How Do I Learn to Love Myself, Really? | The Mel Robbins Podcast

1. 0:00 – 2:49

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:03

      This is really like your debut on the podcast.

   2. OROakley Robbins0:06

      Feels great.

   3. MRMel Robbins0:06

      (laughs)

   4. OROakley Robbins0:07

      Glad to be here.

   5. MRMel Robbins0:08

      I want to talk to you about the topic of self-love, because the majority of people struggle with accepting, liking, and loving themselves.

   6. OROakley Robbins0:18

      Right.

   7. MRMel Robbins0:18

      And you are 17 years old and you seem to have had a profound breakthrough, truly, authentically liking and loving yourself.

   8. OROakley Robbins0:27

      Hmm.

   9. MRMel Robbins0:28

      Was there a moment that you had an epiphany or like what freaking happened?

   10. OROakley Robbins0:35

       Yeah. I'd love to tell you.

   11. MRMel Robbins0:36

       Okay. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to an absolutely freaking amazing episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. Woo. I gotta take a deep breath because I have some serious goosebumps about what's gonna go down today with you and me. You're about to hear a conversation that I just had with our 17-year-old son, Oakley. Here's what we're talking about. We're talking about self-hatred and self-acceptance and learning how to be kinder to yourself and self-love. And you're gonna hear that our son used to struggle deeply with hating himself, and this was happening during elementary school, during middle school, and it was absolutely terrifying for Chris and I to watch one of our kids struggle so profoundly. He was always picked on. He didn't have a lot of friends. He spent a lot of time alone. He always felt like the odd guy out. And we tried absolutely everything to reach this kid, to help him. So Oak and I had this long conversation about it because now he's 17, and he is so happy. In fact, he's one of the most self-accepting and self-assured and self-loving people I know. And you're gonna hear that 17-year-old happier version of him. And the reason why I wanted to share this really personal conversation with you is because Oakley and what he's gonna share with you about self-hatred and how he started to learn to accept himself and be kind to himself and love himself, this is proof that you can learn how to accept yourself and be kinder to yourself and even how to love yourself and who you're becoming at any age. I mean, I think it's incredible that he figured this out so young. For me, I've been working on this, uh, literally daily and I'm 54. And so if you struggle with self-acceptance, if you struggle with being kind to yourself, it is never

2. 2:49 – 3:39

   It is never too early or late to start working on self-acceptance…

   1. MRMel Robbins2:49

      too early or too late to have an enormous breakthrough in your relationship to yourself. And this is really important. It's really important because based on the research, there was this massive study done in the UK where they took a look at absolutely every single behavior or attitude change you could make or you could practice in terms of improving your life. And they looked at everything. They looked at changing your diet, practicing gratitude, having a meditation practice, exercising regularly, seeing your friends more, all the things that we know we should be doing, right? But do you know that the single behavior change that has the biggest and most profound impact on your quality of your day-to-day life is simply being kinder to yourself? Yeah. That's right. According to the research, being

3. 3:39 – 9:42

   Research - being kinder yourself is the biggest indicator of your happiness

   1. MRMel Robbins3:39

      kinder to yourself, learning how to accept and love yourself, it is the biggest mover in terms of your happiness, meaning confidence, all of it. And the sad thing about this study is that habit of being kinder to yourself, of accepting yourself, of loving yourself, it's the one we practice the least. And so today's episode of the Mel Robbins podcast is a deeply personal, encouraging, optimistic, at times funny because it's so relatable and sad, conversation that could change your life. And I'm gonna invite you to listen because I'm sure there are aspects of yourself that you hate or that you trash. I'm sure, like me, you're still working on being kinder to yourself and loving yourself, and so there's something here for you. And there's definitely something here for you to share with the high schoolers and college kids and middle schoolers in your life. And the reason why is, you know, it's one thing when adults tell you what to do, but when you hear a kid like Oakley describe in detail the things he hated about himself when he was in sixth grade and seventh grade and eighth grade, these were things I didn't even know that he hated about himself. This is so relatable to other kids and to other young adults that you're gonna wanna share this with everybody. And by the way, the way that this is gonna go is I'm gonna bring you into this really personal conversation that Oakley and I had, and then there are gonna be times where I stop and I unpack something because there's something profound and deeper going on. Or there'll be times where I stop and I give you more tools that you can use so that you can learn how to love yourself and practice this habit of being kinder to yourself. Because this is exactly what my last book, The High Five Habit, was all about, the science and the research and the habits of learning how to be kind to and cheer for and love yourself. And one final thing that I want to say before we jump into this is I know that many of you are gonna write to me about my relationship with Oakley because that's what happened when you heard the episode, uh, where my daughter Kendall and I were talking. The fact is, I do have a really unique relationship with Oak, and it's probably a byproduct of a number of things. First of all, he is our third kid, and you know that you're kinda different with all your kids. So he's the third,He's also got two older sisters who are major oversharers, okay? And so, they have not only micromanaged their little brother, they have also dumped all of their own feelings and struggles and everything with him and they have yanked his stories out of him. On top of that, uh, my husband Christopher, Oak's dad, is a yoga instructor. He leads a men's retreat called Soul Degree. He's studying to be a death doula. He's a very deep, introspective guy, and that has definitely impacted Oakley. And one final thing. You know, there have been several pretty bad bullying incidents that Oakley has survived, and in each one, I was the one that went barreling in to protect the kid. You know, when he was bullied at this camp, Mama Bear Mel Robbins, I put the pedal to the metal and I floored it 120 miles an hour to that camp and squealed in there and marched into that camp director's office and gave that camp director a new one, and then I ripped my kid out of there. And I think having seen me just go explosive on his behalf, I think it makes him way more open with me about what's going on. So, with all of that as a background, and one final disclaimer. He is 17. He is in that stage in high school. Every kid goes through it, whether they do it in front of you or not. It's the Fs stage where they drop the F-bomb all the time and they're all the cool kid. And I made a decision that as he was talking and he drops the F-bomb here and there, as he was talking, I didn't want to stop the flow. I didn't want to become the corrective mom. I wanted to just let the conversation flow, and so you will hear this 17-year-old drop the F-bomb occasionally, so please do not have the littles around. Protect their little ears. And just know that we edited some of them out, but we left a bunch in because I just wanted you to hear a very honest conversation about self-hatred and self-love between a 17-year-old boy and his mom. All right. Let's jump into it. This is really like your debut on the podcast.

   2. OROakley Robbins8:34

      Feels great.

   3. MRMel Robbins8:35

      (laughs)

   4. OROakley Robbins8:35

      Glad to be here.

   5. MRMel Robbins8:36

      Okay. I'm glad you're here too.

   6. OROakley Robbins8:40

      Thanks for having me.

   7. MRMel Robbins8:41

      You're welcome. So, I want to talk to you about the topic of self-love, because the majority of people struggle with accepting, liking, and loving themselves.

   8. OROakley Robbins8:54

      Right.

   9. MRMel Robbins8:55

      And you are 17 years old and you seem to have had a profound breakthrough truly, authentically liking and loving yourself.

   10. OROakley Robbins9:05

       Hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins9:06

       And I was not like that at 17.

   12. OROakley Robbins9:08

       Hmm.

   13. MRMel Robbins9:09

       At 17, I fricking hated myself, and I have not truly started learning all about self-acceptance and self-kindness and self-love until the last couple years, and so I want to know, was there a moment that you had an epiphany or like, what fricking happened?

   14. OROakley Robbins9:34

       Yeah, I'd love to tell you.

   15. MRMel Robbins9:35

       Okay.

   16. OROakley Robbins9:37

       So-

   17. MRMel Robbins9:37

       Maybe you should give everybody a little background-

   18. OROakley Robbins9:39

       I will.

   19. MRMel Robbins9:39

       ... of Oakley before he loved himself.

   20. OROakley Robbins9:41

       I will.

   21. MRMel Robbins9:41

       Okay.

4. 9:42 – 13:46

   Oakley’s road to self-acceptance, the struggle to love himself

   1. MRMel Robbins9:42

   2. OROakley Robbins9:42

      So, to give context, uh, 13, I feel like you start to become very self-conscious, like 11 and so on. Like 11, like 13 is when it really, like 11 to 13 is when it starts.

   3. MRMel Robbins9:56

      Yep.

   4. OROakley Robbins9:56

      I think that's when it begins. So, I'd say that I started to be a little self-conscious when I was 13. I had very short hair, like so short to the point where it wasn't even curly like it is now.

   5. MRMel Robbins10:14

      Mm-hmm.

   6. OROakley Robbins10:15

      Um, it was blue and red and, uh, bleach and pink and, it was every color. It was every color, always.

   7. MRMel Robbins10:22

      Why was it every color?

   8. OROakley Robbins10:23

      'Cause I really wanted to just do that. I woke up one day and I was like, "I want that. I want that." And then like a few months later I was like, "Oh my God, I don't want this." And I couldn't do anything about it because my whole head was literally a different color. So, I think that's when I started to be like, oh, like, uh, I don't know. Like, I'm not liking myself right now. And also like, I feel like I was definitely struggling with weight issue. I don't know. I'd look at myself and look at other... I was 13. I was 13. It was, it was, it was weird.

   9. MRMel Robbins10:48

      Yeah, but what would you look in the mirror and see?

   10. OROakley Robbins10:50

       Chubby cheeks, double chin, man boobs, moobs. (laughs) Get out of the shower and be like, "Ugh, no." And I was 13. Like, I was so young.

   11. MRMel Robbins11:01

       You told me a story once-

   12. OROakley Robbins11:02

       Yeah, the, the jeans.

   13. MRMel Robbins11:03

       ... about... Yeah.

   14. OROakley Robbins11:04

       Yeah, so seventh grade Oakley, bleached hair, no eyebrows. I didn't have eyebrows.

   15. MRMel Robbins11:11

       Well, they hadn't-

   16. OROakley Robbins11:11

       They hadn't grown in.

   17. MRMel Robbins11:12

       They were there.

   18. OROakley Robbins11:12

       They hadn't like-

   19. MRMel Robbins11:13

       But they were really, really blonde.

   20. OROakley Robbins11:14

       They were very blonde. So, it looked like I had no eyebrows, I had blonde hair, um, and my... One day I wore skinny jeans and I just like, liked how they felt. Like, I liked the look of skinny jeans on me. So, I continued to wear them every single day. Every single day, like, like-

   21. MRMel Robbins11:30

       I remember this.

   22. OROakley Robbins11:31

       ... October to like, um, April.

   23. MRMel Robbins11:34

       Yeah.

   24. OROakley Robbins11:34

       And like, you know that first day in April where it like, is just warm enough where you can like, not have to wear a sweatshirt or like, wear shorts for the first time and you're like, "Fuck yeah. Like, winter's over."

   25. MRMel Robbins11:43

       Yes.

   26. OROakley Robbins11:43

       And so I'm like, "Fuck yeah. Like, winter's over. Like, let me throw on a pair of shorts." And I go to school. I'm so excited. And the fir- like, no one even says good morning. The first thing everybody says is, "Your legs look so weird." And I was like, like, "What?" Like, this is the first time I'm ever not wearing like, jeans, and everybody's making fun of my legs and I'm like, "Oh my God." So, for the rest of the year, I wore jeans even in like, 70 and 80-degree weather because I was so worried about people being like, "Your legs look weird."

   27. MRMel Robbins12:13

       That's so sad.

   28. OROakley Robbins12:14

       I know, because I was just like, "Oh, my God. They think my legs look weird." Like, I don't wanna stand out. I don't want them to look at my legs.

   29. MRMel Robbins12:21

       What was it like that day at school with shorts on, having-

   30. OROakley Robbins12:26

       It was-
5. 13:46 – 16:29

   How small moments of judgment impact self acceptance

   1. MRMel Robbins13:46

      something about your appearance or your voice or your height or your skin color, how it affects us. It stays with you forever. You know, I can remember as you're talking an incident that happened in my life. It was ninth grade and this movie Flashdance was super popular. Jennifer Beals was the star of it, and I was so in love with that movie that I marched right to my mom's hairdresser and asked them to give me a Jennifer Beals perm. Now, to get curly hair like Jennifer Beals, you had to get layers first, and then I got a perm. I walked outta there and I looked like a Labradoodle. Tight curls, wavy, big moppy perm head. I thought it was fantastic. And so the next day, I go to school, Oak, and I'm wearing a sweatshirt, of course, with my shoulder exposed, because that was the Flashdance dance look. I didn't even take dance classes. I had my bouncy, full, new Jennifer Beals poodle perm, and I walked in, and I'll never forget walking down that hall, just like you with the jeans. It wasn't one person that pointed out the perm. It wasn't one person that laughed. It was like everybody in that hallway. And I went home that night, just like you went home and you never wore shorts again. I went home that night and washed my hair about 25 times to try to wash the perm out, which you actually can't do. (laughs) It just makes it frizzier. What happens in those moments is that none of us when we're kids have the ability to turn to the people criticizing us and be like, "You freaking idiots. My legs are fine." What we do in those moments where we feel separate is we turn against ourselves. And it's those tiny moments that happen over and over and over again where we turn against ourselves and we become obsessed with making other people not pick on us or like us or fitting in, that's where we lose that connection to self. Like, 'cause when you turn against yourself, it's literally an act of self-hatred. So, what happened next for you?

   2. OROakley Robbins16:07

      All right. So, what happens is eighth grade comes around-

   3. MRMel Robbins16:10

      Now, would you say at this point you like didn't like yourself? Or like, where were you about your-

   4. OROakley Robbins16:16

      There were times where I did-

   5. MRMel Robbins16:17

      ... relationship with other-

   6. OROakley Robbins16:17

      It was very like, I'd say it was like 70/30. Liked myself 30%, didn't like myself 70%.

   7. MRMel Robbins16:23

      Okay.

   8. OROakley Robbins16:23

      Uh, but eighth grade, you know, I'm older. I look a little bit older. It was a good year. I'd, I'd say it

6. 16:29 – 22:24

   Why Oakley stopped hating how he looked in the mirror

   1. OROakley Robbins16:29

      was a good year. Like, I kinda like wore shorts, thankfully. Um, I kinda got over that. I wore shorts. I, I kept wearing sweatshirts, though. My, my, the top half of my body was a big like, no, thank you. Because I-

   2. MRMel Robbins16:40

      (laughs)

   3. OROakley Robbins16:40

      I like, my boobs, my man boobs, they were not it. It was like, ugh, my God.

   4. MRMel Robbins16:46

      Okay, this is-

   5. OROakley Robbins16:47

      But anyways-

   6. MRMel Robbins16:48

      ... fascinating-

   7. OROakley Robbins16:48

      ... we're getting to the point, okay?

   8. MRMel Robbins16:49

      ... 'cause I never thought you had man boobs.

   9. OROakley Robbins16:53

      I did. I'd get out of the shower and I'd like take a step and I'd like see them like go up. (laughs)

   10. MRMel Robbins16:56

       They jiggle?

   11. OROakley Robbins16:57

       I'd be like, "No, dude! No!" Put my towel on around my like upper half like a girl does, like put the blow... No, no. (laughs)

   12. MRMel Robbins17:05

       Oh, my God.

   13. OROakley Robbins17:05

       I just like do the top. Walk to my room, put my clothes on, throw... I'd always wear a sweatshirt. I don't think there was ever a time where I didn't have a sweatshirt on.

   14. MRMel Robbins17:10

       Sara did the same thing when she was going through puberty.

   15. OROakley Robbins17:12

       Yeah. And so, what happened is 2020, COVID-19, big like lockdown, everybody's screaming and scared and-

   16. MRMel Robbins17:22

       Shut up. They weren't. Oh, please stop.

   17. OROakley Robbins17:24

       We are all in the shit show, except for me. It was a time of recreational activities, no one making fun of me, and nothing to do ever. Now, I'm not gonna like be like, "Oh, like people had it so easy during COVID-19." Like, no. It was fucking horrible for so many people. But for me, as a 14-year-old boy-

   18. MRMel Robbins17:43

       (laughs)

   19. OROakley Robbins17:43

       ... it was the time of my goddamn life.

   20. MRMel Robbins17:46

       (laughs) Oh, my God.

   21. OROakley Robbins17:47

       Um, I'd wake up, I'd play games all day.

   22. MRMel Robbins17:51

       (laughs)

   23. OROakley Robbins17:51

       I'd jump on the trampoline, I'd hang out with my dogs, I would eat whatever the hell I wanted. It was fantastic.

   24. MRMel Robbins17:57

       Oh, my. (laughs)

   25. OROakley Robbins17:58

       And I noticed that I'd stopped looking in the mirror and being like, "I don't look a certain way." Or, "I, I'm worried that this way that I look right now is gonna upset people," or all that, because I didn't have anybody to sh- I didn't have anybody to see.

   26. MRMel Robbins18:14

       That's right, you weren't going to school.

   27. OROakley Robbins18:14

       I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't seeing anybody. I didn't care.

   28. MRMel Robbins18:19

       Oakley, I have to stop you because I wanna point out two really critical things. Number one, you stopped caring about what other people thought. Now look, you had it easy 'cause you were locked in your house, so you didn't have to see people. But when you can figure out how to care more about how you feel today about yourself rather than focusing on caring whether or not people are gonna pick on you for the skinny jeans or your poodle perm, in my case, when you can actually stop caring and you can care more about your own happiness, that right there changes everything. And so, what you're describing is you had this epiphany that we all need to have, which is the only thing that matters is whether or not you're waking up today and you are gonna do things that make you happy. That's the only thing that you should care about. And there's a second thing that I wanna point out. Instead of being surrounded by people who are critical of you, which is what was happening in school, you were now stuck at home with four people who love you.

   29. OROakley Robbins19:33

       Exactly. I knew they loved me and I knew that they respected me, and I'd wake up every day and I wouldn't, like, look in the mirror and be like, "Well, there are my man boobs. There's, like, my ugly ass double chin."

   30. MRMel Robbins19:45

       (laughs) .
7. 22:24 – 23:47

   Oakley’s epiphany: you only go through life with yourself

   1. OROakley Robbins22:24

      single night and every single day, and you are the only person that you need to please. You are not going to live your whole life with the ability to please everyone else because that's not gonna make you happy. Because at the end of the day, if you're not happy, other people's happiness won't boost you.

   2. MRMel Robbins22:40

      It's true.

   3. OROakley Robbins22:40

      It won't make you feel better.

   4. MRMel Robbins22:42

      That's a crazy simple way to explain how profound it is when you learn how to accept, be kind to, and eventually love yourself. And you said something to me when we were talking about this that I thought was really, like, so simple but also gut-wrenching in its truth, which is when you were removed from the situation of walking into school where you were worried people are gonna pick on you, worried about whether you fit in, trying to get the attention off you, all of this energy pointed at managing this. And it's all energy that is based on the belief that there's something wrong with you.

   5. OROakley Robbins23:27

      Yeah.

   6. MRMel Robbins23:28

      That when that got removed and you were just quarantining with me and dad and your two older sisters, you had this epiphany where you're like, "Well..."

   7. OROakley Robbins23:40

      "There's nothing wrong with me."

   8. MRMel Robbins23:41

      Yeah. There's nothing wrong with me. Those five words,

8. 23:47 – 30:17

   The 5 words that will change your life

   1. MRMel Robbins23:47

      "There's nothing wrong with me," that will change your entire life. I mean, just imagine how big of a breakthrough it is if you could wake up every single day and believe there's nothing wrong with me, because the fact is, there is nothing wrong with you. You know, I spent, God, Oak, 40 plus years of my life waking up every day believing there was something wrong with me.And one of the first things that everybody has to do if they're gonna have a breakthrough in self-acceptance and self-kindness. Like, let's not even go to self-love yet. Let's just start with self-acceptance. You must start to tell yourself, "There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me." Like, acceptance just means accepting yourself exactly as you are and exactly as you aren't. "There's nothing wrong with me." That right there, if you could just do that, would completely change your relationship with yourself. Because we can't stop what other people might say, but you can absolutely alter and reprogram the way you talk to yourself. And so, let, I-I just wanna point out that that bar right there, "There's nothing wrong with me," if you just flip from constantly looking for what's wrong and now you start reminding yourself, "There's nothing wrong with me. Yeah, there are things that I could improve, of course, but there's nothing wrong with me." That is acceptance right there. And then, you had this second epiphany, which is you thought, "Well, if nothing's wrong with me, why don't I just like myself?" What a radical idea. I mean, imagine how much your life changes when you say to yourself, "Why don't I just like myself? I mean, other people can have opinions, but why don't I just like myself exactly as I am? I mean, I'm a good person. I'm trying hard. What's stopping me from liking myself?" I mean, it's a radical question. I mean, what's stopping you from liking yourself? Well, if you're like most of us, you're basically holding some goal out as the, uh, thing that you gotta do. Like, "Oh, I'd like myself if I lost 30 pounds. I'd like myself if I didn't have man boobs. I'd like myself if I didn't have bills piled up to the ceiling on my kitchen. I'd like myself if I didn't make all those mistakes." See, that's where we get it all wrong. I'm just talking about self-acceptance here. Because based on the research, you will never ever feel motivated to change anything for the better if you're bashing yourself all the time. So number one, there's nothing wrong with you. And number two, liking yourself is not gonna happen just because you lose the weight. You could make a decision to like yourself exactly where you are, simply because it feels good to like yourself, and also because you deserve that, and you need it. When you like yourself, when you accept yourself as you are, mistakes and all, boils, warts, whatever it is that you got, we all got something, when you feel a little bit better about yourself, an interesting thing happens. Through the self-acceptance first, "There's nothing wrong with me," and through a little bit of kindness, "Why don't I just like myself or at least treat myself like I like myself?" What happens, and I notice this with you, Oakley, is that you start to act like you like yourself. You start to be kinder to yourself. You start to feel a little bit more motivated. The more you treat yourself as if you like yourself, the more other people can have their opinions, but your opinion is that you think you're a pretty good person and you treat yourself kindly, and then it starts to snowball from there. So imagine if you realize that the only thing that's stopping you from liking yourself is your own judgment. That means that you have the power to remove the judgment and add in kindness, and that changes everything. And that's not only something that makes a lot of sense, Oak, there's a lot of research around this, that when you accept yourself and you're kindier to yourself, that you start to take better care of yourself. Like, when you look in the mirror and you're like, "Oh, I hate my man boobs," do you feel motivated to do s- no, of course not. That's why I can't make a difference with you, because the lack of motivation comes from your self-criticism. And so this whole thing hinges on acceptance first and then kindness towards self. That's exactly how everything changes, and I watched that happen with you, Oak.

   2. OROakley Robbins28:58

      Yeah. Why not just like yourself?

   3. MRMel Robbins29:00

      Well, let me, that, that brings me to something. So I wanna read to you a question from somebody who listens to the podcast.

   4. OROakley Robbins29:07

      Okay.

   5. MRMel Robbins29:09

      Corrine Schillinger, she says, "It's great advice, but here's the deal. Everyone says love yourself, accept yourself, validate yourself. These are general terms. No one actually knows what that means. What does loving yourself actually look like? What does that mean in our everyday lives? Please do an episode about what loving, accepting, and validating yourself looks like, feels like, specific examples. So many people are frustrated and find themselves confused by the advice love yourself."

   6. OROakley Robbins29:46

      Hm. Well-

   7. MRMel Robbins29:46

      So what, what does that mean? And give specific examples of what you do.

   8. OROakley Robbins29:51

      It is an incredibly broad term.

   9. MRMel Robbins29:54

      Yes.

   10. OROakley Robbins29:54

       Just love yourself. It's so easy to say. But I personally think that loving yourself is different for everybody. Everybody's gonna love themself in a different way. The way I like myself is I feel like there's always little things. There's always little things about yourself that you can find that you like.

   11. MRMel Robbins30:10

       Okay. So number one, find something little.

   12. OROakley Robbins30:13

       You know, it doesn't have to be big.

   13. MRMel Robbins30:14

       Okay.

   14. OROakley Robbins30:15

       Doesn't have to be big. It could be like-

   15. MRMel Robbins30:15

       So give us, give us three

9. 30:17 – 33:12

   Step 1 to loving yourself: Find something small you love about yourself

   1. MRMel Robbins30:17

      examples of little things you l- you like or love about yourself.

   2. OROakley Robbins30:20

      Right now?

   3. MRMel Robbins30:20

      Yes.

   4. OROakley Robbins30:22

      I'm not, I haven't looked in a mirror recently, but I think I like my hair right now.

   5. MRMel Robbins30:25

      Okay.

   6. OROakley Robbins30:25

      Pretty sure I like my hair right now.

   7. MRMel Robbins30:27

      Okay.

   8. OROakley Robbins30:27

      I mean, I'll check the photo later. Um, let's see here. I'm liking my smile right now. I really like my smile. Um...

   9. MRMel Robbins30:36

      (laughs)

   10. OROakley Robbins30:36

       And I'm also liking... I'm also liking, like, who I am and my friend group right now.

   11. MRMel Robbins30:43

       What does that mean? So what do you like about who you are? Give me a specific example.

   12. OROakley Robbins30:48

       It's kinda like how I'm acting with my friends and how I'm treating them and how I'm, like, respecting them and being there for them. I, I'm, I'm, I'm enjoying that. I'm liking that about myself.

   13. MRMel Robbins30:55

       You're proud of yourself.

   14. OROakley Robbins30:56

       I am proud of myself.

   15. MRMel Robbins30:57

       Can you give another example that is not about something physical?

   16. OROakley Robbins31:02

       About something physical. I'm proud of how I'm doing in school. I'm doing pretty well in school.

   17. MRMel Robbins31:06

       And do you know why you're doing well?

   18. OROakley Robbins31:09

       'Cause I'm trying?

   19. MRMel Robbins31:10

       Yes.

   20. OROakley Robbins31:10

       Yeah?

   21. MRMel Robbins31:10

       So you're proud of yourself for trying.

   22. OROakley Robbins31:12

       Yeah. I am. See, it's, like, those little things, like, when people are, like, negative, they th- It's also so, so more broad when they, when, uh, they're negative about themself and it's, like, a bigger thing. Like, "Oh, I don't like the way my stomach looks," or, "I don't like the way I look."

   23. MRMel Robbins31:27

       Or, "I don't like my grades," or, "I don't like this," and then you don't feel motivated.

   24. OROakley Robbins31:30

       Exactly.

   25. MRMel Robbins31:30

       'Cause you're beating yourself down.

   26. OROakley Robbins31:31

       Exactly.

   27. MRMel Robbins31:32

       And so you find, number one, little teeny things.

   28. OROakley Robbins31:35

       They can literally be like, "I like the color of my eye right now."

   29. MRMel Robbins31:38

       Yes.

   30. OROakley Robbins31:38

       It doesn't have to be, like, the world-ending, like, "I look like a god." No. It just has to be, like, very little.
10. 33:12 – 35:17

    Step 2: Name a win each day

    1. MRMel Robbins33:12

       you go to bed, scan your day and think of one win. Just a small win. And the reason why I want you to think of a small win is because you don't realize how much your brain is currently scanning for what's wrong. And I want you to start to create a habit where we're gonna retrain and reprogram your mind to look for what's going right, 'cause there's a whole lot going right in your day that you're not giving yourself credit for. And whether you got out of bed, that's a win. You got dressed, there's a win. You got to work, there's a win. You smiled at a stranger, there's a win. You treated yourself to a coffee today, there's a win. You got outside and looked at the sun, there's a win. I mean, there are so many things you do right and you don't even realize it, and so I want you to start to just interrupt the campaign of negative thoughts with one win before you go to bed. And in just a second, I'm gonna share my absolute favorite tool, but I just wanted to take a minute and say it's hard. You know, Oak sounds really upbeat and so do I and we're joking around because we're really good f- you know, we have a great relationship and Oakley doesn't hate himself anymore. And I'm actively working on self-kindness and self-love. But it's hard, right, Oak?

    2. OROakley Robbins34:39

       It's definitely hard. It's not gonna be easy to love yourself and it takes time. It's like a muscle. I'd say it's definitely like a muscle. When you work at it and you start off small, like, start off with small weight and then you get bigger, it becomes easier. If you're in a... If you're a very, think you're a very negative person right now, it's probably because it's a very unconscious decision that you're making, but when you start to try and work at it and you work more, it's gonna become more unconscious that you are nice about yourself.

    3. MRMel Robbins35:07

       Oh my gosh, Oak. I almost forgot the most important habit that helps with self-love and self-acceptance, and that's the high five habit. All right. I'm

11. 35:17 – 39:08

    Step 3: Use the High 5 Habit

    1. MRMel Robbins35:17

       gonna explain it. The high five habit, super simple, don't overthink this. I will do an entire episode about the high five habit, probably in January because there's so much science to cover and so many stories to tell you. It's also the subject of my New York Times best-selling book called The High Five Habit. But let me just tell you what this habit is, because it is the thing you need to know based on science and research to have a breakthrough in self-acceptance and self-love. Here it is. Tomorrow morning after you finish brushing your teeth, put the toothbrush down and now I want you to do the high five habit, and this is how you do it. First, you look in the mirror. For many of you, that's gonna be the hardest part. 50% of men and women based on our research cannot or will not look themselves in the mirror because they do not like the person they see. That is sad. And so, I don't want you to be surprised if simply looking at yourself in the mirror is really difficult. Step two, you are then going to raise your hand and high five your reflection. I know. It sounds dumb. It sounds stupid. Why would somebody do that? I'll tell you why somebody would do that in a later episode, because the science will-... is so profound, the neuroscience, the research on motivation, the research on mindset, the research on how, uh, the dopamine gets re- It's just unbelievable what happens when you simply high five yourself in the mirror. I just want you to practice it, and trust me on this one. Now, let me tell you what's gonna happen. When you go to raise your hand, I don't want you to say anything. Nothing. It's just about the action and watching yourself high five yourself. The action alone of high-fiving yourself does all the work neurologically, physiologically, chemically, and psychologically. It will take less than five days for you to have a breakthrough in self-love if you simply look in the mirror every morning and send yourself into your day by high-fiving yourself in the mirror. You may laugh. The reason why you laugh is because your brain releases dopamine. This is really normal. You might burst into tears. That's also very normal because you may not have looked at yourself for real or been kind to yourself for real in years. Many, many people are super surprised by how emotional they get by simply silently high-fiving themselves every morning in the mirror. If you have this visceral, "That's the stupidest thing," I really want you to do it because not being willing to simply try something that I'm telling you... We've had 164,000 people in 91 countries go through a five-day challenge with me called The High Five Challenge, I'll tell you about that in a minute, and the results are just irrefutable. This is the fastest way based on science to start rewiring your brain and to have a breakthrough in being kind and loving to yourself, and it works at a reprogramming level in your nervous system and in your brain. And it's all in the book, but I just want you to trust me on this. And so the best way to do this is let me coach you and support you because I have developed a free... that's right, no money, nothing to buy, free five-day challenge. It's called The High 5 Challenge, H-I-G-H, the number five, Challenge, H-I-G-H, the number five, Challenge, highfivechallenge.com. Register for free. If you want a true breakthrough in how you speak to yourself, how you feel about yourself, loving yourself, this is the fastest way to do it, and I would love to coach you. So High Five Challenge. I'll see you in it. All right, Oakley, thank you for letting me do that. Um, let's bring it home.

    2. OROakley Robbins39:02

       Actually, I have another thing I wanna say.

    3. MRMel Robbins39:03

       Tell me.

    4. OROakley Robbins39:04

       Guys, compliment each other.

    5. MRMel Robbins39:06

       Oh, great idea.

    6. OROakley Robbins39:07

       Like bring

12. 39:08 – 40:36

    Compliment each other, it feels good

    1. OROakley Robbins39:08

       up positive things about your friends. Like if you don't wanna draw attention to yourself and you wanna draw attention to each other, instead of being like, "Your hair looks weird," be like, "I love the way your hair looks right now," or, "You look great today," or, "That was really s- that was a really good point you brought up in that meeting or in class." Or just, like, that feels good. You can make other people feel good.

    2. MRMel Robbins39:24

       Yes, you can, and it makes you feel good and... One of the things that I learned later as a parent that I now do a great job at is I don't just compliment how you look. I compliment-

    3. OROakley Robbins39:36

       A specific part of how I look.

    4. MRMel Robbins39:38

       That's not what I was gonna say.

    5. OROakley Robbins39:39

       Oh, what the fuck were you gonna say? (laughs)

    6. MRMel Robbins39:40

       I was gonna say, your character.

    7. OROakley Robbins39:43

       Oh.

    8. MRMel Robbins39:43

       You're a great friend.

    9. OROakley Robbins39:44

       Yeah.

    10. MRMel Robbins39:45

        You try really hard.

    11. OROakley Robbins39:46

        Yeah. I think-

    12. MRMel Robbins39:47

        I love that you... I love... You know what I love most about you?

    13. OROakley Robbins39:50

        What?

    14. MRMel Robbins39:50

        Other than your, like, amazing-

    15. OROakley Robbins39:53

        Aura.

    16. MRMel Robbins39:54

        Yep.

    17. OROakley Robbins39:54

        (laughs)

    18. MRMel Robbins39:54

        That your aura is great. I love your aura. I would say it's purple.

    19. OROakley Robbins39:59

        It's like purple-y green.

    20. MRMel Robbins40:00

        Yes.

    21. OROakley Robbins40:00

        Yeah. (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

    22. MRMel Robbins40:01

        There's a little green fuzz there.

    23. OROakley Robbins40:02

        Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    24. MRMel Robbins40:03

        No, what I would say about you that I love most is I really admire how in tune you are with your own values-

    25. OROakley Robbins40:12

        Mm-hmm.

    26. MRMel Robbins40:13

        ... and how you live by them.

    27. OROakley Robbins40:15

        Mm-hmm.

    28. MRMel Robbins40:16

        I admire that in you.

    29. OROakley Robbins40:18

        Thank you, Mom. Thank you.

    30. MRMel Robbins40:19

        You're welcome.
13. 40:36 – 41:35

    You can only control how you show up for yourself and others

    1. OROakley Robbins40:36

    2. MRMel Robbins40:36

       Well, I love you.

    3. OROakley Robbins40:37

       I love you too.

    4. MRMel Robbins40:38

       And I believe in you.

    5. OROakley Robbins40:39

       And I believe in you guys.

    6. MRMel Robbins40:40

       And I believe in your ability-

    7. OROakley Robbins40:42

       Love this.

    8. MRMel Robbins40:43

       ... to learn how to love yourself, to be kinder to yourself, cheer yourself forward.

    9. OROakley Robbins40:49

       And we're rooting for you all the way.

    10. MRMel Robbins40:51

        That's why we're here. And we'll see you in a few days.

    11. OROakley Robbins40:53

        Yes, we will.

    12. MRMel Robbins40:54

        Dude, I love you. You fucking amazing.

    13. OROakley Robbins40:57

        Boom. (instrumental music)

    14. MRMel Robbins41:14

        Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Mwah.

Episode duration: 41:35