The Mel Robbins PodcastThe Ultimate Guide to Friendship, Self-Esteem, & Anxiety W/ My 18 Year Old Son | Mel Robbins Podcast
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125 min read · 24,857 words- 0:00 – 2:27
Intro
- MRMel Robbins
Today, we are answering your questions, and I say we because I have invited our 18-year-old son, Oakley Robbins, onto the podcast, because so many of the questions that I'm getting from listeners around the world are related to either the teens or young adults in your life. Oakley has not seen these questions.
- OROakley Robbins
Are we going? We're just-
- MRMel Robbins
We're just going.
- OROakley Robbins
... we're jumping right in?
- MRMel Robbins
We're just going.
- OROakley Robbins
Really?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- OROakley Robbins
That's a question?
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, right there.
- OROakley Robbins
Oh, I love you. (upbeat music)
- MRMel Robbins
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Today, we are answering your questions, and I say we because I have invited our 18-year-old son, Oakley Robbins, onto the podcast, because so many of the questions that I'm getting from listeners around the world are related to either the teens or young adults in your life. You're worried about them, you want to know how to connect with them, you're worried about their anxiety, about things that are going on at school or in college. And so I thought, why don't we just get Oakley in the seat, and Oak, you can do your best to explain what the average teenager or young adult is thinking as we answer questions from people around the world, okay?
- OROakley Robbins
Sounds great.
- MRMel Robbins
All right, anything else that you think people should know before we jump in?
- OROakley Robbins
I'm psyched to be here. Super glad to be back.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my gosh. I'm psyched to be back too. All right, so I'm just- here's how it's going to roll. Oakley has not seen these questions. I have a stack of literally several hundred questions.
- OROakley Robbins
It's huge.
- MRMel Robbins
And these are just-
- OROakley Robbins
It's very thick, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... a sample-
- OROakley Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... of the ones that we've got in the last 48 hours. Um, and I'm just going to...
- OROakley Robbins
Are we going? We're just-
- MRMel Robbins
We're just going.
- OROakley Robbins
... we're jumping right in?
- MRMel Robbins
We're just going.
- OROakley Robbins
Perfect. Let's go for it.
- MRMel Robbins
All right, great. Here's the first one. Why is it so hard to get my sons to talk? When my 18-year-old is upset, he stops talking to all of us.
- OROakley Robbins
Hmm. Well, I think for some people, I mean, everybody processes, like, annoyance and anger differently. And I mean, I'm no expert psychologist, but I feel like sometimes the way that men or boys can process, uh, change- uh, anger is they need time to themselves and they don't want to talk about
- 2:27 – 7:39
Why is it so hard to get my teen to open up to me?
- OROakley Robbins
it. Um, it's also a bit of a norm for men to just be closed off in general and not really share how they feel in general. And he may be falling under that category, which is a possibility because boys at high school don't like to share how they feel most of the time.
- MRMel Robbins
Why?
- OROakley Robbins
A sign of weakness, I guess. Uh, a worry that to show how you truly feel if you're upset or angry, um, it's not masculine, which is a word that people throw around and they hope to achieve. Um, but I think that it's not because your son is angry with you or doesn't like you, it's because he feels as though what he needs to be doing to achieve a certain standing in a social hierarchy or the life he's living right now is to not share and to stay quiet.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh. So, uh, in the life of the average teenage or young adult male social hierarchy, like the guys that are like quiet and broody, like that's- that's like a plus?
- OROakley Robbins
Like, you normally don't share if you're sad. You share- Like, anger is something people share.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OROakley Robbins
Um, but mo- like sadness, uh, like if you're, uh, I guess into somebody, like you don't really- people don't really share that, 'cause I guess that isn't very, uh, masculine, I guess, is the word that people use.
- MRMel Robbins
Really? If you like someone?
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Wow, you gotta like pretend like you don't care?
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Wow. So let's break this question apart a little bit, because I notice particularly in the mornings or at the end of the day if you got a lot of homework, you're usually pretty pissed off and grouchy.
- OROakley Robbins
Oh.
- MRMel Robbins
And it is obvious to me, particularly in the mornings, that you do not want me talking to you.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah, and you do a great job at it.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
I- I really appreciate it. Um...
- MRMel Robbins
But why? So- so can you explain why me talking to you when you're in a state where you're annoyed about something-
- OROakley Robbins
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... why does that bother you?
- OROakley Robbins
I think it's just 'cause like, I mean, the- the mornings and the afternoons are two different times for me. Like, in the afternoon-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- OROakley Robbins
... when I get home from school, I just went through, and this is for every kid, uh, they, or we just went through eight or nine hours of social interactions and tests and papers and classes. And so, when you get home, the last thing you want to do is have a 20-minute conversation breaking down every little thing that happened at school. So that's usually what-
- MRMel Robbins
What do you wanna do?
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah. Well, what you want to do, when I get home at least, is I want to go to my room, maybe sit in there for a minute or two, kind of just be alone, hang out for a second, and then when I come back down to you, I'm more ready and willing to open up. But in the mornings-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
... this- this may just be like a me thing, but-
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OROakley Robbins
... I just like, I wake up and (laughs) I'm just like, I just gotta get out the door, like I don't want to be slowed down, like I'm super tired, like I'm upset that I just woke up. I was super happy being asleep, and I just- I feel like I'll be set off very easily if somebody's trying to like get in my way and talk to me. I don't know if that's where everybody is.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, well, I think it's really helpful. And I also feel like if you've got a lot of stuff that you're processing and you're not ready to talk about it, there's nothing more irritating than somebody prying-
- 7:39 – 13:37
Here’s what to say to start a conversation with your child.
- OROakley Robbins
then to know when to reengage and to try and have that conversation, I think I give, like, a subtle cue, as in, like, I come back down into, like, a public space.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) You do.
- OROakley Robbins
And I don't really say anything, but I'm just, like, hanging out. Maybe I'll try and eat something or do something, but I will be near you guys, and I'll wait for you guys to engage.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) That's true.
- OROakley Robbins
I don't know if that's how everybody works, but I give a sign, and I think most people do give a sign when they're ready to talk, and my sign is I come back down and, uh, am in a public space.
- MRMel Robbins
And is there a lead-in line that you would want to hear from me or Dad?
- OROakley Robbins
Hmm, just, like, "How are you feeling?"
- MRMel Robbins
"Hey, bud," like that kind of thing?
- OROakley Robbins
Not like, "Hey, bud." I feel like that's kind of talking down.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OROakley Robbins
But more just, like, "How are you feeling?"
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OROakley Robbins
Like, "I noticed you were very upset." Like, "Would you like to talk about it?"
- MRMel Robbins
"Would you like to talk about it?" I like that. So acknowledge the feelings that you saw-
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... and then ask, "Would you like to talk about it?" And I take it if the person's like, "No," you just give them their space.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm. Give them more space, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, great.
- OROakley Robbins
Actually.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- OROakley Robbins
One more thing.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- OROakley Robbins
You have a line.
- MRMel Robbins
What do I have?
- OROakley Robbins
Where it's... This is really good, and I think everybody should use it. But if your child is willing to open up, it may be your first thought to jump right in and give advice and solve the problem. But you have a line that you use all the time, which is, "Do you want me to give advice or do you want me to just listen?" And so if your child decides to open up, I recommend using that line, 'cause they might not want you to help solve their issue. They might just want to tell you what's going on, and that's it.
- MRMel Robbins
You never want advice, is what I...
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah, 'cause I feel like I'm able to work things out, most of the time.
- MRMel Robbins
Most of the time. All right, we're going to probably go more and more into that, because there were a lot of questions about how you broach topics with your teens and your young adults, how you build trust, and so let's do another one. How do you teach your kids about cliquey behavior?
- OROakley Robbins
Like f- like friend group cliquey behavior?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. Yeah, like what's your, what's your whole take on cliques, Oak, and, like, what, good, bad, how parents should support kids through it, how kids should think about it?
- 13:37 – 18:40
How can you tell who "your" people are?
- OROakley Robbins
boy group in my school, and I was, I was happy about it. I thought I was. Um, and I wore jeans every day to school, and the one day that I wore shorts, one of the guys in the friend group was like, "Your legs look so weird." And then they went around and told everybody that my legs looked so weird, and then everybody was hating on my legs, and there were a few dudes that were like, "That's not cool." Like, "Don't do that." And I was like, "Those are the guys." Like, "Those are my guys."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- OROakley Robbins
Because those are the guys that are just standing up for me, even though maybe the popular dude isn't.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that. And that leads right into this question. How do I help my son deal with kids who say hurtful things? He has a very hard time ignoring them.
- OROakley Robbins
Hm. Um... I mean, when people say hurtful things, which... (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
What are you look-
- OROakley Robbins
I just like... (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
We got a lot of questions.
- OROakley Robbins
You turned the page and I'm like, "Holy shit."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
Okay, um...
- MRMel Robbins
We have a lot of questions.
- OROakley Robbins
Um, and we'll get to them all. Um, when people say hurtful things to other people-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- OROakley Robbins
... nine times out of 10, it is because they are in a world of hurt right now.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- OROakley Robbins
Whether that be family, uh, friends, maybe academically, there's always something wrong with their life and they're taking out their frustration on somebody else.
- MRMel Robbins
So you can know that, because I believe that's true.
- OROakley Robbins
But it still hurts-
- MRMel Robbins
Correct.
- OROakley Robbins
... when people say things.
- MRMel Robbins
So how in the moment, when somebody says your legs are weird, or they call you some name, or they, you know, leave you out, or, or something you've experienced, is when you always end up being the person in a game-
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... that's it.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
So, you're, you're subtly getting picked on and excluded because the whole point of whatever game you're playing in phys ed or whatever, it's like, "Go after Oakley."
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And you start to realize that everybody's out for you.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
So when it's happening, you can say to yourself, "Well, people are just doing this to me because they hate their life."
- 18:40 – 24:42
What teens need (and don’t need) from their parents.
- MRMel Robbins
little shit.
- OROakley Robbins
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Your message though to parents is don't get yourself involved in the little shit.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm. If it starts becoming racist, dangerous, your kid is feeling, uh, depressed, things like that, then you may want to-
- MRMel Robbins
You definitely should.
- OROakley Robbins
...possibly reach out, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
You definitely should.
- OROakley Robbins
Then you should reach out to the school, reach out to the parents, you want to do something. Um, but if it's little stuff, name-calling, uh, teasing, just make fun out of it basically.
- MRMel Robbins
Or help your kid.
- OROakley Robbins
Or help your kid.
- MRMel Robbins
Or figure out what your kid needs.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, 'cause I think that this is, like, a constant theme is that your role... Well, you know what? Actually, I've got a question right here.
- OROakley Robbins
Perfect.
- MRMel Robbins
Um, what do teens need from their parents? Like, what reminders, what role should we be playing?
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah, uh, the... Actually last night, I was-
- MRMel Robbins
Uh-oh, what did I do?
- OROakley Robbins
You didn't do anything. I was at my school presenting parent tips to a bunch of parents. (laughing)
- MRMel Robbins
You were? Why were you doing that?
- OROakley Robbins
'Cause I'm a senior mentor at my school, which basically means I'm assigned a group of first years who I look over and I can help with social issues or academic issues and things like that. And so I was asked by the school to come in last night and give a presentation to parents just saying, "Here's some tips for your new high school, uh, ninth graders."
- MRMel Robbins
So the freshmen, freshman parents?
- OROakley Robbins
We don't call them freshmen.
- MRMel Robbins
What do you call them?
- OROakley Robbins
First years.
- MRMel Robbins
First years, okay.
- OROakley Robbins
And, uh, while I was there after my presentation, our headmaster got up and he gave a speech. And what he said, which I will repeat to you guys, is just that when you have a kid, you are a coach, and coaches never play in the game. They can give advice and they can watch, but they cannot get on the field. I'm, like, blanking on what the question was, but... (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
But, so that's the role of a parent.
- OROakley Robbins
That's the role of the parent. You can give advice, you can cheer, you can watch, um, you can support, but you can never step on the field, you can't play for your kid, you're just there for them.
- MRMel Robbins
Got it. So that's what... And, and specifically, what are some of the things that every young adult and teenager needs to hear from the adults in their life or from their parents?
- OROakley Robbins
That you're proud of them.
- 24:42 – 28:54
At what age do you think your teen should have a phone?
- OROakley Robbins
And so the later your child gets a phone, it's, I mean, it's not going to hurt them.
- MRMel Robbins
But what about the bullying? Like you got a first-year student that rolls into high school and-
- OROakley Robbins
He's not going to appreciate it in the moment. Like when he's there, he's going to be like, "Man, I wish I had a phone." Honestly, people wouldn't bully him for not having a phone. That's not something that people really get bullied about for. It's more of just like, oh... Honestly, like you as a parent might get bullied by the kids because your son doesn't have a phone.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
But, um, I mean, your kid might be like, "Oh, I want a phone so bad," or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But there's, there's so much more to life than your phone and to appreciate that when you're younger is super important.
- MRMel Robbins
At what age would you say?
- OROakley Robbins
Probably 16. Like once you're allowed to have a car, I feel like you're probably allowed to get a phone as well.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, what about like your... Now I'm like playing the worried parent because I'm feeling this anxiety like, okay, but I'm running late and I need to reach you.
- OROakley Robbins
Get him like a flip phone.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, so a flip phone's cool. You're talking a smartphone.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah. I mean, like an iPhone, Android, like something like that.
- MRMel Robbins
Gotcha, so a flip phone.
- OROakley Robbins
That can access like internet like...
- MRMel Robbins
Gotcha. So you're just talking a flip phone, so you can text your kid. That is fine.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
But you do not need a, a full-on smartphone?
- OROakley Robbins
No, because also everyone's going to have one. Like everybody's going to have one. And I bet your kid probably has like an Xbox or a computer or something that they can also access and connect with their friends on. So it's not the end of the world if they don't have a smartphone till they're like 16.
- MRMel Robbins
Um, here's a question. Mom of a 17-year-old senior. She has no clue what she wants to study in college yet.
- OROakley Robbins
That is totally fine. I mean, I say to my friends and, uh, whoever asks that I want to study psychology. Um, I've actually never taken the class before. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
So... (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Why, why do you want to study psychology? (laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
Because like it's, you, you kind of work in that field and, um, I don't... I mean, you work in the wellness field of psychology, and I think it would be interesting to learn more about the human brain and things like that. I actually am taking the class now, but I haven't taken it before, but I came up with the idea to major in psychology way before I started the class. Um, and it's totally fine, even when you get to college, I'm pretty sure you don't need to pick your major yet.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm. There you go.
- OROakley Robbins
And you may hear people say, "Oh, I already know my major," and it sounds like everybody does, but not a lot of people do. Nobody really knows what's going on.
- MRMel Robbins
Gotcha. What do you eat for breakfast?
- OROakley Robbins
What do I eat for breakfast?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. Listener wants to know.
- OROakley Robbins
Really?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- 28:54 – 32:33
Two best hacks for introverted teens everywhere.
- OROakley Robbins
it shows your teachers you're paying attention, and two, I think when I participate in class, it also helps me feel like I am, uh, paying attention and getting what I need out of the class. If you are not already a senior, my one recommendation would be to take like a drama class because-
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- OROakley Robbins
Just 'cause those classes always go into, uh, public speaking and all that kind of stuff. So if you aren't a senior and you got time, like take a drama class. They will teach you how to project. They'll teach you how to be more confident. Nine times out of 10 you'll probably have a show performance that you have to do at the end of the year where you will have to stand up in front of a group of people and say a few lines. So that, but if you don't have the time to do that, I think it's important to know that when you speak in class, people aren't going to be listening for you to mess up or they're, they're not even going to be listening half the time.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
Most of the time like people are probably sitting in class dead asleep, uh, doing their own thing, playing a game on their phone, texting a friend. Um-
- MRMel Robbins
Is that your phone buzzing? Get it off the table.
- OROakley Robbins
Was it buzzing?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- OROakley Robbins
Oh, it was, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
Sorry about that. Ugh. All right. Where was I? Please.
- MRMel Robbins
I don't know. Uh-
- OROakley Robbins
Uh, nine times out of 10 they're paying attention to their phones, they are not really present in class. But for you to get what you need out of the class, I do recommend that you...... uh, get your hand up and say something. Because the best way to get over your fear is to jump right in and do it.
- MRMel Robbins
That's true, and I l- what a fabulous suggestion. Never would have thought of that. Uh, Oakley?
- OROakley Robbins
Hmm?
- MRMel Robbins
What are you trying to improve on this year?
- OROakley Robbins
Oh, love this.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
Um, what am I trying to improve on this year? You know, I had a pretty good year last year, pretty good year the year before. I just like, I just want to make the most of this year. Maybe that's not improving, but... No, I want to improve my ability to be present and appreciate where I am and be happy, because I know this year's gonna fly by and I'm in love with where I am, and I just want to be here and, um, keep it going. So I'm trying to improve my ability at being present right now.
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, it, as your mom, it's just so amazing to hear you say, "I'm in love with where I am right now." (laughs) You stop-
- OROakley Robbins
Oh, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
No, don't, don't make fun, that's a-
- OROakley Robbins
I'm not. I'm not.
- MRMel Robbins
... big fucking deal. Why are you in love with where you are? Like, what are the components? Because you haven't always.
- OROakley Robbins
I have not always loved-
- MRMel Robbins
... been-
- OROakley Robbins
... where I have been. Um, well, I love the location. We're in a beautiful mountain-y state. It's gorgeous. Uh, I love my school, uh, I love my teachers, I love the sports I play, I love my friends. I love seeing them every day. Uh, I love my family, like I love coming home and seeing you guys every day. Um, I feel like I just have so much that I love and value right here, where I need it, like at my fingertips. And I, and I would say that I'm not taking it for granted. Of course not. But it's definitely just like, since I love it so much and it's moving incredibly fast.
- MRMel Robbins
It is moving fast. Um, how do you encourage your kids to make friends without being pushy and them getting upset? Like, you know, how do you, how do you advise somebody, like, 'cause we've all been in that stage where we want to be friends with people.
- 32:33 – 37:07
How can you help your kids find their friends?
- MRMel Robbins
- OROakley Robbins
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
And it's not reciprocated.
- OROakley Robbins
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
And you get needy.
- OROakley Robbins
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
Or you start to feel like, "They're leaving me out." And-
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... not everybody needs to be your friend. So how do you help somebody find their people and stay true to themselves?
- OROakley Robbins
I would encourage them to sign up for after-school sports clubs, um, get involved in things other than classes, for sure.
- MRMel Robbins
Why?
- OROakley Robbins
Because those types of things really bring you... I mean, first off, if you sign up for a club that you're interested in, you'll be brought into a room of 20 other people that are interested in the same exact thing as you. So, I mean, instantly right there, like you're most likely going to make a connection. Um, but it also encourages you to go out of your way and try something new, and it gives you that skill to maybe branch out and say hi to somebody. But I would also just encourage them to, uh, just like go for it sometimes.
- MRMel Robbins
What does that mean?
- OROakley Robbins
Like, my fresh- my first year of high school, sorry, can't be calling anybody a freshman, um, my ninth grade experience, I didn't know anybody. I had just moved from Massachusetts. And if I saw somebody that I thought looked interesting, I was like, all right, like, I might make myself look like an idiot, but I just gotta go up to this person and be like, "Hey," like, "what's up?" Like, "What are you doing?"
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
Um, and I can assure you, the first time I asked them to hang out, like that was awkward. I was like, "So," like, "you don't know me. Want to do something?" (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
And they were like, "I guess." (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
I was like, "Okay." Um, and it's also nice to reassure your kids that, uh, the first person you meet isn't always going to be your best friend.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- OROakley Robbins
So if they do meet somebody, just let them know that, like, you shouldn't try and hold onto them right at the beginning, because they may not be the person for you, and you will find your people.
- MRMel Robbins
Gotcha. Um, let's stay in this lane.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I'm in a new school-
- OROakley Robbins
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
... where everyone seems to know each other.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And it feels like alone is written on my forehead.
- OROakley Robbins
Hmm. Hmm. Okay. Well, I can assure you that alone is not written on your forehead. I can promise you that. Um, I can promise you that if people are passing you in the hallway, they are not looking at you and saying, "Oh, this person has no friends. This person's so lonely. They're such a loser." Um, my advice to you, like I said a little bit earlier, is just sometimes you gotta go for it. Um, not everything is going to be given to you, and the best way to grow or to have the best experiences is to put yourself out there. And so for you, I would recommend, again, joining a club, joining a sport. But also just, if you see somebody doing something in the hallway, like let's say you are sitting in class and you look over to your right and someone's on their phone and they're playing like a phone game that you know and you really like, just be like, "Oh, I love that game," like, just like, "Want to play it right now?" Like, "Let's, let's, let's do it." Um, and-
- 37:07 – 40:48
My teen is a senior in high school, but he still has chores at home.
- MRMel Robbins
- OROakley Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
I'm paying attention to this one.
- OROakley Robbins
When it, when it comes... Yeah. I'm not the best at doing my chores. I'll be honest. I'll call myself out. When it comes to chores, like, you gotta put your foot down sometimes. But I guess it depends on, like, what kind of chores you're, uh, asking for. Like, are you controlling his life with the chores or is it like, can you empty the dishwasher every now and then? Um, if you're having him be your gardener every week and mow the lawn and put, plant your flowers and wash your windows and all that, maybe, maybe, uh, give him a little bit of a break. Let him run free a little bit more. Um, but I mean, if it's like little things like clean your room, can you clean the kitchen for me today, uh, do the dishes, like many things that are only going to take him 30 minutes, I wouldn't... I'd say you're fine.
- MRMel Robbins
So how do you get them to do it though? Like, 'cause I think that's the thing.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah. To get them to do it, I mean, you just gotta put your foot down. Like, sometimes you gotta be the bad guy.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, what I find with you is that getting you to remember to do it is impossible.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah. (laughs) Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
But asking you to do... "Hey, Oak, could you clear the table? Hey, Oak, could you feed the dogs?"
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"Hey, Oak, could you help me with this? Hey, Oak..."
- OROakley Robbins
If it's like a right then, like right then and there thing. Like, if it's not like, "Can you do this in an hour?" 'Cause I'm gonna forget in an hour. Or, maybe I'll just be like, "Oh, it's fine.
- MRMel Robbins
I don't know. It's been an hour, like, I don't need to..." But I do notice you're extremely amenable when I ask.
- OROakley Robbins
Yes. If you and I are face to face, we're sitting in the room and you're like, "It's five o'clock. Can you feed the dogs?" Yeah. If it's right there, they will do it. Clean the table, do the dishes, they'll do it. Like, if you're there watching them, they're gonna do it.
- MRMel Robbins
And let's say you're dealing with somebody who's got a lot of anger or grumpiness or has beef with their family.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And so you as the parent, you ask them to do something, and you get attitude. Like, do... 'Cause, 'cause I think as a parent, where I typically want to go is, "Listen, asshole."
- OROakley Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
"I pay the bills."
- OROakley Robbins
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
You get-
- OROakley Robbins
You've pulled that card a few times.
- MRMel Robbins
I have?
- OROakley Robbins
I mean, yes, you have.
- MRMel Robbins
And what does that feel like when-
- OROakley Robbins
It's annoying. It's so annoying. But I-
- MRMel Robbins
But-
- OROakley Robbins
It's understandable. It is very understandable. I think what's always kind of nice is you're like, "Oh, I'll help you out." Like, "I'll, I'll do it with you." Like, when Dad's like, "Can you do the dishes?" And I'm like, "Ooh." And he's like, "I'll do it with you." And then it makes it feel like less of a chore and a burden.
- MRMel Robbins
That's true.
- OROakley Robbins
Because you're get- 'cause you're getting the help.
- 40:48 – 45:38
Oakley gives you a peek into his own anxiety to help your anxious teen.
- OROakley Robbins
And it was very overbearing. It was very, uh, scary. And I felt very alone for a lot of it, and I felt very misunderstood. And my advice to you is that if it is feeling like you cannot live your life anymore, you should seek a therapist or you should tell somebody. Maybe not a therapist. Tell a parent, tell a friend, just tell anybody. That is huge. That's the first step. 'Cause then you're not letting it run their, run your life. You're showing that you're in control. You can tell people what's going on.
- MRMel Robbins
Can I ask a question?
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
So when you say you can't live your life, do you mean an- the anxiety is getting to a point where you're, like, opting out of doing things?
- OROakley Robbins
Yes. Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
You're managing your anxiety-
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... because your anxiety... You're so worried about your anxiety-
- OROakley Robbins
That you're like not living your life. Like, your friends are all hanging out, and they're going out to dinner, and you're too anxious, so you're just like, "I don't want to be anxious, like, I don't want to go." That's-
- MRMel Robbins
And that was you?
- OROakley Robbins
That was me. So that's when you should start telling somebody. Um, I have two things I want to add onto that. I said something about therapy. Uh, therapy is great. I love therapy. I have a great therapist. And second is medication is also great. I... When I took medication as a kid, I was like, "I'm different from everybody," like, "I have to take medication because I have a problem. There's something wrong with me." But there's nothing wrong with you if you take medication. I mean, every... Like, literally everybody takes medication.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
(laughs) Like, I take it, I take it all the... Advil's like medication. Like, there's-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
... nothing wrong with you if you're taking medication for anxiety. And honestly, if you're taking medication, like, you're going to be able to live your life better. You're going to be able to go out to that dinner with your friends. You're going to be able to go on that walk or that run. You're going to have a good time.
- MRMel Robbins
And so-
- OROakley Robbins
So-
- MRMel Robbins
... do what you need to do to get the anxiety under control.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah. And I recommend, if you don't know where to start, just tell somebody. Tell somebody. And tell them everything, like, don't leave some stuff out. Don't be like, "Hey, I'm kind of anxious every now and then." Be like, "I am anxious, and it is terrifying every day."
- MRMel Robbins
Great. And here's the other thing, the tools and strategies that are out there actually work.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah, they do work.
- MRMel Robbins
And anxiety is a- is a scary thing, but it's temporary if you follow the tools and strategies that work.
- OROakley Robbins
It is 100% temporary, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. And you will feel better.
- OROakley Robbins
The best feeling, I can assure you, is when you look back and you're like, "I was at a bottomless pit, and now I'm outside and I'm looking back at it, and I'm like, 'Wow, like, I felt that way? That's crazy.'"
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, you don't even, you can't even believe that you felt that bad.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-mm.
- MRMel Robbins
That was me a year... Do you remember Mother's Day a year ago?
- OROakley Robbins
I remember a lot of things a year ago (laughs) .
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) .
- 45:38 – 50:31
How do you reassure your kid when he’s dyslexic?
- OROakley Robbins
- MRMel Robbins
Help.
- OROakley Robbins
I like this question because when I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a kid, I was... I felt the same way. I was like, "I'm so dumb." Like, "I can't read. I can't believe this. Like, I'm dumber than everybody." And I, like, remember you'd be like, "Well, the people on Shark Tank are dyslexic." And I was like-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) .
- OROakley Robbins
... "Shut the fuck up." Like, "I don't care about the people on Shark Tank."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) .
- OROakley Robbins
"They don't matter, all right? They could be dyslexic, but they're also multimillionaires." Like, "I'm- I'm 11, all right? What do I have, all right? I have $2 to my name."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) .
- OROakley Robbins
Um (laughs) , but-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) .
- OROakley Robbins
But what I'm gonna say is that, uh, there's a lot of techniques and skills you can learn to make dyslexia more manageable. Um, it's also different for everybody. Uh, it's different in that sense. Um, but you are not dumb if you are dyslexic. Um, you... What's actually happening is that, and correct me if I'm wrong on this, but, like, the scientific thing is that your neural... your, uh, your neural pathways, like, take longer to form. And so you can have the same, uh, strong neural pathways as other people, it just takes a little bit longer to get there. Is that...
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- OROakley Robbins
Is that right? Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Basically, your brain wiring is a little bit different, and there are techniques and strategies that you can use to really... Like, you basically had your dyslexia remediated-
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... by-
- OROakley Robbins
You can- you can have it, like, put, like, pushed down.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, because you're... you- you just basically train your brain to wire and fire new neural pathway connections, and it's called Orton-Gillingham. That is the gold standard, uh, tutoring method. And so it's not about trying harder, and that's what is really important. Your brain learns differently. And because you're dyslexic, you have profoundly different talents.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
You know, you're being asked to sit in a classroom and do things that your brain is not firing to do, but I bet that you are way more creative than everybody else.
- OROakley Robbins
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
I bet that you can solve problems in creative ways.
- OROakley Robbins
For sure.
- MRMel Robbins
I bet you are probably more talkative.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah, definitely.
- MRMel Robbins
I bet you have much better profound spatial awareness, meaning you're phenomenal at video games-
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and at LEGOs-
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and about building things.
- 50:31 – 52:15
The two qualities I think of first when it comes to curfews.
- OROakley Robbins
you don't know who's driving-
- MRMel Robbins
Correct.
- OROakley Robbins
...you don't know how they're feeling, if they're intoxicated or not. And so if you want to go home and sleep in your own bed, you have to be willing to sacrifice the fact that you should probably be home by like-
- MRMel Robbins
Midnight.
- OROakley Robbins
...midnight. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep, yep.
- OROakley Robbins
And so I... And if you want to be later, just spend the night at your friend's house.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, and you know, here's the other thing. I, um, instead of curfew, I think about safety and location.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And keep in mind, it really relates to where you live. So we live in a rural area where there are no Ubers. And I am obsessive about the driving piece because-
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
...I lost a family friend to a drinking and driving accident when I was in high school.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And it was a really traumatic experience, and so I place more emphasis on being safe and on not driving-
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
...than I do on the curfew and the drinking or whatever else the kids may be doing itself.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I want them to be safe, and so that's why I say midnight. Either you're going somewhere and you have to come home by midnight, and that means you're not drinking, and you're not smoking, you're not doing all this shit 'cause you're coming home and I'm gonna be there, or you're gonna stay overnight. And the same is true with our house. Nobody leaves our house.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
If you're coming to our house-
- OROakley Robbins
No, yeah, if you're coming here.
- MRMel Robbins
...I'm not policing everybody, 'cause all these kids sneak shit, but I get the keys and you're spending the night.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Otherwise, you're not coming-
- OROakley Robbins
Everybody spends the night.
- MRMel Robbins
...or your parents are picking you up.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And they respect it.
- OROakley Robbins
They do. You have to enforce that though, as a parent. Like, you gotta...
- MRMel Robbins
Yep. Um, do you want to be the, quote, house that all the friends come to?
- 52:15 – 55:57
Here was my #1 desire for my Vermont home when it came to my kids.
- OROakley Robbins
love my friends, love them to the moon and back, and they love this house so much in fact that they just show up-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
...sometimes without me even knowing. (laughs) Sometimes I won't be here and I'll get a text and it'll be like, "Yo, where are you? I'm here." And I'm like, "I didn't invite you over."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
They're like, "Well, I'm here." Um, and I think... I feel like that's more of a question for you 'cause just like for me, like I always love seeing my friends, and like we are able to accommodate them, so of course I'd love to be the house to have them.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, are you, do you feel any pressure?
- OROakley Robbins
No.
- MRMel Robbins
Or is there anything on you that it's, you know, that everybody wants to be here?
- OROakley Robbins
N- I mean, no. 'Cause like all my friends have come here so much that they get, they understand what works and what doesn't, what they can and can't do. And so it's gotten to a point where I don't really need to police anybody.
- MRMel Robbins
Gotcha.
- OROakley Robbins
And it's, and it's really nice.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- OROakley Robbins
Um, and I, I mean, I'm a sucker for sleeping in my own bed, so-
- MRMel Robbins
That's true.
- OROakley Robbins
...you know, if all my friends are coming over, of course.
- MRMel Robbins
W-
- OROakley Robbins
But for you, it's your, it's your house, so.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. So, so we've been... This is our third rodeo because you have two older sisters.
- OROakley Robbins
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
And we lived outside of Boston when they were in high school, and the fact is, I would have loved to have been the house.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I grew up in a house that, uh, kids hung out, friends were constantly coming and going. Um, and we were not that house outside of Boston. We lived in a small farmhouse. It had a dirt basement-
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
...with a very short ceiling, and even when we ultimately cemented the basement, you could barely stand up in it, so that wasn't an option. We didn't have a playroom or a separate room for the kids to hang out in.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-mm.
- MRMel Robbins
And, um, you know, it was just like a long, narrow house, and kids... M- our daughter Sawyer didn't want to bring her friends there 'cause they wanted to be doing all kinds of shit, right? You know-
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
...that high schoolers do.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And all her other friends had basements or had party barns or had, uh, like a playroom that became the teen hangout.
- 55:57 – 59:28
I literally sat Oakley’s friends down and laid down two rules for hanging out.
- MRMel Robbins
I love having all the kids here, but I'm not your fucking maid.
- OROakley Robbins
Right. That's, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay? So like, if I'm hosting you kids, don't, don't turn me into your maid.
- OROakley Robbins
Which we don't.
- MRMel Robbins
No, you don't. And do not, like, turn me in, like do not make me feel like I'm getting taken advantage of.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And do not make a big mess for me to clean up.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And so, I have sat all of Oakley's friends down, I've made it very clear you're welcome here all the time, and I have two rules. You need to leave this barn the way you found it.
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Which means the trash in the trash, the counters wiped down, the shit put away that you pulled out-
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and you have to make the bunk beds.
- OROakley Robbins
It's a religious thing. Like every morning after we wake up, we're just like, all right, like make the bed. Like there's photos in the bunker-
- MRMel Robbins
No, so, tell them what I did.
- OROakley Robbins
Yeah, so-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
... she actually did sit everybody down and like-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
... (laughs) I actually fully recommend that. Actually, before I go on, I would like to say one thing about the do you want the, the house. If you're not the type of person that doesn't want a bunch of kids running around your house, you don't have to be the house.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- OROakley Robbins
Like if you want that and you can have it, go for it. It's so much fun, fully recommend it. But if you don't want it, don't do it. It's not the end of the world. Um, but to go on, uh, you sat everybody down, you talked to them, and if you're worried that the kids are gonna think you're the bad guy or you're evil, like they know. They understand that it's your house and you have a few rules, and my friends are totally fine with it. And so, my mom printed out a step-by-step like photo thing that's-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
... in the bunk room still, and it's just there. (laughs) I mean, we don't even need to look at it anymore 'cause we know it by heart. But it's like, we wake up, make the beds, go out, clean the room, and then yeah. It, it never takes that long, like it's always good.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, and here, what he's talking about is bunk beds are a pain in the ass to make.
- OROakley Robbins
Oh my god, the top ones are such a pain.
- MRMel Robbins
And-
- OROakley Robbins
But we still do it.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes. Because I'd be angry-
- OROakley Robbins
(laughs)
- 59:28 – 1:03:16
So how do you get your teen to listen to this interview?
- OROakley Robbins
gonna be a part two?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes. So we're gonna do a part two because dude, I'm only halfway through my stack and I know we're gonna be bombarded with more. So are you down for part two?
- OROakley Robbins
I am down for part two, part three, part four.
- MRMel Robbins
Let's go.
- OROakley Robbins
Let's go.
- MRMel Robbins
Let's go. Um, I'm getting a lot out of this actually.
- OROakley Robbins
I am too. I'm loving this. I love the questions. I'm loving the questions everyone's asking.
- MRMel Robbins
I am too. Um, and so, part two coming up. Thank you for all your questions everybody. Anything you want to say in closing?
- OROakley Robbins
Uh, keep asking questions. Keep being curious, you know? And, uh, yeah. Just-
- MRMel Robbins
How do you get your son or daughter to listen to this? Like if you're the parent and you've heard this...
- OROakley Robbins
Mm-mm, trap them in the car. Like you're like-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OROakley Robbins
... go, (laughs) like going somewhere, be like, "Turn this on. Like let's listen to this." But you could also, I mean, they might not really care that somebody close to their age is listening to it. But, um, actually two things.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OROakley Robbins
Two things, two things, two things. One, okay, three things, three things. (laughs) Okay. So, trap them in the car 'cause that's always a great way to do it. Be like, "Give me your headphones, like just listen to this." Sometimes you gotta force it. Two is maybe they don't wanna listen to a full hour, so find a 10-minute segment that you really like and just be like, "Can you listen to this 10-minute segment with me? Um, I think you'd take something out of it. Like it relates to something that I think you might be going through." And then, what was the third one? Uh, three, I don't know if this one's gonna work, but just say that there's a kid who's close to their age talking in it and voicing his concerns and stuff.
- MRMel Robbins
Awesome.I love that.
- OROakley Robbins
I... Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
A- a- a- another piece of great advice, Oak.
- OROakley Robbins
Thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
You're so wise, you must get it from your dad.
- OROakley Robbins
I think so.
- MRMel Robbins
I think so, too. All right, well, in case no one else tells you today, I wanna tell you, I love you.
- OROakley Robbins
I love you, too.
- MRMel Robbins
And I believe in you.
- OROakley Robbins
I believe in you as well.
- MRMel Robbins
And, um, I believe in your ability to create a life that you love.
- OROakley Robbins
I do, too.
- MRMel Robbins
Now go do it.
- OROakley Robbins
Yes, you should.
- MRMel Robbins
All right, we'll talk to you in a few days.
Episode duration: 1:03:16
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