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Dr Rangan ChatterjeeDr Rangan Chatterjee

MINDSET EXPERT Explains How To Manifest The FUTUTE YOU WANT! | Peter Crone

Today, I welcome Peter Crone, aka ‘The Mind Architect’ back to the podcast. Peter is a writer, speaker and thought leader in human potential.

Peter CroneguestDr. Rangan Chatterjeehost
Jul 16, 20201h 28mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

  1. 0:00 – 3:35

    Why Dissolving Problems Beats Solving Them

    1. PC

      The way that people currently live is they look for solutions and strategies for the most part to problems, which is very logical, right? If I have a weight problem or if I have a relationship problem or I have a finance problem, I wanna find solutions to my problems. And as far as I'm concerned, that's a very archaic method of trying to find relief because what you're actually doing is reinforcing the belief that you have a problem. [upbeat music]

    2. RC

      So Peter [laughs]

    3. PC

      [laughs]

    4. RC

      Welcome back-

    5. PC

      Yes

    6. RC

      ... to the podcast.

    7. PC

      Thank you. Take two, the sequel.

    8. RC

      Take two, the sequel.

    9. PC

      [laughs]

    10. RC

      Yeah. It's, um, I've not had that many repeat guests actually. I think only, maybe only Rich Roll so far.

    11. PC

      Really?

    12. RC

      So you, you are, you may well be the second guest, depending on when this comes out.

    13. PC

      Yes.

    14. RC

      Who's come back.

    15. PC

      I take that as a great compliment, thank you.

    16. RC

      Well, you should do actually because the episode we did together-

    17. PC

      Yeah

    18. RC

      ... the last one-

    19. PC

      Yeah

    20. RC

      ... is probably one of my most shared episodes ever.

    21. PC

      Wonderful.

    22. RC

      Now, it's really interesting. I, I'm, I'm very lucky, a lot of people listen to the podcast each week.

    23. PC

      Yeah.

    24. RC

      But there are some episodes-

    25. PC

      Mm-hmm

    26. RC

      ... that really strike a chord with people and you see it being shared for weeks and months afterwards, and your episode with me certainly is one of those.

    27. PC

      Okay, wonderful.

    28. RC

      And so I look at that, I think, "Well, why is it that an episode like that-

    29. PC

      Yeah

    30. RC

      ... makes people wanna share it and say things like, 'I really understand my life now. I understand-

  2. 3:35 – 5:17

    Redefining Freedom and Childhood Conditioning

    1. RC

      And I think that, that term freedom, which is what you offer people, is something-

    2. PC

      Yeah

    3. RC

      ... we should definitely redefine a little bit at the start of this conversation.

    4. PC

      Okay, sure. Yeah.

    5. RC

      Um, you know, a lot of people will be listening thinking, "Yeah, I mean, you're talking about freedom, but I am free."

    6. PC

      Yeah, exactly. [laughs]

    7. RC

      "I'm free in my life, so how can you offer me freedom?"

    8. PC

      Yeah. No, it's a great question, and a lot of people do feel that, and I don't wanna take that away from them. The sort of freedom I'm talking about is freedom from suffering, freedom from the limitations, constraints of our subconscious, which again, I'm gonna assert everybody has. It's just part of this dimension of Planet Earth and being here as a human being. We're gonna have our own perceived limitations and constraints. So the freedom I speak of is more like a spiritual freedom. It is awakening to the true essence of who we are beyond the facade of our sort of human persona. So every problem anybody has, as far as I'm concerned, belongs to the idea of themselves. So over time, you know, and we'll get into this I'm sure today, through the conditions of our childhood and these caregivers from our moms and dads, who aren't bad people, they're doing the best they can, but we're gonna be triggered into we're not enough and we did something wrong or we're bad and we're failures. All of these things that we have to experience on our journey. Then what happens is what was for a child pure possibility of being alive s- sort of became increasingly less possibility, and that then becomes resignation and cynicism and struggle and depression, and then that leads to the, the myriad of different methods we use to seek, you know, relief from depression or suffering. And so freedom to me is freedom from that whole bucket of pain and, uh, misery. [laughs]

  3. 5:17 – 11:35

    Triggers as Opportunities for Freedom

    1. RC

      Peter, you see as clients-

    2. PC

      Yeah

    3. RC

      ... um, you know, some of the most successful people out there.

    4. PC

      Yeah.

    5. RC

      You know, you, m- you know, we talked about your story last time. We talked about how you used to train Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.

    6. PC

      Yeah.

    7. RC

      Um, how you, you, you, you help people with their mind, you know, top sports stars, basketball players, golfers-

    8. PC

      Yeah

    9. RC

      ... business executives.

    10. PC

      Yeah.

    11. RC

      It's really interesting. You have a lot of high performers coming to see you.

    12. PC

      Yeah.

    13. RC

      And you help them unlock things so, you know, they can be freer, they can actually live the life that they're meant to live.

    14. PC

      Yeah.

    15. RC

      I, I'm, I'm really interested, for, for people at home who don't fall into that category-

    16. PC

      Yeah

    17. RC

      ... are there things that you do with these high performers-

    18. PC

      Mm-hmm

    19. RC

      ... that they can also do in their own life that's gonna help them?

    20. PC

      100%. And look, I may well work with high-end performers in different things, you know, from sports to business to entertainment, but the- Performance is a word that I would ascribe to any human being. A, a stay-at-home parent, mom or dad, you know, a, a kid going into his first year at secondary school. Or like everybody's performing at some level. So performance is sort of just a big catch-all for the fact that as a human being you're, you're doing something. And what I like to help people is to do it at a greater sense of, um, efficiency and joy and productivity. Um, so whether you're, you know, pitching for the New York Yankees with a, a lot of pressure because of, you know, not only the thousands of people watching in a stadium, but the millions of fans and the millions of dollars at stake, or you're somebody who's moving to a new town and you don't know many people and you're trying to find your way, that, that still for me falls under the umbrella of performance. So how do I help people? Well, first of all, recognize where do you get triggered, right? That's the, that's the gift. I, I use an expression, it's one of my quotes, I say, "Life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you're not free." So if ever you get upset by something or someone, that's the thing to look for. That's almost like, well, there's the treasure that is the, the pathway to discover some more freedom, because if you're unable to sit with or be with a circumstance, then what I, I assert is life is showing you where there's a c- there's an opportunity for you to become a more powerful human being. So if your mother-in-law or your uncle or your brother or your dad or whoever it is, or your boss upsets you, then what I would invite people to look at is what is the perceived threat, right? Because if we look at it really in terms of physics, somebody's doing something or somebody's saying something, but our brain is perceiving either of those activities as a, as a threat if we get upset. If we're not getting upset, then we're basically, we're saying, "That's fine, they can do and have their opinion, and they can take whatever choices in terms of actions they want." But wherever we get triggered to some sort of emotion, negative emotion, that's what I would ask both my clients and your listeners to go, "Okay, I got upset by this event. So what is it that is being triggered in me? 'Cause all the fear is in me, that is causing that reaction?" And that's, that's the tool, right? Is like, wow, if I'm upset by a circumstance, then I have an opportunity to find more freedom.

    21. RC

      And I think that word opportunity-

    22. PC

      Yeah

    23. RC

      ... is very apt there, isn't it? Because many of us, and I, I absolutely did this in the past as well-

    24. PC

      Uh-huh

    25. RC

      ... would look at situation where someone s- we, we perceive someone to, um... Someone has upset me, for example.

    26. PC

      Yeah, yeah.

    27. RC

      And we often look to them saying, you know, their behavior-

    28. PC

      Yeah

    29. RC

      ... has upset me. If they change their behavior-

    30. PC

      Yeah. [laughs]

  4. 11:35 – 16:04

    Responsibility, Subconscious Patterns and Peter's Own Fear of Loss

    1. RC

      And Peter, some people are gonna be pushing away at this point.

    2. PC

      Yeah.

    3. RC

      They're gonna be hearing this and going-

    4. PC

      Mm-hmm

    5. RC

      ... "What on earth are they talking about?"

    6. PC

      Yeah.

    7. RC

      I mean, like, "That guy has been mean, so therefore I am upset."

    8. PC

      Yes.

    9. RC

      Right?

    10. PC

      Mm-hmm.

    11. RC

      So, so when you can see through that and when you move beyond that-

    12. PC

      Yeah

    13. RC

      ... and you understand, and I say that with compassion, right?

    14. PC

      No, of course.

    15. RC

      I'm not saying that as like, I'm not sitting on a high horse and saying... Uh, you know, it's just-

    16. PC

      Yeah

    17. RC

      ... there is freedom on the other side. When you figure that stuff out-

    18. PC

      Mm-hmm

    19. RC

      ... when you realize that it's a mirror back to you-

    20. PC

      Yeah

    21. RC

      ... for me, I think that's where growth happens, I think that's where, where freedom lies, that's where peace lies.

    22. PC

      Yes.

    23. RC

      But what about someone... I mean, you need awareness first, right?

    24. PC

      Yes.

    25. RC

      I mean, what, what if someone just doesn't get it? What would you say to them?

    26. PC

      Um, well, that's what I'm saying, like, through, you know, you sharing work and doing these podcasts with people, and there's obviously nowadays millions of podcasts out there where people are talking on similar subjects, that we start with awareness and be gentle with ourselves. Because what, especially in my work, what I'm doing is I'm taking these deep, deep subconscious patterns which are primal, meaning that they are deep in our DNA, they're survival mechanisms, then we're bringing what was subconscious to conscious. So it's like, "Oh wow, I can see that I have a pattern. I have a tendency. I have a conditioned response to a particular external stimulus." So I take myself, for example, 'cause then I'm, I'm happy to be vulnerable about my own, my own arc of freedom. So for me, what was a trigger was anything that was of value that was potentially going to leave me. Right? Now, that's a general term, but it could be a girlfriend that I was in love with or that I was very close to. The fear was, "Okay, now there's something external that I'm putting all of this value on. What if it leaves?" Now, that could also be someone's job. It could be somebody's, um, financial wealth. It could be their s- their status in a company. Um, it could be their home. Like, anything that we put any sort of sense of worth upon, it's a human tendency to be worried about losing that. Right now the stock markets are crashing everywhere because of the fear of the virus, and so many people are going to be in a state of fear and reaction because they're losing something. So that would be the opportunity, "Okay, what is the threat?"

    27. RC

      Or, or their perception is that they're losing something [laughs] .

    28. PC

      Yes. And some people may literally be losing-

    29. RC

      Yeah

    30. PC

      ... something, right? But loss is a, again, that's a deeper distinction, right? Form comes and goes is the way I talk about it. Um, I, I could say I've lost a lot of money on the stock market. I, I have relative to my portfolio, but it was always in my portfolio, so did I really have it? [laughs] Do you know what I mean?

  5. 16:04 – 24:32

    Life as the Greatest Teacher: Root Causes, Not Strategies

    1. RC

      It can sometimes be easier to see these patterns in other people.

    2. PC

      Uh, w- without a doubt. You know-

    3. RC

      You know what I mean? It's-

    4. PC

      ... we can, we can-

    5. RC

      It's-

    6. PC

      It's blatantly obvious when it's somebody else, but when it's you, it's like ...

    7. RC

      Yeah.

    8. PC

      Yeah [laughs] .

    9. RC

      And I mean, you, you, you shared some of your own, um-

    10. PC

      Mm-hmm

    11. RC

      ... sort of journey there.

    12. PC

      Mm.

    13. RC

      And like for people who heard the first podcast, um-

    14. PC

      Yeah

    15. RC

      ... you shared how you lost your mum when you were seven years old.

    16. PC

      Correct. Yeah.

    17. RC

      Uh, you lost your father in the Zeebrugge ferry disaster.

    18. PC

      When I was 17, yeah.

    19. RC

      When you were 17. That is a rough start in life.

    20. PC

      Yeah.

    21. RC

      You know?

    22. PC

      Yeah.

    23. RC

      Well, certainly most people would say that is a super rough start.

    24. PC

      Yeah.

    25. RC

      Okay? And then if you're saying that there is a feeling of s- people who I love-

    26. PC

      Yeah

    27. RC

      ... whether it's parents or you mentioned a girlfriend leaving-

    28. PC

      Yeah

    29. RC

      ... is that your subconscious programming that is affecting your conscious thoughts? Like, is that something-

    30. PC

      Yes

  6. 24:32 – 28:52

    The Subconscious as a Confined Room

    1. RC

      I've heard you say before, I think, that conscious thinking-

    2. PC

      Mm-hmm

    3. RC

      ... is a result of subconscious programming.

    4. PC

      Correct. Yeah.

    5. RC

      And-

    6. PC

      And feeling too. That's where it gets really tricky.

    7. RC

      And feeling.

    8. PC

      So the way that we think and feel, 'cause feelings are that much more, they've got density because now they've become associated with our body. But yeah, the cons- the subconscious pattern or the, the... It's literally like a construct. It's, imagine like a particular framework, and then the thoughts, feelings, and actions live within that. So, like this room is, I don't know, 200 square feet, right? That's the size of the room. That could represent the subconscious. Now, in this room, for that reason, we're gonna have certain conversations that are available to us. This is great to do a podcast. We could maybe have, like, a little dinner party in here. But we're not having thoughts about, "Ooh, let's throw some fantastic, um, you know, rock band event here, or the Olympics." [laughs]

    9. RC

      Yeah.

    10. PC

      That doesn't happen in this space, 'cause the space doesn't call for it. So if in my mind, the space I'm living in is I'm not enough, then the dreams and aspirations that I really have in my heart and soul, they don't become conscious thoughts because they're not available in a confined space. Does that make sense?

    11. RC

      Yeah, yeah.

    12. PC

      Yeah. And that's why I love what I do, because I crack open these perceived, the perceived limitations, and then people literally have an entirely new experience of who they are and what the world is, and what becomes available. It is truly the world of pure possibility.

    13. RC

      Yeah. Uh, no, I love it. And I, and I, I w- I, you know, like you, I, I, I want everyone to experience it.

    14. PC

      Damn right. Let's go. [laughs]

    15. RC

      Um, but yeah, because it, it is, it is like, you know, living your best life.

    16. PC

      Yeah.

    17. RC

      Being able to do the things that you've dreamt of, but you often put up obstacles to actually-

    18. PC

      Yeah

    19. RC

      ... you know, to actually living out those dreams.

    20. PC

      Yeah.

    21. RC

      And, and I think that story about, you know, let's say someone at 45 is nervous to public speak, scared of what people are gonna think-

    22. PC

      Yeah

    23. RC

      ... and then you relate that back to a show-and-tell when they were five or seven when they got laughed at.

    24. PC

      Yeah, yeah.

    25. RC

      And it is, I think there's two, there's two parts to that for me. There's one is there's some imprinting that I guess often happens in childhood that serves a purpose in childhood, but no longer serves us as adults.

    26. PC

      Yeah.

    27. RC

      But also this idea that, you know, it, it's ultimately conscious or unconscious, it's a story, isn't it?

    28. PC

      Mm-hmm.

    29. RC

      It's a story that we tell ourselves.

    30. PC

      Yeah.

  7. 28:52 – 35:22

    Cultural Differences and the Gift of Listening

    1. PC

      that.

    2. RC

      Is that a good thing? I, uh, I- I tell you why I ask that.

    3. PC

      Yeah.

    4. RC

      I would have thought, as a kid growing up in the UK-

    5. PC

      Yeah

    6. RC

      ... you know, we had a certain perception of Americans.

    7. PC

      Yeah.

    8. RC

      You know, the sort of, you know, "This is awesome. This is, like, very, very emotive and very s-"

    9. PC

      We're number one. [laughs]

    10. RC

      Yeah, right? And I think as Brits-

    11. PC

      Yeah

    12. RC

      ... we always thought, you know, Brit, a lot of Brits find that brash and distasteful.

    13. PC

      Yeah.

    14. RC

      Right?

    15. PC

      Yeah.

    16. RC

      But I have changed my view on that-

    17. PC

      Mm

    18. RC

      ... over the last may- maybe the last five years, in the sense that I kinda feel, you know what? At least they're expressing the way they're feeling. They're not holding back. They're not keeping in that.

    19. PC

      Yeah.

    20. RC

      They're expressing it. Uh, they're, they're not afraid, this is my perception-

    21. PC

      Yeah

    22. RC

      ... to, you know, sell themselves, to talk about their qualities. And, and it, things that we as Brits found, you know, distasteful-

    23. PC

      Yeah

    24. RC

      ... and not the way you do things.

    25. PC

      Yeah.

    26. RC

      Actually, well, maybe we're the ones who have actually got the issue, where we won't express our emotions, where we'll keep them locked inside.

    27. PC

      Yeah.

    28. RC

      And we won't say things that we're proud of. Do you know what I mean?

    29. PC

      No, no, for sure.

    30. RC

      You have that unique perspective. You grew up in the UK. You now live out here in California.

  8. 35:22 – 40:56

    Conditional Love and Letting People Be

    1. RC

      Peter, that is, I think, such a powerful story because there will be many parents listening to this-

    2. PC

      Yeah

    3. RC

      ... who I think will just take a beat there and go, "Wait a minute."

    4. PC

      Yeah.

    5. RC

      "Let me just rewind."

    6. PC

      Yeah. [laughs]

    7. RC

      "What's that? Because I do that to my own children." And what's interesting for people, um, I think is that it's from a place of love.

    8. PC

      Yes, of course.

    9. RC

      Yeah. People are trying to protect-

    10. PC

      Yeah

    11. RC

      ... their child.

    12. PC

      Yeah.

    13. RC

      But I think a lot of people will be s- thinking, "You know, I do that to my child," and I think it's, it's, it is subtle, but it's very key. It's very, very key, and it's something I think Ved and I, my wife, we have changed a lot with our kids over the past years as we've understood this more and more. It's like, hold on a minute. Don't just, um, reflex-wise just say, "No, no, that's not the case." And so hold on. You're saying, oh, it's a two-step process. Wonderful. W- step number one-

    14. PC

      Yeah

    15. RC

      ... is, yeah, let them have that, uh, make sure they feel heard. That's fundamentally what every human wants, isn't it? To feel heard-

    16. PC

      Yeah

    17. RC

      ... and seen.

    18. PC

      Yes.

    19. RC

      And that, that is... I mean, if we get that right, actually [laughs] we change a lot in the world straight away.

    20. PC

      Um, uh, like, and that's why I love relationships and why I said everything is about relating, because I think- You know, your wife and women are, they definitely have an upper hand on men-

    21. RC

      Yeah

    22. PC

      ... because they do that for each other. You know, and certainly, you know, you know, sometimes women can obviously be a little bit competitive [laughs] with each other. But when they're loving friends, they listen to one another and their feelings because they can relate from the fact, "Oh, I feel that a lot myself." You know, whatever's inspiring it. But women are much more, um, adept at expressing feelings and listening to one another. Males, because we're sort of very binary, we're sort of very logical, we wanna fix things, we don't necessarily understand that all they're doing is expressing, meaning they've, women, partners, sisters, moms, girlfriends, wives, they're just sharing how they feel. And what they're asking for is just get my reality, 'cause right now I feel lousy. I feel unattractive. I feel like, you know, I'm a loser or, and, and they just wanna feel it's okay. And why this is paramount as far as I'm concerned, just my opinion, to establish that pattern of relating with children is because what happens is with this one woman's example that I gave, what that little boy is learning is that his feelings, um, don't, aren't important. What's important is that we keep focusing on the positive or that-

    23. RC

      Yeah

    24. PC

      ... you're only gonna be loved when you're not feeling inadequate. So we're not actually making room for our humanity and that, that's my work is, is allowing all of our flaws, our beliefs of inadequacy and insecurity to be there. Not necessarily to deny them or suppress them or drink them away, but go, "It's okay to have a day where you feel like shit. It's okay." [laughs] And, and when you really give yourself that permission, it opens up your bandwidth to love which is all-embracing 'cause w- otherwise we collapse love with, "No, I'll love you as long as you behave the way I want you to."

    25. RC

      Yeah.

    26. PC

      [laughs] I mean, I mean, if you really get that, like what has that got to do with love? That is complete preference. That is all about me.

    27. RC

      But-

    28. PC

      That's not about you.

    29. RC

      That's conditional love.

    30. PC

      Yes. Well-

  9. 40:56 – 51:08

    If You Were Them: Compassion, Self-Forgiveness and the Drunk Driver

    1. RC

      One of the phrases I think that has influenced my life significantly is, I think I heard you say this on a conversation. I can't quite remember exactly where it's from but this whole idea that once you understand that if you were that other person-

    2. PC

      Yeah

    3. RC

      ... you would be behaving in exactly the same way.

    4. PC

      That was me with Drew on Broken Brain, how we met. Yeah.

    5. RC

      Exactly.

    6. PC

      Yeah.

    7. RC

      And that has been a life-changing phrase because-

    8. PC

      Yeah

    9. RC

      ... what it does is that it takes, it, it, it takes pressure out the situation. It takes sting out the situation. It's, it, it, it brings in love. It brings in compassion. It brings in understanding.

    10. PC

      Yes.

    11. RC

      And you can apply that to anything in life, right? You can apply it to, we mentioned social media before.

    12. PC

      Yeah.

    13. RC

      You can apply it to friction at work.

    14. PC

      Yeah.

    15. RC

      Once you understand that if you were that person you would be behaving exactly the same way. If you were born where they were born, you had the conditioning they had as a child, you had the upbringing they had-

    16. PC

      Yeah

    17. RC

      ... you had the life experiences they had, you'd be behaving exactly the same way.

    18. PC

      Mm.

    19. RC

      And I guess-

    20. PC

      Yeah

    21. RC

      ... you know, w- it's really interesting for me that because people say, "No, I wouldn't." You know, some people say, "No, no, but if I was in that situ- I wouldn't behave like that. I would make this choice."

    22. PC

      [laughs] Right, right.

    23. RC

      But what's really interesting is that since our chat went out I had a chat with someone called John McAvoy-

    24. PC

      Okay

    25. RC

      ... that went out New Year's Day.

    26. PC

      Yeah.

    27. RC

      And John's got one of the most incredible stories you'll ever hear.

    28. PC

      Yeah.

    29. RC

      John was part of-

    30. PC

      He was a criminal, right? I think that's what-

  10. 51:08 – 57:17

    Slowing Down and Redefining Success

    1. RC

      so it's a g- it's, it really is a, it's a very engaging story, that, and, and it's, I mean, you mentioned at the end, I was thinking as you were saying that, you know, at the heart of your approach is compassion.

    2. PC

      Mm-hmm.

    3. RC

      That's at the heart of it. That is how-

    4. PC

      Yeah

    5. RC

      ... you can actually summarize everything and say it's about compassion.

    6. PC

      Yeah.

    7. RC

      Compassion to the world around you, compassion to people you come across, but also compassion to yourself.

    8. PC

      Yeah.

    9. RC

      And is not one of the biggest obstacles to this for people-

    10. PC

      Mm-hmm

    11. RC

      ... the fast pace of 21st century living? And why I say that is because if you're always rushing around, if you're always in a chronic state of overwhelm-

    12. PC

      Yeah

    13. RC

      ... and you know, "I've got too many things to do. I can't do this, can't do that," so you know, you're rushing all the time. You know, you never think you've got any time for yourself.

    14. PC

      Yeah.

    15. RC

      It's very hard, then, to take time to be compassionate for other people if you haven't got time to even be compassionate for yourself.

    16. PC

      Yeah.

    17. RC

      And, you know, one of my big recommendations to people is that, again, it doesn't, it's n- it, it's, it's, I think it's a necessary part of self-care on a daily basis. You need some alone time.

    18. PC

      Mm.

    19. RC

      You need some time to yourself where you can just sit with yourself. You can, not necessarily sit with yourself and hide on Instagram-

    20. PC

      Yeah

    21. RC

      ... but sit with yourself so these feelings-

    22. PC

      Yeah

    23. RC

      ... come up to the surface. You can think about them, you can talk about them, you can write them down, something. And if you don't have that, I think it's very hard-

    24. PC

      Yeah

    25. RC

      ... to move to the next stage. I mean, what would you say to that?

    26. PC

      No, I think it's great. I mean, the, the, the comment that's coming, or the, the expression that's coming to mind is slow down. And that's easier said than done, but again, I make the point that everyone's in a hurry to get to a future where one day they don't have to be in a hurry. [laughs] You know?

    27. RC

      Yeah.

    28. PC

      If you just look at that, right? [laughs] It's like people are working in jobs they don't enjoy, you know, to hopefully have sufficient money one day so that they can relax and have fun. But, you know, to what degree could we incorporate some of that now and actually take a breath? Like quite literally-

    29. RC

      Yeah

    30. PC

      ... just stop and breathe for a minute. Because it is so conditioned within us to survive. So your points about the hurry, the urgency, this competitive nature of society, it's, it's a survival paradigm. And to me, real success is where I can be at peace in the midst of chaos. And that's got nothing to do with my bank account. It's got nothing to do with, you know, whoever's on my arm as a beautiful man or a beautiful woman, or the title on my business card. It's, can I be comfortable in my own skin regardless of what's going on around me? And that to me is a human being who's found the true definition of success. Because I'm blessed to work with people who have more money than time, and they would traditionally be seen as the most successful because of their net worth, yet if you were to understand the inner mechanics of their feelings and their thoughts and their relationships, you would see somebody who's quite broken and who's very upset and is on all sorts of medication, and doesn't know how to feel compassion for their partner-

  11. 57:17 – 1:07:03

    Emotional Obesity and Emotional Eating

    1. RC

      Some of the themes that have just come up, I wonder if we could apply to something specific, like obesity.

    2. PC

      Okay, sure.

    3. RC

      Like, and what I mean by that is, um, you know, often we think, oh, you know, we're gonna be happy when we've got that body.

    4. PC

      Yeah.

    5. RC

      You know? When I- or when I've lost this amount of weight-

    6. PC

      Yeah

    7. RC

      ... you know, things are gonna be great. I'm gonna be able to fit into this cl- you know-

    8. PC

      Mm-hmm

    9. RC

      ... pair of clothes, I'm gonna be able to do this.

    10. PC

      Yeah.

    11. RC

      Um, and you know, obesity is so widespread these days, both in the UK and certainly here in America, for sure.

    12. PC

      Yeah, worldwide, yeah.

    13. RC

      Um, and, you know, we're not really making inroads into obesity.

    14. PC

      Yeah.

    15. RC

      And I think there's many reasons for that. And I've, I've been trying to create my own framework for obesity recently. I'm sort of playing around with a few ideas-

    16. PC

      Yeah

    17. RC

      ... based upon my experience and what I see. And so there's a couple of things I just wanna touch on with you based upon your work that I think might be useful. So a lot of people-

    18. PC

      Mm-hmm

    19. RC

      ... who are trying to lose weight, a lot of my patients have said to me, "You know, when this happens, I'll be able to do A, B, and C."

    20. PC

      Yeah.

    21. RC

      So this is this whole idea that I can't be happy now.

    22. PC

      Yes.

    23. RC

      I will be happy at the, in the future-

    24. PC

      Yeah

    25. RC

      ... when I've lost the weight, without realizing that this unhappiness with the way things currently are-

    26. PC

      Mm-hmm

    27. RC

      ... is gonna make it much harder for them to actually get to that destination in the first place.

    28. PC

      Yeah.

    29. RC

      So I wanna really touch on that with you.

    30. PC

      Yeah.

  12. 1:07:03 – 1:20:00

    Beyond Food: Language, Nourishment and Self-Love in Practice

    1. RC

      Yeah. I mean, would you encourage them to even reframe the way they say it? For example, instead of saying, "I am obese"-

    2. PC

      Mm-hmm

    3. RC

      ... or, "I am fat," you know, "I am someone..." For, you know, for example, "I am someone who is currently carrying excess weight."

    4. PC

      Mm-hmm.

    5. RC

      Oh, that's more accurate, isn't it?

    6. PC

      Yeah.

    7. RC

      Can they start using language-

    8. PC

      Yes

    9. RC

      ... immediately to start changing that relationship?

    10. PC

      100%. And I would even, you know, I get poetic. I love to write, and, you know, that's how I find joy and expression. I'd say, "Who you are is an expression of pure love and pure possibility." Looking through a lens of inadequacy, insecurity, and scarcity, which led to a behavioral adaptation where I found comfort in food. Now, if you look at that cascade and we come back to what did I say at the beginning? You are an expression of love and pure possibility. It is purely based on the view you have of yourself and life, that I'm not loved by society, I'm not wanted, that who I am in my relationship to myself is inadequate. That that lens, it's a lens that I look through, gives me the experience of sadness, isolation, depression, hopelessness, worthlessness. From that perspective, I am gonna be in a position of pain from which I've found relief in food. Now, if we lift off that lens, if we remove the, the, the lie that there is something wrong with you, that you're not loved, you're not accepted, then there is relief, and in relief, I don't need to find comfort in food. So yes, to your point, they could say, "Who I am currently is somebody who, based on my conditioning, has accumulated excess calories over time that expresses as a bigger body." That's the physics. But the why is because of the way that I view myself as somehow less than, as somehow inadequate, and that's the thing to really look at. Is it true that who you are is somehow not enough? It might feel that way. You may have expressed yourself, that your entire life that way, but I would assert it is not a truth. And in the absence of that self-deprecating view of yourself, if that is gone, then people feel such an immense weight loss emotionally. Like, everybody I work with says, "Gosh, I feel so much lighter."

    11. RC

      Yeah.

    12. PC

      That is an energetic/emotional precursor to then their body reflecting that.

    13. RC

      Yeah, I, it's... The more I think about obesity, the more I reflect on patients over the last 20 years, the more I... I don't know. The more I think we've, again, we've reduced the narrative around it to be simply about calories, about energy-

    14. PC

      Yeah, it's about food, and it's not at all

    15. RC

      Well, yeah, yeah.

    16. PC

      [laughs]

    17. RC

      A- a- and, and even within food, and people talk about hunger, but there's, there's physical hunger and then there's emotional hunger.

    18. PC

      Mm-hmm.

    19. RC

      You know, why are you eating? Like, someone on that Insta story I put out to ask you questions-

    20. PC

      Yeah

    21. RC

      ... I think someone said, "Ask Peter why I can't stop eating foods in the evening that I know aren't helpful for me."

    22. PC

      Yes.

    23. RC

      Right? You sort of answered that, because actually it's part of that story. The way I see it, the way I, I talk about it, is that we're now using food for things that we never used to use it for. For, uh, uh, for instance-

    24. PC

      Mm-hmm

    25. RC

      ... food used to be there as fuel-

    26. PC

      Mm-hmm

    27. RC

      ... for physical hunger. When we were really hungry, we needed fuel-

    28. PC

      Yeah

    29. RC

      ... we, we'd eat.

    30. PC

      Yeah.

  13. 1:20:00 – 1:28:20

    Listening in Relationships and Peter's Daily Practice

    1. RC

      but are there some sort of practical tips that people can think about in their relationships?

    2. PC

      Yeah, one word. Listen. Listen. It's, it's, it's so misunderstood. When people talk about communicating, what does, what does usually come to mind when you say, you know, communicate? What do you normally think of when you hear that word? Like, if I'm communicating-

    3. RC

      How do I-

    4. PC

      Like, what, what is the connotation? If I'm saying, "Oh, you know, they're a good communicator," what does that normally imply?

    5. RC

      It normally implies they're good at explaining something to someone else.

    6. PC

      Correct. So I want to flip that around. I wanna say the greatest communicators are the greatest listeners. Two ears, one mouth, right?

    7. RC

      Yeah.

    8. PC

      So in relationships, if this is like sort of we're down to the last couple of minutes and there's an ultimate takeaway, is l- work on listening. There's no greater gift you can give a human being than to truly get their reality over there. We l- most people tend to react. They're not listening. So even if someone comes up and calls me an idiot, which fortunately they don't, but if from my perspective I really got that's how they viewed me and I was listening, there's no reaction on my end. There's actually just curiosity because that's not how I view myself so I'm kinda curious, where did you get that opinion of me? So now I get into their reality versus retaliating and say-

    9. RC

      [laughs]

    10. PC

      ... "Well, screw you, you're an idiot."

    11. RC

      Yeah.

    12. PC

      Which is how most people relate. It's a very basic form of language, but it's because people don't listen, they react. And again, I'm gonna re- re- reiterate it. There's no greater gift you can get than to truly understand, fully, fully get somebody's view of life. They're just expressing how things look through their eyes, and what most people do is they don't get their reality. They listen from, how does their view affect me?

    13. RC

      Yeah.

    14. PC

      That's how most people are listening. What is their words and what are their actions? What are the implications to me?

    15. RC

      Yeah.

    16. PC

      Which is the survival mindset. That is not a relationship. Really get this. That is not a relationship with anyone else. That is a relationship with my view of my own existence, which is why most people aren't in a relationship because they're not with the other person, they're with the other person and how does that person threaten my view of life?

    17. RC

      Yeah.

    18. PC

      That, that's why most people are lonely, why most people's relationships aren't passionate and fulfilling and joyous. Because they don't understand that a relationship has got nothing to do with my view of survival and how that person upsets me or brings me joy or they have to behave in a certain way for me to feel okay. It's rather, I'm fascinated to get to know your view of life.

    19. RC

      Yeah.

    20. PC

      And that is, that would change this whole world and the way that people relate to each other like you wouldn't believe.

    21. RC

      Peter, I normally ask people to finish off with some practical tips, but I think you've already done that.

    22. PC

      [laughs]

    23. RC

      I think you've given plenty of practical tips. There's a lot of wisdom in what you say. I've no doubt that people will resonate with this episode just as much.

    24. PC

      Yeah.

    25. RC

      Uh, I didn't share as much of my own story in this one.

    26. PC

      [laughs]

    27. RC

      Um, but maybe we can do that next time. [laughs]

    28. PC

      Yeah.

    29. RC

      Um-

    30. PC

      We'll look at, we'll look at your relationships. [laughs]

Episode duration: 1:28:22

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