The Mel Robbins PodcastIf You’re Feeling Uncertain & Anxious, You Need to Hear This | Dr. Julie on The Mel Robbins Podcast
CHAPTERS
- 0:06 – 1:12
You’re not alone: normalizing struggle with the “1 in 4” rice visual
Dr. Julie opens by reframing mental health struggles as a common, normal human experience, using a rice metaphor to show how widespread it is. The point is to reduce shame and self-judgment by recognizing that many people around you are quietly dealing with something too.
- •Life is hard; having a hard time doesn’t mean something is wrong with you
- •One in four people experience a mental health issue in a given year
- •The “wild rice” mixed into “white rice” illustrates how common struggle is
- •Normalizing pain removes shame and creates room for curiosity
- 1:12 – 5:04
Mel welcomes Dr. Julie Smith and frames the episode as a practical toolkit for hard times
Mel introduces the show, celebrates the community, and brings Dr. Julie on with emphasis on actionable tools. She highlights Dr. Julie’s books—especially "Open When"—as a manual for real-life moments like self-doubt, regret, anger, awkwardness, and overthinking.
- •Episode focus: tools you can use when life feels chaotic or overwhelming
- •Dr. Julie’s work translates therapy concepts into everyday life skills
- •"Open When" is structured as scenario-based, bite-sized guidance
- •Mel sets a tone of action, not just insight
- 5:04 – 8:27
Why “Open When” exists: help in the crisis moment, not just prevention
Dr. Julie explains that her first book helped build resilience over time, but people were using it in moments of panic—when advice like “you should’ve started earlier” isn’t helpful. "Open When" is designed to guide you through the moment with language that stabilizes attention and shows a path forward.
- •Difference between building skills over time vs. needing immediate support
- •In crisis, you need direction and grounding—“follow me” guidance
- •Shifting attention can quickly change your ability to cope
- •She wanted something her kids could “take in their suitcase” for tough times
- 8:27 – 13:59
What a psychologist really does: teaching emotion and thought skills for everyday life
Dr. Julie describes her mission as moving useful therapeutic education out of the therapy room. Many people aren’t “clinically ill”—they’re struggling because they don’t trust themselves to handle emotions, thoughts, or relationship stressors, and skill-building changes that.
- •Therapy tools are often universal life skills
- •People get stuck when they fear emotions or lack coping strategies
- •Education creates agency: “armed up to the hilt” for life
- •Focus on practical, repeatable skills rather than labels
- 13:59 – 17:06
Emotional toolkit foundations: emotions as information + managing the thought spotlight
Dr. Julie breaks an emotional toolkit into two core categories: emotions and thoughts. She reframes emotions as normal signals (not personal defects) and introduces thought diffusion/attention control using the “spotlight on a stage” metaphor—your power is where you aim attention.
- •Emotion regulation is about responding skillfully, not erasing feelings
- •Dropping judgment and turning toward feelings with curiosity
- •“Positive vibes only” culture backfires and increases self-criticism
- •Spotlight metaphor: you can’t remove all thoughts, but you can choose attention
- 17:06 – 20:04
A real-life stress test: using the toolkit during Dr. Julie’s cancer diagnosis
Dr. Julie shares how a breast cancer diagnosis forced her to apply her own tools under extreme uncertainty. She rewrote her chapter on fear to shift into stronger language and a more empowered stance, emphasizing action and responsibility without pretending fear disappears.
- •Don’t delay health checks; time can be a critical “weapon”
- •Diagnosis uncertainty arrives in fragments, intensifying fear
- •She needed language that created strength, not just comfort
- •Key shift: fear can be present while you still move forward
- 20:04 – 25:18
Prey vs. predator: transforming helpless fear into focused action
Building on the cancer story, Dr. Julie explains the psychological difference between “prey” (reactive, threat-avoiding) and “predator” (goal-directed, front-foot). The external situation may be unchanged, but the internal stance changes behavior, attention, and momentum.
- •Predator mindset: set a target and pursue next steps
- •Prey mindset: frantic avoidance and loss of agency
- •“Cancer isn’t coming after me—I’m coming after it” as a usable reframe
- •Using fear as fuel doesn’t require eliminating fear first
- 25:18 – 28:21
Overwhelm and grief: letting emotional waves rise and pass (sauna + ocean metaphors)
Dr. Julie emphasizes she still had dark, overwhelmed moments and didn’t “tool” her way into constant positivity. She teaches acceptance and containment: emotions are like heat in a sauna (helpful if you don’t stay too long) or waves in the ocean (brace and let them pass).
- •Connection helps regulate big feelings—reach out if possible
- •Don’t numb or fight emotions; allow them to wash over you
- •Acceptance prevents the “tumble” that comes from resisting the wave
- •Ask what the emotion is signaling (needs, fears, next step)
- 28:21 – 32:13
Comparison and resentment: stop using people you love as a scoreboard
The conversation shifts to chronic comparison and how it damages friendships and self-worth. Dr. Julie reframes resentment as a signal—often about boundaries or missing gratitude—and explains that the real issue is usually not comparing, but comparing in unhelpful ways.
- •Comparison is human; “just stop comparing” is unrealistic
- •Comparing to friends creates a win/lose dynamic that erodes intimacy
- •Resentment often signals boundary issues or unspoken needs
- •Gratitude and responsibility can be antidotes to bitterness
- 32:13 – 33:47
Making comparison useful: be specific and compare to learn, not to judge worth
Dr. Julie outlines how to turn comparison into a constructive tool by narrowing it to a skill and choosing an appropriate reference point. Rather than comparing identity or overall worth, you compare something concrete to gain insight and improve.
- •Wrong comparison: global self-worth, lifestyle, personality
- •Right comparison: a specific skill with someone a few steps ahead
- •Use comparison to extract learning and practice targets
- •Specific framing prevents comparison from becoming self-torture
- 33:47 – 41:33
Social confidence and anxiety: exposure ladders + moving the spotlight outward
Dr. Julie draws from her own shyness and explains that confidence grows from repeated action in situations where you initially have none. Practical tools include building a fear hierarchy (start small, repeat often) and shifting attention away from self-monitoring toward curiosity about others.
- •Confidence is a byproduct of evidence from repeated action
- •Create a fear scale: least scary to most scary; start at the bottom
- •Social anxiety is fueled by inward focus (“How am I coming across?”)
- •Use the spotlight: listen, notice, ask questions—focus outward to reduce spirals
- 41:33 – 49:25
Stop being so hard on yourself: failure, regret, and becoming your own coach
Dr. Julie tackles harsh self-criticism by changing your relationship with failure and the voice in your head. Using the bully vs. best-friend metaphor and elite-athlete coaching analogy, she shows how self-compassion supports risk-taking and growth.
- •If your mind isn’t a safe place, you won’t take necessary risks
- •Self-talk can function like a bully or like a supportive coach
- •Recognizing regret can signal growth—“I’m not that person now”
- •Practice coach-language: honest, kind, forward-focused
- 49:25 – 1:21:53
Navigating uncertainty, anxiety, and avoidance: values-based choices that expand your life
Dr. Julie connects uncertainty and anxiety to the urge to control and the trap of avoidance. She introduces a values exercise to guide decisions (not based on comfort) and uses the “shrinking rainbow” model to show how avoidance gradually collapses your life—then explains rebuilding by small, repeated “toe dips” beyond your comfort zone.
- •Uncertainty is unavoidable; distress increases when you try to control it
- •Narrow focus to the next steps; live as if you have a future
- •Values worksheet: define what matters in life areas; rate importance vs. alignment
- •Avoidance relieves short-term but strengthens fear and shrinks life over time
- •Rebuild gradually: one manageable step, repeated, then expand to the next layer
