The One Science-Backed Habit You Need This Year | The Mel Robbins Podcast

1. 0:00 – 0:36

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      (ticking sound) (intro music) Today, you and I are going to have a conversation about the most important relationship that you have in life, and that's the relationship you have with yourself. The first domino that needs to fall is something that I call the high five habit.

   2. GRGuest in clip (Mel’s husband, Chris Robbins)0:19

      The high five was easy. The looking at myself in the mirror, that was not easy.

   3. MRMel Robbins0:26

      Why? Can I hold your hand?

   4. GRGuest in clip (Mel’s husband, Chris Robbins)0:30

      (laughs) .

   5. MRMel Robbins0:34

      Hey, it's your friend Mel,

2. 0:36 – 3:40

   Introduction to the habit that has changed the lives of thousands of people

   1. MRMel Robbins0:36

      and welcome to a freaking fantastic episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited to talk to you today, because today you and I are gonna have a conversation about the most important relationship that you have in life, and that's the relationship you have with yourself. I am gonna introduce you to a habit that I want you to practice immediately. It is a habit that is based on profound research, and it is a habit that will help you improve the relationship you have with yourself. It will impact your happiness, your sense of control, your confidence. This is the mac daddy of all habits. You master this habit, you improve the relationship you have with yourself, and this is like the first domino. You know how in dominoes, when you line them up, there's that one domino that boom, you knock that sucker over and woo-hoo, (tongue trilling) I can't even, all the other dominoes fall. So we are talking about the gateway to creating a positive ripple effect in your life and improving the relationship with yourself, and also it is the secret, this habit, to self-acceptance and self-love. We know we should love ourselves, we should be kind to ourselves, we should accept ourselves, but nobody knows how to do it. And that's what this entire episode is about. I am gonna boil the how down to one extraordinarily simple habit backed by a crazy amount of research that we will link to, and my own research study involving 175,000 people from 91 countries who tried this habit for five days in a row. So that means we've got data points that stack up to 175,000 times five. I don't even know what that number is, but it's pretty big. This works. It's high-fiving yourself every morning in the mirror as part of your morning routine. That's it. And I've got the research to prove it. I've got studies to prove it. And what we have found based on our research is that it takes less than five days for you to have an absolutely profound breakthrough in your relationship to yourself by simply adding a high five in the mirror once a morning to your morning routine after you brush your teeth. And at the end of this episode, I want you to stick around because you are gonna hear one of the most profound testimonials ever about the impact that one high five made on a woman's life named Chris. You're gonna need to bring the Kleenex because this is so goosebump empowering and encouraging and exciting. I'm not kidding. This is profound, profound, profound, and I know that you struggle with self-love, because none of us know how to do it. I get questions on this every single freaking day.

3. 3:40 – 4:12

   Maria’s Question: How do I love myself?

   1. MRMel Robbins3:40

      How do I love myself? I know I need to love myself, Mel. Like this one from Maria.

   2. MSMaria (listener from Spain)3:45

      Hi, Mel. This is Maria from Spain. Can you explain how to learn to love yourself? I know I need to love myself as a part of my self-growth, but no one tells you how to do that. I'm curious, is there something I can do about that?

   3. MRMel Robbins4:01

      I love this question, because she's right. We all know we need to love ourselves, but how the hell do you do that when nobody has taught you how? I think the main reason why this concept

4. 4:12 – 5:02

   Why Self-love is so hard

   1. MRMel Robbins4:12

      of self-love is so hard to implement in our lives is because of the definition of love. If you look in the dictionary, love is defined as a feeling, but that's not what it is. Love is an action. And let's just take an example from your life. When you feel loved by somebody else, it's because of how they treat you, it's because of what they say to you. Like, for example, when Chris brings me a cup of coffee in the morning, I feel loved because of that action. When he says, "I love you, Mel," I feel loved because of the action of speaking those words. But when it comes to loving ourselves, we're sitting around waiting for the feeling, and yet we're not recognizing the truth about love. You feel loved by other people when they demonstrate it through actions. The secret to self-love

5. 5:02 – 5:44

   The secret of self-love

   1. MRMel Robbins5:02

      is demonstrating to yourself through your own actions toward yourself that you love yourself. And that's why the simple solution to having a breakthrough in loving yourself, the first domino that needs to fall, is something that I call the high five habit. This is a simple habit that I created that boiled down is simply adding a high five in the mirror to yourself to your morning routine. That's what the high five habit is. Now, one of the reasons why I love this habit is because it has so much research, and the habit's very simple. When

6. 5:44 – 9:03

   What the science says about why you should do this after brushing your teeth

   1. MRMel Robbins5:44

      you wake up tomorrow morning, get yourself out of bed, go into the bathroom, brush your teeth, and then after you brush your teeth, you're gonna put your toothbrush down. And the reason why I want you to do it after you brush your teeth is because I wanna use some science called habit stacking. I want this to be part of your morning routine, what you're about to do, and so I want you to do it right after something that you do every morning, brushing your teeth. That way your brain will encode this high five habit even faster. And here comes the most important part.As you put the toothbrush down, you are gonna look in the mirror. This is the hardest part of the high five habit. You're gonna look in the mirror, and I don't want you to look through the person in the mirror, I want you to realize, there's a human being that's standing in the mirror there with you every morning in the bathroom, and you have either ignored them or you have looked at all of the things you don't like about that person, whether it's the weight that you've put on, or it's the bags under your eyes, or for me, it's one boob hanging lower than the other boob. You sit there and judge that person, or based on our research and studies, 50% of men and women cannot or will not look at themselves in the mirror. And the reason is so freaking sad. It's because they don't like the person they've become, or they have so many regrets in life, uh, about things that they did or the place that they thought that they would be that they can't and won't look at themselves in the mirror. And if you can't look at yourself in the mirror, let's just stop at that right there, because what do you do with somebody you love? What's the action when you see somebody you love? You look them in the eyes. That gaze, eye-to-eye, gives you a, a, a, not only dopamine, but the oxytocin that is in your brain. It is powerful. It's an act of love to really make eye contact and hold a gaze with love and compassion behind it. So if you can't do that and you're not doing that, you're every morning demonstrating, not love, you're demonstrating rejection and criticism. And so first step of the high five habit, you are going to put your toothbrush down, and you're gonna look at yourself in the eye. And it's gonna feel weird if you don't normally do this. And the next part of this is very simple. Whenever you feel ready, you're gonna raise your hand, and you're going to high five the person you see in the mirror. Now, one of two things will happen when you do this. And again, I have so much data on this, I know because we studied what happens. What's gonna happen when you go to high five the mirror, is you will either laugh out loud, and you'll laugh out loud because it's kinda dorky and funny. That's the fir, that's what I did the first time I, I high fived myself in the mirror. But you're also laughing because your brain recognizes a high five. And so one of the coolest things about high fiving yourself in the mirror is the science involved. It's called neurobics. You're using research in a field called neurobics,

7. 9:03 – 11:23

   Learn about neurobics and how it helps you learn a new habit faster.

   1. MRMel Robbins9:03

      which is when you marry a physical action with a new positive thought you wanna create. They've studied this at MIT. They've studied it all over the world. It is the fastest way to create new neuropathways and new thought patterns, to marry physical action, like a high five, with a new thought. And here's where the high five in the mirror gets really cool. So you're leveraging neurobics, all of this sort of physical activity plus neuroscience. You're also getting the benefit of the release of dopamine. You're also getting the benefit of the fact that your brain and your body knows what a high five is because you've been high fiving people your whole life, right? You've seen high fives in sports on television. You know exactly what a high five is. A high five is something that you give somebody, a physical action when you're cheering for them, when you're encouraging them. A high five is something that you give to somebody when you're proud of them. "Great shot. Good job on that test." And a high five is also something that you give to another human being whenever they need encouragement. So think about like standing on the side of a road race, you don't cross your arms and scowl at people. You high five people and cheer for them because you're trying to say, "I see you. I see that this race is hard. Keep going. You got this." If you're on a sports team and you blow a play when you come to the huddle, a high five from a coach or a teammate says, "Shake it off. I believe in you. Now, get back in the game." And so what's so cool about this high five habit to yourself in the mirror is that a lifetime of positive programming neurologically already in your brain gets aimed right back at your reflection. And so you are physically demonstrating with this simple habit in less than five seconds every single morning that you, yes you, you take actions that show that you believe in, you love, and you encourage the person in the mirror. Now, another reason why I love this habit is you don't have to think anything. All of the wiring that is already in your brain and in your nervous system, it does the work for you silently. As I mentioned, there is so much research, and we're gonna just put just dozens and dozens and dozens of studies, but I wanna also point out that there are two studies that are really important. Um, one of them was done with the

8. 11:23 – 14:20

   Two impactful studies that support the power of this habit

   1. MRMel Robbins11:23

      NBA, and I'm just gonna cut to the chase on this study. They wanted to know if there were any habits that winning teams had that the losing teams in the NBA didn't have in the preseason. And it turned out after crunching all the data, and this has been verified by the Wall Street Journal too beyond the study that these scientists did, that the top four teams in the NBA, in fact, do have a habit in the preseason that the losing teams do not. You wanna know what that habit is? You guessed it. They have more high fives, fist bumps, pats on the back in the preseason among team members than any of the other teams. Why? Well, because a high five isn't just an action and a physical gesture that means nothing. A high five actually says, "I am with you." It builds trust, it builds partnership, it builds belief, and you can build that back in yourself by adding the high five in the mirror every single morning, um, as part of your morning routine.There was another study done with kids where they made a bunch of kids take these math tests, and these researchers wanted to know what's the best way to encourage someone through a challenging moment. And they found that it wasn't words of encouragement like, "Hey, you're a great student." It wasn't the growth mindset words like, "Hey, really admire how hard you're working." You want to know the single best way to motivate kids to do something challenging? It's to say nothing and to give them a high five. This was so profound that the researchers, and we'll link to the study, changed the name of the study to include the surprising power of a high five, the surprising motivational power of a high five. That's how exciting this is, and I think you can hear this because I stumbled onto this by mistake. I started high-fiving myself right after I had gotten fired basically from hosting my own talk show and I needed to give myself like a pick-me-up, and I just instinctually one morning raised my hand and high-fived the mirror. And the immediate effect that I felt of the dopamine in my mind and the boost in my mood and this sense of, okay, I got it, I can do this, I can face this, having my own back, demonstrating it to myself during a really low moment, it was the beginning, that first domino that fell, of an entirely new relationship with myself. It's what led me to get into intensive therapy and to start getting serious about my happiness. And I think you know, everything comes back to you and the relationship that you have with yourself. And so we're going to go deep on this because the relationship that you have with yourself is the single most important thing in the world, and in addition to sharing this research and this simple habit with you, I want to unpack some of the things that people experience when they do it,

9. 14:20 – 16:23

   Teresa’s Question: How do I stop beating myself up over my past mistakes?

   1. MRMel Robbins14:20

      because I've had so many questions about this, like this one from Theresa. How do I stop beating myself up and forgive myself for my past mistakes? I can't believe how many years you waste beating yourself up for past mistakes, and the reason why we do that is we don't know how to forgive ourselves because we don't know how to accept ourselves. We don't know how to accept the failures, the regrets, the disappointments. We don't know how to accept, we don't know how to love ourselves through it, and that's where, honest to God, this simple habit of demonstrating it every morning in the mirror as part of your morning routine changes everything. And we got to take a short break for our sponsors, but don't you dare go anywhere because I have so much to share with you and I'm gonna invite my husband, Chris, to come and join us, because when I first shared this high five habit thing that I had discovered a couple of years ago with him, when I first stumbled into doing it for myself, he thought it was the stupidest thing he had ever heard, and of course, because I'm relentless and annoying, I was like, "But you got to do it for five days. You got to try it, you got to try." And what happened when he tried it for five days was both life changing, profound, and it was heartbreaking for me to hear as a spouse just how much my husband was struggling, and how the simple assignment of looking yourself in the eyes was impossible for him to do at that time. Stay with us. Welcome back.

   2. CRChris Robbins16:09

      Nice energy.

   3. MRMel Robbins16:10

      Yeah, good energy. So I'm back with my husband, Chris.

   4. CRChris Robbins16:15

      Hi, Mel.

   5. MRMel Robbins16:16

      Hi, Chris.

   6. CRChris Robbins16:17

      Thanks for having me.

   7. MRMel Robbins16:18

      Of course. And I was just sharing with everybody that

10. 16:23 – 25:25

    Why my husband, Chris, thought this habit was ridiculous at first and the profound insight Chris had when he tried the 5-day challenge

    1. MRMel Robbins16:23

       when I first stumbled upon this high five habit and I started doing it, and then I asked you if you would try it for five days, do you remember that?

    2. CRChris Robbins16:32

       Definitely, and I said, "NFW."

    3. MRMel Robbins16:37

       (laughs) Well, you did have a very deliberate, "I'm not doing that."

    4. CRChris Robbins16:44

       Yeah, I-I immediately thought it was the dumbest idea ever. I found it ludicrous, quite honestly. (laughs) "Let's go to the mirror. Let's high five ourselves and this is going to solve all problems." (laughs)

    5. MRMel Robbins16:58

       (laughs) Well, I don't... I'm not saying it's going to solve all problems, but I know based on the research and I know based on the testimonials of 175,000 people and the testimonials that roll in every single freaking day that are so profound, that when you take on this habit, it has a shocking impact on your brain and how you see yourself in the person in the mirror, and that kicks open a door to an entirely new set of habits and an entirely new possibility. And, you know, we're laughing, but when I kept pushing you 'cause I'm like, "Dude, you're my husband. I need you to try this. I want you to take the high five challenge. I want you to do this for five days," you shared with me something that I didn't know and the real reason why you thought this was stupid, when you dug a little deeper, it was really sad, and honestly, it was scary to hear as your spouse. So would you share with everybody sort of the deeper insight as to why you kind of had that reaction?

    6. CRChris Robbins18:12

       I think at the time, I related to the idea of a high five to myself as being encouragement, like looking forward. The, the, the idea that you would high five yourself to...... uh, inspire forward action. And yet, I find that the power of that high five in the mirror is less your hand meeting the mirror and more your eyes meeting your eyes. And that's where the struggle was. (crying) Because when I took that challenge on, I remember really, um, the high five was easy, but looking at myself in the mirror, that was not easy.

    7. MRMel Robbins19:20

       Why? Can I hold your hand?

    8. CRChris Robbins19:26

       (laughs) I think it was not easy because there was so much reflection on the past, you know? I was looking back. I was not, um, I was not seeing somebody that deserved a high five. I saw failure, I saw upset, I saw, uh, just not living up to the expectation that I think I had set for myself. Um, and I'm sure that society's expectations were also influencing that, but just where I was at the time, um, I, I didn't f- I didn't feel like I deserved that high five. So, I, I think that that was probably the, the underlying reason why my reaction to the idea of doing it was, "This is stupid." When the truth is that I was, I was, I was not happy with myself and didn't think, uh, a, a, a high five was, was deserved.

    9. MRMel Robbins20:45

       (exhales) It's really hard to hear how long you felt that way about yourself. 'Cause I, I stood next to you for years, the sink right next to you, and when I looked at you, like I saw the world's best dad, amazing husband. I saw somebody who was absolutely integral to helping me build my business. I felt grateful for you. I didn't know you thought any of those things. Y- you just kinda put on a smile and carried on. You were so sorta stoic about it. So, can you explain, 'cause I think that there's a lot of people, especially men, that really beat the hell out of themselves when their career doesn't go how they thought it was gonna go, or they get laid off, or, you know, you become an entrepreneur and entrepreneurship looks fucking g- glamorous. It's a bitch, especially in the restaurant business. And you had been an entrepreneur, so can you just share just a little bit of context for people so they understand like how long you would look in the mirror and see somebody that failed and why you felt that way?

    10. CRChris Robbins22:14

        Oh, it had to have been 15 years, anyway.

    11. MRMel Robbins22:17

        15 years?

    12. CRChris Robbins22:18

        Oh, yeah. No, I don't think it was, I don't think it was just the, the unraveling of the restaurant business that was the beginning of that. I think that it... I'm not sure exactly when, but I, as you and I know, like the, looking back on my very colorful career, I am grateful today for all of the things that I did. But having moved through so many different roles and responsibilities and industries and companies and-

    13. MRMel Robbins22:52

        Job changes.

    14. CRChris Robbins22:52

        ... job changes. And I just never, ever related to myself like I was succeeding in a professional sense.

    15. MRMel Robbins23:02

        Mm-hmm.

    16. CRChris Robbins23:02

        And I, of course, concluded that therein lies the source of my failure because my job here is to be the provider, the proverbial provider and to go, uh, quote, "Make it happen." And so, the, so the, the discomfort with myself and my progress professionally w- was absolutely what I think dragged me down.

    17. MRMel Robbins23:32

        Mm-hmm.

    18. CRChris Robbins23:33

        And yeah, the... (sighs) Being an entrepreneur can seem glamorous. I would say that at the time when this whole thing and the high five challenge or the, the book came out, you and I were, we were in the throws of it. I mean, we were, talk about just getting up and putting on your boots and just diving into the fire every day, there wasn't, at least just didn't seem like there was a moment to actually stop and acknowledge the good. And quite frankly, you weren't acknowledging me like that. You might've seen me as a good husband or father or, you know, business partner, but those words weren't being shared between us. And so, naturally, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't get that reinforcement verbally from you.

    19. MRMel Robbins24:30

        Mm-hmm.

    20. CRChris Robbins24:31

        And-But I also think that the being in the thick of it and running as fast and as hard as we were didn't, uh, you know, the idea of stopping and looking in the mirror and seeing myself truly for who I am and the good that I have done and acknowledging all the failures as being a source of powerful learning and all that stuff, fuck that. Like I wasn't-

    21. MRMel Robbins25:00

        (laughs)

    22. CRChris Robbins25:00

        ... I wasn't... And that's why I say, I think the hardest part was to s- to stand in front of that mirror and see your whole self.

11. 25:25 – 33:32

    Why you’re going to want to share this with the men in your life

    1. CRChris Robbins25:26

       And for guys, I think for guys, that is, for many, borderline feels impossible because that's what we do. We just get up, put the boots on and go, okay, you know, Mel needs something, the wife needs something, the kids need something, the, the employer needs something.

    2. MRMel Robbins25:47

       The dogs.

    3. CRChris Robbins25:47

       Okay, okay, let me jam in a quick workout, you know, maybe because, maybe I'm thoughtful about what my mind, body, or spirit needs, but also something that I think is an afterthought for guys and we put everybody but ourselves first. So the act of standing in front of a mirror and high-fiving yourself and looking yourself in the eyes and saying, "I love you," outlandish concept, but hugely, hugely important. And it doesn't happen unless you're sort of willing to really stop and slow down (laughs) and, and consider that you, you matter more than your wife, your kids, your (laughs) employer, the rest of it. And I think that's part of what has, I think maybe over the years, dragged me down, was paying zero attention to me.

    4. MRMel Robbins26:48

       Mm-hmm.

    5. CRChris Robbins26:50

       And paying all the attention, or so I felt, on everybody outside of me.

    6. MRMel Robbins26:56

       And providing, and trying to prove that you were successful, and trying to earn money, and live up to also your dad's expectations.

    7. CRChris Robbins27:04

       Yeah, well, that's... I mean, if you really want to go back to the root of it all, we could be here all day.

    8. MRMel Robbins27:09

       (laughs)

    9. CRChris Robbins27:09

       But yes, certainly growing up with a father that did what he did and accomplished what he accomplished, and even, even just the basics of putting on a suit and tie and packing a briefcase and catching a train and working in a sky rise, you know, a high-rise in Manhattan. All of those things were just visual cues of what I thought I should be doing. None of which, of course, played out other than the occasional suit until (laughs) until ties and the rest of it flew out the window. But just I wasn't, I wasn't being like my dad, which is what I thought I was supposed to be doing.

    10. MRMel Robbins27:51

        Mm-hmm. So you get really emotional when you talk about looking at yourself in the mirror and I want to hear you talk more about that because I know that it's a bunch of things that come up for you, because you're not in that place that you were in where you look in the mirror and see a failure and you don't believe those things about yourself. And the challenge of simply standing in the mirror and looking in the eyes, I agree with you, that's the hardest part of adding this habit to your morning routine. Just put the toothbrush down and be with the person in the mirror. Look them in the eyes and don't see a reflection, see a human being who needs you, that half of men and women can't or won't look at themselves and...

    11. CRChris Robbins28:54

        And it's a good point 'cause you can, uh, it sounds weird, but you can look right through yourself in the mirror...

    12. MRMel Robbins29:01

        Yes.

    13. CRChris Robbins29:02

        ... versus actually seeing yourself.

    14. MRMel Robbins29:04

        Yes. And if you aren't looking through yourself, a lot of us look at all the things we don't like.

    15. CRChris Robbins29:11

        Mm-hmm.

    16. MRMel Robbins29:11

        And so even gazing at ourselves is an act of self-criticism 'cause we're like, "I hate my this, I hate my that, my, you know, neck is saggy." And, um, you know, you have since done tremendous amount of therapy. You and I have done the psychedelic supervised therapies. You are in the middle of getting your master's in spiritual transpersonal psychology. You are getting your, uh, training to be a death doula and to sit with people at the end of their life. And you have also started a men's retreat called Soul Degree, and you've been leading retreats with men for four years, Chris. And there's a lot of emotion that comes up for you-

    17. CRChris Robbins29:58

        Six.

    18. MRMel Robbins29:58

        ... six years, sorry, six years.

    19. CRChris Robbins30:00

        (laughs)

    20. MRMel Robbins30:00

        Terrible wife.

    21. CRChris Robbins30:03

        (laughs)

    22. MRMel Robbins30:03

        Can I get a high five?

    23. CRChris Robbins30:04

        (laughs)

    24. MRMel Robbins30:04

        Cheer me on even though... Thank you. Don't let go of my hand.

    25. CRChris Robbins30:08

        (laughs)

    26. MRMel Robbins30:08

        I don't want to hold your hand. Um, you have been in the presence of so many men, and you've even had Oakley reach out to you and had you counsel some of his friends through anxiety and through issues. And I know there's a lot of em- emotion there. So, you know, can you like just speak to the men and the boys that may be listening or to the people in their lives that love them about what you've witnessed about...... you know, the kind of coaching that you lead, the meditation circles that you lead. Not, like from, from what you want people to know about the importance of being able to look yourself in the mirror and learn how to take actions to truly support and love yourself, and that this is a very foreign concept for boys and men.

    27. CRChris Robbins31:11

        Yeah, I think that the, uh, I mean, I often talked about, talk about Soul Degree as being a space that I hold for men that allows them to slow down when the truth of the matter is, it's in the slowdown that all of those beautiful things can take place. And I, I think that the, the reason why there's a lot of emotion there for me, particularly with guys, is that, and I, and I speak to all the partners and the spouses, the people that have sons and fathers and m- male counterparts is that-

    28. MRMel Robbins31:57

        Brothers.

    29. CRChris Robbins32:02

        Yes, it is the responsibility of the individual to be able to look in the mirror and see the whole person, foibles and all, but why there is a lot of emotion is because in my experience in sitting with men, very rarely do men feel truly seen and heard.

    30. MRMel Robbins32:33

        Hmm.
12. 33:32 – 41:11

    The power of implementing this simple yet profound of habit

    1. MRMel Robbins33:32

       started to see the person in the mirror?

    2. CRChris Robbins33:35

       Well, transformation doesn't happen without repetition.

    3. MRMel Robbins33:39

       Mm-hmm.

    4. CRChris Robbins33:40

       And I think at one point, I don't know if, I don't remember if this is in the book, but the idea that there's so many mirrors out there in the world. (laughs) I mean, you come across a mirror a dozen times a day potentially.

    5. MRMel Robbins33:58

       Yeah.

    6. CRChris Robbins34:00

       And I tried that during the challenge, was just it wasn't just brush teeth in the morning one time. It was whenever I saw a mirror. And I think that that, that's critically important because this, this high five thing, th- this idea, it's not, I know you call it The High Five Habit, but it's one of those things that doesn't, it almost feels elusive in terms of becoming habitual. And that's because next week or next year, some shit might go down-

    7. MRMel Robbins34:40

       Right.

    8. CRChris Robbins34:40

       ... and you might do something or something happens where you really feel subs- immediately lousy about yourself.

    9. MRMel Robbins34:47

       Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

    10. CRChris Robbins34:47

        And so even though there may be some habit of you getting up saying, "I love you," or high-fiving yourself, your life circumstance is going to get in the way-

    11. MRMel Robbins34:56

        Right.

    12. CRChris Robbins34:56

        ... frequently.

    13. MRMel Robbins34:57

        Correct. Just like with exercise or drinking your water or getting a good night's sleep. But when you come back to that mo- moment, because for me personally, it's a moment of joining in with myself. It's a moment of partnership with myself. And you used to coach almost all the, you know, teams that our kids played on when they were little, uh, you know, when they're really little. And as a coach, like if you think about when you high five a kid, it's either to congratulate them for something that they did or it's to help them shake something off and know that there's somebody that believes in them and to get back out there into the game. And for me, whether it's the high five I give myself in the morning after I brush my teeth and the moment I take to look at myself in the mirror, or like you said, I don't always high five myself throughout the day when I see a mirror, but I'll tell you something, I look at myself differently. And I know you do too. And so the importance of this, because it is something that most of us don't do, I think we casually slip into the subconscious where we're beating ourselves up and we're on autopilot. And every time you pass a mirror, you have a chance to look yourself in the eyes and see a person that is worthy of celebrating, of cheering for, of believing in simply because you're here. That to me is the power of this. What is the power of it for you?

    14. CRChris Robbins36:40

        I s- I'm still a little steeped in...... acknowledging that, yes, I'm here, but not, like, here physically and how great this is that I'm alive and breathing. Yes, that's all amazing, but when I look in the mirror, it's, what I see is... Uh, I see... I, I guess I can see the age and the wisdom and the learning more. I- i- i- that I, I'm more grateful for that, for having been through what I've been through. And so, the looking in the mirror and the acknowledging of myself, it's rarely like, "Okay, you got this."

    15. MRMel Robbins37:37

        (laughs)

    16. CRChris Robbins37:37

        You know, "All right, your next meeting or your next whatever, okay?"

    17. MRMel Robbins37:40

        Maybe it should be.

    18. CRChris Robbins37:42

        Maybe. But I, like I said, I'm, I, I look forward less than I do look back.

    19. MRMel Robbins37:51

        Great.

    20. CRChris Robbins37:51

        And today, in the look back, there's more gratitude and appreciation and a willingness to high five those elements of me which, for so many years, I hated.

    21. MRMel Robbins38:09

        When you look in the mirror, can you describe the person you see today?

    22. CRChris Robbins38:21

        I see a man for who he is. And I see a man with different, but the same number of battle scars that every other man, I think, has in the sense of what I've been through, what's worked, what hasn't worked. I see a man who's worked his ass off, but not necessarily with the right mindset or for the right reasons.

    23. MRMel Robbins39:06

        Mm.

    24. CRChris Robbins39:07

        Like, if there's regret, it's probably, that's probably the area to, to dig in for me, is just being able to completely release that. Yeah, I, whatever, I made that choice for, for that reason at that time with the tools that I had.

    25. MRMel Robbins39:24

        Right.

    26. CRChris Robbins39:24

        And that's all I knew. And so, I see today, looking in the mirror, somebody that is accepting of those decisions and choices that I made, and even acknowledging the pain and the struggle that I was also blind to.

    27. MRMel Robbins39:46

        Mm.

    28. CRChris Robbins39:46

        I mean, the idea of d- d- sort of coming to terms with having battled depression, I think I was oblivious to that for many years without... Just didn't even occur to me. That might've been part of the resistance too, to... I mean, if you're battling resi- (laughs) if you're battling depression, a high five in the mirror definitely feels like the last thing in the world you would ever pursue. Uh...

    29. MRMel Robbins40:22

        But it's something that you should.

    30. CRChris Robbins40:25

        Oh, without a doubt. I see a man I love. I see a man I'm proud of. I see a great father, and I see a great partner to you.
13. 41:11 – 42:54

    What Chris has to say to all the men out there

    1. MRMel Robbins41:11

    2. CRChris Robbins41:11

       I think one last thing I wanna say to the men out there, any man who feels a sense of failure or that they haven't lived up to their own expectations or those outside of them, any man who's been battling with or has battled with addiction or depression or any of these things that drag us down-

    3. MRMel Robbins41:43

       Mm.

    4. CRChris Robbins41:44

       ... I strongly encourage you to start with you, and to begin with forgiveness. Not always so easy, but without a doubt, I know from my experience, not just me personally, but being in the company of lots of men, that we are all working our ass off to do the right thing. And while we don't always believe that the results live up, uh, it's in the forgiveness and the starting with yourself and the self-acknowledgement.

    5. MRMel Robbins42:41

       And I wanna go back to what you said in the very beginning.'Cause I know that we're going to get a ton of questions, Chris. Wow, how do I begin that? One

14. 42:54 – 45:34

    One step you can take today to start loving yourself

    1. MRMel Robbins42:54

       step that you could take today is trying this habit of even just looking yourself in the mirror.

    2. CRChris Robbins43:05

       Ah, I- I'm shocked that I'm even saying this. (laughs) Given my initial reaction to the high five habit. But I agree, start right there, start in the mirror.

    3. MRMel Robbins43:20

       Because if you change the story you're telling yourself about the person you see in the mirror, if you change the actions that you take in how you treat the human being in the mirror, if you change what you're thinking when you look in the eyes of the person in the mirror, that is the beginning of forgiving yourself. Like, you will never forgive yourself if you w- if you refuse to look yourself in the eyes with compassion and with forgiveness and with understanding. And one of the reasons why I'm, I'm going to keep hammering this everybody, raise your hand and high five the mirror. Because if you're at a place where you are beating the shit out of yourself and you can't stand yourself for whatever reason, whatever you did, we've all done something, you don't have to change your thoughts. The neurobics and the science of simply making the physical gesture of the high five, Chris, and all of the lifetime of positive programming associated with it, it has a chemical, a neurological, a psychological benefit immediately that is grounded in science. And so the physical act does the work for you and it starts to plow new neural pathways and it releases dopamine, all of which will help you do the other work that you need to do to walk down the road of forgiving yourself. But if y- you got to start by simply looking at yourself in the eyes and seeing somebody who is worthy of forgiving because you are.

    4. CRChris Robbins45:15

       Yeah, I- I can't stress that enough. You could, you could forgive yourself all day long walking down the sidewalk, but it, that's a, that's a futile exercise. The mirror is where it happens and seeing yourself.

    5. MRMel Robbins45:32

       Hmm. It's one

15. 45:34 – 50:19

    Why I sign off every letter and every episode the way I do

    1. MRMel Robbins45:34

       of the reasons why I always sign off the show by telling the person listening that I love you.

    2. CRChris Robbins45:41

       I love that about how you sign off, and I know you mean it.

    3. MRMel Robbins45:45

       I do mean it because, um, I just know how many people can't look at themselves in the mirror, like it's just so sad. And I know how much self-judgment we all live with because I've lived with it. I was... I even learned that it's been 15 years today that you really struggled with loving yourself. And it breaks my heart and it, it, it feels good to have somebody tell you that they love you and that you're proud of them. And, uh, to some extent, unless you're willing to do the work on yourself to let love in from yourself, to demonstrate encouragement, support and love by looking at your eyes in the mirror or high-fiving yourself in the mirror, if you can't do that for yourself, you will never let the love in that is all around you from other people, 'cause you don't believe you're worthy of it and you're proving it based on your actions. What are you thinking about? 'Cause I can see you getting moved.

    4. CRChris Robbins46:52

       Well, um, I'm always moved by the way that you sign off and tell people, "I, I love you." And it, it ties back to what I was saying earlier, is just my own experience in being in the company of men who don't, you know, they don't feel that.

    5. MRMel Robbins47:07

       Hmm.

    6. CRChris Robbins47:07

       Uh, and I guess since a lot of what I've been talking about is directed towards the guys, I would leave you with one last thought. And that is, that while you're standing in front of that mirror and you're looking at yourself, you may feel alone, but you are not alone. In either the struggle you have with forgiving yourself or the judgments or the failures or whatever that may be, you are not alone.

    7. MRMel Robbins47:50

       At a really wild level, there's actually a human being in the mirror who needs you. It's the one person you spend your whole life with. And the moment that you can look them in the eyes and see a human being worth caring for, you'll realize you aren't alone 'cause you've got yourself. You know, I want to thank you, Chris. And thank you for speaking directly to men because, you know, everything that you're saying is universal. And I do think it's important though for men and boys and people who identify as male, that you hear a male voice saying these things. It is critical that other men realize that your emotional health, your sense of self-esteem, self-awareness, self-love. And going back to the very beginning of what I said at the beginning of, uh, this episode today, is that I think we get self-love wrong, Chris, because we think love is a feeling.But the truth is, you only feel loved because of other people's actions. And when it comes to learning to love yourself, you have to start with the actions, actions that demonstrate love. And when you are able to stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes, that's an act of love. When you're able to bring compassion and understanding to the person in the mirror and you see somebody that's trying, and you see somebody that has regrets, and you see somebody who still has an incredible life to live and is worthy of love, that's an act of love. When you raise your hand and high five yourself and the human being in the mirror, that's an act of love. And so, I love what you said, because so many of us know and wish that we felt better about ourselves. We wish we would stop beating the shit out of ourselves. We wish that we weren't in our own way. And all the research also shows that the most important habit that has the biggest impact on our lives is being kind to yourself. It's in the actions, everybody. And so, I just love that you shared all that, and I love that you're here, and I love you. And I want to share one more story from a woman named Chris. And

16. 50:19 – 59:19

    Listener Story

    1. MRMel Robbins50:19

       her story says it all about how you are literally one decision away from a different life, because when you change the way you see and treat the person you see in the mirror, a whole new life opens up for you, like it did for Chris.

    2. ELEmail writer / listener50:38

       Hey, Mel. I'm not sure where to start with this email, but I'm going to start with saying thank you. You've helped me gain my identity and life back. Buckle up. It's a long email. My name is Chris. I'm 35 and from the United States. Back in 2019, my life was falling apart at the seams but quietly. I was doing the best I could to manage with the tiny amount of tools I had, but starting in 2020 through the beginning of 2021 were the worst times of my life to date. All that I had worked for in my life and sacrificed to build, the life that I always had dreamt and wanted was ripped from me, and there was nothing, Mel, literally nothing I could do to stop it. And then, I went AWOL. I went from being a confident, fit, happy, joyful, positive, and full of faith wife, friend, sister, and daughter to something unspeakable. I adopted unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb my emotions. I got lost in TikTok, wasting hours of my life. But it was my coping mechanism at the time. I was bitter, angry, broken-hearted, and crushed at spirit. I started getting stuck in what I now know is rumination, and the pounds stacked on one after another, along with the shame, guilt, and disgust. At some point, I didn't know what weighed more, the shame and guilt or the literal 35 pounds that I put on. The spaces I once felt safe and fulfilled in were no longer safe, because my mind, my anxiety mind, she came with me everywhere. Her name's Patrice. I named her. And she wanted to make sure I knew how horrible I was in every moment of the day. "How could you make mistakes? You deserve this hurt. You're a disgusting person. You really don't have friends. No one really likes you. They just use you and leave." And on and on this went. I couldn't even look in the mirror. At some point, the panic attacks started. I'm talking full-blown, intense attacks where I shake, rock back and forth, and smack myself. I would keep these attacks away from my family. And Mel, at this point, my brain told me, "No one loves you. No one. So, you might as well not be here anymore." And it was so loud all the time. There was no reprieve until at night when I would open a bottle of wine and have some at dinner. And even in my sleep, I would wake in panic attacks. On my way to work one day, I thought, while trying to suppress an attack I could feel coming on, "I can't keep living like this. I hate the person I see back in the mirror, and all I see is the damaged person and the damage that's been done to me over this last year." I started to pull out my phone to see if I could find something to help. And what did I find? A podcast, but it wasn't yours, but one you were being interviewed on, and it changed my life. I was in the middle of cleaning a glass slider door and you said, "Go look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five." I stopped everything. I walked into the house and looked into a huge round mirror on my client's wall, and just started to stare at myself while I listened to you speak. I raised my hand and high-fived myself, and the tears came rolling down. And in that moment, a new life began. The spark was small but profound. I have read and listened to everything I could get my hands on that you have published or put out into this universe. I have re-listened to The High Five Habit at least four times, and also had to go out and get a physical copy. And the Here's Exactly What You Need To Do series has had countless listens on my phone. When a subject seems to come up that I get fixated on and I start being my old self, I pop on an episode from you and my body would instantly calm. My healing journey started in December of 2021. I got myself into therapy. I've been doing tons of research on anxiety, depression, trauma, ADHD, and PTSD so I can understand what is happening in my brain, and in hopes to help others in my community learn to cope and be their better selves.This also helps me to distance myself from my anxiety brain and recognize I am not that thought. I am a person experiencing the side, side effects of my traumas or ADHD or PTSD. But Mel, I wouldn't be here today writing this email had I not stumbled upon you and all the good you put into this world. Although now, I think (laughs) after listening to your episode on synchronicities, it wasn't by chance on that day that I first met you. I was done and I had no more fight in me and was ready to call it quits. But today, I can say I'm a different person and I'm me again. And I owe a lot of that to my big sis, Mel Robbins. And if anyone hasn't told you today, Mel, I love you and I believe in you. P.S., I've been manifesting for over a year that you would put out a podcast. I am so glad you're doing one. I'm sure it's a huge undertaking, but thank you for all that you do.

    3. MRMel Robbins56:06

       Aah. Um, whoo. I don't know what to say other than, um...

    4. CRChris Robbins56:18

       It's beautiful.

    5. MRMel Robbins56:20

       Um...

    6. CRChris Robbins56:23

       Says a lot about the impact you're making.

    7. MRMel Robbins56:26

       You know, I, um, I just know how long I struggled.

    8. CRChris Robbins56:31

       (clears throat)

    9. MRMel Robbins56:31

       And so if you can learn how to get out of bed, five, four, three, two, one, and get your feet on the floor and stand up and get going, you can keep going. And if you can stand in front of the mirror no matter what's happened or what you're feeling or what's going on, good or bad, and you can look yourself in the eyes and you can see a person who is worthy of love, who is doing their best, who needs your support, who's tired of feeling beaten down and you can raise your hand and you can give that person a simple high five to demonstrate that you've got their back, that you see them, that you love them, that you're there with them, and send yourself into the day, whatever that day may hold, knowing that no matter what, you see a person in the mirror that can figure it out, that has your forgiveness and that you love, I personally think that's the secret to everything.

    10. CRChris Robbins57:49

        I love you.

    11. MRMel Robbins57:50

        Oh, I love you too.

    12. CRChris Robbins57:52

        That's what I wanna say.

    13. MRMel Robbins57:53

        Oh, I love you too, Chris. And I wanna say I love you. I know we haven't met. That doesn't change the fact that I love you and that I believe in you, and that I believe in your ability to change your life and to change how you see yourself. And your emails and your voice memos and the things that you're sharing me like Chris just did, this is why I feel this way, because of you and your stories. And I appreciate how much acknowledgement that you throw in my direction, but please don't ever forget that it's the person in the mirror who's doing the work. It all starts with you. (instrumental music) Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Mwah.

Episode duration: 59:19