The Best Relationship Advice I’d Give My 27-Year-Old Daughter

1. 0:00 – 2:47

   Meet the Guest

   1. SRSawyer Robbins0:00

      My name is Sawyer. I'm 27 years old, and I need advice

   2. MRMel Robbins0:04

      Sawyer is my co-author of The Let Them Theory. She produced our global tour, and she was both in it, oversaw the entire creative direction of it. We basically turned our mother-daughter issues into comedy sketches to illustrate the lessons that we have learned the hard way.

   3. SRSawyer Robbins0:23

      What's the single most important piece of advice you would give someone who's going through a breakup and feels like their entire future just fell apart?

   4. MRMel Robbins0:31

      Your future did just fall apart. It was supposed to, and there's nothing wrong with you. You have not met a person that deserves you yet. [upbeat music] Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so thrilled that you're here with me today. If you're new, if somebody shared this with you, I also just wanna take a moment and welcome you to The Mel Robbins Podcast family. Today, we are doing something that I've never done before. I am sitting here with our daughter, Sawyer. Sawyer, uh, is our oldest, oldest of three. If you're a new listener, my husband and I have been married 30 years. We have three kids. How old are you? 27?

   5. SRSawyer Robbins1:16

      I am 27.

   6. MRMel Robbins1:17

      27. Kendall, who's 26. Oakley, who's 21. We are sitting in the TV room here in our Vermont house, and our rescue cat, Mr. Noodle, has jumped on my lap, and his eyes are open, but he's got that sort of dead weight of an animal that's sleeping. Anybody that has a cat understands what a precarious position I'm in right now, 'cause my legs are crossed, and I already feel my foot falling asleep. But we are doing something that I've never done before. I have no idea what we're talking about. Sawyer has a clipboard in front of her. What are we doing?

   7. SRSawyer Robbins1:52

      Hi, my name is Sawyer Robbins, and today, I have the pleasure of asking Mel, my mom, tons of questions about love, dating, and relationships that I myself have had for a really long time. I've pulled from listener and audience questions. I've gathered from my sister, my friends, all of who are in the same age group.

   8. MRMel Robbins2:12

      Questions about love and relationships.

   9. SRSawyer Robbins2:14

      Yep.

   10. MRMel Robbins2:14

       Are these just questions you have about your relationship, or are these, like, random questions?

   11. SRSawyer Robbins2:18

       These are random questions from-

   12. MRMel Robbins2:20

       Okay, 'cause I know Gavin, your boyfriend, listens to this show.

   13. SRSawyer Robbins2:23

       Yes, he does.

   14. MRMel Robbins2:23

       So what do you... Do you wanna say something to Gavin?

   15. SRSawyer Robbins2:26

       Gavin, I love you so much, and, uh, any of these questions, I've probably already brought up with you.

   16. MRMel Robbins2:32

       [laughs]

   17. SRSawyer Robbins2:32

       So you have nothing to worry about.

   18. MRMel Robbins2:34

       [laughs] I love that. Okay, good. So we can both weigh in, and we can go straight for, boom, the hard truth.

   19. SRSawyer Robbins2:39

       The jugular.

   20. MRMel Robbins2:40

       Okay. Well, you can go for the jugular. I'm just gonna tell you what I think.

   21. SRSawyer Robbins2:43

       Great. Okay, let me start with the first one.

   22. MRMel Robbins2:46

       All right.

2. 2:47 – 16:33

   How to Tell If Your Partner Is Right for You

   1. SRSawyer Robbins2:47

      How do you know if someone is the right person for you versus an incredible person who just isn't the right fit?

   2. MRMel Robbins2:56

      Um, I'm gonna give you three things.

   3. SRSawyer Robbins2:59

      Perfect.

   4. MRMel Robbins3:01

      Number one, you know. There is a deep, just awful dread when you have a sense that the person that we- you're with is amazing, but there is just something that's not quite right. And I know this dread because I have felt it with two people in my lifetime-

   5. SRSawyer Robbins3:28

      Mm-hmm

   6. MRMel Robbins3:28

      ... before I met your father. Absolutely amazing human beings, and the truth is, I probably could have had a really beautiful marriage and life with either one of them. But I was not in a place where I was healthy enough to-

   7. SRSawyer Robbins3:46

      Mm

   8. MRMel Robbins3:46

      ... be in a relationship.

   9. SRSawyer Robbins3:49

      Do you feel like if you were healthy enough, you would end up marrying them?

   10. MRMel Robbins3:52

       The first guy, yeah.

   11. SRSawyer Robbins3:53

       Okay.

   12. MRMel Robbins3:54

       Yeah. Um, and we would have had a beautiful life together. But I was in my early 20s, and I had undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia. I was unaware of trauma that I experienced when I was in the fourth grade.

   13. SRSawyer Robbins4:13

       Mm-hmm.

   14. MRMel Robbins4:14

       And I was a walking anxiety attack. I was on edge or drunk most of the time, and it's very hard to be in a healthy relationship when you're not healthy.

   15. SRSawyer Robbins4:31

       Mm.

   16. MRMel Robbins4:33

       And it's not fair to the other person because they can try to make you okay. They can... Or, and new relationships are so distracting. Oh my gosh. It's intoxicating-

   17. SRSawyer Robbins4:45

       Yeah

   18. MRMel Robbins4:45

       ... when you are falling in love with somebody, and it seems to wipe away all your problems because the... I don't even know what the neurochemicals are that are flooding your body, but goddamn, do they feel good.

   19. SRSawyer Robbins4:56

       [laughs]

   20. MRMel Robbins4:57

       And good enough-- It's better than a Zolaft, let me tell you that.

   21. SRSawyer Robbins5:00

       [laughs]

   22. MRMel Robbins5:00

       And so [laughs] I literally, um... But what happens is, when the relationship goes from liftoff to cruising-

   23. SRSawyer Robbins5:09

       Yeah. That's when all bets are off

   24. MRMel Robbins5:11

       ... well, what happens is all of the flood of falling in love starts to disappear, which means all of the issues that you haven't dealt with in yourself come back.

   25. SRSawyer Robbins5:21

       Right.

   26. MRMel Robbins5:22

       And then you make the mistake that I made, which is you think the problem is the other person. You think the problem is the relationship. Actually, no, you're the problem, 'cause you're not healthy. So there is a deep dread that you feel when you know that you are with the right person, but it's the wrong time.

   27. SRSawyer Robbins5:46

       Okay.

   28. MRMel Robbins5:47

       Or you're with the right person, but you're not right.

   29. SRSawyer Robbins5:52

       Or you're with the wrong person.

   30. MRMel Robbins5:54

       Or you're with a really, really good person, but they're the wrong person for you. And it begins with this deep knowing.
3. 16:33 – 23:51

   How to Know When You Need to Be Single

   1. SRSawyer Robbins16:33

      How do you know when it's time to be single?

   2. MRMel Robbins16:36

      If you have been in a series of relationships and you have never taken a break, you're an overlapper. And if you're an overlapper, you know what I mean. You're sort of like somebody doing the trapeze, where before you let go of this one, you're grabbing the next one.

   3. SRSawyer Robbins16:52

      [laughs]

   4. MRMel Robbins16:53

      Um, you need to be single.

   5. SRSawyer Robbins16:56

      Yeah.

   6. MRMel Robbins16:57

      Because you have been using relationships as a way to regulate yourself instead of dealing with the issues and patterns in your life that are making you unhappy.

   7. SRSawyer Robbins17:06

      Ugh.

   8. MRMel Robbins17:06

      Another person does not solve the deeper issues in your life. Another person is a distraction that keeps you from healing and growing and fixing the things that you need to fix longer.

   9. SRSawyer Robbins17:21

      I cannot wait to send that to so many people I know.

   10. MRMel Robbins17:23

       No, it's true, 'cause I was that person. I was that person, that from the age of 13 all the way until meeting your father, I was always in a relationship.

   11. SRSawyer Robbins17:36

       So you never had a single moment.

   12. MRMel Robbins17:38

       I have never been single since I was 13, and it cost me a lot.

   13. SRSawyer Robbins17:43

       Yeah. Wow.

   14. MRMel Robbins17:44

       I don't have the group of girlfriends that I see you and your sister having from college-

   15. SRSawyer Robbins17:49

       Mm-hmm

   16. MRMel Robbins17:49

       ... because I was always in a relationship.

   17. SRSawyer Robbins17:52

       Yeah.

   18. MRMel Robbins17:52

       Always. I was that girl that was always in a relationship, and I really regret it, and it delayed my healing by at least 15 years.

   19. SRSawyer Robbins18:02

       And I think we need to clarify, because today's day and age, there's so many people who are, quote, "not in relationships," but they're still dating, but when you are dating, you are in a relationship.

   20. MRMel Robbins18:12

       Yes.

   21. SRSawyer Robbins18:12

       And so the, if you are continuing to see someone consistently, even if you don't have the title of boyfriend, girlfriend, you are still not having that single era.

   22. MRMel Robbins18:21

       Correct, because you're putting a ton of energy ... into what this other person is thinking-

   23. SRSawyer Robbins18:28

       Yes

   24. MRMel Robbins18:28

       ... and how do I spend time with this person, and what should I be looking like for this person, versus really having time by yourself.

   25. SRSawyer Robbins18:38

       Mm-hmm. I think that was, like, the best thing I ever did, was be single for, like, six years.

   26. MRMel Robbins18:45

       I'm so jealous, honestly. Like, I really... It's one of the biggest regrets of my life-

   27. SRSawyer Robbins18:50

       Yeah

   28. MRMel Robbins18:50

       ... that I was always in a relationship when I was young. I- if I could go back and wave a magic wand, I would make myself single for my entire college and law school years.

   29. SRSawyer Robbins19:02

       Mm.

   30. MRMel Robbins19:02

       And that would have also saved these two wonderful men the h- headache and heartache of having to deal with me during a very self-destructive period of my life.
4. 23:51 – 31:56

   When Should You Put Your Partner First?

   1. SRSawyer Robbins23:51

      This comes from someone in Kendall's network, my sister. "My partner is incredibly ambitious and pursuing their dreams heavily."

   2. MRMel Robbins23:59

      Yeah.

   3. SRSawyer Robbins23:59

      "But I feel like I've taken a backseat in the relationship. How do you make sure both people's dreams matter equally?"

   4. MRMel Robbins24:08

      So you have taken a backseat, and you should.

   5. SRSawyer Robbins24:12

      Okay.

   6. MRMel Robbins24:13

      There are periods in life-

   7. SRSawyer Robbins24:15

      Mm-hmm

   8. MRMel Robbins24:16

      ... where focusing on your ambition and the thing that you want to create comes first You cannot build a massive business and also be there all the time for your kids.

   9. SRSawyer Robbins24:34

      Mm-hmm.

   10. MRMel Robbins24:34

       You cannot write a book and pour yourself into it and pour the exact same amount of time and energy into your relationship. That's just the truth.

   11. SRSawyer Robbins24:47

       Yeah.

   12. MRMel Robbins24:48

       And understanding that there are periods of your life where your ambition should come first.

   13. SRSawyer Robbins24:54

       Mm-hmm.

   14. MRMel Robbins24:55

       Because if you don't put in the time and you don't put in the energy, you will live with that regret for the rest of your life. I think about your sister right now. She is meant to be out in the world singing. It is so obvious to everybody that knows her. And she said to me the other day, "I'm so happy I'm single right now."

   15. SRSawyer Robbins25:12

       Yeah.

   16. MRMel Robbins25:12

       "Because the period of my career that I'm in right now needs all of my attention." And if you're in a relationship with somebody who is wildly ambitious and you're starting to feel like you're not as important, number one, you're not as important, and number two, that's a huge wake-up call for you to figure out what is the purpose for your life. What are the things that make you feel like what you're doing matters? Because there is more to life than being somebody's girlfriend or wife. There is more to life than being somebody's mother. There is a contribution that you are here to make, and if you're in a relationship with somebody who has massive ambitions-

   17. SRSawyer Robbins25:55

       Mm-hmm

   18. MRMel Robbins25:56

       ... you should take time to figure out what are your ambitions. And here's the, the twist on this. Ambition doesn't have anything to do with money. Ambition is the drive that you have to create and experience things. I happen to be a person that is extraordinarily ambitious.

   19. SRSawyer Robbins26:22

       Mm-hmm.

   20. MRMel Robbins26:23

       I love building things. I love the creative process. I, I wake up every day excited because it creates meaning and drive and a sense of purpose for me.

   21. SRSawyer Robbins26:33

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MRMel Robbins26:34

       Your father is extraordinarily ambitious, and the last thing he is ever thinking about is money. You can be ambitious in the way that you support your partner and the way that you raise kids. You can be ambitious in how you volunteer, in the road races that you run. But you need to have something that's yours.

   23. SRSawyer Robbins26:59

       Right. So let me ask a follow-up question. I know a lot of people who feel like their partner's career and their partner's ambition is driving every decision in the relationship, and their decisions don't matter. So is your advice to basically say, "Screw what your partner's doing. Don't move to the city because you don't want to"?

   24. MRMel Robbins27:18

       It's a yes and.

   25. SRSawyer Robbins27:19

       Okay.

   26. MRMel Robbins27:19

       So here is the truth, and I don't like this, but it's the truth.

   27. SRSawyer Robbins27:25

       Okay.

   28. MRMel Robbins27:27

       The person who typically makes more money drives the decisions.

   29. SRSawyer Robbins27:30

       Mm-hmm.

   30. MRMel Robbins27:33

       That's one of the reasons why I have been adamant with you and your sister that you need to make your own money, because money is power, money is freedom, money gives you choices.
5. 31:56 – 38:49

   How to Support a Struggling Partner

   1. MRMel Robbins31:56

      Okay.

   2. SRSawyer Robbins31:56

      How do you support a partner who's struggling to find a job or figure out their career without becoming controlling, critical, or feeling responsible for their success?

   3. MRMel Robbins32:06

      Uh, this is a really hard one because your dad, I believe, was laid off from seven jobs in nine years.

   4. SRSawyer Robbins32:15

      Mm-hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins32:16

      You cannot force somebody to be motivated. You cannot force somebody to be ambitious. You cannot force somebody to be successful in a career they don't like. It takes some of us a very, very long time to find our way, and it's extremely difficult to watch somebody that you care deeply about and that you believe in slowly lose belief in themselves.

   6. SRSawyer Robbins32:45

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins32:46

      And right now, it's important to understand that we are in an extremely difficult job market.

   8. SRSawyer Robbins32:53

      Yeah.

   9. MRMel Robbins32:54

      And we are in very weird times, at least in this country, and scary times, and there's so much change that's happening, it's very easy to feel paralyzed. And I think the most important thing that you can do, if this is a person who you see is making the effort, is to allow them to borrow your belief and optimism that this will all work out. You being able to authentically say, "I trust the timing of your life. I trust that you are going to figure this out. I trust that even if it takes you a year before you find a job, that you will look back and you will see the reason why it took a year, and you will understand that all of this," as Oprah says, "is happening for you."

   10. SRSawyer Robbins33:58

       Mm-hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins33:59

       And so here's what I've learned the hard way. The person that's looking for a job already feels like shit about it. They are already beating themselves up. They already feel bad. Do not make them feel bad.

   12. SRSawyer Robbins34:14

       Mm-hmm.

   13. MRMel Robbins34:15

       'Cause they're making themselves feel so bad, they're doing it as if 10 people are f- are putting pressure on them. They're putting so much pressure on themselves. You think they wanna be unemployed? Of course not.

   14. SRSawyer Robbins34:25

       Right.

   15. MRMel Robbins34:25

       Do you think they feel good not making money? Of course not. So you adding more pressure, you adding concern just makes that weight heavier. It's critical, even when you don't believe, to continue to say, "I know this is all gonna work out."

   16. SRSawyer Robbins34:44

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins34:45

       "I know it's gonna be tough. I know it's gonna take longer than you and I want it to, and, uh, I, I see how hard you're working at this, and I know it's not easy. And I believe that you didn't get that job 'cause you weren't supposed to."

   18. SRSawyer Robbins34:59

       Yeah.

   19. MRMel Robbins34:59

       "You are not succeeding at this 'cause you're not supposed to be succeeding at this. You're supposed to be a teacher. You're supposed to be a therapist. You're supposed to be a golf pro. You're supposed to be somebody that buys a small business with your dad, and you own a small business in a community."

   20. SRSawyer Robbins35:21

       Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins35:21

       "You're not meant to be a person doing..." You know what your dad was trying to do? He was trying to do tech sales. He hated it, but he was trying to be good at something he hated. You will never be good at something you hate.

   22. SRSawyer Robbins35:33

       Right.

   23. MRMel Robbins35:34

       You just have something different that's meant for you, and some people need 11 layoffs to figure it out. Some people need to be unemployed for a year to realize, "Well, this isn't working. Maybe I need to make a radical change."

   24. SRSawyer Robbins35:46

       Mm-hmm.

   25. MRMel Robbins35:46

       It is critical if you're looking for a job that you create something that you can control that makes you proud of yourself, and I would highly recommend that you structure a physical thing. This would be a perfect time to train for a marathon. This would be a perfect time to do a challenge like 75 Hard. This would be a perfect time to take on a project that gives your day-to-day life structure. Now, here's the caveat. If you're with somebody that's looking for a job, and they're slowly starting to disengage, and they are sleeping in, and they're drinking more, and they're spending a ton of time online-

   26. SRSawyer Robbins36:28

       Or watching TV

   27. MRMel Robbins36:29

       ... or watching TV nonstop, you've gotta really watch that. And when we had Dr. Jonathan Haidt on The Mel Robbins Podcast, he is a professor at NYU, he wrote that blockbuster bestselling book, The Anxious Generation.

   28. SRSawyer Robbins36:46

       Mm.

   29. MRMel Robbins36:46

       And his research also became some of the foundational research in the big landmark settlement cases. He came on our podcast and said, after doing all this research, where a lot of the research and a lot of the attention was on how social media apa- impacts girls and women-

   30. SRSawyer Robbins37:05

       Mm-hmm
6. 38:49 – 41:44

   How to Support Your Partner’s Growth

   1. SRSawyer Robbins38:50

      How do you encourage your partner to get outside of their comfort zone?

   2. MRMel Robbins38:54

      Well, why do you want them to get out of their comfort zone?

   3. SRSawyer Robbins38:59

      Because I know that a lot of growth can come by trying new experiences-

   4. MRMel Robbins39:02

      Mm-hmm

   5. SRSawyer Robbins39:02

      ... and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. In my own experience and in my own life-

   6. MRMel Robbins39:07

      Yeah

   7. SRSawyer Robbins39:07

      ... that is the best way I have learned how to grow.

   8. MRMel Robbins39:11

      Yes.

   9. SRSawyer Robbins39:12

      And I have had some of the best experiences of my entire life by pushing myself out of my comfort zone, but I don't know how to properly push my partner-

   10. MRMel Robbins39:23

       Okay

   11. SRSawyer Robbins39:23

       ... or motivate my partner, or ask my partner to push them out of their comfort zone without them feeling attacked.

   12. MRMel Robbins39:31

       It is important when you say, "Push someone out of their comfort zone," to first honor who you're dealing with.

   13. SRSawyer Robbins39:38

       Yeah.

   14. MRMel Robbins39:38

       Because your idea of what a risk is and pushing yourself out of, is terrifying to most of us.

   15. SRSawyer Robbins39:44

       Mm-hmm.

   16. MRMel Robbins39:45

       And learning that you need to first accept the person that's in front of you, and understand, and I love this analogy, I've been sharing it a lot, that Oprah Winfrey learned from Pastor T.D. Jakes, that there are 10 gallon people and there are pint-sized people. There are people who need 10 gallons of love, attention, risk, adventure, growth, deep conversations. And then there are pint-sized people who only want a pint-sized of risk, and growth, and deep conversations. And it doesn't mean that 10 gallon people are better than pint-sized people, or pint-sized people are better than 10 gallon people. We're all just a little bit different.

   17. SRSawyer Robbins40:27

       But can 10 gallon people only be with 10 gallon people?

   18. MRMel Robbins40:31

       No. 10 gallon people can be very happy if they recognize they're with a pint-sized person, and they can lovingly accept that when a pint-sized person gives you the entire pint that they have to give or they take a pint-sized risk in your mind-

   19. SRSawyer Robbins40:48

       Mm-hmm

   20. MRMel Robbins40:49

       ... that they have done the impossible. And learning how to celebrate and truly acknowledge when a pint-sized person takes what feels like a 10 gallon risk.

   21. SRSawyer Robbins41:05

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MRMel Robbins41:05

       But because you're a 10 gallon person, it just looks like a tiny, it's like, "Come on, you can do more." You just invalidated something that they did that was a big deal.

   23. SRSawyer Robbins41:14

       Yeah.

   24. MRMel Robbins41:15

       And not celebrating the small moves on somebody that's not naturally like you, is the fastest way to shove them back in the corner and make them never take a risk again. And so, yes, you can be very happy if you stop trying to make somebody they aren't, and you celebrate-

   25. SRSawyer Robbins41:35

       Mm-hmm

   26. MRMel Robbins41:36

       ... every small little bit of growth, even though it's not enough for you.

   27. SRSawyer Robbins41:40

       Mm-hmm. Incredible.

   28. MRMel Robbins41:42

       Is that helpful?

   29. SRSawyer Robbins41:42

       Yes, very.

7. 41:44 – 44:06

   How to Compromise in a Relationship

   1. SRSawyer Robbins41:44

      I don't want to change my last name when I get married, but my partner, who's very traditional, feels strongly that I should.

   2. MRMel Robbins41:51

      Okay.

   3. SRSawyer Robbins41:51

      And feels they would be deeply offended if I did not change my last name. How do we navigate a disagreement where neither person wants to budge?

   4. MRMel Robbins42:02

      Okay. Go a layer deeper. Why does this matter? What does it mean to you if I am introduced to somebody you work with or somebody from your childhood, and I have a different last name? Like for me, I kept my name initially, I don't know why, because it was Melanie Schnabluger. [laughs]

   5. SRSawyer Robbins42:24

      [laughs]

   6. MRMel Robbins42:25

      Like, who keeps that name? You would've thought I would've dropped that sucker like a hot potato when I met Christopher Robbins. Um, and I just kept it, honestly, 'cause it was kind of a hassle to change everything.

   7. SRSawyer Robbins42:36

      Yeah.

   8. MRMel Robbins42:37

      And then we had you And I remember we were booking plane tickets, and something happened with the plane changing and us getting moved to a different plane, and they separated me from you and Dad.

   9. SRSawyer Robbins42:53

      Mm-hmm.

   10. MRMel Robbins42:53

       You had Dad's last name, and it was the first time I thought, "Oh, wait a minute. I, I want to be a unit."

   11. SRSawyer Robbins43:00

       Yeah.

   12. MRMel Robbins43:00

       And so when life changed-

   13. SRSawyer Robbins43:03

       Mm-hmm

   14. MRMel Robbins43:03

       ... I started to feel a change in my identity.

   15. SRSawyer Robbins43:07

       Yeah.

   16. MRMel Robbins43:08

       If you are in a stalemate with your partner on something, go a layer deeper. Help me understand why this matters so much to you. Help me understand, if I'm introduced, let's just say, as Melanie Schneeberger-

   17. SRSawyer Robbins43:22

       Mm-hmm

   18. MRMel Robbins43:22

       ... what happens for you? What does that mean? And what happens if they introduce me as Melanie Robbins? And what does that mean to you? And then you explain, "Well, I wanna keep my name because I have a huge career." Couples navigate this kind of stuff all the time. What religion are we gonna raise our kids? How about both? What name am I gonna go by? How about both? I keep my name professionally and on our marriage license and my driver's license. It's fine. You can introduce me as, you know, Mel Robbins, not Melanie Schneeberger.

   19. SRSawyer Robbins43:58

       [laughs]

   20. MRMel Robbins44:00

       Which now seems absurd because I have not had that name for 25 years. What's the next question?

8. 44:06 – 47:54

   How to Build Confidence While Single

   1. SRSawyer Robbins44:06

      I don't feel desirable or confident in dating anymore. How do I rebuild my confidence when I feel like nobody is choosing me? Ugh.

   2. MRMel Robbins44:18

      It is so easy, especially in today's world, to feel like you're just reduced to a piece of meat. And this is gonna sound like the cheesiest and dumbest eye roll advice, but if nobody's choosing you, you have to make some changes in your daily habits that make you feel like you're choosing yourself. And that is a wind chime that you're probably hearing in the background, and that's a wind chime, by the way, that was given to me when our dog Amigo died. And whenever it rings like that, I feel like Amigo's saying, "Yep, that's true. That's true." So Amigo liked the cheesy advice, but it's true. This is so disheartening when you feel like nobody's choosing you, because you wonder what's wrong with you.

   3. SRSawyer Robbins45:07

      Mm-hmm.

   4. MRMel Robbins45:08

      And there's nothing wrong with you. You have not met a person that deserves you yet. That's it. And it doesn't mean you're never gonna meet them. It means you haven't met them yet. And what I would recommend that you do during this period of time where you're still single, is what change, what habit, what hobby, what class could you take, what thing could you change that makes you feel really good about yourself? And I would highly recommend it's something physical. If you've always wanted to learn how to shuffle dance, go take a class. If you've always wanted to learn how to, like, be really good at jump roping, I see a lot of people doing that online, I'm like, "Hmm, I kinda would like to be really good at that," uh, go take a class. Stop putting your life on hold, waiting for the right person, and start filling your life now with the things that you've been putting on a shelf for when you find the one. Get in the best shape of your life. I can't tell you how important it is to understand that you change your mentality by changing your physicality, that when you move yourself physically, it changes your mindset. Physicality shifts spirituality. Physicality shifts your mentality. Physicality shifts your emotions. And that is something you can control. Getting stronger in your body. If you've never gone to a gym and you've never lifted weights, march into a gym, spend your extra money not on dating apps. Spend it hiring a trainer once or twice to work with you so that you can learn how to walk into a gym and lift weights. Physicality changes your mentality.

   5. SRSawyer Robbins47:03

      Mm-hmm.

   6. MRMel Robbins47:04

      And something will shift. And I know it sounds dumb, and I know you don't believe it, and I know you feel beaten down by life, and I know you're tired of going to weddings and engagement parties and bachelorette parties. I know you're tired of seeing everybody else live out the dreams that you want. I am telling you, you haven't met the right person yet. You haven't met a person who deserves to be in your life. And instead of succumbing to sadness, I want you to pull up your big-girl panties, and I want you to choose a couple changes, even just one.

   7. SRSawyer Robbins47:39

      I love that.

   8. MRMel Robbins47:40

      Because the more time you spend trying to find somebody, chasing somebody, the worse you're gonna feel.

   9. SRSawyer Robbins47:48

      Mm-hmm.

   10. MRMel Robbins47:49

       Stop looking, and start looking to yourself. That's what I would say.

   11. SRSawyer Robbins47:53

       Okay.

9. 47:54 – 50:03

   What to Do After a Breakup

   1. SRSawyer Robbins47:55

      So I have a few friends who just broke up with their significant other last week, so what they are-

   2. MRMel Robbins48:02

      Wow

   3. SRSawyer Robbins48:02

      ... I have sent all of them the breakup episode that you and I both did, 'cause there's so much good advice and tools-

   4. MRMel Robbins48:09

      Yep

   5. SRSawyer Robbins48:09

      ... in that episode that we did-

   6. MRMel Robbins48:10

      Yep, yep

   7. SRSawyer Robbins48:10

      ... right here. But right now, what's the single most important piece of advice, one piece of advice, you would give someone who's going through a breakup and feels like their entire future just fell apart?

   8. MRMel Robbins48:23

      You're right. Your future did just fall apart, and it was supposed to. The reason why you're breaking up is because you're not supposed to build a future with this person, and that's why the relationship ended, and it hurts because it mattered. And so the number-one piece of advice that I want to give you is to understand that you're grieving And it's okay to feel scared and uncertain, and also somewhat excited. Because everything that you've been thinking about, all of the things that you've been imagining, all of the role playing and fantasies that you have had in your mind about how this turns out, is dead, and you're now faced with a brand-new reality. And the number one piece of advice is honor that it's a big change, and that it's gonna take time. That's it.

   9. SRSawyer Robbins49:22

      Great.

   10. MRMel Robbins49:22

       And the hardest part about a breakup is not the breakup. It's tolerating the three months that come next. Even if you're the one that broke up with the person and ended the relationship, you're still grieving this future that you had, and your body is having to unlearn life with this person. Your mind is having to unlearn the fantasy that you were projecting over and over in your imagination, and it takes time. You will feel better in three months. Do not fill the next three months with a new relationship or sex with your ex, because it takes you right back to day one.

   11. SRSawyer Robbins50:01

       Incredible. Thank you so much.

10. 50:03 – 54:49

    The Secret to a Stronger Relationship

    1. MRMel Robbins50:03

       Sawyer, those were excellent questions about love and relationships. What's your big takeaway?

    2. SRSawyer Robbins50:10

       Oh. What is my big takeaway?

    3. MRMel Robbins50:21

       Well, I can see you're a slow processor like your father.

    4. SRSawyer Robbins50:23

       [laughs] I think that my biggest takeaway, and what seems like a really big thread throughout all of your answers, even if you didn't say this, is just that communication wins every single time.

    5. MRMel Robbins50:40

       Terry Real, who is a very famous couples therapist, came on the Mel Robbins Podcast and said, the most important thing to remember about relationships, you can be right or you can be connected.

    6. SRSawyer Robbins50:54

       Mm-hmm.

    7. MRMel Robbins50:54

       But you can't be both. And every disagreement, every standoff, everything that drives you crazy, every skill that you wish your partner would learn or habit you wish they would change, is an opportunity for you to go a layer deeper than the thing on the surface and truly get connected to the person that you care about and understand what's really going on, or what is the thing that is the deeper reason why something matters to them.

    8. SRSawyer Robbins51:29

       Mm-hmm.

    9. MRMel Robbins51:30

       And when you go and are able to get deeper beneath the surface, you will now have a deeply meaningful and lasting and supportive relationship. All that stuff you wanna ch- It's not, nothing's changing. But you can be more connected. You can truly support one another as you grow throughout your lifetimes. That's the best relationship, is a relationship where you both grow.

    10. SRSawyer Robbins51:59

        Yeah.

    11. MRMel Robbins52:00

        You really want to be a soft landing for each other, and you're not gonna create that by feeling like you're right, and it's gotta be this way, and I'm gonna boss this person around. That, that's not gonna lead to a relationship where you're, where either one of you are happy. That's what leads to people's drinking problems and cheating, and-

    12. SRSawyer Robbins52:22

        Mm-hmm

    13. MRMel Robbins52:22

        ... like, the passive-aggressive behavior and feeling like you're living on different planets.

    14. SRSawyer Robbins52:27

        Mm-hmm.

    15. MRMel Robbins52:29

        It really comes down to, you can be right or connected. And when you look at this person, even though they're, you know, wearing a pair of stained sweatpants, and they fell asleep with the remote in their hand, and the NFL game's on, and the dishes are in the sink, can you still look at them and be like, "You're still my favorite person. I wish you'd lose a few pounds, but you're still my favorite person" [laughs] If you can say that, you have a winner.

    16. SRSawyer Robbins52:57

        [laughs]

    17. MRMel Robbins52:59

        You did a great job.

    18. SRSawyer Robbins53:00

        Thanks.

    19. MRMel Robbins53:02

        I love you.

    20. SRSawyer Robbins53:02

        I love you too.

    21. MRMel Robbins53:02

        I'm so proud of you.

    22. SRSawyer Robbins53:04

        Thanks, Mom.

    23. MRMel Robbins53:04

        I love working with you.

    24. SRSawyer Robbins53:05

        I love working with you too. Thank you for being so vulnerable and answering all these questions.

    25. MRMel Robbins53:10

        Well, thank you for doing all this research. And I also wanna thank you. Thank you for being here with us. Let me know if you liked this format.

    26. SRSawyer Robbins53:20

        Mm-hmm.

    27. MRMel Robbins53:20

        Because I wanna d- answer your questions. I wanna know what you and the people in your life, particularly mother-daughter stuff, particularly parent-child stuff, sibling stuff. Um, I would love to do more casual episodes like this, where you can participate. And if you're wondering, "How do you ask a question?" Get on the newsletter list. Just go to melrobbins.com/newsletter. There are more than two million people a week that read it. It's free, and it's really hilarious and entertaining, and I think you're gonna love it too. Um, but that's it. I just appreciate you, I love you, and I love you too, Soy. And in case no one else tells you this today, I wanted to be sure to tell you as your friend, that I do love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And I hope that something that you heard today gives you something to do or a different way to think about a relationship in your life. Because when your relationships are just cooking, and you feel more connected to the people that you care about, boy, does your life get better, and I really want that for you. All righty, and thank you for watching all the way to the end here on YouTube. I love being here with you. I cannot wait to read all of your comments, and thank you for hitting subscribe. If that's lit up like a Christmas tree, please hit subscribe. It's the best way to say, "Thank you, Mel. Thank you for putting out The Mel Robbins Podcast and making it available for free here on YouTube." Speaking of YouTube, I know you wanna watch another episode. You're gonna love this one, and I'm gonna welcome you in the moment you hit play.

Episode duration: 54:51