How to Figure Out What You Really Want: Use This Life-Changing Hack

One thing that's really struck me is how hard it can be to simply know what you want. I mean, let me ask you right now, what do you really want?

I want to move to New York this year.

I'd love to have a place on the lake to get away with my family.

Okay.

And she's like, "Okay, why?"

I made a lot of, I'm also gonna cry, a lot of promises to myself as a little girl and New York has always been one of them.

Then she's like, "Do you need a lake house for that to happen?" And just was this very, like, personal thing of feeling like I miss the amount of time we spent together when they were little.

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I'm so glad that you're here with me today so that we can spend some time together. It is always such an honor to spend time with you, and I just want to acknowledge you for choosing to listen to something that could help you create a better life. And if you're a new listener, welcome. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so glad that you're here, and I'm particularly glad that you're listening right now today to this episode. And if somebody shared this with you and that's why you tuned in, the next time you see them, could you tell them thank you from me? Because they must really care about you. If they sent you this episode, wow, it means that they want to help you get what you want in life. Isn't that cool? This episode, by the way, it's a little bit different from the normal amazing episodes that are here on the Mel Robbins Podcast because what you're listening to today I have designed specifically as a workshop to help you gain the clarity and the courage and the conviction to answer one of the most important questions in life: What do you really want? And before we jump into it, let me just explain a little bit about the episode today, because it's one of these really special episodes that I do every once in a while that I design and create, and I think about it more like a free workshop. It's just a way for me to do a little more, just go the extra distance. I mean, I wanna do that for you because you have made the Mel Robbins Podcast one of the most popular listened to and watched podcasts in the entire world. I mean, I just learned this morning that we're about to surpass 150 million downloads of this show from those of you that are listening and from our subscribers on YouTube, where, by the way, you can watch every single episode of this podcast for free. And so that's why I wanna go to the extra distance, because I know that you listen to the Mel Robbins Podcast because you want to create a more meaningful and fulfilling life. So as a thank you, I do these workshops several times a year. In fact, I did one in January on the science of setting goals that almost a million of you have already taken. I'm gonna do another one on the science of goals this coming January, so you can look forward to that one too. In April, you and I did one about moving from thought to action, how you make things happen, and almost a million of you have completed that workshop. And so I am so excited to be back and share this workshop with you as well. And this one, this one is extremely important because it's gonna cover a topic that a lot of people miss, which is, how do you answer the question, "What do I want?" And this is so important because I personally think that the reason why so many people feel stuck or unsatisfied or even a little lost in their life is because if you don't know what you want, you're never gonna get it, because you don't even know what direction you should head in. And the other reason why this matters is because if you can't answer the question, "What do you want?" you don't know what you value or what you prioritize, which means people who do know what they want, they're always gonna come before you. So getting clear about what you want is the very first step to everything, really. And this is a hard question to answer because people can give you advice on how to make something happen, on the steps to take, but no one can answer this question for you. You have to answer this question for yourself. And so I've designed this episode as a workshop to help you get laser focused on what you truly want at this exact moment in your life. And before we jump in, I just wanna set this workshop up and tell you what you can expect. Like all of the workshops that I've done on the Mel Robbins Podcast, this episode has a free companion workbook, and you can download it at the URL melrobbins.com/what, W-H-A-T. That URL again is melrobbins.com/what. And when you go to melrobbins.com/what, you're gonna find a link and you can download the workbook. You can also find that link in the description as well, and you can also find it in the show notes. And if you're driving right now or you're taking me on a walk with you, you do not need to hit stop and then download and come back. No, no, no, no, no. Just listen to me as you continue to drive or as you finish your workout or as you're going on your walk and think about the answers, 'cause I'm gonna guide you through a series of questions that will help you get to the truth about what you want in your life right now. And so I will also remind you of that URL, melrobbins.com/what, toward the end of the episode for those of you who are gonna listen while you drive and walk so you can come back and get the workbook later. My mission today is to guide you through a proven series of questions and exercises that will help you gain the clarity that you need to answer this really important question: What do I want?Because once you know what you want, it's super easy to organize your spare time and your energy and your focus and take the steps to help you start moving toward it. And before we jump in and I guide you through the process, I wanna remind you, share this with absolutely everyone that you care about, whether it's someone in your life who's in college and needs to pick a major, or maybe someone in your life has a really big decision to make, or maybe there's somebody who you just simply see a bigger future for themselves than they see for themselves right now. You know, I personally believe that we are all capable of achieving remarkable things, but you don't achieve them unless you know what you want, and the first step is getting clear. In fact, I'm in the middle of a lot of big decisions in my business right now, and I've been using the exact same process and framework that I'm about to walk you through to get very clear about what I want in my business next. What you're going to learn applies to every kind of decision that you could make, whether it's a decision about your kids, a relationship, your business, your health, your goals. And so, I want you to think about this episode as a resource that you can come back to over and over and over again, wherever you are in your life, whatever decision you need to make. I mean, maybe you started college and you're in a different place now than you were a year ago and you're thinking about changing your major. Maybe there's something going on in your relationship. When you fell in love, you were a different person, you had different priorities, and now you're kinda confused and you're trying to decide, "What do I really want?" It's not only normal to change your mind and your desires and your goals. It's unavoidable. And clarity, this clarity that I am gonna teach you today, this is a skill, and so is the courage of having conviction, about getting honest with yourself about what you truly want and what you value at this exact moment in your life. And you can learn how to do this, and you're gonna learn today. And the reason why this is important, I'm gonna say this one more time, only you can answer this question for yourself, not your significant other, not your kids, not your parents, not your friends, you. And if there's someone in your life that you really wanna empower, then send them this and give them the framework to help them answer the question and find the direction that they need. Because if you can hear my voice or you can watch me right now on YouTube, you will benefit from this workshop. So here's how this is gonna work. You're gonna download your workbook when you get a chance at melrobbins.com/what. And the workbook is important because it's a way for you to take the framework I'm about to walk you through and dive even deeper and get more clarity about what you want right now, and to help you figure out the direction you need to go or the decision that you need to make, or even solidify something that you want to do, but boom, you just needed that like, "Yeah, I'm on the right track." You know, because when I started this podcast just over 18 months ago, I just wanted to get the thing started. Like, I'm very clear, like, "Mel Robbins, you need to get this thing launched." In fact, if you've ever read my New York Times best-selling book, The High Five Habit, there is an entire chapter in that book about the fact that I was dreaming about launching a podcast. Now, that book was published in 2021, and I used the same framework that I'm about to walk you through to get very clear that what I wanted was to launch a podcast. I was so sick and tired of thinking about it, that I finally was at the point that I want this, I need to do it, and walking through the framework I'm gonna walk you through in just a second gave me the direction that I needed in 2021. And then I spent the next two years just studying what other people were doing and creating a game plan to execute against. And finally, 18 months ago, I started the dang thing. And so answering the question, "What do I want?" it was easy a couple years ago. "I want to start a podcast." Boom, direction, go. Without answering that question, I wouldn't have a podcast right now. I would've been consumed by a bazillion other things. I would've been busy moving in the wrong direction. And that's true about life, isn't it? There's a lot of people moving fast, but they're not going anywhere 'cause they don't know where they wanna go. And when I ask myself, "What do I want?" and I think about the podcast, my goal and my sense of direction and where I wanna head next, it's not just to do it. I see something so much bigger now that I have clarity about what I want. And now that the podcast is out into the world and I hear from you on like a daily basis and the impact it's making, holy cow, what I want is on just a totally different level. And this is one of the reasons why you see me do these workshops for free. It's one of the reasons why we create YouTube versions of the podcast episodes that are oftentimes longer and include more content that aren't in the listening part, because I want to go bigger. And here's another example of how this question and figuring out what you want changes over time and why you need to keep doing this process all the time in your life. And what I wanted when our three kids were in high school and middle school, very different from what I want now that my husband Chris and I are about to be empty nesters. And it's only with the clarity of knowing what you want, why you want it-It's only with that clarity that you have direction in life. I mean, if you don't know what you want, you're merely a passenger, and the winds of chance are just steering you in whatever direction. You're like a sailboat without a rudder. I want you to take the wheel and get clear about what direction you're gonna head in next. And in order to kick us off, I just wanna share a story with you about what a profound process this framework is. So at the end of last year, our team went on a team retreat, and we went to this absolutely amazing retreat center, and when we, you know, designed this off-site, there were just a couple of rules. First of all, absolutely no work, no talk about work, no phones, no laptops, no doing work. It was just three days for our team to be together, to unwind, to do yoga, to go in the sauna, to get a massage, to connect with your colleagues. It was absolutely extraordinary because we had been busting our rear ends on this podcast for a y- over a year. We all lived in our bathrobes the entire time. It was so great. It wasn't even an HR violation to be with your colleagues in bathrobes at dinner, and it was the first time that we had ever done anything like this here at 143 Studios as a team. And after working on this podcast for a year and creating 104 episodes in one year, we needed it. Holy cow. And it was fantastic. And so this retreat center not only had, like, a spa and exercise classes and meditation stuff, but it had all these kinds of courses and sessions that you could do on all these different topics. And so my business partner, who also happens to be my sister-in-law, Christine, she is the chief financial officer and the chief operations officer of the company, and so Christine, who I've known for more than two decades, is almost like the opposite brain of me. This woman is a numbers gal. She is spreadsheets. She is very analytical and smart. She's super black and white. She is not into the touchy-feely stuff at all. And so she signs up to do this class that truly changed her life. Christine, you've agreed to come on reluctantly-