Regret Is a Form of Perfectionism (This Changed How I See My Entire Life)

1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:00

   So I thought as a 14-year-old boy, "Wow, God, if I could be Jon Bon Jovi, my life would be perfect," right? Touring the world, screaming fans, writing killer album after killer album, if you like that sort of thing at the time, right? Whatever your [chuckles] choice might be. But somewhere along the line, I believed that it was possible, and many of us believe that perfectionism is possible. I think it's got so much worse now with social media where we see these avatars online. They're not real. Taylor Swift, our impression of Taylor Swift is not real. Yes, she is real. She exists. But actually, what we're shown about her is v- carefully curated by a marketing machine. I'm not having a go at them for doing that. It is a business, right? I'm not criticizing Taylor Swift. If you love Taylor Swift and you like going to her concerts, that is great, but many of us are growing up with the belief that that is possible, and it's not possible, right? If... I'm- I've learned as an adult over the last years, Chris, I'm 47 now, and I think, "Wow, if I was Jon Bon Jovi, what would it have been genuinely like being on the road for 300 days a year?"

2. SPSpeaker1:12

   Hmm.

3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:12

   "What's it like for your wife?"

4. SPSpeaker1:14

   Hmm.

5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:14

   "What's it like for your children growing up? What was it like sleeping on a tour bus with sweaty crew night after night?" Like, genuinely because I think I said to you just before we got on the mics, Chris, I'm in such a great place these days. Like, like, honestly, I've never felt this good. Like, I feel really... I feel grounded. I feel calm. I feel that I've, I've managed to come to a point where I, I get what's truly important for me. Not for anyone else, but for me.

6. SPSpeaker1:43

   What's changed?

7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:47

   What's changed is I've cut a lot of these reliances that were tying me down, that I, that I talk about in this book, right? Bit by bit, I've gone through the process of cutting them, this reliance on perfection, realizing, no, perfect is a myth, Rangan. You cannot achieve perfect. It's not possible, right? So get really clear on what your priorities are this week. Everything in life has a consequence, right? N- this is, this is something I truly get these days, Chris, in a way that I never got before. We make choices in life, and those choices have consequences. Too often we only think about the upside of our choices and not the downsides. And so I think last time I came on your show a few years ago, I mentioned this little happiness exercise that I've used with patients for years, I use myself, which is this very simple write your own happy ending exercise where you imagine yourself on your deathbed, and you imagine looking back on your life, what are the three things I will want to have done in my life? And for me, the last time I did that, it was I want to have spent quality time with my friends and family. I will want to have had time to, um... I will want to have had time to actually pursue my passions. And thirdly, I will want to have done something that has improved the lives of other people. I genuinely think if I was on my deathbed now, those are the three things I will want. Now, I can't say that for sure 'cause I'm not there, but I'm imagining. And then the second part of the exercise is you come back to the present where you then pick three happiness habits, right? So what are three things I would need to do each week, my happiness habits, that will guarantee, or pretty much guarantee I get the happy ending that I just defined that I want. So for me, and I, I don't think it's changed in the last year and a half or so, it's literally... And I have it on my fridge at home because I wanna be visually triggered by it every day, so I don't get caught up in what I might be able to achieve or what I might be able to do. I have... I, I put down on my list, can I have five meals each week with my wife and kids while I'm fully present and not thinking about work, okay? It's an arbitrary number that works for me. It may not work for someone else, but it works for me, right? Secondly, if I have time to play my guitar, write a song, or go for a long run each week, then I know I've found time to pursue my passions. And thirdly, if I release an episode of my podcast each week, which I've been doing for seven years now, I will be doing something each week to improve the lives of others. It's such a simple exercise, Chris, but I tell you, in a world where we have infinite things competing for our attention, and we often think that we'll only do the important things when everything in our life is done-

8. SPSpeaker4:37

   Hmm

9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee4:37

   ... and nothing in... everything in our life is never done these days, it forces me in a really beautiful way to focus on these are my top priorities.

10. SPSpeaker4:47

    Just going back to the, uh, perfectionism thing, regret, obviously people are going to do things. We get toward the end of our lives. We grow up. We accumulate regret. Do you think regrets are a form of perfectionism in that way?

11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee4:58

    Yeah.

12. SPSpeaker5:00

    If only I could have threaded the needle perfectly. If only I could have danced through this minefield without triggering one of them.

13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee5:05

    Yeah. This is one of my favorite sections in the book. This is one of the latest additions before I submitted it, is this idea that regret is a form of perfectionism, right? Are you tired of waking up exhausted even when you've technically had enough sleep? Do you feel like you're constantly doing everything right, yet you still feel stuck? You're not broken. You're just running the wrong habits. I've taken everything I've learnt from helping thousands of patients and boiled it down into five tiny daily habits that can transform your life in just 30 days. No overwhelm, no pressure, just small shifts that reset your energy, mood, and mind. If you're ready to stop surviving and start feeling like yourself again, download my free guide now. Just click on the first link in the description box below or scan the QR code on screen. You've got absolutely nothing to lose except the version of you that's been running on empty for far too long.And I wanted to talk about this with you today because I've just seen your blog from Australia-

14. SPSpeaker6:16

    Mm-hmm

15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:17

    ... on YouTube, right? And you're on stage, and I don't know if this is still your view or not, but my recollection of what I saw was that you said on stage, or certainly the bit in the vlog, was about this idea that we choose our regrets.

16. SPSpeaker6:31

    Mm-hmm.

17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:32

    So can I present my perspective, which I, I see it a little bit differently than that.

18. SPSpeaker6:36

    Mm-hmm.

19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:37

    Okay. I think it is possible to live a life of no regrets. I really do. I don't think we necessarily have to choose our regrets. The definition of regret is when we look back on something with sadness or disappointment, this, this idea that we could have done something differently. I used to look back on many of m- my past experiences with guilt and shame, and I think that's what regret can do. Because the reason I say that regret is a form of perfectionism is because at its core is this idea that I could have made perfect decisions. It was possible, and I'm a failure because I didn't. The problem with that kind of thinking is that it keeps us trapped into the past, and it leads to guilt and shame. And in terms of making changes that last, it won't allow you to do that because you keep beating yourself up in your mind over the things that you wish you'd done differently. Now, you can live two regret... You can live a life of no regrets in two different ways, right? You can live it, and I'm not suggesting people do this, in a way where it's like, "Yeah, screw everyone else. It's my life. I'm gonna be myself and do what I do, and I'm gonna put it with the consequences." But when I say you can live a life of no regrets, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about it a slightly different way, which is I can look back on my past, and I can learn from past experiences. I can choose to believe, which I do, it's a choice, you don't have to believe this, but I would argue that your life is much happier and calmer if you choose to believe this. I choose to believe that I was always doing the best that I could based on the information I had at the time. If I choose to adopt that belief, then there's no room for regret. I was making the best decision I could. And now with hindsight, I go, yeah, you know what? If I'm faced with that situation again, I can act differently, and I will act differently because now I know better. I will do better, but I couldn't have done better back then. And in terms of your question before, Chris, why is it that at this stage in my life I feel so good? One of the reasons, there's many, one of the reasons is because I no longer have any regrets. Every single one of my past experiences has led to me being the person that I am today. Without any of those experiences, I wouldn't have been the same person, right? I'm informed by all of those things. So I very much do look at my past, but I use it as a way of learning about myself. I think the other way... Well, I'll come to the other way in a minute. What, what's... You said in that video that you think you have to choose your regrets.

20. SPSpeaker9:20

    Mm-hmm.

21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee9:20

    I'm presenting a slightly different perspective-

22. SPSpeaker9:22

    Mm-hmm

23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee9:22

    ... I think.

24. SPSpeaker9:23

    Mm-hmm.

25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee9:23

    What's your take on that?

26. SPSpeaker9:25

    Yes, I like the idea that i- it's very equanimous to think I did the best that I could with the information that was available at the time that I made that decision. I can't go back and change it. There's no, there's no usefulness to me having that. I think m- maybe regret, this sort of sadness or wistfulness or nostalgia, wishing that things had been different, perhaps that was a slightly imprecise bit of language that I used. What I'm trying to refer to is that you'll always have this open loop in the back of your mind that you wonder whether things could have been better-

27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee9:55

    Yeah

28. SPSpeaker9:56

    ... whether or not you could have done something just a little bit better, or whether that was the right decision, new job or a relationship, or go to the gym or go to the theme park or whatever it is that you should have done because opportunity cost demands that you do one thing to sacrifice another.

29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee10:10

    One of the most important pillars for our health is, of course, nutrition. But I think because of our busy, stressed out lives, so many people are struggling despite their best intentions. So many patients over the years have told me that they know what they should be doing, but they're struggling to actually do it, and that's why I'm a fan of AG1. AG1 is a daily health drink that contains over 70 vitamins, minerals, and other ingredients that are designed to make nutrition really easy. It's been in my own life for over six years now. It's simple, it's tasty, it's convenient, and it forms a part of my morning routine. People will routinely tell me that taking AG1 regularly has improved their focus, their cognition, their energy. Some people even tell me that they drink less coffee when they're taking AG1. And there's research out there showing us that taking AG1 regularly can improve specific markers of your gut health, which is really good for your immune health. So if you're looking to upgrade your own nutrition in a simple, tasty, and convenient way, try AG1. To get a free bottle of vitamin D and five free travel packs, go to drinkag1.com/livemore.

30. SPSpeaker11:28

    And because you don't get to run life back and split test it, work out if the theme park was better than the gym or the gym was better than the theme park, you're always gonna have that what if in the back of your mind. So for me, this was a way for people maybe to arrive at probably not too dissimilar of a situation as yourself, which is, look, some degree of wistful uncertainty about the past is inevitable. Holding onto it is pointless-

Episode duration: 23:48