Try It For 1 Day! - Do This Every Morning To Stop Laziness, Boost Motivation & Focus | Mel Robbins

1. 0:00 – 6:15

   Why Knowing What to Do Isn't Enough: The Habit of Hesitation

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      I'm on a mission to get every human being in the world to add one simple thing to their morning routine. This takes five days to work, five days before you have an enormous breakthrough in how you see and relate to yourself.

   2. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:21

      People struggle despite knowing what they should be doing. They procrastinate. They have these negative thoughts that get in the way of them taking action. What do you think the reason is?

   3. MRMel Robbins0:30

      Well, I think knowing what to do is really simple. I'm serious. Like, if you, in any area of your life where you feel stuck, you know what you need to do to move the needle, to improve the situation at work, to change your career, to improve your health, to make yourself happier, to work on your marriage. The information is everywhere, and in fact, if you're listening to me right now and you go, "Mel Robbins, you are wrong. I have no idea what to do. I just know I'm stuck," actually, you know what to do. Go to Google and type in "I hate my job" and you will get hundreds of millions of links. You will probably find 100,000 videos that are made by people who have been stuck in their jobs who will walk you through a step-by-step process that you could take in order to change. The what is easy. The issue is how. How do you make yourself take actions when you're afraid, when you're scared, when you're overwhelmed? How do you break bad habits? How do you break the negative thinking that is causing you to feel paralyzed? See, the problem for most of us is we think about what we need to do, but thinking won't change your life. The only way you're going to change your life or change your career or change your health is to take action, and so the reason why so many people get stopped by procrastination and stopped by fear and stopped by anxiety is because they never get past the part of just thinking about it. And I believe that we all have a habit that I call the habit of hesitation, and in psychology, psychologists and researchers say there's basically two types of people, right? There's people that have a bias towards action, and those are the kinds of folks that when inspiration strikes or when confidence strikes or when courage strikes or when opportunity strikes, they tend to lean toward it and to take action. And based on research, those folks tend to be happier, healthier, more successful, more fulfilled in life. And then there's the rest of us, and those of us that have what psychologists call a bias towards thinking, which means in a moment of uncertainty, a moment of opportunity, a moment, uh, where you need courage or confidence, instead of leaning toward it, you lean away from it and you start thinking, "What should I do?" And it's that habit of hesitating in moments of change that is keeping you stuck. We call it procrastination, we call it overthinking, we call it a lot of things, but it's just a habit of pausing.

   4. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:18

      Yeah.

   5. MRMel Robbins3:19

      And then you trip into patterns of thinking and patterns of behavior that have been holding you back for years.

   6. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:24

      I mean, people say information is power.

   7. MRMel Robbins3:26

      [laughs]

   8. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:27

      And based upon what you're saying there, and I actually agree with this, information's not everything, is it? Like, we can have the information, we can have the knowledge. You know, knowledge is power.

   9. MRMel Robbins3:38

      Mm-hmm.

   10. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:39

       It is, but it's, it's not everything, is it? You can have the knowledge and not take action.

   11. MRMel Robbins3:44

       I know a lot of really smart people that are miserable.

   12. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:47

       Yeah.

   13. MRMel Robbins3:48

       I know a ton of people that do nothing but read self-help books-

   14. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:52

       [laughs]

   15. MRMel Robbins3:52

       ... or watch videos on YouTube about inspiration and do nothing.

   16. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee3:57

       Yeah.

   17. MRMel Robbins3:57

       And the reason why is they gather information as a way to feel like you're working on something, and learning is a really important thing to do. Like, understanding, becoming more self-aware, it's critical to you improving your life. It's critical to you being happier and more fulfilled. If you don't understand yourself and you don't understand the patterns of thinking and the patterns of behavior that are keeping you stuck, you'll never be able to break them and replace them. But you can c- get yourself comfortable with learning and duping yourself into thinking that somehow being smarter about what you need to do to be healthy will make you healthy.

   18. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee4:39

       Yeah.

   19. MRMel Robbins4:39

       That's not true. Just like reading about launching a business doesn't launch a business. And so, you know, one of the other things that I find to be really interesting, and I think this is one of the reasons why, um, people really resonate with a lot of what I have to say. I don't know if it's the dyslexia, the ADHD, what it is, but I can't remember a lot of information in terms of a list. So if I'm trying to get healthy and you give me 11 things to do, I will do none of them. If you give me one simple thing that I can grab onto, I will likely try it, and I think a lot of times what happens for folks is, and I know it certainly has happened for me, is that even if the information is empowering, if it feels complicated, I'm not gonna do it.

   20. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee5:30

       Yeah. That's the beauty or, or one of the beauties I'd say of your approach, whether it's in your, you know, you've written multiple books, but the one before this, um, and, and including this one, The High Five Habit. You know, the subtitle I think says it all: Take Control of Your Life with One Simple Habit. And as you talk, Mel, I really, I can't tell you how much I connect with what you're saying because it's a, it's very similar to the approach I've tried to take with patients for over 20 years now is keep it simple. You know, what is that one keystone habit that's gonna unlock the door to all those, to all those other habits?

   21. MRMel Robbins6:11

       Mm-hmm.

   22. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:11

       Um, before we get into the new book-

2. 6:15 – 11:50

   Steph's Story and Why Small Tools Beat Big Solutions

   1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:15

      I have a new team member.

   2. MRMel Robbins6:16

      Uh-huh.

   3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:17

      And she's a huge fan of yours.

   4. MRMel Robbins6:19

      Okay.

   5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:20

      And last night I said to her, "Hey, so I've got Mel coming to the studio." She was losing it with excitement, and she said, "Mel Robbins changed my life. If it wasn't for Mel, I'd still be in a job that was stressing me out so I couldn't stand anymore. If it wasn't for Mel, I'd still be on antidepressants. If it wasn't for Mel's 54321 rule, I wouldn't have pressed send on the application to join your team, Rangan." And she only joined a few weeks ago. And that just really hit me at how profound and how life-changing your work is, because this is one individual who has shared how it's helped her health, it's helped her... Well, it's helped her physical health, her mental wellbeing, and it's helped her to get a job, which, as she said to me last night, has pushed her out of her comfort zone, that she knew she could do-

   6. MRMel Robbins7:15

      Mm-hmm

   7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee7:15

      ... but probably wouldn't have had the courage to go for.

   8. MRMel Robbins7:19

      Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing that. And, um, there's a couple things that I wanna say about that. That story does a beautiful job of explaining my mission in the world, and that is to uncover simple tools that anybody can use to help them make changes in their life. And so the reason why... What's her name?

   9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee7:54

      Her name's Steph.

   10. MRMel Robbins7:55

       So the reason why Steph was so excited, and I hear it every day, like, one of the coolest things, uh, about, you know, being on YouTube and being on social media and putting work out and speaking on stages around the world, is when you have a super simple idea, it's so sticky-

   11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee8:13

       Yeah

   12. MRMel Robbins8:13

       ... that anybody can share it. It sounds kinda stupid, that count backwards? Okay. You know, you're not gonna forget that, 'cause it sounds kinda dumb. And the idea itself is so simple and so sticky, anybody can try it and anybody can share it. And oftentimes people don't even know my name. They're like, "Oh my gosh, you're the five lady."

   13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee8:30

       Yeah.

   14. MRMel Robbins8:31

       Or, "Robin." You know, they, like, mix-

   15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee8:32

       [laughs]

   16. MRMel Robbins8:32

       Like, they don't even, like... They've been watching me and they've-- And I love that.

   17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee8:36

       Yeah.

   18. MRMel Robbins8:36

       Because for me it's about the tools. And in Steph's case, what's super interesting about her excitement, 'cause I literally cannot go through a day at this point and have somebody not walk up to me and say, "You changed my life." And I always say the exact same thing when somebody tells me that. I say, "Thank you so much for telling me. I appreciate you acknowledging me and following me, but you deserve the credit, because you did the work. I just gave you a tool that I happened to discover that helps you move from thinking to doing."

   19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee9:15

       Yeah.

   20. MRMel Robbins9:15

       So she moved herself from thinking about how much she hated her job to 54321, stopping the thinking by counting backwards, and pushing herself to move. She moved herself from thinking about applying for the dream job of yours and 54321 hitting send. She moved herself from thinking about going to the gym to 54321, cutting the procrastination loop in half, and then replacing it with a push to take action. And so what's so elegant and simple and empowering about The 5 Second Rule or The High Five Habit or all the other simplistic stuff that I tend to share with the world, because that's the stuff that works for me, is that these are all tools that cut through the bullshit that's holding you back, and it just so happens that your nerdy friend Mel has done all the research to be able to explain to you why science and research and decades of psychological academic work actually is encapsulated by counting backwards 54321, or in this particular new brain hack, The High Five Habit, how simply high-fiving the human being you see in the mirror every single morning as part of your morning routine will build the habit of self-empowerment, self-respect, self-worth, self-encouragement-

   21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee10:41

       Yeah

   22. MRMel Robbins10:41

       ... self-love. Like, this is powerful stuff, and it sounds dumb. [laughs] You know? Like, it sound- Like, and here's the other thing, and you and I were just talking about this. I think that, that, that life is so freaking overwhelming.

   23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee10:54

       Yeah.

   24. MRMel Robbins10:55

       And when your problems seem overwhelming or when that dream job seems impossibly far away, we all make this fundamental mistake of believing that because your, your problems are so big, the solution must be big.

   25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee11:11

       Yeah.

   26. MRMel Robbins11:11

       Or because the dream is so far away, that the, the, the way that you're gonna get there is so enormous. And the fact is it's the exact opposite. The exact opposite, everybody, that when your problems are enormous, it is the littlest thing that moves you in a different direction and starts to chip away at it. When your dream is enormous, it's the littlest thing that gets you moving.

   27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee11:34

       Yeah.

   28. MRMel Robbins11:34

       And when you understand that you can get started towards something by doing the smallest little thing, and it'll crack open something inside you and let some light back in. That's powerful.

3. 11:50 – 22:07

   The Woman in Iceland and Taking Feedback

   1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee11:50

      One of the reasons I think so many people around the world resonate with you is because you have a real knack at making people feel that you get them, you get their life. And you share a lot of that in the new book, The High Five Habit. You share a lot of your own struggles, uh, where things didn't quite go-

   2. MRMel Robbins12:14

      [laughs]

   3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee12:15

      ... as well as you wanted them to-

   4. MRMel Robbins12:16

      Uh-huh

   5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee12:16

      ... on multiple occasions.

   6. MRMel Robbins12:18

      Yeah.

   7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee12:18

      And, and when I hear you say that people come up to you on a daily basis-

   8. MRMel Robbins12:23

      Mm-hmm

   9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee12:24

      I'm interested in how do you really take that feedback, and does the Mel Robbins of 2021 take it in a different way from the Mel Robbins of, let's say, 2011? Because I get this real impression that you have evolved. You are taking your readers with you.

   10. MRMel Robbins12:41

       Mm-hmm.

   11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee12:42

       You've spoken about, you know, and we'll get to this, you've spoken about guilt, about shame, um, you know, insecurity, jealousy, all these things.

   12. MRMel Robbins12:51

       That's the nice stuff.

   13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee12:52

       That's the nice stuff.

   14. MRMel Robbins12:53

       Oh, for crying out loud. When are we gonna talk about the cheating and the anxiety attacks and the, the quitting jobs during a panic or the homesickness or the... I mean, holy, drinking myself into a ground, anxiety, postpartum depression. Like, I mean, I have just had a roller- I was a very high-functioning, screwed-up human being.

   15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee13:14

       Yeah. I think there's a lot of them around.

   16. MRMel Robbins13:16

       I think most people are, mostly.

   17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee13:18

       Yeah.

   18. MRMel Robbins13:18

       Like, I mean, you're either... L- I think we're all sort of, like, finding our way back home to ourselves.

   19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee13:24

       So, so, so as, as you felt, um, I guess, more secure in who you are-

   20. MRMel Robbins13:30

       Mm-hmm

   21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee13:30

       ... in your skin-

   22. MRMel Robbins13:31

       Mm-hmm

   23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee13:31

       ... because the reason I'm asking on this, I think a lot of people, myself included, have struggled to take praise in the past.

   24. MRMel Robbins13:40

       Mm-hmm.

   25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee13:40

       And you say all kinds of things to sort of, you know, battle it off or just, you know, you take it, but you feel a bit uncomfortable maybe with that praise, and I'm just interested on a personal level-

   26. MRMel Robbins13:51

       Yeah

   27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee13:51

       ... how has that been for you?

   28. MRMel Robbins13:54

       Well, um-

   29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee13:56

       Was it hard at times?

   30. MRMel Robbins13:58

       I'll tell you when it's hard. It's hard when I'm with a friend or when I'm with, um, like a family member, and, um, I know that it's annoying to somebody else because they see it sort of in the lane of celebrity, and it's not a celebrity experience at all. I have no interest in being famous. I have no interest in being considered a celebrity. I personally don't consider myself a celebrity.
4. 22:07 – 30:55

   The Origin of the 5 Second Rule and Expertise from Lived Experience

   1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee22:07

      yet you're not a doctor.

   2. MRMel Robbins22:10

      Mm-hmm.

   3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee22:11

      And I find that fantastic because I think the majority of what we see now as medical doctors, I think 80% to 90% is in some way related to our collective modern lifestyles, how we're living, and we're stressing out, or we're overworking, and we, we get anx- anxious thoughts, and we're not-- You know, this is what's driving our real health. So the question then I have for you is, as you say, you're not a trained, I guess, therapist or medical doctor, yet you're helping people with their mental, physical, and emotional health.

   4. MRMel Robbins22:45

      Mm-hmm.

   5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee22:46

      Why do you think that is?

   6. MRMel Robbins22:48

      Um, well, you know, I think that, um, there's a couple things. One is I do have expertise because my expertise comes from lived experience-

   7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee22:59

      Yeah

   8. MRMel Robbins22:59

      ... and from sitting in a therapist's chair getting therapy for five to 10 years [laughs] off and on. It comes from taking medication for 25 years. That doesn't mean I can prescribe it, but it means my life has been saved by it. It, uh, comes from, um, studying this stuff because what happens when you invent something like The 5 Second Rule and perfect strangers start to tell you that they're counting backwards, five, four, three, two, one, just like they saw you doing on YouTube, Mel, and it's impacting major issues in their life, from losing 100-plus pounds to staying sober to st- We know of 110 people who have stopped themselves from attempting suicide. Um, y- for me personally, I feel a responsibility to understand why something like that works.

   9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee23:56

      Yeah.

   10. MRMel Robbins23:57

       And then when somebody invites you to come to Starbucks or JPMorgan because they've seen your videos and they want you to, uh, come talk about how The 5 Second Rule can help a company change its culture or help a company change or help people who work somewhere be less stressed or more courageous, you better be able to show up and explain exactly why counting backwards, five, four, three, two, one, can be proven using science and studies and case studies and the examples of real-life people around the world. And so what was interesting is when I invented The 5 Second Rule and this little technique, I was simply a woman who was 40 years old With three kids under the age of 10, who was unemployed, $800,000 in debt because my husband and his best friend went into the restaurant business. It was fabulous for a while, and then it was the restaurant business.

   11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee24:55

       Yeah.

   12. MRMel Robbins24:55

       And like complete morons, we had secured everything with everything we owned. And so when the things get bad in 2008-

   13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee25:03

       Uh-huh

   14. MRMel Robbins25:03

       ... and, uh, the market turns, and the housing crisis happens, and the restaurants start to go under, the liens hit our house. We lost everything. I mean, I, I, we n- we didn't go bankrupt. I mean, just by the grace of God. I had such crushing anxiety, despite the Zoloft. I couldn't get out of bed.

   15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee25:22

       Yeah.

   16. MRMel Robbins25:22

       And so the five-second rule, whether you call it an act of desperation or divine intervention, I think it's divine intervention, because it sounds stupid. I mean, the idea was simply when I wake up, that anxiety is so dark, and I would lay at the ceil- I would lay in the bed, and I would stare at the ceiling. And I would think, "We're gonna lose the house, and I'm a failure, and I hate my husband, and nobody can find out, and what am I gonna do?" And just, like, "How did my life end up like this?" And just on and on and on and on. And the more I thought, the, the deeper the hole was. I, I had this idea that, "God, maybe if I move fast enough-

   17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee26:01

       Yeah

   18. MRMel Robbins26:01

       ... when the alarm rang, if I got out of the bed fast enough, maybe I'd beat the anxiety. Maybe I wouldn't be in the bed." So I decided I'd launch myself out of bed like a rocket. That's where the counting backwards came. Little did I know that when you count backwards, you interrupt the habit loops in your basal ganglia, and you draw your focus to your prefrontal cortex. Little did I know this would become one of the most powerful starting rituals in habit research on the planet. Little did I know that this little brain hack is a form of metacognition that allows you to interrupt any thinking or behavior pattern and give you a moment of what psychologists call objectivity, so you can choose what you do next.

   19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee26:45

       Yeah.

   20. MRMel Robbins26:46

       And so, you know, you see that quote all over Instagram, right? And all over social media. You know, it's not what happens, it's, you know, how you respond, and that's where your power is. But if you're a person, and life is overwhelming, and life is happening, you're like, "Life is not happening for me. Fuck off." Like, what do you, what do you mean it's choose how I respond? I don't even know... I can't even get out of bed. Like, and so the five, four, three, two, one becomes a how. It's the tool you need to cut through the noise and the fear and the anxiety and grab just a moment where you can take control, and that's why it works. That's why therapists use it around the world. That's why it works with reframing triggers associated with PCSD. I mean, it's just an, an unbelievably, unbelievable-

   21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee27:30

       It, it is such a great tool. In fact, um, not only does Steph use it, who we've already mentioned. Um, I was telling my son about it last night. He's only 11.

   22. MRMel Robbins27:40

       Mm-hmm.

   23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee27:41

       And, you know, I often talk to the kids about the podcast. Say, "Daddy, who, who are you talking to tomorrow?" I say, "Well, I'm talking to someone called Mel Robbins." And then, you know, I got him to go and do high five in the mirror. I'll tell you about that a little bit later. But, and then I told him about this five, four, three, two, one rule. And this morning, over breakfast, he says, "Daddy, it actually works. I was really tired." And he had to get up for school, so I said, "Five, four, three, two, one," got out of bed.

   24. MRMel Robbins28:03

       Yeah.

   25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee28:03

       "Five, four, three, two, one," put my school uniform on. And I was like, "This is so cool." Like, actually-

   26. MRMel Robbins28:08

       It's really cool

   27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee28:09

       ... yeah, but it's great. Adults use it. You know, grown, responsible adults. Young kids are using it as well, and it's-

   28. MRMel Robbins28:15

       And you can use it in any language, any age, any education, any situation where you're thinking about what you need to do, and you've got to f- five, four, three, two, one, push yourself-

   29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee28:28

       Yeah

   30. MRMel Robbins28:28

       ... to do it. And, um, you know, I love that you shared it with him. I love also, this is the other thing that I love about the stuff that, that, that, whatever I've created, is that your son can now stick it in his back pocket.
5. 30:55 – 37:47

   Broadening Who We Count as Experts

   1. MRMel Robbins30:55

      Well, you know, it's so interesting that we're going here because, you know, I personally do believe in experts, and I believe in credentials, and I think that it is important that there are controls, that-

   2. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee31:07

      Yeah

   3. MRMel Robbins31:08

      ... you know, you need to be a medical doctor to prescribe medicine. You know, I... Do I think that there needs to be innovation everywhere? Of course. I'm super excited about all the plant-based medicines, but I also feel like they need some serious controls-

   4. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee31:21

      Yeah

   5. MRMel Robbins31:22

      ... uh, in place, that you can't just, in my opinion, um, I think it can be terrifying to think of somebody with a lifetime of trauma who is not in the hands of a medical expert-

   6. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee31:34

      Yeah

   7. MRMel Robbins31:34

      ... uh, when they're trying some of these new therapies. Um, I personally have tried them, uh, in, you know, with medical experts, and they've been life-changing for trauma, but I worry about people kind of road tripping on-

   8. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee31:49

      Yeah

   9. MRMel Robbins31:49

      ... this stuff. And so I do believe in expertise, and I do believe in making sure that there are studies and that there's safety protocols and that experts are respected. And so I think that's important. But I think what you're saying is we have come to a point in our society where it is important to expand the categories-

   10. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee32:16

       Yeah

   11. MRMel Robbins32:17

       ... of what we deem to be expertise. So for example, there is traditional medicine, right? The MD. My dad happens to be a DO, um, which when he was a DO, way more kind of pooh-poohed on 'cause it's a little bit more holistic-

   12. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee32:32

       Yeah

   13. MRMel Robbins32:32

       ... in terms of the training, but he's an orthopedic surgeon.

   14. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee32:35

       And, and for pe- and for people in the UK, that's osteopath.

   15. MRMel Robbins32:37

       Yeah, he's an osteopath-

   16. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee32:38

       Yeah, yeah

   17. MRMel Robbins32:38

       ... uh, who was a, an orthopedic surgeon in the United States. And, you know, now let's take a look at the fact that what clearly needs to happen in the medical, um, field is a way more holistic approach and a focus on the whole person and health rather than treating illness. And there's so many different ways to treat things rather than just prescription drugs. And so people's expertise in these areas, super important to recognize it in new ways, super important to, you know, really make sure it's safe in new ways. And what kind of frust mates- frustrates me at times is because the two letters after my name are JD, juris doctor, I'm a trained lawyer, right? But they're not MD, or they're not MA, or they're not the social work degree. Even though I have been studying this for 10 years and I have clinicians using what I'm talking about.

   18. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee33:38

       Yeah.

   19. MRMel Robbins33:38

       And I have an en- I had an entire wing of, uh, nurses from an inpatient psychiatric ward in Philadelphia come to my daytime talk show, and they told me, aside from prescription medication, the one tool that they can give somebody when they leave an inpatient commitment for suicidal ideation, severe depression, the one tool that really works is The 5 Second Rule, because it's simple-

   20. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee34:04

       Yeah

   21. MRMel Robbins34:05

       ... and somebody in crisis can remember it, and it works. And yet nobody recognizes me as an expert in mental health.

   22. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee34:16

       Yeah.

   23. MRMel Robbins34:16

       People will call me a motivational speaker. They'll call me, you know, whatever, she's a this, she's a that. And the fact is, I have... You know, with, with The High Five Habit, that was a year-long research project.

   24. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee34:26

       Yeah.

   25. MRMel Robbins34:27

       We have a, um, a, a study that we've done. It's called The High Five Challenge. We've had 137,000 people from 91 countries take a five-day challenge online, fully monitored, that we have created.

   26. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee34:43

       Yeah.

   27. MRMel Robbins34:43

       In the last 32 days, that many people have rolled through this thing, and not one person has reported that they did not experience positive change. Now, is that an academic study? Probably not. But it's good enough for me. And so it's interesting because I often find that, you know, I, I was really flattered when you invited me on because you are a doctor.

   28. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee35:08

       Yeah.

   29. MRMel Robbins35:09

       And it's taken a while for people to realize, 'cause I think a lot of people hear 5 Second Rule or The High Five Habit and they're like, "Oh, God, here goes, uh." And the truth is there is so much-

   30. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee35:21

       Yeah
6. 37:47 – 50:31

   What Is the High Five Habit? The April 2020 Breakthrough

   1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee37:47

      Well, let's get to that. Well, why don't we, why don't you explain what is The High Five Habit, right?

   2. MRMel Robbins37:51

      Sure, sure.

   3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee37:53

      Um, because I'd love to hear about those sort of experiences.

   4. MRMel Robbins37:55

      Yeah. So, you know, in its simplest terms, I'm on a mission to get every human being in the world to add one simple thing to their morning routine, and it is called The High Five Habit, and here's what it is. Every morning after you brush your teeth and you get that gunk out of your mouth so you're not spreading that nasty breath everywhere, okay? I want you to take a moment, put your toothbrush down, and look at the human being in the mirror. That's not your reflection. That is a human being who needs you, a human being who's beaten down, who feels forgotten, who is so sick and tired of your criticism, and I want you to just stand there and look at them and take a moment, because the rest of your day is gonna be about everybody else, and then I don't want you to say a thing. This is the genius of this habit. You can be on your lowest morning, which I was when I... Again, divine in- intervention or stupidity. You can be the judge, right? It was April 2020, and I was, uh, having a moment in my life where I just felt overwhelmed by life. I was waking up. The anxiety had come back. I felt like life was unfair. I had lost my dream job. Um, we were in the middle of the pandemic. My kids were in a state of huge grief and anger and frustration 'cause university, you know, had closed, and, you know, now they're dealing with it. Um, I had a bunch of sp- Like, all of a sudden, my business is imploding and, you know, don't forget, just over 10 years ago, I was in a crisis financially where my husband and I were about to lose every... We couldn't even pay for groceries. My dad was lending us money.

   5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee39:50

      Yeah.

   6. MRMel Robbins39:50

      And so it was triggering all of that, and I was thinking this, like, "What the... I've worked so hard. I'm a good person. Like, I'm-- How could you be doing this to me? Like, I don't deser-" Like, just-

   7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee40:00

      And, and you'd, you were pretty successful at that point already.

   8. MRMel Robbins40:03

      Oh, my God.

   9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee40:04

      Right?

   10. MRMel Robbins40:04

       Successful?

   11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee40:05

       You'd done a-

   12. MRMel Robbins40:06

       I was the number one motivational, female motivational speaker in the world. I had a daytime syndicated talk show-

   13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee40:12

       Yeah

   14. MRMel Robbins40:12

       ... in the United States, so 175 shows a year giving advice. I, um, you know, had The Five Second Rule book, which was self-published and a huge, millions of copies sold. Um-

   15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee40:25

       But I think that's the powerful thing about this story. Even with all that success-

   16. MRMel Robbins40:29

       Mm-hmm

   17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee40:29

       ... you were still wracked with self-doubt and anxiety and-

   18. MRMel Robbins40:35

       Of course

   19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee40:35

       ... negative thoughts.

   20. MRMel Robbins40:36

       Because I hadn't had the biggest breakthrough of my entire life yet, and I had it-

   21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee40:43

       Yeah

   22. MRMel Robbins40:43

       ... one morning in April of 2020. You see, The Five Second Rule is extraordinary, but it doesn't address what I believe is everybody's fundamental issue, and everybody's fundamental issue is that you either hate yourself or you do nothing but judge yourself. And this habit of relentless self-criticism and relentless self-rejection is the reason why you're unhappy. It's the reason why you're never satisfied. It's the reason why you can't take a compliment and why you're uncomfortable feeling celebrated, and it all comes down to the fact that when you stand in front of the mirror every single morning, you have this really subtle way that's not so subtle of starting your day by rejecting yourself. And I'm gonna unpack this 'cause it's unbelievably powerful when you start to truly understand this.

   23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee41:54

       Yeah.

   24. MRMel Robbins41:54

       Because if you can't look in the mirror and authentically see a human being that you respect, that you encourage, that you like, that you're cheering for... I'm gonna even leave love off the table because I think that is so unattainable for where people are right now. Let's just go with can you accept yourself? Can you like yourself? Can you see a person that's worthy of support, worthy of your encouragement? Can we just start with that baseline? Because from my research, the average person cannot. From my research, 50% of men and women do not or cannot look at themselves in the mirror because they are either disgusted by the person they see or they are disappointed by them. And for those of us that can look in the mirror- We're still rejecting ourselves because we focus on what we don't like, or we start to mindlessly think about all the things that we haven't done right or that we didn't do yet. You know, on this particular morning, April 2020, I'm overwhelmed by my life. I drag myself into the bathroom. I immediately see my reflection and I'm like, "Ugh, God, you look like hell."

   25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee43:15

       Yeah.

   26. MRMel Robbins43:16

       I start ticking off all the things, the saggy neck, one boob lower than the other.

   27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee43:20

       [laughs]

   28. MRMel Robbins43:20

       Like, you know, how exhausted I look, the gray hair coming in, how old I'm starting to seem.

   29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee43:26

       Yeah.

   30. MRMel Robbins43:26

       And then the mind, once it goes negative, keeps going in that direction unless you're five, four, three, two, one, not thinking about that. But, so my mind's, like, going down the drain. I'm like, "Why'd I get up so late? I got a Zoom call in eight minutes. God, you didn't even, you know, text him back yet, and the dog still needs to be..." And I'm like, the beat down, the boom, boom, boom starts. And, you know, I don't know what came over me, but that morning standing there-
7. 50:31 – 1:03:40

   Why the High Five Works: Neuroassociation, Dopamine and Bypassing Words

   1. MRMel Robbins50:31

      you are.

   2. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee50:31

      You think, you think it's more powerful than the five, four, three, two, one habit?

   3. MRMel Robbins50:34

      Hell yes, I do.

   4. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee50:35

      Yeah.

   5. MRMel Robbins50:35

      Hell yes, because the five, four, three, two, one is a tool that will push you to take action. Five, four, three, two, one is a tool you use to cut off the worries that trigger anxiety. Five, four, three, two, one is a tool that you use to create a moment of objectivity and control when you're normally triggered so you can consciously choose a different response.

   6. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee50:57

      Yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins50:57

      The high five habit goes all the way down to the core of who you are and how you treat yourself, and when you become a human being who has compassion for yourself, who likes you, it won't matter what happens out there.

   8. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee51:13

      Yeah.

   9. MRMel Robbins51:14

      Because everything in here is healed and taken care of. And so, like, you know, somebody can say to me, "I don't love you anymore, I don't like you," it'll sting, but it doesn't change the fact that I still like myself.

   10. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee51:29

       Yeah.

   11. MRMel Robbins51:29

       Because I practice and demonstrate it. That's the difference.

   12. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee51:32

       Yeah. And, and that's, I think, the hidden magic in the high five habit is... 'Cause I've been trying it the last few days, right? You-

   13. MRMel Robbins51:40

       And what did you experience?

   14. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee51:42

       It, it is powerful because-

   15. MRMel Robbins51:46

       Well, walk us through. Like, you're-

   16. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee51:47

       You have to-

   17. MRMel Robbins51:47

       ... standing at your bathroom sink.

   18. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee51:49

       Yeah, you-

   19. MRMel Robbins51:49

       And walk us through your experience.

   20. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee51:51

       Well, first of all, you have to take a pause from your life. Whatever you were going to do, it requires an intentional pause to go, "No, I'm going to now do this action for myself." And I've gotta say, before I tell you how it went, I think it would've been very different for me a few years ago.

   21. MRMel Robbins52:11

       Mm.

   22. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee52:11

       Because I feel self-compassion, you know, not seeking your worth from outside, from other people, from download numbers, likes, what people say about you, which was a huge part of my life.

   23. MRMel Robbins52:30

       Mm-hmm.

   24. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee52:30

       I feel that having put a lot of that to bed now and really feeling that I actually like the person I see in the mirror these days. So I kinda feel five years ago I would've had a different experience with it, but it was still powerful because you are just looking at yourself, and you're, you're putting your hand on the mirror, and I think what it is, it's just that pause, that moment of seeing me. Like, you are seeing yourself.

   25. MRMel Robbins53:03

       Mm-hmm.

   26. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee53:04

       And, like, I don't know. You know, obviously as a guy, what do we do? We're often looking in the mirror. Um, we might be looking at our beard as we're shaving, right?

   27. MRMel Robbins53:12

       Yeah.

   28. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee53:12

       But you're not looking at your eyes.

   29. MRMel Robbins53:14

       Mm-hmm.

   30. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee53:14

       Right? You're just looking at, "Oh, I need to shave. Oh, I missed a bit here. Let me get rid of that," and then you crack on, right? Or you, you look at your face and your hair, but you're not really looking at yourself.
8. 1:03:40 – 1:05:29

   Self-Help Is Free: Starting Your Day Differently

   1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:03:40

      Yeah, I, I, I, I love that last point, Mel, because the similarities between the way you talk about this and the way I've been talking about certain behaviors and five-minute habits for years-

   2. MRMel Robbins1:03:52

      Mm.

   3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:03:53

      They are so connected. And one of the things I often say, w- and I wanna just acknowledge you for what you just said, it's, it's not gonna change your life situation. You know, if you're, if you're in poverty, you're still gonna be in poverty, but you're gonna be a different person. You're gonna be better able to face the stresses that are in your life.

   4. MRMel Robbins1:04:14

      Yes.

   5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:04:14

      And, and I think this is such an important point, right? Because I have said this before on the show, but, but I, but I, I always think it's worth reiterating that a lot of people feel that self-help or wellness is the preserve of the wealthy and the middle classes. But actually, habits like this, yes, they'll help someone who's got a ton of money in their bank accounts, [laughs] 'cause a lot of people like that are, are racked with self-doubt on the inside as well, but it's also gonna help someone who is in poverty, or a single mom who's working two jobs and has got three kids and is really struggling. That little micro-moment each morning where she sees herself in the mirror, she signals to her brain that she is worthy, that actually she's a human being with real feelings, and for all her qualities and all her, you know, all the great things that she's doing, that has power, right?

   6. MRMel Robbins1:05:12

      Oh, my God.

   7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:05:13

      And it is free.

   8. MRMel Robbins1:05:14

      Amazing power.

   9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:05:14

      It is free.

   10. MRMel Robbins1:05:15

       Free. [laughs]

   11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:05:15

       There's not a single person, pretty much, who is listening to this or watching this right now who couldn't just either pause or at the end go, "All right, let me, uh..." I'm, I'm convinced, Mel. Like, oh, I'm gonna give this a go.

   12. MRMel Robbins1:05:28

       Yeah.

   13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:05:28

       I'm gonna give this a go.

   14. MRMel Robbins1:05:29

       Yeah.

9. 1:05:29 – 1:19:13

   Resistance, Shame and Chris's Five Days

   1. MRMel Robbins1:05:29

      Well, first of all, don't rush it. Don't rush it. So don't go into the bathroom and slap the mirror and be like, "I didn't feel anything." Um, I want you to, again, as you so rightly put, take a minute and just look at yourself, because for most people, that's the hardest part. I mentioned that, you know, I get smarter and I learn so much from every comment and people that write their stories in, and one person, uh, Allison Bird, a friend of mine, who made my ability to explain the depth of this so much deeper because she said one thing to me when she tried it before the book came out. She said, "You know, I think it's working. I kind of feel, I feel energized." I said, "But you know what surprised me, Mel?" I said, "What?" She goes, "The resistance."

   2. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:06:19

      [laughs]

   3. MRMel Robbins1:06:20

      I said, "The resistance? What are you talking about?" She's like, "Oh, first couple days I did this, I stood in front of that mirror and I... There was something in me that's like, I didn't, I couldn't even raise my hand. There was this resistance." And so I'm like, "Oh, that's interesting." And so I, of course, put something out, "Hey," to the 700,000 people on the newsletter list, "anybody trying this and feel any resistance?" We write to everybody that's in our little test group. Anybody feel... Holy cow. There... It turns out that most people do not have an immediate positive, "Oh, I'm doing this"-

   4. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:07:02

      Yeah

   5. MRMel Robbins1:07:02

      ... reaction. Most people have massive resistance to even trying it, and I wanna explain why, because this is extraordinarily sad, and it also is an enormous opportunity for growth. Because I believe- Based on having 136,000 people go through a five-day challenge online that we're monitoring in an app from 91 countries and seeing what they're reporting, I know that this takes five days to work. Five days before you have an enormous breakthrough in how you see and relate to yourself. Five days before the chemical, physiological, neurological, physical, and psychological change starts to go, "Holy cow, this is crazy this works like this." And so the resistance comes from self-judgment-

   6. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:07:59

      Yeah

   7. MRMel Robbins1:07:59

      ... and self-condemnation. And I'm gonna tell you a story to drive this home. For people who stand in the bathroom mirror when they try the High Five Habit and they feel this resistance in their body, first of all, let me say, it's really normal to think this is weird because it is, okay? It, it just sounds so cheesy. I-- for those of us that grew up with Saturday Night Live, you're gonna think of Stuart Smiley. You know, "I'm nice. People like me," that skit they used to do about the guy who talked to himself in the mirror. You're gonna stand there and go, "Seriously, Dr. Chatterjee and Mel Robbins, you two have lost your mind." But okay. If it's weird as you do it, that's a sign it's working.

   8. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:08:39

      Yeah.

   9. MRMel Robbins1:08:39

      So Dr. Leaf told me, "Oh, well, that's what it feels like when a new neural pathway is getting plowed." So if it feels weird, good, because we're teaching you to do the opposite of criticizing yourself.

   10. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:08:49

       Yeah.

   11. MRMel Robbins1:08:50

       But the resistance is something else. The resistance is the fact that every morning as you start your day, you drag your entire past into the bathroom with you. And if you're somebody who has experienced trauma or been abused or abandoned or neglected or grew up with chaos and addiction or you've been the victim of a crime or you're constantly having to deal with discrimination or violence, all stuff that you're not responsible for, there are a lot of people who take all of that from their past, and when they look at themselves, they see somebody who's damaged, they see somebody who's unworthy, they see somebody who is unlovable because of those things. And what the High Five starts to become when you do it is it becomes literally an act of defiance. It becomes an act of strength.

   12. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:09:43

       Yeah.

   13. MRMel Robbins1:09:43

       It becomes a sign that I'm a survivor. It becomes permission to heal. It becomes this deep sense of feeling and knowing where you are and the fact that you have an extraordinary future despite all of the pain and suffering that you have endured and survived. And then there are people that bring everything they regret, all the shame, all the regret, all... So the cheating, the lying, the stealing-

   14. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:10:11

       Yeah

   15. MRMel Robbins1:10:11

       ... the hurt you've caused yourself or other people, the missed opportunities. And boy, did I get an unbelievable example of this in my own life. So, you know, I was doing the High Five Habit myself, and during the early days of the pandemic, my husband had just been diagnosed with depression, and he's a super healthy guy. He is a certified Buddhist meditation instructor.

   16. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:10:41

       Wow.

   17. MRMel Robbins1:10:41

       He leads men's retreats called Soul Degree. He's a yoga instructor. He's wildly involved with our community-

   18. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:10:49

       Yeah

   19. MRMel Robbins1:10:49

       ... and with our family. He's a super high-functioning guy. But it's just-- he's just felt heavy. He's-- there's been, like, a cloud there, like a heaviness to him. Like no-- there's no light between his eyes.

   20. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:11:04

       Yeah.

   21. MRMel Robbins1:11:04

       And so thankfully, you know, his therapist, uh, finally got him to go see a psychopharmacologist and somebody to do the advanced testing. They're like, "Dude, you have dysthymia. You have, like, really long-term depression. Like, you're lucky you've been doing all this stuff 'cause it's kept you alive." And, you know, I turn to him at one point, I've been doing this for a couple days, or a couple weeks rather, and I'm like, "You know, I know I'm not your doctor, and I know I'm not an expert in your mental health, but I really think you should try this High Five thing. I really think it's gonna help you with this depression." He's like, "I'm not High Five. It is the stupidest thing."

   22. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:11:39

       [laughs]

   23. MRMel Robbins1:11:39

       "I don't care what you're doing. No." And I'm like, "Okay, if you won't do it for yourself, would you just do it for me? Would you do it for five days? 'Cause we're in the middle of researching this now, and I, like, I, I haven't even shared it with my audience yet, and I'm kind of, like, writing down in my journal what I'm feeling, and I've got a couple people on the team. Would you just do it for me?" He's like, "All right." So he kinda did the first one, like, "Are you happy?" You know, s- typical spouse thing.

   24. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:12:03

       Yeah. [laughs]

   25. MRMel Robbins1:12:03

       Like, "Eh," you know? So he did it for five days, and then I asked him what he thought. And he said, "You're onto something really big." And I said, "Why do you say that?" And, um... I had no idea how dark my husband's thoughts were. I had no idea how much he was condemning himself, how much shame he felt. Um, I knew that he was struggling with depression. I had no idea that for the past seven years, the man who has stood next to me at the bathroom sink next to me would look up at the mirror and see a person that he hated. He saw a person that had failed. He believed that since the restaurant business didn't work, and since it left us 800 grand in debt, and that his wife had to go out and make the money- ... that he was the world's worst father, the world's worst husband, and he has been condemning himself every day for seven years. And the reason he thought the high five was stupid is because you only high five people you care about, you only high five people who are winning, and he of all people didn't deserve it. And for me, you know, I knew that he was struggling with shame around the restaurant business. I knew he was struggling with the amount of debt that we had and the fact that, you know, he had l- you know, they, investors lost money. Like I, I... For me, I had a totally f- different experience. I'm like, "You guys worked at that for eight years? You made your investors whole?" Like, you know, like, hello, entrepreneurship? Like, you know, we wouldn't have the five second rule without it. Are you kidding? Like, woo-hoo, we're winning. This is amazing. Like, I didn't... His business partner had the same, like, he was proud of what they built, proud of how hard they worked. Chris, for whatever reason, that was not his story.

   26. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:14:34

       Yeah.

   27. MRMel Robbins1:14:34

       His story was condemnation, regret, shame. He could only see a failure. And, you know, what was wild about that is, you know, I've for years talked Chris up. I for years have told him how proud I am of him. I f- you know, he's, he was the CFO of the business as my company, as the company was taking off.

   28. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:14:56

       Yeah.

   29. MRMel Robbins1:14:56

       Like, he owns half of it. Like, he's an integral part of everything.

   30. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:15:01

       Yeah.
10. 1:19:13 – 1:22:21

    Success Isn't Self-Love: The TED Talk Panic and Moving Targets

    1. MRMel Robbins1:19:13

       The UK study?

    2. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:19:15

       Yeah, but also, do you know Professor Kristin Neff? Um-

    3. MRMel Robbins1:19:17

       I don't. Huh.

    4. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:19:18

       She's-- You would love her work. Um, and she has been studying this for about 20 years or so.

    5. MRMel Robbins1:19:24

       Mm.

    6. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:19:24

       And she came on the show, and she was talking about how the research shows that People who are compassionate to themselves, they're healthier, they're happier, they're more productive. You know, it's, it's not the narrative that we think we have to beat ourselves up, and when we beat ourselves up, that motivates us to take action. Um, although I think this is a interesting point-

    7. MRMel Robbins1:19:45

       Mm-hmm

    8. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:19:46

       ... right? Because if I look at you, Mel-

    9. MRMel Robbins1:19:48

       Yeah

    10. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:19:49

        ... and I've been researching you for the past few days.

    11. MRMel Robbins1:19:52

        Uh-oh.

    12. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:19:53

        I've been... This morning, I watched your TED Talk. Uh-

    13. MRMel Robbins1:19:56

        Do you know that's, like, a 21-minute-long panic attack?

    14. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:19:59

        I do, because I heard you talk about that, and I wanna address that a little bit-

    15. MRMel Robbins1:20:02

        Okay

    16. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:20:02

        ... because I think it's interesting. So you do a TED Talk that certainly was uploaded in 2011, and is close to 30 million views now, right? So one of the most watched TED Talks of all time, I would imagine. Probably top 10, I would guess.

    17. MRMel Robbins1:20:16

        Yeah, I think top 20 anyway.

    18. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:20:18

        W- which-

    19. MRMel Robbins1:20:18

        Maybe longer. I don't know.

    20. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:20:19

        Okay. So you, you know, the outside world, much of society would look at that and go, "Oh, Mel Robbins is crushing it. She has just nailed a TED Talk, and it's gone viral." Now, you're saying that you had a panic attack the whole time, right? So let's just think for a minute. You're getting the external success, but inside, you are eating yourself up-

    21. MRMel Robbins1:20:46

        Mm-hmm

    22. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:20:46

        ... with worry, right?

    23. MRMel Robbins1:20:47

        Mm-hmm.

    24. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:20:48

        Then we fast-forward, let's say nine, 10 years.

    25. MRMel Robbins1:20:51

        Uh-huh.

    26. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:20:52

        April 2020, you are successful-

    27. MRMel Robbins1:20:55

        Yeah

    28. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:20:55

        ... speaker, motivational coach, you know, best-selling, uh, author, and you're struggling with self-doubt in front of the mirror. So is there this slight clash here somewhere where actually you can be successful and not love yourself, and be wracked with self-doubts?

    29. MRMel Robbins1:21:17

        I think everybody is.

    30. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:21:19

        Yeah.
11. 1:22:21 – 1:38:36

    Life Jacket Through Setbacks and Winning Deep

    1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:22:21

       Right?

    2. MRMel Robbins1:22:21

       Great. Apply for one.

    3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:22:22

       Yeah.

    4. MRMel Robbins1:22:23

       You can do it if I... If I can frigging do it, you can do it.

    5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:22:25

       But they might also be thinking, "Well, that is, that is success. You've had that even though you were wracked with these problems on the inside."

    6. MRMel Robbins1:22:34

       Yeah.

    7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:22:34

       And they may think, "You know what? I'll take that. I- I'll take that success." Um, and I think this comes to this wider societal point, which is we confuse, sometimes, success with happiness.

    8. MRMel Robbins1:22:48

       When you anchor your happiness to doing things-

    9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:22:53

       Yeah

    10. MRMel Robbins1:22:53

        ... it's always out of your control. When you anchor success to the crap you achieve, it is always a moving target.

    11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:23:02

        Yeah.

    12. MRMel Robbins1:23:02

        And so, you know, I... It's, it's a really hard concept to wrap your brain around, because first of all, there's the research that shows, at least in Western countries, that, you know, there's the baseline with money. 75 grand is the baseline that when somebody makes 75 grand or more, there's this happiness thing that... I can't remember how the exact study goes, but it makes a lot of sense, because as somebody who could not pay groceries with three kids, as somebody who had liens on her house, as somebody who was getting the bankruptcy letters in the mail, as somebody who was unemployed during this whole thing, and whose husband was bouncing the payroll checks and was running from one restaurant to the other to hide from the collectors that were showing up, I know what it's like to live with the cont- constant, relentless pressure that comes from having no money.

    13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:23:54

        Yeah.

    14. MRMel Robbins1:23:55

        And until you can get yourself to a state, ah, where you can take a deep breath and you can pay the bill-

    15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:24:05

        Yeah

    16. MRMel Robbins1:24:05

        ... and you can buy some groceries, and you can put some gas in the car, and the phone rings and it's not a collector, you are going to live a stressed out life because your basic needs are under threat.

    17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:24:19

        Yeah.

    18. MRMel Robbins1:24:20

        And that is a horrendously triggering thing to live through, and we lived through it for several years it was like that.

    19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:24:29

        Yeah.

    20. MRMel Robbins1:24:30

        And so, um, you know, there is a certain level of economic stability that has a direct impact on your happiness, on your safety as a person, and your ability to experience less stress. So I just wanted to be, you know, responsible about that-

    21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:24:50

        Yeah

    22. MRMel Robbins1:24:50

        ... 'cause I fricking lived it. And, um, but I do think that, you know, look, I use the 5 Second Rule. I certainly have found my calling. I love building stuff.

    23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:25:04

        Yeah.

    24. MRMel Robbins1:25:04

        I'm incredible as a businesswoman. I, um, love the game of making money. I love being smart in deal-making. I love content syndication. I'm super excited for NFTs and for how blockchain is going to change the role of being a creator. And so there's a part of this that's a real expression for me in terms of building a business.

    25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:25:27

        Yeah.

    26. MRMel Robbins1:25:27

        And The 5 Second Rule helped me take action, and The 5 Second Rule made me very productive, and The 5 Second Rule had me go, "No, I don't wanna do a talk show. No, I don't wanna do a talk show. No, I do not wanna do a talk show. Why are we still ta-" Like, I just... Oh, and, you know, this is interesting. When you say no- People want you more. I wish I knew that a long time ago. But so I, for sure, used the five-second rule to push myself to take the actions that have made me wildly successful. But that doesn't change the fact that I would look in the mirror-

    27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:25:59

        Yeah

    28. MRMel Robbins1:25:59

        ... and still see a person that I didn't like, and that as soon as The Five Second Rule book came out... Like I'll, I'll s- I'll, I'll give you an example. So I write the High Five Habit book. I'm practicing these tools, and I am also human. So when we get word two weeks before the book comes out that the big box stores like Target and Walmart in the United States are passing on my book because I'm not a known author, I get triggered, I punch the wall, I pour a gin martini, light up a joint. I call a bunch of friends and bitch up a storm.

    29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:26:40

        [laughs]

    30. MRMel Robbins1:26:41

        I am literally reliving being left out at a sleepover in middle school. I've got this gigantic, ridiculous story that, you know, it's, you know, I, I'm always left out. I'm never part of the group. Like, there's this group of, like, real authors that are all friends, that all per- like, you know, I, like-
12. 1:38:36 – 1:46:20

    Team Pats on the Back, and Panic over UK COVID Paperwork

    1. MRMel Robbins1:38:36

       Yeah, it's like the way that a team shakes off a bad play-

    2. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:38:41

       Yeah

    3. MRMel Robbins1:38:41

       ... and resets the game for themselves. And there's, you know, there's interesting research about that. In chapter two, as you know, it's where all the research is. People love hearing about the study with NBA teams-

    4. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:38:52

       Yeah

    5. MRMel Robbins1:38:52

       ... in the United States. So researchers at Berkeley wondered, are there habits in the preseason of the professional basketball league, uh, in the United States, habits in the preseason that can predict what teams are gonna have a winning record? And in fact, there are.

    6. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:39:09

       Yeah.

    7. MRMel Robbins1:39:09

       And, um, the habit in the preseason that determines what teams are gonna have the winningest records are the number of pats on the back, fist bumps, and high fives the team members give one another. And you know, it seems so implausible that The Wall Street Journal in 2011 did an independent study where they paid people to watch tapes and count it.

    8. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:39:31

       Yeah.

    9. MRMel Robbins1:39:31

       And in fact, it's true. And it's also true that the teams that had the least number of high fives, pats on the back, and fist bumps during the preseason had the worst records. Why? Well, you've already said it. When you high five somebody, you're building trust and partnership. You're in it together. When you d- withhold those gestures, you're selfish, you're judgmental, you're in it for yourself. And one of the things that's helping me now feel like I'm winning deep is the fact that I know that I'm in partnership with myself. And when you know you can count on yourself, you know that anything that happens, even a massive tragedy, even the biggest heartbreak or betrayal of your life, you know that you will, like those waves of life, come out the other side.

    10. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:40:29

        Yeah.

    11. MRMel Robbins1:40:29

        That it will suck for a period, but you know that you have within you the ability to get through it, and I think that's where n- my kinda grounded, deep winning sense comes from. And you know, that doesn't mean I'm not immune. I'll give you, I'll give you a, a, a real time example. So we've come here from the United States. I'm traveling with our 23-year-old daughter and, um, our COO, who's my sister-in-law. We've had an amazing time, and I was super proud and honored and excited, you know, that you had us on your podcast. And so last night, because it's COVID, we've gotta do all these tests, right? You gotta submit all this documentation to even come to the UK. Then when you arrive on day two, as you probably know, you've gotta do this two-day test. And then there's all this complicated stuff that you've gotta then upload in order to get a pass so that you can then, you know, be able to stay here, and then you gotta get another test, and you gotta get that test within a certain number of days, and you can't get that test unless you get the fir- like, it is so mind-blowingly stressful. And so last night we take the test, and it's the little, like, COVID-19 swab thing, and we take the photos and we upload them, and we go off to dinner and we come back and we're not approved yet. And my daughter starts going, "Oh my God. Well, what ha- what if this happens, and what if that? Does this mean we're gonna be get to go to Paris on Thursday? What if we can't get back into the United States? What if I actually do have COVID if I test on P..." Like, her, she's... And then I start going, "Oh my, you're right. What if I, what, what if we do get stuck here? What, w- you're, we do have to do a PCR test. Like, what, what do you mean w- if these don't come back? But they were supposed to... It says they were gonna come back in an hour, but they haven't come back in an hour. Is there something wrong? Did I not do..." But I like, the swarm- They did not come back last night. We woke up, and now I am fully... I haven't high-fived myself. I'm fully in the wake-up mode in the dark. It's 6:00 o'clock in the morning. We're over by High Street. We're in the hotel. My daughter's in the bed with me, and she wakes up and she's like, "Mom, are you awake?" I'm like, "Yeah." And she's like, "Did you check your email?" I'm like, "Mm-hmm." And she's like, "We don't have our results back, do we?" And I'm like, "No, we don't. We know we don't. They're negative. I know they're negative. They're negative." Like, I don't, you, you, ba, da, da, da, ba, da, ba, da."

    12. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:42:40

        Yeah.

    13. MRMel Robbins1:42:40

        "I had two COVID tests before I came here. I know they're negative. We've been wor-" Like, and so we're working ourselves into a frenzy. I walk into the bathroom, I look in the mirror, and I go, "Mel, [laughs] what if it works out? What, what if, what if you get to Paris and the PCR test is negative or positive?" Like, let's just go... Like, we weren't even worried about a positive test. We were worried that the form we had to submit somehow wasn't gonna get accepted so we wouldn't be able to leave. And then, like, it just became this craziness.

    14. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:43:13

        Just playing out all these fictional-

    15. MRMel Robbins1:43:16

        Yes, and we've all-

    16. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:43:17

        ... scenarios

    17. MRMel Robbins1:43:17

        ... had this happen, where your mind hijacks you.

    18. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:43:21

        Yeah.

    19. MRMel Robbins1:43:21

        By the way, the second I got on the train, we get the email. "Results are in, negative. You're good to go. You can leave the country." You know what I mean? So we're like, "Oh, thank God." I wasted probably five hours sort of ginning this thing up with my daughter, allowing my mind to take me down a road that was absolutely ridiculous, which is part of the human experience. And it was, honest to God, a high five in the mirror and that pause And this kinda like you c- this is gonna be okay. And then my favorite kinda mantra when I remember to use it is, what if it all works out? What if? And then I say, "Well, Sawyer, what if it all works out? Like, let's just play this out. Let's just say we can't leave Britain. You've always said you wanna live in London."

    20. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:44:11

        [laughs]

    21. MRMel Robbins1:44:12

        "Let's just say we can't, we can't get home for Thanksgiving. Maybe Dad and those two come over."

    22. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:44:16

        Yeah.

    23. MRMel Robbins1:44:16

        "What if it all works out?"

    24. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:44:19

        Yeah.

    25. MRMel Robbins1:44:19

        "What if I record the audiobook next week here in London or Paris instead of going back home to the States? What if it, what if we can't leave?"

    26. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:44:25

        Yeah. There's a-

    27. MRMel Robbins1:44:25

        "What if it all works out?"

    28. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:44:26

        There's a beautiful section in the book on that which, which I loved, and I think so many people will resonate with that. Maybe a different scenario-

    29. MRMel Robbins1:44:35

        Uh-huh

    30. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:44:35

        ... but this just hypothetical then you just bleed time and hours, and before you know it, the, the amount of energy you've wasted on that is just incredible, isn't it? And-
13. 1:46:20 – 1:57:35

    Emotional Waves, Venting and Relationships

    1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:46:20

       Yeah. And, and what I love about that, Mel, is we've got a choice in life, right? You can choose not to believe that. You can choose to believe that, "I didn't get that job. Man, that was my dream job. Everything would've been perfect. It was in the right city, the right salary. I've been working for that." You can do that.

    2. MRMel Robbins1:46:41

       Mm-hmm.

    3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:46:42

       But where's that gonna get you? Like, the choice to believe that actually something better is coming along, it is a choice, right?

    4. MRMel Robbins1:46:52

       Yep.

    5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:46:52

       And by making that choice, as hard as it may be in that moment, your shoulders drop. You feel calmer. You feel stressed. You're much more likely to see the opportunities that are on the other side of that than if you are caught up in that stress mode. I mean, you've, you've written... I, I've, I've read about how what stress does to the brain, right?

    6. MRMel Robbins1:47:13

       Right.

    7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:47:13

       When you're in that panic-

    8. MRMel Robbins1:47:14

       Right

    9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:47:14

       ... what does that do?

    10. MRMel Robbins1:47:15

        Yeah. Well, if the, if, if all of a sudden we smelled smoke and the fire alarm went off, you and I would not be able to do a math problem.

    11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:47:22

        Yeah.

    12. MRMel Robbins1:47:22

        Because your nervous system takes over and goes into fight or flight, which then impairs your brain's ability to focus on something rationally-

    13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:47:29

        Yeah

    14. MRMel Robbins1:47:29

        ... or strategically. And so you just made me think of something that I think is really helpful to understand. I know it was really helpful for me to understand this point, and it relates to this, um, this story about me all of a sudden getting freaked out and stressed out about the fact that our documents were not uploading to the UK, you know-

    15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:47:53

        Yeah

    16. MRMel Robbins1:47:53

        ... passport thing. Um, you can choose what you tell yourself about a situation that's happening. But it was helpful for me when I started to understand that your emotional waves and your nervous system response happens before your thoughts appear. And so it's really important for everybody to realize you will not be able to control the fact that there will be moments when you're disappointed, moments when you feel rage, moments when you feel betrayed, moments when you feel pissed off, moments when you feel short-changed, moments when you feel aggravated, and these waves come over you. You will never be able to control those from coming up. But you can choose what you are going to tell yourself about what's happening. And the other thing is is that when it comes to trauma, I mean, all of this is sort of dysregulation in your nervous system that's stored there that keeps getting re-triggered. And so if you're dealing with a trauma response, you will not be able to also think your way through it first. And part of what has really helped me is when I started to understand, oh, the wave of emotion and feeling comes before my brain can actually help me get back in control.

    17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:49:22

        Yeah.

    18. MRMel Robbins1:49:22

        And so when I started to understand that, oh, there's gonna be these waves of emotion, don't resist them. Let them come. Feel it. Like, I'm somebody that likes to hyper-process.

    19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:49:32

        Yeah.

    20. MRMel Robbins1:49:32

        That's my weird word for it, which is basically, um, I will say, "I feel really pissed off." Like, I just express it because it feels like it expels it. I'm working on not emotionally venting at people. I'm working on saying, pau- putting myself in pause and going, "Chris, honey, um- "Do you have the capacity to hear me, like, go rip shit about something that has nothing to do with you?" And he's like, "As a matter of fact, I do. Why don't you make yourself a drink and I'll sit down here with my glass of water and listen to you rip, Mel." You know, so, like, that kind of being responsible for-

    21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:50:06

        That is progress.

    22. MRMel Robbins1:50:07

        Yeah. Oh, that's huge progress.

    23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:50:08

        No, no, g- seriously, it sounds funny, but actually-

    24. MRMel Robbins1:50:11

        It's huge progress

    25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:50:13

        ... it is huge. It's kind of, it's a real awareness of the situation, isn't it? It's a real awareness of your emotions to go-

    26. MRMel Robbins1:50:19

        Oh

    27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:50:19

        ... "I now am about to un-rip."

    28. MRMel Robbins1:50:21

        Yes.

    29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:50:22

        "Let me just check that the person I love is okay for this." It's respectful.

    30. MRMel Robbins1:50:26

        Oh, g- I'm so happy you said this, because I just learned about this in our couples counseling. We're, like, go see this marriage therapist to, like, sort of just deal with our own stuff, and depression, and my stuff, and, and, and holy cow, I didn't realize that my turning to Chris, my best friend, my partner in life, my lover, my husband of 25 years, I never knew that in the past seven years when I would turn to him and just be like, "Blah, dah, dah, dah, dah, this, that, dah, dah, dah, the British fucking website's not doing the da, da, da, da, da, da," because part of his story is that I'm not a good husband, and I've failed in this business, and my wife is out there doing this, and I'm the one that should probably be making the money, and that makes me less of a man, and all of the garbage.
14. 1:57:35 – 2:04:23

    Who Resonates with the Work: Women, Men and Universal Habits

    1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:57:35

       Women v. men.

    2. MRMel Robbins1:57:36

       What do you mean?

    3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:57:40

       Have you noticed a difference in who really resonates with your work? Of course, we're all individuals, right?

    4. MRMel Robbins1:57:48

       Mm-hmm.

    5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:57:48

       There's no kind of women do this, men do that, right?

    6. MRMel Robbins1:57:51

       Right.

    7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:57:51

       There are certain patterns that you often see. I guess what got me thinking about that is you mentioned your husband before-

    8. MRMel Robbins1:57:59

       Right

    9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:58:00

       ... and how The High Five Habit has helped him, and how he finds that really, really helpful in his life. Since you put your work out there, are you seeing a trend that actually, you know, this is resonating more with women than men? And I guess I'd, I'd expand that to different cultures. You know, you've come over to the UK. You know, giving ourselves a high five in the mirror, like a lot of Brits will be quite resistant to that.

    10. MRMel Robbins1:58:26

        I'm sure.

    11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:58:26

        You know? I'm, I'm not saying Americans wouldn't be, but a lot of-

    12. MRMel Robbins1:58:29

        I think everybody is.

    13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:58:31

        Yeah, but I think a lot of Brits would think, "Yeah, I can see Americans getting on board with that, but yeah, we're not gonna do that," right? So I guess are you seeing a difference in the sexes, in different countries, different cultures? Just in your experience, I'm really interested because I think this is a universal habit that can help all of us, but who is this landing with the most?

    14. MRMel Robbins1:58:52

        Well, I mean, so I could unpack your question a million different ways. So first of all, personal development content, it's consumed 85, 90% women.

    15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:59:02

        Yeah.

    16. MRMel Robbins1:59:03

        I think most people would probably be surprised to hear that in any kind of health, or wellness, or mindset, or personal development category, even though most of the hosts are male, most of the listeners are women. That's number one, and it's always been that way.

    17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:59:18

        Yeah.

    18. MRMel Robbins1:59:18

        Women buy books. Women go to seminars. Women are consumers of this content. And so of course I resonate with women 'cause that's who tends to be consuming the content. That said, I s- I've spent, you know, six years as one of the most booked speakers on the corporate circuit. The biggest brands in the world. I mean-

    19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee1:59:40

        Yeah

    20. MRMel Robbins1:59:40

        ... JP Morgan's hired me 51 times. Starbucks hired me when the two gentlemen in Philadelphia were arrested, and they closed down Starbucks global operations for a day. I was one of three speakers they brought in to train 174,000 people. And so, you know, I, because of the respect that I have, speaking about how human beings change, speaking about habits, speaking about how to motivate and inspire other people to show up as their best, um, I have a large male following on certain platforms. Uh, platforms like LinkedIn, uh, YouTube skews more male. It's still predominantly female, but you know, the numbers are pretty high.

    21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:00:26

        Yeah.

    22. MRMel Robbins2:00:26

        You'd be surprised. But I also have such a matter of fact, very I'm not pulling any punches kind of approach-

    23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:00:33

        [laughs]

    24. MRMel Robbins2:00:34

        ... that I think there's a real appeal.

    25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:00:36

        Yeah.

    26. MRMel Robbins2:00:36

        I also have a very unique female voice in that I've been told that my timbre is, um, something that a lot of women's voices sound higher, and there's something about the lower-

    27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:00:54

        Yeah

    28. MRMel Robbins2:00:54

        ... and the, the, the kind of richer tone of the way that I speak that makes me more appealing to a male and female audience. And I'm saying this because this shit actually matters. If somebody's irritating to listen to, or if somebody is speaking too quickly, or somebody has a pitch that feels off or grinding, um, if somebody's accent is hard to understand, it, it will skew your audience a certain way.

    29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:01:25

        Yeah.

    30. MRMel Robbins2:01:25

        And so I think that, um, due to the nature of my voice, and what's interesting is I get recognized all the time if I'm standing talking to somebody from people behind me-
15. 2:04:23 – 2:13:52

    Breaking Generational Self-Criticism and Teaching Kids

    1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:04:23

       You mentioned children and dads.

    2. MRMel Robbins2:04:25

       Mm-hmm.

    3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:04:25

       [lips smack] And there was a very powerful section in the book, can't remember the, the subtitle you gave to it. What it was essentially saying, the added benefit of adopting not just The High Five Habit, the book is full of other practical things-

    4. MRMel Robbins2:04:42

       Well, you know what? I was like, "Should we call it The High Five Habits? Should we call it The High Five Habit? Should we call it the..." And we made-- I made a strategic decision-

    5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:04:49

       [laughs]

    6. MRMel Robbins2:04:49

       ... to only call it The High Five Habit, because if there was one tool that got out, I wanted this one. And I knew if we called it The High Five Habits, everything would be, "Well, what are the high five habits?" And it would become a listicle in terms of the PR, so that was strategic, even though there were like 11 tools in the-

    7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:05:07

       Yeah. Well, it-

    8. MRMel Robbins2:05:07

       ... book around self-empowerment

    9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:05:09

       ... is-- Yeah. I mean, we could do a whole podcast on my struggles with book titles.

    10. MRMel Robbins2:05:12

        [laughs]

    11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:05:13

        Um, but I think it's a great title and, and there's lots of, um, practical tools in the book beyond the high five habits. But I love that bit where you were talking about that doing this stuff, it kind of helps you to be a better role model to your kids. You know, you show them how you manage difficult situations. You show them that you're worthy of compassion to yourself.

    12. MRMel Robbins2:05:36

        Yes.

    13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:05:36

        And I, I kind of reread that several times because if I'm brutally honest, I think one of my own drives to become a better person, a calmer person, a less judgmental person, a less reactive person, has been to be a better dad. Because when you see things about yourself that you're being reflected back through your kids, you're like, "Hey, you know what? I could either tell them not to do that, or I could take a look in the mirror and try and f- figure this stuff out myself." So I thought that was really powerful. I think it-

    14. MRMel Robbins2:06:12

        Not easy.

    15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:06:13

        Not-

    16. MRMel Robbins2:06:13

        There's a story in there that I didn't include that I can tell you that really kinda drives this home. Um, so, um, I remember, uh, we were... Maybe I did put it in the book. I don't remember at this point. Um, we were-- I was taking a selfie with our two daughters, who are 23 and 21, and I-- Oh, I know what it was. We were-

    17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:06:36

        [laughs]

    18. MRMel Robbins2:06:37

        ... talking about, um, just body image.

    19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:06:40

        Yeah.

    20. MRMel Robbins2:06:40

        And one of our daughters is very tall and lean, and the other one is shapely and gorgeous and amazing and the best human ever. They both are. Um, but I-- And the reason why I sort of paused there is because I was making a mistake that all mothers tend to make, which is we compliment our daughters for their beauty and not for the fact that they're loyal and they're smart and they're amazing human beings and they're hardworking. So we-- Because it was done to us and the brain learns patterns, we're just repeating the patterns-

    21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:07:11

        Yeah

    22. MRMel Robbins2:07:11

        ... with our daughters. And so it's super important, I learned this late, to compliment, uh, attributes that you like rather than constantly complimenting outfits and nails and-

    23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:07:24

        Yeah

    24. MRMel Robbins2:07:24

        ... hairstyles and the way that they look. So that's one thing that you can do. And we were talking about this, and I was like, "Why do you guys-- Like I, I see you and you're so freaking beautiful. Like I looked like a troll when I was in h- when I was in college. Like I had a Dorothy Hamill haircut, and then I had a Flashdance perm. I mean, you guys look like unbelievable." And, and I'm like, "Why don't-- Why are you so critical? Like you constantly look in the mirror. Where does that come from?" And without skipping a beat, my 21-year-old daughter turned to me and said, "It comes from you And I said, "What, what do you mean?" She said, "Are you kidding me? Have you ever heard yourself talk about yourself?" I'm like, "What? No. What are you talking about?" She's like, "Every time we take a photo with you, do you know what you say about the photo?" I'm like, "No." She, she goes, "You go, 'Do I really look like that?' And Mom, we think you're beautiful. So if we think you're beautiful and you're constantly criticizing and questioning what you look like, why would we ever trust you when you tell us that you think we're beautiful?" And I was like, "Mic drop. Okay, that's 10 years of therapy. You can just put that on my credit card, girls, 'cause clearly I fucked you up." [laughs]

    25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:08:50

        [laughs]

    26. MRMel Robbins2:08:50

        But so w- and I laugh because otherwise what are you gonna do? But-

    27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:08:54

        [laughs] Yeah, what are you gonna do?

    28. MRMel Robbins2:08:54

        ... but, but, you know, but, but seriously, I think that, you know, your kids are watching and they learn patterns.

    29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:09:00

        Yeah.

    30. MRMel Robbins2:09:00

        And one of the things that I'm excited about in terms of the tools in this book is I do believe, in terms of winning deep, that there is an opportunity not for you to just break your own habits that are self-destructive, but you have the chance to break generational habits.
16. 2:13:52 – 2:20:11

    Writing the Book and Final Advice

    1. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:13:52

       Mel, I could talk for hours with you. I, I think there's just so much that we haven't talked about yet, and I encourage people to pick up the book to kind of learn all those tools. There's so much cool science, like the RAS, which you didn't mention, which I wanted to get into, but, you know, I really would encourage people to, to get The High Five Habit. I think it is so well-written. Your voice, your energy kind of permeates through it, and- It's not easy to write books like that. I, y- y- you know, d- when they're that easy to read-

    2. MRMel Robbins2:14:25

       Hmm

    3. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:14:26

       ... and there's a lot of science behind it, I know full well what it's like to try and simplify that messaging.

    4. MRMel Robbins2:14:32

       It was painful, let me tell you.

    5. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:14:33

       Yeah.

    6. MRMel Robbins2:14:33

       It was really [laughs] painful.

    7. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:14:34

       It, it is harder to write books that are that easy to read than going, you know, deep and going on for pages and pages. I, I, I wanna really acknowledge you for, for that-

    8. MRMel Robbins2:14:44

       Wow

    9. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:14:44

       ... because I think it's a-

    10. MRMel Robbins2:14:45

        Thank you

    11. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:14:45

        ... really good read.

    12. MRMel Robbins2:14:47

        Thank you. I mean, it's been almost five years since I've written a book.

    13. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:14:50

        Yeah.

    14. MRMel Robbins2:14:51

        Because it's very hard for me, and because the right idea was not ready to be born.

    15. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:14:56

        Yeah.

    16. MRMel Robbins2:14:57

        And, you know, for better or for worse, it seems like my fate in life is that I have to fall into a hole, or I have to dig one for myself, and then I have to be pissed off and sad and overwhelmed, and then I have to have the epiphany that nobody's coming to save my ass and I need a ladder, and so I build one. And that's what The Five Second Rule was, that's what The High Five Habit is. And so this book, I only started writing in probably, oh my God, I mean, we started kinda researching it end of May. I started writing maybe in August.

    17. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:15:34

        Wow.

    18. MRMel Robbins2:15:35

        I wrote that thing in about four months, and then when I looked at the first draft, I realized I was writing it for fancy pants people like you, who have a degree, so that you would see the research.

    19. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:15:48

        Oh my God.

    20. MRMel Robbins2:15:48

        And it was so boring. And in 14 days flat, we tore that book apart and rewrote it, because I realized I was coming back to that credentialed thing-

    21. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:16:00

        Oh, man

    22. MRMel Robbins2:16:00

        ... of wanting to seem smart, when really I just wanted to make a difference for the woman in Iceland, or Steph who's thinking about hitting send on an email, or that person-

    23. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:16:12

        Yeah

    24. MRMel Robbins2:16:12

        ... who just lost their job or is going through a divorce or feels overwhelmed by life, because I know what that's like, 'cause I've lived it.

    25. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:16:20

        Yeah.

    26. MRMel Robbins2:16:20

        And if a book isn't easy and fun to read, you're not gonna read it.

    27. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:16:23

        Yeah. Mel, I, I-- as I said at the start, there are so many similarities in our lives. We've led different lives on, you know, different sides of the pond. But that's exactly the same story with my very first book, which is called The 4 Pillar Plan in the UK.

    28. MRMel Robbins2:16:39

        Mm-hmm.

    29. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:16:39

        It's called How to Make Disease Disappear in America. First book I was wri- I remember writing it, and the first, first couple of weeks, "I really want doctors to like this."

    30. MRMel Robbins2:16:48

        [laughs]

Episode duration: 2:20:12