Life Fails 101

1. 0:00 – 2:12

   Life Fails premise: when optimization and “life hacks” go wrong

   1. CWChris Williamson0:00

      (wind blowing) (laughs) You need a-

   2. JOJonny0:07

      You need a clap, sound clap?

   3. CWChris Williamson0:09

      Two-handed. (hands clapping)

   4. YUYusef0:11

      And we're back.

   5. JOJonny0:12

      S synced in.

   6. CWChris Williamson0:13

      Welcome back. Today we are going to do life fails. Now, if you are an avid Modern Wisdom listener, you will know that we often do a life hacks series. It's one of our most popular, and today we are going to give our best stories about when those... those journeys into making our life more optimal go awry-

   7. YUYusef0:38

      (laughs)

   8. CWChris Williamson0:38

      ... I think is the best way to put it. (laughs)

   9. YUYusef0:41

      Yep.

   10. JOJonny0:41

       Yeah. Death by optimization.

   11. CWChris Williamson0:44

       (laughs)

   12. JOJonny0:44

       In your ca- in your case.

   13. YUYusef0:45

       Instant death.

   14. CWChris Williamson0:46

       Yeah.

   15. JOJonny0:47

       (laughs)

   16. YUYusef0:47

       Not- not one of these slow, drawn-out deaths like-

   17. JOJonny0:48

       Do not pass go.

   18. YUYusef0:50

       Oh, catastrophic.

   19. JOJonny0:50

       Do not collect 200 points.

   20. CWChris Williamson0:51

       Going directly to being beheaded. Um, I think we need to let you open up with your first life fail.

   21. JOJonny0:58

       So Yousaf has a list. Chris and I probably have, like, a couple between us.

   22. CWChris Williamson1:02

       Yeah, I've got-

   23. YUYusef1:03

       My- my list-

   24. CWChris Williamson1:03

       I've got sentiment, and you've got more life fails than you do life hacks.

   25. YUYusef1:06

       (laughs) I think a lot of my fails are stuff that you two remind me of. Like, "Oh, yeah, I forgot about that."

   26. JOJonny1:12

       Yeah.

   27. YUYusef1:13

       I don't know why they seem to happen.

   28. JOJonny1:15

       Can I see the list?

   29. YUYusef1:16

       Yeah.

   30. JOJonny1:16

       It's just my f- my favorite list.
2. 2:12 – 4:48

   Underwater Jesmond Pool IQ experiment (and getting banned)

   1. YUYusef2:12

      I do requests and everything. So in, early on in my quest for optimization, I read a book that described a process that supposedly Albert Einstein used. I think that's one of those most overused things where they just say, "Oh, this is the thing that Albert Einstein did to..." and- and it just instantly gives something credibility. A technique called image streaming. And this is where supposedly you strengthen the connections with the corpus callosum between the right and left brain to create more connections and to communicate the left and right side of the brain.

   2. CWChris Williamson2:44

      (laughs)

   3. YUYusef2:44

      And so that involves, like, a- a series of lying down with a tape recorder and just describing verbally the things that you see.

   4. CWChris Williamson2:51

      (laughs)

   5. YUYusef2:51

      And that brings them into awareness.

   6. JOJonny2:53

      No.

   7. YUYusef2:54

      Hasn't even happened yet.

   8. JOJonny2:56

      (laughs) I've not heard this part before.

   9. YUYusef2:57

      This, no, n- now, th- this, tha- that idea started me off and ended, ended up with me being kicked out of Jesmond Pool.

   10. CWChris Williamson3:06

       (laughs)

   11. JOJonny3:07

       (laughs)

   12. YUYusef3:08

       (laughs)

   13. JOJonny3:08

       Wow.

   14. YUYusef3:08

       Um, what happened was along with image streaming, I ended up searching more of it, and there was a combined method that someone recommended which is submersion in water for one hour a day total time. So total cumulative time of an hour a day for three weeks.

   15. CWChris Williamson3:28

       (clears throat)

   16. YUYusef3:28

       And the idea is by doing that, you create an adaptation in your body where you increase the surface area of your carotid arteries, the arteries that supply the brain, and increase the blood flow to the brain, equating to supposedly, like, a 10 point increase in IQ. So I read that, and without any further verification, I was like, "Right, I'm gonna try it."

   17. CWChris Williamson3:52

       Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

   18. YUYusef3:53

       Um, so went into-

   19. CWChris Williamson3:54

       Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

   20. YUYusef3:54

       ... the pool in, uh, in one town and basically had my little digital watch, sat by the side of the, the ladder thing and just pushed myself under water and timed myself and just built it up. And-

   21. CWChris Williamson4:07

       Did you do 30 seconds on, 30 seconds off?

   22. YUYusef4:08

       Yeah, or, like, 60 on, 60 off. Um, or s- so it would take two hours in the pool. I'd do this two hours a day in the pool for three weeks.

   23. CWChris Williamson4:17

       (laughs)

   24. YUYusef4:17

       First two days, lifeguard caught wind of this guy doing stuff and he was like, "Oh, sorry, you can't, can't do that." I went, "I know, but, uh, I'm- I'm trying to increase the surface area-"

   25. CWChris Williamson4:26

       (laughs)

   26. YUYusef4:26

       "... of the carotid arteries." He's like, "No, no, it's just, we can't do that."

   27. CWChris Williamson4:30

       (laughs)

   28. YUYusef4:30

       I was like, "Right." So he kicked me out, wasn't allowed to go back. Ended up, um, going to another pool where I was able to continue the journey. There is actually a side story to the first one, which I was, I was basically scared for... I- I was the m- the most scared I've ever been in my life.

   29. CWChris Williamson4:48

       (laughs)

3. 4:48 – 5:44

   The Arabic writing scare: thinking you’ve triggered a terror response

   1. YUYusef4:48

      (laughs) Um, and it's because I got a little permanent marker. I was, I was, like, 16 at the time, got a permanent marker.

   2. CWChris Williamson4:55

      (laughs)

   3. YUYusef4:55

      And I quite liked the idea of writing Arabic text. I thought it looked quite cool. So I did that in the changing rooms in this pool.

   4. CWChris Williamson5:05

      (laughs)

   5. JOJonny5:05

      (laughs)

   6. YUYusef5:05

      And then the next day, I turned up and there was police vans outside and they'd-

   7. CWChris Williamson5:09

      (laughs)

   8. YUYusef5:10

      ... closed the pool. And I was like, "Oh, God." I jumped to the conclusion of they've seen the Arabic, they think that a terrorist attack is incoming.

   9. CWChris Williamson5:17

      What did you write?

   10. YUYusef5:18

       Just, like, just something innocuous. But, um, I was like, they- they've seen it, they think that someone's planted a bomb under there. They've closed off the pool. They're gonna see me on the CCTV. Like, that's the rest of my life done.

   11. CWChris Williamson5:30

       Mm-hmm.

   12. YUYusef5:30

       And I just, you know, you jump to the worst conclusion. I was like, "Right, I'm gonna be arrested as a terrorist," and that's the end of my life.

   13. CWChris Williamson5:36

       But you didn't, and then you managed to complete the rest of your breathing, and-

   14. YUYusef5:39

       In- in a different pool.

   15. CWChris Williamson5:40

       ... and, and did it work?

   16. YUYusef5:41

       No. I- (laughs)

   17. JOJonny5:42

       (laughs)

4. 5:44 – 6:41

   Unmeasured “testosterone optimization”: edging for a month (someone else’s fail)

   1. YUYusef5:44

      I mean, I didn't, I- I didn't test it, which was the, the first step. But, um, yeah. The- there was another guy I know who did something similar where he edged. So he took himself to the point of pro- of just about to ejaculate and then pulled back.

   2. CWChris Williamson5:58

      (laughs)

   3. YUYusef5:58

      And did that to himself every day for a month. Didn't have sex with his girlfriend the whole time, which must have been really annoying for her because he thought it would increase his testosterone.So, there he is for a month. Not, uh, "I'm sorry, no, I can't have sex with you 'cause I'm-"

   4. CWChris Williamson6:12

      Doing this thing.

   5. YUYusef6:13

      "... trying to optimize my testosterone."

   6. CWChris Williamson6:15

      And what happened?

   7. YUYusef6:16

      Again, I was like, "Did you, were you training at the time? Did you measure anything? Did you know what your calories were?" "No."

   8. CWChris Williamson6:21

      (laughs)

   9. YUYusef6:21

      Right. (laughs)

   10. CWChris Williamson6:22

       (laughs)

   11. YUYusef6:22

       "So, you just annoyed your girlfriend for a month."

   12. JOJonny6:23

       Did you measure your testosterone?

   13. CWChris Williamson6:25

       No.

   14. JOJonny6:26

       No. (laughs)

   15. YUYusef6:26

       (laughs)

   16. JOJonny6:26

       I bet m- I bet day one of month two was fun, though.

   17. YUYusef6:29

       Oh, God.

   18. CWChris Williamson6:30

       Yeah.

   19. JOJonny6:30

       Shot himself across the room. It would feel, it would feel like you're being naughty.

   20. YUYusef6:33

       (laughs)

   21. CWChris Williamson6:33

       Yeah.

   22. JOJonny6:34

       It's when you've spent a month training yourself to not do that bit.

   23. CWChris Williamson6:37

       Yeah, and then I did it. Right, Johnny, what have you got?

5. 6:41 – 7:59

   Jonny’s university alcohol metabolism ‘hack’: front-loading vodka

   1. JOJonny6:41

      (inhales deeply) It all just flies in... just sound rubbish compared to that. Um, I had a, an experience at uni where (clears throat) I was just learning about alcohol metabolism and how to best... basically, I was on a quest for how can I get as drunk as I want to get without experiencing a hangover and any negative fallout consequences whatsoever. So, ate only, like, protein fluff all day, which is nice but, like, there's not very much substance to it.

   2. CWChris Williamson7:13

      (laughs)

   3. JOJonny7:13

      Gets to 7:00 PM and I've devised this situation where I, I had everyone that I live with, so six people, all doing this. We played Centurion, but with vodka. And the idea was in about an hour or less, we'd have all the alcohol we were going to have for the rest of the evening, give it plenty of time to clear, so that by the time we woke up, we'd be near sober.

   4. CWChris Williamson7:35

      Yeah.

   5. JOJonny7:36

      Of six people-

   6. YUYusef7:36

      Front load the alcohol.

   7. CWChris Williamson7:38

      Yeah.

   8. JOJonny7:38

      ... but, uh, to the extreme, of six people, two people made it out of the house.

   9. CWChris Williamson7:41

      (laughs)

   10. JOJonny7:41

       One person was borderline alcohol poisoning, uh, passed out, and me and the person who made it out were, ended up doing some things we regretted.

   11. CWChris Williamson7:52

       (laughs) So, what you're saying is don't try and get yourself-

   12. JOJonny7:55

       Don't. Just, just drink normally.

   13. CWChris Williamson7:56

       Yeah.

   14. JOJonny7:56

       Just drink normally. There is no way to optimize it, unfortunately.

6. 7:59 – 11:06

   Chris’s 23rd birthday spiral: Skrillex, knee dislocation, property damage, and a bus to buy a car

   1. CWChris Williamson7:59

      Um, so my 23rd birthday, I'd organized to go and buy a car on my birthday, but then went out with my business partner, Darren, to go and see Skrillex-

   2. JOJonny8:10

      (clears throat) Mm.

   3. CWChris Williamson8:10

      ... at Digital. Um, and as I did at the time, the exact reason why I'm sober now, I'm an all or nothing kind of guy when it comes to drinking, and ended up... I, I remember downing about half of a liter of Grey Goose in about three minutes from a speed pourer, straight arming it into my mouth. Um, later on in the evening, I dislocated my knee in the mosh pit. Uh, popped it back in. Darren-

   4. YUYusef8:36

      You popped it back, back in yourself?

   5. CWChris Williamson8:38

      Yeah.

   6. JOJonny8:38

      (laughs)

   7. CWChris Williamson8:38

      Darren, uh, got me on his back 'cause I could no longer walk, b- both due to the alcohol and due to the fact I'd popped my knee back in.

   8. JOJonny8:45

      (laughs)

   9. CWChris Williamson8:45

      Darren piggy backed me back-

   10. JOJonny8:46

       Did you dislocate your knee often or was that the first time it ever happened?

   11. CWChris Williamson8:48

       Ever happened.

   12. JOJonny8:50

       I'm speechless by that, Chris. How, how did you... What happened?

   13. CWChris Williamson8:53

       Don't know.

   14. YUYusef8:53

       Just hard bar stand dislocate. (laughs)

   15. CWChris Williamson8:54

       I was, I was leathered.

   16. JOJonny8:55

       You just went, "Ah, pop it back in."

   17. CWChris Williamson8:56

       Well, I was leathered.

   18. JOJonny8:57

       Pop what in where then?

   19. YUYusef8:58

       (laughs)

   20. CWChris Williamson8:58

       I don't know. I was leathered.

   21. JOJonny9:00

       Okay.

   22. CWChris Williamson9:00

       Um...

   23. JOJonny9:01

       We'll, we'll drop it.

   24. CWChris Williamson9:01

       Darren, Darren picked me up, took me back to his house. Outside of Darren's house, it was a single brick, wide brick wall. Imagine terraced streets that you see typical town side flats in Newcastle. Sat down on the wall and the wall was ready to go, crumbly, concrete between the lot. Cracked through the wall, so an entire small wall of bricks, 50 bricks, went over. It looked like a car had crashed into this person, but Darren lived in the maisonette upstairs, so I'd broken his next door neighbor's wall, went upstairs in the... Darren, so Darren... I, I lost my keys. That was it. I lost my keys so I couldn't get into my house. Darren had taken me back to his. I went up the set of stairs, tried to go to the bathroom, was aiming for the toilet, was weeing into the toilet, lost my balance, fell sideways into the bath, and then pissed all over myself while I was in the bath. Cracked the bottom of the bath as well-

   25. JOJonny9:50

       Oh.

   26. CWChris Williamson9:50

       ... so I split his bath in half.

   27. JOJonny9:51

       (laughs)

   28. CWChris Williamson9:52

       And then pissed onto myself and through the cracked bath into the floorboards underneath. Uh, woke up in the morning and realized that I had to get a bus to Perth-

   29. JOJonny10:02

       (laughs)

   30. CWChris Williamson10:02

       ... in Scotland to go and collect this new car, which was my 23rd birthday present to myself. Spent the entire day limping around because I was now sober with a stonking hangover and had to get a b-
7. 11:06 – 15:49

   Yusef joins a ‘cult’ as an experiment (10+ Saturdays of commitment)

   1. CWChris Williamson11:06

      I'm shit. I am shit. Right. Lescon, can we learn about when you joined a cult, please?

   2. YUYusef11:11

      Yeah, so...

   3. JOJonny11:13

      (laughs)

   4. YUYusef11:14

      (laughs)

   5. CWChris Williamson11:14

      For the listeners at home, we have been begging him to tell us this story.

   6. JOJonny11:18

      I think you s- should do two for our ones.

   7. CWChris Williamson11:20

      Fine. Two to one, work the rest.

   8. YUYusef11:22

      Right, so I'll do both of your requests, cult and big poo in toilet. (laughs)

   9. CWChris Williamson11:25

      (laughs)

   10. YUYusef11:26

       So, we... the, the, I think all of these stories start from a ca- a position of, like, being experimental and not-

   11. CWChris Williamson11:35

       (clears throat)

   12. YUYusef11:35

       ... having such FOMO of like, "But what if there is something to it? What if, what if I do spend three weeks in a pool-"

   13. CWChris Williamson11:41

       Yeah.

   14. YUYusef11:41

       "... underwater, two hours a day, and actually it is slightly beneficial?" So, the cult was something that was recommended to me. I thought, "I'm gonna join it." Um, I probably shouldn't say the name of it because, um-

   15. CWChris Williamson11:55

       Can you give it an alternative name?

   16. YUYusef11:57

       Yeah. Um, Grubblybub. So-

   17. CWChris Williamson12:01

       Cool.

   18. YUYusef12:02

       The... I, I joined the Grubblybub cult, and it basically involves going to Barrack and standing, (laughs) standing in a dark room with some old men.

   19. CWChris Williamson12:13

       (laughs)

   20. JOJonny12:13

       (laughs)

   21. YUYusef12:17

       And-

   22. JOJonny12:17

       Just, just for my clarity, when did this happen?

   23. YUYusef12:20

       This was last summer.

   24. JOJonny12:22

       (laughs) Oh.

   25. CWChris Williamson12:23

       Oh, my God. (laughs) oh, my god.

   26. YUYusef12:25

       No, not th- as in, yeah, so summer-

   27. JOJonny12:28

       Right.

   28. YUYusef12:28

       ... summer 2017. Uh-

   29. CWChris Williamson12:29

       There's so much stuff that he just doesn't mention.

   30. JOJonny12:31

       We never find out.
8. 15:49 – 16:57

   The ‘eat 200g spinach’ calendar reminder with no explanation

   1. CWChris Williamson15:49

      Do you remember when I came round to your house?

   2. YUYusef15:51

      Mm-hmm.

   3. CWChris Williamson15:51

      And you had a huge bowl of spinach in front of you, and you were eating raw spinach from the bowl, and I said, "Why are you eating that massive bowl of spinach?" And you said, "I'm not sure. I read something at some point that said eating a bowl of spinach was good for me, but I can't remember what it was and I can't remember the effect it's supposed to elicit."

   4. JOJonny16:09

      It was a, it was a calendar reminder.

   5. YUYusef16:09

      It wa- it was a calendar reminder, exactly. It was so *******.

   6. JOJonny16:12

      (laughs)

   7. CWChris Williamson16:15

      (laughs)

   8. YUYusef16:15

      So, (laughs) so you know sometimes when you, like, you s- you find yourself in a situation, you're like, "Oh man, past me has scuppered present me because I forgot to, like, take the chicken out the freezer or I forgot to whatever."

   9. CWChris Williamson16:28

      (laughs)

   10. YUYusef16:29

       Whereas in this case, past me did myself a favor but didn't explain why.

   11. JOJonny16:33

       (laughs)

   12. YUYusef16:33

       So all I had was a, was a calendar invite saying, "Eat 200 grams of spinach." Like, I have read this and it is, and I, I verify that it is correct. And I'm like, "Okay, well, like, I trust past me more than anyone."

   13. JOJonny16:47

       (laughs)

   14. YUYusef16:48

       As long as it's like posts...

   15. JOJonny16:50

       What I admire so much is that you just go, "Okay."

   16. YUYusef16:54

       (laughs)

   17. JOJonny16:54

       "Time to do that then."

   18. YUYusef16:55

       "Time to eat spinach."

   19. JOJonny16:56

       And then you just do it.

9. 16:57 – 19:35

   The blocked toilet ‘big poo’ disaster: boiling water, atomized smell, and the field stick solution

   1. YUYusef16:57

      (laughs) So what was the other, the big poo in toilet story.

   2. JOJonny17:02

      Big poo. (clears throat)

   3. YUYusef17:03

      We were talking on the previous podcast, uh, last week or...

   4. CWChris Williamson17:07

      Some week.

   5. YUYusef17:08

      Some week. (laughs) We're getting time warp wrong.

   6. JOJonny17:10

      Some week, sometime.

   7. YUYusef17:12

      Um, about do not live with seven people. Lived in a flat with seven people. Um, someone did a big, big poo in the toilet and it blocked it. It got halfway caught up the U-bend, wouldn't move at all, um.

   8. JOJonny17:28

      (laughs)

   9. YUYusef17:29

      A- and then it's a case of like, do people just continue to try and poo on top of it and hope that it s- pushes it down?

   10. CWChris Williamson17:35

       Mm-hmm.

   11. YUYusef17:35

       Very risky move.

   12. CWChris Williamson17:36

       Mm-hmm.

   13. YUYusef17:36

       So I boiled the kettle fully.

   14. CWChris Williamson17:40

       (laughs)

   15. YUYusef17:40

       Poured it on the poo, and all it did was release the steam. It, it, it almost like it, it concentrated the smell and dispersed it throughout the room.

   16. JOJonny17:49

       (laughs)

   17. YUYusef17:49

       So then all I've done is created a net negative situation where like it's-

   18. JOJonny17:53

       (laughs)

   19. YUYusef17:54

       ... the, the poo doesn't dislodge at all but all it's done is enhanced the, the potency of the poo.

   20. CWChris Williamson17:58

       You atomized the poo. (laughs)

   21. YUYusef17:59

       Atomized it, sp- like dispersed it throughout the bathroom.

   22. CWChris Williamson18:03

       (laughs)

   23. YUYusef18:03

       Seven people, we all can't go to the toilet.

   24. JOJonny18:05

       (laughs)

   25. YUYusef18:05

       My flatmate, um, who is one of the smartest people I've ever met, but has a very odd way of things. Um...

   26. CWChris Williamson18:17

       David. Someone called-

   27. YUYusef18:18

       Will.

   28. JOJonny18:18

       David.

   29. YUYusef18:18

       Yeah, Will.

   30. JOJonny18:18

       All right.
10. 19:35 – 27:31

    Apple Watch stand reminder ruins the morning—and the motorway lift that turns into a chase

    1. YUYusef19:35

       Johnny and I were at a competition in Leeds.

    2. (laughs)

    3. And we were, we... So, to start with, actually, th- this is, this is your life fail. Um.

    4. (laughs) .

    5. So, Johnny's, Johnny had just bought an Apple Watch.

    6. Oh, damn.

    7. I turned up at his house, at his parents' house at 7:00 AM saying, "Hi, is Johnny ready to go?" His mum's like, "I don't know. I've not seen him yet." And then I just hear, like, "Shit."

    8. CWChris Williamson20:02

       (laughs)

    9. YUYusef20:02

       (laughs)

    10. And then Johnny comes running downstairs looking really groggy and red-eyed, just like, "Oh, what time is it?" "7:00." "Oh, no. I set my alarm, but it didn't go off." And I was like, "What do you mean?" He was like, "Well, what happened is my Apple Watch at 4:00 AM started buzzing and making noise going, 'Oh, you've been sat down too long. Time to stand up.'"

    11. CWChris Williamson20:23

        (laughs)

    12. YUYusef20:24

        (laughs)

    13. "'You've been sedentary for too long.' So, so I, I got up, ran around the room, tried to, like, get ready, and then..."

    14. (laughs)

    15. "... Becca was, was like, 'What are you doing?' And I was like, 'What?'"

    16. CWChris Williamson20:37

        Then you turned, you turned the alarm off, went back to sleep, slept through the alarm.

    17. YUYusef20:40

        Well, because then, you're so pissed off at your Apple Watch that you're like, "Fuck off."

    18. Just ignore it. (laughs)

    19. CWChris Williamson20:42

        Take it off my wrist. Yeah, and then?

    20. YUYusef20:44

        So, you went to the meet, and what happened at the meet?

    21. CWChris Williamson20:45

        Mm-hmm.

    22. YUYusef20:45

        So, we ended up going to the meet a bit late. We-

    23. (sighs)

    24. ... made the way in and so on. (laughs)

    25. CWChris Williamson20:51

        This is-

    26. YUYusef20:51

        This is the realization-

    27. CWChris Williamson20:52

        (laughs)

    28. YUYusef20:53

        ... of what happened. And also, long day, lots of caffeine, like, and if you've heard our opinions on caffeine, I'm a very low caffeine t- person, so taking pill-form caffeine is a kind of rocket fuel. Driving back, 7:00 or 8:00 PM, final stretch. I'm like an hour away from home, and this, I'm on the motorway, and this woman jumps out-

    29. CWChris Williamson21:16

        This is different to what I thought it was then.

    30. YUYusef21:17

        ... in front of me (sniffs) in bits, like in tears. So, I put the brakes on, rolled down the window like, "Are you all right?" And she's like, "Me husband, me husband just kicked us out the car. I'm dr- I've got VDA. Can you give us a lift?" And I'm like, "Uh."
11. 27:31 – 33:21

    Powerlifting meet: ‘nose talk’ ammonia fiasco that ruins Ben’s entire day

    1. CWChris Williamson27:31

       Let's do Ben. Let's do what happened with Ben.

    2. YUYusef27:33

       And Ben, yeah.

    3. CWChris Williamson27:33

       That's who. So-

    4. JOJonny27:34

       Okay.

    5. CWChris Williamson27:35

       I can, I can actually contribute to this one. So we, I went to go and see Johnny compete at his first ever powerlifting meet in Ashington.

    6. JOJonny27:43

       This wasn't the first ever. This was, like, a year ago.

    7. CWChris Williamson27:45

       My f- The first time-

    8. JOJonny27:46

       Your first. Got it.

    9. CWChris Williamson27:46

       ... that I've ever seen you compete at a powerlifting meet. Ashington.

    10. JOJonny27:49

        Ashington?

    11. CWChris Williamson27:49

        And, Ashington. And for people who've never been to powerlifting meets before, it's just like a testosterone-filled room of chalk and metal and people shouting.

    12. JOJonny28:03

        And talcum powder.

    13. CWChris Williamson28:03

        And old men. There's-

    14. YUYusef28:05

        All in an IT room of a community center? (laughs)

    15. CWChris Williamson28:07

        Yeah, it's-

    16. JOJonny28:07

        (laughs)

    17. CWChris Williamson28:08

        It's in... And the, that's what, that's what strangest about it. The fact that you've got this hyper aggressive, super strong kind of culture.

    18. JOJonny28:20

        (laughs)

    19. CWChris Williamson28:20

        And then it's just been deposited into a, a school-

    20. JOJonny28:23

        The first welfare center.

    21. CWChris Williamson28:25

        ... a school sports hall.

    22. JOJonny28:26

        In Ashington.

    23. CWChris Williamson28:26

        And they've had to move the A-frame from, from primary school to one side so that they can get the lifting-

    24. JOJonny28:31

        What's, what's most mental about that is you walk down the corridor to the warmup room, and there's, like, children's sort of paints all over the walls.

    25. YUYusef28:38

        Oh, yeah.

    26. JOJonny28:38

        You get into the gym and there's, like, three or four world champions train in that gym, and always have trained in that gym. And it's just the most out of place thing. It's... The whole thing's just a bit uneasy, the wh-

    27. YUYusef28:48

        The... Everything about the room, like, e- everyone has the same postural deficits. Like, they're all, they're all lordotic.

    28. CWChris Williamson28:53

        (laughs)

    29. YUYusef28:53

        Like, bums sticking out, big quads everywhere. Um, like-

    30. JOJonny28:57

        Lots of beards, lots of piercings.
12. 33:21 – 35:57

    OBGYN rotation misunderstanding: ‘syphilis’ vs. ‘sickness’ and an awkward exam

    1. YUYusef33:21

       Okay. So, this is one I think Johnny's heard. You haven't heard this yet. I've just finished an obstetrics and gynecology rotation, so pregnant women and vaginas, and, um, I went into ... I, I was ... It was 5:30. I was with a ... I was in a clinic, and I was like, "Right, can I, can I go now?" Um, she was like, "Yeah, if, if you found it useful." And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, it's been, it's been good. Like, I forgot to do an examination on one of the patients, but-" She went, "Oh. I will, uh, I will arrange for you to, um, do examination." I was like, "No, no, no, it's okay."

    2. CWChris Williamson33:54

       (laughs)

    3. YUYusef33:55

       "I will call, I will call." She call- calls up the next ward manager and is like, "I have a student here who's, uh, wanting to do the examination." I'm like, "Ah, it's 5:30, like, ple-" And she was like, "No, no, no, don't worry, don't worry." And so sent me off to another ward. Someone else met me and was like, "Oh, you need to get this." 'Cause you have to get things signed off as part of it, so you observed examinations of certain things. And it was examining a pregnant woman. And so I turned up and I'm like, "Hi. Yeah. I've been sent over. Like, do you have any pregnant women that I can-"

    4. CWChris Williamson34:24

       Look at.

    5. YUYusef34:24

       "... look at and examine and t- feel the bump and stuff." Um, not just, like, feel the bump.

    6. CWChris Williamson34:30

       Yeah.

    7. YUYusef34:31

       (laughs) Um, she was like, "Yeah."

    8. CWChris Williamson34:32

       If you want to do a baby shower.

    9. YUYusef34:33

       (laughs) She, she was like, "Yeah, okay. Um, there's one here." Went into an isolation room and this doctor came in and was like, "Hi there, Victoria. How are you doing? Yeah. Oh, you've had a lot of syphilis, haven't you? Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, we've got this student just wants to, um, do ... perform an examination for his, uh, for (laughs) for his workbook." And it's like, ugh. So I'm washing my hands and I'm like, "Okay." And then she just revealed the belly and, um, naked from the waist down. When you ha- ... Part of it is you have to, like, when you're measuring the baby, you have to get right into sort of the top of the vagina, and I'm like ...

    10. CWChris Williamson35:09

        (laughs)

    11. YUYusef35:10

        Um, so you don't wear gloves for this one. Um, and then, like, afterwards, finished the exam, washed my hands vigorously.

    12. CWChris Williamson35:17

        (laughs)

    13. YUYusef35:17

        Left the room just like, "Oh, man."

    14. CWChris Williamson35:19

        Set the one on fire.

    15. YUYusef35:19

        And then I had a chat with this doctor afterwards and was like, "So, um, you said she had a lot of syphilis." She was like, "I'm sorry, what?"

    16. CWChris Williamson35:25

        (laughs)

    17. YUYusef35:25

        I said, "Y- you said when you came in, you were like, 'Hi, you've had a lot of syphilis.'" She was like, "Oh, sickness."

    18. CWChris Williamson35:31

        (laughs)

    19. YUYusef35:31

        I'm like, "Oh, thank goodness."

    20. CWChris Williamson35:34

        (laughs)

    21. YUYusef35:34

        But I came out, like, don't touch anything, like ... 'Cause for someone to be described as having a lot of syphilis-

    22. CWChris Williamson35:39

        (laughs)

    23. YUYusef35:41

        ... that's like-

    24. CWChris Williamson35:42

        I can't believe that they ... That you thought, like, "Yeah, I'm just going in. No gloves. A lot of syphilis, here I come."

    25. YUYusef35:48

        Well, I was like, "Well, I've committed now." Like, and, and putting on gloves for something like that is a bit insulting.

    26. CWChris Williamson35:53

        (laughs)

    27. YUYusef35:53

        So ... But an- anyway, next, next story.

13. 35:57 – 37:57

    Travel fail: finding a bag of unknown drugs in Thailand (after flying through Dubai)

    1. CWChris Williamson35:57

       I'll, I'll, I'll jump in. I've got a quick one.

    2. YUYusef35:59

       Okay.

    3. CWChris Williamson36:00

       So, as it often happens with nightclubs, if we're stood in the door of a, of a venue, a lot of the time, um, bouncers on the door will confiscate drugs from people who have been going into clubs. So I went to Thailand a couple of years ago. And-

    4. YUYusef36:15

       (clears throat)

    5. CWChris Williamson36:15

       ... I'd been working on the night a few weeks before that and got myself out to Thailand. I'd flown via Dubai. Went to Thailand and I'd been fighting and, uh, training in a Muay Thai camp, which meant I'd been living in shorts for most of the time. And on the Saturday, all of the fighters go out and they have a meal, nice meal. So I had put my pair of jeans on and a shirt and I'd gone out-... gone to for this meal, and then gone to a bar afterwards. I'm going to the bar and I put my money somewhere. I didn't have a wallet on me, so I'm like going between all of my pockets. Put my hand into the little pocket that goes in the top of your jeans and pulled out a full gram bag of miscellaneous drugs, which one of the door staff had given me. And I was-

    6. YUYusef36:53

       Miscellaneous?

    7. CWChris Williamson36:54

       Well, just un- undiagnosed-

    8. YUYusef36:56

       Right.

    9. CWChris Williamson36:57

       ... un- unknown white powder.

    10. YUYusef36:58

        I'm so glad that you've, uh, said the story. (laughs)

    11. CWChris Williamson37:01

        (laughs)

    12. YUYusef37:01

        I wa- I was worried that you wouldn't, so.

    13. CWChris Williamson37:03

        It's one of my favorites. So I've, I've had this, I'm supposed to have put it in the safe, but I'm running around outside of a nightclub and I've forgotten. Remembering that I've flown through Dubai, where it's life in prison for having drugs on you, and then arrived in Thailand where the penalty can be death. They still have the death penalty for Class A drugs over there. And at which point, I went like (gasps) .

    14. YUYusef37:31

        (laughs)

    15. CWChris Williamson37:32

        Had a near mental breakdown. Um, and then I actually ended up throwing it in a river.

    16. YUYusef37:37

        Just realizing the enormity of-

    17. CWChris Williamson37:39

        Of what I've done.

    18. YUYusef37:39

        ... yeah.

    19. CWChris Williamson37:39

        But it's, it's, it's such an odd sensation that something terrible has happened whilst nothing at all happening.

    20. YUYusef37:46

        It was exactly... Well, it was how I felt with the, the police cars and the-

    21. CWChris Williamson37:50

        Yeah.

    22. YUYusef37:50

        ... swimming pool and stuff.

    23. CWChris Williamson37:51

        Yeah.

    24. YUYusef37:51

        It's like, "Oh," something.

    25. CWChris Williamson37:52

        Something awful's occurred, but actually at the same time, nothing's awful, nothing awful's occurred.

    26. YUYusef37:57

        Mm-hmm.

14. 37:57 – 49:25

    Bali moped crash and the psychology of pain: embarrassment first, mindfulness later

    1. CWChris Williamson37:57

       I'm gonna do another one actually while I'm on this topic, 'cause I, I said this story the other day. This is quite an interesting, um, insight into how much we value other people's opinions of ourselves. So I was in Bali last year. I just need to stop going away in the summer, 'cause just mad shit happens.

    2. YUYusef38:13

       (laughs)

    3. CWChris Williamson38:13

       I was in Bali last year. I was driving a 50 pence per day Balinese moped and I, uh, a truck pulled out on me while I was driving along Balinese road. I had a helmet on, but I was wearing tiny swim shorts and a vest. Slammed my brakes on, um, the back wheel started to skid out. So released the brakes, bike straightened up, but then I was about five yards away from the truck. So I could have either pulled the brakes again and risked skidding or allowed myself to hit this truck. And I was like, "Right, lesser of two evils, pull the brakes again, see what happens." Sure enough, bike went out from underneath me, me in my tiny swim shorts was like (imitates creaking sound) along the ground, all on one side. So it was elbow, shoulder, knee, outside of front of shin, and then all of the top of my foot. So all of the skin was just removed. I think you guys have s- you guys saw the story pretty-

    4. YUYusef39:05

       Yeah, I sent a photo.

    5. CWChris Williamson39:05

       ... soon afterwards, yeah. Um, pretty gruesome, like, very, very painful injuries afterwards. But at the time, I didn't feel any... The prevailing sensation, the prevailing emotion I had was embarrassment. So ahead of fear of physical injury, pain, disfigurement, self-preservation, any of those things-

    6. YUYusef39:31

       It's like, "Oh, I'm so stupid." Mm-hmm.

    7. CWChris Williamson39:32

       The prevailing feeling was, "I look like a twat." And I had a couple of guys that w- I was riding with-

    8. YUYusef39:37

       Is it also that you're like, "I'm the white guy on the moped and..."

    9. CWChris Williamson39:40

       A little bit. Well, yeah, there's a stereotype of, like, fucking tourists.

    10. YUYusef39:44

        Yeah.

    11. CWChris Williamson39:44

        And, um, a j- a couple of the guys that I was riding with came back and they came over and they were like, "Fucking hell, mate, you all right?" I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be okay." Like, I've removed most of the skin from one side of... from my arm and-

    12. YUYusef39:57

        Oh.

    13. CWChris Williamson39:57

        ... leg, from one side of my body, and the entire top of my foot has gone, and I'm there saying, "Yeah, yeah, no, I'm fine," like, "Let's just crack on." They were like, "No, we need to go to a pharmacy." And I was like, "Right, okay, let's go to a pharmacy then." Sure enough, as the adrenaline begins to wear off a little bit and the pain starts to kick in, and this is probably the most, in terms of total amount of pain, like area under the pain curve for the next four weeks, like the most painful thing that I've ever had to deal with. But as it happened, the first 10 to 15 seconds afterwards, all I really felt was embarrassment.

    14. YUYusef40:27

        Can you also just describe the alcohol swabs?

    15. CWChris Williamson40:30

        Oh, yeah. So this is... How did I miss this as a life thing, honestly?

    16. YUYusef40:36

        Mm-hmm.

    17. CWChris Williamson40:36

        It's wood for the trees again, isn't it? Like...

    18. YUYusef40:38

        Yeah.

    19. CWChris Williamson40:39

        (coughs) So I was on my way to a beach club and I was with, uh, two guys, one of whom is an Aussie. So his... and both of them worked offshore, so they were, like, fully medically trained. Pulled into a pharmacy, picked up some alcohol wipes and some dressing, some tea tree oil and some other stuff that would cleanse it and some, uh, iodine. And they were like, "Right, well, we might as well, we're halfway to this beach club and we need to get you cleaned up, so you might as well come with us. We'll do that, have a couple of beers and we'll turn around." Remember, like at this point, all of the skin from the front of my shoulder, like my anterior shoulder, all of my elbow and halfway down my forearm, the outside of my knee took a lot of the impact and then a lighter grazing, but still all of the front of my shin on the outside and then literally the top of my foot is gone. So we pull into this really nice beach club and the guys who are doing like the, um, uh, the valet service outside just looking us up and down and they're on the left hand side of me, which is the s- the side that has got... And they just look at me as I go past, it's bright red, like blood red. Anyway, "My man, you okay?" I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, don't, don't, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it."

    20. YUYusef41:53

        (laughs)

    21. CWChris Williamson41:53

        Get into the beach club, go into the bathroom, and it's a really nice posh beach club where they've got miniature hand towels and it's just as well because I needed to use those to pick bits of Balinese road out of my flesh. So it was like, "Right, before we start-"

    22. YUYusef42:06

        Absolutely hepatitis road, isn't it?

    23. CWChris Williamson42:07

        Yeah, man.

    24. YUYusef42:08

        (laughs)

    25. CWChris Williamson42:08

        Well, it was coarse, like gravel and big chunks in the road. So it was like hitting a cheese grate, like, hitting a-

    26. YUYusef42:16

        Oh.

    27. CWChris Williamson42:16

        ... concrete cheese grater. (coughs) So anyway, I'm starting to wash my wounds with this, uh, water, and it's... I can feel, like...... the, the severity, what was worse was the severity of my injuries got worse as I went down. So shoulder was worse, and elbow was worse, then knee was worse, then foot. And the foot was really bad. So I've got this drinking water, and I'm kind of sloshing it on, and I can feel that, like, stinging sensation, like, very, very strongly. It's just exposed flesh basically. And a little droplet of water just went down and hit the top of my foot, so I was doing that and it just set it on fire. I couldn't believe how painful it was, and I was like, "Fuck's sake." So I'm, like, kind of shaking a little bit, but also-

    28. YUYusef42:55

        (laughs)

    29. CWChris Williamson42:55

        ... oddly out of my body at the same time. I think probably a dump of adrenaline on the back end and a few other bits. So I've got these towels (laughs) and I'm, like, picking bits of gravel out of the side of my leg and, like, trying to dab certain ... digital.

    30. YUYusef43:09

        (laughs)
15. 49:25 – 1:10:16

    Micro-fails and closing philosophy: airplane data charges, lost diary, public trust, and ‘what counts as cheating?’

    1. YUYusef49:25

       Yeah, so I've, I've... there's a few mini ones. Um-

    2. CWChris Williamson49:27

       Do a mini one.

    3. YUYusef49:28

       Did we do the th- the, um, data charge on the-

    4. CWChris Williamson49:33

       No.

    5. YUYusef49:33

       ... on the plane? Right.

    6. CWChris Williamson49:33

       No.

    7. YUYusef49:34

       So-

    8. CWChris Williamson49:34

       (laughs)

    9. YUYusef49:35

       ... on the way to Thailand-

    10. CWChris Williamson49:38

        (clears throat)

    11. YUYusef49:38

        ... um, I fell asleep and I was naughty, you know, and they're like, "Make s- make sure you turn your phone on airplane mode." I was like, "Nah," so.

    12. CWChris Williamson49:45

        Fuck you, man.

    13. YUYusef49:46

        (laughs) Sure, man.

    14. CWChris Williamson49:46

        Fuck you, man.

    15. YUYusef49:47

        So, so I just... I fell asleep and we were still over the UK 35 minutes into the flight. And I woke up for a moment, checked my phone, saw that I had a text message, "Hi, welcome to Aero Mobile. You are now using our services connected with Vodafone. You are being charged seven pounds per megabyte for data and-"

    16. CWChris Williamson50:08

        (laughs)

    17. YUYusef50:08

        ... you know, a million pounds for me- minutes and messages.

    18. CWChris Williamson50:11

        (laughs)

    19. YUYusef50:12

        I'm like, "Oh, God. Okay, so-"

    20. CWChris Williamson50:16

        (laughs)

    21. YUYusef50:16

        So I checked my daily data usage on the settings and it said 526 megabytes.

    22. CWChris Williamson50:25

        (laughs)

    23. YUYusef50:25

        And I was like, "Oh, right. Okay, hang on." Quickly, like immediately airplane mode, calculator, multiplied by seven pounds, that's 3,700 pounds.

    24. CWChris Williamson50:35

        (laughs)

    25. YUYusef50:35

        I'm like, "I'm gonna have to sell the car, sell-"

    26. CWChris Williamson50:38

        (laughs)

    27. YUYusef50:38

        "... sell my kidney." Like, this... Uh, and I sat there just mincing for the next 24 hours, 'cause it was a 22-hour flight and obviously, like-

    28. CWChris Williamson50:47

        And you're just trapped, unable to turn it off. You've got no network access.

    29. YUYusef50:50

        No network access, knowing that I've just got this massive impending bill that's way beyond what I can afford, just sat there just like, "For h- for falling asleep?" But I wasn't even using it. Like, I don't understand, like... But it's, it's... So it's like you- you've just... They've just come into your, into your pocket and they've just gone.

    30. CWChris Williamson51:05

        So it's just apps refreshing in the background?

Episode duration: 1:14:15