How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over | The Mel Robbins Podcast

1. 0:00 – 4:42

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      (ticking clock) (upbeat music) Mindset reset is one of my favorite topics, and today, I'm going to bring some of the teaching right to this podcast as I coach two listeners who are struggling with their mindset. We didn't edit these at all, these are coaching sessions with listeners just like you who are struggling with the critical voice in their head. I invite you to pull up a seat, you are going to laugh, you're going to feel seen, you're going to feel empowered, you're going to leave with tactical tools, and let's get into it. (upbeat music) Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins, and today, we're talking Mindset Reset on the Mel Robbins Podcast. Let's go. I'm really excited for today's show because mindset reset is one of my favorite topics. In fact, for years, I taught a course online that I created called Mindset Reset all about the science of reprogramming the default soundtrack in your mind. More than half a million people have taken that online course. I'm really proud of it, and today, I'm going to bring some of the teaching right to this podcast as I coach two listeners who are struggling with their mindset. If you're brand new to the podcast, I'm Mel Robbins, uh, uh, welcome. I am one of the world's leading experts on behavior change, motivation, and habits. I'm also a New York Times best-selling author. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, I just want to take a minute before we jump into these live coaching sessions to thank you. I always say this is our podcast, and I mean it. I couldn't be doing this without you, without you listening, without you sharing, without you submitting topics, sending me videos in the DMs. You are a critical part of the success of this podcast, and I always envisioned that this would just be like, you know, taking a walk with a friend, but you have taken this to an entirely different level. I wanted to be a force for good in your life so you could be a force for good in your own life, and what's happened is you, and your time, and your shares... Do you realize that we have impacted the lives of 17 million people in over 200 countries in just four and a half months? That's how many people have downloaded this show, 17 million. And so from the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you. You are a force for good in people's lives around the world. Thank you for sharing this show, thank you for listening, thank you for commenting, thank you for making our podcast, a life-changing, zero-cost resource for people, and today's going to be no different. Uh, today, we're going to do something really cool. Today, you're going to listen in on two live, raw, real coaching sessions. We didn't edit these at all. These are coaching sessions with listeners just like you who are struggling with the critical voice in their head. The first coaching session is with a woman named Poppy, who grew up with very, very critical parents, and what's happened is since her parents were so critical when she was little, she is now incredibly critical of herself, and she's sick of it. She wants to evict that jerk in her head. Then we're going to move on to a second listener who is realizing by listening to this podcast that she has been surrounded by narcissists her entire life, and they have beaten her up to a point where she believes everything is her fault. And we're going to talk about the steps she needs to take in order to evict that jerk in her head and program in a positive new soundtrack, one that is all her own, that is empowering. So that's what we're doing today. I invite you to pull up a seat. You are going to laugh. You're going to feel seen. You're going to feel empowered. You're going to leave with tactical tools. And let's get into it, with our first coaching session with Poppy. Hi, Poppy.

   2. GUGuest4:09

      Hi, Mel. How are you?

   3. MRMel Robbins4:11

      I'm great. Lay it on me, Poppy.

   4. GUGuest4:13

      Okay. I have a question for you. Um, so like how does one turn off that voice that's, you know, been programmed into our head, um, telling us that, you know, our needs, our emotions don't matter, and we must cater to theirs? So, like, how do you turn that off?

   5. MRMel Robbins4:33

      Okay, it's an excellent question, and you don't turn it off. You have to lay a new soundtrack.

2. 4:42 – 8:28

   What does your default critical soundtrack sound like in your mind?

   1. MRMel Robbins4:43

   2. GUGuest4:43

      Okay.

   3. MRMel Robbins4:43

      So, if you think about the default mindset almost like a playlist that runs in the background, that it's almost hard to make it go silent. It's much easier to put a new playlist in there.

   4. GUGuest4:59

      Right.

   5. MRMel Robbins4:59

      And so, there are two things that, uh, two tricks I'm going to give you.

   6. GUGuest5:04

      Okay.

   7. MRMel Robbins5:05

      So number one... Well, before I get into the tricks, I just want to acknowledge something. Great job recognizing that the default thinking doesn't serve you in your life now. So the fact that you recognize, "Wow, I have this way of thinking that I don't want in my life, and I'm going to do something about it." So that's enormous, and it's amazing. Can you tell me what does this default soundtrack sound like? What does it say to you?

   8. GUGuest5:45

      So it says that, you know, whenever I put myself first and don't put, you know, other people first, I'm selfish, or if I want to do something for myself, it's never going to succeed-

   9. MRMel Robbins6:04

      Now, did some-

   10. GUGuest6:05

       But, yeah.

   11. MRMel Robbins6:05

       ... did somebody tell you that?

   12. GUGuest6:08

       Yes, my parents actually.

   13. MRMel Robbins6:11

       Okay. All right. So thank you for s- for like admitting that. And the reason why your parents told you that is because their parents probably told them that. And so they probably thought that they were protecting you, and instead they sentenced you to a brain and a way of thinking that makes you feel terrible.

   14. GUGuest6:43

       Right.

   15. MRMel Robbins6:44

       And so when you can recognize who the programming comes from, it also helps because then you can separate yourself from that voice, because it's not your voice. It's your parents' voice, and you have a chance to break this chain. You have the chance to be the one that this playlist dies with.

   16. GUGuest7:10

       Right.

   17. MRMel Robbins7:10

       You have the chance to create a whole new way of thinking and talking to yourself, and that's incredible. And so the first thing that you said is that you have a belief, because somebody programmed this into your mind, that runs on default, that putting yourself first is selfish. Correct?

   18. GUGuest7:30

       Right.

   19. MRMel Robbins7:30

       How does that impact your life?

   20. GUGuest7:35

       Um, I get burnout basically. Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins7:41

       If you could program a different belief, what would the belief be?

   22. GUGuest7:50

       That, you know, um, um, w- worth it basically. It's okay for me to take care of myself. It's okay for me to have emotions. It's okay for me to just be me. Yeah.

   23. MRMel Robbins8:06

       Oh, I love this. Your whole life's about to change-

   24. GUGuest8:09

       Thank you.

   25. MRMel Robbins8:09

       ... because not only is it okay, I deserve to feel how I feel.

   26. GUGuest8:17

       Right.

   27. MRMel Robbins8:17

       Like the main mantra I want you to have is I deserve to be happy. Does this make me happy? I deserve to feel happy. Does this make me happy?

3. 8:28 – 10:36

   Here’s the mantra I want you to start your day with.

   1. MRMel Robbins8:29

      What would change in your life if you started to tell yourself over and over every single morning when you start your day, "I deserve to be happy today." What would change if you believed that happiness was something you deserved?

   2. GUGuest8:44

      Wow. Um, I think that my day-to-day (laughs) would be a lot better basically. I would actually, you know, get to cross off all the lists that I put down on my to-do list. I would have self-confidence. I would be able to go out and have a great day with friends. I, I notice that I hold myself back a lot because of what's been programmed in my head, and I'm done with that, you know?

   3. MRMel Robbins9:14

      Well, I'm glad you recognize it. That's a huge step. Most of us sleepwalk through life and don't even realize that we have been trained as little kids to make everybody around us happy, and that it's your job to make people happy. It's your job to keep people satisfied. It's your job to make sure nobody's disappointed with you. And part of the problem is, is that underneath what, what your story is, which is it's selfish to put myself first, you have an uglier story. And the uglier story, which I recognize 'cause I had this one too, is people will be mad at me if I put myself first. There will be consequences if I do what's good for me. And so that's what you're really wrestling with, is that you've connected taking care of yourself with somebody pulling their love away.

   4. GUGuest10:10

      Yes.

   5. MRMel Robbins10:12

      And that's why you're scared to put yourself first. This goes way deeper. And so you're doing fantastic on behalf of all of us by recognizing that your own thinking is holding yourself back, and I can, I can tell you're just sick of it. And so here's what you have to start to do. Number one, I want you to name the voice.

4. 10:36 – 13:52

   This is one of my easiest and favorite tools for dealing with a critical voice.

   1. MRMel Robbins10:36

   2. GUGuest10:38

      Name it?

   3. MRMel Robbins10:38

      Yeah. Give it a name.

   4. GUGuest10:42

      Uh...

   5. MRMel Robbins10:44

      Sally Sue, Jocko, Raoul-

   6. GUGuest10:47

      (laughs)

   7. MRMel Robbins10:47

      ... uh, Michael. We gotta name this thing.

   8. GUGuest10:50

      Oh boy. Um, Vicky, I guess. (laughs)

   9. MRMel Robbins10:54

      Vicky, okay. So when this default programming comes up, you're going to talk back to Vicky. Okay?

   10. GUGuest11:06

       Okay.

   11. MRMel Robbins11:06

       And literally, you can even physically, when you feel yourself holding yourself back, that's the signal that this is default programming, you're gonna turn toward Vicky. Let me... Like literally, I want you to like turn your body, and you're gonna look as if Vicky's there, and you're gonna be like, "Shut up, Vicky."

   12. GUGuest11:27

       Right.

   13. MRMel Robbins11:28

       Now I wanna hear you do it.

   14. GUGuest11:31

       Shut up, Vicky.

   15. MRMel Robbins11:33

       Yeah, but if you, uh, don't make your boss happy, nobody's gonna love you.

   16. GUGuest11:41

       Hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins11:43

       Tell her shut up.

   18. GUGuest11:46

       Shut up.

   19. MRMel Robbins11:49

       If you, uh, don't do exactly what your parents want, they're gonna be disappointed.

   20. GUGuest11:55

       Shut up.

   21. MRMel Robbins11:57

       Say it louder. I don't believe you.

   22. GUGuest11:59

       Shut up.

   23. MRMel Robbins12:01

       Say her name.

   24. GUGuest12:03

       Shut up, Vicky. (laughs)

   25. MRMel Robbins12:07

       You don't want to believe this shit Vicki's saying, right?

   26. GUGuest12:10

       Nope.

   27. MRMel Robbins12:11

       What do you want to believe?

   28. GUGuest12:13

       In myself.

   29. MRMel Robbins12:14

       Yeah. Your parents want you to be happy. They don't know how to make you happy, so they're just telling you what their parents told them. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying, this is what people do. You are now an adult, you're not to blame for the crap, the malarkey, the garbage, the gunk, the generational trauma shit that your parents put in your brain. You're responsible, now that you're an adult, for reprogramming this. And so, whenever your mind tells you something that you don't want to think, "Shut up, Vicki. I don't believe that. I believe that if I'm happy, my parents are going to think they won the lottery. I don't believe that. I believe that if I put myself first, I'm going to do better at work. Shut up, Vicki. What the hell? You're not paying my rent. Shut up, Vicki. You're not going to the party."

   30. GUGuest13:06

       Right.
5. 13:52 – 16:09

   This is the #1 hit playlist I want you to put on repeat.

   1. MRMel Robbins13:52

      in me, and if they are, I'm an adult, I can freaking handle it. And I got to start taking care of myself because I deserve that." Those are your beliefs, period. And whenever you start to feel like, "Here you go, holding yourself back," shut up, Vicki. And you'll notice, the more you do this and you take ownership for programming your mind, the less Vicki's going to show up.

   2. GUGuest14:20

      Okay.

   3. MRMel Robbins14:20

      I mean it.

   4. GUGuest14:22

      Right.

   5. MRMel Robbins14:22

      I really mean it. If you believed in yourself, what's one change you would make that would improve your life?

   6. GUGuest14:31

      I would be less intense, I would say.

   7. MRMel Robbins14:34

      Why are you intense?

   8. GUGuest14:36

      Because... (laughs) Um, well, just a little story for you, like, I'm an immigrant-

   9. MRMel Robbins14:45

      Mm-hmm.

   10. GUGuest14:45

       ... and so are my parents, and they are very tough on me. They're very toxic because of, you know, culture, and they feel the need to raise me a certain way.

   11. MRMel Robbins14:56

       Mm-hmm.

   12. GUGuest14:56

       But in terms of, you know, living in America, what they're doing to me is very toxic and abusive, so I'm just, like, always living on the edge, basically.

   13. MRMel Robbins15:07

       Yeah.

   14. GUGuest15:07

       And if I could just, you know, embrace myself, I think I would be a more relaxed person.

   15. MRMel Robbins15:14

       Yes. So, are you open to some coaching?

   16. GUGuest15:17

       Yes.

   17. MRMel Robbins15:19

       So, um, a couple things I want to say about this. I agree with you, and when you take on the job of programming your mind to work for you, you will be happier, you will relax. And the reason why you're intense is because you have been trained to believe that at any moment, something could go wrong.

   18. GUGuest15:50

       Right.

   19. MRMel Robbins15:50

       And that's your lived experience. That is real, that happened, and that is what happened during your childhood. And it will also help you if you can lose the word toxic. Like, unless

6. 16:09 – 22:01

   Drop this word if you want to improve your relationship with others.

   1. MRMel Robbins16:09

      your parents are abusing you, and I don't know that they are or they're not, but if you lose the word toxic and you amplify a little compassion, and you say, "Hmm, I'm not saying what my parents are doing is right, I'm not saying that, uh, they didn't cause issues for me emotionally and mentally and psychologically, but they did the best that they could. And I bet it was kind of hard to immigrate here, and I bet it was hard to feel like an outsider, and I bet the stakes felt really high for them, and they felt like outsiders, and they felt like they couldn't mess up. And I bet they took all of that stress that was their lived experience, and out of fear and love, they aimed it at you."

   2. GUGuest16:58

      Right.

   3. MRMel Robbins16:59

      And the reason why I want you to drop the word toxic is because I see this word thrown all over the internet, and it's a very divisive word, particularly if you want to improve your relationship with the people who are engaged in behavior that feels toxic. And so, I think your parents probably did the best they could with their experiences in life and with the situation that they were in, and that if they truly understood what it was like for you as a child, they'd be mortified and horrified and they'd feel terrible. Is that a fair assessment?

   4. GUGuest17:46

      Mm. I guess, for some parts.

   5. MRMel Robbins17:49

      Okay. So, I don't want to have you have to go in through your whole family history, but if there's, you know, abuse and that kind of stuff, then yeah, that is toxic, and you do need boundaries, and you'll figure that out with your therapist.

   6. GUGuest18:01

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins18:01

      But when it comes to not adding more pressure on yourself, adding a little compassion-... so that it doesn't feel so personal, and accepting the fact that this was a form of, like, emotional abuse for you, that you, stressed you the hell out. You have this toxic stress in your body. You, you, you, you feel on edge all the time. You can change this, and you can also change this and change the dynamic with your parents, and the way that you change the dynamics b- with your parents is by taking responsibility for how you show up for yourself. There's always kind of two people in a relationship. When you change, the energy that you bring into that relationship's going to change, and they're going to have no choice but to change in reaction to it. That's how this creates a major ripple effect, because it has held you hostage for far too long, and you have the chance to not only heal yourself, but to heal this pattern that's been passed down through your family.

   8. GUGuest19:10

      Yeah.

   9. MRMel Robbins19:11

      What are you thinking?

   10. GUGuest19:14

       Um, so for right now, we're not really on speaking terms. Yes-

   11. MRMel Robbins19:21

       Okay.

   12. GUGuest19:21

       ... they have abused me physically, emotionally, mentally. I- it's bad, yeah.

   13. MRMel Robbins19:26

       Okay.

   14. GUGuest19:27

       Um, yeah.

   15. MRMel Robbins19:28

       Okay. So, since you're not on speaking terms, and you're seeking therapeutic help, let's first say this. I am proud of you for getting the help that you need, and I am proud-

   16. GUGuest19:45

       Thank you.

   17. MRMel Robbins19:45

       ... of you for drawing boundaries that put you first, and drawing boundaries that put you first is an example of you believing that you're worthy and that you deserve to be happy, and that's amazing. Absolutely amazing. And when you continue to start to evict the bully that's in your head by naming that bully and talking back to that bully, you will start to hear and reclaim the most powerful voice on the planet, your own, period. And you don't need to worry about your parents. The time will come, if it ever comes, when you will feel strong enough, confident enough, secure enough, and safe enough to reconnect with them if that's what you choose to do, and if you choose to never do that, that's okay too-

   18. GUGuest20:54

       Right.

   19. MRMel Robbins20:54

       ... because you deserve to be happy. You do.

   20. GUGuest21:01

       Okay.

   21. MRMel Robbins21:04

       What did you get from this conversation?

   22. GUGuest21:07

       Ooh. (laughs) Basically to have more compassion for others as well as myself.

   23. MRMel Robbins21:16

       Yes, because part of learning to accept yourself is being c- compassionate. Compassion for self is super important. You don't have to excuse what somebody did, but when you seek to kind of understand what was going on, both for yourself, for other people, when you bring compassion to it, that's where you open the door to true power for yourself and where you take control and responsibility for what happens in your life moving forward.

   24. GUGuest21:52

       Right.

   25. MRMel Robbins21:52

       You get to decide what happens next, and when you start to change the way that you speak to yourself, again, your whole mindset's going to change,

7. 22:01 – 24:52

   Work on the most important relationship of all first.

   1. MRMel Robbins22:01

      and that will be what empowers you to create a new relationship, if that's what you decide to do in the future. But what you're doing right now is you're actually working on the most important relationship on the planet. That's the one you have with yourself.

   2. GUGuest22:18

      Right.

   3. MRMel Robbins22:19

      Awesome.

   4. GUGuest22:21

      Thank you so much, Mel.

   5. MRMel Robbins22:22

      I'm really proud of you.

   6. GUGuest22:24

      Thank you.

   7. MRMel Robbins22:25

      And thank you for telling me what you told me, because you actually saying, "Wait a minute, I can hear what you're saying, but there was physical abuse here, Mel," that's you putting yourself first. That's another example of how strong you are. Claim that stuff, baby.

   8. GUGuest22:42

      Oh, thank you.

   9. MRMel Robbins22:43

      You're welcome.

   10. GUGuest22:45

       I love you, Mel.

   11. MRMel Robbins22:46

       I love you, too. You're awesome. And next up, you're going to hear from a fellow podcast listener who's been impacted by the negativity of narcissism, and she's sick of it. And we're going to talk about what steps she can take and what steps you can take too when we come back. Hey, it's Mel, and I wanted to jump into the middle of that podcast episode you were watching to make sure you knew about a free opportunity that I created for you. It's a new three-part training called Take Control with Mel Robbins. It is packed with science. It is packed with action. It's exactly what you need right now. I know that you are tired of feeling like you're in survival mode. You're tired of merely coping, and it is time to tap back into your excellence and power again. Let me coach you. Let me guide you on the steps that you need to take in order to level up and start executing. It's going to feel so great to start winning again. All you got to do is click on the link right there in the caption. It's melrobbins.com/takecontrol. It is free. It is for you, and you need to be in it. Now, let's go back to the podcast. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and today, we're talking about a mindset reset, which is when you identify the default programming in your mind, you know, that critical voice that's constantly chirping away in the background, "You're never good enough. You didn't get it right. You look fat."Once you identify that, and that you're sick of it, how can you erase that bully and program a new positive soundtrack in its place? Well, Diane is about to help you do just that. Hi.

   12. GUGuest24:31

       How you doing?

   13. MRMel Robbins24:32

       I'm great. How are you?

   14. GUGuest24:34

       I'm doing all right, I'm doing all right. I do have a question for you. I mean, wonderful information from Poppy. My question comes more of, what about when this kind of programming and voices are from spouses, friends, employers, you know, and they're just basically building

8. 24:52 – 27:48

   What if your critics are the voices of your boss, partner, and friends?

   1. GUGuest24:52

      on what your parents or other people have said?

   2. MRMel Robbins24:56

      Great question. So the question is, what if you've got programming from childhood that now is basically being reinforced by colleagues, bosses, spouses, friend group, blah-biddy, blah-biddy, blah?

   3. GUGuest25:15

      Yes.

   4. MRMel Robbins25:16

      What is the kind of default negative thing that you say to yourself?

   5. GUGuest25:22

      "It's definitely not good enough, and who the heck do you think you are?"

   6. MRMel Robbins25:26

      Ooh. The who the heck do you think you are? That has a real bite to it. Um...

   7. GUGuest25:31

      Yes, it does.

   8. MRMel Robbins25:33

      Yeah, it does. So, um, I don't know why I'm gonna ask you this, but I'm gonna ask you this. Were either of your parents on the narcissism personality disorder by chance?

   9. GUGuest25:47

      (laughs)

   10. MRMel Robbins25:47

       Spectrum.

   11. GUGuest25:49

       Well, uh, pretty close. I would say, yes, one of them, for sure.

   12. MRMel Robbins25:52

       And the reason why I say that is because the who do you think you are has a very, um, hostile nature to it. So I would imagine, and again, I'm just guessing, just guessing here, that there was a level of either hostility, or fighting, or outbursts, or eruptions that were very chaotic for you when you were a little kid happening with the adults in your house.

   13. GUGuest26:24

       I've blocked out a lot. Um, I- I remember more of my adulthood where I... My ex was a narcissist.

   14. MRMel Robbins26:30

       Okay.

   15. GUGuest26:32

       I mean, p- you know, definitely.

   16. MRMel Robbins26:33

       Yep. Okay. So I am not surprised that you blocked a lot of childhood out, because what happens is that when you're in a situation that is extremely stressful as a young kid, because the adults around you can't be trusted, or they're erratic, or whatever the situation may be, you live in a state of fight or flight, and the alarm system in your body is going off. And when you are on edge and the alarm system in your nervous system is going off, because you don't feel safe around the adults in the house, it impairs the cognitive functioning in your brain. This comes from research out of UCLA. Dr. Judith Willis has studied extensively how nervous system dysregulation impacts the brain's ability to function. And so if you're busy managing this toxic stress in your body as a kid, your brain's not actually present to make memories. And so super normal to not have a lot of memories, by the way. I do not have a lot of memories from my childhood,

9. 27:48 – 30:49

   This trauma response is very common when you live in a state of anxiety.

   1. MRMel Robbins27:48

      from high school, from college, from law school, 'cause I was in a constant state of anxiety. Never present in the room to make memories there. And what I want to tell you first is the good news. So the good news is, even though you have been the victim of being with a narcissist, and you have had a childhood that was fraught with all kinds of stuff, you can change your brain. You can learn how to calm your nervous system, and you can absolutely change the programming in your mind. And I want you to relate to the programming in your mind as if it was deliberately put there.

   2. GUGuest28:39

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins28:39

      Because even though a narcissist or somebody with a narcissistic personality is not deliberately doing this to you, they are so incapable of empathy, they're not even considering you and me. We're objects. They're just doing what they're doing. But we literally get damaged in the way that we think about ourselves when you're around somebody like that, 'cause you think you're the problem. You think-

   4. GUGuest29:06

      Mm-hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins29:06

      ... that if there was something different about you, then everything would be okay. And lots of people with a narcissistic personality issue, they actually tell you that you're the problem. And so this was a deliberate programming in your mind at the hands of other adults. Now, the good news is you're an adult, and you can take deliberate steps to reprogram your mind. And I'm going straight for, like, boom in the face on this, because I want you to realize that you got to get deliberate about this.

   6. GUGuest29:45

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins29:45

      That somebody else trained you to think this way, and it is a level of being deliberate as if I said, "You're gonna move to Russia, and you got to speak fluent Russian." I realize you've spoken... How old are you?

   8. GUGuest30:03

      65.

   9. MRMel Robbins30:04

      You've sp- spoken English for 65 years.

   10. GUGuest30:06

       Mm-hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins30:07

       But for the rest of your life, we're going to speak Russian.

   12. GUGuest30:10

       Okay.

   13. MRMel Robbins30:10

       We're going to speak Swahili. We're going to speak a different language.

   14. GUGuest30:15

       (laughs)

   15. MRMel Robbins30:15

       And you can learn a different language. And learning to shut off the...... abusive voice in your head, and teaching yourself through thought subs- substitution, a different language is what you're going to have to do. So that's number one. Number two, you're not gonna overnight be able to look in a mirror like, "I love myself."

   16. GUGuest30:47

       Mm-mm.

   17. MRMel Robbins30:47

       It doesn't work that way-

   18. GUGuest30:48

       No.

   19. MRMel Robbins30:48

       ... because

10. 30:49 – 32:24

    Here’s why telling yourself that you love yourself doesn’t work for you.

    1. MRMel Robbins30:49

       you've had a lifetime of people telling you otherwise and your brain will reject any mantra that you choose, that you have actively tried to disprove.

    2. GUGuest31:01

       Mm-hmm.

    3. MRMel Robbins31:01

       And so we gotta pick something for you, that you may not quite be there yet, but you believe in the truth of it.

    4. GUGuest31:10

       Mm-hmm.

    5. MRMel Robbins31:10

       And what I believe that everybody deserves is, I, I think you can say, "I deserve to be happy." Or, "I'm a good person who's trying her best and I deserve to be ha- I'm a kind person who deserves respect. I am doing the best I can and that's good enough." Like, there are these mantras that kick the narcissist, "You're not good enough, who do you think you are?" thing out of your head.

    6. GUGuest31:40

       Mm-hmm.

    7. MRMel Robbins31:40

       And you can say something back that's like, "Hey, I'm a kind person. I'm doing the best I can, and that's good enough." And that is enough of a rebuke and it's believable enough, even when you're beaten down, that as you repeat it and repeat it and repeat it and repeat it to yourself, 'cause you're gonna have to, you will start to believe it. And one final thing that I wanted to say to you, is that you know how you said that the programming started with my parents and then it was an ex, and then it was colleagues, and then it was a boss, and then it was this? That may be true, but we've also got to start to do the work of catching the filter

11. 32:24 – 38:02

    Yes, your boss may be a douche, but you don’t have to let that ruin you.

    1. MRMel Robbins32:24

       in your brain. So yes, your boss may be e- an erratic douche, who calls out the things that are negative or is always in a grouchy mood.

    2. GUGuest32:36

       Mm-hmm.

    3. MRMel Robbins32:37

       But that doesn't mean anything about you. This is where your filter and the programming in your mind scans the world and reads your boss's crappy mood as having to do with you, because the narcissists in your life made you feel like everything was your fault.

    4. GUGuest32:57

       Mm-hmm.

    5. MRMel Robbins32:57

       For all you know, your boss's wife is having an affair, he's going through a tumultuous divorce, he's dealing with, like, some issue in his gut and he has irritable bowel syndrome, which is why he's always grouchy, and he's a really sad sack guy who can't get his shit together 'cause he has childhood trauma. None of which has to do with you.

    6. GUGuest33:15

       Mm-mm.

    7. MRMel Robbins33:15

       But your programming in your mind makes you think everything's your fault. And that's also the part of the work that you're gonna need to do. You gotta reprogram the words you say. "Hey, I'm a kind person. I'm doing the best I can. That's good enough." Or, "I deserve to be happy, especially after these assholes that were in my life." You can put a little sauce in there, like, you know, you can tell I like a little spicy mantra.

    8. GUGuest33:39

       (laughs)

    9. MRMel Robbins33:39

       Like something that... You know, 'cause if you don't quite believe it, if it doesn't, like, loosen you up a little bit, that's not the right thing to say. 'Cause most mantras are bullshit because people pick things like, "I love myself." And then they spend the day going, "You look like shit. You d- screwed that..."

    10. GUGuest33:55

        (laughs)

    11. MRMel Robbins33:55

        Like, no, you don't love yourself. "I need to give myself a break. I'm doing the best I can." Now, there's a mantra I can get behind 'cause I believe that. And so pick something believable, put a little edge or fun into it 'cause it shakes the mood down a little bit, and then go to work on this filter that you have of making everything is your fault, because it's freaking not.

    12. GUGuest34:17

        Mm-mm.

    13. MRMel Robbins34:17

        Your stupid parents and your dumb ex-husband, all of whom were mentally challenged with narcissistic personalities, made you think that horseshit. You're not to blame for that, but you have a responsibility to change the way you talk to yourself and to basically go, "Not everything's about me." Thank God.

    14. GUGuest34:37

        (laughs) I love this.

    15. MRMel Robbins34:37

        I love that you're laughing now. You seem lighter.

    16. GUGuest34:40

        I feel good.

    17. MRMel Robbins34:40

        What did you get out of this?

    18. GUGuest34:43

        I, I love... The, the one thing, it's not everything's about me, period. It's not, it's not mine, not always, not all of it, you know, and really retraining the brain, really working through catching those filters. You know, and it's gonna have to be one step at a time.

    19. MRMel Robbins35:02

        That's it. And, and here's... Give yourself a fucking break. Seriously. Give yourself a break. Like, have a little bit of compassion for... "Wow, I got out of a marriage with a raging narcissist. I'm pretty awesome."

    20. GUGuest35:18

        (laughs) Yes, I am.

    21. MRMel Robbins35:21

        Yes, you are.

    22. GUGuest35:22

        Yes, I am.

    23. MRMel Robbins35:23

        Give yourself more credit. And, you know, it is true, like, we get so focused on our own bullshit that we convince ourselves that the world's problems are our doing.

    24. GUGuest35:34

        Mm-hmm.

    25. MRMel Robbins35:34

        Most people have so much stuff going on and are so busy beating themselves up, they're not even thinking about you and me.

    26. GUGuest35:41

        Well, yeah. All right. New mantra.

    27. MRMel Robbins35:45

        You got this. You got this. I, let me hear you say your new mantra.

    28. GUGuest35:51

        Well, quit taking myself so seriously, I'm not getting out of this thing alive. (laughs)

    29. MRMel Robbins35:56

        (laughs) That's true. This ends the same... And, and how about adding, "I might as well enjoy the rest of the ride."

    30. GUGuest36:02

        There we go. I may as well-
12. 38:02 – 43:11

    Don’t leave today without taking away this message

    1. MRMel Robbins38:02

       was and then I held onto that belief," don't freak out. This is great news because so many people spend their entire lives not even realizing that it's possible to change the way you think. It is possible to put a new playlist in your mind. It is possible to filter the world completely differently and to make your brain work for you. Now, are you gonna have positive thoughts all day long? No. Are you gonna be, like, you know, 1000% confident? No. But can you stop torturing yourself? Yes. Can you start encouraging yourself? You better believe you can. Can you separate what your narcissistic piece of shit ex-spouse said to you from what you actually believe about yourself, that you wanna believe about yourself? Yeah, you can. Can you do it overnight? No. You're gonna have to work at this, just like the people in your past worked over time at saying things to you that beat you down. This stuff takes hold over time, but the good news is your brain is super responsive, and when you combine what you're learning about resetting your mind with healing your nervous system and the science of making and sticking to new habits, all of which you are absolutely smart enough and capable enough to apply to your life because your friend Mel Robbins. I am not going to make this scientific. I'm gonna give you the science so that you know this stuff works and you can count on it and trust it, but I make this stuff so dead simple that literally your kids and I can do it. And so you can do everything that you are learning on the Mel Robbins podcast. You can change your mind. You can kick the bully out of your head. You can program in new thoughts. You can actively work to change the reticular activity system in your brain, that network of neurons that filters the world. You can take better care of your brain, and taking care of your physical brain will also help the thoughts in your mind. You can develop new healthy habits using the three simple aspects of a habit based in science and focusing on triggers and rewards, and you can do this. You can make it easier. And you can heal your nervous system, which is the trifecta of transformation. We hit the habits, the mindset, and the nervous system, holy shit, you're like the Terminator of transformation. You could do anything. I, I believe that. I just have way too much evidence to the otherwise. And if you're cynical about that, take a look at who, who taught you to be cynical. Just because life hasn't worked out for you the way that you wanted to up until this point, who fucking says it's not gonna work out for you and the best days aren't ahead? I'll tell you who says. You do. You decide whether or not you're going to continue to let all this crap you're not responsible for to hold you back, or you're going to take responsibility for what happens next. Heal your nervous system. You can do that, and you don't have to spend a dollar. Change your mind. You can do that, and you don't have to spend a dollar to do it. Make new habits, habits that actually help you get what you want, what you deserve. You can do that, and you do not have to spend money to do it. And know that that's why I'm here. I'm here to help you do these things. I'm here because I know it's possible. I'm here because I'm trying to save you the headache of living with these negative thoughts, as I have for 40 plus years. I'm trying to save you just the discomfort and the agitation and the horrible feeling of living with a dysregulated nervous system, as I have done for over 45 years. And I am absolutely right here beside you, trying to make some new habits using this simple science. And so we got each other's back in this one, but I want you to know change is possible. It's not only possible, you will make it happen, you just have to start to do the work. All right. I love you. I believe in you and your ability to take all these coaching sessions and apply them to your life right now. And I can't wait to hear what you got out of this episode. Talk to you in a few days. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podca-

Episode duration: 43:49