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Why 70% Relationships End in The First Year | Sadia Khan

If you want to have more love and improve your modern relationship this is for you!

Sadia KhanguestLewis HoweshostSadia Khanguest

Aug 28, 202351mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

55 min read · 11,019 words

0:00 – 2:21
Why Early Relationships Fail: The Illusion of Options
1. SKSadia Khan
  Now when you go in wounded and expect the person to provide you medication, but you don't even tell them what disease you have, we are then going to punish them for everything they do.
2. LHLewis Howes
  Oh my gosh.
3. SKSadia Khan
  [laughs]
4. LHLewis Howes
  That's the worst feeling.
5. SKSadia Khan
  Unfortunately, you go in expecting them to be the healer or the doctor to a wound that they didn't create, but you don't even tell them of your diagnosis, and as a result, it's destined for failure.
6. LHLewis Howes
  I think you gotta have a dream. The School of Greatness. Really? [laughs] Yeah. Please welcome Lewis Howes. Welcome back, everyone, to School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. We have the inspiring Sadia Khan in the house, who is an incredible online coach, therapist, psychologist, and uh, someone that's really been taking off lately online with your relationship expert- expertise, with your content, and, uh, I'm so excited that you're here, so thank you for being here, all the way from Dubai.
7. SKSadia Khan
  Yes, so specifically for this, so thank you so much for having me.
8. LHLewis Howes
  We're, we're excited.
9. SKSadia Khan
  I really appreciate it.
10. LHLewis Howes
  We're excited.
11. SKSadia Khan
  Uh.
12. LHLewis Howes
  I, I saw a stat online recently that said 75% of relationships fail within the first, right after the first year.
13. SKSadia Khan
  Right.
14. LHLewis Howes
  I don't know if that's an accurate stat.
15. SKSadia Khan
  Uh-huh.
16. LHLewis Howes
  But it just seems like people are struggling in relationships, in a, in a new relationship. They're struggling finding a great partner when they start dating.
17. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
18. LHLewis Howes
  They're struggling trying to figure out, "Is this the right partner for me?" They're struggling with figure out their own wounds, and how their, uh, you know, their traumas interact with someone else's traumas, and is there a good match. All these different things cause people to struggle in relationships and break up within-
19. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
20. LHLewis Howes
  ... the first year.
21. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm.
22. LHLewis Howes
  It seems like.
23. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm.
24. LHLewis Howes
  Why do you think people are struggling more than ever today to have a healthy, happy relationship?
25. SKSadia Khan
  I would say it's the illusion of options that we've got today that we've never had before, in the form of online dating, social media, and pornography. What that means is when we enter relationships, we're almost assessing if that partner is worthy of us, and there's almost an element of narcissism when we walk in, we're like, "Can I get better? Can I get the most I can get? Is this the most satisfying sexual relationship I've ever had?" And if that person doesn't tick every single box off, instead of reflecting on what you need to heal, and what you need to bring to the table, and how you can help this relationship survive, we simply replace them with the illusion of options.
26. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
27. SKSadia Khan
  Even if we don't have alternatives, we think we do, so we let go far quicker than we previously would have.
28. LHLewis Howes
  Really?
29. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm. And-
2:21 – 5:48
Your Insecurities and the Wounds You Bring In
1. LHLewis Howes
  What do you think we should be asking ourselves about the person we wanna date? You know, 'cause s- it sounds like we wanna have every box ticked.
2. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Like, they have to be perfect, and they have to be funny, and they have to be rich.
4. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  And they have to be good-looking.
6. SKSadia Khan
  [laughs]
7. LHLewis Howes
  And they need a good education, and then-
8. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
9. LHLewis Howes
  But what should we really be asking ourselves before we start dating someone?
10. SKSadia Khan
  How are my personal insecurities going to ruin this relationship?
11. LHLewis Howes
  Ooh.
12. SKSadia Khan
  [laughs] Yeah. I think that's the first and foremost con- uh, conversation to have with yourself. I keep-
13. LHLewis Howes
  How are my insecurities going to ruin this relationship?
14. SKSadia Khan
  How are my personal insecurities going to ruin this relationship?
15. LHLewis Howes
  Why is that the question we should ask ourselves?
16. SKSadia Khan
  Because we go into a relationship almost blind to our own wounds, and they resurface in the relationship, and we blame them for not providing the medication of a wound that existed before we met them.
17. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
18. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah. [laughs]
19. LHLewis Howes
  That's so true. Wow.
20. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah. So what I mean by that is, say for example, you grew up financially insecure, and you meet a partner who's actually really nice to you, but he might not be able to soothe all your financial insecurities. You immediately think he's not good enough. Or you go into a relationship being addicted to pornography, and then you meet a woman who's actually just at, at your right level, but you're so used to a hypersexualized, promiscuous woman, that you find her boring. Or you go into a relationship not being able to communicate, and then you meet somebody who else who's, um, not also communicating, and you don't voice your concerns. So I would say l- ask yourself how are your insecurities going to ruin this relationship, and how do I create a buffer so that doesn't occur?
21. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm. So when we're aware, 'cause a lot of us, we go into a relationship not thinking where we have insecurities or that we're broken.
22. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
23. LHLewis Howes
  We're usually like, "Well, the previous relationship didn't work because of them."
24. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
25. LHLewis Howes
  "It was their fault. They did this." But really it's always comes back to us.
26. SKSadia Khan
  Absolutely.
27. LHLewis Howes
  We chose something. We, we didn't see something early on. We let something slide. We didn't create a boundary. We, we abandoned ourselves. We didn't communicate consciously, whatever it is.
28. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Um, we let things slide too often, but we don't take a look, unless for me-
30. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
5:48 – 9:52
Social Media, Validation and a Culture of Quick Fixes
1. LHLewis Howes
  Why do so many, I'm not gonna generalize, but it seems like a lot of women that you hear about with content online-
2. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... why do we see so many women- Causing frustration in their relationship when they start dating a man based on a wound that someone else did.
4. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Not the man in front of them.
6. SKSadia Khan
  Um, because we've created a generation of narcissistic women, and, uh, what's happened is the rise of social media and the rise of online dating and the rise of feminism has taught women that they are not to blame for any poor choices. Every poor choice is glamorized, so if you wanna be a sex worker, it's great. If you wanna post in bikini pictures online, it's fine. If you wanna be in vi- ... Every poor choice is glamorized, and every internal reflection is seen as gaslighting yourself. So they've even got terms for internal reflection to prevent it happening. And so what will happen is they are trained to not reflect on themselves because we've been told we've been oppressed for so many years, now it's time to make sure we project, and so we don't take any accountability. And as a result, when we get into relationships, if we don't feel completely soothed all the time, he must be a narcissist. He must be a manipulator. He must be gaslighting. He, he, he, rather than I, I, I. And unfortunately, we've got an online market that caters to that wounded woman, that caters to that entitled woman, and caters to that narcissistic woman. And it's so wild to me that so many women talk about narcissism, but the society today has just, is just catering to narcissistic women. If I post a picture online, a bikini picture online, there's nothing my husband can do that could compete with that level of, uh, accolade.
7. LHLewis Howes
  Attention.
8. SKSadia Khan
  Impossible.
9. LHLewis Howes
  The, the compliments.
10. SKSadia Khan
  The compliments it-
11. LHLewis Howes
  The attention, the, the messaging, the you're so sexy and beautiful.
12. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
13. LHLewis Howes
  And all these different things from thousands or potentially millions of men.
14. SKSadia Khan
  Around the world. Around the world.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Who have money and all these things.
16. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah. Yeah, and there's nothing he can do. He can't post online and get the same reaction. And more so-
17. LHLewis Howes
  Wow
18. SKSadia Khan
  ... he can't give me the same level of validation.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, my gosh.
20. SKSadia Khan
  So what's happened is we've created a, a, a setup i- in society that means men have to compete with a level of validation they can't compete with. With w- and if they go online, if they join Tinder, that night they can have so many more options than a man can because we've got filters and we've got all of these... Again, I'm, I really am privy to this myself. I'm not ... I'm a filter queen. So, but the things I can do to manipulate male validation-
21. LHLewis Howes
  To get more attention from men
22. SKSadia Khan
  ... just val- soothe myself and to remind myself I'm above this, I don't need him, I can replace him, is something men actually can't do, so they have to rely on pornography for that. They replace us with pornography, and we replace them with likes-
23. LHLewis Howes
  Wow
24. SKSadia Khan
  ... and comments on social media.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Wow. How did this happen? Like, why do, why do you think... Is this a values thing, a lack of values thing? Is this a, okay, if I feel wounded or I feel some type of trauma, I need a, an emotional release, and so this makes me feel good, and then it's just a slippery slope into more and more? What's the p- where does this, how does this start, and w- when does it end?
26. SKSadia Khan
  I think it comes from the fact that we've created a culture that whenever there's a problem, there's a temporary solution that doesn't get rid of the root. So what I mean by that is if there's a problem with intimacy for men and they're not getting women, there's pornography. If there's a problem of low self-esteem in women because they don't have meaning and purpose, they can post a few pictures online. We've created a way of soo- fo- uh, solving problems that doesn't get rid of the root. So we're always seeking highs, and the problem with highs is they come with lows. So you end up having more s- uh, problems, more low self-esteem, and then seeking bigger highs to get that kind of back to neutral state. So I think the problem comes with problems being solved by seeking highs and a real focus on kind of values that are very empty, empty, materialistic values. So you are a beautiful high-value woman if you're really, really beautiful, and you're a high-value man now if you are really, really rich. Uh, but there's nothing to do with connection and intimacy that now gives us status, and so, and I think that's come from social media mainly.
9:52 – 15:28
Loneliness, Commitment and the Youngest Generation
1. LHLewis Howes
  Where does this lead over the next three to five years with this narcissistic, you know, society, I guess, that's been built in this way? What happens for people in relationships? Are people able to find intimacy and connection and stay committed-
2. SKSadia Khan
  Uh-huh
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... and be actually happy in a, in a healthy relationship, or is it only gonna get worse?
4. SKSadia Khan
  It leads to intense and pervasive loneliness, unfortunately.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Really?
6. SKSadia Khan
  And it probably will only get worse. Unfortunately, until we wake up to the impact of technology, uh, both on men and women, it's going to lead to a complete identity crisis, external kind of extrinsic values that don't benefit anybody, which then manifests in depression and loneliness, self-inflicted depression and loneliness. Yeah, when I say low depression and loneliness, it's not like, um, I, I have a disease or anything. It's self-inflicted through poor choices. So unfortunately, it's going to lead to, uh, men not being able to commit to women because they can get all of the joys of sexual con- uh, relationships without having to invest, and women not being able to commit to men because they can get all the validation of male attention without having to adapt and change themselves a- according to the needs of the relationship.
7. LHLewis Howes
  What happens when men and women never commit?
8. SKSadia Khan
  Um, they find themselves ina- unable to put somebody else's wellbeing above their own. So we're creating people who are entirely individualistic, uh, deprived of responsibility, and unable to care and nurture for others because they're not putting somebody else's wellbeing above theirs. When you are unable to commit, essentially you wake up every single day saying, "What do I wanna do? What do I wanna do today?" And as nice and as freeing as that is, it deprives you of human responsibility. And in order to truly become something, uh, we're designed to be responsible. We're designed to be valuable. We're designed to serve others. This is how we've evolved. So becoming completely individualistic leads to a sense of lonely narcissism-
9. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
10. SKSadia Khan
  ... I believe.
11. LHLewis Howes
  What is the genera- what is the age generation of, in your opinion, of the highest ... amount of narcissistic men and women? Is it people from 15 to 22? Is it 20s to 30s? Like, what is the age group that you see as the most extreme narcissists?
12. SKSadia Khan
  I would imagine it would be from 15 to 25. This is without actual any research onto it. I would imagine so because they're, they're, um, raised to d- serve their desires, not serve others. We have raised children to serve themselves in every way, shape, and form, so whether that is through a, you know, a pornographic intimate set, sending each other Snapchats of each other nude. This is something that was alien. Like, in our generation, it was unheard of, but the average 12-year-old is now put under pressure to send nudes to the other aver- ... And one thing I had recently-
13. LHLewis Howes
  Really? 12-year-olds?
14. SKSadia Khan
  12-year-olds. I used to be a teacher, so I used to experience this a lot, where children-
15. LHLewis Howes
  12-year-olds are sending nudes on Snapchat to each other?
16. SKSadia Khan
  Sending nudes to each other. Uh, yeah, coerced to all voluntary, uh, voluntary. Well, I-
17. LHLewis Howes
  Just to get more attention, right? Or to get-
18. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah. And what's so weird is when you work with children, you ... We're always told, told about predators, and we're always told about sexual assault from old predators, but you would be so surprised at the level and age of sexual predators now. They're aged between 12 and 15 now. Uh, we're, 12 to th- 15-year-olds are now becoming predatory because they're so saturated by sex that they've dehumanized connection, and they see it as part of growing up.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Well, I mean, why would a 12 or 13 or 15-year-old girl send a nude to another 12, 13, or 15-year-old boy?
20. SKSadia Khan
  Um, because they're growing up with role models who post on OnlyFans. They're growing up being told that you don't actually need an education. You can make $50,000 a month if you just post the right pictures online. So when you are told that, and you are bored to death in a maths class, and you're being told to learn, uh, like, uh, you know, about parameters of a rectangle that you don't care about, or you can see a really sexy girl talk about how much money she's making, where is a child going to go? Particularly when they're not raised in a home or environment which boosts their self-esteem and, uh, emphasizes internal morals. So what, where are our children going to go? It's not their fault at all. It's the society we've created and what we've glamorized and highlighted for children.
21. LHLewis Howes
  That's interesting because Martha, my girlfriend, she'll say to my ... That her dad did a really great job when she was, you know, 10, 11, 12, 13, when boys started to sh- show attention, right?
22. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Sh- he did a really great job, I'm paraphrasing what she told me, that he used to say, "Listen, guys are gonna tell you you're beautiful, and you already know that."
24. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
25. LHLewis Howes
  "So don't be wowed when they say you're beautiful, you're pretty, you look attractive. Like-
26. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm
27. LHLewis Howes
  ... know that you have other values to contribute, and if they don't see those other things, then okay, just, they're friends, you know? But don't buy into that type of game."
28. SKSadia Khan
  Well, and don't let that be the most interesting thing about you.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Exactly.
30. SKSadia Khan
  And I, uh, what I find a little bit strange about being online is I'll get a lot of comments about my makeup and my appearance or whatever it is, which is very, very nice. Um, but I didn't understand why that would even be part of the conversation, and I would imagine it's because they assume that if you have a certain appearance, why would you even bother working on your, uh, education? Because they almost see it as binary. You, if you've got l- one, you don't need the other, but you absolutely need the other. You abso- because it's the only thing that will exist forever. Your looks is the only depreciating asset you have.
15:28 – 19:21
Fragile Identities, Looks and Financial vs Emotional Connection
1. LHLewis Howes
  Because what happens when the looks start to fade in women who've only put their value in their physical appearance? What happens?
2. SKSadia Khan
  Well, what happens is they end up with men who are equally shallow. Here's the thing. If I'm just a pretty face, I'm gonna end up with a man who only likes pretty faces. Now, the reality is that man is so easily distracted with the next pretty face and the next 25-year-old and the next ... So what will happen is you're in a constant competition with people you can't compete with for the rest of your life. And similarly, if I was somebody who just sold sex and just, uh, I'm going to find a man who's addicted to sex, and men that are addicted to sex will always want novelty. You'll never be enough. So reality is when you pr- create your identity on something so fragile, you attract somebody who's also very fragile, and then you end up in a lonely cycle unfortunately. Yeah. Whereas when you develop something deep, you attract someone deeper, and your connection tends to be more long-lasting, God willing. It tends to be more long-lasting.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Right. I think I heard you share recently online something about, like, financial connection and emotional connection.
4. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah. Yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Can you explain more about that?
6. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah. I think what's happening, unfortunately men are being indoctrinated into thinking that as long as you provide financially, you can get the hottest girl in the world, and as a result, you, you're a high-value man, and you've, you've made it. But essentially, when you lead with finances you attract a woman who's emotionally detached because emotionally present women, uh, finances does not compensate for lack of quality time. No matter how rich a man is, she wants quality time. Whereas emotionally detached women, they don't care if you're gone for six months on a business trip, as long as they've got a bag and a house and a Rolls-Royce and whatever it is. So when you're that man, you're gonna attract that woman.
7. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
8. SKSadia Khan
  So you think, "I'm providing her with everything. She's not gonna go anywhere." She's thinking, "You've provided me with everything. Now I can go somewhere."
9. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
10. SKSadia Khan
  So you're actually, you'll, you've lured yourself into a false sense of security. A lot of really successful men will look at a woman and think, "I've given her everything. She's not gonna go anywhere." She, because she's got external kind of extrinsic value, she's thinking, "I've now got everything from this guy. Where do I go next?" So-
11. LHLewis Howes
  What more can I get?
12. SKSadia Khan
  What more can I get?
13. LHLewis Howes
  From somewhere else.
14. SKSadia Khan
  From somewhere else.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Holy cow.
16. SKSadia Khan
  And so unfortunately-
17. LHLewis Howes
  So why is there not loyalty when a, a m- a financially You know, a stable man who's able to provide finances to their partner. Why is that loyalty not there?
18. SKSadia Khan
  Because they, the glue of the relationship is broken.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Superficial.
20. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah, it's superficial. The glue they used was superficial. The glue he, that he's relying on is physical attraction, and the glue she's relying is financial stability. The glue is weak, whereas if the glue was emotional intimacy, absolutely you can get loyalty. You can't beat emotional intimacy when it comes to loyalty. Once you have emotional intimacy, it, you, you really, it's very difficult for somebody to be your competition because they know you in a way that nobody else can, and you can be vulnerable in a way nobody else can. But when you deprive your relationship of emotional intimacy, every single person is a competition, and this is something these people with junk values don't realize.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
22. SKSadia Khan
  Unfortunately. [laughs] Like, uh, but did you find that hard, like, I mean, being so financially successful? Did you find it would attract the wrong kinda women?
23. LHLewis Howes
  Um, yeah. I've, I've always been in relationships.
24. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
25. LHLewis Howes
  And so, uh, you know, I wasn't, like, single for three years-
26. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
27. LHLewis Howes
  ... and was like, uh, just attracting everyone. I was-
28. SKSadia Khan
  You were always with-
29. LHLewis Howes
  ... kind of like I, I loved intimacy, so I was more like diving into a commitment as quickly as I, if I found someone, like-
30. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
19:21 – 26:16
Who Cheats and Why: Masculinity, Femininity and Needs
1. SKSadia Khan
  Is it like that in LA? It's very much like that in cities.
2. LHLewis Howes
  I think it's ex- I think it's extreme in LA, obviously, but-
3. SKSadia Khan
  Extreme, yeah. And unfortunately, because I come from Dubai, and I live in London, and stuff like that, I, I focus on the extremities. I know in simple villages this doesn't happen.
4. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs] Right, right.
5. SKSadia Khan
  Uh, but unfortunately, um, I'm not privy to that. They, they tend to be healthy, and they don't even watch my content.
6. LHLewis Howes
  Right, right.
7. SKSadia Khan
  They're, they're happy, and they've got their kids, and they walk their dogs. The people that watch are the ones that's struggling, and they're usually similar kind of issues. There's only three or four issues that all my clients will have.
8. LHLewis Howes
  What is that?
9. SKSadia Khan
  Um, infidelity, um, uh, men using, uh, men in very much, uh, tr- infidelity on part of the woman.
10. LHLewis Howes
  Women cheat more than men?
11. SKSadia Khan
  Far more.
12. LHLewis Howes
  Come on.
13. SKSadia Khan
  Far, far more.
14. LHLewis Howes
  Come on.
15. SKSadia Khan
  Uh, far for, and the w-
16. LHLewis Howes
  Why do you say women cheat more than men?
17. SKSadia Khan
  Um, because they're in denial about the infidelity. When they cheat, they don't even label it as that. When if a woman starts cheating-
18. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs] What do they label it as?
19. SKSadia Khan
  They label it as my husband's no longer satisfying me. They won't even say, "I'm cheating." They'll say, "My husband isn't satis-" They find a way to redirect and shift the terminology so that they are void of guilt.
20. LHLewis Howes
  Really?
21. SKSadia Khan
  Absolutely.
22. LHLewis Howes
  So how do, how do we know women are cheating more than men? What is it like?
23. SKSadia Khan
  I, I will-
24. LHLewis Howes
  Is this public knowledge? Is there surveys?
25. SKSadia Khan
  Well, uh-
26. LHLewis Howes
  Are you just hearing this from the people you're coaching?
27. SKSadia Khan
  The people I'm coaching because firstly you'll know, it's simple signs that you'll know. Firstly, when the guy ... I, I always say infidelity is a result of men not being masculine and women not being feminine. And what I mean by this is if a woman is cheating, it's because she has a man that accepts unacceptable because he is unwilling to walk away when his boundaries are broken. So what will happen is when women meet that man, with a good woman with good morals, and this, she doesn't want that man. She's like, "I don't wanna be-"
28. LHLewis Howes
  She'll, she'll, she'll leave.
29. SKSadia Khan
  She'll leave. She'll replace him with somebody who has boundaries that suit her morals. But a woman who-
30. LHLewis Howes
  But she won't cheat because she'll have the values-
26:16 – 30:31
What Makes a High-Value Man: Self-Control
1. LHLewis Howes
  So we ... I hear a lot about this high-value man and high-value women and all these things online.
2. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
3. LHLewis Howes
  You know, and the high-value man is someone who's making over six figures-
4. SKSadia Khan
  Also-
5. LHLewis Howes
  ... and over six feet tall, and whatever it is.
6. SKSadia Khan
  Like, like Mr. Howes over here. [laughs]
7. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
8. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Um, but what is it that men can do to become more high-value than just their financial abundance and their height? How can they be a high-value man, whether they have money or they have height or any of that stuff?
10. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm. Have complete and utter self-control. And what I mean by that is you try and control your mind, body, and soul in a way that would lead to positive long-term outcomes for you as a man. If you get to the gym and you eat right, your long-term body, body will appreciate that. If you save your money, you don't waste it on alcohol and clubs and this, that, and the ... Your long-term self who will be able to invest in, uh, Net- uh, uh, s- I was gonna say Netflix. Not Netflix, NFTs and all that [laughs] whatever-
11. LHLewis Howes
  Ah, yeah, yeah
12. SKSadia Khan
  ... whatever it is that businesses. Your long-term pa- uh, self will appreciate that. If you're able to dedicate some time to some spirituality or something to disconnect from this world, your long-term anxiety will appreciate that.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
14. SKSadia Khan
  So a man who ma- has complete and utter self-control and makes responsible decisions that serve him in the long run is truly high-value. Somebody who can resist short-term desires and short-term temptations for long-term goals, who can shake a man like that?
15. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
16. SKSadia Khan
  A man who can resist having sex with every single woman because he doesn't wanna get the wrong woman pregnant, who can res- who could shake a man like that? Whereas a man with no self-control, the ... You know, any woman can distract him. Any money can distract him. Any opportunity can distract him. He is malleable. That doesn't ... You can't be high valuable, uh, high-value and malleable at the same time. So it's having an identity that's constructed on self-control that will make you high-value. It doesn't matter how tall you are, how short you are, how rich you are, how broke you are. If you've got no self-control, you're a weak man, unfortunately. It's very difficult to have self-control, but if they can master it, they're incredible.
17. LHLewis Howes
  So what I'm hearing you say is women should really be looking for that quality in the partner they're choosing.
18. SKSadia Khan
  Self-control.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Not, "Okay, he's tall, dark, and handsome," or whatever it is these days. I don't ... I guess women are more into, like, the skinny, like, artistic guy, whatever. It's always, like, changing, right?
20. SKSadia Khan
  Whatever it is. [laughs]
21. LHLewis Howes
  But he's a certain look, and he's got a certain amount of money. He's a high-value man.
22. SKSadia Khan
  If he hasn't got self-control, he's a liability to you and your children.
23. LHLewis Howes
  [sighs]
24. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah, and you have to remember that. So many-
25. LHLewis Howes
  What happens when you get in a relationship with a man who on paper looks like they have everything?
26. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Great career. They've got money. They've got the car. They've got the house. They're put together, dress well, groomed, perfect height, you know, all these different things, great friends, great network, but they lack self-control. What will happen down the line, relationship, marriage, kids?
28. SKSadia Khan
  Unfortunately, what that might look like is if you lack self-control, it might look like, um, indulging with other women. It might look like, um, gambling your money away. It might look like eating and consuming the wrong kind of drugs or whatever it is. A lack of self-control will lead, uh, to, uh, p- a man down a path where he will no longer be able to recognize himself.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
30. SKSadia Khan
  Whereas self-control, he has a consistent identity from the day he's born until the day he dies because he dictates his future. Even if he wants to have a day of no control- It was his choice.
30:31 – 32:18
You Can't Change Your Partner: Boundaries and Outgrowing
1. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah, I mean, and I wanna get to the women's side here, like what the, what a high-value woman-
2. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... is and should be-
4. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
5. LHLewis Howes
  ... defined by. Um, but you really can't change your partner that much.
6. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah. No. Absolutely not.
7. LHLewis Howes
  You, you, once someone has chosen, "This is my identity-
8. SKSadia Khan
  This is wh-
9. LHLewis Howes
  ... this is who I am," they have to be the ones who say, "I want to improve, grow, transform, heal, change," but not, you're not gonna be able to influence them over and over to be exactly what you want.
10. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
11. LHLewis Howes
  So if you try, if you think, "I'm gonna get married to this person, and then I'm gonna control them," it's gonna be, they're gonna be miserable-
12. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
13. LHLewis Howes
  ... when you're controlling them and trying to change them.
14. SKSadia Khan
  Absolutely, and also, you've shown them that you accept their unacceptable behavior, so they can't change and respect you.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
16. SKSadia Khan
  So let's say, for example, I choose a man who's a compulsive gambler. I've already chosen him. He already knows I have low boundaries.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
18. SKSadia Khan
  So I've a- he, I've already shown him I accept the unacceptable. So say if tomorrow he became a really great guy, uh, he's not gonna want me. He's gonna outgrow this woman with no boundaries who accepts the unacceptable. Women think he's gonna be like, "Oh, I'm so grateful to my ride or die." He's really gonna be like, "I've outgrown this person," as he should.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
20. SKSadia Khan
  Because he shouldn't be with a woman that accepts the unacceptable, because she's not compatible with the new him. Sim- same thing with men and women. You-
21. LHLewis Howes
  She might feel, like, inferior as he's transforming and growing if she's not willing to do it together with him, it's almost like-
22. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah, absolutely. There is no boundaries, and-
23. LHLewis Howes
  Wow
24. SKSadia Khan
  ... yeah, and we as, like, when, it's like when you have a manager at work that lets you come in late, lets you, you know, drink on the job, lets you d- uh, take days off. If one day they stamp their authority, you're gonna be like, "Mm, I'm not listening to you."
25. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
26. SKSadia Khan
  But w- um, when you decide to be better at your job, you're gonna want a new workplace, because you want better manager, you want better structure. So same thing happens in all human connections-
27. LHLewis Howes
  Uh-huh
28. SKSadia Khan
  ... unfortunately.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Absolutely.
30. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
32:18 – 36:12
What a High-Value Woman Is: Intrinsic vs Extrinsic Values
1. LHLewis Howes
  So it seems to me that, and correct me if I'm wrong, that in today's society, a how, a high-value woman is someone who is beautiful, attractive, has a, you know, young body-
2. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... and gets lots of attention from men online.
4. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  It seems to me like a desirable, high-value woman is perceived that-
6. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm
7. LHLewis Howes
  ... in today. Correct me if I'm wrong.
8. SKSadia Khan
  Absolutely, I would agree.
9. LHLewis Howes
  What do you think men should be looking at as what a high-value woman is?
10. SKSadia Khan
  I think, um, what they classify as a high-value woman is actually truly a narcissistic woman.
11. LHLewis Howes
  [sighs]
12. SKSadia Khan
  And what they should be looking at is a woman who has intrinsic rather than extrinsic values.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
14. SKSadia Khan
  And what I mean by that is when you select a woman who enjo- enjoys, um, explosive kind of attention from men, you're selecting a woman who will never be satisfied with you.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, man.
16. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm, unfortunately.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
18. SKSadia Khan
  And you're selecting a woman who relies on external validation for self-esteem, and that will never go in that woman. What you really should be looking at is a woman who has intrinsic values. And now these are things like how connected I am to my friends and family, how much do I serve my community, how much can I look after you and your wellbeing, how much self-esteem do I derive from having a purpose and, uh, loving those around me? Unfortunately, they look at what is packaged the best way, and that woman is, u- uh, unfortunately, she's unattainable because she's emotionally broken. To require that much validation can't be healthy. And I say this as a woman who's online myself. I know, and people could very much argue the same for me. But one thing I noticed is if I look at my DMs, they're endless, and I don't show skin, I don't show body. It's not that kind of content. So I think, and it annoys me. I'll see it, and I'll just quickly, you know, this is nonsense. Um, so imagine being a woman who only p- posts ex- things that cr- uh, create external validation. At least I'll get a few messages saying, "I love your content," blah, blah, blah, but you're just posting your body. You're just getting, "I love your tits. I love your boobs. I lo-" This is a woman who wants that. Why would you, why on Earth would you think that woman is now going to be able to serve you, and your family, and your children in a, a wholesome manner? She's not, she's not equipped for it.
19. LHLewis Howes
  But again, I'm assuming that people might be commenting or saying, "Well, this is, you know, don't, don't diminish my self-expression."
20. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm.
21. LHLewis Howes
  "This makes me feel great. I can do what I want. I wanna express myself. I wanna post bikini photos all day long."
22. SKSadia Khan
  Absolutely.
23. LHLewis Howes
  "So I'm allowed to do whatever I want."
24. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
25. LHLewis Howes
  "And I like it. I like expressing myself. I'm a, you know, it's who I am."
26. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm.
27. LHLewis Howes
  "Don't tell me what to do," all these different things. So, you know, what do you say to someone that might be feeling that way?
28. SKSadia Khan
  Express away. Express away, but don't expect that woman to be wholesome. She can express however she wants. I could sit there and express myself through nudes, and bikini pictures, et cetera, but then don't put wholesome, traditional values as- don't assign them to me, because I'm not assigning them to myself. So if she's expressing her, that, herself that way, you as a man, how dare you expect her to have these complete opposite values?
29. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
30. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah? So just accept her for who she is. She's not wrong. I'm not actually saying she's wrong, by the way. I actually don't think there's anything wrong in that, but have a realistic expectation of what that woman's gonna bring to your life.
36:12 – 43:29
Pornography's Effect on Men, Women and Intimacy
1. LHLewis Howes
  You've been coaching, uh, people for a while now.
2. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
3. LHLewis Howes
  And you said there are, what? What are the main themes you see that people struggle with the most in your, your one-on-one or online coaching?
4. SKSadia Khan
  I would find that s- the main thing for men is the addiction to pornography. Yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  How many men are addicted to pornography today?
6. SKSadia Khan
  I, I would say that unfortunately, in the younger generation ... Here's the problem with the, the addiction to pornography. When I have a man on the phone to me, and he's got a ... And this is irrelevant whether he's handsome, not handsome, whatever he is, in shape, not in shape, but he's having struggles with women. He's having some problem with women. They're either transactional, using him, cheating on him, whatever it is. I don't ask any question other than, "Are you addicted to pornography?" That's the first question. They'll come to me on the phone and say this, "My, well, my girlfriend's doing this. I don't how to get over." First question I ask is, "Are you addicted to pornography?" Because there's a masochism in there, in there that they don't realize. And they'll say, "No, no, no, I'm not addicted to pornography. I watch it maybe twice a week, three times a week," or whatever. But I don't, to, I, I don't know if that's healthy. I don't think there's any level that's healthy. And what pornography does, unfortunately, what pornography does to men is it allows them intense gratification without the fear of rejection. And what men need is re- uh, rejection in order to build their bravery and redirect them. If I'm really overweight or if I'm not making a lot of money, I'm living in my mom's basement, and I go out into the dating world, I realize women don't find that attractive, so I redirect myself. I, uh, I'll-
7. LHLewis Howes
  You have to improve. You have to overcome. You have to let go. You have to-
8. SKSadia Khan
  And learn from the feedback
9. LHLewis Howes
  ... and have courage to take consistent action and build self-control.
10. SKSadia Khan
  Exactly. But unfor- what pornography allows me to do is maintain that state whilst getting the gratification I want. And the other thing it does to men is it blurs their true value. So they will see these beautiful women online, go into the real world, and say if he's a 4 out of 10, he should be aiming for a 4 out of 10 woman, but he'll think, "I, I, I don't want that girl. I'm not attracted to this girl." And they'll be aiming for the 12 out of 10s, and they can only access them through escorts or through, uh ... I mean, in America they call it passport bros. Have you heard of that concept?
11. LHLewis Howes
  Passport what?
12. SKSadia Khan
  Where they go to, like, maybe the Philippines, or they go to other countries-
13. LHLewis Howes
  Uh-huh
14. SKSadia Khan
  ... and marry women, and, you know-
15. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, wow
16. SKSadia Khan
  ... yeah, kind of like a 90 day. Then they try and do it that way instead-
17. LHLewis Howes
  Wow
18. SKSadia Khan
  ... to access those type of womens because they've been so addicted to pornography, they've got a skewed perception of what their true value is and what their true match is.
19. LHLewis Howes
  What do you think pornography is doing to the male brain chemically?
20. SKSadia Khan
  Um, it's making them incapable of connection both physically and emotionally. Physically, they have erectile dysfunction, and I'm talking to 28-year-old boys that will have e- erectile dysfunction, and they can't perform. And emotionally, a porn doesn't model intimacy. It actually models how to make hate with a woman-
21. LHLewis Howes
  Wow
22. SKSadia Khan
  ... not how to make love. So they learn how to spit on women. They learn how to degrade women. They know how to make fun of minorities. They n- learn all of these things, and they think they're learning all these skills. But when you speak to women, they'll say the least satisfying, uh, sexual encounter is with a man that's addicted to porn because he's reenacting and not reading her body.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
24. SKSadia Khan
  He's not learning intimacy.
25. LHLewis Howes
  He's not intuitive.
26. SKSadia Khan
  He's not. He-
27. LHLewis Howes
  He's not connected.
28. SKSadia Khan
  Not at all.
29. LHLewis Howes
  He's not there in the moment.
30. SKSadia Khan
  So not only is he doing all these moves that she's not connecting with-
43:29 – 46:46
Flag One: Childhood and Attraction to Chaos
1. LHLewis Howes
  What would you say are the, uh, the big, three big flags that a, a man or a woman should look out for when they're entering a new dating relationship?
2. SKSadia Khan
  Unfortunately, and I really hate to say this because we can't really control this, is, but your childhood. Uh, unfortunately your childhood creates an embedded, a kind of conflict between you and love. When we have a chaotic childhood, what we do is we create a core belief about ourselves that we're not worthy of love, we don't deserve love, or love, love is painful. And because that's a core belief, we go through life looking for somebody to validate that core belief. Now, if I meet somebody loving even, I will still try and create that core belief and make love chaotic. So I, or I'll sabotage or do something. So unfortunately you have to look at their childhood. Now, it doesn't mean if they've got a bad childhood, they're written off, but if they haven't acknowledged the impact, you're gonna be-
3. LHLewis Howes
  And started the healing process
4. SKSadia Khan
  ... you're gonna be the punching bag.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, man, I've been-
6. SKSadia Khan
  Unfortunately
7. LHLewis Howes
  ... I've been punched a lot.
8. SKSadia Khan
  Have you noticed that as well? [laughs]
9. LHLewis Howes
  I've been punched a lot in my past.
10. SKSadia Khan
  What kind of things do women bring, like, in their past childhood? What-
11. LHLewis Howes
  Um, well, I think, you know, I think it's the responsibility of each partner to, to ask those questions.
12. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
13. LHLewis Howes
  To, to... You know, and I lacked the inability to... I saw that, and that was what attracted me 'cause I was wounded in my childhood, right?
14. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
15. LHLewis Howes
  So it's like, "Okay, we're both wounded. We're in this together."
16. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
17. LHLewis Howes
  So I was the punching bag and kept a, kept sticking around 'cause I lacked the courage, confidence, the, you know, skills, the security in self to walk away from the feeling of love and intimacy, the feeling of connection, the-
18. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
19. LHLewis Howes
  ... the false feeling.
20. SKSadia Khan
  Well, well, that broken childhood gives women some intensity-
21. LHLewis Howes
  Uh-huh
22. SKSadia Khan
  ... that makes a man feel really loved in the moment.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Absolutely.
24. SKSadia Khan
  And it's honestly, they give you really passionate kind of sexual relations as well because they, they almost treat you like you're temporary, because they know you're f-
25. LHLewis Howes
  The chemistry is-
26. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
27. LHLewis Howes
  ... explosive, right? But it doesn't mean it's healthy.
28. SKSadia Khan
  It's not healthy.
29. LHLewis Howes
  And I've heard you talk about this. I've talked about this as well. It's like if a, if a person you're meeting feels boring-
30. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
46:46 – 51:34
Flags Two and Three: Boundaries vs Self-Sabotage, Cooperation vs Competition
1. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah. Second thing I would say is do they set boundaries or do they self-sabotage? And they're two very different things. People think boundaries means, "Oh, you upset me. I'm never speaking to you again. I don't tolerate nonsense. I've got boundaries." That's not how boundaries work. Boundaries are actually instructions to help teach the person how to love you. So my boundary might be as simple as, "Okay, take the shoes off when you go into the living room."
2. LHLewis Howes
  Yes.
3. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah, that's a boundary. Self-sabotage is not saying anything and be like, "Oh my God, he wore his shoes on my, in my living room. I'm never speaking to him again." So I would say the ability to communicate boundaries in a way that will bring you closer rather than simply kind of drawing lines and running away. And so I think effective boundaries is a really important red or green flag.
4. LHLewis Howes
  That's a, that's been a game changer for me with Martha because we, we really created agreements early on.
5. SKSadia Khan
  Oh, amazing. What kind of agreements?
6. LHLewis Howes
  Man, we did so many early on. They were just like, anytime there might've been a little like, "Oh, that didn't feel that good," or disturbance-
7. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
8. LHLewis Howes
  ... as opposed to us just letting it slide, each one of us were like I don't know if I like that. I'm not saying you're wrong here-
9. SKSadia Khan
  Mm-hmm
10. LHLewis Howes
  ... but I would just like for us to create this agreement-
11. SKSadia Khan
  Uh-huh
12. LHLewis Howes
  ... so that I don't feel weird and, and I don't feel like you're taking advantage, or whatever it might be. So-
13. SKSadia Khan
  And what was it like previous?
14. LHLewis Howes
  One of, one of them was, one of them was like, you know, early in a relationship you're talking all the time.
15. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah.
16. LHLewis Howes
  Morning, day, and night.
17. SKSadia Khan
  Uh-huh.
18. LHLewis Howes
  And there was a couple of times where it was like, 1:00 AM we had some, like, minor disturbances. There was like, just confusion. We're both tired. It's not getting... It's getting in a loop. We're not finding a resolution to this-
19. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
20. LHLewis Howes
  ... like, challenge. And so we both came to the a- agreement, like, "Let's not have these conversations in bed."
21. SKSadia Khan
  Right.
22. LHLewis Howes
  Like, it doesn't really seem to go well these last couple times. It's not like it was horrible or explosive, but it's just like, we woke up tired, like, we didn't find a resolution. It didn't feel good. Let's just have the conversation during the day when we're both awake.
23. SKSadia Khan
  Okay.
24. LHLewis Howes
  Not when we hit the bed and then we start talking about something that was-
25. SKSadia Khan
  Yeah
26. LHLewis Howes
  ... upsetting. And that has created so much peace-
27. SKSadia Khan
  It has?
28. LHLewis Howes
  ... because we both have an agreement.
29. SKSadia Khan
  Amazing.
30. LHLewis Howes
  We created a healthy boundary by calling it an agreement.