Daniel Sloss | My Sister Taught Me About Love, Grief & Jokes

1. 0:00 – 0:23

   Using comedy to process sudden loss: David’s first set about his mom

   1. DJDavid McIntosh Jr0:00

      Dude, uh, at the age of 21, my mom passed away suddenly, and didn't have, like, access to, uh, therapy, couldn't afford it.

   2. DSDaniel Sloss0:07

      Mm.

   3. DJDavid McIntosh Jr0:07

      So I did a comedy class.

   4. DSDaniel Sloss0:08

      Oh, yeah?

   5. DJDavid McIntosh Jr0:09

      And, like, my whole first five minutes was making a mockery of seeing my mom pass away. But, like, putting those sets of glasses on and being able to, like, unwind some of the moments and making, like, light out of them-

   6. DSDaniel Sloss0:19

      Yeah

   7. DJDavid McIntosh Jr0:20

      ... made it so much easier for me to, like, process it and, like, accept it.

   8. DSDaniel Sloss0:23

      Yes.

2. 0:23 – 0:37

   Family laughter vs. outsider discomfort: his sister’s reaction

   1. DJDavid McIntosh Jr0:23

      And then my sister came along to my first show, and she was able to laugh along and, like, everyone was kind of like tepid around me, all my friends and stuff like that.

   2. DSDaniel Sloss0:30

      Yeah.

   3. DJDavid McIntosh Jr0:30

      But she was fucking howling.

   4. DSDaniel Sloss0:31

      Yeah.

   5. DJDavid McIntosh Jr0:31

      Uh, and, and even to this day, anything we mention our, our mom is usually a fucking ripper of a joke.

3. 0:37 – 1:08

   Who gets to grieve “correctly”? Daniel on grief policing

   1. DSDaniel Sloss0:37

      Yeah. I mean, it's got ... You know, it's, it's, it's got ... Some people just don't understand that, and I, you know, I, I, I get that. I don't wanna fucking ... I don't wanna police how anyone grieves.

   2. DJDavid McIntosh Jr0:47

      Mm.

   3. DSDaniel Sloss0:47

      But I find the people who don't grieve in the way that we grieve, which is making jokes about it, they do tend to police grief. Like, they're the ones being like, "Oh, you can't have loved this person in your life if you are making fun of them." And it's like, well, fucking, you're not honoring the memory of your dead cunt. Like-

   4. DJDavid McIntosh Jr1:08

      [laughs] Dead cunt

4. 1:08 – 1:28

   The cost of constant sadness: what memory do you leave behind?

   1. DSDaniel Sloss1:08

      ... you know, if you ... Like, if you, if you're fucking sad all the time over whoever the fucking dead fuck is in your life-

   2. DJDavid McIntosh Jr1:13

      [laughs]

   3. DSDaniel Sloss1:13

      ... then congratulations. The only memory you've created, the only lasting memory that you've made of people that never met this person, is that they were joyless. You know? That you ... Oh, they, oh, this dead person would've liked you making fun of them. Well, I'm glad they're dead then.

   4. DJDavid McIntosh Jr1:27

      [laughs]

5. 1:28 – 1:44

   Conan, Will Arnett, and joking through bereavement

   1. DSDaniel Sloss1:28

      They don't sound like a fun fucking person, realize. You know? Uh, if you ... You know, you know, you've probably seen it, but the fucking, the great clip of, uh, Will Arnett and Conan O'Brien talking about when Conan's parents died. You've not seen this clip?

   2. DJDavid McIntosh Jr1:42

      It resurfaced recently, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

6. 1:44 – 2:17

   The void never disappears: changing death’s power over you

   1. DSDaniel Sloss1:44

      Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Conan's mom and dad died really close together, and, uh, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman are just texting Conan, making really horrible fucking jokes about it. And Conan says in that when people are going, "Oh," he's like, "My dad would've loved this." And I think that is really ... Death fucking sucks. The absence of someone you love will never, ever be fixed. It will never be fucking filled. You'll never get rid of that fucking void. Um, all you can do is

7. 2:17 – 3:18

   Two coping styles at home: his dad’s compartmentalization vs. his mom’s immersion

   1. DSDaniel Sloss2:17

      change the power that death has over you, of, like, feeling good whenever you think of that person. Instead of thinking about the fucking tragic loss, that you'll never ... you know, you'll never get to hug them again, you'll never get to hear their voice again, you'll never get to get their advice again. But if you can, when thinking of them, think of all the fucking things that made you laugh, then great. Then that, that's a really good thing. I remember, you know, after my sister died, my dad very much, you know, I would say for at least two decades, just cr- his, his way of dealing with it was like, not necessarily close himself off, but if you were to ask my dad what day my sister died, he wouldn't be able to tell you. Because he's just c- he would c- compartmentalize it, put it somewhere else, didn't wanna fucking think about it. My mom, I remember coming back from school, and she would just be ironing and watching, like, VHSs of my sister, and just sobbing the whole fucking time. And I remember being like, "Surely that's not good. Surely you can't be enjoying this." And my mom's thing was like, "This is ... I love this.

8. 3:18 – 3:56

   Valuing the feeling: grief as proof of love

   1. DSDaniel Sloss3:18

      Like, the fact that I'm still this sad, this, the fact that, like, this still makes me feel that way means I still love her-

   2. DJDavid McIntosh Jr3:25

      Mm

   3. DSDaniel Sloss3:25

      ... as much as I always loved her." And she loved ... She was like, "I'd never, ever, ever want to lose that feeling." And I was like, oh, that seems way more powerful and way smarter than ... I mean, look, the next time somebody dies in my life, I guarantee I'll go my dad's way. You know? When either of my parents die, I'll become a fucking shell of myself. Um, and it will take my friends, you know, making really horrific jokes about how they died to get me fucking out of it. But, yeah.

9. 3:56 – 4:12

   Jimmy Carr’s framing: grief, love, and saying the name

   1. DJDavid McIntosh Jr3:56

      I had a moment with Jimmy Carr on the podcast, and he taught me a lot about, like, young grief. And he says, "Grief is the price we pay for love. People die twice. The first time they die, and the second time th- that people stop saying their name."

   2. DSDaniel Sloss4:06

      Yes.

   3. DJDavid McIntosh Jr4:06

      I fucking love that as a bit. And, like, you s- seems like your mom was just, like, keeping her alive-

   4. DSDaniel Sloss4:10

      Yes

   5. DJDavid McIntosh Jr4:10

      ... by watching it.

   6. DSDaniel Sloss4:11

      Yeah.

   7. DJDavid McIntosh Jr4:12

      Sweet man.

10. 4:12 – 4:43

    Long time horizons: envy of “purer” grief and becoming a parent

    1. DSDaniel Sloss4:12

       Yeah, yeah. And just, you know, I ... This ... It's really, really hard to think about the, uh, people we've lost. And also she's ... You know, my sister died, Chris, how old am I? 35. 29, 28 years ago. You know, I wish I still had the ... You know, I'm sort of envious of the grief that my mom has in a way. You know, she remembers my sister in a much purer way, um, than I did. And also, like, now that I'm a dad myself, I ca- the respect I have for my parents. I think, like, parents

11. 4:43 – 5:06

    Parents losing a child: strain, divorce rates, and his parents’ strength

    1. DSDaniel Sloss4:43

       who lose kids, I think the divorce rate is over 50%, because, like, it's such ... It's, it's the worst thing in the world is to, you know, to outlive your kids. Um, my parents, I ... You know, it only ever made them stronger. Uh, and, you know, I've got such admiration for them for being, you know ... Uh, sort of leading by example and not letting it tear them apart.

Episode duration: 5:06