This Simple Mind Hack Will Help You Overcome Any Fear

1. 0:00 – 2:14

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:03

      We're gonna talk about fear and how fear and nerves are holding you back. So if you get nervous before you have to give a speech, this is an episode for you. If you get nervous about flying, episode for you. If you get nervous about making a cold call, this episode and the simple research I'm gonna teach you will change your life, your brain, your nervous system forever. And so today, whew, we are flipping the script. And I'm gonna teach you how to take control of your life and your brain and your nervous system. This stuff is so freaking cool. Oh my gosh. Hey. It's Mel, and welcome to an incredible episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast. So I was talking with my team about the upcoming holidays here in the United States, and we were just kind of talking about what everybody's plans were. And Cameron, who's one of the producers on the show, mentioned that she had this big trip planned. And so I said, "Well, that's awesome." And she said, "Yeah, but..." And then she said something so relatable, at least it was relatable to me. She said, "I'm really excited about the trip, except I'm so nervous about the flight." Now, that's what we're gonna talk about today. We're gonna talk about fear and how fear and nerves are holding you back. And I asked Cameron, I said, "Cameron, you probably don't want to come on the podcast, but would you come on the podcast and allow me to coach you through your fear of flying?" Because one of the things that I want to tell you is that I used to be afraid of flying, and you're gonna hear more about that, terrified of flying. And a couple years ago, I learned this really amazing piece of research from Harvard Business School that I have used over and over and over again, not

2. 2:14 – 7:46

   Research: Harvard Business School study how to stop fear and anxiety

   1. MRMel Robbins2:14

      only to conquer my fear of flying, but I use it in any situation where I am nervous. And this simple piece of research is gonna help you not only conquer your fears, but is going to teach you how to take control in moments where nerves either stop you or they impact how you perform. So if you get nervous before you have to give a speech, this is an episode for you. If you get nervous about flying, episode for you. If you get nervous about making a cold call or applying for a big job or singing in public or you get nervous before you take a test, this episode and the simple research I'm gonna teach you will change your life, your brain, your nervous system forever. And I can tell you that because what I'm about to share with you and teach you and walk Cameron through is not only gonna get Cameron on that plane, it is gonna get you through any situation that you feel nervous about. It's gonna teach you how to take control. This stuff is so freaking cool. And I'm excited about it because I've been teaching this on stages around the world for years, and so I not only know that it works in my life, I not only know that what I'm about to teach you works because of the research, but I have proof. I have proof. Uh, Makuto uses what I'm about to teach you to tame OCD. Lynn, who is a nurse, is no longer nervous about public speaking, and that's changed her career. Emma has used what you're about to learn to stop panic attacks and her fear about leaving the house and going to school. Len used this simple strategy you're about to learn and Cameron's about to learn to nail and land a job during a job interview. Dan conquered his fear of heights. And Marin, Marin used what you're about to learn to get two promotions. This is a game changer, so get ready. And you're also going to want to share this with your kids, with people that you love, because one of the things that I know is that if you allow yourself to get hijacked by your nerves, that feeling of being nervous will not only stop you, it impacts how you perform on tests, it impacts how you perform at work. And so today, whew, we are flipping the script, and I'm gonna teach you how to take control of your life and your brain and your nervous system. This stuff is so freaking cool. Oh my gosh. So before I bring Cameron on, I want you to stop and think, what is something that you're afraid to do? Or what is a situation where you get really, really nervous and it impacts your ability to be a top performer? Like maybe, for example, you've been thinking about taking an improv class, but you get nervous when you go to sign up. Maybe you've been wanting a bigger role at work, but you get nervous when you think about the amount of presenting you're gonna have to do. Maybe you have tried to take the MCATs or the LSAT or the bar exam over and over and over again, but you get nervous and you blow it. Or maybe your kids are applying to college and their nerves are getting the best of them. This is a game changer. So I want you to think about that situation, because while I'm gonna coach Cameron on her fear of flying and I'm gonna teach her how to use research to take control and to get on that plane and, dare I say, enjoy the flight, this will work for any situation that you get nervous about too.Okay, Cameron.

   2. CACameron6:08

      (laughs)

   3. MRMel Robbins6:08

      Let's talk about what's going on.

   4. CACameron6:11

      Hi.

   5. MRMel Robbins6:11

      Hi, Cameron.

   6. CACameron6:12

      How's it going? (laughs)

   7. MRMel Robbins6:12

      (laughs) I'm great. Are you, are, uh, like how are you doing?

   8. CACameron6:16

      I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good. I'm excited to conquer this fear. I'm curious to hear what you have to share.

   9. MRMel Robbins6:24

      Okay, so tell me what's going on.

   10. CACameron6:26

       So, I have a pretty exciting trip planned for the holidays. I'm going to Portugal.

   11. MRMel Robbins6:33

       And who are you going with?

   12. CACameron6:34

       And I'm going with my mom and my twin brother, and we're meeting my sister who's in London right now, but she'll be traveling there to meet us.

   13. MRMel Robbins6:45

       Okay.

   14. CACameron6:47

       I am really excited about this trip. I think it's a place I've always wanted to go, beautiful country. But every time I think about it, instead of actually having that excitement towards the trip, it's this pit of anxiety and fear around am I even gonna get there because I have this long flight ahead of me.

   15. MRMel Robbins7:10

       Meaning am I gonna get on the plane or is the plane gonna make it to Portugal?

   16. CACameron7:16

       (laughs) Is the plane gonna make it to Portugal?

   17. MRMel Robbins7:20

       Gotcha.

   18. CACameron7:21

       Yeah.

   19. MRMel Robbins7:21

       How many days from now is this flight?

   20. CACameron7:26

       Um, couple weeks right before Christmas.

   21. MRMel Robbins7:29

       And since this is a couple weeks away-

   22. CACameron7:34

       Mm-hmm.

   23. MRMel Robbins7:35

       ... are you feeling nervous yet?

   24. CACameron7:39

       Yes. Yes, definitely.

   25. MRMel Robbins7:42

       Describe what that means for you.

3. 7:46 – 11:32

   How nervousness feels manifests in the body

   1. MRMel Robbins7:46

   2. CACameron7:46

      For me, it's just like this impending doom, I guess. Like, this anticipation of a really traumatizing experience. Not to be dramatic, but, like, it's, it's this pit in my stomach any time I start to think about it. You know, just the normal anxiety tr- tendencies come up. Like, my chest feels heavy. I have that, like, pit in my stomach and, I don't know, like, my mind just goes into a million different directions and none of them are positive. They're all just what ifs. What if this, what if that?

   3. MRMel Robbins8:31

      And does it get worse the closer you get to actually having to get on that plane and take that trip?

   4. CACameron8:38

      Yeah. I mean, there's always this element of denial, like, I'm not actually gonna do it. (laughs) And then I will eventually be faced with getting on that airplane, and that is kind of when the, when it really clicks of this plane, like, is not gonna make it there. I, like, need to make sure I tell everyone I love them. Those kind of really irrational feelings come to surface at that point.

   5. MRMel Robbins9:10

      So I want to tell you something. You may not know this about me, but I used to be a nervous flyer.

   6. CACameron9:21

      (laughs)

   7. MRMel Robbins9:21

      And I used to have the exact same feelings, the pit in my stomach. I would constantly entertain the thought, "Well, maybe I just won't go."

   8. CACameron9:32

      Mm-hmm.

   9. MRMel Robbins9:33

      I used to, when I was flying home to Western Michigan to see my parents for Christmas, I would send the presents ahead-

   10. CACameron9:41

       (laughs)

   11. MRMel Robbins9:41

       ... because I wanted to make sure that if the plane went down and I died on that flight that they got the presents. And it would get worse and worse and worse as the date for travel would approach. And I noticed as I became an adult, um, and I had to book my own tickets, my nervousness would also interfere with my ability to book the ticket because I would look at the flight options, and I would feel like I was playing Russian roulette. And I had to pick-

   12. CACameron10:16

       (laughs)

   13. MRMel Robbins10:17

       ... the right plane-

   14. CACameron10:18

       Yeah.

   15. MRMel Robbins10:18

       ... because only one of these planes was gonna make it. And so, I don't know if you feel any of this kinda stuff, but I would delay booking the flights, and the next thing you know, there are no cheap seats and now it's expensive and, and so it just, my nervousness, for me, was more than a pit in my stomach. Does this sound familiar?

   16. CACameron10:37

       Oh, yeah. I, it's, it's almost comical when I share. Like, I'm booking these flights and also have a tab open looking at every safety rating and if there was any experience of this aircraft going down, and I'm, like, doing this research, you know? Like, this whole research project and I'm going in, uh, two hours away, you know? And it's so strange that people don't have... Maybe not strange. I'm jealous of it, but I always just assumed people went through the same thought process as me, that not everyone's panicked about if their flight is gonna make it to their destination.

   17. MRMel Robbins11:21

       Well, first of all, I think it's normal to have thoughts about your own mortality when you are in a situation

4. 11:32 – 14:21

   Lack of control heightens fear

   1. MRMel Robbins11:32

      where you're not in control. And so, I think that's normal. Second-

   2. CACameron11:37

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins11:38

      ... I think most people are somewhat nervous about flying. I mean, we are climbing onto a metal tube and we're rocketing 30,000 feet in the air-

   4. CACameron11:49

      Yeah.

   5. MRMel Robbins11:49

      ... with a bunch of people we don't know.

   6. CACameron11:51

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins11:52

      And then it starts to bounce around as we are hitting turbulence, and I think most people sit on that plane pretending that they're not terrified. And that, uh, those of us that kinda talk about it, we can laugh about it, but, you know, I've always noticed, particularly now that I can, uh, afford to fly up front in the plane, the drinks are free-And I've always been struck by the fact that, Cameron, I'd say 95% of the people that are offered a free drink take it at, like, 8:00 or 9:00 in the morning. And I don't think it's because they're alcoholics, I think it's because they're nervous. And so, I think most people are busy texting their loved ones before the- the- the plane takes off, just in case.

   8. CACameron12:42

      Yeah.

   9. MRMel Robbins12:42

      And so I want you to understand, the fear of dying is not irrational. The fear of being nervous in a situation where you have no control is not irrational. And so don't... Number one, don't make yourself wrong about it, because that just makes it worse, okay? 'Cause you're now not comforting yourself, you're rejecting your own fear, okay? And when you reject-

   10. CACameron13:07

       Yeah.

   11. MRMel Robbins13:07

       ... your fear, the fear gets louder. So when you get on the plane, are you better or are you worse?

   12. CACameron13:18

       I'm definitely worse, because it's all those thoughts coming to a head. And like you just said, it's this deep, uh, fear of not being in control. I think that's where it all stems from. And I'm definitely not an adrenaline junkie, and I don't really like (laughs) doing anything crazy that I can't control the outcome. And especially when I'm on an airplane and I don't know who I'm surrounded by, I don't know who's in charge of checking the airplane, like driving... What even is the proper term? Flying it? Uh, I just, the lack of control really creeps up on me, and I think that's really where the panic, I don't know, just solidifies, and it's a mess from there usually.

   13. MRMel Robbins14:16

       So how do you manage this? Because we all have fears, right?

5. 14:21 – 22:33

   How do you manage your fears

   1. MRMel Robbins14:21

      Or we get nervous around something. So, like, you might get nervous walking into the SAT exam, and so then we all have little strategies that we use to try to calm our nerves. Or you might get nervous before you have to present something at work or in school, and so we have little strategies that we use to calm ourselves down. So you're in the plane, you're buckled up-

   2. CACameron14:40

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins14:40

      ... you're taking off, you're sitting next to your mother and your brother, and the nerves hits. What are the little strategies that you use to try to make yourself literally be okay? Like, can you put us at the scene of a moment when you were on a plane and turbulence hit and, like, you felt, like, the spike of nervousness? What did you do?

   4. CACameron14:59

      I wish I had a strategy that I could say I lean into. Um, I would say rejecting that fear is more of the route I take, where I kind of beat myself up for having this fear in general, considering, I don't know, there's just so much more and I'm sitting here freaked out about an airplane. But I think that's usually step one, is trying to, I don't know, like, bring down that fear? Be like, "It's not even real." Like, "What are you fearful about?" Like, I think I just reject it, which is not helpful, and then that usually fails. And then from there, it becomes usually crying-

   5. MRMel Robbins15:45

      (laughs)

   6. CACameron15:45

      ... kind of like a form of a panic attack. Uh, I can directly remember my... After I graduated college in 2021, we, all- all my friends and I, we got on an airplane to Tampa, Florida. Super exciting trip. Like, we had just finished the year, riding this high, and everyone on the airplane has, like, you know, their fun hats on, everyone's, like, ordering some drinks, we just graduated. And then there's me in the corner, like, reaching for a hand, trying to find some comfort in someone, crying in the corner. Like, trying to do all the things that aren't really helpful, I guess? Which is me just being like, "Cam, like, calm down. It's fine. You're fine." So that's my coping mechanism.

   7. MRMel Robbins16:39

      So does- does telling yourself you're fine work?

   8. CACameron16:43

      No, doesn't ever work.

   9. MRMel Robbins16:45

      Does making yourself wrong work when you're nervous?

   10. CACameron16:50

       No.

   11. MRMel Robbins16:51

       Does telling-

   12. CACameron16:51

       It doesn't.

   13. MRMel Robbins16:52

       ... yourself to calm down ever work when you're nervous?

   14. CACameron16:56

       No. (laughs)

   15. MRMel Robbins16:58

       Yeah.

   16. CACameron16:58

       No.

   17. MRMel Robbins16:58

       And let me tell you why. Because you can be two things at once. You can be terrified, and you can find the courage to face it.

   18. CACameron17:09

       Mm-hmm.

   19. MRMel Robbins17:09

       You can be nervous about getting on a plane, and-

   20. CACameron17:13

       Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins17:13

       ... you can also get on that plane and coach yourself through the feelings of nerves. And when you invalidate yourself for very real fears...

   22. CACameron17:24

       Yeah.

   23. MRMel Robbins17:25

       And, you know, it's not the fear of crashing, it's the fear of dying. When you- when you invalidate very real fears, you make the fear bigger. And so first thing's first, Cameron, I want you to understand it is okay to have this fear. It's normal to be a nervous flyer. And that can be true, and you can use simple strategies backed by science to take control in a situation when you're normally nervous or afraid. And that's what I wanna teach you to do, because I believe that this is a problem in your life because it's holding you back from doing things that you would like to do with your life.

   24. CACameron18:15

       Yeah.

   25. MRMel Robbins18:16

       If you were not nervous about flying, what are some of the things that you would do in life?

   26. CACameron18:21

       If I conquered my fear of flying, I think it would also...... have like this trickle down effect on a lot of things that I have held myself back from and just even like making it part of my personality that I'm not adventurous, like I pride myself on that because I really don't like the risk of not feeling in control. So, in terms of flying, like I'm so young and I want to be able to say that I've seen more than I have. I think everyone can probably agree on that, even if you aren't young. Um, and yeah, like you said, just even booking a ticket myself, I'm like, "Yeah, that like, you know, we'll do that next year. I'll go, I'll go see that place next year." And yeah, it's, it makes me sad to think that not only am I holding my back, myself back from seeing places I really wanna see, but s- going deeper than that, when I'm on the ground, letting that fear of, you know, not being in control, not knowing everything kind of hold me back from taking risks in my everyday life.

   27. MRMel Robbins19:45

       Yeah, and I wanna point something else out. So you are probably five weeks away from this incredible trip happening with your mom and your brother and your sister-

   28. CACameron19:59

       Yeah.

   29. MRMel Robbins19:59

       ... going to a place that you really wanna go to with people that you love.

   30. CACameron20:03

       Mm-hmm.
6. 22:33 – 24:38

   The bigger breakthrough we all need

   1. MRMel Robbins22:33

      need. That in order to enjoy your life and in order to experience all the things that you're meant to experience, learning how to-

   2. CACameron22:47

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins22:47

      ... be in those moments where you're nervous or you're afraid, and flipping it so that you can step into possibilities, so you can experience all of the incredible things that your life has to offer, like an, an amazing trip to Portugal. And to be able-

   4. CACameron23:09

      Yeah.

   5. MRMel Robbins23:09

      ... to do that, Cameron, and enjoy the five weeks leading up to it, and to be able to get on that plane and enjoy the time with your mom and your brother, and be filled with thoughts of excitement about seeing your sister, and then to be able to be in Portugal and enjoy the time there and not be consumed with thoughts about the fact that you're gonna have to fly back to Boston. See, I knew that you did that 'cause that's what I used to do.

   6. CACameron23:37

      (laughs)

   7. MRMel Robbins23:39

      What would that be like for you?

   8. CACameron23:41

      I mean, it would be really important. It's something that, I mean, this is why I'm so open to this conversation and, um, like you said, those five weeks leading up to it, already I feel that anxiety. And I think during the trip, I definitely don't want that really precious time I have with my family to be tainted by the fact that I'm sitting with anxiety about something I can't control, which is my flight home.

   9. MRMel Robbins24:14

      Yep. So here's what I'm gonna tell you. You can control it. You can't control what the plane does, but you can control what it's like to be in your body, in your head while you're on that plane.And you can control- How? How? I'm gonna teach you how. Yeah, how? I'm gonna teach you how. (laughs) 'Cause I used to be- Okay. (laughs) Here, here was Mel Robbins' old strategy. You ready for nervous flyer Mel, like, you know, circa

7. 24:38 – 31:14

   How being a nervous flier holds you back

   1. MRMel Robbins24:38

      1990s, ninet- eh, early 2000s? So first of all, um, when I woke up, and we're just gonna talk day of, 'cause I don't wanna s- I, I could s- I could spend five hours telling you all the stupid stuff I would do leading up to getting to the airport, and the way that I played roulette with which airline I would pick, and what seat I needed to be in, and all that kinda stuff. And so I, if it were a beautiful day when I woke up on the day that I flew, I would have a 50% decrease in nerves compared to a day where it was cloudy, raining or snowing. If we got bad weather, windy, wind sheers, birds flying, we're in danger zone and the nervousness spikes. Mm-hmm. The closer we're getting to the airport, Cameron, I'm starting to lose my sense of taste. I'm starting to get dry mouth. I'm starting to get sweaty palms. (laughs) I get to the airport and I am literally the nicest person you've ever met in your entire life. I am like sugar on a donut with every single airport employee because I figure that if I have good karma, God is watching, and that, um- (laughs) ... that will help me. I then, um, you know, go through baggage claim. I get to the gate very early, and when I get to the gate, Cameron, I am looking across the, uh, gate area and I'm looking for three particular types of passengers. The passengers I'm looking for in my gate area, I'm looking for somebody, a man or a woman in uniform, right? So we want somebody in the military on the plane. I'm looking for somebody in a wheelchair. I'm looking for, uh, somebody with a baby. And boy, if we have a priest, a nun, a monk, anybody that is, you know, of religious nature, boom. (snaps fingers) I'm feeling better. The nervousness has gone down a little bit 'cause I can say to myself, "If these folks are getting on my plane, God is not gonna let this plane go down." Then, that gets me on the plane. I get on the plane. Mm-hmm. I take a l- look to the left as we're boarding. I wanna see a crew cut. I wanna see a crew cut on one of the pilots because I want Air Force or Navy kinda cut. If I know that I can see military upfront on one of those pilots, I can take another deep breath so I'm ratcheting it down. Then I get in my seat and I start firing off the texts to everybody that I know and love in case this sucker goes down, and that's when the hyperventilating starts. I basically am starting to go from nervousness to anxiety and toward panic as the plane is now taking off. As we're taking off, I'm holding my breath, right? And I'm trying not to defecate in my jeans. (laughs) And then the plane does that thing after it takes off where it's like, it goes rrrr, and then all of a sudden you know where it goes to level off and it makes that weird sound where it's like vff, and it sounds like it's gonna fall out of the air. Mm-hmm. That's where I lose my shit. I literally start panic texting Chris. I grab the hand of the stranger next to me. I start hyperventilating. That's where all bets are off and I'm basically in a freaked out state. The poor person next to me is going, "Oh, my God. How did I get seated next to this freak?" And I'm slowly trying to calm myself down, and I'm basically in that state until either the seatbelt sign goes off- Mm-hmm. ... or the beverage cart comes out, because I figure once the captain has told us, the seatbelt sign is off or the beverage cart is out in the aisle, we're good. They would not release the seatbelts or release the beverage cart, right, if we weren't good. So that's how I used to deal with flying. That's how, that's, that's what my life was. And then one day, something very cruel happened. I was on a plane. It was a beautiful day. I was traveling with my family. Um, very short flight. That's another bonus when it comes to being nervous. If it's a short flight, a new plane, we're really good, beautiful day, got all those. We took off with my family hanging out and, uh, the beverage cart was in the aisle. The seatbelt signs were off, and the plane hit an air pocket, and it all of a sudden dropped. And then the airbags dropped out, and I literally (laughs) had a fricking heart attack. And you know what's interesting? Is I had spent so much time in, in my life panicking, Cameron, that when the you-know-what hit the fan, there was no panic left. Everybody else on the plane panicked. I was like, "Oh, this is how this ends?" I actually got kinda mad. And luckily, nothing happened. I mean, the captain just came on and was like, "We just hit an air pocket. Everything's fine. We're gonna just go a little lower. We don't need to wear the oxygen mask." So of course then, like complete idiots, everybody starts taking photos of themselves with the oxygen masks. And we land safely. But here's the problem with that. All of the little superstitious bargaining stuff, oh, if it's a good plane, oh, if the beverage cart, oh, if there's a crew cut, oh, if this happens, then I'm safe? Mm-hmm. I had all those things, and something happened. And so it was in that moment that I was like, "I have to figure out how to change this," because I wanna fly a lot. I wanna see the world. I don't wanna spend five weeks before a test or a big, you know, athletic meet or a flight I have to take, or some presentation that's important racked with nerves. I don't wanna sabotage my own potential. I don't wanna torture myself with all these stupid fears. And that's basically what you and I are doing when we allow the nerves, which are normal-It is normal to be nervous. What I'm here to teach you, Cameron, is you don't have to let those nerves control your life or stop you from doing what you wanna do with your life. We can flip the script on your own brain and your own nervous system, and we're gonna take a short break, and when we come back, I'm gonna walk you step-by-step-by-step through how you do it, and I'm gonna teach you this based on research from Harvard Business School. All right, so Cameron, I'm really excited. I'm gonna teach you how to create and use what I call a confidence anchor, not only when you're about to fly and you're nervous, but for any single situation where you're nervous to do something, okay? Are you ready?

8. 31:14 – 31:42

   Tool: Confidence anchor

   1. MRMel Robbins31:14

   2. CACameron31:14

      Yep.

   3. MRMel Robbins31:14

      Awesome. It's super cool. And for you listening, I want you to just hold that situation that you're nervous about. So maybe you're nervous to give a presentation at work, or maybe you have a son or a daughter who is getting recruited for a sport, and now there's all these big team matches coming up, and they're starting to get nervous. This confidence anchor is exactly what you need. So step number one is you're going to think about this situation that

9. 31:42 – 31:48

   Step #1 - Think about situation that makes you nervous

   1. MRMel Robbins31:42

      makes you nervous, okay? And we've already talked about that, Cameron. It's this flight to Portugal. Step

10. 31:48 – 32:50

    Step #2 - What makes you excited about the situation

    1. MRMel Robbins31:48

       number two is come up with something about this situation that actually makes you excited. So describe for me, Cameron, what are you excited to do when you get to Portugal?

    2. CACameron32:03

       I think the thing that I'm most excited for is to see my sister. I haven't seen her in a couple months. She's been in London. So I don't know. I th- when I, when I think about Portugal, th- there's a lot of things I'm excited for, but probably the biggest thing is just to spend time with her, and-

    3. MRMel Robbins32:24

       I love it.

    4. CACameron32:26

       Yeah.

    5. MRMel Robbins32:26

       That's perfect. Okay, great. So, you now have something related to the situation that makes you nervous that you're actually excited about, okay?

    6. CACameron32:37

       Mm-hmm.

    7. MRMel Robbins32:37

       Now number three is the most important part. Number three is now that you have something that you're excited about, I want you to close your eyes,

11. 32:50 – 36:29

    Step #3 - Bring that excitement to life with detail and repetition

    1. MRMel Robbins32:50

       and we're going to bring it to life. I want you to imagine the moment that you lay eyes on your sister for the first time in several months, and I'm imagining... Are you imagining the airport or a cobblestone street? Like, what is the scene? Describe with your eyes closed. What is she wearing? What happens?

    2. CACameron33:16

       Mm-hmm.

    3. MRMel Robbins33:16

       Describe it for us.

    4. CACameron33:18

       Well, first of all, she's probably... I don't know. She's probably mad that we're late about something.

    5. MRMel Robbins33:25

       (laughs)

    6. CACameron33:25

       But, uh, when I think about it, we're, yeah, we're in probably, like, Lisbon, where we're gonna land, and probably right outside, you know, the first glance of a new city, something that is always really exciting when you leave an airport. I think that's the best part about flying, is getting to somewhere you're, you know, anticipating seeing. Um, so I picture that. I picture her standing there, probably like in some black sweater 'cause that's usually what she's wearing, and yeah. Her, I think... Seeing her face reacting to my mom, me, and my brother, that's gonna be like the best part 'cause I know she... Even if she won't admit it, she does miss us a lot, so.

    7. MRMel Robbins34:21

       Awesome, and who is she gonna hug first?

    8. CACameron34:25

       100% my mom.

    9. MRMel Robbins34:26

       Okay, awesome. And how amazing-

    10. CACameron34:27

        I'll probably be last. (laughs)

    11. MRMel Robbins34:29

        Okay, and as you stand there and watch her in her black sweater with Lisbon in the background hugging your mom-

    12. CACameron34:36

        Uh-huh.

    13. MRMel Robbins34:36

        ... what are you feeling?

    14. CACameron34:39

        Like, a sense of comfort, a sense of wholeness, and yeah. Just a really good feeling to have us all together during, like, a really hard time of the year. It's gonna, it's gonna be really special.

    15. MRMel Robbins34:55

        Yeah. Yeah. And, um, that's your confidence anchor. That moment that you just described, in detail, the black sweater, Lisbon in the background, her reaction as she sees you, her hugging your mother first, the wholeness, the comfort, all of that that you just felt in your body, that is your confidence anchor. Now here's how you're gonna use it. From now until that moment happens, the millisecond that you feel any nerves or any fear or any negative thought come up related to this thought-

    16. CACameron35:36

        Mm-hmm.

    17. MRMel Robbins35:36

        ... you're gonna close your eyes. You can use my five-second rule to interrupt the worries. Just count backwards with me, five, four-

    18. CACameron35:46

        Four.

    19. MRMel Robbins35:46

        ... three.

    20. CACameron35:47

        Three.

    21. MRMel Robbins35:47

        Two.

    22. CACameron35:48

        Two. (laughs)

    23. MRMel Robbins35:49

        One.

    24. CACameron35:50

        One.

    25. MRMel Robbins35:50

        Yep. That is a starting ritual that will signal to your brain that you're not gonna think about a plane crash. You are starting to think about something else, and then you are going-

    26. CACameron36:06

        Mm-hmm.

    27. MRMel Robbins36:06

        ... to bring to the forefront of your mind that image, that feeling that you just described, and that is how you drop a confidence anchor on these bullshit nerves and worries that have been hijacking your life. That's what a confidence anchor is.

12. 36:29 – 38:59

    How a confidence anchor works, flipping nervousness to excitement

    1. MRMel Robbins36:29

       You're using your own...... excitement about something that normally makes you nervous to shatter the grip that fear and nerves has on your body and your mind. That's what you're gonna do. And when you head to the airport on the way to the plane, you're gonna use this same confidence anchor. And when you get on that plane and your thoughts go, "Uh-oh," you're gonna go, "Nope, five, four, three, two, one," and you're gonna drop that confidence anchor. And when you take off in the middle of the night and the pilot says, "We might experience a little bit of turbulence," 'cause pilots often say that, you're gonna drop that confidence anchor, and you're gonna come back over and over and over again to this image of your sister and the black sweater and Lisbon behind her and her hugging your mother. That's exactly what you're gonna do, and you're gonna be shocked because this is a technique that they studied at Harvard Business School called Reframing Performance Anxiety, was the name of the study, Reframing Performance Anxiety. And it's a way to flip moments that make you nervous into moments that make you excited and to keep control of your mind, body, and spirit so that your fears don't hijack and torture you.

    2. CACameron37:57

       Wow. (laughs)

    3. MRMel Robbins37:59

       What do you think?

    4. CACameron38:00

       I mean, it makes sense because I think in the moments of panic, the last thing I'm doing is thinking about anything that brings me happiness. It's always the darkest feelings, the heaviest emotions versus, you know, even just closing my eyes just now, I feel so different, like, sitting here. I feel like even thinking about that moment makes me happy, and I'm excited to use it 'cause I know I'm gonna be anxious all next week, week after.

    5. MRMel Robbins38:35

       So you wanna know why this works?

    6. CACameron38:37

       I do.

    7. MRMel Robbins38:38

       Okay.

    8. CACameron38:38

       Seems too good to be true, honestly. Seems too good to be true.

    9. MRMel Robbins38:42

       Well, the reason why it works is because it taps into your body's automatic systems. If you look into the neuroscience on this, scientists call this an autonomic response,

13. 38:59 – 51:23

    Research: understanding your autonomic response

    1. MRMel Robbins38:59

       that basically your nervous system has a autonomic response to stressful situations, okay? That j- like, if you're a normal person like me, you just say, "Oh, yeah, we... If we're in a stressful situation, we automatically feel all kinds of things," right?

    2. CACameron39:15

       Mm-hmm.

    3. MRMel Robbins39:15

       And so what I want you to understand is that, you know, when we're in situations that make us nervous, everybody, whether you're giving a speech, or you're going into an interview, or you're on a first date, or you're running a track meet, or you're getting on a plane, or you're breaking up with somebody, or you're going in for a job interview, it is going to be automatic that your nerves take over because you're about to do something that makes you stressed out a little bit. It's requiring you to feel... It makes you feel a little bit vulnerable. But here's the cool thing, even though you have this automatic response, because you're right, there's no way over the next five weeks you're not gonna feel anxious, because that's the autonomic response that your body has to this stressful thing. But here's the cool thing, Cameron. You can control this. So here's, here's the secret. The secret is understanding that your body's reactions to fear, so your automatic reaction to a fearful situation, is the exact same as your body's automatic response to an exciting situation. And we're gonna use this truth, that your body's automatic reaction to fear is the same as your body's automatic reaction to excitement, to your advantage. So tell me about a situation that makes you excited, like, just something, like, in your day-to-day life, okay? Give me a situation that makes you excited.

    4. CACameron40:38

       In my day-to-day life that makes e- me excited?

    5. MRMel Robbins40:41

       Ah, well, how about this? Who's your favorite musician?

    6. CACameron40:43

       Uh, I really like The Lumineers.

    7. MRMel Robbins40:46

       Okay, great. Guess what?

    8. CACameron40:47

       Mm-hmm.

    9. MRMel Robbins40:48

       The Lumineers are playing a private concert at the new private venue at the Fenway Park. You, my friend, not only have front row seats, you're gonna meet them before the show.

    10. CACameron40:59

        Okay.

    11. MRMel Robbins41:00

        It's five weeks out. How do you feel?

    12. CACameron41:02

        Jittery a little bit, um, like, kinda the same feeling I would have if I, you know, was playing a big soccer game or running an important race-

    13. MRMel Robbins41:10

        Uh-huh.

    14. CACameron41:11

        ... when I was younger, like, the clammy hands, the pit in your stomach-

    15. MRMel Robbins41:16

        Yep.

    16. CACameron41:17

        ... the, like-

    17. MRMel Robbins41:17

        Dude, we're walking into this venue. You're walking up-

    18. CACameron41:20

        Yeah, like-

    19. MRMel Robbins41:20

        ... to the front row. How you feeling?

    20. CACameron41:22

        My heart's beating fast. I'm, like, going a million miles an hour. I don't know. Probably feeling, like, really on edge.

    21. MRMel Robbins41:31

        Yeah, the usher is coming up to be like, "Okay, they're ready to meet you."

    22. CACameron41:34

        (laughs)

    23. MRMel Robbins41:34

        "How you feeling?"

    24. CACameron41:37

        (laughs) I'd be like, "Okay, okay," like, "Let me collect myself." (laughs) Yeah, probably really flustered and, uh, I don't know, like, a little bit anxious probably.

    25. MRMel Robbins41:51

        So it kinda sounds like a situation like that, where you're about to meet your favorite band, which I would say, is that a positive or a negative experience?

    26. CACameron42:02

        Yeah, that'd be amazing. I mean, a positive one, obviously.

    27. MRMel Robbins42:06

        Well, it sounds very similar to the way that you experience the thought of flying to Portugal.

    28. CACameron42:14

        Yeah. (laughs) I guess that's true.

    29. MRMel Robbins42:17

        Yeah, you wanna know the only difference? When you're in the situation that's positive that makes you excited and you're about to meet The Lumineers-

    30. CACameron42:26

        Mm-hmm.
14. 51:23 – 1:01:39

    Truth: Your brain doesn’t know the difference between excitement and fear

    1. MRMel Robbins51:23

       that's bouncing is feeling the heart racing and then the- the bubbles in her stomach. It's just that your brain is framing it in the negative. Because your brain knows that excitement and that fear feels the same, that Lumineers, that meeting The Lumineers and being on an airplane feels the same, you can use that to your advantage and trick your brain in a moment where you would normally be nervous to actually think you're excited. And the reason why this matters, Cameron, is because when you're on that plane, if you can come back over and over and over to your confidence anchor, and if you can close your eyes in a moment of turbulence, and you can imagine your sister, and you can start to say out loud, and this is important, you've got to say to yourself, "I'm so excited to see..." What's your sister's name?

    2. CACameron52:15

       Sienna.

    3. MRMel Robbins52:16

       "I am so excited to see Sienna. I'm so excited to see Sienna. I cannot wait for Sienna to hug my mom. I cannot wait for this." If you come back to that confidence anchor, you are going to flip your brain into believing that you're excited about that moment and you will no longer be afraid. And it's a way to gain control. And you know what- you want to know something really cool? Because your confidence anchor is related to what you're doing, it's really believable.

    4. CACameron52:43

       Mm-hmm.

    5. MRMel Robbins52:43

       Because when you are there hugging your sister, it means the plane made it and there's nothing to be worried about.

    6. CACameron52:50

       Yeah.

    7. MRMel Robbins52:50

       That's why this works. When you imagine before a test yourself walking out of there going, "Yes," it actually makes you excited to take it. When you imagine yourself nailing the interview, it makes you excited to walk into it, because your brain doesn't know the difference between a state of fear or a state of excitement. And now you know a simple trick backed by research from Harvard to take control of your mind and take control in situations where nerves normally derail you.

    8. CACameron53:29

       Yeah, it's amazing. I think that was always, like, in the back of my head during our conversation was if I'm still... I feel fear in a lot of different areas of my life-

    9. MRMel Robbins53:42

       Mm-hmm.

    10. CACameron53:42

        ... not when I'm just in the air.

    11. MRMel Robbins53:44

        Mm-hmm.

    12. CACameron53:44

        So when I'm on the ground, how can I use this tool to ground myself-

    13. MRMel Robbins53:51

        I-

    14. CACameron53:51

        ... even if I'm not sure of the outcome of it?

    15. MRMel Robbins53:55

        I love this. Okay, great question. I want you to take out a notebook and you're gonna write down any-

    16. CACameron54:02

        Okay.

    17. MRMel Robbins54:03

        ... single thing that makes you nervous. Could be anything. I mean, what-

    18. CACameron54:08

        (laughs) Oh, God.

    19. MRMel Robbins54:09

        Give me a couple.

    20. CACameron54:11

        There's a long list probably, but, uh, off the top of my head, like, something that, I don't know, I really wish that I could beat the fear on is I recently moved, um, not that far, but there's a really nice yoga studio on my street that I, like, pass every day and I just always think, like, "I need to be a part of a community of 20-somethings that are like-minded, that, you know-Yeah, I just, I've always loved yoga, I've loved the community it brings. Um, but I cannot bring myself to sign up and I can't bring myself up. Like, I just constantly think about the day I have to show up for my first class, (laughs) and it makes me way too anxious to even, like, go.

    21. MRMel Robbins55:07

        This is an excellent example, and by the way, incredibly common and very relatable.

    22. CACameron55:12

        Yeah.

    23. MRMel Robbins55:13

        So I'm really glad you shared it. So you're gonna do the exact same thing. We're gonna create a confidence anchor, because what I hear is I hear you want to do it.

    24. CACameron55:24

        Mm-hmm.

    25. MRMel Robbins55:24

        I hear it pulling you, and the nerves are keeping you back. So name the, name something you're excited about. So, like, can you pick, like, a coffee shop in your neighborhood that you love to go to and it's gonna be your treat to get a nice latte when you're done?

    26. CACameron55:43

        Yeah. Do you want me to name it?

    27. MRMel Robbins55:45

        Yeah, I do.

    28. CACameron55:47

        It's called Thinking Cup.

    29. MRMel Robbins55:50

        I love Thinking Cup.

    30. CACameron55:51

        (laughs)

Episode duration: 1:01:39