How to deal with difficult people - 4 Magic Phrases to respond to almost any insult

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   Intro

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:00

      [upbeat music]

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   Workplace insults & passive-aggressive jabs: why they hit so hard

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:00

      In this video, I'm going to explain how four magic phrases can help you respond to any challenging or confrontational person without you feeling like giving them a high five in the face with a chair. [upbeat music] Hi, I'm Shade Zahrai, and I help professionals to hack their careers, overcome their limiting beliefs, and confidently create the extraordinary life they deserve. You know when you have those moments at work where you're interacting with someone and they say things or act in a way that really triggers you? Maybe they insinuate

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   The body’s threat response: amygdala activation and stress hormones

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      something negative about your work or your abilities, or they put you down in a really sneaky, passive-aggressive way, making it impossible for you to respond without looking bad. It can feel really horrible when it happens, especially if it's repeated over time, because it's extremely degrading. You might experience a sick feeling in your gut. Maybe your heart rate elevates and your body heats up. You can literally feel the emotions bubbling inside of you, starting to take control. What's happening here is your amygdala, that's the emotion center in your brain, is responding

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   Modern ‘tigers’ at the office: perception vs. real danger

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:00

      to your thoughts of a perceived danger or threat. The emotional trigger within you instantly raises your adrenaline and cortisol levels, literally priming your body to fight or run. Now, there's a very good reason that we evolved this way, because this response helped keep your ancestors alive for tens of thousands of years when they needed to survive saber-toothed tigers. But chances are your office isn't crawling with predators, yet your amygdala doesn't know the difference between the threat of a tiger or someone saying things that you interpret as hurtful. Once your mind perceives this danger as a threat, your amygdala is triggered into

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   Fight, flight, freeze at work—and the question of control

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:31

      action to prime you to fight or flight. So you might find yourself either running away by leaving the room or zoning out, or you might find yourself in fight mode, snapping back, responding abruptly, or simply just burning up inside, thinking about all the things you wish you could say to that person. Now, you might be wondering, what causes you to see something as a threat? And is it even a threat at all, or is it just your perception? Wouldn't it be great if in these situations we could just remain calm and stay in control of our emotions? The reality is that sometimes

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   Stepping off the emotional rollercoaster: awareness before reaction

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      we have no control over sudden emotions, but the choice that we have is how we choose to respond to them, and that requires self-awareness of your emotional response and then choosing whether to get on the emotional rollercoaster ride or to say, "Yep, there's a rollercoaster, but, uh, no, thanks. I'll pass." In other words, instead of becoming the emotion, you're aware of it and you choose to let go of it. Now, this is easier said than done. The purpose of this video isn't to go into the practice of mindfulness and how to quieten the amygdala and all the other important strategies

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   A practical script: the four ‘magic phrases’ to buy time and stay composed

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai2:32

      around emotional resilience. I'll be visiting those in future videos. Instead, what I'll share with you is a super practical sequence of four very simple phrases, magic phrases, if you like, which you can use to respond to anything that anyone says to you. It'll keep you out of the emotional response trap, which you might later regret, while buying yourself time to think and regain your composure. I've borrowed these four phrases from communication expert Dan O'Connor, who is a genius when it comes to workplace communication. These four

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   Step zero: breathe to interrupt the ‘amygdala hijack’

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai3:02

      magic phrases can save you from trouble by shifting the focus back onto your antagonizer. So when you find yourself facing a challenging person, the first thing you wanna do is take a breath. You see, when your amygdala is activated and firing, it hijacks your thinking. It's literally called an amygdala hijack because it shuts down the important part of your brain, the prefrontal cortex. This is the rational part of your brain that keeps you calm. When we take an extra moment to breathe, we allow oxygen back into the prefrontal cortex, helping us regain our composure and to rationally process

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   The core pattern-breaker: ‘That’s interesting. Tell me more.’

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai3:32

      what just happened. And then, and only then, do we move on to our four magic phrases, and they all start with the same foundation. They all start with, "That's interesting." The first phrase is, "That's interesting. Tell me more." Why start with that's interesting? Well, firstly, it's not how the antagonizer will expect you to respond. This instantly breaks the pattern of this type of engagement. Secondly, this can make the person feel validated, which is often all workplace bullies really want. They want to feel heard and valued, so

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    Why ‘That’s interesting’ works: disarming bullies and de-escalating conflict

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       you're valuing them in a slightly unusual way. You're not agreeing with them. You're simply acknowledging that they have shared or have done something that you're curious about. This is the number one way to diffuse an antagonizer, a triggered colleague, or even a bully. You definitely wanna consciously add this to your communication toolbox. This phrase can help you navigate so many different challenging situations. I've even used it with coaching clients, nasty commenters on LinkedIn, and even in personal relationships, so it's extremely versatile. Here are the three other variations

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    The full set: three more variations to match what they said/did/asked

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai4:33

       of the magic question. Number two, "That's interesting. What made you say that?" Number three, "That's interesting. What made you do that?" And number four, "That's interesting. What made you ask that?" When you reply to anything someone throws at you with, "That's interesting. Tell me more," "That's interesting. Why would you say or ask that?" "That's interesting. Why would you do that?" There's no situation that you can't respond to. Say you're having challenges with your new team leader who's always saying something about your performance in a derogatory way in front of others. Using

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    Workplace example: responding to a derogatory team leader with dignity

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       the magic phrases, you can now respond with, "That's interesting. What led you to say that?" Instead of confronting them or being passive and just letting them get away with it, you can actually be empowered to speak up confidently and assertively, but in a dignified way. Sometimes antagonizers are just bullies looking for a negative reaction, and when they don't get what they expected, they're forced to reassess their behavior. What happens when you ask these "that's interesting" questions is that you're deflecting back

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    Spotlight shift: deflection back to motives + family-life example

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:34

       to the person who said or did something that doesn't sit right with you. You're shifting the spotlight back to them for them to explain themselves and their motives. Best of all, you give yourself time so you don't come back with something you might later regret. It's a genius approach to dealing with challenging people and challenging situations, and it works just as well for family. Before I got married, I'd constantly hear the statement from family, "So when are you gonna settle down and find yourself a husband?" I used to deflect the question and make all sorts of excuses. Instead, I

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    Make it automatic: rehearse the phrases and use them in the moment

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai6:04

       could have just said, "That's interesting. Why would you ask me something like that?" And all of a sudden, the whole game changes. They're forced to explain themselves. It works for spouses and children, for parents, for friends. These magic phrases are very broad in their application. So here's what you're going to do. You're going to write down these four questions on a Post-it or a piece of paper, and you're going to stick them somewhere you'll see them every day. Repeat them each day when you get up so it becomes part of your personal vernacular and toolbox of communication phrases. And next time you

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    Wrap-up: viewer prompt and call to action

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai6:34

       feel your emotions bubbling up because of what someone else has said or what they've done to you at work, whip out one of them. You may just be amazed at what you receive back. So that's it for today's video. If you found this video useful, please go ahead and hit the like button, and please spread the word on social media. And in the comments below, let me know what you do to manage your emotions when people at work say something that's not very cool. What are your go-to phrases for getting through these moments? I'm Shade Zahrai. I'll see you next time. [upbeat music]

Episode duration: 7:12