Modern WisdomHow To Heal The Emotional Wounds From Your Past - Vienna Pharaon
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 1:49
Unresolved past: how childhood wounds become adult patterns
Chris and Vienna open with the idea that “the past isn’t past if it’s unresolved,” linking stubborn adult relationship patterns to unprocessed earlier experiences. Vienna frames healing as revisiting what wasn’t felt, grieved, or integrated when we were young—especially within the family-of-origin context.
- •Unwanted adult patterns often trace back to earlier irresolution
- •Children survive hard moments rather than process them
- •Repeating relational loops signal something unhealed
- •Family-of-origin is Vienna’s starting point, though not the only source of wounds
- 1:49 – 3:50
What “family system” means (and who counts as family)
Vienna defines a family system broadly: not only biological relatives, but any significant, consistent caregivers or environments that shaped a child’s development. These systems teach us how relationships work—communication, conflict, expectations, and identity.
- •Family systems include non-blood influences (neighbors, step-parents, long-term partners)
- •Early environments shape communication and conflict styles
- •Systems teach implicit rules: what’s expected, what’s safe, what’s normal
- •Formative relationships influence how we relate to others and ourselves
- 3:50 – 6:23
The five core wounds: worthiness, belonging, prioritization, trust, safety
Vienna categorizes common emotional injuries into five “wounds” that broadly map the human experience. These wounds shape beliefs about value, acceptance, being chosen, reliability of others, and physical/emotional security.
- •Five wounds: worthiness, belonging, prioritization, trust, safety
- •Families often enforce an identity (‘this is who we are’) that can feel controlling
- •This isn’t about blaming parents; it’s about understanding impact
- •Checking inherited beliefs is essential when adult life feels stuck
- 6:23 – 8:09
Why we resist talking about the past: minimization, comparison, and the ‘trauma’ label
They explore why people avoid opening up about childhood and family history: fear of “Pandora’s box,” loyalty to parents, and comparing one’s pain to others. Vienna argues for expanding beyond the word “trauma” to the more inclusive concept of “wounds.”
- •Fear of what you’ll uncover keeps people avoidant
- •‘They did their best’ can become a reason to never look deeper
- •Wound comparison (“who am I to complain?”) blocks self-honesty
- •Reframing from ‘trauma’ to ‘wounds’ helps more people engage
- 8:09 – 11:22
Small moments, big effects: the ‘wound’ metaphor and subtle turning points
Vienna explains wounds using the scraped-knee metaphor: not every injury is catastrophic, but it can reopen when bumped. She shares a client story where a childhood comment about height shaped adult dating strategies and self-worth.
- •Wounds can be subtle yet trajectory-changing
- •The body/mind can ‘re-bleed’ when a wound is activated later
- •A single remark can create lifelong compensations and coping strategies
- •Invalidating ‘smaller’ pain keeps patterns intact
- 11:22 – 14:45
Agency vs acceptance: bravery, empowerment, and not ‘losing your edge’
Chris reflects on the tension between wanting agency and admitting past influences. Vienna reframes the work as empowerment—healing doesn’t erase strengths, but reduces the hidden control old adaptations have over present behavior.
- •Denying impact doesn’t increase agency; it hides it
- •Facing shameful or ‘petty’ roots can be courageous
- •‘Gifts and wounds are next-door neighbors’ (Dr. Alexandra Solomon)
- •Healing isn’t about becoming soft; it’s about being freer
- 14:45 – 18:59
Who shows up to therapy (and why it still leads back to family)
Vienna describes typical entry points: conflict, communication issues, dating repeats, infidelity, in-law stress, and family planning. Even when clients want a forward-only fix, she insists that understanding origin dynamics is necessary to change what’s happening now.
- •Clients often come for present-day problems, not family exploration
- •Looking backward reveals the ‘underbelly’ driving current loops
- •Different modalities can help, but skipping origins leaves gaps
- •The goal isn’t to live in the past—just to understand it
- 18:59 – 27:48
Bringing up parents: you may not need them for healing (witnessing without confrontation)
They address the reluctance to raise issues with parents—especially older, defensive, or deceased parents. Vienna emphasizes that healing doesn’t require parents to understand or validate; being witnessed by safe others can be enough, though it may involve grieving that a parent can’t show up that way.
- •It can be destabilizing or unsafe to confront some parents
- •Healing isn’t gated by parental acknowledgment
- •Witnessing from a trusted partner/friend/therapist can be deeply repairing
- •Context and compassion can coexist with accountability
- 27:48 – 30:42
If you don’t remember childhood: start where access exists (and trust the body)
Chris asks what to do when childhood memories are sparse. Vienna explains memory gaps can be protective, and suggests starting with the earliest accessible rupture—or even the most recent echo—while also using somatic cues instead of detailed recollection.
- •Not remembering can be a protective strategy
- •Start with the first available memory, not the ‘ideal’ age
- •Later events (e.g., adolescence) can still be origin points
- •Somatic awareness can guide healing without full narrative recall
- 30:42 – 33:27
Helping men be vulnerable: ‘you’re not running the show’
Vienna speaks directly to men (especially analytical, high-achieving men) who fear vulnerability as weakness. She positions origin work as a performance and power enhancer: if old patterns dictate reactions, you’re not in control—healing restores authorship.
- •Clear, direct framing can invite skeptical people into the work
- •Healing doesn’t remove strengths; it reduces unconscious control
- •If you can’t change a frustrating pattern, something else is ‘running’ you
- •Vulnerability is reframed as reclaiming power and choice
- 33:27 – 42:13
Walking through the wounds: worthiness and belonging in adult life
Vienna begins detailing the five wounds, starting with worthiness (conditional love leading to perfectionism/people-pleasing) and belonging (trading authenticity for attachment). They discuss how family rules create ‘fitting in’ strategies that persist into adulthood.
- •Worthiness wound: love feels conditional on performance
- •Common adaptations: perfectionism, pleasing, being ‘good’ or ‘cool’
- •Belonging wound: authenticity gets traded for attachment (Gabor Maté)
- •Rebellion can be ‘opposition’ but still not integrated belonging
- 42:13 – 55:19
Prioritization, trust, and safety: how different ruptures get internalized
Vienna explains prioritization as not feeling important to important people, even when caregivers were well-intentioned (e.g., a hardworking single mom). She distinguishes trust ruptures (broken promises, secrets, betrayals) from safety ruptures (abuse, neglect), noting that the same event can create different wounds depending on how it’s internalized.
- •Prioritization wound: feeling deprioritized through time/attention gaps
- •Wounds can exist even when parents tried hard and sacrificed
- •Trust ruptures: promises broken, secrets, financial betrayal, infidelity
- •Safety ruptures: abuse/neglect leading to hypervigilance; wounds overlap and depend on internalization
- 55:19 – 59:16
Uncomfortable self-inquiry: reactivity as the neon sign
Chris asks for ‘vomit-inducing’ journaling prompts; Vienna offers questions that bypass rationalization and point to unresolved needs. She emphasizes naming what you didn’t get—without immediately defending others—and using reactivity as a direct map to the work.
- •Key prompt: what did you need as a child that you didn’t get? (period)
- •Notice self-criticism and ask what it’s protecting you from
- •Where are you most reactive, and with whom?
- •Curiosity (not shame) keeps you on the healing thread
- 59:16 – 1:06:07
What origin healing looks like: acknowledge, witness, grieve, then choose differently
Vienna lays out the process: first name the wound, then practice witnessing and grieving—often with safe others—so the nervous system can integrate what was never processed. She shares her own childhood experience during a prolonged divorce and explains how grief expands the ‘space’ between stimulus and response, creating choice.
- •Steps: acknowledge → witness → grieve (interlinked)
- •Pain repeats patterns to get you to ‘turn around’ and feel it
- •Witnessing can be internal (younger-self contact) and relational (trusted people)
- •Grieving expands the pause between trigger and reaction, moving from survival to choice
- 1:06:07 – 1:09:26
Conflict, communication, and boundaries: from self-protection to relational protection
They connect origin healing to practical relationship skills: boundaries, communication styles, and conflict navigation. Vienna describes shifting from automatic self-protection to relational protection—caring about the other without abandoning the self.
- •Identify where communication/boundaries break down (passive aggression, porosity, avoidance)
- •Protective behaviors once made sense; now they may harm connection
- •Extended ‘gap’ enables different responses in conflict
- •Relational protection balances self-needs with care for the other
- 1:09:26 – 1:18:07
Healthy boundaries (and the neglected side: rigidity) + can we reprogram?
Vienna reframes boundary work as not only setting limits (porous → healthy) but also lifting overly rigid walls that block intimacy. She stresses discernment and ‘eyes-wide-open’ risk, then answers whether change can stick by advocating for small, repeatable improvements rather than perfection.
- •Boundary spectrum: porous, healthy, rigid; rigidity is often overlooked
- •Rigid boundaries protect against past closeness ruptures but block intimacy now
- •Discernment guides when to lower walls and with whom
- •Change ‘sticks’ through tiny shifts, noticing sooner, and repeated practice; lower the bar for progress
- 1:18:07 – 1:20:21
Building self-compassion by understanding resistance + where to find Vienna
Vienna explains that self-compassion can’t be forced; it requires understanding what harsh self-talk is protecting you from. They close with where to find her work and her book.
- •Ask what the absence of self-compassion is serving or safeguarding
- •Compassion isn’t an excuse; it pairs with accountability
- •You can’t heal effectively from a self-critical stance
- •Resources: The Origins of You, Instagram @mindfulmft, practice and website links
