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Modern WisdomModern Wisdom

Self Confidence

Jonny & Yusef from PropaneFitness.com join me this week as we delve into the world of confidence. Expect to learn whether confidence is an innate talent or a skill that can be learned, what principles we have implemented to improve our confidence, what the term "self conscious" truly means, and why Jonny has been bullied into growing a top knot. - Listen to all episodes online. Search "Modern Wisdom" on any Podcast App or click here: iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/modern-wisdom/id1347973549 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0XrOqvxlqQI6bmdYHuIVnr?si=iUpczE97SJqe1kNdYBipnw Stitcher: https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/modern-wisdom - I want to hear from you!! Get in touch in the comments below or head to... Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Email: modernwisdompodcast@gmail.com

Chris WilliamsonhostYusef (Propane Fitness)guestJonny (Propane Fitness)guest
Jun 8, 20181h 43mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:05 – 1:38

    Pedantry, word mix-ups, and warm-up banter

    1. CW

      Um, the depth of aluminum. Thickness. Yes.

    2. YF

      Okay. (laughs)

    3. CW

      (laughs)

    4. YF

      I'm such a pedant when I'm talking to Chris.

    5. CW

      You are. (laughs) But I like it, you're holding me to-

    6. YF

      Now, Chris, you've said that sentence, but what do you actually mean?

    7. CW

      'Cause he said the other day that someone was the pariah of- And I meant pa- I meant paragon. Yeah.

    8. JF

      (laughs)

    9. CW

      I'm gonna use paragon, paragon as well.

    10. JF

      (laughs)

    11. CW

      (laughs) You pulled me up about it, there wasn't even anyone else here. The thing is, he's brutal. Like, I'll, I'll write a piece of content and he goes through and there'll be one typo and he's like... He spots it straight away.

    12. YF

      Batter again. Throw it out. (laughs)

    13. CW

      (laughs) I sent a, I sent an article for Muslim Fitness off to a couple friends.

    14. YF

      Muslim Fitness? (laughs)

    15. JF

      (laughs)

    16. CW

      Muslim Fitness did you just call it? Yeah. That's what it's called, isn't it?

    17. YF

      Muslim Fitness.

    18. CW

      (laughs) Oh, Muslim Fitness. Muslim Fitness. (laughs) Is there actually a-

    19. YF

      I bet there is.

    20. CW

      This tastes different to the other day. Same one. Weird. Tastes like pear. It's not pear.

    21. YF

      It hardly really is pear.

    22. CW

      I mean, it says on the front. Apple. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

    23. YF

      The pear one's lovely.

    24. CW

      Yeah, very caffeinated though. Heavily caffeinated. Yeah. That's the thing, you, you are at risk because of your severe- (laughs) ... and chronic- I feel like I'm trying to dock a spaceship-

    25. JF

      (laughs)

    26. CW

      ... with it. Let's not, 'cause we talked about docking last time and it, it went on for ages.

    27. YF

      Oh, yeah.

    28. CW

      Um-

    29. YF

      Love docking.

    30. CW

      ... so we've got a choice of what we're gonna talk about today. I think confidence. No, hold on. What were you, what were you saying? Chris said pariah. Oh, is, oh, is that the end of it? I meant paragon.

  2. 1:38 – 3:49

    YouTube rollout, outfits, hair, and the ‘top knot’ seed

    1. CW

      Right. I meant paragon. Yeah, there you go. On the floor. Thank you. So yet again, we're videoing and everything now is going on YouTube. People who are listening, you're gonna be able to subscribe on YouTube and I'm gonna be one of those people who says, "Don't forget to subscribe-" Mm-hmm. ... soon. Um, however, you've worn the same pants that you did for Life, uh, for Love Island.

    2. YF

      So it looks as though we recorded all of these in the same position. We're in even in the same position. Uh-

    3. CW

      Yeah.

    4. YF

      ... I think Johnny might be wearing some of the clothes.

    5. CW

      It's daylight now, though.

    6. YF

      It is, so-

    7. CW

      Similar-ish. More, I'm actually wearing different jeans, T-shirt and jumper. I've got pastel pair of shorts on as well.

    8. YF

      Oh, okay. Well, I mean, Johnny always just buys grey-

    9. CW

      See, all we're doing, all we're doing to the people that are just- Grayish blue. ... people that are just listening now are just getting these little tidbits of- Ooh, what's that?

    10. YF

      Maybe I should go on YouTube now.

    11. CW

      Open loop, open loop, open loop. Yeah, exactly. I want, I want to know what just, what shade of pastel are those shorts that Chris is wearing.

    12. YF

      I'm gonna have to go and subscribe and like all your videos.

    13. CW

      Are they like lilac? They are, they're a, a kind of lilac, yeah. But I mean, we don't wanna give too much away. No. Yeah. Um, also- 'Cause I mean, it's, it's really quite difficult to tell whether they are in fact lilac. Yeah, that's true. It's a really interesting color. I also desperately need a haircut, but that's, uh, that's by the bye. So we've got- 'Cause when your hair grows, does it just grow- It just gets larger. ... uniform?

    14. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    15. CW

      It just gets longer and gets larger. Yeah, so it's like a privet hedge. You know, so, I mean- Yeah. ... like you'd just be able to, if you had a- Do we cut with scissors? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it needs to- No, you can't use the- Yeah, yeah, you can. So you can shave it at the sides and the back. Mm-hmm. But, um, it needs to be wet and then uniform at like- I still think we need, you need something exciting to be doing. I mean, I had an afro for eight years. Yeah, but that's not... You can't just write off that brown. We haven't actually. Can we introduce the fact that you're growing a top knot to the people of- Absolutely. ... podcast world? Yeah. So- Podcast land. Podcast land. We... Podcastant. Me and, me and, me and Youssef decided that Johnny needed just a little bit more edge, do you think?

    16. YF

      So the, the, the-

    17. CW

      Ba-ba-boo.

    18. YF

      ... can you explain the theory behind this, or the basis that this was coming from? 'Cause I think that's-

    19. CW

      I'll let you, I'll let you conceptualize it. So, so I... Right.

    20. YF

      To start with, I have a friend-

    21. JF

      (laughs)

    22. CW

      (laughs)

    23. YF

      'Cause I'm too close to the mic.

    24. CW

      You've leaned in, but it's at, it's at the correct distance from all of us. I'll just keep a-

  3. 3:49 – 8:13

    Fashion advice: burning the wardrobe and adding edge

    1. YF

      Okay. I have two friends that I believe are equally attractive, but on different ends of the male autism spectrum. So Chris is-

    2. CW

      (laughs) Autism?

    3. YF

      (laughs) Of, of the two ends of the attractiveness spectrum.

    4. CW

      Okay.

    5. YF

      Um, so Chris and David-

    6. CW

      Why did you say autism? You mean autism?

    7. YF

      It's just another spectrum, isn't it? So-

    8. CW

      Oh, I see. (laughs) You're not saying Chris is autistic?

    9. YF

      Actually, I think Chris and David are probably on the same end of the autism spectrum.

    10. CW

      Yeah.

    11. YF

      I'll leave that up to you guys to decide which end of the spectrum.

    12. CW

      (laughs)

    13. JF

      (laughs)

    14. YF

      Anyway, um, both equally attractive, but Chris is very symmetrical, chiseled, muscular, that kind of a sport- sports gear look. And David is very gap year, silk kimono, um, lip ring, that kind of look. But-

    15. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    16. YF

      ... so both of them, despite being on both ends of the sp- fashion spectrum, both gave me a series of fashion pointers that aligned. And you think, well, if, if two people with good fashion sense but on different ends agree on that, then it must be quite a good piece of advice.

    17. CW

      Can you-

    18. YF

      So the observation-

    19. CW

      ... can you run us through the, um, the recommendations that were given to you?

    20. YF

      So burn the green high tops. I mean, for, for me, I'm, I'm a low-hanging fruit for fashion advice.

    21. JF

      (laughs)

    22. YF

      It was-

    23. CW

      (laughs) There was, there was so much to be made right so quickly.

    24. YF

      Exactly. It's like easy pickings. But burn the green high tops, get rid of all of your purple cardigans, all 15 of them.

    25. CW

      (laughs) There was just so much maroon.

    26. YF

      Stop... There was so much maroon.

    27. CW

      There was just so much maroon in your wardrobe.

    28. YF

      Stop wearing corduroy.

    29. CW

      Yeah.

    30. YF

      Um, grow a beard, get a skin fade, get a nose stud or a nose ring, fa- and tattoo. Done.

  4. 8:13 – 12:49

    The top knot plan, ‘moral hazard,’ and social proof from girlfriend & hairdresser

    1. JF

      Well, what, what... So the reason is moral hazard.

    2. CW

      Do you think that this is a... Do you think the top knot's a gateway drug?

    3. JF

      I, so I, I feel like-

    4. YF

      (laughs) You're gonna have to explain moral hazard.

    5. JF

      Okay, so it's, it, there's... You, you would experience absolutely no downside if it was terrible.

    6. CW

      (laughs)

    7. JF

      Would you? You would ex- You, you-

    8. YF

      Upside of amusement, but-

    9. JF

      You only have upside to gain. I have-

    10. YF

      You have to live with it.

    11. JF

      ... not only, not only the journey of growing hair long enough to put in a mini ponytail on top of my head-

    12. CW

      (laughs) .

    13. JF

      While, while simultaneously keeping the sides and back of my hair very short. If it looks shit by that... So there's the, there's the time in the middle where it's going to look shit regardless.

    14. CW

      You said that, but it's looking better.

    15. JF

      If it looks shit at the end, then you two will find it, uh, hilarious I imagine. And I'm like, "Fuck's sake, I'm gonna have to go to the hairdresser."

    16. YF

      So you, I think you need enough faith in us as friends that we would tell you if it got to that point.

    17. JF

      Well so, I mean, here we are.

    18. CW

      Yeah. How long has it been since you've had the top of your hair cut?

    19. JF

      Uh, 12 weeks.

    20. CW

      That's a long time.

    21. JF

      I mean-

    22. CW

      You must have had it really short before, 'cause it doesn't look that much longer now.

    23. JF

      It's just because-

    24. CW

      I think it's 'cause it's like slicked back, isn't it?

    25. YF

      Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So it's getting long.

    26. JF

      It is long.

    27. YF

      I guess 'cause when I saw from the side-

    28. JF

      When I, when I wake up and the center of my head is just-

    29. CW

      (laughs)

    30. JF

      ... vertical block of hair.

  5. 12:49 – 15:05

    Pivot to confidence: impostor syndrome, dignity, and embracing folly

    1. YF

      Fine. So, um, are we gonna talk about confidence today? Kind of carries on from that in a kind of a roundabout way, I suppose. So the three-

    2. CW

      I don't really, I don't really get, um, this is, I'm kinda handing the table over to you, you guys a little bit here, because I think it's-

    3. YF

      We want to talk-

    4. CW

      ... it's a topic-

    5. YF

      ... quiz you on this, I think.

    6. NA

      (clears throat)

    7. CW

      Maybe. You've been pushing this topic for a little while-

    8. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    9. CW

      ... and we've, we keep on missing it. Um-

    10. YF

      I think it's what everybody would like to have. I think even people who are confident often don't think they're confident. Impostor syndrome is-

    11. CW

      Yeah, 'cause I think for s-

    12. YF

      ... rife isn't it?

    13. CW

      ... for someone who is truly confident, that usually, well, if they come across confident, usually if they ask them, that deep down, there's a, there's an insecurity that they think is forefront of their personality.

    14. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    15. CW

      But everyone else just sees confidence.

    16. YF

      Yeah. Well, I think it's the people who are wholly unconfident that have the most brash-

    17. CW

      Yeah.

    18. YF

      ... forthcoming.

    19. CW

      Yeah. Like an o- a, a compensatory-

    20. YF

      Yeah.

    21. CW

      ... like, I need to wear this front-

    22. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    23. CW

      ... to appear confident.

    24. YF

      Interesting, because I got a miniature book from School of Life. If you follow me on Instagram, you'll see that a lot of the time I quote stuff by Alain de Botton, who is-

    25. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    26. YF

      ... the philosopher and the guy behind School of Life. Unbelievable YouTube channel, you should check it out. Um, and I bought, uh, the smallest book that I think you could buy, it's 79 pages, and type, like font size 20.

    27. CW

      Is it like-

    28. YF

      It's just it's small, it's just a very s- very small, very thin book, and it's called Confidence. And it goes through a number of the elements he thinks in the modern world that contribute to somebody's confidence. And the number one, or the, what appears to be the prevailing element, is that people who are confident do not have, do, they don't hold themselves with too much dignity. So I saw his video on it last night actually, after your recommendation.

    29. CW

      Yeah.

    30. YF

      It was in my capture process, life hacks 103.

  6. 15:05 – 18:49

    Attention and mindset: RAS, self-deprecation traps, gratitude, and reframing stress

    1. YF

      So, uh, I think that he was saying, like, y- we all, as soon as we recognize that and we stop holding ourselves to the standards of our strengths-

    2. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    3. YF

      ... and we realize that if you, if you're in a foreign country and you ask someone for directions thinking that you're gonna get shot down because they'll be like, "Oh, what a prick, the silly tourist."

    4. CW

      Yeah.

    5. YF

      And you just accept that that's the case anyway, then it's a pleasant surprise if you don't, it's a, it's quite stoic, which kind of makes sense. But I, I think if you focus your attention way too much on how silly and crap you are, as Brits, we're already very good at that I think.

    6. CW

      Yeah.

    7. YF

      And so the tendency then is to become so self-deprecating-

    8. CW

      Yeah.

    9. YF

      ... that it almost becomes a, a reality or a truth. And we know that the, you know, uh, and to try and say this in the least esoteric terms of like, "What you focus on becomes your reality, man."

    10. CW

      (laughs)

    11. YF

      But like the, the reticular activating system in your brain will seek patterns in the sense that even if you listening right now, if you look around in your room for anything red, suddenly your brain tunes into all red items and tunes out everything else. And if you close your eyes and then say, "Right, tell me what things in your room were blue," you've tuned out them and you didn't notice them.

    12. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    13. YF

      Because they'd already, you were focusing on something else.

    14. CW

      Yeah.

    15. YF

      And so, I think-

    16. CW

      Is this like the, it's like think of something you're grateful for argument? You know, like (laughs) you know, like, the gratitude journal is if you are focusing on being grateful, then you can't be anxious or ...

    17. YF

      I definitely feel there's sort of ...

    18. CW

      ... You know, there's ...

    19. YF

      ... a frame.

    20. CW

      I'm aware this is a little bit of a departure, but the, um, doing a gratitude journal is, I've only done it for the first time this year. And the only way I've been able to do it is by buying one that only requires three minutes on a morning and three minutes at night. Of-

    21. YF

      You bought the palm off of the five-minute journal, didn't you?

    22. CW

      I did. It's called the six-minute diary.

    23. NA

      (laughs)

    24. CW

      Yeah.

    25. YF

      It's unbelievable, isn't it?

    26. CW

      Absolutely. How, how someone hasn't gone cease and desist letter, like, express overnight mail. It's the five minute, five-minute journals-

    27. YF

      Oh, actually, it's an extra minute long, so it's ...

    28. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    29. YF

      Uh, we've called it a diary, not a journal.

    30. Genius.

  7. 18:49 – 25:41

    What is confidence, really? Social confidence vs competence, delusion, and extroversion

    1. YF

      I think we have to define it as well, 'cause the, the English language is quite clumsy with the word confidence in that a- Speaker 3<|agent|><|en|>

    2. CW

      What does confidence mean to you?

    3. YF

      ... a-p, to, 'cause to say, "I don't feel confident in my session," is very different to someone being a confident person-

    4. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    5. YF

      ... which would be the lack of social anxiety in that case.

    6. CW

      Yeah.

    7. YF

      And I think it, there's multiple dimensions of it similar to willpower or, or discipline.

    8. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    9. YF

      That Steve Pavlina come, came up with six subcategories of discipline, and they don't necessarily overlap, and you could have very good training discipline. We know people that are really good at hitting the gym six times a week, but they completely lack discipline in another aspect of their personality, for example. So- Mm-hmm. It's one of the things, one of the reasons why, I think... Oh, so a lot of people judge, like, a, an overweight person or someone who's, like, poorly dressed. Oh, I've heard people saying this. And they, they immediately have all sorts of assumptions on what that person's like, but th- uh, th- uh, their house might be really tidy. They might be really productive at work. There's research to show that people judge photos of obese people as having certain character traits. Like lazy-

    10. CW

      Yep.

    11. YF

      ... and-

    12. CW

      Yeah. So what does confidence mean to you? In the context that we're talking about here, what does confidence mean to you?

    13. YF

      In, in the context that I, that I wanted to pick your brains on, it's, it's the, the, the social aspect of confidence. Because I think you excel in this particularly. Maybe it's part of your constitution, maybe it's part of your job and you've had to maintain that. And as we talked about on Love Island as well, you were very much able to switch it on-

    14. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    15. YF

      ... when you wanted to. Uh, I guess that's not really, that's kind of putting on a certain mask, but-

    16. CW

      Yeah.

    17. YF

      ... there was no hold back. And being on TV, for example, is, is the quickest way to reveal the cracks, I think, in someone's shyness- Do you think it's the, the... 'Cause it's what, you know Jordan Peterson talk, when he talks about mastery in saying that it's, you do something and it turns out how you expect, consistently.

    18. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    19. YF

      And like when you, when you can do that, then you, you could say you've mastered something.

    20. CW

      It's the world, it's the world appearing the way that you planned it to be. Is it not something along those lines? It's, uh, mastery is a prediction of the world coming true. Yeah. It's a, it's your prediction of the world-

    21. YF

      Oh, see, and chaos is the opposite-

    22. CW

      Yeah.

    23. YF

      ... as a result. Yeah.

    24. CW

      (laughs) Yeah.

    25. YF

      So like, you think you'll get a promotion, you get a promotion.

    26. CW

      Get a promotion.

    27. YF

      You think you'll end up in a relationship you want and can get married-

    28. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    29. YF

      ... and, and it all works out.

    30. CW

      Yeah.

  8. 25:41 – 33:24

    Truth and vulnerability as the core of durable confidence

    1. CW

      But that's what I love now, so I love challenging people like that, and I think, again, one of the main things, and I said it on Love Island, it was the, um... well, not on Love Island, I said it on the podcast about Love Island. It was one of my concluding thoughts was that speaking the truth, for me, sounds like a JBP, uh, sermon all over again, but speaking the truth for me was the one thing that liberated me from feeling, from any remaining feelings of unconfidence. And the fact of the matter is that if you tell the truth in any given situation with regards to confidence, you're kind of bulletproof from anyone calling you out or f- from you feeling silly about anything, because-

    2. YF

      This is the Mark Manson and Paul Mort approach of like, well, Mark Manson's saying vulnerability is strength, because if you can be fully vulnerable, e- even telling a joke that might not be well-received in a social situation is expressing your vulnerability because you're hanging yourself out to dry potentially.

    3. CW

      Yeah.

    4. YF

      And then other people are the ones that decide whether-

    5. CW

      Absolutely.

    6. YF

      ... that is acceptable or not.

    7. CW

      It's a very endearing quality as well. I think one of the, one of the main things that I wish that I'd known a little while ago, especially with regards to confidence, was that confidence and strength are not two of the same things. Like, showing that you're this indomitable spirit who never gets swayed and never doubts himself and stuff like that, that's not necessarily confidence. Confidence is telling people exactly how you do feel about things. So over the last three years, I've made a, a, um, a conscious effort to try and be more forthcoming when I do have doubts about myself, specifically through social media. It's a platform that I've got where I can speak to more people more quickly than doing it to whoever's in the office at the time.

    8. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    9. CW

      But even with stuff like that, um, having, having the courage of your convictions, I guess, is one of the main things that has changed for me over the last three years. Previously, I was able to play the role of someone who was confident. Now, uh, you know, I, I genuinely do believe that I've got a level of confidence that I haven't ever had before in my life, and I do think that almost all of that is attributed to the fact that I just don't care about whether or not someone thinks what I say is silly, and that is purely due to the fact that I can tell the truth. Because when you start to make up lies and fibs, little white lies, um, and-

    10. YF

      (laughs) Porkies.

    11. CW

      Little porkie pies.

    12. YF

      What, to try and polish the way that you come across?

    13. CW

      Yeah. Because then what happens is the dynamic changes from someone not liking you to "I should have constructed this situation in a different manner to make that person like me."

    14. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    15. JF

      Yeah.

    16. CW

      And there's this wonderful sense of liberation when you just speak your own truth, whatever that may be, and put it out there and then, "Okay, well, that guy didn't like me. Well, fine."

    17. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    18. CW

      Like, that's fine because that's m- it is me.

    19. YF

      We'll have to discuss this. I think, like, I mean, th- this, we'll have to maybe discuss this in more detail on the, the single, Singleness podcast-

    20. CW

      Yeah.

    21. YF

      ... and, but I know a few people that got heavily into pickup artistry, the really technical, like, "Oh, you've gotta do this thing and then neg them and then offer the thing and then..."

    22. CW

      (laughs)

    23. YF

      And, and it's like, all it did was, um... so I've got two friends that were really into it, and they both became quite depressed and jaded with the whole thing because, as you said, it made them construct a persona that was attractive to women-

    24. JF

      It was veneer, wasn't it? It was a façade.

    25. YF

      ... for 24 hours, and then, when they realized who they are, it created more of a divide, and it's like, "Oh, shit, actually, like, who I really am is so different to what women would find attractive-

    26. CW

      Yeah.

    27. YF

      ... that I just feel even worse about myself."

    28. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    29. YF

      Um, but yeah, we'll have to-

    30. CW

      Yeah. I think, so one of the first things that I think, and this, this should not read or, uh, hear or watch like confidence 101 because I don't, I don't understand the vast majority of the principles behind it.

  9. 33:24 – 34:52

    Self-consciousness decoded: stop mind-reading and shift attention outward

    1. JF

      Yeah.

    2. CW

      ... this is, this is this really, really cool quote, and I can't remember where it's come from but I will track it down. Well, I was reading an article a little while ago, and it was talking about people that say, "I am self-conscious." A lot of people that go into social situations, especially if you're introverted, can say, "I'm very self-conscious."

    3. JF

      Yeah.

    4. CW

      But the term's wholly incorrect.

    5. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    6. CW

      They don't mean, when they say, "I feel self-conscious," they don't mean that. What they mean is, "I am conscious of other people being conscious of me."

    7. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    8. JF

      Yeah. Mm-hmm.

    9. CW

      Not conscious of yourself.

    10. JF

      Or I'm worrying about other people's perception-

    11. CW

      Yeah.

    12. JF

      ... of me.

    13. CW

      Yeah.

    14. JF

      Yeah.

    15. YF

      And the, the common advice to fix that is to focus your attention outwards and, you know, ask people how they're doing, and-

    16. CW

      Yeah.

    17. YF

      ... rather than, like, stay in this ruminative ball of, like ...

    18. CW

      Absolutely. So I, I think, you know, to, to try and have a few concrete takeaways, some of the things that I've done that's helped me with increasing confidence, little bit of stuff that actually crosses over with pickup artistry. If there is anyone who's listening, I want, we want to do a couple of episodes, um, that include pickup artistry, and I'd love to have a guest on who knows this stuff inside out. So RSD Max or anyone like that, if you're listening. But, or anyone else who's further down the tree. Um...

    19. JF

      What's the guy who made the, wrote The Game?

    20. YF

      Neil Strauss.

    21. CW

      Neil Strauss. Get him up.

    22. JF

      Yeah, get him-

    23. CW

      Well, R-

    24. JF

      Get him, Mark Manson.

    25. CW

      Fine.

    26. JF

      Get a lot of them.

    27. CW

      Yeah. Well, RSD Tyler was born at the back of-

    28. YF

      There'll be different styles of people, as well.

  10. 34:52 – 39:08

    Body-to-mind feedback: power stances, posture evidence, and the ‘placebo’ that still works

    1. CW

      Yeah, for sure. So, uh, one of the things that they talk about is power stance, adopting a power stance when you go into a room. Have you heard about this?

    2. YF

      Yeah, so I, I did a lecture on this last week to the World-

    3. CW

      (laughs)

    4. YF

      ... the, the World Posture Association.

    5. CW

      Didn't hear it, it was on power stances?

    6. YF

      It was, it w- that included power st- so it was saying that posture is regulated by, yeah, hormonal, cognitive, uh, visual, um, and vestibular control. But the power stance thing is supposed to... So basically when people-

    7. CW

      Stand up straight with your shoulders back.

    8. YF

      Yeah. So the, the original TED Talk and the study was based on the fact that they made people go into a sham interview, stand in a power stance for two minutes, and then they measured their salivary cortisol-testosterone ratio, and it was higher in those who had stood in a power stance first. What they found later as they repeated the study, and there was some statistical manipulation that went on in the first ones, there's actually no evidence of hormonal changes, but I don't think we're looking to elicit hormonal change with a power stance. We're looking to change the mental state.

    9. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    10. YF

      And we know that people's ability to believe their own thoughts, positive or negative, about themselves is worse when they're sat hunched over looking, looking depressed.

    11. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    12. YF

      And when they're sat more upright, they have, they are, have more confidence in their thoughts.

    13. JF

      I'm a, I'm a lion. I'm a warrior king.

    14. YF

      I'm a lion. I, I can...

    15. JF

      I, right, I see what you mean.

    16. YF

      Because I curl 50-

    17. JF

      Rather than-

    18. YF

      ... kilos, I can-

    19. JF

      ... I'm a lion.

    20. YF

      I can fight a lion. And yeah-

    21. CW

      Yeah.

    22. JF

      (laughs)

    23. CW

      I mean, the whole first chapter of 12 Rules for Life is not a million miles away from this, is it?

    24. JF

      About lap dogs.

    25. YF

      Yeah, exactly. So I think-

    26. JF

      It's about lap dogs.

    27. YF

      So it, it, hormones or not, it, it does have an effect on...... you're both, the way that people perceive you. I mean, that's, that's kind of a- a- a self-evident thing. But also, the way that you process your own thoughts and how much you believe yourself.

    28. JF

      So, what, what is that stance then?

    29. YF

      Just upright, normal stance. Um-

    30. CW

      Feet wide apart, hands on hips if you can, without looking like a superhero.

  11. 39:08 – 1:00:52

    Non-attachment to outcomes: rejection, ‘don’t take it personally,’ and exposure practice

    1. CW

      Again, going back to the pick-up artist thing. One of the, one of the stories that I've heard is if you're with a group of friends and then you go around, "I'm gonna go and talk to that group of girls," and you get what's called KBed, get knocked back-

    2. JF

      (laughs)

    3. CW

      ... um, from a group, from a group of girls and you come back over and all of your mates are like, "Oh, mate. How sad's that?" And you're, "Well, hang on a second. Like, none of you would-"

    4. YF

      "I- I- I was the only one that expressed my vulnerability by going over." Yeah.

    5. CW

      None of you, none of you even had the fucking courage to go over there.

    6. JF

      Yeah.

    7. CW

      So what does that say about you? Like, who's got, who's got more confidence? The guy that comes back having been knocked back and has a laugh about it with their friends? Because we have to remember-

    8. YF

      Do you think the friends are testing that person by, by going like, "Hey," and then it's shown how they-

    9. CW

      I think it's a show- I think it's a show of vulnerability on their side. I think it's them going, "Fucking hell, I can't believe he went over and talked to those girls. I wouldn't dare have had the confidence to go over and do it myself."

    10. YF

      Oh, they're expressing their laddy way rather than like-

    11. CW

      "I must, I must therefore cover my own tracks and pretend that I would have done-"

    12. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    13. CW

      "... and had success as well-"

    14. JF

      Yeah.

    15. YF

      (laughs)

    16. CW

      "... by drilling someone in."

    17. JF

      So, but to have the confidence in the first place, to me comes from a place of having past experience of doing something and it working out quite well.

    18. CW

      But again, that's confidence purely based on the result.

    19. JF

      On experiences?

    20. CW

      No. Based on the outcome-

    21. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    22. CW

      ... which is the wrong way to look at it. Because you could go up to a group of girls every day for the rest of your life-

    23. JF

      Just get KBed.

    24. CW

      ... and get KBed all, all the time.

    25. JF

      Mm-hmm. And still be confident.

    26. CW

      And still have the confident... And that's confidence. It's confidence is-

    27. JF

      Or, or is it delusional? (laughs)

    28. CW

      Confidence is the lack, it's the lack of attachment to the outcome of that situation.

    29. YF

      You're right, 'cause that's even more confident. If you've been KBed a hundred times and you still go and do it with no fear, then that's-

    30. JF

      So how, how is that different to me thinking I'm good at football and being terrible?

  12. 1:00:52 – 1:32:47

    Domains of competence: clean your room, strength training, morning routines, and self-efficacy

    1. CW

      Um, one of the things we haven't really touched on yet, I don't think at all in this, I think the podcast we star- I started doing Modern Wisdom-... post, in the post-JBP world.

    2. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    3. CW

      So Jordan Peterson, who has been a guiding force for me in understanding, um, myself, and I think you guys to a degree as well, one of the key, um, (laughs) , one of the key habits that he asks people to cultivate is to clean up their room. And what he says is that-

    4. JF

      "Oh, bloody hell, clean your room." I mean, people think these, these kids, they're, they're 18 and, and they, they want to go out and change the world and they've got dirty socks in their room.

    5. CW

      (laughs)

    6. JF

      How can you opine about the economic state of the world when you can't even clean your room? I mean-

    7. CW

      So what he says is, what he says is that, um, your bedroom is y- a domain of competence within everybody's capacity, so-

    8. JF

      Mm.

    9. CW

      ... everyone can clean their room. Like, unless you're one of the people, those people out of, like, Hoarders, like, you can clean your room.

    10. JF

      You could have a disability.

    11. CW

      Okay.

    12. JF

      (laughs)

    13. CW

      Thanks.

    14. JF

      (laughs)

    15. CW

      That's just made me feel really-

    16. JF

      (laughs) In the same ...

    17. CW

      There's never a way to shame confidence.

    18. JF

      (laughs)

    19. CW

      Um, most people, a large majority of people, can clean their room and might-

    20. JF

      Might be blind.

    21. CW

      Thanks, Johnny.

    22. JF

      (laughs) .

    23. CW

      Um-

    24. YF

      Well, that's offensive to blind people who can't clean their room.

    25. CW

      No, it's not.

    26. YF

      'Cause, 'cause they're gonna say, "Well, I'm blind and I'm fine."

    27. JF

      I just said, "Might be, might be blind." I didn't say, "Blind people can't clean their room."

    28. YF

      Well, you implied that and they're gonna say-

    29. CW

      Might be.

    30. JF

      Well, an implication is a very personal thing. Like, what you've taken as my implication might not be what I imply.

Episode duration: 1:43:53

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