Why You FEEL LOST In Life & How To Find Your TRUE SELF AGAIN | Marisa Peer & Lewis Howes

1. 0:00 – 0:47

   Rewriting your self-talk: why “better lies” can heal self-love

   1. MPMarisa Peer0:00

      So the way you talk to yourself, the way you dialogue with you is the big key to self-love. The problem is the mind is like a missile. It, it wants to go there, but it keeps going there if it doesn't really know what you want. "I want love, but it would kill me to be rejected."

   2. LHLewis Howes0:17

      Mm.

   3. MPMarisa Peer0:17

      "I want success, but am I really gonna give up all the things I love?"

   4. LHLewis Howes0:23

      I think you gotta have a dream. The School of Greatness. Really? [laughs] Yeah. Please welcome Lewis Howes. We talked about this before on the show about the s- the lies we tell ourselves.

   5. MPMarisa Peer0:32

      Mm.

   6. LHLewis Howes0:32

      And the stories we tell ourselves, and a lot of us tell ourselves really bad lies.

   7. MPMarisa Peer0:37

      Mm.

   8. LHLewis Howes0:38

      And you said we need to start telling ourselves better lies. I'm curious, why do we need to do that, and how can that help us start manifesting things in a different way in our lives?

2. 0:47 – 2:05

   Why the mind believes your internal lies—and how to replace them

   1. MPMarisa Peer0:47

      Well, you know, our greatest pain is from the lies we tell ourselves.

   2. LHLewis Howes0:51

      Mm.

   3. MPMarisa Peer0:52

      If you said to someone you're breaking up with, "I don't love you anymore, you're boring," or, "You're not sexy," or, uh, "I found someone else," that's very hurtful. But we can go, "They got an agenda." We can almost account, "My boss said I was terrible, but he's having a bad day." But the lies we tell ourselves, the mind doesn't go, "Well, you're having a bad day. You have an agenda." It believes they must be true. And the simplicity is if you are prepared to lie to yourself, which you clearly are when you're going the size of a house. "If I look at a cake-"

   4. LHLewis Howes1:25

      Mm

   5. MPMarisa Peer1:25

      ... "I gain a pound. My kid is making me want to jump out of a window. This freeway will be the death of me." See, none of those things are true. "I'm... I could eat a horse." We, we know that can't possibly be true. But if you're prepared to lie to yourself, why not tell yourself a better lie?

   6. LHLewis Howes1:43

      Mm.

   7. MPMarisa Peer1:43

      Because your mind doesn't know, and it really doesn't care if what you tell it is good or bad, true or false. So a simple thing, "I got a memory like a sieve." "I have an excellent memory." "I'm falling apart." "I got great coping skills." "If I look at a cake, I gain weight." "I have a phenomenal metabolic rate." You see?

   8. LHLewis Howes2:05

      Mm.

3. 2:05 – 3:24

   Thoughts create physical reactions: the pumpkin pie imagination test

   1. MPMarisa Peer2:05

      Every thought you think, you make real. And if you doubt that, think of this. If you think of something embarrassing, you will blush. If you think of something sad, your eyes will fill up with tears. If you think of food, your stomach rumbles. If you think of something sexy, you can get physically aroused. Whatever thought you are thinking, your body is very busy making it real.

   2. LHLewis Howes2:26

      Mm.

   3. MPMarisa Peer2:26

      And if you tell yourself a better lie, your body will work very hard to make that thought real.

   4. LHLewis Howes2:33

      Yeah, it's like I can imagine I'm having, um, a pumpkin pie right now, right?

   5. MPMarisa Peer2:37

      Yeah.

   6. LHLewis Howes2:38

      I can imagine like-

   7. MPMarisa Peer2:39

      Sure

   8. LHLewis Howes2:39

      ... the smell of pumpkin.

   9. MPMarisa Peer2:40

      Yeah.

   10. LHLewis Howes2:40

       I can... And the taste, and I'll start to salivate.

   11. MPMarisa Peer2:42

       Sure.

   12. LHLewis Howes2:42

       My body will start to salivate thinking there's a pumpkin pie in front of me.

   13. MPMarisa Peer2:46

       Of course.

   14. LHLewis Howes2:47

       Imagining chewing into the crust-

   15. MPMarisa Peer2:49

       Mm

   16. LHLewis Howes2:49

       ... of the pumpkin pie, the sweetness, and I'll start to feel it in my body. Although there's n-

   17. MPMarisa Peer2:55

       Yeah

   18. LHLewis Howes2:55

       ... it's a lie.

   19. MPMarisa Peer2:55

       Of course.

   20. LHLewis Howes2:56

       There's nothing in front of me right now.

   21. MPMarisa Peer2:57

       Yeah.

   22. LHLewis Howes2:58

       Just like there could be, uh, you know, my girlfriend could walk in front of me, but she's not in front of me.

   23. MPMarisa Peer3:02

       Yeah.

   24. LHLewis Howes3:02

       And I can feel something. I can imagine and think about it.

   25. MPMarisa Peer3:04

       Yeah, that's why when you read letters, you get tears in your eyes.

   26. LHLewis Howes3:08

       Mm.

   27. MPMarisa Peer3:08

       You look at pictures, you go, "Oh, I'm remembering that." So every thought you think causes both a physical reaction and an emotional response. So if you think better thoughts, you have to get better emotional reactions and better responses.

4. 3:24 – 5:45

   Changing the meaning of your past: events vs. interpretations

   1. LHLewis Howes3:24

      What, what about memories then? What if we have memories that were real in our lives, that was like, "Okay, I used to be overweight," or, "Someone did dump me-"

   2. MPMarisa Peer3:33

      Mm

   3. LHLewis Howes3:33

      ... and there was this pain.

   4. MPMarisa Peer3:34

      Yeah.

   5. LHLewis Howes3:34

      There was this thing. How do we tell ourself a better lie or story around memories of the past so they don't keep hurting us today?

   6. MPMarisa Peer3:43

      Mm. Well, you know, that's a great question, because an event will affect you. But you know what really affects you about an event? The meaning you attach to it.

   7. LHLewis Howes3:52

      Mm. Yeah.

   8. MPMarisa Peer3:53

      So I could say, "I wasn't the favorite kid. My sister was the favorite. My brother was the smart kid, my sister was the pretty kid, and I felt like this thing in the middle, this kind of thing."

   9. LHLewis Howes4:04

      Right.

   10. MPMarisa Peer4:05

       And I can go back and go-

   11. LHLewis Howes4:06

       Lost, lost in the middle or something, yeah.

   12. MPMarisa Peer4:07

       Yeah, so what does that mean? It means what I've decided to make it mean. I've decided I'm really glad, 'cause it gave me a, "I'll show you. You wanna write me off-"

   13. LHLewis Howes4:15

       Mm

   14. MPMarisa Peer4:15

       ... "but I'll show you." So we can all look back at our past and go, "I should've been a girl. Should've been a boy. Should've been academic. My parents wanted that." But, you know, don't make someone else's story your story. My mother's story, "I should've been someone else's baby," was always her story. It traumatized her entire life, but it wasn't my story. It was her story.

   15. LHLewis Howes4:41

       Yeah.

   16. MPMarisa Peer4:41

       And when people say, "My mother said, 'Oh, you can't trust your own shadow. Don't trust men. Don't trust people.'" It's very important to go, "Well, that's your story. You wanted a boy, and I was the third girl. You wanted a girl, and I was the fourth boy."

   17. LHLewis Howes4:57

       Mm.

   18. MPMarisa Peer4:58

       But it's in saying, "But that's your story. My story is I'm meant to be here. I'm meant to be me. I got something to offer the world, even if I don't know what it is." So the significance of an event is linked to what you make of it. "I was given up for adoption. That means I wasn't loved."

   19. LHLewis Howes5:16

       Mm.

   20. MPMarisa Peer5:16

       But it could mean, "My parents loved me so much they sacrificed the joy of having me to let someone else raise me to give me a better life." It, it's always the, the meaning that you attach to an event. And the very good news is, you know what? You can change the meaning like that anytime you like.

   21. LHLewis Howes5:39

       So even if we've held onto a meaning for 20, 30 years about something, it's still possible to change it later in life?

5. 5:45 – 8:51

   Abandonment, self-blame, and updating the ‘old lie’

   1. MPMarisa Peer5:45

      Yeah. And when you go back and meet these people, they go, "Oh, no, I didn't mean that. I always told you you were rubbish 'cause I thought it would make you smarter. I always told you you were stupid 'cause I hoped it would make you intelligent. I told you I didn't love you because I felt inadequate." You know, the amount of fathers I meet who go, "I never see my kids." 'Cause I'm useless

   2. LHLewis Howes6:07

      Mm.

   3. MPMarisa Peer6:08

      I would just damage them.

   4. LHLewis Howes6:09

      Wow.

   5. MPMarisa Peer6:10

      I thought the best thing I could do is to remove myself from their life so their mom would find a better dad. And they really have no concept of how that damages the child, that they say, "The best thing I could do was be away from you. I was a crazy alcoholic. I didn't want to pass that on, so I left you to benefit you." But the child doesn't hear. The child thinks, "You left me 'cause I wasn't worth being with." That's the problem. The minute a child feels abandoned, they never blame the abandoned. "My dad left 'cause he's crazy-"

   6. LHLewis Howes6:42

      Mm

   7. MPMarisa Peer6:42

      ... "'cause he's a drunk."

   8. LHLewis Howes6:43

      They blame themselves.

   9. MPMarisa Peer6:44

      A child never stops loving. They, they immediately stop loving themselves.

   10. LHLewis Howes6:51

       Ah.

   11. MPMarisa Peer6:51

       And that's why you can go back and go, "Okay, so I've been telling myself a lie. My dad left 'cause he didn't love me. My mom brought different boyfriends home every six months 'cause I didn't make her happy." And then you go back and go, "Oh, but that's not true. My mother loved me very much, but she couldn't cope. She gave me to my grandmother because she thought I'd be better off." So when you go back-

   12. LHLewis Howes7:15

       Mm

   13. MPMarisa Peer7:15

       ... and revisit the lie and update it, you realize, oh, so what's true is what I decide to be true. Some guy dumped me. You know, I, I worked with somebody recently who said that her first experience with her first boyfriend was him saying to her, "You're, you're rubbish in bed." And the second boyfriend dumped her because he came from a different country and she could speak his language, he couldn't speak hers, and he later told her, "I felt so stupid in front of you."

   14. LHLewis Howes7:45

       Mm.

   15. MPMarisa Peer7:45

       "So I sent you a note saying don't ever call me again." And those two men traumatized her so much that she couldn't have a relationship with her husband, who loved her. But then she went back and said, "Well, the first guy was an idiot because-"

   16. LHLewis Howes7:57

       [laughs]

   17. MPMarisa Peer7:58

       "... by the way, his job was to seduce me."

   18. LHLewis Howes8:00

       Mm.

   19. MPMarisa Peer8:00

       "And he did a terrible job. And the second one felt so inadequate around me." You know, I've worked with supermodels who say, "Men put me down. They're so intimidated by looks." They go, "Well, you're not very bright. You've got enormous feet. You know, you're not all that." And they let it in.

   20. LHLewis Howes8:17

       Wow.

   21. MPMarisa Peer8:18

       And I worked with a famous model who said, "Every man I'm with, they start to diminish me 'cause they're intimidated by me, so they start to pick holes in me, and I let them." And it's so important to go back and look at the past and change it. You can change it at-

   22. LHLewis Howes8:35

       Mm

   23. MPMarisa Peer8:35

       ... any time.

   24. LHLewis Howes8:37

       Why do we think we let other people and ourselves speak so negatively to us? We allow other people's words to come in, and then we ref- reaffirm those words to ourselves-

   25. MPMarisa Peer8:49

       Mm

   26. LHLewis Howes8:49

       ... internally. Why do you think we do that so often?

6. 8:51 – 11:10

   Why criticism feels familiar—and how to make praise familiar instead

   1. MPMarisa Peer8:51

      You know, it very much depends on what happens in your childhood.

   2. LHLewis Howes8:54

      Mm.

   3. MPMarisa Peer8:54

      Here's the thing about the mind, and it's really vexing. Your mind is hardwired to go back to what it knows.

   4. LHLewis Howes9:00

      Mm.

   5. MPMarisa Peer9:00

      It always wants to return to what's familiar-

   6. LHLewis Howes9:03

      Familiar

   7. MPMarisa Peer9:03

      ... while resisting what is unfamiliar. If you grew up in a house with a lot of praise and parents who say, "You know, you're a great kid. You've got so much to offer the world," you're gonna find someone who adores you 'cause you've got so much to offer. You will expect that. Unfortunately, that isn't the norm. The norm is criticism.

   8. LHLewis Howes9:19

      Mm.

   9. MPMarisa Peer9:20

      And if criticism is familiar, not only do we reject praise, we actually begin to criticize ourselves. We pick up what we know. You know, if you were brought up in a house with fast food and no vegetables, you don't go, "Hey, I, I need vegetables." We, we... The mind will always go back to what it recognizes because that's what once kept us alive, what we know. Like, if you have a two-year-old kid, they go, "I, I don't want it either. It's got lumps in it. It's the wrong color. I only like pink yogurt in a blue bowl." But what they're really saying is, "I don't know that yogurt with lumps in it. And my brain wants what I know 'cause it keeps us alive." And that's a fact. The mind likes what's familiar. But here's another fact. You can make anything you like familiar. And one of the biggest things to change your life is to make praise familiar. And it can be very simple praise. "I'm a good person. I've got a good heart."

   10. LHLewis Howes10:14

       Mm.

   11. MPMarisa Peer10:14

       "I think good thoughts." You know, I find that one of the most powerful things to do in therapy, and it teaches that a lot in the book, is to think of the words you've always wanted to hear, and to start saying them yourself.

   12. LHLewis Howes10:28

       Mm.

   13. MPMarisa Peer10:28

       So-

   14. LHLewis Howes10:28

       The words you've always wanted to hear from your parents or siblings.

   15. MPMarisa Peer10:30

       Yeah, from anybody.

   16. LHLewis Howes10:31

       Yeah.

   17. MPMarisa Peer10:31

       So you could say, "Okay, if I had a great partner, what would they say to me? If I had great parents, what would they say? If I had a great boss-"

   18. LHLewis Howes10:39

       Mm

   19. MPMarisa Peer10:39

       ... "or amazing friends..." And it's not really rocket science. What would a great parent say? They'd go-

   20. LHLewis Howes10:44

       Right

   21. MPMarisa Peer10:44

       ... "You're a great kid. Gosh, how lucky am I to be your parent?"

   22. LHLewis Howes10:48

       Mm.

   23. MPMarisa Peer10:48

       "What a joy it is to raise you."

   24. LHLewis Howes10:51

       Wow.

   25. MPMarisa Peer10:51

       And many parents don't. What would a great friend say? "I love being your friend. If there was a template for a great friend, you would be it." What would a great partner say? "You're the one. I just love your voice. I love everything about you. You're so smart." What would a great boss say? "You are indispensable to this company." So what we do is you go-

7. 11:10 – 15:13

   Meeting your own needs: ‘I matter’ and becoming lovable from the inside out

   1. LHLewis Howes11:10

      Mm

   2. MPMarisa Peer11:10

      ... "Well, I haven't got that." So we either give it up, "No one's ever gonna give me those words. I'm going to accept I'll never hear them." And we say things, "I never ask for anything, me." Well, what do you then get? Nothing. "But I never ask for anything, so I don't expect anything. I'm in my apartment with my pets. I don't ask for anything." So we give the need up, or we give it away. "I've got to find someone out there to tell me these things."

   3. LHLewis Howes11:36

      Mm.

   4. MPMarisa Peer11:36

      And that works until there's someone out. They get sick or ill, or has their own issues, or they move on. But when you decide, "Hey, I can do that. I can think of what I most want to hear," say it myself, it may sound silly, but it's no sillier than saying, "I'm an idiot."

   5. LHLewis Howes11:54

      Mm.

   6. MPMarisa Peer11:54

      "I've got rocks for brains. Everything I touch falls apart." That's all so silly and deeply harmful.

   7. LHLewis Howes12:02

      Yeah.

   8. MPMarisa Peer12:02

      So if you decide what you most want to hear and start to go, "I matter."

   9. LHLewis Howes12:06

      Right.

   10. MPMarisa Peer12:07

       "I'm here for a reason." I'm a good person. I'm lovable. I'm someone's-

   11. LHLewis Howes12:12

       [clears throat]

   12. MPMarisa Peer12:13

       ... fantasy dream come true, because you are.

   13. LHLewis Howes12:15

       Mm.

   14. MPMarisa Peer12:16

       Someone [laughs] someone in the world are looking, go, "Oh, my God, you're my fantasy dream come true." Not everybody, but someone.

   15. LHLewis Howes12:22

       Right.

   16. MPMarisa Peer12:22

       Someone going, "You know your problem? That kid keeping you up all night, the partner leaving their dirty pants on the floor. I'd love that problem."

   17. LHLewis Howes12:30

       [laughs]

   18. MPMarisa Peer12:31

       So silly as it sounds-

   19. LHLewis Howes12:33

       It's so interesting, it's, it's so interesting you say that-

   20. MPMarisa Peer12:34

       Yeah

   21. LHLewis Howes12:34

       ... because my girlfriend, um, the more we date, I, I'll, I'll bring stuff up and I'll say, we might have, like, a, a sensitive conversation. And I'll say, "I'm about to tell you something you're not gonna like."

   22. MPMarisa Peer12:48

       Mm-hmm.

   23. LHLewis Howes12:48

       'Cause I'm used to, in the past-

   24. MPMarisa Peer12:50

       Yeah

   25. LHLewis Howes12:50

       ... saying things that has this terrible reaction in relationships-

   26. MPMarisa Peer12:54

       [sighs]

   27. LHLewis Howes12:54

       ... or someone can't handle-

   28. MPMarisa Peer12:55

       Mm

   29. LHLewis Howes12:55

       ... the truth about-

   30. MPMarisa Peer12:56

       Yeah
8. 15:13 – 18:59

   Installing an inner cheerleader—and filtering criticism vs. praise

   1. MPMarisa Peer15:13

      One of the things I put in the book, which was so important, was something called installing your own cheerleader.

   2. LHLewis Howes15:18

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MPMarisa Peer15:18

      See, a cheerleader only knows how to bang cymbals. Even when you're losing, when a team loses, their cheerleaders don't go, "Oh, you were rubbish."

   4. LHLewis Howes15:27

      Right.

   5. MPMarisa Peer15:27

      "Oh, my God, you stank up-"

   6. LHLewis Howes15:29

      That's the cheering. [laughs]

   7. MPMarisa Peer15:29

      "... the joint." They say, "Hey, you tried really hard, and you were amazing, and you d- and you'll win next time." You know, we just did something in England where we put this into schools. We had 500 schools sign up, and each class actually created the cheerleader. They said that we, we actually made little toys of the cheerleader they designed.

   8. LHLewis Howes15:48

      Mm.

   9. MPMarisa Peer15:48

      And we were showing them how to go from "I can't" to "I can" in just five days by having a cheerleader that says, "You've got this. Your name is all over this. No one can do this better than you." And so at the cheerleader is your voice saying, "You can do this. And you know what? It doesn't matter if you win. It matters that you loved competing."

   10. LHLewis Howes16:09

       Mm.

   11. MPMarisa Peer16:09

       "You did great."

   12. LHLewis Howes16:10

       Mm.

   13. MPMarisa Peer16:10

       "You did amazing." And the cheerleader will cheer you on academically, but it cheer, it cheerleads who you are. And we have a critical voice going, "Oh, you, that's gonna, you're gonna mess that up. That's never going to work. Why would you even think-

   14. LHLewis Howes16:26

       Mm

   15. MPMarisa Peer16:26

       ... that could happen? No one from our family's ever had their own business. You haven't got anything to offer here." And the cheerleader flips that on its head and says, "You can do it."

   16. LHLewis Howes16:37

       Yeah.

   17. MPMarisa Peer16:37

       "You can do it." And we've had such a great response from those 500 schools who've said that bullying's stopped. Children are getting better, as they get better with each other, too. And so we should all have-

   18. LHLewis Howes16:51

       Yeah

   19. MPMarisa Peer16:51

       ... a cheerleader. So it's very important I put the download in that book, where all you have to do is download it and play it, and it makes you feel good. Because you know when you're a kid at school, and you're running a race, and someone is cheering you on-

   20. LHLewis Howes17:05

       Uh-huh

   21. MPMarisa Peer17:05

       ... going, "You can do it."

   22. LHLewis Howes17:06

       Yeah.

   23. MPMarisa Peer17:07

       "You've got this." It may be your friend. It may be a parent. When you're going for a job and your friends go, "Hey, I know you can do this." But when you can say it, you don't think, "Oh, who can I call now to be my cheerleader?"

   24. LHLewis Howes17:20

       Right.

   25. MPMarisa Peer17:21

       Being your own cheerleader is amazing, 'cause if you look at people who make it, someone like Tony Robbins-

   26. LHLewis Howes17:26

       Mm

   27. MPMarisa Peer17:26

       ... they definitely have a cheerleader going, "Hey, you can do this."

   28. LHLewis Howes17:29

       Right.

   29. MPMarisa Peer17:29

       Going for a big interview, go, "Well, you can do it." Thinking a big thought, they go, "Well, why not? Of course I can do it."

   30. LHLewis Howes17:36

       Mm-hmm. There's gonna be a lot of people that are gonna criticize you externally.
9. 18:59 – 21:41

   Receiving praise without deflecting: treating compliments like gifts

   1. LHLewis Howes18:59

      Why is it challenging for people to let in praise and to receive it? Especially in today, I feel like when someone acknowledges someone else, they kind of de- deflect it.

   2. MPMarisa Peer19:08

      Yeah.

   3. LHLewis Howes19:08

      They say, "Well, you know, I could have done better."

   4. MPMarisa Peer19:10

      Don't mention it.

   5. LHLewis Howes19:10

      Yeah, or-

   6. MPMarisa Peer19:11

      Nada

   7. LHLewis Howes19:11

      ... uh, "I, I wasn't that good." Or-

   8. MPMarisa Peer19:13

      Yeah

   9. LHLewis Howes19:14

      ... why is it so challenging for us to receive acknowledgement and praise, and do it in a, a humble way, and not a-

   10. MPMarisa Peer19:21

       Mm-hmm

   11. LHLewis Howes19:21

       ... "I know I'm the best and look the best and the prettiest and, you know, in the world" type of way?

   12. MPMarisa Peer19:25

       You know, it isn't n- normal. If you say to a little kid, "You look so cute," they smile and they, they... And if you say to a little child, "Wow, you're a smart kid," they don't go, "No, I'm actually really stupid. You should see the other kids in my class. They're way better than me."

   13. LHLewis Howes19:39

       Yeah.

   14. MPMarisa Peer19:40

       They let it in. We teach people that it's not okay. "Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't be big-headed. Don't show off. Who do you think you are? People won't like you-

   15. LHLewis Howes19:50

       Mm

   16. MPMarisa Peer19:50

       ... if you're better than them. Don't ever tell anyone what you've got." And so we learn, oh, it's not okay, and if we get criticized a lot, it becomes so familiar that we actually let that in, and the praise is so unfamiliar that we reject it.

   17. LHLewis Howes20:06

       Mm.

   18. MPMarisa Peer20:07

       So we find ourselves saying, "Oh, it wasn't... I wasn't really any good. I just was winging it." I- it's like even in that Spanish expression, nada, don't mention it. I go, "No, you should really mention it."

   19. LHLewis Howes20:19

       Mm.

   20. MPMarisa Peer20:19

       When you do a great job and people say, "Well done," you should go, "Thank you so much. I'm so glad you love my book. I loved writing it. I wrote it for someone like you." Don't go, "Oh, it's terrible. Didn't you notice?"

   21. LHLewis Howes20:31

       Right. [laughs]

   22. MPMarisa Peer20:31

       "All the spelling mistakes?"

   23. LHLewis Howes20:33

       Right.

   24. MPMarisa Peer20:33

       "And it's not formatted very well." It's like if someone gave you a gift and you go, "Oh, I hate that gift." You know, if I gave you that cup as a gift, you go, "I hate it. It's a horrible color. I don't like the writing."

   25. LHLewis Howes20:43

       [laughs]

   26. MPMarisa Peer20:44

       So see praise as a gift, that you wouldn't go-

   27. LHLewis Howes20:46

       Mm

   28. MPMarisa Peer20:46

       ... "I hate this gift. Why did you think I'd even like it?" And just learn to say thank you.

   29. LHLewis Howes20:52

       Yeah.

   30. MPMarisa Peer20:53

       I've had so many clients, just getting them to accept praise and saying, "Look, y- you can make it familiar." In fact, I was teaching a course in London, and this girl came up, and she was very sad. And so we did a session, and it was really interesting what had happened to her. And at the end I said, "You know, I'm gonna get the whole audience to come up and give you a hug." She went, "Oh, no. No, that's very hard." I said, "You know, it's not hard."
10. 21:41 – 25:56

    Relationship patterns and ‘earning love’: making the unfamiliar familiar

    1. MPMarisa Peer21:41

       And always make the second choice. "I can make this familiar." When I dated my husband-

    2. LHLewis Howes21:46

       Mm

    3. MPMarisa Peer21:46

       ... I made, had a choice. I'm gonna make a different kind of person familiar.

    4. LHLewis Howes21:51

       Mm.

    5. MPMarisa Peer21:51

       'Cause I knew he was such a good person and a kind person and a funny person.

    6. LHLewis Howes21:55

       And what were you familiar with before that?

    7. MPMarisa Peer21:58

       Well, you know, I was very... I was a head teacher's daughter. You might call it a principal's daughter. So my dad was very interested in other people's children. He was paid to be interested in other people's children.

    8. LHLewis Howes22:08

       Mm.

    9. MPMarisa Peer22:09

       He would give them all his time. He always had a hanky ready. He was, he was a really good guy, but he wasn't really interested in us-

    10. LHLewis Howes22:16

        Mm

    11. MPMarisa Peer22:16

        ... 'cause it was much harder work with us. And so my thing was, you gotta work really hard to get someone's attention, and that's very common with people. "I've gotta earn love."

    12. LHLewis Howes22:29

        Mm.

    13. MPMarisa Peer22:29

        "Chase love. Work so hard for love." And that's not true. Love isn't to be earned or chased or run after or paid for.

    14. LHLewis Howes22:39

        Mm.

    15. MPMarisa Peer22:40

        It's just there. So I had to give up that belief-

    16. LHLewis Howes22:42

        Mm

    17. MPMarisa Peer22:42

        ... that I gotta earn love, so of course I liked men who made me work.

    18. LHLewis Howes22:46

        Mm.

    19. MPMarisa Peer22:46

        They always had jobs or existing families and some terrible breakup and traumatized children. And because of that, I couldn't possibly be the top of the list. You can't expect a father with three little babies to put you first.

    20. LHLewis Howes23:01

        Mm.

    21. MPMarisa Peer23:02

        But then I realized, "Oh, this, I'm just making..." And then a- actually, it was when [laughs] I was dating someone who said to me, "I won't allow you to eat that." I'm like, "When did you become a head teacher?" And that was the penny drop. "Wow, my dad is a teacher. Here am I with this person who, well, I can't eat." And, and I stopped dating him overnight. It was very confusing for him, but not for me, 'cause I thought, "Oh-

    22. LHLewis Howes23:24

        Mm

    23. MPMarisa Peer23:24

        ... I'm dating my dad." And of course I could never have sex again when I had that realization-

    24. LHLewis Howes23:30

        [laughs] Yeah

    25. MPMarisa Peer23:30

        ... 'cause it's like, wow, that's not, that's not very healthy. But I was so glad he did that, told me what I couldn't eat.

    26. LHLewis Howes23:37

        Mm.

    27. MPMarisa Peer23:37

        And it wasn't, he wasn't trying to control me. He's, we're going out for dinner. He said, "You, you don't need to eat that. We're going out in two hours to this big..." He was a big foodie. "I won't allow it."

    28. LHLewis Howes23:46

        Mm.

    29. MPMarisa Peer23:47

        And that was, for me, the penny drop. "Oh-

    30. LHLewis Howes23:50

        "I won't allow it," yeah
11. 25:56 – 31:47

    Manifesting requires three parts: worthiness, clarity, and action

    1. LHLewis Howes25:56

       And manifesting. I'm curious if you think we're able to manifest anything we want, a good relationship, the career, or a new business, or, uh, financial abundance if we're stuck in a negative thought routine. Is it possible to manifest, uh, and accomplish what we want in a negative thought routine?

    2. MPMarisa Peer26:15

       No. I, you can't manifest when you are negative. "I want money, but when you have money you never know who your friends are."

    3. LHLewis Howes26:22

       Mm.

    4. MPMarisa Peer26:22

       "I want to be really sexy, but I don't want all that unwanted attention. I want a great job, but I'll never see my kids. I'll be a terrible parent." The mind is going to get into one lane. Here's one lane that says, "I want to be a great parent," but another one says, "I want to have a great career," and I can't go into both lanes. Well, ac- but after you can put that lane on, I could have a great career and be a great parent. It takes work, it takes balance, but it's very, very possible.

    5. LHLewis Howes26:51

       Mm-hmm.

    6. MPMarisa Peer26:52

       The problem is the mind is like a missile. It, it wants to go there, but it keeps going there if it doesn't really know what you want. "I want love, but it would kill me to be rejected."

    7. LHLewis Howes27:03

       Mm.

    8. MPMarisa Peer27:04

       "I want success, but am I really going to give up all the things I love to be successful?" So you've got to really identify what you want. To manifest anything, you have to want it, and I think people have got very confused. They go, "I sit on, sit on the chair and manifest a great guy," when unless that's the Amazon delivery guy-

    9. LHLewis Howes27:24

       [laughs]

    10. MPMarisa Peer27:24

        ... that's just not gonna work.

    11. LHLewis Howes27:26

        Right.

    12. MPMarisa Peer27:26

        "I, I want a great body, but I'm not going to do anything." So to be a manifest, you have to do three things, and you have to do-

    13. LHLewis Howes27:35

        Mm

    14. MPMarisa Peer27:35

        ... all three. The first is the easy one, or maybe not easy. You have to decide you are worth it. "I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of a phenomenal relationship. I'm worthy of success." Even, "I'm worthy of wealth or health. I'm worth it." And that probably is at least 80% of manifesting, and many people manifest with a thought, "Not really worthy."

    15. LHLewis Howes27:59

        Really?

    16. MPMarisa Peer27:59

        "I'm gonna be... I'm gonna find love, but they're gonna leave me. I'm gonna find wealth, but I don't know how I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna have a great job, but the, it's gonna kill me working those hours." So your first thought must be, "I'm worth it."

    17. LHLewis Howes28:13

        Mm.

    18. MPMarisa Peer28:14

        But then there's a second part, which is, what does it look like? And if it... Maybe we say, "I'm gonna be a millionaire." For what? I don't know. But I'm gonna be a m-... "I want a great person." What are they like? "I don't know."

    19. LHLewis Howes28:24

        Mm.

    20. MPMarisa Peer28:24

        "They got a nice six-pack and drive a nice car." So the second part is you must really know, what does it look like?

    21. LHLewis Howes28:32

        Mm.

    22. MPMarisa Peer28:32

        If you don't know what it looks like, how are you gonna go after it? The mind will go after something it is clear about. So you might say, "I want a really flat stomach." What does that look like? "Well, it looks like not eating so many carbs, not eating late at night, going to the gym." If you know what it looks like and you believe you're worth it, you'll have it. But then the third part is, after you've [laughs] decided you're worth it and you know what it looks like, what are you gonna do?

    23. LHLewis Howes29:00

        Mm.

    24. MPMarisa Peer29:01

        Because if you really want a six-pack, you might have to do 300 sit-ups a day, and if you're not prepared to do that, you don't want it enough. So I could say, "I wanted to write a book." Did I feel I was worth it? Yeah, I had to work on myself. I go, "You know, I got a message, and-"

    25. LHLewis Howes29:17

        Mm

    26. MPMarisa Peer29:17

        ... "I think I can... People tell me I really help them. They tell me I change their lives, so I'm worth putting that in a book." What does it look like? Well, it looks like gonna have to... Well, what does this book look... What's it gonna be about? What's the storyline? What am I gonna call it? Who is my audience? Am I gonna write what I want to write or what people want to hear? So I had to know, who is my market? And then here's the third part. I got to sit down and [laughs] write that book.

    27. LHLewis Howes29:43

        Mm.

    28. MPMarisa Peer29:43

        And it takes a long time to write a book. And when you've written it, it takes even longer, as you know-

    29. LHLewis Howes29:49

        Mm-hmm

    30. MPMarisa Peer29:50

        ... to do all the press, all the pieces-
12. 31:47 – 1:37:01

    Healing, addiction, and fear of rejection: changing the thought that runs the loop

    1. LHLewis Howes31:47

       If you haven't learned to heal whatever is a, a past trauma in your life, are you gonna be able to fully manifest without healing as well? Or is deciding you're worth it start the healing process?

    2. MPMarisa Peer32:00

       See, if you think you're not worth it, you'll get rid of it. I mean, I, I've worked... You probably know that 700 lottery, 70% of lottery winners are bankrupt-

    3. LHLewis Howes32:08

       Yeah, they lose

    4. MPMarisa Peer32:09

       ... in three years. Why? 'Cause they don't feel they're worth it. They didn't work for it. They didn't have, "I'm worth this money. What does it look like to have all this money?"

    5. LHLewis Howes32:18

       Mm.

    6. MPMarisa Peer32:18

       "What could I do with it that's so good?"

    7. LHLewis Howes32:20

       Right.

    8. MPMarisa Peer32:20

       They just think, "Wow, I've got all this money." And what's familiar, if you just have a job that doesn't pay a lot, is spending the money until it runs out, and then next week you get more. And so if you don't feel you're worth it, self-sabotage, procrastination-

    9. LHLewis Howes32:36

       Mm-hmm

    10. MPMarisa Peer32:37

        ... are nothing more than a fear of not being enough, and so you stop yourself getting there. So if you believe you're not worth it and you find love, you find money, you find wealth, you'll get rid of it. And we see that with Amy Winehouse-

    11. LHLewis Howes32:52

        Mm

    12. MPMarisa Peer32:52

        ... with Whitney Houston. We see it over and over again. We saw it with George Michael. I always think of him every Christmas because he had so much except the belief, "I'm worth it."

    13. LHLewis Howes33:05

        Mm.

    14. MPMarisa Peer33:06

        And so if you don't do step one first, which is just decide every day, "I'm worth love. I deserve love. I'm worthy of love," because after all, how could you not be worthy of love? Everyone is worthy of love. So if you don't do that bit and you just do the other two, "What does it look like? I'll go and get it-"

    15. LHLewis Howes33:25

        It's never gonna feel enough, right?

    16. MPMarisa Peer33:26

        But you'll get rid of it.

    17. LHLewis Howes33:27

        Mm-hmm.

    18. MPMarisa Peer33:27

        You... We see people all the time who say, "I, I know what's wrong with me." I remember Sandra Bullock's husband saying, "I, I, what did I do? I had this beautiful girl, and I messed it up." Well, of course you messed it up, 'cause you never felt you were worthy of it in the first place. So everything else you're going to do to get what you want, if you don't do the first step first, wire in that you're worthy, you'll spend a lot of time getting rid of it-

    19. LHLewis Howes33:54

        Yeah

    20. MPMarisa Peer33:54

        ... ruining it, destroying it, acting out, sabotaging yourself.

    21. LHLewis Howes33:59

        Are we able to believe we're worthy if we haven't started to heal, though? Is it, you know... Can we just say, "Okay, I'm worthy even though my parents abandoned me and I've, you know, lost every relationship I've been in"? You know, how do we bridge the gap from starting to tell ourselves a better lie, knowing we're worthy, and healing?

    22. MPMarisa Peer34:17

        You know, that's such a great question, 'cause you h- and often in the book, I invite you to go back to imagine any little baby that's just been born. They never go, "Don't look at me. I've got milk spots. I've got these triple thighs."

    23. LHLewis Howes34:29

        [laughs]

    24. MPMarisa Peer34:29

        "I've got a huge tummy."

    25. LHLewis Howes34:30

        Yeah.

    26. MPMarisa Peer34:31

        "I haven't got any clothes on." You know, when I had a baby and I'd take her out in the street, people would come and look at her, and she'd smile her big gummy smile and kick her little legs with her triple knees, and it never occurred to her that she wasn't the most gorgeous thing in the world.

    27. LHLewis Howes34:44

        Mm.

    28. MPMarisa Peer34:44

        You know, when you've got... I remember that picture of you with your cat. You'd just got him.

    29. LHLewis Howes34:47

        Yes. [laughs]

    30. MPMarisa Peer34:47

        It was on your chest going, "Oh, Lewis, you just wanna love me-

Episode duration: 1:37:03