A Yale Psychologist Explains Why Teens are Spiraling (It’s Not What You Think) | Mel Robbins Podcast
Mel Robbins (host), Dr. Lisa Damour (guest)
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, featuring Mel Robbins and Dr. Lisa Damour, A Yale Psychologist Explains Why Teens are Spiraling (It’s Not What You Think) | Mel Robbins Podcast explores yale psychologist redefines teen mental health and post-pandemic crisis Mel Robbins interviews clinical psychologist and author Dr. Lisa Damour about the emotional lives of teenagers, especially in the wake of the pandemic. Damour reframes mental health as having feelings that fit the situation and are managed in healthy ways, rather than the absence of distress or constant happiness.
Yale psychologist redefines teen mental health and post-pandemic crisis
Mel Robbins interviews clinical psychologist and author Dr. Lisa Damour about the emotional lives of teenagers, especially in the wake of the pandemic. Damour reframes mental health as having feelings that fit the situation and are managed in healthy ways, rather than the absence of distress or constant happiness.
They explore how normal, even intense, negative emotions are often signs of healthy functioning, and distinguish these from red-flag situations where emotions impair functioning or drive “costly coping” like substance abuse, self‑harm, avoidance, or disordered eating.
Damour explains how lockdown disrupted teens’ two core developmental tasks—growing independent and building peer relationships—leading to delays, spikes in anxiety, eating disorders, substance use, and school avoidance.
Throughout, she offers specific language, scripts, and frameworks for parents and caring adults to respond more effectively: validating distress, avoiding overreaction, supporting exposure to feared situations, and becoming a steady, empathic presence rather than a panicked fixer.
Key Takeaways
Distress can be a sign of mental health, not illness.
Psychologically, mental health is assessed by whether feelings fit the circumstances and are managed constructively—not by whether someone feels calm or happy. ...
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Watch for two red flags: impaired functioning and costly coping.
Concern rises when emotions significantly interfere with daily life (can’t attend school, socialize, or manage basics) or when someone relies on coping that ‘works’ but has a price—substance abuse, self-harm, lashing out, extreme avoidance. ...
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Start by respecting that problematic behaviors are serving a purpose.
Teens (and adults) don’t cut, binge, or overuse weed and gaming irrationally; these behaviors numb or regulate pain. ...
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Avoidance feeds anxiety; gradual exposure reduces it.
Letting kids skip parties, classes, or activities to relieve anxiety offers immediate relief but reinforces avoidance as the go‑to strategy and cements catastrophic beliefs. ...
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Externalization is normal: don’t absorb your teen’s emotional ‘trash.’
Adolescents often dump intense feelings on a parent, feel better, and move on while the parent lies awake worrying. ...
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Be alert to subtle signs of eating disorders and algorithm-driven norms.
Weight loss in teens (who are usually supposed to be gaining), cutting entire food groups, and hyper‑focus on fitness can be early warning signs. ...
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Your primary job is to be a steady, empathic presence.
When teens bring big emotions, matching their intensity—panicking, lecturing, overreacting—makes problems feel ‘adult‑size’ and less manageable. ...
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Notable Quotes
“So often, mental health concerns and distress are treated as though they are one and the same, but the presence of distress is often evidence of mental health.”
— Dr. Lisa Damour
“Humans are rational actors. They don’t do things that don’t serve a purpose—even when those things are damaging.”
— Dr. Lisa Damour
“Avoidance feeds anxiety. On this, everyone in psychology agrees.”
— Dr. Lisa Damour
“Our job is to try to be a steady presence.”
— Dr. Lisa Damour
“We’re not going to medicate or therapize our way out of this adolescent mental health crisis. It’s going to be about strong relationships with caring adults.”
— Dr. Lisa Damour
Questions Answered in This Episode
How can I better distinguish between my teen’s normal, developmentally appropriate distress and a situation where their functioning or coping really warrants professional intervention?
Mel Robbins interviews clinical psychologist and author Dr. ...
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When my child is using substances, gaming, or relationships to cope, how can I uncover what ‘purpose’ those behaviors are serving without sounding accusatory or naïve?
They explore how normal, even intense, negative emotions are often signs of healthy functioning, and distinguish these from red-flag situations where emotions impair functioning or drive “costly coping” like substance abuse, self‑harm, avoidance, or disordered eating.
Get the full analysis with uListen AI
What concrete steps can families take to gently reverse entrenched avoidance patterns—like school refusal or social withdrawal—when the teen is deeply resistant?
Damour explains how lockdown disrupted teens’ two core developmental tasks—growing independent and building peer relationships—leading to delays, spikes in anxiety, eating disorders, substance use, and school avoidance.
Get the full analysis with uListen AI
How should parents practically monitor and reshape a teen’s social media environment to reduce exposure to harmful body-image norms without provoking backlash or secrecy?
Throughout, she offers specific language, scripts, and frameworks for parents and caring adults to respond more effectively: validating distress, avoiding overreaction, supporting exposure to feared situations, and becoming a steady, empathic presence rather than a panicked fixer.
Get the full analysis with uListen AI
In households where adults are themselves anxious or dysregulated, what are realistic ways for them to cultivate the ‘steady presence’ Damour describes so they don’t amplify teens’ emotions?
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Transcript Preview
(ticking clock) (upbeat music) Today, you're gonna meet Dr. Lisa Damour. And if you thought the last three years in lockdown impacted you, wait till you hear her describe the impact that it had on young adults. Whether you're worried about kids in your life, or you're worried about somebody else, or you're worried about yourself, this is a remarkable opportunity for you to learn, for you to get scripts, for you to know exactly what to say and do to become a better you. Hey, it's Mel, and welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast. All righty, welcome. Uh, my name is Mel. I am so excited for today's conversation. You're gonna leave so hopeful, full of strategies that you're gonna put to use immediately. You're gonna feel empowered. If you're brand new to The Mel Robbins Podcast, welcome. Thank you for being here. I'm Mel. I'm a New York Times best-selling author, and I am one of the world's, uh, leading experts on stress, well, actually not stress. I did not, I- I said stress because our expert today is an expert on stress. I talk about behavior change and motivation, and today you're gonna meet Dr. Lisa Damour. She has made such a huge difference in my life. She used to write the article Motherlode for The New York Times. I held on to that article like a blankie when I was parenting our teenage daughters. She is so full of wisdom and just incredible advice and perspective. I also love her voice, wait till you hear voice. You're just gonna feel calm when she comes on. Dr. Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist. She's a New York Times best-selling author of three, yes, three incredible books. She has a PhD from the University of Michigan, and an undergraduate degree from Yale. She is one of the world's leading experts in parenting, education, child development, stress and anxiety. And I've invited her on because she not only hosts an incredible podcast called Ask Lisa, but she has changed my life with her three books, Untangled, Under Pressure, which is all about the pressure that girls in particular are feeling, and her latest New York Times best-selling book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers is revolutionary. Uh, she wrote it during the last three years of upheaval, and if you thought the last three years in lockdown impacted you, wait till you hear her describe the impact that it had on young adults. And this is not, by the way, a conversation just for those of us that have kids. This is a conversation for all of us, because we're gonna go deep into the difference between normal big emotions and distress and upsetting situations, which, by the way, are normal, and you need to be able to deal with them. And so you're gonna get tools from her for yourself. You're also gonna get advice about how to help people in your life, not just the kids, cope with very stressful situations. So you're gonna come out of this just armed with things that you can do. But what I love about Dr. Damour's work is that everything that I've ever read also makes me feel smarter, because she helps me understand these big, complicated topics, and I always leave knowing what to say, what to do. And so whether you're worried about kids in your life or you're worried about somebody else, or you're worried about yourself, this is a remarkable opportunity for you to learn, for you to get scripts, for you to know exactly what to say and do to become a better you, and to support the people around you. Her latest book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, is a must-read, in my opinion. This is a conversation I've been dying to have. Dr. Lisa Damour, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
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