How to Figure Out What You Really Want: Use This Life-Changing Hack

Mel Robbins 0:00 One thing that's really struck me is how hard it can be to simply know what you want. I mean, let me ask you right now, what do you really want?

Guest 0:13 I want to move to New York this year.

0:16 I'd love to have a place on the lake to get away with my family.

Mel Robbins 0:20 Okay.

Guest 0:21 And she's like, "Okay, why?"

0:23 I made a lot of, I'm also gonna cry, a lot of promises to myself as a little girl and New York has always been one of them.

0:36 Then she's like, "Do you need a lake house for that to happen?" And just was this very, like, personal thing of feeling like I miss the amount of time we spent together when they were little.

Mel Robbins 0:52 Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I'm so glad that you're here with me today so that we can spend some time together. It is always such an honor to spend time with you, and I just want to acknowledge you for choosing to listen to something that could help you create a better life. And if you're a new listener, welcome. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so glad that you're here, and I'm particularly glad that you're listening right now today to this episode. And if somebody shared this with you and that's why you tuned in, the next time you see them, could you tell them thank you from me? Because they must really care about you. If they sent you this episode, wow, it means that they want to help you get what you want in life. Isn't that cool? This episode, by the way, it's a little bit different from the normal amazing episodes that are here on the Mel Robbins Podcast because what you're listening to today I have designed specifically as a workshop to help you gain the clarity and the courage and the conviction to answer one of the most important questions in life: What do you really want? And before we jump into it, let me just explain a little bit about the episode today, because it's one of these really special episodes that I do every once in a while that I design and create, and I think about it more like a free workshop. It's just a way for me to do a little more, just go the extra distance. I mean, I wanna do that for you because you have made the Mel Robbins Podcast one of the most popular listened to and watched podcasts in the entire world. I mean, I just learned this morning that we're about to surpass 150 million downloads of this show from those of you that are listening and from our subscribers on YouTube, where, by the way, you can watch every single episode of this podcast for free. And so that's why I wanna go to the extra distance, because I know that you listen to the Mel Robbins Podcast because you want to create a more meaningful and fulfilling life. So as a thank you, I do these workshops several times a year. In fact, I did one in January on the science of setting goals that almost a million of you have already taken. I'm gonna do another one on the science of goals this coming January, so you can look forward to that one too. In April, you and I did one about moving from thought to action, how you make things happen, and almost a million of you have completed that workshop. And so I am so excited to be back and share this workshop with you as well. And this one, this one is extremely important because it's gonna cover a topic that a lot of people miss, which is, how do you answer the question, "What do I want?" And this is so important because I personally think that the reason why so many people feel stuck or unsatisfied or even a little lost in their life is because if you don't know what you want, you're never gonna get it, because you don't even know what direction you should head in. And the other reason why this matters is because if you can't answer the question, "What do you want?" you don't know what you value or what you prioritize, which means people who do know what they want, they're always gonna come before you. So getting clear about what you want is the very first step to everything, really. And this is a hard question to answer because people can give you advice on how to make something happen, on the steps to take, but no one can answer this question for you. You have to answer this question for yourself.

Mel Robbins 4:37 And so I've designed this episode as a workshop to help you get laser focused on what you truly want at this exact moment in your life. And before we jump in, I just wanna set this workshop up and tell you what you can expect. Like all of the workshops that I've done on the Mel Robbins Podcast, this episode has a free companion workbook, and you can download it at the URL melrobbins.com/what, W-H-A-T. That URL again is melrobbins.com/what. And when you go to melrobbins.com/what, you're gonna find a link and you can download the workbook. You can also find that link in the description as well, and you can also find it in the show notes. And if you're driving right now or you're taking me on a walk with you, you do not need to hit stop and then download and come back. No, no, no, no, no. Just listen to me as you continue to drive or as you finish your workout or as you're going on your walk and think about the answers, 'cause I'm gonna guide you through a series of questions that will help you get to the truth about what you want in your life right now. And so I will also remind you of that URL, melrobbins.com/what, toward the end of the episode for those of you who are gonna listen while you drive and walk so you can come back and get the workbook later. My mission today is to guide you through a proven series of questions and exercises that will help you gain the clarity that you need to answer this really important question: What do I want?Because once you know what you want, it's super easy to organize your spare time and your energy and your focus and take the steps to help you start moving toward it. And before we jump in and I guide you through the process, I wanna remind you, share this with absolutely everyone that you care about, whether it's someone in your life who's in college and needs to pick a major, or maybe someone in your life has a really big decision to make, or maybe there's somebody who you just simply see a bigger future for themselves than they see for themselves right now. You know, I personally believe that we are all capable of achieving remarkable things, but you don't achieve them unless you know what you want, and the first step is getting clear. In fact, I'm in the middle of a lot of big decisions in my business right now, and I've been using the exact same process and framework that I'm about to walk you through to get very clear about what I want in my business next. What you're going to learn applies to every kind of decision that you could make, whether it's a decision about your kids, a relationship, your business, your health, your goals. And so, I want you to think about this episode as a resource that you can come back to over and over and over again, wherever you are in your life, whatever decision you need to make. I mean, maybe you started college and you're in a different place now than you were a year ago and you're thinking about changing your major. Maybe there's something going on in your relationship. When you fell in love, you were a different person, you had different priorities, and now you're kinda confused and you're trying to decide, "What do I really want?" It's not only normal to change your mind and your desires and your goals. It's unavoidable. And clarity, this clarity that I am gonna teach you today, this is a skill, and so is the courage of having conviction, about getting honest with yourself about what you truly want and what you value at this exact moment in your life. And you can learn how to do this, and you're gonna learn today. And the reason why this is important, I'm gonna say this one more time, only you can answer this question for yourself, not your significant other, not your kids, not your parents, not your friends, you. And if there's someone in your life that you really wanna empower, then send them this and give them the framework to help them answer the question and find the direction that they need. Because if you can hear my voice or you can watch me right now on YouTube, you will benefit from this workshop. So here's how this is gonna work. You're gonna download your workbook when you get a chance at melrobbins.com/what. And the workbook is important because it's a way for you to take the framework I'm about to walk you through and dive even deeper and get more clarity about what you want right now, and to help you figure out the direction you need to go or the decision that you need to make, or even solidify something that you want to do, but boom, you just needed that like, "Yeah, I'm on the right track." You know, because when I started this podcast just over 18 months ago, I just wanted to get the thing started. Like, I'm very clear, like, "Mel Robbins, you need to get this thing launched." In fact, if you've ever read my New York Times best-selling book, The High Five Habit, there is an entire chapter in that book about the fact that I was dreaming about launching a podcast. Now, that book was published in 2021, and I used the same framework that I'm about to walk you through to get very clear that what I wanted was to launch a podcast. I was so sick and tired of thinking about it, that I finally was at the point that I want this, I need to do it, and walking through the framework I'm gonna walk you through in just a second gave me the direction that I needed in 2021. And then I spent the next two years just studying what other people were doing and creating a game plan to execute against. And finally, 18 months ago, I started the dang thing. And so answering the question, "What do I want?" it was easy a couple years ago. "I want to start a podcast." Boom, direction, go. Without answering that question, I wouldn't have a podcast right now. I would've been consumed by a bazillion other things. I would've been busy moving in the wrong direction. And that's true about life, isn't it? There's a lot of people moving fast, but they're not going anywhere 'cause they don't know where they wanna go. And when I ask myself, "What do I want?" and I think about the podcast, my goal and my sense of direction and where I wanna head next, it's not just to do it. I see something so much bigger now that I have clarity about what I want. And now that the podcast is out into the world and I hear from you on like a daily basis and the impact it's making, holy cow, what I want is on just a totally different level. And this is one of the reasons why you see me do these workshops for free. It's one of the reasons why we create YouTube versions of the podcast episodes that are oftentimes longer and include more content that aren't in the listening part, because I want to go bigger. And here's another example of how this question and figuring out what you want changes over time and why you need to keep doing this process all the time in your life. And what I wanted when our three kids were in high school and middle school, very different from what I want now that my husband Chris and I are about to be empty nesters. And it's only with the clarity of knowing what you want, why you want it-It's only with that clarity that you have direction in life. I mean, if you don't know what you want, you're merely a passenger, and the winds of chance are just steering you in whatever direction. You're like a sailboat without a rudder. I want you to take the wheel and get clear about what direction you're gonna head in next. And in order to kick us off, I just wanna share a story with you about what a profound process this framework is. So at the end of last year, our team went on a team retreat, and we went to this absolutely amazing retreat center, and when we, you know, designed this off-site, there were just a couple of rules. First of all, absolutely no work, no talk about work, no phones, no laptops, no doing work. It was just three days for our team to be together, to unwind, to do yoga, to go in the sauna, to get a massage, to connect with your colleagues. It was absolutely extraordinary because we had been busting our rear ends on this podcast for a y- over a year. We all lived in our bathrobes the entire time. It was so great. It wasn't even an HR violation to be with your colleagues in bathrobes at dinner, and it was the first time that we had ever done anything like this here at 143 Studios as a team. And after working on this podcast for a year and creating 104 episodes in one year, we needed it. Holy cow. And it was fantastic. And so this retreat center not only had, like, a spa and exercise classes and meditation stuff, but it had all these kinds of courses and sessions that you could do on all these different topics. And so my business partner, who also happens to be my sister-in-law, Christine, she is the chief financial officer and the chief operations officer of the company, and so Christine, who I've known for more than two decades, is almost like the opposite brain of me. This woman is a numbers gal. She is spreadsheets. She is very analytical and smart. She's super black and white. She is not into the touchy-feely stuff at all. And so she signs up to do this class that truly changed her life.

Mel Robbins 14:50 Christine, you've agreed to come on reluctantly-

Guest 14:52 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 14:52 ... and talk about it. Like, tell me, what was the class?

Guest 14:55 So the class was manifesting.

Mel Robbins 14:57 Manifesting?

Guest 14:58 Manifesting. And so I'm thinking, "This is a nice..." Like, "This will be something I can sit in the back of the room, just kinda listen to." I've already done, like, cardio drumming-

Mel Robbins 15:07 (laughs)

Guest 15:07 ... and some, like, nutritional cooking class, so this is gonna be, like, a listen and learn.

Mel Robbins 15:12 And so you walk in, and what happens?

Guest 15:13 It's me and the instructor.

Mel Robbins 15:15 Just you and the instructor?

Guest 15:16 Just me and the instructor. And I'm like, "Oh, shit."

Mel Robbins 15:19 And once you walk in, you can't walk out.

Guest 15:21 (laughs) You can't walk out. Like, you're stuck. Like, I walked in, and she's excited to see somebody's shown up, and so I'm sitting there, and she hands me a kinda worksheet, and we're waiting to see if somebody else is gonna show up. Luckily, one other person walked in.

Mel Robbins 15:34 Okay.

Guest 15:35 And so then she's like, "Well, you know, normally this is a presentation, but since it's such a small group, let's do some just kinda personal work. Let's talk about what you're here to talk about."

Mel Robbins 15:47 (laughs) You- (laughs) You were probably like...

Guest 15:50 Uh, yeah, I'm basically, like, wanna die. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 15:54 (laughs)

Guest 15:54 I'm like, "I have no clear purpose that I've shown up for that I'm trying to realize. I'm just, like, looking for something to do."

Mel Robbins 16:00 (laughs)

Guest 16:01 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 16:02 Okay, so it's you and one other person-

Guest 16:04 One other guy.

Mel Robbins 16:05 ... and now we're gonna do deep work.

Guest 16:07 Now we're gonna do deep work. I'm like... (laughs)

Mel Robbins 16:10 Okay. (laughs) And so how does it start?

Guest 16:11 So basically, we're both sitting there, and the guy's like, "Okay, I'll go first," and so she's like, "Okay, what are you, what are you thinking about?" And he was trying to sell a, uh, rental property he had, so, like, very, like, whatever. And the whole time, I'm thinking, "Oh my God, what am I gonna talk about?"

Mel Robbins 16:26 (laughs)

Guest 16:26 "What am I gonna talk about?" Like, I'm barely... Like, okay, he's still talking, I'm still thinking. Like, I was just trying to, like, come up with something. And so then she's like, "Okay, how about you?"

Mel Robbins 16:36 Like, "What do you want?"

Guest 16:37 "What do you" ... Like, "What do you want?" Like, "What's something you're trying to attract?" And so I just kinda put it out there, like, "I'd love to have a place on the lake to get away with my family."

Mel Robbins 16:47 Okay.

Guest 16:47 And I'm thinking, like, vision board, like 20-something, like, my vision board of all these things that I wanted-

Mel Robbins 16:52 Mm-hmm.

Guest 16:52 ... to have accomplished, and so not putting a whole lot into it, but just thinking, like, that would... And she's like, "Okay, why?" And I'm like, "Well, I think it would be, you know, be fun, uh, something my family and I can enjoy." And, "Why?" I'm like, "Well, my kids are in high school, you know, they're gone a lot, you know, they're, you know, busy with sports and friends, and I don't see them as much as I used to." And she's like, "Well, why do you think a lake house will change that?" And I'm like, "Well, we're gonna get away, like, we'll be together, like, you know, just..." And then, so then she's like, "Well, why?" Like, "Do you need a lake house for that to happen?" And just was this very, like, personal thing of feeling like, you know, time slipping away, and feeling like I miss the amount of time we spent together when they were little. And, uh, and so it was just this very, you know, this thing that seemed, like, flashy and very removed became, like, very personal and not at all what I had walked in there for. And it was a conversation around she's like, "Well, they're still gonna leave," right? And so I'm in tears now-

Mel Robbins 18:06 (laughs)

Guest 18:06 ... (laughs) and this thing that I, like, did was re- like, "Oh, this will be a fun l-" And she's like, "Are you ready to do this now?" And I'm like, "Well, no, I'd have to, like, save up, and it'd be a little..." She's like, "So they're definitely gone by the time, like, you're working for this house that, like, they're not even gonna enjoy, because by the time it comes to pass, they're gonna already be gone." And it was just really this realization of...... thinking about the time that we had together when they were younger and when we were, um, just, you know, were, their whole life revolves around our family.

Mel Robbins 18:42 Mm-hmm.

Guest 18:42 And that time had been a long time past. And, you know, really came away from the whole thing just very kind of grateful for that realization, and I had shared it with the team of just like, you know, 'cause everyone was sharing, "What classes have you taken? What are you doing?" And just this realization of this thing that seemed like it was, like, this wish/dream thing really wasn't what I wanted.

Mel Robbins 19:08 Mm.

Guest 19:08 It was that I wanted the time with the boys, and that I could have that now. I just needed to ask him for it and make that a priority.

Mel Robbins 19:20 That's amazing.

Guest 19:22 Well, it was because it just is, like, you get so caught up, I think, in a lot of the things that are flashy or fun, and it's really not what it was all about. I think it was just, for me, it was kind of a breakthrough and very emotional 'cause like you said, I'm not a, like, hugely reflective person that, like, puts, you know, um ... I'm very logical, and so to have this, like, breakdown in this class that I was not expecting or anticipating was just, you know, it was a gut check for sure.

Mel Robbins 19:53 And life changing.

Guest 19:54 Life changing because it, you know, I came back, like, I shared it with the team because we were sharing about all the classes that we had, and the fact that I had started crying in this class was surprising to everyone who knew me from work, um, but I went home and I shared it with the boys and had made it a priority that we are making that time on a weekly basis to spend a little bit of time together, and that it's not the buildup for these big things, whether it's a trip or other things. Like, it's really just the time at home, um, I'm enjoying it while I have 'em.

Mel Robbins 20:28 Yeah. Uh, you know, the thing that struck me about that experience and you sharing it, is that first of all, a lot of times when you think you know what you want, right-

Guest 20:38 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 20:38 ... which, a, a lake house makes a lot of sense because you have friends that have a lake house, and the boys love going up there with their friends, and so it makes sense. You'll be like, "Oh, we need one of those too, and I want one of those," and you kinda paint the picture. And when you go deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and you get to the root cause of why, oftentimes the thing that you want is right in front of your face, and the irony is that if you just stay at the surface and you chase that thing, you would've spent so much time working trying to save the money for it-

Guest 21:14 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 21:14 ... and been so busy, like let's just say you could even put a down payment. Then it would be about the renovation or the painting or the this or the that, that you would miss all the time while they're still home.

Guest 21:25 Right.

Mel Robbins 21:26 And so I got a lot out of that too because I do find myself kind of waiting for those big moments, and I, like you, am very aware of the time that's passing, and wanna maximize the amount of time that I have when the kids are right in front of me. Beautiful.

Mel Robbins 21:44 How does it ch- how has that realization of truly getting to the core of what you want changed how you live your day-to-day life?

Guest 21:52 Well, I think part of it was I came home and I said, "This is important to me." I've been honest with them of just saying like, "I miss the time that we used to spend together, and I know your lives are, you know, busy and bigger, and your world is much larger and will continue to get larger, but, uh, you know, I need some time while you're here." Whether it's driver's ed or prac- doing those right, like, I don't complain about those things at all. I'm just enjoying it while I have 'em. And I've got great kids. I'm so proud of them, and I think part of it too, or I'd like to think it, that when I shared that, like, "Hey, I miss the time that we spend together," I think they've missed it too. I mean, 'cause I think it's just, it's been able to put it out there, and then for, for us to just be much more intentional. And then it's also easy for them to be like, "Oh, my mom's making me do this." Like, you know-

Mel Robbins 22:43 (laughs)

Guest 22:43 ... like Sunday not so fun day kinda deal. But I think it's just, you know, been something that I think's been good for all of us.

Mel Robbins 22:51 Do you still want a lake house? (laughs)

Guest 22:52 (laughs) It'd be nice, but ...

Mel Robbins 22:54 (laughs)

Guest 22:55 It's nice, but it's not the point anymore.

Mel Robbins 22:57 I know you sharing this is gonna resonate with millions of people that listen.

Guest 23:02 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 23:04 Other than saying it out loud to your family-

Guest 23:06 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 23:07 ... is there anything else you put in place to make sure that you stay moving in this direction?

Guest 23:15 Well, I think it's just prioritizing it. Like, at the end of the day, it's just what is really important to me, and so as much as a lake house would be nice or, you know, some fancy things, like, at the end of the day, it, it's really just the time with the people that you love, uh, and appreciating that while it's there, and it doesn't have to be big and fancy.

Mel Robbins 23:36 Well, Christine, I just wanna thank you because it's a really personal story and a really profound one, and what I love about the story that you just shared with us is that not only is the emotion palpable, but it illustrates the fact that so often what we think we want isn't what we want at all, that there is something at a deeper level that strikes to the core.

Mel Robbins 24:15 And, you know, what's interesting is that here, you know, Christine was at a work retreat, and she walks into a manifesting class, and if you listen closely, the person that was leading this little retreat used an engineering principle that is often taught in business school. It's called The Five Whys. It was developed by Sakichi Toyoda, the Japanese industrialist, inventor, and founder of Toyoda Industries. He developed The Five Whys technique in the 1930s.I mean, it's amazing. And Toyota still uses this technique to solve problems today, and it's one of my favorite problem-solving tools, and it helps you get down to the root cause or the root emotion so quickly around why you want something. And it's a way that you can test whether or not you want something or if there's a deeper reason why you want something. And so here's how you use it, and I'm gonna walk you through this. You just ask yourself, "What do I really want?" And then you ask "Why?" four times. Why do you really want that? Why? Why now? Why? And every time you ask why, it forces you to dig a little deeper and you get closer to the truth and to the answer that you're actually looking for. And you heard Christine share that wisdom as she was reflecting back. And in the workbook, I guide you through this exercise, and what I want to do to make sure you really understand how this works is I'm now gonna invite my daughter Sawyer to join us, and I'm gonna walk her through, in real time, this framework of the five whys, and you're going to hear her explain what she wants and then go deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper to the core.

Mel Robbins 26:19 All right, Soy. Thanks for being here.

Guest 26:21 Of course.

Mel Robbins 26:22 Tell everybody how old you are.

Guest 26:24 I'm 25.

Mel Robbins 26:26 And what do you want?

Guest 26:28 I want to move to New York this year.

Mel Robbins 26:32 And why do you want to move to New York?

Guest 26:35 I have always wanted to move to New York since I was a little girl.

Mel Robbins 26:41 Why have you always wanted to move to New York since you were little?

Guest 26:44 I think that it has always just felt very energetic, as if there's an energetic pull that I have to live there, and it's always been on my bucket list, and so I'm making it happen.

Mel Robbins 26:58 And why has it always been on your bucket list to live in New York City?

Guest 27:04 I think that I've lived and went to college in Boston for the last 25 years, and I am really ready for my next step in life and to prove to myself that even though I've always wanted to live in a new city, that I actually can.

Mel Robbins 27:27 And why is it important to do it now?

Guest 27:31 I think that I always envisioned myself in my 20s living in New York, and so I'm in a stage of my life where it feels right for me.

Mel Robbins 27:43 And why do you want to move to New York?

Guest 27:47 I feel like there's just, like, a lot of possibility there, and it feels like growing up in Boston and going to school in Boston, I love the city so much, but I'm just ready for something bigger and more uncomfortable and more extreme. And I am really looking for a fresh start in my life, and I know that if I am able to make this happen that I would be extremely proud of myself and would have kept my word as a little girl.

Mel Robbins 28:24 Aw.

Guest 28:25 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 28:25 Oh my God, now I'm gonna cry.

Guest 28:28 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 28:28 Like, it's literally about keeping a promise to the little you?

Guest 28:31 Yeah. Don't cry. I'll cry. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 28:33 Oh my God. That's pretty deep.

Guest 28:36 Yeah. I feel like I made a lot of... I wasn't gonna cry (laughs) . Like, a lot of promises to myself as a little girl and New York has always been one of them. So, I'm ready. (exhales) (laughs)

Mel Robbins 29:09 Of course, as your mother, I wanna know what the other promises are that you made to yourself. (laughs)

Guest 29:14 (laughs) Um, well, one of them was backpacking around Asia, which I just checked off for four months. Um, another one is starting my own business, whenever that happens in the future. Definitely New York. One of them was being Kendall's tour manager, but-

Mel Robbins 29:34 (laughs)

Guest 29:34 ... I think that is no longer on my to-do. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 29:37 Why?

Guest 29:39 Oh. Um, maybe it will be, but she needs to figure out some stuff first. Um...

Mel Robbins 29:49 You know what's interesting is that this little framework that you went through, it allows space for all these other things that you want.

Guest 29:59 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 29:59 But I think it makes you laser focus on the thing that's the most important right now.

Guest 30:06 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 30:06 And why it's the most important. Because when I asked you, "What do you want?" You could have said, "I want to launch my own business."

Guest 30:16 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 30:17 But you didn't. You said, "I wanted to move to New York."

Guest 30:21 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 30:22 And in answering the series of the five whys, you got deeper and deeper and deeper to the core reason. Like, I know I'm gonna get really choked up, and it's really about, like, keeping a promise that you made to yourself as a little girl, and now's the time-

Guest 30:38 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 30:39 ... to do it. That is so beautiful.

Guest 30:42 (laughs) I remember when I was in my freshman year of college, we had this class called Courage to Know at Boston College.... with Luke Jorgensen, and an assignment we had was to write a eulogy for ourselves, and we worked on it, like, all semester, and our final assignment was to read it out loud in class. And you were there, I don't know if you remember. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 31:14 Oh, I will never forget this day.

Guest 31:18 And I had never written a eulogy, or honestly been to many funerals, and feel lucky for that, but was very inexperienced, I would say. And people start going around, reading through their eulogies, and people are saying they've solved cancer, and gone to space, just the list goes on how-

Mel Robbins 31:44 Of accomplishment, accomplishment.

Guest 31:45 ... a- accomplishment, accomplishment, accomplishment. I started to sink in my seat. (laughs) And I got so embarrassed, and when it was finally my turn, I l- told my teacher out loud that I think I did this assignment wrong, because as I was reading my eulogy, the entire thing was about living in New York with my sister. You know, it basically was about how she graduated from Boston College, and she moved to New York, and she had three beautiful children, and-

Mel Robbins 32:18 Two Australian Shepherds.

Guest 32:19 ... two Australian Shepherds. (laughs) And, and then I died, like, peacefully, and that was it.

Mel Robbins 32:26 Surrounded by family.

Guest 32:27 Surrounded by family. And there was nothing about accomplishments or what I did other than moving to New York (laughs) in the entire thing.

Mel Robbins 32:35 Well, it sounds like you lived a big, beautiful, fulfilling life.

Guest 32:40 I hope so. I'm currently trying to do that.

Mel Robbins 32:45 Well, it was parents' weekend.

Guest 32:48 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 32:49 And so there were all these parents in the class, and it was a small seminar class, and I remember this like it was yesterday.

Guest 32:55 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 32:55 Because you were one of the last people to go, and everybody that read, you're right, it le- it read like a list of accomplishments at an Academy Award ceremony, where, you know, one thing after, "I've cured cancer, I've done this," and then there was the one, like, artistic type-

Guest 33:11 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 33:12 ... whose obituary began with, like, he was shot in the face on a sailboat at the age of 25.

Guest 33:16 Oh my gosh, yes.

Mel Robbins 33:16 Remember that? I'm like, "Oh my god."

Guest 33:17 That was crazy.

Mel Robbins 33:18 "He needs therapy."

Guest 33:20 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 33:20 Um, and so then it got to you, and you wrote this amazing description. I'm gonna start crying again.

Guest 33:31 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 33:33 That was, you're right, you moved to New York, and you lived with your sister, and you were married for, like, 60 years, and had three kids, and two Australian Shepherds (laughs) and that you were surrounded by friends and family when you died.

Guest 33:50 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 33:51 And I think that's what we all want.

Guest 33:56 Yeah, for sure.

Mel Robbins 33:58 And so I'm really glad that you're gonna keep this promise to yourself.

Guest 34:04 Me too.

Mel Robbins 34:06 exhales I think you're gonna find a good apartment. (laughs)

Guest 34:08 (laughs) I hope so.

Guest 34:11 So mom, what do you want?

Mel Robbins 34:14 Okay, well, what do I really want right now? (laughs) I want to write this (laughs) fantasy novel series.

Guest 34:26 Oh, okay. I thought you meant the other one.

Mel Robbins 34:27 No. I (laughs) meant-

Guest 34:29 The current one.

Mel Robbins 34:31 No. I want to write a fantasy novel series with you and Kendall.

Guest 34:41 Mm-hmm. Are we disclosing the name of it right now?

Mel Robbins 34:44 Absolutely not.

Guest 34:45 Okay.

Mel Robbins 34:46 It is a book idea that we came up with probably 12 years ago while we were sitting on a beach.

Guest 35:00 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 35:01 And you were 13 years old, and I still have the handwritten notes as we described the theme and the characters and the fantasy world and the plot lines, and I have thought about that since the day on that beach. And it is just right in front of my face. It might be because I've just mainlined the Court of Thorns and Roses, uh, audiobooks. So, you know, when I ask myself, "Why do I want that?" You know, I would love to do a creative project like that, and I would love to do it with you.

Guest 35:39 Why?

Mel Robbins 35:40 I think it would be amazing to get lost in a completely fictional world that we've created.

Guest 35:50 Why?

Mel Robbins 35:52 Sniffs Um, I am just yearning for a, like, creative process that feels exciting and that doesn't have the deadlines and the demands of work.

Guest 36:24 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 36:24 Like, something for the just joy of getting lost in something.

Guest 36:31 Why?

Mel Robbins 36:33 I think it's because everything that I do right now has a deadline.

Guest 36:36 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 36:36 And it feels like it just is like, "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." And I want to feel something more expansive.... than the current way that I'm creating things. And I've never done anything like this, and frankly, it scares the hell out of me. Like, 'cause it's something that I don't know how to do.

Guest 37:06 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 37:06 I have no idea how you write fiction, I have no idea how you build a fantasy world, I have no ide- like, never done it.

Guest 37:13 Mm-hmm. Why?

Mel Robbins 37:19 I'm dying to get lost in something, and I think that's the reason. I'm really looking to get time back, and it seems like this project and really having a world to escape into would allow me just the space away from the constant demands of absolutely everything that I do right now.

Guest 37:51 That makes a lot of sense.

Mel Robbins 37:55 And what's interesting, as I say all that, is that I don't have time to write this right now. (laughs) I don't have time for another project. So what I actually want is similar to what your aunt Christine was saying, that I'm l- want this project so badly, and I wanna start on it and start, like, collaging images around it and imagining it, because I have no room for myself right now.

Guest 38:26 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 38:27 Every thought is about work, every thought is about something related to you guys, or Dad, or the dogs, or the cat, or, like, something that I need to do, and I just want, like, just some freedom from that, like, obligation-

Guest 38:47 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 38:48 ... of constantly thinking about something or, that's got a deadline attached to it, or someone that needs something. Like, this just feels like something that's all my own. And so, I think what I actually want is more time to myself, doing nothing. And it's kind of ironic that somebody that is overworked right now and doing too much would create yet another project-

Guest 39:14 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 39:15 ... to then be the reason that I need to escape, just like Christine would s- see a, a lake house as a way to get what she really wants, which is more time with her kids and her husband and her family while her boys are still home.

Guest 39:35 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 39:37 It's really illuminating. I still think we should write it.

Guest 39:42 Yeah, we have to.

Mel Robbins 39:44 We're going to. Maybe not today.

Guest 39:47 Maybe when you retire.

Mel Robbins 39:48 (laughs)

Guest 39:50 So what are you going to now do with this insight?

Mel Robbins 39:54 Um, uh, first I'm gonna take the wisdom from the five why framework and focus on that, and that is, I desperately need time to myself.

Guest 40:06 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 40:07 Time away from work, time away from deadlines, time away from taking care of everybody else. And that might just be making sure that it's not a 10-minute walk I take in the morning, but I actually get up and go for a half an hour walk. It might be that I spend more time on the weekend just out in the garden doing nothing, which is time that I really enjoy by myself. It might be that instead of turning on the TV, I drop into a book.

Guest 40:38 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 40:39 Like, something that allows me to escape the constant thinking. Does that make sense?

Guest 40:45 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 40:45 Like, I just need more space. And I, I could even see going away for, like, a, uh, all of a sudden what popped into my mind was doing, like, a meditation weekend, where I just go alone and I do something for me.

Guest 40:59 Mm-hmm. That's amazing.

Mel Robbins 41:03 Which is something I can do now, and I don't have to write a three-part fantasy trilogy to do it.

Guest 41:08 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 41:11 All right. Now I'm talking to you. What do you really want? And now let's go a little deeper. Why do you want that? Okay. Why? Why do you really want that right now? Let yourself go there. Allow yourself to open up. What do you really want? And what's really at the root of it? And allow yourself to, like, have that moment. You heard Christine have it, you heard Sawyer have it, you heard me have it. Like, there's something deeper for you to discover, and what I love about the deeper insight is that you can pull that into your life now. Yes, you can go get the lake house. Yes, you can move and get a fresh start. Yes, you could write the novel, or change the job, or, or really make anything that you want happen. But when you know why you want it, that time is slipping through your hands and you wanna make the most of it while you can with the people that you love, that you made yourself a promise when you were really little, and now is the time to see yourself have the courage (laughs) to keep that promise.Or maybe it's just that you want time to yourself, that there's something that you've been neglecting for you. And it's not the thing on the surface that you need, you need the deeper thing and you need to figure out how to bring it into your life now. That is a sense of direction that is meaningful, that has purpose, that is profound. What do you really want? Because when you can answer that question and you can answer why you want it, you know exactly what to do with your life. And there's something that I really want right now, and that's to tell you, in case no one else tells you, that I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to not only figure out what you want, but to turn your life in that direction and to move toward it. Now go do it. (instrumental music plays) And I know what I want. I wanna thank you for being here with me on YouTube. I wanna thank you for sharing this episode with the people that you love. I wanna thank you for downloading the workbook. And I also wanna tell you, in case no one else tells you, that I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to figure out what you want and then turn your life in that direction and go for it. And I'm- normally I send you to another video, but I wanna remind you of the workbook because this really matters, okay? So make sure you download this. Hit subscribe because when you do that, it tells me you love these workshops and if you wanna watch another one of our workshops, they're all listed in the description below. But your job right now is to answer that question, "What do you want?" And just know that your friend Mel Robbins will be here with a new video every single day to inspire and empower you to go get what you want.