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You Learn This Too Late: Understanding This Will Change the Way You Look at Your Relationships

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — In this episode, you’ll discover how your childhood shaped who you are today—and the hidden parenting mistakes that impact every relationship you have. You’ll also learn tools for excellent parenting and how to improve any relationship, including with your own parents, siblings, partner, kids, and friends. Joining Mel today is Dr. Aliza Pressman, PhD. Dr. Pressman is a world‑renowned developmental psychologist, professor at Mount Sinai, director of The Mount Sinai Parenting Center, and author of the New York Times bestseller The 5 Principles of Parenting. For over two decades, she’s been teaching parents practical science‑backed tools to raise emotionally healthy, resilient kids—and to become better, more grounded humans in the process. Today, Dr. Pressman breaks down 5 principles that will change how you parent forever. You’ll hear the research on how early experiences shape who you become, why oversacrificing for your kids backfires, and the surprising ways criticizing your partner or ex can quietly wound your child for life. You’ll also learn protocols for excellent parenting and how to improve relationships of all kinds, from setting boundaries that actually work, to repairing after you’ve lost your cool, to strengthening your child’s inner voice by changing the way you talk to yourself. This isn’t just about raising kids. It’s about learning how to be a better human (and raise one too). Whether you’re parenting toddlers, teenagers, or adult children—or simply trying to understand the impact your own parents had on you—this conversation will give you clear, actionable tools you can use immediately. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-311/ Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 00:00 Meet the Guest 01:28 What Makes a Good Parent? 07:29 The 5 Principles of Parenting 23:10 Is It Too Late to Heal? 26:37 How to Raise a Resilient Child 39:49 Have You Made a Parenting Mistake? 51:09 How to Handle Meltdowns and Tantrums 56:59 Navigating Co-Parenting Conflicts 01:11:52 What to Do When You Mess Up — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Dr. Aliza PressmanguestMel Robbinshost
Jul 28, 20251h 21mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 1:28

    Meet the Guest

    1. AP

      (instrumental music plays) How we were parented-

    2. MR

      Mm.

    3. AP

      ... how we grew, how we came to be who we are, and how we're growing others is kind of at the center of everything.

    4. MR

      What if you realize, "My God, I've made a lot of mistakes. Like, I was the parent that was indifferent or cold or distracted, or I had a lot of anger, or I really screwed up the divorce." What would you tell somebody who feels like they're failing at parenting right now?

    5. AP

      I would say...

    6. MR

      Wow. I think that's a hard pill for a lot of parents to swallow. (cash register dings) Dr. Aliza Pressman, she's one of the world's most respected developmental psychologists. She has a New York Times best-selling book called The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans. Today, Dr. Pressman is here to lay out the science behind the parenting mistakes most of us don't even realize we're making. Dr. Pressman is gonna give you so much clarity about what you've experienced and, more importantly, where you can go from here. What's the biggest myth parents believe about raising, quote, "healthy, resilient kids?"

    7. AP

      The biggest myth is that...

    8. MR

      Uh, my mouth is hanging open-

    9. AP

      (laughs) .

    10. MR

      ... so I'm gonna close it for a second. How does wanting the best for your kids cause anxiety?

    11. AP

      I should say this.

    12. MR

      Wow, I've never heard that before. After a divorce, how long should you wait before you introduce who you're dating to your kids?

    13. AP

      The research suggests-

    14. MR

      Dr. Pressman, what is the best parenting advice you've ever heard?

  2. 1:28 – 7:29

    What Makes a Good Parent?

    1. MR

      (clock ticking) Dr. Aliza Pressman, welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast.

    2. AP

      Thank you for having me.

    3. MR

      Thank you for coming to Boston. Thank you for being here. Uh, you know, I was on the Today Show set, and Hoda pulled me aside and said, "My favorite parenting expert is Dr. Pressman. You have to get her on."

    4. AP

      (laughs) .

    5. MR

      And so I was like, "Hoda, I'm getting her on."

    6. AP

      Ah.

    7. MR

      So, welcome.

    8. AP

      Thank you, Hoda.

    9. MR

      (laughs) .

    10. AP

      I love her.

    11. MR

      I do too. I do too. I'm really excited to learn from you, and I'd love to start by having you tell the person who's listening right now what they could experience in their life that could be different if they take everything that you are about to teach us today, uh, and they apply it to their life. How could their life change?

    12. AP

      How we were parented-

    13. MR

      Mm.

    14. AP

      ... how we grew, how we came to be who we are, and how we're growing others is kind of at the center of everything, in my view. And I think that the science of parent- of the parent-child relationship is extraordinary, and it's inspiring, and it is overwhelmingly easier to get it, like, quote unquote right, and I think that that is game-changing, that there's- there's stuff that you can do that will change the relationships in your life, and that they're very easy to take on. There's so much information out there about how to do every single thing, but the- the science itself is quite generous with parents, is such a beautiful experience. Like, once you really buy into that, you have actionable steps that you can take that can be game-changing in your relationships, but they're not, like, this overwhelming, unattainable goal.

    15. MR

      There was so much that you just said in that-

    16. AP

      (laughs) .

    17. MR

      ... I wanna try to unpack a couple things, that struck me. The first one was that you said that there's just simple things to do that the science supports that helps you get parenting largely right.

    18. AP

      Yeah.

    19. MR

      I mean, that's refreshing-

    20. AP

      (laughs) .

    21. MR

      ... 'cause I feel like I royally screwed up my children. Like I- they- the- the- the- I mean, I'm serious.

    22. AP

      Oh, yeah.

    23. MR

      Like, I- I did not know... I, the person that I am today at 56, not the person I was when I was 29, 30, and 34 when I had my kids.

    24. AP

      Of course.

    25. MR

      And so, I think that is extremely positive and hopeful and, especially in today's world where everything s- feels very overwhelming, to know that it's kinda simple, and there are simple things you can do to get it largely right. I was also drawn in when you talked about the fact that we were all littles at once. We were all little kids. We've all been parented. Whether your opinion about how you were parented is that your parents did a great job or that your parents really screwed things up, we all have things that we wish we could change.

    26. AP

      Yep.

    27. MR

      And what can you get out of this conversation and what you're about to teach us today if, let's say, you are, you know, in your early 20s or you're a teenager and you haven't had kids yet, or you don't know if you wanna have kids-

    28. AP

      Yeah.

    29. MR

      ... or you didn't have kids?

    30. AP

      I mean, the thing is, is that if we can reflect on our experience being raised, like-

  3. 7:29 – 23:10

    The 5 Principles of Parenting

    1. AP

    2. MR

      In your incredible book, The Five Principles of Parenting, you do break down this whole, like-

    3. AP

      (laughs)

    4. MR

      ... huge body of science and research into five basic principles, and we're gonna get into them in a deeper level, but can you just quickly break down what the five principles are?

    5. AP

      Okay. It starts with relationship. By the way, I picked R words, not scientifically, just like, it's hard enough to remember anything, so all R words, but all from the science. Relationship, which is this.

    6. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    7. AP

      It's just the connection between people. You might hear it as, um, attunement, connection, anything that is attachment, all of those things are under this umbrella of relationship, and relationship is kind of everything.

    8. MR

      Okay.

    9. AP

      And then reflection, which we talked about. Reflection is, I think, an unsung hero of strong parenting (laughs) because it's, it feels light. It feels like weight. So just thinking about something and, and really understanding it is moving the needle in my parenting?

    10. MR

      Hmm.

    11. AP

      Yes, it is. And it allows you to pause, which brings you to regulation. So relationship, reflection, regulation. That is sort of understanding that you have, um, some control over your emotions, your thoughts, your actions, and they are goal-oriented, and when you regulate, you also are that self-regulation, but that is co-regulating with your young little people in your life because we borrow the nervous systems of our caregivers.

    12. MR

      Okay.

    13. AP

      And so if you're trying to develop a strong, robust nervous system, you need one around you that has capacity. And then so we've got relationship with reflection, regulation, and then we need rules, and rules are really, really important for safety. So rules are boundaries and limits, and when you have boundaries and limits around the safety of yourself and the safety of others around you, so it's not just about protecting your child, but also there are gonna be people in this world, and they're moving through this world. How can they hold dear the emotional safety and physical safety of others while holding that for themselves?

    14. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    15. AP

      And then finally repair for when you screw it all up, which you will. (laughs)

    16. MR

      (laughs)

    17. AP

      And we do over and over, and the research on repair is, it's like the deepest breath of relief because you cannot have a close relationship without repair and you can't repair without screwing up.

    18. MR

      Now if you just heard those five principles of parenting and you reflect upon your own experience of being a child-

    19. AP

      Mm-hmm.

    20. MR

      ... or being the child of a parent now regardless of how old you are, and you thought to yourself, "I didn't check any of those boxes when I thought about my own experience," is there good news here?

    21. AP

      Oh, there's such good news. These are, relationships are dynamic. Everything about this is dynamic, and so it's like a moving process. And we are born as parents when our children are born. So-

    22. MR

      Oh wait, we are born-

    23. AP

      (laughs)

    24. MR

      ... as parents when our children are born?

    25. AP

      Yeah. So we're, of course we're new at it. Of course we're messing up all the time because we're babies. We're baby parents. And so of course now when you have three young adults, you have a wisdom and a different parenting style because you've grown. And I think if our, our kids didn't see that-

    26. MR

      Hmm.

    27. AP

      ... they would not have much hope that they get to make mistakes and grow and still be loved and be worthy. So I think if somebody said, "I've done none of this," and by the way, I don't believe that because you're here. Like, if you were like, "Ah, I wanna listen to this episode," you're curious about this-

    28. MR

      Yeah.

    29. AP

      ... which, which means there's so much hope. And also repair has no expiration date.

    30. MR

      So at any time, you can use the principles to either make the relationship better-

  4. 23:10 – 26:37

    Is It Too Late to Heal?

    1. MR

      with you?

    2. AP

      It always starts with us.

    3. MR

      How much do early experiences truly-

    4. AP

      (sighs)

    5. MR

      ... shape you? Like, I mean, it, like, if you blew it during the early years or your parents were horrendous, like, are you screwed up for life? Like, how bad is the impact of an ear- early childhood or good?

    6. AP

      Early childhood is no joke. It's really important, but I just, when I, when I say what I'm gonna say, I wanna remind everyone that this is, like, relationships are so dynamic, and we grow, and we change, and there's always hope. So I don't want anybody to be like, "I give up. I've done-"

    7. MR

      (laughs)

    8. AP

      ... wrong." (laughs) Like, "This is over." I know that nobody listening has that mindset, or they would not be listening to your podcast, but I just, so early childhood is crucial. It's kind of how we get this, like, real wiring of how we love and how we f- wh- how we experience being loved.So, is the early attachment relationship very important between the primary caregiver and the child? It really is. Are the early experiences very important? Is the environment very important? Yes. And also, it's never too late. It's just never too late.

    9. MR

      And it also sounds like a big factor is also the temperament of the child.

    10. AP

      Yeah.

    11. MR

      That there are... And, and I, I think if, if you've got siblings, or you have multiple kids-

    12. AP

      Mm-hmm.

    13. MR

      ... you recognize-

    14. AP

      You see it. (laughs)

    15. MR

      Yeah. That every parent is a different parent to every child, so... And, and none of your brothers and sisters had the same childhood-

    16. AP

      Mm-hmm.

    17. MR

      ... as you did. 'Cause they don't have the same temperament, and every time a parent becomes another parent to a, uh, to a child, you actually are a different parent.

    18. AP

      Totally. So you've got yourself as a different evolving parent.

    19. MR

      Uh-huh.

    20. AP

      A more, you know, for, for better, for worse, usually better, and then but it also depends on the circumstances. I got divorced when my oldest was not even five, and my youngest was just about to turn three. And I was hearing the research in my head over and over about these early years, and I was just so devastated 'cause I was thinking, "Oh, I'm gonna be in distress, and that's gonna impact my kids." And so, what do I need to do? How do I need to do this? I need to do this with that knowledge, not to scare myself, but to just be super intentional during this time because all things being equal, I would not have done it at that time because it is a very sensitive period.

    21. MR

      Mm.

    22. AP

      But we can do workarounds, and temperament really matters, and so that's the other thing. That's why, you know, some kids really can thrive under almost any circumstance. They're like dandelions. They can grow through the cracks of a sidewalk, (laughs) and you're just like a Whac-A-Mole, and you can't believe it. And other kids are, you know, it's a continuum, of course. Nobody's like in categories, but just for ease of talking about it, I think it's helpful to think like an orchid child is going to bloom under the best of circumstances and be incredibly robust, but in the worst of circumstances, if you've ever tried to raise an orchid, I have, you know, it's, uh, it's, it's not pretty.

    23. MR

      No.

    24. AP

      It's not pretty. So you have to also take that into account.

  5. 26:37 – 39:49

    How to Raise a Resilient Child

    1. AP

    2. MR

      So can you explain-

    3. AP

      (laughs)

    4. MR

      ... that metaphor for temperament because, you know, in The Five Principles for Parenting, you talk about orchid children versus dandelion.

    5. AP

      Mm-hmm.

    6. MR

      Dandelion children. What does that mean?

    7. AP

      So Thomas Boyce did this research, um, and it's really beautiful, I think, as long as you take it all with a grain of salt because people are not just in categories of flowers, but if you have more than one kid or more than one sibling, you know this is true.

    8. MR

      Mm.

    9. AP

      Which is there are orchids, tulips, and dandelions, and the dandelions, and I'm gonna say something that can sound daunting, but I think it's also inspiring. Parenting is the most powerful environmental input for children.

    10. MR

      Parenting-

    11. AP

      Parenting.

    12. MR

      ... is the most en- powerful environmental input for children.

    13. AP

      Yes.

    14. MR

      So you could be in the worst of circumstances-

    15. AP

      Worst of circumstances.

    16. MR

      ... and have a steady, loving, safe parent.

    17. AP

      It is incredibly protective. It's incredibly protective. And we can talk about that 'cause I think that research is exquisite. Separately, when you think about how anyone responds to their environment, an orchid responds quite sensitively to their environment.

    18. MR

      Yes.

    19. AP

      They're gonna be attuned to everything going on, and they need a very specific set of sunlight, water, and soil in order to thrive.

    20. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    21. AP

      But then they're magnificent.

    22. MR

      Yes.

    23. AP

      A tulip is sort of somewhere in between what might have been considered slow to warm up, and yet they can do pretty well. And then dandelions, you really don't need to do much but love them, um, more often than not and set some boundaries (laughs) here and there. And they're gonna be fine, and I think it can be really flattering if you have a dandelion 'cause-

    24. MR

      Mm.

    25. AP

      ... you're like, "I am A-gaming this." And then you get an orchid, and you're like, "Oh, wait a second. This is a little more challenging. Like I have to put a little more thought into this environment."

    26. MR

      You said that the parenting is the single most powerful environmental factor for a child, and we talked about the fact that, you know, a child could be in an, a very unsafe, stressful physical environment or country or-

    27. AP

      Mm-hmm.

    28. MR

      ... like house.

    29. AP

      Yeah.

    30. MR

      But if you have a safe, protective parent that feels like home, that is a very stabilizing force.

  6. 39:49 – 51:09

    Have You Made a Parenting Mistake?

    1. MR

      What if you realize, "My God, I've made a lot of mistakes. Like, I was the parent that was indifferent or cold or distracted," or, "I had a lot of anger," or, "I really screwed up the divorce because I didn't want the divorce. I complained about their co- their other parent non-stop."

    2. AP

      Mm-hmm.

    3. MR

      "I was angry, I was suffer-" Like, what do you do when you have this realization, "Boy, I really wish I could go back and get a do-over"?

    4. AP

      I would imagine that we all would be so happy to receive from, like, whomever this adult was in our life that call or that coffee or that walk where they say, "I just... I don't like how that went."

    5. MR

      Hmm.

    6. AP

      "I don't like how that went. I can't take it back, but I wanna move forward in a way, if you'll have me, that's different now." Like, I don't know anybody who wouldn't want that, unless they experienced abuse and neglect, and that's a different conversation, because-

    7. MR

      But even that acknowledgement in those situations-

    8. AP

      No one's rejecting-

    9. MR

      ... whether or not you want a relationship with them-

    10. AP

      Right, exactly.

    11. MR

      ... even the acknowledgement that, "I am at fault. I was wrong."

    12. AP

      Yeah.

    13. MR

      "I see that and I need to say it so you know that I've acknowledged that."

    14. AP

      Absolutely. And then the person on the receiving end can decide whether to receive it.

    15. MR

      Yes.

    16. AP

      But you've done your part, and you also have to accept that they might... You have to let them-

    17. MR

      Yes.

    18. AP

      ... decide that that's not for them anymore.

    19. MR

      Yep.

    20. AP

      In so many circumstances, just being open to that new relationship is all you need to do. And then it's work. Then you just kind of, like, recalibrate together. I do want everyone to know that the onus is on the parent. It's never on the child.

    21. MR

      Say that e- even when you're an adult?

    22. AP

      Even when you're an adult.

    23. MR

      The onus... Why is the onus on the parent?

    24. AP

      Because it wasn't the child's decision. It was never on the child. We're... Like, we are fully responsible for raising our kids. They are not responsible for how we feel, how we act, you know, how many times we might accidentally s- let slip out of our mouths, "I wouldn't do that if you didn't X, Y and Z," but it's never... The onus is never on the child, and you are always, even as an adult child, you are always the child.That doesn't mean that you're not gonna, like, care for your elderly parents and love them, and maybe this is too much for them and you're like, "Wait, h- they didn't have that upbringing either. They might not know how to do this." But if they're coming to you, then they've started to know how to do it.

    25. MR

      Hmm. I don't know why I feel like I've never heard, even when you're the adult...

    26. AP

      You're-

    27. MR

      ... you're still the child, and it's still on your parents.

    28. AP

      I mean, I know that people would love for it not to be, (laughs) because it can feel, particularly when you think about different generations and just-

    29. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    30. AP

      ... culturally.

  7. 51:09 – 56:59

    How to Handle Meltdowns and Tantrums

    1. AP

    2. MR

      Let's talk about meltdowns.

    3. AP

      Okay.

    4. MR

      If you've got a kid who's constantly melting down, what do you do? Like...

    5. AP

      (laughs) Um, first, if you have a kid who's constantly melting down, I would want to do a lot of reflection. Like, spend one full week not changing a thing but noticing what starts that meltdown.

    6. MR

      Hm.

    7. AP

      And then what do I do in response? So you wanna look at what happened before the meltdown, then you wanna look at the meltdown and how you respond to it. And you will get so much information that week because what you might find out is this kid melts when I'm, like, kind of my insides are spinning out, I'm rushed, I've got-

    8. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    9. AP

      ... a thousand things to do. It's coming across, and that is when they choose to meltdown. (laughs) And so that means, okay, back to us, I need to slow down. I need to take a breath because I am really, like, I don't want us to meet them where they are. We want them to meet us where we are.

    10. MR

      So in addition to kind of doing a one week of observation, because I would imagine you could probably do this with the adults in your life.

    11. AP

      (laughs)

    12. MR

      And you could see that there are patterns to people's meltdowns.

    13. AP

      Yeah.

    14. MR

      There are patterns to when your partner erupts over things. And that if you also apply that temperament model of, oh, am I dating an orchid or do I have a dandelion or a tulip? And kind of understanding that temperament piece. And if I'm really getting the power of what you're saying, it's not about them. It's about you reflecting.

    15. AP

      Yeah.

    16. MR

      And you understanding that changing your approach to match who you're dealing with and what you're dealing with is where the power is, particularly with parenting, but kinda with everybody.

    17. AP

      Kinda with everybody. It's like, there's a saying, I have no idea who said it, but "When a flower doesn't bloom, you change the environment, not the flower."

    18. MR

      Yes.

    19. AP

      And so we really wanna change the flower sometimes.

    20. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    21. AP

      And if we change the environment, and in this case, the environment is like, okay, the transitions need to be less hairy. Like, I need to figure out a different way of scheduling because we're, we're hitting the same challenge every week. And then separately, we can let tantrums happen and we don't have to fix them in real time.

    22. MR

      What is a tantrum? So e- so Dr. Pressman, when you hear a, a, kids being difficult-

    23. AP

      Mm-hmm.

    24. MR

      ... or they're throwing tantrums, what is the person feeling?

    25. AP

      To me, a tantrum is an indication that that person does not feel safe.

    26. MR

      Hm.

    27. AP

      They feel threatened. So they go into fight because there's fight, flight, or freeze. When you go into fight mode, what you're saying is, "My alarm went off. My internal alarm went off that I am under threat and I don't know how to deal with it except to fight."

    28. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    29. AP

      And so you just go, you're seeing red. And it's the same thing as if somebody was coming at you with a knife. You just feel under threat. And when you're little, that threat can be because you got a blue cup and not a red cup.

    30. MR

      Right.

  8. 56:59 – 1:11:52

    Navigating Co-Parenting Conflicts

    1. MR

    2. AP

      Yeah.

    3. MR

      Um, I would love to talk about advice for dealing with other adults, because the person that is spending time is investing in themselves. But let's say you have a partner who is just phoning it in, you're the one reading the books, you're the one listening to the podcasts, you're the one trying to calm yourself down, and they're still snapping or not receptive to trying different ways of approaching, Dr. Pressman, what, what do you do in those situations where you are cope, you're, you're married to somebody or you're partnered with somebody that is not interested in doing better?

    4. AP

      Share this episode, share resources that are not, "I know better than you."

    5. MR

      Mm.

    6. AP

      But they're more like, "I think this is interesting. Tell me what you think." Open up a dialogue, and also remember, you cannot control other people. You can't control their journey. You can't control their path. So, the work is to keep doing what you're doing. They will witness that, and then you can, if they're curious about it, you have ways to say, like, "Here's where I came up with this," or, "This is what I'm thinking." They might see a more successful relationship. They might see that you're doing a little bit better, and they might learn by watching that. But if you just say, like, "I've figured this out. You need to be better," (laughs) it's just not gonna go well.

    7. MR

      I think you could also appeal to, like, what you're offering sounds more peaceful, honestly.

    8. AP

      (laughs)

    9. MR

      'Cause, uh, there's a lot of conflict inside households.

    10. AP

      Well-

    11. MR

      There's a lot of, like, bickering and arguing and not talking and frustration and resentment, and, you know, one of the things that I wanted to ask you about is, you recently got remarried, and you now are navigating a blended family.

    12. AP

      Yes.

    13. MR

      And I would love to just hear, Dr. Pressman, your observations about, based on kind of the research and some of your experience with patients or even in your own situation, what do you think people get wrong about trying to blend families or dating somebody that has kids and becoming the new person in their life, and what do you want people to know?

    14. AP

      I want to be very careful. (laughs) This is really hard stuff because, as the adult, you're navigating dating again. Like, that was supposed to be off the table.

    15. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    16. AP

      And you have your own kids potentially or maybe you've never had kids, but you definitely have a different parenting style. Even if you agree on everything, you just, we're all different. We have different approaches. We came into this with different backgrounds, and so I think in terms of dating, people introduce partners way too early. You should wait because your kids don't need to experience the revolving door. They are not your best friend. They do not need to approve of everybody. You need to know how you feel about someone enough that they're worthy of meeting your kids, because when you see that over and over again-

    17. MR

      Mm.

    18. AP

      ...it really messes with people.

    19. MR

      Based on the research, after divorce, how long should you wait before you introduce who you're dating to your kids?

    20. AP

      I mean, the research suggests, particularly with the younger kids, that you wait a year.

    21. MR

      A year.

    22. AP

      Which is a long time, and anytime anybody asks me, they don't like that answer. (laughs)

    23. MR

      But imagine the discipline it takes-

    24. AP

      Mm-hmm.

    25. MR

      ...and the protection-... that you're displaying of your children and the stability that you're actually creating for your kids.

    26. AP

      Yeah. The, the exceptions are when it's just not feasible, but if you have a joint custody situation, then you very much can date somebody and get to know them. Now, if it's getting so serious that you're talking about being madly in love and getting married, then you can bump it up a little because you've already made that decision. But the reason why you wanna take time is you need to learn how to be in a transition period with your kids-

    27. MR

      Mm.

    28. AP

      ... so that they feel stable, and then you can start introducing other factors. But it's destabilizing. There's no question.

    29. MR

      Well, if you really stop and think about the research that you shared that you as a parent are the single most powerful environmental factor in your child's development, and what they need from you more than anything is safety. They need to know that you're there. They need to know that, more often than not-

    30. AP

      Mm-hmm.

  9. 1:11:52 – 1:21:48

    What to Do When You Mess Up

    1. MR

      If you're listening to this and you are feeling the weight of what you just shared, either, "Wow, that's exactly what it felt like when mom or dad was complaining about this," or, "Wow, I really screwed this up," Dr. Pressman, what would your recommendation be to the person who's kind of either feeling the weight that, "This was my lived experience as a child," and it's never been validated or acknowledged by anybody, or you're recognizing that you did and you just were in such a state, you didn't know how to do better? What- what would the first thing be that you would recommend that somebody do?

    2. AP

      If you are the parent who just felt like you couldn't- y- at the time, it was too hard, talk to your kid, however old they are, and- and acknowledge, like, "That was about me. I was having a really hard time and the way that I talked about your parent wasn't your fault and it wasn't okay, and that was where I was then and here's what I've come to now."

    3. MR

      "And I apologize."

    4. AP

      "And I'm so sorry. That wasn't your burden to carry." And work on it. You know, like, just keep working on it.It's incredibly beautiful. So, like, whatever I say or any expert in this field says that makes you feel like I screwed up, please, please remember that the repair part is never expiring.

    5. MR

      It's just acknowledge and apologize?

    6. AP

      It's acknowledge, don't give, like, "I, I did it because..." You know? Like, that kind of apology is so annoying.

    7. MR

      (laughs) Oh my god.

    8. AP

      If that is remotely part of the repair, it's not repair. Also remember that repair doesn't necessarily look like an apology. It can be just reconnection.

    9. MR

      Mm.

    10. AP

      It's like we're back. We're back to feeling safe and connected together. It-

    11. MR

      Is that possible if you don't apologize for the things that you did wrong?

    12. AP

      You know, I'm of two minds about this because with younger kids you can't apologize every time-

    13. MR

      True.

    14. AP

      ... or it's, like, weird. Like, sometimes you just have to see that you're giggling again and sitting closer in front of the TV and all is well. Same in your roman- romantic relationships. Be so hard to constant- 'cause y- you're doing these micro discord moments constantly.

    15. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    16. AP

      Like, I think when researchers looked at this the first time it was 33% of the time is attuned and the rest of the time is rupture and repair. That's a lot of, like, tiny little tears.

    17. MR

      It means 30% of the time you feel connected to your parents.

    18. AP

      Yeah.

    19. MR

      The other 70% were, like, hurting each other, upsetting each other-

    20. AP

      And then coming back.

    21. MR

      ... and then coming back. And then, and the coming back's important.

    22. AP

      And the coming back is so important.

    23. MR

      It's everything. Actually, it brings me to a question that I wanted to ask you that goes all the way back to early childhood development.

    24. AP

      Yeah.

    25. MR

      Why is the game of peekaboo so important?

    26. AP

      Oh. I love this game so much and it really does have this beautiful way... First of all, we all do it. We don't even know why we do it, but you walk down the street and you see a little kid, or you're at a restaurant and how many of us have, like, gone under the chair and then popped back up just to get a little smile out of them? But what it teaches babies and toddlers is you go away, you come back, you go away, you come back, and it exercises the muscle of believing that the people you love always come back. And it seems so small, but it actually comes from learning about object and person permanence, which is just the developmental psych way of saying that people and things exist even when they're not in front of you.

    27. MR

      Mm.

    28. AP

      Which is so beautiful and a huge developmental milestone that happens around nine months. So, if you take, like, a six-month-old and they're playing with your glasses and you took your glasses off and you covered them with a napkin, they wouldn't look for the glasses 'cause they'd be like, "I guess the nap- the glasses are gone. Like, moving right along." But you see a nine-month-old and they're gonna lift up that napkin and look for those glasses and that seems like a nothing burger, except it shows you they finally understand that when things go away, they come back. They're still in existence. Before that, those glasses don't exist once they're covered. So, you're playing peekaboo and you are exercising the muscle of mommy's gone and she's back and she's gone and she's back, and they giggle and they laugh and it's a fun game, but you're also now helping them when they go off to school or childcare or just you're leaving the house for the night.

    29. MR

      What I love about everything that you've shared is that peekaboo taught us they go away and then they come back at nine months, but what your work is doing and these five principles are teaching us as we get older and we're adults is that that same principle applies. That people go away, people do things that they don't mean to do, people hurt you in ways that they didn't realize or didn't intend to, but there are ways in which we can use this relationship and reflection and repair and all of the things that you're talking about to actually come back.

    30. AP

      That-

Episode duration: 1:21:48

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