Why Non-Negotiables Are Ruining Your Life

1. SPSpeaker0:00

   You mentioned, uh, morning routines and stuff like that. What is your perspective on non-negotiables now?

2. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:10

   I don't believe in non-negotiables anymore. Um-

3. SPSpeaker0:12

   You've negotiated the non-negotiables away?

4. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee0:15

   Well, I-- we've spoken about perfectionism, right? So let me try and draw a connection between this and perfectionism. As a perfectionist in recovery, I don't believe that this idea of non-negotiables is helpful to me. Because again, a non-negotiable implies that I will not negotiate on this, I will always do this. For me, there's hints of perfectionism there, right? Because everything in life is negotiable, Chris. Everything. Nothing is a non-negotiable. So I could tell you, for example, that, um, I'm a calm, peaceful person, which I am, and I will never be violent, right? That's a non-negotiable for me. Always gonna be peaceful. Well, hold on a minute. What if I was out with my two children and someone was trying to attack them and threaten us? My non-negotiable suddenly becomes negotiable. I could quite easily believe in that moment I could become violent. If it was to protect my two children who I love with all my heart, yeah, I probably would. That may seem quite extreme, but I love going to extremes, Chris, 'cause I think it's in the extremes where you learn the veracity and the truth about a concept. Edith Eger in Auschwitz, at the extreme, she was living in hell, and even in hell, she could reframe her experience using her mind. I use that in my life to go, "Hey, Rangan, you're struggling to reframe what that driver did or that email that someone sent you. You know what, Rangan? Edith could reframe stuff in Auschwitz. You can probably reframe this in your life," right? I use it as inspiration for me, not to beat me up, to inspire me. And so why Non-Negotiables for me can be a problematic concept... I think-- I've also got to be clear, Chris, different concepts land for different people in a different way depending on where they are in life, right? So let's say you're struggling with your health, and you're feeling lost. You're feeling lonely. You don't know how you're gonna get any motivation to move forward in your life. A non-negotiable might actually be really good for you, where you go, "No, actually, every day I'm gonna wake up, I'm gonna do that five-minute workout, and I'm gonna go and have a cold shower for thirty seconds." And by not missing for three months, you literally change your identity and how you view yourself.

5. SPSpeaker2:35

   Mm.

6. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee2:36

   But I've been through that process. I'm in a different stage in my life now, where a non-negotiable to me ends up beating myself up in my head. I'll give you an example of how that played out for me. I actually find behavior change quite easy these days, and I believe that one of the central ideas in this book is that effortless change is possible when you get to the root. But we're not getting to the root, right? So I can imagine four years ago on New Year's Day, I would wake up and be like, "Right, that's it, Chatterjee, you are nailing meditation this year," right? You've seen the studies. Lowers stress, lowers anxiety. Uh, can increase the matter in your brain, the brain function. Right, that is it. This year it's happening. And I would nail it. Twenty minutes a day, first week, second week. I would miss a day, let's say the third week of January. Oh my God, Chris, I would beat myself up in my heads. "Oh, you j-just couldn't do it, could you, this year? Stupid," right? "You know it's important. You couldn't do it." That was my pattern, right? And so that was a non-negotiable for me, which meant that when I missed it, because I said it was a non-negotiable in my heads, I felt less than. I felt bad. I felt guilt. I felt shame. It plays into perfectionism, which means I stop doing it, right? I'm, "Oh, God, I'll try again next year." This all or nothing type approach. Whereas now I have a much kinder relationship with myself. I don't have that negative inner voice anymore. Um, unless I'm really, really stressed and sleep deprived, which again, it's a signal for me to go, "Oh, wow, I need to start looking after myself." Whereas now I do meditate most mornings, but if I miss, I'm like, "Oh. Oh, okay, I missed today." I'm actually a better human being when I do meditate. I'm more focused. I'm more present with the people around me. Actually, tomorrow I'm gonna start meditating again. It's a much healthier relationship with that behavior. For me, it's a balance between discipline and compassion. And Chris, another idea that I've been thinking a lot about, um... 'cause I think a lot about behavior change. You know, eighty to ninety percent of what doctors today see is in some way related to our collective modern lifestyles. I'm not putting blame on people, Chris, when I say that. I'm just saying the way we live, the food environments, our sedentary jobs, the chronic stress, the rates of burnout, the sleep deprivation, the environmental toxins, whatever it might be. Are you tired of waking up exhausted even when you've technically had enough sleep? Do you feel like you're constantly doing everything right, yet you still feel stuck? You're not broken. You're just running the wrong habits. I've taken everything I've learnt from helping thousands of patients and boiled it down into five tiny daily habits that can transform your life in just thirty days. No overwhelm, no pressure, just small shifts that reset your energy, mood, and mind. If you're ready to stop surviving and start feeling like yourself again, download my free guide now. Just click on the first link in the description box below or scan the QR code on screen. You've got absolutely nothing to lose except the version of you that's been running on empty for far too long.It's causing us to be sick. And one thing I've realized, Chris, like I really think this holds true in every situation, it's not the behavior, it's the energy behind the behavior. And I actually genuinely believe that every single behavior either comes from the energy of fear or the energy of love. Now, that may sound really spiritual, and I am becoming more spiritual as I get older. But I think to, you know, although you're an American now, although you live in America now, you're still a Brit by birth, right? Like me.

7. SPSpeaker6:38

   Adopted. Adopted.

8. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee6:39

   Right? So this idea of love and that we can love ourselves is quite an alien concept, I think, in the UK, right? We don't like to say that. But I can, on this mic, in front of you today, say, although I, I still struggle to say it, right? I was gonna s- I was gonna initially say, "Look, I, I really quite like myself." But dare I say I love myself, not in a narcissistic way. Like, I'm clear on what my values are. My three core values are integrity, curiosity, and compassion. Those are the three values I believe represent who I am and who I would like to be. So I regularly assess in the evenings, maybe on a Sunday, you know, how much of this week, Rangan, were you in alignment with your values? When did you behave? When did you not behave, for example? And when you get to that point, you find that everything within you is quite aligned. So behavior change becomes quite easy because when I used to struggle with behavior change, it was because the behaviors were coming from an energy of fear. So what does that mean? Guilt, shame, I'm not good enough. What do most people do in January, or whenever they're trying to make change? They're trying to overcome the person who they think that they are, right? A lot of the time in January, they're beating themselves up, Chris. They're like, "I'm not good enough. My stomach's not flat enough. I'm not enough. Let me beat myself up with my behaviors to overcome that." That works for a few weeks. It might work for a few months. But in my clinical experience, it never works in the long term. At some point, that energy has to change, where you actually quite like yourself. You're doing it not because you're trying to avoid something, but because you're trying to get towards something. Actually, I want to have a stronger body. I wanna have a clearer mind. I feel that it's the way I can become a better human. I can be a better father when I look after myself. And again, going back to your earlier question, Chris, what is it about me now at 47 where I, I feel this sense of calm? I think for me, becoming a father has been a huge part of that. You know, my son is 14, so I've been a f- a dad now for, you know, almost 15 years. And again, I, I wanna acknowledge not everyone needs to have a child to see this. A lot of people are choosing not to have children for a variety of reasons. Hey, I'm okay with all of that. For me personally, it's been transformative. You know, suddenly having kids, you just can't be as me-focused anymore. You realize there's more to you than just you and your experience. There's other people who depend on you. So going back to perfectionism, now let me dr- let me sort of connect the kids and me as a dad to my perfectionist tendencies. We look at these people, these heroes, we put them on pedestals. You'll have people, Chris, in your audience, who are putting you on pedestals. Who, who are putting you on a pedestal. They're like, "Oh my God, Chris is an amazing podcast host, which-

9. SPSpeaker9:43

   They're too, they're too smart to put me on a pedestal.

10. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee9:45

    But I reckon some will be, mate, right? And the reason why I think this is problematic, and I, I suspect you would agree with this, is because they're seeing one aspect of your life. They're seeing you on the mic. They're seeing your vlog when you're crushing it in Australia. Unless you're showing this, and maybe I haven't seen this on your platforms, they're not seeing the mornings when you wake up absolutely shattered. One of the most important pillars for our health is, of course, nutrition. But I think because of our busy, stressed out lives, so many people are struggling despite their best intentions. So many patients over the years have told me that they know what they should be doing, but they're struggling to actually do it. And that's why I'm a fan of AG1. AG1 is a daily health drink that contains over 70 vitamins, minerals, and other ingredients that are designed to make nutrition really easy. It's been in my own life for over six years now. It's simple, it's tasty, it's convenient, and it forms a part of my morning routine. People will routinely tell me that taking AG1 regularly has improved their focus, their cognition, their energy. Some people even tell me that they drink less coffee when they're taking AG1. And there's research out there showing us that taking AG1 regularly can improve specific markers of your gut health, which is really good for your immune health. So if you're looking to upgrade your own nutrition in a simple, tasty, and convenient way, try AG1. To get a free bottle of vitamin D and five free travel packs, go to drinkag1.com/livemore. When you're, you think, "I've got 12 podcasts to do in five days in London. Why did I sign up for so many?" What is the consequence on you, your wellbeing, your relationships from doing that? Now, I'm not here criticizing or judging. I'm just simply saying if people wanna be you, they can't have one aspect of you. They need the whole aspect.

11. SPSpeaker11:44

    Mm.

12. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee11:44

    You can't just be 1% Chris Williamson. You have to be 100% Chris Williamson.

13. SPSpeaker11:47

    No one wants to be that. Never go full Chris Williamson. One, uh [laughs] ...

14. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee11:51

    Do you get what I'm saying, though?

15. SPSpeaker11:51

    No, I do. I do. I, it's something that I've, I've spoken about for a long time, the fact that you don't get to pick parts of people's lives. You have to take the whole. Uh, George Mack has this great idea, the, the difference between Call of Duty and war. Says you look at a lot of people's lives and you assume that that's what you get to do, but you're just watching them in the lobby of Call of Duty dicking about. Then they actually, you, you get and see their life, and it's IEDs and it's dust and it's re- like, uh, reloading weapons and it's like it's war. It's not fun. And, um, for the most part, I think, yeah, we try to curate what we put out because we don't wanna be a buzzkill, because we don't want to come across as somebody that isn't, uh, enjoying their lives. Um-But yeah, I think, you know, we spoke about this last time. I'm kind of interested in this line that you've hinted at a couple of times, which is sort of between busyness and success, uh, the sort of lineage between the two and, um, the sort of need that we have to feel important and how a busy calendar can sort of be a hedge against existential loneliness. What have you come to believe about busyness and success?

16. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee12:58

    Let me just respond to what you just said, and I will come to that, I promise.

17. SPSpeaker13:02

    Mm-hmm.

18. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee13:07

    You can't just take that one aspect, like I mentioned about Jon Bon Jovi, like you've just mentioned, right? You can't be Tiger Woods and just take the 15 majors without the painkiller addiction, without the public humiliation, right?

19. SPSpeaker13:19

    Yeah.

20. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee13:19

    You can't. You can't take the 28 Olympic gold medals that Michael Phelps has without the depression and the suicide attempts. You can't take Jonny Wilkinson's World Cup medal without the 10 years of pain that followed that, right? So many of these heroes have paid a huge cost to get where they are. Huge cost. And we often just look at the upside and not the downside, and that's where that write your own happy ending exercise, I think, can be so useful. It sounds simple. Oh, just a little... What? A little three-question exercise. Yeah. Just a little three-question exercise. These things can help us reframe our lives in quite a huge way. Now, you mentioned busyness, right? And chapter eight is all about busyness and this idea that busyness is success, and the reliance, because everything in this book is about a reliance we have, right? So I believe busyness comes from our reliance on feeling important. So both you and I have spoken to Will Storr before on our podcast, author of many great books, but The Status Game is a really good book that Will wrote. And in that book, he makes the case that status is a universal driver in all humans. But status is not the amount of YouTube followers you've got, the amount of Instagram followers you've got, your celebrity status. Will makes the case that status actually is that feeling that we are of value to other people, right? And I think it is what drives us all. Now, I think many of us now in the 21st century are living these disconnected lives. We've moved away from our communities, our tribes, the people that know us, the people that knew us, and we might have moved away for work opportunity, right, which is fantastic, but there's a consequence. Sometimes we, we just don't feel of value. In the, in the old hunter-gatherer tribes, you would know your value. You were either... You know, you were the forager. You were the hunter. There was something that you were providing to the people around you. This is probably one of the main reasons why people who follow religious practices, not are religious, but people who follow religious practices are happier and healthier than those who don't. Because a lot of those religious practices, depending on which religion you're talking about, are about doing things for others, showing you to be of value to others. But I think we have a value deficiency in the modern world where we don't know that we're of value to others. So some of the way we get that is by overworking and pushing ourselves really, really hard because then you can say, "Yeah, I am important." You know, I have this reliance on feeling important, and now I think that reliance, that over-reliance, I should say, is pushing many people beyond what they can cope with, and it's making them sick. This is why this matters so much to me, Chris. I have seen time and time again over the years in clinical practice people who thought they could keep pushing. Nothing will happen to them. They can keep pushing. They're the superheroes, right? Until they get hit with the autoimmune illness, and they wish, "Man, I didn't need to do this. I wish I'd stopped earlier. I wish-"

21. SPSpeaker16:37

    Why do, why do autoimmune illnesses come for people that push themselves too much?

22. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee16:41

    Okay. Well, there's many theories on autoimmune illness. The theory that makes the most sense to me is from, uh, Dr. Alessio Fasano from Harvard, and basically he says there are three criteria that someone needs to get an autoimmune illness: genetic susceptibility, increased intestinal permeability, and an environmental stressor, right? I'll explain what that means. So you need to have the ge- Well, if you don't have the genes for an autoimmune illness, you're not gonna get it, okay? But that's not enough. You need it, but it's not sufficient in and of itself. You also need something that's called increased intestinal permeability, colloquially is called leaky guts, basically when... You know, our guts are all a bit leaky, but when it actually becomes problematic, okay? In essence, it's a simplified way of saying that. But even with those two things, according to his theory, you won't get it. You need a third thing, an environmental stressor. So for someone with celiac disease, for example, which is a allergy to gluten, that would be consuming gluten. That would be the environmental stressor. But a very common one for many people is stress, right? I would see in my practice for many years, Chris, autoimmune illness. I, I used to really enjoy seeing... When I say enjoy [laughs] , as a, as a doctor, I was fascinated by the development of autoimmune illness and what you could do with your lifestyle to alleviate things, right? So I would see a lot of it in my practice. I would say in over 95% of cases, in the six months preceding the diagnosis, there was heavy, heavy stress in that person's life. Work stress, bereavement, losing your house, losing your job, something which might have been the final trigger. And there's loads of case studies in the book where I share people who already had enough-And they pushed past it for more. I genuinely believe that the biggest disease in society these days, Chris, is, is the disease of more. More money, more followers, more downloads, more, more, more is gonna make us happy. And the phrase that I think about a lot is from the Tao Te Ching. It's my f- one of my favorite quotes that I reflect on a lot of the time. I was on the train down from the northwest this morning. I'm thinking about it. True wealth is knowing what is enough. I think that's the million-dollar question for so many of us, Chris. What is enough? Like, w- at what point do you have enough? Why I feel so happy and content these days is 'cause I have got very clear that I have enough. I really do, right? So I've got a wife who loves me, right? I've just passed 17 years of marriage last week, and we're as happy as we've ever been. I've got two kids who I love and who love me and want to spend time with me, right? I've got a job that I love and that provides me and my family a great quality of life. I'm winning, right? And this may interest you, Chris. Two years ago, my son at the time was 12, and I can't remember. It was a weekend. I was maybe uploading something to YouTube or looking at something related to my podcast, right? And I don't know how we got onto this topic, but I remember saying to him something like... I said, "Oh, son, you know what? I've heard from people that if I go to two episodes a week, you 4X the show," right? Or something to... Maybe it's three years ago, right? And you've released two episodes a week, so you know what I... Three episodes a week, so you know what I'm talking about, right? So he said, "Well, Daddy, why don't you do that? You know, your show will be even bigger and more successful than it already is." And I said, "Hey, son, listen. If I go from one episode to two episodes a week, you know those weekends where we play football in the garden, or we go for a walk, or we sit and play cards, or we go on bike rides together? I probably won't be around to do those things 'cause I'll be in the studio recording intros, recording outros, whatever it might be," right? So I've had to get real clarity because, as you remember from last time we spoke, Chris, you may remember I used to be very competitive, but that came from a feeling of lack. Because as a kid, as I explained to you last time, Chris, I took on the belief that I was only loved when I was top of the class and I got full marks. That was nobody's fault. I'm not blaming anyone. My parents were immigrants to the UK. Their way of having their kids not face the problems that they had was by pushing you to be a straight-A student and become a doctor because then you won't have any problems in life. I took on the belief as a young boy that I'm only loved when I'm top dog, right? But then you go into the world where you're now competing with eight billion people. That's a very toxic belief system, right? And I'm no longer competitive 'cause being competitive, Chris, was, was not who I was. It was who I became in response to my upbringing. And now that I understand that, and I've done the work, and there's loads of practices in this book that will help people with that, I'm not competitive anymore and never was who I was. So I can, for example, look at my life and go, "Hey, Rangan, you know what? I'm doing great," right? If you had told me 10 years ago that, "Rangan, you're gonna have five Sunday Times bestsellers. You're gonna be happily married. You're gonna have two kids that love you. You're gonna have a top 10 podcast in the UK, the most listened to health podcast in Europe," right? If you're gonna have those things, I wouldn't have believed you, Chris, but I have all those things, and it's very easy. I could look at you. I could look at other people who are, who are... You know. And I'm not saying this in a bad way. I'm saying it genuinely in an honest way and go, "Oh, you know, it'd be good to do that," or go to two a week or go to three a week, and I'm like, "Oh, wait a minute." It's the unmeasurables in life where, it's where the gold is. It's the unmeasurables, Chris. I've really, really got that in my head. The most important things in life I don't believe can be measured by society's metrics. So I can't give you a number. I can't give you a, an official measurement of how happy my wife and I are. I can't give you a, um, a number like I can with my Instagram followers or podcast downloads that tells you what joy I get from my children. And the, the reason why I keep coming back to the Tao Te Ching quote, "True wealth is knowing what is enough," is the reason we keep pushing is that so many people, and I've had patients who already had enough, and they keep thinking that more is what they need. Hey, we're all individuals. We've all got to find this truth on our own, on our own path, but I have pushed really hard in the past. I don't want to do it anymore. Like, I, I feel like I'm winning. I've got a job that I love. I've got a family that I love. I'm in great health. Like, does... Do you know what I mean, Chris?

23. SPSpeaker23:51

    Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, you know, the sacrifices that you make in order to get to the place that you want to be is, is... And it's an interesting one to think about what you need to do in the beginning. You're right. If somebody has 200 pounds to lose, having some non-negotiables might not be too bad of an idea. But if you're a little bit further down your journey, you're still whipping yourself into submission even though you're already performing at a pretty high level, why did you put all of that work in in the first place? Was it not so that you could actually enjoy this a little bit? Was it not so that you could be happy? And I think that, you know, maybe this is part of the sort of phases of, of podcasting generally or whatever you wanna call it, personal development information on the internet, that lots of people were probably first introduced to this type of content about 10 years ago, within sort of 5 to 10 years ago, and there's this huge, big generation of people that have moved through it. And I do get the sense that the work until your eyes bleed, optimize every second of your life thing is getting a little old. Now, I've certainly found for myself that I, I'm less sort of compelled by that. I'm much more compelled by trying to find balance, by trying to find enjoyment in the things that I do, by optimizing for fun as opposed to just success.

24. RCDr. Rangan Chatterjee25:02

    If you enjoyed that short clip, I think you are really going to enjoy the full conversation, which you can check out here. [outro music]

Episode duration: 25:23