If I Ruled The World: Creating Chaos with Anele & Sizwe! - What Now? with Trevor Noah Podcast

1. 0:00 – 0:04

   Intro

   1. TNTrevor Noah0:00

      [upbeat music]

2. 0:04 – 2:54

   Secret Spouses, Funerals and Spinoff Series

   1. TNTrevor Noah0:04

      Okay, what do you think is worse, finding out the person you're with has a secret husband or wife, or being the secret husband or wife?

   2. AMAnele Mdoda0:11

      Finding out that there's a secret, because w- if you are the secret-

   3. TNTrevor Noah0:15

      You're in on the secret, yeah

   4. AMAnele Mdoda0:15

      ... you've got control. You in on it. You're in control.

   5. TNTrevor Noah0:18

      Huh.

   6. AMAnele Mdoda0:19

      Hmm. Yeah, don't ever be the one who gets blindsided. Now you there-

   7. TNTrevor Noah0:22

      Wait, you'd rather be-

   8. AMAnele Mdoda0:24

      The secret

   9. TNTrevor Noah0:24

      ... the secret?

   10. AMAnele Mdoda0:25

       Yeah. There's power in that. The one that's the secret has got the choice, has got the choice to not be the secret.

   11. TNTrevor Noah0:31

       But they don't-

   12. AMAnele Mdoda0:32

       The one that is-

   13. TNTrevor Noah0:33

       Oh

   14. AMAnele Mdoda0:33

       ... that is none the wiser, all of their choices have been taken away.

   15. TNTrevor Noah0:37

       You might never know. I would... I, I always think to myself, "It would be nice to be at a funeral and find things out." You know, you hear these stories of people where they're at a funeral-

   16. AMAnele Mdoda0:44

       And they found out that they've-

   17. TNTrevor Noah0:45

       ... of the person they've been married with, uh, to forever, right?

   18. AMAnele Mdoda0:46

       Yeah.

   19. TNTrevor Noah0:47

       And then at the funeral they meet another family and they're like, "Oh, who are you? We've never met you." And they go, "We're the family." And they're like, "No, no, we're the family."

   20. AMAnele Mdoda0:53

       Mm.

   21. TNTrevor Noah0:53

       And then it becomes... I think that's nice, 'cause it's nice to, like... 'Cause think about it, a funeral, you feel like it's the end of your journey, but now it's nice to be like there's like a spinoff series.

   22. AMAnele Mdoda1:01

       No.

   23. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:01

       That's not nice, bro.

   24. AMAnele Mdoda1:01

       There's nothing fun, there's nothing fun about finding out-

   25. TNTrevor Noah1:04

       You know what's nice? It's better than a person just dying, guys.

   26. AMAnele Mdoda1:06

       No.

   27. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:07

       No, bro.

   28. AMAnele Mdoda1:08

       No. No.

   29. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:08

       Then- I'd rather my dad dies and then we go, and then we all the one family going there and we're also one family coming back. That's it.

   30. TNTrevor Noah1:14

       Wouldn't you rather have, like, new siblings now-
3. 2:54 – 5:08

   Anele's Marriage and Sizwe's Wife-and-Kids Tweets

   1. AMAnele Mdoda2:54

      I'm, like, spoiled. I'm pampered. It's nice.

   2. TNTrevor Noah2:55

      Oh.

   3. AMAnele Mdoda2:56

      Like, I, I do nothing, which is great, because I've done the other-

   4. TNTrevor Noah2:58

      I thought it was the other way around.

   5. AMAnele Mdoda2:59

      No. Yeah, that's what they, that's what they try to sell us women, that, "Yeah, you must cook, you must clean." Uh-uh, none of that. The real marriages, it's the man that does everything.

   6. TNTrevor Noah3:08

      Wait, so you don't cook anymore?

   7. AMAnele Mdoda3:09

      I do cook, but that's all I need to do.

   8. TNTrevor Noah3:11

      Oh, okay.

   9. AMAnele Mdoda3:12

      Like, absolutely all I need to do.

   10. TNTrevor Noah3:13

       Yeah, 'cause I was gonna be like, you not cooking is a...

   11. AMAnele Mdoda3:16

       A bit of, a bit of punishment for me, especially.

   12. TNTrevor Noah3:17

       No, but for everyone.

   13. SDSizwe Dhlomo3:18

       For us as well.

   14. TNTrevor Noah3:19

       No, but for everyone.

   15. SDSizwe Dhlomo3:19

       [laughs]

   16. TNTrevor Noah3:20

       Just as, like, a concept now. Now I have, like, a vested interest in destroying your marriage.

   17. AMAnele Mdoda3:23

       [laughs] No, don't do that.

   18. TNTrevor Noah3:25

       No, I'm saying if you didn't cook. I'm saying if you didn't cook.

   19. AMAnele Mdoda3:27

       Okay. Okay. No, I promise you, it's, um, it's so nice to find a partner. Like, I, I've literally found an equal. Like, he's, he's my partner. He, he's, like, he's my dude, he's my guy, and-

   20. TNTrevor Noah3:37

       That's amazing

   21. AMAnele Mdoda3:37

       ... yeah, I'm j- I feel so protected and safe, and it's just the entire thing. Also, because he's the one person in the world that I don't have to convince to be on my side.

   22. TNTrevor Noah3:48

       Oh, he's automatically on your side.

   23. AMAnele Mdoda3:50

       He's automatically, automatically on my side, but, well, in public. But if we get home-

   24. TNTrevor Noah3:54

       No, no, no

   25. AMAnele Mdoda3:54

       ... yeah, yeah

   26. TNTrevor Noah3:54

       ... that's the whole point of a relationship.

   27. AMAnele Mdoda3:55

       And then, and then he feels like-

   28. TNTrevor Noah3:56

       Yeah, yeah, yeah

   29. AMAnele Mdoda3:56

       ... "Ah, babe," you know.

   30. TNTrevor Noah3:57

       In public you say-
4. 5:08 – 8:23

   Trevor's First Wedding and the Disguise Plan

   1. TNTrevor Noah5:08

      Your wedding's gonna be the first wedding I've ever attended.

   2. AMAnele Mdoda5:10

      I know that.

   3. TNTrevor Noah5:10

      Ever in my life.

   4. AMAnele Mdoda5:11

      I know that, and this-

   5. TNTrevor Noah5:12

      Are there any tips I should know?

   6. SDSizwe Dhlomo5:13

      You've worked at a wedding, though.

   7. TNTrevor Noah5:14

      Say again?

   8. SDSizwe Dhlomo5:14

      You've worked at a wedding.

   9. TNTrevor Noah5:15

      Yeah, but that's not attending a wedding. A lot of people work at weddings, bru.

   10. SDSizwe Dhlomo5:18

       Oh, okay.

   11. TNTrevor Noah5:20

       Imagine if people serving food are like, "Oh, this is my fourth wedding I've attended."

   12. SDSizwe Dhlomo5:23

       [laughs]

   13. TNTrevor Noah5:23

       No, bru, you work at the wedding.

   14. AMAnele Mdoda5:24

       "No, it's not, and my mashed potato's cold."

   15. TNTrevor Noah5:26

       Yes. You don't w- you don't attend a wedding if you're working at a wedding. I've never attended a wedding ever in my life. Is there anything I should know beforehand? Are there things I should or shouldn't do?

   16. AMAnele Mdoda5:37

       No, you, you, you... I mean, you'll be fine. Trevor, you've been to the Oscars and the Grammys. I think you'll be-

   17. TNTrevor Noah5:42

       Yeah, but that's not the same.

   18. AMAnele Mdoda5:43

       Are you sure? [laughs]

   19. TNTrevor Noah5:44

       Oh, goodness. Here we go.

   20. SDSizwe Dhlomo5:45

       [laughs] Oh, boy.

   21. AMAnele Mdoda5:49

       Do, do you panic when you have to go to events like that? Because a little bit of me is panicked for you.

   22. TNTrevor Noah5:54

       Why?

   23. AMAnele Mdoda5:54

       Because of people And I, and I know my people, and I love my people, but you must realize something else about a wedding is that those are not all-

   24. TNTrevor Noah6:01

       Oh, they're not all your people

   25. AMAnele Mdoda6:02

       ... my people.

   26. TNTrevor Noah6:03

       Yeah, so you know, it's funny you say that. Th- so part of the reason I've never been to weddings is 'cause I work too much.

   27. AMAnele Mdoda6:07

       Mm.

   28. TNTrevor Noah6:07

       The other reason is people don't invite me to their weddings, or people un-invite me because I'm me.

   29. AMAnele Mdoda6:11

       Mm.

   30. TNTrevor Noah6:12

       So multiple brides have said, "We don't want Trevor at our wedding."
5. 8:23 – 12:22

   Rules of If I Ruled the World and Sizwe's Simultaneous Elections

   1. TNTrevor Noah8:23

      Um, well, uh, the reason I invited you here, my friends, is y- I realized the other day we've never played a game of If I Ruled the World together.

   2. AMAnele Mdoda8:31

      If I ruled the world.

   3. SDSizwe Dhlomo8:32

      How does it work?

   4. TNTrevor Noah8:33

      Yes. Hey, you know what? I knew you're gonna want, like, the rules. And I'm gonna have to break them down for you. Anele will just play the game-

   5. AMAnele Mdoda8:39

      Yeah

   6. TNTrevor Noah8:39

      ... 'cause you're a normal human being. Sizwe is a robot, so I have to explain this to you. I- I- it's If I Ruled the World, but don't think of it as like a u- t- i- it's not like a m... It's magic, but it's not magic.

   7. SDSizwe Dhlomo8:53

      Okay.

   8. TNTrevor Noah8:54

      It's a thought exercise.

   9. SDSizwe Dhlomo8:55

      So it doesn't need to make sense.

   10. TNTrevor Noah8:56

       It's, the, the whole... It's better if it doesn't make sense, but your motives need to make sense. And what you're trying to do is convince the other two people-

   11. AMAnele Mdoda9:03

       Mm

   12. TNTrevor Noah9:03

       ... that your idea of the world should be implemented because you justify it. Y- y- do, do you get what I'm saying?

   13. SDSizwe Dhlomo9:11

       100%.

   14. TNTrevor Noah9:11

       All right. Sizwe, go.

   15. SDSizwe Dhlomo9:13

       If I ruled the world, all elections would be at the same time. All countries, it's like, "Yo, man, elections on this day, same limit terms," and we all go to elections, and we vote, and then we rule.

   16. TNTrevor Noah9:26

       Huh.

   17. SDSizwe Dhlomo9:26

       There's more to this. I can add to it as we progress.

   18. AMAnele Mdoda9:28

       Mm.

   19. SDSizwe Dhlomo9:28

       But that's a starting point.

   20. TNTrevor Noah9:29

       Okay, so if you ruled the world, everyone in the world would have their elections on the exact same day.

   21. SDSizwe Dhlomo9:36

       Yes.

   22. TNTrevor Noah9:36

       Exact same time. Basically, you're doing like-

   23. SDSizwe Dhlomo9:38

       Terms would be aligned.

   24. TNTrevor Noah9:39

       Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're doing-

   25. AMAnele Mdoda9:39

       My question then, e- even countries that don't have elections, you would say i-

   26. SDSizwe Dhlomo9:43

       [laughs]

   27. TNTrevor Noah9:45

       [laughs]

   28. SDSizwe Dhlomo9:47

       Well, so, you know, you laugh-

   29. TNTrevor Noah9:50

       What a random-

   30. SDSizwe Dhlomo9:50

       ... but she raises a very good point
6. 12:22 – 14:32

   CNN, the Football Analogy, and the Vote on Sizwe's World

   1. AMAnele Mdoda12:22

      No, I don't think that argument holds water because then I'd still go, wanna go somewhere else for better weather.

   2. SDSizwe Dhlomo12:27

      Okay. Yeah, you can go for better weather.

   3. AMAnele Mdoda12:29

      Yeah, but I'm just saying.

   4. TNTrevor Noah12:29

      But refugees don't travel for better weather, Anele.

   5. SDSizwe Dhlomo12:30

      [laughs]

   6. TNTrevor Noah12:31

      I don't know. Okay, I understand-

   7. AMAnele Mdoda12:33

      South Africans have changed-

   8. TNTrevor Noah12:34

      South Africans... Yes, let's be honest

   9. AMAnele Mdoda12:35

      ... the definition of refugees.

   10. TNTrevor Noah12:36

       Yes.

   11. SDSizwe Dhlomo12:36

       Yeah.

   12. TNTrevor Noah12:36

       South Africans really have changed the definition of refugees because before this, refugees only went to another country because, like, they had to and they had no life. Um-

   13. AMAnele Mdoda12:46

       And their bags didn't have wheels. Our refugees-

   14. TNTrevor Noah12:48

       [laughs]

   15. AMAnele Mdoda12:49

       ... they would drag their luggage on.

   16. TNTrevor Noah12:51

       Yes. Normally refugees have baggage, not luggage.

   17. SDSizwe Dhlomo12:53

       [laughs]

   18. TNTrevor Noah12:53

       This is very different.

   19. AMAnele Mdoda12:54

       Exactly.

   20. TNTrevor Noah12:55

       So, um, yes, uh, I hear what you're saying, but I, I, I don't think people will travel for weather. But I do think Anele is right about places still being better than other places.

   21. AMAnele Mdoda13:05

       Mm. Yes, yes.

   22. SDSizwe Dhlomo13:05

       Yeah. So places will inherently be better than others.

   23. TNTrevor Noah13:08

       But do you wanna tank it all at once or win all at once?

   24. SDSizwe Dhlomo13:10

       Well, the idea is not to tank anything. The idea is actually to progress all at once. Because now here's my idea of the leadership, right?

   25. TNTrevor Noah13:17

       Okay, go.

   26. SDSizwe Dhlomo13:18

       It's essentially the Avengers of each region. Uh, let's think about Africa maybe to start off with.

   27. AMAnele Mdoda13:26

       Okay. Okay.

   28. SDSizwe Dhlomo13:28

       When you look at the liberation of Africa from colonialism, obviously you get staggered, but majority of the good times happened between 1955 to, like, maybe 1965, right?

   29. TNTrevor Noah13:40

       This is the good times for Africans or for the colonial powers?

   30. SDSizwe Dhlomo13:43

       No, for Africans.
7. 14:32 – 29:24

   Winner-Takes-All, Timing, and the Stag Hunt Game Theory Problem

   1. SDSizwe Dhlomo14:32

      Yeah, 100%. It won't stabilize at the same time, but you will start working towards the goal at round about the same time. And then-

   2. TNTrevor Noah14:39

      I, I, I do, I do think there's, there is some merit to this because if, if you think about every, every conflict and every negotiation that happens around the world, many of them are thrown off by a regime change at the wrong time.

   3. SDSizwe Dhlomo14:54

      Yes.

   4. TNTrevor Noah14:55

      Right? So Israel-Palestine's a good example. Some of the most progress they ever made was thrown off by an Israeli election-

   5. AMAnele Mdoda15:03

      Mm

   6. TNTrevor Noah15:03

      ... that all of a sudden there was a new leader who was like, "Actually-

   7. AMAnele Mdoda15:05

      With new ideas

   8. TNTrevor Noah15:06

      ... everything you were agreeing to-

   9. AMAnele Mdoda15:07

      Yeah

   10. TNTrevor Noah15:07

       ... I don't care about it, and we're starting again." Trump is a great example. As America was... You know, Joe Biden was like, "I'm doing this, I'm doing..." And then even the other way, by the way. W- you know, when Joe Bi- when Joe Biden came in after Trump-

   11. AMAnele Mdoda15:18

       Yeah

   12. TNTrevor Noah15:18

       ... it throws everything off.

   13. AMAnele Mdoda15:19

       But what's to say that every n- it doesn't matter about the timing, that we're all getting a new leader at the same time. Maybe I come in and I don't agree with what has been happening in this country.

   14. TNTrevor Noah15:27

       But what Sizwe's saying is that you don't agree-

   15. SDSizwe Dhlomo15:29

       But we just have elections

   16. TNTrevor Noah15:29

       ... but Sizwe's saying you don't agree at the same time at least.

   17. SDSizwe Dhlomo15:32

       Yeah.

   18. AMAnele Mdoda15:32

       Mm.

   19. TNTrevor Noah15:32

       We all start-

   20. SDSizwe Dhlomo15:32

       And also, we just have elections. It's not to say that just because there are elections, we're gonna change. We may have elections to decide we're keeping Anele-

   21. AMAnele Mdoda15:38

       Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. Okay

   22. SDSizwe Dhlomo15:38

       ... for another five years or however long the term is, right? Also, your people get to decide. So the majority wins, but winner takes all, like the Electoral College, right? So even if you win by 51%, now you're gonna be a dictator. The other 49 can go jump.

   23. TNTrevor Noah15:55

       Whoa. This is what you're adding to your thing?

   24. SDSizwe Dhlomo15:57

       Yes.

   25. AMAnele Mdoda15:57

       That I agree with.

   26. TNTrevor Noah15:59

       Wow.

   27. SDSizwe Dhlomo15:59

       Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

   28. AMAnele Mdoda15:59

       Now, now you've got my attention.

   29. SDSizwe Dhlomo16:01

       So if you win by 51%-

   30. AMAnele Mdoda16:03

       Yeah
8. 29:24 – 32:08

   Anele's 10-Minute Commute Rule

   1. AMAnele Mdoda29:24

      Okay, my best one. If I ruled the world, everyone, and I mean everyone, would have to live 10 minutes from where they work. Max. Max.

   2. TNTrevor Noah29:37

      10 minutes by car, by train, by bus, by walking, by-

   3. AMAnele Mdoda29:41

      So, by everything. So I'd, I'd find that every single country has to have such a great public service transport system-

   4. TNTrevor Noah29:47

      Yeah

   5. AMAnele Mdoda29:47

      ... that it doesn't matter where you li- where you work, but you have to live 10 minutes away.

   6. TNTrevor Noah29:52

      Have to live 10 minutes-

   7. AMAnele Mdoda29:53

      Yes

   8. TNTrevor Noah29:53

      ... so no one can live more than 10 minutes away.

   9. AMAnele Mdoda29:56

      Well, if you want to, that's, that's really up to you, but I just feel that life would be easier if, if everyone's commute to work was shorter.

   10. SDSizwe Dhlomo30:05

       I mean, I'm with you.

   11. TNTrevor Noah30:06

       No, but now you're giving us like a-

   12. SDSizwe Dhlomo30:07

       In theory

   13. TNTrevor Noah30:07

       ... like a, like a-

   14. SDSizwe Dhlomo30:07

       In theory it makes sense

   15. TNTrevor Noah30:08

       ... like an easy system.

   16. AMAnele Mdoda30:09

       Oh, much, so, well-

   17. SDSizwe Dhlomo30:10

       In theory it makes sense, but it's not practical at all.

   18. AMAnele Mdoda30:13

       Oh, really?

   19. SDSizwe Dhlomo30:14

       No.

   20. AMAnele Mdoda30:14

       Mr. [laughs] Since when did you become-

   21. TNTrevor Noah30:15

       Wait, wait, wait, but I wanna know-

   22. AMAnele Mdoda30:16

       ... Mr. Strategic?

   23. TNTrevor Noah30:16

       Wait, wait, wait. I, I wanna know more, the whys.

   24. AMAnele Mdoda30:18

       Yeah.

   25. TNTrevor Noah30:18

       Let's, let's go to the whys before we, before we... So why?

   26. AMAnele Mdoda30:23

       Because I find that most people, and, and this is obviously not the, the higher echelon that can take helicopters to work, right?

   27. TNTrevor Noah30:29

       Yes, yeah.

   28. AMAnele Mdoda30:29

       Well done to them. But I find that most people who are just working, middle-class people who are just working-

   29. TNTrevor Noah30:34

       Mm-hmm

   30. AMAnele Mdoda30:34

       ... which is most of the world-
9. 32:08 – 37:03

   Amending the Commute Rule: Anele Wins

   1. TNTrevor Noah32:08

      Okay, so you want people to commute.

   2. AMAnele Mdoda32:09

      Yeah.

   3. SDSizwe Dhlomo32:09

      No.

   4. AMAnele Mdoda32:09

      There must be some sort of commute.

   5. TNTrevor Noah32:10

      Okay. I'm, I'm drilling down on this.

   6. AMAnele Mdoda32:11

      Yeah.

   7. TNTrevor Noah32:11

      I like this. So-

   8. AMAnele Mdoda32:11

      Yeah

   9. TNTrevor Noah32:12

      ... you, you don't wanna eliminate the commute.

   10. AMAnele Mdoda32:13

       Yeah.

   11. TNTrevor Noah32:14

       Okay. But you don't want people to spend m- more than a certain amount. So does the time-

   12. AMAnele Mdoda32:18

       No

   13. TNTrevor Noah32:18

       ... the time-

   14. AMAnele Mdoda32:19

       They must not spend any money.

   15. TNTrevor Noah32:20

       No money.

   16. AMAnele Mdoda32:21

       Yeah, no money.

   17. TNTrevor Noah32:21

       Time?

   18. AMAnele Mdoda32:23

       10 minutes max.

   19. TNTrevor Noah32:23

       Okay, so 10 minutes-

   20. AMAnele Mdoda32:24

       Yeah

   21. TNTrevor Noah32:24

       ... and no cost.

   22. AMAnele Mdoda32:25

       Yeah.

   23. TNTrevor Noah32:27

       Hoo.

   24. SDSizwe Dhlomo32:27

       Okay. That's fine then. That works. It's as good as teleporting.

   25. TNTrevor Noah32:30

       Okay. Now here's what I worry about. What are you going to do when your cities and systems grow to the point where it can't sustain? 'Cause, like, you can only, you can only do-

   26. SDSizwe Dhlomo32:40

       I just said that.

   27. TNTrevor Noah32:41

       I'm asking it as a question.

   28. AMAnele Mdoda32:42

       [laughs]

   29. SDSizwe Dhlomo32:43

       Mm-hmm.

   30. TNTrevor Noah32:43

       Sizwe.
10. 37:03 – 47:32

    Free Transport Loopholes and the Nigerian Uber Story

    1. TNTrevor Noah37:03

       So I have a question for you. Your government is paying everyone for transport.

    2. AMAnele Mdoda37:07

       Mm-hmm.

    3. TNTrevor Noah37:07

       What if, um, people then, so I'll, I'll tell you a little fun story, uh, that hap- this happened in Nigeria.

    4. AMAnele Mdoda37:15

       Mm-hmm.

    5. TNTrevor Noah37:16

       Uber, the company we're all familiar with, went from country to country trying to grow its operations. One of the things it did that was particularly ingenious and sinister at the same time was they gave incentives to drivers in all of these countries to drive for Uber-

    6. AMAnele Mdoda37:34

       Mm-hmm

    7. TNTrevor Noah37:34

       ... by giving them bonuses. So they said, "If you take, if you agree to drive for Uber and you pick somebody up from, let's say, an airport where we really need drivers, we'll give you a bonus. So we'll give you, like, double the amount of the fare that it would normally be." And they went and they did this in almost every country.

    8. AMAnele Mdoda37:48

       Is that sustainable?

    9. TNTrevor Noah37:49

       It's not supposed to be. The only thing they were trying to do is establish themselves in the markets and get a stranglehold on it so that, like, taxis and all these other industries wouldn't be able to compete.

    10. SDSizwe Dhlomo37:59

        Get crowded out.

    11. AMAnele Mdoda37:59

        Mm-hmm.

    12. TNTrevor Noah37:59

        Exactly.

    13. AMAnele Mdoda37:59

        Mm-hmm.

    14. TNTrevor Noah37:59

        So they get crowded out, right? Now, it worked in most places. In Nigeria, however, Nigerian taxi drivers and Uber, like people who were, had cars, they did the calculation and realized that they could make money but not really have to drive anybody. So what Uber drivers in Nigeria did was they signed up to be Uber drivers. They then called themselves from the airports-

    15. AMAnele Mdoda38:26

        Uh-huh

    16. TNTrevor Noah38:27

        ... picked up nobody from the airport, drove themselves back into the city, and then got the bonus amount, which was, which paid for the gas.

    17. AMAnele Mdoda38:34

        So you're making, uh, yes.

    18. TNTrevor Noah38:35

        And then they, then they took themselves back to the airport to get another fare that was a bonus.

    19. AMAnele Mdoda38:41

        'Cause if it's a bonus, then you're just living off the bonus.

    20. TNTrevor Noah38:43

        And they were making so much money doing this that Uber canceled the scheme for the whole world.

    21. SDSizwe Dhlomo38:48

        Man-

    22. TNTrevor Noah38:48

        Basically-

    23. SDSizwe Dhlomo38:49

        ... Nigerians are so genius, bro

    24. TNTrevor Noah38:50

        ... bruh, kudos to Nigeria.

    25. AMAnele Mdoda38:52

        All the time.

    26. TNTrevor Noah38:53

        Because Uber was scamming, and then Nigeria was like, "You want to scam?"

    27. SDSizwe Dhlomo38:56

        [laughs]

    28. AMAnele Mdoda38:56

        [laughs]

    29. TNTrevor Noah38:57

        "You want to scam?"

    30. AMAnele Mdoda38:57

        You came to the head office.
11. 47:32 – 54:32

    Trevor's Ministry of Life: Nobody Knows Their Child

    1. AMAnele Mdoda47:32

       Okay.

    2. TNTrevor Noah47:33

       Okay. So if I ruled the world, nobody would know who their child was.

    3. SDSizwe Dhlomo47:43

       What?

    4. TNTrevor Noah47:45

       Wait, wait, let me, let me explain. [laughs]

    5. SDSizwe Dhlomo47:47

       Oh, damn.

    6. TNTrevor Noah47:48

       So, so wait.

    7. SDSizwe Dhlomo47:48

       Nah, nah, nah.

    8. TNTrevor Noah47:49

       So if I ruled the world... [laughs]

    9. SDSizwe Dhlomo47:52

       [laughs] No.

    10. TNTrevor Noah47:55

        Listen, listen, listen, listen.

    11. SDSizwe Dhlomo47:57

        I told you, Sizwe explanation.

    12. TNTrevor Noah47:58

        Listen. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

    13. SDSizwe Dhlomo48:00

        It's worse than taking a poo, man.

    14. TNTrevor Noah48:01

        Wait, wait, wait.

    15. AMAnele Mdoda48:03

        [laughs] I'd rather our poo speak for us.

    16. TNTrevor Noah48:05

        [laughs] Wait.

    17. AMAnele Mdoda48:06

        Really.

    18. SDSizwe Dhlomo48:06

        [laughs]

    19. TNTrevor Noah48:07

        No, guys. You know what, guys?

    20. SDSizwe Dhlomo48:09

        It's worse. [laughs]

    21. TNTrevor Noah48:10

        So if I ruled the world-

    22. AMAnele Mdoda48:11

        Mm.

    23. SDSizwe Dhlomo48:11

        Yeah

    24. TNTrevor Noah48:12

        ... no one would know who their child is. So what I mean by this is we would develop a system where you could still have sex. Everyone would do their thing. Everyone would do their thing. In our world, what would happen is when you are ready to be pregnant-

    25. AMAnele Mdoda48:25

        Mm

    26. TNTrevor Noah48:25

        ... you would come to, like, the Ministry of Pregnancy, and there's no qualifications, no nothing. No money, no nothing. We'd even come to you. It's not a transport thing. You can apply online. If you don't have internet, we'll help. Whatever.

    27. SDSizwe Dhlomo48:36

        Mm.

    28. TNTrevor Noah48:36

        Don't worry about all those things. But you come to us, you say like, "We want to have a child." We approve you. There's no questions or anything. We approve you, and then vaba! We impregnate the, the, the woman-

    29. AMAnele Mdoda48:47

        Mm-hmm

    30. TNTrevor Noah48:48

        ... and then you have the child. But now the child can come from anywhere. So you could have a white baby-
12. 54:32 – 1:01:40

    Would People Still Want Children? Parenting Debate

    1. SDSizwe Dhlomo54:32

       I like what your idea aims to achieve.

    2. TNTrevor Noah54:37

       But?

    3. SDSizwe Dhlomo54:38

       I worry that human nature would just mean that more people would opt out of being parents.

    4. TNTrevor Noah54:44

       Oh, interesting. Say more.

    5. SDSizwe Dhlomo54:46

       So for the same reason that you mentioned, there's actually no other reason to be a parent except a selfish reason.

    6. TNTrevor Noah54:52

       Okay.

    7. SDSizwe Dhlomo54:53

       There's no other reason.

    8. AMAnele Mdoda54:54

       Mm.

    9. SDSizwe Dhlomo54:54

       So people speak of legacy. People speak about, "I wanna carry on my bloodline."

    10. TNTrevor Noah54:59

        Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

    11. SDSizwe Dhlomo54:59

        People speak about, "I wanna see myself in this kid," and they'd have none of that in your world. And so what I think they would eventually do is they'll just be like, "Eh, you guys can raise other people's kids if you want."

    12. AMAnele Mdoda55:10

        Mm.

    13. SDSizwe Dhlomo55:10

        "I'd rather keep my money for myself and my wife, and I'm out."

    14. TNTrevor Noah55:13

        Yeah, but they're gonna die out at some point, and then the money goes somewhere.

    15. SDSizwe Dhlomo55:16

        People will die anyway.

    16. TNTrevor Noah55:17

        No, no, but think about it. I hear you.

    17. SDSizwe Dhlomo55:19

        Yeah.

    18. TNTrevor Noah55:19

        But my response to them would be, "Yes, you're, then you're gonna die out, and who are you gonna leave the money to?"

    19. SDSizwe Dhlomo55:25

        Yeah, people don't care about that.

    20. AMAnele Mdoda55:26

        It happens now anyway.

    21. TNTrevor Noah55:27

        But that's fine because that means that then th- they would die out as people, and their money would end up coming to the children of everyone.

    22. SDSizwe Dhlomo55:35

        But the issue is not the money.

    23. AMAnele Mdoda55:36

        We take that money.

    24. SDSizwe Dhlomo55:36

        The issue is about people not having kids.

    25. TNTrevor Noah55:39

        Don't you think it would average out, though? 'Cause in any society, there are people who want, there are people who don't want. But the, the, the law of averages dictates that-

    26. SDSizwe Dhlomo55:48

        I, I don't, I don't believe it would average out.

    27. TNTrevor Noah55:50

        You don't think so? You don't think-

    28. SDSizwe Dhlomo55:51

        No. Looking at human nature, and just look at ... I s- I used Japan for a reason, right?

    29. TNTrevor Noah55:57

        Yes. Go.

    30. SDSizwe Dhlomo55:58

        Because in Japan, the birthrate has been decreasing-
13. 1:01:40 – 1:09:37

    The Ministry of Life Details and Switched-Baby Argument

    1. TNTrevor Noah1:01:40

       Okay. I- in my world-

    2. AMAnele Mdoda1:01:43

       Mm

    3. TNTrevor Noah1:01:44

       ... we will, we'll make it... Like, it's really gonna be a beautiful experience. So you-

    4. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:01:49

       Explain the experience

    5. TNTrevor Noah1:01:49

       ... so you will come to the Ministry of Insemination. We're gonna call it the Ministry of Life, actually.

    6. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:01:54

       You sound like a cult now, but carry on.

    7. TNTrevor Noah1:01:55

       The Ministry of Life. You will come there, and we will be part of celebrating this thing that you wish to achieve, which is creating life, and it'll be like a honeymoon.

    8. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:02:04

       You sound like a cult.

    9. TNTrevor Noah1:02:04

       You know, we'll give you, uh, you know, champagne and caviar, everything that you want.

    10. AMAnele Mdoda1:02:09

        [laughs]

    11. TNTrevor Noah1:02:10

        You spend a wonderful night together. On that night, you know what I mean, we're gonna set the scene, create the vibes.

    12. AMAnele Mdoda1:02:16

        Everyone in the world's getting caviar?

    13. TNTrevor Noah1:02:18

        Yeah.

    14. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:02:19

        Forget that.

    15. TNTrevor Noah1:02:19

        Caviar's actually-

    16. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:02:20

        How does she get impregnated, bro?

    17. TNTrevor Noah1:02:21

        Wait, wait, Sizwe. She's on, uh, she's listening right now. I'll handle you afterwards.

    18. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:02:25

        [laughs]

    19. TNTrevor Noah1:02:25

        Let me do one at a time here.

    20. AMAnele Mdoda1:02:26

        Champagne.

    21. TNTrevor Noah1:02:26

        So Anele, you come there. Everyone gets champagne. Everyone gets caviar. Luther Vandross is playing. Babyface.

    22. AMAnele Mdoda1:02:31

        Babyface.

    23. TNTrevor Noah1:02:32

        Babyface is playing. Everyone's enjoying themselves. Whatever you want that night to be, we will make it happen, and remember, the ministry has departments all over the world, so we, we, we, we're close to you, 10 minutes away.

    24. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:02:41

        [laughs]

    25. TNTrevor Noah1:02:42

        So you come there, you enjoy yourself, and then on that night we inseminate you, right? It's a very seamless process. Not gonna be like IVF is now.

    26. AMAnele Mdoda1:02:52

        Mm.

    27. TNTrevor Noah1:02:52

        We've worked on the technology. But we inseminate you in that process, okay?

    28. AMAnele Mdoda1:02:57

        Very-

    29. TNTrevor Noah1:02:57

        And so-

    30. AMAnele Mdoda1:02:57

        ... devil's, the devil's advocate-
14. 1:09:37 – 1:15:51

    Sizwe's Black Market, Absent Fathers, and the Final Vote

    1. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:09:37

       I would be the guy smuggling, like, real kids. Like, you, you'd be like, "Yo, you and you."

    2. AMAnele Mdoda1:09:42

       You want your real child.

    3. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:09:42

       "Want your real baby."

    4. AMAnele Mdoda1:09:44

       Oh.

    5. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:09:44

       "Come visit me for nine months. You'll walk out with your real babies." That's my business. Guys be moving with real ones.

    6. AMAnele Mdoda1:09:51

       [laughs]

    7. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:09:52

       Selling authentic babies. [laughs]

    8. TNTrevor Noah1:09:55

       I mean, needless to say, there would be a crackdown of this-

    9. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:09:58

       [laughs]

    10. TNTrevor Noah1:09:59

        ... of this black market here that's run by Sizwe. But I-

    11. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:10:02

        It wouldn't only be black market. There could be white market.

    12. TNTrevor Noah1:10:04

        We're moving-

    13. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:10:04

        Chinese market.

    14. AMAnele Mdoda1:10:04

        [laughs]

    15. TNTrevor Noah1:10:05

        [laughs]

    16. AMAnele Mdoda1:10:06

        Asian market. Indian market.

    17. TNTrevor Noah1:10:09

        I, I'm willing to accept your votes.

    18. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:10:11

        [laughs]

    19. AMAnele Mdoda1:10:12

        Will you amend your rule, though?

    20. TNTrevor Noah1:10:14

        Unfortunately not.

    21. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:10:15

        I-

    22. TNTrevor Noah1:10:16

        That one I can't amend.

    23. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:10:17

        I'm voting out of this one.

    24. TNTrevor Noah1:10:18

        I can't... I'm sorry, Anele. I can't-

    25. AMAnele Mdoda1:10:19

        But you were there. Like, you really had me.

    26. TNTrevor Noah1:10:21

        I know, but I can't amend it because it wouldn't fulfill what I'm trying to do. So I, I, I-

    27. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:10:26

        You meant well, but, like, Anele, nah. I'm not voting for this world.

    28. TNTrevor Noah1:10:30

        So it was-

    29. SDSizwe Dhlomo1:10:31

        Your world, yo, your world didn't have cycles, bro. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. There'd be jokers moving around every... [laughs]

    30. TNTrevor Noah1:10:39

        Why would my world have cycles?

Episode duration: 1:15:52