Life Fails 101

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (wind blowing) (laughs) You need…

   1. CWChris Williamson0:00

      (wind blowing) (laughs) You need a-

   2. JOJonny0:07

      You need a clap, sound clap?

   3. CWChris Williamson0:09

      Two-handed. (hands clapping)

   4. YUYusef0:11

      And we're back.

   5. JOJonny0:12

      S synced in.

   6. CWChris Williamson0:13

      Welcome back. Today we are going to do life fails. Now, if you are an avid Modern Wisdom listener, you will know that we often do a life hacks series. It's one of our most popular, and today we are going to give our best stories about when those... those journeys into making our life more optimal go awry-

   7. YUYusef0:38

      (laughs)

   8. CWChris Williamson0:38

      ... I think is the best way to put it. (laughs)

   9. YUYusef0:41

      Yep.

   10. JOJonny0:41

       Yeah. Death by optimization.

   11. CWChris Williamson0:44

       (laughs)

   12. JOJonny0:44

       In your ca- in your case.

   13. YUYusef0:45

       Instant death.

   14. CWChris Williamson0:46

       Yeah.

   15. JOJonny0:47

       (laughs)

   16. YUYusef0:47

       Not- not one of these slow, drawn-out deaths like-

   17. JOJonny0:48

       Do not pass go.

   18. YUYusef0:50

       Oh, catastrophic.

   19. JOJonny0:50

       Do not collect 200 points.

   20. CWChris Williamson0:51

       Going directly to being beheaded. Um, I think we need to let you open up with your first life fail.

   21. JOJonny0:58

       So Yousaf has a list. Chris and I probably have, like, a couple between us.

   22. CWChris Williamson1:02

       Yeah, I've got-

   23. YUYusef1:03

       My- my list-

   24. CWChris Williamson1:03

       I've got sentiment, and you've got more life fails than you do life hacks.

   25. YUYusef1:06

       (laughs) I think a lot of my fails are stuff that you two remind me of. Like, "Oh, yeah, I forgot about that."

   26. JOJonny1:12

       Yeah.

   27. YUYusef1:13

       I don't know why they seem to happen.

   28. JOJonny1:15

       Can I see the list?

   29. YUYusef1:16

       Yeah.

   30. JOJonny1:16

       It's just my f- my favorite list.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   (laughs) …

   1. YUYusef15:00

      Okay.

   2. JOJonny15:01

      (laughs)

   3. YUYusef15:01

      (laughs)

   4. JOJonny15:01

      It's so funny.

   5. YUYusef15:02

      Right. So who-

   6. CWChris Williamson15:03

      Can I just, before you move on, what was, what was supposed to happen with the cult?

   7. YUYusef15:07

      We're supposed to also do, like, I, I don't know whether it's maybe suggestibility.

   8. CWChris Williamson15:13

      Mm-hmm.

   9. YUYusef15:13

      So like, they, 'cause they were really into it, like, and speaking of-

   10. CWChris Williamson15:17

       I don't think that you're particularly suggestible at all, Aaron.

   11. YUYusef15:19

       It's a shame though, but I wanted to be. That, that's the annoying thing, like I was like, "I want to." (laughs)

   12. CWChris Williamson15:22

       But they, they, you can't want to be suggestible. That's-

   13. YUYusef15:25

       (laughs)

   14. CWChris Williamson15:25

       ... that's how it works.

   15. JOJonny15:25

       They presumably don't go and think, "Oh, I can't wait to get possessed." Like, what are they trying to do?

   16. YUYusef15:29

       Well, they, and they don't call it possess, but they, like, yeah, so-

   17. CWChris Williamson15:32

       The spirit moves through them or something like that.

   18. YUYusef15:34

       But I, I did feel, I felt like the silly one in the group.

   19. CWChris Williamson15:38

       (coughs) Which is, which is incredibly bizarre that you felt like the silly one.

   20. YUYusef15:41

       Lying on the floor just like, "Ha ha."

   21. JOJonny15:42

       I just love, I love the commitment. 10 weeks to Berwick Community Center.

   22. YUYusef15:46

       To d- yeah, the w- the local one was just 50 acres.

   23. CWChris Williamson15:48

       Do you remember-

   24. YUYusef15:49

       Oh, right. Sure.

   25. CWChris Williamson15:49

       Do you remember when I came round to your house?

   26. YUYusef15:51

       Mm-hmm.

   27. CWChris Williamson15:51

       And you had a huge bowl of spinach in front of you, and you were eating raw spinach from the bowl, and I said, "Why are you eating that massive bowl of spinach?" And you said, "I'm not sure. I read something at some point that said eating a bowl of spinach was good for me, but I can't remember what it was and I can't remember the effect it's supposed to elicit."

   28. JOJonny16:09

       It was a, it was a calendar reminder.

   29. YUYusef16:09

       It wa- it was a calendar reminder, exactly. It was so *******.

   30. JOJonny16:12

       (laughs)
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   So they, th- they…

   1. JOJonny30:00

      what's the reason for it?

   2. YUYusef30:01

      So they, th- they use it to wake people up, but they also use it to test if someone is malingering and claiming that through some, you know, through some kind of l- lawsuits, that they've lost their sense of smell.

   3. CWChris Williamson30:11

      Mm-hmm.

   4. YUYusef30:11

      People will hold nose, nose talk or not... (laughs)

   5. CWChris Williamson30:14

      (laughs)

   6. YUYusef30:14

      Or, like, ammonia, not the brand of nose talk, under their nose and say, "Can you smell this?" And the people who are lying will be like, "No, I can't smell it." But actually, um, it's not processed as a scent, as a smell. It's processed as pain.

   7. CWChris Williamson30:28

      Okay.

   8. YUYusef30:28

      'Cause it strips you. Sinuses.So it's ... And they ... And you guys sniff it before you lift to kind of get yourself

   9. CWChris Williamson30:34

      So I don't.

   10. YUYusef30:35

       ... hyped up for it. (laughs)

   11. CWChris Williamson30:36

       I, like, I-

   12. YUYusef30:37

       Have you ever used it before lifting?

   13. CWChris Williamson30:38

       No. W- one time.

   14. YUYusef30:39

       (laughs) And it was bad?

   15. CWChris Williamson30:40

       It was terrible.

   16. YUYusef30:41

       (laughs) Why?

   17. CWChris Williamson30:42

       Uh, people who get really amped up before lifting, it is completely and utterly unnecessary.

   18. YUYusef30:46

       'Cause it's a technical sport.

   19. CWChris Williamson30:48

       Like, the strongest people in the world, calm as a Hindu cow. Like, they just walk on, lift the weight, then walk off again.

   20. YUYusef30:54

       Unless you're Steven Manuel.

   21. CWChris Williamson30:56

       But there are people stronger than him who are just ...

   22. YUYusef30:59

       (laughs)

   23. CWChris Williamson31:00

       And so, like, it just shows that it's not required.

   24. YUYusef31:03

       (laughs)

   25. CWChris Williamson31:03

       It ... Like, it's fair enough if you want to make a fuss, but-

   26. YUYusef31:05

       Everyone's got their different reasons to do it though.

   27. CWChris Williamson31:05

       ... you don't need to. Of course. Yeah.

   28. YUYusef31:07

       So, yeah, and (clears throat) Ben, who was one of Johnny's fans-

   29. CWChris Williamson31:12

       (laughs)

   30. YUYusef31:12

       ... was, um, was sat in the crowd, and we were saying, "Well, look, he should- everyone should have a smell of this." And I got pushed quite hard towards smelling it, and I stood my ground because I knew that it would be a bad idea for me.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Mm-hmm. …

   1. YUYusef45:00

      'cause he got full body burns and he said that the nurses, out of, um, compassion, would try to, when they had to replace people's, um, dressings once a day, they would undo the bandages slowly.

   2. CWChris Williamson45:12

      Mm-hmm.

   3. YUYusef45:13

      And the patients started to develop, um, a real anxiety when it came to the bandages being done. Um, and it turned out that actually he suggested, after experiencing both himself fast and slow, he was like, "Actually, fast is much better."

   4. CWChris Williamson45:27

      Yep. (fingers snap) Just over.

   5. YUYusef45:29

      Because slow is just this ongoing ... he was like, "It's an unpleasant experience regardless."

   6. CWChris Williamson45:33

      Yep.

   7. YUYusef45:34

      So he suggested, like, let's just switch to fast.

   8. CWChris Williamson45:37

      As quick as possible.

   9. YUYusef45:38

      And they did and he said it was so much better.

   10. CWChris Williamson45:39

       So yeah, done that one. Then did elbow as well. Dressed it, put this lovely dressing on, put the iodine on which should have hurt, but again, the nerves are just transmitting nothing. And I'm, like, (sighs) sweating. It's hot, really, really hot.

   11. YUYusef45:50

       Mm-hmm.

   12. CWChris Williamson45:50

       I'm sweating. (coughs) Unbelievable amount of pain and then, um, I'm like, "Look, boys," like, "I need another couple of beers." So I'm, like, having ... have maybe two or three more beers remembering that I need to drive the bike back, but I w- I would-

   13. YUYusef46:03

       Mm-hmm.

   14. CWChris Williamson46:03

       This was at the time I was like f- like, "Just get through this. I need to get through this. Forget about driving back." Anyway, he's like, "Look, mate," like, "We need to crack on. I need to do this." 'Cause he was worried about me being exposed to the air, um, so there's, like, particles in the air and stuff like that. I don't really know-

   15. YUYusef46:17

       Oh.

   16. CWChris Williamson46:17

       ... how much truth is in that, but-

   17. YUYusef46:18

       Especially in Bali, I suppose. (laughs)

   18. NANarrator46:19

       (laughs)

   19. CWChris Williamson46:19

       Yeah.

   20. YUYusef46:20

       You just got-

   21. CWChris Williamson46:20

       We were right next to the beach, and et cetera, et cetera. So anyway, he does my knee and that's, like, that's another, another level of pain. Remembering, I already thought it had just got turned up to 11.

   22. YUYusef46:30

       (laughs) .

   23. CWChris Williamson46:31

       (laughs) That was, that was another level of pain, and I remember watching the guy that sat across from us as he helplessly saw one of his friends inflict pain on another one of his friends. And the guy that was doing it to me was going, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

   24. YUYusef46:45

       (laughs)

   25. CWChris Williamson46:46

       And I was like, "Mate, it's fine." He gone, "I know, but I'm so sorry."

   26. YUYusef46:48

       (laughs) .

   27. CWChris Williamson46:48

       "I'm just really sorry. I'm so sorry." And I was like, "Yeah, mate, it's okay. Like, you're doing what you need to do." And I was like, "Right, okay." And then it was gonna get to my foot, and my foot was just, it complete- the whole top of it had gone. And I was like, (sighs) "Right. Fucking hell." Another couple of beers. So I'm, like, heavily beer deep now.

   28. YUYusef47:06

       Mm-hmm.

   29. CWChris Williamson47:06

       But I'm like ... and anyway, I remember, I was like, "Right, just go for it." So he puts this thing across the top of my foot and, um, I'd just read, uh, Born to Run. And it's a book about, uh, African tribes and long distance running and stuff like that. And in that, they talk about when they're suffering with pain when they're running about rather than hiding from the pain, they go into it, and they open the pain up. They go to the exact sort of the epicenter, exactly where it comes from, and they deconstruct it and think about what it actually means and then it dissipates. And I was like, "Right, well, you know, I've never got a better, better time to try, try this experiment than now." So he did it, and sure enough, the pain was unbelievable. I had nothing I've ever, ever felt before. But very, very quickly, it stopped being pain. Like, I wasn't, I wasn't ... I didn't attach myself to the pain or associate anything with the pain, remembering that this was something that was good for me as well. And after maybe one second of kind of establishing myself with what the feeling was going to be, I started laughing. (laughs)

   30. YUYusef48:15

       (laughs) .
5. 1:00:00 – 1:10:16

   Came back. …

   1. YUYusef1:00:00

      sure mate, but I haven't, I need to get a new pair on Friday. So just come back then. I live up here." Um, and so the guy, as instructed, came up.

   2. JOJonny1:00:07

      Came back.

   3. CWChris Williamson1:00:08

      That is-

   4. YUYusef1:00:08

      Picked up the shoes.

   5. CWChris Williamson1:00:09

      ... really bizarre. Can we finish on you resuscitating someone in a skirt?

   6. YUYusef1:00:11

      Yeah, sure. We were like, "Sam, are you not, um, are you okay with what that man's going to be doing with your shoes?" And he was like, "Yeah, fine. You know..."

   7. CWChris Williamson1:00:18

      What's the, what's the thought experiment that you do about someone taking sexual pleasure from giving you a massage?

   8. YUYusef1:00:23

      Oh, yeah. So this is the, the... So there's a book called The Ethics of Touch, and, uh, it's recommended to anyone who is a clinician, I suppose, that involves touching someone. But it's, it... Yeah. There's things like, um, if somebody was massaging you and they were getting so much, a lot of enjoyment from it themselves, is that... But that doesn't change your experience of the massage, but is it something that you are uncomfortable with? Assuming, let's say you're a straight man, it's another man, and the man is getting enjoyment from it.

   9. CWChris Williamson1:00:56

      Mm-hmm. Is he getting-

   10. JOJonny1:00:57

       ... audible, or visually enjoyable for them.

   11. YUYusef1:00:59

       No, no, so he's giving no signals?

   12. JOJonny1:01:01

       Well, that doesn't matter anyway.

   13. YUYusef1:01:02

       So it's, so for you, you're, you're a utilitarian. Doesn't seem to bother you?

   14. JOJonny1:01:05

       As long as it's, so when, when you, I think you asked me this question recently and, uh, in my head, I'm like, I imagine that I could tell.

   15. YUYusef1:01:11

       Yeah. (laughs)

   16. JOJonny1:01:13

       Yeah. (laughs) And in that case, like, no, that's not okay.

   17. YUYusef1:01:15

       Yeah, I see.

   18. JOJonny1:01:16

       But-

   19. CWChris Williamson1:01:16

       So until it impinges on your experience, you don't mind?

   20. JOJonny1:01:19

       Well, yeah, well because how many, like, we may have all ... All the massages you've had may have been with someone absolutely loving every second of it. You don't know.

   21. CWChris Williamson1:01:27

       Mm-hmm.

   22. JOJonny1:01:27

       You're, you're no worse off.

   23. CWChris Williamson1:01:28

       Mm-hmm.

   24. JOJonny1:01:29

       So-

   25. CWChris Williamson1:01:29

       What about if you knew in retrospect? What about if someone told you after the event?

   26. JOJonny1:01:35

       I s- I think I could suspend the thoughts as long as ...

   27. CWChris Williamson1:01:40

       You know why that is?

   28. JOJonny1:01:40

       However ...

   29. YUYusef1:01:41

       Why?

   30. CWChris Williamson1:01:41

       Mindfulness gap.

Episode duration: 1:14:15