Non-Monogamy, Exclusivity Agreements & Regulating Sexual Jealousy - Justin Mogiliski

Justin Mogilski is an evolutionary psychologist at the University of South Carolina whose research focuses on consensual non-monogamous relationships. It’s often said that choosing the right life partner is the most important decision you can make. So if you're not sure, why not just choose two? Or more? And how do the people in these relationships make it work? Expect to learn whether non-monogamy is more likely to end in failure than typical relationships, what sorts of people are most likely to be non-monogamous, why the public so heavily condemns you dating multiple people, how you can better manage sexual jealousy, what the best predictors of relationship satisfaction are and much more... Sponsors: Get $150 discount on Plunge’s amazing sauna or cold plunge at https://plunge.com (use code MW150) Get a Free Sample Pack of all LMNT Flavours with your first box at https://www.drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom (automatically applied at checkout) Get over 37% discount on all products site-wide from MyProtein at https://bit.ly/proteinwisdom (use code: MODERNWISDOM) Extra Stuff: Get my free Reading List of 100 books to read before you die → https://chriswillx.com/books/ To support me on Patreon (thank you): https://www.patreon.com/modernwisdom #nonmonogamy #polygamy #dating - 00:00 Increase of Consensual Non-Monogamy 08:33 The Huge Role of Jealousy in Non-Monogamy 13:05 Personality Profiles of Non-Monogamous People 16:59 Most Common Non-Monogamy Practices 27:01 Importance of Exclusivity Agreements 29:37 Disclose Attraction Instead of Hiding It 35:31 Regulating Sexual Jealousy 45:41 Sharing New Partner With Current Partner 51:34 Non-Monogamy’s Branding Problem 1:05:23 Is Ancestral Polygamy a Myth? 1:15:40 Where to Find Justin - Get access to every episode 10 hours before YouTube by subscribing for free on Spotify - https://spoti.fi/2LSimPn or Apple Podcasts - https://apple.co/2MNqIgw Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - https://chriswillx.com/books/ - Get in touch in the comments below or head to... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact/

Chris WilliamsonhostJustin Mogilskiguest

Oct 27, 20231h 16mWatch on YouTube ↗

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Inside Consensual Non-Monogamy: Jealousy, Mate Value, And Maintenance Rules

Chris Williamson interviews evolutionary psychologist Justin Mogilski about the rise, psychology, and practicalities of consensual non‑monogamy (CNM), especially polyamory. They discuss prevalence rates, sex differences in motives and jealousy, and why CNM so often fails compared with straightforward monogamy. A major focus is Mogilski’s “multi‑relationship maintenance strategies” research, outlining concrete practices like attraction disclosure, jealousy regulation, and partner hierarchy that help CNM function. They also explore social stigma, fears about harems and inequality, and how insights from CNM might improve monogamous relationships as well.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Consensual non-monogamy is no longer fringe, but still selective.

Around 20% of Americans will try some form of CNM, with 5–10% maintaining it; people higher in openness to experience, LGBTQ+ identities, and unrestricted sociosexuality are overrepresented, but personality differences beyond openness are modest.

Men and women pursue CNM for different, partially predictable reasons.

Men report slightly more interest in CNM, often for increased sexual opportunity, while women are more cautious about commitment loss but may be drawn to polyamory’s multiple emotional bonds, support networks, and potential cooperative childcare.

Mate value asymmetries shape both desire for CNM and jealousy expectations.

Preliminary data show higher‑mate‑value partners are more interested in opening relationships and expect to feel less jealousy, partly because they feel more secure in keeping their partner and more confident in attracting alternatives.

Non-monogamy fails easily when third‑party effects are ignored.

Adding partners multiplies coordination problems, rivalry, resource competition, and jealousy; CNM relationships often break down when people focus on their own gains and underestimate how new partners alter existing dynamics.

Specific maintenance strategies strongly predict relationship quality in CNM and mono relationships.

Practices like attraction disclosure, jealousy regulation, clear (and revisited) agreements, thought‑through partner hierarchy, shared sexual health norms, and deliberate resource distribution correlate with higher satisfaction and lower conflict—even among monogamous couples.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

When you add in a third person or more, there's a unique dynamic that opens up where now you have to take into account how this third person is going to contribute to each person's life.

— Justin Mogilski

The vacuum sucks in speculation, and by filling the vacuum with transparency, the speculation doesn't happen so much.

— Chris Williamson

Jealousy is meant to preserve pair bonds, but there is jealousy that can actually make the relationship worse if it's chronic or misapplied.

— Justin Mogilski

There isn't really a playbook for how to do consensual non‑monogamy in a way that's ethical or in a way that doesn't potentially harm somebody.

— Justin Mogilski

The current paradigm is be monogamous. It's the equivalent of abstinence‑only education. This is more like teaching safe sex for having multiple relationships.

— Justin Mogilski

Prevalence and demographic predictors of consensual non-monogamySex differences in motives, jealousy, and mate value dynamicsWhy non-monogamous relationships fail more often than monogamous onesThe Multi‑Relationship Maintenance Strategies Scale and nine core practicesCompersion and psychological techniques for regulating sexual jealousyStigma, reputation management, and societal fears around CNMEvolutionary and societal implications of monogamy versus non‑monogamy

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