What To Do When Your House Is A Mess (And You Can't Function) | The Mel Robbins Podcast

1. 0:00 – 4:23

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:03

      Is it just me, or some days does it feel freaking impossible to stay on top of everything you have to do at home? I mean, from the laundry, to the dishes, to dinner, to groceries, pick up this, pick up that, walk the dogs, feed the cat, it is endless. Well, guess what? I found this amazing woman, KC Davis, and she is here to show us when you can remove the shame from your to-do list, you will improve your life immediately. You aren't broken, you're just like the rest of us, you're human, and it's about damn time you and I talk about this. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Is it just me, or some days does it feel freaking impossible to stay on top of everything you have to do at home? I mean, from the laundry, to the dishes, to dinner, to groceries, pick up this, pick up that, walk the dogs, feed the cat, it is endless. And look, I know I'm not the only person who's overwhelmed, and I'm probably not the only person that looks at a pile of laundry and I see it as evidence there's something wrong with me that I can can't get the laundry done, because I keep getting DMs from so many listeners of this podcast, and you feel the exact same thing. Just listen to what fellow listeners are saying, "Mel, when everything gets overwhelming and multiple things happen at once, crazy workload, breakup, moving, I feel the need to protect the literal energy that I have for my kids, and then I'm drowning in the household chores. Everything is zapping my energy, even getting out of bed in the morning, so now I'm trying to avoid washing my hair for days." Been there. How about this one? "Emptying the dishwasher, laundry, you name it. I'm a single mom that works full-time, my whole life is overwhelming." Or this one, "When it gets to be too much, caring for myself always goes first. Showering, brushing my teeth, and then all of a sudden, the wheels come off on the household chores." Or this one, "Dishes, I hate doing the dishes. Hate, hate, hate." (laughs) You know what? Me too. Same, same, same. Or finally, "I am just so overwhelmed with all the little things at the moment, I don't even know where to start." Well, guess what? You don't have to know where to start, because on behalf of you and me, I found this amazing woman, KC Davis. Now, she's a therapist, but she sounds more like a wise friend, and I love that. And what she says is the problem isn't the dishes, the laundry, or the cleaning, it's the shame and the judgment that you and I are putting on ourselves. And she is here to show us that there is a way to take the pressure off yourself and get your to-do list done and still manage to take care of yourself, because you deserve that. In fact, within the first two pages of her best-selling book, How to Keep House When Drowning, I actually, ah, exhaled, because she gets it. And more importantly, her wisdom, her genius step-by-step advice, her simple hacks are gonna help you rise above the dirty dishes to a more compassionate and loving you. When you can remove the shame from your to-do list, you will improve your life immediately, and that's my mission today, to prove to you that you don't have to have it all together. You aren't broken, you're just like the rest of us, you're human, and it's about damn time you and I talk about this. So please help me welcome KC Davis to the Mel Robbins Podcast. KC, we've been waiting for you, woman. Hello.

   2. KDKC Davis3:36

      Hello.

   3. MRMel Robbins3:37

      So KC, I am so glad you are here because, you know, I struggle with staying organized and not beating myself up over it. I pretty much have my shit together in so many areas of my life. Can you explain why it's so hard to just get the simple chores done around the house?

   4. KDKC Davis4:01

      So I think there's kind of four variables here.

   5. MRMel Robbins4:04

      Okay.

   6. KDKC Davis4:04

      I think on a very basic level, um, there are emotional difficulties, like we tend to moralize care tasks, you know, if we can't get the laundry done on time, if the dishes are in the sink, we tend to tell ourselves that that's about us failing.

   7. MRMel Robbins4:18

      Mm.

   8. KDKC Davis4:18

      That's about us not being good enough, and that can really make it difficult

2. 4:23 – 7:26

   Why is it sometimes so hard to do even the small things?

   1. KDKC Davis4:23

      to find motivation, to get on top of those tasks, to think of creative ways to help yourself. I think for some people there's a physical aspect to it. You know, th- disability is a very real variable in making some of those tasks difficult. And then, of course, usually you have the emotional on top of it, right? It's hard for me to do this, and therefore I must be failing. And then we have the mental aspect of it. I think that there's a lot of people when they're under stress, when they're in bereavement, when life is just hard, you know, we don't appreciate how complex our brain is when it does those little tasks, and how our brain can go from doing things on autopilot to all of a sudden every step feels like you have to make yourself do it. Um, and I think on top, laying on top of all of that are just the societal messages that we have gotten about care tasks and about whose job it is to do those care tasks, what does it mean about the value of that labor to get those care tasks done, um, you know, who should be above doing those types of tasks, and whose job is it to do those tasks. Um, and I, so I think you run into a long history, societally, of, you know, what do we think about domestic labor, and about women, and about, um-

   2. MRMel Robbins5:41

      People of color.

   3. KDKC Davis5:42

      People of color, and, and how much should we have to pay for this kind of labor that we maybe don't see as valuable. Um, and so there's a, there's, there's surprisingly quite a bit of racism and sexism involved in those societal messages.

   4. MRMel Robbins5:57

      That makes a lot of sense. Um, I mean, from my own personal experience, I just think about the fact that I grew up in a house where my dad worked out of the house and my mom was a stay-at-home mom for most of it, and she did everything around the house.And it got ingrained in me subconsciously that it's just my job.

   5. KDKC Davis6:15

      Mm-hmm.

   6. MRMel Robbins6:15

      And that if I'm not able to do that job on top of every other job, then something must be wrong with me. How does that piece, the subconscious piece of what was modeled for you and what society tells you, and the fact that, let's just face it, most dudes are not doing the same amount of work. The division of labor in a household is, proven by research, should not be equal between, uh, people who identify as male and people who identify as female.

   7. KDKC Davis6:42

      Well, it's that same modeling. They saw their mother do it all, and they saw their dad not do it. They saw the men, you know, get around the football game after Thanksgiving while the women went in the kitchen and cleaned the dishes. And so much of this domestic labor is invisible. You don't realize how much work has been done unless it's not done.

   8. MRMel Robbins7:02

      Oh, that's so true. And I also think your point about morality, how does what you saw growing up or what society has sort of imprinted on all of us, how does that impact what you're talking about when there's moral weight to whether or not the dishes are done, or the laundry is done, or your house is clean, or you got it all together?

   9. KDKC Davis7:25

      Well, you start

3. 7:26 – 10:22

   Your disappointment in yourself goes so much deeper than chores.

   1. KDKC Davis7:26

      to think, you know, my value, I think this especially happens for, for people who identify as women, my value is directly tied to my ability to pull this off.

   2. MRMel Robbins7:37

      Hmm.

   3. KDKC Davis7:37

      And even in, in, you know, I consider myself a very progressive woman, a very feminist woman, I don't think my value is how good I am at laundry, but then it becomes something even more insidious, which is, "I should be able to have this career and not let my house fall to shit." That's what the, that's what boss ladies do, and-

   4. MRMel Robbins7:55

      (laughs)

   5. KDKC Davis7:55

      ... and if I can't do that, you know, then I feel as though I'm failing, and then those old societal things that I didn't even think I believed about, well, if people come over, they're gonna judge me for this house not being clean.

   6. MRMel Robbins8:07

      I could not agree more. I am just like you in feeling like, okay, I'm a feminist, but, and I'm a girl, or, and I'm a badass boss lady and I can do it all, but as I'm standing in the laundry room and I see what is almost always a parade of piles on the floor, and I'm lucky enough that I've got a little room with a machine in it, I can do my laundry, I look at these piles on the floor, I look at the crisp white towels that I once bought at Target, and I say to myself, "Why are they blue?"

   7. KDKC Davis8:47

      Hmm.

   8. MRMel Robbins8:47

      "Why did somebody have to wash 'em with a pair of jeans? Why can't I stay on top of this?" And I feel this level of overwhelm and failure that I don't wanna feel. And so, and this is universal. Like, I, I was so blown away by the number of people that poured into the DMs and the comments that listened to this show, that are overwhelmed by the simplest tasks of keeping up with your stuff at home and taking care of yourself. And so aside from the bigger messaging, which I agree with you, how does that impact why it's so hard?

   9. KDKC Davis9:33

      And here we are 2023 where we're not only supposed to be on top of all the housework, but most of us are also supposed to have jobs and have ambitions and be a girl boss and do all these things, and it's, it's just frankly too much for one person to handle.

   10. MRMel Robbins9:47

       Hmm.

   11. KDKC Davis9:47

       But because of those societal messages coming to a head, we have, we have looked at care tasks as moral obligations, that this is the sign of whether or not I'm a valid adult, I'm a good mother, I'm a competent spouse, I have my stuff together, and we equate having our shit together with being a worthwhile human being, being deserving of love.

   12. MRMel Robbins10:14

       You're right. I just thought I was disorganized. This is a crisis (laughs) of how I am

4. 10:22 – 21:03

   Here’s what your piles of laundry say about you. OR don’t.

   1. MRMel Robbins10:22

      actually showing up as a human being when I stare at these piles. It goes so much deeper, which is why what I read over and over and over again in the DMs is this level of heaviness around doing household chores and taking care of yourself.

   2. KDKC Davis10:44

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins10:44

      So let's keep going even deeper. You talked about the fact that chores and other actions around your house, doing the dishes, keeping it tidy, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash, that these are morally neutral. What the hell does that mean?

   4. KDKC Davis11:03

      So most of us, you know, like you said, we look at the laundry, we walk by the dishes, and there's this message we give ourselves of, "I'm really screwing up. I'm a failure." Like, worst case, "I'm a failure. I don't deserve love." Best case, "Oh, KC, get it together. Ugh, like, ugh." There's just this constant frustration, and we feel as though they are truly reflections of our character as a person. And, and the biggest message that I have for people is that it is a morally neutral task. Mess is morally neutral. Dishes do not make meaning, only people do, and we are assigning that meaning. That's coming from our head. Maybe it's our voice, maybe it's someone in our life's voice that's kind of internalized, but we're the one walking by the dishes and going, "Look at what a failure I am."

   5. MRMel Robbins11:56

      It's true, but I still don't quite get it, because to me, (laughs) when I see piles of dishes everywhere, when I see parades of laundry, when I can't get out of bed, and on those mornings where I don't wanna make my bed-... or I see the trash piling over, or like this morning. This morning, I went to make a cup of coffee and the milk was that kind of, the, the state of the milk in the carton was, you know when you pick up a carton of milk and it's got maybe an inch?

   6. KDKC Davis12:30

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins12:30

      And you kind of shake it, and you're like, "Uh-oh."

   8. KDKC Davis12:32

      (laughs)

   9. MRMel Robbins12:32

      "Uh, is that like, is this going to be okay?" And then you screw off the top and take a whiff and you're like, "Ugh, this just turned." So, I can't even get it together to get to the store to get a gallon of milk so that I can have my coffee here, and then I stand there and I'm like, just what you said, "Mel, what the hell? You can't even, like, get the fridge stocked? You can't keep milk in place for yourself so you can have a cup of coffee, for crying out loud?"

   10. KDKC Davis13:02

       Yeah.

   11. MRMel Robbins13:02

       "What is wrong with you?"

   12. KDKC Davis13:03

       Yeah, so the meaning...

   13. MRMel Robbins13:05

       And so what do you mean, though, by moral-

   14. KDKC Davis13:06

       ... that you made about that.

   15. MRMel Robbins13:06

       'Cause, but isn't that true? Like, isn't there something wrong with the fact that I can't keep the fridge stocked and I can't keep on top of the laundry? Like, aren't I doing something wrong?

   16. KDKC Davis13:15

       Well, that's the meaning that you made of it. But let me ask you this, Mel, like, what else could it mean? What else-

   17. MRMel Robbins13:21

       Oh.

   18. KDKC Davis13:21

       ... could that pile of laundry mean?

   19. MRMel Robbins13:23

       It could mean that we've had non-stop visitors for the last 10 days, and, um, there are, people use a lot of towels. That's what that means. (laughs)

   20. KDKC Davis13:37

       Yeah, so that's kind of like a neutral, neutral thing, right? Like, "Oh, we had visitors." That's certainly morally neutral. D- let me tell you, what did you do with those visitors while they were here?

   21. MRMel Robbins13:46

       Um, we hung out. We had a great time. We swam in the pond, we, uh, watched the sunset, we ate great meals, we played Cribbage, we went out to dinner. It was awesome.

   22. KDKC Davis13:57

       So you were h- you exercised hospitality, you prioritized those relationships while they were in your home.

   23. MRMel Robbins14:05

       Mm-hmm.

   24. KDKC Davis14:05

       I mean, to me, that laundry means something good about you.

   25. MRMel Robbins14:09

       Oh, I love you already. This is good.

   26. KDKC Davis14:12

       Right? Like, you've prioritized something that I think if we were all just to look at the objectively, is more important than, than the laundry that day, or however many days. Now don't get me wrong, you still deserve clean clothes. So I'm not saying laundry doesn't matter, but it sounds like that mess in your home actually means really good things about you.

   27. MRMel Robbins14:37

       It's true. So if somebody that's listening is like, "Well, I had no visitors, and it's just piled up. Like, the kids' soccer stuff has piled up, or my roommate's pile of laundry is in front of my pile of laundry, or it's like now at the end of my bed, because the, uh, laundromat is down the street," how would you flip that for somebody listening?

   28. KDKC Davis15:02

       Well, it helps to think, "What would I say to a friend?" sometimes-

   29. MRMel Robbins15:06

       Hmm.

   30. KDKC Davis15:06

       ... in this case. Because what if what it means about you is that you're having a hard time? Uh, but don't, don't people who are having a hard time deserve compassion? And aren't you also people? Like, does it have to mean... It doesn't h- we don't have, it's not toxic positivity, it doesn't have to mean something great about you, although sometimes it does.
5. 21:03 – 23:08

   I confess; this is the only time I’m motivated to do laundry.

   1. MRMel Robbins21:03

      do my laundry, and it's at that moment, because I do believe I deserve clean underwear. Don't- I'm beyond the days of college where I would sometimes turn them inside out. Uh, don't tell me you haven't done that in a pinch, everybody. Um, that's the tipping point, and I wanna stay on this topic of why some of these simple or seemingly simple chores or tasks of taking care of yourself can be so daunting. And let's talk about showering-

   2. KDKC Davis21:40

      Hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins21:40

      ... because one of the things that I noticed in the 56 pages of DMs that we received in a matter of 12 hours from our audience about feeling overwhelmed by chores or taking care of yourself, showers kept coming up. I'm gonna read some from our listeners. "One of my first indicators that I'm slipping into a funk is I start avoiding showers. Perhaps it's a reflection of how I subconsciously view myself, but I can't even find the energy to want to." Another one, "I say to myself, 'I can sit here and do nothing and feel like crap, or I can move and do things and feel crappy.' But on my worst mental health days, even taking a shower is so incredibly exhausting." Here's another one. "My self-doubt got so bad after a breakup at one point, even the thought of showering was exhausting." Can you help us understand why something that seems on the surface like something that you would do every day, it's not that big of a deal, is actually daunting?

   4. KDKC Davis22:51

      Well, it really comes down to brain science and the way that your brain works. I mean, we have the part of your brain that does things like make the decision to get up and do something, time management, uh, you know, changing your fo- shifting your focus back and forth,

6. 23:08 – 32:36

   Who knew what a WIN it was every time you make it to the shower?

   1. KDKC Davis23:08

      maintaining that motivation, all of these little things are called executive functions. And everyone has had the experience of maybe having a stressful day at work or a lot going on and you're thinking and you're thinking and you're thinking, and you just hit a wall-

   2. MRMel Robbins23:23

      Hmm.

   3. KDKC Davis23:23

      ... and your brain goes, (mouth farts) "I'm done."

   4. MRMel Robbins23:25

      (laughs)

   5. KDKC Davis23:25

      "I'm not doing this anymore."

   6. MRMel Robbins23:26

      I call that Tuesday.

   7. KDKC Davis23:28

      Yeah, (laughs) and that happens to us. It happens to us under stress. It happens to us with sleep deprivation. It happens to us with physical pain. It happened to- happens to us if we've just had a lot to do that day. It happens to us if there's a lot of emotional things going on, and it happens to us if we have a disorder or a struggle that just biologically compromises those executive functions, so if we have ADHD, autism, PTSD, depression, anxiety, um, OCD, all of those things. And so, we think showering is this simple two-step process. It's more like 35 steps, and when your executive functions are firing properly, it runs like autopilot. It runs like autopilot. I mean, think about getting on a plane and taking off, and you're thinking, okay, you get on the plane, you take off. But if you were to look at that from the perspective of the guy in, in the air traffic control-

   8. MRMel Robbins24:19

      Yeah.

   9. KDKC Davis24:19

      And how much he's doing. You got these planes in the air, these planes here. Move this plane over there. Land this one. Take off this one.

   10. MRMel Robbins24:25

       Right.

   11. KDKC Davis24:25

       This one needs to stall. This one needs to go in a circle, and move this plane over there. And we have a service issue on this plane, so back it up off of this one. And w- I need this plane to kinda circle around for a while, while I address this. And, and that is how complex your brain is when it is trying to do even a simple task, and that is your executive functioning. It's trying to deal with your emotions, your thoughts, the time management, your behaviors. What behavior should it initiate? What feelings are coming in? What things do they need to cons- what information do you need to consider about the rest of your day? I mean, it is that complex.

   12. MRMel Robbins24:58

       Not to mention what the pilot's doing. Walk us through these invisible 35 steps, or at least the first couple, so that you really break this down and allow the person listening to understand that when you're overwhelmed, this isn't just hop in the shower and hop out. This is a series of conscious decisions and actions that you need to take at a moment in time where you already feel like you're moving in quicksand. So, let's just break down something simple like showering or brushing your teeth.

   13. KDKC Davis25:31

       So, wherever you are, you have to think about the shower. That's step one. Then you're gonna have feelings about the shower, and you're gonna have to navigate those feelings. And so however many steps that takes you, um, you're gonna have some thoughts about whether or not you do or do not want to shower, and you're gonna have to contend with those thoughts.

   14. MRMel Robbins25:52

       Hmm.

   15. KDKC Davis25:52

       So, you just read those people's examples, and you can hear their first step. "Ugh, I haven't done this in so long. Oh, what a, what a piece of junk I am. I'm so dirty. I'm ashamed. I can't let anybody know about this." So, already we're in a hard spot. Now, we're having to contend with a bunch of emotions that make us feel like failures, and our brain is naturally gonna wanna go, "Nope. We need to move away. We need to move away from the thing that makes us feel like a failure." You are gonna need to make a motor plan to stand up, and you're gonna stand up. You're gonna have to think about whether or not you have time to shower. Um, maybe you need, need to also deal with the time management aspect. Do you have time to take a shower? Shower- short shower? Long shower? What else do you have to do today? Do you need to go pick something up? You don't wanna do that dirty, but you also wanna go exercise, and so you don't wanna do that clean. And, and you gotta figure all that's, uh, out in your brain. Uh-

   16. MRMel Robbins26:40

       Where are the kids? What's happening with the dogs?

   17. KDKC Davis26:42

       Exactly.

   18. MRMel Robbins26:42

       Is the roommate here?

   19. KDKC Davis26:43

       How much time do you have to shower? Do you need to set an alarm? Do you need to get some clean towels? Do you have clothes to wear? You need to think about what you're doing that day. That's a step, right? Like, if I wanna go to drop something off for my kid at school, and I don't wanna look dirty to do it, but also I wanted to go exercise, and I don't wanna go exercise clean. That seems silly. So, you gotta figure that out. This is all before we've even gotten to the bathroom, by the way. And so we're gonna go to the bathroom. On the way to the bathroom, one really important step is ignoring all of the stimuli coming in on the way to the bathroom, so if you see other things that need to be done, other things that are gonna try to take your attention. So, we get to the shower.

   20. MRMel Robbins27:21

       Ugh, the shower's dirty. Why did my roommate leave their razor in here? Ah, ah, ah, what time is it? Who's around? Like, all of it.

   21. KDKC Davis27:30

       Now, you have to take your clothes off, and that might bring lots of steps. That might bring in some steps dealing with how you feel about yourself, how you feel about your body. That's gonna bring in maybe some sensory issues. Are you cold? Are you hot? Do you need to do something different? Do you wanna adjust the temperature? Do you wanna turn on... Like, all those steps, right? Now, we have to turn on the water. So, we can turn the water on. Now we have to wait. We have to wait for it to get to a certain temperature, and then we need to adjust it. And let's hope that your water's working and on, by the way, or we're gonna have to take some time to think about the financial struggles that you're under. Um, or, you know, that you don't have one of those ones that either gives you ice cold or lava of Mordor, because then we can think about our plumbing for a while. So, you get it right to where it needs to be. Your clothes are off. You make sure you have a towel. You make sure you have a bath mat. You get in. You make sure that you have your, your shampoo and your this and your that, and did you get your razor out? Because I'm always getting in and realizing I don't have my razor 'cause I've taken something out of the thing, right? Now you have to decide kind of what order you're gonna go in. People feel very strongly about this. So, you're gonna wash your hair, and you're gonna do it right. And then you're gonna think about how you're supposed to wash it twice but maybe you won't, and what does that mean? And then you're gonna have just like, random thoughts.

   22. MRMel Robbins28:38

       Do I have shampoo? Do I wanna blow dry my hair? If I get my hair wet... Should I get my hair wet? If I'm not getting my hair wet, where is the thing to put my hair up in?

   23. KDKC Davis28:47

       There's lots of steps in processing the random thoughts, and so you don't get distracted and just stand there. Then you're gonna do the conditioner. So, maybe you rinse, wash, repeat. Maybe you didn't. Um, what's happening with that water? Do you have other things going on? Are you wanting to run the dishwasher? Does somebody else need to take a shower? How long can you sit here under this hot water? Um, so we're gonna do that. Then you're gonna do your body. Do you have the soap? Do you have a loofah? Are you gonna use your loofah? What order are you gonna go in on your body so you don't end up washing your face right after your ass, right? You're gonna do all that. Then let's think about like, what cosmetic things are we gonna do in here? Are we gonna shave our legs? Are we gonna shave our armpits? Do we want to do any of that? Um, let's, you know, maybe we do our face in here. Maybe we brush our teeth in here. We have to make all of those decisions. Then we have to stand there under this warm, amazing water and think about the fact we have to get out. You might have to think about what time it is. You might have to answer a child. You might have to think about, okay, now we have to psych ourselves up to get out of this warmth, so then you'd have to make the decision to turn it off. Then you have to make the decision to probably dry your hair or wrap your hair up. Then you get your other towel. You have to dry your body. You have to get out of the shower. You have to contend with the, uh, sensory change. You have to decide, am I going to just stand here and look at my phone on the bed or, you know, am I gonna completely go? Do I wanna get a, a brand-new towel that's clean and dry or do I wanna go with this damp one I have around my body? Then you have to decide where to throw those towels. Are they gonna go on the floor? Are they gonna go in the hamper? Do you have a hamper? Um, you know, are- do you gonna hang them back up to use them again? When is the last time you used that towel, by the way? Is it ready to go in the hamper or can you put it back up on the thing? Okay, now you're naked. Now what are you gonna do? Are you gonna put clothes on immediately? Is it the clothes you're gonna go out in? Are you at that weird damp phase where maybe you don't wanna quite put your clothes on but you don't wanna stand there naked, so maybe you go to your closet and you go get your clothes on, and then you come back. And then you have to decide- I mean like, all of this is still like the act of showering and we haven't even put our clothes on or done our hair. And when you're already under stress, it's not just that first step you have to like psych yourself up for and consciously do. You're having to put that much energy into every step.

   24. MRMel Robbins30:54

       Makes sense.

   25. KDKC Davis30:55

       Right?

   26. MRMel Robbins30:55

       You know what's interesting, is that I went for a walk this morning, and I was going to take a shower, but when I got there, I started considering how much time, and then I realized I hadn't fed the dogs yet, and then I looked down at the floor and there was no bath mat there. And I thought, (laughs) "I don't want to get out of the shower and then put, like have it track water everywhere." And then I looked at the towels, and then I thought, "I don't, well, if I could lay down a towel, but then I'm going to have to wash that towel 'cause then I'm not going to want to take a towel that I stepped on with my dirty-ass feet around my body." You're right.

   27. KDKC Davis31:32

       And then you're thinking about-

   28. MRMel Robbins31:32

       It's way more complicated.

   29. KDKC Davis31:32

       ... the laundry that got piled up because you had the guests and everybody used the towels, and oh, maybe you should actually go do the laundry, right? Like there's, it's, and that's the attention shifting focus, right? So if any of that's impaired, you're just staring and, and you're paralyzed and you're frozen. Right?

   30. MRMel Robbins31:47

       Wow.
7. 32:36 – 40:13

   Here’s how brushing your teeth can creep up on you in insidious ways.

   1. KDKC Davis32:36

      ashamed to struggle with is brushing their teeth.

   2. MRMel Robbins32:39

      Really?

   3. KDKC Davis32:40

      Mm-hmm. Because there's-

   4. MRMel Robbins32:41

      Why do you think that is, that they're ashamed of that?

   5. KDKC Davis32:43

      There's so much messaging around dirtiness and cleanliness when it comes to our body. To be dirty is to be gross, to be disgusting, and when you're struggling with that, we don't talk about that a lot, so you're thinking you're the only one struggling with it, you're the only gross one, and so you better not let anyone know how gross you are 'cause who would love such a gross person?

   6. MRMel Robbins33:08

      Hmm.

   7. KDKC Davis33:09

      And so now, we're not just dealing with maybe some executive functioning or some mood issues or some frustration or whatever it is to go brush your teeth, we're dealing with the whole weight of what a piece of shit you are that you can't get it enough together to be a basic human being. Do you even deserve clean teeth? I mean, it just gets real dark, real fast.

   8. MRMel Robbins33:28

      Well, that's why I wanted to talk to you, because you know, the topic of shame and self-hatred or self-criticism is this big kind of heady topic, and I love your work because you're identifying the ways in which it creeps in an insidious way into the day-to-day aspects of our life, and if you're living your life in a way where, I think all of us are, you see a pile of laundry, there's evidence that you don't have your act together. You see a dirty, uh, messy house, there's evidence that you don't have your act together and you better not invite friends over. You see the fridge has sour milk in it like mine did this morning, it's evidence that you just can't get it done, and you're never going to get it done. And when you talk about the number one thing that people are ashamed about when it comes to not being able to really have yourself together being brushing your teeth and the pounding that you give yourself for just not being able to do that, I will share with everybody, because it's occurring to me, this is a way in which shame and judgment has crept into my life. There are lots of mornings where I'm either running late or I'm too tired because, you know, I've got this electric toothbrush and you're supposed to do it for two minutes, and I don't feel like doing it for two minutes, and then I have this other thing too where I have a r- I'm- this is probably getting to be too much TMI, everybody, but I'm just going there, okay? Um, I have a really weird, like, uh, gag reflex. It's, like super triggery. Like, I can't brush my tongue, you guys. Like, I'm embarrassed to admit this. Like, what's wrong with me that it's like, uh, ugh, eh, and so then I never brush my teeth for the two minutes that you're supposed to. I always turn it off early. I get bored while I'm doing it, and just recently, my dog, uh, chewed up the end of it. I went for probably five days without a toothbrush.

   9. KDKC Davis35:31

      Yeah.

   10. MRMel Robbins35:32

       So what did I do? I, I swizzled the Listerine and I'd pop a thing of gum in my mouth.

   11. KDKC Davis35:38

       I thought-

   12. MRMel Robbins35:38

       But then I felt bad all day, like, there's something wrong with me. Like, I've got sh-

   13. KDKC Davis35:41

       No, there's not.

   14. MRMel Robbins35:42

       ... carpeting on my teeth. No, I don't-

   15. KDKC Davis35:44

       There's nothing wrong with you.

   16. MRMel Robbins35:44

       ... 'cause I just chewed it off with a piece of gum.

   17. KDKC Davis35:47

       I brush my teeth at best every other day. It's a s- it's been a struggle since I had my second kid, and one of the things that is so interesting about, and this is, this is the same with every other care task, when you begin to speak about it plainly and without shame like we're doing right now, it's important to remember that we're not just talking about breaking free from shame because it's a nice thing to do or because, you know, it's warm and fuzzy to, like feel nice about yourself. It is because research has shown that being, sort of drowning in shame arrests your psychological functioning, and that compassion and self-compassion actually increases your psychological functioning. So I don't just want you to step away from shame because, you know, rah, rah, you deserve it, although I do think that's true. I want you to have better functioning in your life, better quality of life, and just from a practical standpoint, it is going to require we step out of shame, and a lot of us don't want to let go of shame because we feel as though beating ourselves up is the atonement that we can pay for not being good enough. It's this weird way of trying to regain some sense of worthiness, because I may not be worthy.... but I know that it's a good thing to hate bad things, so at least I hate myself. At least that one part of me is worthy.

   18. MRMel Robbins37:07

       I do feel a little dirty.

   19. KDKC Davis37:08

       Yeah.

   20. MRMel Robbins37:08

       I'm going to admit it. I feel like there's something, like it's some weird thing about me that... And, and I... And now I'm realizing we probably traumatized my son because he, he literally went years without brushing his teeth when he was little. He had yellow, fuzzy, carpeted teeth, and he's got big choppers. And we teased him, "Dude, you can't go to school." And so now I need to clean that mess up, but I do feel like there's something dirty about not brushing your teeth. Why do we feel this way?

   21. KDKC Davis37:38

       It's the same thing, we've moralized the ability to care for ourselves. And the truth is, is that most of these things are pretty simple to fix or help, but you wouldn't know that if you were too afraid to speak to somebody plainly about it. I mean, th- this... I see this a lot with, uh, postpartum mothers because you're used to, you wake up, you go to your vanity, you're going outside. The main motivation that I always had for brushing my teeth that kept me brushing my teeth every day was, "I'm about to walk out the door and people are going to smell my breath." All of a sudden, I had a kid, I started working from home, I don't leave my house every day. That motivation went away, yet I had 30 years where that was the main motivation for brushing my teeth, and now I don't have it, and I know what it's supposed to be. I know it's supposed to be, "Oh, I want my teeth to not fall out of my head, and I want to be clean," but that's such a far away thing-

   22. MRMel Robbins38:27

       Right.

   23. KDKC Davis38:27

       ... whereas I was used to working with a motivation that was a very instant feedback. I'm having to redo my whole neuropathway of how I think about teeth brushing. I don't go to my sink the first thing in the morning 'cause a baby's crying or a puppy's whining. I don't ha- you know, and, and all of these things. Not to mention for a lot of people, they felt so ashamed of this, and when you give them permission to get curious about what is the barrier, they think and they think and they say something like, "You know, the taste of mint burns my mouth. It's a really unpleasant sensation." And then you go, "Okay, well, what if we use some strawberry toothpaste?" And it's like, "Wait, what?" Like, years of avoiding this task and feeling bad about it and feeling ashamed about it and feeling this, that, and the other when, man, maybe it's... Maybe, maybe the issue isn't, you know, you're a fuck-up. Maybe the issue is you have a sensory sensitivity and you can just use some strawberry toothpaste. Like, what is a moral issue about having a gag, uh, like, a sensitive gag reflex?

   24. MRMel Robbins39:32

       I don't know. I just feel like I shouldn't. I, I... It's the stupidest ways in which we beat ourselves up.

   25. KDKC Davis39:40

       Yeah, like, you're allowed to be human.

   26. MRMel Robbins39:42

       And, and, and you know, you know what I thought when you said, "Oh, you could get strawberry toothpaste?" My immediate reaction, Casey, was, "Well, that's for kids."

   27. KDKC Davis39:50

       Hm. Mm-hmm.

   28. MRMel Robbins39:52

       That's not like adult toothpaste, and so now I'm not giving myself permission to make it work for me.

   29. KDKC Davis39:59

       Not-

   30. MRMel Robbins39:59

       I'm again coming back to this, like, "It's got to be a certain way. You got to do it a certain way, and if you don't, you're dirty and you're this and something's wrong with you."
8. 40:13 – 42:42

   Alternatives to showers when you just don’t have it in you.

   1. KDKC Davis40:13

      shower?"

   2. MRMel Robbins40:15

      To clean yourself?

   3. KDKC Davis40:16

      Okay, so if the point is to be clean, and I would agree all of those people deserve to be clean and comfortable, is a shower the only way to get clean?

   4. MRMel Robbins40:27

      That's a good point. No. You could stand in front of the sink and wash your private parts and your armpits.

   5. KDKC Davis40:33

      Yeah.

   6. MRMel Robbins40:34

      You could, uh, wipe yourself down with a baby wipe.

   7. KDKC Davis40:37

      Yeah. What if... And someone says, "I don't like getting in the shower because I don't want to do my hair." Okay, well what if you didn't do your hair?

   8. MRMel Robbins40:46

      Yeah.

   9. KDKC Davis40:47

      "Well, I, I, I hate the sensory sensitivity of being hot, cold, hot, cold." Okay, well, do you have a, um, a little heater that you could turn on for 20 minutes before you got into the shower? Is there a podcast you love that could be your shower podcast so you're not as bored when you're in there? Is there... Like, there's all these things we can do if we get out of the shame aspect of it and just go, "Here's the thing, I deserve to be clean. Having a hard time getting in the shower. Can I... Is there some ways I can move around these barriers?" Like, not every barrier has to be gone through.

   10. MRMel Robbins41:19

       Hm. I love that. And by the way, I'll go in the shower with you. So if you want somebody to talk to while you're showering, you just take Mel Robbins right in there with you.

   11. KDKC Davis41:29

       (laughs)

   12. MRMel Robbins41:30

       Um, you wrote in your book that your space should serve you.

   13. KDKC Davis41:36

       Hm.

   14. MRMel Robbins41:37

       What do you mean?

   15. KDKC Davis41:39

       So I think for a lot of us, you know, we look at those dishes and we look at the laundry, feel so overwhelmed, and we react in one of two ways, is that we either feel paralyzed at how much there is and do nothing, and it builds up and builds up and builds up, or we go into that activated state and we just go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, and we don't allow ourselves to sit. We don't allow ourselves to rest. We don't allow ourselves to do anything less than perfect. And because of those two things, um, we, we have a lot of people that are kind of running around like a chicken with their head cut off, kind of pinballing about their house trying to get things done, and there's this exhaustion of, "It, it's not good enough, and that's a reflection on me and how well I'm doing." And what I like to say is, "You do not exist to serve your house. Your house exists to serve you." So yes, that's going to take some maintenance from us, but it's your, it's your house's job to serve you, not your job to serve a house.

9. 42:42 – 47:04

   How can you make your space calm?

   1. MRMel Robbins42:42

      What do you do if you're someone like me that truly prefers a house that is pulled together? Like, my brain, when the counters are clear and the shoes are in the cubbies and the pillows have a karate chop (laughs) ... You know, like... Uh, I can feel my brain go...So, a house that serves me best is the one that really does look pulled together, and yet there are times where I can't seem to pull it together, and maybe, KC, it's because for my family, chores and picking up seem to be morally neutral. They don't seem to be bothered by the mess. I'm the one that is like, uh, like, bothered by it 'cause they walk right by the dog poop, or the pile of laundry, or the dead flowers in the vase, or the sh- (laughs) you know, the, the, the stuff in the... Not my husband so much. Chris is pretty awesome. But the kids, absolutely. What do you do if you want your space to be calm and to be kind of clutter-free, because that's what does serve you on the rare occasions that it happens?

   2. KDKC Davis43:58

      So, there's a lot of ways to address that and the first one I always like to say is I love to get curious with people about why that is relaxing to them, because there is a difference between, "I feel more at ease when my space is functional and, and when things are beautiful. I like to look at beautiful things."

   3. MRMel Robbins44:17

      Hmm.

   4. KDKC Davis44:18

      Versus, "When my house is put together right, I feel like I'm doing okay. I can breathe. I feel like I've got it, I've, I've got myself together, and therefore, I am worthy." So, what you tell yourself when your house is clean will mirror what you tell yourself when your house is messy, because if you look around at your house put together and go, "Okay, see? See? I- I'm a real adult. I've got it together. I- I'm on top of things," then when you have a, uh, a week when it's messy, well, what must that mean? So, I like to kind of differentiate that there's a difference between a functional enjoyment of your space, "I like to know where my things are and get them. I like to be able to, you know, walk into my kitchen and see a beautiful vase of flowers. I like to not smell dog shit on the floor." Right? Like, those are functional enjoyments of your space.

   5. MRMel Robbins45:09

      (laughs)

   6. KDKC Davis45:09

      That's different than, "I, I, r- I can't rest unless it's perfect," but, because it doesn't actually serve you. If perfect makes you not have anxiety, that doesn't necessarily mean perfect d- perfect serves you.

   7. MRMel Robbins45:22

      Well, then, let's go there, because as I was listening to you, I would divide, at least for me, my house into two, um, spots, public and private. And so, in the public spaces, because I work from home like so many of us do, and there's a lot of people coming in and out, um, and a lot of people have busy households with kids and that kind of stuff, I just find that I love beauty.

   8. KDKC Davis45:51

      Mm-hmm.

   9. MRMel Robbins45:51

      I love the flowers. I love the home being like, like a warm hug for people to walk into, just in a few rooms. And I don't feel this moral obligation. It's just that I just feel an exhale, and I don't feel like there's anything that I need to do, and maybe we're gonna go psychological now, to prepare anything for anybody, to make them feel welcome and like things are waiting.

   10. KDKC Davis46:20

       Yeah.

   11. MRMel Robbins46:20

       In the private spaces, though, I beat myself up.

   12. KDKC Davis46:24

       Mm-hmm.

   13. MRMel Robbins46:24

       Like the laundry room, the bathrooms, the, uh, my closet. My closet, uh, has a, you know, a stool in it where I currently have a Tetris game going with dirty laundry. Um, uh, my favorite cleaning method is to close the door and then feel bad about it, that there's a pile in there that's still waiting for me. Like, there is that... I'm, I, I, there, I'm, I'm... It's not that I want a beautiful closet. I feel like I can't get to the shit, and there's something wrong with me.

   14. KDKC Davis46:55

       Well, it's important to remember that care tasks are not binary states of done or not done. They are cycles.

   15. MRMel Robbins47:02

       What does that mean?

   16. KDKC Davis47:03

       So, what that

10. 47:04 – 49:46

    This reframe of your household chores will change your life.

    1. KDKC Davis47:04

       means is that we're used to going, "Are the dishes done or they not done? Is the laundry done or is it not done?" But in, in truth-

    2. MRMel Robbins47:10

       That's true.

    3. KDKC Davis47:11

       ... your laundry exists in a cycle. You have-

    4. MRMel Robbins47:14

       It does.

    5. KDKC Davis47:14

       ... clothes that are clean in the closet. You have clothes that are on your body. You have clothes that are dirty on the floor. You have clothes that are dirty in the hamper. You have clothes that are dirty waiting to go in the wash. You have some in the wash. You have some there. You have some that are wait- Like, that's a cycle and every state of that cycle, Mel, is morally neutral. You're not a good person when it, they're all parked in the, you know, closet, and a bad person when they're in the hamper. It's okay for any of it to be in that cycle, and you are not morally obligated to line up every care cycle in your home at the done state at the same time.

    6. MRMel Robbins47:50

       If you could see me right now as you're listening to this podcast, you on YouTube, come o- My mouth is on the floor because KC Davis, (clapping) you just changed my fucking life with that reframe. Let me just give it back to you 'cause I want you listening to really grab ahold of this. First of all, if you think about laundry, the machine has cycles (laughs) that you can pick from. And laundry, if you think about it like a never-ending cycle, just a never-ending cycle of things that go in the washer, things that go in the dryer, things that go back to the spots where they're gonna go, then they go back in the washer (laughs) , then they go back in the dryer. It's never a thing that gets done. It's always a cycle. The same thing is true with grocery shopping.

    7. KDKC Davis48:45

       Mm-hmm.

    8. MRMel Robbins48:45

       You don't get grocery shopping done. You do it in a cycle. Same thing. This is tidy.

    9. KDKC Davis48:50

       The same thing is true with tidying. I mean, you, uh, my, my playroom, my living room, it's not clean or dirty. It's-... clean, perfect, just cleaned it. It's a few toys on the floor. It's a few toys and a few more on the floor. It's, and, and here's the key. In that cycle, there's a place where it reaches where it's not functional anymore, and that's where-

    10. MRMel Robbins49:10

        Hmm.

    11. KDKC Davis49:10

        ... I want to reset the cycle.

    12. MRMel Robbins49:12

        Okay.

    13. KDKC Davis49:12

        But the, the key isn't how do I get everything done and keep it done and keep on top of it? The key is, how do I learn to turn all of these cycles at a pace where it's functional, where I can't, where I have clean clothes when I need them, clean dishes when I need them. I always say, like, when I decided to take on the laundry of my home, I signed up to make sure that my family always has clean clothes. I did not sign up to make sure they never have dirty ones.

    14. MRMel Robbins49:37

        Oh, say that again.

    15. KDKC Davis49:39

        Same with the dishes.

    16. MRMel Robbins49:40

        Louder for the people in the back, Casey. Say that again.

    17. KDKC Davis49:43

        I signed up to make sure that my family always has

11. 49:46 – 51:44

    Ditch the guilt and shame when you realize that you didn’t sign up for this.

    1. KDKC Davis49:46

       clean dishes to eat off of. I did not sign up to make sure they never have dirty ones.

    2. MRMel Robbins49:53

       And for the laundry, I signed up to make sure I have clean clothes and so do my families. I never signed up to make sure that there were never dirty clothes. Oh my God.

    3. KDKC Davis50:06

       An- and you get to customize that cycle, because if you're moving that cycle too fast, Mel, you're exhausted, you're perfectionistic, you're anxious, you can't sit down, you can't rest. Or if you're struggling in such a way where you're not moving those cycles fast enough, you don't have clean clothes, you, you can't function in your space, thing, so you just want to get a pace that works for you, and you can customize those cycles. I don't fold my clothes, because that was the part that was st- sticking the cycle.

    4. MRMel Robbins50:35

       How so?

    5. KDKC Davis50:36

       So-

    6. MRMel Robbins50:36

       Like, why, what did you figure out about yourself? Because it's interesting that you say that, Casey, because I could load a dishwasher full of dirty dishes all day long. I could load a washing machine, and I love stain stick in that stuff and shoving it in there, and like all the things, and, and I can even move it to the dryer. When the dryer beeps or the dishwasher is done, I have some kind of a trauma response to that, because I hate putting things away. Hate it.

    7. KDKC Davis51:09

       Yeah, it sucks.

    8. MRMel Robbins51:12

       Yes.

    9. KDKC Davis51:13

       Can I make a guess on why?

    10. MRMel Robbins51:16

        Bring it on.

    11. KDKC Davis51:16

        Okay. Well, I'll tell you what it is for me, and we'll see what it is for you. The act of loading things, my brain naturally will do it in a pattern, right?

    12. MRMel Robbins51:24

        Yes.

    13. KDKC Davis51:24

        Like if I'm loading up the dishwasher, it's like cups, cups, cups, cups, cups, plates, plates, plates, plates, plates, and I'm putting it all in in this beautiful Tetris whatever, right? Same with laundry. It's going in, it's going in, it's going in, it's going in, and I'm dump, dump, dump, dump, shut. It's this pattern. But when you have to put dishes away, it's pick up, look at it, cup, fucking cup goes

12. 51:44 – 56:24

    Here’s why emptying the dishwasher is way worse than loading it.

    1. KDKC Davis51:44

       over here. This is a, okay, this is a... Like, there's the bending. Nobody likes to bend over and over, and there's no pattern. Like, your brain likes patterns. It gets a little dopamine juice from it.

    2. MRMel Robbins51:55

       Oh my God, I even, when I, when I have to unload it, I avoid it like the plague. You know, I'm, I'm joking about the dog poop, but it's typically a cat hairball. Somehow, our cat will barf these hairballs up, and everybody walks by it like they didn't see it.

    3. KDKC Davis52:09

       (laughs)

    4. MRMel Robbins52:09

       And I know they saw it, because they come to me and go, "Mom, the cat threw up." I'm like, "And? Pick it up. He's your cat too." I digress. But when we, when I, on the occasions that I unload the dishwasher, I always organize them into groups on the counter.

    5. KDKC Davis52:27

       Mm-hmm.

    6. MRMel Robbins52:27

       Because I, you're right, it's the patterning of it. I fucking love you.

    7. KDKC Davis52:32

       That's one of the hacks is turning things into patterns, turning things into rituals. So here's what happened to me with my laundry. I, I could get it in the washer, I could get it in the dryer, and then what I would do is I would pull it out, and it would sit in a pile, a clean pile in front of the dryer.

    8. MRMel Robbins52:45

       Same.

    9. KDKC Davis52:45

       And I would do this over and over and over, and I would, everyone would walk over it, and when I wanted to dress me and my kids in the morning, I'd have to, you know, go through the pile and find something clean to wear, and I was always kind of stressed about it. And there's like this one, I did it for eight months after my last baby, and there was this one day where I actually, like, they miraculously were asleep at the same time, and I was like, "I'm gonna go fold that laundry." And I'm sitting there and I'm folding the laundry, and I'm just thinking about how much it sucks and how much I hate folding laundry, and, and I look down at myself all of a sudden, and I'm folding, like, a fleece pajama onesie.

    10. MRMel Robbins53:17

        Mm-hmm.

    11. KDKC Davis53:18

        And I was, I, like, slowed down, and I, like, put it down, and I looked around, and I was like, I had folded, like, underwear and, like, running shorts and tank tops that I never wear outside of the house, and I was like, "None of this shit needs to be folded." Like, why am I folding fleece pajamas and baby onesies that either don't wrinkle or, like, nobody gives a shit if they're wrinkled? Like, there were, there, when I really started to look around and think about it, there was such a small percentage of my wardrobe that needed to be folded or hung up, and I hate folding, so I just started hanging it up. So I have, you know, maybe 12 shirts that need to hang, sure. But everything else, what I did that day was I, first of all, I took all the clothes out of my kids' closets, 'cause I realized it was so stupid for me to be dressing three people and moving to three different locations to do that. I was like, "This is silly." I need to look at my, you know, my main en suite, um, closet, which was big and it was off the laundry room, and I just moved everyone's clothes in there, so I could go to one place with my small children, undress everyone, so now all the dirty clothes are in one place, dress everyone, 'cause our clothes are there, and I stopped folding them. I just got a bunch of baskets and I organized them. So then when stuff comes out of the dryer, I literally sit on my butt and, and it's like, it's like I'm throwing cards. Like, I just, it's like shorts, shorts, pants, shirts. Like, I just put them... And they're all organized. And are they wrinkled? Yes, but you know what? They were wrinkled before, but now they're organized and no one's walking over them and I'm not stressed and I can find what I'm looking for. So by cutting out that step-... that didn't, doesn't actually bring value to me, it was just a thing I thought I was supposed to be doing.

    12. MRMel Robbins55:03

        Hmm.

    13. KDKC Davis55:03

        All of a sudden, that was it. That was the hitch in the cycle that was, like, grinding the gear every time it got to that place. And now the laundry's done every week.

    14. MRMel Robbins55:12

        Wow. See, you're better than me. (laughs) I just can't-

    15. KDKC Davis55:16

        I'm not better than you. That's the point. There's no better.

    16. MRMel Robbins55:17

        No, it's morally neutral.

    17. KDKC Davis55:19

        There is no better.

    18. MRMel Robbins55:19

        You just found a system.

    19. KDKC Davis55:20

        There is no better.

    20. MRMel Robbins55:21

        So, I, um, I think you nailed it with the pattern. I want to talk about your concept that momentum is way more important than motivation-

    21. KDKC Davis55:33

        Hmm.

    22. MRMel Robbins55:33

        ... when it comes to taking care of yourself or doing household chores.

    23. KDKC Davis55:37

        Yeah, so if you're in a place where, you know, it feels as though the effort to get off the couch, or off the chair, or out of bed to do a care task feels just insurmountable, I want to think less about, "Oh, I'm not motivated, I'm not motivated, I'm not motivated," as, as though you have to get, like, excited about it, and think more about creating momentum. So, sort of lowering the barrier to entry. So, I don't want to get up and go do my dishes, but what if I just gave myself permission to stand up? Or what if I gave myself permission to go stand in the kitchen but not do the dishes? And I've done this, and I'll stand in the kitchen. And I'll stand in the kitchen and look at TikTok for 30 minutes. And then I'll go, "Well, what if I just did one dish?

13. 56:24 – 1:02:28

    Here’s a new way to look at tasks when every task feels monumental.

    1. KDKC Davis56:24

       Can I do just one? What if I just did two dishes?" And sometimes I stop at two, and that's awesome, 'cause now I have two clean dishes tomorrow. And sometimes I keep going. So, there's something about that. The other thing that I think is helpful, I talk about the five things tidying method, where any time I pick up a room I go in the same order. I, I get all the trash and throw it away, I get all the dishes, I put them in the sink, I get all the laundry, I put it in a basket, and then I put away everything that has a place, and I make a pile of things that don't have a place. But the key to that for me is scheduling that at a time in my day where I will already be on my feet and already have my shoes on.

    2. MRMel Robbins56:59

       Hmm.

    3. KDKC Davis56:59

       So, this is, I wake up, I get my kids ready for school, I send them off to the bus. When I walk back in my house, I'm up. I've, there's some motivation I can capitalize on there. I'm already standing, I've just done something, so now I can do something for five minutes. And maybe I even set a timer to get over that hump in my brain that goes, "Ugh, this is going to take so long."

    4. MRMel Robbins57:18

       Right. But it can become part of the cycle or rhythm-

    5. KDKC Davis57:21

       You capitalize on that. Yes.

    6. MRMel Robbins57:21

       ... where you walk in the door, you look for the, you take one room, do the trash, put dishes in the sink, make a pile, things that are, what, not out of place? And what were the third, fourth, and fifth?

    7. KDKC Davis57:33

       It's, uh, trash, dishes, laundry, things that have a place, and things that don't have a place.

    8. MRMel Robbins57:37

       I think I got it. So, I want to repeat it back to be sure that I have it (laughs) and to make it really simple for you listening. Casey, you want us to clean up a room in the same way every single time because that will make sure we don't get overwhelmed. And just so that you and I always have the steps, here they are again. First, you get the trash, you throw it out. Second, you get the dishes out of the room and into the sink or the dishwasher. Third, you take the laundry and you put it in a basket. Four, you put things away that have a place (laughs) in that room. And five, make a pile of everything that does not have a place in that room you're standing in. And then voila! You're done. Casey, I love that, and I can see how if you get into the rhythm of cleaning in that five steps every day in the room that you're in, rather than thinking about how you're going to do every single room, how it would make things less overwhelming. Now, I just looked at the clock. Do you realize we've been talking for over an hour? And we've only just scratched the surface, Casey. And I haven't even gotten to the pile of listener questions that we have for you. And so here's what I'm thinking. Do you have another hour that you could spend with us, first of all, in order to go through all these questions?

    9. KDKC Davis59:00

       Oh, yeah.

    10. MRMel Robbins59:01

        Okay, great. So, here is what I'd like to do. How about we end the episode right now? Because if what Casey is saying is resonating with you as deeply as it is for me, I know you don't have two hours to spend on a podcast right now. So, as your friend, we're going to divide this into two conversations. Part one, which you just listened to, and part two, which you're about to listen to. And the reason why I want to do that is because I want to make it easy for you. That's how it rolls on the Mel Robbins Podcast. So, Casey, stand by. We will start with listener questions in just a second. And you listening, please do me a favor. Please share this episode with the people in your life that you love. Everybody struggles on some level with this topic, and we're not talking about it enough, and we all need Casey's genius hacks and her advice. And the fact is, now that you've just spent an hour with us, you know how to help yourself. And more importantly, when you share this episode, you can help somebody else who is silently struggling because they feel overwhelmed. And one more thing. I remind you and I all the time that whatever it is that you're going through, it's temporary. But what I love so much about this conversation with Casey is that we also have tools to help one another through these moments when they feel overwhelming, temporary or not. All right, in case no one else tells you, I want to tell you. No matter how high the piles of laundry are or the dishes are stacked in your sink, I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to take control in small ways and not be so hard on yourself, because you deserve that. And you deserve more Casey Davis, and that's why I'm going to talk to you in a few days. I love you. (Beep) Get ready, but this is literally the perfect day for me to talk to you, because I have not showered. (laughs) I, I did manage to wash my face, which I am very, very proud of. (beep) Hello.

    11. KDKC Davis1:00:57

        Good afternoon. How can I help?

    12. MRMel Robbins1:01:00

        Oh my God, that's Siri. (beep) To stay on top of everything that you have to do at your place. Laundry, dishes. Do, place, home, house.

    13. KDKC Davis1:01:10

        At your house.

    14. MRMel Robbins1:01:11

        Okay. Where you live. (beep) I can't find you. Oh, I don't think I'm in the document you're in. (beep) I don't see her.

    15. KDKC Davis1:01:18

        No, you're there.

    16. MRMel Robbins1:01:19

        Oh, okay. (beep) Hey, it's your friend Mel. Here comes the burp. Uh. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. (laughs) This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. (instrumental music) Hey, on YouTube, thanks for being here. Make sure you pass this on if you got value. And if you love this, go right here. It's going to help you get that task started. It's called Motivation is Garbage. Boom.

Episode duration: 1:02:28