The Mel Robbins PodcastTry it For 1 Week: Small Ways to Make Your Life Fun & Exciting Again
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
60 min read · 12,451 words- 0:00 – 2:19
Meet the Guest
- PPPriya Parker
There's almost nothing lonelier than being with other people and feeling alone.
- MRMel Robbins
You're about to learn how to deepen your relationships with the people that you care about most, how to build community when you feel like you don't really have any, how to meet your neighbors, how to throw great parties, and have more fun in real life. Today, you and I are here with the bestselling author of The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker. How do you move people past small talk?
- PPPriya Parker
Ask a magical question.
- MRMel Robbins
Give me your top five magical questions.
- PPPriya Parker
Ooh, okay. What is something you own that you're pretty sure no one else in this group owns?
- MRMel Robbins
Ooh, that's a good one.
- PPPriya Parker
What is your favorite way to eat a potato?
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs]
- MRMel Robbins
I know immediately.
- PPPriya Parker
What is it? Human connection can be as threatened by unhealthy peace as it is by unhealthy conflict.
- MRMel Robbins
Unhealthy peace. Oh, I just thought of like five marriages I know of.
- PPPriya Parker
Unhealthy peace is choosing to not touch something you care about because you're afraid of loss and you're afraid of what might happen.
- MRMel Robbins
What is the first step to do if you're recognizing that unhealthy peace is in your life?
- PPPriya Parker
So first... When you're going out on adventure, when you're in a city or you're in a new place, you actually have a third element to interact with. You know, talk is actually sometimes not good for connection.
- MRMel Robbins
Ooh, hold on.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs]
- MRMel Robbins
Hey, it's Mel, and before we get into this episode, my team was showing me 57% of you who watch The Mel Robbins Podcast here on YouTube are not subscribed yet. Could you do me a quick favor? Just hit subscribe so that you don't miss any of the episodes that we post here on YouTube. It lets me know you're enjoying the guests and the content that we're bringing you, because I wanna make sure you don't miss a thing, and I'm so glad you're here for this episode, 'cause this is a really good one. All right. Let's dive in. Priya Parker, welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast.
- PPPriya Parker
Thank you so much for having me.
- MRMel Robbins
I'm really excited, because I feel like I wanna have more fun and see people more.
- PPPriya Parker
Fun is good for our families. Fun is good for our health. Fun is not only fun, it's actually crucial to our relationships and to our communal life.
- MRMel Robbins
Amazing.
- 2:19 – 5:08
Why Most Parties Suck
- MRMel Robbins
Well, we all wanna have it, but for some reason it seems kinda hard to be making fun and gathering and connecting with people. And so I wanna read to you from your bestselling book, The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters. This is from the introduction. "We spend our lives gathering, first in our families, then in neighborhoods and playgroups, schools and churches, and then in meetings, weddings, town halls, conferences, birthday parties, product launches, board meetings, class, family reunions, dinner parties, trade fairs, and funerals. And we spend much of that time in uninspiring, underwhelming moments that fail to capture us, change us in any way, or connect us to one another. Any number of studies support a notion that's obvious to many of us. Much of the time we spend in gatherings with other people disappoint us." For the person who is nodding their head, you've had that experience of being in a room full of people and you feel alone. You force yourself to go out, 'cause you know it's good for you to get out of the house, and you spend money eating at a restaurant you don't wanna be at. You have boring conversation with people that are slightly annoying that you don't connect with. And then you get home and you're like, "Why, why did I even do that? I'm not-"
- PPPriya Parker
Why do I even try?
- MRMel Robbins
Why do I even try? I'm, I'm... I just spent $73 on a meal.
- PPPriya Parker
I put pants on.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs]
- MRMel Robbins
I put pants on.
- PPPriya Parker
I put my makeup on.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- PPPriya Parker
Why do I even try?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- PPPriya Parker
It's, it... You know, there's almost nothing lonelier than being with other people and feeling alone. And so part of the opportunity we have is so much of modern life and our, our thinking about hosting or gathering has always focused on the logistics, right? How... The... Whether it's the food, whether it's the infrastructure, whether it's the table, whether it's the venue, and all of those things matter. But we're basically told that you leave the rest to chance, right? You hope for the best when it comes to people. And I'm a conflict resolution facilitator. How do you help people connect without having to be the same? And so much of what my peers and I are taught as facilitators isn't taught in modern culture. And so we are taught, we are trained, it's a whole profession, of how do you help people get off their scripts? How do you create a dinner where people actually, instead of saying what they always say, pause for a second and think and then, and then something new happens. But so often because we assume we're just supposed to leave people to themselves, or it's awkward to impose, or who am I to try to steer the conversation, we are leaving people less well off than if they had just stayed at home.
- MRMel Robbins
And I take it this also applies to family, since even though y'all share DNA potentially-
- PPPriya Parker
Absolutely
- MRMel Robbins
... that you don't have the same belief system and that you are very different.
- 5:08 – 8:07
Thinking of Throwing a Party?
- MRMel Robbins
And maybe this is a dumb question, but what do you mean when you say gathering? 'Cause when you say the word gathering, I thought you meant throwing a party.
- PPPriya Parker
So I define a gathering as any time three or more people come together with a beginning, middle, and end for a reason. And so much of what I'm trying to work on as a facilitator is our coun- our country, our culture is awash in self-help. And self-help is important. Those tools have deeply helped me. I am in therapy. I have deeply benefited from many individual tools. But when the lens is basically, "How do I just improve myself? How do I count my steps? How do I take my sugar intake?" All those things are important, but we actually also need group help. How do we actually help the groups of our life? And so many of our problems are shared problems. They're not gonna be solved by just the individual. They have to be solved by the group. And so it's an invitation to start getting interested in the group help business, too.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, I love that, the group help business. I think we all can agree, we need some helps with the groups.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs]
- MRMel Robbins
Whether it's our group of friends, or, uh, the group that is the family, or the group that is the in-laws, or the group that is your neighbors, or the group that is your colleagues at work, and that's what you're gonna teach us today.
- PPPriya Parker
Absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
How to have better connections in the groups we're in, and how to create new groups of people, and how to show up in groups.
- PPPriya Parker
And how to diagnose when something is off, how do you have the tools and the confidence to, to do something? Whether it's a high school or a college reunion, right? So many people get onto an airplane to go to this reunion, sometimes across countries, and then you go, and, like, nothing much happens. And it's, it's almost... It, like, breaks your heart. It's like, this... Everyone's here. If you could just... If we just put a little bit of structure in it, if we just thought of it in a different way, you can move this entire night from everyone feeling sort of, you know, isolated and repeating high school all over again, to imagine having the best conversations of your life with the people that you grew up with 40 years ago.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, it... I also thought of another example. How many times have you traveled to go see family and everybody sits inside, and kinda catches up, and then within hours, a day, you're kinda irritated and bored, kinda, like, looking at our watches.
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Traffic's gonna be building up. We should probably leave a little earlier than we thought.
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And you've checked the box, but you actually didn't get anything.
- PPPriya Parker
It's not... You haven't watered the garden.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, that group needs help, let me tell you.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs] Absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
And we, we all have, we all have that particular family member's house that we're thinking about right now, where you know a small part of you goes to die and to show up, and we all kinda hope it's gonna be a little bit different. But I'm starting to gather, no pun intended, that there are specific strategies that we can be using in those situations, and those situations are all over our lives.
- 8:07 – 18:38
The Biggest Mistake To Avoid When Throwing A Party
- MRMel Robbins
So you say there are three ways to spice up or have more fun in any gathering of people, make it more meaningful. Let's talk about the first way.
- PPPriya Parker
So the biggest mistake we make when we gather is we skip defining the purpose.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- PPPriya Parker
What is the purpose of this gathering? What is the purpose of this family reunion? What is the purpose even of coming together for Thanksgiving, or Shabbat, or whatever category you have in your head? And the simplest way, if you remember nothing else from our conversation, is to first ask every single time, "What is the need here? What, what are we craving?" And so often we skip defining the purpose that we go back into these old forms that are no longer serving anyone.
- MRMel Robbins
I would love to have you break down purpose, and I know you have a, uh, physical prop to show us. And I will explain what this is. She has yoga blocks and, uh, Priya has just put up one that says, "Purpose."
- PPPriya Parker
So the first step in, in thinking about how to have a meaningful gathering-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm
- PPPriya Parker
... is to ask, "What is the purpose? Why," in this case that you're talking about, "why am I coming to this? Why am I visiting my parents? Why do I do this?" And, and it may sound kind of wild to say, like, "Why am I visiting my parents?" But hear me out. The reasons why you met- might visit your parents 20 years ago might actually be a different reason than you're visiting them now. And so 20 years ago, it might have been, depending on your age or stage in life, to get some help with your kids, right? I'm visiting my parents so that they can bond with my kids, and I'm willing to deal with everything else, 'cause what is important to me is making sure that there's a-
- MRMel Robbins
Yep
- PPPriya Parker
... connection there.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- PPPriya Parker
And 20 years later, your kids may be out of the house, and you're still visiting your parents. The need that I might have now might be different. The, the, the purpose might be to start asking them about their lives, as I'm starting to think about their mortality. I don't need to tell them that. But there are a lot of ways to actually flip the script when you bring in new ways of being together. So I'll give a simple example. I was visiting my, my father. He lives in Florida. And I was taking my children, and we sat down at a restaurant. We don't live in the same state. It's a rare, it's a rare moment, right? We could talk about the weather. We could talk about the beach we just went to. And I knew inside of me, like, this is one of the few times of the year my children are gonna be with my father. And so we pra- I said to them, uh, "Kids, you wanna ask Grandpa a magical question?" And a magical question, and, and you all can use this, is a question that everyone in the group would be interested in answering, and everyone in the group would be interested in hearing each other's answers. That part is important. And my daughter looks up, and her eyes are bright and sparkly, and my, and my father looks and says, "What's that?" And he, and he, she goes, "I," and she goes, "I have one. What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done that was worth it?" [laughs] And we all... My father, look, you know, his eyes gets bright, and then she goes, "Before the age of 12." And we were off to the races. And I share, I laughed and I shared something my kids had never heard. They each kind of decided what they were gonna confess, you know, in front of me. I heard stories from my father I'd never heard before. We were laughing. And it was just the diff- Those were two completely different lunches.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- PPPriya Parker
They were c- And so part of thinking about, what is my purpose when I'm about to enter into a room like that? And it, and for me, it's to connect my children and my father, and particularly to connect my father to the present version of my children.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- PPPriya Parker
And to connect my children to the, to the complex being my father is and has been over his seven decades on this planet.
- MRMel Robbins
What I love about this, because it's... So obvious once you hear it
- PPPriya Parker
Not rocket science
- MRMel Robbins
And deeply personal and profound.
- PPPriya Parker
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
I have this saying that I say a lot, which is, "If you change nothing, nothing changes."
- PPPriya Parker
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
And we spend a lot of time anticipating and hoping to have fun and wishing that the connection will happen, and fingers crossed that this lunch is somehow magically gonna be different-
- PPPriya Parker
Yes
- MRMel Robbins
... than every lunch that we do three times a year that we've done for the last decade, and then somehow we're surprised and disappointed that it is not any different.
- PPPriya Parker
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And it comes down to the opportunity that you're teaching us today, which is to wake up and realize that you have a lot of power here, but if you change nothing, nothing changes. And the first thing you need to change is just take a beat and be like, "What's the purpose? If I'm actually going to go, what is the purpose? There is some need in my life that I can fill with this gathering. That's the purpose."
- PPPriya Parker
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
"I don't need to tell anybody else. I'm not telling my dad. I just need to figure out, okay, what are some things that I could do so that I get that need filled?"
- PPPriya Parker
Yes.
- 18:38 – 24:44
The Secret to Better Family Gatherings
- PPPriya Parker
Okay, I'm gonna put these blocks to the side.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, let's put this to the test.
- PPPriya Parker
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
Selfishly, I'm gonna, I'm gonna extract some advice for myself.
- PPPriya Parker
Great. Let's do it.
- MRMel Robbins
And hopefully as you're listening. So this summer, um, I'm hosting a bunch of different people at our home in Vermont, and one of the reasons why this is happening is it's our 30th wedding anniversary.
- PPPriya Parker
Wow.
- MRMel Robbins
And instead of... Uh, I know, I'm surprised too.
- PPPriya Parker
Congratulations.
- MRMel Robbins
Thank you. Um, instead of throwing a party, where I stopped and thought, "You know, let's throw a big party and a dance party. I love a dance party." And I thought, "Well, wait a minute. I'm not gonna talk to anybody."
- PPPriya Parker
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
So do I really wanna have a big party to celebrate, or do I want to celebrate in a different way? And so we reached out to groups of friends that don't live near us, and then invited them to come over certain weekends. And we have a bunch of, uh, my husband's college friends coming, uh, 'cause there's a bluegrass festival nearby us.
- PPPriya Parker
Amazing.
- MRMel Robbins
And there'll probably be 20 people at our house, and I said to everybody, "Bring tents, and please leave your dogs at home." But beyond that, I haven't thought about it.
- PPPriya Parker
I mean, you've already thought a lot about it. That's beautiful. So you have a purpose, right?
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- PPPriya Parker
You have a need, which is to celebrate your 30th anniversary.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- PPPriya Parker
Is that, is that... Would you say that's the need?
- MRMel Robbins
The need is really, I just... I think, like everybody, the years of 2020 through 2025 basically hit delete on almost all of our social lives.
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Between hybrid work and people moving and empty nesting-
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah
- MRMel Robbins
... and job changing and just getting reclusive-
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah
- MRMel Robbins
... because you're at home on Zoom calls, and it... You know, who wants to drive into the city to see people? Like... Everyone's tired. Everyone's exhausted. And so I think the purpose that this is fulfilling is I miss seeing friends.
- PPPriya Parker
That's beautiful.
- MRMel Robbins
I miss these experiences. I miss the things that Chris and I used to do when we had either little kids that we could drag everywhere. You know, the parties that you have with, when you're young adults and every- kid's running around in diapers and-
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah
- MRMel Robbins
... you know, it doesn't matter if you're sleeping on a couch. We're all just kinda together. That I want... I, I miss that in my life, and I realize it's not gonna fall out of the sky.
- 24:44 – 30:05
The Trick That Creates Instant Connection
- PPPriya Parker
And, and so even when you think about whether it's your family, whether you think about it's your, your, um, your friends coming for your 30th anniversary party, one of the best ways to lower your anxiety about hosting-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm
- PPPriya Parker
... is to share the burden.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- PPPriya Parker
And what I mean by that is to, in some way, make everyone be a sub-host or a co-host in a way that would delight them.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- PPPriya Parker
So with your friends, this is just one example. You don't have to do this. If you say you have three days together, sometimes I do this with, with friends' birthday parties, particularly for a big one, people are traveling, to invite everyone to bring some kind of gift or offering for the group. And that could be... I've done this before at a 40th birthday party. S- one person brought their favorite tiny little drops of a specific sunblock, and their offering for the entire group was making sure that everyone didn't get a sunburn. And someone else brought their favorite game from their childhood, and they introduced this game for 20 minutes.
- MRMel Robbins
You know what I love about that? Is that you gave people a specific assignment.
- PPPriya Parker
Yes
- MRMel Robbins
They can get creative, and then you don't end up with 14 bagels that nobody ate, and tubs of potato salad that people wanna jam in your fridge.
- PPPriya Parker
Or tap dancing the entire time trying to entertain everyone.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- PPPriya Parker
Someone else brought beautiful little, tiny bars of organic chocolate, and just literally the act of going around to 35 other guests at some point over the course of the weekend, it makes people look towards each other. It gives them a tiny little sense of, like, this is my gathering too. And so part of thinking about spending time together is finding ways to help people have a shared experience without needing to be the same. Another very simple thing is fun dress codes. Fun dress codes meaning wear the single best thing in your closet. No shopping.
- MRMel Robbins
Ooh, I love the no shopping.
- PPPriya Parker
I once did this for a birthday party. Three people showed up in their wedding dresses.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, that's killer.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs] I know a woman who threw a no pants party in Chicago, in her apartment. It was, it was July. She didn't, her AC wasn't working. It w- I think it was from, like, a Simpsons-
- MRMel Robbins
Uh-huh
- PPPriya Parker
... like, episode. People showed up in everything from bathing suits to skirts to dresses. Her father showed up in overalls, and a, and a, and a good-natured fight broke out about whether or not overalls are pants. Like, it was a total hit because there was shared context.
- MRMel Robbins
One thing I wanna circle back to, 'cause I think it, it, it's advice that is going to profoundly change for the better gatherings with our family.
- PPPriya Parker
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
Which is, I want you to really think about the, some people don't wanna talk. They need to either go on a walk, or go to a museum, or play a soccer game.
- PPPriya Parker
Yes
- MRMel Robbins
That oftentimes it's not that deep, and my husband and I tend to be deep people that wanna talk. And I can see how when you try to engage somebody that does not like to talk, that does not wanna des- uh, discuss feelings or their plans for when they die-
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs]
- MRMel Robbins
... or whatever it is that my husband the death doula would like to really-
- PPPriya Parker
Mm-hmm. Get in there
- MRMel Robbins
... get deep into, and that it creates tension. And how can you shift so that you can make them more comfortable and, you know, maybe, "Let's keep moving. Nothing to see here."
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"Okay."
- 30:05 – 40:10
Avoiding Conflict is Ruining Your Relationships
- MRMel Robbins
Um, you say- That another thing that a really good gathering requires is good controversy. What the heck does that mean?
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs] So, I mean, I wish... I should start by saying I am a conflict-averse conflict resolution facilitator. So I am a conflict resolution facilitator, and I hate conflict. And when my, my parents are divorced, and when they first separated-
- MRMel Robbins
I bet you have a lot to talk about with your therapist.
- PPPriya Parker
I [laughs] have a lot to talk about with my husband. I-
- MRMel Robbins
You know what I'm saying?
- PPPriya Parker
Absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, that, that was, like, a very interesting...
- PPPriya Parker
So, I mean, basically, when my parents separated-
- MRMel Robbins
Uh-huh
- PPPriya Parker
... everyone was shocked because they never fought.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- PPPriya Parker
They never fought. And so I learned from a young age that there's great loss in avoidance.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- PPPriya Parker
And that human connection can be as threatened by unhealthy peace as it is by unhealthy conflict.
- MRMel Robbins
Unhealthy peace. Oh, I just thought of about five marriages I know of.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs] And friendships.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- PPPriya Parker
Right? And work relationships.
- MRMel Robbins
Unhealthy peace.
- PPPriya Parker
And so part of, like, I-
- MRMel Robbins
Can we, can we just talk about that for a minute?
- PPPriya Parker
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Give me some examples-
- PPPriya Parker
Unhealth-
- MRMel Robbins
... of unhealthy peace.
- PPPriya Parker
Unhealthy peace is being hurt by somebody and, and holding onto it and choosing to not say something, and then a story about them grows in our head, and then eventually we're so scared to say something, we leave or we ghost or we exit, rather than trying to get to what I call healthy heat or healthy conflict. Unhealthy peace is often in teams where everybody knows that it's a terrible idea to launch this product, but no one's willing to actually say it. Unhealthy peace can be in a family at a, at a multi-generational family gathering, and somebody, a uncle is belligerent towards another cousin, maybe their own child, and everyone freezes and just looks down under the table. You can have strategic avoidance, but unhealthy peace is choosing to not touch something you care about-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm
- PPPriya Parker
... because you're afraid of loss and you're afraid of what might happen.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- PPPriya Parker
And our society oscillates within our friendships and our families. We oscillate between unhealthy peace and unhealthy conflict. We either avoid, exit, ghost, or we burn the fricking house down. And so, and I know this because my house was burned down, but through unhealthy... metaphorically, through unhealthy peace.
- 40:10 – 44:55
How to Handle Difficult People
- MRMel Robbins
So I wanna go back to the moment that we've all had where you are at a family gathering and you are sitting at the table and all of a sudden, somebody who we all know who the difficult person is in the extended family, they do their thing.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs]
- MRMel Robbins
Ugh. You know, like, whatever. They sound off about poli- and you are now in your unhealthy peace.
- PPPriya Parker
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
And you're thinking about Priya's Art of Gathering and The Art of Fighting, and you're starting to feel the heat, and you're thinking, "I would rather be on the planet Mars than sitting at this dining room table right now." How on earth does healthy heat or a little bit of conflict make the gathering better?
- PPPriya Parker
First of all, that moment is really scary.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- PPPriya Parker
And it is... Most of us go back into the roles that we've always played.
- MRMel Robbins
You know what I do? I start bussing the table.
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah. Yeah. Totally.
- MRMel Robbins
And then I get a drink.
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah. Uh, get up, right?
- MRMel Robbins
Which doesn't make it...
- PPPriya Parker
Go get-
- MRMel Robbins
Which is not a way to handle healthy conflict, by the way.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs] So I, this may sound like a cop-out, but it actually isn't, which is these moments in time are actually few and far between, and the best way to change them is before anyone enters the room.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, okay. I love that. The best way to change the dynamic...
- PPPriya Parker
Is before anyone enters the room.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, what am I changing?
- PPPriya Parker
So first of all, if this is something that's happening at your dinner table, uh, once a year over and over again, I, um, first find your allies. Find your allies that also at every moment feel like, "I hate that he does that," or, "I hate that they do that, but I don't know what to do in that moment. It feels so scary. This is also a multi-generational family ritual. Like, who are we to come in?" Absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
And you know who those people are? They're the ones that are looking at you across the table like-
- PPPriya Parker
Exactly. Find your allies. Find your allies.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes. [laughs]
- PPPriya Parker
The second is sometimes the old structures actually no longer work. Can I give a simple example?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, please.
- PPPriya Parker
So I had a family who there was a lot of conflict and, and often, like, about politics, and it was just sort of over and over and over again.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, I think that's all of us right now.
- PPPriya Parker
I, yeah. It's just like-
- MRMel Robbins
It's just like, oh, my God
- PPPriya Parker
... exhausting, though. It sort of felt-
- 44:55 – 50:27
How Great Hosts Create Instant Connection
- MRMel Robbins
your hot takes. What is the third thing that can really create meaning in your next gathering?
- PPPriya Parker
Thinking about how you open and how you close.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, give us some examples.
- PPPriya Parker
So I think about a gathering as the creation of a temporary alternative world, and as a host, you're creating that world. It could be a mosh pit. It could be a rave. It could be a picnic by the river. But these are actually different worlds, and so part of as a, as a host is to think about how do you actually open. The first 5% of a gathering deeply matters. So when you're hosting a gathering, really deeply thinking about how you open and what are you doing in those first few moments when people are arriving, whether it's to the 30th anniversary, whether it's to a, uh, dinner party, because we actually are looking to see how do we behave in any of these moments. And when a host comes and says, "Hey," either introduces people to each other or brings people around and says, "Hey, would you be, um, would you be our wine minister for the night? Whenever you see a cup, would you mind just filling up?" Or our water minister, right? Those first 5% is when people actually realize, oh, like, this is how I behave here.
- MRMel Robbins
Give us some fast ideas for those first few minutes when they're coming into your house.
- PPPriya Parker
Stand there.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- PPPriya Parker
Stand there. Take a moment. Have a greeting committee, meaning literally your two friends. I had a friend who was having a birthday party. This is years ago, and, um, she asked three friends who love doing this, this is important, to be the greeting committee. I'm saying that in quotes, right? All that meant was we stood by the door, and as people came in, they're, we were like, "Hi. Welcome to so-and-so's birthday party. We've heard so much about you." And the way people respond, like, "Oh, my gosh, you've heard so much about me?"
- MRMel Robbins
How about a Zoom meeting?
- PPPriya Parker
Ugh.
- MRMel Robbins
Give us a bunch of fast ideas for the best way to open a Zoom call at work-
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah
- MRMel Robbins
... without it being cheese ball and also, like, pulling people in, like, how you set that intention.
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah. So Zoom is such a great context to learn from, and one of the things that creates connection is informal activity.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- PPPriya Parker
And Zoom is, like, the enemy of informal, right? We're all in these squares. You have to mute on, mute off. You're not sure if you're supposed to talk, right? That you can't talk to someone else. So you enter a in-person meeting, you can go, you can choose the seat you sit in. You can be like, "Hey, can I get you a coffee?" Right?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- PPPriya Parker
There's all of this informal stitching that actually binds a group.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- PPPriya Parker
And so in these virtual contexts, that's taken from us.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- PPPriya Parker
And so the host needs to actually create that. And so simple examples. First is when you, when, if you are hosting this Zoom, be fully on. Like, once it's on, once the time is start, be on time, and then be there. It's almost like, I mean, I say this as a facilitator that does a lot of Zooms, it's almost like you're a live sportscaster, right? And so you're just like, "Hey, how's it going? You know what? I'm just gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna have a sip of this water. And I'm curious. Uh, what are all you... What's your... You're all in different time zones. Like, just pop it in the chat. What's, what are you drinking right now? Oh, Earl Grey tea. Oh, some..." Right? You're actually warming up the group, but on Zoom, it's through your language. It's not unlike a podcast host.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- PPPriya Parker
Um, the second is to invite people to come on camera. I work with a lot of leaders who, and managers who say like, "I don't know how to get my team off camera, on camera, but I can't actually read their faces." So I had a, um, a leader who told me that one of the things he did was he told his team that they could be camera off but- If they sung a Neil Diamond song.
- MRMel Robbins
No.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs] And, like, I was with this team when they did it, and they all started laughing, and it was like, it was this playful pop-up rule. They all know he loves Neil Diamond, and the reason he did that, and it worked for the team, is 'cause he wanted to know that they were engaged, right? They wanted... The reason he wanted the camera on is to know that they're not sitting there doing something else. One of the things I often do with my, with my team and my students is I have them ask a magical question in the chat while people are waiting. What's the best co- what's the first concert you ever went to, and who took you? And you po- and people start populating the chat. It creates a completely different world. It, uh, helps you understand sort of who's here and who's not here. So I have a friend who runs a tutoring company, um, her name is Marcella, and she started doing this. She a- she would ask a magical question every week. But at some point it's kinda like the boss is asking a magical question again, and so she started rotating who everyone each week-
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, you're assigned the magical question.
- PPPriya Parker
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Got it.
- PPPriya Parker
Each week a different team member was assigned coming up with a magical question and asking it in the first three minutes of the chat, and everyone answers it. She's building leadership skills. She's sharing the weight. We actually are excited to hear what one another is gonna ask. We can learn from that practice. We start understanding and getting to know each other as a group. And part of why this is important is w- particularly in virtual teams, when the going gets tough, when there's some mistake, as there will be in every team, the likelihood that I'll pick up the phone and be like, "Hey, Mel, I actually wanted to talk to you about something," you're creating psychological community through knowing things about each other.
- 50:27 – 54:19
How Great Hosts End the Night
- PPPriya Parker
group.
- MRMel Robbins
You say that, uh, the endings matter.
- PPPriya Parker
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
How do you end?
- PPPriya Parker
Most gatherings don't end. They stop.
- MRMel Robbins
What's the difference?
- PPPriya Parker
You're at a conference and you've had this, like, beautiful kind of arc of an experience, and then all of a sudden it's like, "Oh, thanks for coming. You know, coat, gotta run. Coats are in the back. Okay, over and out. Thanks, everybody." And, and actually, as I s- as I said, every gathering is a temporary alternative world, and the more different it is from everyday life, the more you also have a responsibility to close it.
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- PPPriya Parker
I had a improv teacher called Dave Sawyer, actually here in Boston, and he would often say, "Good actors think about how they enter a stage. Great actors also obsess about how they exit, how they leave." And so thinking about, again, very simply, walk people out. If somebody's coming to your home, right, walk people out. It's so touching. Sometimes people walk me out of their home and I'm like, "Thank you." Right? It's that extra piece of care. Thank you for walking me out. Um, it can be, you, you know, and, and sometimes you need to get people out of your house. [laughs]
- MRMel Robbins
Let me walk you out. Yes.
- PPPriya Parker
And so issuing, like in, in bars, you know, the last call.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. Oh.
- PPPriya Parker
They ding. They, there's a, there's a, they ding the button, they're like, "Last call, last drink." It's a way to actually prime people to start leaving.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- PPPriya Parker
Um, and so thinking about what your last call is. Um, it d- my husband and I argue a lot about this, and he comes from a household that's like, "You would never signal to your guests that they should leave." And I come from a family culture where you would never as a guest leave until your host releases you. [laughs] That's right. So you have this, like, chicken game where everyone's like, "Do we leave now? Is it over? How do we close?" And so finding simple ways to allow people to, um, exit when, uh, one way is if you're having people for dinner and you're not really sure if it's time for, to leave, you can say, "Well, you know, thank you all so much for coming. For some of, for some of you it's a school night. But for those of you who can stay, and we really hope you will, like, let's move to the living room for a nightcap."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- PPPriya Parker
So finding ways to sort of allow people to exit. Whether it's a life of a conversation, whether it's a, whether it's a party, you can kind of feel when it's sort of, it's coming to an end. And so part of it is, like, give it an honorable death.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- PPPriya Parker
Allow people to leave, whether it's a final song, whether it's a, whether it's a, a, a, a final dance, whether it's just simply, um, I as a facilitator, sometimes we do this in work, is like we're m- asking people, like, what did... Like, "Okay, best moments of the night. Okay, best jokes of the night. Okay, who was the MVP? Who..." And again, and just finding ways to help people meaning make together, and then slowly be like, "What, what transpired here?" And in a work context, I do this with all of my Zooms. What did you most learn over the last hour? Summer camps do this really well. They don't just-
- MRMel Robbins
Well, 'cause they have campfires. I mean, come on.
- PPPriya Parker
They, they, campfire.
- MRMel Robbins
They, they should do it really well. We're paying them.
- PPPriya Parker
They should do it really well. But they think really deeply about closing.
- MRMel Robbins
[laughs] They do.
- PPPriya Parker
And their closing day, and the day before.
- MRMel Robbins
Closing ceremonies and-
- PPPriya Parker
And closing ceremonies, right? Tiny little ways to bring ritual back. We're, we're sort of a ritual-less culture.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- PPPriya Parker
And-
- MRMel Robbins
Not now, 'cause you just taught us how to bring it back.
- 54:19 – 57:36
The Fastest Way to Make New Friends
- PPPriya Parker
have?"
- MRMel Robbins
So if you're the kinda person who doesn't really consider yourself to be a host, right, or you are kinda like, ah, you're, you know, you're, you recognize you're waiting for the invite-
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah
- MRMel Robbins
... but you don't typically think of yourself as the host, what is your message?
- PPPriya Parker
Hosting is not an identity. It's an activity. Groups end when people feel like they're not meaningfully contributing or it's not being meaningfully contributing back. Basically, a lack of reciprocity.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- PPPriya Parker
And so to not think about it as, like, this big archetypal thing of, like, "I'm a host," but to actually think about it as effort, spending... Thinking about also host something you would love to attend. Host something that you, you want to do and invite one other person to join you. Start small, start simple. If it feels like an obligation, don't do it.
- MRMel Robbins
Um, what are your recommendations for someone who is living in an apartment building or moved to a new neighborhood, doesn't really know the neighbors?
- PPPriya Parker
I, uh, just this week I saw on Instagram a woman who posted that she hosted a chair and share in her neighborhood. She didn't know any of her neighbors. She sent out all analog invitations, flyers under her neighbors' doors, and the invitation was to bring a chair and share your name. [laughs] 40 neighbors show up, and they had a great time. But again, it sounds silly. A chair. It's actually a symbol. It's specific. I can bring a chair. Right? People are bringing long lawn chairs. Somebody brought, like, their, like, wheely, [laughs] wheely office chair. It gives us something to sit on and it's showing the in- ini- initiative. Also, a lot of people feel this way.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- PPPriya Parker
To find one or two other hosts, co-hosts ideally, because it can be scary to do something alone. Um, you can also, using flyers, use the occasion of either, of holidays, invented or not. There are many public institutions that have lots of free programming that actually exist over and over and over again, but the key is to keep going to the same event-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm
- PPPriya Parker
... over and over again, because proximity and repetition creates safety and community.
- MRMel Robbins
Your home should reflect who you are, not who you used to be or what you think it's supposed to look like, just you now. And Ashley has pieces that fit whatever your style is. In fact, I was scrolling Ashley earlier, and I was immediately drawn to the pieces in the Serene Bay outdoor collection. Now, my personal style is cozy and functional, and the pieces in this collection feel elevated, but still livable. And what I love most about Ashley is that every piece, it doesn't just look great. They're built for real life, with features like stain-resistant fabrics that are easy to clean and even machine-washable cushion covers. Plus, Ashley offers white glove delivery, so everything's brought right into your home and set up where you want it, making the entire process easy from start to finish. Visit your local Ashley store or head to ashley.com to find your style.
- 57:36 – 1:02:11
5 Questions That Make Any Conversation Better
- MRMel Robbins
You're at a gathering.
- PPPriya Parker
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
And, or you're at dinner with your friends.
- PPPriya Parker
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And then you have caught up. How's the kids? What's going on with work? Yeah, yeah, your parents, they're doing o- they, they still doing okay? Awesome. What are you doing this summer?
- PPPriya Parker
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
And now there's that pause.
- PPPriya Parker
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
And you're kinda thinking about, and I realize you're gonna tell me I should have thought about this before I'm there, but now that I'm there and we've done the small talk, what's a f- fast trick to get us to go in a different direction?
- PPPriya Parker
To ask a magical question.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- PPPriya Parker
And to... You can keep them in your pocket. I have a subset called group life. We have, like, f- more than 50 magical questions. Like, take it in your pocket.
- MRMel Robbins
Give me your top five magical questions.
- PPPriya Parker
What is something you own that you're pretty sure no one else in this group owns?
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, that's a good one.
- PPPriya Parker
Right? It, it-
- MRMel Robbins
A tractor.
- PPPriya Parker
Why do you have a tractor?
- MRMel Robbins
Because I live on a mountain, and, uh, we have a field that needs stuff and a long driveway that needs to be plowed, and I think my husband looks really sexy on it, honestly, so.
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs] There are s- so what you just gave me there is, like, six different conversational doorknobs. Um, a, a couple other magical questions. What's a movie, film, or TV show that you could never watch again?
- MRMel Robbins
Probably Jaws, because that came out my, uh, like, fifth grade summer or fourth grade summer, and there was something so terrifying about that movie that just about every person that I know in their mid to late 50s had a terrorizing summer, would not get in swimming pools.
- PPPriya Parker
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
That shot from below. Oh my God.
- PPPriya Parker
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
I still to this day think about it.
- PPPriya Parker
Totally. I, so do I. A- a- and so Jaws as a movie, right, then you can see all of this conversation.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- PPPriya Parker
What should film be? Is that one of the greatest movies that have ever been created, or did that terrorize an entire generation and change our relationship to the water?
- MRMel Robbins
Both. [laughs] All right, give me the other three.
- PPPriya Parker
Um, what is an outfit you could have thrown away a long time ago, but you still keep, and what does it mean to you? If your life was a movie, what would the opening credits song be?
- 1:02:11 – 1:06:41
The Secret to Creating Meaningful Connections
- MRMel Robbins
Um, if the person listening takes just one thing away from all of the things that you have shared with us, the tactics, the questions, the different ideas, the fun, the inspiration, what do you think is the most important thing to do after you're done listening to this that will have your next gathering be very different?
- PPPriya Parker
To pause and ask, what is the need? What is, what is a need that I have, or what is a need I'm seeing in this community? Why are we coming together? Why... And, and it, and then, and the purpose need not be serious. In fact, probably better that it's not. But to pause and ask, what, how do I wanna spend my time? And if this all feels overwhelming, just the next time you're in a gathering, the next, whether it's a meeting, whether it's a family reunion, whether it's a wedding, just start observing. Just start observing. Are people happy to be here? Is there thought behind this? What are moments where people are starting to come alive? How am I feeling in this moment? Is there a way, is there a simple technique? I may be at a wedding table that I've been sat at with strangers, and we haven't necessarily, we don't know each other. Is there a tiny thing I could do, whether it's the person next to me or across, that might, for this one moment, make this more interesting? And if this over- all feels overwhelming, start by being a really good guest. Guests have a lot of power.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, since you, uh, said that endings really matter-
- PPPriya Parker
[laughs]
- MRMel Robbins
... I thought maybe we'd end in a different way.
- PPPriya Parker
Ooh.
- MRMel Robbins
How about you end by asking the person who is with us a magical question?
- PPPriya Parker
So if I was sitting here and I was deeply thinking about your community, I would ask something like, "What is a specific moment or insight from a Mel Robbins podcast that changed your life, and what action did you take in your life because of it?" And, and but specifically, what did, what action did you take, and how'd it go? That's the story part of it.
- MRMel Robbins
Ooh, I'd love to hear the story. And you can either put it in the review, or you can send it in at melrobbins.com, or you can post about it on social. That's a great one. Priya Parker, absolutely fantastic.
- PPPriya Parker
Thank you so much for having me.
- MRMel Robbins
Thank you so much for the work that you're doing. The whole team has been so excited for you to come.
- PPPriya Parker
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
And we have a lot of fun around here, but we all could have more meaningful and more intentional and purposeful connections-
- PPPriya Parker
Mm
- MRMel Robbins
... in our lives. And I just am, I'm super excited because the things that you suggested seem super simple, and that they would make an enormous difference, and I cannot wait. I'm going to particularly use the piece about sometimes people just need to go on a walk or to do soccer or to play badminton and not have a deep talk.
- PPPriya Parker
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And sometimes we need to take ownership over changing the way we're doing things and finding allies. And the entire section about, uh, the uncomfort, or the unhealthy peace, holy cow. That was incredible. And I also wanna thank you. Thank you for listening to something that will truly change the way you are showing up with your family, the kind of fun you can have and connections that you can make with your friends, your neighbors, work. There was so much here that I know I'm gonna apply. I truly hope you apply it. And if you do, I guarantee you, you're going to have more fun and more meaningful connections, and you deserve that. And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you as your friend, that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And you just heard Priya share with you that part of living a better life, it requires a little bit of heat from you. It requires you to change some things. It requires you to think about what you actually want and need, and then take responsibility for being the one that creates it, because you can, and I really hope you do. All righty. I'll see you in the very next episode. I'm gonna welcome you in the moment you hit play. And thank you for watching all the way to the end, and you're gonna love this next video, and I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play.
Episode duration: 1:06:45
Install uListen for AI-powered chat & search across the full episode — Get Full Transcript
Transcript of episode IDqKUXp2ENk
