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Why Do People Lie About Their Relationships? - Daniel Sloss

Daniel Sloss is a comedian with two Netflix Specials; Dark and Jigsaw. Before he played his sold out show in Newcastle I got to sit down with the most handsome Scottish comedian since Frankie Boyle to talk all things relationships, and some other stuff. Expect to learn strategies to break up with a partner, mine & Daniel's shared achilles heel, why you should shave your anus and how to slide into Mrs Sloss's DMs. Massive thanks to https://www.tynesidelettings.com for letting us record in their lovely flat, check them out if you're looking for accommodation in Newcastle! Extra Stuff: Follow Daniel Online - https://twitter.com/Daniel_Sloss Daniel's Website & upcoming shows - https://danielsloss.com/ Fancy A Cry? Dogs Welcome Home Soldiers - https://youtu.be/RKBcs9tNWg8 Dogs Welcome Home Soldiers #2 - https://youtu.be/d6kjZXwdyJs People Hearing For The First Time - https://youtu.be/yZ6vSn7PaPI Kids Surprising Parents With Adoption Papers - https://youtu.be/ZJXx0mNCFgg - Video & production by Dean Hindmarch https://www.deanhindmarch.com/ https://www.instagram.com/deanhindmarch - Listen to all episodes online. Search "Modern Wisdom" on any Podcast App or click here: iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/modern-wisdom/id1347973549 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0XrOqvxlqQI6bmdYHuIVnr?si=iUpczE97SJqe1kNdYBipnw Stitcher: https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/modern-wisdom - I want to hear from you!! Get in touch in the comments below or head to... Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Email: modernwisdompodcast@gmail.com

Chris WilliamsonhostDaniel Slossguest
Feb 4, 201949mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 15:00

    (wind blowing) Ladies and gentlemen,…

    1. CW

      (wind blowing) Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Sloss.

    2. DS

      Hey. It's me.

    3. CW

      They've let you over the border from Scotland into England.

    4. DS

      I know. Well, I mean, is Newcastle really England?

    5. CW

      I'm not sure.

    6. DS

      'Cause like my support act and best friend over the years here, clam, 'cause he's from, eh, Newcastle and it's just ... There's always ... There's a genuine affiliation between the Geordies and the Scot's where we're just like-

    7. CW

      Kind of.

    8. DS

      Yeah. I mean, you're all, you're pretty much scot- 'cause we're ... Like you hit the south as much as we do. (laughs)

    9. CW

      Absolutely.

    10. DS

      Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

    11. CW

      And anything that's below Leeds is southern.

    12. DS

      Yeah. Yeah. Southern softies.

    13. CW

      Exactly.

    14. DS

      Yeah.

    15. CW

      Agreed. What's super interesting, when I speak to Americans, they don't know that there is an actual wall between Scotland and England.

    16. DS

      Yes.

    17. CW

      So they don't know that Hadrian's Wall is a thing.

    18. DS

      Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

    19. CW

      They're like, "You watch Game of Thrones right?" "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."

    20. DS

      Yeah. Yeah.

    21. CW

      "The, you know the wall, like, that actually exists. It's a bit smaller and it's kind of ruins."

    22. DS

      Much smaller. Yeah. Yeah.

    23. CW

      "But it's actually there." "No way, man."

    24. DS

      There's two, eh, that, and the, uh, Antonine Wall as well.

    25. CW

      That's a man who knows his background. So when I sometimes have to do my research for guests-

    26. DS

      Yeah.

    27. CW

      ... I interview a guy who understands the, the foremost intellect on alien civilizations. And I'll be like, "Oh, bloody hell, I'm gonna have to sink my teeth into this."

    28. DS

      Die.

    29. CW

      The research for yourself was watching your Netflix specials.

    30. DS

      Great fun.

  2. 15:00 – 30:00

    I was, I was…

    1. DS

      a grandchild from your other kids, I don't care. I've, I don't owe you anything. (laughs)

    2. CW

      I was, I was at my business partner's wedding a few years ago, him and his missus have been together since they were 20, they are the exact opposite, the polar opposite of my situation.

    3. DS

      Mm-hmm.

    4. CW

      Just about to have their second child and they've got two dogs and it is like the white picket fence, the British-

    5. DS

      Ah, yes.

    6. CW

      ... white picket fence equivalent. I'm at his wedding and we've been there for the weekend, it's been beautiful and everything's amazing and the family's got on and the service was fantastic and this, that and the other. As I'm driving away I can see his mum and a couple of her family members just looking at me as I drove past. And I could just see in their eyes they were thinking, "You're next." And I wound the window down and I was like, "Won't be soon." (laughs)

    7. DS

      (laughs)

    8. CW

      And just drove off. And I'm like, there are, there are different paths in love life for different people.

    9. DS

      Mm-hmm. Like, and, uh, yeah. I, so some of us, don't get me wrong, I, this ... I'm an absolute romantic. Like I, I wanna, I wanna be a dad more than anything in the world, I really, really do. And I wanna get married, I wanna have kids and I want that. I just don't think I have to do it before I'm 30 and I don't think ... I think I'm not looking for it at all. Like, I'm thoroughly enjoying, you know, 'cause I'm not being in a relationship and not being a dad means I can be selfish as shit at the moment.

    10. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    11. DS

      I can travel as much as I travel for my job, I can really focus on ... And one day that will change. One day some goddamn woman is going to come in my life and just be perfect and I'm gonna go, "You motherfucker."

    12. CW

      (laughs)

    13. DS

      "Goddamn it."

    14. CW

      "I didn't realize that I was writing all of these routines, and it was you-"

    15. DS

      Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh-

    16. CW

      "... that's gonna come in."

    17. DS

      And the, and the fucking hypocrisy-

    18. CW

      Oh man, yeah, yeah, yeah.

    19. DS

      ... that's ... Come on. See when I get into a fucking relationship, my fans are gonna be like, "You fucking what?"

    20. CW

      Yeah.

    21. DS

      And I'm like, "I know-"

    22. CW

      Yeah.

    23. DS

      "... I'm sorry. She made me fall in love with her."

    24. CW

      (laughs)

    25. DS

      "I'm one of ... I didn't mean to ..." Blame her. Look at her with her fucking perfect little laugh that for some reason makes me feel warm inside, all that. Yeah, I'm gonna be a hypocrite. I'm gonna be an absolute hypocrite. But no, but I also won't be, because I ne- I'm not against relationships, I'm against fake relationships. And the more fake relationships that exist you are ... It's, it's, it's a disease. Like, 'cause you'll sit there and go, "I'm so happy. I'm so happy in this relationship." And you're not, but you'll lie to your friends that are single and go, "I'm so happy with Jonathan." Or, "I'm so happy with Claire." And they'll go, "Fucking hell, they get through it. They hate each other and they get through it."

    26. CW

      Yeah.

    27. DS

      "You ... That's what we must, must do." And you sat, you just go, "Fucky, I this person, I'll change who I am." You know, everyone says it takes work. Why? Why does it have to take work? Like, if you've got kids, absolutely. Like, if it's ... But when you're just starting out, like, man, if I had a r- This, uh, this might sound insane and that's because I am. If I, if, if I'm in a relationship and we have one argument in that first year, bye. (claps)

    28. CW

      Yep.

    29. DS

      Like, uh, like, uh ... And oh, we can have disagreements, like-

    30. CW

      Yeah.

  3. 30:00 – 45:00

    World just comes crashing…

    1. DS

      men that are like six foot five, look like they used to be in prison, heavily tattooed, b- and this sm- like this 13-year-old girl goes, "You're my dad now?" And he breaks down.

    2. CW

      World just comes crashing down.

    3. DS

      Oh man, it destroys me. I love it. So good.

    4. CW

      Uh, links to everything will be in the show notes below if you want to have a nice cry at some point soon.

    5. DS

      Oh do it. It's like I always- I do try for so many years, I repressed it so much of like not letting s- It's like bleeding a radiator.

    6. CW

      You're like a fucking-

    7. DS

      Like-

    8. CW

      ... empathy junkie now, aren't you?

    9. DS

      Yeah. Oh, man, it's just like skydiving. Just be like, "What else can we fucking cry."

    10. CW

      (laughs) Give me, give me another line of dogs meeting their owners, yeah.

    11. DS

      I've, I've never been on a plane and not watched The Blind Side and sobbed.

    12. CW

      (laughs)

    13. DS

      My ... For any international flight, I'm like, "If fucking Blind Side is on this, I'm, I'm Sandra Bullock. Look, um, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a very upper w- upper class, wealthy woman and I want to, uh, adopt and save a Black child, uh, to play American football," which is a sport I have no interest in. (laughs)

    14. CW

      (laughs)

    15. DS

      I love it, but I get ... I, oh man, I love crying now.

    16. CW

      I think, uh, you know, there may be some people out there who can, uh, empathize with our empathy. And one of the-

    17. DS

      God, they're weak.

    18. CW

      Oh, yeah. (laughs)

    19. DS

      (laughs)

    20. CW

      (laughs)

    21. DS

      Much stuck to me there, just yeah, yeah.

    22. CW

      Fucking hell.

    23. DS

      If you're more empathetic than I am.

    24. CW

      Wow. I know, um, one of the problems that, that, that occurs off the back of that is being able to break up with someone. You alluded to it earlier on where you said that you were terrified that you were just gonna end somebody's world.

    25. DS

      Mm-hmm.

    26. CW

      And the understanding the reality that other people will be fine, they're gonna be okay.

    27. DS

      Yeah. Oh, they'll be sad, but ... And that's because breakups are always sad.

    28. CW

      Yeah.

    29. DS

      They just are. Even if it's a bad relationship, that person was part of your life and they were the big, big part of your life, and they're not. And you're losing. When you lose, when you break up with someone, you're losing a part of yourself there, you know. It, it, it's just always gonna be sad. Like even if you've been with someone for fucking three months, they were a great three months, or they were ... But you spent so much time thinking about it, it's the closing of a chapter. Like-

    30. CW

      And there's a, there's a recency bias as well, right? That it's difficult to remember what life was like before someone. You can be with someone for, you know, three to six months.

  4. 45:00 – 49:46

    (laughs) …

    1. DS

      fuck, he sucked. I hate him. I was so annoyed.

    2. CW

      (laughs)

    3. DS

      And I ... and in hindsight, I know he was ... to everything he was doing, he was just trying to get my atten- And my parents said this to me all the time. They were like, "He's just trying to annoy you as- because it's the only time you ever pay him attention."

    4. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    5. DS

      "He doesn't care if you're yelling at him or being mean to him. You're his older brother, and he loves you, and he wants you to pay attention to him, even if it's yelling."

    6. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    7. DS

      "So just be nice to him, and he'll not annoy you." And I would go, "La, la, la, la, la, la, la. I'm 13, I know much fucking better." Um, but he was a g- he was an evil little fucking genius, man. To this day, my mother doesn't believe this story, and I fucking swear to God it's true.

    8. CW

      (laughs)

    9. DS

      Matthew used to carry round, uh, a bucket full of dummies, right? He loved- loved his dummies. Like, he called them me's. Couldn't say dummy, uh, whether ... you know, he just couldn't say ... he- he called them his me's, and he had this bucket full of me's. And he would just walk around like a f- you know, and he would ... every minute he would change it to a Thomas the Tank Engine one, to a Peppa Pig, to fucking whatever. He'd have this bucket full of me's. One day, I'm sat down, uh, watching TV, and he- he walks into the room, just his fucking big, fat tod- toddler ba- belly hanging out. I think he's two and a half at this point. And he sees me, and I'm like, "Here we fucking go." Like, uh, like, he's gonna do something to annoy me, and I'm gonna push him over because I'm a horrible big brother. (laughs)

    10. CW

      (laughs)

    11. DS

      And he comes up to me, and he takes his- he takes his dummy out of his mouth, and he hands it to me. And I'm ... you know, and my mom and dad have always been like, "Could you be nicer to your brother?" And I was like, "Oh, okay. He- that's something nice."

    12. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    13. DS

      "I'll positively reinforce this behavior." So he gave me the dummy. I was like, "Thank you very much, Matthew. That's very, very kind of you." And I go back to watching TV, and he stands there for like two minutes just calculating, right? And I know you'd be like, "Two-year-old can't calculate." He fucking calculated, man.

    14. CW

      (laughs)

    15. DS

      He saw all the cogs just thinking, thinking. And then he gave me the full bucket of all the other dummies, and I was like, "Thank you, Matthew. This is very, very kind of you." And then he took in a huge inhaler breath and screamed the fucking house down.

    16. CW

      (laughs)

    17. DS

      My mom comes in to me holding his dummy and his buckets of dummies-

    18. CW

      (laughs)

    19. DS

      ... while he's fucking crying, right? And she's like, "Why did you do ... " I'm like, "I t- he gave them to me."

    20. CW

      (laughs)

    21. DS

      She's like, "Why is he crying then?" And I'm like, "You fucking little shit."

    22. CW

      (laughs)

    23. DS

      Um, and she still doesn't believe that. I swear to God that is true. He's a hor- ... I love him though. I mean, I loved him then. But yeah. Yeah, that was-

    24. CW

      Labor of love.

    25. DS

      Yeah, yeah. That was my- that was ... yeah. So I've wr- started writing comics, um, on it. I was- I was terrible at drawing. I just ... I liked doing anything to make my parents laugh when I was young. When I was more-

    26. CW

      Mm-hmm. What's the pregnant washing machine? Or the- the- the-

    27. DS

      Uh-

    28. CW

      ... pregnant washing up story?

    29. DS

      So when, uh, my mother was pregnant with, uh, I think it was Jack. It was either Jack or Matthew. This is my father's third or fourth child at this point, right? So my mom's eight months pregnant and, uh, she- she doesn't fucking snap. My dad's e- my dad's l- not maliciously lazy. He's just sometimes f- forgetful or just a bit like ... he- he works all day when he comes home, he doesn't want to necessarily, you know, do something. But he's got no legs to stand on 'cause my mom works all day and still does chores around the fucking house, so she's in the right. And she's also pregnant at this point in her life. So she sort of goes to my dad and she's like, "Can you just be a bit more useful? I know you're, you know, just be a bit ..." I'm fucking pregnant. There's some stuff I physically can no longer do anymore. Like I fu- like ...

    30. CW

      Eight months pregnant is like y- You're like a globe.

Episode duration: 49:46

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