Complaining is keeping you stuck. From my conversation with @m@melrobbins

1. 0:00 – 0:03

   Why chronic complaining keeps you stuck

   1. SPSpeaker0:00

      What do you wanna say to somebody who's a chronic complainer?

2. 0:03 – 0:34

   The awareness step: catch yourself in the act

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:03

      You don't realize how you're keeping yourself stuck when you complain about the things you have no control over. It's cathartic. It feels good in the moment. It's rewarding, but it's actually keeping you stuck. The moment you find yourself complaining, the first step is to become aware of it, which is sometimes the hard part. The next step is to ask yourself, "Okay, well, I essentially have a few options here. I can accept the situation as it is, I can change the situation, I can leave the situation,

3. 0:34 – 0:38

   The only four options you actually have

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:34

      or I can change how I see the situation."

   2. SPSpeaker0:36

      Hmm.

4. 0:38 – 0:46

   Choosing a path—and why continued complaining makes it worse

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:38

      They're the only four options I have. So you pick one, and then acknowledge that if I keep complaining about this, I'm only going to feel worse.

   2. SPSpeaker0:45

      Yes.

5. 0:46 – 1:02

   The hidden link between complaining and 'should' language

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:46

      It is not going to help me. So what is fantastic for anyone who tends to complain a lot, you will also hear language of should. "Oh, I should've done that. I should do this." Mel, how do you feel if I were to say to you, "Oh, you should so-and-so"? What would you, how would you respond to the word of should or you should do that?

6. 1:02 – 1:09

   How 'you should' triggers guilt, defensiveness, and resistance

   1. SPSpeaker1:02

      I would feel like I've done something wrong.

   2. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:04

      And you might feel a bit resistant-

   3. SPSpeaker1:05

      I did

   4. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:05

      ... or you might feel a bit defensive.

   5. SPSpeaker1:06

      Immediately when you said, "Mel, you should," I was like-

   6. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:08

      You should

   7. SPSpeaker1:08

      ... "Now what did I do?"

7. 1:09 – 1:18

   Reactance: the psychology of 'don’t tell me what to do'

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:09

      It's because we experience something called reactance, which is this deep internal feeling of resistance. "Don't tell me what to do."

   2. SPSpeaker1:15

      Yep.

   3. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:15

      We want to feel like we're in control.

   4. SPSpeaker1:17

      Uh-huh.

8. 1:18 – 1:38

   'Should' shuts down problem-solving; swap to 'could'

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:18

      When we're saying should to ourselves, when we struggle with autonomy, it makes us feel terrible. Now, research also shows that the language of should cuts off divergent thinking. We don't think as clearly. We don't think of solutions. We don't think of options. There is one swap. Move from should to could. "Okay, what could I do right now?"

   2. SPSpeaker1:37

      Hmm.

9. 1:38 – 2:08

   The 'Could list' → 'I will list' exercise to restore autonomy

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:38

      You're not committing to anything. It's really low stakes. And again, I encourage people to grab a sheet of paper, divide it into two. On the left, you write down your could list, all the things that you could do in the moment. Then you move into your I will list. Pick one, two, or three things that you've identified, and actually do them. Actually take the step. This is how you increase your autonomy. You bring your locus of control back inwards, and it's so incredibly simple, and it gets you out of the complaining spiral because

10. 2:08 – 2:14

    Exiting the complaining spiral by reclaiming power through action

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai2:08

       sometimes all you need in that moment is to feel powerful and to do something.

Episode duration: 2:14