EVERY SPOKEN WORD
5 min read · 1,413 words- 0:00 – 0:30
High-functioning anxiety: succeeding outwardly while struggling inwardly
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
Do you feel like you're achieving your goals, but to others ... [beep] [laughs] You got to first. Do you feel like you're achieving your goals, and to others you appear to be successful, but on the inside you're feeling anxious, irritable, and you're constantly overthinking? You might have High Functioning Anxiety. In this episode, I'm going to share what High Functioning Anxiety is, and then I'll share a number of simple strategies to help you build confidence to work through what you might be experiencing, because it's really important that you address it. So first,
- 0:30 – 1:00
What “high-functioning anxiety” means (and what it isn’t)
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
what is High Functioning Anxiety? The first thing that you need to know about it is that it's not a diagnosable condition. It's more of an umbrella term that covers a whole range of symptoms related to issues of anxiety and self-criticism. Now, the best way to understand High Functioning Anxiety is if I describe what it feels like to have it. So here are five examples of what High Functioning Anxiety might look like to others versus what you might be feeling internally. First, what others see is someone who's always in control and prepared. But internally, your mind
- 1:00 – 1:31
Sign 1: Looking in control while your mind is on overdrive
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
is on overdrive. You have a tendency to overthink and overanalyze, and you're consumed by the uncertain future or ruminating on the past. You might work really late into the night, and sometimes you can't sleep because you don't feel like you've been productive enough that day. The moment you put your head down on the pillow, your mind becomes full of thoughts about things that need to be done. You might also have a nervous habit like shaking your leg or biting your nails or even clicking a pen. Second, others see that you're hardworking, determined, and have a really strong work ethic.
- 1:31 – 2:02
Sign 2: Strong work ethic fueled by productivity guilt
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
But internally, you keep pushing yourself to work harder and longer and believe that if you stop or take a break, you're weak and a failure. You constantly feel like you need to overcompensate for something. You have difficulty slowing down or taking breaks even when you're resting, because you feel like you don't deserve it. This is commonly known as productivity guilt, and it's a mindset of feeling bad when you're not being productive. When I surveyed over two and a half thousand people globally, 93% of them said that they'd experienced this, so it's very common,
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Sign 3: Appearing confident while feeling socially anxious
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
especially for high performers. Third, what others see is that you're always confident. You appear confident, composed, like you've got everything together. But internally, you spend a lot of time feeling uncomfortable, whether at social or networking events, speaking up in meetings, or whenever the attention is on you. You're anxious about making a positive impression and can freeze with social anxiety, becoming consumed in thoughts like, "What do they think of me?" and, "How am I coming across right now?" Fourth, others see
- 2:32 – 3:02
Sign 4: High standards driven by perfectionism and self-criticism
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
that you have a really high standard of work and they can trust you to deliver. But internally, that's because you might be a perfectionist and become self-critical when you don't achieve the standards that you set for yourself. You've developed these unrealistic expectations that you place on yourself, and then when you inevitably don't achieve them, you feel that you're inadequate and become intensely self-critical. Sometimes you even procrastinate until the very last minute, and while you still get the job done and you do it well, you're filled with stress and anxiety to get to the deadline. And
- 3:02 – 3:33
Sign 5: Being helpful and sociable while unable to set boundaries
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
fifth, what others see is that you're really sociable and you're always willing to help and lend a hand. But internally, it's because you struggle to set boundaries and you can't say no. You have a deeply entrenched need to please people and for people to like you and approve of you, to validate you. So you always say yes to help others, even to your detriment, because you have a belief that, "If I say no, they'll think I don't care, and I'll lose them as a friend," or, "If I say no, my coworkers and my boss won't think I'm a team player, and then I'll get fired."
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3 strategies to manage high-functioning anxiety (overview)
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
And this leaves you feeling over-committed and exhausted. So if you could relate to any of the five examples I just shared, what can you do to help keep your anxiety at bay? Well, here are three very simple strategies I've found that are really helpful as a starting place. The first is to honor your sleep, and this is first because sleep is so vitally important for functioning and overall wellbeing. Many people engage in something called Revenge Bedtime Procrastination, and this is especially the case for those who feel that they don't have much control over their daytime life.
- 4:04 – 4:34
Strategy 1: Honor sleep and break “revenge bedtime procrastination”
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
For example, those with high-pressure jobs or a lot of responsibility. So these people end up staying up really late on social media, watching Netflix or YouTube or the news, because they're trying to retain a sense of control, and they know that the sooner that they sleep, the sooner tomorrow arrives, and then they have to go back to doing all the stuff that they're trying to avoid. But this sets up a vicious cycle. Because of your failure to self-regulate, you end up being really tired the next day, making the whole day an effort, so you feel more guilt for not being productive,
- 4:34 – 5:05
Sleep reset: a 60-minute no-device rule + calming wind-down routine
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
become self-critical for being so tired, you don't perform as well, and then you do the whole thing again the next night because you have no willpower to stop. So the first key is to avoid being on your devices at least 60 minutes before bed. Just don't do it. Instead, have a wind-down nighttime routine at least an hour before bedtime so it coincides with your no devices time. You can have a series of things that you do to intentionally calm your state. It could be having a warm bath, a cup of herbal tea, listening to calming music,
- 5:05 – 6:06
Strategy 2: Nonjudgmental acknowledgement, self-compassion, and reframing
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
meditating, or even praying. [sneezes] But not sneezing. The second strategy is nonjudgmental acknowledgement and acceptance. Acknowledge that you have anxiety. It's okay. It's far more common than you'd think. Practice self-acceptance for all that you are and don't judge. This is a core principle of Nef's self-compassion research. Once you accept, then you want to start to become more aware of your thoughts. What is your inner critic telling you? What are you afraid of? For some, they're afraid that if they're no longer driven by their anxiety, they'll stop being a high performer. They then feel that they need it to keep moving forward, but this is a negative bias and an unhealthy reliance. What we know from cognitive behavioral therapy is that our experience of the world is based on how we interpret what's happening, which is also called cognitive appraisal. And here's the thing: we can actually reframe what's going on in our minds and how we interpret things. So once you listen to your thoughts, if you start to notice catastrophic thinking and thinking about worst-case scenarios,
- 6:06 – 7:06
Strategy 3: Reclaim control by saying no and setting boundaries
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
come back to yourself with a more rational response to your inner critic. If your inner critic is saying, "You're going to miss the deadline and get fired," reply to it with, "I've never missed a deadline before, and even if I do, I'm not going to lose my job." And the third strategy is a simple one, and it's simply to consciously reclaim control by saying no to others and yes to you. Now, this is not about being selfish, but it's about acknowledging that you might have a tendency to seek the approval of others and struggle with setting boundaries. And in doing this, you're putting your needs below the needs of others. So you need to reconnect with your true self and make self-care a priority. Practice saying no and setting boundaries. Make time for what you need, including taking breaks and resting. And remind yourself that you deserve to look after yourself too, because if you don't do it, no one else will. I hope you found value in this episode and you've learned a new thing or two about High Functioning Anxiety. Importantly, I hope that you're able to apply one or all of the strategies to
- 7:06 – 7:22
Wrap-up: apply the strategies and prioritize self-care
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
start to manage your anxiety and to put self-care as a priority. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Shade Zahrai, and I can't wait to see you next time. [outro music]
Episode duration: 7:23
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