How To Make Your Life Exciting Again | Mel Robbins

1. 0:00 – 1:42

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      What is habituation?

   2. TSDr. Tali Sharot0:01

      It's basically our tendency to respond less and less and less to things that are constant, or they change very gradually or are frequent. So, for example, an easy example, you jump into a pool, it's really cold, but you tend to get used to it. After a few minutes, it's less cold. Why are people less happy in midlife? It is the least amount of change, right?

   3. MRMel Robbins0:21

      Mm-hmm.

   4. TSDr. Tali Sharot0:21

      If you think about it, as... When you're a kid, things are changing all the time. I mean, you're changing, you're growing, right? You're learning. Then you're in the 20s. You're trying different things, you're trying different partners, you're trying different professions, and then comes midlife, and things are kind of similar. Most people kind of stay in the same place.

   5. MRMel Robbins0:37

      You literally just explained the midlife crisis through the lens of (laughs) neuroscience. Hey, it's your friend Mel. I am so glad you're here with me today. It is always such an honor to spend some time together, and I want to start by acknowledging you for taking the time to listen to something that is going to help you create a better life, and I know our conversation today is gonna do that. If you're a new listener, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so happy you're here with me. And you're not going to believe what I did last night. I mean, just take a guess. What do you think I did last night? (laughs) You're never gonna guess this one. (laughs) Well, last night, my husband Chris and I pitched a tent in our backyard. We grabbed a blow-up mattress, a couple of comforters, two pillows, and we slept out under the stars in our backyard here in Vermont. It was a full moon. It was absolutely incredible. And we used to do this kind of stuff all the time when we were first dating.

2. 1:42 – 2:35

   The spontaneous adventure Mel went on last night.

   1. MRMel Robbins1:42

      I mean, we were constantly planning fun adventures and camping and, like, doing cool things outside, and, you know, we've been married now, my God, it's gonna be 28 years this year. Holy smokes. W- And the other day, Chris turned to me and said, "Hey, Mel, you know, in a couple nights, it's going to be a full moon. Weather looks good. Do you have any interest in sleeping outside in a tent?" I was like, "Oh my God, yes!" And so we did. Here I was this morning, uh, after sleeping in the tent last night, I was having my coffee in the house, and if you're watching, you can probably tell based on the fact that I have greasy hair, I've pulled it back in a ponytail, and I'm wearing my red flannel that I look like I was camping, because I was, because I was. Um, but here I am, you know, we're out of the tent, I'm standing in my kitchen, I got my mug of coffee in my hand, and I started to wonder, "That was so fun. When did life get boring?

3. 2:35 – 4:47

   Do you feel like your life has gotten boring?

   1. MRMel Robbins2:36

      Why don't I do this more often?" And then it dawned on me, "Mel, maybe life isn't boring. Maybe you've gotten boring." I want you to really think about that. Maybe the reason why you're not having enough fun in your life or your relationship or work is because you've gotten a little too used to your routine, and that's made you a little boring. Well, today, that's what you and I are going to talk about with a neuroscientist from MIT and University College London, who says habits and routines have a hidden cost. They can make your life feel boring, and she's here to tell you what to do about it. There are really fun ways that you can shake up your life, your work, y- your relationships, and even a really fun thing that research says you need to do to shake up your vacation. Aren't you so excited for this? I know you are, and so I'm thrilled that you're here with me on YouTube, and here's where we're going next. We are gonna go down to our studios in Boston for this incredible conversation. Are you ready to shake it up? Awesome. Let's do it. Welcome Dr. Sherratt to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm so thrilled that you're here.

   2. TSDr. Tali Sharot3:45

      I am so excited to be here. Thanks for having me.

   3. MRMel Robbins3:47

      So Dr. Sherratt, you have uncovered this link between change and experiencing happiness and joy in your life. And so many of us fear change, and yet what you're finding is that our ability to change and pushing ourselves to change and experiencing new things in our life is foundational to you enjoying your life and having moments of joy, and so you've been researching something called habituation, which is a phenomenon that our brain naturally does, and it's also going to help us understand why pushing yourself to change and grow and learn new things is a critical part of your life and you enjoying your life. So can you tell us about habituation?

   4. TSDr. Tali Sharot4:37

      So habituation, it's really a fundamental process or fundamental rule that governs how our brain works and every neuron in it, um, and it's basically our tendency

4. 4:47 – 6:52

   The research-backed reason why life is getting so boring.

   1. TSDr. Tali Sharot4:47

      to respond less and less and less to things that are constant, or they change very gradually or are frequent. So, for example, an easy example, you walk into a bakery, there's like the smell of the baked goods and the cake, and studies show that within 20 minutes, you cannot detect the smell any longer. The olfactory neurons in your brain stop responding because the smell is constant around you, right? So very fast, they will actually stop and you won't be able to smell it. You probably have this, um, with- with perfume, right? When you first buy perfume and you put it on, it's really salient. Next day, a little bit less. Third day, a little bit less. A month goes by and you can't smell your own perfume. Um-

   2. MRMel Robbins5:25

      It's so true.

   3. TSDr. Tali Sharot5:26

      Yeah, so that's habituation. Or you jump into a pool, it's really cold, but you tend to get used to it. After a few minutes, it's less cold, right?

   4. MRMel Robbins5:35

      Mm-hmm.

   5. TSDr. Tali Sharot5:35

      And so just as you habituate to smells or to temperature, you also habituate to more complicated things in your life or in society. Um, so for example, you get used to... There's a new romance, right? It's really exciting, but over time, it gets l- less exciting, right? So you have less of a reaction, less of-

   6. MRMel Robbins5:55

      Right.

   7. TSDr. Tali Sharot5:55

      ... a physiological reaction, less of an emotional reaction, but you also get used to the bad stuff. Breakup, right?You get used to that. There's less of reaction to that. Um, you get used to the view of the ocean, and you get used to pollution too. Meaning, you less- you're able to detect it less.

   8. MRMel Robbins6:12

      Hmm.

   9. TSDr. Tali Sharot6:12

      You're able to see it even less.

   10. MRMel Robbins6:14

       Mm-hmm.

   11. TSDr. Tali Sharot6:15

       Um, you get used to a new job, to a promotion. You react to that e- less. You habituate to that. You can habituate also to losing a job. Um, and so because of habituation, we might have some great things in our life, like a loving relationship or a comfortable home or interesting job, but they don't elicit as much joy on a daily basis as you'd expect them to.

   12. MRMel Robbins6:39

       Just because you're used to it?

   13. TSDr. Tali Sharot6:41

       Right. Right. You don't notice them anymore, right? Like, you could have a wonderful, comfortable home, which when you first bought it, you were so excited and you kind of, like, uh, really kind of noticed everything. But now y- you're there every

5. 6:52 – 8:04

   What ‘habituation’ is and how it impacts every aspect of your life.

   1. TSDr. Tali Sharot6:52

      day, right? So it doesn't elicit as much of a reaction. Um, the same thing with a job. When you first got the job, you're like, "Oh." You're just amazed that you could do it-

   2. MRMel Robbins7:00

      Yeah.

   3. TSDr. Tali Sharot7:00

      ... you could do-

   4. MRMel Robbins7:00

      Yeah.

   5. TSDr. Tali Sharot7:00

      ... but now you're doing it every day, you're doing it right. So it has less. It doesn't mean the people don't appreciate it at all, but less so over time. And it's a similar thing for the bad stuff in life. So, um, there could be bad things around us. Societal things, like sexism or racism, or could be cracks in your personal-

   6. MRMel Robbins7:18

      Mm.

   7. TSDr. Tali Sharot7:18

      ... relationships or inefficiencies in the workplace, but if they've been there for a long time, we stop noticing them. We just kind of get used to them and we stop. And if we stop noticing them, we're less motivated to change.

   8. MRMel Robbins7:32

      So how does this impact our happiness? 'Cause it seems like it could have good and bad implications, and I think it's really interesting that your brain itself is reacting to something that you're getting used to. So it's not like you're some sort of jerk that's just zoning out. It's that your brain, in your words, this is habituation.

   9. TSDr. Tali Sharot7:54

      Right.

   10. MRMel Robbins7:55

       That you're becoming really familiar with your partner or with where you work or your neighborhood. So how does this impact our happiness?

   11. TSDr. Tali Sharot8:03

       Well, it means

6. 8:04 – 10:53

   Why change is foundational for happiness and joy.

   1. TSDr. Tali Sharot8:04

      that th- the good things around us can create less happiness, right, on a daily basis. So the stuff that's really good, and everyone has some good, you know, stuff around us. Again, it could be a relationship, um, it could be a comfortable home, but those things don't elicit as much happiness. So that has a negative impact on our happiness.

   2. MRMel Robbins8:25

      Okay.

   3. TSDr. Tali Sharot8:26

      Right? Um, however, you know, on the flip side, if something bad happens, even if it's really, really bad, a loss of a loved one, you know, we habituate to that as well. To the bad stuff in life, we habituate. And it could be a good thing 'cause we don't want to feel like a breakup, right? We don't want to feel that pain that you feel at the very beginning. You want to habituate, right? So then you can move forward. So that's good. Right?

   4. MRMel Robbins8:52

      That's very good.

   5. TSDr. Tali Sharot8:53

      Um, but on the other hand, there could be some bad things that have been there for a long time, and they're kind of, like, in the background, and because of habituation, we don't really notice them. And that's not great because then we are not motivated to change, and it, you know, it turns out if you do notice and you try to change and you're successful, well, that will enhance your well-being and your happiness.

   6. MRMel Robbins9:15

      Well, I think that's what th- the thing that's super cool about your research, is that there is a direct connection between the happiness and joy that you feel and the amount that you're willing to train- change.

   7. TSDr. Tali Sharot9:24

      Mm-hmm.

   8. MRMel Robbins9:25

      And what is happening in your brain when you experience something new?

   9. TSDr. Tali Sharot9:29

      Right. So really, you know, our brain, you can think about it as a front page of a newspaper. It cares-

   10. MRMel Robbins9:35

       Okay.

   11. TSDr. Tali Sharot9:35

       ... about what's new, right-

   12. MRMel Robbins9:36

       Okay.

   13. TSDr. Tali Sharot9:36

       ... what just happened. It doesn't really care that much about the old. And it makes sense, you know, if you think about it, uh, like in an evolution kind of way, in, in, you know, your ability to adapt. Um, when something new is happening, your brain needs to process 'cause maybe you need to react, right?

   14. MRMel Robbins9:53

       Mm-hmm.

   15. TSDr. Tali Sharot9:53

       Maybe it's, like, threatening. But after, you know, it's been there for a while and you're fine, well, we really need to keep our resources. You know, the neurons need to be ready for the next new thing that's coming so we're ready to react to that. And so new is what we are noticing the most and what we're acting to the most. And just to give you kind of, like, a fun example-

   16. MRMel Robbins10:13

       Yeah.

   17. TSDr. Tali Sharot10:13

       ... um, I was working with a tourism company where they wanted to know what makes people happiest on vacation and when they're happiest on vacation. So we went to the resorts and we surveyed people, and we asked them, um, "Hey, what was the best bit of the vacation?" And there was one words that they repeated more than any other word and it was first. The first view of the ocean, the first cocktail that I had, the first sand castle that I built, right? The first was new and exciting.

   18. MRMel Robbins10:40

       Hmm.

   19. TSDr. Tali Sharot10:40

       Now the second view of the ocean, that was good too, but it wasn't quite as good as the first, right? And the second cocktail, third cock- fifth cocktail was quite good, but it wasn't good as the first cocktail. Um, and that's because of habituation,

7. 10:53 – 12:04

   How long should your vacation be for ultimate happiness?

   1. TSDr. Tali Sharot10:53

      right? We feel less. And the other interesting thing was when we just looked at the data and we wanted to see when were they their happiest, we found that they were happiest 43 hours into a vacation. So 43 hours gave you time to unpack and really focus on the fun. But from that point on, fun started dwindling, right, over time 'cause we habituated. You were still happy on day eight, seven, six, and five, but not as happy as you were 43 hours in, right? Because you have started to habituate to the environment, to the activities.

   2. MRMel Robbins11:28

      So how do we apply this research around vacations to our own life?

   3. TSDr. Tali Sharot11:32

      So I think it suggests that maybe we want to have more frequent vacations, but shorter ones, right?

   4. MRMel Robbins11:36

      Mm.

   5. TSDr. Tali Sharot11:36

      So instead of going away for a couple of weeks, you might actually go for a long weekend a few times. Now, sometimes it's not possible if you're going far, but what that means is you will have more of those 43-hour peaks. You will have more of those firsts. And you know what else you will have? You will have the anticipation.... of the vacation. 'Cause this is what I didn't tell you. I told you that the happiest time is 43 hours into the vacation.

   6. MRMel Robbins12:02

      Yeah.

   7. TSDr. Tali Sharot12:02

      But I didn't actually tell you that the

8. 12:04 – 13:51

   Why the anticipation of good things is what actually makes you happy.

   1. TSDr. Tali Sharot12:04

      really, really happiest time-

   2. MRMel Robbins12:05

      Yeah.

   3. TSDr. Tali Sharot12:06

      ... is a day before vacation.

   4. MRMel Robbins12:08

      Oh.

   5. TSDr. Tali Sharot12:08

      So there is a study that was conducted where people who were about to go on vacation were asked every day of the week before vacation how happy they were, every day of the vacation for a week how happy they were, and then every day of vaca- of the, when they came back after vacation how happy they were. And it turns out that people are happiest before they even step on the plane. So the day before vacation, they're still in their office working on their computers, but in their mind, they're on vacation. And in their mind, it's quite wonderful. When they go on vacation, it is good, but it's not as good as it was in their mind the day before. The anticipation of good things is what really makes people happy. So if you have more vacations, you have more of those anticipations and you have more of the afterglow as well.

   6. MRMel Robbins12:53

      Well, you know what? There's huge implications if you take this even out of the context of vacations.

   7. TSDr. Tali Sharot12:59

      Mm-hmm.

   8. MRMel Robbins12:59

      And you just say, "What are things that I look forward to?"

   9. TSDr. Tali Sharot13:02

      Right.

   10. MRMel Robbins13:02

       Whether it's a date on the calendar eight months from now where I'm gonna get together with my favorite family members, or it is, uh, some day that I'm taking off of work to take a class, or it is some cool thing like I'm going... it sounds kinda dumb, but (laughs) I'm going on a, uh, a walk this weekend with my husband, and it is a guided walk looking for owls. This must mean I'm in my 50s, but I am so excited for this thing. And so, I can see how even just being proactive about putting things in your calendar out in the future to look forward to is a way to hack happiness in your life now.

   11. TSDr. Tali Sharot13:47

       Absolutely. I call these anticipatory events, right? These are events

9. 13:51 – 15:02

   2 ways to hack happiness and feel better starting today.

   1. TSDr. Tali Sharot13:51

      that we have on our calendar, they haven't happened yet, but they're making you happy at the moment. And in fact, this is why when you ask people about which days, which is a favorite day of the week, um, people prefer Friday by far more than Sunday. Because Friday brings with this the anticipation of everything that they had planned for the weekend, whether it is, you know, a hike to, to find owls-

   2. MRMel Robbins14:14

      (laughs)

   3. TSDr. Tali Sharot14:14

      ... or whatever it is, right? But Sunday, you might be out hiking and looking for owls, but you have the anxiety of the workweek. So, um, indeed, anticipation, um, is something that's really, really important. And so have that holiday booked, have that activity booked. It can be, you know, a night out, um, it could be, um, a hike. Very simple things, right? And that makes us happy at the moment.

   4. MRMel Robbins14:41

      What's so interesting about this research that I really like is that you got no choice in this. Like, your brain is literally filing away information based on your familiarity with it. And so, what is the implication for your relationship? Because as I'm sitting here listening to you talk about the research on vacation, which I think we can all relate to-

10. 15:02 – 16:34

    Why do you feel like you are outgrowing your romantic relationship?

    1. MRMel Robbins15:02

    2. TSDr. Tali Sharot15:02

       Mm-hmm.

    3. MRMel Robbins15:02

       ... I'm also thinking, "Oh, well, probably right around day 43 or week 43 as you're dating somebody-"

    4. TSDr. Tali Sharot15:10

       (laughs)

    5. MRMel Robbins15:10

       "... and you're wondering, 'Why is this person no longer being proactive? Why is this person no longer seeming to make an effort? Why is this no longer feeling as exciting?'" Is that habituation?

    6. TSDr. Tali Sharot15:24

       Yeah, so habituation has a lot to do with this, right? And in fact, so if you listen to Esther Perel, you know-

    7. MRMel Robbins15:30

       Yeah.

    8. TSDr. Tali Sharot15:30

       ... the well-known relationship expert, um, she did surveys and research where she asked people, "Hey, when were you most attracted to your partner?" Um, these are people who have been together for a while, married couples.

    9. MRMel Robbins15:42

       Yeah.

    10. TSDr. Tali Sharot15:42

        Um, and she found that they said two things. Either they said, "I was more, most attracted to my partner when I went away and came back. Maybe I was, like, on a business trip, I was away for a weekend and I came back," right? Which makes perfect sense because what you're doing when you're leaving a situation and then coming it, back is you're dis-habituating. What does dis-habituating mean? It means that you remove that thing, right? You, you stepped out of the bakery for-

    11. MRMel Robbins16:10

        Yeah.

    12. TSDr. Tali Sharot16:10

        ... 10 minutes. Now, you're coming back. Now, your neurons are gonna s- start responding. Maybe not as, as much as the very, very first, that when you entered the bakery, but if there's a, a large enough break, then you dis-habituate and you start responding, right? And that's the first thing she found. We have actually... So on the cover of our book, if you open it up, there's a little visual illusion which is,

11. 16:34 – 18:02

    Why 'taking space’ in your relationship is an essential action to take.

    1. TSDr. Tali Sharot16:34

       um, colors, clouds of colors.

    2. MRMel Robbins16:36

       Mm-hmm.

    3. TSDr. Tali Sharot16:36

       And a fixation point in the middle.

    4. MRMel Robbins16:38

       Right.

    5. TSDr. Tali Sharot16:38

       And if you fixate on that fixation point and you don't move your eyes at all, what happens is the colors suddenly become gray. And if you do it really, really well, actually it just becomes white. And why does that happen? Because the input to every specific neuron, if you're not moving your eyes, doesn't change. It's the same, right? The same colors are getting to the same exact neurons. And so the neurons at the beginning, they're, like, active. They're like, "Color."

    6. MRMel Robbins17:04

       Right.

    7. TSDr. Tali Sharot17:04

       "Color, color." Then they're like, "Well, color's not changing. I'm gonna stop responding." So now it's gray and finally it's white. All you need to do is move your eyes like that. Just move them for a second and then the color immediately comes back, because now different neurons are getting different signals, and now they're reacting again.

    8. MRMel Robbins17:21

       Okay. So we're putting this up on the screen for everyone who's watching on YouTube right now. And you're gonna start by simply staring at the black plus sign in the middle of the page, and Dr. Tolley said we gotta do it for 30 seconds. And just try to focus only on the black plus sign. And as you stare at the black plus sign, you're gonna notice that the color fades away. It's crazy. But the second that you kind of adjust your eyes and look away for a second from the black, all the color comes rushing back.So,

12. 18:02 – 19:22

    Do this exercise with Mel to better understand habituation.

    1. MRMel Robbins18:03

       I want you to keep watching it right now and see what happens. Just look at the black plus sign. Just a couple more seconds. Holy cow! That's crazy! So basically, that's habituation. When you stare at your spouse or your work or your life for too long, it goes gray. And that's why you gotta shake things up to bring all the shimmer and the color back. So cool. (air whooshing)

    2. TSDr. Tali Sharot18:30

       So that's dishabituation, right?

    3. MRMel Robbins18:32

       Gotcha.

    4. TSDr. Tali Sharot18:32

       That kind of same principle... Of course, like, the- the actual neural mechanism is not exactly the same, but the principle is the same. Your partner's been there for a while. Everything's the same. We s- we kind of, like, don't notice, don't respond, don't think. We leave for a bit, we come back, and now colors, right? So, that's the first thing she found. And the second thing is related, which she found that people say they're most attracted to their partner when they're in a novel, new situation. For example, the partner is talking to some strangers, or the partner is on the stage doing something, right? Um, and again, this is a form of dishabituation. You're seeing your partner in a different way because they are in a different circumstance.

    5. MRMel Robbins19:14

       Mm.

    6. TSDr. Tali Sharot19:14

       So now, it's not the same old, same olds, right?

    7. MRMel Robbins19:17

       Yeah.

    8. TSDr. Tali Sharot19:17

       It's something new.

    9. MRMel Robbins19:19

       When does habituation pose the

13. 19:22 – 21:18

    The surprising situation you will find your partner the most attractive in.

    1. MRMel Robbins19:22

       biggest, I think, threat to upsetting what might be, like, otherwise, like, a nice life? Because I could see how you getting used to your neighborhood, you getting used to your... Uh, I'll just take the example of a kitchen. Like, your kitchen's perfectly fine, and yet you probably spend a lot of time on social media looking at kitchens-

    2. TSDr. Tali Sharot19:43

       (laughs)

    3. MRMel Robbins19:43

       ... and thinking about a kitchen renovation. And then you walk into another v- person's house and you're like, "Ooh, we should have a coffee bar. We should do... What if I did white cabinets?" And now all of a sudden you're looking at your kitchen, which has been perfectly fine, and you no longer like it. You kind of hate it. And so, does habituation make you start to reject or not like the things in your life, from relationships to your job to your neighborhood to your kitchen? Is that part of the problem with this, if you don't realize it's going on?

    4. TSDr. Tali Sharot20:11

       Yeah, because it brings you less joy. Um, and as a result, you want something different, right? And I think your example is great because there's two things here. One is, it's something that you had before which you thought was fantastic.

    5. MRMel Robbins20:25

       Yes.

    6. TSDr. Tali Sharot20:25

       The kitchen, you thought was fantastic before, but now is not that exciting, not that fun.

    7. MRMel Robbins20:31

       Right.

    8. TSDr. Tali Sharot20:31

       And also, the other thing that nice- that you said is like, "Well, I go to another person's house. I think their kitchen is great." And they probably come to yours and for them, you- they think like, "Oh, that kitchen is great," or they think like, "Oh, she has, like, a wonderful life. She has like..." And it's potentially the case that you have the same thing, right? But you've had it the same for a while, right?

    9. MRMel Robbins20:50

       Yes.

    10. TSDr. Tali Sharot20:51

        Um, and that's why kind of we're looking for, you know, diversity or new things. And it's not all bad, right? I mean, again, it's like two sides of the coin. Um, okay, maybe we don't need to, like, redo our kitchen every couple of years.

    11. MRMel Robbins21:08

        (laughs)

    12. TSDr. Tali Sharot21:09

        Um, but, you know, that kind of need to progress, right?

    13. MRMel Robbins21:13

        Right.

    14. TSDr. Tali Sharot21:13

        That's not necessarily just a bad thing.

    15. MRMel Robbins21:16

        Right.

    16. TSDr. Tali Sharot21:16

        Right? That mean- that keeps us moving

14. 21:18 – 23:30

    What is happening in your brain when you experience something new.

    1. TSDr. Tali Sharot21:18

       forward.

    2. MRMel Robbins21:18

       Yes.

    3. TSDr. Tali Sharot21:19

       Um, but it's like a delicate balance, right?

    4. MRMel Robbins21:21

       How do you- how do you balance it? Because I can think about an example where, you know, we all are chasing the next greatest thing.

    5. TSDr. Tali Sharot21:27

       Mm-hmm.

    6. MRMel Robbins21:28

       Right? We're chasing something that looks better or something that's gonna be this, and we're kind of going after that newness thrill. And it's very clear that there's both the need to change, but there's also the fact that constantly chasing it and using an example of what... "Oh, well, their- their- their, uh, significant other does a lot of that, and my partner doesn't do that anymore." Is it making us unhappy to constantly seek the change or how do you balance it?

    7. TSDr. Tali Sharot21:57

       Um, yeah. So I mean, it is definitely, uh, a balance, which is why I think it's important to kind of think about, how do we get some joy back from what we have?

    8. MRMel Robbins22:10

       Hmm.

    9. TSDr. Tali Sharot22:10

       Right? Um, and there's two ways to do that.

    10. MRMel Robbins22:14

        Okay.

    11. TSDr. Tali Sharot22:14

        Right? And one- and we- kind of, like, one of the ways is what we talked about, which is, like, a little break, right? Um, you probably notice that if you go on, um, a work thing for a couple of days or maybe even more, maybe a f- three days or a week, and when you come back, it seems like everything has re-sparkled, right? Even your kitchen. (laughs)

    12. MRMel Robbins22:34

        Yes.

    13. TSDr. Tali Sharot22:34

        I'd imagine that if you're away for enough time, you come back and the kitchen has re-sparkled, right?

    14. MRMel Robbins22:39

        Yes.

    15. TSDr. Tali Sharot22:39

        It suddenly does look great.

    16. MRMel Robbins22:40

        So does Chris.

    17. TSDr. Tali Sharot22:41

        And like- and- right? And Chris... (laughs)

    18. MRMel Robbins22:41

        And I think he looks at me and is like, "You're not so bad after all." (laughs)

    19. TSDr. Tali Sharot22:44

        And the home and everything else. Um, it's- it's definitely something that- that happens. In fact, we stole the world- the word re-sparkled for- from, uh, Julia Roberts. So, she has, um, a quote where she says that her normal day is like she gets up, she takes the kids to school. She comes back. She maybe goes on a bike ride maybe with her husband. She has lunch. Then it's time-

    20. MRMel Robbins23:08

        Mm-hmm.

    21. TSDr. Tali Sharot23:08

        ... to pick them up and take them to their after-school activities. And she says, "Well, if I'd done that every day, you know, for months and months and months, it would just be boring. But I don't because I go away," you know, to film or whatever she does, and then she comes back and then it has re-sparkled, right?

    22. MRMel Robbins23:25

        Yes.

    23. TSDr. Tali Sharot23:25

        Resparkling, everything seems like.

    24. MRMel Robbins23:27

        Yes.

    25. TSDr. Tali Sharot23:27

        Uh, she says, "It seems like there's pixie dust on

15. 23:30 – 24:45

    Next time you feel bored and burned out, take a break.

    1. TSDr. Tali Sharot23:30

       it."

    2. MRMel Robbins23:30

       Yes.

    3. TSDr. Tali Sharot23:31

       Um, and you can say, "Well, Julia Roberts is not the average human being," right?

    4. MRMel Robbins23:34

       Correct.

    5. TSDr. Tali Sharot23:35

       "She's quite a privileged person," but I think she's talking here about something that we can relate to, which is if you take a little break and you come up- come back, then your life looks a little bit different, right? You dishabituate to some degree. It doesn't- maybe it doesn't last very long, but you can see things a little bit differently, maybe more realistic.

    6. MRMel Robbins23:54

       Do you have recommendations?

    7. TSDr. Tali Sharot23:54

       Yeah.

    8. MRMel Robbins23:54

       Do you have recommendations for how a person who's not leaving to go film a movie could do that if they're in a job that they go to all the time-

    9. TSDr. Tali Sharot24:01

       Mm-hmm.

    10. MRMel Robbins24:01

        ... and they are in just this cycle of same person, same job, same...... you know, neighborhood, same group of friends. How do you use this research to re-sparkle some pixie dust on your life?

    11. TSDr. Tali Sharot24:15

        Right. So two things. First is, you could probably take a break. Okay. To most people, they could still take a little break. You could still go away for a few days and come back. Now, let's say you can't do that. Um, Laurie Santos, um, who is a professor at Yale, suggests, uh, closing your eyes and imagining your life without these things, right? Imagine your life without that wonderful kitchen. (laughs) Imagine your life without the partner, without the job that you have, right? And then when you open your eyes again,

16. 24:45 – 26:05

    A simple mindfulness exercise to find gratitude for what you have.

    1. TSDr. Tali Sharot24:45

       well, things kind of re-sparkle a little bit, right?

    2. MRMel Robbins24:47

       That's true.

    3. TSDr. Tali Sharot24:48

       So that's, that's like a, a good little kind of exercise to do.

    4. MRMel Robbins24:50

       I actually like that because I think the instinct is instead of closing your eyes and imagining your life without the person you're complaining about, or without the kitchen that you have that is great and works fine, and without, you know, the neighborhood you live in-

    5. TSDr. Tali Sharot25:08

       Mm-hmm.

    6. MRMel Robbins25:09

       ... that we instead look out instead of in, and we go, "Oh, well, I like the way that relationship over there works better, and I-"

    7. TSDr. Tali Sharot25:18

       Right.

    8. MRMel Robbins25:18

       "... like the way that kitchen over there looks better." And then you bring it back to your life and pound on the people that are there instead of taking a step to close your eyes and go, "Well, what would my life look like if they weren't here?" Now, obviously, if you're happy, then you gotta make some changes, but if you feel that little ache-

    9. TSDr. Tali Sharot25:39

       Mm-hmm.

    10. MRMel Robbins25:40

        ... then what do you do?

    11. TSDr. Tali Sharot25:42

        Right. Yeah.

    12. MRMel Robbins25:42

        You just open your eyes and sprinkle a little fairy dust on them.

    13. TSDr. Tali Sharot25:46

        (laughs)

    14. MRMel Robbins25:46

        Um, how does this impact our sex life?

    15. TSDr. Tali Sharot25:49

        Um, so again, if we, we go back to Esther Perel's research-

    16. MRMel Robbins25:53

        Yep.

    17. TSDr. Tali Sharot25:53

        ... right, um, her recommendations is breaks or novelty, right? Putting yourself-

    18. MRMel Robbins25:59

        Well, a lot of us are already taking breaks, so that's not working. (laughs)

    19. TSDr. Tali Sharot26:01

        Putting yourself, putting yourself... (laughs) She doesn't... Yeah.

17. 26:05 – 29:34

    Based on neuroscience, this is how habituation is impacting your sex life.

    1. TSDr. Tali Sharot26:05

       (laughs) She means, I think, breaking away from that person for a little bit. It doesn't mean, like, a break in a relationship, like-

    2. MRMel Robbins26:10

       No, I meant, like, a break from sex.

    3. TSDr. Tali Sharot26:11

       Right, right, right.

    4. MRMel Robbins26:11

       Like, there's a lot of us in the menopause years that are like, you know-

    5. TSDr. Tali Sharot26:15

       Yeah.

    6. MRMel Robbins26:15

       ... uh, we need to get more, more adventurous.

    7. TSDr. Tali Sharot26:18

       I don't think that's-

    8. MRMel Robbins26:18

       So either take a break, in terms of stop-

    9. TSDr. Tali Sharot26:21

       Or novelty.

    10. MRMel Robbins26:22

        ... or introduce a novelty.

    11. TSDr. Tali Sharot26:23

        Right. And so the novelty is, like, a really interesting thing, because... Okay, so I was talking about breaks before, and then the second thing you could do-

    12. MRMel Robbins26:31

        Yeah.

    13. TSDr. Tali Sharot26:32

        ... for, you know, your, to spice up your relationship, but in general, to spice up your life, is to introduce variety. Right. So diversify, um, and I don't know that, you know, she necessarily is giving examples just about, you know, what's happening in the bedroom while you're in the bedroom, because I think her point is that if you do things in a way that's different outside, so once in a while when she said, "Oh, you see your, your partner on the stage," or you see them doing something that you've never seen them before, what her research suggests that that enhances attraction.

    14. MRMel Robbins27:08

        Mm-hmm.

    15. TSDr. Tali Sharot27:08

        Right? Um, but I think the, the message of, like, variety and novelty is important for our life in general. So people who have a more diverse life, they've maybe, um, lived in different places, they work on different types of projects, they interact with different type of people, um, they tend to have a more psychologically rich life. Right? So I think we could definitely do that. Whatever kind of life you have, you can actually shake things up a little bit. It can be something small, like how do you commute to work? What route do-"

    16. MRMel Robbins27:39

        Hmm.

    17. TSDr. Tali Sharot27:39

        "... you take to work?" It could be small like that. Or it could be, like, maybe take a course, and it doesn't... It could be something online, okay? So maybe you, you don't have the money to pay for, like, a new, but take up a new skill or a new... listen to a new podcast, right? So try to change things. Or maybe start talking to someone or befriend some- someone who's different from the normal kind of people that you tend to interact. I'm not even... You know, like, their personality is not the type that you-

    18. MRMel Robbins28:06

        Mm-hmm.

    19. TSDr. Tali Sharot28:06

        ... usually are interacting with.

    20. MRMel Robbins28:08

        Mm-hmm.

    21. TSDr. Tali Sharot28:08

        And by diversifying, we are doing a few things. We are dishabituating, 'cause now, you know, w- we have d- different inputs that we're not used to. Uh, we also, as we talked about before, putting ourself in a context of learning. Right? Um, and that's important. Learning is always good. We enjoy learning. Um-

    22. MRMel Robbins28:28

        Well, it boosts your happiness based on the research.

    23. TSDr. Tali Sharot28:30

        Right? Exactly.

    24. MRMel Robbins28:31

        So I have another question about the research, which is, when does habituation and the fact that you're now used to your life feel the most overwhelming?

    25. TSDr. Tali Sharot28:42

        Right. So I think it is when things are not changing for a prolonged time, and we see that in our midlife. Um, and so there's this interesting thing called the U-shape of happiness. So happiness is quite high in kids and teenagers, and then it goes down, down, down, and reaches rock bottom in your midlife, but then it starts going up again, and actually remains quite high until the last couple years of life.

    26. MRMel Robbins29:08

        Mm-hmm.

    27. TSDr. Tali Sharot29:08

        And again, this U-shape is on average, right? So it's thousands of individuals, and we're looking for a trend in, you know, data from thousands of individuals. It doesn't mean that for every person, midlife will be the bottom part and, you know, you'll be happy in the edges, but that's in general. And so why are people less happy in midlife? There could be many reasons, but one reason is, it is the least amount of change, right?

    28. MRMel Robbins29:33

        Hmm.

    29. TSDr. Tali Sharot29:33

        If you think about it,

18. 29:34 – 32:30

    Why, between ages 40 and 60, you will be the unhappiest.

    1. TSDr. Tali Sharot29:34

       as, when you're a kid, things are changing all the time. I mean, you're changing, you're growing, right? You're learning. It's, like, a most amount of change. Then you're in the 20s. You're trying different things. You're trying different partners. You're trying different professions. Maybe you're in university or in college, right? You're learning a lot. And then comes midlife, and things are kind of similar. Most people kind of stay in the same place 'cause maybe people have kids. You're mostly, on average, maybe with the same partner. You may be at the top of your game professionally, but you're kind of maintaining, right? You're not kind of looking up, you're not looking sideways.

    2. MRMel Robbins30:09

       Right.

    3. TSDr. Tali Sharot30:09

       You're mostly just maintaining. And so that's l- at least amount of learning, the least amount of change.... now, counterintuitively, at an older age, once the kids get out of the house, and maybe you're retired, in fact, you're starting to change again. Now, you need to learn, "How am I gonna, how am I gonna live my life? It's a totally different life now," right? And so it can l- it could seem like it will be overwhelming, and maybe it is at the beginning, but that causes people to start learning again.

    4. MRMel Robbins30:37

       That is so cool. You literally just explained the midlife crisis and the journey of happiness of the human beings through the lens (laughs) of neuroscience, and the fact that we assimilate to the experiences around us. That's so cool. Uh, Dr., uh, Sherr, you do a ton of work with companies and team behavior, and so I was just curious, how can you keep your teams motivated and creative when this habituation creeps in at a job where it's kind of the same thing most days?

    5. TSDr. Tali Sharot31:11

       Yeah. So you want to induce, inject variety into their, um, daily work as well. And so one thing that companies tend to do, well, I mean, I don't know if they tend to do, sometimes, some companies, what they do is, um, they take people and they rotate them through different divisions, right, um, or get them to work on different types of projects with different type of people, and if you do that, then again, you're creating more change, more learning, dishabituation. Not only are they learning something from this new division, but then when they go back to their old division, now it's a break, right? So now they will see their division with new eyes, which means they might appreciate the good things that they kind of habituated to. They might see the bad things that weren't quite salient before 'cause they've been for a while, and that's a good thing 'cause if I see the bad things, I'm gonna try-

    6. MRMel Robbins31:58

       Yeah.

    7. TSDr. Tali Sharot31:58

       ... to change them, right? And so that will enhance out my well-being, right, um, but also, it turns out, it also enhances creativity. So it turns out if you change your environment, and it could be even really small changes, like, "I'm working in my office, and now I'm going to work in a coffee shop," or, "I'm going to walk and maybe have, like, a meeting, you know, while walking," it turns out that that enhances creativity. So a research by a psychologist by the name of Kaili Main, she found that creativity will be boosted

19. 32:30 – 34:45

    If you hate your job, try THIS before you quit.

    1. TSDr. Tali Sharot32:30

       after making these changes, right-

    2. MRMel Robbins32:31

       Hm.

    3. TSDr. Tali Sharot32:31

       ... just changing your environment. Now, that being said, the creativity boost only lasts for six minutes.

    4. MRMel Robbins32:36

       Uh-oh.

    5. TSDr. Tali Sharot32:36

       However-

    6. MRMel Robbins32:37

       (laughs)

    7. TSDr. Tali Sharot32:37

       ... however, those six minutes can be quite crucial, right? That could be the time when you come up with this new idea, you know, the new direction. And in fact, you know, if I think about all the times in my life when I had this, like, really important idea, right, the creative solution, it was never when I was in front of my computer working and trying to think of a solution, right? It was mostly when I was somewhere else, right?

    8. MRMel Robbins33:03

       Right.

    9. TSDr. Tali Sharot33:03

       And so for, one example, I was in my office trying to solve this problem. I couldn't solve it, so I decided to go to the gym. Left the office, walked to the gym, gym is quite close, it took me less than six minutes to get there, but on the way is when I suddenly came up with a solution, right? And I don't know that I necessarily was consciously thinking about it, um, but I think I had this old information in my mind and then-

    10. MRMel Robbins33:26

        Mm-hmm.

    11. TSDr. Tali Sharot33:26

        ... I just changed my environment, and that kind of changed something in the way that my brain was processing things, and the solution appeared, which was to be a really important kind of breakthrough that will lead to, you know, a lot of what I did after that. And if I think about it, every single time, every single time when I had an idea, which would be like, "Oh, that would be my next book," or, "That one might be my next research direction," or there's some problem that I was, it was in that kind of situation. I was suddenly in a new place, right?

    12. MRMel Robbins33:54

        Yeah.

    13. TSDr. Tali Sharot33:55

        Um, another one was I, I was in a conference listening to these talks, they were super interesting, but then after the conference, I went, and this was in San Francisco, so I went to a vineyard and I was just sitting outside and having a little wine, and then suddenly the idea came, based on the knowledge that I already had during the conference, but it was like being in this, like, totally new different environment, right, where the processing happened and the creative idea came about.

    14. MRMel Robbins34:20

        Well, I think a lot of people have the experience of either being out on a walk in the nature-

    15. TSDr. Tali Sharot34:27

        Mm-hmm.

    16. MRMel Robbins34:27

        ... or on some vacation, or away for the weekend, and that's where people tend to make big decisions and have these breakthroughs because you get a break from your life, which gives you much needed perspective about what's important or what you've always been thinking about. So if there were one

20. 34:45 – 38:46

    The one action you need to take today to find peace.

    1. MRMel Robbins34:45

       change or one thing that you hope the person listening would do as a re- result of this conversation and all of the research, what is one action that somebody could take that you think would make a big difference in their life?

    2. TSDr. Tali Sharot35:02

       Um, one action that you could take that will make a big difference. Um, I think it is try something new. And look, it might make no difference, right? (laughs) It depends, right? But it might, it might make a big difference, so try something new, um, whether it is, you know... Think about something that you want to learn, right? Think about a new skill that you wanna have, maybe, you know, somewhere that you wanna visit. Just something, try a new dish to make, I don't know. Um, I think that would not neciss- it could change your life, right, it could be that thing-

    3. MRMel Robbins35:42

       Of course.

    4. TSDr. Tali Sharot35:42

       ... which you think will change your life. Um, but I think most likely what it may do, it would give you this kind of, like, joy of novelty-

    5. MRMel Robbins35:50

       Hm.

    6. TSDr. Tali Sharot35:50

       ... which then may create a habit of trying new things.

    7. MRMel Robbins35:55

       I love that. And, um, I love to end my interviews with brilliant people like you by giving you an opportunity to just talk directly to the person that is listening. They might be driving a car, or unloading the dishwasher, or taking you on a walk with them, and I would love to give you the opportunity to just, uh, give them any parting words or some sort of message from you.

    8. TSDr. Tali Sharot36:24

       Sure. So we end, um, our, th- the book that, that I wrote together with my co-author, Cass Sunstein, we end that with a chapter that's called Experiments in Living.Okay? So my parting words is experiment in living, um, and the idea here is that you don't really know what's good for your life or for society-

    9. MRMel Robbins36:44

       Mm-hmm.

    10. TSDr. Tali Sharot36:44

        ... without doing experiments. Just like in science, I don't know what the ground truth is until I do my experiments, and sometimes it's surprising. Um, and so the idea is that if you do these experiments in living, try things in, in different ways, try them in new ways, it could be you actually taking out some stuff from your life, right? Try to maybe see what happens if you go off social media for a few weeks, right? See how that impacts you. Maybe you like it, maybe you don't like it, right? Or maybe it's adding something to your life. Um, experiments in living allows you to try, you know, everything, or not everything, but, like, you know, more things to find out, "What are the optimal things for me and what doesn't really work?"

    11. MRMel Robbins37:27

        I love it. Well, Dr. Tali Sharot, thank you so much for being here. And I also wanted to thank you for spending time with us today. And in case nobody tells you, I wanted to tell you that I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to not only create a better life but to take Dr. Sharot's words to heart. All righty. I'll talk to you in a few days. I am so glad that you got to watch that conversation. Aren't you ready to shake things up? You gonna go camping tonight? It was so amazing on how small changes are vital for your happiness. And if you love this episode, which of course you did, you are going to love what I'm gonna tell you to watch next. But first, please hit subscribe, and let me tell you why. It is how you can tell me that you really loved this episode. And second, it supports me in bringing you world-class experts and new videos every single day. Okay, awesome. Thanks for subscribing. I really, really, really appreciate. I'm feeling you shaking things up over there. And since you love this episode, you're gonna love this first episode that I did with Dr. Tali Sharot, where we talk about what you have wrong about motivation and how you can really motivate someone else or yourself to change any behavior. Check it out.

Episode duration: 38:46