#1 Communication Expert: "If Someone Says THIS, They’re Trying to Control You!" – Protect Your Peace

1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:00

   In your view, what are some of the common things that get in the way of people communicating effectively?

2. JFJefferson Fisher0:08

   Hmm. [chuckles] Lots. The number one would be they assume that what is said is what was received in that instance. So if I were to tell you something, and we've felt this in, uh, relationships, we've felt this at work, you send a message, and they hear and they feel something very different. Maybe in an email you wrote something, and all of a sudden they go, "Why are you mad at me?" You go, "I'm not mad." Or you're talking and somebody says, "Why are you yelling?" You go, "I'm not yelling," or, "I, I'm not upset." And so we feel these instances where what we thought we said is not is what is received on the other end, so there's that kind of miscommunication. Now, there's also just the difficultness of being open and receptive in the moment, or we don't want to listen, so we're the ones not willing to receive anything. We're the ones that are getting defensive. And on top of that, we often feel that conversation, especially disagreements, instantly become a competition wh- where we want to win.

3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:10

   Mm.

4. JFJefferson Fisher1:10

   We want to dominate, we want to compete, and those are recipes for a bad conversation real quick.

5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:16

   Yeah. You know, it's interesting, the last couple of days I've gone deep into all of your online content and your wonderful new book-

6. JFJefferson Fisher1:24

   Nice

7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:24

   ... and you've got great information to share. But it's not just what you're sharing, it's how you're sharing it.

8. JFJefferson Fisher1:32

   Mm.

9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:32

   There's a, there's a calmness, there's a friendliness.

10. JFJefferson Fisher1:36

    Mm.

11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:36

    And I think, going back to what you said about what are the obstacles to good communication, basically what you're hearing is the tip of the iceberg.

12. JFJefferson Fisher1:45

    Yeah.

13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:45

    There's something going on beneath that.

14. JFJefferson Fisher1:47

    Yes. The person you see is often not the person you're talking to, meaning I'm, I'm talking to you right here, but I don't know the struggles you're having. I don't know if you had a, a difficult time this morning with the wife or the kids or anybody, and that's the same for anybody we meet. And how we talk to them in that moment, how we hear them in that moment often is a reflection of a lot of other influences rather than just saying, "How dare they say that to me?" without ever questioning-

15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:19

    Mm

16. JFJefferson Fisher2:19

    ... why would they say that? Where is this coming from? There's always a surface and a depth to anybody.

17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:24

    Yeah. Your personal story deeply fascinates me, so I wonder if you could tell me about eight-year-old Jefferson-

18. JFJefferson Fisher2:35

    Yeah

19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:35

    ... and that weekend when you fell asleep with beef biltong-

20. JFJefferson Fisher2:40

    Oh [laughs]

21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:40

    ... in your hands.

22. JFJefferson Fisher2:41

    Yeah. Uh, so I am a fifth-generation trial attorney, and I'm talking my great-grandfather was a federal judge. His father was an attorney. Grandfather was a DA, county attorney. Dad's an attorney. I have cousins, great uncles, cousins, you name it, trial attorneys. I w- I mean, there are people I know that have lots of doctors in their family. There's not a doctor in our family.

23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:05

    [laughs]

24. JFJefferson Fisher3:05

    There's nobody... I mean, we can't, we couldn't build a shed to help our lives.

25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:10

    [laughs]

26. JFJefferson Fisher3:10

    You know what I mean? So all, all we do is know how to blow hot air. And, um-

27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:16

    [laughs]

28. JFJefferson Fisher3:16

    Yeah, so that's... I, I grew up in that kind of lifestyle. So every year we'd, we'd go on a trip, and I was the oldest of my generation, so I was the first great-grandson of the, the judge. And of course, when you're there it's, you don't be talking. Don't... It is still the, the men's retreat here, so it was much better if I was just quiet, which I had no problem. I was just-

29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:42

    It's the first one you'd been invited to.

30. JFJefferson Fisher3:43

    Yeah, it was the first one I was invited to, and I thought I was on top of the world. I mean, I thought I was so big. I thought I was so grown. It was about a seven-and-a-half-hour car ride with my dad, which that in and of itself was the most alone time I'd ever had with my dad.

Episode duration: 2:01:32