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Modern WisdomHow To Deal With Being Anxiously Attached - Jessica Baum
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At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Healing Anxious Attachment: Why Relationships Are Essential, Not Optional
- Psychotherapist Jessica Baum explains attachment theory, focusing on how early caregiver relationships wire our nervous system and later shape anxious and avoidant attachment in adult romance.
- She details the biology behind attachment, including co-regulation, neuroception, and nervous system states (fight/flight/freeze vs. calm connection), and how these create recurring relational patterns.
- Baum breaks down the anxious–avoidant dynamic, why it’s so magnetically attractive yet painful, and how partners can communicate and regulate better in conflict.
- She argues that real healing from anxious attachment requires safe relationships and community—not radical self-reliance or one-off “trauma healing” experiences—but slow, repeated co-regulation and new relational experiences.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasYour attachment style is largely shaped before you can remember it.
In-utero through roughly 18 months, a baby’s nervous system is built in response to the caregiver’s regulation and attunement. Those early co-regulation patterns become embedded templates that strongly predict how you handle intimacy and conflict in adult relationships.
Anxious attachment is driven by a nervous system primed for abandonment.
Anxiously attached people become hypervigilant to signs of disconnection; minor cues (a blank stare, checking a phone) can trigger intense fight-or-flight responses. Their energy ‘expands’—pursuing, protesting, apologizing, or raging—to try to restore connection and safety.
Anxious and avoidant partners are often powerfully attracted—but mismatched in regulation.
Anxious partners crave closeness and co-regulation, while avoidant partners regulate by withdrawing. Each triggers the other’s deepest fears (abandonment vs. engulfment), turning their initial chemistry into a self-reinforcing cycle of pursuit and retreat.
You can’t think your way out of an attachment style, but you can earn security.
Changing attachment is less about cognitive insight and more about repeated nervous-system experiences of safety. Through attuned partners, therapists, or friends, you gradually build new neural pathways and internalize ‘secure figures’ you can draw on when distressed.
In conflict, regulating your body comes before solving the problem.
When triggered, the body reacts faster than the thinking brain. Short, practical tools—like extending your exhales, stepping away to calm down, refusing to ‘feed the story,’ and returning at a set time—help shift from survival mode back into a state where honest, vulnerable dialogue is possible.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesWhen you've been wounded or when you've been hurt, the natural defense is, 'I don't wanna go there anymore. That is painful.' And so the narrative that comes out is, 'I don't need anyone.'
— Jessica Baum
Our biological imperative is to be in connection. When we're in disconnection, we sense it in our bodies.
— Jessica Baum
You can't think your way out of an attachment style, but you can earn your way to earned security.
— Jessica Baum
It's not that the sensations stop. It's that people have more tenderness toward what's going on with them, more understanding, and more choices.
— Jessica Baum
Life is about heartfelt connections, and the meaning in life and the quality of your life comes down to the relationships in your life.
— Jessica Baum
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
