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What It’s Like Starring On Take Me Out

Ex Take Me Out contestant Chris Williamson talks about what life is really like behind the scenes on the ITV Show. - Video & production by Dean Hindmarch https://www.deanhindmarch.com/ https://www.instagram.com/deanhindmarch - Listen to all episodes online. Search "Modern Wisdom" on any Podcast App or click here: iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/modern-wisdom/id1347973549 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0XrOqvxlqQI6bmdYHuIVnr?si=iUpczE97SJqe1kNdYBipnw Stitcher: https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/modern-wisdom - I want to hear from you!! Get in touch in the comments below or head to... Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Email: modernwisdompodcast@gmail.com

Chris WilliamsonhostYusef (Propane Fitness)guestJonny (Propane Fitness)guest
Nov 26, 20181h 5mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:01 – 1:07

    Cold open: the three rules (and why the Love Lift is terrifying)

    1. CW

      Today, we are going to do what it's really like to be on Take Me Out. (instrumental music plays) The fear of every man that goes on Take Me Out is getting a blackout. Don't fall out of the love lift. Don't say anything overtly racist, and don't shit yourself. As long as you don't do those three things, honestly man, the logistics behind it are fucking terrifying. The love lift looks like a well-constructed, safe piece of equipment, but let me tell you, it is one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had in my life.

    2. YF

      Really?

    3. CW

      You're not allowed to have any more than one Corona, and you have to sign a waiver saying that you've only had one drink. You get to ask these girls one question. That question is picked already for you by the producers, and then gets prepped to the girls.

    4. YF

      Oh, wow.

    5. CW

      On my date on Take Me Out, I did not get arrested, but the police did arrive.

    6. YF

      Why?

    7. CW

      We'll get to that. I went into Arsehole Chris mode. I distinctly remember putting 40 euros down on the bar and saying to the barman, "Do as much damage to me as you can for that money there." The next thing that I remembered was waking up on the central reservation of Tenerife's largest motorway.

    8. JF

      (laughs) (wind blows)

  2. 1:07 – 1:59

    Why they’re doing this episode: revisiting Chris’s Take Me Out appearance

    1. CW

      Welcome back. I've been joined by Jonny and Yusuf from Propin Fitness. Some of you may have seen that we did a podcast, What It's Really Like Living On Love Island. It did pretty well, said nearly two million watch minutes, so I thought, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Let's try another one." So, today, we are going to do what it's really like to be on Take Me Out. (laughs) Uh, it's been six years since I was on, but the memory is burned, etched into, uh, into my nostalgia, so I'm not (laughs) going to be able to get rid of it. So both of you have actually seen the episode that I was on, right?

    2. JF

      We have.

    3. YF

      Saw it on TV when it was on.

    4. CW

      Live.

    5. YF

      Live.

    6. JF

      It's some of the only TV that Yusuf's ever seen.

    7. YF

      I think it's probably the only thing on TV I've ever watched, yeah.

    8. CW

      (laughs) Did you watch it because I was on it, or was it just

    9. NA

      Yeah.

    10. YF

      No, because you were on, yeah.

    11. JF

      Okay. He had to plug the TV in, adjust the aerial.

    12. CW

      (laughs)

    13. YF

      Tune it in.

    14. JF

      Grab a signal and everything.

    15. YF

      He had to go and buy a TV from a charity shop, like, plug it in.

    16. JF

      (laughs)

  3. 1:59 – 3:45

    What Take Me Out is—and how it feeds a reality TV career path

    1. CW

      Freecycle. Yeah, um, so I was on season two? No, season three. Season three, episode two. So quite early. I think it's on season 10 or 11 now. Um, for anyone who doesn't know, I mean if you don't know what Take Me Out is, wh- where have you been living? Because it's part of the mains. It's like Blind Date, it's like the modern day Blind Date now, isn't it?

    2. JF

      Although there is a Blind Date.

    3. CW

      Yeah. There is.

    4. JF

      Not very good though, is it?

    5. CW

      No.

    6. YF

      Cilla Black died or something.

    7. CW

      Yeah, Cilla Black passed away and now they've got Paul- Paul O'Grady I think.

    8. JF

      Yeah.

    9. CW

      The only reason they got him is because he's also Scouse.

    10. JF

      Right.

    11. CW

      Like, you know, there's other Scouse people out there.

    12. YF

      (laughs) Mm-hmm.

    13. CW

      Anyway, so-

    14. JF

      Don't be prejudiced.

    15. CW

      Um, I said on the Love Island podcast that I would be able to create a framework for anybody who wanted to get onto reality TV, and that my appearance on Love Island was preceded and aided by my appearance on Take Me Out. And if you have a look at some of the guys who've been on Take Me Out, they've actually gone on to have fairly good careers in TV. Ashley Cain, who was on Ex On The Beach and is now like a MTV host in his own right, and other stuff like that. Like, he cut his teeth so to speak on Take Me Out, like that was his first foyer into, foray into, um, TV. So this one, I actually got picked up by my modeling agency, so Ty & Tees put me forward for it, and you kind of, you skip past the first couple of like, "Are you a human?"

    16. YF

      (laughs)

    17. JF

      (laughs)

    18. CW

      Can you use a keyboard? Like you get past those first few-

    19. JF

      Like what's nine plus two.

    20. CW

      Yeah.

    21. JF

      All that sort of stuff.

    22. CW

      Yeah. It's literally just a CAPTCHA code for the first-

    23. JF

      For the whole thing.

    24. CW

      Yeah, that's it.

    25. JF

      (laughs)

    26. YF

      (laughs) Are you a robot? Tick the box.

    27. CW

      There you go.

    28. YF

      Ding.

    29. JF

      Passed that.

  4. 3:45 – 4:45

    Casting audition: doing a “fake Take Me Out” with cards and roleplay

    1. CW

      So, um, the casting process is quite interesting for Take Me Out because you have to basically do a fake Take Me Out, and they hold up cards of like different girls, and you have to choose different girls, and then they role play what it would be like being on the show with you.

    2. JF

      Okay.

    3. CW

      Which is pretty cool. So yeah.

    4. JF

      They pretend to be the girls that are on the cards?

    5. CW

      Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

    6. JF

      Did they put-

    7. YF

      Put a silly voice behind the card and like, "Aww."

    8. CW

      No, they didn't. It's not that immersive, which actually makes it more difficult.

    9. YF

      With an Oculus Rift on as well.

    10. JF

      They should give everyone an Oculus. That's actually classy.

    11. CW

      That would, that would be great.

    12. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    13. CW

      So yeah, um, got selected to be on, uh, a particular season. I actually found out on the way down to Maidstone in Kent, which is where it's filmed, I found out that two, a pair of twins that are my really good mates, Henry and Will, were also going down and were on my episode. So I got down there and I knew both of these guys. One of them works for Voodoo in Leeds and the other one worked for a competitor company in Newcastle. I was good mates with him. So it was basically like a lads' holiday for four days.

  5. 4:45 – 8:01

    How the production machine runs: four-day schedule and the girls’ brutal workload

    1. CW

      So the set up, for anyone who doesn't know, the set up of Take Me Out is when you're filming, they film back to back to back. So it's aired, I think it's on a Saturday night, and it's aired weekly, but the girls that are there, and the, um, audience and Paddy are just there for however many weeks it is, that's however many days they're there.

    2. YF

      Wow.

    3. JF

      Wow.

    4. CW

      So it gets filmed. The, honestly man, the logistics behind it are fucking terrifying. So day one, as a guy, day one, travel down, stay overnight. Day two, morning and daytime, uh, go and see the set, meet Paddy, practice what's going to go on, like the walk down, the love lift, and other bits and pieces which we'll get onto shortly.

    5. JF

      The love lift.

    6. CW

      The love lift, man. Um, evening of day two, presuming that you don't get a blackout, evening of day two, go to hotel near the airport. Morning of day three, get on plane. Evening of day three, land at wherever it is, the Isle of Fernandos.

    7. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    8. CW

      Um, stay overnight. Morning of day four, due date. Evening of day four, do Take Me Out The gossip. Morning of, morning of day five, fly back to the UK and fuck off. But what you have to remember is because it's back to back, w- every day one is someone else's day two, is someone else's day three.

    9. YF

      So there's this Gantt chart of the whole thing.

    10. CW

      So they've just constantly, constantly moving. It must be-... a logistical nightmare.

    11. JF

      It's, how do they make sure that everyone seems fresh?

    12. YF

      You can't be late for anything, like it's relentless isn't it? By the sound of it.

    13. JF

      So, so if I'm, if I'm a woman on Take Me Out, that means that I'm-

    14. CW

      One of the girls.

    15. JF

      Yeah.

    16. CW

      Yeah.

    17. JF

      So tha- so they, they're on every episode?

    18. CW

      Yes. Until they-

    19. JF

      Get picked or-

    20. CW

      ... get picked, or the series finishes, yeah.

    21. JF

      So they could be on 10 days in a row?

    22. CW

      Yeah.

    23. JF

      But in every single episode, they've got to be like, "Hi."

    24. CW

      "Hiya!"

    25. JF

      Like really excited to be there?

    26. CW

      Yeah. So-

    27. YF

      Every-

    28. CW

      ... the girls have got the roughest job of anybody, because the amount of girls there are, which I think is 20, maybe 20? There's-

    29. JF

      Maybe 20.

    30. CW

      ... maybe 20, and they have to get their hair and makeup done. I think the hair and makeup team's only maybe two people, two or three people? The girls, remembering that we begin filming at 5:00 or 6:00 at night on that day two-

  6. 8:01 – 12:05

    Meeting Paddy and rehearsals—plus the surreal “stage sheep” moment

    1. CW

      Let's go from start to finish. So you arrive on the morning, you go and meet Paddy McGuinness, who is the coolest guy on the planet, by the way. Like he can breakdance, he does karate, and he's got a Bolton accent, which I mean, like he's-

    2. JF

      That's the big three, isn't it?

    3. CW

      It is the big three, yeah.

    4. YF

      Yeah.

    5. CW

      Uh, and his missus is unbelievable.

    6. JF

      Did he get her through the Take Me Out process?

    7. CW

      He didn't, I don't think, which is-

    8. YF

      'Cause he'd have, he'd have to host and be the con- he'd be running between the two of you.

    9. JF

      But it would be the best advert for the show, wouldn't it?

    10. CW

      Yeah.

    11. YF

      Yeah.

    12. CW

      What, Paddy McGuinness with an identity crisis and multiple identities?

    13. JF

      Look at, yeah. Look at my wife. It's all as a result of this process, so you just go along with it, believe in it.

    14. CW

      Exactly.

    15. JF

      Trust the, trust the process.

    16. CW

      So you get to meet him on the morning.

    17. YF

      Would be quite a schizophrenic show to watch.

    18. CW

      (laughs)

    19. YF

      (laughs)

    20. JF

      (laughs)

    21. CW

      "No like it, no like it." "Oh."

    22. YF

      "Oh, no, I'm nervously. Oh, that's right." They go... (laughs)

    23. JF

      Is that in your pop culture sayings folder on your laptop?

    24. YF

      Yeah. (laughs) I wrote it down, took some notes.

    25. CW

      Loaded it in.

    26. YF

      (laughs)

    27. CW

      So you go in during the day and you get to meet Paddy. And what's kind of cool is, because you're the only person who's out on that stage in front of the girls, right? And if, it's 20 on one.

    28. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    29. CW

      And if you, if one of the girls has a bit of a pop at you, he'll give you one or two seconds to say something. And if you don't come up with something, he'll just throw a zinger in.

    30. YF

      Oh, I remember you saying that he's, he's got your back.

  7. 12:05 – 16:32

    Entering the arena: the live audience, one beer rule, and the Love Lift mechanics

    1. CW

      So you start off on the nighttime and the audience, the l- it's aired to about four million people.... and you don't give a fuck about the four million people, but you're terrified of the 250 that are live in the audience.

    2. JF

      Oh, right.

    3. CW

      250 people watching a TV show, all excited by Paddy McGuinness, is loud as a fuck.

    4. JF

      They're- they're behind you. They're in front of you.

    5. CW

      So the way that you start, so you can imagine that the, the studio's quite circular and you come in from the back, behind them, and then you walk around the edge, all the way to the back of the love lift. So you're walking behind the girls basically, but there's a big wall so you can't really see what's going on, but you can really fucking hear what's going on. And Paddy, there's a, an entertainer, like a comedian that comes on in between. It's actually probably a pretty good-

    6. JF

      Warm-up

    7. CW

      Yeah.

    8. ... evening out to go and see that. You get to watch a bit of TV and you get to see a comedian and there's-

    9. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    10. CW

      Paddy McGuinness comes out and warms everyone up a little bit. And I was, like, third person, I think. So I've got to hear like, "Ouaaay," and then the guy before me got a blackout and I'm like, "Oh my God, right, it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen." Um, you're not allowed to have any more than one Corona and you have to sign a waiver saying that you've only had one drink. Because some guy did something and got embarrassed and accused ITV of loading him up with booze.

    11. JF

      Ah.

    12. CW

      This was only season three when I was on and some guy within the first two seasons had already dragged them into some litigated nightmare in an effort to try and discount the fact that he was shit on camera. I don't know what- what had gone on, but you're allowed a Corona and you really, like the final, the last drop, you're like desperately trying to get it now.

    13. JF

      Yeah, yeah. Getting them all out.

    14. CW

      And, um-

    15. JF

      So you walk... 'C- 'cause this sounds stupid now when I really think about it, but I, I imagined that everyone's kind of waiting in this sort of upper studio and they all come down in the lift? But that's not what happens, right?

    16. CW

      No. So the first time that-

    17. JF

      So you- you walk in and come round the back?

    18. CW

      So you walk in and go right round the back and none of the girls see you and the comedian, whatever'll be on at this point, 'cause you're gonna be in between two-

    19. JF

      Right.

    20. CW

      And then you'll get in and you walk up a spiral staircase. And I know that from the front the love lift looks like a well-constructed-

    21. JF

      Yeah.

    22. CW

      ... and safe piece of equipment.

    23. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    24. CW

      But let me tell you, it is one of the most terrifying experiences-

    25. JF

      Really?

    26. CW

      ... I've ever had in my life. Like, it is just cables that are incredibly thin and very wobbly. And then you step on and you have to wait until... The whole point of the love lift is that you have to wait until it hits the bottom and then you take your first step. Because otherwise, you're basically just gonna-

    27. JF

      (laughs)

    28. CW

      ... s- step into mid-air.

    29. So that's point one of don't fall out the love lift.

    30. Okay.

  8. 16:32 – 18:52

    The game theory of lights: why early episodes are ruthless and incentives misalign

    1. CW

      And here's like one of the secrets of Take Me Out that is kind of a shit bit of the show. All of the girls are really, really aware that the longer that they keep their light off, the more episodes they're going to be on. If they get taken on a date, after one more episode on TV, that's them, game over. So have a look early in the season. Early in the season, the girls are "Boo, boo, boo. Oh, I didn't like the way that he crossed the road there. Boo! Oh, he double, doesn't double knot his laces. Boo!"

    2. JF

      Right.

    3. CW

      Like any excuse to turn off because they want to... So the-

    4. JF

      Yeah, TV.

    5. CW

      ... producers actually had to push the girls and be like, "Look, like you're being too... You're making it too difficult for the guys." So early on in the season, guys-

    6. Prisoner's dilemma.

    7. It's a what?

    8. It's a prisoner's dilemma because they're, the incentives aren't aligned there.

    9. Mm-hmm.

    10. And as you said, they can-

    11. Yeah.

    12. They, they, for them to prolong their thing, they can forego the chance of-

    13. Being on a date.

    14. Yeah.

    15. Which completely just-

    16. Ruins the point of the show, yeah.

    17. Wrecks the show. Yeah, exactly. So they had to say, "Look, you need to, you need to keep your light on more." And they're like, "Right, okay." So y- you're aware of that as a guy as well. You go on and you've heard this... "Oh, right to this, I'm on episode two or episode three." Like-

    18. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    19. CW

      "I 3:00, huh?"

    20. No one's been... Yeah, super, super difficult. So anyway, you come down and they, they get to "boo, boo" and, uh, I think I lost like one light or two lights at the very start, which is kind of good considering I had to-

    21. JF

      Do you not want to go and ask why? Like

    22. NA

      Why does everyone hate you?

    23. CW

      Well yeah, Paddy, Paddy goes over and he goes, "So Gemma, you've turned your light off. What..." "Oh, well, you know, I just, I don't like someone that's got bigger hair than me." Or whatever it is that they say, I don't know.

    24. JF

      Just anything, "I don't like someone with bigger hair."

    25. CW

      Something arbitrary.

    26. JF

      Right.

    27. CW

      Like something completely arbitrary. But anyway, so they do that and you start moving through and everyone-

    28. As long as it's not like, "I don't like a Black man." Or, you know, it's like...

    29. That's what-

    30. JF

      (laughs)

  9. 18:52 – 27:04

    VTs, edits, and performing yourself: how producers craft “flaws” and punchlines

    1. CW

      Videotape, mate, yeah. So you do your VT, you've already filmed this, like, four weeks in advance.

    2. Mm-hmm.

    3. So they come up and they just try and follow you around and-

    4. L- let me try and recall some of this. It was like, "My name's Chris. On the face of it, I'm a club promoter, I do all this stuff, but actually, deep down, I'm a bit of a nerd and I like to read Game of Thrones with my mates."

    5. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    6. CW

      And there's, like, a cut to, like, picture of you reading-

    7. YF

      (laughs)

    8. CW

      ... books with mates.

    9. YF

      Yeah.

    10. CW

      (laughs)

    11. Um-

    12. YF

      On an, on an L-shaped sofa.

    13. CW

      ... and then there's a couple of (book slapping down on table) boom, boom, read this book.

    14. YF

      (laughs)

    15. CW

      It wasn't... So do you know what it was? They... What they want to do, they don't want anyone to have too polished of a, um, like a persona or a persona that they put across. They want it to be kind of-

    16. They don't wanna have a chink in the armor, exactly.

    17. Exactly. So for me, they were like... I was like I was reading Game of Thrones and they went, "Right, okay, so you need to come in and sit down and say to the people in the room that you're really excited 'cause the dragons have started fighting." And I was like, "I don't wanna be pedantic here, but this is the second book in Game of Thrones and the dragons haven't hatched yet, so..."

    18. YF

      (laughs)

    19. CW

      (laughs)

    20. YF

      So that's gonna be even worse.

    21. CW

      Yeah. (laughs)

    22. So like how it's, it's not even like, "Uh, I wouldn't do that."

    23. Yeah.

    24. "I'm not that lame." It's like-

    25. Yeah, it's, it's like it's just wrong.

    26. YF

      No, no, it has to be accurate.

    27. CW

      "Technically, um..."

    28. So that, but they, uh, they have to throw something in at that to just give it a little bit of levels.

    29. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    30. CW

      Didn't lose a single light, the dragons.

  10. 27:04 – 31:04

    Choosing under pressure: distance, crowd influence, and the producer-chosen final question

    1. CW

      So the, the main bit, the main thing that I want to get across to everybody that's watching that's ever seen Take Me Out is the sheer distance from you to all of the girls that are there because-

    2. Physical distance?

    3. Yes.

    4. Okay.

    5. Like just ... I know that it looks, especially the ones that are in the front.

    6. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    7. CW

      So you're like, okay, maybe 10 yards, 10 yards away.

    8. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    9. CW

      But you start panning round towards the edges there, you're talking like 20, 25 yards away.

    10. I didn't think that when I watched it actually. Are you running over to the girl and you're like, "Fucking hell, Sarah." (laughs)

    11. No, it was an interview at work, but it was an interview-

    12. It's not like, doo, doo, doo, doo. (laughs)

    13. You, you know

    14. NA

      Turns out-

    15. CW

      Do you remember the bleep test at school? Turning off the lights of the girls is akin to the bleep test.

    16. JF

      Right.

    17. CW

      You get a Lucozade halfway through, and there's a masseuse that gives you a rubdown.

    18. (laughs)

    19. JF

      Or in segments.

    20. CW

      Yeah. (laughs) So the ... it is so far from where you're stood to where the girls are, and trying to decipher the granular elements of a girl's look and personality-

    21. JF

      Mm-hmm.

    22. CW

      ... from the 10 seconds that she's got to speak at 20 yards distance is-

    23. Plus rabbit in headlights mode.

    24. Oh.

    25. Because, because it's a Lego woman that you're dealing with, so-

    26. It's just a ... it is a perfect storm of error making.

    27. JF

      So can you remember the ... 'cause what I'm most interested in is this, the sequence of what happens. So like there's rounds.

    28. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    29. JF

      How many rounds? Three?

    30. CW

      I think three, yeah.

  11. 31:04 – 36:21

    The wrong pick—and the immediate regret (plus the Facebook workaround)

    1. CW

      Uh, I managed to pick ... (laughs) I'm going to be as diplomatic as possible here.

    2. JF

      (laughs)

    3. CW

      I managed to pick a girl who ...

    4. JF

      (laughs)

    5. CW

      She, she wasn't the most interesting. I'm going to remain diplomatic until later on. Um-

    6. JF

      Okay.

    7. CW

      So I, I have a fantastic ... My dating history is awash with girls, me picking girls that are really bad for me. And Take Me Out was no different.

    8. JF

      Bad for ... Like, you gained a bit of weight?

    9. CW

      (laughs)

    10. JF

      Like, what do you mean by bad for me?

    11. CW

      Developed a cocaine habit. Yeah. No.

    12. JF

      (laughs)

    13. CW

      (laughs)

    14. No, it was just that she was ... Broadly, she was really dull.

    15. JF

      Right. And so you want to talk about, like-

    16. CW

      Anything.

    17. JF

      ... what, what's, what's going to happen when AI takes over the world?

    18. CW

      (laughs)

    19. No, no, no. This was, this was Chris at 24. I was perfectly happy just talking about, like, what she did for fun or what her favorite cocktail was.

    20. JF

      Right.

    21. CW

      And there was one point where the conversation had got down to how her dad once took her crabbing. And I'm like-

    22. JF

      She's going to see this.

    23. CW

      She is.

    24. JF

      Yeah.

    25. CW

      She is going to see it. Or maybe she's not. I don't really-

    26. JF

      Not necessarily. Like, the internet is a big place.

    27. CW

      That's true.

    28. The internet, the internet is a big place.

    29. JF

      Massive, in fact.

    30. CW

      Just because, if, if I was in your position, I'd, I'd be thinking like, "Oh, I've got to spare her feelings." We didn't have a ...

  12. 36:21 – 44:03

    Post-selection secrecy: separating couples for continuity, then the Tenerife date

    1. CW

      Out the front. So what ... Now it gets onto the fun stuff, right? So this is the, this is the best, like, most interesting bits about the production as far as I'm concerned. So you meet Paddy. "Oh, meet S- meet your date for the thing." And you're thinking-... and then they get you to walk off, "You're off to the Isle of Fernando's." And you walk up and you get to the top and you turn around and you wave, and then you go down the steps. And as you're going down, there's always a camera backstage as a ... you start curling down, and you kiss her on the cheek and say she looks lovely or whatever. And then at the bottom of that set of steps, there are two runners that are like, "Right, don't look at her. Go that way. You, don't look at him. Go that way." And that is the last time that you see that girl until when you are in the isle- on the Isle of Fernando's and they appear from behind you and go, "Oh, hiya. We're ready to go dune buggying. You look lovely." And then you walk away. That's the next time that you see them.

    2. YF

      So there's no prep then? It, it's, thi- that's a fresh reaction when she's like-

    3. CW

      So from-

    4. YF

      ... "Hiya."

    5. CW

      ... from that moment where you get to the bottom of the steps and you part ways, you go to separate hotels next to different airports.

    6. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    7. CW

      Wow. So I went to Luton. She went to, like, Stansted or Gatwick or something. You then get on different flights, stay in different hotels in Fernando's, which the year that I was on it was Tenerife. So- Hats off to, like, the project manager for these shows. It is- Props. ... unbelievable. The, the- There must be a reason why they do that. That's what I'm wondering. Well, because they don't want ... So the reason that they don't allow you and your date to look at each other or ever interact off camera is because if you say something that's offensive or funny or cute, her reaction to you is going to change, but the justification for that hasn't been captured on camera, so there's a break in the storyline. I see. Does that make sense?

    8. YF

      So just the continuity Yeah.

    9. CW

      Yeah, pretty much. So they just don't want you or her to get anything, to know anything about each other- Without them being Without them being ... Without it being completely constructed. And, uh, I think, considering I said that Love Island's a very holistic kind of natural manifestation of people's emotions and it's not really fettled with all that much.

    10. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    11. CW

      Take Me Out, they don't ever script what you're saying. They allow you to have natural reactions, but it's a lot more highly produced, and-

    12. YF

      Oh.

    13. CW

      ... they, because of this really alien nature of it just being two of you and a f- fucking film crew of people- (clears throat) ... around you, and you've got these runners. So yeah, you get down to the bottom of the stairs and they're like, "Don't look at her. Go the other way." And then you part ways. Go to a hotel on the night with the other guys that have potentially got a date, if they've got a date. And then stay overnight, get up the next morning, get on the plane, fly out, spend the afternoon in Tenerife getting a tan and chilling out. (smacks lips) Go to sleep and then the call time- You're still not with the date? No, she's in a different hotel out there as well. Um, different call time in the morning, so you get up in the morning and it's like ... One of the guys f- ... I was the last date and I was up at half past six. The first date was up at five in the morning. Crazy. So there's a, a film crew out there that are just receiving these parcels that have ... You know, like, a T-shirt firing gun, like, boom.

    14. YF

      Mm-hmm.

    15. CW

      Boom. Just being shot out of a studio in Maidstone, and then these guys are just, like, catching couples. Wow. And then going, "Okay, so we're gonna go ..." So anyway, got out there and you have a set-up thing where you, you're gonna meet them on the morning and they come, "Oh, hiya," and it turned out that our date was going to be deep sea fishing, um, which is naturally not tremendously exciting date to be on. Mm-hmm. And unfortunately that wasn't aided by the girl that I was on it with. (laughs) So when you say deep sea fishing, that's not you ... That's, like, that's with a ... That's off the back of a boat? Yeah. Right. On a big s- kind of wooden, a Spanish wooden boat thing with a full crew and this, that, and the other. And anyway, yeah, the, um, the crew's circling around in a, a speedboat and you're cutting in between and after you've done stuff. So I got really bored. Like, the conversation I had with her was about as dull as it could've been, and I'd already known that I'd make a- made a mistake. So I was like, "Right, fuck it." This was the final day before Freshers' week, right? So Freshers' week for me was beginning the next day, which is just the beginning of me being very, very slowly fisted (laughs) by 8,000 students. And I was like, "Right, I am going to fucking enjoy this one-day holiday (laughs) in Tenerife no matter what." So I was just on the boat and was so bored that ... Took my top off, took my shorts off, jumped in the sea. Guys who were on the boat going around filming shit themselves and started getting on the radio saying, "Get him back in the boat," because they didn't have public liability insurance for me to be in the sea. I was only allowed to be on the boat- Wait, you were naked as well? No, pants. Okay. Um, so, anyway, that happened. Um, yeah, and then you're cutting backwards and forwards. So anyway, we had ... I basically hadn't had any food all day, and it got to the evening time and it was running quite late and I was quite hungry, and I said, "Oh, can I get a case of Desperados, please?" And he said yes. A case? Like four, a case of four. Oh, right, okay. And they're like, "Yeah, yeah, you can get a case." Like, so I got four Desperados and I'm sat, and I was ready in five minutes. Still had the huge hair so I didn't even have to do my hair. And I'm sat, like, just sipping these Desperados, and you're allowed on your phone and stuff like that, so I'd had my phone out texting my mates, "Hey, when take me out?" And, um, one beer down, two beers down, three beers down, I'm like, "Fucking hell, where's this bird?" And she was taking ages to get ready. So by the time I'd finished four Desperados, I'm like ... And I had barely eaten that day as well. (laughs) I'm incredibly merry and feeling lucid, to say the least. And I'm like, "Right, okay, so we're gonna have this ..." First off, it was gonna be a dinner on a rooftop. It ended up being a glass of champagne on the top of someone's garage. (laughs) Why? Because the first location that they tried to use, they couldn't get hold of, and then the sun was going down because she'd taken so long to get ready. (laughs) And blah, blah, blah, blah. So- So there's no makeup? There's no, like- She does her own. (laughs) But did you have makeup? No. Interesting. You don't have makeup on most reality TV shows. Oh, right. Okay. Anyway, so we were there, and they'd brought out this bottle of Fernando's champagne.... popped it on the middle of the table and they were like, "There you go." By the time that she'd had one glass, I'd finished the remainder of the bottle. They brought out another one and I did the same thing again.

    16. YF

      Oh, my god.

    17. CW

      So by this time, I'm fucked. Like, there's a ... It cuts to a scene of me talking into the camera and my eyes are all bleary and red 'cause obviously you have n- no idea what's going on.

    18. YF

      (laughs)

    19. CW

      Leathered.

    20. YF

      (laughs)

    21. CW

      Absolutely battered by this stage and I was like, and they'd start talking to you about all of your bits. And you know that all of your, all of the people that you're with are also on dates. So you're, "Oh, I wonder how such and such is getting on, and I wonder how this is going on," blah, blah, blah. And, um, yeah, there was definitely a residual feeling of bitterness that I could have chosen any girl that was even civil.

    22. Mm-hmm.

    23. But she didn't. She ... the one that I chose was barely even that. And I was like, "Oh, God."

    24. So you were like, "I'm gonna enjoy the holiday, I'm just gonna get leathered, I don't care."

    25. Yeah. Fuck it.

    26. YF

      She wasn't even-

    27. CW

      Yeah.

    28. YF

      ... like, chatting to you or speaking to you. It was just-

    29. CW

      Barely at all. Like, it was like getting ... I said my, one of the things that didn't make the edit is probably one of the best lines I've ever said in my life.

    30. Mm-hmm.

  13. 44:03 – 50:54

    The night out spiral: ITV2 chaos, ‘Arsehole Chris mode,’ and the motorway blackout

    1. CW

      And I'm there, like, still swigging on the r- dregs of this champagne. So anyway, you drive back and you go and meet the guys and then what happens from there is you go to Taking Out The Gossip, which used to be hosted by Mark Wright and someone else. And basically, they're, they're trying to get you to either shag or fight whoever it is that you're with. And I was like, "I have no interest in doing either."

    2. YF

      Mm-mm.

    3. CW

      "At all."

    4. YF

      "I just want to be away from her and-"

    5. CW

      "I just want to be with my mates." 'Cause I had two buddies that were there and we'd connected with this poor guy who sheared a sheep and I'm like, "Look, I'm just good to chill out with the boys." And obviously they kind of had ... 'cause they were getting on with their girls, they kind of had that in the back of their minds a bit. But, so yeah, you ki- it's, uh, oddly quite a nicely community-based thing towards the end. And you kind of get back together and especially if you've had a bit of an awkward date or whatever, you're like, "Fuck, some respite." Um, so you go out on the nighttime and this is where the police story begins, to one-

    6. YF

      (laughs)

    7. CW

      ... degree or another. So, I can't believe I've never told you this before.

    8. YF

      No.

    9. CW

      Before we do the police story, did this girl just not take a liking to you specifically? Or do you think it wasn't personal, it was just, like, it was just a temperament-

    10. I think it was a combina- so it was a combination of things. First off, she wasn't ... she wasn't making a massive effort. And she used this line of, "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen." And I was like, "No, like just ..." Even back then, even 10 years ago, ish, s- six years, seven years ago, I had in the back of my mind, "You should just be being yourself."

    11. Mm-hmm.

    12. "Like, you should just be being truthful and virtuous 'cause that's the best way to operate." And it came across, she came across terribly on TV and-

    13. Anyone I've heard who spouts the "treat 'em mean" line is a fundamental dick. Like, just that-

    14. Just a mani- just a manipulative cow, right? It's like ...

    15. Well, 'cause it, it, it's the same kind of people that think they're really sassy and, and it's like, no, no, you're, you're just a twat.

    16. Just a knob. Yeah. So it went down really badly. She deleted her, uh, Twitter account because she got a little bit of ... she got slated-

    17. Oh.

    18. ... a little bit because of the way that she'd gone on. Anyway, so went on the date, went on the night out. Later on in the evening, they want you to have sex or fight with the person you're with. And I'm like, "Not bothered." They give you a €50 allowance and they basically put you in a bar and they'll allow it to be as natural as possible, and it kind of is. Also, what's really funny is to see the difference between the crew and the kit that ITV have and the crew and the kit that ITV2 have. (laughs)

    19. YF

      (laughs)

    20. CW

      (laughs) It's like going from the most polished, like, there's a security guy and there's a huge van and this, that, and the other, and it's just some dude with, like, a- his iPhone out.

    21. YF

      (laughs)

    22. CW

      (laughs) Just hoping to, desperately hoping to catch, like, picking up change off the floor trying ...

    23. You, you can tell with the production quality as well, when you, like, when you see those, like, after-

    24. Yeah.

    25. ... after the show programs.

    26. It's just, it's complete trying to dredge up any of the last-

    27. So that guy's got £15 budget, so-

    28. ... remaining viewers. Yeah. See what

    29. YF

      I've gotta go plug my phone in over there for a bit.

    30. CW

      (laughs)

  14. 50:54 – 1:05:47

    Police arrival explained: Guardia Civil rescue, brutal travel home, and reality TV takeaways

    1. CW

      So, um, and my head's absolutely killing me at this point. And I knew because of the tight production schedule, I knew that my flight was at 10:30. So I was like, "Right, I have now two and a half hours to get from wherever I am to wherever the fuck I'm supposed to be and then to the airport." No idea. So anyway, walking down the side of the motorway again, 'cause I'm just on this motorway. And the Guardia Civil pull up, which is like the military Spanish police. So the Guardia Civil pull up like, "Hola, my friend! You okay?" And I'm like, "Mate, you're not Paddy McGuinness. Like, you really fucked me over."

    2. JF

      (laughs)

    3. CW

      And, uh, they, they-

    4. "I've been on this terrible date with this boring person."

    5. Yeah. "This boring girl, honestly." And they took me back to the hotel, and they were like-

    6. JF

      The armed police did?

    7. CW

      Basically, the Guardia Civil took me ... well, th- they were the taxi people home.

    8. JF

      So the army took you home?

    9. CW

      Took me home from my date on Take Me Out. The army took me home from my date on Take Me Out, yeah.

    10. JF

      (sighs)

    11. CW

      How does she know about that? Or how did she know nothing about this?

    12. 'Cause I told everyone the story as soon as I got back to the hotel. And then you-

    13. Including her?

    14. You fly back as a group of couples.

    15. JF

      Uh-

    16. CW

      So you all fly back together. So what they'd thought was when they ... when the film crew got back to the hotel, "Where's Chris? Chris isn't in his room. Brilliant. Must be with his bird. Wasn't with his bird. Fuck, where's Chris?"

    17. JF

      "He must be with the army."

    18. CW

      "He must be with the army." Yeah, exactly. (laughs)

    19. JF

      That's, that's where you were?

    20. CW

      "He must be on the central reservation of Tenerife's largest motorway."

    21. JF

      "It's all right. The army will get him."

    22. CW

      Why ... (laughs) They all ... this happens all the time.

    23. JF

      (laughs)

    24. CW

      (laughs) So-

    25. JF

      Man.

    26. CW

      ... they came and collected me, took me back to the t-

    27. JF

      (clears throat)

    28. CW

      ... drove me up to the hotel, and I was just like, looked at the, looked at my watch. I was like, it's like 9:00 or something. Don't know what I'm supposed to do. I was fucked. So just head in the pillow. Ten minutes later, big bang on the door, and I opened it, and someone, little runner was in front of me and, "Shh, we've got him. He's here. He's here." Obviously, they'd been running around trying to find me and had just thought as a last ditch attempt, "We'll just knock on the door and see if he's there." Got me, bundled all my stuff into the taxi, had to run, like the worst hangover ever. You know when you've had like two hours sleep and you were blind drunk?

    29. JF

      (clears throat) Mm.

    30. CW

      Everything hurts. Everything's terrible. You're just tired and ratty.

Episode duration: 1:05:47

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