The One Tool to Transform Your Relationships: The Let Them Theory

1. 0:00 – 2:14

   Introduction

   1. SRSawyer Robbins0:00

      (instrumental music plays) I knew I always wanted to be closer with you, and if I think back to before working together, our relationship, it was not horrible, but I don't think it was great.

   2. MRMel Robbins0:12

      There was something underneath the surface that made it not so great, and what was that for you?

   3. SRSawyer Robbins0:19

      You were never home. When you came home, all you did was talk about work.

   4. MRMel Robbins0:24

      Mm.

   5. SRSawyer Robbins0:25

      It was like all I wanted was your attention, and I felt like it was going everywhere but me.

   6. MRMel Robbins0:32

      Really?

   7. SRSawyer Robbins0:33

      Yeah.

   8. MRMel Robbins0:35

      I- It definitely was, and I'm sorry. (instrumental music plays) I was consumed with work because I was so scared about the amount of debt we were in. Me showing up in a way that makes you feel seen, me showing up in a way that makes you feel like you're a priority, me showing up in a way where I'm actually emotionally calm and I'm not tantruming or taking my stress out on all of you, that was something I didn't do, and so I did not provide you with what you needed. I- I fully own that. (instrumental music plays) The relationship is a lot like a tug-of-war. You each pick up the rope, you hook it to the U-Haul, and now you're pulling each other with all the baggage in the way. The fastest way to win the tug-of-war is to actually just drop the rope. Don't play. Let them. Let them tug. Don't tug back.

   9. SRSawyer Robbins1:29

      Every single time that I was mad at you, I was tugging. Whenever we used to argue in the past, it would be both of us tug-of-warring.

   10. MRMel Robbins1:38

       Mm-hmm.

   11. SRSawyer Robbins1:38

       I think what ended up happening is I would start to tug and you would drop the rope and I would fall down. And I think that what is so beautiful about the let them theory is you actually can't play the game of tug-of-war when one person isn't playing.

   12. MRMel Robbins1:53

       It takes two. Let them. (clock ticks) (instrumental music plays) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such an honor to spend time and be together with you. I am so excited that you hit play today, that you're here for this conversation. This one is gonna be amazing,

2. 2:14 – 7:34

   How to unlock the power of Let Them to create stronger relationships

   1. MRMel Robbins2:14

      and the reason why is I'm sitting down with my oldest daughter. Her name is Sawyer. She's 25 years old, and we have just spent the last year writing the Let Them Theory book together. And the process of not only learning about the let them theory and writing this book together, it has healed our relationship, and this is going to be one of those conversations that I know is going to be deeply personal. You're gonna see yourself in everything that we're talking about, and you're gonna leave not only with a deeper understanding of the let them theory, which is this mindset tool that I discovered, I don't know, about two years ago, that really helps you understand what's in your control and what's not in your control. And it helps you to focus on what you are in control of, which is what you think, say, or do, and to just let other people be. Let them live their lives, let them have their opinions, and really focus on your response. And a funny thing happens when you start to implement the let them theory in your life. When you start to say, "Let them," and you let people be themselves, you create space for change and transformation. Like, it's kinda crazy. The more you stop trying to control everybody else, the more control you gain. The more you let other people be themselves, the better your relationships become. And what I'm going to do today with you is I'm inviting you to sit down with me and my daughter, and we're going to unpack our mother-daughter relationship. And I promise you, you're gonna see yourself, you're gonna see yourself with your siblings, you may see yourself with your parents, you may see yourself with your adult kids, you will definitely see yourself with your significant other, whether you're married or dating or whatever, because the ultimate topic that we're talking about truly is that in most relationships, there's this invisible distance between you and another person. It's sort of this space that gets created over time with the people that you've known the longest or the people that you love the most or the people that you're related to, and it's this distance that gets created. It's like death by a thousand cuts. The small things that you try to let go, the passive-aggressive comments, the things that you feel kind of resentful or upset about that maybe happened in the past that you've never quite gotten over. It's not even that the relationship's horrible. You know, maybe it's that you really wish you were closer to your siblings, but there's just something there that you can't explain that makes it feel impossible to just feel closer, or maybe you wish there was just less drama and friction with your adult kids or with your parents or with their significant other, that there are times where it's fun, you really think things are okay, but you just can't quite get closer and have it be better all the time. And so in the process of working on the Let Them Theory book over the last year and using the let them theory, my daughter and I truly, deeply, authentically, for real, erased the distance and really became close in a way that we both really wanted to but never knew how.And so, I invite you to pull up a seat and to join me and my daughter, Sawyer. And before we jump in, I just wanna take a moment, too, and welcome you if you're brand new, because if you're listening to this episode as the first episode that you're listening to of the Mel Robbins Podcast, it tells me something about you. First of all, either somebody that really loves you and wants to either be closer to you or wants you to be closer to people in your life sent this to you, which means you have people around you that deeply care about you, and they wanted you to listen to this because they know that this conversation is going to help you improve your life and your relationships, and it will. The second thing it tells me is that you actually care about your relationships, because you saw this episode and you hit play. And so, my daughter and I are sitting down, and we are going to unpack the lessons that we've learned the hard way, so hopefully we can save you the headache, and heartache, and upset, and distance that we created in our relationship as mom and daughter, and you can learn from our mistakes, and you can learn from the things that we learned this year as we used The Let Them Theory, and as we wrote about it and researched it. And there's one thing I know for sure: You will never look at relationships the same again after joining me and my daughter,

3. 7:34 – 13:15

   Mel’s daughter Sawyer shares the key to healing their relationship

   1. MRMel Robbins7:34

      Sawyer. And with that... I just said your name very weird, Sawyer.

   2. SRSawyer Robbins7:38

      (laughs)

   3. MRMel Robbins7:38

      I don't know why I said it weird like that, but, um-

   4. SRSawyer Robbins7:40

      Sawyer.

   5. MRMel Robbins7:42

      ... Sawyer, Sawyer, Sawyer. Um, Sawyer, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

   6. SRSawyer Robbins7:45

      Thank you.

   7. MRMel Robbins7:45

      Thanks for sitting down with me.

   8. SRSawyer Robbins7:47

      Thanks, Mom.

   9. MRMel Robbins7:47

      And so I guess where we should start, uh, is we're gonna tell you a little bit about our relationship prior to the past year, where we've had this experience of working together on this project of writing and then releasing The Let Them Theory book. And it all happened by accident. None of this happened on purpose, and that's another really important thing, that at any moment, you can change the way your relationship feels. And as Sawyer and I are sharing with you our experiences and what our relationship used to feel like, I'm just gonna ask you to be thinking about the people in your life, whether it's a sister or brother, or it's an in-law, or it's a colleague at work, or it's a friend that, I don't know, it's... Like the way that I would describe our relationship, and then I'm gonna just throw it over to you almost like a professional roasting, Sawyer-

   10. SRSawyer Robbins8:45

       (laughs)

   11. MRMel Robbins8:45

       ... um, is that I desperately wanted to be closer to you, but I didn't know how to be.

   12. SRSawyer Robbins8:57

       (laughs)

   13. MRMel Robbins8:58

       Your turn. (laughs)

   14. SRSawyer Robbins9:02

       That's it? Okay, good setup. I think I always wanted to be... I knew I always wanted to be closer with you, and I think if I think back to before working together, our relationship, it wasn't horrible, I do have to preface. It was not horrible, but I don't think it was great.

   15. MRMel Robbins9:25

       I wanna dig in here, because I would put our relationship, Sawyer, you're 25.

   16. SRSawyer Robbins9:29

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins9:30

       You're the oldest of three. I'm 56. Compared to a lot of people's relationships, our relationship is great. We talk a lot, we respond to each other's texts, we love seeing each other, but there was something underneath the surface that made it not so great. And what was that for you? And please, like, just let me have it. Don't worry about my feelings. Just the more you can explain your experience as the daughter, I think the more powerful this conversation is gonna be for the person that is here with us right now.

   18. SRSawyer Robbins10:11

       Everything that I'm about to say I think was very unintentional on your part, but I think after a lot of therapy and just reflecting on myself, and I think especially working with you, I've recognized this since, but before, growing up, I always thought it was intentional. And so, I think a huge thing is the fact that you were never home, and you were always on the road, and then when you came home, all you did was talk about work.

   19. MRMel Robbins10:46

       Hmm.

   20. SRSawyer Robbins10:47

       And I think that, from my perspective as your kid, all I wanted you to do when you came home was, like, come to my games, and prioritize me, and give me attention, and it just felt like it wasn't there unless we were asking you about your work. And I think on a separate note, my sister, Kendall, she is younger than me sh- by 18 months. She is a phenomenal singer, and she is, uh, pursuing a career out in LA, and she grew up as a performer, and she grew up in the spotlight, and I think she is on the same track as you in being in the spotlight, and being out in the world, and people recognizing you, um, which is unbelievable. But I think I saw the both of you always relating on that-

   21. MRMel Robbins11:54

       Mm.

   22. SRSawyer Robbins11:54

       ... and feeling very jealous that I didn't have a natural talent that I could deliver, um, that would connect me to the two of you. So, I always saw you guys as...... on the other side of the room, and-

   23. MRMel Robbins12:09

       Mm-hmm.

   24. SRSawyer Robbins12:09

       ... all, her getting all the praise for all the singing and, which she deserves and is amazing, but at the same time, I was just like, "Oh, I can't relate to my mom or my sister."

   25. MRMel Robbins12:20

       Mm-hmm.

   26. SRSawyer Robbins12:20

       Like, I'm different. I don't have a natural ability. Every time I'm addressed, it's, "Oh, you're Kendall's sister. Oh, are you the singer?" Um, or, "Are you Mel Robbins' daughter? That's awesome." It's never like, "Oh, you're Sawyer? It's so nice to meet you." And so it was always, I was a product of you or Kendall. And I think that that really made me, I think, just resent you, honestly. And so instead of being really celebratory of your work and how much you worked and just you as a person, I think I saw it as all these fans, all these people out there who love my mom are taking my mom away from me.

   27. MRMel Robbins13:09

       Hmm.

   28. SRSawyer Robbins13:09

       And so therefore, I am not annoyed at all them. I'm annoyed

4. 13:15 – 19:49

   How to heal and rebuild a parent-child relationship

   1. SRSawyer Robbins13:15

      at her.

   2. MRMel Robbins13:16

      If you go back in time, though, and if you could explain even how this dynamic was in place before the level of kind of recognition that this podcast has brought, because it's a whole, in my experience, it's a whole different ball game in the past two years-

   3. SRSawyer Robbins13:41

      Mm-hmm.

   4. MRMel Robbins13:42

      ... than it was when we lived in Sherburne.

   5. SRSawyer Robbins13:44

      Mm-hmm.

   6. MRMel Robbins13:44

      And so could you share a little bit about your experience even in middle school and high school?

   7. SRSawyer Robbins13:51

      In high school and in middle school, you were on the road upwards of 200 days, uh, in the year. And I think as you were gone, I always, I felt myself growing closer to Dad and growing closer to Kendall and Oakley 'cause we were always together.

   8. MRMel Robbins14:14

      Mm-hmm.

   9. SRSawyer Robbins14:14

      And then when you would come home, it felt like I... I think it was a story I was telling myself, but it felt, in my eyes, like, you either were talking about work or you were talking about Kendall.

   10. MRMel Robbins14:30

       Hmm.

   11. SRSawyer Robbins14:31

       And, "How are we gonna grow Kendall's singing career?" and "How are we gonna do this?" and all of the plays and all this stuff, which is unbelievable, but I think that that was really my impression is she's a workaholic, which she still is. Um, but I have more of an appreciation for it now, um, and the fact that I just had this story in my head that it was, like, all I wanted was your attention, and I felt like it was going everywhere but me.

   12. MRMel Robbins15:04

       I think it was. I- it definitely was. And I'm sorry.

   13. SRSawyer Robbins15:11

       That's okay.

   14. MRMel Robbins15:13

       (laughs) It's not okay.

   15. SRSawyer Robbins15:15

       I forgive you.

   16. MRMel Robbins15:17

       Well, um, I think every working parent, especially those of us that have a job that requires travel, kinda has that, like, "Ooh," in your heart, because there are times in your life where, just outta necessity, you gotta be on the road because that's what your job demands. And I guess I was lucky enough that Dad was home full-time.

   17. SRSawyer Robbins15:44

       Mm-hmm.

   18. MRMel Robbins15:45

       But I do agree with you that I was consumed with work because I was so scared about the amount of debt we were in and just the relentless pressure I felt for almost a decade to be able to, um, replace all the money that we had lost in the business and to get outta credit card debt and to be able to pay for college and do some of the things that I wanted to do. And you're right. Like too many people, I spent too many years working and chasing the next thing because of the debt we were in, and I missed out on a lot. And so I can see why your experience was, that I was always gone, and when I was home, I was talking about work or I was getting ready to leave on the next trip or, you know, Kendall, who is definitely way more emotional than you are, at least outwardly, was getting a lot of the attention. And I think this happens a lot with the oldest kid, that you kind of assume the role of responsibility, and you became very stoic. And as much as I was trying to reach you, I didn't worry about you as much-

   19. SRSawyer Robbins17:04

       Mm-hmm.

   20. MRMel Robbins17:05

       ... because you didn't emote as much. And that's not your problem. As the parent, it's my responsibility to know who you are and to find ways to really reach you, but I didn't know how. It almost felt like, especially in high school, that you were pissed off at me and that you had crossed your arms and you were standing off on the side and that you were like, "You're not gonna get to me. You don't get access to me." Is that true?

   21. SRSawyer Robbins17:40

       I think looking back, I- I pouted a little bit, for sure. (laughs)

   22. MRMel Robbins17:45

       (laughs)

   23. SRSawyer Robbins17:45

       Um, but, uh, it was, I think, definitely a little emotionally immature, um, acting like an eight-year-old, which you'll learn in the Let Them Theory book. I think another thing with families that happens a lot is I naturally am a lot more similar to Dad. And Kendall is a lot more similar to you, and I think Oakley's, like, a beautiful combination of you both.

   24. MRMel Robbins18:07

       It's not like something horrible happened.

   25. SRSawyer Robbins18:10

       No, not at all.

   26. MRMel Robbins18:11

       This, I think most relationships...... have this, like, invisible distance, and you can feel it and you can't quite understand why it's there. And if it's with somebody that you deeply love and that you have cared about for a long time, that distance and that sort of resentment that starts to build up is death by a thousand cuts. That's what it is.

   27. SRSawyer Robbins18:43

       Mm-hmm.

   28. MRMel Robbins18:44

       It's over and over and over again somebody feeling like they don't matter to you. And, you know, honestly when you're the parent, Sawyer, it's your responsibility to make sure that your children know that you matter to them. It's not your responsibility as the child to make me know that I matter to you. It's my responsibility as the parent to provide that to you, just like it's my responsibility to provide you with food and water and shelter. Me showing up in a way that makes you feel seen, me showing up in a way that makes you feel like you're a priority, me showing up in a way where I'm actually emotionally calm and I'm not tantruming or taking my stress out on all of you, that was something I didn't do. And so I did not provide you with what you needed. I- I fully own that.

   29. SRSawyer Robbins19:44

       I appreciate you saying that. Love you.

   30. MRMel Robbins19:48

       (laughs)

5. 19:49 – 26:03

   How unspoken conflict can create emotional barriers in relationships

   1. MRMel Robbins19:50

   2. SRSawyer Robbins19:50

      And, um, I also wanna say though that I think there was a lot of times in our relationship where you really did try. Like, you actively were constantly trying to break the barrier between our relationship.

   3. MRMel Robbins20:03

      What were some of the things that I tried to do? 'Cause I know what I tried to do.

   4. SRSawyer Robbins20:06

      Well, first of all, you tried to, "Let's go to the mall, Sawyer-"

   5. MRMel Robbins20:11

      (laughs)

   6. SRSawyer Robbins20:11

      "... and let's buy you a few things so you-"

   7. MRMel Robbins20:13

      Yes.

   8. SRSawyer Robbins20:13

      "... don't- don't dislike me."

   9. MRMel Robbins20:15

      Yes.

   10. SRSawyer Robbins20:15

       Which I think, for those of you whose love language is gifting, I think it worked in the moment, and then the next day something would happen that would reconfirm this story I was telling myself that, "She doesn't care about me," and then-

   11. MRMel Robbins20:30

       Mm-hmm.

   12. SRSawyer Robbins20:30

       ... it was back to this force field between us. And that- that's what I was gonna say, is that I think there- there was things that happened over time that raised the force field, and then everything after that just reconfirmed it and made me feel, like I was always already listening for that message.

   13. MRMel Robbins20:56

       Mm.

   14. SRSawyer Robbins20:56

       Versus I completely shut out the, "You matter. Here's your gifts. Here's that, the other," like, "I'm showing up to your game." I already had decided in my mind that this is the story I'm gonna tell myself, which is, "My mom doesn't care about me and I am going to go pout in the corner so she comes closer and closer to me," versus trying to approach you in another way. And I think what didn't help that is that outside of the house and outside of our family, every single second it was getting reconfirmed by strangers and by my friends.

   15. MRMel Robbins21:33

       Mm.

   16. SRSawyer Robbins21:33

       Which is, "Oh, you're Kendall's sister. Oh my God, Kendall's..." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. "Oh my gosh, you're Mel Robbins' daughter. I love her so much." Like, "Can you give me your number so I can get to her?" Like, "Give me your email so I can get to her." It was always like, "How can I use Sawyer to get to Kendall or Mom?" And so I think that that... It was in the house I was telling myself this, but also outside, it was kind of like other people were reconfirming that for me. And so it made the force field, like, indestructible.

   17. MRMel Robbins22:05

       I think that that's a very common experience, even when someone in your family doesn't have a public-facing career. Like, if you're the person in your family that's the middle child in a big family or you're the youngest in a big family, you feel invisible. And you show up at school and, "You're Joey's little brother," or, "Oh, here we go. We've got another, you know, one of the Mitchells," or, you know, "Here comes another Jones" through the school, that you start to feel invisible in the kind of reputation of the family or what your siblings did ahead of you. So I think that that's a very common thing. So would you say that once you decided, "My mom doesn't care about me," it was gonna be very difficult for me to somehow shatter that force field that you put up?

   18. SRSawyer Robbins22:56

       Yes.

   19. MRMel Robbins22:58

       Why do you say that?

   20. SRSawyer Robbins23:02

       I think it wouldn't be until I showed up differently that our relationship would get better.

   21. MRMel Robbins23:11

       Really?

   22. SRSawyer Robbins23:12

       Yeah.

   23. MRMel Robbins23:14

       I'd like to know I had more power here (laughs) . I- I, well, I appreciate you saying that because it takes time to shift the dynamic, and if somebody is committed to making you the villain in their story or if they're committed to being the victim every time they tell the narrative of their family, it's pretty hard for people to let go of victimhood.

   24. SRSawyer Robbins23:44

       Mm-hmm.

   25. MRMel Robbins23:45

       It's pretty hard for people to change the identity that they got screwed over or that their family, everybody's crazy, or nobody cares about them, or, "I make the effort but nobody else does." And when you get on that storyline, it's a very powerful thing to tell yourself because you feel right.

   26. SRSawyer Robbins24:05

       Totally.

   27. MRMel Robbins24:06

       And anger and resentment, it can become the substitute for the love that you actually crave. And the second that you say, "Well, I was wrong about them."... or you attempt to step out of the story where you're the victim, and you step into someone else's shoes and try to understand what it might have been like for them, just to see a different perspective, nothing's gonna change. But in the conversation today, I actually do think people can change, and I do think if you're willing to examine your own storyline and ask yourself, "Well, I realize that this has been the story. I realize that it's been, for a long time, that my sister doesn't care about me, or that my in-laws are selfish, or that I'm invisible in my family and nobody cares," if that's the story, and it's been this way for a very long time, nothing is gonna change unless you ask yourself the question, "Well, what do I actually want? Is this how I want it to be?" And if you don't want it to continue to be this way, the one person that can change it is you. And I wanna be very clear, your experience as a child is exactly aligned with the mother that you had. I was not available, I was desperately trying to save our family from financial ruin, and I was in panic mode all the time, and I didn't know how to build a business. I didn't know how to do what I was doing, and so I was constantly feeling behind, and I could not do what I was doing and also be an awesome mom at the same

6. 26:03 – 30:16

   Why we secretly hold grudges- and how they can bring us closer

   1. MRMel Robbins26:03

      time. And so, I own that, and I also, though, thank you, and I appreciate that you can, from where you are now, and looking back at the dynamic, see what was on my side in terms of the responsibility, and also be mature enough to say, "I can see that I cl- crossed my arms back in elementary school and was like, 'Well, she likes Kendall more, and I'm more like Dad, so I'm just gonna go over here in the corner and be silent and hold it all in and see if she notices me.'"

   2. SRSawyer Robbins26:38

      I think you were trying to reach out your hand, towards the end, and I think I still was in that "cross my arms, I'm mad at you, and I like to be mad at you, because then you give me more attention" phase.

   3. MRMel Robbins26:53

      Ooh, can we just stop right there? 'Cause I think that's something people can really relate to, that, "If I'm mad at you, I'm naturally gonna wanna make it up to you." And I have this dynamic with people in my life, where I feel I'm constantly in trouble, and they're keeping score, and that when they're annoyed with me, and I can hear it in their tone of voice, that I now have to somehow smooth this over. And I definitely felt that dynamic with you. And I love that you can admit that you liked being mad at me.

   4. SRSawyer Robbins27:25

      Yeah, it was great.

   5. MRMel Robbins27:26

      What was great about it?

   6. SRSawyer Robbins27:28

      (laughs)

   7. MRMel Robbins27:28

      (laughs) No, seriously, what was great about it?

   8. SRSawyer Robbins27:31

      I felt like when I was mad at you, then you actually gave me the time of day. And it wasn't until I was in tears, or I needed help...

   9. MRMel Robbins27:42

      Mm.

   10. SRSawyer Robbins27:42

       ... or I needed some advice, AKA your career...

   11. MRMel Robbins27:47

       (clicks tongue)

   12. SRSawyer Robbins27:48

       ... that you actually genuinely were paying attention to me without your phone in your hand, without thinking about other things. It was almost like, if I was in trouble, or I was mad at you, or I was in a emergency situation, that is when I would get your full attention, and that is the only time I would get your full attention. And so I felt like I was training you unconsciously. Like, I had no idea that I was doing this, but that I was training you to come closer to me whenever I was mad at you.

   13. MRMel Robbins28:27

       Wow. You did? 'Cause my, my experience of being your mother is that, especially once you got to high school, you were, like, done with me. "I don't need you. I don't want you. I want your credit card, I want the keys to your car, and I want you to shut up, and just not bother me." And so I started to comply. And I wanted something different, but I just didn't know how to do anything different or reach you without you being so annoyed or angry with me all the time. It's true.

   14. SRSawyer Robbins29:07

       It was all because I, I looked up to you and wanted to be you. And I think that that was, like, the same thing with Kendall too. It was like, "I just wanted to be her," and I didn't know how to communicate that.

   15. MRMel Robbins29:26

       Hmm.

   16. SRSawyer Robbins29:28

       And so, instead of being like, "I'm so proud of you. I wanna learn from you. I wanna go in the same direction," or, "I don't know what I wanna do, but I think what you're doing is so cool," instead, I was just like, "I can never do that."

   17. MRMel Robbins29:44

       Mm.

   18. SRSawyer Robbins29:45

       "And so, therefore, I'm gonna punish them."

   19. MRMel Robbins29:49

       I think that's such a relatable experience. I am so grateful that we're having this conversation, Soy, and I'm grateful that you're together with us, because I know that this conversation is going to improve your relationships, and you're gonna feel so much better if you truly take to heart everything that we're sharing. And I cannot wait to see who you share this conversation with.

7. 30:16 – 38:53

   How Let Them saved Mel’s relationship with her daughter

   1. MRMel Robbins30:16

      And so let's fast-forward to the part of the story where you go through college...And you're out working for this massive cybersecurity firm, you're in your early 20s. You're, uh, getting promoted. You have all this stuff. You're saving money, and you decide that you're gonna take this trip and backpack solo around Asia, something you've wanted to do since you were a little girl. You go realize this dream, and then what happens?

   2. SRSawyer Robbins30:50

      So I quit my job, and I go to Asia for four months and backpack solo, um, to seven different countries, and it was so amazing. I was on such a high. I came back from my trip. I immediately wanted to go back but I had no money, and it was the middle of winter up in Vermont. I have moved back home, living with my parents at 25.

   3. MRMel Robbins31:22

      So this is a year ago, almost to the day.

   4. SRSawyer Robbins31:24

      A year ago, almost to the day, and I-

   5. MRMel Robbins31:28

      What were you thinking about the fact that you were moving in with me and Dad?

   6. SRSawyer Robbins31:34

      I thought it was temporary, and so- (laughs)

   7. MRMel Robbins31:37

      (laughs) Well, I hope it is. (laughs) I love you, but I hope it is.

   8. SRSawyer Robbins31:40

      Well, it's, I'm still living here for everyone. (laughs)

   9. MRMel Robbins31:44

      (laughs)

   10. SRSawyer Robbins31:44

       Um, (laughs) but I thought it was temporary, and so I thought, "This is gonna be a great refresh. I'm gonna move to New York. I'm gonna get a job within, like, three weeks of getting back. Like, this will be totally fine." And then I get back, and I just crumble with everything. I am crying every day. I have no idea how to process my emotions after I just completed, like, the biggest goal I've ever had in my life. And it's over, and, "What am I gonna do now?" And, "I can't go back into the corporate world, but I will never work for my mother." And Mom approaches me, and ever so slyly, she says, "Hey, Soy, um, you need money, clearly, and I need a little bit of help. How about you work on, for the entire next week, a little research project that I call The Let Them Theory?"

   11. MRMel Robbins32:53

       (laughs)

   12. SRSawyer Robbins32:53

       "And I will pay you however much." I think it was, like, 50 bucks to-

   13. MRMel Robbins32:59

       No, it was, it was, like, a g- I was gonna pay a professional researcher-

   14. SRSawyer Robbins33:02

       Okay.

   15. MRMel Robbins33:03

       ... like, $40 an hour because, uh, The Let Them Theory, I had stumbled upon it many months ago. I had shared it online. It had gone crazy viral. We had done one podcast episode about it, and that podcast episode became the sixth most shared episode on all of Apple Podcasts of the year. And so, when something goes that crazy, I'm like, "I need to dig in deeper, and I need to understand, why is this resonating? Why are people getting tattoos that say, 'Let them'? Before I commit to writing a book about this thing, let's dig into the research and see what all of you are telling us the power of The Let Them Theory is." And so I was gonna hire somebody to do it, and so I thought, 'cause I was very clear, "You don't wanna work with, work for me." You've always said, "I don't wanna work for you. I don't wanna work for you," wh- which I respect. You wanna have your own path in life. Absolutely agree with that. Absolutely follow your own path, but I was like, "Okay, we both have a problem. Let's see if we can solve it together." And so you took on this project, 40 bucks an hour, I think it was, to do a quick research project for two weeks, where I gave you the thing that had gone viral initially, like a 60-second thing, and I gave her the podcast episode and said, "I want you to dig into the comments." And I expected you to come back within two weeks and kinda give me a couple pages of analysis, but that's not what happened. Within 27 hours, Sawyer produced a, like, I don't know, 36-page document that was a active Excel table with color-coded dropdown menus and source links, including not only the 36 pages of citation and analysis and color-coding and dropdown menus, but a two-page synopsis which also included the fact that she said, "Mom, you can't write this book, because what I'm seeing in the comments is 90% of it's amazing, but 10% of people are saying, 'I'm saying, "Let them," and I'm really lonely.' 'I'm saying, "Let them," and I see that my friends don't call me back.' 'I'm saying, "Let them," and I see I'm the one in my family that makes all the effort.' We cannot do a book about something that makes people lonely. There has to be a second part." Now, meanwhile, as she's saying this to me, I'm holding this very thick packet of information that looks like some sort of marketing engineer has used AI to create, and I'm looking at you, and I'm thinking, "Oh my God, I think for the first time in your life, I actually understand the way your brain works, that you basically have a supercomputer between those bright blue eyes and those beautiful, like, ears and smile-

   16. SRSawyer Robbins36:05

       (laughs)

   17. MRMel Robbins36:06

       ...that is crunching data all the time, and if you don't have a monster of a project to aim it at, you aim it at yourself." And it made me wanna cry because I understood immediately why you're so hard on yourself and why you're always in your head.And then the second reaction that I had was, "Holy shit, I gotta figure out how she can work for me, because this kid is a genius." I've never seen anybody do research like this before. I have never seen something organized like this before. The analysis was spot-on, and I will tell you point-blank that the reason why The Let Them Theory has two steps, step one being, say, let them, and let them is where you detach from controlling another person and you let them be who they are. And step two is 1,000% because of Sawyer, and step two is let me, and that's where you say, "Let me," and you direct yourself to the truth, which is the only thing that you can control in any relationship or your life or your career, is you. Your response, what you think, what you say, what you do, how you process your emotions, and that's where you get to take responsibility for your life. That's where all the control and power comes, 'cause when you say, "Let me," you're reminding yourself that it's both your responsibility to figure out what you wanna do, and let's talk about the word responsibility. Responsibility just means the ability to respond, and in our case, one of the things that has been absolutely unbelievable around The Let Them Theory is that it's not only stopped you and me from trying to control the other person, but in saying, "Let them, let them, let them," to each other, I say, "Let them" when Sawyer seems intense. I say, "Let them" when Sawyer seems pissed off at me. I say, "Let them" when Sawyer kinda has that crossed-armed vibe, and then I say, "Let me. Let me decide how I'm gonna show up right now," and there are moments where I choose to step toward you and to try to make sure you know that I'm here. And then there are moments where I say, "Let me just give her space. Instead of micromanaging her and thinking something's wrong, let me just respect her as a 25-year-old human being who is allowed to have experiences in life that may be challenging, and I don't need to step in and mother her. I don't need to step in and smother her. I can just let her. Let her be intense about work right now, because there's a lot

8. 38:53 – 48:42

   What writing a book taught Mel about reconnecting with her daughter

   1. MRMel Robbins38:53

      going on." And so long and the short of it is, um, you agreed to step on and help me write The Let Them Theory book (laughs) . (laughs) I still can't believe it. Why can't you believe it? I am not a writer. Like, I am not- I beg to differ, but go ahead. And I just remember you saying, "Sawyer, I think we need to write this book together." And after loving the research project, I signed up and said, "Okay, but not full time. I will be on the side, and I will be a contractor." And then- I was still resistant. Hold on. This is actually really important, because I gotta- I gotta give you massive props for boundaries. So notice what she's doing, because here's the thing. In any relationship when things start to shift, it doesn't shift like that. These dynamics between you and the people in your life, whether it's your mother or your father or your sister or your brother, or maybe it's your adult kids, these dynam- dynamics have been in place for a very long time. You both have stories about each other, and you gotta be willing to, first of all, go, "Well, what do I actually want? I know what I have. What do I actually want?" And the thing is, is before The Let Them Theory book and before the tools of let them and let me, we had a lot of fun together. We could get drunk and hang out and party. We can go out to dinner. We can go on mother-daughter trips with everybody else and post all the photos, but underneath all the veneer, there is that sense of, "I'm not a priority, and this (beep) doesn't understand me 'cause she's always working, and I gotta do it on my own, and- and dad's the one that's there for me, not her." And I had this sense of I- no matter what I do, Sawyer's never gonna warm up to me. Like, sh- I know she loves me, but she is intentional about needing to separate and not let me in, and I can feel it. Like, you can feel it when somebody in your life is like, arms crossed, swords up. "I'll let you in when I feel like it or I've had a couple tequilas." Like, it's just there's people in your life like that, and you may have good reason to have those boundaries up because they've hurt you and because they're not predictable. And the more that I was working on myself and the more you started working on yourself and the more we both knew we just wanted to be closer without the bullshit between us, that's where the opening happens. But first you gotta decide, "I wanna change the story here that I'm telling myself, uh, for the sake of experiencing something different." And at this point, I was not in the mindset, "I'm doing this to improve my relationship with my mom." Like, that is not what I was going into this. It was, "I need some moola, and she's got it." (laughs) So (laughs) so I just wanna put that out there, that this was not in a intentional self-discovery, "I need to improve my relationship with my mother." This was, how my mom marketed it was, "This is a launching pad," and I said, "Great. It sounds-" For? "For New York." Yes. "And for your next gig, and you can learn as much as you want. You can stay for as long as you want. There is no guard rails, but I really need some help with this project, so for however long you wish. It's up to you, and we can get started." And I had said, "Okay, fine, but I'm never gonna be full time," and- Let them. (laughs)

   2. SRSawyer Robbins42:42

      And I think it's so hilarious, because growing up, every single week, I think, M- Mom would say once a week, "I just can't wait to have a family business."

   3. MRMel Robbins42:56

      I wanted so desperately for you guys to be part of a family business, because I saw how that kept my mom's family in close proximity in Upstate New York, and I just figured the world is so busy, how cool would it be to all have work to keep us together? And since the work is digital and interesting and media, there's lots of different things you could do. So, I always saw it as, "Why would I want someone else to run this business? Why wouldn't I want one of you to run this business? And what a better way to be able to be together than to work together?" And I will say, the experience of seeing you as a colleague has been an extraordinary gift, because I get to see how your mind works. I get to see you in meetings with Audible and Hay House and the PR teams and The Today Show. And it's just incredible to get to see a completely different dimension of who you are, and I think if you've got a kid or a sibling or a parent that is an athlete or they're an artist or they do something where you can see this side of them, you know what I'm talking about. But for those of us that don't perform, like, who knew your skill was a supercomputer brain that can do digital marketing and project management and be a business lead? Like, that doesn't come out when you're little, and I probably would never have seen it in you but for the fact that we had this experience of writing the book together. And I'm saying this because I love thinking, "You don't know the people you think you know," that there's a whole different side of the person that you love that you've never even experienced before. Whether it's artistic talent, or a knack for writing poetry, or they're an incredible sense of direction out in the woods and they can guide you anywhere, that the stories that we tell ourselves about the people that we know the best trap us in a relationship with that version of the person, and it limits your ability to experience someone in a new light. It's one of the reasons why so many of us love our friends so much more than our family, because our friends come in and out of our lives and experience us out in the world, and our family almost never does. Our family still experiences us as we were inside that family system as the golden child, or the troublemaker, or the one that's this, and you start to resent the fact that people don't see you for your full self. And that's what this experience this past year has done with my relationship with you, and it's also why the Let Them Theory and saying, "Let them," and saying, "Let me," is a game changer in your relationships. Because when you start to say, "Let them," especially with family, it creates the space for you to accept someone as they are and perhaps start seeing them for who they are for the very first time. Instead of judging, or wishing, or managing, or worrying, when you say, "Let them," you do what everybody wants, which is you truly learn how to accept somebody instead of trying to control them. And then when you say, "Let me," you're now cuing yourself and reminding yourself that you get to choose how you show up with this person in your life, what energy you bring, you know, what- what sort of questions you ask. And when you start to focus on the energy that you bring and how you show up with the people that you think you know best, that's what creates the ripple effect that creates change.

   4. SRSawyer Robbins47:06

      When we started working together, I finally understood everything that you do and everything that you have gone through in the past 25 years that I've been alive. And I just had such an overwhelming, like, appreciation and compassion for everything that you do on a daily basis and how much stress and overload, which I am now experiencing-

   5. MRMel Robbins47:37

      (laughs)

   6. SRSawyer Robbins47:37

      ... um, you experience, and it's-

   7. MRMel Robbins47:41

      Running a business this size.

   8. SRSawyer Robbins47:42

      Yes. It's-

   9. MRMel Robbins47:43

      N- No one knows how big this business is.

   10. SRSawyer Robbins47:45

       It is insane. And, like, I genuinely don't think Kendall, Oakley, or Dad will ever know how much you go through, and I would never know how much you go through, and everything- everyone that is relying on you, and needing your attention, and needing things from you, and I think that that also really helped me basically look through your frame of reference and your lens. And I think it just allowed me to have so much more compassion for you, and so much more understanding, and just appreciation. And once I saw, like, the internal side of the business and truly put myself in your shoes, I think it's only then that I was like, "I need to show up differently, and I wanna cheer for her. I don't want to boo her." And now I understand.

9. 48:42 – 58:05

   Want to fix a broken relationship? Start with this simple mindset shift

   1. SRSawyer Robbins48:42

   2. MRMel Robbins48:42

      It's such an important point. And this brings me to kind of a takeaway for you listening-And it's, if you wanna change the narrative, or the story, or the dynamic with somebody that you care about, especially if you've known them for a long time, you have to truly want to step into their shoes. And we talk about this tool called frame of reference that I learned from my friend, Lisa Bilyeu, at length, and how you use it with The Let Them Theory. But I'm gonna give you a couple quick examples, 'cause this is really important. I recently heard somebody say to me, "You know, I don't understand why my kids are upset by who we voted for in the election." And what I said to them is, "I don't think you're asking the right question, 'cause you just said to me, 'I don't understand why they're upset with me.'" Maybe the question needs to be, "I need to step into their shoes to try to understand why they might be upset with me." See, I think we stand on our side of the line, and we look at somebody else, and we judge them and say, "Well, I don't understand why they're like this." Have you ever stopped and asked yourself, "I wonder what it was like for my mom? I wonder what it was like for my sister? I wonder what it was like for my little brother?" We're so consumed with our experience that we start to build a narrative around it, but we never actually even want to step in and consider it. And I remember my relationship with my mom shifted immediately the second I stopped to ask myself, "I wonder what it was like for my mom to be 19 years old in the middle of Kansas City, married to my dad who was starting medical school, and here she has a newborn, and she's working nights at the IRS, her family is halfway across the country, it's just her and my dad who's starting medical school, she's a brand new mom, she's just got her frie- I wonder what that was like." And when you stop and step in someone else's shoes, what you realize is, most people are not monsters. Most people are doing the best that they can with the resources and the life experience that they have. In the words of Dr. Ablon, people do well when they can. And we tend to judge from our point of view, and then we sit there and cross our arms and go, "I don't understand why my mom's so upset with me. I don't understand why my sister's so selfish. I don't understand why..." Well, have you stopped and asked yourself, "I wonder what it must be like to be that person? If I assume good intent, I wonder what that must be like." Because there's a difference between wishing someone would understand you and actually taking the time and being interested in understanding why they might think the way that they think. And when you're in a relationship with somebody, a sibling, a parent, an adult child, where you have got so much baggage built up, like, you are literally pulling up to any conversation on the phone, any text message, any anything, I want you to imagine you have a fricking U-Haul next to you, you got everything that's ever happened, all the death by a thousand cuts, you're both kinda locked in this, it just takes one person to change the dynamic. But here's the thing. If you're the one that goes to therapy, if you're the one that listens to the podcast episodes, if you're the one that reads The Let Them Theory book, if you're the one that starts to calm yourself down and act like a more mature adult in the relationship, more loving person, if you're the one that's using the tools and you're saying, "I wonder what it was like when my mom was such and such," or, "I wonder what it must have been like for my little sister," or, "I wonder what it was like for my dad," and you step into their shoes, do not expect the other person to do the same thing. Because expecting someone else to meet you at the same level that you are now trying to learn about, and meet yourself, and go through life, they cannot do that unless they've done the work. And what we write about extensively in The Let Them Theory book, in fact, the book is divided into eight sections, and one of the sections is all about how our attempts to make other people change and our expectations that they should keeps the dynamic stuck. And so, the hardest part about all of this is that, yes, you can change the dynamic, no question, absolutely, and all you need is you. You do not need the other person's participation, because your behavior and your emotional maturity is so powerful that it influences the dynamic. And if you're lucky, over time, it changes the dynamic. And I want you to think about it this way. Let's say you have a really antagonistic relationship with somebody. Every time you get on the phone or you see each other, it's like you both pull up in your U-Haul trailers with all the baggage. You both hope it goes better. But the relationship is a lot like a tug-of-war. You each pick up the rope, you hook it to the U-Haul, and now you're pulling each other with all the baggage and the weight. The fastest way to win the tug-of-war is to actually just drop the rope. Don't play. Let them. Let them tug. Don't tug back. And what's gonna happen is the person's gonna tantrum. The person's gonna say flipping things. "Oh, is this what you learned in ther- Is this therapy speak that you're using on me now?" Let them say it."I don't know, Mom, just tired of the tension. Really would love to have a better relationship with you, so I'm trying." Oh, let them, because they don't know how to operate in the new dynamic yet. They're still committed to the baggage and the story. They don't know anything different. And now that you're showing up different, you're calmer, you're not pulling on the rope, you're not stabbing back, you're just showing up, you're clear that you wanna shift the dynamic, every time they say something that would normally agitate the hell out of you, just say, "Let them," and let me remind myself that even when they act like an eight-year-old, I'm not their parent, and it's not my job to manage this. So let them. And when you stay in your power, and you continue to do it over and over and over, the person in your life reveals how much they can meet you at this level, and you might be surprised. You know, there are people in my life that I've had antagonistic relationships with, and now that I have the let them theory, and I show up very differently, and I'm calmer, and I'm more compassionate, and I'm more understanding, and I walk away the second I sniff any kind of stress or antagonism coming, I just remove myself from the conversation, the dynamic's different. As I step into someone else's shoes, and I go, "I wonder what it must be like to be..." and I really play out the story in my mind from the other person's point of view, you know, the sibling that didn't get married, the sibling that can't get it together, "I wonder what it must be like to be the one that mom and dad is supporting. That can't feel that great. Huh. You know? Hmm. Wow. I could be a little bit more compassionate here. Maybe it's not worth my time and energy to actually get bothered by this. Maybe I should just bathe myself in feeling sorry for somebody, and a little bit more compassionate, that this is what their life is like, and just let them." And let me say, "Let me remind myself that I'm really proud of where I'm at, and I- I'm proud that I'm the emotionally mature person." And what you're going to notice is it takes time, because as you said, Sawyer, and I thought it was a beautiful thing to share, that when you were angry, you got my attention. And a lot of people in your life are angry, or they're in breakdown, or they treat you in passive-aggressive ways because it gets your attention. And what does that tell you? It tells you all they ever wanted was your attention, and maybe you can be the one that can close this distance because you start giving them the attention in an entirely new way. And when somebody starts to feel tended to, and they start to feel like they have a little bit more of your attention, it's kind of shocking how people

10. 58:05 – 1:01:59

    Mel reveals the undeniable truth: you can’t change someone else

    1. MRMel Robbins58:05

       change. Now, it doesn't always happen, and that's something that's important to say, because let them doesn't change things. It creates the space for things to change, and that's why this is so powerful.

    2. SRSawyer Robbins58:23

       I loved the visual of the-

    3. MRMel Robbins58:26

       The tug-of-rope?

    4. SRSawyer Robbins58:26

       ... the tug-of-rope, because immediately, what I thought was, if you put me and you on either side of the tug-of-rope-

    5. MRMel Robbins58:34

       Yep.

    6. SRSawyer Robbins58:34

       ... every single time that I was mad at you, I was tugging-

    7. MRMel Robbins58:38

       Mm-hmm.

    8. SRSawyer Robbins58:39

       ... and every single time, you would basically hold on tight and tug closer to me-

    9. MRMel Robbins58:46

       Yeah.

    10. SRSawyer Robbins58:46

        ... because you just wanted to save me and do all this and do all that. Whenever we fight, w- whenever we used to argue in the past, it would be both of us tug-of-warring.

    11. MRMel Robbins58:57

        Mm-hmm.

    12. SRSawyer Robbins58:58

        And I think with the let them theory, which you started implementing with me and our family way before I even knew it-

    13. MRMel Robbins59:05

        (laughs)

    14. SRSawyer Robbins59:06

        ... I think what ended up happening is I would start to tug, and you would drop the rope, and I would fall down-

    15. MRMel Robbins59:12

        Mm-hmm.

    16. SRSawyer Robbins59:13

        ... which happens every single time. And it's not falling down in the sense of, "I'm less than," or, "Screw her." It's more so, "Oh, she's just not playing this game anymore."

    17. MRMel Robbins59:24

        Mm-hmm.

    18. SRSawyer Robbins59:25

        And I think that's what's so beautiful, wha- what is so beautiful about the let them theory, is you actually can't play the game of tug-of-war when one person isn't playing.

    19. MRMel Robbins59:35

        It takes two, and none of us want to see that we are a participant in a dynamic, and that's why it takes one person to change not only the dynamic with anyone in your life, but it takes one person to change an entire family system. And, you know, a- as much as you can change the dynamic with anybody, and you can improve any relationship because you can shift how you show up, you have to always remember something. There is one thing you will never be able to change, and that's another person. People only change when they feel like changing, and when the conditions for changing are present. And that's important, because if somebody doesn't want to change, or they can't change due to some condition in their life right now, they're not going to change. And there's too many relationships where you're wishing someone would change, and you're working against the fundamentals of human wr- wiring, which is people have to feel that they are in control of their own lives. That's why they're tugging on the rope. They want your attention.They wanna win, they wanna be right, so they tug on the rope. When you say, "Let them," and you don't play that game, you just shifted the dynamic. And as things shift and it impacts someone else, now they have to question, "Huh. If what I used to do doesn't work, maybe I should try something else." And that means you're triggering the truth about human beings, which is they only change when they feel like it, and if you're changing the dynamic, and what has always happened, and all the baggage is no longer relevant because you're not arguing over the same old crap anymore, then all of a sudden there's a lot less to argue about. And that's what creates this space that makes someone else actually want to change, because most people are actually seeking your attention. They're seeking to feel important and seen, and they've just been going about it in very negative ways or in subconscious patterns that just don't work anymore.

11. 1:01:59 – 1:09:01

    How to break free from the cycle of trying to manage everything

    1. MRMel Robbins1:02:00

       So, you know, in the process, Soy, of you and I really learning how to use the Let Them Theory to create more space for our relationship to change, it's really been extraordinary to get to know you in a totally different way, and I think that's one of the most exciting things about talking about this today with, you know, you as you're listening to us, is that you have no idea what's possible in your relationships. You only know what... the way it's been. But I see a bigger possibility for you. There's no doubt in my mind that people in your life can change. Don't you agree, Soy?

    2. SRSawyer Robbins1:02:41

       Yes, 100%.

    3. MRMel Robbins1:02:42

       So we start writing the book together.

    4. SRSawyer Robbins1:02:45

       And jeez.

    5. MRMel Robbins1:02:46

       What do you mean, "And jeez?"

    6. SRSawyer Robbins1:02:47

       Jeez, oh, jeez. It was not a breeze.

    7. MRMel Robbins1:02:51

       Oh my God, no.

    8. SRSawyer Robbins1:02:52

       We... Mom.

    9. MRMel Robbins1:02:55

       Yes.

    10. SRSawyer Robbins1:02:56

        This was- (laughs)

    11. MRMel Robbins1:02:57

        Horrible. (laughs)

    12. SRSawyer Robbins1:03:00

        (laughs) I genuinely think if the topic of the book was not letting other people be themselves, live their lives in order for you to live your best life, and for you to finally be yourself, I would not be sitting here today.

    13. MRMel Robbins1:03:19

        How come?

    14. SRSawyer Robbins1:03:21

        'Cause this book-writing process brought us closer, but also was, whew, weird. It was hard. It was really hard.

    15. MRMel Robbins1:03:36

        You know, the Let Them Theory, and saying, "Let them," and then saying, "Let me," as a way to diffuse tension and frustration and stress in your relationships, it doesn't make anything easy. It makes it happen. As we are writing this book together, just imagine the craziness of this. We have a mother-daughter relationship, a daughter who does not wanna work for her mother, a mom who is stressed out and running this massive business, dying to be closer to you. We now have this project that we're working on only because you need money, and it just so happens that the project heals our relationship, because the tool that we're writing about is a tool that brings you closer to other people by letting go of controlling them, and it forces you to let other people be themselves, which makes you see them for the first time. I said, "Let them, let them, let them" with you probably five times a day.

    16. SRSawyer Robbins1:04:44

        I think I said it 25 times a day.

    17. MRMel Robbins1:04:47

        (laughs)

    18. SRSawyer Robbins1:04:48

        And let me just paint the picture for you guys.

    19. MRMel Robbins1:04:50

        Okay.

    20. SRSawyer Robbins1:04:51

        So, we are living together.

    21. MRMel Robbins1:04:53

        Which is... I would not recommend while you're doing this.

    22. SRSawyer Robbins1:04:55

        Do not recommend. Do a project virtually or something. But we are living together, so every single day for the entire last year, this is how it would go. We'd wake up, "Hey, mom." "Hey, Soy. How are you? Oh my gosh, you sleep well?" "Yeah, I sleep well." Okay, then we go to exercise together. No boundaries.

    23. MRMel Robbins1:05:15

        (laughs)

    24. SRSawyer Robbins1:05:16

        Then we eat breakfast together. One of us is making the same smoothie for the both of us. Then we're in such a positive mood, we go up to the office, we sit down, and then all of a sudden our personalities come out.

    25. MRMel Robbins1:05:31

        (laughs)

    26. SRSawyer Robbins1:05:31

        Mom, her brain is the most beautiful, creative, absolute disaster tornado-

    27. MRMel Robbins1:05:41

        (laughs)

    28. SRSawyer Robbins1:05:41

        ... I've ever worked with in my entire life. She cannot make a decision, she is all over the place, and you cannot contain her in structure. She wants to creative-write for... I don't even know how you got your other two books done, to be completely honest.

    29. MRMel Robbins1:05:58

        Me either.

    30. SRSawyer Robbins1:05:59

        But, uh, she would love to creative-write every single day for the rest of time. She wants no boundaries, no structure. She pretty much writes the same thing 20 times in a row-
12. 1:09:01 – 1:16:22

    The problem is the power you give to other people

    1. MRMel Robbins1:09:01

       It was too much. And, but, but the bigger takeaway is this, because I don't want you to be discouraged from ever working in a family business, and I don't want you to think that all of the tension and fighting was for naught. Because the bottom line is writing a book is a colossal undertaking. Typically, you would do it in two years. We produced this one in eight months. That is insane in terms of the timeline. And the only reason why it got done, it was because of you. And when you're not only dealing with somebody that you have a story about and you wanna have a better relationship with, but you also have very different working styles and thinking styles, using the let them theory is a lifesaver. Because every time I would say let them, because Sawyer was yelling at me that I was rewriting a chapter, and I wasn't following the outline, and, "Why even bother doing an outline if you're not even gonna follow it?" Every time I said let them, what happened is I recognized the genius in your brain, because this is how you think. You know, in life, there are what I call box jumpers and box steppers. So if you imagine a path, every step, A, B, C, D, E, the path leads from point A to point Z. You are the kind of person, Sawyer, that you don't need to see point Z. You know exactly what A to B, to B to C, to C to D. You are a genius. You are a box stepper. You can take any process, you can organize a structure around it. Like, my brain cannot do that.

    2. SRSawyer Robbins1:10:39

       (laughs)

    3. MRMel Robbins1:10:41

       It can't. Your dad is the same way. I am a different type of thinker. I am what you call a box jumper. And it is my genius to stand at point A and see all the way down the line and go, "Oh, we're going to W. Now, I have no idea how to create a map to get there, but I know we're gonna get there." And here's the problem with most of our relationships. I want Sawyer to be a box jumper. I want her to think like me. I want her to be like me. And that's why I feel frustrated and tension and, like, anger and resentment, 'cause you're not like me and you don't think like me. Meanwhile, Sawyer just wishes I was a box stepper, that I could go from A to B and then B to C, and she doesn't understand why my brain doesn't work the way that her brain works. And I think most of us build up this invisible distance with one another because we've never learned how to say let them. And when you say let them and you let somebody freak out because their brain works differently or because their expectations weren't met, like I think a lot about, especially around the holidays or big celebrations, of course your family is bummed you're not coming. They love you. Shouldn't they be upset? Shouldn't they be disappointed? I mean, what's the alternative? "I'm glad you're not coming 'cause I hate you anyway?" Instead of saying, "Oh, well, what does it actually mean if someone's disappointed? It just means they love me, and they just wish I were there. Doesn't mean I have to change my plans." 'Cause two things can be true at once. Someone can be disappointed in me and still love me, and I can be kinda sad that this year I'm going to my in-laws and I'm gonna miss out, but those can both be true. And what can also be true is my daughter and I can be very different thinkers, and we can be wired very differently, and through understanding and acceptance, there's room for both of us.And it's in that space where Sawyer can be frustrated 'cause I'm, yet again, as an artist, I'm just an artist, that's what I am. I blow something up 'cause I know that this isn't gonna take us to W. And I can't explain to her how we're gonna get to W, but I know her genius will get us there. If I can create space for your experience to be sad, or emotional, or mad, and just let them, and then I say, "Well, let me. Let me be honest with myself about what I know to be true, and let me hold space for you to be upset." Same thing's true with you. Okay, let them. Here goes Mom again, the crazy, insane artist. Let her, and let me remind myself, as the project manager on this, if this doesn't hit the deadline, not my fault, it's hers. So let her blow it up, 'cause it's her name on the cover. Let her do it, 'cause she's gonna have to reap the consequences of it. And it was not easy. And that's the thing about the let them theory as a tool. It's a tool that you are going to use every day in every relationship. I literally say it every day in my marriage, I say it every day with Sawyer, because little things piss you off, little things make you roll your eyes, but instead of letting those little things become the invisible cuts that create the distance that makes your relationship slowly die and resentment take over, when you say, "Let them," you just let 'em go, and it doesn't build up. And you learn how to love the person as they are instead of constantly wishing they were just like you, 'cause they're never gonna be.

    4. SRSawyer Robbins1:14:31

       I think that also using the let them theory in this book writing process made this book so much better, because you let me write from a 20s perspective, and I let you, even though I can't relate, from a 50s perspective. And so I feel like this book has so much relatable stories, and so, it reaches so many different age groups, mine, yours, everyone's in between, that it actually brought the fun finishing product-

    5. MRMel Robbins1:15:03

       Oh my God, incredible.

    6. SRSawyer Robbins1:15:04

       ... to be so much better. And I think that that, like just having both of our writing styles woven in throughout of it-

    7. MRMel Robbins1:15:13

       Mm-hmm.

    8. SRSawyer Robbins1:15:14

       ... is really amazing.

    9. MRMel Robbins1:15:16

       Well, if we hadn't had let them, we probably would have thrown this project out the window and said, "Let's not bother." And you would have quit and moved to New York, and said, "See? I told you." But it was the tool of saying let them and then saying let me that created the space for us to work together on a project and have very different styles, and also very different experiences, 'cause this is my ninth book. We've got, we've done six audiobooks for Audible, we did The 5 Second Rule and The High 5 Habit. So I've been through this rodeo. You haven't. And so it's also this experience of bringing someone into a project who is learning in the seat, doing a remarkable job, but also all the stress and anxiety that comes from never having done it before.

    10. SRSawyer Robbins1:16:08

        100%. And I think that also you, I noticed that you had done let them a lot with me when I was freaking out about things that you didn't think were a big deal and vice versa.

13. 1:16:22 – 1:25:11

    This is keeping you from the happiness and success you deserve

    1. SRSawyer Robbins1:16:23

       And I wanna say two things. I wanna say one piece of advice of another way that you can use let them and let me, and I wanna say one warning that I experienced during this process.

    2. MRMel Robbins1:16:35

       Go.

    3. SRSawyer Robbins1:16:36

       So the first is that what I love about the let them theory is that you can vocalize it.

    4. MRMel Robbins1:16:44

       Hmm.

    5. SRSawyer Robbins1:16:44

       And so I feel like in a lot of our conversations, at the end of the day, "Mom, you would, I would say to you, 'I am trying to let you have your process, and I am trying to let you creatively write about this topic, and at the same time, I need you to let me create these briefs and create this, this, because this is how I think, and otherwise, I don't understand what you're doing.'"

    6. MRMel Robbins1:17:10

       Mm.

    7. SRSawyer Robbins1:17:11

       And so I feel like it's a tool for you to approach a conversation as well as saying it to yourself, whereas you can go up to your loved one or whoever you are hoping to communicate better with or build your relationship stronger and say, "I am trying to let you do X, and at the same time, I need you to let me do X."

    8. MRMel Robbins1:17:32

       Sawyer, that is a genius takeaway, and let me tell you why, just to add to this, because it's way bigger than working on a project with somebody that thinks differently. There are gonna be times in any relationship, whether it's with a sibling or a parent or an adult child or the person that you're in a relationship with, where you don't like what they're about to go do. You're worried about it, you think it's a dumb thing. Like, for example, let's say you have somebody in your life who's planning on quitting a great job to go start a business. They wanna follow their dreams, right? Of course you're worried about it. Most businesses fail. Of course you have concerns about whether or not it's gonna be successful and whether or not this is the right time, but in life, you have to let them. You have to let them live their lives. You've got to let them follow their path. You have to let them try things and fail. So you can say to someone in your life that is about to change their major, or quit their job, or date somebody, that you're like, "Red flags, red flags, red flags," which we all know nobody listens to anyway when you try to warn people, so you gotta let them. But it is 1,000% effective for you to go, "And you need to let me do what I need to do in this regard. So you need to let me create a budget. If you're going to go quit your job and launch a business, you need to let me..."... create a spreadsheet that shows you exactly how much money we have before we run out, which then allows me to manage what I'm worried about without trying to control you to manage what I'm worried about. Do you see what I'm saying? And so, the second that you said to me, 'cause I kept going, "I don't need a table of contents. I don't need this. Just let me write." And you would be like, "Mom, I'm gonna let you do your thing, but you have to let me organize myself in a way that makes me feel comfortable when I get on the phone with the publisher, because I need to organize myself and I realize I'm responsible for that." And you also started to realize controlling you isn't going to actually give you power.

    9. SRSawyer Robbins1:19:43

       And then the warning that I will say is I found myself, throughout the process, whenever you and I would get into it a little bit, that I would always let them and I would always use that tool, but I rarely followed up with let me.

    10. MRMel Robbins1:20:07

        Mm-hmm.

    11. SRSawyer Robbins1:20:07

        And let me explain. So, you would say, "I need to do it this way. I need this from you. I need this. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, X, Y, Z." And my initial response, I would tell myself, "Let them. Do not react. Do not play into it. Do not try to be right." And as a result, my response was always silence.

    12. MRMel Robbins1:20:32

        Mm.

    13. SRSawyer Robbins1:20:33

        And I would always just let you go and let you do your process, and I would sit back and feel very sad and emotional and left out, and felt like you weren't listening to me. And as a result, my emotions would bubble up-

    14. MRMel Robbins1:20:49

        Mm-hmm.

    15. SRSawyer Robbins1:20:49

        ... and bubble up, and then I would explode. And I think what was really crucial, and that I really noticed, is that whenever I used let them with you, I always had to follow it up with let me, which is don't react, but collect my emotions, take a breath, say, "Let- let them, let Mom, let her do her process. Instead, let me communicate how this makes me feel."

    16. MRMel Robbins1:21:18

        Mm.

    17. SRSawyer Robbins1:21:19

        Or communicate how her not using the organization or the this, or disregarding the month's worth of work that I've done and creating something brand new is making me feel.

    18. MRMel Robbins1:21:33

        Well, and I wanna broaden this out, 'cause we really, in the course of writing the book about The Let Them Theory and how stressful it was, used these tools all day long. And so, this applies in every relationship, because if all you do is say, "Let them," and even if it's like the example of you go home and your mom is like, I don't know, I- I get all stressed out when people are coming over and gotta clean the house, and da na na na. And- and anybody that tries to help, I'm bristly. And if all the family does is say, "Let them. Let her get all worked up. Let her micromanage," and nobody then says to themself, "I gotta say 'let me'. Mom, when you get like this, it's not fun for anybody. Let me help you." What that does is it breaks up the dynamic where there's invisible distance. Because your silence when somebody's behavior is making you upset, it actually creates distance, because when you stay silent, you take a step away from somebody. And when you remind yourself by saying, "Let me," you now prompt yourself to say something. And every time you say something, not so that you control the other person, not so that you change what's happening, but so that you say how you're feeling or how somebody's behavior is impacting you, you actually take a- a step closer to somebody. And it's in hearing how my behavior was impacting you that would have me stop in my tracks and change how I was operating, because I didn't wanna make you feel that way. I was just all stressed out and worried about the book deadline, so of course I'm like doing what I think it's gonna do. Same thing with- with getting ready for guests to come over. Everybody's running around like a lunatic 'cause they're stressed out. And when we k- say, "Let them, let them, let them," we don't let somebody else's stress impact us. But when we say, "Let me tell them how their behavior is impacting me," now I'm taking a step closer and seeking connection instead of creating more distance. Does that make sense?

    19. SRSawyer Robbins1:23:42

        Yeah, 100%. And what's so beautiful about The Let Them Theory is the fact that it's a gift to someone else as well.

    20. MRMel Robbins1:23:53

        How so?

    21. SRSawyer Robbins1:23:54

        I think that, like, all I want is for people to use The Let Them Theory on me. I want people to say, "Let Sawyer do th- her thing." I want people to say, "Let Sawyer be who she is." I want you to say-

    22. MRMel Robbins1:24:05

        Mm.

    23. SRSawyer Robbins1:24:05

        ... "Let Sawyer want to organize and have her OCD, and let me be who I am without trying to control me." And so, I think that our relationship improved because we both were using let them on each other.

    24. MRMel Robbins1:24:20

        Mm.

    25. SRSawyer Robbins1:24:21

        And so I think that The Let Them Theory improves relationships because it's not only when you start using it, the first step in improving and breaking this toxic dynamic, but I think it's such a great gift to share with other people and to share with your loved ones, because when they start using it on you, you're gonna be like, "Hallelujah."

    26. MRMel Robbins1:24:42

        (laughs)

    27. SRSawyer Robbins1:24:42

        "Hallelujah, girl."

    28. MRMel Robbins1:24:44

        Yes.

    29. SRSawyer Robbins1:24:44

        "Keep using it." Like, it's so amazing, and it's- it's- it's great. I love it.

    30. MRMel Robbins1:24:50

        I do too. I do too. It, like, creates room for more love when you say it. And so, I wanna just make sure that you're leaving not only seeing yourself in a dynamic with a sister, or a parent, or an adult child, or somebody that you love where this sort of invisible distance and weirdness...I

14. 1:25:11 – 1:32:44

    One tool that is the key to fixing your toughest relationships

    1. MRMel Robbins1:25:11

       wanna make sure that you really kinda get some of the key takeaways, and the first one is, we all have a story about the other person. And until you recognize that you have a story about the other person, and Sawyer's story was what, about me?

    2. SRSawyer Robbins1:25:26

       I think my story about you was that you don't care about me, and that you only care about work and my siblings, and...

    3. MRMel Robbins1:25:36

       Oof, I still, I still hate hearing it, even though I know it's not... Is that-

    4. SRSawyer Robbins1:25:40

       It's not, it's not my current story.

    5. MRMel Robbins1:25:41

       What's your current story?

    6. SRSawyer Robbins1:25:42

       That, I think my current story is that you've gone above and beyond and worked your ass off your entire life to provide for us and to show up for us and to love us in so many ways, and provi- and like just be the best role model in the world. And, like, I think you're the best mom ever.

    7. MRMel Robbins1:26:09

       And my story was that you're always mad at me, and I've done something wrong, and that you don't need me, and that you don't want me unless I'm paying for something or you have an emergency. And that is not my story. My story now is that I get to see you every day and work with you, and I have just crazy admiration for the way that you think and your work ethic. And, as your mother, I'm just worried, I want you to have a little fun, that's all. But I gotta let 'em. Let 'em.

    8. SRSawyer Robbins1:26:42

       (laughs)

    9. MRMel Robbins1:26:42

       Book launch is almost over.

    10. SRSawyer Robbins1:26:43

        Book launch.

    11. MRMel Robbins1:26:44

        Yep.

    12. SRSawyer Robbins1:26:44

        Then I'll have some fun.

    13. MRMel Robbins1:26:45

        Um, that's tool number one, recognize the story you're telling, and then ask yourself, "What is the story I want?" And if there is this invisible distance or this weird friction, what do you want? And it might just be, "I'd just like to be a little closer. I'd like to have more fun again. I'd like to stop arguing about stupid stuff. I'd like us to both come out of our corners and uncross our arms and just realize we're on the same side." And, you know, that brings me to the next thing, which is, it's very helpful to stop and ask yourself, "I wonder what it's like? I wonder what it's like to be the oldest in a family of three where mom's always working, and dad's business failed, and mom's always gone, and she's always stressed out? Like, I wonder what that's like? And to have a younger sister that's on a stage and that is this and that, I wonder what it's like to feel the weight of responsibility and to feel like you're not seen or that things are never good enough?" And when you stop and go, "I wonder what it's like?" and you put yourself in their shoes, for the sake of truly wanting to understand what their story might be, it allows you to lower your sword and uncross your arms and drop the rope, and really come from more of a place of a little bit of compassion. And then you're going to use the let them theory, and you're gonna say, "Let them," whenever they're just being themselves, whenever the U-Haul arrives will all the baggage, you know, whenever the old stuff comes up, whenever you feel the distance, the stress, the frustration, the whatever, let them. Because the more you let them be, the better your relationships are gonna become, and the more the dynamic shifts. And then you gotta always remember to say, "Let me," because that's where you remind yourself that what you feel and what you need and the actions you take really matter here. And the final piece of advice that I re- I wanna give you is that there's no doubt in my mind that the let them theory alone would have transformed our relationship. But it was accelerated, in terms of the timeline for transformation, because we had a project to work on. And this is a really important thing to consider. I bet you've had experience in your life where something happened, maybe somebody got really sick in your family, and everybody drops everything and runs in to help, and suddenly the baggage isn't there, because there is something other than the history that everybody's organized around that made you be on the same side. And so, I want you to consider, is there some kind of project that you could think up that could help you erase some of this distance? Could you ask for help? Maybe there's a back bedroom you need to move out, and you wanna set up an office, and one of your siblings or your mom or one of your adult kids is fantastic at kind of interior design and Pinterest boards. What if you asked them for a little bit of help? It's a project that you could organize yourselves around where you're on the same side. And this kind of thing isn't just what Sawyer and I experienced. I dug into the research, 'cause I was really curious about this, turns out that there was a study done, in fact two of them, that I wanna share with you, because I think you'll find it empowering. The National Institute of Health wrote about how when people have to solve a problem together, we had to write a book, maybe your problem is you have a kid that's been diagnosed with dyslexia and you don't know what to do but your sister's really good at this stuff, or maybe you're going through a breakup and you need help and your mom's not that great until you actually need consoling. And so, when you have a project that you can work on, a problem that you're gonna solve together, number one, it creates this common goal, which is going to give you and this person in your life a shared purpose, it's gonna allow the two of you to collaborate. And the other thing that it does is it creates mutual reliance. In any relationship where there's this invisible distance, you're not reliant on each other, you're actually resentful and antagonistic of one another.When you come up with something cool, whether it's a project or a little trip you can take together, or something cool you could do together or something, it's gonna help you create a stronger bond, because it gets the focus off the dynamic and onto the project, or the problem you're solving, or the trip you're gonna take, something that creates this sense that you actually belong together. And I'm gonna share one more thing. Do you know, they actually did a study, this is out of the University of Texas, where hurricanes, they did this after Hurricane Harvey, and I'm not suggesting that hurricanes don't come with problems, but when a family or a couple goes through a natural disaster together, there is a massive jump in happiness after the hurricane goes through. Why? Because a natural disaster suddenly reminds you of what actually matters, and all those little things that have built up over time, and that created all that distance, suddenly doesn't, because you've got bigger things you need to deal with and problem solve and work on together to get through it. And that's what that book did for you and me. That's what you can create with anybody in your life. And using these simple tools, and of course the Let Them Theory, you have a couple of simple things that you can do that will help you close the distance and create a different connection with somebody that you deeply care about, and I really hope

15. 1:32:44 – 1:34:38

    The secret to transforming your relationships and your life

    1. MRMel Robbins1:32:44

       you do. Anything else you wanna say, Sawyer?

    2. SRSawyer Robbins1:32:47

       The last thing I'm gonna say is something I'm really excited about, is that you and I not only are gonna have this tool for the rest of our life, but we're gonna use this tool for the rest of our life. And I am so confident it's gonna continue, with every use, that our relationship will get better and better. And the fact that we have this book and this tool that I can give to my own kids to improve ... I'm 25, I don't have kids, but eventually-

    3. MRMel Robbins1:33:18

       (laughs)

    4. SRSawyer Robbins1:33:19

       Um, eventually, I-

    5. MRMel Robbins1:33:20

       Do you use it with your significant other?

    6. SRSawyer Robbins1:33:22

       Yes. Every day.

    7. MRMel Robbins1:33:24

       Does he use it with you?

    8. SRSawyer Robbins1:33:25

       I hope so. But he'll be the first to be getting the book, so I'm very excited to gift it to him, so he can use The Let Them Theory on me.

    9. MRMel Robbins1:33:35

       And I'm really excited too. Like, that's the thing, is that everybody thinks that this is about other people. It's actually about you. You want people to be saying, "Let them." You want your whole family to know this. And I am so excited for this to be out in the world. I'm excited for you to learn to use it. I'm excited for you to drop the rope and stop, like, doing the tugging back and forth with people. I'm excited for you to close the distance between you and people that you care about, and if they continue to be emotionally immature, you're gonna have The Let Them Theory by your side, because it does take time. I wanna thank you for being here together with me and Sawyer. I'm so excited for the people in your life that you're gonna share this with, and that you're going to give The Let Them Theory book to. And I cannot wait to hear how you use it. For you, Sawyer, I just wanna say I love you so much. It is the greatest gift in the world to have had this experience together and to get to share work together, and experience a whole different side of you that I would never have if I was just your mom.

Episode duration: 1:36:01