A Toolkit for Families: Practical Wisdom That Makes You Closer | Mel Robbins Podcast

Mel Robbins 0:00 (ticking sound) I want to do some rapid fire questions.

Sawyer Robbins 0:05 I think this is a question for the both of you.

Kendall Robbins 0:07 Wait, no, I actually have an answer.

Chris Robbins 0:09 So you're saying, in these conversations that we were having as you were growing up, you had that sense of feeling heard-

Kendall Robbins 0:17 Yes.

Sawyer Robbins 0:18 Absolutely.

Kendall Robbins 0:19 Oh. (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 0:21 My dad is bowling.

Kendall Robbins 0:23 It's cool.

Sawyer Robbins 0:23 Oh, Dad.

Kendall Robbins 0:25 Oh.

Mel Robbins 0:25 Most adults forget that kids are truth-tellers. And you also are lie-detectors.

Sawyer Robbins 0:31 Mic drop. That was phenomenal. (instrumental music plays)

Mel Robbins 0:35 It was such a huge hit when Oakley introduced me-

Kendall Robbins 0:38 That was so good.

Mel Robbins 0:38 ... so we thought it would be fun for each one of us to introduce somebody else, okay? So I'm sitting here with my husband, Chris, of 26 years.

Chris Robbins 0:49 He is our rock. He's our spiritual center. You're the foundation.

Sawyer Robbins 0:54 You're the core of the earth.

Kendall Robbins 0:56 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 0:56 We just revolve around you.

Kendall Robbins 0:57 Yeah, clearly, except Oakley's Pluto.

Chris Robbins 1:01 What the fuck? Let me introduce Mel Robbins. She is our tornado.

Oakley Robbins 1:08 Oh.

Chris Robbins 1:09 Our whirlwind. (laughs)

Kendall Robbins 1:11 (laughs)

Chris Robbins 1:11 Our fun-seeker.

Kendall Robbins 1:12 Our beautiful tornado.

Chris Robbins 1:13 And, uh, of course, my wife. Thank you for bringing us all together.

Sawyer Robbins 1:20 So should we do a little round robin?

Kendall Robbins 1:22 Yeah.

Sawyer Robbins 1:22 I can, like... Everyone to the right.

Kendall Robbins 1:23 Yeah.

Sawyer Robbins 1:24 Okay, so we have here the middle devil child-

Kendall Robbins 1:29 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 1:29 ... Kendall Robbins. She is an amazing sister, um, an amazing singer, very dedicated, very beautiful. We love her. She is the comedian of the family and, yeah, this is... Let's give it up for Kendall Robbins. Oh, Kendall is... How old are you? Oh, she's 22 and 18 months younger than me, thank God. (laughs)

Kendall Robbins 1:56 And two grades below.

Sawyer Robbins 1:57 (laughs) Um, hello, everybody. Um, my name is Kendall. Thank you for that lovely intro, Sawyer. Um, to my right, we have the golden child.

Chris Robbins 2:10 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 2:10 Um-

Kendall Robbins 2:12 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 2:12 ... uh, mini Chris. He actually doesn't have his own personality quite yet. He's trying to steal everything from my dad.

Chris Robbins 2:18 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 2:20 Um, 17?

Chris Robbins 2:21 Yeah.

Sawyer Robbins 2:21 Okay, 17. Um-

Kendall Robbins 2:23 Born on St. Patty's Day.

Sawyer Robbins 2:24 So... Born on St. Patty's Day. Little lucky bitch. Um, he... Sorry. He, um, is an amazing brother. He is the most mature, in touch, intelligent, just kind man I've ever met at his age, and I don't just say that because I'm biased, because trust me, I hated him for a very long time. (laughs) However, we- we've crossed that bridge. But this is Oakley. He's 17. He's great, and he's gonna introduce Sawyer.

Oakley Robbins 2:53 Hi, guys, I'm Oakley. Kendall, thank you for that wonderful introduction. Um, to my left, Sawyer Robbins. 23, right? 22?

Kendall Robbins 3:04 23. I am, in fact, older than Kendall, as no one notices.

Oakley Robbins 3:09 (laughs) Anyway, she's 23. Um, she's graduated from college, BC. No, but-

Kendall Robbins 3:15 Your favorite color's blue.

Oakley Robbins 3:17 (laughs) Her favorite color's blue.

Kendall Robbins 3:18 Do you know what I do for a living?

Oakley Robbins 3:20 I don't, I don't know if I should reveal, like, your personal information.

Kendall Robbins 3:22 Dude, reveal it.

Sawyer Robbins 3:22 That's totally fine.

Oakley Robbins 3:23 So Sawyer lives-

Sawyer Robbins 3:24 My Social Security number is-

Oakley Robbins 3:25 Sawyer lives in-

Kendall Robbins 3:27 (laughs)

Oakley Robbins 3:27 Sawyer lives in South Boston. She's working at a cybersecurity company.

Sawyer Robbins 3:31 At- I'll take it from here.

Oakley Robbins 3:31 Please do.

Sawyer Robbins 3:32 Um, we're just gonna pass the torch back. Um. (laughs)

Kendall Robbins 3:35 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 3:35 Sawyer is the most hardworking person next to my mom, I would say. Um, she is s-

Mel Robbins 3:45 Dad, we love you. Um, so many people remarked about the openness that you guys have all displayed on various episodes of this podcast, and do you personally think that you have a very open relationship with me and Dad? Or how would you describe

Mel Robbins 4:08 the type of relationship that you have with Dad and I? Sawyer, why don't you go first?

Sawyer Robbins 4:15 Um, y- to answer the question point-blank, yes, definitely very open. I tell them almost everything. And that being said, I am ex-... I consider myself extremely open. I tell them anything from work, to friend problems, to boyfriend issues, et cetera, but I think that I am actually the least open when now looking to my two right, uh, or the- my siblings, simply because I- I think I choose what I share with them, and that is a lot, but not every single detail, which others can speak to.

Kendall Robbins 5:01 Guilty. Guilty.

Sawyer Robbins 5:03 Okay, now you're up.

Mel Robbins 5:04 Why do you share stuff with us?

Sawyer Robbins 5:07 Um, I think that growing up, we always had a very open relationship, and I think one of the core things that you both instilled in all of us is you will never ever get in trouble for telling the truth. If we were telling you completely upfront and honestly what we were doing, where we were going, who we were going with, or in general, like, what is going on in our lives, then regardless of what it was, we would never be punished for that. And I will always remember, I had an incident with my first time drinking. I drank a whole handle of vodka and I'm the oldest, so that was my first rodeo. And I woke up in the morning, and I was petrified, puke all over myself, sleeping on the window bench. I thought I was just toast. Like, I thought I was dead meat. I was-... so scared, and then we all sat down in the screened-in porch, and they both said to me, "We will never punish you for something that we also did as kids. And as long as you are open and honest about-"

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 6:27 (laughs) That pretty much opens the door wide.

Sawyer Robbins 6:29 Oh yeah, baby.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 6:30 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 6:30 I was running with gas after that. But after you guys said that, I just felt so much more at ease. Um, and my punishment that day was actually going to a lacrosse tryout, which I yakked at several times. But, um, but then I looked at my other friends who would get in trouble and, for drinking or for doing things we weren't allowed to, and they would immediately be grounded. They'd immediately have to stay home. They were restricted from alcohol. They were whatever. And that just kind of put a huge barrier between, I think, them and their parents, which was just, "Let's be sneaky. Let's steal. Let's sneak out. Let's go to parties and lie about where we are." Um, when I think from very early on, you both were very vocal about, "As long as you are honest, you will not be, get in trouble." And I think that that just eliminated the barrier between us completely.

Mel Robbins 7:31 I think a lot of parents say that. I think that is every parent's throwaway line. "Hey, as long as you tell me the truth, you're not gonna get in trouble. As long as you call me, you're not getting in trouble." And then in the tsunami of emotions when you get the call that your kid has blacked out, or there's been a huge party, or the police showed up, or whatever else, most parents freak out and then ground or punish.

Sawyer Robbins 7:54 Mm-hmm.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 7:55 No, I disagree. I disagree. For you to say that every parent out there just makes a blanket statement that says, "Just tell us the truth and you'll be fine." Like, no way. That, that, therein lies I think one of the secrets, the keys to the kingdom, is inviting that truth-telling because most people don't.

Mel Robbins 8:18 Okay, well there you go with-

Sawyer Robbins 8:18 I agree. I agree. I actually don't think that any of my fri... I mean, I think, I think that like it was unspoken in a lot of my friends' households growing up that like if you tell us the truth, you won't get in trouble. But like it wasn't act-... Like there was a difference between what they were saying and what they were doing in terms of the parents. Like, the parents want you to tell the truth, but they're still gonna punish you. You guys want us to tell the truth, but you're not gonna punish us. Like you actually do what you say you're gonna do, as parents.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 8:46 But did you, Mel? Is that what your parents told you? 'Cause I didn't-

Mel Robbins 8:50 Yeah.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 8:50 See, I didn't get, I didn't get that from my parents. I just got the, the idea that it takes... The message to me was, it takes a long time to build trust, and it takes two seconds to shatter the trust, which is sort of infers that tell the truth and you're not gonna blow up relationships or leave people feeling, y- you know, sort of lost inside of the, the dynamic between the two of you.

Mel Robbins 9:22 Like my number one goal as your parent in

Mel Robbins 9:25 our relationship-building was to get you to want to come and talk to me and Dad about important topics instead of going to your dipshit friends. And w- you know, I always thought if you're 13, 14, 15, or 16, way better to talk through something you're thinking about or worried about or, you know, wanting to try and all that stuff with adults who will listen to you than going to other 14-, 15-, or 16-year-olds that don't know what the hell they're doing.

Sawyer Robbins 9:58 I agree with that. And this was like sort of gonna be my whole point about like why I also have such an open relationship with my parents, (laughs) arguably too open. But-

Mel Robbins 10:07 Definitely too open.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 10:09 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 10:09 Um, yeah. Don't take notes from me.

Mel Robbins 10:11 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 10:11 Um, I turned out fine, sort of. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 10:14 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 10:14 But-

Mel Robbins 10:15 DVD.

Sawyer Robbins 10:15 What I was gonna say is you were just saying like it's so much better for s- for kids at that age to like go to their parents

Sawyer Robbins 10:21 who will listen to them rather than their dipshit friends. But like that's the issue, is that parents don't listen. And what I was gonna say, my whole point is that there's a difference between like... I think that like my (clears throat) definition of listen as like you guys have defined what listen means to me, and it's like internalizing what we're saying. Like parents all around the world can just listen to their kid be like, "I really wanna go to this party tonight," like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or like, "Can I ple-"... Like whatever it may be. "Oh, I got too drunk at this party," or, "Oh, I slept with someone before I was ready." Like there's a difference between hearing what they're saying and actually listening and internalizing how, how it's making them feel. Like I feel like every time we told you guys something as kids, you would actually like empathize with us and hear us and internalize it. And in doing that, you were able to like loosen the reins a little bit and let us fuck up and let us fail and let us... And instead of being like, "You're stupid, you're p-... Like you're being punished. That was dumb," you were like, "Let's talk about it. How is it making you feel?" Blah, blah, blah.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 11:20 So you're saying w- in these conversations that we were having as you were growing up, you had that sense of feeling heard-

Sawyer Robbins 11:28 Yes.

Mel Robbins 11:28 Yes.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 11:28 ... inside of...

Sawyer Robbins 11:30 Yes.

Mel Robbins 11:31 Absolutely.

Sawyer Robbins 11:32 Oh. (laughs) My dad is bawling.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 11:36 At school.

Sawyer Robbins 11:37 Oh, Dad!

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 11:38 Oh!

Sawyer Robbins 11:38 I hate when you cry. Really wasn't planning on this. But no, totally. Like I feel like most kids don't talk to their parents because their parents don't hear them and don't listen to them. So why would they? But um-

Mel Robbins 11:50 I think a lot of my friends, for example, whenever they would want to go on a trip or go to a party or do anything they wanna do, and they already knew in the back of their head that their parents didn't want them to or were gonna say no, they go into the conversation to talk about that and express how they're feeling. And as a kid, I think we all come from the exact same...

Sawyer Robbins 12:16 ... scenario where we want to explain why we want to go to this thing or go to this trip, or why we should be able to do this, et cetera. But on the other end, the parents, like, like Kendall said, may be listening, but they already have an answer in the back of their head.

Mel Robbins 12:34 They're one-sided, yeah.

Sawyer Robbins 12:34 Their mind is made up. There's no room for conversation or, um, changing. I think that when kids go into conversations with parents who immediately make up their mind, do not allow for any sort of alterations or changes to the plan, then you're just set up for failure. Because then it just turns into sneakiness and hatred and all that stuff.

Mel Robbins 13:02 Resentment.

Sawyer Robbins 13:02 Yeah, resentment. And so, I don't know. I think that... I'm looking for a word, but... Oh, I mean, I think this is also a little bit of... I mean,

Sawyer Robbins 13:15 I think parents and children should not obviously be equal. Like there's... Parents need to have a little bit of authority over children, but I think what I really appreciated most-

Oakley Robbins 13:28 Or a lot a bit.

Sawyer Robbins 13:28 And a lot, yeah, for sure. Yeah, okay. And... (laughs) But-

Oakley Robbins 13:33 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 13:33 But I think that, like, at the end of the day, like I always felt as a child, like, "You're equal." And I always felt like you guys-

Mel Robbins 13:43 What does that mean? 'Cause I know, 'cause I don't think Dad and I ever bought into the parenting philosophy of being your friends. What, what Dad and I... At least if I had to summarize the way that we think about parenting, is I think about parenting as though our job is to help you figure out who you are.

Sawyer Robbins 14:04 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 14:04 And that means learning how to think through decisions, learning how to come to terms with your own values, learning the weight of the consequences of decisions, and that the whole point of parenting is for you to grow up and leave, and go find somebody that you love as much as Dad and I love one another, and go build a family, and that... And to become more of who you are. And so we were always focused on connection first, correction dead last.

Oakley Robbins 14:45 I feel like I'm so open because you guys were so open with me. Like I feel like I could go to you guys. I could ask you guys something about your life, and you'd tell me. There was nothing that you really hi- hid from me. Maybe there was or maybe I was just so young that I didn't really ask. But you were very open, which was super nice. And I also felt like you guys had my back, like 100% of the time, no matter what. Um, for example, I went to camp for a month, and I got bullied. And so my mom found out about it, and she, like, refused to let me stay there, so she took me out a week early. Which felt really nice because it showed that she cared about how I was feeling and she understood that and she acted upon it. Which was really helpful for me, and it showed that she has my back. And she continued to show me that throughout the rest of my life.

Mel Robbins 15:25 Seeking connection with you guys required us to learn how to listen. It required us to learn how to hear your points of view, even though they were often stupid or immature or dangerous or irrational or emotional or irritating. But still, to respect you enough to listen, and... No, and oftentimes your ideas were great and we would listen and acquiesce. But the... I think you also had a sense of safety because we always had guardrails. "There's nothing you're gonna do that's dangerous. There's nothing we're gonna allow you to do that is self-destructive or destructive to other people. There is nothing that we're going to ever allow you to do that could be a situation that is deadly or discriminatory against people." And so there were guardrails, and there are guardrails that we're very, very intense about. But-

Sawyer Robbins 16:18 But I think that your guardrails are, like, around morals and, like, who we are as human beings-

Mel Robbins 16:22 Yes.

Sawyer Robbins 16:22 ... not behavioral things.

Mel Robbins 16:23 Can you give an example?

Sawyer Robbins 16:24 Like be a kind person, hold the door for people, say thank you, ask the waiter's name. Like those kinds of things are like unspoken guardrails. Whereas I feel like other parents put up guardrails that are like, "No drinking on the weekends." Like you never put up guardrails that were like activities or experiences or things we do; it's how we are within those experiences are where the guardrail- rails are.

Mel Robbins 16:48 What do most parents get wrong? Like what are, what are some don'ts that you've seen either Dad and I do or other parents do?

Sawyer Robbins 16:56 Um, let your kids figure it out themself.

Oakley Robbins 17:00 Yes.

Sawyer Robbins 17:00 Let's let their k- like-

Mel Robbins 17:02 Never with drinking and driving.

Sawyer Robbins 17:03 Well, yeah, yeah.

Oakley Robbins 17:04 Obviously.

Sawyer Robbins 17:05 Honestly, if somebody's, like, gateway drugging their way into heroin or cocaine, or becoming an alcoholic at a young age, like I can bet you that there, there is a massive lack of love and appreciation and being heard and being seen in their household, and it's probably coming from their parents. Hate to call you guys out, but it's probably coming from their parents.

Mel Robbins 17:25 It definitely is.

Oakley Robbins 17:25 It definitely is.

Sawyer Robbins 17:25 And you know what? Instead of the like... Yeah, you find out that they're doing cocaine. That's terrifying. You've... Like, that's... I can't r- even imagine what that's like as a parent. But instead of seeing that and having some rash, crazy reaction about like, "We're throwing all this out, we're putting you into this, we're putting you into therapy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." What I think would be more impactful is, like, sitting their kid down and being like, "Can we have..." Like, "You're not... Here's the punishment. You're not leaving this table until we actually talk this through. Because there's gotta be a lot more deep-seated issues than just this bag of white powder." Like I'm a- I think that the issue is that, like, parents are just so quick to be like... They're so afraid of it becoming a bigger issue that they just Band-Aid on a bullet wound and just like put them into re- It... When like the real issue is the deep-seated hurt that the kid is feeling and the love that they're not getting.

Mel Robbins 18:19 But I also want to add though, that like, for a lot of people-

Sawyer Robbins 18:25 ... the parents sitting down to g- have that conversation, if m- the parent is not the actual person to talk to, then a licensed therapist is. And so, it's not searching the house to get rid of all the coke and the weed to make sure they don't have any, 'cause I can assure you, we're smart, we can find it, like, anywhere.

Mel Robbins 18:47 Mm-hmm. This is a question from Avery, who s-

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 18:50 Hi, Avery.

Sawyer Robbins 18:54 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 18:54 (laughs)

Kendall Robbins 18:54 She looks like Oakley.

Sawyer Robbins 18:56 Okay, yeah, Oakley's on this one.

Mel Robbins 18:58 Okay.

Sawyer Robbins 18:58 Oakley, you're young.

Mel Robbins 18:59 Uh-huh. Okay. Uh, "I'm listening to the episode where Mel talks about

Mel Robbins 19:04 her daughter's love-life dilemma with Kendall."

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 19:07 Mm-hmm.

Sawyer Robbins 19:07 Yes.

Mel Robbins 19:07 "And I have immediate requests for an episode. I have a four-year-old daughter, and I want her to feel comfortable talking to me about these kinds of issues when she's in college. So here's the pitch. How do you raise kids who share information about their lives with you?" Can you give that, can you give people a tool that you could use? Like, is there a takeaway?

Sawyer Robbins 19:32 I think that the tool that you can use is a warm and excited and interested invitation to asking your ki- your kids about their life, and showing genuine interest in their life. And I think that in that interest, it, like, makes your kids wanna tell you more in an authentic way. But I also want to say that I think continuing to ask and continuing to be interested, continuing to be welcoming, is very important, but if they are not, like, receptive, don't take that as just never asking again. I think continue to ask, continue to be interested, but there are times in life when they will not want to tell you, and you need to be respectful of that, and I think it's when parents often overstep and won't stop asking and have to know that-

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 20:32 So, that's a great point, is that a parent can comfortably be okay with not hearing ...

Sawyer Robbins 20:40 Yes.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 20:40 ... anything in response.

Sawyer Robbins 20:42 Yes.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 20:42 That, that-

Mel Robbins 20:42 Just keep asking.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 20:43 That that's, that the s- that silence does not need to be misinterpreted as deafening-

Sawyer Robbins 20:50 Yes.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 20:50 ... and that there's something wrong, but just that it-

Sawyer Robbins 20:53 'Cause asking lets them know, "We're here. We wanna listen. We love you."

Mel Robbins 20:57 I have a question from Indre, who has a three and a half year old, and she's worried that she's gonna screw up her kids by saying something or doing something wrong, and she wants to know how do you not do that? And I just wanna take a stab at this, because I think one of the things that Dad and I have done well is we have screwed up. We have said things wrong, and we are not perfect, but we're really fast and good at, at apologizing and taking responsibility for the things that we do wrong or the things that we realize we regret in hindsight or for, um, doing things that may have hurt your feelings. I think that that's, like, if you realize you're just a good person and you're doing the best that you can with whatever you got in terms of your own issues, and you're quick to take responsibility for them, I think it does show that you're open and that you're human and that you're trying, and I don't know.

Sawyer Robbins 21:55 I agree. Dad, do you have anything-

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 21:57 Next question.

Sawyer Robbins 21:57 ... to say about that?

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 21:59 Yeah. I, I think that there's, uh, I mean, transparent-

Kendall Robbins 22:02 (clears throat)

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 22:02 Transparency is big. Um, and sort of leading by your own example and us being willing to share what's so about us, I think sets a, a, it's a good, it's, it's a good example that can only help in maybe a child wanting to do the same back towards their own parents. But it, it is fascinating to, even in this conversation, to be hearing about, like, things that we might think we h- did well or didn't do well, and you having a completely (laughs) different interpretation about that.

Sawyer Robbins 22:39 Yeah.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 22:40 Uh, because you're naturally at a different age and a different, have a different perspective, and anyway, it's, it, uh, it sort of makes me think this is all well and good, and, uh, ages and differentiation, like, that that's, things are gonna get misinterpreted along the way.

Sawyer Robbins 23:01 Yeah. Uh, another big thing, Indre, I'm sorry if I'm saying your name wrong, beautiful name by the way, um, is honest communication. Like, as parents be in honest communication with each other, and with your kids, be in honest communication.

Sawyer Robbins 23:18 Like, I just think-

Mel Robbins 23:18 What does that mean?

Sawyer Robbins 23:20 Telling them what's going on, telling them about your day, um, making sure, like, I feel like you guys were so open and honest in your communication with us, and you would always tell us what was going on or why something was happening, or if we asked a question, you would always tell us, and I, like, I think that watching you two be honest with one another, like, inspires us to wanna be honest with you. And another thing too, like, under the umbrella of honest communication is, like, I have so many vivid memories of, like, growing up as a family, like, sitting around the fireplace or sitting at dinner or sitting some, like, gathering, like, you guys made such a conscious effort, whether you know it or not, to gather us as a family and to just talk about literally whatever it may be, w- the fireplace wood, evergreens, mint, food, p- our, our love lives, whatever. Like, you made such a conscious effort to, like, gather us together and get us all talking and communicating with one another that, like, there were so many times when I was like, "I don't wanna fucking talk to you guys for 40 minutes at the end of dinner. I wanna go play Polly Pockets upstairs ..." (laughs)

Mel Robbins 24:22 (laughs)

Kendall Robbins 24:22 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 24:22 "... and chew on their clothes." But ... (laughs)

Mel Robbins 24:25 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 24:25 But-

Kendall Robbins 24:26 Me and Kendall, yeah.

Sawyer Robbins 24:27 But, but then, but now that I'm at my age, it's like, those are the memories that I cherish the most, and those are the, the moments that I look forward to the most, which are, like, the con- the, the rabbit hole conversations we get down, because I think-... as kids, I'm tr- trying to stay on track with the question, but, like, making a conscious effort to, like, talk to your kid and, like, making it, like, a ritualistic thing where, like, you talk to them after dinner or you're talking to them in the car and, like, whether they like it or not or whether they're showing they don't like it at that point, and maybe they won't, but like, I think that they'll really appreciate that in the long run, 'cause I know we all did. I- I think though, like, under the umbrella of honest communication, I think a massive part of that is vulnerability because I think watching my mom and dad grow up, like, literally I've seen my dad and my mom cry and break down and not be strong and tell us what's going on in their life, how traumatic it is, how sad, how frustrating, how simple it may be, and absolutely, like, be on the ground sobbing, which I think for a kid is a little bit jarring at first to witness, like, your most idolized person as your parent be weak. But I think that watching our parents sit at the dinner table and bawl their eyes out because work didn't go well that day or because they had a hard conversation with a friend and being completely open and honest about it just essentially made that possible for all of us to do the same. Mm.

Mel Robbins 26:08 That's really big. I think when you guys talk about honest c- communication, most adults forget that kids are truth tellers and you also are lie detectors. And so when you say honest communication what you're saying is you trusted us because what we were saying matched your felt experience-

Sawyer Robbins 26:28 And your actions.

Mel Robbins 26:29 ... and our actions. And I also think we tried very much to make sure that if either one of us were truly upset or frustrated or disappointed or sad, that you knew that it wasn't about you. That it was something going on in our lives, that you were not to blame for negative emotions that we were feeling. Is that true?

Sawyer Robbins 26:55 Yes. You were very outspoken about that. When, like, you would be in a bad mood or something you would make sure, like even like the first thing you would say I feel like when you would come in the room is, "This is not about you. Like, this has to do with something else." And then you would continue to be a bitch.

Mel Robbins 27:11 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 27:12 But it's fine. (laughs)

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 27:13 We- we did do all right if the first born is actually saying that stuff. Normally, it would just be the third born that would pick up on that.

Sawyer Robbins 27:19 I love you guys.

Mel Robbins 27:20 I love you too. All right, here's another one. Now let's go to older kids 'cause this is-

Sawyer Robbins 27:24 Aw.

Mel Robbins 27:24 ... 'cause I think most people are now like-

Sawyer Robbins 27:26 Kind of.

Mel Robbins 27:26 ... 'cause so far the takeaway for me-

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 27:28 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 27:28 ... is seek connection, 'cause people are gonna wanna know the how. Like, we're talking conceptually-

Sawyer Robbins 27:32 No, seek connection over correction is so big.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a different mic/camera setup) 27:36 Hugely.

Sawyer Robbins 27:37 So big. You will- you will-

Mel Robbins 27:38 Be-

Sawyer Robbins 27:38 ... correct your kids through connecting with them. I think.

Mel Robbins 27:43 Yeah. Yeah. And-

Sawyer Robbins 27:44 I'm not a parent but (laughs) be vulnerable.

Mel Robbins 27:46 If you want your kids to be open with you, you have to model being open with them. And that doesn't mean sharing inappropriate things, 'cause I don't think you guys should have access to or know, like, the details about our marriage. Like, that's for Dad and I.

Sawyer Robbins 28:03 Thank God.

Mel Robbins 28:04 I- I- and- and so I feel like you have to model openness. You have to talk about what's going on in your life. You have to talk about your-

Sawyer Robbins 28:11 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 28:11 ... feelings. You've got to show your feelings. It-

Sawyer Robbins 28:12 I think that you guys showing that you're, that like at times you are weak shows that you're human and, like, makes, I don't know, like it gives us more space to do that too 'cause like I, like, okay, I'm gonna stutter for a second until I get to what I'm saying. But like in being weak, in crying in front of us, like I think so many parents are so, just try to look so strong and perfect in front of their kids all the time but it's like by showing your kids that like you guys are also human, like, allows your kids to feel those things too as they start to grow up. I also think, like I know so many of my friends 'til this day as a 23-year-old, they're all, a lot of them have been like, "I've never seen my parents cry. Ever." And I think, and not saying that you need to walk downstairs and bawl your eyes out every goddamn day. But like, I just think that not showing your true emotion to your kids is sad and not real life honestly. Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes. And I think that hiding that away from your kids and putting on a smile every single day makes a kid feel like they can't have a bad day.

Mel Robbins 29:30 Hm. I also think that a lot of parents think they gotta keep the stiff upper lip and they gotta stay strong and they gotta, like, be the one in charge because that's gonna make the kids feel safe. And I actually think when you see your parents being human, it makes you know that you can count on them to be honest with you. And that you can count on them to tell you-

Sawyer Robbins 29:52 Totally.

Mel Robbins 29:52 ... yeah, what's going on.

Sawyer Robbins 29:53 It's like honest feeling and communication.

Mel Robbins 29:56 Yeah.

Sawyer Robbins 29:56 Like, all right, let's move on to the next question-

Mel Robbins 29:58 Okay.

Sawyer Robbins 29:58 ... but takeaway, don't be a dictator. Just be vulnerable.

Mel Robbins 30:01 Yeah, connection over correction. Let's go to Christie.

Mel Robbins 30:05 Her daughters are teenagers and they've stopped connecting with me the way they used to and they're often behind closed doors or staring at their phone and I'm envious of the connection that you have with your daughters in particular. How can I get my teenage daughters to open up to me?

Sawyer Robbins 30:20 Okay, I think first and foremost, Christie, first and foremost, Christie, there's gonna be days when they're gonna wanna be locked up in their rooms on their phone and you're just gonna have to keep a smiling face on, keep, keep going. Like know that it's not personal at all. They're just, they're just in that moment of like, there is definitely a moment, there's a long ass moment in all of our lives, especially as teenage girls, that like your friends are more important than your family. Like, that's just how it goes in your development. That's just how it happens. Sawyer and I have both felt that simultaneously, eh, but I think, like, something that-I wouldn't say my mom and my dad didn't do but I wish they would've done more of, is like had more fun with us in those ages.

Mel Robbins 31:07 Mm.

Sawyer Robbins 31:07 Like, made experience happen between me, Sawyer, and my mom that, like, both Sawyer and I would have so much fun doing. Like going to paint pottery together and then going to CPK because their food fucking slaps. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 31:20 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 31:20 Or like, you know what I mean? Like going to the mall and going shopping or like, "Girls, today we're gonna go to the pumpkin patch and if you wanna bring your friends, bring your friends." Like, it, I think, like, showing that you care about your daughters and their friends, but also making time for the three of you to have fun together, like, those memories will just be, like, so crystallized in their minds I think.

Mel Robbins 31:39 Yeah, I didn't do that enough.

Sawyer Robbins 31:41 I completely agree with Kendall. I also can say, like, I think that as a teenage girl I was angry (laughs) and angsty and I literally sat up in my room as soon as I got home from sports and did my homework, went to bed, and then went to school. And on the weekends there was no time for family, it was just friends. And I think that that, like Kendall said, is honestly a phase in life, and I think as they grow older I can assure you that family does become more important, especially in college when you move away and you realize that, "Oh my gosh, I'm not living with them all the time. I'm g- get to go see them," and that day will come and I think that instead of just waiting for that day to come, I completely agree with Kendall in creating experiences that you know your kids will enjoy, especially your daughters, creating experiences that involve their hobbies, their interests. If they like horseback riding, take them to a horseback show, horseback riding show. If they like shopping, take them on a shopping trip to New York City. Um, something like that, like-

Mel Robbins 32:59 Mm.

Sawyer Robbins 32:59 And including their friends in those plans, I think. Like you, I think you did a really good job of, like, uh, I know I hosted a lot more than Sawyer did at our house, but like you were so, both of you were so great about like, "You wanna be around me but if that means that I'm not gonna be present with you but I'll be outside with my friends, so be it." Like you were so good about that and I think that's a huge thing for parents. Like if they wanna be with their friends, like, and you wanna be with them, like, l- letting your kids know that, like, you're pl- at your house, and I know that not everyone's homes can accommodate like lots of friends and stuff, but if you have a space where you can invite your kids to be with their friends, like, that's huge. And they will keep bringing their friends back like I did. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 33:40 Here's a question from Faye. "Uh, as a mom of two grown daughters

Mel Robbins 33:45 and a son who's still at home, I feel very regretful. I wish I could've done things differently and now I'm seeing my screw-ups play out in their lives, and it overwhelms me and brings me to my knees. And yes, I tell myself, 'You did the best you could with what you knew,' but that only gets me so far because I know in my gut I coulda been doing things way differently, and yet I kept repeating the same things because I was stuck in patterns. How as parents can we find peace now that our eyes are wide open about the mistakes that we made and actually start building a bridge back to our kids again?"

Sawyer Robbins 34:24 I think this is a question for the both of you. Wait, no, I actually have an answer. I was gonna say-

Mel Robbins 34:31 Can you put your mic...

Sawyer Robbins 34:33 I was gonna say tell them.

Mel Robbins 34:35 Ahh, yes.

Sawyer Robbins 34:36 Tell your kids how you're feeling. It's never too late to, like, build a beautiful relationship with them. I know that, like, we're very lucky, I'm very lucky to be a part of the Robbins family, but, like, I don't think that, like... Everybody on this podcast, everybody that's been requesting and sending in questions for my mom, like, tell your kids you're feeling this way. That is the most important thing you can do. Like, it is, it makes them feel so much more seen when you just tell them. Like imagine how it would feel if you just told your kid, "I wanna connect with you and I feel like I fucked up a little bit in the past."

Mel Robbins 35:08 It's incredible and I often think that the most profound advice is right in front of our face. And it's true. Like instead of talking to your girlfriends or your spouse, go straight to your adult kids and say, like, "I really regret that I didn't do more with your friends. I regret that I was not around as much as I would've liked to have been. I regret that we were struggling so badly financially that I couldn't afford to do those things." And so it does make me f- sad but it's one of the reasons why I'm like, oh, note to self, instead of trying to drag your kids closer to you, if you wanna be close to your kids, go to them.

Sawyer Robbins 35:53 Totally.

Mel Robbins 35:53 Go to them where they, you said hobbies, Sawyer, like don't make them do the shit that you like to do. Go do with your kids what they like to do. Even if you don't like their friends, invite their friends to be with you because then your, your child is gonna wanna hang with you.

Sawyer Robbins 36:10 I think also going off that that the perfect example that I can think of is, like, Oakley is really into video games and used to be-

Mel Robbins 36:19 A gamer? (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 36:20 ... a game, well he is a gamer but like-

Oakley Robbins 36:22 Used to be a big gamer.

Sawyer Robbins 36:23 No, he used to be a big gamer and obviously my dad is not. He doesn't play video games. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 36:30 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 36:30 But he brought him to a video game conference and they had an amazing time and bonded and I think that that was so special because I'm very aware that my dad is not sitting with Oakley playing video games for eight hours every day. But the fact that he can-

Oakley Robbins 36:49 No. (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 36:49 But the fact that he can, like, take you to a conference and bond with you that way even though video games is not his top of mind interest is the perfect example with diving into your kids' lives-

Mel Robbins 37:00 Mm.

Sawyer Robbins 37:00 ... even into something that makes you feel uncomfortable or just know nothing about, and so...

Mel Robbins 37:07 Well, he got choked-

Oakley Robbins 37:09 I would just like to say that I do not play video games for eight hours a day. (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 37:11 Jesus Christ. Can you talk about that experience-

Oakley Robbins 37:13 I have an image to uphold.

Sawyer Robbins 37:14 ... can you talk about that experience, please? But, yes, no, that was honestly, that was honestly a really cool experience because I don't even remember, like, asking Dad to do that with me. 'Cause, like, I remember Dad just coming up to me one day and being like, "Hey, there's this thing happening involving video games." I, I, what was I? I think it's called, like, anime. (laughs)

Oakley Robbins 37:30 No, it's called... I think it was called, what was it called? Pax East? I think it was called.

Mel Robbins 37:33 Yeah, Pax East.

Oakley Robbins 37:33 It was called Pax East. My dad was like, "There's this thing, like, involving video games. Do you wanna go?" And I was like, "Yeah. Like, I wanna go with you. Like, that will be so much fun." And so, I remember we just, like, went, and we walked around, and we, like, looked at all these booths, and we, like, played games together, and, like, it was a really cool and, like, fun experience, and I definitely will always remember that. And it was like, it was the cool s- it was really cool seeing him take interest in my life. Like, that, like, felt nice because it also made me feel like what I was doing was, like, okay.

Sawyer Robbins 38:01 Mm.

Oakley Robbins 38:01 Like, there wasn't something wrong with what I enjoyed, 'cause, like, he was willing to be like, "Well, let's, let's go do something about that." Which felt really nice at the time.

Mel Robbins 38:09 Do you think a lot of parents make the mistake of forcing their kids to do things that they like instead of letting their kids be themselves?

Oakley Robbins 38:15 Yes.

Sawyer Robbins 38:17 Yes. Yes. I think a lot of parents, sports is a big one. I mean, I think it's-

Oakley Robbins 38:21 Mm-hmm.

Sawyer Robbins 38:21 ... sports is def- I'm not a parent, so I can't really speak on this. But, like, I think it's, like, a l- there are a lot of life lessons and values into like l- making your kids play sports. But, like, our parents made Oakley play literally-

Oakley Robbins 38:33 Ever- I literally played every single sport.

Sawyer Robbins 38:34 ... every single sport under the sun from gymnastics to diving to soccer to lacrosse, and, like, he would play every single sport for half a season. He hated every single one of them, and my parents would pull him out and be like, "What do you wanna try next?" And he would tell them, and I, I mean, you can speak on this more because this was your experience, but I think a lot of parents, like... What I was gonna say in general is, like, I think there, y- what you guys have mastered is, like, you brought us into the world not so you could live through us, but so we could be our own people. And you have mastered the art of, like, teetering between letting us be our own person and not being a fuck up. And I think a lot of parents bring their kids into the world so they can live through them, and in doing that, make them play soccer until their bones are aching, make them get straight As because that's what they wished they would do, make them do this, make them do that until, like, they don't even know who the fuck they are by the time they're 22. And obviously, they're not connected to their parents then. They don't know who they are, but you guys and what I think a lot of you guys listening to this podcast, what I would advise you to do is, like, figure out how it feels for you and what it looks like for you to bring somebody into the world so they can be their own person, not so you can make them be somebody that you wish you might've been. Mic drop. That was phenomenal.

Oakley Robbins 39:57 Boom.

Mel Robbins 39:58 Yeah. That basically was it. I wanna do some rapid fire questions.

Sawyer Robbins 40:02 Let's go.

Mel Robbins 40:03 Okay. 18-year-old college freshman

Mel Robbins 40:06 hates where she is. She has a long-term boyfriend who went to another college two hours away. A month before she left for college, she wanted to switch to the college her boyfriend was attending without even touring it. What do we do? Because she loved college before she went, and then, as mom says, "Shit got real at orientation." And now she wants to leave 'cause she, quote, "doesn't like college" and hasn't met friends. What do you say to your kid who does not like freshman fall of college?

Sawyer Robbins 40:43 All right. Let me just tell you something. This is the story of my life. (laughs) This is exactly what happened to me, um, word for word. I went to Boston College. I had a boyfriend at the time who went to University of Michigan. I absolute- I was obsessed with it. I was so excited to go. I was proud to be an Eagle. I showed up and immediately didn't see the rah-rah, fraternities, sororities. I didn't have a massive friend group. I had one friend who I met at orientation, and literally for the entire year, she was my only friend. I was miserable. I sat in my room every single day, bawling my eyes out, begging my parents to come pick me up or Uber me 20 minutes home because I didn't wanna be there. I attempted to join a bunch of clubs to try to meet people, and I tried to take all the steps in which I thought would be the best way to meet people, et cetera, make friends, and I didn't connect with literally anyone. And so, what my advice is, another, another part of that is I can comp- completely relate to the high school boyfriend who is at another college. All you wanna do is be with them. You just came off an amazing senior summer. You, et cetera, I'm sure you have heard this story. But my advice to you is she has to stay for a year. She... I really believe this because my entire Boston College experience for my entire freshman year was horrible. And I do have to put that out there. But I went back because I didn't know where I wanted to transfer, although I wanted to transfer, and I had the best year of my entire life my sophomore year. And I literally think that was solely because my parents forced me to stay. They said, "You need to stick it through." And I honestly grew as a person so much that entire year because I was in pain, uncomfortable, trying to meet new people, all of which brought me to the best people in the world at Boston College.

Mel Robbins 43:03 Well, it also brought you to the best version of you. See, this is an example of guardrails. If you always allow your kid to bounce from a situation that makes them uncomfortable, their anxiety increases.And here's what you can do in that situation. You can say, "I hear you. That is hard, and we're paying for the tuition so you need to stick out the year, and if you are that miserable, here's what you could do. You can transfer." And so, put all that energy into applications and figuring out where you wanna go. And so, you acknowledge what your child is feeling, you validate their experience so that they feel seen and heard, and then you help them come up with solutions. And, you know, one of the things that I always say to you guys, even though I know that you guys make fun of me is, "Do you want me to listen? Do you wanna hear my advice? What do you need?" And then, nine times out of ten, you guys do not want advice, you just want me to listen. And then you end up going, "So, should I... What do I wanna do?" I have another question, 'cause I think that was excellent advice. Do not rescue them, do not let them bounce 'cause they're nervous. Make them stick it out, and then help them think of solutions-

Sawyer Robbins 44:17 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 44:17 ... both for sticking it out and also for changing the situation if that's what they want. Our- in fact, our- your cousin is going through this right now.

Sawyer Robbins 44:25 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 44:26 So, uh, another one.

Sawyer Robbins 44:27 Wait, one more thing, though. Also, is you always said when I was complaining that I had no friends freshman year, in terms of the solutions, for an example of a solution is my mom always used to say, "Well, why don't you just go knock on someone's door?" Or, "Why don't you Instagram DM to- DM someone to get lunch?" And at first, I always said, "No, that's so weird. I'm not gonna do that." Like, "I have no friends," et cetera. But, then I started to get desperate and I started taking her advice and it actually worked.

Mel Robbins 44:59 Final question. "We do not like the person that our 18-year-old is dating.

Mel Robbins 45:06 On a couple of occasions, they have been rude to my husband, and ever since seeing them, she doesn't talk to us like she used to. I don't trust this person. I don't think they're a good fit for my child. What do I do?"

Sawyer Robbins 45:23 Okay. Well-

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a brief interjection) 45:24 Really just singling out their abuse.

Sawyer Robbins 45:25 Um, Sawyer, I'm gonna let you meditate on this one while I take the wheel right now. Um, I- (clears throat)

Mel Robbins 45:33 What do you not do?

Sawyer Robbins 45:37 What you should not do is make your daughter or your son or your child feel as though they cannot bring the significant other over, because I think as somebody that was in a relationship that was very healthy and loving in, in high school, I watched my sister in a relationship that I know she was happy in for a while, but I think towards the end, whatever, it had, it- it ha- it ended for a reason. But I think one of the rea- like, I watched her shut down whenever we would talk about how we felt like they weren't a good fit or we felt like maybe she wasn't herself around him, and I think that the more and more you talk about how you don't like the significant other, the more and more your daughter's gonna pull away. You need... She's at a phase in her life. She's with this person for a reason. If it's not love, it's a lesson. She's gonna learn something from it. As long as she is safe and there's no abuse going on, telling her that she can't be with him, telling her bl- all this stuff, like, it's only gonna push her further away from you. And I think that, like, again, honest and open communication. Talk to her, tell her, "We love you, but we feel like you're not yourself around this person. Is there a reason why? Is there anything we can do?" Et cetera, et cetera. Dad, go for it.

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a brief interjection) 46:46 Did you, did you hear that from us, Sawyer?

Sawyer Robbins 46:50 I heard-

Parent guest (likely Chris or Mel in a brief interjection) 46:52 'Cause I think we said that. The question is whether you heard us say that.

Sawyer Robbins 46:56 S- so the thing is, is when I was in this position and you were very open and honest, made it very clear that he is more than welcome over, you guys really enjoy him, all this stuff, and I think what I heard when you would say things along the lines of, "I don't think this relationship is necessarily great for you anymore. You are not yourself around him." Which I think is our biggest takeaway. And they always phrased the conversation less about him and more about how I was and who I want to be and who I'm meant to be, and he was not making that possible for whatever reason. And I think that by my parents always framing the conversation and putting it back on me rather than blaming it all on my current boyfriend at the time, I... It did obviously make me pull away at a bit in the moment, but I think those, those conversations about how they were feeling and while they- them putting it all on me eventually made me feel... They alwa- essentially, they always stayed in my mind. I wasn't actively listening, but in the back of my mind whenever I was with him after those conversations, in the back of my mind I would be questioning, "Is this right? Is this not right? I really love him." (laughs) "I wanna be with him. He makes me feel comfortable. I..." Et cetera. But then, in the back of my mind, I would consider, "Yes, but who am I?" And-

Mel Robbins 48:40 Hmm.

Sawyer Robbins 48:40 ... I think that that... By framing the conversation towards your daughter rather than putting all the blame on the boyfriend, I think that that obviously might not make her immediately end things, but at the same time, it will stick with her forever. I can assure you that.

Mel Robbins 48:57 Yeah. I, um, I think that's a good insight. So, I got two things from that. Number one, again, let's go back to one of the huge takeaways. Do not drag your kids to you. Go to them. So, being super welcoming even if you don't like the person. Um, I realize the rudeness is a hard thing to deal with if that's the situation.

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 49:18 If they're not in a dangerous situation, I think the more you can make them feel welcome at your place, do things with them, take them out to dinner, uh, the more you got eyes on them, the more you have a better handle on the situation. The second thing-

Sawyer Robbins 49:32 True.

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 49:33 ... (clears throat) and they're never gonna wanna hang out with you if you're super judgy. And I thought that Dad and I, 'cause I actually really liked who we were talking about, I just didn't like who you were in it, because you changed.

Sawyer Robbins 49:45 Mm.

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 49:46 And I think that's ... You wanna talk too?

Sawyer Robbins 49:52 No, I was just, I feel like that's happened to me as well.

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 49:55 Well, go say something.

Sawyer Robbins 49:57 I don't know. I-

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 49:59 Talk.

Sawyer Robbins 49:59 ... I think I, I was in a relationship for about a year and a half, and it was a great relationship. It was very healthy. Um, but I, I, I would say that I was not myself around my family. Um, (smacks lips) there was a lot of, um, I don't know if sneakiness is the right word, but I definitely- Go away.

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 50:24 I definitely, I wanted to... My biggest goal in that relationship was, like, to make sure that th- she was comfortable and she was happy, and she, she would tend to become, like, uncomfortable in certain situations. Most of those situations involved being around my family, so I, whenever she'd come over, I would basically, like, hide her away in my room because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, and I was going out of my way to make sure she was comfortable. And I remember, I had so many conversations with you guys about how I was, like, different and, like, you, there was nothing wrong, but you just wanted to hang out with us more and you felt like you still didn't really know her. And I think throughout the whole entire relationship, like, those thoughts never left my mind. Like Sawyer was saying, like, they were always in the back. Um...

Sawyer Robbins 51:08 I was gonna say that's ... Thank you for sharing Oak- snacks for Oakley. Thank you, thank you. Um, what I was gonna say is I think as some- like I said before, as somebody that was in the opposite of that kind of relationship, me and my high school boyfriend didn't leave my parents alone. (laughs) But I would witness you guys always having conversations with Sawyer, and I witnessed some of the conversations you had with Oakley, just, like, about the significant other and about how these two were being in that relationship, and I think, like, back to the whole honest communication thing, like, you would always have these conversations, non-judgmental conversations, with both of my siblings to the point where it didn't... Like, you were open and honest about how you felt and how you were noticing their behavior change, but, like, it was never judgmental. It was never like, "You need to break up with him. You need to, you need to do this," to the point where, like, I think it almost made them feel more comfortable talking to you about it, 'cause like, then when Sawyer would have issues with this guy or Oakley would have issues with his girlfriend, like, he would, they would still come and talk to you because they know that you wouldn't be like, "Well, now's your time to break up with them. You have to break up with them." You would just be like, "Okay. How are you feeling?" Like, do you know what I mean?

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 52:17 I don't get the sense where you were like that with Sawyer.

Sawyer Robbins 52:19 You weren't like that with me. Wait, I feel like you were. Whenever you, whenever she had issues-

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 52:22 I don't know, it's Sawyer, it's Sawyer's, Sawyer's experience.

Sawyer Robbins 52:26 No, I agree. I think that what, and obviously, once again, I'm the oldest child, so I was the first rodeo, but I think that what happened was at first it was very, "Oh, well, I don't think you guys should be together," like, "I think you should break up," overpowering, and then I think they sensed that I was pulling away, and then all of a sudden they made a flip and it was constantly like, "Oh, well, what are, what are you and so-and-so up to tonight? Like, you guys are more than welcome to come back over and hang out here. Like, we'd love to see him. We'd love to see you. We can cook you dinner." And I think that, unfortunately, I had already seen the first side of things, so I was already self-conscious about how they felt, et cetera, and, like, Oakley hid him away in my room every time we hung out. But I, I do, I, I did really appreciate the shift in communication and understanding of where I was coming from. You did that? You created a little, like, hideout for her boyfriend? No, no, not for Sawyer's place.

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 53:28 No, no, no. (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 53:29 I'm just saying, like, in relation to mine. Hopefully hid in the room while they were together.

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 53:32 All right. One final one, and I think this is important given the rise of mental health issues-

Sawyer Robbins 53:38 Okay.

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 53:38 ... right now in middle schoolers.

Sawyer Robbins 53:41 And

Sawyer Robbins 53:42 high schoolers and everyone.

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 53:44 "We're not sure, we're not sure why, but our 12-year-old daughter is being excluded from her friend group. I often hear her crying in her room, but when I talk to her about it, she won't tell me anything. What do I do?"

Sawyer Robbins 54:00 That's a hard one. You could try relating to her, like telling her, like opening up to her first and then seeing if she'll respond like that. 'Cause I feel like everybody has a situation in their middle school or high school days where, like, something shitty happens in a friend group- Yeah. ... and I feel like if you go to her and you're like, "Look, I've noticed that, like, something's going on in your friend group. Like, when I was so-and-so age, like, this happened to me," and it may make her feel more inclined to say something. I think another thing too is when you do broach the conversation, like, even if she's, like, very quick to not say anything back to you, like, make it very clear that, like, you're just there to listen and you just wanna be there for her and that you're not gonna do anything, because I think a lot of middle schoolers are petrified that, "If I tell my mom that I'm getting bullied, she's gonna go and yell at all the bullies and then I'm gonna get bullied triple the amount of times I'm already getting bullied." So, like, make it clear to her, like, "I will not be telling your teachers, telli- scolding anybody. Like, I am your teammate and whatever you need me to be, I will be for you, but please just let me be there for you."

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 55:12 I think that last part's genius.

Sawyer Robbins 55:15 Don't-

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 55:15 To promise you're not gonna do anything.

Sawyer Robbins 55:16 Yeah. Promise you're not gonna do anything about it. Just promise you're gonna listen.

Mel Robbins (in extended advice segment) 55:19 If you could tell parents listening-

Mel Robbins 55:23 One, two, three,

Mel Robbins 55:25 just any behavior change specifically that they could adopt today that would help them create a better relationship with their kids. What are, what are something that you could do specifically that would really help?

Sawyer Robbins 55:38 One thing, stop grounding your kids. I can assure you, it does nothing but make them want to retreat and do the complete opposite of what you're telling them not to do.

Mel Robbins 55:50 What should they do instead?

Sawyer Robbins 55:53 Honestly (laughs)

Oakley Robbins 55:55 (laughs)

Sawyer Robbins 55:55 Honestly, like, have the conversation and explain why it upset you and why it made you frustrated with why they did it. And I think just, like- It happens again. ... if it happens again, then let's discuss it then, and then we can talk about a punishment. But the grounding thing, I can assure you, all my friends used to get grounded, and as soon as their, quote, "punishment" or grounding ended, they would go... The second they were ungrounded, they would go straight to the party, and they would go straight to doing double the amount that they were doing before. Mm-hmm. So I can assure you, grounding, please just stop. It really, really... I'm never seen it work on anyone. Um, I would say... be vulnerable with your children. Um, cry in front of them, be sad in front of them, be happy in front... Like, emote in front of them in a real, authentic way, like how you would with your own friends and people your age. I think that's like, you're just showing them that you're human. Like, that's what they're trying to be too.

Oakley Robbins 57:09 I would definitely say just, like, just be there for your kid, like, be their backup. Always let them know that you have their back and you're gonna be there to help them whenever they need it, no matter what.

Sawyer Robbins 57:19 I think another thing that we talked about earlier is make sure that when you are with your kid and you're listening to the- your kid, th- you make it very, very clear that what they say to you will go nowhere. And that means not to your fiance- not to your spouse, not to your friend, not to your dog, literally anyone. It is just between you two, because I can assure you, it n- n- feels so invalidating to tell a parent something and then n- either... Like, even say I tell my mom something, and then the next day, my dad comes to me and asks if I'm okay about that. Like, that doesn't feel good, because I felt like I was in a trust circle with her, and I just wanted her to know that. And so I really think that making sure your kid knows that it's just gonna stay between you two, and then it actually does, and then you don't go on your walk with all your girlfriends the next day and explain your kids biggest issue, is seriously like crucial. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna butt that. Yeah, just have your kids' back, like same umbrella. Trust... If you tr- if you give your kids your trust, like, I- I think just trust, like, trust them. Give them more... Get- let out the leash a little bit and trust that, like, yeah, they might fall, but they're still on the damn leash. Like, yank them back, like (laughs) you know what I mean? Like, trust them, be vulnerable with them, go to them, go take interest in what they're interested in. Don't ground them. Have conversations with them. Be honest with them. Like, be... All we're saying is just be a human being to them, like, you're no different now that you're a parent. I mean, obviously, yes, you are different. You have a lot more responsibilities, but you still are made of the same chemicals and feel the same emotions. Like, why would you turn that off? They wanna see that too. That's the most important thing you can do, is just be a human, be you.

Oakley Robbins 59:25 Request that this video goes on.

Mel Robbins 59:25 We have to let us go back. Thank you, guys.

Sawyer Robbins 59:27 Hey, guys.

Mel Robbins 59:29 Thank you.

Sawyer Robbins 59:29 Guys, guys, wait. So

Mel Robbins 59:29 Are we gonna do the I love you?

Sawyer Robbins 59:31 No. We're... ******.

Mel Robbins 59:31 No. Goodbye.

Sawyer Robbins 59:32 (laughs) Let's huddle. Let's do our huddle.

Mel Robbins 59:34 Okay. We're gonna huddle, everybody. We do a family huddle. (upbeat music) Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe, 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Mwah.