3 Truths You Need to Hear: The Best Expert Advice to Unlock Your Potential

1. 0:00 – 3:11

   Introduction

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      (instrumental music plays) You know, the other day, I read this passage quoting the Buddha, "What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create." In fact, let's just break that apart a little bit. See, what you think becomes what you actually say to yourself every day, and what you say to yourself every day becomes what you do and what you don't do, and what you do in life is who you become. Well, today, I'm gonna reveal three lies that you think are true about yourself, and these are lies that you probably tell yourself every single day. And these lies that you think and that you say to yourself, they impact what you're doing and what you're not doing, and that impacts what's possible in your life. And so today, one by one, I am gonna reveal these three lies, and I'm gonna tell you the truth, the truth about who you are, and the truth about what you can do and what you're capable of, and the truth about who you are meant to become. Hey, it's your friend Mel. I am so excited that you're here with me. It's always such an honor to get to spend some time and to be together. And if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Now, I know you're the type of person who values your time, and you're interested in learning about ways that you can improve your life. I absolutely love that. You're gonna love our conversation today, because today, we're gonna talk about the importance of the things that you say to yourself, and how the things that you say turn into who you become. And have you ever had an experience in life, maybe you've been on a sports team, or you've had a mentor, there's somebody that you really look up to, and all of a sudden, they call you out on your BS? And you, maybe you're whining about something or, "I don't think I can do that," and they're like, "That's not true." Or maybe you've done that with somebody that you love. I know I do that with my kids all the time, when they start getting down on themselves, I'm the first one to be like, "That's not true." Or when your spouse is in a funk, or a friend of yours, they just can't get over the breakup, and they've been down and out forever, but you see the truth about who this person that you love truly is at their core. And you know when somebody's telling themselves a lie, right? "Oh, I'll never find love again. I'll never lose the weight. I'll never find another job. I can't get good grades. Nobody likes me." And when you see somebody that you love and they say those kind of lies to themselves, you're like, "That's not true." In fact, if you're like me, you get kinda mad at 'em, don't you? You're like, "Will you just stop trashing yourself like that? Will you just see what I see? Will you just dust yourself off?" Well, today, I'm gonna be doing that with you, because there are these three lies that you have been telling yourself, you probably don't even realize that you're doing this, and when I think about you sitting there, lying to yourself like this, honestly, it makes me mad. Now let me tell you why it makes me mad. It makes me mad

2. 3:11 – 8:37

   Why you’re shutting the door on your own potential

   1. MRMel Robbins3:11

      because I can see you're the one shutting the door on your own potential. You don't even realize the power of what you think and say to yourself as you're sitting there shutting the door on your dreams and on what's possible. And you know what? Your friend Mel Robbins, I'm not having it. I see something so much bigger for you, and it starts with you changing what you think and what you say to yourself. And you wanna know why I was inspired to do this? I was inspired to do this because recently, we have had so many amazing conversations, like (imitates explosion) on the podcast. And if you're a brand new listener, don't you worry. Don't you worry, because you are listening to the very correct, amazing episode that you should listen to for the first time. And anybody that I reference or anything that you hear, it'll be in the resources. Just go down to the notes section, and you will be able to find all of the podcasts that I'm referring to, okay? So you're not missing anything. But, you know, the truth is, recently, people that have been on this... were talking fire, fire coming out of their mouth, and it's really made me reflect on the way that I talk to myself, and the way that I had shut the door on myself, whether it's in the past or recently. And these conversations, holy cow, talk about opening up some doors. And so with the help of inspiring and world-renowned experts in psychology and neuroscience and manifesting, holy cow, we're gonna show you the truth of who you are, of what you're capable of. So I hope you've buckled up. I hope you are ready. I hope you have cleared your calendar, because this is a conversation that you are meant to hear in this moment right now. And I'm gonna start by just kind of setting the broadest possible context for our conversation, okay? There's a reason why this matters. It is so damaging to lie to yourself, and it is important for you to start telling yourself the truth, and this goes way deeper than common sense. I wanna introduce you to Dr. James Doty, who is a world-renowned Stanford neurosurgeon and neuroscientist, and he's an expert on the science of manifestation. He recently told me why the lies you tell yourself have such a devastating impact on the quality of your life, and I want you to listen up to what Dr. Doty has to say.

   2. NANarrator5:44

      Oftentimes, when we tell ourselves we're not good enough, we're not worthy, we don't deserve love, we think there's some truth in that. But we have, as humans, a negativity bias where negative statements have a tendency to stick with us, and this leads oftentimes to rumination. And once you tell yourself, "It is not possible, I cannot," that becomes truth. And so we create our own...... limited belief system.

   3. MRMel Robbins6:11

      Did you hear that? I wanna make sure you heard that. Dr. Doherty said, this is a neuroscientist talking, "Once you tell yourself it is not possible, I cannot, that becomes your truth." Now this is not necessarily a new idea. Dr. Doherty is just kind of explaining the neuroscientific foundation based on decades of research, but remember what the Buddha said, "What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create." Your thoughts and words have power, and today you're gonna learn you better wake up and start using your words and your thoughts for good. And we're gonna make this really simple. What you think shapes what you say to yourself. What you say to yourself inspires what you do and don't do, and what you do every single day becomes who you are. I mean, just think about this for a minute. If you wanna know what your life is gonna look like five years from now, just look at what your life looks like today. What are you thinking about today? What are the lies you're telling yourself today? What are the things that you're saying to... "I'm not good enough." "It'll never work out for me." Okay, if you keep doing that, how do you think life's gonna work out for you? It's not. If you keep saying you're never gonna get in shape, do you think you're ever gonna take the actions that are gonna change this? No. All of the actions that you take or you don't take determine who you become. If you wanna be a different person in five years, then you better start making some changes right now, today, as you and I are having this conversation, because once you see these lies, just like you call out a lie with a friend, "Don't be telling that lie to yourself. Don't be lying to me like that," you gotta do that with yourself. Lie number one, you tell yourself you're failing at life. Not true. In fact, the truth is, you're well on your way. I'm gonna prove it to you, and you better start telling yourself that truth. "I am on my way. I am figuring this out." Lie number two, you tell yourself you're not motivated, or worse, that you're lazy. Eh, not true. The truth is, you have plenty of motivation in your brain, and you're gonna learn today from a world-renowned expert, one of the biggest experts in the world on motivation, this is a Harvard-trained psychiatrist who is going to prove to you and teach you how to just tap into that motivation. Got it? Good, 'cause now we're on lie number three.

3. 8:37 – 16:40

   Feel like you’re failing at life? Learn how to flip the script

   1. MRMel Robbins8:37

      You're telling yourself you can't change, you're stuck. This is the most dangerous lie of them all, and boy oh boy, I have told myself that one. "Oh, change is impossible. Things don't work out for people like me because I'm just stuck where I am." No, you're not. Change is not only possible, here's the truth, it's automatic when you understand how to do it. In fact, you're designed to do it. I would say changing and growing is what you're meant to do. So how about you and I dig into lie number one? I'm ready to tell the truth, aren't you? Aren't you ready to bring the truth into your life? 'Cause the very first lie that you're telling yourself, "I'm failing. I'm failing," I used to do this too. In fact, there are days that I still catch myself in that lie. I guarantee you, every single time you're online, on some level, you are comparing yourself to other people. You're looking through social media, you're looking around at your friends, you're looking at your sister or your brother-in-law or whatever, and you're sitting there going, "Okay, I don't measure up." Uh, you know, you look at how they look or how they dress or how they act, and you're thinking about how much money they must be making, how much time they get to spend with their kids. And then what do you do? Oh, you pull it back to yourself, and you start bashing yourself, and then you start telling yourself all kinds of lies. "I'm failing. I'm losing at the game of life. They're figuring it out. I'm totally lost. They're successful. I'm a loser." Are you ready for the truth? The truth is, you're not failing. The truth is, everything that you do in life is preparing you for what comes next. You are not failing, you are finding your way. That's what we're all doing. In fact, I wrote an entire chapter in The Let Them Theory about this that's called Life Isn't Fair. Life isn't fair. You're right, life isn't fair. Everybody in life is dealt a different hand, and the more that you stare at the cards in someone else's hands, the more miserable you're gonna be and the more you're gonna say this lie that, "Oh, I'm failing at life." No, you're not, and here's why. You're not actually playing against other people. You're playing with them. I'm gonna say that again. You're not actually playing against other people. Success, happiness, achievement, it's in limitless supply. Nobody can take anything that is destined from you, from you. See, you're playing with people. You can learn how to be a better player from people. Other people don't block the way. If you stop lying to yourself and saying that you're a loser, you will see that other people's success and achievement leads the way. They can show you the direction you're interested in heading next. How freaking cool is that? See, there's a big difference in what other people are achieving and when they've achieved it. When you feel like you're failing because of somebody else's life, it's because you're focused on the fact that they have it now, and you're lying to yourself and saying, "I've failed. I'll never have it." Let's flip this into the truth. Everything in life is a lesson. Whatever it is that makes you feel like you're failing, it's just simply something you want, like a fabulous love story. Of course you do. You deserve that. You can create that. Just because somebody else has that now doesn't mean you've failed.They're showing you that what you want is possible. They're leading the way. This is a lesson. That's it. You wanna make more money? You can do that. Look, uh, y- you're listening to a woman that was $800,000 in debt. I had liens on my house. I could barely get groceries on the table. I really felt like I was failing. Every single person my age that had made it, that were taking their family to Disney World, that could pay their bills, that were renovating their kitchen, for a long time, I thought I was failing. And then I learned this lesson, "Oh wait, I want that. I can work for that. Maybe I'm not meant to have that right now, but that doesn't mean I can't have it later." And that's the lesson. Remind yourself that through hard work, and effort, and patience, 95% of the things that other people have, you can create for yourself. See, the problem isn't the tendency to compare. The problem is that you're torturing yourself with it, because you're focusing on the fact that they've got it now, and that you don't have it now makes you a loser. Baloney. Baloney. They have it when they're supposed to have it. You can have it when you're supposed to have it, if you're willing to work for it. See, your life isn't over. That's how I know you haven't failed. And I know that your life isn't over because you're listening or watching me right now. And the lesson you needed to learn today, which is why you tuned in, is that you're never failing in life if you're learning something from it, and today, you get to make a choice. You get to choose whether you're telling yourself the lie that based on where somebody else is right now and where you are, that you're failing, you're falling behind, you'll never get what you want, you're a loser, that... Stop. It's so stupid. Why would you say that to... Like, just stop. And look, I get it, there are very deep psychological reasons why we all do this, but I just want you to wake up and realize that you get to choose what you say to yourself, and choosing to believe that you're capable of achieving the things that you want, and for whatever reason, you're not there right now, but you can be in the future. Like, let's just play this out. If you choose to start to say to yourself, "I think through my hard work and my attitude, I could create amazing things," and then you start to say that to yourself, "I think through my hard work and my positive attitude, I could create amazing things," what do you think you're gonna wake up and do tomorrow? Oh, you're probably going to wake up and do some amazing things. Why? Because you think it and you say it, and that makes you wanna do it, and guess what happens if you wake up every day and you start chipping away at the things that you want? You become that person. That's how this works. If you choose to believe that your path in life is meant for something bigger than where you are right now, you will get there. But if you are so preoccupied with this lie, if you are so trapped in thinking that you're a failure, and chronically comparing yourself to other people and then bashing yourself with it, you will never, ever, ever see the truth. And the truth is, that there is a much bigger and more exciting future for you, and it is waiting for you to just reach out and grab it, and you're here with me right now, and in this conversation with me today because you're meant to wake the hell up and stop lying to yourself. This is an invitation for you to stop lying. Stop saying that you failed. Stop saying it's never gonna happen, because every time you tell yourself that lie, you close the door. And your friend Mel Robbins, I'm opening up an invitation. That's what I'm doing. I'm saying, "I want you to accept the truth. Your future is wide open. You get to choose who you become." That is the truth. There are just too many examples of people that had it way worse off than you, who felt way, like, more like a failure than you. I- I had the numbers on the paper. I had the liens on the house. I had mathematical proof that I was failing at finance, and yet I changed what I said to myself. And to help me reinforce this, I'm calling on a friend of mine,

4. 16:40 – 21:40

   How Steven Bartlett transformed his life story (and how you can too)

   1. MRMel Robbins16:40

      Mr. Steven Bartlett. Now, most people know him and you may know him as the host of Europe's number one podcast. Now, Steven's a wildly successful entrepreneur. He is a judge on the British version of Shark Tank. He's someone I look up to in business, and I kind of, like, literally steal a lot of the way he does things, because there's a formula for everything, and Steven has literally cracked the code on a lot of stuff, so I look up to him, I learn from him, I cheer for him, and he also has a really amazing take on making your, quote, "biggest failures" and challenges and flipping them into lessons and advantages. So I asked Steven about his mindset, and honestly, what the man says when he opens his mouth is like a master class, and I wanna start by just kind of setting the table and giving you just a little shorthand about his childhood, and Steven talks very openly about how he had a extremely difficult and rough childhood. He grew up as one of the only Black kids in an all-white neighborhood, all-white school outside of London. He was the youngest of four boys. His grades, abysmal. Money, non-existent in the family. And Steven started ditching class and selling cigarettes on the school playground for money, and then one of his friends said something to him that changed the trajectory of his entire life. Check this out.

   2. GUGuest18:09

      So one of, uh, my friends said to me back then, they said, "You're either gonna be a millionaire or in jail." And that, for me, I remember where I stood when he said that to me at seven years old, because-I was that desperate, which means if I need money and if I think money equals fitting in and belonging, then I'm gonna sell everything in the house. I'm gonna start businesses at 12. I'm gonna sell the cigarettes my mum bought back from Nigeria in those black bags in the, in the spare room. I'm gonna do whatever I can.

   3. MRMel Robbins18:35

      I wanna make sure you heard that. One moment changed the trajectory of his entire life. He's got this friend that says, "You're either gonna go to jail or you're gonna be a millionaire. You get to choose." And he also explained to you how what he thought became what he said, which became what he did, which became who he became. I mean, that's a lot of becomessss but let me unpack this for you. Basically, he felt like an outsider in his community, only black kid in this all-white town, super, super, super poor. So when that friend said to him, "You're either gonna go to jail or you're gonna be a millionaire," ping, (fingers snap) he thought, "Wait, money means I will belong here. I could be a millionaire. That means I'm gonna fit into this place that I don't think I fit into." He started thinking, "If I make money, then I am going to become somebody that I wanna be, which is somebody that other people respect and look up to." And the more that he said, "I'm gonna make money," guess what? The more that he found ways to make money. Now, I'm not suggesting that you steal cigarettes and you sell them on a playground to make money. I am using this as an example to point out that he used this formula. He could have easily focused on the fact, "I am the only black kid. I am failing out of school. We don't have any money at home. My dad is gone working. My mom is working all the time. I am basically alone as the youngest of four, barely surviving." Uh, he used this word, "Like a feral cat running around the neighborhood." And bing, instead of saying, "I am a failure," he chose to think something else. "If I make money, and if I do what it takes to make money, then I will become the person I wanna be." And what he started doing was experiments, and here's how he explains what he means by experiments.

   4. GUGuest20:28

      The world is only going to change faster and faster and faster than ever before, which means the correct answer is gonna change so quickly that the, you're not gonna get it anywhere else other than conducting an experiment in your life, which means taking that first step. And from those experiments, you end up building a ton of evidence about yourself. And by 16, I realized that grades weren't going to get me where I needed desperately to go, and when you realize that the system is telling you, "Success and happiness is a result of getting an A on that exam that you can't get an A on," you have to find another path.

   5. MRMel Robbins21:00

      He used the word experiments, okay? And this is the doing part. When you start to tell yourself the truth, that you can find your way, and in Steven's case, his way, when he was really, really little was, "I gotta figure out ways to make money," right? The way and all the little stuff that you start to do, these are all just experiments, okay? They don't have to be fixed in stone. As, as Steven was explaining to me, he's like, "These are just little tests about what's working and what's not working." I wanna illustrate an example that a lot of you may be able to relate to or maybe you relate to on behalf of somebody that you love. And let's just say that you are out of shape. You have let your health go. You've been caring for other people or working like crazy,

5. 21:40 – 28:36

   Try this simple experiment—it could change everything

   1. MRMel Robbins21:40

      or maybe you haven't exercised since high school or college sports. Whatever's happened, it's happened, right? But you now have this lie that you tell yourself. That is, "I'm the big person. I'm the out-of-shape one. I'll never get in shape. I'll never lose this weight. I'll always be like this," right? And if you say that to yourself, when you wake up in the morning after you've said that over and over and over again, do you go for a walk? No. Do you go to the gym? No. Why? Because of what you've been thinking and saying. See, what you think becomes what you say, and what you say becomes what you do and what you don't do, and that determines who you become. So let's just use Steven Bartlett's word experiment. Let's just run a little experiment here. How about you just say to yourself, just start thinking, "I deserve to feel healthier. I deserve to take better care of my body. I deserve to take some time and move my body every day just because I know it's good for me and I deserve to do that." Like, "That's a good thing for me." Let's just say you think that, okay? You don't even do anything. Now, let's just say you start saying it to yourself or writing it in your journal. "I, I, I deserve to feel good in my body. I deserve to have healthier habits. I deserve to, you know, move my body a little bit and take that time." If you keep saying that, one of these mornings you're gonna wake up and you're gonna be like, "You know what? I'm the kind of person who deserves to feel good in my body. I think I might go for a walk today." And next thing you know, you're going to the gym. And next thing you know, you're trying a yoga class. And next thing you know, you're running all these little experiments and you're signing up for the 5K charity walk in your local town. And next thing you know, you've become a person that's healthier, and you become a person that moves their body, and you become a person that takes care of yourself. And I love this idea of running little experiments because the problem with lies is when you lie to yourself, you close the door on what's possible and you keep yourself stuck. You know, I did this in my career for a long time. I went to law school, and the second I got to law school, right? Law school is three years. It is an exorbitant amount of money. I get to law school and I realize, "I freaking hate it here." I started saying, "I'm stuck." Like, "I've failed." Like, "I picked the wrong career, but now that I'm here, I gotta stay here." And when you lie to yourself and say you failed or you made the wrong call, it's almost like walking into a room and the door shuts behind you.And I don't care what it is, whether it's a relationship that didn't work out, or a job that didn't work out, or in my case, an entire career path that didn't work out, or a graduate degree, or the apartment you rented turned out to be absolutely horrific. When you say to yourself, "I made the wrong call. I failed," and for me, you know, I not only completed law school, I then got a job as a lawyer, and so now I find myself, I'm now f- six years into this thing. I'm 29 years old. I'm pregnant. I have a mortgage. I hate what I do for a living. When people would ask me, "Mel, what do you do for a living?" And I have to answer, "I'm a lawyer," it's like I- I puke like coming out of my mouth. And here's the lie. I started saying to myself, "I'm stuck in this career. I have failed. I have failed. I have made the wrong decision, and I can't do anything about this." And when you tell yourself that lie, that's what you become. And I was a stuck lawyer who hated my life for way too long because every day I would wake up, and I would think, "I hate this, but I can't do anything. I failed. I picked the wrong career. Now I'm stuck with it. And that means I did nothing," right? And look, I get it. It is so easy for somebody to post a quote on Instagram that says, "When one door closes, another one opens." But when you feel like you're the one in the room with the door shut and you failed, the truth is this. You've never failed because everything that you do is preparing you for what comes next. That's the truth. There are no failures in life. If you can learn from it, it's not a failure. It's a lesson. So if you're hearing my words right now or you're watching this right now on YouTube, I need you to understand something. This lie will keep you where you are for the rest of your life. It will. And the fact is, you are merely on one stone on the path of your life, and if you look backwards right now, I guarantee you, you could explain to me how absolutely everything that has happened to you has led you right here to this moment right now. Imagine if in this moment, I think a lot about this, imagine if while I was in law school, I could go back, and I could have listened to this conversation. And the 23-year-old me could have changed what I was thinking and saying to myself, that if you don't like this, you can leave. And that's true. You can always leave a conversation or a date or a job interview or a career or a marriage or an apartment, anything. You are never failing. You are never stuck. And if you can look backwards and see how everything has led you here, why can't you stand where you are here and tell yourself the truth, that where I am now is leading me to where I need to be in the future, that I am on my way, which means I am on my way to winning. I am on my way to where I want to be, and I am going to grab this advice from Steven, and then I'm gonna start doing little experiments to help me get there, and that is what Steven is gonna tell you. He is going to tell you how to take this concept even further because the truth is, you don't need to figure out your life at 26. If you didn't make it in one career, then go into another one. You don't have to have it together now. You can have it together later. In fact, most of us will never have it together. So if you figure out how to get it all together, I would love to know the answer to that. One of the reasons why you fail comes back to comparison and comes back to society, and the fact that you're staring at everybody else instead of looking in the mirror and recognizing that you've got absolutely everything that you need to not only stop closing the door on yourself, but to kick the damn thing open and walk through it and get on your way. I'm gonna pass it to my friend Steven. Steven, take it

6. 28:36 – 33:48

   Start questioning your self-limiting beliefs right now

   1. MRMel Robbins28:36

      away.

   2. GUGuest28:37

      I think most of our experience is a bunch of social, um, myths, bunch of doors that we just haven't tried pushing on yet, and I- I, at a very young age, started pushing on those doors, and when you start pushing on all of them and you realize that there's nothing behind them, they lead to nowhere, um, I think it develops into a habit where you start questioning things a bit more. You start questioning, like, social norms about you have to do this at this age, and you have to go to university, and you have to pursue a career, and you- and quitting is for losers, and all of these narratives. Turns out most of them are- are BS, and it is in taking them on that you find yourself reaping life's greatest rewards.

   3. MRMel Robbins29:15

      I love that. I love that. You've got experiments, and now you got question. Question the things you believe because a lot of what you believe and say to yourself is a complete lie, or it's someone else's truth, but it doesn't apply to you. And I'm gonna remind you why this is so important for you to take this conversation seriously. Your words matter. What you think shapes what you say, and what you say to yourself over and over is what you do, and what you do becomes who you are. So if you're in a place where you feel like a failure, or you're struggling with comparison, or you're scared to death about what other people think, start questioning the things that you're thinking and saying to yourself. Push against the doors that have closed, because just like Steven's saying and just like I found, the second you start changing the narrative in your own brain and you start telling yourself the truth, those doors push wide open. They really do. Every time you tell yourself you're failing or losing at life, you're lying. It's not true. The truth is, everything in your life is leading you where you're meant to go. So stop sitting there and telling yourself that the door is closed and kick it open, and you gotta tell yourself the truth. "I am on my way.I am on my own timeline. I am capable of achieving the things that I want. I am gonna open up this door by opening up my thinking, because what I think becomes what I say, what I say becomes the experiments that I do that lead me to who I am going to become. And that brings me to the second lie that you are telling yourself, which is, "I'm not motivated. I don't have any motivation. I'm not disciplined." Or even worse, you say you're lazy. Can I tell you the truth? The truth is, you have plenty of motivation. See, you just don't understand your brain circuitry. You have no idea how to squeeze all the juice of focus and determination and willpower out of that incredible machine in your head. It is all there. You have plenty of motivation to tap into. You're not lazy at all. Most people are not. Like laziness, what's interesting about somebody who's actually lazy is that you just choose not to do something. That's not laziness, that's a decision. Okay? So let's just be honest with that. You don't have to take my word for this, by the way. I got my friend, Harvard-trained psychiatrist, Dr. Alec Kanoza. He's also known as Dr. K. He is one of the world's leading experts on motivation. He's got millions of people that follow him on Healthy Gamer on his YouTube channel. And he's gonna tell you, it's not that you're unmotivated or you're lazy, that's a lie. You just don't know how to use your brain, and you and I are gonna fix that. Check out Dr. K.

   4. KGDr. K (neuroscientist guest)32:01

      So what I would say is we are spending our whole lives swimming upstream. Instead of understanding our motivational circuitry, we are trying to conquer it. When your motivation comes from the right place, then you are impervious to the circumstances around you affecting your motivation.

   5. MRMel Robbins32:19

      So what Dr. K just said is actually great news. Let me try to translate that. Okay? He's basically saying the issue isn't the amount of motivation you have. The issue is you don't understand the circuitry in your brain that allows you to tap into it. And it's not true that you're unmotivated. The truth is, you're just working against your own brain circuitry, and that's great news, because that means it's a lie to say that you're unmotivated or lazy. The truth is, your brain has just as much motivational juice in it that you need to focus and to work out and to get all this stuff done as anybody else's. You just don't know how to squeeze it. Luckily, Dr. K explains that a huge reason why a lot of us kind of, quote, "feel unmotivated" comes down to how your brain is wired, and a major mistake that you make when you lie to yourself and say, "I'm just unmotivated," and you don't understand your brain circuitry, this was me. This was me. And I wanna set up this advice from Dr. K for you, because Dr. K is about to break down how your brain works so you can understand your motivational circuitry and you can access it and you can stop lying to yourself and you can start living in the truth, which is you got just as much juice as everybody else. And he's gonna first explain this incredible fact that

7. 33:48 – 38:06

   Harvard psychiatrist shares their morning dopamine hacks for more energy

   1. MRMel Robbins33:48

      I never knew about the basics of your brain circuitry. Here's Dr. K.

   2. KGDr. K (neuroscientist guest)33:53

      What a lot of people don't realize is that you have a certain capacity for pleasure and behavioral reinforcement when you wake up in the morning. You have only a certain number of units of pleasure and behavioral reinforcement. So our dopaminergic circuitry in the brain, in this part called the nucleus accumbens, basically this is what gives us a sense of pleasure and also reinforces our behavior.

   3. MRMel Robbins34:18

      So what he's saying is that this, I can't even say the word, dopamageneric circuitry, okay? Right? We've all heard that word dopamine. It has to do with motivation and craving and reward. What he's basically saying is, you and I have a certain capacity for pleasure and behavioral reinforcement, which basically refers to the whole circuitry around motivation, willpower, all of that. But here's the catch: you only have a certain amount of it, and it's there when you wake up. So only a certain amount of it naturally when you wake up. And this is really important. So all of that motivational capacity that you naturally have, it is at peak capacity and the tank is full when you wake up. I didn't know that. If you didn't know that, it's sort of like, oh my gosh. That's an important thing to understand. So what Dr. K said next is even more important, and this is something else I had never heard before I talked to Dr. K.

   4. KGDr. K (neuroscientist guest)35:25

      So the problem with dopamine is we wake up in the morning and our dopaminergic stores are full. So what happens is we have a, a reserve of dopamine, and if you want something with delayed gratification and your dopamine stores are high, you can work a lot, but then when you get the payoff, since you have a bunch of dopamine, you get a strong dopamine release, and then you feel really good. So the way that this works is like, I want y'all to think about this. Let's say I wake up first thing in the morning and then I work for four hours, and then what is the subjective reward that I feel after four hours of work? It's really positive. Then if I use technology for four hours, it's kind of whatever. But if I use technology for the first four hours of the day and then I try to go and do work, you're not going to... And even if you finish the same amount of work, you will not experience the same level of pleasure, because your dopamine has literally been depleted.

   5. MRMel Robbins36:16

      Whoa. I just wanna make sure you really tracked with that, because I was like, "Dr. K, you gotta repeat that."So basically, when you wake up in the morning, your natural dopamine reserves, the tank is full. You got that, the tank is full. So you've got the most juice naturally for the day first thing in the morning, and you get to choose what you aim that tank of fuel at. And what he's basically saying is if you, like, pick up the phone and spend four hours online, boom, you're gonna get a big hit, but then you're gonna have nothing left for work. If you aim it at work, you're gonna get a lot of work done, and you're gonna be able to focus, and then you're gonna feel satisfied. Here's the problem for most of us, because we don't know this. You pick up the phone first thing in the morning, right? That's a huge problem, because when you look online at the news or emails or texts or social media, whoosh, you're draining the dopamine. How dumb is that? I didn't realize how big of a problem it was. I think we kind of commonsense know, okay, it's kind of dumb to lay in bed and look at social media, really dumb idea. But when you think about it in this term, that you are draining and wasting all of your natural reserves of the dopamine circuitry simply by being on social media first thing in the morning, which is, by the way, why you feel unfocused and unmotivated for the rest of the day. Because by the time you roll out of bed, you got an empty tank upstairs between your ears. And I'm telling you this because the truth is, you woke up with plenty of motivation naturally in your brain. You have plenty of dopamine in the circuitry of all this. Just like Dr. K said, if you don't understand how the circuitry works,

8. 38:06 – 46:41

   The BIGGEST lie you tell yourself—and why it’s totally false

   1. MRMel Robbins38:06

      and you waste it on dumb things, and then you spend the rest of the day going, "I feel unmotivated. I'm really lazy," and I really wanna hammer this point, because this is a huge lie you're telling yourself, and it's a simple mistake that you can correct. And to make this even more visual, I want you to hear how Dr. K explains this in a super simple analogy. Take a listen.

   2. KGDr. K (neuroscientist guest)38:27

      So the way that I kind of describe this is imagine that you have a lemon that is full of juice.

   3. MRMel Robbins38:31

      Yep.

   4. KGDr. K (neuroscientist guest)38:32

      So at the very beginning, when it's full of juice, a small squeeze gets you a lot of juice. But by the end, you have to squeeze a lot to get very little juice. This is how dopamine is in our brain. So technology is like a hard squeeze. So if we use it first thing in the morning, we squeeze the lemon really hard, and we get all the juice out, and then you have nothing left to feel good about because all of your dopamine stores have been depleted.

   5. MRMel Robbins38:57

      Oh, my gosh, don't you love thinking about this? I love visuals. That your motivation is like a lemon, and you wake up, and the lemon is r- full and juicy, and it's got all this juice in it. And then like a complete dummy, you and I, because we don't know any better, reach for our phone because it's addictive, and it's like voosh. It's a hard squeeze. The man just said it. We literally squeeze all the juice out of our brain and out of our motivational circuitry by scrolling on social media or binge-watching YouTube. What a stupid thing to do. The second that Dr. K said that, I'm like, "I'm never having my phone in my bedroom again." Never. It was always a rule, but now it's a mandate. Why on Earth would you actually want to drain the tank of willpower, motivation, dopamine, all of that stuff first thing in the morning? No wonder by the time you actually sit down to work on your goals or handle your responsibilities or get to the gym or simply feel motivated to do what you wanted to do to enjoy your day, you got nothing left. That's 'cause you gave it a hard squeeze first thing in the morning by checking out social media. That's why you feel drained, empty, and crabby. That's why you feel unmotivated. I want you to just let that sink in for a second. Your brain is working correctly. You were designed in a beautiful way, and because we didn't know any better, here we are waking up just wasting our brain's most amazing fuel, the energy that you need to feel happy and motivated and alive. It's like give it a hard squeeze when you open up social media and look at the phone. It's gone before you even start the day. So how do you change that? How do you make your brain work for you, not against you? Because we now know it's a lie that you're unmotivated. We know we've been making a mistake, right? That's the truth, and the truth is, you are a very motivated person. That's why you listen to this podcast. That's why you wanna do better, and now that you know better, you can do better. So what does Dr. K suggest? Well, his first strategy is super simple. I hope you'll do it, and I hope you'll remember the lemon. Do not reach for your phone or turn on technology for the first hour of your day. Instead, give your brain and that full, juicy lemon tank of motivation time to wake up naturally without that external tech phone stimulation or the TV giving it a hard squeeze. Because here's the truth that I want you to think, say, and do. You are motivated. You are focused. You are capable. You wake up every single day with a brain that's full of juice, ready to go. You wanna know the truth? I'm gonna tell you the truth that I gotta tell myself. Mel Robbins, you've been wasting that brain juice, woman, and this is one tiny shift that will tap into the truth. You got plenty of motivation. You just need to preserve the dopamine juice for something that is worth that motivation. Stop wasting it on stupid things. Don't you just love that you're learning how to take control of your brain?And I want you to hear one more time from Dr. K for that extra encouragement.

   6. KGDr. K (neuroscientist guest)42:34

      What I have found is once you start trying to fight this, and you equip yourself with some knowledge of how it works, you will be amazed at how easy it is actually. It'll be difficult for a while, but then you will get good at it. The problem is that we don't know how our brains work, we don't know how technology, we don't know how any of this stuff works. So there's a lot of hope. You don't have to do it perfect and you'll be amazed at how much things can cascade in the right direction.

   7. MRMel Robbins43:02

      Dr. K, I love you. Don't you love how simple this is when you know the truth? It's liberating. What you say becomes what you do. You don't retrieve your phone. You wait an hour and you direct the motivational juice at something that actually matters. And then when you do that, what happens? You become somebody who's motivated. Isn't that so cool? That brings me to the third and the most damaging lie of all, and that is telling yourself you cannot change. This is the worst. When you say, "I can't change. I'm stuck how I am," you tell yourself, "I'll always be the one who's bad with money. I'll never have any good friends. You'll always be the emotional eater or the person that smokes, or the one who's the big one of your friends, or you can't get your act together, or it always works out for your sister, it never works for you. I'll never find a career. I'll never be financially free." It's a lie. It is a lie. You wanna know the truth? You're designed to grow, and change into whomever it is you're meant to be. And this isn't just some sort of fluffy pep talk from your feisty friend Mel Robbins. At a biological, physiological and neurological level, you are always growing and changing, and that's gonna happen until the day you die. This is a scientific fact. And as you're learning over and over and over again, you have to be very careful and very choosy about the words that you use when you speak to yourself. Let me tell you something, you don't have a clue who you are, and you never will if you continue to say this garbage to yourself. You have to start telling yourself the truth. What's the truth? You can change anytime you want. You can change your habits, you can change your friend group, you can change your career, you can learn new skills. My gosh, that's what this entire conversation is about today. How you leverage what you think and what you say to change what you do into who you become. You are not stuck where you are, but you will be if you keep telling yourself this lie. It is a lie that you can't change. But I'll tell you what, you will never change if you keep telling yourself that you won't change. And I know how easy it is to be trapped by this lie because I have told myself this lie. I have felt stuck in my life, and yeah, because I don't say this to myself anymore, I know the truth, I know that you can change anytime you decide to do the work to change. It is easier for me to sit here and say this because I have been through this so many times in my life. I now know the truth and I live the truth, but I wanna acknowledge something. I wanna acknowledge how scary it is when you wake up in a place in your life, and you don't like where you are, and you don't like who you've become, and you listen to someone like me who sees something so much bigger for you, and you don't see it for yourself. The truth is, you have agency in your life. You do have power, and that's why I wanted you to hear from my really

9. 46:41 – 57:54

   Sarah Jakes Roberts’ guide to becoming the change you want to see

   1. MRMel Robbins46:41

      good friend, Sarah Jakes Roberts, because she'll say it in your face, but she'll say it in a more compassionate way. And I really want you to embrace the power that you have right now, right here, wherever it is that you are in life. And even though it feels daunting to look out and imagine an open future, and even consider that there's a different possibility that is yours to claim, I gotta have Sarah talk to you, 'cause Sarah's a pastor and a New York Times bestselling author, and she just has a way with words. Take a listen.

   2. S(Sarah (guest)47:28

      When you have spent more time doubting yourself than believing in yourself, it's not an easy transition, and I c- I, I cringe when I see people are like, "Just take the leap, take the jump." It's hard. It is really, really hard because I've only known one way of being, one na- one way of seeing myself-

   3. MRMel Robbins47:47

      Mm-hmm.

   4. S(Sarah (guest)47:47

      ... and now you're telling me, like, I'm this big, bad, bold person, and I just need to step into it and run with it, and like, I can't do it. It is a dare. It is not something that comes easily, but it is something that gradually picks up momentum. And so I try to challenge people like, one, like let's start, let's create this vision. Like, who is this person who you believe is within your reach to become? You open the cupboard, you know what you're working with, who do it, is it that you believe you can become from here? And how do we begin to gradually introduce that person into your life?

   5. MRMel Robbins48:23

      I love this because Sarah is meeting you exactly where you are.... on this day, in this moment of your life. And when she says, "Open the cupboard," what she means is, imagine you're standing in the kitchen, and you're standing in front of a cupboard, and you open up the cupboard, and you gotta make dinner. And you got maybe a can of kidney beans, that's what's in my cupboard, maybe a couple cans of tomato. You got some spices, you got some other stuff. What can you make with this, right? What are you working with? And that's all you need, is to open up the cupboard, metaphorically, and just work with what you got, with where you are right now. And I wanna make sure that you heard Sarah Jakes Roberts' question to you. Who is it that you believe you can become from here? And I want you to focus on the two words, "from here." Let's talk about where you are right now, and let me remind you of the two truths that we've already covered. Remember truth number one? You haven't failed. You are not behind. Everything that has happened in your life, it's brought you here. And the cool part is, as you open up the cupboard and you look at where you are, it's leading you to what comes next. Everything that you've got to work with is a lesson, which means it's also leading you to your next win. That's the truth. And all you gotta do is just start telling yourself that. That, "I am exactly where I need to be, I've got exactly what I need, and all I need to do is just trust and take the next step, do the next experiment, figure out the next place I need to go." That's it. It's in the doing, the experimenting, that you become. But you gotta first stop lying to yourself. You gotta tell yourself exactly where you are right now, you are on your way. The second truth, you have all the motivation you need. I know you're tired, I know you may feel a little overwhelmed. It's not true. You have all the motivation you need. And thanks to Doctor K, you now know you're not gonna waste it on something stupid, like scrolling on your phone first thing in the morning and just throwing away all that motivational firepower and juice. 'Cause the truth is, you have all the motivation you need. And now that you know that you wanna create something better for yourself, you're gonna use it. You can tap right into it. And that's gonna help you answer Sarah's question. If you got all the motivation you need, if you know that where you are right now is leading you to where you are meant to go, if you knew that just by experimenting every day, doing things, trying things out, moving forward, if you knew that that was gonna lead you to your next win, who do you believe you can become from here? And when you answer that knowing, you have the motivation, and you have everything that you need, that leads you to the final truth, which is you're capable of changing yourself. You're capable of changing your life. You're capable of looking at what you've learned and looking at where you are and looking at what you have to work with, which is a lot more than you give yourself credit for, and taking that next step. That's the truth. I don't ever wanna hear you tell yourself a lie, and I don't ever want you to allow it again. Do not tell yourself you cannot change. Do not tell yourself that you are stuck right here where you are. It is simply not true. In fact, you're working against your own neurology, biology, physiology, n- n- I don't even know what other ologies and the natural order of the intelligent design of you as a human being when you sit there and tell yourself that garbage. And I wanna turn it back to the amazing Sarah Jakes Roberts, 'cause I want her to grab your hand. I already got my arm around your shoulder. But I want her to grab your hand and walk you through exactly how you're going to take that first step from here, because here's the thing, it begins with s- thinking something different. It begins with thinking the truth, "I can change, I am capable of this." It then becomes saying it to yourself, because you gotta say it to yourself and say it out loud, because then it becomes something that you do. Do not stay trapped in your head, because you gotta do something to become something. Take a listen.

   6. S(Sarah (guest)53:28

      You don't have to go from where you are right now to that person overnight. It is an introduction. Um, for those who you're in intimate relationship with, it's the ability to say, "You know what? That precedent that I set, the way that I have been showing up, it doesn't necessarily feel honest anymore, and I want you to know the most honest version of myself." And maybe things will change a little bit. You know, I'm married. I- I don't wanna write a book that empowers someone to be like, "You know what? I'm gonna change," and whether they can get with it or not, when it's someone who-

   7. MRMel Robbins54:01

      Yeah, exactly.

   8. S(Sarah (guest)54:01

      ... r- (laughs) you know what I mean? Like, that's, y- you might wanna keep that person around. Maybe they haven't done anything-

   9. MRMel Robbins54:06

      Yes.

   10. S(Sarah (guest)54:06

       ... to you, but you still wanna be authentic. You get to introduce who you are to that person, like, "Actually, I kinda wanna go back to school," or, "I wanna start a business," or, "I kinda think I might be an artist, and so I bought a few things, and I'd appreciate bringing you along on this journey with me." It is an introduction, and then you look up and you realize, "Wow, I have transformed," but transformation is a process. And so, I would say to take a little dare, a baby dare, recognizing that with each little dare, we look up, and we have been transformed.

   11. MRMel Robbins54:39

       I love that. I love that. A baby dare. A baby dare. Maybe the baby dare is you're not gonna have a glass of wine tonight. Maybe the baby dare is you're gonna admit that you miss going to an art studio, and you're gonna tell somebody. Maybe the baby dare is you're going to roll out your yoga mat tomorrow morning when you wake up. Maybe the baby dare is you are simply gonna stop lying to yourself. I dare you to embrace the truth after our conversation today. I want you to open up that metaphorical cupboard of your life and stand here in the moment, and see, you have so much to work with. Do you know how much you've learned in your life? Do you know how far you have come? It's- it's unbelievable, the things that you've been through, and that you're here and you're showing up. You don't give yourself enough credit. And I wanna point out three truths that you're now working with. You are on your way, and you will figure this out. And as long as you just keep on learning, and you try these little experiments, you will be winning every step of the way. And the second thing that you're working with is truth number two, you have all the motivation you need. Your brain is working perfectly. It is designed, designed like that big lemon, it's got all the juice you need. So please, please, please, do not be a dummy. Do not waste it on your phone in the morning, because you, my friend, you got bigger fish to fry. You got some dares. You got some steps to take. You got stuff to do that's important. And truth number three that you're working with, remind yourself, you can change any moment you decide to. In fact, I love knowing this, you are designed to. I'm gonna say that again. You are designed, you were built to change and grow and take those baby dares. And I am hoping that after our conversation today, after the time we spent together today, that you don't just keep this conversation inside of you, that you do take that dare, that you do tell people in your life. In fact, I hope you share this episode with them with a little note, and you're like, "Can you listen to this? And then can we have a conversation about what we both want to go do in our lives? Can we support each other?" Like, this is empowering. Or maybe you're gonna write it down in a journal. Who do you believe you can become from here? I'll tell you what, I believe you can become anything and anyone you are willing to work for becoming. I don't even know if that's a proper sentence, but you know what I mean. Because what you think becomes what you say, and what you say becomes what you do, and what you do becomes who you are.

10. 57:54 – 1:00:46

    How tiny acts of courage can change your life

    1. MRMel Robbins57:54

       And here's Sarah on what I want you to do next.

    2. S(Sarah (guest)57:58

       Because, okay, you listened to the podcast, you read the books, and it's all living inside of you. You got the tools, you got the- you got the inspiration. You've gotta let this live outside of you. I think that we have to create openings for who we are becoming. Sometimes that's with our language, sometimes that's with us having communication with other people, but I think the most powerful thing you can do is to back it up, to start putting a down payment on who you are becoming by using your words, using your language to create space for that person to be rooted in your life. Part of the reason that you have to let it live outside of you is that when it lives outside of you, it empties you out and makes room for more. But also, it creates space outside of you for who you are becoming. That's it.

    3. MRMel Robbins58:44

       Let it live outside of me. Create space in the world for who I'm becoming. Create space inside of me. This is why this formula works. What you think becomes what you say. And when you say it, it lives outside of you. And every baby dare, every experiment, everything that you do creates the space for who you are becoming. That's how this works. That's why I see a bigger future for you. That's why I know that something incredible is possible for you, because you can follow this simple formula. You can recognize these lies. You can tell yourself the truth. And when you do that, you will achieve things that are beyond your wildest dreams. You will. You will. If I can do it, you can do it. And this is the formula that gets it done, and I can't wait to see what you do with it. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to say, the truth, I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. Now, you better get out there and go do it. And that's not a dare, that's a demand. And I'll see you in the very next episode. And while we're on demands, I wanna say to you as you're watching me here on YouTube, I love you, love you, love you. I love spending time with you here on YouTube. We're just getting started. We're gonna start doing some original programming for YouTube, but I have a demand. Could you please hit subscribe? My goal here is that 50% of the people that watch this channel are subscribers. It's free. It supports us. It lets us know what you actually like, and that would be a huge thing. We are literally 8.3% away from reaching that goal, and you can help me do it. So thank you, thank you, thank you. And I know you're thinking, "Mel, Mel, Mel, give me more, give me more." You got it, especially if you're a subscriber. So here we go. I want you to watch this video next.

Episode duration: 1:00:46