How to Master Your Emotions & Never Get Angry or Bothered by Anyone

1. 0:00 – 2:54

   Introduction

   1. MBDr. Marc Brackett0:00

      Emotions pile up like a debt.

   2. MRMel Robbins0:03

      They pile up like a debt.

   3. MBDr. Marc Brackett0:05

      And if we don't know how to express them in ways that are healthy, what happens? The debt comes due.

   4. MRMel Robbins0:11

      Dr. Brackett is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. He's a professor at the Child Study Center in the Yale School of Medicine. Dr. Brackett and his colleagues at Yale developed an evidence-based framework that has been implemented in more than 5,000 schools and is used by over 10 million students.

   5. MBDr. Marc Brackett0:31

      Our emotions are guiding us through the day, and oftentimes we're making a judgment based on the mood we're in that's not necessarily the best judgment.

   6. MRMel Robbins0:41

      Do you ever hit send on a text you know is going to start something, but you do it anyway? Or what about when you talk yourself out of a great date, or a great job, or a fun night out with your friends because you just get up in your head and you get all negative? It's like an emotional tsunami, and you completely lose control of how you react and how you feel.

   7. MBDr. Marc Brackett1:04

      Emotional intelligence is a set of skills that helps us to use our emotions wisely to achieve our goals in life.

   8. MRMel Robbins1:10

      Where does negative self-talk come from?

   9. MBDr. Marc Brackett1:13

      Our negative self-talk starts early, and it doesn't come from within. It comes from without. I wake up every single morning with a mindset that today is the first day of the rest of my life. I mean, I just think we have to have that mindset about life.

   10. MRMel Robbins1:27

       What is the one takeaway that you would want somebody to walk away with after listening?

   11. MBDr. Marc Brackett1:33

       I want people to leave knowing that-

   12. MRMel Robbins1:38

       Okay, before we jump into this extraordinary episode about emotional intelligence and how understanding your emotions is gonna change your life for the better, you're gonna love this, but my team was showing me something. They brought up a lot of emotion. 58% of you who watch the Mel Robbins Podcast here on YouTube are not subscribers. It would make me feel so supported, seen, and grateful if you would subscribe. If that subscribe button is lit up, it means you're not a subscriber. Will you help me achieve my goal of getting that number to 50%? It's free. That way you're not gonna miss a thing, and most importantly, it's one way that you can tell me and the team here at the Mel Robbins Podcast that you love all the content that we're putting here on YouTube for free, and that you also love the experts that are flying in from around the world. Today we got Dr. Brackett coming in from Yale for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for hitting subscribe. All right, get ready. This episode is gonna be one of your all-time favorites. I can just feel it, so let's jump into it. Dr. Marc Brackett, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

   13. MBDr. Marc Brackett2:42

       I can't believe I'm here. [laughs]

   14. MRMel Robbins2:43

       [laughs] I have had you at the top, top, top of the list for a long time because your work has made a big difference for me, particularly as a parent and for myself,

2. 2:54 – 4:27

   What Is Emotional Intelligence? How Emotions Control Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior

   1. MRMel Robbins2:54

      and I would love to have you explain, if I take everything to heart that you're about to teach me today, what is gonna change about my experience of life?

   2. MBDr. Marc Brackett3:04

      I think most importantly is that you're gonna learn how to use your emotions wisely to have freedom, to have good relationships, to have wellbeing, to achieve your goals, and honestly, to achieve all the dreams you have and want in life.

   3. MRMel Robbins3:23

      If I use my emotions wisely-

   4. MBDr. Marc Brackett3:25

      Correct

   5. MRMel Robbins3:26

      ... I can achieve my goals, dreams, and be happier?

   6. MBDr. Marc Brackett3:28

      100%.

   7. MRMel Robbins3:30

      Well, what do you mean by that? Because most of us feel like emotions are something we have to endure or overcome or we're subject to or dictated by.

   8. MBDr. Marc Brackett3:38

      Yeah, that's the problem. The problem is that we didn't get an emotion education. Emotions pile up like a debt.

   9. MRMel Robbins3:46

      They pile up like a debt.

   10. MBDr. Marc Brackett3:47

       They do, those strong, unpleasant ones, and if we don't know how to express them in ways that are healthy, what happens? The debt comes due. It's denial, it's suppression, it's repression, it's perfectionism, it's control, it's shame.

   11. MRMel Robbins4:04

       Hmm.

   12. MBDr. Marc Brackett4:05

       And we need ways to process our emotions. We need skills to do that, and we need skills to be able to communicate them, and we need skills to be able to manage them effectively. That's the goal of this work, is that emotional intelligence is a real set of skills that can help you navigate all emotions and then apply that knowledge to achieve your goals in life.

3. 4:27 – 7:23

   How to Take Your Power Back - Learn to Control Your Emotions

   1. MRMel Robbins4:27

      How does somebody who's really thinking about, "I want what Dr. Brackett's talking about. I don't want my emotions to run me over," how do you begin this?

   2. MBDr. Marc Brackett4:38

      It starts with permission to feel. It always starts going back to the basics.

   3. MRMel Robbins4:43

      Okay.

   4. MBDr. Marc Brackett4:43

      So let me explain some of this research.

   5. MRMel Robbins4:45

      Okay.

   6. MBDr. Marc Brackett4:46

      So a little bit of my background. I grew up in Northern New Jersey, two parents that love me. Uh, my father was that tough-enough kinda guy. My mother was very anxious, and neither one of them knew how to deal with their own emotions, nevertheless mine. Unfortunately, I had two older brothers. I- unfortunately, I love them, but they also had their own problems, and my parents, by the time I was around six, they were raising me alone, meaning my brothers had left. They were desperate. They had a lot of struggles, and unfortunately, the person who was my caretaker was a pedophile.

   7. MRMel Robbins5:21

      Hmm.

   8. MBDr. Marc Brackett5:22

      And so from age five to 10, I was abused by my parents' closest friend, and I never shared it. I share this now in my 50s with courage. I didn't... I, I suppressed it, denied it until I was 48 years old. I did not share it publicly. And then something magical happened. I had an uncle named Uncle Marvin. He was my mother's brother. He was a band leader by night in the Catskill Mountains and a sixth-grade teacher by day, who by some wave of a magic wand, was developing a curriculum to teach kids about feelings, who by another wave of a magic wand- ... live with us when I was 11 years old for a summer, 'cause he was going to graduate school near my hometown, who ended up rehearsing and practicing his curriculum with me in the backyard when I was 11.

   9. MRMel Robbins6:11

      Wow.

   10. MBDr. Marc Brackett6:13

       And he was the first adult who said to me, "Hey, Marc, how are you feeling?" No one had ever asked me how I was feeling, ever. It was always like, "Go to your room. Wait till your father gets home." You know, like, "Toughen up." No one actually sat with me and literally had presence. Now, fast-forward, you know, that's... So I was 11. I'm 56, that's 45 years ago. I mean, my whole career is based on that moment in my life, to be frank.

   11. MRMel Robbins6:48

       Mm.

   12. MBDr. Marc Brackett6:49

       So I dedicate my work to this remarkable human who gave me permission to feel. And I became very curious as a scientist, what percentage of people have an Uncle Marvin or an Aunt Maria? And so for people who are listening, just take a moment and think about that. Was there an adult while you were growing up that created the conditions for you to be your true, full, feeling self? And again, my research shows that only one-third of us say yes, and two-thirds of us say no.

4. 7:23 – 11:30

   5 Signs of an Emotionally Safe and Supportive Person

   1. MBDr. Marc Brackett7:23

      The next step is, all right, what are the characteristics of these Uncle Marvins and Aunt Marias? So the research shows there are, I call them the big five characteristics. The first one is just general warmth. The second is non-judgmental. The third is an incredible listener. The fourth is compassionate. And the fifth is steady presence or reliability.

   2. MRMel Robbins7:48

      Hmm.

   3. MBDr. Marc Brackett7:51

      Notice what's not there.

   4. MRMel Robbins7:53

      Okay

   5. MBDr. Marc Brackett7:53

      Brilliant, problem-solver, fixer-

   6. MRMel Robbins7:55

      Hmm

   7. MBDr. Marc Brackett7:55

      ... advice giver. 'Cause what I find in my research is something remarkable, that most people say they're afraid to be the emotion ally for somebody else, 'cause they don't feel confident and capable.

   8. MRMel Robbins8:07

      Wow.

   9. MBDr. Marc Brackett8:08

      "I don't know what to say or do." But notice the characteristics. They're not asking you to do very much except be present. It's amazing to me. People say, "I'm afraid, because I'm not sure, if they say something, what, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna be able to fix their problem or give them the advice that they need." And I said, "No one's looking for, no one's looking for advice. No one's looking for fixing." Now, what my research shows also is that people who report having had this emotion ally in their childhood, as adults, they are more emotionally intelligent, they have better physical health, better mental health, they have better sleep quality.

   10. MRMel Robbins8:48

       Hmm.

   11. MBDr. Marc Brackett8:49

       They have greater life satisfaction, and they have greater purpose and meaning in life. And it's funny, 'cause one of my closest friends from, like, childhood came to hear me speak, and he had this reaction to my presentation. He's like, "I hated your presentation." I'm like, "You hated it? I got a standing ovation," [laughs] you know? "What are you talking about?" He's like, "Well, I didn't have an Uncle Marvin. Now I realize that's why I don't have purpose and meaning in life, and I'm, like, freaked out about it."

   12. MRMel Robbins9:10

       [laughs]

   13. MBDr. Marc Brackett9:13

       And I said, "Maybe you can be your own Uncle Marvin." At some point, we have to look in the mirror and be those things to ourselves. We have to look in the mirror and have warmth for ourselves.

   14. MRMel Robbins9:30

       Hmm.

   15. MBDr. Marc Brackett9:31

       No more judgment, listen to our feelings, self-compassion, and just be reliable, you know, to yourself. We can all be our own Uncle Marvins, too. And here's something even more remarkable, Mel. So I'm giving a... I do a lot of speaking, and I'm out in, somewhere in New York State, and I'm giving this speech about this de- data. And all of a sudden, this man stands up, and he looks at me, and he's like, "Are you talking about Marvin Moore, the sixth grade social studies teacher from Monticello, New York?" I said, "I am." He's like, "Marc, you're not gonna believe this, but your Uncle Marvin was my Uncle Marvin." I'm like, "What are you talking about?" He's like, "Your uncle was my sixth grade teacher, and he transformed my life." And we had this amazing conversation afterwards for 45 minutes, and he said, "Clearly, he's transformed who you are as a person today." I said, "I give him all the credit." And then he looked at me and he goes, "Well, Marc, for whom are you an Uncle Marvin?"

   16. MRMel Robbins10:31

       Hmm.

   17. MBDr. Marc Brackett10:34

       It was so eye-opening for me. I'd never been given that kind of in my face, for whom are you paying it forward? It transformed my relationships that day, because I realized that I just was not giving it.

   18. MRMel Robbins10:50

       Hmm. It's so beautiful. Really, really beautiful. And as you were going through that list of attributes, I'm like, "This is why our kids always go to my husband."

   19. MBDr. Marc Brackett11:05

       [laughs]

   20. MRMel Robbins11:06

       I'm not kidding.

   21. MBDr. Marc Brackett11:08

       He can be your emotion ally now.

   22. MRMel Robbins11:09

       Yes.

   23. MBDr. Marc Brackett11:09

       And he probably is.

   24. MRMel Robbins11:10

       Yes, 100%. Dr. Brackett, I would love to start with some more of the fourth-grade [laughs] level-

   25. MBDr. Marc Brackett11:17

       Yes

   26. MRMel Robbins11:17

       ... stuff about emotions-

   27. MBDr. Marc Brackett11:18

       [laughs]

   28. MRMel Robbins11:18

       ... since I feel like I'm definitely in that camp of, okay...

   29. MBDr. Marc Brackett11:23

       What are we talking about here?

   30. MRMel Robbins11:24

       Yeah, what are we talking about here? Is this gonna be one of these weird episodes where-
5. 11:30 – 21:55

   How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence and Understand Your Feelings

   1. MRMel Robbins11:30

      How do emotions shape our lives?

   2. MBDr. Marc Brackett11:35

      So in my work, I talk about five reasons why emotions matter. The first is that emotions drive our attention, memory, and learning. Now, you're looking at me now as a tenured professor of psychology. I grew up in Northern New Jersey. I was terribly abused as a kid. I had terrible bullying as a kid. I was a failing student. I didn't realize until I was in graduate school that I was in fight-flight mode all day long.

   3. MRMel Robbins12:01

      Hmm.

   4. MBDr. Marc Brackett12:01

      I wasn't... I couldn't le- how could I learn when I'm getting punched in the face on the bus or made fun of in school? My brain was in survival mode, not learning mode. Emotions drive our attention, period. The second, emotions drive our judgments. Mel, have you ever made a bad decision?

   5. MRMel Robbins12:19

      Oh, my God.

   6. MBDr. Marc Brackett12:20

      [laughs]

   7. MRMel Robbins12:20

      Is my name Mel?

   8. MBDr. Marc Brackett12:22

      I mean-

   9. MRMel Robbins12:22

      Ugh

   10. MBDr. Marc Brackett12:23

       ... we all make decisions. What we don't like to own is that how we feel oftentimes drives the choices we make.

   11. MRMel Robbins12:32

       Hmm.

   12. MBDr. Marc Brackett12:32

       I'll give you an example. So in my research, we do studies where we ask people to think about a good day versus a bad day, so going to my work with teachers. I want you to think about the best day you ever had in the classroom, I want you to think about the worst day you ever had in the classroom. You can apply this to any setting. Immediately thereafter, I gave the teachers the exact same essay to grade, and my question was, would there be differences in how the teachers evaluated the exact same essay just after thinking for five minutes about a good day versus a bad day? What do you think?

   13. MRMel Robbins13:06

       Oh, no. The bad-

   14. MBDr. Marc Brackett13:07

       One to two full-grade differences

   15. MRMel Robbins13:08

       ... one to two full-grade differences based on the mood of the-

   16. MBDr. Marc Brackett13:11

       Yes

   17. MRMel Robbins13:11

       ... professor?

   18. MBDr. Marc Brackett13:12

       Correct. Now, when I asked the people at the end of the study, "Do you believe that how you felt had any influence?" Of course not. Like, I do... All, all I do all day long is grade papers and make decisions. Well, I said, "Well, here's the data, one to two full-grade differences."

   19. MRMel Robbins13:26

       Wow.

   20. MBDr. Marc Brackett13:27

       So what this tells us is that our emotions are guiding us through the day, and oftentimes what's happening is we're making a judgment based on the mood we're in that's not necessarily the best judgment. Now, what's the antidote to allow our emotions to subconsciously influence our judgments?

   21. MRMel Robbins13:47

       And the antidote means you change it? [laughs]

   22. MBDr. Marc Brackett13:49

       Yes.

   23. MRMel Robbins13:49

       Okay. [laughs] Um, uh, you allow the... You, you recog- you, you name the emotion.

   24. MBDr. Marc Brackett13:57

       See how smart you are?

   25. MRMel Robbins13:57

       Is that right?

   26. MBDr. Marc Brackett13:58

       Yes.

   27. MRMel Robbins13:58

       Oh, my God, I was actually panicking a little bit there.

   28. MBDr. Marc Brackett14:00

       [laughs]

   29. MRMel Robbins14:00

       I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna get it wrong on my own podcast." You just name it, because what happens when you name it?

   30. MBDr. Marc Brackett14:06

       You attribute it to its cause. When I can attribute my emotion to its actual cause, it will no longer have that subconscious influence over the future judgment.
6. 21:55 – 28:00

   The Science-Backed Way to Calm Your Nervous System

   1. MBDr. Marc Brackett21:55

      So you've created these wonderful blocks for me to show everybody.

   2. MRMel Robbins21:58

      Yes.

   3. MBDr. Marc Brackett21:58

      These little-

   4. MRMel Robbins21:58

      It's a big R.

   5. MBDr. Marc Brackett21:59

      So-

   6. MRMel Robbins21:59

      If you're listening, I don't want you to miss anything. He's putting a yoga block in front of him, and it's got a big R, and it says, "Recognize."

   7. MBDr. Marc Brackett22:07

      Recognizing emotions. Think about it. What are we doing here? We're paying attention. Like me right now, I'm laser focused on you.

   8. MRMel Robbins22:17

      Mm.

   9. MBDr. Marc Brackett22:17

      And I'm paying attention to your facial expression, your body language, your vocal tone, and your behavior. That's the social awareness piece of it.

   10. MRMel Robbins22:26

       Okay.

   11. MBDr. Marc Brackett22:27

       Then there's the introspective piece of recognition.

   12. MRMel Robbins22:29

       Yes.

   13. MBDr. Marc Brackett22:29

       Marc, what's going on in your body?

   14. MRMel Robbins22:31

       Mm.

   15. MBDr. Marc Brackett22:32

       What's going on in your mind right now? It's that, it's that basic, basic piece.

   16. MRMel Robbins22:36

       Yeah.

   17. MBDr. Marc Brackett22:37

       Well, let me ask you this question. Everyone listening, on a scale from one to 10, how skilled are you at recognizing emotions? One being terrible, 10 meaning you're great.

   18. MRMel Robbins22:47

       I think I'm 10 at recognizing an emotion is happening. I think I'm probably a four at understanding what exactly the emotion is.

   19. MBDr. Marc Brackett22:56

       Okay. So my research shows that the correlation between our belief and our skill is next to zero.

   20. MRMel Robbins23:05

       Meaning-

   21. MBDr. Marc Brackett23:06

       Meaning that-

   22. MRMel Robbins23:06

       ... what you can actually do versus what you think you can do?

   23. MBDr. Marc Brackett23:08

       Is not related at all. [laughs]

   24. MRMel Robbins23:11

       [laughs] Okay.

   25. MBDr. Marc Brackett23:13

       Because, like, how much feedback have we gotten in our development?

   26. MRMel Robbins23:16

       Mm.

   27. MBDr. Marc Brackett23:16

       Like, when you were coming down the stairs at home, did your father say, "Oh my gosh, honey, I'm noticing your facial expression today"? We didn't do that kind of conversation. Nobody taught us how to read happy, sad, fear, surprise, all that stuff.

   28. MRMel Robbins23:29

       Right, 'cause nobody taught our parents either.

   29. MBDr. Marc Brackett23:31

       Exactly. So we tend to get pleasant, unpleasant right.

   30. MRMel Robbins23:35

       Mm.
7. 28:00 – 43:39

   How to Stop Overreacting, Control Your Emotions, and Respond Calmly

   1. MRMel Robbins28:00

      So the next letter is U, and you say you wrote in your mega bestseller, Dealing with Feeling, that this is the hidden driver-

   2. MBDr. Marc Brackett28:13

      Yeah

   3. MRMel Robbins28:13

      ... for emotional intelligence.

   4. MBDr. Marc Brackett28:15

      Because this is where we build relationships and connection.

   5. MRMel Robbins28:18

      Okay.

   6. MBDr. Marc Brackett28:20

      Understanding emotion, we define it as understanding the causes and the consequences of emotion, including how our emotions impact all the things that we've talked about, thinking, judgment, and behavior. But here's the kicker, and this is where I think most people get it wrong. We have to have a common understanding of emotion, so anger, for example. If I were to ask you what is the general cause of anger, what would you say?

   7. MRMel Robbins28:51

      I would think, uh, either sadness... Oh, uh, injustice.

   8. MBDr. Marc Brackett28:59

      Thank you.

   9. MRMel Robbins29:00

      Okay.

   10. MBDr. Marc Brackett29:01

       Anger is the result of a perceived injustice or unfairness. Now, you're a woman. I'm a man. We have different upbringings. We have different religions. We have different belief systems. So the things that I see in society that may trigger me to make me feel angry may not trigger you.

   11. MRMel Robbins29:22

       Mm.

   12. MBDr. Marc Brackett29:22

       Vice versa. I don't need to prove to you why you should or should not feel angry.

   13. MRMel Robbins29:28

       Mm.

   14. MBDr. Marc Brackett29:28

       You don't need to prove to me why I should or should not feel angry. The goal of emotion understanding is to have connection and empathy. I wanna be, I wanna know, tell me, why do you feel this way about this, so that I can be supportive of you? That's the key to understanding.

   15. MRMel Robbins29:43

       Wow, and that means more intimacy.

   16. MBDr. Marc Brackett29:46

       Sorry.

   17. MRMel Robbins29:46

       Which is why we don't ask.

   18. MBDr. Marc Brackett29:49

       I mean, it's why we go to AI to get help with our feelings because we're so afraid of having the connection with a human that we just think it's easier to ask a chatbot.

   19. MRMel Robbins29:57

       Now, what I found interesting about the understand part of this is that it was both understanding the cause of it and then understanding what it's impacting in your life.

   20. MBDr. Marc Brackett30:12

       Correct.

   21. MRMel Robbins30:12

       How do you understand the cause of it?

   22. MBDr. Marc Brackett30:15

       The cause is going back to the theme.

   23. MRMel Robbins30:17

       Got it.

   24. MBDr. Marc Brackett30:17

       So injustice.

   25. MRMel Robbins30:18

       Oh, gotcha. Okay, so, oh, I got it. So if you're angry and you don't know why, ask yourself, "What has happened that makes me feel like something's unfair?"

   26. MBDr. Marc Brackett30:29

       Correct. Or if you are disappointed, it would be what?

   27. MRMel Robbins30:36

       What was my expectation?

   28. MBDr. Marc Brackett30:38

       Exactly. Disappointment is about unmet expectations. Now, here's the deal. You're with your kid, you're with your partner, you're out and about, and someone says, "I can't take it anymore." I just said that to you. I can't take it anymore.

   29. MRMel Robbins30:52

       Oh my God, okay, I just had, like, a little bit of a-

   30. MBDr. Marc Brackett30:54

       How am I-
8. 43:39 – 52:32

   How to Stop Taking Things Personally and Manage Emotional Triggers

   1. MRMel Robbins43:40

      What is the final R?

   2. MBDr. Marc Brackett43:42

      So the final R of RULER is regulate. It's about regulating your emotions to achieve your goals.

   3. MRMel Robbins43:48

      What does that mean, to be regulating your emotion?

   4. MBDr. Marc Brackett43:51

      Well, let me ask everyone who's listening and you.

   5. MRMel Robbins43:53

      Okay.

   6. MBDr. Marc Brackett43:53

      What's your definition of emotion regulation?

   7. MRMel Robbins43:56

      Um, for me, I think it means to recognize what's happening and to basically try [laughs] to let it-

   8. MBDr. Marc Brackett44:08

      [laughs]

   9. MRMel Robbins44:08

      ... rise up and dissipate.

   10. MBDr. Marc Brackett44:12

       Okay.

   11. MRMel Robbins44:12

       To try to not let it be leaking all over other human beings.

   12. MBDr. Marc Brackett44:18

       Mm-hmm.

   13. MRMel Robbins44:19

       To try to [laughs] not let my mood or my feelings in the moment-

   14. MBDr. Marc Brackett44:25

       Mm

   15. MRMel Robbins44:25

       ... dictate the actions that I take next. That's what it means to me.

   16. MBDr. Marc Brackett44:31

       Yeah, and that's a great way of thinking about it. Marc the scientist's definition is it's about the thoughts and the actions, so the things we can do in our heads.

   17. MRMel Robbins44:42

       Hmm.

   18. MBDr. Marc Brackett44:42

       I can prevent the anxiety before the presentation because I can get ready for it. I can reduce an unwanted emotion. I can initiate an emotion. I can intentionally-

   19. MRMel Robbins44:54

       Hmm

   20. MBDr. Marc Brackett44:54

       ... try to help you savor your emotions. I can maintain a pleasant emotion. So, like, when I leave here today, I'm gonna assume that we all think this went well, and I'm gonna call people, and I'm gonna say like, "I had an amazing experience with Mel," and, "Ask me some questions, please," you know? And so that I can think back and, and savor it. I think that's important. We tend to just move on. Why? Let's savor it.

   21. MRMel Robbins45:18

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MBDr. Marc Brackett45:18

       Or we can boost or enhance emotions. And we do that in the service of all the things that I do my work for, which is we regulate so we have better attention, we regulate so we make better decisions, we regulate so we can have better relationships, we regulate so we can have better mental health, and we regulate so we can achieve our goals in life. And so there are strategies. Should we go through them?

   23. MRMel Robbins45:41

       Yeah. Let's start with the ones that are unhelpful, that people may reach for and don't realize it's not actually working, and I'll share one.

   24. MBDr. Marc Brackett45:48

       Go.

   25. MRMel Robbins45:49

       I recently started to realize that when I would kind of become a volcano, or I'd get angry because I feel a sense of injustice-

   26. MBDr. Marc Brackett46:00

       Yeah

   27. MRMel Robbins46:00

       ... or I get frustrated because I have unmet expectations, usually, by the way, that I've not expressed, um, that in the venting, like I just need to get it out, I'm a verbal processor-

   28. MBDr. Marc Brackett46:12

       Yeah

   29. MRMel Robbins46:12

       ... that's why, it just-

   30. MBDr. Marc Brackett46:14

       It goes-
9. 52:32 – 1:00:57

   The Best Science-Backed Emotional Regulation Techniques That Work

   1. MRMel Robbins52:33

      What are the research-backed strategies that are effective for regulating an emotion?

   2. MBDr. Marc Brackett52:38

      Yeah. Number one is the permission to feel.

   3. MRMel Robbins52:43

      Okay.

   4. MBDr. Marc Brackett52:43

      You gotta just, "It's okay. I'm feeling it. No big deal." Number two, build the vocabulary. We got there. Number three, you have to learn how to deactivate. You do have to build the space. So if you get annoyed with someone here before you go home, y- sometimes you don't have access to those cognitive strategies right away. So maybe it's taking a walk around the block.

   5. MRMel Robbins53:08

      Mm.

   6. MBDr. Marc Brackett53:08

      Maybe it's taking a deep breath. Maybe it's a little meditation. It's whatever works for you. For me, it's breathing. I just take some breaths. I'm like, [inhales] "Okay," and then I can activate my best self. So just to, it goes from attitude of permission to feel, to having the vocabulary, to knowing how to deactivate, to the cognitive strategies.

   7. MRMel Robbins53:31

      Mm.

   8. MBDr. Marc Brackett53:31

      One of my favorite go-to strategies is temporal distancing. It's a fancy way for saying, "How am I gonna feel about this in a month?" So I'm triggered by everything, just so you know.

   9. MRMel Robbins53:41

      [laughs]

   10. MBDr. Marc Brackett53:42

       Um, I just, I am. Like, I, especially, I grew up with a father who was, like, cheap. Like, "Why are we buying that? That's ridiculous." So we go shopping and, you know, my partner wants the organic, organic almond milk. I'm like, "That's ridiculous."

   11. MRMel Robbins53:56

       [laughs]

   12. MBDr. Marc Brackett53:57

       "We're not spending $7 on milk. Are you out of your mind?" And then I realized, like, A, I'm not my partner's father. Oh, yeah, that's right. Everybody can buy whatever milk they wanna buy. It's not like, control freak, shut up, control freak. But sometimes I have to take, go down another aisle, [laughs] take a deep breath, and be like, "Marc, is it worth your relationship, this freaking almond milk?" [laughs] Like, this is ridiculous. Are you really gonna re- even remember that you bought the almond milk in a week from now? No. Let it go. So that it's like you build in time, or you create the time.

   13. MRMel Robbins54:30

       Mm.

   14. MBDr. Marc Brackett54:31

       One of my ultimate favorites is a relational one. I don't know, but you, have you ever been in a meeting with someone that you just, their energy is really uncomfortable?

   15. MRMel Robbins54:42

       Uh, yeah.

   16. MBDr. Marc Brackett54:44

       ... was like this a lot. He would get triggered when we were at family gatherings, and then all of a sudden he'd, like, go in the attack mode

   17. MRMel Robbins54:49

       And then you feel like, "Oh, my God, what are they gonna do? Oh, my God, yes," like, "I have no control here."

   18. MBDr. Marc Brackett54:54

       Yeah. You create a picture frame. So let's imagine right now, for listeners, I'm with Mel, and Mel is saying like, "Marc, I think your stuff is bullshit."

   19. MRMel Robbins55:01

       [laughs]

   20. MBDr. Marc Brackett55:02

       And I'm like, "I can't believe this is happening right now."

   21. MRMel Robbins55:04

       [laughs]

   22. MBDr. Marc Brackett55:04

       And so I could, like, just sit here and absorb it all and be like, "Oh, my God, my life is over. Five million people are gonna listen to Mel tell me that my life, my, my life's work is meaningless." "Okay, Marc, A, she didn't say it. B, make a little picture frame." So I literally make you into a movie.

   23. MRMel Robbins55:22

       Okay.

   24. MBDr. Marc Brackett55:23

       And I observe you as opposed to absorb you. Observe versus absorb.

   25. MRMel Robbins55:32

       Wow.

   26. MBDr. Marc Brackett55:33

       Do you get it?

   27. MRMel Robbins55:33

       Yes. I need this.

   28. MBDr. Marc Brackett55:38

       We all need it.

   29. MRMel Robbins55:39

       And I especially need it when I see clips from the news-

   30. MBDr. Marc Brackett55:45

       Yeah
10. 1:00:57 – 1:04:07

    How Emotional Intelligence Improves Your Mental Health, Relationships, and Life

    1. MRMel Robbins1:00:58

       Your work is so important, and I am grateful that you made the time to be here with us to explain all this, and there is so much that I have absorbed, and I cannot wait to apply this. And so just personally, I wanted to say thank you. If you, after all of these incredible tools and insights that you've taught us today, if you could identify what is the one takeaway that you would want somebody to walk away with after listening?

    2. MBDr. Marc Brackett1:01:37

       I want people to leave realizing they have the power to choose the response in their lives. I want people to leave knowing that emotional intelligence is not a fixed trait. You weren't born that way. It's a learned skill. We can learn to recognize our emotions better, and other peoples'. We can learn to understand them. We can learn to label them, express them, and regulate them in ways that can help us to achieve all of our goals, to build the best possible relationships, to have the wellbeing that we want, and I do believe that these skills help us to ensure that our dreams come true.

    3. MRMel Robbins1:02:16

       Hmm. Dr. Marc Brackett, what are your parting words?

    4. MBDr. Marc Brackett1:02:21

       My parting words are please give yourself permission to feel. Please give everyone you love, and even the people you don't love that much, permission to feel. And build that toolbox of strategies to help you manage the full range of emotions so that you can have emotional freedom and achieve your goals.

    5. MRMel Robbins1:02:45

       Well, Dr. Brackett, I have such a deep admiration for you.

    6. MBDr. Marc Brackett1:02:55

       I appreciate that.

    7. MRMel Robbins1:02:56

       And I think your work is a real gift. Thank you for sharing it with us today.

    8. MBDr. Marc Brackett1:03:02

       Thank you for giving me the opportunity.

    9. MRMel Robbins1:03:04

       You're welcome. And I also wanna thank you for giving us the gift of your time. I know there is so much that you took away from this, and that you are going to share with people that you care about, and that you're going to start applying in your life, and I'm so excited for you to have these tools and to have all of the wisdom from Dr. Brackett. And in case nobody else tells you today, as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And as Dr. Brackett said, when you give yourself permission to feel, when you start to use some of the tools that you learned about today to better understand yourself, to better understand the emotions that you're feeling, you're going to experience a level of freedom that you deserve, and you're gonna start seeing yourself and your entire life in a different light. I'll see you in the next episode. I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play. Alrighty, thank you for watching all the way to the end on YouTube, and if you're wondering, "Mel, what should I watch next?" You're gonna love this episode. Check it out.

Episode duration: 1:04:11