Defining Healthy Masculinity & How to Build It | Terry Real

When the moment calls for fierceness, a good Mirani is a killer. And they- they are, they're warriors. They'll kill you, don't cross them. When the moment calls for tenderness, a good Mirani will lay down his sword and shield and be sweet like a baby. What makes a great Mirani is knowing which moment is which.

(instrumental music plays) Welcome to the Huberman Lab Podcast, where we discuss science, and science-based tools for everyday life. I'm Andrew Huberman, and I'm a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine. My guest today is Terry Real. Terry Real is a therapist and considered one of the world's foremost experts on male psychology, and on male/female dynamics in romantic relationships. Today we discuss what it means to be a man, and the mental health crisis that men are facing nowadays. As you may have heard, rates of depression and suicide are at an all-time high in men right now. Fewer and fewer men are in romantic relationships, and many don't even have a single close friend. And for those that are in romantic relationships, the public messaging about how to show up in those relationships is very conflicted. Today we address all of these issues head-on. Terry explains that to thrive in life, men have to look at relating as a skill that requires action and, yes, feelings, but also processing and communicating those feelings in a specific way, and sometimes not communicating them at all. We also discuss the critical importance of fraternity. Not necessarily college fraternities, but finding and belonging to a group of men that you can trust, that you can enjoy time with, that give you honest feedback, and that hold you accountable. What I appreciate so much about Terry Real is that he's willing to answer the hard questions about men and women very directly, and frankly, most therapists are not willing to do that publicly. For example, he explains that in his extensive work with couples, women and men are equally bad at relationships, but in different ways. And he offers solutions for them both if they actually want their relationship to thrive. Thanks to his honesty and providing practical tools, Terry Real provides us today with essential information for men and women of all ages. It cuts through all the generational differences that certainly exist, to highlight the practical ways that men can build and support their mental health, and thrive at work, school, and in romantic relationships, and also, just as importantly, in their relationship to themselves. That is, how men can build a strong self-concept, sense of agency, and confidence. Before we begin, I'd like to emphasize that this podcast is separate from my teaching and research roles at Stanford. It is however part of my desire and effort to bring zero-cost-to-consumer information about science and science-related tools to the general public. In keeping with that theme, today's episode does include sponsors. And now for my discussion with Terry Real. Terry Real, welcome.