Dr. Becky: You’re Not a Bad Parent, You’re Overwhelmed

1. 0:00 – 0:08

   Parenting stress is overwhelming half of parents

   1. SPSpeaker0:00

      An advisory from the surgeon general found nearly half of parents say most days their stress is completely overwhelming, and when parents are stressed out, it affects their kids.

2. 0:08 – 0:44

   Dr. Becky says parenting is a full-time job

   1. TNTrevor Noah0:08

      Parenting sh- is a full-time job. Yeah. You know, we all work, but parenting is hard. 'Cause parenting is not easy. Never has been- Yeah ... never will be.

   2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:15

      At Good Inside, we believe parenting isn't something you're supposed to just know. It's something you can learn.

   3. TNTrevor Noah0:22

      That's the one and only Becky Kennedy, AKA Dr. Becky, as she's known, also known as the Millennial Parent Whisperer. Many parents love the clinical psychologist's videos and podcasts on everything from tantrums to mom rage. She's got more than four million followers across social media platforms.

   4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:36

      And she believes that parents and children are good inside.

   5. TNTrevor Noah0:43

      [upbeat music]

3. 0:44 – 1:35

   Who is Dr. Becky, the Millennial Parent Whisperer

   1. TNTrevor Noah0:45

      This is What Now? with Trevor Noah. This episode is presented by Whole Foods Market. Eat well for less. [upbeat music] Dr. Becky, thank you for joining us.

   2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:02

      Thanks for having me.

   3. TNTrevor Noah1:03

      I, I, I told you right before we started recording, but I'll tell you again, I don't think there's a topic that excites me more than parenting. Genuinely, genuinely, genuinely. Like, like, I, I followed your, your work. Um, I think I first became aware of you, like most people, during the pandemic, you know, when everyone was forced to be at home with their actual kids, and then they started realizing that they don't like them. And your- [laughs]

   4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:29

      [laughs]

   5. TNTrevor Noah1:29

      And then your videos became the salve. Your videos became the reprieve that parents

4. 1:35 – 2:01

   Trevor asks what she is truly trying to change

   1. TNTrevor Noah1:35

      needed in this time. Um, and then your book has been amazing, and I, I, I think, you know, like where, where I really wanted to get into this conversation from was behind the book, behind the titles, behind the social media is your purpose. And like what do you think you're trying to change? When you, when you actually get out there and you go, "Good Inside, parenting, this is the relationship you should be having with your kids so that your kids can have this relationship with you,"

5. 2:01 – 3:23

   Helping kids grow while parents heal themselves

   1. TNTrevor Noah2:01

      what do you think your end goal is?

   2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:02

      Uh, I think there's probably nothing like your relationship with your kid to allow this duality to happen at once, which is we can put better humans into the world, and we can heal so many of the unresolved parts of ourselves so we can grow-

   3. TNTrevor Noah2:18

      Hmm

   4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:18

      ... at the same time. And so someone else said this to me, and, and it's resonated more than anything I could come up with myself. She said to me, "Good Inside helps, you know, kind of my kid grow, and it helps me return."

   5. TNTrevor Noah2:31

      Oh, wow.

   6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:31

      And I think, I think that's kind of my and, uh, Good Inside's purpose.

   7. TNTrevor Noah2:36

      Oh, wow, I love that. Yeah, because oftentimes we, we think of parenting as a one-sided thing.

   8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:42

      Mm-hmm.

   9. TNTrevor Noah2:43

      You know, we think of people being parents, and that's it. We don't often think about them parenting themselves in the parenting that they're doling out.

   10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:53

       Yeah. I mean, I started, you know, early on in my career working with kids in child therapy. I'm a big believer in child therapy, play therapy, all of it. I just found myself thinking that, "Well, you're with me 45 minutes a week, and then you're with your parents all the other minutes-

   11. TNTrevor Noah3:10

       Hmm

   12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:10

       ... of the week."

   13. TNTrevor Noah3:10

       Yeah.

   14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:11

       Right? And so whatever I do with you, if there's, if your parents aren't along for the ride, if they're still triggered and yelling at you, then this is a little bit of a drop in the bucket. And so yeah, if a parent wants

6. 3:23 – 4:56

   Kids do not need perfect parents, they need repair

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:23

      to help their kid, or on the surface we always say we just wanna change our kid's behavior-

   2. TNTrevor Noah3:27

      Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

   3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:27

      ... or make them stop whining or have fewer tantrums, whatever it is, it brings up so much in us, right? I mean, that's really what happens, that parenting is kind of our best opportunity, I think, in adulthood for growth-

   4. TNTrevor Noah3:36

      Hmm

   5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:36

      ... 'cause you're just confronted by everything that you didn't yet figure out from your own childhood, and it just plays out before your eyes.

   6. TNTrevor Noah3:43

      As a, as a parent, how many times do you experience a tantrum from your kids where you forget all of the things that you've taught people?

   7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:52

      I, I mean, innumerable.

   8. TNTrevor Noah3:53

      [laughs]

   9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:53

      You know? I mean, I don't know. I haven't been, uh, than, too many times to tally, you know? Um, yeah, I mean, I, I, I, I really, I've said this before. I'll, I'll say it again, and I mean it with such honesty, that my kids don't have some Dr. Becky person as a mom.

   10. TNTrevor Noah4:08

       Yeah.

   11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:08

       Right? And, and I, and I also mean equally that I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. I mean, we learn the most in our relationships when people take responsibility for their behavior, when people repair. Um, I wouldn't wanna deprive my kids of that opportunity, and that's such a part of healthy relationships.

   12. TNTrevor Noah4:24

       Yeah.

   13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:24

       So certainly I have my moments. I can stay calm. A lot of it has to do with have I been taking care of myself, you know? Am I, you know, doing my own personal work? Certainly all of that contributes to my ability to stay calm when they're not.

   14. TNTrevor Noah4:36

       Hmm.

   15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:36

       And there's other days and weeks like anyone else when I've run myself into the ground or, you know, I said yes to too many people when inside I really wanted to say no. And then all it takes is my kid whining about dinner for me to completely lose it, and I lose it on my kid. But, but everything that happened leading up to that point-

   16. TNTrevor Noah4:53

       Yeah

   17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:53

       ... is really where the story is.

   18. TNTrevor Noah4:55

       Yeah, I love

7. 4:56 – 6:15

   Who you think you are vs who you were told you are

   1. TNTrevor Noah4:56

      that. I was talking to Eugene about this, like, before we came in. We were chatting about trying to find the balance between who you think you are versus who you wish to be and how complicated that is, and how oftentimes the story has been told to you by somebody else, oftentimes your parents. Like, that's like the first person in life who tells you-

   2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy5:16

      Yes

   3. TNTrevor Noah5:16

      ... who you are. Like they go, "You are a bad kid. You're a naughty kid." Like, when I was reading through your book, I was thinking, "Man, many of the labels I even hold of myself were donated to me-

   4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy5:27

      Hmm

   5. TNTrevor Noah5:27

      ... and I just kept them." I, I wasn't even told there was an option to not have them. So if you said, "Trevor, who are you?" I'd be like, "Oh, I was a naughty kid, and I was mischievous, and I was..." But that's not necessarily how I saw myself.

   6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy5:39

      Hmm.

   7. TNTrevor Noah5:39

      It's how I was told I was by the adults in my life.

   8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy5:43

      Yeah. I mean, I, I often tell parents this. We're our kids' mirror. So I think you're talking about words. Sometimes we tell our kids who they are through words.

   9. TNTrevor Noah5:51

      Mm-hmm.

   10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy5:51

       But if you're a mirror for your kid, you're showing them who they are, and then kids form their identity by taking that reflection in. And so it's one of the things that's really powerful for parents to know, 'cause let's even say there's two kids in the family, and so easily with two kids there can be a binary, right? Oh, this kid is really flexible and generous, and this can be really selfish, and why can't you just be more generous like

8. 6:15 – 7:08

   Parents as mirrors and how identity is formed

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy6:15

      your brother? Whatever it is.

   2. TNTrevor Noah6:16

      Yeah.

   3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy6:17

      And if you think about what I'm really doing is I'm saying to my kid, "You are selfish. That's the generous one. And so I'm showing you in this mirror you're selfish," but I'm acting like you're going to become more generous. The math doesn't even work, right?

   4. TNTrevor Noah6:31

      Mm.

   5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy6:31

      And so if we want to bring out the good inside our kids, we have to see that version. Which people then confuse with permissiveness. Oh, so everything goes? No, that's definitely not what it means.

   6. TNTrevor Noah6:44

      Yeah.

   7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy6:44

      But if I can't see the good inside my kid, they, they truly, you know, are gonna have a much harder time accessing it themselves.

   8. TNTrevor Noah6:51

      Which, that's actually a good point, which brings me to this point, actually, I've been thinking about a lot. In what you're saying, if parents are the mirrors to their children, which part does personality of the child play in the role of them growing up as an individual, as a human being who's gonna interact

9. 7:08 – 8:47

   Are kids born with personality

   1. TNTrevor Noah7:08

      with society meaningfully?

   2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:10

      Uh, so personality, temperament, right, definitely very related, but definitely our kids come into the world with certain predetermined characteristics. I mean, I have three kids. I saw that right away. I, if I think about my middle kid, that child would not take a bottle from me if she was looking at me. Not joking. I had to face her away.

   3. TNTrevor Noah7:32

      Wow.

   4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:33

      As soon as she saw the bottle was for me, breastfeeding was very difficult too-

   5. TNTrevor Noah7:38

      Yeah

   6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:38

      ... she would vomit her food. Like, and I can't even tell you how much this still represents so much of her. She likes to do things on her, on her own. She doesn't like to depend on people.

   7. TNTrevor Noah7:47

      Hm.

   8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:47

      She actually has such deep need for people, I think, that it really scares her, so she almost pushes them away.

   9. TNTrevor Noah7:52

      Hm.

   10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:52

       It w- it was there from the start. This is a kid who wouldn't eat any, um, kind of pureed foods because the only way to get that is to be given.

   11. TNTrevor Noah8:01

       Wow.

   12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:01

       Until, with a finger, she could eat it by herself, she wouldn't even eat anything besides from a bottle, that again, she'd only consume facing away. This is a kid also who had huge, big feelings from the start. The separation anxiety started way earlier. The stranger danger, so intense. That was with her right away. Now, then there's a match between that temperament and the environment you're in.

   13. TNTrevor Noah8:27

       Mm-hmm.

   14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:27

       Right? And I think if I think about my three kids, you know, the m- the match that happens, what is my kids' temperament? What do they come into the world with? How able am I to be the type of environment, you know, for this child to help them thrive? We're, we're better matches, or easier, more convenient matches

10. 8:47 – 9:57

    The match between temperament and environment

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:47

       for some of our kids than others. And then it's kind of that temperament times environment match that ends up forming a lot of personality.

    2. TNTrevor Noah8:56

       You-

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:56

       Hm

    4. TNTrevor Noah8:57

       ... you speak about good inside, and obviously that's, that's the, you know, the thesis behind your work and the book.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:02

       Yeah.

    6. TNTrevor Noah9:02

       And there's a, um, there's an anecdote that you share in the, in the book about being in Target, seeing this kid melt down. Like, just a kid throwing a mega tantrum. We've all seen it, you know, like the throw yourself on the ground-

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:12

       [laughs]

    8. TNTrevor Noah9:12

       ... start slamming the ground, drag yourself along. Like, you paint a vivid, vivid picture.

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:19

       [laughs]

    10. TNTrevor Noah9:19

        And as I'm reading the story, I'm already judging. I'm like, "Ah, oh, I know this kid. I know this type of spoiled kid, rotten kid, bad kid," all of these things. And then you, you, you have this moment where, you know, the, the kid is being told, "You're so bad. You're so bad. You're a bad kid." And you break it down differently. You know, this is one of the first moments where you talk about-

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:42

        Yeah

    12. TNTrevor Noah9:42

        ... like, the instruction of trying to highlight the good inside a child.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:46

        Yeah.

    14. TNTrevor Noah9:46

        You go, I, I wrote it down. You're like, you go, "You're having such a hard time leaving Target. I get it. We still have to go. I'm with you."

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:56

        Hm.

11. 9:57 – 12:42

    Your kid is a good kid having a hard time

    1. TNTrevor Noah9:57

       Now, when I was reading that, I was like, all right, I mean, I, I sort of see what you're saying. But if a parent said to a kid, "Hey, we gotta go, we gotta leave Target," versus, "Hey, you're having a tough time. Uh, I'm with you, but we've still gotta leave," what is the difference? Like, what does that actually change for the child?

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy10:12

       Yeah. And just for anyone listening, none of us are gonna quote, say the right thing all the time.

    3. TNTrevor Noah10:15

       Yeah.

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy10:15

       We all have our moments. There's certainly a time and a place for, you know, whatever we have to say to move things along quickly. But this phrase that's become in some way such an embodiment of, I guess, my philosophy, "You're a good kid having a hard time"-

    5. TNTrevor Noah10:28

       Hm

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy10:29

       ... is such a foundational and such a healing phrase because it does something very profound. It separates identity and behavior, and I think that's really what we're talking about, which is as applicable of an idea to a baby, to a toddler, to a teen, to an adult, right? We all have behavior we're not proud of at every age, and what feels awful in a relationship actually is, especially for a kid because they're dependent on us for survival-

    7. TNTrevor Noah10:55

       Mm

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy10:55

       ... is being seen as that behavior.

    9. TNTrevor Noah10:57

       Mm-hmm.

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy10:57

        Everything collapses in that moment. My kid is the tantrum. My kid is the selfishness. My kid is the entitlement. And then what happens emotionally for us is our kid becomes our enemy. That's just what happens. It's me against you. You are the enemy. You are the problem. I'm on one side. You're on the other side. You are the problem, and I then interact with you like that's true versus, hold on a second, I have a good kid. It's just always true. I think that is always true.

    11. TNTrevor Noah11:25

        Mm.

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:25

        I have a good kid, meaning their identity, what's inside is good, and that's kind of over here, and I like using my hands to make a visual, and over here can be a whole range of bad behavior.

    13. TNTrevor Noah11:36

        Mm.

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:36

        A tantrum, you know, lying to your face, um, saying, "I hate you," saying, "You're the worst mom ever. You do nothing for me," after getting back from, you know, I don't know, an amusement park where you took your kid-

    15. TNTrevor Noah11:46

        [laughs]

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:46

        ... where you didn't even wanna go in the first place. Right? This is what happens. So seeing your kid as a good kid having a hard time-

    17. TNTrevor Noah11:53

        Mm

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:53

        ... leads, leads to a profoundly different pathway than looking at them like they're a bad kid doing bad things.

    19. TNTrevor Noah12:00

        You know, the, what you've just tapped into is the reason I was so excited to have this conversation, is if you read this book- And you think to yourself, "Oh no, I don't have kids," or, "It's not about me," or, I think you're missing th- the core idea. It's sort of going to the very root of who we all are as human beings. 'Cause when I read through this story, I went, how many times have each of us or any of us been in a relationship where someone says, "This is who you are."

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:25

        Mm-hmm.

    21. TNTrevor Noah12:26

        You know? "You're an inconsiderate person. You're a terrible partner."

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:31

        Yeah.

    23. TNTrevor Noah12:31

        You know what I mean? Like, these are the things that people say to each other, and I don't know, you know, about everyone, but I, I don't think most people feel like this is the moment where they wanna show up. They wanna spend more time defending

12. 12:42 – 14:57

    The collapse of curiosity

    1. TNTrevor Noah12:42

       themselves, and they feel like they're not on the same team.

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:44

       Well, now we're talking about something really big. We're talking about the collapse of curiosity. That's what we're-

    3. TNTrevor Noah12:48

       The collapse of curiosity

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:49

       ... the collapse of curiosity. As soon as, I've never, I, I said that phrase as if it's, like, something I have philosophy about. I haven't really thought about it before.

    5. TNTrevor Noah12:56

       Oh, no, I love that.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:56

       But that's what I think, that's what you're talking about. Because when you see someone in a workplace who's late five days in a row, "Hey, I need you to be on time tomorrow, we have a big meeting," and they're late. What's the narrative in our head? "Oh, my goodness, this person is so rude. They're so inconsiderate."

    7. TNTrevor Noah13:10

       Yeah.

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy13:10

       Or whatever we say. We're no longer curious. We have no curiosity. Curiosity would say, "I wonder what's going on."

    9. TNTrevor Noah13:18

       Huh.

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy13:18

        I, I do have history with Trevor. He doesn't tend to be late to his own podcast five days in a row. [laughs] I wonder what's happening for him. And, and then what happens, and this happens more now than ever, is we confuse curiosity with allowing or approval. No. Uh, those are totally different concepts. But if we don't allow ourselves to be curious about behavior, we can't understand it. And if we can't understand it, we actually can't improve it. So if we get to this tantrum in a grocery store, right? Because my goal with parents, too, it's not like, "Oh, you have a good kid. Having a tantrum, that's so beautiful." No. I, I don't want, like-

    11. TNTrevor Noah13:53

        [laughs]

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy13:53

        ... a million tantrums in Target. It's not, like, a convenient situation.

    13. TNTrevor Noah13:57

        Embrace the tantrum.

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy13:58

        No, let your anger out, so beautiful.

    15. TNTrevor Noah14:00

        [laughs]

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy14:00

        Obviously not. I'm, like, a normal person, okay? But it's actually just more efficient to be curious, okay? Because if I can be curious-

    17. TNTrevor Noah14:07

        Yeah

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy14:07

        ... in the moment, first of all, I'm not gonna let my kid just have this disaster situation. I might have to say to myself, "This stinks. I'm not gonna be able to check out. My car, I'm gonna have to leave and come back." That's just inconvenient.

    19. TNTrevor Noah14:17

        Mm.

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy14:18

        And parenting is full of inconveniences.

    21. TNTrevor Noah14:19

        Mm-hmm.

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy14:19

        It just is. So I'm gonna say to my kid, after trying, let's say, to calm them down, "Look, you're a good kid, having a hard time. Something's going on. I'm picking you up. I'm carrying you to the car. We'll come back and get, you know, whatever we were gonna get another day."

    23. TNTrevor Noah14:32

        Right.

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy14:32

        My kid's gonna protest. They're not gonna say, "Thank you for your sturdy leadership. Really appreciate this." They're definitely not gonna say that. I'm gonna continue doing my job and get my kid to the car. And then maybe after my kid's sleeping, again, curiosity would allow me to say, "Okay, well, what's going on for my kid? Okay, well, I guess we're walking down the aisle and they see a million toys that they want, and I told them we're here for one. I guess it's really hard for them to see a lot of things

13. 14:57 – 16:18

    Wanting something is not wrong, coping is the skill

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy14:57

       they want and not have them."

    2. TNTrevor Noah14:58

       Oh, wow.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy14:59

       Well, you know, I don't even know that many adults that are great at seeing a lot of things that they want [laughs] and not having them.

    4. TNTrevor Noah15:06

       Wow.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy15:06

       What skills might my kid need to be able to see things, want them, and not have them? Because wanting things isn't wrong. I would actually say I always want my kid to want things for themselves.

    6. TNTrevor Noah15:18

       Mm.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy15:18

       I just want them to develop the ability to want, not have, and cope with that, right? But that, that's a skill that takes time. Now let's keep going, right? Maybe one day I have a little time on my hands, I say, "Yeah, that's hard. Well, how do I get better at hard things? Practice." That's how we get better at swimming. No kids learn to swim by just crossing our fingers.

    8. TNTrevor Noah15:37

       Yeah, yeah.

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy15:37

       Right? We bring them to lessons. And so maybe say, "That's hard. Look, we're gonna do something kind of weird today. We're gonna be in our playroom and you're gonna see those red blocks, and I'm gonna play with them first, and we're gonna take a deep breath and say, 'Oh, waiting is hard and I can do it.'" Like, I don't know, a little mantra, right? And, and I know it's so easy to think, "That takes so much time." I promise you, managing tantrums without developing skills is gonna take way more time.

    10. TNTrevor Noah16:03

        Yeah.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy16:03

        But that whole process, or even just thinking about it differently, comes from being able to have a gap between having a good kid and seeing their bad behavior, identity and behavior being separate. And that gap is what

14. 16:18 – 17:52

    Why parents say they have no time, and why they actually do

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy16:18

       allows for curiosity at any age.

    2. TNTrevor Noah16:20

       Hm. It's interesting that you just brought up the putting the time in now versus putting the time in later, because my, my first thought when I think of what I've heard most parents say-

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy16:28

       Mm-hmm

    4. TNTrevor Noah16:28

       ... when they hear anything like this-

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy16:30

       Yeah

    6. TNTrevor Noah16:30

       ... a lot of them, they'll go, "I don't have the time for this. That's easy for you to say. Oh, I, you know what I mean? I, you know, I, every time I ca-", but what you just said was so key, though. We don't calculate the time that each of those tantrums is taking.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy16:43

       That's right.

    8. TNTrevor Noah16:44

       And so we negate the investment that we would be putting into a child-

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy16:49

       Mm

    10. TNTrevor Noah16:50

        ... by trying to deal with it and build up the skills and the tools.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy16:52

        That's exactly right. And I, I don't have a lot of time either, I wanna be honest. Like, I don't have, like, 30 minutes a day that I'm, like, teaching my kid skills. That's not how long it takes. But in life, for anything, you tend, you tend to spend time kind of preparing-

    12. TNTrevor Noah17:06

        Yeah

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:06

        ... or reacting. And whatever way you spend time, you don't mentally account for it as time. If you spend a lot of time reacting, you don't think of it as time.

    14. TNTrevor Noah17:15

        No.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:15

        Although also, you go to bed probably feeling awful about yourself. You wake up at 2:00 AM being like, "Oh, this stinks." You're just up for an hour in the middle of the night.

    16. TNTrevor Noah17:22

        Yeah.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:22

        It's actually a lot of time. Where you're gonna spend a couple minutes with your kid before they go to bed, a lot of these things can take 90 to 120 seconds, right? It's not like I do this with my kid, we have some profound conversation. [laughs] You know?

    18. TNTrevor Noah17:35

        But what would those, what would those 90 seconds be?

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:37

        Okay.

    20. TNTrevor Noah17:37

        Like, give me an example. Like, so let's say you've had the Target meltdown.

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:40

        Right.

    22. TNTrevor Noah17:40

        Your kid was in a store. They lost, they lost it. I mean, they just-

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:42

        Right

    24. TNTrevor Noah17:42

        ... went crazy. They were rolling around. They were doing things. You had to carry them out while they were screaming like you were kidnapping them. You get them home.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:50

        Yep.

    26. TNTrevor Noah17:51

        You know, your day has been

15. 17:52 – 19:19

    The 90 second reset after a meltdown

    1. TNTrevor Noah17:52

       rough. What are those 90 seconds looking like?

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:53

       So the first thing I would say that day is, "You're done for the day." Like, there, there's no learning, lecturing that should happen. You're activated. You're probably resentful of your kid.

    3. TNTrevor Noah18:00

       Oh, okay.

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:01

       Your job is just to manage that. Let's say it's now the next day. Again, you have to start from a place of curiosity. What's going on for my kid? I actually think if we think of it like swimming, what skill is my kid missing? That's a really helpful question.

    5. TNTrevor Noah18:13

       Hm.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:13

       It's probably the skill of, again, maybe it's wanting and not having, something like that.

    7. TNTrevor Noah18:17

       'Cause they were drowning, essentially, in this moment.

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:18

       They were drowning.

    9. TNTrevor Noah18:19

       Okay.

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:19

        But also they didn't, they've never learned how to cope with that moment.

    11. TNTrevor Noah18:22

        Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:23

        They don't just get gifted it at age seven, or age 27, frankly

    13. EUEugene18:27

        Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:27

        You don't get gifted those skills either. [laughs] So one, a story. Immediately when you make something a story that you struggled with, you're going to make the moment less explosive for your kid the next time. Because as soon as your kid feels less alone in a struggle-

    15. EUEugene18:42

        Mm-hmm

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy18:42

        ... you reduce shame, and when you reduce shame, you make things less explosive. Seriously. The next day over breakfast, I might say, "I don't know if I ever told you this. I remember going to a grocery store with my dad, and he told me I could get a Milky Way, and I really wanted a Milky Way, and a Twix, and Reese's, and a Hershey bar, and a 100 Grand. How do you think I handled that?" And this is the best moment if you have a kid who's verbal, 'cause I'd be like, "You probably just got one thing and, like, went on," and he'll say, " [sighs] No, no. I had a little bit of a situation." You know, something

16. 19:19 – 20:55

    Storytelling reduces shame instantly

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:19

       like that.

    2. EUEugene19:19

       Mm-hmm.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:19

       Right? "Oh, you did?" "Yeah. I mean, it's, it's really hard to see things you want and not have them."

    4. EUEugene19:26

       Hmm.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:28

       I would say that's, uh, you're done for the day. Now, in that moment when you're telling a story, do not look at your kid after and saying, "Just like it is for you."

    6. EUEugene19:35

       [laughs]

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:36

       You kind of, you ruin... [laughs] Like, whenever I hear a parent do that, I'm like, just-

    8. EUEugene19:39

       Where were you two months ago? [laughs]

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:41

       Uh, no. Just-

    10. EUEugene19:42

        That's... I'm not gonna lie. I thought that's how the story ends.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:46

        No.

    12. EUEugene19:46

        No, I thought that-

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:47

        [laughs]

    14. EUEugene19:47

        I thought it was gonna be that thing. I thought you'd turn and be like-

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:49

        Yeah

    16. EUEugene19:49

        ... "And you see, Eugene"

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:50

        [laughs] Right. [laughs]

    18. EUEugene19:51

        "Remember when you did that?"

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:52

        Exactly. No.

    20. EUEugene19:53

        No.

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy19:53

        You take it out of- No ... like, the reverie. Just, like, allow it. Trust that it helps. Mm. Another thing, let's say that day you have to take your kid grocery storing. S- going to the grocery store. You could say to your kid, this is such a powerful one, so simple, "I wonder what it's gonna be like to be at Target today. I wonder if you're gonna see something you want and I'm gonna say no. Oh, what would that be like?" And again, if you have a kid like most kids, they're gonna roll your eyes and say nothing. Fine. Don't take the bait. I don't know about for you. That might feel annoying. I don't know. Let's just get ourselves a little bit ready for that. This is true for adults, too. So much of how we feel hard moments is the feeling and the surprise of the feeling, and if you remove the surprise, you're left with just the feeling, and that actually makes the feeling a lot easier to cope with because you're no longer feeling disappointed or jealous and feeling surprised. It doesn't feel kind of like an attack to you. Same thing is true with adults. "Hey, we're gonna have dinner with friends. Look, I'm making this up, but we're having a hard time getting pregnant. I'm just gonna tell you in advance.

17. 20:55 – 21:49

    Preparing kids for hard moments by removing surprise

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy20:55

       I know our friends are, I don't know, seven months pregnant. It might be a little hard. And, like, let's just both get ready. We're happy for them. We're kind of having a hard time. Totally makes sense that it's gonna be a little of a tricky dinner." People handle that a lot better than if they show up and they're- Yeah ... s- surprised by a situation. Yeah. So removing the surprise is one thing you could do. That, again, takes, I don't know, 90 seconds in advance and makes the situation more manageable.

    2. EUEugene21:20

       So here's, here's my thing that I struggle with as a parent. How much of me parenting is just me giving out advice and modeling the behavior that I want to see, and how much of it is conditioning? 'Cause I'll give you an example. When I was growing up, I had four siblings. I was number three of four. My f- my older brother was what was deemed the naughty one, but it's not like he slept without food. He had a bedroom to go to. So his behavior was almost set as if it was part of him.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy21:48

       Mm.

    4. EUEugene21:48

       But my mom always

18. 21:49 – 24:17

    Parenting or conditioning, birth order and identity

    1. EUEugene21:49

       said one thing to me when I was growing up. She's like, "If there's one thing that I know about you, is I never have to worry about you. Not at the store."

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy21:57

       Mm.

    3. EUEugene21:57

       "Not when we go visit other people. You, I ne- But you, I never."

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy22:05

       [laughs]

    5. EUEugene22:06

       "But you, I, I never have to worry about." And I, as I grew up and I realized, I try to be less of a problem to people than I need to be.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy22:15

       Yep.

    7. EUEugene22:15

       Right?

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy22:16

       Mm-hmm.

    9. EUEugene22:16

       So I'm thinking to myself, was I parented that way, or was I conditioned to be that way?

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy22:20

        Well, it, now we're talking about birth order, which is such a fun topic, and, uh, I'm gonna answer your question by probably answering neither of your questions, but tell me if it's useful anyway, 'cause I think it's-

    11. EUEugene22:31

        Yes

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy22:31

        ... getting to the core. I think about this as you're in a system. You're in a system of siblings. Siblings are systems. Marriages are systems. Workplaces are systems. Whole families are systems. I think it's helpful to think about in any system, there's only 100% of a quality to go around. And-

    13. EUEugene22:49

        So there's an infinite number.

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy22:51

        Well, let's say there's only 100.

    15. EUEugene22:52

        A finite number.

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy22:52

        Oh, there's a finite, finite number. A finite number.

    17. EUEugene22:54

        Okay.

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy22:54

        So there's 100% of acting out-

    19. EUEugene22:57

        Right

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy22:57

        ... and naughtiness to go around, which by the way, is often a kid's way of just learning how to feel their feelings, and they don't yet have skills to manage those feelings, so it's all coming out. So it seems like in your family system, the message was your brother [laughs] owns 100% of that.

    21. EUEugene23:12

        He has timeshare to the-

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:14

        [laughs]

    23. EUEugene23:14

        ... to the tantrum holiday home.

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy23:15

        [laughs] Literally. So there is 0% left for you to pick up, right? [laughs] Now, one of the struggles with that is usually it's helpful as we become older in life to not have a lot of rigidity. Like, no one wants to have 100% of any quality. You don't wanna have 100% of acting out, but you also don't wanna have zero. Because if you have 0% of that, one of the things you tend to learn over time is, my job is to scan every room [laughs] and figure out what everyone needs from me, and keep things very, very peaceful. And often the cost of doing that to such an extreme can be some self-abandonment. Like, I don't really know what I want, or sometimes I feel like I want something, even if it'll rock the boat a little bit, or maybe I have to distance myself from my anger because it would come out in a big way, and that's kind of my brother's role. And so I think what, what you're saying is so much of your childhood was shaped by these sibling dynamic roles that were kind of part of birth order.

    25. EUEugene24:16

        Mm.

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:16

        And

19. 24:17 – 26:57

    Why we choose the partners we choose

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:17

       probably part of our adulthood, I think, is realizing, and you were kind of saying this too, the lessons we learned in our early years-

    2. EUEugene24:23

       Mm

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:24

       ... and the ways we had to adapt to keep us safe Were really protective back then, and just really impressive and adaptive-

    4. EUEugene24:33

       Hmm

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:33

       ... but can in many different ways work a little bit against us sometimes in adulthood.

    6. EUEugene24:39

       How many of our romantic partners-

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:41

       Mm

    8. EUEugene24:42

       ... are we finding ourself, ourselves as the other person parenting?

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:47

       How many of our romantic partners?

    10. EUEugene24:49

        Yes.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:49

        Like, are we parenting our romantic partners?

    12. EUEugene24:51

        Do we find ourselves parenting more, or do we find ourselves enjoying the fruits of how they were parented? Does it make sense?

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy24:59

        Um-

    14. EUEugene25:00

        So if someone is really great to me-

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy25:01

        Mm-hmm

    16. EUEugene25:02

        ... am I reaping the rewards of how great they were raised and how well-rounded they are as an individual? But-

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy25:08

        Mm-hmm

    18. EUEugene25:08

        ... if let's say, for example, I'm dealing with their tantrums, they're trying to take this, they're trying to give that, they're trying to do that-

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy25:14

        Right

    20. EUEugene25:15

        ... am I now fulfilling the role of a parent 'cause they didn't have 100% timeshare of the tantrum-

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy25:20

        [laughs] Maybe

    22. EUEugene25:21

        ... holiday home?

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy25:21

        But I think, I think we're, I think we're talking about, well, how do we end up with the people we end up with? Which, to me, who we end up being attracted to in our kind of adult life is in some ways just an activation of our earliest attachment patterns. It's what feels like home.

    24. EUEugene25:40

        Hmm.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy25:40

        And so if what feels like home, based on your childhood, is, okay, I've become really expert at keeping things peaceful, never getting in trouble, being really, really stable, because again, my brother had 100% of all the other things, well, if that's my puzzle piece, what other puzzle piece would be a really, really good match with mine? Probably someone where there's a lot of stuff going on.

    26. TNTrevor Noah26:06

        Oh, wow.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy26:07

        Right?

    28. EUEugene26:07

        100% chaos.

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy26:08

        100% chaos because-

    30. EUEugene26:09

        Oh, no
20. 26:57 – 27:35

    Childhood as the slingshot into adulthood

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy26:57

       how it's gonna end."

    2. TNTrevor Noah26:58

       Right.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy26:58

       That that becomes almost the reason to say no. [laughs]

    4. TNTrevor Noah27:02

       That is, it's so interesting when you, when you break it down, you know, to the child level-

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:05

       Hmm

    6. TNTrevor Noah27:05

       ... and then bring it back, because it, it feels like all of it is a slingshot. It feels like our childhood is a slingshot into adulthood, and then it becomes exponentially larger because of the effect that we have on the world and the, the agency we have over our own lives.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:19

       Mm-hmm.

    8. TNTrevor Noah27:19

       And like you, you have this line where you say, "A tantrum is just a nervous system that is short-circuiting." And when I, when I thought of that with a child, it sort of made more sense.

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy27:30

       Yeah.

    10. TNTrevor Noah27:32

        But then with adults, you see it, and it has

21. 27:35 – 28:50

    Bad behavior is just feelings bigger than skills

    1. TNTrevor Noah27:35

       so much more of an effect on people. 'Cause if you're a child throwing a tantrum, maybe it's you flailing in a supermarket. If you're an adult having a tantrum, you might walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody. Do, do you know what I mean? So when you, when you look at it through the lens of, like, a parent and a child in that moment, what is the nervous system that we're trying to repair in that moment, and what are we trying to allow, and how do you even find that balance? Like, how much do you let and how much do you not? Because I've seen people who are really repressed, or they've, they've... They'll tell you, "I was in the strictest household, and I never threw a tantrum, and I never this," and I... But then they have like a secret life.

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy28:10

       Yep. [laughs]

    3. TNTrevor Noah28:11

       You know? So, so how do you, how do you as a parent then know what the balance is? Do you ever know?

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy28:17

       So, look, in any given moment, I don't know if we ever, you know, have complete clarity of, like, you know, this is a perfect intervention, but w- I think we're really talking about, like, what a parent's job is, right?

    5. TNTrevor Noah28:28

       Yeah.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy28:28

       And I think this is, like, a very core idea that can be applied in a bunch of different scenarios. We're not making it up each time, right? Because most parents I know, they wanna do their job well. It's the job they care the most about. But parenting in general has been like having a job without a job description, because when I ask parents, "Okay, well, what is your job when your kid's having a tantrum?"

    7. TNTrevor Noah28:47

       Mm-hmm.

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy28:47

       They'll say, "I have no idea." Well, how can you

22. 28:50 – 31:44

    A parent’s two jobs, boundaries and validation

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy28:50

       do your job well in any specific scenario-

    2. TNTrevor Noah28:52

       Yeah

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy28:52

       ... if at baseline you don't even know what your job is? So I think a parent has two main jobs all the time, and it's boundaries and validation. Boundaries are limits we set. There are limits we set. There are decisions we make, often for a kid's long-term benefit. Uh, it's kind of like the structure a kid grows up with around things can only go so far. Not because I'm not gonna let you win-

    4. TNTrevor Noah29:17

       Hmm

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy29:17

       ... but actually related to the fact that, and this is very important, my number one job is to keep you safe.

    6. TNTrevor Noah29:22

       Hmm.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy29:22

       Now, that's been, I think something shifted in the last decade or two-

    8. TNTrevor Noah29:26

       Yeah

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy29:26

       ... where we've confused safety with comfort.

    10. TNTrevor Noah29:28

        Mm-hmm.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy29:29

        Safety does not mean comfortable and happy and optimized all the time. [laughs]

    12. TNTrevor Noah29:33

        Oh, okay.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy29:33

        But safe. It's not safe for you to run around Target taking things from the wall and, I don't know, throwing them to the ground. It's not safe for you to throw sand in the sandbox at kids. It's not safe for you to watch endless hours of TV or be on your iPad. Those things just aren't safe, so we have to set boundaries. There are limits. And a kid always has the same reaction to a boundary. They're upset. They have a tantrum, you know? Throw a tantrum tends to be a phrase I don't love, 'cause it almost seems like that's this active, like, yeah, like mischievous kid being like-

    14. TNTrevor Noah30:03

        Yeah, yeah, yeah

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:04

        ... "I'm going to throw a tantrum."

    16. TNTrevor Noah30:05

        Little, little boomerang that they're gonna throw. [laughs]

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:07

        Yeah, it's just like this, you know, it's... I think tantrums are when, or any bad behavior, are just when feelings are greater than skills.

    18. TNTrevor Noah30:13

        Oof.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:14

        That's all.

    20. TNTrevor Noah30:14

        Oh, I like that.

    21. EUEugene30:15

        That's a good one.

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:16

        That's all.

    23. TNTrevor Noah30:16

        Any bad behavior is when feelings are greater than skills.

    24. EUEugene30:18

        Greater than your skills.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:18

        At any age. [laughs]

    26. TNTrevor Noah30:20

        Oh, I really like that.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:21

        Right? And for decades we've kind of punished feelings, or punished behaviors-

    28. TNTrevor Noah30:25

        Yeah

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy30:25

        ... but the answer is to level up skills, which never happens when you're punished.

    30. TNTrevor Noah30:29

        So when you're in that situation-
23. 31:44 – 33:38

    Parenting Black children and safety in the real world

    1. TNTrevor Noah31:44

       a good way to put it. How do you, how do you do that?

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:45

       Well, l- let's, I don't know. Let's have some example. Let's say my kid is hitting another kid on a play date.

    3. TNTrevor Noah31:51

       Yeah.

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:51

       Something like that, right, or on the playground, maybe even more public, right?

    5. TNTrevor Noah31:55

       Mm.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:55

       Let's start with the job, and then we'll talk about the nuance.

    7. TNTrevor Noah31:57

       Okay, cool.

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy31:57

       'Cause the nuance you're talking about is very real and very important, right? And not, not all kids are seen the same way.

    9. TNTrevor Noah32:03

       Yeah.

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy32:03

        Right? And so I think you're also asking if you have awareness as a family, my kid won't be seen in a positive light in the world.

    11. TNTrevor Noah32:09

        Right.

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy32:09

        Do I mimic that behavior in my home, or do, or does my home have to offer something different to that child?

    13. TNTrevor Noah32:16

        Hmm.

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy32:16

        Okay, so let's just say my kid is hitting. If I think about boundaries and validation just as foundational, boundaries would be saying to a kid, "I won't let you hit your sister. I'm not gonna let you hit your friend." And let's say I'm on the playground. I would literally take my kid and pull them away. This is probably the number one thing I've seen done very differently by parents.

    15. TNTrevor Noah32:36

        Yeah.

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy32:36

        And I urge them to realize a boundary is not saying, "Stop hitting. We don't hit." Those are requests.

    17. TNTrevor Noah32:45

        Yeah.

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy32:45

        Right? And again, if you're not hitting your kid, they know we don't hit.

    19. TNTrevor Noah32:48

        Right.

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy32:48

        So, um, but it's kind of like we're saying to a kid, "I'm watching you unable to control yourself and make a good decision, so my best intervention is going to ask you to make a good decision." Like, it confuses kids. They act out more-

    21. TNTrevor Noah32:58

        Hmm

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy32:58

        ... because they don't have an adult. They don't actually have anyone keeping them safe. And so a boundary often is physical, which doesn't mean it comes from a place of harm.

    23. TNTrevor Noah33:05

        Okay.

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy33:05

        It actually comes from a place of protection.

    25. TNTrevor Noah33:07

        Hmm.

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy33:07

        It's something I do to protect my kid because they're not being safe. Going back to being a mirror, I don't want my kid to experience themselves as the kid who hits everyone on the playground. That's not good for them to build their identity, so I'm gonna stop them and pull them to the park bench, not like, "You're embarrassing me. What's wrong with you?" But, "Hey, you're a good kid having a hard time, and no, I'm not gonna let you go back to the sandbox. I still see that you're so activated." Now I'm on the bench with my kid. And again, this is a made-up scenario. Who knows if I'd actually have the presence of mind.

    27. TNTrevor Noah33:35

        [laughs]

    28. BKDr. Becky Kennedy33:35

        But then... So it's a good day in the studio-

    29. TNTrevor Noah33:37

        This is a good day

    30. BKDr. Becky Kennedy33:37

        ... without my

24. 33:38 – 35:04

    Overprotecting kids creates fragility

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy33:38

       children.

    2. TNTrevor Noah33:38

       Good day. Good day.

    3. EUEugene33:38

       And in Japan.

    4. TNTrevor Noah33:39

       Yeah.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy33:39

       And in Japan.

    6. TNTrevor Noah33:41

       [laughs]

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy33:41

       It al- it al- I guess it always happens there. I have to learn more. Gotta learn, gotta drink what they're drinking.

    8. TNTrevor Noah33:45

       [laughs]

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy33:45

       Um, so let's say I'm sitting with my kid. I've done this job. I've set a boundary, right? Now I can do the other part of my job, which is some version of, "Ugh, there was only one red shovel. Ugh, it was so hard to wait for that red shovel."

    10. TNTrevor Noah33:57

        Yeah.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy33:57

        Um, validating the struggle that was underlying the behavior. I'm validating the feelings. "Yeah, it makes sense you're mad. He was playing with your red shovel. I'm not gonna let you hit. That's why we're taking a break here."

    12. TNTrevor Noah34:11

        Hmm.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:11

        But kids can't learn to manage feelings they don't think they're allowed to have.

    14. TNTrevor Noah34:16

        Okay.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:18

        If you think about what it means to manage a feeling, it means I'm allowed to have this feeling inside my body.

    16. EUEugene34:22

        You must have it first.

    17. TNTrevor Noah34:23

        Oh, wow.

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:24

        Yeah, it's allowed to live in my body. And if you don't feel like a feeling is allowed to live in your body, there's two options. You try to-

    19. EUEugene34:31

        Suppress

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:32

        ... suppress, or it comes out in behavior.

    21. TNTrevor Noah34:34

        Oh, wow.

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:34

        And then coming out in behavior actually is like, "Well, you told me I'm not supposed to feel angry, so I'm just trying to get it out"

    23. TNTrevor Noah34:41

        Huh

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:41

        ... right, through a hit, through your extremities, through I hate you. Okay, so now let's say I'm back home with my kid, and I'm thinking, unlike me, I have white children, like, "Like, this is bad news in a different way"

    25. TNTrevor Noah34:52

        Yeah

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:52

        ... right? And I'm more fearful, right, about what this need means for my, I don't know, Black child.

    27. TNTrevor Noah34:57

        Yeah.

    28. BKDr. Becky Kennedy34:58

        I think, and again, this is probably not happening with, like, a two-year-old. I don't know about the nuance of the conversation, but these are conversations,

25. 35:04 – 37:40

    Shame, aloneness, and the nervous system

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy35:05

       you know, that I think are important. "Look, I'm always gonna be on your team. My job is to help keep you safe, and not everyone is going to give you the benefit of the doubt."

    2. TNTrevor Noah35:17

       Hmm.

    3. EUEugene35:17

       Oh.

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy35:18

       "This is, this is something we're gon- this is not, like, a one and done conversation." But yeah, and so in our home, probably, you know what, we're gonna have to, like, practice certain, in my mind, skills even more. We're gonna have to manage certain realities. You're gonna have a lot of feelings about the fact that you're looked at when you're walk down the st- when you're walking down the street very differently than some of your friends, right? And I'm going to be someone you can come to, to talk to about that, right?

    5. TNTrevor Noah35:45

       It's acknowledging the unfairness of the world and basically saying to them, "Hey, I know that your world will not treat you fairly"

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy35:51

       Hmm

    7. TNTrevor Noah35:51

       ... "but I want you to know that I'm always gonna treat you fairly"

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy35:54

       Hmm.

    9. EUEugene35:55

       Yeah

    10. TNTrevor Noah35:55

        ... and I think that's sl- that's a slight difference 'cause speaking from personal experience, I don't think my mom necessarily said that to me, but I think that might have been her intention. But she was going, "I can't let you..." She's like, "I, I have to keep you safe by doing this before they do it to you because they won't know when to stop" And that's often what she says. She's like, "You'll get killed," you know?

    11. EUEugene36:16

        Yeah.

    12. TNTrevor Noah36:16

        But it's interesting to think of it this way, is to say, "The world's not gonna be fair to you. I will always be fair to you, so you have to trust me-

    13. EUEugene36:24

        Sure

    14. TNTrevor Noah36:25

        ... in this" But, but-

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy36:26

        And I don't, I don't just, I've, like, I, I don't wanna claim to be some, like, expert in parenting Black children. Like, that is the, like, the, you know, like, that is not-

    16. EUEugene36:34

        True

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy36:34

        ... my lived experience I mean that

    18. TNTrevor Noah36:37

        [laughs]

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy36:37

        Like, I really do. You know?

    20. TNTrevor Noah36:39

        I do too.

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy36:39

        And I feel like along those lines-

    22. TNTrevor Noah36:41

        Yeah

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy36:42

        ... you know, I think about friends of mine, colleagues, like within the Good Inside community. There's this amazing woman, Myleik Teele, who, you know, we talk a lot about these. She leads like our Black parents room.

    24. TNTrevor Noah36:51

        Right

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy36:51

        And like, what is this line? And these ideas make sense, and they feel very different from how I was brought up. And I feel like my son, in some ways, like needs these skills-

    26. TNTrevor Noah36:58

        Yeah

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy36:58

        ... and needs to understand how to regulate his emotions. The stakes are even higher.

    28. TNTrevor Noah37:02

        Huh.

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy37:02

        And Becky, like you don't walk around with the same fears as I do, and that plays out in my responses. And so, yes, uh, so I think, but this is, that is I guess just a different framework.

    30. TNTrevor Noah37:12

        Right.
26. 37:40 – 40:00

    Separation anxiety and the power of reassurance

    1. TNTrevor Noah37:40

       and gifts that are just as thoughtful as the food. And look, I'll be honest with you. Every holiday season, I tell myself, "This year, Trevor, this year you're gonna cook something." And every year I absolutely do not. Because the holidays sneak up on you. One minute you're still finishing the Halloween candy, and the next, someone's asking you, "So are you gonna bring a signature dish?" Signature? Guys, I don't even sign my emails. So I've developed a system, a Trevor holiday system. I go to Whole Foods Market, I buy everything, and then I behave like I made it myself. I walk in with confidence. That's the key. Chest out, confidence, and a nice bowl. You see, if you put something in a bowl, people assume you cooked it. It's science. And Whole Foods makes it too easy. The heat and eat dishes, ooh, guys, creamy mashed potatoes, green beans, stuffing, all the classics. All you have to do is warm it up, transfer it into your own dish, and suddenly you're getting compliments like, "Wow, Trevor, you really brought this this year?" Yes, I did bring it. And that's technically true. And the desserts, wow. Guys, let me tell you something. The holiday rum cake, oh. [laughs] Oh, my goodness, the tres leches. Those desserts look like they require childhood trauma, a French grandmother, and 12 hours of your life. Nope, I bought it all at Whole Foods, carried it in, put it on the table, and I let the lies flow. Someone said, "Trevor, this is incredible. What's your recipe?" And I said, [laughs] "You know a chef never tells," because in this case the chef doesn't know, because the real chef was Whole Foods. And if you're responsible for the main course, I mean, they've got spiral cut ham, bone-in rib roast, the heavy hitters. One year I showed up with king crab legs. People were silent. They were stunned. They weren't really impressed. They were confused, because nobody expects king crab at Thanksgiving. But it tasted good, so they got over it. And to round everything out, I grab 365 by Whole Foods Market staples, green beans, stuffing, dinner rolls, the fundamentals. The 365 brand is basically how I fill the table without filling my stress levels. And here's the part people don't think about, the gifts. Whole Foods Market has cookie gift boxes, beauty gift sets, candles, flowers. I even built a cheese board as a present. Yeah. Not the board, the cheese on top of it. It's one of those gifts that looks thoughtful, but it's really just cheese that's put in the shape of something. People love it. So yeah, my holiday hack is really simple. Whole

27. 40:00 – 43:52

    How to handle lying without destroying trust

    1. TNTrevor Noah40:00

       Foods Market does the work. I take the credit. Everybody wins. And honestly, that's what the holidays are about. Good food, happy people, and lies told with love. Shop for everything you need at Whole Foods Markets, your holiday headquarters. [upbeat music]

    2. EUEugene40:26

       When I heard you were coming, I was particularly excited, because, one, I wanted to ask you, do you have a visa? I know you don't need a visa. Passport to come to South Africa.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy40:33

       [laughs]

    4. EUEugene40:33

       So you can live at our house for a little bit, because I think we need you.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy40:37

       [laughs] I'm, I'm in. [laughs]

    6. EUEugene40:39

       [laughs]

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy40:40

       Give me some dates.

    8. EUEugene40:41

       Well, my question is, and I've, I've often had to struggle with this, as a male single parent raising a daughter, I sometimes feel insecure about what I might be missing out in imparting to her. Is there a study that's conducted to show what the difference is between kids that grow up being raised by a single parent who's the same gender as them versus the opposite gender?

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:06

       Ugh, I wish I was given this question as a little bit of prep, because I wish I could-

    10. EUEugene41:10

        You know-

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:10

        ... have some-

    12. EUEugene41:11

        ... 16 years ago-

    13. TNTrevor Noah41:12

        [laughs]

    14. EUEugene41:12

        ... that's what I would have loved.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:16

        Um, but, but the thing I wanna latch onto that you said-

    16. EUEugene41:19

        Uh-huh

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:19

        ... I, I don't know. I, I'm sure there is some study. I can't recite it right now.

    18. EUEugene41:24

        Yeah, yeah.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:24

        But to me, what you said is so poignant as, as an amazing initial conversation with your daughter.

    20. EUEugene41:30

        Yeah.

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:31

        This is something I think about. You are a girl being raised by a single father. That allows us some amazing special moments that would never happen if our family system was different, and I'm sure it also means not having other moments because of that exact same configuration. And if you ever feel like there's things you're missing, and if you ever feel angry rationally or-

    22. EUEugene41:56

        Mm

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:56

        ... irrationally about it-

    24. EUEugene41:58

        Mm

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy41:58

        ... like I'll always listen, not to prove, not to disprove, just to listen. And I can hear that from you, right? I mean, to me, sometimes that's, you know, an opening for a conversation that could be more powerful than something we learn from a research study.

    26. EUEugene42:15

        I've often found that whenever we have, uh, we've had actually that conversation, what I found is it made her open up more to me, and she is now aware that not all her friends see their fathers the same way. Their fathers are the enforcers.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy42:31

        Right.

    28. EUEugene42:31

        They're the ones who get things done.

    29. TNTrevor Noah42:33

        Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

    30. EUEugene42:33

        They're the ones-
28. 43:52 – 1:06:39

    The puzzle story, kids do not lie out of disrespect

    1. TNTrevor Noah43:52

       everyone in the world doesn't match up with, with what I grew up with." So it's, it's, it's interesting-

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy43:56

       Hm

    3. TNTrevor Noah43:56

       ... that you say that as like a, as a realization.

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy43:58

       Well, I feel like I saw a lot of those kids-

    5. TNTrevor Noah44:01

       Hm

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:01

       ... who were in their 20s in my practice, who I, to me, the word perfect for that is an interesting word choice anyway. But parents who swooped in at every second, always optimizing for happy and ease.

    7. TNTrevor Noah44:13

       Yeah.

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:13

       Um, and not surprisingly, those kids not only are not prepared for a difficult world, are remarkably fragile and anxious-

    9. TNTrevor Noah44:20

       Hm

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:20

        ... because the range of experiences they learned to cope with was this.

    11. TNTrevor Noah44:23

        Yeah.

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:24

        [laughs]

    13. TNTrevor Noah44:24

        Yeah.

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:24

        Versus the range of experiences you need to learn to cope with in childhood to be resilient and functioning as an adult is this. Now, I'm not trying to say it's this, maybe wider is trauma and abuse, right?

    15. TNTrevor Noah44:36

        Yeah. Right, right, right.

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:36

        But certainly there's a lot between that-

    17. TNTrevor Noah44:37

        Mm-hmm

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:37

        ... and always happy, always perfect.

    19. TNTrevor Noah44:41

        Yeah.

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:41

        That, that's, that's really dangerous for kids in a different way.

    21. TNTrevor Noah44:44

        So how do you, how do you find that balance? Like, let's, let's use the sandbox example.

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:47

        Mm-hmm.

    23. TNTrevor Noah44:48

        You know, 'cause I love that you brought that up. We, we had, um, we had Jonathan Haidt on the podcast.

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy44:52

        Yeah.

    25. TNTrevor Noah44:52

        And you know, he was talking about his book, The Anxious Generation, and we, we were talking about the complexities of society overprotecting kids-

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy45:00

        Mm-hmm

    27. TNTrevor Noah45:00

        ... and underprotecting kids.

    28. BKDr. Becky Kennedy45:01

        Yes.

    29. TNTrevor Noah45:01

        You know? So now we live in a world where children are overprotected in real life-

    30. BKDr. Becky Kennedy45:05

        Mm-hmm
29. 1:06:39 – 1:10:11

    The truth sets you free for kids and parents

    1. TNTrevor Noah1:06:39

       Oh, I like that.

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:06:40

       Like you're right, we usually go for ice cream on Fridays, and today I'm in a rush, and that stinks for you. You're probably at school thinking about ice cream. "Does that mean we can go for ice cream?" "No, sweetie." Like, and this is, I kinda said this to you, like two things are true. We can't go to ice cream today, and I get that that's really disappointing for you. So I think sometimes we encode from our past, like, oh, yeah, I was so inconsistent. I have to be consistent. No one's perfectly consistent. Real life happens. But when something's different from what we planned or expected, what actually feels bad to us is that nobody believed us and acknowledged that.

    3. TNTrevor Noah1:07:11

       Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:12

       So I think, and encourage parents, yeah, we can't do anything all the time, but when something is different or kind of inconsistent and your kid probably will have a feeling about that, just acknow- acknow- acknowledge that reality.

    5. TNTrevor Noah1:07:25

       Yeah. And sometimes I think some of those parenting inconsistencies are caused by situations.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:30

       Of course.

    7. TNTrevor Noah1:07:30

       Uh, my mom said to us when we were older that all the time that she had said no to us at the store was because she didn't have the money for it. There was no better reason. There was no, "This thing is not good for you."

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:42

       Mm-hmm.

    9. TNTrevor Noah1:07:43

       "This is not what people..."

    10. SPSpeaker1:07:43

        Yeah, yeah.

    11. TNTrevor Noah1:07:43

        She was like, "I just didn't want to say to you-" There's no money for it.

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:47

        Yeah.

    13. TNTrevor Noah1:07:47

        But as we got older, she was able to say, "There's no money for it."

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:49

        Yeah.

    15. TNTrevor Noah1:07:50

        And then we understood better. And when I was older, I was like, "That was very inconsistent of you. One minute it's fine to have Ninja Turtles, the next minute we can't."

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:57

        Yeah.

    17. TNTrevor Noah1:07:57

        And she goes, "At the time, I didn't have."

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:07:59

        I think kids right know, I don't picture a six-year-old saying, "It's not the inconsistency, it's that you're not-"

    19. TNTrevor Noah1:08:04

        Yeah

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08:04

        ... validating my feelings. Like, that's a very sophisticated understanding. [laughs]

    21. TNTrevor Noah1:08:08

        You've never met kids in Japan. [laughs]

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08:10

        Right. I've really-

    23. TNTrevor Noah1:08:11

        Those kids are, actually. I remember watching them go to school by themselves, on the train by themselves, and I was like, "Wow, this is a whole different level."

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08:18

        I'm operating in the wrong country.

    25. TNTrevor Noah1:08:19

        [laughs]

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08:19

        That is the only thing, the only thing I'm taking from this podcast is I have got to go to Japan.

    27. TNTrevor Noah1:08:24

        And that's the only true fact about Japan-

    28. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08:26

        [laughs]

    29. TNTrevor Noah1:08:26

        ... throughout the whole entire podcast.

    30. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08:28

        Seriously. Um, but that usually is the core, because then we focus on the inconsistency.
30. 1:10:11 – 1:15:48

    Repair as the most important skill in relationships

    1. TNTrevor Noah1:10:11

       good. I love you." And you ex- you, you literally talk about seeing your child's shoulders drop-

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:17

       Yes

    3. TNTrevor Noah1:10:18

       ... and their body language change. And I, I'd, I'd love to know why repair's important, and how you would encourage parents to seek some sort of repair with their child.

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:30

       Mm.

    5. TNTrevor Noah1:10:30

       And what the ramifications of not doing that would be.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:33

       Yeah, I mean, I, I do think this is my favorite topic, and I think it's the ultimate relationship strategy, not just parenting strategy. I think you want to get close to anyone closer than you are. I- it's something paradoxical, but repair with them.

    7. TNTrevor Noah1:10:46

       Mm.

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:10:46

       And it's true adult to adult too. Call up a friend today, "Hey, you know, I'm thinking, I haven't texted you as much recently, and I'm sure that felt bad. And I've been busy, and still, I just want to let you know I see that, too. I love you. I'll try to be more in touch, you know, over the next month." So every, every single human, definitely parent, does things they're not proud of. It goes back to-

    9. TNTrevor Noah1:11:07

       Yeah

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:11:07

        ... like everyone is a good person who's having a hard time. We all have behavior that doesn't represent our values, that's not in line with how we wish we would've behaved. And I think going back to our childhoods, so many of us encoded struggle and mistake next to shame, blame, and fear-

    11. TNTrevor Noah1:11:26

        Yeah. Hmm

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:11:26

        ... that even now with our own kids, we yell and, and we freeze, and we spiral, and we tell ourselves the story that comes from the collapse of behavior and identity.

    13. TNTrevor Noah1:11:36

        Mm.

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:11:36

        "I'm a monster. I messed up my kid forever. It's too late. If anyone else saw me, they wouldn't even believe that I have a kid or I'm a parent," right? These awful stories. And so one of the things I remember learning in grad school, and I remember hearing this and I, it just stopped me in my tracks, was that one of the markers of a secure attachment, which is basically the, the attachment we all want to have with our kids-

    15. TNTrevor Noah1:12:00

        Yeah

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:12:00

        ... the kind that brings confidence and lower rates of mental health struggles, all the things. But one of the things that differentiated a secure attachment from insecure or disorganized attachment was repair.

    17. TNTrevor Noah1:12:12

        Hmm.

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:12:12

        And I remember the professor talking, and I remember being like, "What?" Because it wasn't being perfect. It wasn't getting it right all the time. It's just the fact that after you basically yell at your kid or make a mistake, you went back to your kid and you took ownership of your behavior-

    19. TNTrevor Noah1:12:28

        Hmm

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:12:29

        ... and you offered reconnection.

    21. TNTrevor Noah1:12:31

        Hmm.

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:12:32

        And so if we think about this in a scenario, which I always like to do, because it just makes it more real. So I think what I said in my TED Talk, right, even though it's one of many examples, is it's one of those days, I was at the end of my rope for a million different reasons. My kid whines about dinner, so classic. Like, "Oh, chicken again." And like, I had made dinner, and like how lucky my kid is in this whole story to have homemade dinner. And I yell, right, "You're spoiled, you're this," and raise my voice. And it wasn't even a decision I made. It just happened, right? Classic situation. Then my son went into his room. I'm alone in the kitchen. And now that's already happened. So first, every parent does that. There's not one parent-

    23. TNTrevor Noah1:13:09

        Yeah

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:13:09

        ... who has not been in that situation.

    25. TNTrevor Noah1:13:11

        Yep.

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:13:11

        If they say they haven't, they're a liar.

    27. TNTrevor Noah1:13:12

        [laughs]

    28. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:13:12

        We don't have to be friends with them. So there's that. [laughs]

    29. TNTrevor Noah1:13:16

        [laughs]

    30. SPSpeaker1:13:16

        [laughs]
31. 1:15:48 – 1:19:05

    What happens to kids when parents do not repair

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:15:48

       you've engaged in so much self-doubt. That was actually a very adaptive coping mechanism early on.

    2. TNTrevor Noah1:15:54

       Hmm.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:15:54

       Because if your internal scary experiences and overwhelming experiences weren't spoken to as real, then self-doubt at least helped you get back to zero and move on. The other is self-blame. "I did this. If I was only a better kid, if I was only more on top of my game, I wouldn't have gotten yelled at." And there's a Fairburn quote that I always love, and you know, it, to me, is very poignant. It says, "For a kid, it's better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the Devil."

    4. TNTrevor Noah1:16:24

       Damn.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:16:25

       Right? So in the binary of good and bad, you'd rather, as a kid, have the bad inside and the good as your parents than to-

    6. TNTrevor Noah1:16:34

       In the bad

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:16:34

       ... feel like a good kid who has this-

    8. TNTrevor Noah1:16:37

       In a bad world

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:16:37

       ... scary parent who could just-

    10. TNTrevor Noah1:16:39

        Wow

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:16:39

        ... scare you at any time, so you take on the bad. Right? Again, works against you in adulthood, which we see in a lot of adults.

    12. TNTrevor Noah1:16:46

        Yeah.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:16:47

        Anything that happens around them, even in, you think about really unhealthy, toxic partnerships-

    14. TNTrevor Noah1:16:53

        Hmm

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:16:53

        ... where sometimes the abused partner, so much self-blame.

    16. TNTrevor Noah1:16:57

        Mm-hmm.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:16:57

        "I did this. I set my partner off."

    18. TNTrevor Noah1:16:59

        Mm-hmm.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:16:59

        "If I had only remembered the toilet paper-

    20. TNTrevor Noah1:17:01

        Yeah

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:17:01

        ... I wouldn't have gotten screamed at."

    22. TNTrevor Noah1:17:03

        Couldn't be here.

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:17:03

        That's a legacy of self-blame from scary moments that went unrepaired over and over and over when you had to rely on the only coping mechanism you had. So what happens when we repair? When you repair with your kid, I always when I think about it, I'm a visual person, it, it's like you're a magician. Like, you get to go back to this moment that felt bad in your kid's body. You get to kind of snatch out any self-doubt [laughs] and self-blame.

    24. TNTrevor Noah1:17:32

        Mm-hmm.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:17:33

        And instead of that chapter of their life ending with, "And then nice mommy turned into scary mommy," period, you have a new ending. "Okay, sometimes moments happen with people I love that didn't feel good."

    26. TNTrevor Noah1:17:47

        Hmm.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:17:48

        "And when those moments happen, I can expect that person to come back to me, to take responsibility for what they did-

    28. TNTrevor Noah1:17:56

        Hmm

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:17:58

        ... and to reconnect together." So it usually sounds like, "Sorry I yelled," and this line really matters, I think [laughs] . "It's never your fault when I yell. I'm working on staying calmer, even when I'm frustrated. I love you." And just to get to the naysayers, right? "But isn't... Like, he did complain about dinner [laughs] like but, like, he didn't put on his shoes," right? That situation leads to my frustration.

    30. TNTrevor Noah1:18:27

        Yeah.
32. 1:19:05 – 1:26:27

    Kids internalize blame to stay attached

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:19:05

       Ugh.

    2. TNTrevor Noah1:19:05

       Because what you just said, I think of now as parents or even as partners-

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:19:09

       Yeah

    4. TNTrevor Noah1:19:09

       ... where some people, a parent might go to somebody, "I'm sorry I yelled, but whenever you do that, you make me so angry."

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:19:18

       Yep.

    6. TNTrevor Noah1:19:19

       "And it means that Mommy can't c- and Daddy, you know, Daddy was really, he had a long day, and when you did that..." And then it, it, it seems like the repair is less them coming to repair the, what they've wronged you with.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:19:32

       Mm-hmm.

    8. TNTrevor Noah1:19:33

       They're basically the cop that's going, "I'm sorry I slammed your head on the hood of the car, but you gotta understand, when you walk like that, and when you wear that hoodie-

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:19:42

       Hmm

    10. TNTrevor Noah1:19:42

        ... it just makes me feel like you might have committed a cri-" And then it's like, oh, it, it's not a repair anymore. Now it's-

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:19:48

        No

    12. TNTrevor Noah1:19:48

        ... it's just a calmer way of chastising the child.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:19:52

        Uh, uh, you're, you're teeing me up, so thank you. Um, that's exactly right, and I think what you're actually talking about from the, let's start with the parent's perspective, is a misstep often ... is actually self-repair, okay?

    14. TNTrevor Noah1:20:05

        Mm.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:20:05

        Meaning if I don't repair with myself for yelling at my kid-

    16. TNTrevor Noah1:20:10

        Mm

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:20:11

        ... I'm not gonna be able to repair with my kid because even if I go to them, I'm actually basically just asking them to take the blame or I'm asking them to take care of my guilty feelings, right? Because I think in that situation we either say, "I'm sorry I yelled. It's okay, right? You still love me, right?" And I picture a kid being like, "What in the heck just happened?"

    18. TNTrevor Noah1:20:32

        Damn.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:20:32

        "Now I was overwhelmed 'cause I'm a young kid who got yelled at, and now I have to take care of your-

    20. TNTrevor Noah1:20:36

        Hmm

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:20:36

        ... adult feelings?" And all of that happened 'cause actually we haven't been taught to take a moment, and this would be something I would have to do before I go to my son's room, probably sit in my bathroom alone, take a deep breath, and kind of, again, separate for myself identity from behavior. I'm a good parent who yelled.

    22. TNTrevor Noah1:20:57

        Hmm.

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:20:57

        I'm a good parent who is having a hard time. That moment didn't define me. I am not my latest behavior.

    24. TNTrevor Noah1:21:04

        Hmm.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:21:05

        I can move on. And if I can't do that for myself in a way, and I really do feel like when I do this for myself, I have to wait until I feel like something shift in my body. Something has to release a little bit because if not, when I go to my kid, I'm just asking them to forgive me.

    26. TNTrevor Noah1:21:22

        Yeah.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:21:22

        Right?

    28. TNTrevor Noah1:21:23

        Mm-hmm.

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:21:23

        Or I'm saying something like, "Look, I'm sorry I yelled, but if you whined, if, if you didn't whine about dinner, it would've never happened." And that is definitely not-

    30. TNTrevor Noah1:21:31

        Yeah
33. 1:26:27 – 1:31:23

    Why parents repeat patterns they hate

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:26:27

       better than leaving the moment not talked about.

    2. TNTrevor Noah1:26:29

       Yeah.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:26:29

       Just like it's, right, we, we don't wanna do that with being yelled at, we don't wanna do that with Aunt Sally who has cancer. It's better to talk about the things that are happening-

    4. TNTrevor Noah1:26:36

       Yeah

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:26:37

       ... for kids. But I think the next ingredient is something that probably does require a little bit more time and reflection, and then resources. Okay, why am I yelling? I'm yelling most days at, I'm making this up, 6:00 PM. What's going on for me then?

    6. TNTrevor Noah1:26:51

       Hmm.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:26:51

       Okay, I don't feel like I have support. I don't know, am I a single parent? Is my partner not home? Is my partner home and on the couch and I feel very resentful, but maybe I've never learned how to speak up for my needs, so I have this whole hint and hope dance that's like-

    8. TNTrevor Noah1:27:03

       Yeah

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:03

       ... my favorite thing I notice, you know?

    10. TNTrevor Noah1:27:05

        I like that. [laughs]

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:05

        It'll be, it'll be great if you were home for bath time, and-

    12. TNTrevor Noah1:27:08

        Yeah

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:08

        ... you kind of hint and you hope, and then your partner doesn't even know when bath time is. [laughs]

    14. TNTrevor Noah1:27:12

        Yeah, yeah.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:12

        And then they come home late, and then you yell at them, and then you end up apologizing, right? And so what is my pattern? Okay, it's generally at 6:00. I feel overwhelmed. I always think I ask my partner for help, but my partner never gives me the help.

    16. TNTrevor Noah1:27:24

        Mm.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:24

        Okay.

    18. TNTrevor Noah1:27:24

        Mm.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:25

        What's going on there, right? Or it's something totally different. I always yell when there's whining. Well-

    20. TNTrevor Noah1:27:30

        Yeah

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:31

        ... why is that? Nobody likes whining, but I don't know, to me, as an example, whining often represents helplessness, so what's my relationship with helplessness? What did I learn as a child? And now we're talking about our triggers, and to me, this is my favorite part of Good Inside, is all the re-parenting stuff.

    22. TNTrevor Noah1:27:46

        Yes.

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:46

        Right? All the ways our stuff gets acted out.

    24. TNTrevor Noah1:27:49

        Hmm.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:49

        So repair is a starting point, but then I think when we say to our kid, "I'm working on staying calmer-

    26. TNTrevor Noah1:27:56

        Yeah

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:56

        ... even when I'm frustrated."

    28. TNTrevor Noah1:27:57

        Yeah.

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:27:58

        Well, we do have to have a little bit of a mirror to ourselves and say, "Am I?" Like, is it just am I hin- am I hoping, or-

    30. TNTrevor Noah1:28:04

        Yeah
34. 1:31:23 – 1:32:46

    Parenting without community is almost impossible

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:31:23

       children are driven by attachment. That is the primary evolutionary impact on a child, meaning that, yes, we need food, shelter, water, but the only way kids get food, shelter, water is through attachment with parents, right?

    2. TNTrevor Noah1:31:38

       Hmm.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:31:38

       They can't get it on their own.

    4. TNTrevor Noah1:31:39

       Yeah.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:31:39

       They can't survive on their own, right? And so they have to figure out how to stay close to a parent. And so we think about attachment as a relationship, which is, it is, but attachment is actually, it's a system of proximity.

    6. TNTrevor Noah1:31:53

       Hmm.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:31:53

       It's actually a system of proximity, 'cause if you think about attachment way, way, way, way back in the day, if you think about a lot of kids who are helpless, and there was some animal in the forest, okay, which kids were to survive? The ones that were closest-

    8. TNTrevor Noah1:32:07

       Hmm

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:32:07

       ... to their parent.

    10. TNTrevor Noah1:32:08

        Yeah.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:32:08

        Pick up my kid, right? And help them survive. And so kids are always paying attention to what keeps them close to a parent-

    12. EUEugene1:32:17

        Yeah

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:32:17

        ... and what kind of leads to distance. And the way we think about this now in 2025 certainly isn't just about an animal in the forest.

    14. EUEugene1:32:25

        Mm.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:32:26

        But what feelings, what parts of me do I get the message, "This is allowed. I can stay with you. I still like you when you're feeling this way"?

    16. EUEugene1:32:37

        Yeah.

    17. TNTrevor Noah1:32:37

        Hmm.

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:32:38

        In what feelings and experiences do I get the message through being hit, through harsh punishment, through the silent treatment to just go to your room,

35. 1:32:46 – 1:39:45

    Shame shapes adult behavior more than we realize

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:32:46

       right? Um, and never talking about something again. Essentially, the survival related, the evolutionary related message to a kid's body is that feeling, that part of you is dangerous. It's actually dangerous. Okay? So how does this relate to shame? Shame is actually, it starts as a very protective feeling because shame is fear of disconnection. If somebody saw this part of me, I would be unknowable, unlovable, unattachable.

    2. TNTrevor Noah1:33:17

       Hmm.

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:33:18

       And so if you think about shame in a child, how adaptive. For a kid, let's say, who learns, you know, whenever I get really mad, now I get mad and I don't have skills, so it's unfortunately coming out as hit or I hate you.

    4. TNTrevor Noah1:33:32

       Yeah.

    5. EUEugene1:33:32

       Yeah.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:33:33

       But that leads to bad things in my family. Okay? Like, I get punished or sent away or, you know, left on the street corner, whatever it is. My body will feel shame when I have anger in an attempt to not allow-

    7. TNTrevor Noah1:33:48

       Disappear

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:33:48

       ... yes, to not allow the feeling.

    9. TNTrevor Noah1:33:50

       Mm.

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:33:51

        Now, fast-forward many years, shame ironically tends to then make a lot of those feelings more explosive, right? That's what shame really does. There's nothing in adulthood that makes you either as shut down or as triggered and explosive as shame because it's kind of your body's way of remembering this is danger. This is 10 out of 10 threat state. You go into fight or flight because you're no longer facing, you know, a bear in the woods that would endanger you.

    11. TNTrevor Noah1:34:20

        Yeah.

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:34:20

        You're facing an intense feeling in your body that you learned was kind of met with aloneness.

    13. TNTrevor Noah1:34:26

        Yeah.

    14. EUEugene1:34:26

        Wow. Without an external visible threat to everybody.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:34:29

        That's exact-

    16. EUEugene1:34:30

        Then people think you're overreacting, yeah.

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:34:32

        That's exa-

    18. EUEugene1:34:32

        And you're like, "I, I, I feel it. It's..." Yeah.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:34:34

        That's exactly right. The threat now is, it's, like, inside your own body, which, which is terrifying. You, you literally can't run away from something-

    20. TNTrevor Noah1:34:41

        Yeah, you can't get away from it

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:34:42

        ... inside your body, right? [laughs] And so shame, when you start to-

    22. TNTrevor Noah1:34:45

        Hmm

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:34:46

        ... it's interesting. You can start to see it in kids, and some kids, I, I call them deeply feeling kids, I find to be especially shame prone.

    24. TNTrevor Noah1:34:53

        Yeah.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:34:53

        Right? They really are. They have big feelings. They have such a fear that their big feelings will also overwhelm others.

    26. TNTrevor Noah1:35:03

        Others, mm-hmm.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:35:03

        And so they are so, they're so desperately in need of a parent because of their big feelings-

    28. TNTrevor Noah1:35:09

        Yeah

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:35:09

        ... but they're also so fearful that they're gonna overwhelm a parent, so that shame is so present.

    30. TNTrevor Noah1:35:15

        Mm.
36. 1:39:45 – 1:48:15

    Kids carry their parents’ shame too

    1. TNTrevor Noah1:39:45

       was this whole thing. And I, I said something to her based on my experience as a child.

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:39:49

       Yeah.

    3. TNTrevor Noah1:39:49

       I said, "I'm, look, I'm not a therapist. I have no professional expertise."

    4. EUEugene1:39:53

       [laughs]

    5. TNTrevor Noah1:39:54

       But I said, "As a, as a child-"

    6. EUEugene1:39:55

       Mm-hmm

    7. TNTrevor Noah1:39:56

       ... as a professional child, I lived my whole young life-

    8. EUEugene1:39:58

       The former

    9. TNTrevor Noah1:39:58

       ... as a child

    10. EUEugene1:39:58

        ... professional. [laughs]

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:39:59

        [laughs]

    12. TNTrevor Noah1:39:59

        As a child. I have many years of being a child. I said, "Do yourself a favor. Next time you're gonna ask your kid something that they're gonna get into trouble for-"

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:40:09

        Mm.

    14. TNTrevor Noah1:40:09

        I said, "Give them time to answer you." So I said-

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:40:11

        Yes

    16. TNTrevor Noah1:40:12

        ... "Ask her, go like, 'Hey, did you eat the thing that I said you weren't supposed to eat? Don't answer me now. Go away-"

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:40:19

        Mm

    18. TNTrevor Noah1:40:20

        ... "and think about your answer, but come back when you're ready to answer me." And she was like, "Why?" And I said to her, "Because I know for me as Trevor, sometimes-

    19. EUEugene1:40:28

        Yeah

    20. TNTrevor Noah1:40:28

        ... the answer I was giving was just the answer in the moment because I was just like-

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:40:30

        Of course

    22. TNTrevor Noah1:40:31

        ... "There's the right answer."

    23. EUEugene1:40:31

        It's the vibe.

    24. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:40:32

        You're scared.

    25. TNTrevor Noah1:40:32

        "Do you eat the thing?" "No."

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:40:33

        Yeah.

    27. TNTrevor Noah1:40:33

        And it's like, "No?" And I'm like, "Oh, geez. Well, now I can't, I don't wanna be a liar, so I can't go back.

    28. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:40:37

        Yep.

    29. TNTrevor Noah1:40:37

        Now I've gotta lie more to get out of the lie."

    30. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:40:39

        [laughs]
37. 1:48:15 – 1:53:28

    Lying is often a bid for attachment

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:48:15

       on a weekend, and he's a kid who likes to feel very capable. And so he was trying to help us with the puzzle. He was probably, like, four or five at the time, and it was just, it was very hard, okay? And he was kind of playing it a little bit independently when we were working on it for a bit. We all had lunch. I come back. Like, a quarter of the puzzle is destroyed, and the pieces are gone. There was nobody else in our apartment, okay? And I, I knew it was him. I didn't have a video, but I just knew it, and I know him well enough. He probably went, he saw it, it brought up all of these, "Ugh, I'm not as much part of the family. I'm not capable. I hate this. Well, what can I do? I can kind of temporarily get rid of my feelings by just destroying the situation-

    2. EUEugene1:48:54

       Mm

    3. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:48:54

       ... that's delivering them." Okay, so I asked him, right, 'cause I really didn't know, "Hey, is there any way you know where those puzzle pieces are?" "Nope. Nope. I have no idea." I knew it, right, but I, I couldn't prove it. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything, and it's funny 'cause my husband, I know he'd be okay with me saying this, definitely grew up in a different way than I did, and he's like, "Well, what punish- what, what? How are we punishing him? What's the punishment? How severe? [laughs] He can't do this," right? "So disrespectful. This is such a normal reaction." And I just kind of knew, just let's wait. Okay, so put him to bed that night. I said, "I wanna tell you something. I don't think I've ever told you this before. When I was seven, my sister had some stickers. She had some stickers, and I really, really wanted them, and my mom wouldn't get me my own, and I wanted them. And do you know what I did?" He's like, "You probably asked for them nicely or something like that." [laughs] And I said, "No. I took them. And not only did I take them, I hid them. I took them, and I hid them. And the next day, my mom said to me, 'Becky, did you take your sister's stickers?'" I said, "Do you know what I told her?" And he goes, "I don't know."

    4. EUEugene1:50:16

       What?

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:50:17

       I said, "I said, 'Nope. Nope. Didn't take them. Mm-mm.'" And then I just kind of voiced over, "I really wanted them. I kind of wanted to be a part of it. I, then I just took them, and then I actually felt so bad. And so she asked me, but I felt too bad to tell her the truth. And then felt like I couldn't tell her the truth because I didn't tell her the truth, and it was just so, so bad. And [sighs] anyway, what book do you wanna read?" And I just moved on. Again, I didn't ruin the moment [laughs] by saying-

    6. TNTrevor Noah1:50:51

       Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:50:53

       I told my husband this, and I just like, I can't explain it. I felt in the moment like there was something happening, but he didn't give me any real sign. And I was like, "Just we're not going to punishment mode yet. Let's just wait." I, I swear on my life, a couple days later, he just brings me a bag of puzzle pieces. Just brought them to me.

    8. TNTrevor Noah1:51:13

       Hmm.

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:51:15

       Crying. And I don't think a punishment was needed. [laughs] We ended up talking about what it's like to be the third kid in the family, seeing something that you wanna be part of and that you can't be part of.

    10. TNTrevor Noah1:51:29

        Hmm.

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:51:30

        How most people, when they see that, have lots of thoughts that aren't so nice. [laughs] And actually having those thoughts and what you wanna do is kind of called urges. [laughs] And we all have urges, and urges aren't problems, but we can learn to kind of talk to our urges, and frankly, there was gonna be a lot of times being the youngest in the family that he was gonna wanna do things with us that he couldn't do, and we were gonna figure out those things together. And so I'm not trying to say I hear myself saying, uh, this is not, there's definitely times when I'm like, "You lied to me," you know? That, that happens, too.

    12. TNTrevor Noah1:52:02

        Mm-hmm.

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:52:02

        But [sighs] our kids are, they're, they're good inside. They're good kids who are having a hard time.

    14. TNTrevor Noah1:52:09

        Hmm.

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:52:09

        And we've had such a long legacy of seeing their struggles as a sign of who they are-

    16. TNTrevor Noah1:52:17

        Yeah

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:52:17

        ... instead of a sign of what they might need, that it feels so counter-cultural.

    18. TNTrevor Noah1:52:23

        Yeah.

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:52:23

        And then we've word so permissive, so soft. It, it's actually a much more resilient, gritty way of interacting with a kid because you can actually teach them and help them better understand-

    20. TNTrevor Noah1:52:38

        Hmm

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:52:38

        ... the very situations that are happening when they're young so that they actually don't engage in that [laughs] exact same behavior when they're older.

    22. TNTrevor Noah1:52:46

        When, when you tell that story, I can't help think back to how many moments I felt relief and connection when I discovered that my parent was as imperfect as I was-

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:52:59

        Mm-hmm

    24. TNTrevor Noah1:52:59

        ... in that moment.

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:53:00

        Yes.

    26. TNTrevor Noah1:53:01

        And going back to lying, going back to shame, going back to discipline, all of these ideas, it feels like there's, there's an undercurrent and there's a thread here where one of the main things you're advocating for in being a good parent is making sure that your child doesn't feel like they are alone in their existence. I mean, you even do this for parents. You're saying, "Hey, you might be listening. You might have a kid like this."

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:53:24

        Hmm.

    28. TNTrevor Noah1:53:24

        In those moments, you then feel less ashamed, less alone,

38. 1:53:28 – 2:03:47

    Kids want one thing, to know they are not alone

    1. TNTrevor Noah1:53:28

       less out of control because you are now part of something. And so-

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:53:32

       Hmm

    3. TNTrevor Noah1:53:32

       ... I think parents make that mistake oftentimes. They'll, they will tell their kids who they wish their kids to be-

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:53:40

       Mm-hmm

    5. TNTrevor Noah1:53:40

       ... because of who they wish they were-

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:53:43

       Hmm

    7. TNTrevor Noah1:53:43

       ... or who they wish they are, but they will oftentimes neglect to tell their child-

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:53:47

       Oh

    9. TNTrevor Noah1:53:48

       ... how much they say the, share the similarity of being imperfect. And they don't understand what that does to them. You know what I mean? It just, it just opens your world up. I remember when I was young, my, um, my, my mom was, she was just, like, really angry with me one day because my report card came, and I'd done terribly in math. I'd failed, failed in math. She was so angry, and we were with my grandmother this day, and my mom's busy, and she's, like, angry. She's like, "You know this child. Uh, he didn't study. He didn't do this," da, da. And then my gran was like, she's like, "Hi, what, what, what happened? What happened?" She's like, "Oh, he failed his math." And, and then, and then my gran said, she's like, "Ooh, like mother, like son."

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:54:21

        [laughs]

    11. TNTrevor Noah1:54:22

        And then my mom was like, "What? W- which mother?"

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:54:25

        [laughs]

    13. TNTrevor Noah1:54:25

        "What are you talking about?" And then my gran said, she's like, "Oh, you did terribly in s-

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:54:29

        Oh

    15. TNTrevor Noah1:54:30

        ... you were always failing subjects in school."

    16. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:54:32

        Hmm.

    17. TNTrevor Noah1:54:32

        Then my mom was like, "Me?" Mom was like, "I'm an A student. I'm..." And yes, later on-

    18. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:54:37

        Yeah

    19. TNTrevor Noah1:54:37

        ... in tertiary education and courses-

    20. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:54:40

        Yeah

    21. TNTrevor Noah1:54:40

        ... she's, I mean, you can't beat... But in that sh- and she had completely, and no joke, she had forgotten that. And she's like, "What are you talk-" And my gran then turned to me, and she's like, "Your mother, ha ha ha ha, never wanted to do homework. Always failing her math. Always..."

    22. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:54:54

        [laughs]

    23. TNTrevor Noah1:54:54

        And I remember, like, turning, looking at my mom, and I was just like-

    24. EUEugene1:54:57

        Et tu, Brutas

    25. TNTrevor Noah1:54:58

        ... it, I was like, yeah. [laughs] I literally, I was like-

    26. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:54:59

        Oh, exactly. Exactly

    27. TNTrevor Noah1:55:01

        ... "Ha. Well, well, well."

    28. EUEugene1:55:02

        [laughs]

    29. TNTrevor Noah1:55:03

        We- and, but you know what was wonderful? Look, my mom, to her credit, in that moment, she laughed.

    30. EUEugene1:55:06

        Yeah.
39. 2:03:47 – 2:08:49

    Why compassion feels dangerous for adults

    1. TNTrevor Noah2:03:47

       "You have chances. We're going to give you options. We're going to show you that..." You know, like, a judge can just say, "Hey, I actually shoplifted once. I never went to jail. I'm gonna give you a chance-

    2. EUEugene2:03:56

       Yeah

    3. TNTrevor Noah2:03:56

       ... and prove me wrong. Prove me wrong." You know how many times I've seen that story go on to be a person who becomes extremely successful? All they got was a chance.

    4. EUEugene2:04:04

       Give them a shot.

    5. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:04:04

       Mm-hmm.

    6. TNTrevor Noah2:04:05

       If I give you a criminal record and if I give you a chance, you're the same person. The difference is one of you gets the opportunity to become the person that I think you could be. And, and, you know, as, as, as we sort of wrap up and I, I think about all of the lessons that you've, that you've taught us here, I wanna know why you, why you've honed in on, on the parent and their goodness as well because-

    7. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:04:26

       Mm

    8. TNTrevor Noah2:04:26

       ... this is, this is such a beautiful element that I didn't see coming-

    9. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:04:29

       Mm

    10. TNTrevor Noah2:04:29

        ... honestly, and yet it became the most important in, in all of the work we get into. You talk about generous, less generous and more generous. It, um, it sparked a, a, a memory of probably my favorite philosopher, Le- Alain de Botton, who said, um, he said in his opinion, love ... You know when people go, "What is love?" He says, "Love is processing somebody through the most generous lens possible."

    11. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:04:54

        Mm.

    12. TNTrevor Noah2:04:55

        That's all it is, processing through the most generous lens possible. And then I found myself thinking while reading your book and thinking about parenting, why is it that people will often be the most generous with a pet?

    13. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:05:07

        Mm.

    14. TNTrevor Noah2:05:08

        It doesn't matter what a pet does. They'll go, "They chewed my shoes. Oh, it's because I left them at home for too long."

    15. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:05:13

        [laughs]

    16. TNTrevor Noah2:05:14

        You know? "Oh, they, they peed on, on the carpet. Uh, it's because I, I, I made them nervous-

    17. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:05:18

        Mm

    18. TNTrevor Noah2:05:18

        ... and there were fireworks and..." You'll see people, they go like, "Oh, but they're a rescue. You must understand all the things. The reason they bit you is not because of them, it's because of how you moved towards them."

    19. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:05:28

        Yeah.

    20. TNTrevor Noah2:05:28

        And this is a beautiful, generous way to see them.

    21. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:05:29

        Yes.

    22. TNTrevor Noah2:05:30

        But then w- with their kid, you'll go, "Why did your kid do that? Ugh, good question. Little piece of shit. I don't know why they do anything." And you do something that's so beautiful at the end of the book and in your work. You flip the lens on the parent and you go, "I need you to remember that you are good inside." Why is that so important, and what are you trying to teach parents of children who are trying to see the good in their kids?

    23. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:06:01

        Well, I mean, that's ... I think that's why I find parenting to be such a compelling topic, is because-

    24. TNTrevor Noah2:06:08

        Yeah

    25. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:06:08

        ... at once we're talking about a kid and a parent. You can't help your kid if you're not doing some type of internal work, and anything that's new feels really uncomfortable.

    26. TNTrevor Noah2:06:21

        Mm.

    27. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:06:22

        That's r- our body's way of saying, "This is new. I don't really have a circuit for this." It's kind of like skiing down a ski slope that's never had a track, right?

    28. TNTrevor Noah2:06:30

        Yeah.

    29. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:06:30

        That would feel really awkward and uncomfortable. And for most of us, in human relationships, compassion is very new, and so new is registered as dangerous I think.

    30. TNTrevor Noah2:06:41

        Yeah.
40. 2:08:49 – 2:09:37

    Parents must remember they are good inside too

    1. TNTrevor Noah2:08:50

       Thank you so much for watching the episode. If you enjoyed it, pass it on to a friend. If you didn't enjoy it, pass it on to your friend still. Let them suffer for a change. And don't forget to engage with us in the comments. Uh, if you wanna, uh, suggest a guest, maybe there's questions you want, maybe there's ideas that you have, you can chat to us. We will read through the comments, and we'll get into it. Either way, I appreciate you taking the time. Thank you for hanging out with us on What Now? And remember, we do this for you, so we would like to hear from you. Till next time, thank you.

Episode duration: 2:09:23