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Dr Rangan ChatterjeeDr Rangan Chatterjee

The Shocking Reason You're Tired, Lost & Doubting Yourself | Esther Perel

This episode is brought to you by: Save 30% OFF your Ketone IQ subscription, PLUS you’ll get a free gift with your second shipment— Fun stuff like a free 6 pack, KetoneIQ merch, and more. Go to https://ketone.com/livemore to get yours! Get 20% off your first VIVOBAREFOOT order, visit: https://bit.ly/3FLdvBa Try the NEW WHOOP today at https://join.whoop.com/livemore AG1 - Get 1 year's FREE VITAMIN D and 5 FREE TRAVEL PACKS visit: https://bit.ly/43FwxQl Are we expecting too much from our jobs - and is it costing us our health, relationships and happiness? This week I’m delighted to welcome back someone who is regarded as one of the most insightful and original voices on modern relationships, the psychotherapist Esther Perel. Fluent in nine languages, Esther has her own therapy practice in New York City, serves as an organisational consultant for multiple Fortune 500 companies and is ALSO the author of the New York Times Bestselling books, ‘Mating in Captivity’ and ‘The State of Affairs’. Although Esther is probably best known for her teachings and wisdom on our romantic relationships, more recently she has turned her attention to our work relationships. The occasion for this appearance on my podcast is to celebrate the release of her brand new 100-question card game designed to transform your work culture – one story and one relationship at a time. In this thought-provoking conversation, we explore how our expectations of the workplace have shifted dramatically – and why it’s creating both opportunity and strain. Esther shares that in the past, work was primarily about survival, duty and financial stability. But today, many of us are looking to our jobs to provide identity, belonging, fulfilment and even self-worth. We discuss: • Esther’s four key pillars of healthy workplace relationships – trust, belonging, recognition and collective resilience – and why these needs mirror those in our romantic lives • How unresolved workplace issues can lead to emotional exhaustion, poor health choices and a reduced capacity to connect at home • How our increasingly digital lives are reducing the everyday social skills we need to connect, communicate and collaborate • How our personal relationship history – our “unofficial CV” – shows up at work and influences how we handle authority, conflict, feedback and boundaries • Why managing conflict well can deepen connection – and how curiosity and honest self-reflection can transform how we show up in all areas of life Throughout our conversation, Esther offers compassion and clarity, breaking down complex emotional patterns into simple, human truths we can all relate to – and, most importantly, act on. She encourages us to approach work relationships not as transactional, but as relational, inviting us to bring the same level of curiosity, empathy, and accountability that we would bring to any meaningful connection. At a time when so many of us are feeling isolated or overwhelmed, Esther’s advice shows that even small shifts in how we relate, listen and respond can spark meaningful change at work, with our families and ourselves. I hope you enjoy listening. #feelbetterlivemore ---- Connect with Esther: https://www.estherperel.com https://www.estherperel.com/podcast https://www.instagram.com/EstherPerelOfficial https://twitter.com/EstherPerel https://www.tiktok.com/@estherperel_official https://www.facebook.com/esther.perel Esther’s card game: Where Should We Begin? At Work https://game.estherperel.com/products/where-should-we-begin-at-work #feelbetterlivemore #feelbetterlivemorepodcast ------- Order MAKE CHANGE THAT LASTS. US & Canada version https://amzn.to/3RyO3SL, UK version https://amzn.to/3Kt5rUK ----- Follow Dr Chatterjee at: Website: https://drchatterjee.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drchatterjee Twitter: https://twitter.com/drchatterjeeuk Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drchatterjee/ Newsletter: https://drchatterjee.com/subscription DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website.

Dr. Rangan ChatterjeehostEsther Perelguest
May 20, 20251h 16mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Modern work reshapes identity needs, relationships, conflict, and wellbeing today

  1. Perel argues that modern workers bring needs for belonging, identity, and meaning to work that earlier generations met through community, religion, and extended family.
  2. Remote work, rapid technological change (especially AI), and job impermanence intensify uncertainty, making adaptability and relational intelligence essential workplace competencies.
  3. Work and home are deeply interconnected: feeling unseen or stressed at work spills into health behaviors, self-care, and family interactions, and vice versa.
  4. She identifies four pillars of relational health at work—trust, belonging, recognition, and collective resilience—and shows how they mirror intimate relationships but manifest differently in workplace contexts.
  5. Perel proposes practical tools (story-based prompts/card decks) and principles (start conversations early, listen well, apologize first) to reduce friction and strengthen teams.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Work now carries emotional and existential expectations it wasn’t built to hold alone.

Perel says people increasingly look to work for identity, belonging, and meaning—needs previously met by community and religion—so leadership and culture must address relational needs, not just tasks and perks.

Uncertainty is the new baseline, and adaptability is now a relational requirement.

AI and rapid change demand constant adjustment without clear outcomes; teams need flexibility and psychological safety to navigate the unknown together rather than relying on individual grit.

No perk compensates for a miserable work relationship.

Free food, benefits, and wellness programs can’t offset feeling unseen, devalued, or chronically stressed; relational dynamics directly shape engagement, performance, and mental/physical strain.

Work stress doesn’t stay at work—it reshapes home behavior and health choices.

The conversation links workplace friction to irritability, lower frustration tolerance, avoidance of connection, and coping behaviors like sugar, alcohol, and compulsive scrolling, creating a three-layer impact: physical, psychological, relational.

The same pillars underpin healthy relationships everywhere: trust, belonging, recognition, and collective resilience.

Perel frames these as universal relational needs; in workplaces they show up as “Do you have my back?”, “Am I part of this?”, “Am I valued/credited?”, and “Can we adapt together when things change?”.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

We are wanting from our work to g- give us a sense of belonging, identity, community, and meaning.

Esther Perel

No amount of free food or benefits or privileges or gyms will compensate for a miserable relationship at work.

Esther Perel

Work is an identity economy.

Esther Perel

We shifted our entire model of relationships from duty and obligation to choice and options, from values to feelings, from role to identity.

Esther Perel

The f- person who apologizes first has the power.

Esther Perel

Work as “identity economy” vs duty/obligation modelRemote work, distributed teams, global culture clashesAI, frictionless tech, and rising uncertaintySocial atrophy and loss of real-world negotiation skillsSpillover from workplace stress to health habits at homeFour pillars: trust, belonging, recognition, collective resilienceConflict reframing: what you’re fighting for vs aboutUnofficial “relationship resume” at workStorytelling tools: Where Should We Begin? At WorkApology, listening, and accountability as leverage points

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