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You Learn This Too Late: Understanding This Will Change the Way You Look at Your Relationships

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — In this episode, you’ll discover how your childhood shaped who you are today—and the hidden parenting mistakes that impact every relationship you have. You’ll also learn tools for excellent parenting and how to improve any relationship, including with your own parents, siblings, partner, kids, and friends. Joining Mel today is Dr. Aliza Pressman, PhD. Dr. Pressman is a world‑renowned developmental psychologist, professor at Mount Sinai, director of The Mount Sinai Parenting Center, and author of the New York Times bestseller The 5 Principles of Parenting. For over two decades, she’s been teaching parents practical science‑backed tools to raise emotionally healthy, resilient kids—and to become better, more grounded humans in the process. Today, Dr. Pressman breaks down 5 principles that will change how you parent forever. You’ll hear the research on how early experiences shape who you become, why oversacrificing for your kids backfires, and the surprising ways criticizing your partner or ex can quietly wound your child for life. You’ll also learn protocols for excellent parenting and how to improve relationships of all kinds, from setting boundaries that actually work, to repairing after you’ve lost your cool, to strengthening your child’s inner voice by changing the way you talk to yourself. This isn’t just about raising kids. It’s about learning how to be a better human (and raise one too). Whether you’re parenting toddlers, teenagers, or adult children—or simply trying to understand the impact your own parents had on you—this conversation will give you clear, actionable tools you can use immediately. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-311/ Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 00:00 Meet the Guest 01:28 What Makes a Good Parent? 07:29 The 5 Principles of Parenting 23:10 Is It Too Late to Heal? 26:37 How to Raise a Resilient Child 39:49 Have You Made a Parenting Mistake? 51:09 How to Handle Meltdowns and Tantrums 56:59 Navigating Co-Parenting Conflicts 01:11:52 What to Do When You Mess Up — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Dr. Aliza PressmanguestMel Robbinshost
Jul 27, 20251h 21mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Why ‘Good Enough’ Parenting Heals Generations And Builds Resilient Kids

  1. Mel Robbins interviews developmental psychologist Dr. Aliza Pressman about the science of parenting, focusing on how our own upbringing shapes how we love, relate, and raise children (or show up in any relationship).
  2. Pressman outlines her five research-backed principles—relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, and repair—and emphasizes that parenting is mostly about who *we* are and how we manage ourselves, not about fixing kids.
  3. They debunk myths like “my job is to keep my kids happy” and “sensitive parents raise fragile kids,” showing how boundaries plus emotional validation actually build resilience.
  4. A major theme is that it’s never too late: repair has no expiration date, a single stable caregiver can buffer even severe stress, and adult parents can still acknowledge past hurts and change present dynamics.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Aim to be a ‘good enough’ parent, not a perfect one.

Research shows children need mostly consistent connection and repair, not flawless parenting; perfectionism burdens kids with impossible standards and makes it harder for them to accept their own mistakes.

Use the five R’s as a simple roadmap: relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, repair.

Prioritize connection, regularly reflect on your reactions, regulate your own emotions, set clear safety-focused boundaries, and repair when you inevitably mess up—these are all within your control, regardless of your child’s behavior.

Treat all feelings as welcome, but not all behaviors as acceptable.

Validate the underlying emotion (“you’re furious you can’t go”) while clearly limiting harmful actions (“stealing the car is not okay”), which applies equally at home, with partners, and at work.

If you’re worried about repeating generational patterns, you’ve already started breaking them.

The act of reflecting on your own childhood and your impact means your behavior will shift, even in small ways; awareness itself creates tiny but meaningful breaks in negative cycles.

One stable, loving caregiver can buffer even severe stress in a child’s life.

Evidence shows that a safe, attuned adult can turn potentially toxic stress (like exposure to abuse) into tolerable stress, dramatically improving emotional, cognitive, and resilience outcomes.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not.

— Dr. Aliza Pressman

You are born as a parent when your children are born.

— Dr. Aliza Pressman

If you’re afraid of repeating the mistakes your parents made, the very fact that you’re reflecting on that means you’ve already broken the cycle.

— Dr. Aliza Pressman

Parenting is the most powerful environmental input for children.

— Dr. Aliza Pressman

Repair has no expiration date.

— Dr. Aliza Pressman

The five principles of parenting: relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, and repairWhy ‘good enough’ parenting is healthier than perfectionismGenerational patterns, early childhood, and how our own upbringing shapes adult relationshipsEmotion coaching: all feelings welcome, not all behaviorsResilience vs fragility, stress types, and the power of one stable caregiverDivorce, co‑parenting, blended families, and not bad-mouthing the other parentRepairing past mistakes with children and parents; self-compassion and starting in survival mode

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