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Transcript
35 min read · 7,127 words- 0:00 – 0:06
Intro
- SPSpeaker
[on-hold jingle]
- 0:06 – 1:51
Kristin Neff’s path to self-compassion: divorce, stress, and meditation in Berkeley
- SPSpeaker
We have a very, very special guest with us here today. Uh, her name is Kristin Neff. [laughs]
- KNKristin Neff
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
Uh, and we have a very interesting topic, uh, for today. So thank you so much for being here.
- KNKristin Neff
You're welcome.
- SPSpeaker
Thank you.
- KNKristin Neff
[audience applauds] So let me just tell you briefly about, um, how I got involved with self-compassion, and how I got to the point where it is now, where it's really my life's work. Um, it actually all started not too far from here. I was going to graduate school at UC Berkeley, um, getting my PhD, and basically my life was a mess. I had just gotten out of a divorce, it was very messy, I was feeling a lot of shame. Um, I was under a lot of stress, not so much about would I get my, um, PhD, but was I gonna get a job after [laughs] getting my PhD? That was a big stressor for me. Um, and so, you know, I was in Berkeley, and I had heard about meditation, and I had heard that meditation was good for stress, and there was literally, um, a meditation group just down the block from me. So I went to this meditation group, um, and really to my surprise, the woman leading the group, uh, talked about the importance of self-compassion, about how we had this ability to be kind, supportive, caring to ourselves, um, when times were difficult. Uh, and it was, it was, like, exactly the message I needed to hear in that moment. Um, believe it or not, I started changing the way I related to myself. Instead of judging myself and shaming myself, I started to try to be like a kind, supportive friend. Um, and it made a huge difference almost immediately. Uh, and then luckily, I did get a job. [laughs] I got a job at, um, UT Austin, where I am now. And then, uh, I decided I wanted to research self-compassion
- 1:51 – 2:51
Why self-compassion instead of self-esteem: the limits of ego and contingency
- KNKristin Neff
because I thought it offered a lot of benefits, um, that self-esteem didn't. I actually did two years of post-doctoral study with a self-esteem researcher, and while I was, while I was working with her, I realized self-esteem, although it's good for mental health, is pretty problematic. For instance, um, to have high self-esteem, we have to be special and above average. Like, everyone has to be at the same time special and above average, which is basically a logical impossibility, right? So, um, we, we, we get involved with all these ego games trying to raise our self-esteem, subtly putting other people down or getting ego defensive. Um, the other problem with self-esteem is it's really contingent, right? Self-esteem's there for you when things are going well, but what happens when you fail? Your self-esteem deserts you. So I was learning all this in my post-doc, and I was practicing self-compassion and seeing, um, really what a stable refuge self-compassion was in terms of self-worth. So when I got to UT Austin, um, I decided I wanted to
- 2:51 – 3:22
The three components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness
- KNKristin Neff
conduct research on that. So the way I d- I define self-compassion is I define it as having three main components, right? This is, um, kindness toward oneself, um, a recognition of common humanity, and mindfulness. A lot of people have talked about mindfulness. And mindfulness is actually embedded in the construct of self-compassion, the way I see it. So let me take you through each of these, um, a little bit more closely. So [sighs] the idea is, with self-compassion,
- 3:22 – 5:54
Self-kindness: being a supportive friend to yourself (including “fierce” compassion)
- KNKristin Neff
again, we treat ourselves with the same kindness, care, and concern that we show to a good friend, as opposed to harsh self-judgment. Um, you know, the Bible says, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Good idea, but really not such a good idea to do unto others as you do unto yourself, 'cause most of us are shockingly cruel with ourselves. We say things to ourselves, kind of mean, harsh, cruel, shaming things that we wouldn't say to anyone we cared about, that, in fact, we probably wouldn't even say to someone we didn't like very much, right? If you actually start to tune into your internal dialogue, um, most people are surprised by how hard they are with themselves. So the idea is, with self-compassion, we start changing the way we talk to ourselves. We start changing the way we relate to ourselves. We tend to be kind, caring, patient, understanding, the way we are with a friend, as opposed to impatient, cold, and cruel, right? Um, so self-kindness, um, it involves, first of all, soothing and comforting ourselves in times of struggle, the way you might with a friend who is upset or a loved one. Um, it also involves supporting and protecting ourselves, right? So self-compassion, it's not just, like, touchy, feely, warm fuzzies. Self-compassion can actually be quite fierce. It can say, "Listen, I need to stand up for myself. I need to protect myself. I need to draw boundaries sometimes." That's really part of being a good friend to yourself, is also standing up for yourself when you need it the most. Okay. So self-compassion, um, basically the, to sum up what compassion is, um, technically compassion is defined as concern with the alleviation of suffering. And that's the same with self-compassion as well. It means we are actively concerned with our own suffering, and we say, "What do I need in the moment?" And then we try to give ourselves what we need to alleviate our suffering. And by the way, just, like, a little footnote. When I use the word suffering, I just mean any sort of emotional pain. Some people, they hear the word suffering, they think, like, Jesus dying on the cross. That's not the way [laughs] I'm using it. So if, if that's a connotation for you, just recognize when I use the word suffering, I just mean any moment of emotional pain, which from my point of view, is worthy of a compassionate response. Okay. So self-kindness in, in a way is the most salient aspect of self-compassion, but there's also a very important element to self-compassion that helps
- 5:54 – 9:26
Common humanity vs. self-pity: a parenting story about reframing isolation
- KNKristin Neff
differentiate it from self-pity, right? We don't like people who are lost in self-pity, do we? So what's the difference between self-compassion and self-pity? They're like near enemies. They look kind of similar, but they're actually radically different. So with self-compassion, we recognize that imperfection is part of the shared human experience, that every single person in the world is imperfect. I mean, you may have a few people you really like, you think are close, maybe His Holiness the Dalai Lama or some author you love, but I assure you even they probably have their bad days, [laughs] right? We know no person is perfect, and no one leads a perfect life. Okay? So we know this logically, but what happens emotionally when we fail, or we make a mistake, or we feel inadequate about something, is we feel like something has gone wrong, right? Think about it. I failed. Something has gone wrong. This isn't supposed to happen. It's a... It's kind of an irrational assumption, but in the moment, we feel as if everyone else in the world is living a perfectly normal, problem-free life, and it's just me who's failed, who's gotten dumped by my boyfriend or whatever it is. Now, this is a problem because not only are we suffering, we feel all alone in our suffering. So with self-compassion, we remember, wait, this is normal. This is what's supposed to be ha- happening. No one ever said I wasn't gonna fail or experience hardship. Um, and I'll just tell you a little personal story where I saw how, um, powerful this can be, the switch, in my own life. Um, so, uh, s- if you, if you haven't read the book, when you read the book, you'll find out, um, my son Rowan is autistic, and, um, I remember when he was about four years old, I have a very clear memory of taking him to the park, and there were other mothers there with their kids. And, you know, all the other kids were playing and laughing and interacting. You know, and here's Rowan on the slide, just stimming away, right? Not interacting with the other kids. And I started going down the path of self-pity, right? I started thinking, you know, "Why me? Why can't I have a normal, happy relationship, easy relationship with my child like everyone else?" Um, but I caught myself 'cause I'd been practicing self-compassion for many years at that point. And I realized, I said, "Kristin, wait a second." [laughs] You're assuming, like all the other mothers and kids on the playground, you're assuming that all these mothers are gonna grow up to have perfectly normal, problem-free relationships with their kids? Are you kidding? You know, surely they may develop other mental health issues or physical issues or maybe just have a very conflict-filled relationship. And I realized that actually, in fact, what unite us... what united all the mothers there on the playground that day was that we struggle with our kids, and we love them anyway, and we do our best. And this is, this isn't what separated me from the other mothers. This is what connected me to the other mothers. So the second I pulled myself out of that rabbit hole of self-pity and started giving myself self-compassion, you know, it's hard to be a parent. [laughs] It's, it's a challenge for all of us. Then, um, everything got reframed, and it really gave me more emotional resources to deal with the situation. Okay, so common humanity, um, is key. Uh, and then mindfulness, right? So as I said, we've heard a lot about mindfulness. I know Google's really into mindfulness. Mindfulness is, um, really the foundation
- 9:26 – 10:27
Mindfulness and overidentification: stepping outside the storyline to regain balance
- KNKristin Neff
of self-compassion. Okay? So mindfulness is basically being with what is in the present moment without resistance. Um, now, of course, when what's happening in the present moment is suffering, [laughs] we're going through a hard time, we're having difficulty, we're struggling in some way, we actually need to have the courage to be present with what's happening in order to have compassion for ourselves. And more than that, typically what happens is, um, when things are difficult, we, we're in a process like, I call overidentification. That's when we're fused with the storyline of what's happening. We're lost in the storyline. So in order to have compassion for yourself, and one of the reasons it's so beneficial, is you actually have to step outside of yourself and say, "Wow, you're really struggling. Are you okay? What do you need in this moment?" And that kind of stepping outside yourself to form a self-self relationship is one of the things that gives the emotional balance needed, um, to make wiser choices.
- 10:27 – 14:33
Embodied demo: what self-criticism, mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness feel like
- KNKristin Neff
Okay? So those are the three components, um, self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. And actually, hopefully I have time. I want to give you a little, uh, sense of what these feel like in your body, 'cause these are all inner concepts. Um, first I would like to give you, um, a taste of what self-criticism feels like. Okay? So please, everyone, if, if you're eating, just put it down for a second. Uh, s- uh, make two fists in front of your body like this. Go ahead and squ- go ahead and give them a good old squeeze. Um, and please do not release them till I say you can. Okay. And just keeping your fists like this for a few moments. Right, and as you make this gesture, just notice what, um, mood state does this evoke in you? What does this bring up for you? How is your mind in this posture? Defensive. Defensive. Stressed. Feel stressed. Aggressive. Tension. Sorry. Tension. What'd you say? Aggression. Aggression, right. It's pretty uncomfortable, right? Okay. This is what self-criticism feels like. You might even say, like, literally beating ourselves up. Most of the day, we go around with this attitude to ourselves, stressed, resistant, clash- clenched, aggressive, right? We... aggressive toward ourself. Okay, now finally, you have my permission to open your hands and just let them raise to the ceiling. Okay, so what shifts for you when you do this? Relaxed. Relaxed. Thank God, relief. [laughs] What else? How does this feel? What, what changes in your mind state compared to before? Open, right? More spacious, right? Feel lighter. Feel lighter, yes. So this actually is a metaphorical gesture for mindfulness. What happens when we stop resisting life and we just open to what is. There's a lot of spaciousness, a lot of room there. Um, now if you put both arms in front of you like this, right? Okay. So what, what comes up for you when you make this gesture? Safe. Sorry, what? Safe. Safe. Warm. Warm. Welcoming. Welcoming. Yeah. So in a way, this is a, a gesture of common humanity. When we give and receive, we welcome, we embrace other people, not just so self-focused, right? Um, and now if you put one hand over the other like this, and place both hands over the c- center of your chest. Right. And see if you just pause for a moment, really feel the warmth of your hands, and feel the touch of your hands on your chest. And so checking in, um, what mood state does this evoke in you? How does this feel? Confident. Say? Confident. Confident. Comforting. Comforting. Comforting. Were you gonna say something? Kind. Kind. Feels kind. Right. So this is, um, a gesture of self-kindness, you might say. This act of being there for ourselves. Um, but remember that self-compassion isn't just comforting and soothing. Um, there's another stance that kind of represents what we're doing. Um, and you're all sitting, but so you can sit if you want, you don't have to. But you know the horse stance in martial arts, kind of this grounded pose, your knees are bent and you've got your center of gravity, right? Self-compassion also gives you a center of gravity so that you can support yourself or move as you need to, um, or even defend yourself without being knocked off balance. So one of the things self-compassion gives you is the ability to get through difficult times with a sense of balance and support. So that's kind of what it feels
- 14:33 – 16:04
Cultural misgivings: “lazy,” “weak,” “selfish”—and why research addresses them
- KNKristin Neff
like in your body. [laughs] Um, just to say, okay, um, you might be thinking, "Okay, sounds good," but we have a lot of misgivings as a culture about self-compassion. I mean, we aren't raised thinking this is a good idea. What are some of the misgivings we have as a culture, maybe yourself or your friends that you hear expressed? It's bold or- Yes ... advanced. Absolutely. Yeah. The number one, actually, misgiving about self-compassion is that it will undermine your motivation. You'll be lazy, you won't, you won't... You'll lose your edge. Yeah. There's, there's lots of other misgivings that we just aren't so sure it's such a good thing. Letting yourself off the hook. Right. So just letting yourself off the hook, it's an excuse. Um, that it's a reflection of like weakness. That it's weakness. Yeah. It's for sissies. I remember once a, a New York Times article came out about my work, and I really thought all the comments would be good. [laughs] I, I really did. About a third of them weren't, and I got comments like, "Oh, great. Just what we need, a nation of sissies." Right? So people think it's for sissies, it's weak. Yeah. Maybe like selfish? It's selfish, right? Ar- aren't you supposed to be focused on compassion for others? What do you mean give compassion for myself, right? So there's a lot of very common misgivings. Um, uh, very... You know, it used to be I would... I could give you lots of very well argued, um, th- reasons why I think these misgivings are, um, misconceptions. But actually, now we have the research to really address all these misgivings. So just
- 16:04 – 20:33
What the research shows: well-being, stable self-worth, resilience, and healthier behaviors
- KNKristin Neff
a, a little chart you can see. Um, back in 2003 there, I published a first, um, theoretical article on self-compassion, what it is, and I created a scale to measure it. And now it's just exploding, the res- I can't even keep up with the research. It's absolutely amazing. So we've got a... We know a lot now about self-compassion and how it works. So just to say, um, first of all, uh, self-compassion is strongly predictive of well-being. So people who are more self-compassionate or who are helped, um, taught to be more self-compassionate, um, they tend to be less depressed, less- tend to be less anxious, um, they're less likely to suffer from shame, suicidal ideation. Um, at the same time, they're happier and they're more optimistic, right? They're m- they're more, um, hopeful about their future. So this kind of overlaps with self-esteem. We also know that self-esteem is good for well-being. People with high self-esteem are also, you know, have better mental health. The difference between self-esteem and self-compassion is that, first of all, self-esteem is based on social comparisons often, right? You have to be better than others to be, to have high self-esteem. With self-compassion, you just have to be like a wreck like every other human being. [laughs] You don't have to be better than anyone, right? You just have to be human. Um, also the sense of self-worth linked with self-compassion is much more stable than self-esteem. So we did one study where we tracked people's sense of self-worth for, um, 12 times over eight months, and self-esteem, it went up and down based on how your day was going, your latest success or failure. Self-compassion was a much more stable source of self-worth. It's there for you actually precisely when self-esteem deserts you, and that's when you fall flat on your face or you make a mistake or you're struggling in some way. Um, and so is, is self-compassion weak, right? What we're finding, in fact, is that I feel comfortable, because I'm a little biased, but I feel comfortable saying that self-compassion is probably one of the biggest sources of strength, resilience, and coping we have available, right? So lots of research, people going through a divorce or one study came out of people coming back, um, veterans coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan. And what they find is the way people treat themselves in these hard times, you know, the level of self-compassion, support, inner, inner, um, being an inner ally as opposed to an inner enemy, that that's what predicts whether or not they do things like develop PTSD, um, nine months later. So self-compassion will help you get through hard times. It's a strength, absolutely, not a weakness. Um- It's linked to healthier behaviors. Yeah, a lot of people think self-compassion means being self-indulgent. You know, "Oh, I wanna be nice to myself. I think I'll have that bowl of ice cream," and then another and another, and you know, is that being nice to yourself, right? [laughs] It's actually not. Self-indulgence means, um, choosing long-term harm over short-term pleasure. People who are self-compassionate, they want, they wanna alleviate their own suffering, so they do things like they exercise more, they eat better food, they go to the doctor more regularly. They take care of themselves. Um, so i- is self-compassion, uh, selfish? Um, I'll say if... You guys are a pretty young crowd. Some of you are probably, like, on, doing the online dating thing, or I don't know what apps you've got these days, but you're probably maybe on the market. Um, you can actually take the self-compassion test on my website, so I would suggest getting their score before meeting for coffee.
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- KNKristin Neff
[laughs] Maybe not, but regardless, um, the idea is we know that people who are more self-compassionate are rated by their partners as being much better relationship partners. They're more giving. They're more intimate. They're less controlling. They're less aggressive in the relationship. So in fact, what we know is that when you give yourself what you need, when you have this pool of compassion to draw on for yourself, you actually have more to give to others, so it leads to less selfish behavior, not more selfish behavior. Um, and in fact, we also know that people who are, um, more self-compassionate, not only are they more compassionate to others, they're more able to sustain compassion for others, right? So if you have this pattern where I'm giving, I'm giving, I'm giving, I'm giving to my friends, I'm giving to my partner, I'm giving to my children, and you don't recharge your own batteries and you don't give yourself what you need, you will burn out. So, um, a lot of the research I'm doing now actually is, like, teaching, uh, self-compassion to caregivers to help them prevent burnout. So I just wanna have
- 20:33 – 22:22
Motivation and performance: how self-compassion supports standards without shame spirals
- KNKristin Neff
a little more detail on this one, the idea how it's linked to motivation, 'cause this is the one people just, they... It's, there's a lot of research on this, 'cause I think a lot of researchers thought, "No, this can't be true. Surely not." But it is, right? So, um, we have lots of research showing, first of all, people who are self-compassionate, their standards are just as high. You know, they, they also want the best for themselves. The difference is what happens when a self-compassionate person doesn't meet their standards, right? So a self-critical person, when they fail, beats themselves up. "Oh, I'm terrible. I can't... I should've gotten it right," and they, like, you know, this whole slew of self-judgment and self-criticism, which does two things. A, it undermines your self-confidence, right? When you think, "Oh, I'm a failure. I'm full of shame," shame is not exactly the most motivating mind state we can have. So it undermines our self-confidence, and what happens is we come, we become afraid of failure, we develop performance anxiety, and it actually undermines our performance, this, this process of self-shame and self-criticism. Self-compassion, on the other hand, when you know it's okay to fail, first of all, you can recognize that you failed because, you know, yeah, okay, it's safe to... Okay, I own it. I really messed up there. But just because I failed doesn't mean I am a failure. So self-compassionate people, um, are much more, uh, much less likely to be afraid of failure, and when they do fail, they're much more likely, um, to try again and to keep on trying, okay? So for instance, they just studied UC Berkeley where they had people... They, they gave these students one of those impossible vocabulary tests that everyone failed, and half the students, they told them to be self-compassionate. They gave them self-compassion instructions. The other half, they said, "Hey, don't worry about it. You must be smart. You got into Berkeley," right?
- SPSpeaker
[laughs]
- 22:22 – 29:51
Guided practice: the “self-compassion break” (phrases, touch, and choosing a manageable stressor)
- KNKristin Neff
And then they had a second vocabulary test, and they rated how long did the students study for the second exam. So the ones who were helped to be self-compassionate spent a lot more time studying, and they kept trying even though, you know, the, the, the potential for failure was there, because they had this resilience and this strength to deal with it. Okay. Come on. I wanna teach you a little practice, um, because I'm hoping that you guys can actually, some point in your day today or the next week, um, can actually put this into practice and see how it, um, impacts how you relate to yourself in times of struggle. Because it's, it's more than just conceptual. This is actually a practice. Okay. So if someone comes in, uh, I think we've got 10 minutes, so just-
- SPSpeaker
I'm okay
- KNKristin Neff
... kick them out. Okay. All right. So, um, I invite everyone to, uh, close your eyes, partly just because, um, I want you to be able to go inward, and then I don't want you to feel like other people are looking at you, because I'm gonna have you make a few funny gestures. Sorry. Okay. All right. So with our eyes closed, um, actually, the first thing I'd like us to do is see if we can find a type of, um, supportive gesture, physical touch that feels supportive. Um, some people really like the hands-on-the-heart touch I, I used earlier, but actually a lot of people don't like that. It feels vulnerable. It doesn't really, uh, affect them. So I want us just to see if we can find some sort of touch that feels, um, good for us. So w- why don't we go ahead and start again with the hands on heart like we did before. All right. Just noticing how that feels. Um, a lot of people love this gesture. It feels safe and comforting and soothing. Um, but as I said, a lot of people don't like this. It feels weak or it feels vulnerable. So some other variations you can do is you can try putting a fist on your heart, a fist of, like, strength, courage, power, and then place the hand gently over the fist. All right. Some people like this. Oftentimes men like this gesture more. Okay. Um, you can try putting both hands on your belly. Right, just supporting your belly. And then both hands on your face. Okay, so just take a moment to see if you can find some touch that works for you. Um, it's amazing, if you have a self-compassionate touch, it cuts through all the mental chatter, and you can go straight toward kind of emotionally giving to yourself. So just experiment a little bit. Our eyes are still closed, and for now, choose something that seems to work kind of okay. It's not a lifelong commitment. Just try it out for now. I mean, we're gonna use this in the next exercise. Okay, so wh- while our eyes are still closed... And I hear the noise of people are coming in. That's all right. So what I would invite you to do is see if you can think of, um, a real situation in your life right now that's causing you some stress or struggle or some emotional difficulty. Right? This may be a relationship issue, a work issue, um, a health issue. Right. Um, don't, don't choose your most overwhelmingly difficult problem because we're just practicing. [laughs] We don't wanna overwhelm ourselves. But something that's real, something that's, you know, you can kind of feel the stress of it in your body. So taking a moment to think of this situation. Right? Call it into your mind's eye. You know, who said what, uh, what happened, what are you afraid might happen. Okay. So see if you can make it real. Bring it into the present moment. Then I'm gonna say a series of phrases designed to evoke the three components of self-compassion. Um, so the first phrase is, "This is a moment of suffering." Okay? This is mindfulness. We're being, we're being aware of what's happening. But that language may not be the best for you. You can say something like, "This is really hard right now," or, "I'm struggling." Okay? So we wanna use our mindfulness to just name and become aware of the fact of what's happening, which is, this is, this is difficult. Okay. The second phrase is, uh, suffering or struggle, stress, it's a part of life. Right? So we're just remembering our common humanity. This is normal to feel this way. Things like this happen. They hurt, but it's normal. It's part of being a human. I'm not alone in feeling this way. Okay. And then, so for the third component, self-kindness, I'd invite you to adopt whatever gesture you found feels kind of comforting, hand on heart or elsewhere, fist on heart, hand on stomach, whatever seems like it gives you that feeling of being supported. Right. And so the third phrase is, "May I be kind to myself." Right? So what does this mean? It's asking, what do I need in this moment? And seeing if you can kind of wish that for yourself. Maybe you know what you need is patience or courage. Or maybe what you need is to accept yourself that little bit more. Right? Just asking yourself, "What do I need?" And wishing that for yourself. Um, and if, and if you're getting a little stuck with the language, it's often really useful to think, you know, what would I say to a close friend who was going through the exact same situation I'm going through? Right? We're often kind of naturally more compassionate to our friends. So thinking about what you would say and also maybe the tone of voice you would use, the warmth that would be in your voice. Right? And then, then just try it out with yourself. See if you can speak to yourself the same way you would speak to a friend you cared about with the same issue. Okay, and then letting the practice go. Put your hands back by your sides. Um,
- 29:51 – 41:31
Making it real: awkwardness, habit formation, and Q&A on cynicism, the inner critic, and kids/teens
- KNKristin Neff
you can open your eyes. So, um, this is called the self-compassion break. It's one of the kinda most handy dandy tools from the Mindful Self-Compassion program we teach. Um, but the idea is, in the moment of struggle, not like, you know, in a separate time when you're meditating or... You can do it then too, but in the heat of the moment, you remind yourself of the three components of compassion. Being mindful that you're having a hard time, remembering- This is part of life. It's not just me. This is, this is part of being human. And then bringing kindness to yourself, right? Um, it could often feel weird at first, absolutely. It often feels very strange [laughs] to speak to yourself like you'd speak to a good friend. It feels, it can feel fake and phony at first, just to normalize that. Um, but eventually you start to form new habits, and it starts to feel natural to be kind to yourself as opposed to awkward. Um, and if you really work with this practice, if you really work on integrating self-compassion into your life, um, th- what the research shows is that, like I said, it's, it's an, a tremendous source of, of resilience, coping, self-confidence, uh, and motivation. Uh, there's also research now showing it's good for your physical health, for immune function, for instance. Um, I was just curious about your view on cynicism and sort of ways that might undermine sort of the overall structure- Yeah ... and how to fight that. So again, in our culture, the, the... because a lot of people think that self-compassion is soft, they're kind of cynical about like, oh, all this hearts and flowers stuff. Um, so it is, it is a block, right? Um, and for some people, I mean, I'm really comfortable calling myself sweetheart. I'm mushy. I have a son. But a lot of people aren't. So the really important thing is to find language that works for you. Like, "Dude, I got your back." I mean, that can be whatever. It, you know, be your own wing man. However you wanna language it, it doesn't have to be warm. But absolutely, you know, cynicism, right? Is it gonna be better for you to support yourself or to undermine yourself? I mean, duh. You know, it's so funny our culture somehow thinks that by cutting yourself down, that's gonna help you. Obviously, it won't, and all the research shows it won't as well. So if you wanna do your best, and you can be as dry as you want, you don't have to be warm and mushy, regardless, you wanna be your own support system as opposed to pulling the rug out from underneath yourself, which is what most of us actually do with self-criticism. So the cynicism is there, and it's, people just have to find out for themselves does it work or not, basically. But yeah, absolutely. Yes.
- SPSpeaker
Hi, thanks for coming today.
- KNKristin Neff
Sure.
- SPSpeaker
Um, I've tried a variety of, um, different styles of meditation-
- KNKristin Neff
Mm-hmm
- SPSpeaker
... in the past to try and calm my mind and-
- KNKristin Neff
Yes
- SPSpeaker
... calm down that voice that's constantly running and criticism, and-
- KNKristin Neff
Yes
- SPSpeaker
... just find it challenging to kind of break past that and make it a pattern and a habit. What tips-
- KNKristin Neff
Yes
- SPSpeaker
... do you have i- i- in y- in your approach towards self-compassion and working at self-compassion to take-
- KNKristin Neff
Yes
- SPSpeaker
... some of the early steps or things to keep in mind a- about the process? Maybe too often I've-
- KNKristin Neff
Yes
- SPSpeaker
... expected I'm gonna have this instant breakthrough. Um, how would you-
- KNKristin Neff
Yes
- SPSpeaker
... advise someone to go about it and make it work?
- KNKristin Neff
Absolutely. So f- the first thing is, um, we can't get rid of the voice, right? The voice is there. We didn't choose to have the voice. A lot of us, especially depending on our family histories, you know, we have the voice more deeply than others. The first thing to do is, um, recognize that your inner critical voice is actually trying to help you. It's not doing a great job of it [laughs] , but it's trying to help you. Usually, the inner critic is trying to point out some danger. You know, "Danger. Danger. Don't do that. Don't do that. You know, if you'd done that, it wouldn't, this problem wouldn't have happened." So you might think of it as like a three-year-old trying to help you in the only language it knows how, which is the language of self-criticism. So when you recognize, you could even try saying like, "Thank you. Um, I hear you. Okay, I see what you're trying to point out." Um, but then the u- the, the only problem with that self-critical voice is that it's counterproductive, because by using the harsh language and the harsh tone, it actually doesn't help you. So ident- you know, acknowledging the inner critic and then just saying, "Is there another part of me that also usually wants the same goal?" I believe that we all have an inner compassionate self, and it's not just a spiritual thing. We know like, you know, evolutionarily that we all, our, the brain, the human brain is wired for compassion. It's part of our biological makeup. So we can tap into that part of ourself, which is usually a little wiser, um, and also think, you know, what is this part of myself, the part of me that knows how to be a supportive, good friend, what does this have to say about whatever's going on? So don't try to fight the self-critic. Really see if you can turn toward it. Appreciate it for how it's trying to help you, but then just don't let it, you know, be the only voice in your head. Hopefully, it can have a little more room to, to, to let in some other voices. Yeah, so. It really, it really is our friend. It's just like, I think of it as like a tantruming two-year-old. Ah, you know? Oh. [laughs] Oh, and also, um, the other good thing is just to tune into the pain of self-criticism. You know, it hurts. Oh. You know, turn tenderness toward this very human process of self-criticism as well. And please do not beat yourself up for beating yourself up. I've, I've gotten emails from people said, "Thanks for, you know, giving me one more thing that I'm bad at, self-compassion." You know, it's like, "Oh, that's not what I meant." [laughs] Right? So we wanna be kind about the process, and it's slow. And again, if you have a family history where this is what you were raised with, it will, it will go slower. Just allow yourself to be a slow learner, and be patient. And being patient and understanding with the self-critic, that actually is self-compassion.
- SPSpeaker
In your last response, you actually mentioned, um, this young child's mentality.
- KNKristin Neff
Yes.
- SPSpeaker
And that was a good lead into my question, is-
- KNKristin Neff
Okay
- SPSpeaker
... do you have some suggestions for teaching self-compassion to young kids?
- KNKristin Neff
Yeah. Um, so, um, f- I think the, the number one best way to do it, of, of course, is to model it. You know, a lot of parents are so good about not harshly criticizing their kids and trying to be supportive, and then they drop the glass on the floor and say, "Oh, I'm such an idiot." You know? So really being conscious of what you're modeling. I, I really believe that if you, uh, outwardly model self-compassion in moments of mistake or something, kids will pick up on that message. Um, the other cool thing is that, um, all human beings, our brains are wired for emotional resonance. We pick up on what other people are feeling. So believe it or not, if you are really e- Self-critical around your kids. Um, your kids will notice the self-criticism and respond to it. The, I'll just give you an example with my son, Rowan, right? So when he was... He's, he's doing great now, but when he was younger, he would have these horrible autism tantrums, like just really off the charts. And if I, you know, and sometimes it, when I got irritated, oh my God, I, you know, I mu- I've blown it, or I triggered him, or I don't know what to do, and I got really frustrated with myself, he would ramp up. It's like he would read my emotions. So what I learned to do when he would throw an almighty tantrum is I would just flood myself with compassion. This is so hard right now. You know, I'm here for you. [laughs] I'd, I'd make sure he was safe, but like 95% of my attention was on me. And inevitably, he would pick up on that, and he would start to calm down because he would read my mind state. So as a parent, you know, that relationship is so close. If you embody, y- another term for, uh, I like to use for self-compassion is loving, connected presence. Kindness, common humanity, mindfulness, loving, connected presence. So if you just think when you're around your kid, "How can I embody a state of loving, connected presence?" That will do a few things. First of all, they'll feel your loving, connected presence. It will also mean your parenting is that much more balanced and wise, et cetera. So, um, that's kind of step one, and, you know, there probably are techniques to develop, but I haven't done that yet. So that, that's, that's what I do. [laughs]
- SPSpeaker
Hi there. Thank you so much for coming.
- KNKristin Neff
Sure.
- SPSpeaker
Um, I'm so glad that, uh, you asked that question because my question is on the same lines of, um-
- KNKristin Neff
Uh-huh
- SPSpeaker
... for kids.
Episode duration: 41:46
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Transcript of episode y0gtnOXAp-U
