... I was so weak. I had massive dark circles, and I was literally trembling because of weakness. Because I sat after so long, I could not actually sit. So when I looked at myself in the mirror at my lowest, I hated that sight. So what I did was, there was this lipstick on the table. I picked it up, and I applied it. And I looked at my face, and I said, "What am I even trying to do? I'm trying to look pretty? Do I even realize that I'm in a wheelchair, and women in the wheelchair don't need to look pretty?" I cleaned it, and I applied it again. I clean it again, and then I cried like a child because I could not accept what I had become. And while I was crying... You know, this was my journey of self-acceptance, and while I was crying, I realized that I have two options. I can sit in the corner of the room and cry and, w- you know, beg people for their attention, for their mercy, but you know what? People don't have time. When you laugh, the world laughs with you. When you cry, you cry alone.

   8. LHLewis Howes14:27

      Mm.

   9. MMMuniba Mazari14:27

      Or I can wait for a miracle to come and make me walk, but I knew it's never going to happen. Or I can just accept myself the way I am, whatever mess I was at that point. So just accept yourself and move on. And when that happened, everything changed, Lewis. Because when you accept yourself the way you are, the world recognizes you. And I think that self-talk, that matters. When, when you are looking at yourself in the mirror without makeup, without filter, it's just you with yourself, the conversation that you have with yourself at that point is the most meaningful, profound, and life-changing conversation. I had that with myself, and rest is history.

8. 15:13 – 16:57

   Self-talk and purpose: "Keep going" and being present for others

   1. LHLewis Howes15:13

      What was the conversation... What was the main conversation you had before you accepted yourself in the mirror? And then what is the conversation you have with yourself now when you look at l- yourself in the mirror?

   2. MMMuniba Mazari15:27

      So when I looked at myself in the mirror and I was not accepting myself at all, I could not communicate with myself.

   3. LHLewis Howes15:34

      Really?

   4. MMMuniba Mazari15:35

      I was just looking at myself. I said, "No, that is not me." I was this 5'7" tall girl at the age of 21, you know? And now this woman in a wheelchair, what a mess. I could not talk. I could not talk to myself. But then the minute I accepted what has happened, I realized one thing, that no matter what ever I was left with, I had to carry it with grace, with gratitude, and that's it. And that helped.

   5. LHLewis Howes16:10

      And what do you say to yourself now when you look at yourself in the mirror?

   6. MMMuniba Mazari16:12

      "Look at you." [laughs]

   7. LHLewis Howes16:15

      [laughs]

   8. MMMuniba Mazari16:15

      I'm just kidding. No.

   9. LHLewis Howes16:17

      "Damn, you look g- Damn, you look good. You're smart. You're intelligent. You matter," yeah.

   10. MMMuniba Mazari16:23

       You're all of that. No, but honestly, when I look at myself, I just say one thing, "Just keep going. Keep going, keep going, because your journey is not just yours. There are so many people who are... who look at you when they need inspiration-"

   11. LHLewis Howes16:39

       Yeah

   12. MMMuniba Mazari16:39

       ... when they need motivation, because motivation dies every day. And even if my presence can make someone's day, I'll do it for them.

   13. LHLewis Howes16:47

       Mm.

   14. MMMuniba Mazari16:48

       That's what I say. I don't, I don't give compliments to myself, no. [laughs]

   15. LHLewis Howes16:52

       You should, though. You should compliment yourself a little bit. Uh-

   16. MMMuniba Mazari16:55

       A little bit, yes.

   17. LHLewis Howes16:56

       [laughs]

9. 16:57 – 19:40

   Self-acceptance, self-love, and redefining perfection beyond social media

   1. LHLewis Howes16:57

      I'm curious, what is the difference between self-acceptance and also accepting where you're at, but saying, "But I wanna improve and get better," not just saying, "I accept myself, and I'm going to not do anything about how to improve"? Is there a difference there, and what is that?

   2. MMMuniba Mazari17:21

      I think, uh, self-acceptance is the first step. Then comes self-love-

   3. LHLewis Howes17:27

      Mm

   4. MMMuniba Mazari17:27

      ... and loving yourself.

   5. LHLewis Howes17:29

      Mm-hmm.

   6. MMMuniba Mazari17:29

      You know? I have always said this, that love yourself but don't fall in love with yourself, and there's a huge difference between the two.

   7. LHLewis Howes17:37

      W- what is that?

   8. MMMuniba Mazari17:39

      Okay. When you fall in love with yourself, you are unable to see the flaws, the problems, the toxicity because you're so deeply, madly, blindly in love that you just cannot see the problems, right? But when you love yourself, you want to improve. You want to become a better person every day, right? You don't love yourself blindly. You will question your problems. You will try to improve. So love yourself, but don't fall in love with yourself, and that starts the minute you accept yourself the way you are. Then you become to become better. Then you try to become better.

   9. LHLewis Howes18:20

      Mm. Love this. Why do you think people struggle so much with loving themselves and with self-love?

   10. MMMuniba Mazari18:29

       A lot has to do with social media-

   11. LHLewis Howes18:31

       Mm

   12. MMMuniba Mazari18:32

       ... especially in today's time and age.

   13. LHLewis Howes18:33

       Mm-hmm.

   14. MMMuniba Mazari18:34

       You know, we are a generation obsessed with perfection. We want everything perfect, and everything has to be Instagram perfect, #couplegoals.

   15. LHLewis Howes18:47

       [laughs]

   16. MMMuniba Mazari18:49

       #beautiful.

   17. LHLewis Howes18:50

       Yeah.

   18. MMMuniba Mazari18:50

       You know, let's redefine the word beauty.

   19. LHLewis Howes18:54

       Mm.

   20. MMMuniba Mazari18:55

       Let's redefine the word perfection. I've always said this, and I'll say it again, that I'm perfectly imperfect, and that's perfectly all right. I have accepted myself with all the imperfections, things that I cannot change. The deformity that I have in my body, I cannot fix that. The scars that I have on my body, even though I'm healed, wounds and scars are still there. I'm not, I'm not ready to change that. I'm okay with that. I've accepted. But what really makes me perfect is how I communicate with people. Am I kind enough? Am I compassionate enough? Am I considerate enough? That makes me perfect. That makes you perfect.

   21. LHLewis Howes19:37

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MMMuniba Mazari19:37

       And that's what it is.

10. 19:40 – 21:18

    Changing the narrative of disability: the wheelchair as part of her body

    1. LHLewis Howes19:40

       What would you say is the biggest challenge you face today, the biggest struggle that you're trying to overcome? Maybe it's something internally or externally. Is there anything that you're facing with now?

    2. MMMuniba Mazari19:51

       Right now, um, not really, I think, but when this happened 14 years back, you know, a wheelchair is always... I don't know why, but it's always been a symbol of, of pain and suffering and weakness, and, "Oh my God, poor girl." I've heard this so many times, that, "She's too pretty to be in the wheelchair." Like-

    3. LHLewis Howes20:12

       Mm

    4. MMMuniba Mazari20:12

       ... what are you trying to do? Are you trying to praise me, or are you trying to make me feel bad?

    5. LHLewis Howes20:16

       [laughs]

    6. MMMuniba Mazari20:17

       Then, you know, and in the worst case scenario, I've, I've heard people saying that, "She must have done something wrong. That's why God punished her."

    7. LHLewis Howes20:25

       Mm.

    8. MMMuniba Mazari20:26

       But wait, I was just 21. What did I do wrong to deserve this? You know? So it took me a while to let the world know that, you know, this wheelchair is not adversity. This wheelchair is not weakness. This wheelchair is not suffering. It's the part of my body now.

    9. LHLewis Howes20:48

       Mm-hmm.

    10. MMMuniba Mazari20:48

        This wheelchair is not an accessory anymore. It's, it's me.

    11. LHLewis Howes20:51

        Mm.

    12. MMMuniba Mazari20:51

        Wheelchair alone is nothing, but when I sit in the wheelchair, that's the package. Talk to that package now. Talk to that human being now. Yes, I have problems. Yes, I cannot walk. I know that, but then there is so much more that I can do and I'm doing in my life.

    13. LHLewis Howes21:09

        Mm.

    14. MMMuniba Mazari21:09

        You know? So the biggest challenge was to change the mindset, which I think has changed with time because it's been 14 years now.

11. 21:18 – 25:07

    Haters, empathy, and the hidden battles people carry

    1. LHLewis Howes21:18

       Yeah. What was the biggest thing within your mindset that shifted?

    2. MMMuniba Mazari21:23

       In my mindset? You know what? I have made peace with the fact that no matter how amazing you are, no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how cool you are, there will always be haters.

    3. LHLewis Howes21:39

       Mm.

    4. MMMuniba Mazari21:39

       There will be naysayers, there will be disbelievers, because you cannot be liked and loved by everyone. Some people will hate you for some reason. Some will hate you for no reason. Appreciate it and acknowledge. Just the way you appreciate all the love, let's acknowledge all the disliking, too.

    5. LHLewis Howes21:58

       How do you manage that when people discount you or maybe talk negative about you online or wherever? How do you personally deal with it?

    6. MMMuniba Mazari22:08

       You know, I've always prayed for those who see their failure in my success.

    7. LHLewis Howes22:13

       Mm. [laughs] Yeah.

    8. MMMuniba Mazari22:15

       Those who hate you today, they were once dreamers who gave up on their dreams.

    9. LHLewis Howes22:21

       Oh, wow.

    10. MMMuniba Mazari22:23

        Right? Haters were once dreamers. They just gave up. So when they see a woman in a wheelchair doing something, they have to hate me because, you know, a lot of people said that, "Oh, just because she's in the wheelchair, she got the chance to do all this." Dude, you're walking around.

    11. LHLewis Howes22:42

        Mm-hmm.

    12. MMMuniba Mazari22:43

        Right? You had the chance, too, but you were too busy hating on people-

    13. LHLewis Howes22:48

        Mm

    14. MMMuniba Mazari22:48

        ... you missed the chance.

    15. LHLewis Howes22:50

        Mm.

    16. MMMuniba Mazari22:50

        So I, I understand. I'm an empath. I understand, you know, why is that hatred coming, you know? And again, pray for those who see their failure in your success. Hating is not easy.

    17. LHLewis Howes23:07

        It's exhausting, yeah.

    18. MMMuniba Mazari23:09

        It's exhausting. I mean, like, imagine every day... I mean, I will be posting all the good stuff on my social media, you will be posting all the amazing stuff you're doing on social media, and they're just sitting in the room doing nothing and just hating.

    19. LHLewis Howes23:22

        I know.

    20. MMMuniba Mazari23:22

        Who is the sufferer? We are not suffering. They are. So they need empathy and kindness.

    21. LHLewis Howes23:28

        Did you always have this belief for the last 14 years, or when you started to put your message out there and, and, and share your, your story, was it painful and hurtful for you at one point, or you always have this perspective?

    22. MMMuniba Mazari23:42

        Um, I think perspectives change. I was always a very grateful person, you know? Not before the accident. You know, I used to crib a lot because I was too young, and I was too naive.

    23. LHLewis Howes23:54

        [laughs]

    24. MMMuniba Mazari23:54

        But, you know, with time, yes, with time, I realized that, you know, everyone is fighting an unseen battle, Lewis, everyone, and we are so good at the art of concealing the pain that we are in, all of us. You know, the methodology changes. You know, there are certain ways that we conceal pain. Sometimes we share, sometimes we don't, but we all are going through something in life every day, you know? And I realize that if I think that I'm the one who's the most broken one, no. I have traveled around the world, I have met so many people, and they had shared their very personal stories of how broken they are. And let me tell you, none of them were in the wheelchair.

    25. LHLewis Howes24:38

        Mm.

    26. MMMuniba Mazari24:40

        So there are so many people who are walking around who are perfectly fine, they are running their businesses, they are so broken from within. All they want is to be understood. They want someone who can understand their pain, you know? And I feel so blessed that when people look at me, when they see me in the wheelchair, maybe, you know, they just think that because she is in pain, we can talk to her because she can understand what we are going through.

12. 25:07 – 40:18

    Expectations, relationships, and healing: "You are your own soulmate"

    1. LHLewis Howes25:07

       Mm-hmm. Why do you think so many people are broken in the world, um, who maybe aren't in a wheelchair, who have able-bodied, let's say, don't have a disformed body or something, but they're broken? Where do you think that brokenness is coming from for so many people?

    2. MMMuniba Mazari25:28

       Too many expectations from people. Too many expectations. You know, we want to get into a relationship because we want happiness.

    3. LHLewis Howes25:37

       Mm-hmm.

    4. MMMuniba Mazari25:38

       We want to feel complete, right? Soulmates. No, you are your own soulmate, period. You know? If you are not in a good relationship with yourself, you will be miserable, even if you are in a relationship with someone. That's why people are broken. My happiness cannot be taken by someone because my happiness does not come from someone.

    5. LHLewis Howes26:02

       Mm-hmm.

    6. MMMuniba Mazari26:03

       Nobody's giving me my joy. I am the reason of my own joy. If we manage to understand this tiny little truth about life, we will heal. And time doesn't heal you, you heal you. You need to sit down with yourself and think, do you love yourself enough? You know? And if you love yourself enough and you believe in self-love, no external force will ever be able to break you.

    7. LHLewis Howes26:33

       Mm. How do we learn to love ourselves if we have been telling ourselves for so long, "I'm not lovable," or, "I had this accident," or, you know, "I went through a breakup in a relationship and they left me or they abandoned me," or whatever it might be. How do we, how do we not let outside factors dictate our feelings about ourself and, and not let the fear of abandonment of people or people's love hold us back from loving ourselves?

    8. MMMuniba Mazari27:08

       Yes, the fear of abandonment. We all have that, and we need to overcome this fear. You know, when... I always say, when wrong people leave, right things start to happen.

    9. LHLewis Howes27:20

       Mm-hmm.

    10. MMMuniba Mazari27:20

        And we all are living a life story. You have your own story, I have my story. My brothers have their story, my mother has her own story, and then you find yourself in the wrong story. Just leave. If someone is not adding value to your life story, or if you are not adding value to someone's life story, leave. Sometimes it takes letting go to realize we're holding on to nothing. We are too busy clinging on to those relationships-

    11. LHLewis Howes27:51

        Mm-hmm

    12. MMMuniba Mazari27:52

        ... which are not meant to be in our journey, you know? And that's why I say that these people are so toxic. With, with time, they become so toxic for you that you know what? Your presence in their life is their only definition.

    13. LHLewis Howes28:07

        Mm-hmm.

    14. MMMuniba Mazari28:08

        And they will never want you to leave because they're so weak, they want to stay in your shadow. So you need to pick and choose. This person is toxic, leave. Liberate yourself by setting all these extra people free who do not belong to your journey. You know? And these people will always weigh you down. And if there's something is weighing you down, how will you fly high?

    15. LHLewis Howes28:33

        Mm.

    16. MMMuniba Mazari28:34

        You know? And fear of abandonment, if you can manage to overcome this fear, again, when you are on your own completely, that is where you will understand that solitude is very powerful.

    17. LHLewis Howes28:49

        So powerful.

    18. MMMuniba Mazari28:50

        It's very powerful.

    19. LHLewis Howes28:51

        Yeah.

    20. MMMuniba Mazari28:52

        You know? Because even in that silence, you're having a conversation. I mean, there is no energy vampire around me. I'm on my own, and I'm manifesting the best things for myself. I would never trade my solitude to anything because when I am alone on my own, I am the best version of myself.

    21. LHLewis Howes29:14

        Really?

    22. MMMuniba Mazari29:14

        Because I'm kind to myself. Yes.

    23. LHLewis Howes29:18

        You're kind to yourself?

    24. MMMuniba Mazari29:19

        Yes.

    25. LHLewis Howes29:22

        How much time did you spend alone after the accident?

    26. MMMuniba Mazari29:26

        [laughs] Uh, so I have this, this really cool, um, habit. I switch off. So even when I'm, you know, surrounded by a lot of people, I'm actually not there most of the times.

    27. LHLewis Howes29:40

        Really?

    28. MMMuniba Mazari29:41

        Yes. I'm just thinking. Do you know what? Recently I was thinking about something that when I was talking about that how, you know, this beautiful balance of strength and vulnerability makes us who we are. I was thinking about it the other day that I experience this balance on daily basis. You know, when I see my social media, you know, when I read emails and people sending beautiful messages that, you know, how your words have empowered us and, you know, because of you, we're not ever going to give up. It gives me so much strength, you know? And I say to myself, "Oh my God, I'm so strong." And then at the nighttime when I'm thirsty, I'm unable to get up and get a glass of water for myself.

    29. LHLewis Howes30:24

        Mm.

    30. MMMuniba Mazari30:25

        Right? That's my reality. And how vulnerable I am at that moment
13. 40:18 – 44:38

    From fear to calling: TEDx, adoption, and tackling abandonment

    1. LHLewis Howes40:18

       Oh, man, that's scary. Oh, man. One of, one of the, one of the things we talked about before we started this was, um, the power of identifying your fears, like creating a list of your fears. You talk about this in one of your videos where there was a point of your life where you were just afraid of everything. You know, lots of different things you were afraid of. Can you talk about the importance and what you did to just overcome fear after fear, and what that did for you, that exercise of overcoming them?

    2. MMMuniba Mazari40:52

       So I'll tell you something. I'm talking about self-acceptance. You know, accept yourself the way you are. It's never easy. I think the biggest obstacle, um, is a long list of fears. All sorts of fears. Known, unknown. My biggest fears were three. They were my major fears. So I, I wrote them down and I said, "You know what? I'm going to overcome these fears one at a time." My biggest fear was facing people, you know? And when I used to s- Now when I say this to the world, that, you know, I was scared of facing people, people think I'm being funny. But no. And it's not the fact that I did not want to see people or I just hated people, that's why I didn't want to see them. You know, I was tired of, you know, those remarks like, "Oh, poor girl." You know? I was tired of being treated as a patient. "Oh, how do you feel?" I feel the same. Ask me more about what I'm doing in life right now, you know? And this, this mercy in their eyes that, "Oh, poor girl," that, that really, you know, that was killing me from within. And I said, "You know what? I'm going to overcome this fear of facing people and, you know, maybe one day they will understand that I'm okay. I'm okay the way I am now. I've accepted myself, so please, you need to accept me, too." You know? And as they say, that when you think about doing something, the universe conspires. While I was thinking constantly about how can I overcome this fear of facing people, how can I do this, I was going to the malls, I was doing groceries. But that wasn't enough. Out of the blue I got a call from TEDx and, you know, so the guy said that, you know, "We really want you to come and share your story." And without missing a s- second, I said, "I'm doing it." So-

    3. LHLewis Howes42:37

       Yeah

    4. MMMuniba Mazari42:37

       ... that's how I gave my very first TED Talk. And in fact, while I was giving the talk, you know, I was sharing my life story with the world. You know, there I was sitting in front of so many people and sharing my story thinking, "What am I doing?" You know, I'm literally becoming an open book, and everybody can come and say-

    5. LHLewis Howes42:59

       Mm

    6. MMMuniba Mazari42:59

       ... things to me because-

    7. LHLewis Howes43:00

       Mm-hmm

    8. MMMuniba Mazari43:01

       ... you know, here I am.

    9. LHLewis Howes43:02

       They can judge you. They, yeah, they can do whatever, yeah.

    10. MMMuniba Mazari43:05

        Of course, right? But then I realized that maybe, you know, someone somewhere in the audience needs my words, so I'll do it for that one person.

    11. LHLewis Howes43:16

        Mm.

    12. MMMuniba Mazari43:16

        And then later, that girl came from the audience, and in that moment I realized that, you know, probably being speaker is my true calling in life maybe. You know, then the other biggest fear was the fear of not becoming a mother, and I was constantly thinking about it, that, you know, "How? How can I work?" And then I sat down with my mother one day and I said, "Mama, I want to adopt a child." And you know, but I was scared, you know? Being a wheelchair user, I said, "You know, maybe, you know, it will be hard." And my mother said, "I'm with you."

    13. LHLewis Howes43:48

        Mm-hmm.

    14. MMMuniba Mazari43:48

        "We'll raise him together."

    15. LHLewis Howes43:50

        Wow.

    16. MMMuniba Mazari43:50

        You know? And so I said, "Can we do this?" She said, "Yes, let's do it," and that's how. So I applied for adoption. I waited for two years, you know, and then one fine day out of nowhere, I got a call. The lady said, "There is a baby boy, and would you like to adopt?" I said, "Is that even a question? Of course, yes." So that's how Nael came in my life. And then the other biggest fear was abandonment, as we were talking earlier. What happens when people leave? Trust me, nothing happens.

    17. LHLewis Howes44:23

        Mm.

    18. MMMuniba Mazari44:24

        We are so scared of abandonment that, again, when you let go of all the extra people, you realize that you never, you never needed them. You just never needed them, you know? So have a good relationship

14. 44:38 – 48:58

    Motherhood through adoption: unconditional love and learning from her son

    1. MMMuniba Mazari44:38

       with yourself and you will never be scared of abandonment. So when I overcame this fear of facing people, I became a speaker or whatever things I'm doing. When I overcame the fear of motherhood, I became a mother, you know? So that's what it is.

    2. LHLewis Howes44:54

       Why do you think so many people are afraid to be alone? This is kind of like this fear, I don't want to die alone. I can't, you know, go day by day without having friends around me all the time. I can't be alone. I can't go to dinner by myself. I can't go to the movie by myself. I can't walk down the street alone. Why is there this insecurity or fear that so many people have?

    3. MMMuniba Mazari45:16

       Because we forget that we came in the world with nothing, and we leave with nothing. We came alone, crying.

    4. LHLewis Howes45:23

       Yeah. [laughs]

    5. MMMuniba Mazari45:24

       And when we were born, we were in pain, right? And we were crying. That was the sign of life. Oh, the baby is alive because the baby is crying and the baby is in pain. And when we leave, we are alone. So many people have left. Life does not stop, right? We are designed... Because we are social animals, right? We human beings are social animals. We need to socialize.

    6. LHLewis Howes45:48

       Mm-hmm.

    7. MMMuniba Mazari45:48

       The problem comes, problem is not with the relationship, the problem is the expectations that we have with our partners, that my spouse-

    8. LHLewis Howes45:59

       So true

    9. MMMuniba Mazari45:59

       ... has to make me feel good.

    10. LHLewis Howes46:01

        Yeah.

    11. MMMuniba Mazari46:02

        It doesn't work that way.

    12. LHLewis Howes46:04

        It doesn't.

    13. MMMuniba Mazari46:04

        Your spouse is a human being, too, fighting battles. You are doing, too. Again, if you two are not complementing each other, your life will become miserable.

    14. LHLewis Howes46:15

        Mm-hmm.

    15. MMMuniba Mazari46:16

        And also, there's one thing that I've noticed. People are competing. I mean, two people in a relationship are not complementing each other. They're competing with one another. This is so silly.

    16. LHLewis Howes46:28

        Yes.

    17. MMMuniba Mazari46:29

        I mean, you are supposed to complement each other, you know? But you guys are competing with each other, and no wonder why so many people are so broken, so broken. Either they switch to the new relationships like that because, oh my God, what will happen if we are all by ourselves? Trust me, nothing happens. You know, this, this global pandemic has taught us a lesson, you know, and that is by the end of the day, we are all on our own.

    18. LHLewis Howes47:03

        Mm-hmm.

    19. MMMuniba Mazari47:04

        So if you want to heal from COVID, you have to live with yourself. And you know why people were so scared of being on their own? Because they have never spent time with themselves-

    20. LHLewis Howes47:16

        I know

    21. MMMuniba Mazari47:17

        ... for so long, right? And they were just so scared. But let me tell you something. Being a wheelchair user, I have spent so much time on my own.

    22. LHLewis Howes47:28

        Mm-hmm.

    23. MMMuniba Mazari47:29

        And it did not kill me.

    24. LHLewis Howes47:30

        [laughs] Right.

    25. MMMuniba Mazari47:32

        So when you sit with yourself, you realize, oh, I'm actually a good company for myself.

    26. LHLewis Howes47:37

        Yeah, yeah.

    27. MMMuniba Mazari47:38

        And that's it. So you go, you meet people, you socialize because it's fun, but not because you need to do it, but because you want to do it.

    28. LHLewis Howes47:48

        Mm-hmm.

    29. MMMuniba Mazari47:50

        That's what it is.

    30. LHLewis Howes47:51

        And I think there's this, um, you know, there's this thing where we shouldn't be abandoning ourselves. We don't need to be at an event or be in relationships with people if they are constantly toxic, like you said, or if they're making us wrong or bad, or if they're not accepting us. That's really a form of self-hatred if we keep putting ourselves in those situations and we abandon the love for ourselves, the boundaries we need to create to have the environment of peace and love and joy. So I think it's important for us to r- remember that. Like, we don't have to keep showing up in situations where people are trying to hurt us. We can protect ourselves and not abandon ourselves.
15. 48:58 – 1:01:39

    Social media pressure, gratitude, and the episode’s closing "three truths"

    1. LHLewis Howes48:58

       Yes. Why do you think, um, for people who might feel stuck in their life, uh, might feel some type of brokenness, whether it be emot- emotionally or physically, and they say, "I don't know how to go after my dreams," what advice would you give to people who are struggling to figure out what their dreams are and also how to go after them?

    2. MMMuniba Mazari49:23

       First and foremost, we have this constant pressure of overachievement thanks to social media. Why? Because everybody's posting-

    3. LHLewis Howes49:32

       [laughs]

    4. MMMuniba Mazari49:33

       ... about something great. You know, "I achieved this. I achieved that. Oh, my God. #globaltrotter." Wait, I cannot afford to buy a ticket. I cannot go anywhere. What am I supposed to do, right? When you see people posting, rather bragging about what they have done in their lives every day, projects after projects, you question yourself, "Am I doing enough? Am I good enough? Is my life meaningful enough?"

    5. LHLewis Howes50:02

       Mm-hmm.

    6. MMMuniba Mazari50:02

       Right? But let me tell you something. Social media is all about the good stuff. Nobody is going to post about their daily struggles. When I try to sit every day in the morning, because my back muscles don't work, I fall back.

    7. LHLewis Howes50:18

       Mm-hmm.

    8. MMMuniba Mazari50:18

       Then I try to get up, I fall back, and it happens. It continues. So basically, I start my day as a failure because I just cannot sit on my own without the help of my mother. But my social media doesn't show that. It's all about inspirational things, right? So please, you don't have to be an overachiever every day.

    9. LHLewis Howes50:41

       Yeah.

    10. MMMuniba Mazari50:41

        Sometimes just waking up in the morning and not giving up on yourself is a huge achievement.

    11. LHLewis Howes50:46

        Absolutely.

    12. MMMuniba Mazari50:47

        You know? And I do it every day. You do it every day. We all do that, so appreciate it and be kind to yourself.

    13. LHLewis Howes50:54

        Yeah.

    14. MMMuniba Mazari50:54

        And you were talking about people dreaming. I always say one thing, that dreams don't work unless you do. You know, there is no such thing as overnight achievement. No. If it comes easy, it goes easy.

    15. LHLewis Howes51:07

        Mm-hmm.

    16. MMMuniba Mazari51:07

        I can sit in the corner of the room and daydream all day long, but nobody's going to come and serve success on plate.

    17. LHLewis Howes51:14

        Right.

    18. MMMuniba Mazari51:15

        Right? So I have to be optimistic, but I have to be realistic, too.

    19. LHLewis Howes51:19

        Yes.

    20. MMMuniba Mazari51:19

        I need to work to get my dreams, and that's it. And what I've learned so far, Lewis, is the attitude of gratitude works wonders. Just be grateful-

    21. LHLewis Howes51:31

        Yes

    22. MMMuniba Mazari51:31

        ... because you are way, way better than many. You know? It is so powerful that gratitude has the power to turn what you have into enough. You know, gratitude will never let... It will never turn your pain into suffering. It will never.

    23. LHLewis Howes51:47

        Right.

    24. MMMuniba Mazari51:47

        You know? And so be grateful for all the things that you have. For the things that you don't have or you have lost, just be grateful.

    25. LHLewis Howes51:57

        There's a... For many years of my life, I would get frustrated when things would happen, right? I, I remember having a dream of being a professional football player, and I got injured. I broke my wrist and then had a surgery and had to recover for about a year and a half, which kept me from playing and living my dream and playing sports anymore. And then I went through multiple breakups, so I had to learn the lesson the hard way many times in relationships. You know, just lots of things happened where I was like, "Why is this happening? Why? Why is this breakdown happening? Why am I in pain? Why did this happen when I was a child?" All these different things. And then I finally learned a strategy where people always say, you know, when you look back, you can connect the dots. Hindsight is 20/20 they say, right? You can look back, and you can see why that needed to happen. Then when bad th- bad things started to happen, I said, "You know what? I'm gonna look forward. I'm gonna have future hindsight. I'm gonna say, 'You know what? This needed to happen because it's helping me become a new person. It's helping me let go of toxic relationships. It's helping me get on a different path that will serve more people in my life and bring me more joy.'" When you had this accident, did you think about yourself in the future? Or when did you realize, I should say, when did you start to realize that, "Oh, this is happening for me because it's gonna benefit more people. It's gonna bring me closer to my mission, or it's gonna help me bring m- myself more joy"? When did that happen for you?

    26. MMMuniba Mazari53:27

        It's rightly said, nothing is happening to us, it's happening for us.

    27. LHLewis Howes53:31

        Uh-huh.

    28. MMMuniba Mazari53:31

        It's all about perception, right? It's all about your perspective. You know, I cannot relate to that 21-year-old who used to walk around. I don't even remember, Lewis, how it feels-

    29. LHLewis Howes53:45

        Mm-hmm

    30. MMMuniba Mazari53:45

        ... you know, to stand on your legs.

Episode duration: 1:01:39